Chapters View Online
There Goes the Neighborhood
Things Are Never So Bad That They Can't Get Worse
Chapter 1
Things Are Never So Bad That They Can’t Get Worse
As the sun reached its apex above the overcast sky, Celestia and her fellow alicorns were settled onto their chariots. With nothing left to do but wait for their chariots to arrive at the nearest town, she had lain down to get some much-needed rest.
Discord's music had stopped in the distance, which likely meant he had finished disposing of the vermin. Despite that, she could still hear rumblings in the distance behind her as more buildings—perhaps even her castle—continued to fall. According to the guards, almost all the buildings in the city had been hit. Her eyes burned at the thought of the homes, businesses, and countless historical artifacts and monuments that had been lost.
It was a cruel twist of fate that the only building to remain completely untouched was Prince Blueblood's manor. Celestia already knew her ‘nephew’ was repulsive, but if his personality could actually repel parasprites, he probably ranked slightly higher than Sombra on a list of the worst ponies in history.
With the clouds below them, the sun shone directly on her white fur, giving extra warmth to her horn as it slowly drew in power from the rays. Lighting her horn to test her magic's state, she found that it could at least form a stable field again, but it wasn't strong enough yet to lift the half-eaten crown from her head.
“Princess Celestia?”
The call came from the chariot on her left. Raising her head above the rail, she could see Twilight Sparkle sitting up straight, unintentionally mocking her own lack of energy.
“Yes, Twilight?” she called back impassively, raising her voice to be heard over the lashing winds.
“I just wanted to make sure you’re okay, Princess. You used a lot of magic, and I know that can be exhausting.”
At the mention of her title, Celestia's eye gave an involuntary twitch.
“I am fine, Princess Twilight Sparkle,” Celestia said. Turning to the other side, she called out to her sister, “Princess Luna, Princess Twilight Sparkle is concerned about our condition. Would you please tell the princess how you are doing, Princess?”
When her sister appeared over the rail, however, it was to give a simple shrug and point a hoof at her own throat before collapsing again. Sighing softly, she turned back to Twilight and said, “There's no need for formalities now. There will be enough of that for all of us once we reach Ponyville.”
“Right. Sorry about that. Old habits, you know.”
Celestia started to say something in reply, but stopped as Discord caught up with them. He was riding on a chariot of his own, made of petrified parasprites held together by gooey caramel and pulled by two rubber ducks chasing a cheese wheel. The silly vehicle slipped easily into position between Celestia and Twilight, largely due to the pegasi at the front of the other chariots moving aside to distance themselves from it.
“Good afternoon, everypony!” he said in his infuriatingly jovial voice. “You'll be pleased to hear that those adorable little balls of mischief have been dealt with.”
“So you turned them all to stone?” Twilight said, her voice quavering, as Celestia gave an involuntary shudder at the thought.
“Good heavens, no. What kind of cruel harmony zealot do you take me for? I didn't kill them, and I didn't turn any of them to stone," Discord said, proving that even a universe capable of giving birth to mutant parasprites was capable of small mercies.
Twilight gave a polite cough and motioned to the chariot beneath Discord's legs.
“Oh, these?” he said dismissively while rolling a bit of caramel in his lion paw. “They're not real. I modified the enchantment on the parasprites, so now when they reproduce, they spit out stone copies of themselves instead.”
There was something wrong with what he just said, but Celestia couldn't quite put her hoof on it.
“So, Discord,” Twilight said, “are you telling us that you took the parasprites away somewhere, tweaked the spell on them a bit, and just turned them loose on Canterlot again?” By the end, panic was evident in her voice.
The question was fair, but it wasn't the one that was jabbing a stick into Celestia's brain in a desperate bid to draw attention to itself.
“Oh pshaw. Give me a little credit now and then, Twilight Sparkle. I locked them up where they won't do any more damage. Parasprites don't live long in the first place, so they'll be gone in a few days.”
“What could you lock them in that they won't just eat?”
“I found a tacky mansion near the castle that they weren't eating, so I just shoved them all inside and coated the walls, floors, and ceilings with gingerbread. The owner should pay me, really. Whoever decorated the place actually made all the walls the same color! Can you believe that?”
Arg. It's right there. What was it? Parasprites, mansion, gingerbread, stone copies, enchantment… Enchantment? Enchantment!
“Discord," Celestia said suddenly, rising to her full height and enunciating carefully to avoid making any embarrassing mistakes, "you said that the parasprites were modified by magic. If they were enchanted, this was most likely a deliberate attack on Equestria's capital city. I must have more information. Please tell me everything you know.”
“Um... Princess Celestia…” Twilight interrupted, her voice trailing off at the end as her perfect posture fell into a dejected slouch, ears pressed down against her skull.
“Yes, Princess Twilight?” she replied, smirking slightly as Discord grimaced at their sudden display of formality. “Please tell me what's on your mind.”
“Well, Princess, you see... um…” Again, she trailed off as she struggled to find words. “It all started when…”
As the story reached its conclusion a few minutes later, Celestia's muzzle sported a lingering imprint of her hoof. Only Twilight Sparkle could accidentally weaponize parasprites.
“I don't know why the spell is still active, though. It should have ended after a couple days,” Twilight said.
“It was probably just Everfree magic having unpredictable effects. At least they've been dealt with for now, and things can only get better from here.”
Years later, Luna remembered that statement, prompting her to fund Mad Science's development of the irony detector.
Silence had reigned since Twilight Sparkle's explanation of her last encounter with parasprites. No one seemed to have anything else to say after Discord pointed out, “At least they didn't start eating ponies.”
It really could have been a lot worse, Twilight thought as an old cautionary tale about misused magic emerged from her memory.
* * * * *
Rising Tide was a young mare with colors of sky and sea. She was born beside the ocean and lived her life upon its waves, sailing the coastal waters in her father's old boat.
One day, while passing through the waters of an unnamed strait, she found her path blocked by impassable rocks. Though she did not doubt her skills, she knew her beloved vessel was far too large and slow in its maneuvers to survive an attempt to navigate the treacherous waters. To turn back would have been the wise choice, but Rising Tide was a prideful mare and decided to challenge the reefs.
The weathered vessel upon which she had learned to sail would no longer serve her needs, but she would not part with it. Instead, she made landfall near a small village, inhabited by earth ponies who made their living by diving into the waters of the strait to gather seaweed. They welcomed her with open hooves and helped her to tear down her ship and rebuild it into one that was smaller and more agile. In exchange, she used her magic to help gather their crop.
In time, her new boat was completed and she cast it off upon the water. With the sails unfurled, the new vessel, built from the bones of her father's boat, skipped across the waves as quickly and nimbly as she had dreamed. However, her joy was not to last, for her design was flawed, and the boat began to sink. She swam to the safety of the island on the other side of the strait and watched as her beloved ship disappeared into the sea.
Though stranded on the island, she did not fall into despair, for the strait was narrow, and the island could be clearly seen from the village. It would have been a simple matter to cast a spell of light and summon the villagers to her aid. However, her pride once again overwhelmed her wisdom. Why should she call for help when she could escape on her own?
Calling upon her magical connection to the sea, she cast a spell that drew all the water-dwelling creatures within several leagues to her. Within a day, she had found a large sea turtle, which she rode back to the safety of the village.
Upon reaching the shore, she rushed away to tell the villagers of her brilliance, but she found them in mourning, for many of their divers had been attacked by sharks and lost to the depths. Upon hearing her tale, the vengeful ponies bound her hooves and weighted them with rocks before casting her into the water.
The village was soon abandoned, for they could no longer harvest their precious crop. Wherever the ponies went, they told the tale of the madmare who had doomed them and her terrible end in the waters of the Shark Bait Strait.
Little Unicorn, remember the lesson of prideful Rising Tide, and dare not to change the ways of nature, for the unintended consequences may be greater than you can bear.
* * * * *
Beneath the chariots, the clouds rolled past leisurely. The ground was rarely visible in gaps between them, but the landmarks were familiar enough to know they were still on course. Celestia and Luna had recovered much of their strength and were sitting up straight, wearing stoic expressions.
It was Discord who eventually broke the uncomfortable silence. “You've been awfully quiet, Luna. I'm starting to miss having my eardrums shattered every time you look my way.”
Luna's response was to roll her eyes and point a hoof at her throat.
“Yes, yes, I already know. After all that yelling earlier, you're a little... never mind. Too corny.” Everypony within earshot breathed a sigh of relief.
“Anyway,” he continued, “I think you have more important things to worry about than my sense of humor.” He pointed toward Ponyville, and all three princesses saw the problem at the same time; a column of black smoke was rising from the train station. “I'm going to check on Fluttershy. Good luck!”
Discord and his chariot vanished in a flash of light, leaving the three princesses and their guards to investigate the trouble below.
Throughout the trip, Luna had made at least a dozen attempts to communicate with her fellow princesses, but her small croaking voice wasn't enough to make it past the rushing winds, and to make matters worse, Discord had made a point of drawing attention to himself every time she had tried to pantomime something. Even her own bat-pony guards seemed oblivious to the presence of their passenger.
Her chariot descended alongside the others, coming to a stop next to the train station amidst a crowd of ponies who had parted for their landing. The six guardsponies unhitched themselves from their respective chariots and accompanied their charges around to the other side of the single building.
Half of the structure was missing. At least that much of the train—or what was could once have been called a train—was also gone. The column of smoke rising from the locomotive was the result of all the uneaten coal within burning at once, a natural consequence of the entire boiler assembly having been devoured, allowing the fire to spread. The rails had been just as badly ruined. It was obvious that a sprite or two had managed to slip aboard before the shield went up over Canterlot's railway hub. The important question was where they had gone.
Celestia and Twilight Sparkle were busy studying the wreckage, having already doused the fire with magically-conjured water, leaving very little for Luna to do there, so she instead turned toward the townsfolk, finding them mingling in equal numbers with the refugees from the capital. Forcing extra energy to her mane for effect, she opened her mouth to address her subjects, some of whom had remembered protocol well enough even in these stressful conditions to bow hastily. She remembered her predicament just in time to slam her jaws shut and squelch most of the awkward squawk that had tried to force its way out. Grumbling inwardly while steadfastly retaining her outward regality—at least, as much of it as was possible after making a sound in front of them that sounded like a sickly belch—she walked back to her sister and nudged her slightly.
“Yes, sister?” Celestia said, still not taking her eyes away from the train's carcass. Luna gave a more insistent nudge to draw her full attention.
With her older sister's gaze now locked upon her, she motioned toward the crowd milling behind them and gestured to her own abused throat. After a moment of thoughtful silence, Celestia finally took the hint and went to gather the information they needed.
She spared a moment to roll her eyes as all the ponies remembered to bow to Celestia, then quickly began her own investigation by transmuting a stray piece of wood into a scroll, quill, and ink bottle.
Outside the town hall, the residents of Ponyville and the displaced ponies from Canterlot were lined up outside the doors, slowly making their way in. The air was buzzing with the sound of a hundred different conversations, but most of those fell silent at the sound of a princess yelling nearby.
“What do you mean, 'by herself?' Didn't any of you think it would be a good idea to go with her?” Twilight shouted in Applejack's direction.
“Now simmer down there, Twi. First of all, she didn't say a word to us about it before she up and left. And second, this is Pinkie we're talking about. There ain't a thing in that forest that can touch her.”
“And besides,” Rainbow Dash added, “there's so much going on that we all have things to do. AJ's taking some refugees back to the farm, and I have to get my team up in the air to move those rainclouds right after the meeting. We were scheduled to have showers later, but the mayor doesn't want these sissy Canterlot ponies getting wet.”
“You're right,” Twilight said with a sigh. “I can't help but worry about her, but I guess if anypony can get by in there, it would be Pinkie.”
“Okay, y'all, I think we might want to get moving now. That's line's getting pretty small, so the princesses will be wanting to get started pretty soon.”
“Right. You want me to get you past that line?” Twilight asked. Rainbow Dash grinned and opened her mouth to accept the offer.
“Nah,” Applejack answered quickly, beating Rainbow to the punch and squashing her hopes of avoiding the delay. “You go ahead and join the other princesses, Twi. Rainbow and I'll be there in two shakes. And don't you worry none about Pinkie. Once she drops them critters off in the forest, she'll be back quicker'n you can say apple cider.”
“My little ponies, thank you for joining us,” Celestia said in her usual regal manner. She stood at the center of the stage, flanked by Luna to her right and Twilight to the left. “I understand that it has been a trying day for us all, and there is still much work to be done, so I will be brief.”
A quick glance around the crowded town hall was enough to tell that most of the Canterlot ponies had grouped together on one side of the circular room while the Ponyville natives were pushed to the other. Every pegasus in the room was hovering up above, and even up there, they were cramped.
The only exception was a wide area the pegasi were avoiding, where Discord and Fluttershy sat at a floating table, a large umbrella shielding them from nothing in particular. He casually sipped from a tall glass of chocolate milk through a straw that wriggled like a snake, but Fluttershy shrank into her chair and tried to hide behind her own mane. Whether she was hiding from the attention of the crowd or the undulating straw in her own glass, Celestia could not tell.
“Most of you already know what occurred this morning in Canterlot, but for those who are not aware, the city was overrun by a new and particularly dangerous type of parasprite. The infestation was successfully eliminated, but as a result of the damage done before then, most of the city is currently uninhabitable.
“While our intention”—she nodded to the two princesses flanking her—”was to have Ponyville be a temporary stop for most of those who have been displaced from Canterlot, further movement is not an option at this time due to the destruction of the railways. We have dispatched couriers to most of the major cities in Equestria, formally requesting their aid, and we should receive replies from all of them within a day or two. In the meantime, my fellow princesses and I shall remain in Ponyville to oversee Canterlot’s reconstruction and ensure a smooth transition for all of you.
“However, while Ponyville is a wonderful town, it does not have the resources to support such a rapid increase in population. For that reason, we must ask that any pegasi who have fled here from Canterlot proceed as quickly as possible to Cloudsdale.”
With a quick glance to the top of the hall, the princess attempted to estimate how many pegasi would be departing. As expected, not many of them seemed to be Canterlot natives—most of them were probably in Cloudsdale already—but she took note of a large number who looked uncomfortably at Discord in the next few seconds, perhaps considering taking a vacation until he had left.
“We have spoken to Mayor Mare and agreed upon several arrangements. First, the royal court will be held here in the town hall until such time as the railroad has been repaired and trains are able to enter and leave Ponyville again. Our most optimistic estimates for these repairs are six days, although it may take as many as ten.
“Next, we would like to ask that any citizens of Ponyville who have extra space in their homes agree to shelter as many of the victims of this tragedy as possible. Fortunately, the number of refugees who have been stranded here is relatively low compared to the numbers on trains bound for Manehatten, Fillydelphia, and Vanhoover, so we believe it should be possible to provide adequate housing for everypony.”
A slurping sound from above drew everypony’s attention momentarily as Discord drained his glass. Upon his less-than-subtle cue, a second draconequus appeared with a pitcher to refill their glasses, but he noticed that Fluttershy hadn’t even touched hers. After a crack from a tiny whip that probably hadn't been in his talon a moment before, the straw in her glass stopped its gyrations and straightened. Fluttershy still made no move to drink it.
“Lastly, with leave from Mayor Mare, the Golden Oak Library will be closed for the next few days. Princess Luna and I will be residing there with Princess Twilight Sparkle until such time as this matter is completed, and the royal guard has rightly insisted that it be closed to the public as a security precaution. Important matters of town business should still be addressed to the mayor, as usual, but should you have any concern that requires our attention, please present it to us during court. Thank you for your time and attention. I shall now return the floor to Mayor Mare, who will oversee the process of finding housing for those who have been displaced.”
“I’ll see you later, Fluttershy,” Discord called out as he faded through one of the walls, which allowed her to breathe a quiet sigh of relief. It wasn't that she disliked him, but spending time in public with an entity who seemingly lived only for the sake of causing mischief could be taxing on an introverted pony. She was patiently making her way to the exit when Twilight called out to her.
“Fluttershy, wait!”
“Yes, Twilight? Oh! I’m sorry, I should say Princess Twilight in public, shouldn’t I?” By the end of the sentence, her voice was barely more than a whisper.
“It’s fine, Fluttershy. You know I don’t like it when my friends call me by my title instead of my name.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Please stop apologizing, and please don’t say you’re sorry again,” she said quickly, cutting off the inevitable follow-up apology. Fluttershy nodded in response, but hung her head a little lower anyway. “Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about sending some guests over.”
“I’m sorry, Twilight, but I can’t. I don’t have a guest room, and my animals take up what little space I do have.”
“Yes, I know that. That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about. I know you already have a lot of animals to care for, but one of the cars on the train was loaded with all the animals from the palace gardens.”
Ever since Discord had summoned that table, her cheeks had felt like they would burst into flame at any moment, but as the implication of those words struck her, that heat was replaced by a sudden chill, which crept down from her face, wriggled along her spine, and settled down to start a family somewhere in her gut.
She knew what was coming, and it was much worse than having to play host to a unicorn she didn’t know. Visions of stampeding critters, a ruined party, and a rage monster wearing her skin ravaged her mind. ‘You’re going to love me!’ the monster in her memory roared.
What should I do? I can’t let her ask that. I can’t do it! I need to escape, she thought. Now!
“Princess Celestia and I were thinking that you would be the best pony to take care of them while they’re here.”
Oh no. It’s too late to run now. I need an excuse! I need some reason—any reason!—to say no!
Ponyfeathers.
“Aunt Celestia, this is completely unacceptable.”
Ah, here it is. No bad day would be complete without a run-in with—
“Blueblood, dear. What is the problem?” Celestia said, forcing a serene smile to counter her indirect relative’s pouting.
He had practically stomped into the mayor’s office, interrupting the impromptu conference between the heads of the local and national governments.
“The problem is that I simply cannot stay in a place like this!” Blueblood said. “This entire village smells of nothing but livestock and dirt, and even if a place with adequate ventilation could be found, I daresay that my hopes of finding a decent bed are non-existent.”
Of all the ponies who could have been on that train, why him? ... Then again, perhaps I can make the best of this.
“And what do you suggest I do about that, nephew?” Celestia's reply was calm, but beneath the mask of serenity, there was an excitement building, betrayed only by a subtle fluctuation in the flow of her ethereal mane. Putting Blueblood in his place was always a wonderful source of catharsis.
It would need to be done with caution and tact, however. The first time she was overtly snide to one of the nobility, Luna had jokingly nicknamed her Princess Sarcastia . After her sister’s banishment, the nickname had faded quickly for fear of anyone who spoke it being sent to keep Nightmare Moon company, but nicknames tended to be as resilient as roaches, and that one kept popping up every time she intentionally offended a noble.
At least it was better than some of the others though. If she ever figured out who it was that came up with Molestia …
“I must insist that a chariot be assigned to convey me to Los Pegasus with all haste.”
“I’m truly sorry, Blueblood,” Celestia said.
Though only in the sense that I can’t be rid of you that quickly , she added mentally.
“—but the only chariots we brought here were used to send emissaries to the other cities. Besides that, most of the royal guard is dispersed throughout Equestria to help my subjects integrate into their new environments. None can be spared.”
“Then send for one from Cloudsdale.”
Give a fool enough rope, and he’ll eventually hang himself. The only question is how much more rope he needs.
“While there might be private chariots available for hire, I’m afraid I still cannot do that,” Celestia said solemnly.
“And why not?” Blueblood said, nearly yelling. Celestia noticed that the mayor had retreated behind her desk and was occupying herself with some paperwork of the sort that could be propped up to hide her from view and apparently didn't require any writing.
“It is simple. You need bits to hire a chariot. Do you have any?”
“Of course not. All my expenses are paid from the royal treasury,” the unicorn huffed, tossing his mane in what he undoubtedly (and mistakenly) thought was a dashing or regal manner.
“Yes, nephew. Now tell me, where is the treasury again?”
“In the castle, of course.”
I wish I could be surprised that he still hasn't caught on, Celestia mused. “And where is the castle, Blueblood?”
“Canterlot?” he said hesitantly, clearly growing confused by her questions.
“Exactly. And why are we not in Canterlot now?”
“Because those filthy vermin… ate… the city?” His voice was quavering. The reality of his predicament was finally sinking in.
“Very good,” Celestia said quietly, her muzzle moving uncomfortably close to Blueblood's face as her serene smile was abandoned in favor of one that would be considered predatory if her teeth weren’t all flat. “In other words, young prince, the treasury is out of our reach at best, and at worst, completely devoured.”
“Y-you mean…”
“We have no money. For the first time in your life, nephew, you’re poor. Destitute. Impoverished. You cannot leave here because we cannot afford to hire a chariot.”
Blueblood’s coat seemed to darken a few shades (although that might have just been Celestia’s imagination) as he sank to his haunches, mouth slightly agape. Inwardly, the princess was bouncing like Pinkie Pie after a pot of coffee, but her outer facade betrayed none of her elation over her relative’s comeuppance.
“Don't worry, dear. I know a place where you can stay where there is plenty of room and excellent ventilation.”
“Really, Auntie?” he said. Hope was clearly rising in his voice, which would make his impending misery all the sweeter.
“Yes. I just need to make a few arrangements, but I’ll have somepony pick you up soon and escort you there. Now, go wait in the main hall with the others.”
Blueblood picked himself up and slowly made his way out of the office, again not showing the proper deference that his own rules of protocol would have demanded he show the Princess of the Sun, but she suspected there was no malice or arrogance in it this time. He just had a lot on his underdeveloped mind.
