Expedition to Dweezil

by SanityLost

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Sex
Length: 2068

A short comedy story about a corrupt official chosen to go to a newly discovered planet.

Twilight Sparkle discovers a new planet, a tropical paradise she dubs Dweezil. Princess Celestia intends to send a colony to this planet, but first wishes to send a single pony in a one pony spacecraft built by her student. This first pony will not only be the first to enjoy the paradise of a planet, but they will also lead the new colony that will arrive after them.

Princess Celestia must choose between her most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle, and the famous politician, Notorious Shenaniganz, to lead this expedition.

Who will she choose? What will be the fate of the first visitor to Dweezil?

Author's Note: This story is really different kind of story from the others I've written. Writing lots of drama was kind of getting me down, so I wanted to do something more lighthearted for a change. The cannon characters in this story are a little OC, so I ask that you suspend belief a bit. A very special thanks goes out to Word-Sight, Taranasaurus0.0, and TheStarsGuide for prereading and editing this story.

This is an experiment to see if I can write in a different genre, so please tell me what you think. Just don't come at me with burning torches and pitchforks if you think it's too crazy. :) Also, I don't mean any offence with this story, if any is taken.

Published 2012-02-13 01:24:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-02-13 01:24:01 UTC

Expedition to Dweezil

High upon her purple velvet throne, the Princess sat, neutrally observing the two ponies before her. To her left, was a large brown earth pony, dressed in a cheap black suit. Over his right eye was a monocle that made his green eye abnormally large through the lens. He was Notorious Shenaniganz, the most famous politician in all of Equestria, save for Princess Celestia and her sister. To her right, was her most beloved student, a purple unicorn named Twilight Sparkle.

The princess flexed her wings and cast a weak light spell that caused her horn to be enveloped in an emerald glow. She spoke with an even tone, “As you are both aware, only one of you can be chosen to board the one pony spacecraft, Moon Unit, to the newly discovered planet of Dweezil. The other will have to stay here and serve as the chief science officer all space missions. Both of you, please make your closing arguments as to why I should choose you to be the first pony to set hoof on this tropical paradise, and eventually lead a colony there. You first Twilight.”

At the sound of her name Twilight puffed up her chest and spoke with chipper confidence, “Certainly Princess Celestia. I feel that I should be chosen to go to this tropical paradise of Dweezil, because I posses both the scientific and magical knowledge to safely travel in space. You should also choose me because not only did I discover the planet, and create the ship that will be used to make the journey, but Mr. Shenaniganz political record is...less than desirable, bringing his ability to lead a colony on Dweezil into question.”

When her student completed her statement, Celestia turned to Mr. Shenaniganz, “Would you like to make your closing statement Mr. Shenaniganz?”

The politician cleared his throat and fixed his large eye upon her, almost startling the seasoned monarch. “My wonderful and glorious Princess of the wondrous realms of Equestria, for my closing statement, I only have one thing to say. I have served your mighty and powerful empire faithfully and loyally with every fiber of my being for 20 years.”

“When you build the second, larger ship,” Notorious continued, “and the colony arrives, I will employ my experience to lead them on that planet, as I have led them on this one!”

The Princess nodded stoically, “Mr. Shenaniganz, you have served Equestria for 20, almost 21 years. In that time, you have been tried for embezzlement seven times, perjury four times, tampering with evidence three times, and 107 counts of pickpocketing.”

Twilight glowed as the politician's shady past was brought up, sweat formed on the brow of Notorious. “None of which I was convicted of,” said the brown stallion quickly.

The princess cleared her throat, “Thanks to your law practicing brothers.”

The princess' personal student could almost feel her heart pounding hard against her chest. She shot a nervous glance toward Celestia, who looked back calmly.

Celestia flexed her wings, “In any case, after hearing your closing arguments, I am ready to render my decision. Twilight Sparkle, you are a very devoted student to the sciences and the arcane. You have uncovered many mysteries, including the discovery of the tropical paradise of Dweezil, and the secrets of space travel. Not to mention, you built the one-pony ship that will take the first pony there, and have already created the blueprints for the second ship that will deliver the colony of ponies to Dweezil. You are very qualified to lead this mission.”

“Thank you very much Princess Celestia,” Twilight said, almost breathlessly, “you can be sure that...”

“However,” the Princess cut her off, “you lack the cunning that Mr. Shenaniganz clearly possesses, a trait that will be endlessly useful as a leader of a new space exploration colony. I am choosing him to go on the one pony mission to Dweezil, and then later become the leader of the colony that will be sent there.”

At her announcement, Twilight's jaw dropped, “Princess, you must be joking. Don't you remember that this was the stallion who not only swindled Ponyville out of 10,000 bits, but also took you and your royal court for 100 times that amount?”

The princess turned her gaze to Twilight, a secret glimmer passed between them. “It wasn't proven in the court of law, but yes, I do remember those events occuring. Also, I am not joking Ms. Sparkle. Are you mocking my decision?”

Celestia's personal student shrank back. “N-no your highness.”

“Very well,” the Princess continued, “Notorious Shenaniganz, you are hereby named the first pony to travel to Dweezil, and the leader of the colony that will be sent after you. Twilight Sparkle will remain here on this world, to conduct all of the necessary scientific research for the journeys of both you and the colony that will come after you.”

The emerald light around Celestia's horn grew bright and flashed, blinding everyone in the room for a second. The light faded away, signalling that the royal session had ended. “Twilight Sparkle, you must take your leave now.”

Twilight curtly bowed, but not before exchanging secret glances wtih the princess once more, “As you wish your highness,” she walked away briskly.

Shenaniganz beamed, “May I say Princess Celestia that you won't be disappointed, and...”

“Silence,” said the monarch, ready to conclude the meeting so she could move on to other duties, “I must now give you your instructions.”

