Four Ways to Ruin a Princess' Reputation

by cursedchords

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna
Length: 8353

Princess Celestia has made it her duty to resurrect her sister's image. But is Luna even salvageable?

Two years after her return, Princess Luna is still having a hard time getting back up to speed on her country, as well as mending the unfortunate reputation that some of her earlier exploits gave her. But Celestia has a plan to teach her sister how to truly be a proper Princess, and earn the public's respect in the process.

But they'll never get anywhere if they can't even agree on the weather.

Special thanks to:
Resda, for the guard pun
Mondai Shunketsu, for the weather ponies puns
Rest In Peace:
Bud Abbott (October 2, 1895 – April 25, 1974)
Lou Costello (March 6, 1906 – March 3, 1959)
Two true greats in the field of comedy.

Published 2013-06-28 06:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-06-28 06:50:02 UTC

The "New" Princess Luna

Canterlot Castle woke up slowly. In a cascade of golden magic, the Royal Hourglass flipped on its end, signalling yet another transition from the mystery of night to the surety of day. The process signalled an avalanche of secondary spells, racing out along individual tendrils and hallways; lighting lamps and other signals. In the rooms of various dignitaries and officers of state, alarms were triggered and nobles began their ritualistic morning levées. Fires were kindled in the castle’s furnaces, their heat being used both to begin the preparation of breakfasts and to the melt the buckets of wax that would be needed for the day’s shipments of sealed parchments. The administrative center of Equestria roused itself, and with a heaving sigh, set about to its work.

Princess Celestia was already up, and had been for several hours already. She was returning from her usual promenade atop the castle’s eastern parapets, shepherding the blazing sun into its track, for its lengthy journey overhead to the far horizon. She had quite the plan cooked up for today; an event that had been looked forward to for some time already. It was a very special date on the calendar, after all, and Celestia intended to ensure that its potential would not go to even the slightest waste.

Climbing through the castle’s mazes of halls and chambers, she eventually found her way to a broad, well-adorned doorway standing at the far end of a long hall. A single guard stood at trim attention in front of it, although the Princess could detect a deep tiredness settling over his eyes. It was nearly the end of his shift, after all. Still, he affected the traditional bow of respect upon the approach of the monarch, then rose deliver the night’s report, with steely-eyed calm.

“It was a quiet night, Your Majesty. Peaceful. Little to report.” And finally, he stifled a yawn.

“And my sister is resting, then?”

“Taking what little sleep she is afforded these days. Would you like me to rouse her for you?”

“No, you can consider yourself relieved for the day.” Celestia paused for an instant, and then ventured a second comment. “It must require a strong will to stay awake the whole night guarding a silent room. It is most commendable.”

After a salute, the guard began his walk back to the barracks. However, he did make one final remark as he passed the Princess. “I apologize, Your Majesty, but if you want Strong Will you’ll have to wait about a week. He’s currently on sabbatical. Until then, I’m afraid that Sturdy Intention will have to do.” With the barest hint of a smile – Had that been a witticism or an off-hoofed comment? She couldn’t quite decide. – the guard turned the corner and was gone.

In any event, time was flitting away, and she intended to make as much use of today as she could; so opening the door to Luna’s chambers, Celestia strode in to rouse her sister. The room was plain and unadorned, standing in rather stark contrast to Celestia’s own gilded chambers. The bare rock walls offered little warmth or ornamentation, and the bed in the corner was simple and featureless, providing comfort to its occupant but little else above pure functionality. And with her eyes peacefully closed and a gentle smile curving along her mouth, Luna certainly did appear to be comfortable. The elder Princess almost hated to have to wake her, but today was too special to pass up.

With a few gentle thoughts, Celestia magically stimulated Luna’s mind, just enough to break her out of sleep slowly and calmly. When the Princess of the Night’s eyes opened, her elder sister was standing just above her with a broad smile. “Rise and shine, my sister,” Celestia said softly. “Do you remember what today is?”

Luna shook the last webs of drowsiness from her mind quickly. “Late June… It is the anniversary of my return.”

“Indeed,” Celestia nodded, “and the two of us are going to spend it together.”

It took about an hour for Luna to complete her morning routines and get herself completely prepared for the day’s activities, mainly because unlike many of the castle’s other occupants; she refused the usual Mares of the Chamber and assorted other servants. By contrast, Celestia’s morning ritual usually took just under twenty minutes, and this in spite of the fact that getting her mane sorted out was considered one of the most difficult tasks available in the Equestrian public service.

Finally, Luna emerged from her chambers to meet up again with her sister, who had of course respectfully withdrawn for the duration of the proceedings. “Right,” she said with a carefree smile, “what is your plan for our day then?”

“It’s simple, really,” Celestia replied as they began to make their way back through the castle. “You’ve been back with us for two years now. I think it’s finally time for you to get back into the general swing of the kingdom and its government.”

Luna chuckled gently. “And here I thought that the two of us were going to take a holiday. It’s always a lesson with you isn’t it?”

As they exited the residential wing of the castle, the halls began to fill with others of the legions of functionaries that were going about their morning business. Snatches of muted conversation filtered through open doorways and across thresholds. Celestia turned a corner and led her sister in the direction of the sound.

