A Pretty Eventful Weekend
With every party there is usually reverence. You know what kind of reverence I'm talking about. A little bump and grind, alcohol, somepony out there gets laid*, all that jazz.
However, the equation is simply not complete without a few other properties. Whereas every party has reverence, every party must have a locale, everypony knows that
Locale is very important for it often sets the mood for your party. A Barnyard Bash is traditionally held in the barn. Raves are generally held in designated dance clubs or in a locale the police force cannot find and shut down.* A drunken brawl can be held anywhere, but nopony wants that. Therefore, when choosing your location, be methodical, be diligent, know what you want your party to be. This brings us to the last of the basics: supplies.
What's a party without party favors? A party for foals will always have cake and party games, however, this is not always the objective; in fact, this is not the objective at all. This equation applies to full grown mares and stallions. What supplies are necessary? The answer is simple and this list shall provide.
One: Don't go cutting a hole in that box yet, because you need music. Everypony loves music, and who you'll be partying with determines your choice in tunes, remember that.
Two: Food and drink are necessary. Open up a bar and a buffet table. A ratio of food to drinks can be applied here so long as the drinks are referring to alcohol. The taste of food can be worse or better depending on how good the drinks are. High dollar hooch can make any food edible, and low dollar booze better be counteracted with some damn good goodies. What we're looking for in the case of bad food is to get everypony absolutely shitfaced*. In the scenario in which good alcohol is acquired, one must always have decent food, a simple rule of hoof.
Here we have our equation: L+S(A/F)+R=P. Or, Locale, plus supplies multiplied by the food and alcohol ratio, plus reverence equals party.
We pray this party pamphlet has properly presented your perceptions of poignantly preposterous parties parties pertaining to ponies.
Best wishes, Moonshine, proprietor of Lunar Flowers and dictating voice behind this pamphlet.
* It should be known that everypony may or may not get laid.
* We do not encourage any illegal activities.
* This is honestly not a good idea.
Inkblot, transcriber of this pamphlet and author of Torn Between, Something Beautiful, Birds of a Feather, and other stories. Why am I even using my pseudonym for this crap? This is what drinking leads you to, publishing crap like this for your friends.
The equation had been followed, but it had probably not been followed properly. She had put all of the properties into the equation- library, inviting all of Ponyville, even good food along with good booze. However, she believed the results were a bit convoluted.
Now Twilight couldn't remember much, but she could remember a few major things. She remembered starting the party, that went off great. The library was packed and the guests were spilling out into the yard; they played games, drank, fought, made their ancestors proud, laughed, and went home with one another, it was all pretty perfect. She got that scruffy stallion that kept hanging out with Spike to confess he was Inkblot and yelled at him for not putting out the third book in the Torn Between series, somehow set up a relationship between two stallions, and debunked a rumor that Pinkie Pie was just a unicorn who covered her horn all the time.
Then Spike offered her a drink, it got a little weird after that.
Twilight Sparkle's waking memories were, respectively, a hole being somewhere in the floor, calling her sister in law a colt stealing bitch, and somepony claiming to have "avasted that ass" while he pointed at Fluttershy with an outstretched lion's paw. She sort of remembered Spike and Rarity a little, talking them into coming to her room or something. Then there was Rarity stumbling out of her room in the morning saying something about "So good, but so wrong." That was two hours ago, she must have fallen back asleep.
It was now twelve-seventeen PM and she was rubbing sleep from her eyes. She looked down and saw that she had Spike in her hooves, pressed tightly against her torso. It would have been a lot cuter had her head not hurt as much as it did.
Hangover: caused by too much drinking and dehydration of the brain. Must hydrate brain, must think to get brain running. Observe your surroundings, girl, maybe that will help.
Yes, yes, good idea, brain. Think, I'm good at that. Activate unicorn observation mode.
Her bed was sticky, small puddles suggesting that somepony had spilled copious amounts of a viscid substance around her and Spike while they had slept. It had apparently flown over most of her and Spike's thoracic and lumbar regions.
The whole room smelled weird. The scent, however, couldn't be placed. Something along the lines of, what, sweat? Something like that.
The north wall was missing.