Now to find Applejack, she mused. And I’ll need to tell her to keep the barn doors open. I’d hate to have lied about the ventilation. Perhaps she’ll even manage to teach him the value of a hard day’s work, though that’s probably asking far too much.
All in all, I’d say this is a perfectly flawless plan.
“Excuse me,” Rarity said, tapping the shoulder of a light gray-coated unicorn to pull her attention from the group of ponies she was conversing with. “Please pardon me if I’m mistaken, but would you happen to be Silk Satin?”
The mare’s cherry-red curls bounced as she turned around. “Yes, I am,” she proclaimed haughtily.
“Ah, yes. I thought as much. My name is—”
“Rarity,” Silk Satin interjected. “I am familiar with your work.”
Suppressing the urge to squeal like a filly, Rarity pressed forward with the conversation. “Really? I’m very flattered. I’m familiar with your work as well. In fact, you’ve been something of an inspiration to me.”
When she paused to allow the Silk Satin to reply, no words were forthcoming. Instead, the elder fashionista simply stared at her appraisingly, her teal eyes slowly scanning from Rarity’s indigo mane, down to her face, then back toward her cutie mark before finally returning to make eye contact.
“So, is there a point to all this?” she finally asked.
“Well, yes, actually. I have quite a bit of extra room at my boutique, so I can take in quite a few ponies from Canterlot. I can assure you that it is a much more, shall we say, cultured environment than can be found elsewhere in this quaint little town. Would you be interested?”
“No,” Silk said, still maintaining eye contact, but holding her head as high as possible. Rarity couldn't help but feel that her fellow designer—the best in Canterlot, according to many—didn’t like her for some reason. Had she said something to upset her? Perhaps the conversation she interrupted had been important? Whatever the reason, Silk Satin was a very important pony in her line of work, and there was only one way she could see to salvage the situation: tactical retreat.
“I see. I’m terribly sorry for disturbing you then. Please keep in mind that my offer still stands, though.” Silk Satin nodded tersely and turned away without another word, resuming her discussion with the other mares gathered around her.
Rarity’s head swam with incoherent thoughts as she slowly walked away, trying in vain to make sense of what had just happened. It definitely was not the outcome she had expected. She had been prepared for small talk, shop talk, a few tasteful jokes, compliments (some sincere, some not) passing both ways. Wasn’t that how things were supposed to be done in those social circles?
Her introspection was brought to a sudden and slightly painful end as her muzzle collided with a hoof being waved in front of her face.
“Oh no! I'm terribly sorry! I was just trying to get your attention, and you didn’t seem to hear me when I called your name, so I thought I’d wave at you and then—” The unfamiliar yellow mare’s Pinkie-like rambling was brought to a halt as Rarity’s hoof leapt forward in instinctive desperation, burying itself in her mouth. With her senses back in the waking world, Rarity noticed that she was now flanked by half a dozen unicorn mares, all with cutie marks that appeared to be related to sewing.
“How about we start over now, darling?” Rarity asked as she retracted her hoof.
“Okay. My name is Cotton Weave. These are my friends,” she said, motioning to each one in turn as she called out their names. “Silver Thread and Silver Needle. They’re sisters. This is Chiffon, Glitter Lace, and this is Spindle.”
“It’s a pleasure to meet you all. Please pardon my inattentiveness a moment ago. I am Rarity.”
“The pleasure is all ours, Miss Rarity. Is it true that you have a boutique with some extra room?”
After the town meeting ended, Rainbow Dash had been the first pony out the door. With all the Canterlot pegasi moving on to Cloudsdale, there was no need for her to share her house, so she had gone straight to work organizing the weather team.
A whole sky full of storm clouds moved in less than two hours , Rainbow Dash mused as she lazily drifted (which was still fast by most standards) toward her cloud home for a well-deserved nap. Seriously, that has to be some kind of record.
As she flew past the other pegasi on her way back into Ponyville proper, they all shouted greetings and congratulations to her.
“Awesome job, RD!”
“Thanks, Flitter,” Rainbow replied, knowing it was completely true.
“Great work today, boss!”
“Good job yourself, Thunderlane!”
“Hey, Rainbow! This should make you a shoo-in for that Weather Manager of the Year award!”
“Hay yeah, Blossomforth!”
“Sorry about earlier, Rainbow Dash. I just don’t know what wen—”
“Don’t say that!”
By the time she reached her house, Rainbow’s pace had slowed to a relative crawl. I can’t wait to climb into bed and take a long nap , she thought as her hooves touched down on the clouds.
I can’t believe how tired I am from that. I can barely lift my hooves. It almost feels like they’re sticking to the clouds. As her head dropped, her blurry vision came to rest on the fluffy pink surface beneath her. …Pink?
Her vision returned in a rush of adrenaline as she realized that it didn’t just feel like her hooves were sticking; they actually were. Cotton Candy. And that can only mean—
“Oh Celestia! Not him!”
A splashing sound from below drew her attention, and she immediately spotted the one being she least wanted to see.
As he paddled a canoe up a stream of chocolate that should have been her rainbow waterfall, Discord called out to her. “Welcome home, Rainbow Dash!”
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There Goes the Neighborhood
When Life Gives You Lemons, You Can't Make Lemonade Because It Stole Your Sugar
Chapter 2
When Life Gives You Lemons, You Can’t Make Lemonade Because It Stole Your Sugar
It had all been going so well.
Space had been found for nearly all of the Canterlot refugees. Enough food had been secured to feed everypony in town. All of Equestria was being informed about the disaster, and aid would arrive soon. Nearly every box on Twilight’s checklist had a mark in it.
Then the howling started.
Suddenly, ponies were running and screaming, moving in every possible direction with no sense of logic or order to it at all. The half of them from Canterlot, she could understand—most had never heard a timberwolf before—but the Ponyville natives should all have known that wolves rarely left the Everfree Forest and never came into town.
Twilight’s cries for order were being ignored completely, lost among the din. I guess Princess Luna was right about me needing to learn the royal Canterlot voice. It sure would be useful now.
Is she the Princess of the Night or the Princess of I-Told-You-So? Twilight thought as Luna landed next to her, smirking arrogantly, and gave a wink. With an air of complete confidence, she threw her head back and belted out an anti-climactic royal Canterlot squawk.
As Luna slowly lowered her head and blood pumped into her cheeks, Twilight’s mouth hung agape. Her right eye tightened into a squint as the brow above it twitched. Locks of her mane redirected themselves skywards, launching upwards like spring-loaded flowers grasping at the sunlight. Awkward silence descended over them, and even the cacophony surrounding the two princesses had completely stopped reaching their ears. It was like being in a soundproof bubble made of disbelief and shame, penetrated only by an occasional panicked pony who would immediately stop screaming, bow respectfully, trot back outside the bubble, and pick up where they had left off.
“Be still! ”
The bubble was shattered by Celestia’s shout. Upon her command, issued from the top of the town hall, everypony in town instantly stopped and fell into a deep, quivering bow, much like they had on the Nightmare Night when Luna had given the same command. Twilight went halfway down to the ground before catching herself, and even Luna reflexively bent her knees a bit.
With a single flap of her large wings, Celestia crossed the square and landed roughly in front of her sister and protégé. “Luna. Twilight. A timberwolf has emerged from the forest and is approaching the town. We must intercept it.”
“A timberwolf coming into town?” Twilight asked. “I’ve never seen that happen before.”
As Celestia took a step toward the howling shape in the distance, Twilight jumped forward to stop her. “Wait, Princess Celestia. I can return it to the forest easily enough. You’re needed here more than I am right now.”
After exchanging a brief, knowing glance with Luna, Celestia said, “Thank you, Twilight, but it isn’t that simple. This timberwolf has expanded its hunting grounds to Ponyville. Even if you return it to the forest, it may attack again.”
“Then you mean…”
“It must be destroyed,” Celestia said.
Luna displayed her agreement with a slow nod.
“I see,” Twilight said. “In that case, I guess I’ll stay out of your way, but I still want to go with you.”
Celestia nodded. “Of course. We must hurry, though. It will reach Ponyville at any moment.”
On their way out of town, Twilight noticed that the other ponies in town, including Applejack and Rarity—both surrounded by the groups they would be sheltering—had not risen from their prostrate positions. If not for the sound of their chattering teeth, she might have wondered if they were even alive.
Wow… I’m glad Luna was the one who got shunned and turned into a nightmare, Twilight thought. If it was Celestia, she probably would have won without a fight.
The buildings rushed by as they galloped through the town, finally coming to a halt at the edge of a field as the ravenous timberwolf ran across it. Twilight conjured a scroll and quill as the others stepped forward to challenge the beast.
The quill flashed across the paper as Celestia’s mane erupted, transforming from a soft solar breeze into a wild solar flare. From its depths, a broadsword emerged, glowing white from the heat. Luna, meanwhile, pulled a weapon of her own from her starry mane. It was much smaller than her sister’s sword with a darkened narrow blade, but Twilight’s gaze was mostly focused on a mysterious blue gleam along its edge. The fate of anything struck by the broadsword was obvious, so her notes reflected that the mysterious nature of the rapier made it seem far more threatening.
The timberwolf slowed to a walk as the princesses calmly approached it. The moment it stopped, the alicorns made their move, Celestia’s blade striking downward in a slashing motion as Luna’s stabbed forward.
The timberwolf performed a clumsy half-pirouette to dodge the broadsword and quickly sucked in its wooden gut to let the rapier slide by. As it stood on one hind leg in an awkward pose, the stunned princesses withdrew their weapons to their own sides. The wolf slowly lowered itself to all fours and took a few steps back.
“I think it knows it’s beaten. We should just let it go now,” Twilight said as she furiously scribbled.
Ignoring Twilight’s pleas for mercy, Celestia leapt forth into the fray with a furious battle cry. With a sickly squeak, Luna charged forth. Their swords cut an intricate path through the air, and although the wolf dodged every strike, they continued pushing it back and getting closer with every attack.
Finally, it stumbled, and the alicorns moved in for the kill. As both swords flashed down to strike its head, the timberwolf’s mouth opened so wide that its jaw fell to the ground, and it shouted in a shrill voice. “Waaaaaaiiiit!”
Both swords stopped centimeters short of their mark. Celestia’s was close enough to singe the wood of its neck. Suddenly, they heard the sound of a zipper, and the timberwolf collapsed to the ground in a flat heap. In its place stood a winded and panicked pink earth pony.
* * * * *
“Thanks, Twilight,” Pinkie said as her friend poured some water on a smoking patch of fur. “I thought I was a goner for a minute there. You have no idea how hard it is to talk in one of those things. I was like 'Mmmph' and 'Mrrrmmm,' and nopony could hear me, so I had to break off the handle that controls the mouth with my teeth, but pony teeth aren't good for cutting like a wolf's teeth, so I had to—”
Twilight and Celestia tried to tune out her rant, their ears flipping down and pressing hard against their skulls in an effort to keep her influence from infecting their brains. Luna had slightly more presence of mind and shoved a royal hoof into Pinkie's mouth. After a moment, she made the mistake of withdrawing it.
“Wow, I’ve had hooves in my mouth before, but that’s the first time I’ve ever had a silver shoe in there. It tastes pretty funny, kinda like a cupcake if you replaced all the flour with silver and instead of icing you put some silver sprinkles—”
Three hooves went into her mouth at once.
“Pinkamena Diane Pie,” Princess Celestia said, “we have some questions we need answered, so please refrain from talking about our shoes for now.” Receiving a nod in response, all three hooves withdrew.
“So Pinkie, I guess the obvious place to start would be what you were doing dressed up like a timberwolf,” Twilight said.
“Oh, that’s an easy one! I ran into some timberwolves on my way back from dropping the parasprites off in the forest and after running from them for a while, I thought to myself, ‘Why run when I can make friends?’ But then I realized that timberwolves don’t like ponies all that much, so I thought if they thought I was a timberwolf too, we could all be happy timberwolf friends together. So that’s why I put on the costume!”
Celestia unwisely decided to question her further. “May I ask why you were carrying a timberwolf costume around in the first place?”
“Of course, but I wasn’t carrying it. I have costumes like that stashed all over Ponyville in case of timberwolf emergencies or Nightmare Night costume shortage emergencies.”
“But you weren’t in Ponyville.”
“Well, duh. That's when you need them the most!”
After a pregnant pause, Twilight glanced over to her mentor and found her eyes to be vacant, staring unblinkingly into the distance. Luna's were the same. “Okay then. I think I’ll just take Pinkie into town and let you—”
Try to put your minds back together, she finished mentally.
“Erm, let you sort everything out in peace,” she finished verbally.
As Twilight walked away with her friend, she glanced back at the senior figures of Equestrian royalty, both sitting on their haunches with their ears twitching, but otherwise unmoving. After turning back toward town, she heard the dull thump of a pony’s body hitting the ground.
While she hurried to catch up with Pinkie, an old cautionary tale of misused magic came to her mind.
* * * * *
Second Sight enjoyed a good life in Canterlot. With her talent for temporal scrying, she had earned a reputation as one of the city’s foremost seers and quite likely its only authentic one. Still, she had never been called before the princess to give a reading, as many of her peers had been.
The indignity weighed heavily upon her mind as the passing months became years. Eventually, it became unbearable, and she decided to ask why she had never been called upon. Her petition was received, and she soon stood before the glory of the princess.
“Little pony,” said the princess, “why do you feel I have wronged you?”
“Your majesty, ruler of Equestria and the heavens beyond its sky, I beseech you. Tell me why you will not call upon me as you do the other seers?”
“Second Sight, I do know of you and your talent, but I do not truly wish to know what the future holds. I have not called upon you, because you alone would be capable of seeing the truth of me, which no mortal can comprehend.”
“I do not understand, your majesty,” she wailed.
The princess was sympathetic and wrapped a comforting wing around her. “Little pony, return now to your home, and know that you are special in my eyes,” she said. Unbeknownst to the princess, a single feather of down fell from her wing and caught in Second Sight’s tail.
Though she returned home, Second Sight was not satisfied with the answer she had been given. Even if the princess did not want to know her own future, she still wanted to perform the reading. Focusing on the feather she found in her tail, she gazed into the distant future.
Nopony knows what she saw, for when her neighbors came to answer her scream, all they found was a white feather atop a pile of ashes.
Young Unicorn, remember the tale of Second Sight, and never forget that delving into mysteries which are beyond your comprehension only leads to tragedy.
* * * * *
Pinkie’s voice drew Twilight back to the present. “Ooh, look Twilight, a new pony! Two new ponies! No, three! Four! Three hundred and twenty-two!”
Twilight's eye gave an involuntary twitch as Pinkie figured out the exact number of ponies that had been stranded in Ponyville after only seeing a fraction of them.
So I can see thirty-three of them right now, Pinkie mused. No new pegasi in town, so there’s probably not any staying at any of the cloud houses either. Gotta account for that in the sampling and adjust the population table. Margin of error is five. And that was two—no, three—neck twitches. There should definitely be…
“Three hundred and twenty-two!”
Pinkie hummed quietly to herself as she decided the best way to celebrate the arrival of so many new potential friends. There’s no way to do it at Sugarcube Corner. Town Hall might be big enough, but the punch bowl would get too crowded. Aha! I know!
“A block party!”
“Huh?” Twilight replied.
“This many new ponies calls for a block party, Twilight. Now I just need to pick the right place to set everything up.”
“Pinkie, I’m really not sure that—”
“Be quiet for a minute. I’m trying to aim.”
Though she raised an eyebrow at the party cannon that had suddenly appeared in front of Pinkie, Twilight did shut up and let her work.
That won’t do. Too many unicorn horns there. All the streamers would get hung on them. How about over here? No, that won’t work. Ponies will need extra walking space in the market. Maybe over by the barber shop? Nope, there’s a quartet singing there. Huh… I’m pretty sure that’s Flim and Flam singing lead and baritone. Oh well, as long as they’re not causing Applejack any trouble, it’s fine.
With a growl, Pinkie shoved the party cannon away.
“What’s wrong?” Twilight asked.
“I can’t set up a party anywhere. There’s just too many ponies in the way,” Pinkie said, sighing.
“Well, I’m sure you’ll be able to set something up once things calm down a bit.”
“Yeah, you’re right, Twilight. I’ll just try to be patient.”
“Discord! What the hay did you do to my house?”
“Hm? Do you not like it, Dashie?” the draconequus said innocently.
“Of course not! Change it back,” Rainbow yelled, her exhaustion having vanished in an instant. She was pretty sure what she was feeling was a surge of adrenaline, but she might also have picked up a sugar high just from being in the presence of so much cotton candy.
To her surprise, he huffed and said, “Oh, fine.” One snap of a talon later, her house was back to normal. “Are you sure you don’t want to keep the chocolate waterfall, though?”
If the collision of clouds made sounds, the slam of the front door would have been loud enough to make Discord’s horns spin.
Feeling cheated out of a perfectly good gag, Discord spun his horns anyway. Regardless, teasing Rainbow Dash was as fun as he had hoped, and with her wild temper, he could amuse himself for days. All he had to do was avoid crossing any of the lines that would draw the princesses’ attention.
Despite hurrying home after the meeting, the castle fauna had already beaten Fluttershy there. The caretaker was unloading their crates and cages from a large cart, but it wasn’t the same stallion that she had seen a couple of years ago at that disastrous gala. He was a fairly young pegasus, large with a sleek, aerodynamic build and a cutie mark of a red bird standing atop a cloud.
“Oh my,” she said. “I had no idea you would be here so soon.”
“Was I too fast?” he asked with a voice that was as soft and gentle as a summer breeze in a meadow. “I’m terribly sorry about that. I came straight here as soon as Princess Twilight gave me the directions.”
His soulful blue eyes locked onto hers apologetically, his head slightly declined in shame for his unintentional transgression. Despite the embarrassing blood rushing to her cheeks, she maintained the eye contact.
“Oh, no sir. It’s quite all right. Thank you for bringing them,” she said, forcing herself not to mumble.
“It’s my pleasure. I love these little guys too much to just leave them in Canterlot.”
A stray cloud that had been sheltering them from the sun’s rays blew past them and the midday sun shone down on him directly. His cerulean coat shimmered in the light like waves on a perfect sea, and his yellow mane shone like gold. Her reply caught in her throat as she stared at his radiant form.
“Are you okay, Miss Fluttershy?”
She shook her head to reboot her brain and said, “Yes, I’m sorry. I’m sure I’ll come to love them just as much as you, mister…?”
“Freefeather.” The name brought images to her mind of birds migrating in huge, beautiful flocks.
“That’s a wonderful name. So will you be here often to check on them, Mr. Freefeather?”
“I’m afraid not. Princess Celestia asked for pegasi to head to Cloudsdale.”
“Well then, will you be returning to pick them up when it’s time for them to go home?”
“I’m sure I will. Thank you again for your kindness. I know taking in all these animals is a huge imposition.”
“Oh, it really isn’t much trouble at all. I love taking care of animals."
Freefeather gave a soft chuckle at that. She didn’t know what was funny, but his laughter sounded like beautiful holiday bells to her ears. Shaking his head, he told her, “I wish my wife was more like you. She doesn’t even…”
He kept talking for a little while longer, but Fluttershy didn’t hear a single word of it. Around her, shadows grew longer and animals prodded impatiently at her legs. Eventually, she noticed that the stallion had left.
“Ponyfeathers.”
I know I’ve seen her before.
Blueblood was certain she had never shared his bed. Even if he was too drunk to realize what a hayseed she was, he would still never do that with an earth pony. Seeing the mare at a society function was extremely unlikely. The most likely possibility was that she was somepony’s servant. He almost wished he had bothered to listen to her name when she introduced herself.
In any case, she didn’t seem overly thrilled by his presence. That was nothing new, though. His lessers often had delusions about their own importance, and when faced with a pony who truly mattered, they tended to be resentful. As long as she stayed quiet, he wouldn’t bother telling her employer about her poor attitude.
Wherever she was taking him—and by extension, the other nine ponies around him—it was far from the center of town. The other ponies were a mixed bunch. While five were proper unicorns, three of the others were earth ponies, obviously servants in his aunt’s employ. He would never stoop to employing their kind. The last was a beige pegasus mare with a sky blue mane and a broken wing. Pathetic, he thought. She's too useless to even get out of everypony else’s way like Aunt Celestia ordered those featherbrains to do.
As they topped a small hill, a forest came into view. Everywhere he looked, there were trees, rows and rows of them as far as the eye could see. The madmare had led them straight to the borders of the Everfree Forest!
“What are you thinking?” he yelled, startling all the others and bringing the group to a blessed halt. “Don’t you realize where you’re taking us, you foalish simpleton?”
The orange mare spun around to face him, causing him to recoil. It wasn’t that he was afraid of her, though. He simply didn’t want dust from her mane to sully his pristine coat.
“What in tarnation are you talking about? This is exactly where Princess Celestia told me to bring y’all.”
“As if I am to believe my aunt would ever banish her own nephew to the Everfree,” he huffed.
She snickered. He glared. She chuckled. He narrowed his eyes. She guffawed.
“Enough of this foolishness!” he barked. “I demand you take us to someplace civilized.”
A middle-aged gray unicorn stepped forward to speak while the obviously deranged dirt pony comported herself. “My lord, if I may?”
Blueblood nodded. At least the stallion showed proper respect.