“As a Princess you are defined by your reputation, Luna. I think that it’s finally time for us to begin working on your public image, which, as it stands, is something of an obstacle to your proper participation in the workings of the government.”

“An obstacle?” Luna replied with a hint of confusion. “How do you mean?”

“Everypony is afraid of you, Luna, and fear is not the ideal way to exercise authority. Your subjects must know that you care for them. Your advisors must know that you will appreciate their intuition. The record of history shows quite clearly that leaders who lean too heavily on intimidation never succeed.”

Luna nodded in understanding. “You told Twilight that a true Princess must never lead by fear.”

“Yes, I did,” Celestia replied, although she then turned to her sister with a devious little smirk, “although I’ll admit that I was oversimplifying the matter for her benefit. Twilight is still young, and does not yet understand the subtle gamesmanship of politics, so I felt it necessary to keep things black and white for her. She must start small, but you are ready, I think, for a slightly more advanced lesson.”

The two of them had arrived at the administrative wing of the castle by now, and collections of bureaucrats stood out in the hallways, clustered about by open office doorways exchanging conversations. All of them fell immediately silent as the Princesses passed by. Celestia picked up the pace slightly, and Luna broke into a canter to keep up.

“So fear does have a use, then?”

“Lesson #1: under the proper conditions, and used with restraint, it can be an exceedingly versatile instrument. Stay here, and watch,” Celestia motioned to a small open spot, where two hallways intersected.

Luna observed closely as her sister then adjusted her features into an expression she seldom used, somewhere close to wrathful. Striding quickly and powerfully out into the hallway, Celestia moved through the knots of ponies collected there, paying no heed to them. A few she even shunted out of her way with quick blasts of magic, not breaking stride. In her wake, Luna noticed a few moments of silent confusion. Then, in sequence, everypony went back into their offices and closed the doors. Stealing up to one of them and pressing her ear to the hardwood, she could hear a quill furiously racing its way over parchment.

When Luna had caught up to her sister, Celestia had a gentle smile back on her face. Luna addressed her in respectful admiration. “They fear your anger, even though there is in fact nothing wrong.”

Continuing up a different hall, Celestia replied, “They will work very efficiently today, in an attempt to evade my perceived wrath. It is a useful trick, but not one to be abused. Instead, this morning we shall focus on getting to know the staff on a personal level, and earning their respect.”

An idea blossomed in Luna’s mind. “That’s why we are here, then, isn’t it? So that I can become acquainted with the higher functionaries.”

“Indeed. See, here’s one right now,” Celestia indicated a nearly white unicorn with a light blue mane standing at the far end of the hall, surrounded by a crowd of other office workers.

“Well, he’s beyond simple,” Luna replied, recognizing the stallion’s triple crown cutie mark instantly. “Fancy Pants is one of the most recognizable figures in Canterlot society.”

“Yes, but what does he actually do?” Celestia prodded gently. “As the leader of the government, you should not only know your employees’ names, but also their function.”

Luna thought over the question for a little bit, holding her right hoof thoughtfully to her chin. This second question was admittedly less trivial than the first. While Fancy’s connections and social powers were well known, his actual function within the governmental apparatus was difficult to say. Moreover, the system was so vast that she could not possibly hazard a guess as to what particular office he might occupy. Finally, she offered her sister a noncommittal shrug.

With a satisfied grin, Celestia approached the small collection of courtiers. The conversation immediately broke off as all assembled paid their respects. “Luna,” she spoke in a clear voice, “allow me to introduce you to His Lordship Keeper of the Great Seal of the Realm, Fancy Pants.”

Fancy bowed in deference to the Princess, and then straightened up to address Celestia again. “Are there any important proclamations that require sealing today, Your Majesty?”

“I’m afraid not,” she replied. “Today is a personal day between my sister and I. You see, Luna, His Lordship is responsible for sealing all proclamations that must bear the official seal of the Realm, which is one reason why he is so in the know. In addition, the Keeper takes care of several other legislative duties related to the court.”

The unicorn bowed respectfully to Luna, extending his hoof out to hers. “I’ve always looked forward to getting to know you a bit better, Princess,” he stated in his crisp, elegant voice. “The journals print such terrible things about you, but I know that’s there’s more to this particular story than they would have us believe.”

Luna accepted his hoof, but found his words to be confusing. “The journals? What do they say that is so terrible?”

Fancy straightened up in surprise, and then laughed gently, instantly defusing the tension. The crowd of fops and courtiers around him joined in his mirth, though it was obviously forced. “Excuse me. Your Royal Highness clearly has not chosen to expose herself to the fare of the common ponies. Please, think nothing of it. I’m sure your sister has a plan to turn that detail around anyway.”

This provided the perfect opportunity for Celestia to cut in and reassert control over the conversation. “Indeed, Your Lordship, we shall be dealing with that small matter in due time. As of now, the two of us must be on our way. Keep the seal in its box and attend to your duties in the court. Try to keep things civilized if possible.”

Fancy chuckled. “A difficult task on the best of days, Your Majesty, but I’ll let the Clerk of the Court know of your intentions. I assume then that the usual visitations this afternoon will be cancelled?”

“Naturally,” Celestia replied. “Make sure that the Chamberlain has been informed.”

