Tuesday the Seventeenth, Part XXXVII: Derpy Lives
Scootaloo's Terrifying Tale
A campfire burned merrily in a clearing in the Whitetail Woods. A group of fillies and colts sat around it, singing campfire songs and toasting s'mores.
The troop leader, an adolescent pegasus mare with an orange coat and fuschia mane, smiled at her charges. "Alright, my little ponies, finish up your snacks, it's almost time for bed."
"Awwww," the ponies whined.
"Miss Scootawoo?" a unicorn filly spoke up.
"Yes, Pumpkin?"
"Teww us a scawy stowy," Pumpkin Cake pleaded.
"YEAH!" the others chorused.
Scootaloo tilted her head. "Wellll...I dunno..." She looked around at the campers. "Are you sure? I mean, I don't wanna give anypony nightmares."
"Go on, tell us!" Pound Cake urged.
"Weeeeeeellll....okay," Scootaloo said with a smile. The campers cheered. The camp leader cleared her throat, and all the little ponies quieted down, sitting and watching intently, eager to hear a good, scary campfire story.
"Hmm, let's see..." Scootaloo mused, scratching her chin with a hoof. "I guess I could tell you about the Olden Pony..."
"LAAAAAAAAAME!" the campers chorused, giggling.
"Oh? Okay then, what about the Headless Horse?"
"LAAAAAAAAAME!" the campers repeated, giggling.
"Oh yeah?" Scootaloo asked, raising an eyebrow. "Then I guess I'll have to tell you about..." She paused, and shone a flashlight underneath her face, accentuating her sudden wicked grin. "Derpy Vorhooves."
"YEAH!" the little ponies cheered.
"Okay then," Scootaloo said with a chuckle. "It all started back when I was a filly, on a dark, stormy night, out at the old Hoof Hill Cemetery..."
* * * * *
A thunderstorm raged over the cemetery on a hill overlooking Ponyville.
Without warning, a bolt of lightning slammed into an old, forgotten grave. The headstone, unreadable from the wear of years, exploded in a violent shower of debris. The wet, dead leaves covering the ground were scattered as the dirt and grass covering the ancient grave erupted skyward in an earthy fountain of destruction.
A second lightning bolt struck the grave. The lid of the ancient coffin burst into flames as it was blasted skyward.
Above the roiling clouds, a grey pegasus mare was rolling around on her back, hind leg kicking and twitching as she snored. With every kick of her leg, another lightning bolt burst forth from the cloud.
A hailstone bounced off her skull, waking her up. "Whu...huh?" she mumbled sleepily.
"DERPY!" a mare's voice shouted over the thunder. "Wake up, you ditz, you're making a huge mess!"
Derpy's wonky eyes opened sleepily, to observe an irate sky-blue pegasus mare hovering above her. "Huh? Oh...sorry, Rainbow Dash."
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "Just go home, Derpy."
* * * * *
Spike jumped at another loud rumble of thunder. "Whoa! The pegasi are really goin' all out tonight."
Twilight Sparkle turned a page in her book. "Quiet down, Spike! I'm trying to learn a new spell."
"Oooh, what does this one do?" Spike asked.
"Well, if it works right, it'll let me turn myself into anything I want," Twilight replied. "But I'm not sure I can get this one to work, it's pretty advanced..."
Spike shrugged. "Well, whatever. If you get it to work, I'll see it in the morning." He shuffled off to bed.
A half hour passed in silence, save for the low rumbling of the storm. A constant magical aura surrounded Twilight's horn as she probed the shape of the spell's magic, becoming familiar with it. Just as she felt confident in her ability to cast the spell, the window beside her desk shattered with a violent crash. Alarmed, she lost control of the magic...
A minute later, a woozy Derpy dug herself out of the wreckage of a bookshelf, shaking her head and spraying rainwater from her mane. "Whoopsie, sorry about that..." She blinked, looking around. "Is anypony home?"
It was then that she noticed something unusual and interesting lying on the floor: a big, shiny lavender and violet spork. The colors reminded her of that nice unicorn, Twilight Sparkle. "Ooooh," she breathed. With a happy giggle, she picked up the spork, which was nearly half her size, and flew erratically back out the window.
* * * * *
The rain had stopped, but the sky was still heavy with dark clouds that blocked out the stars; the light of the half moon struggled to penetrate the remnants of the storm. A few ponies who preferred the night life were roaming the muddy streets; lights shone from the windows of the few shops which were still open this late.
As Derpy flew through the dark, she espied the front of Sugar Cube Corner. She licked her lips. "I sure could use a muffin," she said to herself.