The stallion continued, “I do not believe this is a forest, my lord. It appears to be an orchard. She is probably leading us to the plantation’s manor house.”
At that, the mare rolled over on her back, kicking her legs madly into the air and laughing harder than before. Clearly, the very idea of dignity was a foreign concept to her. She had probably found his accent humorous. In the prince’s experience, which he was thankful he had little to none of, such yokels couldn’t properly comprehend civilized speaking patterns.
After she finally picked herself up off the ground and dusted herself off a little, she continued leading them to what would hopefully be a manor of sufficient size to serve his needs. Of course, with the orange lunatic trailing a cloud of dirt behind her now, Blueblood moved to the back of the group, using the bodies of the others to shield his royal personage from the diseases in it.
After a couple more minutes of walking down the disgustingly dirty dirt road, they finally passed the fence and entered the orchard. The filthy servant mare—whose master was now certain to hear of her ill behavior—stopped on the other side of the arch.
“Welcome, y’all, to Sweet Apple Acres!”
Rainbow Dash’s well-earned nap was rudely interrupted as a tortoise zigged when it should have zagged, collided with her chest, and knocked the breath out of her. As she gasped for air, her pet affectionately nuzzled against her fur, oblivious to the murder in her eyes.
With a long groan, she sat up and pushed herself off the bed.
“Darn it, Tank! What are you doing flying around in my bedroom?”
As she moved, Tank took to the air again and flew out the window, breaking a picture frame and knocking over a stack of Daring Do novels on his way out. “I swear,” she said to no one in particular, “if he didn’t need that thing to walk on clouds, I’d never let him wear it inside.”
“I wonder what time it is,” she said, glancing instinctively at a blank spot on her wall where a clock once hung. The clock itself resided in a nearby trash can, sporting smashed glass and a large indentation in the shape of a tortoise shell. Groaning dramatically again, she walked to her window to check the sun’s position.
The sun was slipping further on its downward course, and the length of the shadow cast from her neighbor’s house said it was about four o’clock in the afternoon. She turned to walk back to her bed, intent on trying to sleep for another half hour.
Wait a minute. I don’t have any neighbors! There shouldn’t be another cloud house on this side of Ponyville.
She rushed back to the window to confirm a suspicion. Not only was there a house next to hers, but it was an exact mirror image made from cotton candy instead of clouds. Chocolate milk cascaded from it like her own home’s rainbows, vanishing before reaching the ground. Pinkie Pie had solved that problem with a pogo stick, taking a large slurp of it with every bounce.
Back at her altitude, Discord stepped into view, wearing a neon-green feathered robe and holding a book.
“Hello again, neighbor!” he shouted. “It’s a lovely day today, and I suppose I have you to thank for it.”
She would have slammed the curtains shut, but the book in his paw caught her attention. She stared in silence for a few seconds.
“Oh, you probably haven’t seen this yet. I borrowed Celestia’s advance copy of Daring Do and the Crimson Coffin. ”
Her eyes opened slightly wider than they were ever meant to as desire for the book collided against her disdain for the draconequus. Discord, of course, noticed.
“If you want to read it after I’m done, I’d be happy to pass it on to you, seeing as I’m such a good neighbor.”
Desire scored a knockout blow as disdain was momentarily distracted.
“You mean it? Hay yeah, I want to read it!”
“I just know you’ll love it,” he said. “It’s easily the best one yet. I never would have predicted that it was Ahuizotl’s mother in the coffin.”
The setup was flawless. The delivery, impeccable. The payoff, better than he ever dared to dream. The look on Rainbow Dash’s face cycled between confusion, rage, sorrow, shame—probably at being fooled—and finally settled on something cold and focused. He had expected screaming, but what he got was much better.
“You realize this means war, right?”
Maintaining his innocent expression, Discord gave a confused shrug and walked away from the window, but the instant he was out of sight, his lips curled upwards in a grin that threatened to bisect his face.
My dear Rainbow Dash, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
“You must be joking,” one of the unicorns said after a long moment of disbelieving silence.
“Nope. I ain’t joking at all,” Applejack replied. She could already see that Princess Celestia was right about this bunch. They really were too spoiled for their own good, so if the princess wanted to teach them a lesson, she’d be happy to help. “This here is the farmhouse. As you can see, it ain’t no fancy mansion like y’all were talking about.”
“You honestly expect us to sleep inside this… this hovel?” Blueblood said.
“Nuh uh. We’ve only got the one guest room, and it’s only right that the injured one sleeps there.” The wounded pegasus blanched at being singled out, but said nothing; not that it mattered, because Blueblood would have just shouted over her.
“Then where do you expect the rest of us to sleep?” he yelled.
“There,” Applejack said simply, pointing at the barn near the house. Two of the unicorns fainted, and even the earth ponies scowled at the thought. The pegasus stared at her hooves. “Don’t you worry none about room. We’ve got plenty of space in there for y’all, and we’ve got plenty of hay bales and extra sheets to sleep on. We even moved all the animals out to the fields.”
Blueblood stamped a hoof on the ground. “I refuse to accept this. My aunt Celestia promised me a place with adequate ventilation. I can smell that… that thing from here!”
“Huh. I guess that must be why the princess asked me to keep the barn doors open.”
As Blueblood stood in place with his jaw flapping noiselessly, Applejack spotted two of her family members coming out of the barn. The large red stallion cantered across the yard while the yellow filly galloped beside him, both coming to a stop next to her.
“Y’all, I’d like to introduce you to my family. This here is my brother, McIntosh, but everypony calls him Big Mac. The little one is my sister, Apple Bloom.”
“Howdy, y’all,” Apple Bloom said. “Applejack, we finished fixing up the barn, so can I go to Scootaloo’s house now?”
“Sure thing, sugarcube, but you be on your best behavior.”
“You got it, sis!”
As Apple Bloom galloped away, Applejack returned her attention to her guests. “You’ll be glad to hear that Apple Bloom is spending the next few days with a friend. Since they’re both fillies, they can share a room easy enough. That gives us an extra room to work with. It ain’t really proper to give anypony who ain’t injured special treatment, so I’ll be having y’all take turns sleeping in the extra room.
“Now then, Granny Smith has been working on some vittles to tide y’all over ‘til supper, seein' as you ain’t had nothing to eat all day.”
The promise of food instantly shattered their will to continue arguing. As she and Mac walked toward the house, the others fell in behind them with crestfallen, but famished faces.
“Soup’s on, young’uns!” the ancient dirt pony barked.
Of course, her idea of soup was nothing of the sort. Soup was meant to be liquid, not a fried hunk of bread, presumably wrapped around apples. It looked revolting. The ponies at the table who actually mattered—that is to say, the unicorns—all blanched at the sight of the ‘fritters’ she placed in front of them before hobbling away to join her family members on the other side of the room.
On the other hoof, it was food, no matter how dreadful it looked, and he didn’t seem likely to get anything better. After seeing one of the other unicorns chance a nibble, Blueblood magically lifted his own apple fritter and took a hesitant bite to quell the protests from his empty stomach. The taste was much like he expected: greasy, like common carnival fare.
Carnival fare… no. It couldn’t be. The taste was exactly the same as he remembered, and he was sure it would take just as many glasses of champagne to get rid of it. It was no wonder the orange mare with the hat looked familiar.
“You!” he screeched, pointing a shaky hoof at the devil who had just attempted to poison his royal palate for a second time.
“Come again?” she said. Her beady eyes narrowed and focused on him.
“You’re the one from the gala! The one selling the poisoned apples!”
The other ponies immediately stopped eating. A hunk of apple fell from the mouth of an earth pony, proving that even the ones from Canterlot carried uncouthness as a genetic trait.
“Now wait just a cotton-pickin’ minute! Y’all might not have liked my food, but calling it poison is just plain rude.”
While the mare and the crone she called Granny were only staring at the prince, her brother had stepped forward. He leaned in threateningly, but no dirt pony, no matter how large and powerful, could be allowed to intimidate royalty. No matter how easily those enormous hooves could drive his horn into his skull like a railroad spike…
“Calling that filth food is rude,” Blueblood said, keeping a wary eye on the red thug.
“I like it.”
All eyes turned to the pegasus, who had resumed eating. Noticing the silence, she paused again and looked up. “What? It tastes good.”
Her ridiculous logic seemed to be enough for the other hornless oafs at the table, who all dug into their snacks immediately. The unicorns, to their credit, at least waited to make sure none of their lessers keeled over before continuing to eat.
Blueblood’s refusal to follow their example lasted only as long as his stomach was quiet. Having been teased by the single bite he swallowed earlier, it betrayed him with a loud rumble. With a long sigh, he picked up the fritter again and started nibbling around the edges.
Oh well. What’s one more indignity?
“Come on out, little friend.”
The brown rabbit hopped out of the little cage and scampered off to the part of the yard where its fellow castle fauna had gathered. Ever since the first bird cage opened, Fluttershy’s new guests had been isolating themselves. To make matters worse, her own animals were being just as reluctant to approach their new housemates.
All the cages and crates had been opened now. Birds were perched in segregated trees, staring at their counterparts. Squirrels, rabbits, dogs and cats, wallabies, raccoons, and even the butterflies were keeping their distance. It was like watching two nervous, awkward armies facing off on a field of battle.
“Don’t you want to make some new friends?” she said as she took a few slow steps toward the newcomers. They responded by shuffling backwards.
Just what I was afraid of…
With her ears drooping and tail dragging on the ground, the pegasus turned around and began walking toward her old friends.
No! she thought suddenly. I’m not giving up. Even if they don’t like me, those animals need a place to stay and somepony to take care of them. Twilight trusted me with this, so I won’t let her down.
Rising back up to her usual posture of only slightly slouching, she turned around again to face the critters she knew were destined to be her friends by the end of the day.
“I know you all must be hungry after a long day of traveling. It’s time now for everyone to eat.” That got their attention. Almost all of them perked up at that announcement.
“How about we start with all the birdies. Wait right here while I get some nice seeds for you.” A chorus of beautiful chirrups was all the answer she needed to hear.
The fastest way to earn an animal’s trust is to feed it. This has to work. It just has to.
The shed with the food was locked, as usual, so it took her a few minutes to properly grip the key in her teeth and line it up to the padlock. Her own little friends knew to expect the delay, but the castle fauna wouldn’t, so she tried to hurry, which inevitably slowed her down. Some things just shouldn’t be rushed, and gripping a tiny metal key in your mouth while trying to line it up with an equally tiny hole was one of them.
When she finally came back with a bag of bird seed on her back, the situation seemed pretty much the same as before, but her own animals were much more defensively postured while the others seemed more confident.
She trotted past them, giving the newcomers a wide berth, before spreading some seed on a stump for the larger birds and adding food to the feeders hanging from the trees for the smaller ones.
None of the animals immediately moved for the food. Their eyes were all locked on one another, waiting to see what would happen, forcing Fluttershy to take the initiative again.
Looking to her own birds, she said, “Now let’s let the birdies from the castle eat first. They’ve had a very long day, and I’m sure they’re very hungry. There’s plenty of food for everyone.”
After a few awkward moments, a blue jay nervously flitted from the tree and landed on one of the feeders. When Fluttershy’s critters made no move, the rest of the castle birds slowly moved toward the food.
“You see? We’re all friends here, and we all respect one another. We’ll give you all the space you want while you eat,” Fluttershy said, confident that she had broken ground. With her step a little livelier, she went back into the house to get some greens, totally oblivious to the danger building behind her.
He knew that look. The yellow bird pony was sad, and he just couldn’t allow it to continue. The white rabbit she had dubbed Angel Bunny was apprehensive of such a large group of new creatures, of course, but the bird pony was too preoccupied to realize what the problem was.
One new animal at the cottage was fine. Two was acceptable. Three got a little iffy, but bringing in a bunch of them at once—especially ones that knew each other—was an invitation for trouble. They didn’t integrate. They didn’t want to make new friends because they didn’t need to. They already had plenty.
Still, someone needed to break the ice, and for the sake of his bird pony, Angel decided to be the one to do it. She had just left the scene, going to get the food she had promised the birds. That was good. She would only get in the way.
After taking a deep breath, he hopped forward. He moved slowly, but openly, not making any defensive moves. In the center of the space between the two groups, he came to a stop and sat down, waiting for the move to be answered.
Soon enough, the brown rabbit that had been in the last cage moved forward. It was a clever move. None of the others had been paying attention to her, so she probably wasn’t very popular where she came from. This bold action would elevate her to a position of respect, possibly even leadership.
As the brown rabbit came to a stop in front of him, Angel slowly stood up again and approached his fellow bunny. Neither made any aggressive moves as they closed the remaining distance until they were close enough to touch one another, both standing at their full two-legged height.
Then the brown one stomped on his foot.
Stunned by the attack, he lifted his throbbing foot and immediately lost his balance. He collapsed to the ground as the brown intruder smugly hopped back to her friends, all of whom looked at her with admiration as she stood amongst them. When they looked at him, their eyes held only mockery.
The white rabbit limped back to its friends, all of whom were now aware of the stakes. There could be no peace. The invaders had to be subjugated or driven out, and perhaps most importantly, the kind-hearted bird pony couldn’t find out about it.
‘Good food makes good moods,’ Applejack’s mother would say. While she was confident she could get along with the earth ponies staying on her farm and she particularly liked the pegasus, she also knew that Blueblood was going to be trouble. She had been prepared for it. What she hadn’t been prepared for was the other unicorns falling in line with him so readily. With any luck, a good home-cooked meal would win them over, and that called for the best apples.
By the time she reached her destination at the outskirts of the orchard, the sun was dipping low in its arc, casting an orange glow over the trees. An old wooden fence stood nearby, serving as their only protection from any dangerous monsters that might step out of the darkness of the Everfree Forest beyond. Behind her, three ponies came to a stop.
“Okay y’all,” she said to her volunteers, two of the earth ponies—a mare and a stallion—and the pegasus, who had introduced themselves as Touching Prose, Hammer Spark, and Cirrus Edge. “Here’s the plan. The apples out here are the biggest and sweetest we grow, but being so close to the forest, we gotta buck ‘em before it starts getting dark.
“Now since we’re short on time, I’ll be doing all the bucking. Your job is to get all the apples into the baskets once I knock ‘em down. Remember to keep your eyes on everypony else, and don’t wander off.”
Applejack turned her back to one of the trees and rooted her forelegs securely, ready to knock down the ripe fruit at any moment, but she hesitated. Cirrus noticed and asked, “Is something wrong?”
“Nothing to worry about, sugarcube. I just realized that I’ve never actually bucked these trees before. Big Mac always does it while I set the baskets and watch the forest.”
“So why didn’t you bring him along?”
“And leave that no-account prince without somepony to watch him? Nuh uh.”
“And why did you ask me to come?”
Applejack finally bucked the tree, sending a shower of apples tumbling onto the soft grass. The other three ponies started picking them up, grabbing the stems in their teeth, while she moved on to the next tree to get the rest of what Granny Smith needed for supper.
“I just reckoned that you wouldn’t want to be cooped up in there with all those fancy-schmancy snobs any more than you have to be. I know they’re giving you a hard time about that wing.”
“True enough. Still, I don’t think giving me special treatment just because I’m hurt is going to help. I should be sleeping in the barn with the rest of them.”
“No way, no how, and I ain’t hearing any more talk about it.”
* * * * *
As the group passed the point where the fence started moving away from the forest, Applejack let out a long sigh and allowed her muscles to relax. To their left, the orchard looked the same as it did from any direction, but the scenery on the right was filling up with green hills instead of dark woods.
The bushel she carried hardly weighed her down, but with her muscles so taut, it had been bouncing more than normal and was making her back sore. Bringing up the rear, Hammer Spark was perfectly at home with his burden. “Compared to the stuff I carry at work, this is a breeze,” he had said. Of course, she knew his back would be just as sore if he had ever seen the things that lived in that Princess-forsaken forest.
They hadn’t walked far from the forest when they heard shouting from the other side of a small hill. The sounds were indistinct, but they were clearly pony voices, and they sounded angry. “Y’all wait here”—Applejack put down her apple basket—“and I’ll be right back after I see what’s going on.”
After taking a few steps back to get a running start, she leapt over the fence and continued galloping toward the source of the noise. Beyond the rise, twelve unicorns were gathered around a fallen tree, levitating saws and slowly stripping the timber of its branches. Two of Princess Celestia’s royal guards stood nearby, stoically guarding several more trees that had already been stripped bare. As she approached the guards, the raised voices of a dozen angry ponies assaulted her ears.
“Watch it! You almost hit me with that thing.”
“Don’t turn it yet!”
“I’m already cutting that one!”
“How about we all stop yelling?”
“How about you not yell at us about the yelling?”
“Do I have leaves in my mane? Somepony, get them out before they leave a stain!”
“Excuse me,” Applejack said to the guards as she approached, “but what’s going on over here? Y’all are making a heck of a ruckus.”
“Sorry for the disturbance, ma’am,” one of the guards stiffly replied. “As soon as these ponies have finished gathering their materials, we’ll be heading back to town. It shouldn’t take much longer.”
“Well, it’s far enough from the house that nopony should hear it, so I guess it doesn’t really matter none, but I’m a mite curious. Why do they need so many trees?”
“They’re building a boutique for their boss,” the other guard said.
“A boutique, huh? I don’t reckon it’ll get much business. Don’t they know we already have one of them in Ponyville?”
“Yes ma’am, but they say Ms. Satin intends to put that other store out of business.”
Another hour together, another crusade, another pint of tree sap to wash out of their manes. Things were going as well as could be expected for the trio of precocious fillies collectively known as the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Their latest scheme had ended in failure, much the same as all their previous attempts to find their cutie marks.
“Hey, Scootaloo, is the bathtub in your house big enough for all three of us to wash off together?” Sweetie Belle asked, brushing a sticky lock of mulberry hair away from her eye.
“Yeah, if you consider the backyard to be a bathtub,” Scootaloo said, glancing back momentarily at the wagon she was pulling behind her scooter.
“What do you mean by that?” Apple Bloom asked, paying no mind to Sweetie’s sputtering as she pulled the offending lock free from her hoof with her teeth, only to find it stuck to her muzzle.
“My mom won’t let us in the house until we wash most of this off with the hose.”
“Oh yeah,” Sweetie Belle said. “I forgot that your mom’s such a neat fr—”
“What the hay is going on over there?” Apple Bloom interrupted.
The road ahead was completely blocked. Ponies were lined up from one side of the street to the other, offering no passage for the fillies. Scootaloo came to a halt at the back of the throng and dismounted along with her fellow crusaders.
“Excuse me,” Apple Bloom said, poking the leg of a light green mare, “but what’s going on over here?”
Lyra Heartstrings turned around to face them. “Hi, girls! The princesses are about to lower the sun and raise the moon, and they decided to let everypony in town watch.”
“Ooh! Can we watch too?” Sweetie asked while hopping in place, trying to catch a glimpse of the alicorns, but barely even reaching the height of Lyra’s flank.
“The crowd’s pretty thick, but I’ll do my best.” Lyra turned around and nudged the stallion ahead of her. “Hey, there’s some foals back here wanting to watch. Can you help get them to the front?”
The stallion obliged, as did the ponies ahead of him. Progress to the front was slow, but steady as ponies made way for them, being careful not to touch their sap-covered coats and manes. Finally, they emerged into the front row, occupied completely by fillies and colts, and sat down to wait for the show to start.
The doors to the town hall opened and four ponies stepped out. They immediately recognized the three princesses, but the fourth was an older brown stallion wearing a suit coat whom they had never seen. A notepad and quill hovered in front of him, suspended by Princess Luna’s magic rather than his own. As they came to a stop in the center of the square, surrounded on all sides, but given ample room to move, the quill began scratching across the paper.
“Citizens of Ponyville and Canterlot,” he yelled, “as we begin this first night together, may we all remember the spirit of harmony that binds us.”
Princess Celestia spoke next after the quill’s movement stopped and the stallion fell silent. “Just as the sun and moon work together to preserve the balance of nature, we shall all work together in the face of this adversity to create a brighter future.” Her voice was much louder than the other had been, despite her conversational tone.
The bringers of day and night stepped forward and stood side by side, facing in opposite directions. Their horns both ignited and the sun slipped beyond one horizon, immediately replaced by the moon on the other.
As the glow faded from their horns, the ponies applauded, shaking the square with the force of their stomping hooves. With their display completed, Princesses Celestia and Twilight Sparkle teleported away, leaving Princess Luna in the square with her assistant.
“Princess, should we not be leaving also?”
‘No,’ Luna wrote in response. ‘Our My work is not complete until the stars have been arranged.’
“Of course, your majesty. Please take as long as you need.”
‘I shall do so, with or without thy consent.’
“My apologies. I meant no offense.”
Of course he meant no offense, she thought. That is never their intent, but it never stops them from sticking their twice bedamned hooves in their mouths regardless.
The crowd was already dispersing as she began placing the brightest stars, which remained constant every night for the sake of navigation. Once that was finished, the rest of the sky was a blank canvas waiting to be filled, but she did not immediately begin. Instead, she looked again at the departing crowd. Most were already gone, and none were staying to watch her artistry.
Perhaps I should just leave the sky barren tonight. Nopony is likely to notice anyway. As soon as the thought ran through her mind, she shook her head to clear it out. She had been down that road before, and it only ended in tears, loneliness, and red-hot rainbows.
As she was bringing her head back up to the sky, she spotted several small shapes, still sitting and watching her from the shadowed area between two street lamps. One of them looked familiar, but she needed a closer look in better light to be sure. Luna raised her hoof and beckoned to the three foals.