Wait, WHAT?!
Contrary to Twilight's belief that she was experiencing hallucinatory reactions associated with leftover toxins in her system, the north wall was, in fact, gone. The only thing that suggested it had once existed was a thin scorch mark around its borders.
Spike had to see this for Twilight clearly had no idea what to do in this situation and she knew it.
"Spike! Spike, wake up!" She yelled, sitting up and shaking him in her hooves. Once his eyes were at least one eighteenth of that way open she swung him towards the wall. "It's gone! What did we do last night?!" Spike mumbled something before Twilight turned him to face her once more. "What was that?"
"I said I don't know." Spike brought a claw to his head and grumbled a quick complaint about vomit before continuing. "Man, what happened last night?"
Scaled butt met cotton comforter soaked in as of yet unnamed sticky fluids as Twilight flung her forehooves towards the loft in general. "That's what I'm trying to discern! We're sticky and so is the bed! Where's my wall?! What happened?!" Her rant continued in the usual train wreck without end fashion that so many of its predecessors had, quickly dropping Spike's interest in it from a whopping two-percent to a relative negative I-don't-give-two-scales-off-my-glorious-preteen-dragon-butt-percent, so he decided to take his own inventory of the room.
Bed was sticky, eeyup, that was already settled.
Wall? Gone, that question was answered.
The smell, though, that was interesting. It was the kind of aroma that made him feel a tad hotter inside than a loving moment with Twilight would. It also couldn't be ignored that brought back hazy images that tickled at his boy parts as they swam through his addled brain.
"Spike, what are you doing?"
The dragon in question came to notice that he'd been taking drags of the rooms' intrinsic potpourri through his nostril and quickly came to an embarrassed stop. "Uh, you know", he stumbled out a reply. "Just sniffin'."
Twilight sighed and pressed a hoof to her forehead, trying to press the insane pain from her brains' membranes. "Okay, okay, okay", she said as she began to deliberately shake her hoof on every sound that rhymed with the name of the famous painter, Ponet. "We need to at least identify what happened here", a pad of paper and a pen flew out from beneath the bed. "We're going to reverse engineer last night from where our memories stopped." With her plan set, the unicorn began to jot down various landmark recollections while Spike stared out the new north window the library had installed.
The morning light woke him up and washed away that thump-thump-thumping that had been in his head. The whole feeling was just nice.
All of his tranquility ended when a big stupid purple talking thing started talking again and shoved some stuff in his claws.
"Alright, Spike, your turn. You write down what you remember and I'll solve the wall conundrum." Twilight felt herself satisfied with the nod Spike gave, a signal that cried, "Affirmative, memories shall be dictated"; with all orders confirmed, Chief Wall Investigator, Twilight Sparkle set out to investigate the lack of her wall. The scorch marks suggested magic or a bomb, other than that there was no evidence, just a big gaping hole in her house. Tentatively, she stuck her head out the window and gasped.
Below her, burned into the lawn, was a word that confounded her beyond all belief.
Somepony had left an apology note that read: To my dearest student, Twilight, let me begin by saying your party has been wonderful so far. The music was amazing, those two robot ponies in their pyramid blew me away. You, Rarity, and Spike all look very comfortable together so I've elected to leave you this note in lieu of waking you up. Sorry about the wall, Lulu bet me I couldn't do it. I totally showed that moon butt. I'll buy you a new wall, one with fur, the library is going to look like a damn werewolf when we're done with it.
-Deuces, Princess Celestia
Twilight's pupils were pinpricks inside two dinner plates that somepony had spilled purple syrup in. Princess Celestia had torched her yard and had done something strange to her wall. Princess Celestia had also apparently been intoxicated at her party. "I'm going to cry", she whimpered to the smoldering missive in her grass. Tears had welled up in her eyes when she felt a corner of something poking her shoulder. She turned and smiled at her assistant, seeing him do his duties could always make the bad stuff go away.
"Here you go, Twi, s'all I can remember."
She chuckled at his shy grin and clutched the notepad in a swirling cloud of magic. "Thank you, Spike, now I can cross reference the- BY CELESTIA'S MANE!" Twilight dropped the book, sending paper everywhere. To be in the presence of Spike's recollections brought her into a state of shock.