Dweezil was beautiful. The palm trees were lush and the wildlife was bright and beautiful. Notorious laid out on one of the many pink sand beaches on a large towel, and watched the sun continue its ascent into the sky. It was all he had done for the past year, and while he had enjoyed his time in this paradise, he waited for the second rocket to arrive.

His instructions from the Princess had been clear. One year after he arrived on Dweezil, the second ship would arrive, carrying the colony he was set to leave. He was told that there would be many female ponies on this craft, as males were in short supply on Equestria. Excitement bubbled within him when he thought of many beautiful mares walking off of the ship, ready to greet him.

Mr. Shenaniganz took personal pleasure in seeing Twilight's face on launching day, a twisted mesh of anger and sorrow, as he boarded her rocket craft, a silver, spherical vessel made out of a metal he forgot the name of.

As he looked into the sky, he saw a large, silver sphere floating in the sky. It left a stream of smoke as it fell straght toward the surface of Dweezil. After a few minutes it landed and imbedded itself a few hundred feet away. Excited, the politician rose from the beach and began to gallop in that direction.

Once he reached the ship, a door slid back to reveal a young, light blue earth mare standing in the entry way. Notorious' heart stopped. She was one of the most beautiful creatures he had ever seen. Her thick, blond mane and tail flowed gently as she walked toward him. “Hello sir, are you Notorious Shenaniganz, our leader?” She said.

Her voice was a melodious symphony to the stallion's ears. His mind was in a haze.“Huh?”

“Are you our leader?” She shouted.

The politician's mind instantly cleared, “Oh yes, I am Notorious Shenaniganz, and who are you my lovely young mare?”

She smiled, “Oh, my name is Seabreeze, I was chosen by the others in our expedition to lead this voyage. Now that we're here, I wanted to officially pass that office to you.”

“That sounds wonderful. Shall we just informally begin to refer to me as the leader?”

“Well we could, but we actually planned on holding a little ceremony. Why don't you come join us in the ship?”

Both mare and stallion walked side by side as they passed through the ship's open doors. Inside were nineteen of the most beautiful mares he had ever seen. All of them greeted Notorious in turn, and as each one spoke to him, his mind went further into the clouds.

After he met all of the mares, he was greeted by a horrendous sight. A large, dark green earth pony with scars running down his chin and neck walked up and meekly introduced himself in a husky voice as “Hacksaw.” “Hacksaw” was easily half-again the size of Notorious, however the stallion's meekness assured the politician that he'd be able to take the dominant role of the two in their new colony.

Once all of the mares had met him, Seabreeze spoke. “Mares and stallion, everyone give a round of hooves for the stallion that will lead us to glory on this new, beautiful planet, Notorious Shinaniganz!”

All of the ship's occupants stomped their hooves on the ground, causing Mr. Shenaniganz to swell with pride. “Thank you all,” he said with exuberance, I am very honored and humbled to be the leader of a group of beautiful young mares...and uh...stallion.” A murderous glance from “Hacksaw” made him aknowledge the other stallion on the ship.

“Thank you very much.” Seabreeze beamed at him, “The Equestrian Space Traveling Gay and Lesbian Colony is proud to have such an esteemed stallion as yourself as its leader!”

Notorious felt a cold pit form in his stomach, “Did you just say Lesbian...?”

“I sure did,” Seabreeze's voice was extremely jovial. “Oh, I wanted to introduce you to my life partner, Diamond Glimmer!”

A white mare, more beautiful and shapely than Seabreeze, with one large diamond pictured on her flanks, walked up and gently kissed her partner. “Aren't you excited love, we made it, we finally made it!”

Shenaniganz stared at the smooth, silver metal he stood on. No...this had to be a joke, this just had to be. “Oh, Princess Celestia told us to give you thi,.” said Diamond as she handed him a letter.

Notorious half-hardheartedly opened the letter.

Dear Mr. Notorious Shenaniganz,

I hope this letter finds you well. At the time of this writing, the Equestrian Space Traveling Gay and Lesbian Colony (ESTGLC) is very excited to begin their journey. I have selected ten of the most beautiful lesbian couples, and a former stallion convict, released on good behavior, from the Equestria Maximum Security Prison, for the expedition to Dweezil. I hope you find their company as entertaining as I have! The young mares are such wonderful conversationalists, and have a surprising amount of knowledge regarding anatomy and sexual behavior that I am sure you'll find very fascinating in your many discourses with them.

Bash, better known as “Hacksaw,” is a charming stallion once you come to know him. Though, I will caution you, during the night time hours, his prison record shows that he always became “very friendly” with the other inmates.

Please do not worry about the problem of procreation. Twilight Sparkle created a spell which she cast on each mare, that will cause them to give birth every four years without having to perform intercourse. This, I am sure, is a great relief to you. You can use the extra energy that you will have from not having to perform this chore to put toward hiding from “Hacksaw” every night.

Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, the entire royal court, the town of Ponyville, your honest political rivals, and I, wish you well and much luck as the leader of the Dweezil colony.

With fondness,

Princess Celestia

Once Notorious had finished reading the letter, there was a gentle touch on his shoulder. He turned to see “Hacksaw” grinning at him. Three of his teeth were missing. The large stallion leaned down and whispered in his ear, “Hey handsome, I used to be in the pen, but they let me out on good behavior. Don't let that fool you though, I can be very, very bad.” He finished his statement with a wink.

Mr. Shenaniganz let out a mournful scream that traveled through time and space. Through mystical means, it reached the ears of both Celestia and Twilight Sparkle as they sat having tea in the castle courtyard.

Both princess and student smiled, silently congratulating each other on their successful ploy to get rid of the corrupt politician. They returned to their tea to discuss matters of magic and friendship.