As she thought, one of them was little Scootaloo. A small smile played across her lips as the pegasus filly bounded over to her energetically, although her friends were more hesitant.
“Hi, Princess Luna!”
As the notepad in her telekinetic field moved to respond, her assistant tried to move along with it. Where did Tia find this foalish butler anyway? He has no common sense at all, and his voice is much too soft to properly address our subjects. Truly, he is the worst possible choice to fill the role.
The quill scratched out her reply to the filly. ‘Hello, Scootaloo. It is a pleasure to finally meet you outside of your dreams.’
“Huh? Why are you writing instead of talking?”
For the ninety-seventh time that day since she started counting, she pointed a hoof to her throat.
“You mean you can’t speak?” the little white unicorn said. A nod was given in reply.
“That’s awful,” said the third one, an earth pony with a cute ribbon in her hair.
“Indeed it is, children,” the butler said, rudely injecting himself into the conversation, “but if you will excuse us, the princess still has a matter that requires her attention, so please return to your domiciles.”
“Our what?” the yellow filly with the bow asked.
“Your homes. Houses. Places of residence,” he explained. The glare he was unknowingly receiving from the princess intensified with every syllable.
Scootaloo frowned at him. “What are you, a dictionary?"
Luna clenched her jaw tightly to keep from laughing out loud, but as the brown unicorn stammered indignantly, a muffled snicker slipped through. When it seemed he had finally found words to reply, she put a hoof out in front of him to cut him off.
The quill sprang to life again. ‘How would you like to help me design tonight’s night sky?’
“Would we ever!”
“We’d love to!”
“And maybe we’ll get our cutie marks in sky designing!”
“Cutie Mark Crusaders sky designers! Yay! ” they shouted in unison.
As Luna’s windswept mane returned to its usual shape, she became dimly aware that her jaw was hanging open. The butler had been knocked off his hooves by the concussive force of their cheer. As he got back to his hooves, the princess closed her mouth and turned her lips up into a smile as an idea came to mind. The smile quickly became a grin as the idea gave way to a plan.
The quill ran across the paper once more, and one final note floated back to her assistant.
'Thy services will no longer be required.'
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There Goes the Neighborhood
That's Not a Cloud With a Silver Lining; It's a Flock of Incontinent Pigeons.
Chapter 3
That’s Not a Cloud With a Silver Lining. It’s a Flock of Incontinent Pigeons.
As the light from Twilight’s teleportation spell faded, the sights and sounds of the bustling town square had been replaced by the warm lighting and relative tranquility of the Golden Oak Library. “I’ll go let the guards know we’re here, so you just make yourself at home,” Twilight said as she trotted to the door.
Celestia nodded and looked around the room. On the other side of the main floor, a pile of cushions had been squeezed between two bookshelves. She levitated a few to the center of the room and settled down on a couple of them. A twinge shot through her hooves as her golden shoes pinched her fetlocks, so she pulled them off and set them on the table in the center of the room. She then levitated the golden torc from her frame and set it around the neck of the wooden bust in the center. After laying her her half-eaten crown in front of her shoes, she finally managed to fold her legs properly and settle onto the cushions.
The low vantage point offered a completely different view of the library than she had seen on her previous visits, when she was looking down at everypony and everything. For example, she had never spotted the excessively stylized depiction of her own cutie mark painted on the ceiling above the table.
They think your real mark isn’t good enough, a tiny voice in the back of her mind whispered. If her brain were a city, that part would be the place on the other side of the railroad tracks parents told their foals to avoid. It was where shady thoughts went when they were down on their luck, fell in with bad crowds, and made a career of robbing the local liquor and macramé store every Tuesday.
Her dark thoughts were dispelled when movement at the top of the stairs caught her eye. Spike glanced down and locked his surprised eyes with her own. After hardly a moment of staring, he sprinted down the stairs and skidded to a halt in front of her. Without making a sound, he glanced cautiously at the windows, then at the front door, and even up the stairs just to be absolutely certain. Finally, satisfied that no one was watching, he leapt upward and wrapped his arms around the neck of the mare who had raised him for the first few years of his life.
Celestia chuckled softly as she returned the hug, but it only lasted a moment before the door opened and Spike hastily freed himself from her grasp. Twilight walked back in and sat down on another cushion before breaking the pleasant silence.
“Spike, would you make us some tea, please?”
“Sure! Be right back.”
“Yes, Twilight?” With practiced ease, she reattached her mask, filtering out every trace of the turmoil roiling beneath it. Nothing but a flawless illusion of serenity and endless patience slipped out into the world.
“I was thinking that since there’s no paperwork for Luna to handle, we should invite her to join us at court tomorrow.”
“Actually, that was already my intention,” Celestia said, swearing inwardly as she accidentally let a wry smirk slip through her defenses. Of course, with that day being one of the worst of her long life, small mercies like Twilight overlooking it were completely off the table.
“Wait a minute. You’re not planning on playing some kind of prank on her, are you?”
With Twilight’s disapproving glare fixed on her, Celestia’s options were limited. After a small sigh, she opted to tell a half-truth.
“Twilight, you’ve undoubtedly noticed that my sister tends to be very loud. She doesn’t understand that the royal Canterlot voice is a relic of a bygone era. Even though you managed to convince her to speak normally in social situations or on a one-to-one basis, she still uses it when addressing large groups. I want to show her that it isn’t necessary to deafen everypony around her, and by having that stallion speak in her place, I’m hoping she’ll come to see that speaking conversationally is more effective.”
“I guess that makes sense,” Twilight said, oblivious to her mentor’s less-than-altruistic motive of personal amusement.
“Now then, we have a few hours of free time, barring any unexpected emergencies. I wonder if this library has any books I have yet to read.”
Twilight began a rambling monologue about the library’s selections, but Celestia tuned it out with practiced ease as she levitated a few books off the shelves to look for something of interest. Several passed in front of her with no reaction, but her somber expression immediately gave way to a grin as a particularly appropriate one caught her eye. Celestia held the book in front of her protégé’s muzzle, bringing an abrupt end to her tirade as she read the title.
Slumber 101
“Excellent work, ladies,” Rarity said brightly as she took in the sight of her rearranged inspiration room. The various fabrics and implements which were normally scattered around the room had been neatly packed into drawers and onto shelves. The dress forms were stacked in a corner to free up as much space as possible. In the middle of the room, six new sleeping bags were laid out, each one colored differently to reflect the coat of the pony who would soon occupy it and adorned with a new pillow that matched their mane.
Silver Thread was holding a silver pillow in her magic, admiring the way the fabric shimmered as it caught the light in ways her own mane required a hundred bits’ worth of hair care products to achieve. Her sister was likewise holding her own pale yellow pillow above her silver sleeping bag.
As she walked in a circle around the pair to inspect the work, Rarity stopped for a moment to stare at the twins’ complementary cutie marks. The yellow-coated mare’s was a spool of silver string with one end curling away freely. It would have looked complete on its own if her sister were not standing next to her. Silver Needle’s mark was of the same silver thread, curling across her flank and slipping through the eye of a needle. Being nearly the same color as her fur, the mark only showed clearly because it was outlined in yellow.
Cotton Weave stared thoughtfully at her plain-looking tan sleeping bag, which didn’t match well with her pink and sky blue pillow, though that had more to do with the pattern than the colors. Next to her, Chiffon had crawled into the peach-colored bag and was snuggling into her two-tone teal pillow.
Glitter Lace and Spindle stood apart from the rest of the group, eying the relative plainness of their bedding. Both had light brown coats and, therefore, brown sleeping bags. Glitter’s pillow was a darker brown, whereas Spindle’s was gray and made from a stronger fabric to protect it from her horn’s unusually sharp point.
“Well, ladies,” Rarity said after yawning softly, “it’s been a busy day, and I think we could all use our beauty sleep. I know the sleeping arrangements could be better, but I think this is a good start until we can move some actual beds in here.”
Her head instinctively swiveled to face Cotton Weave, expecting the talkative mare to be the first to respond. It was Chiffon, however, who replied most quickly from within her sleeping bag. Her voice was soft and breathy—much like Fluttershy’s, but with more confident articulation—as she said, “Miss Rarity, thank you so much for taking us all into your lovely home. I know we must be a huge imposition.”
“Nonsense, darling. Please, think nothing of it,” Rarity said as she looked down at the smallest mare of the group. “It really is no trouble at all, and I’m actually thinking of it as an opportunity.”
“How so?” Cotton asked.
“As you may have noticed, many of the ponies who arrived today are quite wealthy, and since they didn’t have time to pack, they won’t have anything to wear. For a fashion-conscious society pony, that simply will not do, and since this is the only boutique in Ponyville, they’ll be lining up outside the door. If we all work hard to keep the supply in line with demand, we should be raking in the bits all week!”
“I assume we’ll all be paid for our work,” Glitter Lace said, her eyes narrowed in suspicion and locked firmly onto her host.
“But of course. We’ll be splitting all the profits perfectly evenly, assuming everypony is interested in pitching in.”
Glitter nodded tersely, and her grimace returned to her default expression of indifference. The Silver twins also nodded. Cotton Weave’s grinning face bounced up and down at a speed that would give Pinkie Pie a run for her money. Chiffon hummed her affirmation, and Spindle replied with, “Sounds good.”
“Wonderful! Now, we’re going to have a big day tomorrow, so I think we should all get to bed.”
“But Mommy, I don’t wanna go to bed yet,” Glitter said, adding an eye roll to her sarcastic whining for good measure.
Rarity’s eyebrows twitched and her lips curled into a strained smile. “Well, I’m certainly not trying to force anypony to do anything. I, however, need my beauty sleep. Good night, ladies.”
She turned toward the door and had started to magically open it when Glitter spoke up again. “Great idea. You sure could use it.”
Rarity narrowed her eyes and took a deep breath as she spun around, but her angry tirade died before passing her lips as Glitter slumped over and fell onto her sleeping bag. Spindle loomed over the unconscious form, smirking as the gray glow faded from her horn.
“I guess she was more tired than she let on,” she said to her host with a wink.
“Er… right. Well, good night again, ladies. Breakfast will be at eight-thirty.”
“I hate to say this, Tank. I mean, I really hate to say this, but his house is pretty awesome.”
It was like having a huge Hearth’s Warming light next door. As soon as the sun set, Discord’s cotton candy mansion had begun to glow, casting a soft pink light over the entire area. The chocolate milk waterfalls glistened in the artificial light as though diamonds had been mixed into them.
“You know,” Rainbow Dash said to her pet tortoise as she stepped away from her kitchen window, “it may be flashy, but that’s still way too normal for Discord. He’s up to something.”
Tank stopped chewing on his piece of lettuce and looked up at her. “What? I’m serious. He’s never like this. That house should be exploding every few seconds or bouncing around and licking everypony.”
She turned back to the window. The slow crunching noises resumed a few seconds later.
“Wait a minute. Something’s happening,” Rainbow whispered after several minutes of staring in silence. Discord’s front door opened, and he stepped out onto the front porch. After doing a few simple stretches, he looked directly at Rainbow.
“Hey, neighbor! I’m going over to Fluttershy’s for a while. Would you mind watching the place while I’m gone?” He didn’t even wait for an answer before flying away, snaking through the air in the direction of Fluttershy’s cottage. Within seconds, he had disappeared into the night sky.
“Tank, I’m getting an awesome idea.”
The tortoise turned his attention away from his dessert of gardenia petals and blinked at her. In the two minutes that took, her plan had fully formed.
“Remember when I told you about Discord ripping pages out of Twilight’s books so she couldn’t use that reforming spell on him? I’m gonna pay him back for that by tearing out the ending of the one he’s reading.”
Tank stared directly into Rainbow’s eyes.
“Yeah, yeah, I know the book belongs to Princess Celestia, but I think she’d be on my side here. And it’s not like I’m gonna eat the pages. I’ll just hide them somewhere and have Twilight fix it later with her magic.”
Her pet’s attention returned to the small pile of flower petals.
“Yeah, I know. I’ll be careful. Wish me luck!”
A streak of rainbow colors lingered in the air between the two mansions for a moment, barely visible in the strong pink glow. Dash had flown directly into Discord’s bedroom, which was a mirror image of her own, except made from sticky fluorescent material. She hovered above the floor as she looked around for her target.
Princess Celestia’s advance copy of Daring Do and the Crimson Coffin was on the nightstand next to the bed. Rainbow picked the book up cautiously, avoiding contact with the cotton candy surface beneath it.
“Okay, this looks like the big fight scene,” she muttered to herself. “Now I need to find just the right spot to… Wait a minute. This can’t be right!”
Pages whipped past her face in a flurry, and she soon found herself at the midway point, where Discord had been when he spoiled the twist. The passage was easy to find, but the moment she finished reading it, the page stood up, folded itself into an origami tongue, and blew a raspberry at her. Rainbow’s lips quivered, and her brow furrowed above eyes that had narrowed to slits. With a grunt, she flung the book back toward the stand and flew out the window.
When Rainbow entered her own bedroom, her pet was already there, bouncing off the walls in ways that would make parents think twice before applying the phrase to their own kids. He landed as she slowly floated to the center of the room, her eyes downcast and ears drooping.
“You were right, Tank." She sighed as she hovered above her bed. “He got me again.”
The tortoise was unmoved.
“It turns out he was lying about Ahuizotl’s mother being in the coffin. It was really Daring’s long-lost grandfather.”
Dash folded her wings in and dropped onto the bed. Her legs were splayed, and her face was buried in the sheets, muffling her voice as she said, “He knew exactly what I was gonna do. He had the whole thing planned out, and I was stupid enough to fall for it!”
A hoof struck the bed, sending a puff of cloudy material into the air. Her head raised to look Tank in the eyes. “I’m not gonna take this lying down. First thing tomorrow, I’m going on the offensive. That freak’s gonna learn what happens when you prank the best prankster in Ponyville.”
“And that’s why I said it was a bad idea to use a sunbeam to roast them.”
Celestia gave a long sigh as Spike swept away the charred remnants of what had recently been a bag of marshmallows. The scorch mark on the wood was a more difficult matter to remove, but it was nothing a small throw rug—perhaps matching the one covering the burned spot left by Twilight’s ascension—couldn’t cover up.
Twilight should have trusted you, the unwelcome voice in the ghetto of her mind whispered. If she hadn’t planted a seed of doubt, that spell would have worked perfectly.
“Yes, Twilight. You were correct. Perhaps we should try something different now that s’mores are no longer an option.”
“I know just the thing, actually.” She lifted the book again and held it directly in front of Celestia’s face.
“A pillow fight? Do you have enough pillows for that?” The book lowered and Celestia said, “Oh,” as the sight of a grinning Twilight levitating more than a dozen pillows and cushions came into view. Spike was in the process of taking cover under a table when the attack began.
A loud knock rang through the cottage. Fluttershy stood up from her sofa and opened the door. “Discord, how wonderful to see you! Please come in.”
“Good evening, Fluttershy,” Discord said as he wriggled through the pony-sized doorway.
“Please make yourself comfortable while I get us some tea.” She trotted into the kitchen, stepping carefully past a group of squirrels, a beaver, two sparrows, and Angel Bunny, who was nursing a sore foot for some reason.
“I couldn’t help but notice that it’s more crowded in here than usual.” Discord's raised voice carried from the den.
“Yes, it is,” she yelled back, nearly reaching a normal conversational volume. “I’ll tell you about it in a minute.”
A few minutes later, the two were sipping their tea as Fluttershy finished relating the day’s events, minus the embarrassing bit with Freefeather. Discord was leaning back in the sofa while she sat on a cushion by a small table.
“Sounds like a lot of trouble,” said Discord.
“Well, I don’t think it will be easy"—Fluttershy dropped a sugar cube into her tea—"but once the animals start to trust each other, it shouldn’t be too bad.”
“Assuming they do, of course.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t worry. We’re making very good progress.”
“I’m glad to hear it.”
The two sat in silence for a few minutes. Fluttershy spent the time casually sipping her tea and giggling at the way Discord guzzled his, yet never seemed to run out of liquid in the cup. Behind her back, one of Fluttershy’s pets repeatedly flew through the door of its birdhouse, but found itself back on the outside every time.
“You do remember where the bathroom is, right?”
Discord chuckled and answered, “Not to worry. I can wait until I get home, and my new place has all the amenities you could ask for.”
“Where is that?”
“Right next to Rainbow Dash’s house.”
Fluttershy set her cup down and closed her eyes. After a couple of deep breaths, she opened them again and made eye contact. “Discord, what were you thinking? You know perfectly well that you and Rainbow don’t get along.”
“Oh, lighten up. I’m just having a bit of harmless fun with her. I’m not hurting anypony, and I really want to see if she’s as good a prankster as I’ve heard.”
“And what have you done to her?”
“Not much, really. I made a copy of her house, although more in line with my tastes, and put it next to hers.” Discord formed a miniature version of his new abode above his paw to show it off and then stuffed it into his mouth. While still chewing, he said, “Then I pretended to spoil the big twist in the new Daring Do book.”
Fluttershy leapt up onto her hooves. “That’s terrible!”
“Actually, I think it was pretty clever. I didn’t tell her what’s actually in the book, you see, so there’s no harm done.”
“I… suppose not,” said Fluttershy.
“Besides, I’m pretty sure she’ll try to get even with me by taking the book while I’m gone. She’ll spend all night reading it so she can spoil the ending for me.”
“And you’re just going to let her do it?”
“Of course not. I’ll just do something like make my ears disappear when she tries to tell me.”
“That would work, I suppose,” she said, giggling, “but are you sure that she’ll try to get even with you? She might just laugh the whole thing off when she sees that you didn’t really spoil it.”
“I thought about that… so I left a surprise for her in the middle of the book,” Discord said with a wry grin. When Fluttershy’s ears fell and her eyes began to narrow, he quickly added, “It’s nothing to worry about. Just another harmless little prank to get her into the spirit of the game.”
“I guess it’s okay as long as nopony really gets their feelings hurt. Just promise me one thing, Discord.”
“One thing in particular? Or does it count if I promise to eat my weight in chocolate sprinkles?”
Fluttershy leaned in close to Discord and gave him a concentrated dose of her innocent, doe-eyed expression while cradling his paw in her hooves. “I want you to promise that you won’t drag anypony else into it or do anything that’s really mean to Rainbow Dash.”
“Very well, Fluttershy. You have my word.”
‘Nay, children,’ the quill spelled out. ‘Thou is pronounced like how.’
“Thou?” said Sweetie Belle, correctly. Luna nodded.
“Okay. Let’s try it again, Crusaders,” Scootaloo said.
“How art thou this fine evening?” they yelled in unison. The trio of voices carried across the small lake in front of them and through the empty field beyond.
‘Excellent. Now we shall try a new one,’ Luna’s writing announced, followed by another sentence for them to say.
“Greetings to the fair villager,” the trio bellowed.
Luna shook her head at them as they turned to her, causing the smiles to fall from their faces. Once more holding the notepad in front of them, she wrote, ‘The word I wrote is thee, not the. It is another word meaning you, and it is pronounced with a long ‘e’, like tree or bee.’
“Wait a second,” Apple Bloom said. “You already said ‘thou’ means the the same thing as ‘you’. Why do you need so many ways to say the same thing?”
‘You need not concern yourself with that right now. All I require is that you be able to speak the words as I write them. Please try it again.’
“Greetings to thee, fair villager!”
‘Very good. For your reward, I will place a constellation in the sky depicting anything you like.’
The time for waiting was over.
After what seemed like an eternity of waiting, the demon had left, slithering through the air in a mad mockery of nature. The bird pony had immediately doused the lights and gone up to her nest, leaving Angel free to gather his team and plan the attack.
Outside the bird pony’s cave, the intruders had established a hive. The largest among them were arranged at the outside to prevent their weaker comrades from being picked off. Porcupines and raccoons paced around the perimeter for security, while several nightingales stood guard in the trees. An owl flew overhead in a circle, vigilant against any attempt to catch them off guard.
Angel described it to his fellow animals in the form of a diorama built entirely from fruits and vegetables taken from the bird pony’s supply. Of course, that meant they would have to be returned, so Angel stomped on a squirrel’s tail as it tried to swipe a snack.
Despite its protections, the enemy encampment still had several exploitable weaknesses. First, the owl on watch changed frequently. If they could replace it with one of their own owls, Angel’s team could negate the enemy’s surveillance advantage and claim it for their own.
The nightingales were a good choice to watch the trees. Their loud songs would awaken the enemy if they spotted Angel’s unit. However, if they could be surprised, they lacked the size and strength to fight back.
Unfortunately, while the raccoons could be subdued, the porcupines would be nearly impossible to restrain, so the element of surprise would not last long. Assuming everything went according to plan, they would only have a window of a few seconds to grab their primary target, the brown rabbit sleeping in the center.
That was not much of a problem, all things considered. The real issue was keeping the invading force from making enough noise to wake the bird pony.
“It would seem we are at an impasse,” Celestia said to the pony hiding within a fortress of carefully arranged bookshelves.
“Indeed we are,” Twilight replied. Her single cushion hovered rigidly in front of her as she poked her head out to assess the situation.
Celestia had stripped the books from all the shelves and piled them neatly in a semi-circle, completely concealing her from view. To attack her would be to attack the books, and even in war, some sacrifices were just too great. Besides, a direct attack would be suicide when the opponent had all but one of the pillows.
