The Hacker Pwny: Side Stories

by Chetzi

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe
Length: 1377

For people that loved THP and want more.

Ever wonder what happens to Neon when he's not dealing with his problems in The Hacker Pwny? Maybe he's learning more about Equestria, fixing problems others have dumped upon him, getting dragged along stupid adventures. Mostly just hiding in his cave. But let's look into random events in his life, that will have no actual impact on the plot

The point of this story is so I can write more The Hacker Pwny, but without the restriction of the plot or setting. Expect silliness.

Published 2013-06-05 22:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-06-05 22:10:02 UTC

Tis the season to give a fuck

*Knock knock*

I heard the familiar sound of hoof on wood. God I hated that sound. It always meant someone is coming to interact with me. Ugh. As I stepped out of the chair, a chill sparked through me, reminding of the season. I always liked the cold. It was comforting. It meant no people. Anyway, I pushed my self away from my computer and followed the knock. The knocking got louder and quicker.

"Calm your tits man, I'll be right there," I said in annoyance from the sound. The door slammed open right as I reached it, hitting me in the face. "GOD DAMNIT! Oww, do I look like spike to you?" I rubbed my nose.

"Hmm? Oh there you are. I thought you weren't home so I decided to come in," said Twilight,  who was covered in winter gear, which included earmuphs so no wonder she couldn't hear me, with the border-line blizzard going on outside. Once I got feeling back in my face, I slammed the door back. I need a better house, this thing I rented sucks. Twilight started taking off her coat, only to shiver and tug it back on. "Burrr, why is it so cold in here?" She then had a cozy purple light squeeze out of her horn, warming the place up.

"Twilight, I finally have my own house now, I can make people leave. And you're invading my privacy by just barging in here. State your purpose or get out."

"Oh, cheer up, it's hearth's warming eve. I'm here to show you how this holiday works. First, we sh-"

"Alright thanks tell me next Christmas," I interrupted, pushing her out the door.

"H-hey! And it's called Hearth's war-"

"That's nice, kay thanks bye." I slide her the rest of the way out the door and shut it, locking 4 out of 16 of the locks.

"Fine then. But I will teach you before tomorrow!" Ugh, I hate determined people. Twilight must have noticed my lack of reply and continued. "Where are you still here? In Equestria?"

"I-" I bit my lip to avoid saying something I didn't want her to know about. "It's... I find this world to be safer."

"With a near-total lack of all of your home security? Neon, we've been friends long enough, you can tell me." I couldn't lie again, she'd be able to tell.

"Fine. I don't know. I just haven't had a reason to go back to Earth... and I'm not as..." I trailed off, I couldn't let her I get lonely.

"Please, Neon?  I know you don't like the holidays because you had no one to share them with. I froze at that part. I opened the door and walked outside with her.

"If I give you an hour of my time, will you leave me alone?"

"Yes, although I get to bring Pi-"

"No."

"Flutt-"

"No."

" Rainb-"

"No!"

"Appleja-"

"I don't even care anymore. Just stop asking."

"Yes! Looks like the princess will get a friendship report today."

"Are you saying the whole reason you're doing this is so you can give your tyrant dictator a Christmas gift?"

"It's not Chri-"

"I can call it whatever the hell I want." I seem to be interrupting her a lot. "I will follow you around for an hour and maybe even enter a store. But I don't want any of your annoying friends to tag along. I find you barely tolerable."

"Alright,  I'll agree to that." Twilight started walking away, motioning for me to follow. I gallop until I get beside her, my skin being oblivious to snow. Twilight noticed my lack of clothing but because of my lack of reaction, she doesn't say anything. "First, we need to find a person to give a gift to."

"Snails."

"What why?!"

"Why not?"

"Uh... okay then... Snails it is." I'm going to have so much fun with this.

We spotted Snails from across the street, and Twilight insisted on watching him from secret to find out what he wants. I have the response,

"Pretty sure this is invasion of privacy. We could just walk up and ask him."

"No," she insisted. "We have to be thoughtful." Snails was just standing. He was just on side of the road looking a patch of grass. He's been doing this for five minutes now.

"Twilight, you have only fifty minutes of my time left. You should provoke him into doing something." She didn't want to, but she knew she had too, she loves her Celestia too much. Twilight's horn glowed and a gob of snow fell from the nearby building onto Snails. I guess that's a way to provoke him to do something. He was completely oblivious. Snips walked up from behind, and they started talking. They were too far away for us to hear.

"Don't you have some gadget to let us hear them?"

"Do I look like James Bond to you?" She only looked at me quizzically. "Forty-five minutes Twilight."

"There is no way five minutes have passed!"

"It will if you argue." I can see how stressed she's getting. She's going to get desperate.

"They're moving, let's go." I trudged beside her the entire ten steps until our targets stopped. They looked at a funny cloud. I'd go into more detail, but I'd rather leave it at 'Rainbow Dash definitely did it.' Classy, Dash, just classy.

We followed them for about twenty minutes, ending up in the same spot we started. Once Twilight realised she did all that walking and watching for nothing, she grew angry. Her teeth clinched.

"Twilight, you know how little time you have let, are you sure you don't even want to try my way?" With no options or patience

Side stories

We followed them for about twenty minutes, ending up in the same spot we started. Once Twilight realised she did all that walking and watching for nothing, she grew angry. Her teeth clinched.

"Twilight, you know how little time you have let, are you sure you don't even want to try my way?" With no options or patience left, she handed the attempt to me. I walked out the bush we were hiding in and strolled over to our target. "Hello there snails, what do you want for Chri- Hearths warming day?" It took a long second for him to notice and respond to me.

"I really only want all this snow to stop hitting me." I could see a spark of purple behind me as Twilight went borderline-rage mode. She stayed 'hidden' though.

"I can help you with that," I replied. I levitated a head umbrella I stole from a nearby shop onto his head.

"Aww, thanks man you're the best." And with that, the two idiots ran off, to do some other stupid thing, and I didn't care because my stupid thing was done. I can finally go back to my life of masturbating, programming, ignoring other ponies, and sleeping. Twilight decided to just storm out. Whatever, now I don't have to interact with her for a while.

"That's it, grandpa Neon?" Said Aystex. I stared at him.

"What do you mean 'that's it?' That's what really happened," I responded. Cerkly rolled his eyes and said,

"Grandpa Neon, we all want a REAL story though. With blood, squishy insides, guns, tanks, hacking, heroic moments, all that awesome crap you did so much "

"Tsk," lunka clicked. "My bothers may be oblivious to lies, but I'm not. I know that didn't happen, some parts don't match up. Tell us what really happened during your first Hearth's warming eve." Damn. Lunka did always have a talent for social detecting and manipulating.  But I really can't tell them. It caused an... event that I'd rather not tell them about.

"Ah!" Aystex exclaimed. "Didn't the destruction of Trottingham happen the day of your first Hearth's warming eve?" As always, his logical reasoning and deduction skills are sharp. They all looked at me, angrily wanting an answer.

"Ffffffffffuuuuuu!" I raged. I don't have much of a choice now. "Fine. Sit back, and enjoy the story on how I PEACEFULLY destroyed Trottingham. And, Cearkly, no one died or got hurt, so don't assume anything."