“Of course. Enjoy your day, Your Majesty, Your Royal Highness.” And with a final bow to each Princess he left, with his crowd of courtiers trailing in clutched whispers of gossip: the avenue by which details of this exchange would eventually make their way, through the lobbies and side paths of the court, to the Canterlot tabloids. Doubtless their tenacious editors would find something preposterously wrong with it that they could base their stories on.

Meanwhile, Luna was still trying to wrap her head around what she had just heard. “So many names and titles, and all just for such a simple matter; how do you possibly keep track of it all?”

“Sister, you have no idea,” Celestia replied with a smirk. “Lesson #2: It’s time that I let you in on the true scope of our operation.”

An impressive two hours later, Celestia was finally finishing the narrative on the description of the makeup of the Equestrian public service. She had started at the top, outlining the various Chancellors and Ministers, before then embarking down the lines of the Stewards, Constables, Clerks, Keepers, and Captains that managed the operations of the court. This was followed by a decentralized discussion that ringed out to the multitudes of District Governors, Liaisons, and important Mayors, followed by an exhaustive list of Commissioners, Ombudsmares, and Auditors. Just as it seemed that things were wrapping up, there began the talk of the governmental representation itself, although Luna found that at this point she could barely keep up with the legions of Secretaries, Deputies, Valets, and Managers that kept the whole thing afloat, not to even begin on the Heralds, Squires, Pages, Assistants, and Aides that worked in behind the scenes. (Thankfully, Celestia had left out any discussion of the nobility, each member thereof in command of his own, albeit smaller, version of the Canterlot apparatus.) All in all, Luna found herself wondering how it could be possible that such a complicated structure got anything done at all.

“… and finally,” Celestia was finishing up with, perhaps taking just a little too much satisfaction from her sister’s exasperation that the lecture was still ongoing, “we get to a very unique little system, that being of course our weather control. Canterlot has only a handful of Pegasi in charge of our local operations, and each of them specializes in certain types of weather, so – oh!”

The interjection on the lengthy train of explanations (which Luna had by this point quite tuned out) came so suddenly that the younger Princess was jolted quite forcefully back to the situation at hand. “What?”

Celestia was shaking her head. “I just remembered that it’s going to rain this afternoon. I had been planning for the two of us to take a picnic in the Canterlot foothills for lunch, and meant to remind you to take an umbrella.”

“Oh,” Luna said, her pulse slowing down from the surprise. “That is unfortunate. I guess I’ll just go grab it now then?”

“Of course. It’s only just past eleven, so we should still have plenty of time. The castle cafeteria should have already prepared something for us.”

“Well, excellent then, this morning has actually left me hungrier than I had thought it would. We’ve actually covered a lot of ground in the castle just walking through it.” Indeed, the pair had circumnavigated the internal halls of the mammoth structure several times during the discussion, a feat equivalent to walking halfway to Ponyville, as the Pegasus flew at least. “Please do continue speaking of our resident Pegasi, sister.”

Celestia was only too happy to continue. “As I was saying, each Pegasus specializes in certain types of weather; today it’s Sonny Out up there, so –”

“Excuse me?” Luna cut in with an uncertain tone. “Did you just say that it was sunny out?”

“Sonny Out, yes.”

“Hold up, I must not have heard right. Isn’t there a chance of rain today?”

“Indeed there is. Is something the matter?” Celestia brought a look of concern to her features.

Luna was silent for a short instant, and then smiled again. “Sorry, I think that there was a small miscommunication between us. Let me just be clear: what’s the weather schedule for today?”

“Today it’s Sonny Out.”

“Then why am I getting my umbrella?”

“Because it might rain; I just told you.”

“How in Equestria can it rain if it’s sunny out?” Unintentionally, an edge of frustration entered the younger Princess’s tone, manifesting as just a couple extra decibels, which Celestia picked up on immediately.

“Now, now, Luna, calm down. This is precisely the next step that we need to touch on if we are to soften your image. You must maintain your poise and not raise your voice.”

Luna took a moment to settle her thoughts. “Okay, again from the beginning. So it’s sunny out today?”

“Naturally.”

“Then why do I need the umbrella again?”

“To protect against the rain, naturally.”

“What rain?” Luna felt the frustration returning again.

“The rain that’s going to be falling later today, just like I told you.”

“But it’s sunny out!”

“Indeed it is Sonny Out, for all of today and tomorrow.”

“But how can it rain if it’s sunny out?”

“Now don’t get excited, Luna. It’s just a simple misunderstanding we are having.”

It might have just been in the heat of the moment, but Luna thought she saw the tiniest hint of a fleeting, playful glimmer in her sister’s eye. Was Celestia toying with her? Was that why none of this was making any sense? The elder Princess did have a marked reputation as something of a joker. But their conversation to this point had been so cordial; it was only all of a sudden that this had come up. “I’m not getting excited sister. Just answer me simply: what’s the schedule for today?”

Celestia’s answer was clean and concise: “Today it is Sonny Out, just as surely as yesterday it was Poring Rayne.”

This was news to Luna, and it certainly didn’t help her comprehension. The fact that the hallway’s windows did not face the castle’s exterior was not helping matters. “Hold up, hold up. I was outside yesterday. I know for a fact that it wasn’t pouring rain!”