Celestia’s horn appeared from the side of the wall, slowly easing outward until her muzzle, and finally one of her eyes, became visible. As they made eye contact, she said, “I propose that we conclude this in the open, with only one pillow apiece. The first one to be hit will be the loser. Do you accept?”
“That’s fine,” Twilight said.
The two stepped out into the open and moved to the center of the room. The cushion Celestia chose was larger than Twilight’s, perfect for defense, but too floppy to be reliably swung or hurled.
“Interesting choice, Celestia.”
“I believe it suits my purposes nicely. I see you have chosen to use a more balanced weapon.”
“I didn’t have a choice. It was the only one I had,” Twilight said with a grin, erasing Celestia’s own smile.
“I was unaware the balance was tilted so far in my own favor. Had I known…”
“Yep, I’d have been helpless if you attacked. Shall we begin?”
“Yes,” Celestia replied. “The game is on.” She crouched slightly to conceal as much of her body as possible behind the cushion and adopted a defensive posture.
That cushion is way too large to beat it in close combat. I’ll have to attack from a distance, but that will leave me unarmed against her counter-attack. I’ll only get one shot at this. The forts are blocking my movement at the sides, but maybe if I—
Twilight’s tactical planning was interrupted by a soft thump as a small cushion bounced off the back of her head and rolled off her withers. Glancing back up, she saw that Celestia had lowered her cushion to the floor and was settling down on top of it, a toothy grin plastered across her muzzle.
“You said one cushion apiece,” said Twilight, scowling at her beaming mentor.
“And I only used one,” Spike said from behind her.
She tried to respond as the dragon calmly walked past her, but could only stammer and watch as he sat down next to Celestia.
“So, Twilight,” Celestia said with a palpable aura of smugness, “what shall we do next?”
As Carousel Boutique’s front door closed and Rarity breathed in the cool night air, the constant giggling from her inspiration room was finally muted, bringing a merciful end to its relentless assault on her ears. Sighing deeply, she looked up at her bedroom window. Her cat was still up there, staring at Rarity and pawing at the glass.
“I’m terribly sorry, Opal,” Rarity yelled, “but I need you to stand guard in there. I’ll make it up to you tomorrow.”
Her pace was leisurely as she walked toward the outskirts of the town, paying a brief glance to each of the various houses and shops along the way. Despite the late hour, quite a few homes still had lights on although the businesses had already shut down.
Her route carried her through Ponyville’s most affluent neighborhood, where only the wealthiest and most well-connected of refugees had been taken in. The home of Filthy Rich and his family was the largest in town, but he had only provided rooms for two of his personal friends, Jet Set and Upper Crust.
The streets soon gave way to open expanses of grass. The light of Princess Luna’s moon cast a soft glow across the ground, but the environment was dimmer than usual due to the relative lack of stars in the night sky.
The voices of a familiar trio of fillies carried across the field from a distant pond, shouting greetings to “fair villagers” for some reason or other. Their small figures were visible in the distance, accompanied by a much larger one with a mane flecked with twinkling lights.
Much closer, however, was the sound of construction. Over two dozen ponies were working together to build a new structure. Half of them were Ponyville natives, but the rest consisted of Canterlot ponies and a pair of royal guards. The operation was being overseen by none other than Silk Satin.
“… and hurry your lousy flanks up with the framing on the south wall,” she barked as Rarity approached. “And somepony go and drive those brats by the pond away! I can hardly hear myself think over the racket they’re making.”
“I don’t think that’s a terribly good idea, Ms. Satin,” Rarity said. “You see, Princess Luna is over there with them.”
The light gray unicorn turned her head to investigate the new voice and narrowed her eyes as she noted the identity of her visitor. Her face contorted into an expression that Rarity had last seen in her own reflection after stepping on a slug. “Oh, it’s you."
“I’m terribly sorry if I’m disturbing you. I was simply out for a stroll and happened across this little project. Might I ask what you’re building?”
“If you must know, it’s a boutique.”
“Ah. I suppose I should have gathered as much. When do you expect to have it open?”
“Work will begin tomorrow. I expect to be open for business the next day.”
“I see. Well then, if you need any help getting started, I would be happy to provide whatever supplies you need. At cost, I might add, and I don’t mind waiting until your store becomes profitable to be reimbursed.”
“Not necessary. Everything I need will arrive from my Cloudsdale branch in the morning.”
“That’s lovely to hear. I think I’ll be going now though, as it’s quite obvious that I’m in your way at the moment. I must say that it’s going to be interesting having some competition in town for a change.”
“That won’t be a concern to you for very long,” Satin said with a smirk.
“Really? Pardon me if this is out of line, but this seems to be a bit much for a temporary location.”
The building itself was more than twice the size of Carousel Boutique, its design squared and angular in comparison to the circular motif of Rarity’s shop. The site was aglow with more than a dozen magical auras, each handling a different aspect of the construction, all with expert precision.
“Darling, whoever said anything about it being temporary?” Silk Satin said, her smirk spreading into a mirthless grin. “Your shop is the one that will be going out of business.”
Rarity narrowed her eyes and matched the glare from her new rival. “Ms. Satin, I had hoped that your attitude was simply the product of stress, but I’m starting to think you have some kind of grudge against me.”
“My dear, whatever would make you think such a thing?”
Silence fell over the entire construction site. The glow of magic faded as the unicorns joined the earth ponies in staring at the stand-off between the two fashionistas.
“Very well then, Silk Satin. If it’s a war you want, that’s exactly what you’ll get.”
“Don’t make me laugh. This won’t be a war. It’ll be a slaughter. I have a whole staff at my disposal.”
“Perhaps you haven’t heard, but I have quite a few seamstresses staying with me now.”
Satin laughed in her face. “Do you know what your little rabble has in common? I fired them all. Every one of my workers is worth ten of yours, and I have twice as many. You and your pack of rejects will be out on the streets in no time.”
“We’ll see about that soon enough. I’ll leave you alone for tonight so you can finish building your shop. Once the sun rises, though… It—” Rarity said.
“Is—” Silk Satin continued, pressing her muzzle close enough to Rarity’s for their breath to reach one another’s nostrils.
“On!” they finished in unison.
Pinkie Pie trudged into her bedroom. Her mane hung limp and lifeless as cruel words rang in her ears.
“Pinkie, you’re just getting in everypony’s way,” Mrs. Cake had said.
“Take those streamers down! We’re not having any parties here until everything is back to normal,” Mr. Cake had said.
The three bakers from Canterlot—who would all be sleeping downstairs—had not argued at all. It was as if they didn’t even want a party, though maybe they really just didn’t want to argue.
She sat down at the end of her bed and idly ran a hoof around one of the balloons engraved there. After tracing the entire outline of her cutie mark, she sighed deeply and sank to the floor. She turned her head toward the alligator in the corner and said, “Do you have any ideas?”
Gummy blinked at her.
“Yeah, I didn’t think so.”
As she turned away from her pet, Pinkie spotted a dark lump underneath the bed. She reached under and grabbed it, her hoof clacking against its surface, and pulled the bag of rocks into the open.
She studied the stones carefully for a moment before standing up and pulling a stool from her closet. With great care, she stacked the rocks atop the stool before sitting in front of it.
“Hi, Rocky. It’s been a long time."
“Yeah, Pinkie, it has been,” she replied to herself, speaking in a deeper voice with a Manehattan accent. “So, did you finally give up on your loser pony friends and decide to hang out with me?”
Pinkie shook her head. “Sorry, Rocky, but I still love my friends more than anything. They’re not the problem.”
“So why are you talking to me instead of one of them?”
“Well, they’re all busy with important stuff, so I shouldn’t bother them.”
Rocky would have shrugged if he were not a pile of rocks. “Okay, that’s fair. What can I do for you?”
“Oh, Rocky, I just don’t know what to do. Everypony in town is in such a bad mood, and I can’t do anything to help.”
“Have you tried throwing a huge party?”
“Of course I did, but nopony seems to want one.”
In Pinkie’s imagination, Rocky rubbed one of his appendage rocks against his chin rock. “So let me get this straight. The ponies need a party, and you want to throw a party for ‘em, but they don’t want a party?”
Pinkie nodded at the pile of rocks.
“Seems pretty simple to me, Pinkie. If they don’t want you to cheer ‘em up, you need to make ‘em want it.”
For the first time in hours, she smiled. “You’re right, Rocky. The ponies are miserable, but they’re just not miserable enough.”
“Hey, wait a minute. That ain’t what I—” She stopped speaking in Rocky’s voice as she kicked the stool over.
“Thanks, Rocky. I know just what to do now.”
The giggling in the inspiration room stopped as the door slammed open. The five conscious seamstresses turned to stare at their host in the doorway as Glitter Lace stirred in her sleeping bag.
“Were we making too much noise? We’re so sorry, Miss Rarity. We really didn’t mean to. I promise we’ll—”
“Stop,” Rarity said sharply, bringing Cotton Weave’s rambling apology to a close. “Glitter, wake up!”
“What the hay is your problem, Miss Priss?” Glitter groaned. “Can’t you see ponies are trying to sleep in here?”
“Actually, you’re the only one sleeping,” Silver Needle said.
“What? Why would I be the only one sleeping?” Glitter asked through a yawn. “Wait a minute. Spindle!”
Spindle grinned sheepishly at her. “Sorry, GL. You didn’t give me much choice.”
“Enough of that,” Rarity interrupted. “This is important.”
As soon as all six mares were sitting and giving her their full attention, she continued. “I just had a conversation with our shared acquaintance, Silk Satin.”
“Uh oh,” the Silver sisters said.
“‘Uh oh’ indeed. I understand she’s not too fond of any of us, and I want to know why.”
“Ooh! Ooh! I know!” The twins and Spindle lunged at Cotton in a desperate attempt to stop the impending noise pollution before it could start, but she bounced out of the way. “You see, it all started a couple of years ago when Spindle and me were working in her shop, and let me tell you, that place was swanky, and when I say swanky, I really mean snooty, but Silky was nice back then, and then something happened, but nopony knows what made her turn all bit—”
Four of the others finally managed to restrain her and clamp their hooves over her muzzle.
“Yeah, that mostly covers it,” said Glitter, flopping back onto her bedding while the others subdued Cotton. “I never knew her before she turned into a crabapple, though. Would you believe she actually fired me over one slightly crooked hem?”
“It does seem a bit rash,” Rarity said.
“And girl, does she ever have it out for you. This one time, I saw her fire somepony for bringing in a magazine with your name on the cover. I know I have a pretty bad temper, but even I’ve never had a meltdown like that.”
“And do any of you know why she hates me so much?”
“Nope,” Spindle said while disentangling herself from Cotton Weave’s limp legs. While Rarity’s attention was focused on Glitter Lace, Cotton had fallen into a deep sleep and was already snoring softly. “All we know is that whatever happened between the two of you changed her. She turned mean and bitter, and we got fired before long just because Cotton talked too much, and I tried to stick up for her.”
Rarity rubbed her chin with a hoof and hummed thoughtfully. “I see. I wish I knew what I could have done to offend her, but I’ve never met her before today. Still, none of that really matters now.”
“Is she leaving?” Silver Needle asked.
“Actually, she intends to stay… and drive me out of business.”
Chiffon gasped as the others scowled or shook their heads. Glitter clenched her teeth together so hard that Rarity's own teeth were wracked by sympathy pains.
“Ladies, we have no choice in the matter. I suggest you get some sleep now, because in the morning, we’re going to war.”
“I can’t believe we didn’t get our cutie marks for designing those constellations,” Scootaloo said.
“Yeah, I thought you’d definitely get yours for that awesome parasprite you made," Sweetie said.
“That wasn’t a parasprite! That was Rainbow Dash’s cutie mark!”
Apple Bloom cocked her head. “Was it? I thought it was a penguin."
“And what was yours supposed to be, huh?" Scootaloo asked. "Let me guess. An apple?”
“Or maybe an apple tree?” Sweetie Belle chimed in.
“Of course not. Can’t y’all recognize a dog when you see one? It was Winona.”
Scootaloo let out a long sigh as the trio continued down Ponyville’s darkened streets, followed closely by Princess Luna. “I guess none of us are gonna get our cutie marks for designing constellations after all. Especially Sweetie Belle. Did you see what hers looked like?”
“Yeah, it reminded me of Diamond Tiara’s cutie mark.”
“No kidding. If she sees it, she’ll think Princess Luna likes her or something. We’ll never hear the end of it.”
“Thanks a lot for that, Sweetie.”
“Um… girls,” Sweetie said softly as she stared intently at her hooves. “It was supposed to look like that.”
The other crusaders stopped and turned to face their friend, but with her head lowered, Sweetie Belle failed to see it in time, and the three fillies fell down in a heap.
Pulling herself free of the tangle of limbs, Scootaloo said, “What in Tartarus were you thinking? Are you trying to make things harder for us?”
“It’s your fault, Scoots! You’re the one who took my paper and gave it to Princess Luna before I could put a line through it.”
The entire group fell silent as a song reached their ears, coming from the front of the building they were walking beside.
The three fillies poked their heads around the corner and saw four ponies singing in front of the barber shop. The two with the off-yellow coats were immediately recognizable as Flim and Flam. The other two unicorns did not have the same colors—one was gray with a sandy blonde mane and tail, while the other was blue-coated and adorned by purple—but they all wore similar striped vests and boater hats.
Flim had the lead part of the peppy song as the chorus began. “There’ll be a day,” he sang.
The other three followed with, “when the night is falling.”
“Naughty little foals,” Flim continued.
“She will come a’calling,” the rest of the quartet answered.
“You can run and hide!”
“But there’s no use in stalling.”
“You’ll be gobbled up,” Flim, Flam, and their blue companion sang in unison.
The gray one finished the chorus in a rumbling bass, “When old Nightmare Moon comes down.”
Flim looked their way and grinned as he took a breath to start the next verse, but his face fell as Luna emerged behind them. Instead of lyrics, only a combination of huhs, buhs, muhs, and guhs escaped his lips.
He whipped his head toward his fellow singers only to find them already bowing deeply, but though his knees quivered, he remained standing, eyes wide with panic. Flam helped him in the traditional way one brother aids another in such circumstances.
He kicked Flim’s legs out from under him.
The four prone ponies only lifted their heads to look at her when they heard the clink of a bit falling into their tip jar. The princess and her entourage were already walking away, but they could all hear it when the bass singer said, “I think we should skip that song from now on.”
* * * * *
“Scootaloo! Where have you been, young filly? Do you have any idea how worried I’ve been?”
“Jeez, mom, calm down,” said Scootaloo, her mother looming over her. “We’re fine. We’ve been with Princess Luna.”
“As if I’ll believe that nonsense. I’m sure a princess has better things to do than foalsit you three. Isn’t that right, Princess Luna?” A moment passed in silence before Scootaloo’s mother did a double take at the pony in her doorway.
It was well-known that Equestrians loved their royalty. Regardless of whether it is the dignified majesty of Celestia, the down-to-earth personalities of Cadance and Twilight Sparkle, or even the foreboding presence of the former Nightmare Moon, only the utmost respect was paid to alicorns in any circumstance.
Thus when Scootaloo’s mother fainted, she instinctively fell into a deep bow.
Twilight turned from her desk when she heard the door open and saw Luna standing next to the entrance, staring at the clusters of haphazardly piled books.
Most ponies would probably think that Celestia was the neater and more organized of the two royal sisters, but Twilight had learned the truth over the past weeks. She was an absolute slob.
Luna, on the other hoof, was the model of organization, which was why she tended to focus on the bureaucratic side of governance and rarely appeared in court. Therefore, it was no surprise that she was wearing a scowl from the moment she saw the library in disarray.
“Welcome back, Luna. Sorry about the mess. I’ve cleaned up a lot of it, but the reshelving will take a while.”
One conjured quill and notepad later, two-way conversation had been established.
‘Pray tell, Twilight Sparkle, what could you and my sister have done to create such havoc?’ Luna wrote.
“Nothing much,” said Twilight, shaking her head. “It was just… well… a pillow fight.”
One of Luna’s eyebrows raised, and her head cocked slightly to the side. The quill scratched across the paper again. ‘She used the books as a shield, I presume.’
“Well… yes, she did, but how did you know that?”
‘I know the way Celestia thinks. Such tactics are common for her.’
“I’m guessing there’s a story there.”
‘Perhaps another time. I plan to attend court on the morrow, so I must rest before lowering the moon. Please excuse me, and try not to stay up too late. It would be preferable for all three princesses to arrive together.’
“Right. I’ll get to sleep soon. Good night.”
Luna nodded and trotted up the stairs—where she was certain to find the agonizingly cute sight of Spike curled up under Celestia’s wing—leaving Twilight free to return her attention to the object on her desk. It had been on her mind all day, so when she spotted the book amidst a pile she was preparing to reshelve, she couldn’t resist pulling it aside.
On the cover, faded letters spelled out Cautionary Tales of Magical Misuse by Muddy Stick .
Long ago, in the early days of the princesses’ rule, there lived a Unicorn named Unity Spark. Her home was in Croupton, a village upon a hill, from which the castle of the royal sisters could be seen.
Unity Spark had invented many spells which allowed each of the pony races to enjoy the advantages of the others for a short time. By her magic, Unicorns and earth ponies could be given temporary wings. Also by her magic, earth ponies and pegasi could be given the ability to lift objects without using their hooves. Lastly, her magic allowed Unicorns and pegasi to work the fields alongside their earth pony cousins without becoming exhausted.
With her spells, the villagers of Croupton prospered beyond the dreams of their forefathers. However, Unity Spark never felt properly recognized for her genius, for as great as her accomplishments were, she was a mere Unicorn living in the shadow of the princesses.
Jealousy crept into Unity Spark’s heart. Her yearning for glory turned her benevolent rulers into objects of scorn. The villagers she once served with pride had become a shackle, binding her to a land she desperately wanted to leave.
While she continued to provide her boons to her fellow villagers, she became distant and reclusive. In secret, she crafted new spells and rituals to allow her to claim what she desired.
After many years of work, Unity Spark’s efforts bore fruit. Her ritual successfully gave her the abilities of all the pony races at once. Magnificent wings with clear, colorful feathers adorned her sides, and her horn doubled in length. She stood tall, a full head above the other villagers.
She had often flown with the wings she wove from gossamer and morning dew, so it was with practiced ease that she glided toward the castle town. The ponies there greeted her with cheers, heralding the arrival of a new princess.
Soon, the rulers of the day and night left their castle to greet her.
“Fellow alicorn,” quoth the elder, “we are honored by thy presence.”
“Indeed,” quoth the younger. “Thy magnificence is beyond dispute, but tell us how thou came to possess such lovely feathers which remind us of a butterfly’s wings.”
Unity Spark lied for the first time. “Fair princess of the night, these have been mine since the day of my birth.”
“And what of thy grand stature?” asked the elder.
For the second time, Unity Spark lied. “Fair princess of the day, it has also been mine since the day of my birth.”
“The length of thy horn is most impressive,” said the younger. “Hath it always been so?”
Unity Spark lied again. “Yes, great princess.”
The elder sister spoke once more. “Then thou claimest to be a true alicorn, born to the same glory as we?”
“Yes,” answered Unity Spark.
“That is strange, for we were certain that thou were the gifted Unicorn from the village atop the hill,” said the elder.
“‘Tis true what our sister sayeth,” said the younger. “Long have we known of the greatness of the Unicorn known as Unity Spark, and long have we spoken kindly of her talents to those who have asked. Tell us, what is thy name?”
Unity Spark began to weep and flew away without answering, never to be seen again, for in her desire to be acknowledged, she had denied everything for which she had a right to be acknowledged.
Young Unicorn, remember the tale of Unity Spark, and know that when you pretend to be something you are not, you may lose all that you are.
Twilight Sparkle’s eyes passed over the story’s moral for the third time, and twin droplets fell onto the page as its relevance to her situation hit home. She closed the book and, using her magic, placed it carefully under a wing and trudged up the stairs to the crowded bedroom.
Angel’s view of the action overhead was momentarily disrupted as his over-sized green helmet slipped downward, pushing his binoculars below his eyes and smearing the green and brown paint under his eyes. In the moments it took to straighten everything, his owl had already taken the place of the enemy. Two more owls were flying away from the scene, carrying a squirming sack in their talons.
He gave a small wave to signal the next attack group. Upon his cue, squirrels leapt down upon the nightingales and clamped their beaks shut. Within seconds, they were all bound securely and tied to their branches, having not uttered a single peep.
The first two phases had been a complete success. The enemy surveillance was completely neutralized. The only obstacles remaining in his path were the patrols around the hive’s perimeter.
Signals from the owl in the sky and the squirrels in the trees revealed that some of the patrols were weaker than others. The areas with the most difficult approaches were guarded by the smallest raccoons and porcupines. Fortunately, they were on Angel’s turf, and he knew every inch of it.
The minutes it took to position his forces were tense, as all the animals wondered whether they would be detected. Being spotted before they had finished their movements would have been disastrous. However, everything continued to go according to plan.
With a deep breath and a smile so smug that even his whiskers curled upward, Angel ordered the attack. All at once, hundreds of paws—as well as talons, feet, and other assorted appendages—emerged from cover and thundered toward the invaders’ encampment. The horde knocked the sentries aside as they pressed toward the center
Then the trap sprung. The ground beneath half of Angel’s fighters burst upward, flinging them into the trees. The enemy wallabies popped out of the hidden holes after kicking their coverings and joined the fight.
