There's a New Law in Town

Celestia, upon clearing her throat, softly spake in an elegant tone.

"Greetings. I hear you are one of the 'humans' our mythology books speak of."

"Um, i guess. I mean, yes," he finally decided. Then added a bow for good measure. "Your highness."

"How polite. Our hopes and desires may yet be answered."

"Yeah, my mom and dad taught me to b-hopes and desires?", he completely lost his original train of thought.

"Yes. You must help me, and all of Equestria," Celestia pleaded.

"Are you sure you want my help? Last guy I tried to help, well. Let's just say that staying in a Russian gulag for three years without toes or...other parts isn't the most pleasant of times," he looked seriously at the ground, an index finger resting on his chin. "He still won't accept my apology."

Celestia looked on in horror for a few seconds, then shook her head frantically. "What's a gulag?"

"Not important! You said you needed help?", he immediately drove the conversation elsewhere.

"Yes. We have received word that a friendship stone has been discovered near an old dragon napping ground. It's atop the peek of that mountain," Celestia pointed a hoof out the window at a mountain peek.

"Wait. So like, am I supposed to go into a cave with lots of dangerous stuff and get this thing for you?", Law stroked his very manly beard.

"No. You're just going to walk up there, grab it, and walk back."

"Oh. Well at least you didn't just say it was atop a mountain, and then let me run around randomly looking at that mountain, that one and that one," Law pointed to three mountains connecting to the one Celestia had pointed to.

"Yes, that would not be in our best efforts."

"Welp. I s'pose I should be going now," Law awkwardly walked out of the courtroom.

As Law walked through town, he realized that he never really knew how to get out of here. He didn't really come here in the first place. He didn't even come to Equestria at all. He just woke up in a strange bed, then he fell asleep, and then he woke up in yet another strange bed. So now he had no clue where he was, except for the remnant thought that Celestia usually came from Canterlot in all the episodes she appears in.

"So am I in Canterlot?", he saw a stallion walking down the street. "Excuse me sir, but am I in Canterlot?", he asked in a rather posh British accent.

"Yes, yes you are, and might I ask what you are?"

"Why my dear sir, I am a human."

"A human? Fascinating!", the stallion suddenly had a posh British accent.

"May I ask, where might I find the exit?"

"Stage right! You cannot miss it! Hahaha!"

"Why thank you old chap!"

"You're quite welcome dear boy!"

And with that, Law exited stage right.

As Law exited stage right, he found himself in complete darkness. He hadn't a clue where he was, only that he had somehow just left Canterlot. After a few moments, he found himself looking into an endless smoke, inside the smoke, he found words and a picture of a pegasus flying. The words read the following: Pegasi control the weather in Equestria. The Everfree Forest is an example of a 'nonpegasium', or a place in which the weather is not pegasi controlled.

"Interesting..."

Finally, after what felt like an hour, Law found himself standing outside of a large wooden gate. He looked and saw two royal guards standing on either side of the gate. He decided that he wanted to talk to them.

"Hello there sir guard, might I speak with you?", his sexy British accent gone, he spoke in a stupid American accent. It doesn't matter which stupid American accent it was, as they are all stupid.

"Let me guess, somepony stole your cupcake."

"What? No, that is not it at all."

"My cousin's out fighting changelings, and what do I get? Guard duty."

"Heh, doody. I mean! Wait, are you even listening to me? Meh, I don't care anyway. Hey you!", he shouted to the other guard.

"I used to be an adventurer like you, than I took an arrow in the knee."

The other guard quickly spoke up.

"Me too!", he ran over next to Law and whispered in his ear. "We all took arrows in the knee. Don't do it! You'll end up like us. Don't. Do it!", he jumped back to his post.

"Okaaaaay. I'll be off then."

Law looked in the direction of the peak Celestia had pointed at, and immediately found it.

After what felt like hours, Law found himself at the peak. He held in his possession a wooden sword he had punched out of a tree, and a bunch of wolf pelts. He looked over and found the friendship stone sitting on a pedestal.

"Wow. That was easy."

Law walked over and grabbed the friendship stone and turned to walk away. As soon as he turned around he noticed that something smelled fishy.