“How could you possibly know that?”

“Well, I didn’t get wet, for starters!”

“Of course you didn’t get wet, it was sunny out!”

Luna felt her confusion deepening by the instant. “Now you… just hold on a moment! None of this is making ANY sense right now!”

“I’m telling you, it makes perfect sense. Yesterday it was Poring Rayne –”

“But it was sunny out!”

“No, today it’s Sonny Out!”

“THEN HOW CAN IT RAIN?!”

The words reverberated in the space several times, accompanied by a light rattle as the window panes shook in their frames. Once things had settled down, Celestia released the spell with which she had been protecting her eardrums. Gone was the carefree smile of earlier in the day. “Can’t we please have a calm, reasonable discussion, sister? Do you hear that silence? Everypony in the castle is hiding under their desks, fearing that the next thing they hear will be Nightmare Moon’s third coming! This is what we have to work on. The two of us are in disagreement, fine. Now let’s talk it out like reasonable ponies.”

Luna took several deep breaths to calm her racing heart, and then followed sullenly after her sister. She had been reasonable, but none of this was making any sense. She wasn’t entirely sure if Celestia was being sincere or else was trying to make an example or lesson out of something. Her sister could be so indirect sometimes. Nevertheless, she resolved to give this whole thing one more try.

“Okay, let’s be reasonable then. Logically speaking, why should it rain today if it was pouring rain yesterday?”

“There, now that’s a great start.” Celestia was again being very serious and conciliatory, but her sister wasn’t quite sure that she could still be trusted at this point. “And the answer is simple: we need the rain. It’s been more than a week since the last shower.”

Luna tried in vain to understand the seemingly obvious contradiction. “But, it was pouring rain yesterday?”

“Indeed it was. In fact, it’s been Poring Rayne since last Thursday.”

“So… why do we want rain today?” Luna was almost afraid of the answer.

“I just told you, we need it. Plus, it’s Sonny Out today. We get all of our rain when it’s Sonny out there.”

“What? We get our rain when it’s sunny out?”

“Of course we do. Why shouldn’t we?”

“Hmm, why not?” Luna replied noncommittally, an explanation suddenly sprouting in her head. “And I suppose we get our sun when it’s pouring rain, right?” The two of them had entered a lengthy hallway, and Luna examined its length in detail, looking carefully for his hiding spot. When things were this screwed up, there was only one being in Equestria that could possibly be responsible, and he had just recently come into the royal employ.

Meanwhile beside her, Celestia’s good mood was beginning to return. “Aha! Luna, I do believe that you are starting to get it! Poring Rayne does the sun and Sonny Out does the rain! It’s an unfortunate system what with their names, but easy enough once you figure it out.”

Luna did not hear her. The younger Princess’s attention was focussed on their environment, searching for any movement among the stones that made up the walls and ceilings. “Alright Discord, I know you’re around here, show yourself! I know you’re responsible for all of this! I shall not be another twisted little joke in your plans!”

Hearing this, the happiness drained out of Celestia’s expression like water running off of a rock face. Now frowning, she continued down the hall, speaking back to Luna in a sullen tone. “Sister, please, quit making such a scene. I can’t say what’s gotten into you all of a sudden. We were having such a great morning.”

Finally, Luna felt the inescapable truth settling down into her brain. If Celestia did have her mental faculties with her right now, then there was only one possible explanation. She was capable of putting up with a lot from her sister, but Luna definitely did not appreciate becoming the butt of a joke, even if it was to prove a point. It was time that she made that very clear.

“Alright Celestia, I see where this is going. I’m going to warn you, don’t start your little games with me. I came out here today with you on good faith. I know the way you think, remember? You’re hiding behind that smug grin of yours, laughing all the way home, aren’t you? Well I will not be made a fool of! Not today! Let us leave off of this discussion.”

“Okay, fine,” Celestia replied in a neutral tone, although Luna could have sworn that that glint stuck around in her eyes. “I thought that you almost had it though.”

Luna’s face was hard and determined. “Not another word, sister.”

The castle bell tower loudly announced the passage of noon as the two royal sisters returned to the main hall, having accomplished a small amount of more constructive dialogue since leaving off their discussion of weather and the Pegasi controlling it. Now however, both of them realized that due to the length of their argument, neither one had made the preparations necessary for them to go out on their picnic.

“My goodness,” Luna stated, her cheerful tone having returned now that Celestia no longer seemed to want to turn her every sentence against her. “All that arguing took more out of me than I had thought it would; I’m starving. Perhaps it would be best if we just ate in today.”

Noticing the time, Celestia realized that this was indeed a perfect suggestion. “That is a marvelous idea, Luna. We have a new special guest chef in this week, you know. He runs a very highly regarded Manehattan bistro.”

The two Princesses quickly made their way down to the castle’s general cafeteria, which was a well-adorned, roughly circular chamber filled with assorted tables. Every week, a new special guest chef would come in from around Equestria to wow the public service with his/her culinary expertise. The room’s proximity to both the Audience Chamber and the administrative wing made it a prime location for nearly every important pony in Canterlot. The standing joke was that more bits changed hooves in this restaurant every day than in the entire Manehattan stock exchange. This was a reference to both the establishment’s exorbitant prices and the unfortunate prevalence of backroom bribery that always tended to accompany the convergence of public servants and private interests. As such, the place was already crowded when the two royal sisters arrived, although of course they had no problem finding a table.