Before her were butts. Hordes of butts, sketches, doodles, and perfect recreations that could marvel some of the greatest art on the planet. There was Rarity, herself, Applejack, Fluttershy; somehow every mare posterior that Spike had ever seen had been taken down onto paper. "Spike", she trailed off, the heat the burned through her face eliminated all traces of cognitive speech.
"Look", the dragon said, shrugging. "All I can remember is that and being in the bathroom for about twenty minutes, I think Patchwork and that florist he hangs out with were there too." Spike rested his claws on his hips and assumed the "that's all I got" stance.
Twilight stood up to face her assistant, burning blush still bathing her bright red face. "Bathroom? What happened to the bathroom?"
"Twilight, I don't-" Spike, however, was cut off from his reassurance of amnesia by the seizing of his body and the instantaneous teleportation to the library's lavish lavatory.
Once the dynamic duo opened their eyes to their surroundings they both assumed airs of pure awe.
Everywhere, even on the fixtures, was poetry, quips, limericks, and a myriad of word combinations; in one corner a plethora of pony butts had been drawn. As is to sign for the room, a cutie mark had been drawn on the mirror; an unraveled scroll that had been stitched together.
"Inferno? More like Infern-BRO!" Twilight looked down at her assistant, successfully sending the telepathic message of ultimate confusion. Spike responded by pointing to the walls, "I'm just reading what was written, check it out." Spike hopped off his caretaker's back and stepped up to read the bowl of the toilet. "17 02 95 08 05 96 SWFF 12, what the hay?"
Twilight stared at her best friend read the inside of a toilet and sighed before trotting off to her own section of the bathroom. She stared up to the tile and began to read, hoping to find some sort of explanation about anything that could have happened to the party. "I joined Arby's harem. Moonshine likes lemons. Stories, stories, stories fart." She grimaced as she read a series of strange names, apparently forgetting her ability to read silently. "Doodlebutt, Rainbow Rash, Rainbow Sash, Bootaloo, Rainbow Cash, Buttershy, Cheeselegs. Spike, what's a Cheeselegs?"
Spike turned and shrugged, "No idea, but this wall's full of poetry or something."
"Spike there's nothing here but drivel and butts, we need to go."
"Fine, fine", Spike said, opening the door and stepping out before disappearing from view. Twilight's eyes widened again as she saw her dragon defy physics by falling through a floor. She ran to his point of disappearance and quickly calmed down, finding a rational explanation to his sudden departure. There's that hole in the floor, she thought proudly before sticking her head through the opening to look down upon Spike.
"Hey, Spike, there's a hole in the floor!"
"You think?!"
Twilight brought her head out of the hole and made her way down the stairs, chuckling a scientific observations her grump of an assistant had lacked to take. Said grump sent her a glare from atop his cyan cushion before asking the obvious question that was on everypony's mind.
"Why is there a hole in the floor?"
Twilight, however was thinking of a question that was on a singular pony's mind. "Spike, what did you land on?"
"What?" Spike looked towards his bottom and waved a dismissive claw. "It's just Rainbow Dash, but she's fine. Didn't even budge when I landed on her." The words had barely left his mouth before a gust of magic whipped him off his winged seat.
"Is she alright?! Maybe she remembers something!" Twilight picked up the aforementioned pegasus and began to shake her back and forth, calling her name. When that expert method failed Twilight brought her hooves away from her friend, shuddering when Rainbow Dash fell limply to the ground. Slowly, ever so slowly, she brought her hoof to her friend's neck and waited.
One.
Two.
Three.
"Nothing", she whispered.
"What's that, Twi?"
"Nothing", she repeated. There wasn't a single thought floating around in her mind to muffle the sound her heart made inside her ears, thump-thump-thump-thumpthumpthumpthump. She felt her organs drop away from her body cavity into some unknown abyss; all but her heart, that was trying to escape through her esophagus. "Spike."
"Yeah?" Spike asked, walking over and rubbing his sore bottom.
"Spike!"
Twilight, there's no need to-"
"Spike!"