"Something smells fishy."

That's what I just said! Anyway, he looked down and saw a dead fish flopping about next to bowl of water that had broken against the rocks. He didn't know why the dead fish was flopping about even though it was dead.

"Oh, it's a fish. That's what smelled fishy. And it's next to that broken fish bowl. Huh, if it's dead than why is it still flopping about? Ah well."

Do I even need to be here?! Why am I even talking to him? He can't even hear me! Oh wait, my mic's turned off. I was wondering why there weren't any quotation marks, or tags that said I was speaking.

"There we go," the narrator said as he turned his mic on. "Oops, didn't mean to say that out loud."

"What the-!"

"Hey you! I'm the narrator. Can you please stop describing everything? That's my job!", the narrator politely asked.

"Oh, sorry."

"Thanks," the narrator then turned off his mic.

Law finally decided to return to Canterlot. Nothing really happens until like the last five minutes of the walk, so let's pretend this Horizontal Rule is most of his walk, and skip over it.

Now when Law was nearly in sight of Canterlot, he noticed something flying overhead. It was a giant dragonfly. He didn't know what to do but it seemed every guard was fleeing in terror and it was up to him to stop it. So he looked around for a weapon, and when he found none, he grabbed a corn stalk from a nearby corn field. He batted the dragonfly in the eye with it and the thing flew around and ran into the mountain and died.

Wow. That was boring. Let me try that again. *cough*

As the dragonfly flew overhead, Law knew he had to do something, so he looked for a sword, while holding the thing back with a hand. The dragonfly did not like this, so he picked Law up in his mouth and flung him across the large field, and Law conveniently landed in a corn field. Law lay there, looking around amongst the long corn stalks for a weapon, thinking of what to do.

"What to do? What to do? Aha! I've got it!", Law said as he reached for a rock.

The dragonfly swooped down  and landed on his hand, making it impossible to reach the only weapon-like object in sight. Then, Law had a new idea. Law reached out with his free hand and grabbed one of the many corn stalks growing around him. With the freshly picked corn stalk, Law stabbed it straight into the eye of the beast, causing it to fly wildly in the mountain, impaling itself on a bunch of trees.

Law, with the corn still in hand, took a bite of it, like a boss. At that moment, you could hear a very loud shout come from what seemed like the sky.

DOVAHCORN!

Law raised his corn and simply took another bite.

Later in the presence of Celestia-what? I'm a lazy narrator alright?. Anyway, Celestia was talking with Law about the events of the day.

"Mr. Law, you have proven yourself worthy of the title of Dovahcorn. The Dovahcorn holds the power of the corn. Only the Dovahcorn can wield such a power and actually do damage with it. I mean seriously, if you were just some normal dude, that dragonfly would have killed you."

"So, am I supposed to go and see whoever it was that said I was the Dovahcorn?"

"What? Of course not! You can just go pig out on corn or something. How else would you get more acquainted with the power of the corn?"

"I don't understand what that means, but it still makes more sense than climbing a mountain to probably just do the same thing."

"Exactly. Also, I wish to make you a thane, so I can call on you any other time I'm too lazy to fetch a completely harmless artifact."

"Wow, thanks...I think."

"But wait, there's more! I'll also throw in this hot chick since I barely even know you!"

An attractive female guard walked in.

"And you want me to...do what now?"

"I dunno, whatever it is you do all the time. I hardly even know you. Heck, you could even go marry this pony for all I care. You could probably marry me for all I know, because we don't even have any rules regarding romantic relationships between employers and employees in this city."

"Um...okay."

"Also, you can buy a house. Because being a Thane immediately makes you a citizen just cuz I say so."

"Uh...alright."

"That's it. That's all you're getting from me. Seriously. I'll just start repeating myself if you don't leave," When Law didn't walk away immediately, Celestia kept talking. "That's it. That's all you're getting from me. Seriously. I'll jus-"

"Okaaay. I'm leaving. Come on...what's your name?"

"My name is Lyrica."

"Ah. Well Lyrica, let's get going. Here, hold all my stuff for me."

"Ugh. Fiiiiiine!", Law piled all his wolf pelts on Lyrica's back.

"This couldn't possibly go wrong!