The waiter that came to serve them was a very lightly green Earth Pony, his mane clipped short and styled conservatively. He wore a trim vest and bowtie, as well as a comfortable smile, showing off clean, white teeth. “Good afternoon, Your Majesty, Your Royal Highness,” he began, addressing each Princess in turn. “I’m Surly, and I shall be your server for today. Some tea to start, perhaps?” Receiving nods, he left them with a pair of menus, returning almost immediately with their beverages.

Luna looked back at the now departing waiter with a slightly bemused expression. “Hmm, he didn’t seem particularly surly.” Celestia merely shrugged, sprinkling a small amount of sugar into her white porcelain mug.

“Now, about this celebrity chef from Manehattan, you said that he runs a bistro. Does he have a specialty?”

“The rumours say that his cabbage rolls are considered a local treasure. I had one presented to me as a gift during an audience session.” Leaning in conspiratorially to her sister’s ear, Celestia whispered, “The rumours are quite true.”

“Then it would be quite the loss if I missed this opportunity, wouldn’t it?” Luna closed her menu and took a small sip of her tea, which she had left black.

“Indeed, but you will have to be very particular. The kitchen will be very busy, and you want to make absolutely sure that the chef himself handles your order. It would be best to ask for him by name.”

"Hmm, sounds fair enough. So what’s his name then?”

“That’s the trick, you see. He’s very particular about the way to pronounce his name, since it is rather similar to certain others from Manehattan, and you know the way that chefs can be about details like that.”

Luna had been coming to this cafeteria a few times a month since she had returned to Equestria and was certainly no stranger to interesting demands from the visiting culinary elite. However, there was something about Celestia’s last statement that struck her as interesting. “Similar names… and he’s from Manehattan? Wait, is he an Orange?”

Celestia nodded and leaned back in her chair. “That’s just it. Technically, his family is not part of the Orange tree proper, although there are certain associations. One of the Oranges is a direct competitor of his, and the two aren’t quite on the best of terms, to put it delicately. To be exact, the chef is Al Orange.”

“Orange?”

“Yes, but the pronunciation on the ‘-ange’ has to be just so, very nasal. It almost flows together as a single word. Apparently the family has a lengthy, most interesting history.”

“I’ll bet, I don’t think that I’ve ever heard of them.” Suddenly a very slight modicum of doubt shuddered its way through Luna’s mind. The situation, while hardly as absurd as their previous discussion, was starting to seem just a tad suspicious. She began to study Celestia’s face for any signs of guilt, and then stopped. No, this was precisely it. If the two of them were to get on well, it was going to require a degree of trust. Not everything Celestia said was a trap.

“Have you found something that you would like?” Surly asked as he came over to them once again, whipping out a small notepad. Celestia gestured to allow her sister to order first.

“I’ve heard marvellous things about the cabbage rolls this week; I think I shall go for some of them.” Luna looked across at her sister as she said the next bit. “And make sure it’s Al Orange,” she said, being sure to properly enunciate the odd, almost foreign, sound. Celestia did not react at all, so Luna allowed herself to relax. It was, in fact, just a name.

“Cabbage rolls, à l’orange…” Surly trailed off slightly as he wrote it down. For an instant, his expression was cloudy; almost as if he was uncertain he had heard it properly. He turned back to Luna, appearing slightly agitated. “Pardon me, Your Royal Highness. I want to make sure that you are ordering… à l’orange?” A small bead of sweat materialized just over his brow.

“Yes, yes, that’s quite correct: Al Orange.”

Surly quickly wiped his own brow, clearly uncertain about something, although Luna couldn’t fathom what it was. “Excuse me Surly, is something wrong?”

The Earth Pony broke out again in his grin, though it was stretched just a tad wider than before. “No, no, nothing’s wrong at all. Your Royal Highness will get precisely what she has ordered.” He turned then to Celestia, “And the same for you then, Your Majesty?”

Passing the waiter back the menu, Celestia shook her head. “I had it yesterday, actually. I’ll have the Pick of the Day; fresh, I take it?”

“Picked to order from the Canterlot Orchard, Your Majesty, and of course, grown only using natural methods.” Luna noted that Surly seemed remarkably more at ease taking down this order than he had been for her own. Still, everything seemed mostly in order, and soon enough he was on his way back to the kitchen.

Deciding to take a stab at another one of her suspicions, Luna addressed her sister, “So, what’s the real reason that we are eating here, sister?”

Celestia chuckled, “You know me far too well I think, Luna.”

“Every action has a secondary purpose. You’ve taught me that much. Since your objective for today was my public image, I must deduce that our choice to eat in this very public place must have something to do with that.”

Celestia leaned forward, pointing a hoof out toward the far wall. “You see that stallion at two o’clock, brown mane, fedora, half-eaten spring roll? He’s an editor for The Times of Canterlot. Eleven o’clock, blue mare, gold necklace: she’s the internal government correspondent for the Equestrian Sun.”