Now, the first two Spikes were normal, even the yell, but the third was one he knew well. If Twilight ever yelled his name and it held multiple I's, trouble was brewing. A quick sprint brought him to Twilight's side. "What, what?! Twi, what's wrong?!" The look of despair Twilight gave him shook him to the core, it was a face he would forever see in his nightmares.
"Spike, Rainbow Dash is dead."
Spike was sitting in the center of the library, eerily silent while Twilight trotted nervous circles around him. For the seventh time she began her frantic rant.
"What happened?! Did we kill her?! We killed her, didn't we?! How did we kill her?! There aren't any marks! She's just dead! Dead! We're murderers, we'll be convicted! The princesses will kill me, and you, and probably me again! Shit!"
Now this was interesting, she hadn't said that before. Spike's interest was immediately piqued as Twilight Sparkle made it a point not to be vulgar. "Shit." He really was taking the whole dead Rainbow Dash thing pretty well.
"Do you know what will happen to us?!"
"Shit."
"Nopony can know!"
"Shit."
"How can we atone for this?! We're evil!"
"Shit."
Twilight abruptly turned to, sudden insanity flaring across her demeanor. "Nopony can know."
"Shit."
She walked towards Spike, smiling as if to reassure herself. "Nopony can know and nopony will know. We'll hide it from everypony!"
Spike cringed a bit. "Shit."
Twilight gathered Spike up into her hooves and twirled around, giggling nervously. "All we have to do is destroy the evidence, hide the body, and everything will be just fine."
"Shit", Spike whimpered as they neared the body of one of their closest friends.
"Alright", Twilight paused and set Spike down. "How do we hide a body?"
The two answered in unison. "Shit."
"Burn it!" Spike shouted after a few minutes of deliberation, making Twilight jump with unparalleled excitement.
"Eureka!" She shouted before biting down on Rainbow's tail and ripping it off. She trotted up to Spike and spat it out before him. "It's a test, you know to see if it works." Spike held up his claw and opened his mouth, question at the ready, before Twilight interrupted him. "Don't ask Spike, because science. Burn it."
Spike lowered his hand and sighed before letting out a jet of green flame. The fires overtook the hair, in seconds it was gone and the ashes were defying gravity by swirling out the north wall towards Canterlot. The two looked on in aggravated horror.
"I just sent that to Celestia, didn't I?"
"Eeyup."
Once again, in unison. "Shit."
The two purple life forms sat in Ponyville's residential library, lost in thoughts that went nowhere.
"How about-"
"Nope, won't work. Why don't we use magic?"
"Spike, matter can't be created or destroyed. and even if I incinerated her a unicorn investigator would be able to see the spell residue, reverse cast it, and convict us."
"Oh."
The two sat in silence again with a tailless Rainbow Dash stuffed inside a grimy old chest. Two red hearts jumped into two purple throats when a customer walked into the library. Their mental reactions were not in tandem.
Oh sweet Celestia, it's Rarity, she knows. She knows! Doesn't she! Shit! What do I do? Can I kill another friend to consciously save myself? No. NO! No way am I going that far! We just have to keep her from knowing.
Twilight continued in her mentally unstable fashion, whereas Spike was doing just fine. Hey look, it's Rarity. "Hey, Rarity!" He waved and smiled at the alabaster unicorn.
Rarity caught his eyes and felt a deep blush run across her cheeks. She stepped towards him, but couldn't speak. Speaking would be done later, for now she needed to act. Once she was eye to eye with Spike she took him into her hooves and planted her lips against his. It felt amazing, right, it made the prior night right. Rarity pressed her tongue into Spike's mouth and felt her soul soar. Her lungs ruined her fun before she could be satisfied, but a lady shouldn't be too greedy; she let Spike go and gave his beautiful scaled lips one last cursory lick. "Thank you", she whispered.
Twilight watched all of this develop in a state that went from horror, to shock, to arousal, and to confusion in the span of one sloppy make-out session. She gasped when Rarity turned her gaze to her.
"Oh, Twilight, darling, don't think I've forgotten you" Rarity cooed as she trotted towards her. Twilight sat and let her friends' hooves encircle her body before their snouts touched. "I have you to thank as well", Rarity whispered before planting a kiss on the librarian and repeating the process.