Angel waved frantically at the owl to signal a full retreat, but it was too late even for that. Something collided with his side, knocking him to the ground. As he tried to get back up, a pair of feet held him down.
The brown rabbit stood triumphant atop his stomach. Two stomps left him gasping for air as she revealed the secret of her victory to him. Several lizards surrounded them, all colored the same brown as the bark of the surrounding trees. The second group of spotters had been completely undetected.
He tried once again to move, but a light hop knocked the remaining breath out of him. Wearing the same smug smile he had worn when ordering the attack, the female hare punched him in the nose.
Then she took a step backwards to aim for something a bit lower.
Prince Blueblood awoke for the third time as hay went into his nose.
“This is intolerable!” he screamed, waking all the other ponies in the barn.
“My lord? What has happened?” the gray unicorn asked.
“What is wrong is that I cannot sleep on this accursed pile of refuse!”
“In that case, would you like to sleep over here?”
“No, you buffoon. Nothing in here is fit to sleep upon,” Blueblood huffed.
“Sire, perhaps you would like to take our blankets as well?” one of the servant mares said.
“Yes, that might help.”
As the other seven ponies added their bedding to his own, Blueblood stepped out through the open door and into the moonlight. The farmhouse was completely quiet, and all the lights had been extinguished. Through its windows, he knew the three dirt ponies, the useless featherbrain, and one of the unicorn servants were sleeping peacefully.
Nothing else could be seen except apple trees in the distance and the occasional shed. Wherever Ponyville was in relation to him, it was far enough to not be seen or heard. The beginnings of a smile traced across his face as he turned around to go back inside.
“Attention, everypony,” he said. Once he was certain he had the complete attention of the entire room, he continued, “It has occurred to me that this farm is entirely isolated from the rest of the town. That means no help will be coming for anypony.”
He paused for effect, and one of the dirt ponies predictably questioned him. “My lord,” she said, “please pardon my impertinence, but I thought we weren’t expecting anyone to come here for us anyway.”
“Quite correct. The help I speak of is not for us. Rather, it is for the farmers who have imprisoned us in this filthy heap.”
“Sire, am I understanding this correctly?” the gray stallion asked. “Do you truly intend to…?”
“Yes,” Blueblood said as his smile came into full bloom. “Very soon, this wretched farm will be under my control.”
There Goes the Neighborhood
Interlude: The First Night
Interlude
The First Night
The last light in the Golden Oak Library finally went out. Aside from a gaudy pink glow in the distance, the only remaining sources of illumination in Ponyville were the street lamps and the crescent moon overhead.
That’s not to say all the ponies were asleep. Eight of them were wide awake. They stood upon a ring of clouds, hanging above the library like a halo. In the middle of the circle, narrow beams of carefully shaped cumulus criss-crossed through the open air like the spokes of a wagon wheel, converging onto a small center platform, raised slightly above the others. A careful observer might note the word ‘champion’ meticulously carved into its surface.
The current champion, standing tall atop his prize, was vice-captain Storm Seeker, second-in-command of Princess Twilight Sparkle’s royal guard. The other seven stood at attention in a semicircle along the half of the ring he was facing.
“Looks like it’s clear,” he said, using just enough volume for his voice to carry to his colleagues without disturbing the ponies sleeping below. “Let’s get started. Your first challenge will be one-hoofed stance, wings flared, snarling. Begin.”
Some of the guards took their stances more quickly than others, and he carefully noted who they were since part of their grade came from speed. The youngest pony in the group had been the first to get into position, so Storm Seeker evaluated him first. “Very nice. Good balance. I like the way you curved your wings and pointed with the tips. With the right shadows, it almost looks like bat wings.”
Moving on to the next, he opened his mouth to speak when the guard fell from his stance and landed on all four hooves. “I was going to say your leg looked a little shaky, but it’s a moot point now. No score for you.”
One by one, he continued down the line, commenting on each pony and using a wingtip to scratch the number of points they scored into a tuft of cloud.
“I said to snarl, not look like a brain-damaged dog with heatstroke.”
“You lose some points for standing on two hooves. Aside from that, not bad.”
“You’re supposed to look like a gargoyle, not a constipated ballerina.”
“Good, but you’re moving your wings to stay balanced. That’ll cost you.”
“Sweet Celestia’s shiny shoes! That’s just obscene!”
Storm Seeker quickly clamped a hoof over his muzzle and looked down from the cloud. When he didn’t see signs of anypony being disturbed by his excessive volume, he let out the breath he had been holding and looked back up to his subordinates. Most of them were snickering, but the rookie had wedged a large tuft of cloud into his mouth to mute his laughter and the pervert still had his head completely buried inside the ring.
Storm coughed pointedly to bring the troops to order, and all but the pervert snapped to attention. The guard standing next to him lashed out with a swift kick to his flank, knocking him free of the cloud.
“Okay, here’s the breakdown. I’m giving the kid a full ten points. Five points for you and you,” he said as he pointed, first to the pony who had stood on two hooves, then to the one who had moved his wings. His gaze hardened as he looked to the last guard in the line. “And you lose five points, you sick bastard.”
“Now, for round two, I have something a little different in mind.”
“Mind if we join you?” an unfamiliar voice asked. The eight guards looked into the sky for the source of the voice and found three silhouettes descending. The glint of silver armor in the moonlight and the rustling sound of leathery wings left no doubt about their identity.
The bat-ponies landed smoothly on the ring, joining the line beside the kid.
“Told you they could stand on clouds,” one of the pegasi said in a loud whisper. It was immediately followed by a less audible series of grumbles and the clinking of ten bits changing hooves.
“Where did you guys come from?” Storm asked.
“We just got back from Fillydelphia with news for the princesses.”
“And you decided to stop and play games with us instead of delivering your news?”
“I thought sentries were supposed to be observant,” one of the other bat-ponies taunted. “We already dropped the report off with the guards at the door. Ever since then, we’ve been watching you from above.”
“It’s been at least ten minutes,” the leader said. “If you can’t even spot us, how will you see a threat to the princesses?”
“You’ve obviously never worked the graveyard shift in Ponyville,” Storm Seeker said. “Nothing ever happens.”
“That’s all well and good, but I think it would work out better for all of us if we joined in on the game instead of going down there and hanging out with those stuffy Canterlot guards. Something tells me they wouldn’t approve of your little game, and if they hear about it, the princesses will too.”
“Fine! Whatever! If you want to join in, you can.”
“Great! I’m Night Shadow, by the way.” The announcement of his name was punctuated by a round of snickers from the pegasi. He paused to glare at them, and when he resumed, his smug expression had fully morphed into a scowl. “And these are my subordinates, Darkness Whisper and Ebony Midnight.”
A vein bulged above Night Shadow’s twitching eye. With every giggle, snicker, or chuckle, his teeth ground together until, finally, his patience broke and he screamed, “What in Tartarus is so funny?”
The laughter vanished instantly and all the pegasi looked down over the edge of the ring.
“What were you thinking?” Storm hissed. “Don’t you realize there are three princesses trying to sleep right below us? Keep your voice down or our captain will have all our heads!”
“Right. Sorry. Seriously though, what’s so funny about our names?”
“Nothing. Really. It’s just that you reminded us of an old comrade.” Storm smirked mischievously at the bat ponies. “Ever heard of Dark Blackness?”
“Of course we have,” Night Shadow replied, missing the sarcasm completely. “He’s our commander.”
Tears ran down the scrunched-up faces of half the trembling pegasi as they bit down on their lips. To their credit, none of them allowed a single laugh to escape.
After a long moment, Storm managed to compose himself and picked the conversation back up. “Anyway, it’s a pleasure to meet you fellows. I’m Storm Seeker, and these are my stallions. From left to right, they’re the kid, the bumbler, the goofball, the hotshot, the ballerina, the runt, and the disgusting bastard.”
The sicko was still standing upright like a victorious prize fighter when the vice-captain called for order.
“Alright, troops. We’ve got some new players, so you’re gonna be fighting harder than ever for points. They’re new, so you might have an edge for now, but don’t expect it to last. We need an easy one to get the newbies up to speed, so round two will be freestyle. Any pose you like is allowed, just as long as it’s scary and you can hold it.”
Storm turned his back to the ten contestants and waited for about a minute before turning around again. He started his judging on his right side, saving the bat-ponies on the opposite side for last.
The disgusting bastard lived up to his nickname once again, striking a pose that prominently displayed certain things which were normally covered by his tail. The runt, ballerina, and hotshot all opted for simplistic poses that could be easily held, but looked more like angry pegasi than demonic creatures. The goofball marked a return to form, however. The moment Storm stepped in front of him, he belched in his superior’s face, then fell over and rolled back and forth on the cloud, trying in vain to stifle his fits of laughter.
The bumbler managed a surprisingly effective pose, having stood up on his hind legs, forelegs held out threateningly, and put on a face that showed only the faintest traces of sun-baked canine. Beside him, the kid had gone all-out again in search of his first victory. Like the bumbler, he stood on his hind legs, but his wings were positioned strategically to shield his face from most of the moonlight, giving the pose a much more mysterious vibe.
Storm proceeded along the ring to the next participant, but stopped when he realized he had just passed by something in what should have been empty space. He turned around and was greeted by the sight of a snarling, frothy maw.
The bat-pony had moved out of place to surprise him, and it was certainly effective. The pose was flawless, as well. Storm stumbled back a few paces to get away from the terrifying visage and bumped into something metallic. He spun around, only to find himself facing another one, even creepier than the last. Then he backed up into the third one, Night Shadow, whose wings were curled forward to give the impression of reaching for him.
Storm Seeker shrieked and fell backwards off the ring, but managed to recover just in time to avoid crashing into the boughs of the tree. He returned to the ring to find Princess Luna’s guards standing in a group, smirking at him, and his own unit breathing a sigh of relief.
“So,” Night Shadow said, “shall we begin round three?”
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There Goes the Neighborhood
Looking On the Bright Side Only Gets You Sunburned
Chapter 4
Looking On the Bright Side Only Gets You Sunburned
Unlike Twilight, Celestia never set an alarm clock. For centuries, she had awoken at exactly the right time to prepare for the dawn. It was as instinctive to her as breathing. Her internal clock was flawless.
Unfortunately, that clock didn’t make the trip to Ponyville with her. Instead, it was Twilight’s alarm clock that woke her up.
The sudden ringing noise snapped her out of dreamland and brought her consciousness crashing back into the bedroom on the top floor of the Golden Oak Library. Having never used an alarm clock before, the experience was unfamiliar to her, so she took the only rational course of action.
She vaporized it.
Twilight moaned from beneath her sheets and reached out at the bedside table with a hoof, but touched only air where the alarm clock should have been. As Celestia stood up, Twilight was in the process of curling up and going back to sleep.
Another mumbling voice called her attention back to the bed—kindly donated by one of the local shops—she had been sleeping on. Luna was sprawled out across the other half of it. A note was attached to the headboard above her. Celestia plucked it loose and pulled it in close to her bleary eyes to read it.
Sister,
I will be attending court, so I have gone to bed early. Lower the moon for me. Thanks!
Luna
Celestia sighed and left the bedroom. Her grogginess made the stairs a challenge, but she took her time going down them and soon found the kitchen.
“Now where’s the coffee,” she said quietly as her magic opened up all the cabinets at once. Various products levitated off the shelves and passed in front of her in a parade of questionable nutrition.
“Alfalfa jerky, hay chips, chocolate-coated salt nuggets… good heavens.”
Her unhealthy snack choices notwithstanding, Twilight did have quite a few proper dietary options as well. Thoughts of breakfast would have to wait until after the sunrise, however. The most important thing at the moment was coffee, so Celestia breathed a deep sigh of relief when a white bag labeled ‘coffee beans’ floated into sight.
That just left one little problem.
“Now how do I turn this into a drink?” Celestia asked no one in particular as she pulled a bean from the bag. While she contemplated the shape and smell of the bean, her magic reached out to a mug in one of the cabinets and brought it over to the sink. It clanked loudly against the metal surface when she misjudged the distance through her bleary eyes, but was soon positioned under the tap. Once it had been filled with water, she dropped the bean into it.
“So it’s not water soluble,” she said after watching it for a minute. “Oh, of course. Coffee is served hot. That must be how the bean dissolves.”
A small spray of solar magic brought the water to an instant boil, but even then, the bean refused to transform into liquid.
Celestia’s right eye twitched and her nostrils flared as she stared at the mug. “Fine, then. I’ll just make do without you today.”
Now, let’s see how long I have until it’s time to raise the sun. The moon is near the end of its orbit and has slowed to a speed of… Oh no.
The moon had stopped completely. It had already reached the end of its orbit and was waiting to be lowered. Meanwhile, the sun was waiting to be lifted. Her eyes darted around the room in search of a clock. The one hanging above the doorway confirmed her fear.
The sunrise was almost thirty minutes late.
One little mistake, and now they’re all going to hate you for it, the particularly unpleasant part of her internal voice told her.
She hurried to the door in the quickest canter she could manage within the library and charged out onto the street. The four guards on duty stood stoically in place even as they watched their princess—not even wearing her regalia—gallop in a circle, trying to get her bearings.
Once she found the moon, which was obscured by the town’s unremarkable skyline, she hastily yanked it down, then turned the opposite way and pulled the sun into the sky much more quickly and forcefully than normal.
As the light of the sun washed over her, the bleariness faded and she emerged into a state of full alertness, which carried the side effect of allowing her to notice that her stony-faced guards were watching her make a fool of herself. Still, she saved what face she could by standing tall and walking gracefully back to the door.
“Carry on,” she said as she stepped across the threshold.
Unlike certain other ponies who shall not be named, but who all happened to be residing in a library at that particular moment, Applejack never had a hard time waking up in the morning. Her eyes opened the moment the rooster crowed, and she was out of bed within seconds. Within the next few minutes, she managed to brush her teeth, shower, and groom her mane and tail.
“Mornin’, Granny,” she said as she walked into the dining room, where a second table had been brought in to accommodate the extra guests. She immediately went to work helping Granny Smith lay out the table settings for thirteen ponies. Bic McIntosh came in from the kitchen with a tray of apple flapjacks on his back and set it in the center of the table.
“Hoo-whee, Granny, those sure smell good. I can’t wait to dig in,” Applejack said. “I’m powerful hungry this morning for some reason.”
“Eeyup,” Big Mac said.
“Ain’t no surprise, seein’ as breakfast is late today,” Granny Smith said.
“Huh? What do you mean? It’s the same time we always eat.”
“Nope. Look at the time.”
Applejack’s gaze shifted upwards to the clock on the wall. Just as Granny said, it was half an hour later than usual.
“Consarnit! I’m gonna have me a little talk with that rooster. He ain’t gonna get away with slacking off on the job like that.”
“Simmer down, young’un. It weren’t his fault. Look out the window and see where the sun is.”
Applejack and Mac rushed over to the nearest east-facing window. The sun was visible between the fields and the barn, barely above the horizon.
Big Mac turned away from it first and spoke to Granny. “You mean the sun was half an hour late coming up today?”
“Eeyup,” Granny Smith said.
“Well, no sense worrying over it,” Applejack said. “We’d best get breakfast squared away and get started on our chores.”
* * * * *
Thirteen ponies sat at two tables: six unicorns at one, six earth ponies and an injured pegasus at the other. At the larger table, the conversation was lively and animated. The home’s owners asked questions about life in Canterlot and readily answered questions about farm life in return. Even Cirrus, reserved though she tended to be, had kept up an active role in the discussion.
Meanwhile, on the other table, the conversation consisted of low murmurs of discontentment. Prince Blueblood was poking at his stack of pancakes, occasionally taking a bite, wincing as though he had been punched in the face, and following it with a huge gulp of water, after which he would sneer at the drink, as though even that wasn’t good enough for him. The rest of the table mostly followed suit, although a few of the unicorns clearly enjoyed the food, despite their pretenses to the contrary.
After everypony had eaten their fill—or in Blueblood’s case, the bare minimum required to stop his stomach’s growling—the Apples quickly cleared away the plates and utensils, aided by Cirrus and a yellow earth pony mare named Garden Melody.
“Now y’all,” Applejack said as she walked back into the dining room with Cirrus and Garden, leaving Granny and Mac to wash and dry the dishes, “we got a lot to get done today, so we’d best get to it. I’ve made a list of who needs to do what today.
“Garden and Hammer will be working with Big McIntosh in the fields, bucking apples. Some unicorn magic might speed things up, but that’s Mac’s call. I’ll be taking a couple more volunteers into town to help me at the market since it should be busy today. Cirrus and Prose can help Granny around the house and everypony else can work on making the barn more comfortable. Any questions?”
While Blueblood gave an indignant huff—the various forms of which seemed to account for at least a third of his vocabulary—he didn’t actually say anything. None of the others decided to speak up either, so Applejack moved on. “All right then. Let’s get to it, everypony.”
Although the summer sun had gotten a late start on its daily ascent, the temperature was climbing quickly enough to make up for it. The morning dew and light haze of fog had already burned away by the time the road to the Ponyville schoolhouse came into use.
The road was busier than usual. In addition to the usual students, dozens of Canterlot ponies—parents and foals alike—walked the dirt path, much to the annoyance of a particular trio of local fillies who had been caught in the middle of the throng.
“I feel like I’m a pebble in a rockslide,” Apple Bloom said.
“I feel like a racer in a traffic jam,” Scootaloo said.
“I feel like a quarterback getting blitzed with no receivers open.”
The other two turned toward Sweetie Belle with raised eyebrows, slowing down momentarily before the prodding from the herd behind them forced them back up to speed.
“What?” Sweetie said.
“Since when are you into hoofball?” Scootaloo asked.
“I’m not. You try being around my dad all day and see if you don’t pick up a few things.”
The horde continued to trundle slowly down the road, eventually reaching the red building just as the bell rang for the first time.
“Good morning, everypony,” a familiar voice called out. “Please come this way.”
Cheerilee was waiting under a tree, calling out to every parent and foal who approached the doorway. As one, the herd turned and steered away from the building, then came to a stop. “Students to the front, please,” Cheerilee yelled, and the fillies found themselves being shuffled forward by dozens of forceful adult hooves. Soon, they stumbled out into the relative open, amidst the fillies and colts, over half of whom they didn’t know.
Not far away, Dinky, Twist, and Featherweight had huddled together and were talking amongst themselves. Unfortunately, Scootaloo, Apple Bloom, and Sweetie Belle found the path to their friends blocked by Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, who were already in the process of making new friends of their own. Twice as unfortunately, their arrival didn’t go unnoticed.
“Oh look, it’s the blank flanks,” Diamond Tiara said snidely to a chorus of snickers as half a dozen pairs of unfamiliar eyes locked onto their unadorned hindquarters.
Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle sighed and shook their heads, while Scootaloo simply rolled her eyes and said, “This is gonna be a long day.”
“You can’t be serious,” Blueblood said.
“Eeyup.”
“Is that supposed to mean that you are serious or that you aren’t ?”
“Eeyup.”
With every ‘eeyup’, Blueblood could feel another facial muscle developing a twitch. As hard as it was to believe, the stoic brute’s replies were even more grating than the primitive accents his relatives delighted in using to torment the prince’s sophisticated ears.
“And why, pray tell, should I be made to do manual labor?” Blueblood asked, taking care to make sure the question couldn’t be answered with that insipid ‘eeyup’ or ‘nope’ nonsense the simpleton was so enamored of.
“You wanna eat? You gotta work. Same as all of us.”
More than a single word! It may not have been particularly glorious, but it was a victory all the same. The first of many, if his plans were successful.
Prince Blueblood scoffed at the oaf’s threat. “As if I would willingly sully my palate with that refuse.”
“Suit yourself, prince. If you don’t wanna eat, you don’t gotta work. But you also don’t get a turn sleepin’ in the house if you don’t pull your weight.”
“You bring forth a compelling argument. Allow me a moment to consider it.”
Is there anything in it for me if I subject myself to this humiliation? Blueblood wondered. The task he is asking me to perform is simple enough. Levitating bushels onto a cart should cause very little exertion. As long as I can stay in the shade for most of it, I should be able to avoid...sweating. He gave an involuntary shudder as the thought of perspiration staining the magnificent whiteness of his coat took hold.
The risk is absolutely unacceptable. I must decline. Even if it costs me my turn in the bedroom, it is simply not worth… Wait a moment. There’s an alternative. If I seduce the brute’s sister, I could share her room every night! But no, that would mean sharing my royal… self with a mere dirt pony.
The oaf coughed loudly. Wonderful. Now I’ll have to worry about catching his diseases also.
Prince Blueblood looked up to find Big Mac staring at him. “Are you done with your schemin’ yet, prince?”
“I am not scheming, you buffoon. My mind’s eye is besieged by the abhorrent image of your sister performing highly indecent acts upon a dozen stallions.”
The dirt pony’s eyes narrowed so much that, if not for his knotted brow, he might have looked asleep. “You talk about my sister like that again and I’ll buck you to the other side of the south field. And consider yourself lucky AJ ain’t here, cause she’d have already done it.”
As Blueblood processed the threat, he unexpectedly found that his lips were curling upward instead of down as inspiration took hold. Of course! How could I have been so blind to it? It’s the perfect plan.
“My dear Mister McIntosh, perhaps you are unaware that an assault upon royalty, for any reason, carries very severe penalties. Should you, or any member of your family, inflict bodily harm upon me, your property, in its entirety, will be forfeited and added to my own holdings.”