“Those would be the journals that His Lordship Fancy Pants was mentioning earlier?”

“Indeed. Both of them have been very critical of you since your return. The plan was for them to have a chance to see the new you in public.”

“The new me?” Luna was perplexed. “We’ve been talking about things I should change, but I’m still the same pony I was yesterday.”

Celestia winked. “Lesson #3: You don’t have to change for the public’s perception of you to change. Newspapers like the Equestrian Sun specialize in magnifying the tiniest of events into massive controversies. The sight of the two of us, cordially having lunch, might not trigger a seismic shift in public opinion, but it could start the slide. Now that doesn’t mean that we can’t do anything bigger, mind you. This afternoon, we shall really get down to the business of endearing you to the public.”

Luna waited expectantly for the reveal of her sister’s master plan. Truly, this was finally the point of the whole day getting put out into the open. Celestia had a habit of savouring her secrets, waiting until the last possible moment to let everypony else know that she had been pulling the strings from the start. Hopefully, the end result would be able to justify her earlier behaviour.

After letting the anticipation build a few moments more, Celestia finally let the news drop. “We’re opening a park together, here in the castle grounds!”

Luna felt the excitement of the moment fall flatter than a cheese sandwich. “That important, huh?” she replied.

“Oh, you must think of the bigger picture, Luna! We are starting small, just like Twilight. Good reputations are most certainly not built in a day, a week, or even a month. It is an accumulation of little successes, as well as not giving them,” she gestured out to the floor where the two journalists sat eating in silence, “anything special to complain about. That, you see, is why it is so important for the two of us to be seen to be on good terms with each other. Hopefully, some of my goodwill might bleed over onto your public perception.”

Luna considered it. She did have a rather entrenched negative persona to deal with where the hearts and minds of Equestria were concerned. Perhaps it was simply a matter of laying low, bettering herself, and learning from the master of public opinion herself. A park here, a research grant there, and soon enough she might even have enough public support to begin sponsoring her own legislation. It was all a matter of patience, and not screwing things up, just as Celestia said.

“Alright,” she agreed. “Today a park, tomorrow a city.”

“Hmm, perhaps not tomorrow, but eventually you’ll get there.” Celestia raised her delicate mug. “To the new Princess Luna.”

“Agreed.” And the two of them drank a small toast, for of course the tea was still quite warm. Shortly afterwards, Surly arrived with their meals, depositing each plate in front of its respective Princess with a reverent bow.

Luna looked for a moment over her cabbage roll, which was quite nicely presented on a small crystal plate. Although it certainly looked appetizing enough, her nose detected something a little off in the aroma, almost… citrusy? That couldn’t be right. Then again, the haute cuisine proprietors of Manehattan had been known to experiment with exotic flavours in their quest for perfection. Perhaps such was the case here. Summoning a bit of magic, she brought it up to her mouth and took a strong sniff. The tangy note of citrus came through even stronger. Beside her, Celestia was already delicately nibbling at her assortment of fresh fruits. Attempting to put down a bit of nagging anxiety, Luna ventured a bite.

The sweet explosion of the orange sauce collided with the younger Princess’ expectant palate like an out-of-control locomotive, and instantly the cabbage roll was back on the plate, followed by whatever half-chewed fragments could be as quickly jettisoned from her oral cavity, which was subsequently washed out with a gulp of tea. Celestia looked over with concern, “Is something the matter, Luna?”

Still recovering, Luna was slow on the reply. “Yes, something is certainly the matter! This tastes like… like… oranges! Who puts orange with cabbage?!” An explosion of secondary coughs erupted from her then, silencing any further conversation.

“Hmm,” Celestia said thoughtfully. “That’s certainly not an ordinary combination. Perhaps a mistake was made on the order. Would you like me to call Surly over?”

Receiving a nod, Celestia used her magic to ring one of a long row of bells that were hung just outside the door to the kitchen. Each one carried a slightly different note, and an expert server could usually differentiate which table was ringing simply by the sound. Of course, the system only worked for Unicorns; Pegasi and Earth Pony tables were forced to do it the old-fashioned way. Shortly, Surly arrived, his face taking on an air of concern (and a perceptible hint of nervousness) upon seeing Luna’s distress. “Is everything alright?” he asked, perhaps a tad unnecessarily.

Luna had recovered enough to fully assert herself. “Does it look alright to you? These cabbage rolls are terrible! What does the chef think he’s doing putting oranges with cabbage?”

A few heads had begun to turn towards the Princess’ table. “Of course, Your Royal Highness, allow me to confirm your order.” Leafing through his notepad, Surly’s face suddenly acquired its own abnormal hue, as though it was he that had gotten sick off a cabbage roll, rather than his patrons. Voice now trembling slightly, he turned back to face Luna. “You did order, uh, the cabbage roll à l’orange, correct?”

Not noticing that she had the attention of much of the restaurant at this point, Luna answered in an assertive, angry tone. “Al Orange, indeed! Am I to believe that this is the so-called ‘national treasure’?”