Spike watched in a state of nirvana.
Rarity pulled back from Twilight and smiled at the strand of saliva that connected them. Let it hang, she thought, let it serve as a testament, I accept the relationship.
"Rarity", Twilight sputtered. "What was all that about?" She asked, nervously giggling in an attempt to repress a flurry of emotions.
Rarity simply chuckled and pulled away. "That, darling, was for last night. You were so responsive to little Spikey-Wikey's confession you brought us both to your room.
"Confession?"
Rarity swooned onto Spike's lap and smiled. "Oh, yes there was a confession! And what a confession it was." She brushed her hoof across Spike's muzzle, earning a smile from him. "He told me how much he loves me and then he collapsed in my arms and almost cried about the feelings he had for you. I'm not sure how, but the three of us ended up in your bed and it was just", Rarity shivered and let out the tiniest moan. "It was just so magical. I had no idea two virgins would be that good!"
Spike and Twilight both blushed and stared at one another.
"So", Spike began. "We all had sex?"
Rarity bopped his nose with her hoof before kissing it for good measure. "Made love, dear." She stood up. "Spike, Twilight, I agree to the proposed relationship. Meet me at my home tonight and we shall all make this final." With that the alabaster unicorn stood up and left the library. In her wake was confusion of apocalyptic proportions.
"Did, did that just happen?" Twilight managed to stutter.
Spike came back to reality and scratched the back of his head. "I guess the cat's out of the bag. Huh, Twi?" He chuckled nervously and looked at his caretaker, hoping not to find murderous rage in her eyes. He was surprised by the sight of her face painted a deep red.
Twilight looked down and fiddled with her hooves before speaking. "So, Spike, are we-"
The dragon let out a thunderous belch of flame, interrupting anything Twilight had to say. Rather than continue, she leaped up and caught the scroll that flew outwards from the fire. Her back hit the ground as she unraveled the scroll. A polychromatic tail fell on her face, obstructing her vision. Twilight sat up, batting the tail away with a squeal, and began to read. "Twilight, what in the name of harmony is this? Tell your friends the pranks are getting weird."
Twilight turned to Spike and sighed. "Spike, get the shovel. Let's just bury her."
"Everfree?"
"Everfree."
With that the duo grabbed a grimy old chest with a currently dead pegasus inside and set off for the Everfree Forest.
Twilight Sparkle and Spike T. Dragon returned to Ponyville covered in dirt, sweat, and grime.
"So, let me get this straight; we threw a party, killed Rainbow Dash, had sex with Rarity, are now in a three way relationship, and just hid a body?"
"Yes, Spike, that's been our weekend."
"Cool." Spike grinned a bit before turning back to the mare walking by his side. "Hey, Twilight?"
She stopped in her tracks. "Yeah?"
"About the whole 'relationship' thing. Are we, you know, are we actually in that?"
Twilight stared down at Spike. "Do you want to be?"
Spike stuttered a bit and blushed before scratching his head. "Well, yeah, I'd like to be, but-"
"Then we are", Twilight said definitively as she resumed her trot. She smiled when Spike ran up and hopped atop her back.
"Really?"
Twilight waved a hoof in the air. "Sure, why not? We've already killed a pony and engaged in carnal activities together so I don't really see how there could be any problems."
"Oh", Spike said. "Cool."
The two walked together under the light of the setting sun and soon returned home. Once the door opened, however, the two screamed and ran far away from their home.
Inside, on a couch, reading a Daring Do book, was Rainbow Dash. Her tail was attached and she was definitely alive. When she heard the screams she poked her head out the door and stared after her friends. With a simple "meh" Dash turned around and headed back to her books. She was probably just a little early for the party.
That thing was on Sunday, right?
Author's Note
This story is the first of many, I'm very glad you've chosen to read it. Can you see the references? If you tell me in the comments, you'll get formally recognized or put in a story or something. Funfact: Once while dissatisfied at a party I actually wrote poetry all over someone's bathroom. I never returned there, the party was really bad.
-Deuces, Patchwork-Inkblot