“Then I reckon we’ll just have to find other ways to keep you in line,” the dirt pony said with more than a hint of a growl present in his voice.
“Oh, there will be no need for that, my fine fellow,” Blueblood said with a friendly smile. “I will perform the task you have assigned to me without question or complaint.”
Big Mac’s threatening posture relaxed, and while his face did not return to its usual neutral expression, his eyes were wide instead of narrowed and his previously bared, gritted teeth had concealed themselves behind his lips once more.
“Come along,” Blueblood said as he trotted toward the orchard, where the other two earth ponies were waiting. “On the way, I’ll tell you about all the things I imagined your little sister doing.”
Pinkie Pie rose from her bed as the alarm clock sounded, signalling that it was once again time to join Mr. and Mrs. Cake downstairs and prepare to open the shop. The brush next to her mirror, whose ministrations were typically foiled by her gravity-defying mane, passed effortlessly through her hair for once. After a quick visit to the bathroom, she walked down the stairs to earn her pay for the day...
...only to find that there was nothing for her to do. The three extra bakers had joined the Cakes in the kitchen and were already hard at work. Every countertop had a pony in front of it, busily mixing batter, operating the oven, decorating cakes, and performing all the other tasks that typically made mornings the busiest time of day for the residents of Sugarcube Corner.
“Mrs. Cake?” As the plump mare squeezed a small cart past two of her house guests and slipped out into the dining area, Pinkie fell in alongside her.
“Yes?” Cup Cake answered without looking at Pinkie, keeping her focus on the teetering stack of tablecloths and napkins in front of her.
“What should I be doing?”
“Well, it’s a bit cramped in the kitchen, but you can help me set the tables.”
“Okay, Mrs. Cake,” Pinkie said flatly.
“Hm? Pinkie, are you feeling all—oops!” As she tried to turn her head to face Pinkie, the stack nearly toppled, but it came to her attention just in time to rescue it.
“I’m feeling just fine.”
“You just don’t sound quite like yourself today.” The haphazardly loaded cart came to a stop next to the first table.
“Thanks, but you don’t have to worry about me.”
“I’m glad to hear that, dear. Now, how about we—” Mrs. Cake peered around the wobbling tower of folded tablecloths and found herself looking into a pair of dull blue eyes that lacked their usual sparkle. Where there should have been frizzy curls, a flat sheet of hair fell loosely across a coat that seemed less vibrant than normal.
“Is something wrong?” Pinkie asked. Her eyes narrowed slightly.
“Um… Actually, Pinkie,” Mrs. Cake began, recoiling slightly, “I think we have enough help around the bakery today, and you can use a break. Why don’t you take today off? We’ll just consider it an extra day of paid vacation.” She put on an awkward smile even as she tried to swallow a lump in her throat.
Pinkie nodded slowly and turned to leave. Just before the front door closed behind her, she heard a scramble of hooves and Cup Cake’s hushed voice drifting back to her.
“Carrot, we have a problem.”
She smiled mirthlessly as she took her first steps into the hot morning air. “Not yet, you don’t. Just wait a little longer.”
“Just wait a little longer, Rainbow.” After muttering to herself, Rainbow Dash shifted her weight, trying again to find a comfortable position. The sugary surface of Discord’s roof had left her hooves sticky, and her fur matted and covered with chocolate milk stains. Many of her feathers were stuck together, and every time she ruffled them in an attempt to shake them loose, it only resulted in more joining the uncomfortable tangle.
He had better come back soon, she thought. If I have to wait much longer, I’ll be too sticky to even move, much less drop that on his head.
She gave the bucket at the edge an experimental nudge. The metal bottom made a slurping sound as it pulled free of the soggy surface. Its contents sloshed and a few flecks of red stained the cotton candy.
A soft thump from below caught her attention. Peering down from the rooftop, she could see Discord skipping merrily through his flower garden, staying just out of reach of the dandelions as their teeth snapped at his legs. Rainbow pulled herself back to avoid being spotted if he glanced up. He was only a few seconds away from being in range. Her hooves wrapped around the bucket and held it out over the edge as his footsteps drew nearer.
Wait for it… wait for it… and… Now!
She upended the bucket of red paint as Discord reached the door. When the satisfying sound of a huge splash came back up to her, she dropped the bucket.
The resounding clank she expected never came.
Aw, ponyfeathers. He must’ve dodged it. She poked her head over the edge to check the damage.
On the doorstep, Discord was lying in a bathtub filled with red liquid, scrubbing under his arms. The supposedly empty can hovered in the air above him like a shower head, spraying rivulets of paint onto him, which flowed off his body and into the tub. The only parts of him that actually kept the coloration were his horns, which poked awkwardly through the shower cap on his head.
“Now, Dashie,” he said through a smug grin, “it almost seems like you aren’t even trying. You’ll have to do better than that if you want to get to me.”
With a low growl, Rainbow Dash took off—her movements somewhat awkward due to the condition of her feathers—and flew back into her bedroom window. She stomped her way across the hall and into the bathroom, stepped into her shower, and turned the knob, only to grimace at what came out.
Chocolate milk.
“What a lovely morning,” Fluttershy said as she stepped outside her cottage. The bag of seed on her back prevented the sunlight from reaching her entire body, but she stood still, relishing the feel of it on her face. After a few seconds, she turned her attention to the field, where the new animals had been making themselves at home a little more than she had expected.
“Goodness. Those are some very large holes. Be careful not to dig too many of them. It could get dangerous.”
The fauna gathered around her and she could hear an impatient thumping sound as she poured the seed, but the birds did not come forward to claim their meal. “Come on, now. Don’t you want some breakfast?” Still, the birds didn’t move. They even avoided her gaze. “What’s wrong, little friends?”
The thumping grew more insistent and drew her attention to a single critter, a sour-faced brown rabbit standing at the front of the pack, stamping its foot on the ground. Fluttershy stared curiously at it, and it stared back at her. A spider monkey hanging from a tree limb let out a sudden screech, but when the rabbit turned its glance toward the simian, it fell silent.
“Oh, I understand now. You’re just like Angel Bunny, aren’t you? Okay, I’ll go and get some food for you first.” The thumping stopped, but the rabbit stayed rooted in place as she walked back inside.
On her way into the kitchen, Fluttershy noticed one of her own pets staring out the window. “Angel?”
The white rabbit turned and hopped toward her, but his movements were slow and deliberate, and his legs were spread just a little wider than normal, as though he had hurt himself somehow. “Come on, Angel. I’m just about to go and get some breakfast for your new friends, so I’ll get you something to eat also.”
A large bowl of greens was quickly thrown together as a communal trough for most of the leaf-eating animals, but two small bowls were set aside from it. Fluttershy carefully selected some of the freshest pieces of lettuce and put them neatly into the bowls, then cut a carrot into thin slices to garnish both of them. Finally, she put cucumber slices on top and put one of them in front of Angel.
“There you go,” she said as Angel started to eat. “I even gave you an extra piece of lettuce, just to let you know how special you still are to me.”
The rabbit looked up at her, his eyes welling with tears as he chewed a bite of his cucumber. Before she could say anything, he reached out and hugged the closest pony leg. Fluttershy rubbed his head gently, the shooed him back to his bowl to finish eating.
She trotted out of the cottage again with the two remaining bowls on her back. She laid the smaller one in front of the brown rabbit and watched as it poked its nose curiously at the lettuce. After a moment, it took a bite.
All at once, the birds came down and started on the seed, and the moment Fluttershy set down the larger bowl, it was swarmed by even more critters. Soon, all the food had been laid out and all the animals were eating, so she turned around to return to the cottage and feed her own pets.
Unseen by Fluttershy, the spider monkey had remained in its tree. When it tried to sneak down to get a bite of fruit after a few minutes, a stern glare from the brown rabbit sent it slinking back up into the branches.
“Rise and shine, ladies!”
A chorus of groans came from the lumpy sleeping bags and Glitter’s brown pillow was thrown at Rarity’s head. The blue aura of her own magic engulfed it and tossed it haphazardly to the side.
“I know how important a mare’s beauty sleep can be, but we have work to do. Remember, use of the bathroom is first-come, first-serve.” Even that didn’t get them to stir.
“Fine. If beating Silk Satin isn’t important to you, you can sleep all day,” Rarity said slyly.
Six mares bolted upright at the same instant. “Well, that’s going to make bathroom rights a little tricky to determine, but at least you’re all awake now. Once you’ve cleaned up, come downstairs for breakfast. Then it’s straight to work.
* * * * *
By the time the last seamstress, Chiffon, made it to the breakfast table, the food was nearly cold. Nopony seemed to mind, however. They had all rushed through breakfast and hurried into the main workroom.
“Ahem,” Rarity said as she walked in. “Ladies, I must know more about your particular talents if we are to work together effectively. Chiffon, let’s start with you.”
“Oh, me first? Well, I suppose if I had to say what I’m good at it, it would be sewing.”
Rarity nodded and moved down the row. “Glitter?”
“I can do just about anything sewing-related, but my specialty is stitching delicate fabrics.”
“And I can sew too, but I’m also good at weaving,” Cotton said quickly. “Spindle and me are great at working together because she can make super-great thread and I turn it into bolts of cloth!”
“I see. Spindle, is that right?” The mare in question was busy glaring at Cotton Weave, but took a moment to nod to Rarity before returning to it.
“And what about you girls?” Rarity said to Silver Needle and Silver Thread.
“Ooh! I know! I can tell—” Cotton’s unwelcome rambling was brought to a mercifully short end as Spindle poked her with the sharp tip of her horn. She was unconscious before her legs even buckled.
“She won’t be out for long, will she?” Rarity asked.
“Nah. That one was weak. She’ll be bouncing off the walls again in five minutes.”
“Five minutes of blessed silence,” Glitter said. “Enjoy it while you can.”
“Anyway,” Silver Needle said, “my sister and I work as a pair. We can handle just about any sewing task you put in front of us, but if you separate us, we’re useless.”
“That’s good to know. Now, to begin with, I’d like you all to take a look at this design.” Rarity levitated an illustration from a nearby table and held it in front of the others.
“Oh, wow, Miss Rarity, that’s really pretty,” Chiffon said.
“Thank you. It’s one of my newest designs. I’d like you six… um… five to make it. That will show me what you can do.”
Rarity put on her red-rimmed reading glasses and sat down at her design desk while the five mares—who soon became six again—went to work.
“Presenting their royal highnesses, Princess Celestia and Princess Twilight Sparkle.”
The two princesses strolled into the town hall. Celestia’s gait was steady and certain, her gaze fixed on the raised platform they would be sitting upon throughout the day. Twilight, however, was much less confident, slouching slightly and glancing frequently at the kneeling ponies on either side of the walkway.
Upon reaching the top of the platform, Celestia stood in front of a large white cushion with yellow trim which had been laid out for her to sit on and addressed the crowd. “All may rise,” she said, then glanced to her left at Twilight, who had suppressed her nervousness and was standing up straight—a mask, she knew, but an effective one nonetheless—in front of a smaller, though no less luxurious-looking, mulberry-colored cushion. A final navy blue one was laid at Celestia’s right side.
After their subjects stood, Celestia and Twilight sat down. “Let us begin with the day’s reports. First of all, have we received word yet from any of the other cities?”
A white pegasus in golden armor stepped forward. “Your highness, a team did return from Fillydelphia in the night.”
“Is that all?” Celestia asked.
“Yes, your majesty,” the guard said, his posture stiffening slightly.
“Very well,” Celestia said after taking a deep breath to relax herself. “Proceed with the report.”
“The mayor of Fillydelphia sends her regrets that she is unable to offer aid at this time. All available construction materials in the city have already been committed to the construction of shelters for the refugees.”
“Very well. Inform me at once as other messengers arrive.” The guard saluted and stepped back.
“Now, how many petitioners do we have today?” Celestia asked.
“Two hundred and seven so far, your majesty,” her assistant said.
“This is going to be a long day, isn’t it?” Twilight said.
Celestia looked out over the sea of colorful, yet troubled faces. “Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“So bored…”
“No kiddin’, Scoots,” Apple Bloom said. “If we had known there wasn’t gonna be no class today, we never woulda come.”
“And just imagine how frustrating it must be for Cheerilee,” Sweetie Belle said. “She’s the one who has to do paperwork for all the new fillies and colts.”
Scootaloo lightly punched the tree they had settled under. “They ought to just start up a new school for all the stuck-up snobs and send Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon there. Then the rest of us could at least be doing something. Even schoolwork is better than just sitting around. And it’s too hot!”
“What are you babies crying about now?”
“Oh, great. I wonder who that could be,” Scootaloo said sarcastically without looking in the direction of the voice.
“If you blank flanks can’t take a little heat, maybe you should be back in your cribs,” Diamond Tiara said. Instead of the usual pair of mocking voices laughing at them, however, there was a whole pack of them. Scootaloo looked up and saw the usual two bullies flanked by a group of six new friends.
“Do you gals hear some flies buzzin’ around?” Apple Bloom said without looking away from Sweetie Belle.
“Yeah, I think I hear something too. I’m not sure what it could be though.”
“I know what it is, Sweetie,” Scootaloo said. “It’s just some unimportant commoners.”
“Excuse me?” Diamond Tiara shouted over the raised voices of her friends. “You babies are the ones who aren’t important.”
“You see, Sweetie? Bloom? Some ponies just don’t know their place,” Scootaloo said in a mockery of a Canterlot accent.
“How dare you?” one of the unfamiliar fillies said. “Don’t you know who this is?”
“Yep. That’s Diamond Tiara. The local loudmouth who thinks she’s better than she really is,” Scootaloo said. Beside her, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle leaned back against the tree and joined her in staring smugly at the would-be bullies.
Diamond Tiara, however, remained as confident as ever in her bullying skills and pressed onward. “I guess blank flanks wouldn’t know about these things, but everypony else in Equestria knows just how special I am. Princess Luna put my cutie mark in the sky last night!” She leaned in closer, smiling malevolently. “I don’t suppose she did that for your cutie marks, did she? Oh, that’s right. You losers don’t have any!”
“We may not have our cutie marks yet, but at least we have a new friend,” Scootaloo said.
“Another no-talent blank flank, no doubt.” Diamond Tiara giggled, but quickly stopped when nopony else joined her. “Only losers hang out with losers, so your new friend must be just as useless as you.” Again, she laughed, but once again, none of her friends joined in. She turned her head toward her best friend, but Silver Spoon was facing the opposite direction, crouching down low.
“What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you laughing at them?”
“I think it’s because our new friend is standing right there,” Scootaloo said smugly.
Diamond Tiara spun around and found herself facing a set of dark blue legs with silver shoes upon their hooves. She slowly looked up, straining her neck as it craned higher and higher upward, until at last, her eyes met with a narrowed pair of cyan eyes, which were staring directly down at her.
The three fillies under the tree giggled as their nemesis tripped over her own hooves in a hasty attempt to back away from Princess Luna. She rolled over a couple of times, getting dirt in her coat and mane, before finding her footing and sinking into a bow.
Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom bounded cheerily around her and stood at Luna’s side as the princess’ magic produced a note pad and quill. The fillies grinned as they read it.
Sweetie Belle stepped forward slightly. “Diamond Tiara, did you hear that Princess Luna lost her voice while she was helping all the other ponies get out of Canterlot?”
A cloud of dust erupted from Diamond’s pink coat as she nodded.
“Well, until she gets her voice back, we’re gonna be talking for her,” Apple Bloom said.
The quill scratched across the paper again and the two crusaders stepped back to join Scootaloo in reading it.
“Ready, Crusaders?” Scootaloo asked. The others nodded and all three took a deep breath together.
“Diamond Tiara, thou hast dishonored Our name with thy cruel and slanderous words,” they shouted in unison. The dust was instantly blown from Diamond’s coat and her tiara was flung from her head as she struggled to maintain her footing in the gale.
“Know that We hold thee in no high regard, and that crafting an image of thy mark amongst the stars was not Our intent, nor would We ever consider bestowing such an honor upon one so unworthy as thyself.”
As the Crusaders gasped for breath, Princess Luna snapped the note pad closed and turned around. Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo all fell in behind her as she walked toward Cheerilee’s registration table.
Another note was hastily scribbled and given to Sweetie Belle, who read it aloud. “I, Princess Luna of Equestria, Bringer of the Night and Guardian of Dreams, do hereby request the release of these three students into my keeping for the remainder of the day.”
Cheerilee looked back and forth between Sweetie Belle and Princess Luna several times before nodding dumbly. Luna perked an eyebrow, but wrote nothing else. As she turned to leave, Apple Bloom stayed behind a moment.
“Um… Miss Cheerilee? I know this was sudden and all, but you really oughta bow when a princess shows up, you know.”
The teacher nodded dumbly again, her mouth hanging open like a dead fish.
“Uh… well, anyway, I’m going now. See you tomorrow.” Leaving Cheerilee behind, Apple Bloom quickly caught up with the others.
“Princess Luna, that was totally awesome,” Scootaloo said excitedly as the group cleared the mass of parents. She hopped into the air and buzzed her wings to float momentarily. “Nopony has ever been able to shut Diamond Tiara up like that before.”
Sweetie Belle was more reserved. “Yeah, but I’m just worried that she might try to get back at us later.”
“Shucks, Sweetie. That’s nothing we ain’t used to dealing with already.”
“Yeah, I’m way less worried about what she might do than getting out of this crazy heat.” Scootaloo wiped her brow, then stumbled forward on three legs to keep up as she tried to shake the thick smear of sweat from her fetlock. “I know it’s summer, but this is ridiculous!”
Sweetie Belle peeled a few stray locks from her mane away from her coat. “Yeah, it does seem warmer than usual.”
Luna’s quill sprang to life again and scribbled a new message.
Indeed, the weather is most unusual, and I believe I know why. We must hurry back to the town hall so I may speak to my sister.
Twilight Sparkle sat mutely as yet another petitioner stepped forward, hardly even hearing him as he spelled out his concerns. As with all the others, Celestia answered him without hesitation, so Twilight didn’t need to do anything other than keep her eyes focused and nod on cue.
It wasn’t like they were worth listening to in the first place, of course. It was mostly just petty complaints that Celestia brushed aside without sparing them any actual thought. Her attention returned to the floor, however, when a white pegasus in golden armor stepped in.
Celestia motioned the guard forward, but Twilight’s eyes lingered on a trail of small spots on the floor in his wake. When she followed the trail back to the pony standing at attention in front of her, she found the source: sweat. The guard was dripping from head to haunches.
“Please deliver your report, Sergeant,” Celestia said.
“Your highnesses, I have returned with news from Baltimare. They stand ready to assist in whatever way they can. At present, they are preparing raw materials to assist with rebuilding the rail lines, and have promised that materials for the reconstruction of Canterlot will be contributed once the trains are fully operational again.”
“Very good, Sergeant. Did they give you a time frame?”
“Yes, your majesty. They are shipping the materials to the nearest rail station. However, the most direct line is blocked, so the train will need to be re-routed by way of Vanhoover. It will take three days for it to arrive at the destination. Factoring in the time it will take to assemble the supplies and bring them from the station to Ponyville, we should not expect to receive them for another six days.”
Celestia breathed deeply and closed her eyes. When she exhaled, it almost sounded like a sigh. However, she quickly opened her eyes again and showed no outward signs of frustration. “Thank you for your diligent efforts in bringing this information to us,” she said. “Please take the remainder of the day off to rest.”
The soldier saluted sharply, sending beads of sweat flying in every direction and causing a handful of nobles to dive behind others for cover. “Thank you, your highnesses.”
As the guard left, Celestia’s assistant called for the next petitioner, another one of the lesser nobles from Canterlot. She stepped forward and bowed deeply. “Your majesties, I come before you on behalf of myself and many others to humbly request your intervention in today’s weather.”
“What is wrong with the weather, my little pony?” Celestia asked.
“It is the heat, your majesty. We are unused to how strongly the sun shines on Ponyville, and it is making many of us ill.”
“Allow me a moment to contemplate the matter,” Celestia said calmly, but seriously. She closed her eyes in concentration and her horn glowed faintly. After a moment, she slowly opened her eyes, but something was wrong.
Even if one could see through her mask of serenity, her white coat would still have kept it concealed. Only a pony who spent a significant amount of time with her and understood her mannerisms well could have detected it. Twilight was one such pony, so she noticed when Celestia blanched.
“Thank you for bringing your concern to me,” she said smoothly. “I will speak to the mayor at once about having the weather team bring some clouds back to the town.”
“Thank you, your majesty.” The noble bowed again and left the building.
“Princess Twilight, I must go and speak with Mayor Mare. Please see to the next few petitioners on your own. I will return shortly.”
Twilight’s eyes went wide as her blood turned to ice water. “But Princess, I can’t just—”
“I have every faith in you, Twilight. Now, I really must hurry.” Celestia trotted away before Twilight could argue, leaving her in charge of the court.
“Will the next petitioner, Jet Set, please step forward?” the assistant asked. A haughty stallion with glasses, as well as a white sweater draped across his green shirt despite the heat, emerged from the crowd. He bowed in front of her, and when he rose, he wore a friendly smile, but it was tainted by the specter of his overt self-interest.
“Your majesty, I have come to request that a few of the royal servants be temporarily reassigned to the Rich manor.”
“Um… I see,” Twilight stammered. “For what reason?”
Jet Set’s smile lengthened. “Princess, taking care of refugees in such a large home is quite taxing on Filthy Rich and his family.”