At the moment, Surly looked as though he would rather be facing down a squadron of changelings while armed with nothing but his notepad than delivering this particular piece of news, but to his eternal professional credit, he swallowed and carried on. “I’m afraid then… I’m afraid then, Your Royal Highness, that no mistake has been made. This is, uh, how a cabbage roll à l’orange is made.” Immediately after finishing, the Earth Pony cringed, clearly expecting retribution of some description, probably a stiff shot of blue magic.

“Well, is that so?” Luna replied with a voice of indignation. “Somepony told me that they were positively to die for.” Here, Luna turned a fiery gaze towards her sister, having realized that certainly her earlier goodwill had all just been a ruse. It was then that she noticed that Celestia too appeared to be having some difficulty with her lunch. Or, no, on second glance she was simply struggling (and failing) to contain a sudden outburst of mirth. It figured.

Feeling embarrassment grow hot in her face, Luna now realized just how much of a scene her outburst had made. The restaurant had grown suddenly silent, except for Surly who, cracking open one eye at last, let out a large sigh of relief upon realizing that the Princess hadn’t changed him into anything unnatural. Both of the reporters were eagerly scrawling notes in their own personal journals, and she could just imagine the headlines that would be carried tomorrow, all over Equestria.

Disgusted with it all, she got up from the table and left, stalking down a hallway. She could hear Celestia hurrying after, but talking some more with her sister was about the last thing that she wanted to do right now. Calling to mind her position in the castle, Luna made for the nearest door to the outlying grounds.

Celestia teleported to her side with a flash of golden light, her face still shining with delight. Moving alongside at a solid pace, she tried to be consoling. “Luna, please. I realize how this whole thing must look, but I had nothing to do with any of that. The oranges, and the cabbage, it was just… so perfect. I’m sorry.”

“Do you honestly think that I’m going to believe any of that at this point?” Luna’s anger made her breath come in sharp bursts. “This WHOLE DAY has been nothing but you getting some pleasure off of my discomfiture, hasn’t it? Well this is the end of it!” She spied the large doorway at the end of the hall, and made for it.

Beside her, Celestia sped up to a gallop, trying to block her path. “Luna, wait! You can’t be going out there, not like this!”

Putting on her own burst of speed, the younger Princess outpaced her sister, but just as she reached the door, Celestia’s magic drew the bars across it, sealing the passage. Letting her final frustration show, Luna turned to face her sister with a fiery stare. “You’d better have a VERY good reason, Celestia.”

Surprisingly enough, the elder Princess appeared totally serious once more, although Luna definitely wasn’t going to allow herself to be fooled by that act again. “By this point it will be raining, Luna. Remember that discussion of ours from earlier? If you’d like to go outside, you’d be best served getting an umbrella first. And,” she paused for just a slight moment, and then in a voice a bit quieter than before, “you’d probably prefer to go out by a different door as well.”

“A different door? Why? Is this the only one that isn’t booby-trapped? I don’t think so.” And Luna reached with her magic to the heavy oak portal, ripping the whole assembly out of the wall and tossing it back along the hall, where it collided with a brass candelabrum, producing a havoc of crashes and clangs. Turning her back to her sister, Luna raced out… into blinding sunlight.

It was a positively glorious day in Canterlot, as the gleaming sun streaked off of the tiled roofs of the city in a dazzling rainbow of colors and patterns. The castle grounds stretched out for dozens of yards in all directions; a cornucopia of blossoming flowers and fresh, green fields, spread out on gently rolling hillsides. A collection of other ponies could even be spied in the distance, clustered about an assortment of picnic tables. It was most certainly not a dreary, rain-soaked afternoon.

Finally, Luna realized that the she could take no more of this. The frustrations of the day boiled off into her bloodstream in a torrent, calling to mind forgotten memories of powers once held for just such an occasion. The blazing glory of the sun’s light dimmed perceptibly in that instant, as the younger Princess, afire with her magic, turned around to look her deceiver in the eye once more. “I’m so glad I got my umbrella,” she said in a voice barely above a snarl.

For her part, Celestia appeared merely perplexed, and clearly surprised in her own way at the clarity of the sky. Suddenly, she had a brainwave, clapping herself on the forehead. “Oh, of course! That makes perfect sense! I forgot that Overcast was filling in for Sonny today, so of course it wouldn’t be raining! Luna, I am so sorry for all the confusion.”

But when she turned back to look at where her sister had been standing, Celestia saw only a deep, dark shadow. Indeed, Luna was hovering above her, at the center of a shapeless void that drank in the light of the day with a horrid surety. Bolts of dark purple lightning crackled along her form, and when she spoke again, it was in a voice hardened by perceptible power, as well as unimaginable incredulity. “Still you persist, Celestia? After all of today’s work, and after everything you’ve already done, we’ve come down to the rawest, most egregious deception possible. How do you possibly expect me to believe…” she raised her voice to a roar, “THAT THIS IS OVERCAST?!”

Celestia’s face took on a pained expression, and it wasn’t only because this time she hadn’t been able to protect her eardrums quick enough. “Luna, please. Do you have any idea what would happen if the Equestrian Sun were to see you now? All of our work, everything would be undone.”

“You think that I care about your work? When it has already become clear that you couldn’t care less about mine? I’ve had enough of you, Celestia! The two of us are finished! Estranged! Done, forever!”