The spork gripped in her hooves suddenly lurched. There was a cry of alarm and a zappy noise from off to Derpy's left. She turned around, startled, and espied a pink muffin lying forgotten on the street, protected from the mud by a pizza box. Wings fluttering, Derpy dove upon the muffin and slurped it up with her tongue. "Mmm!" Derpy let out a little gasp of delight as she discovered the muffin was jam-filled. With a happy smile, she took flight once again, dark red jam dripping from her lips.
She hadn't been flying long when she realized she was still hungry, and wanted another muffin. Her shiny giant spork lurched again. There was another cry of alarm and another zappy noise. Turning to investigate, she saw a white muffin with electric blue icing lying next to a pair of sunglasses. "Oooh, that looks yummy!" she cried, zipping down to inhale the tasty-looking iced muffin. Amazingly, this one was also jam-filled, and its flavor made her tummy go WUB-WUB-WUB, which was weird, but she didn't mind, because it was a whole new kind of muffin and if Derpy loved anything, it was discovering new muffins.
"I...need...more...MUFFINS!" Derpy declared to the sky as lightning crashed and thunder shook Ponyville.
* * * * *
The next day, eighteen ponies were reported missing. Nopony had any idea what had happened. Most disturbingly, Twilight Sparkle was among the missing, which made many panic; if something was happening to the townsponies, who was better qualified to deal with it than Princess Celestia's number one student?
Derpy awoke to an insistent pounding on her door. "HEY! DERPY!" Rainbow Dash called from the other side.
Derpy trotted sleepily to the door. "What is it, Rainbow Dash?" she asked, letting out a yawn which turned into a massive belch.
"About time you—hey, what's that all over your face?" Dash asked, blinking at the wall-eyed mare.
Derpy blinked, then looked at herself. "Oh, that's jam," she said. "I ate a lot of jam-filled muffins last night."
Dash tilted her head and studied Derpy. "Yeah, I think you need to cut back on the muffins," she said. "You don't look so good." She barged in and rustled her wings. "Anyway, clean yourself up and get ready to fly, we're forming up a search party for all the missing ponies."
"Missing ponies?" Derpy asked. She idly fluttered over to the wall and picked up her shiny violet spork, leaning it against the wall and studying it.
"Yeah, and—wait." Dash frowned, examining the spork. "Uhh, Derpy? What the hay is that?"
"Huh? Oh, this is a big funny spork I found last night!" Derpy said cheerfully.
Dash tilted her head. "Why does it look like Twilight Sparkle? Hey, it even has her cutie mark on it!"
"Oh, does it?" Derpy asked. She frowned, ears flattening. "Gee, I hope it doesn't belong to Twilight," she said. "Maybe I'd better ask her—"
"Actually, Twi's kinda missing right now," Dash said. "Spike thinks she screwed up a spell she was working on, but that doesn't explain all the other missing—"
Derpy was only half-listening. "I'm hungry," she complained. "I want another jam-filled muffin." She leaned against the wall, nearly knocking over the lavender spork.
A jolt of magic burst from the spork, hitting Rainbow Dash. Dash let out a squawk of alarm before collapsing inward on herself with a loud *POP*, turning into a sky blue muffin with rainbow icing.
Derpy gasped. "Oh my gosh! Are you okay Rainbow Dash?"
Dash didn't answer, because she was a muffin.
Derpy paced back and forth. "Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh, I just turned Rainbow Dash into a muffin!"
She paused, looking at the Dash-muffin, which looked really really tasty.
Before she could stop herself, she had gobbled up Rainbow Dash, the sweet jam filling splattering on the floor.
Derpy paused, looking at the jam splatter, then back at Twilight Sporkle.
A crazed, hungry grin crept slowly across her face...
* * * * *
"Before anypony realized what was happening, Derpy had eaten over half the ponies in Ponyville," Scootaloo said. "My friends and I decided to try to stop her after she ate Miss Cheerilee." She looked down sadly. "Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle didn't make it. But I trapped Derpy. I trapped her and I brought her way out here, to these very woods. I buried Twilight Sporkle so that nopony could ever be turned into a muffin again.
"Derpy hasn't been seen since. Some say she died. But I think..." Scootaloo looked around at the campers. "I think...SHE'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!"
The campers screamed and whirled around to find a wall-eyed grey pegasus sitting behind them, sticky red jam dripping from her lips. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" they yelled, whinnying and galloping off in every direction.
Scootaloo rolled around on the ground laughing. "Oh man, now I know why Rainbow Dash loves telling these stories!" she said. Sighing, with tears of laughter in the corners of her eyes, she sat up. "Thanks, Derpy."
"Anytime, Scootaloo!" Derpy said cheerfully, waving and taking wing.
Chuckling, Scootaloo began rounding up her wayward charges.
At the edge of the clearing, half-buried under a carpet of pine needles, a large lavender spork with violet and pink tines lay forgotten...