Celestia took a step in toward her sister, who still hovered in the center of what had become a very quiet section of the castle grounds. Slowly, but without fear, she reached up with an outstretched foreleg to grab Luna by the hoof. “Think, Luna. Finally, here’s Lesson #4: Equestria is more important than either one of us, or any of our singular concerns. The hardest responsibility in being a Princess lies in setting aside all personal considerations, and doing whatever is necessary only for the good of the country. The two of us may have personal disputes or differences of opinion from time to time, but in the end none of that can matter when we have a country to run. Now,” and she looked Luna straight in the eyes, her face filled with compassion, “are you ready to accept this responsibility?”

As the words hit their marks in her mind, Luna felt the magical tidal wave of fury that had sustained her begin to ebb. Princess Cadence had been held prisoner for more than a day (on her wedding day, no less) and rather than take some well-deserved personal time to recover, she had immediately taken off for an even more dangerous assignment in The Crystal Empire. Princess Twilight was still new to the position, but had already distinguished herself as a frugal noble, refusing the pleasantries that came with the position and instead getting down to work. And of course, there was Celestia, who had managed the entire country single-hoofedly for more than a thousand years, not out of greed, but instead a singular devotion to the task of guiding Equestria into its bright future. And here she was giving up her responsibilities due to a small personal dispute?

All at once, the passion that had held her consciousness in sway gave out, and Luna floated back down to Earth, landing gently with her head held low. Tears fell from her eyes as she realized how close things had come to total ruin, and all over so miniscule an issue. “I’m sorry, Celestia,” she choked out. “I don’t suppose that my public reputation will ever be able to recover from an event like this.”

The field was silent then, except for the furious sound of dozens of pencils racing their way across parchments, and a few excited voices from farther up the hill. For, as it turned out, the collection of ponies at the picnic tables had not been just a group out enjoying the bright afternoon, but had instead been the press corps called to report on the new park. Every news outlet from Las Pegasus to Manehattan had sent a correspondent, eager to get their first look at the “new” Princess Luna. While tomorrow’s issues would doubtless prove to be big sellers, their content wouldn’t be particularly helpful in resurrecting the younger Princess’ image.

“Don’t worry about any of that, Luna,” Celestia said encouragingly, stroking her younger sister’s mane with a gentle hoof. “It will set us back, but now that you understand how to truly live up to your responsibilities, it is only a matter of time before you will earn the respect that you deserve. There will always be parks to open, grants to give out, and projects needing some ground broken.”

Suddenly, Luna felt the whole of the day coming into sharp focus in her mind, and she jerked her head up in surprise. In an instant, it all made sense. “This whole day, everything, it was all just to lead up to this moment, wasn’t it?”

Celestia stepped back, and the sun blazed off of a rooftop in the lower city to set her mane aflame in dozens of striking hues.

“Of course it was,” she affirmed with a note of pride. “Don’t you know that I always have a secondary purpose? You had to learn that lesson, one way or the other.”

Luna laughed; real, genuine laughter, and she let it carry away all of the accumulated stresses that the day had wrought upon her. “I suppose that’s so. But tell me one thing, Celestia.” Here she stepped in close, and spoke in a very serious tone once more. “Did you really have to do it quite that way? All the confusion, the deception, the evasion? Surely there was some other way to make me come around.”

However, rather than the knowing smile and witty quip that Luna had been expecting, her sister’s expression deepened into one of confusion. “I’m sorry; I haven’t the slightest idea what you’re referring to, Luna. Everything I’ve done today has been in good faith, trying to teach you the proper lessons. All the rest… that was all just one giant misunderstanding.”

Luna threw her head back to let out a guffaw. “You can’t seriously expect me to believe that such an inexhaustible stream of coincidences and tragic luck could all have been an accident, can you?”

“Well, what am I supposed to say? I guess you were just having a really bad day. And again, I’m sorry about laughing back in the cafeteria. I mean, the oranges, and the names… it was just too perfect. It will make a wonderful anecdote for the Gala next year.”

Luna hardened her gaze once more. “You wouldn’t dare let a story like that see the light of day!”

“Seriously, you’re not worried that I might embarrass you, are you? At this point, robbing a bank would probably be a boost to your public image!”

Luna appeared to seriously consider the proposal. “Hmm, you know I could do that. Earn a reputation as a dangerous anti-hero that lives by my own rules?”

Celestia raised a hoof to correct her sister. “Equestria first, Luna. Always, Equestria first.” But then, the elder Princess got that look in her eye, a look that Luna knew all too well. A plan had just occurred to her. “Although,” Celestia began again, scratching her chin thoughtfully, “if you are looking for a way to begin anew, the Equestrian hoofball league is starting soon, and Canterlot is looking for a catcher. As the team manager I could get you into the running.”

“Well, I have always been a bit of an athlete, and it would beat the library. Sure, we could try that. And since you’re the manager, you can introduce me to all the players, right?”

“Of course I can. I should warn you though, hoofball-players’ names are generally rather odd.”

Luna thought about how their day had gone so far. “Oh come on now, how bad can they be?”

Author's Note

This was all just a little experiment of mine, trying out genera that I'm not usually involved in just to see how things would go. All the more reason to be upfront and blunt in your criticism, please!