“Oh. Okay. Give me a moment to think it over.” Twilight closed her eyes and focused, trying to recall anything that might give her a sense of context for Jet Set’s request and help her make a wise decision. What came to mind was one of the tales of misused magic from the book she had just rediscovered.
* * * * *
Once upon a time, in a humble farming community known as Fillydelphia, there lived a Unicorn named Canvas Vista. Her talent lay in painting, but the village had little use for her art. She could have moved to Canterlot, where her talents would be appreciated, but Canvas loved her home too much to leave it. To make ends meet, she often performed tasks meant to be done by earth ponies.
One day, Canvas was working in the fields with a local farmer, attempting to pull his plow. However, she was not strong enough to move it far.
“Thank you for trying,” said the farmer, “but you should leave that to me, for I am an earth pony and my strength is meant for such things.”
“You have so much to do. I cannot leave you to do it alone,” said Canvas.
“If you have not the strength to pull a plow, there is nothing else you can do,” said the farmer.
“Then I shall use my magic to aid me,” said Canvas. The farmer accepted her resolve and allowed her to try once more. With the aid of her magic, the plow did move, and the farmer did see the greatness and versatility of Unicorn magic.
However, Canvas Vista’s magic was a refined gift, intended for a refined purpose. When the plow struck a rock, she was unable to move past it. Though her magic was subtle and precise, it was not strong.
Even so, she continued to pull. Her muscles strained and her horn glowed brighter than ever before, yet the stone did not budge. Instead, it was her own heart that failed. Canvas Vista fell to the ground and did not move again.
Young Unicorn, remember the tale of Canvas Vista, and know that you have a special talent for a reason. If a task is not one that you are meant to do, attempting it can lead to woe.
* * * * *
As Twilight opened her eyes and prepared to give her answer, her attention was drawn to the sight of Celestia walking back in. She took her seat next to Twilight and looked appraisingly at Jet Set, who would not meet her gaze. He was still smiling, but he had started to slouch and the corners of his lips were quavering.
Celestia looked away and shook her head, sighing heavily. “Whatever this is about, the answer is no.”
“Well, this was unexpected.”
Discord and Fluttershy stared at the remnants of his cotton candy house, now reduced to an amorphous pink blob hovering tenuously above the ground. A dark cloud sat directly above it, emptying its contents onto the sugary surface, causing it to congeal, sag, and drop large, messy chunks of pink sludge onto the ground.
“I wonder why it has that bubble,” Fluttershy said, pointing to a dark bulge in the surface.
“That’s probably where the chocolate milkfall started,” Discord said as he stroked his beard.
“It looks like it’s getting bigger.”
“Yes. If the pressure keeps building, it’ll eventually—”
The bubble burst.
Discord lifted Fluttershy into the air just before the wave of chocolate milk hit, stretching his arm to keep her dry even as he was fully engulfed. As the initial surge passed and the wave spread it, it washed over the nearby yards and crashed against the walls of the houses, seeping through cracks and flowing freely through open doors and windows.
“Oh my,” Fluttershy said breathily as Discord set her down. His voice was nothing but gurgles and chocolate milk flew from his mouth with every sound he made. By the time the last of it had been expelled, it had become clear that he wasn’t talking or gargling; he was laughing.
“I never thought she’d go this far,” he said between cackles. “Not over a fake spoiler!”
“Maybe she doesn’t know it was fake.”
“She had to. I left the book lying around so she could take it.”
“Are you sure she took it?” Fluttershy asked as she hovered toward the wreckage.
Discord followed closely behind her. “Well, it wasn’t where I left it.”
“I see. Then what’s that?”
The corner of a book was sticking out of a small pile of pink debris. Discord floated over and lifted the copy of Daring Do and the Crimson Coffin free of its sticky tomb. “Oops.”
“Okay ladies, I’m done looking it over,” Rarity yelled. “Come back to the workshop”
The six seamstresses shuffled back into the room. Chiffon looked nervous, as usual, but surprisingly, Cotton did also. The other four looked perfectly calm and Rarity stared at their collaborative creative on the dress form.
“To be perfectly honest… it’s better than I could have possibly done on my own.” Cotton, Chiffon, and the seemingly nonplussed Spindle all breathed loud sighs of relief.
“The stitching is simply superb, especially on the lace, and the seams are absolutely flawless.” Rarity turned away from the dress and faced the girls. “I think it’s safe to say that Silk Satin won’t know what hit her.”
Six voices cheered, and for once, Cotton Weave accounted for less than half of the volume. After allowing a long moment for celebration, Rarity stamped her hoof a few times and called for attention.
“Enough of that now! If we want to put Satin in her place, we’ll need to work hard to get a solid lead on her before she can start producing dresses. I want to make three more just like the last one, and then we’ll move on to a new design.”
“Hey, Miss Rarity.” Spindle called out to her from across the room as she sat down at her station.
“Yes, Spindle?”
“I had finished two more spools of that thread we used for the seams, but they’re gone now. Did you move them?”
“No, I’m afraid not. It must have been one of the others.”
“Hey! All the needles are gone!” Glitter yelled.
“And so is the blue silk,” Silver Needle said.
Rarity rushed over to look for the missing materials. “What? That’s impossible,” she said as she rummaged through drawers for the needles and lifted other bolts of cloth in search of the missing one. “I was right here the whole time and nopony came in. It has to be here somewhere!”
“Maybe someone got in while your back was turned?” Spindle said.
“No, there’s a bell on the door. I’d have heard it.”
“What about the windows?” Glitter said.
“I suppose that’s possible, but anypony climbing through a window would have made a lot of noise.”
Rarity’s eyes locked on one of the windows, which was opened slightly more than the others. “Or perhaps they didn’t come in at all.”
She reached out with her magic to grab a bolt of red fabric and held it next to the window. It was opened just wide enough for the bolt to slip through.
“So somepony used magic to steal our supplies through that window?” Chiffon asked.
“That’s what it looks like,” Cotton said, frowning for the first time since Rarity had met her.
“And I think we all know who it was.”
“Yes, Glitter,” Rarity said, “and such a crime cannot be allowed to go unpunished. I’ll speak to Princess Twilight about this theft later. For now, we’ll just have to close all the windows, lock the doors, and use a different color.”
“And what are we going to use for our sewing?” Glitter asked.
“I’m sorry, but all we have left is the machines.”
“Oh, great,” Glitter said. “So we’re stuck inside on a hot day with no ventilation and we’re going to be using those loud sewing machines. I’d ask how this could get worse, but I think I’d rather just wait and be surprised.”
“Presenting her royal highness, Princess Luna.”
Luna strode into the room, quickly followed by three young fillies.
“...and entourage,” the herald quickly amended as the princess stepped onto the platform with Celestia, whose confusion was revealed only by a slight acceleration in the flow of her mane, and Twilight, who seemed to have a hoof glued to her forehead. Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Apple Bloom stood in front of the platform, directly ahead of Luna, squirming nervously as they looked out at the curious crowd.
The scratching sound of a quill on paper rang out clearly above the silence of the rest of the room.
Sister, I have noticed an error in the sun’s orbit. It is too close.
Celestia nodded.
We will need to make adjustments in the schedule to counter it.
Again, Celestia nodded. However, she produced a quill of her own and passed a message back.
Luna, why did you bring those fillies with you? And where is your assistant?
Luna smirked and wrote a brief reply.
You’ll see.
Celestia sighed and returned to business. “We shall now hear the next petitioner.”
A name was called and a pony stepped forward. After the customary bow, he pleaded his case.
“Your majesties, I must protest the conditions we have been forced to endure today. This heat is unbearable, and even the clouds you had the pegasi bring in have not helped. In fact, the extra humidity seems to have made it even worse!”
“I understand your concerns, and I assure you that we are taking every possible measure to—” Celestia’s answer was cut short by Luna raising a hoof in front of her.
Allow me to handle this.
Celestia nodded, deferring the matter to her younger sister. Luna wrote out another note and sent it to the fillies, who took a deep breath before unleashing a merciless torrent of sound that assaulted eardrums, shattered glass, and scared the wits out of every animal within a five mile radius.
“Truly, thy dilemma doth concern Us greatly. Although Our sister’s error has caused thee great inconvenience, we shall make amends by bringing the day to an early end, half an hour before the norm. The extended night shall abate the heat, and the natural order shall be restored upon tomorrow’s sunrise.”
As the gale force died down, the ponies in the audience tentatively uncovered their ears and began to take stock of the damage to their manes and clothing.
“Luna, what was that?” Celestia asked, taking full advantage of the crowd’s (hopefully) temporary hearing loss. Beside her, Twilight still had a hoof over her face. The only difference in her pose was that her ears were turned down.
As you can see, sister, I have found suitable assistants.
“That’s debatable, but more importantly, why did you tell them that the problem with the sun was my fault?”
You didn’t do that already?
“Of course not! How can we maintain order if our subjects don’t trust us?”
Luna started to write out a reply, but a stomping hoof gave her pause. Soon, it was joined by another, then several more, and it continued until the entire town hall was filled with applause. A few comments made it across the cacophony and reached their ears.
“It’s about time somepony finally told us....”
“...wish Princess Luna had been here earlier. Maybe she could have...”
“Sunset can’t come soon enough.”
“...really makes you appreciate the night, you know?”
At least they seem to trust one of us.
Meanwhile, three disappointed fillies stared sullenly at their blank flanks.
“I guess this means we’re not Cutie Mark Crusader royal Canterlot vocalists.”
“That’s much better,” Fluttershy said as she stepped out of the stream. The last vestiges of chocolate milk and cotton candy were already out of sight, but she had stayed in the water a couple minutes longer than necessary just to make sure her hooves were completely clean.
As she expected, the fauna from the castle gardens were still milling around the field beside her house, yet none of her own animals could be seen among them. “I’m back, little friends,” she said as she approached them. For once, they didn’t shy away from her and she was able to touch them freely, even if they didn’t respond much.
“Since we’re getting to know each other so well, I think it’s time to let you make some more new friends.” Fluttershy trotted back to the cottage.
Inside, she found her own animals clustered around the windows, staring out at the other critters. “Come on now, wouldn’t you rather be outside making friends?”
There was no response, so she tried again. “Staying in here is very rude, you know. You really should try to get along with them.”
Once again, there was no response. A hoof stomped heavily on the floor, which sent out vibrations across the room, rattling the decorative plates on the walls and nearly knocking over the Discord-shaped lamp next to the sofa.
That got their attention.
All the animals slowly turned their heads to look at her, and as she gazed back at them, she felt herself falling down a familiar hole. Her mind emptied of all extraneous thoughts, bringing her goals into laser-like focus and communicating them through wide unblinking eyes.
Beneath the force of weaponized will known only as The Stare, her pets were helpless to resist doing her bidding. All together, they backed out through the door and into the yard, pressed ever further into the field as Fluttershy advanced on them, catching the newcomers in her optical assault as well when they came into sight.
At last, she blinked. The animals took stock of their surroundings, not entirely sure how they had come to be there and found themselves intermingling with their unfamiliar counterparts. Fluttershy watched hopefully for a long moment as they looked back and forth between one another.
Then the confusion faded. The opening blows were so quick that nopony will ever know which side attacked first, and it only took a matter of seconds for the entire field to erupt into all-out war.
Hissing. Screeching. Clawing. Biting. Ramming. Poking. Stomping. It all blended together into a tumultuous clamor and disappeared from sight into an expanding ball of flying grass, dirt, fur, and feathers.
Fluttershy tried to call upon her stare’s power again, but she couldn’t muster the necessary focus. Her pleas and screams went unanswered. All she could do was watch helplessly as the fracas continued.
With eyes full of tears, she turned and galloped back into her cottage. There’s only one thing left to try, she decided.
As the cacophony from the field penetrated the walls and windows, ringing through her ears unabated regardless of distance or obstruction, she hurried into her bedroom and flung the closet door open. Down at the bottom, buried carefully under a pile of other boxes, she found the one she needed. It was a sturdy wooden thing, latched securely and sealed with a padlock almost as large as the box itself.
She rushed around the room, gathering carefully concealed slips of paper from hiding places even her mice would never find. Finally, she laid them out and fit the torn papers together, revealing the lock’s combination. After the tumblers fell into place and the lock was released, she flipped the box’s lid open and found what she needed.
It was a book.
On the cover, it featured the picture of a menacing creature with the head of a bull. It was winking, smiling, and pointing a thumb into the air. Before opening it, she nervously ran a hoof across the letters at the top.
Even You Can Be Assertive by Iron Will.
I’m glad I stashed a few of these away for blowgun emergencies, Pinkie thought to herself as she took aim. One of these pellets should sting enough to put Fluttershy in a really bad mood. Then she’ll want a party for sure.
Then again, maybe I should just shoot the bag of birdseed. No. She’ll think it just tore open and clean it up or let the birds eat it off the ground. That won’t bother her much. I have to hit her directly. Sorry, Fluttershy…
With her shot lined up, Pinkie took a deep breath. At the last possible moment, however, she thought, I can’t do it, and pulled the pipe up. Instead of hitting Fluttershy, the pellet sailed through the air and struck a monkey dangling from a tree limb. As the monkey screeched, she slipped away through the brush.
I don’t really need to be mean to Fluttershy anyway. She’s nice enough that she’ll come to any party I throw. No sense causing her any trouble.
* * * * *
The difference a new hairstyle and a couple of accessories could make was amazing. Even though her colors were the same, nopony recognized Pinkie as she slipped into the throng of parents and foals outside the schoolhouse.
Her itching powder was gone in under a minute and her bottle of sulfur perfume didn’t last much longer. Even so, the number of ponies she managed to inconvenience was only a fraction of the ones milling around. Something bigger was needed.
The three walking catastrophes lazing around underneath a tree would do nicely.
Of course, something would be needed to set them off. The solution to that problem presented itself quickly enough as Diamond Tiara passed by with an entourage. She stepped out in front of them and spoke with the snootiest Canterlot accent she could manage.
“Ah, it is so nice to see a group of special young fillies like yourselves.”
“Thank you, ma’am,” Diamond Tiara said cautiously. The rest muttered their own half-hearted words of gratitude.
“When I was your age, far too many of my classmates were still blank flanks.”
“We have a few in our class, actually,” Silver Spoon said.
“Ah, the fun I used to have at their expense… Those were truly good times. If I were younger, I would go and tease that group of fillies under the tree over there.”
Hook. Line. Sinker.
Diamond Tiara’s grin spread across most of her face before her untrained lips reached their limitations and would stretch no further. “We can go do it for you if you’d like,” she said.
“Oh, yes, please. I would ever so grateful if you would do that.”
Permission from an adult to be mean was a rare treasure for a bully, so they ran off to take advantage of it before Pinkie could change her mind.
Too bad Princess Luna chose that moment to show up and spoil everything.
* * * * *
It was a perfect cast.
The hook sailed smoothly through the open window and landed right on top of the box of needles. One quick jerk on the line and it came right into her waiting hooves. Another cast brought a spool of thread. Then another spool.
The last cast snagged a large bolt of blue fabric. Quite the catch, but tougher to bring in. It took some patience, but Rarity was kind enough to keep her back to the window while she slowly reeled it in across the floor. When it reached the window, she had to push it open a little more to get it out. Fortunately, it didn’t squeak, so she was able to get the silk without making a sound.
Moments later, Rarity called for the others, so her time was up. Pinkie slipped away with her haul and stashed Rarity’s belongings with her fishing pole.
It’s a shame I couldn’t get more, but that much should do. Besides, there’s plenty of time left in the day, and with Celestia helping me by making it so hot, all the ponies in town should be begging for a party by tonight.
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There Goes the Neighborhood
If You Can't Take the Heat, You're Not Wearing Enough Sunscreen
Chapter 5
If You Can’t Take the Heat, You’re Not Wearing Enough Sunscreen
There are some lessons that every pony eventually learns: life isn’t always fair; you can’t pick your nose with hooves; there really is such a thing as too much cake. Celestia had learned all of these in her long life, mostly the hard way. However, there was one very important lesson that had eluded her, but which was becoming painfully clear:
Some days, it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed.
On most days, the thunderous applause from the crowd would be for her. She would be sitting elegantly, flanked by Twilight and Luna. Twilight would be staring at her with the purest of adoration twinkling in her eyes. Luna would be sitting stoically, the very picture of unreadable regality.
Why didn’t I just go back to sleep? Celestia thought as she tuned out the stomping of hooves. Her attention fell onto her sister’s beaming face as she soaked up the crowd’s adulation. Luna had even managed to usurp her position in the center somehow, and was sitting on the luxurious white cushion, as though she were the one who had single-hoofedly guided Equestria for a millennium. Celestia, meanwhile, was stuck sitting on the less comfortable blue cushion.
The next petitioner stepped forward and addressed the princesses. “Your Majesties, as you are certainly already aware, many of our families were separated during the evacuation of Canterlot.”
“It’s a shame mine wasn’t,” Celestia said. A moment later, she realized the entire room had gone silent. All eyes were on her. Oh no. Did I say that out loud?
The vacant expressions on most of the others ponies’ faces told her that they were too stunned to properly understand what they had just heard, but Twilight’s face was shifting from moment to moment, going through an entire spectrum of emotions that was likely to culminate in a panic attack. Luna’s, however, was simply growing darker by the second, and not entirely in a figurative sense.
After a polite cough, Celestia attempted to repair the damage. Taking care to keep her voice measured, she said, “Please pardon me. I was just trying to break the tension with a little joke. I apologize for my inappropriate timing.”
Twilight immediately shifted to a relieved expression and released the breath she had been holding. Luna raised an eyebrow, but nodded tersely, then turned back toward the crowd and put her smile back on. The tension shattered like glass on a rock, and the crowd went back to chattering.
Snippets of the crowd’s conversation reached her ears from time to time, whenever those children Luna had recruited weren’t screaming on her behalf. Unsurprisingly, some of the chatter was about her outburst.
“Never thought I’d see the day—”
“—such strange behavior—”
“—never behaved so inappropriately in Canterlot.”
“Now I see why my grandfather used to call her Princess Sarcastia.” There it was. And as usual, it spread like wildfire; one whispered comment was picked up by others, and their comments inspired others in turn.
With a soft sigh, Celestia stood up and slipped behind the stage’s curtain. The moment she was out of the crowd’s sight, she had to clamp her teeth together to squelch a scream of frustration. With her neck muscles still spasming, she started toward the back door, but had to restrain herself yet again as she nearly stomped on the wooden floor. Given her recent luck, the board probably would have popped up and hit her in the face.
When she made it to the door, she took a moment to compose herself before opening it. A few deep breaths slowed the motion of her mane back to its usual gentle flow and eased the tension in her muscles. The golden glow of her magic pushed the door open, and she stepped outside into the sunlight.
The heat almost pushed her right back into the town hall. Within seconds, she was starting to sweat, just like every other pony unfortunate enough to be out on the streets. A glance into the sky confirmed what she already knew; the sun was far too large in the sky.
Holding true to Luna’s promise, she gave it a nudge, accelerating it slightly to bring the day to an early end. The increase in speed would also have the effect of pushing it away from the planet slightly, gradually bringing it back to its proper orbit without further disrupting the usual tidal forces.
When she looked down again, a pink pony had appeared in front of her and was sitting on her haunches. The mare was familiar, but Celestia couldn’t quite place her. Aside from the dull, straight mane, it almost looked like…
“Hiya, Princess!”
“Pinkie Pie?” Celestia said cautiously.
“You betcha!” Pinkie said. She was smiling, which was nothing unusual, but there was something about it that wasn’t quite right.
“Can I help you with something, Pinkie?”
Pinkie shook her head. “Nope! You already have. I just wanted to thank you for giving me such a wonderful day! This weather is exactly what I needed.”
“You actually like this weather?” Celestia said, cocking her head. As she started walking toward the market, Pinkie stood up and fell in beside her.
“Yes indeedy. It’s sure to make everypony want to have a huge party later,” Pinkie said as she trotted toward the main road.
As Celestia’s mind started to process Pinkie’s words, the segment of it devoted to self-preservation recognized the impending danger, having experienced it the previous day, and pressed the big red alarm button, bringing that train of thought to a screeching halt. “I’m very glad that you’re enjoying it, Pinkie.”
“Ooh! There’s Applejack! I need to go make her want a party. Seeya later, Princess!” Pinkie shouted as she sprinted away.
I think I’d better take my walk in the other direction.
“Hi, AJ!” Pinkie shouted as she bounced toward a familiar apple-laden cart. Though its owner turned toward her, the two bored-looking unicorns standing behind the cart with Applejack barely took any notice as she came to a stop.
“Howdy there, Pinkie! What can I…” Applejack trailed off as her gaze shifted from Pinkie’s mane to her tail. “Watch the cart for a minute,” she said to the unicorns as she stepped out from behind it. “Is something wrong, Sugarcube? Ya don’t seem quite like yourself.”
“Don’t be silly, Applejack. Why wouldn’t everything be okay?” Pinkie said.
Applejack lifted a hoof and pointed it at Pinkie’s face for a moment, but then it drifted to the side and toward her hindquarters as her mouth opened and closed, searching for words. “I don’t suppose you got a mirror lyin’ around somewhere, do ya?” Applejack finally said.
“Of course I do,” Pinkie said as she grabbed Lyra off the street and pulled a small mirror from her mane. “I always keep a few stashed around Ponyville—”
“Mirror emergencies. Right,” Applejack said as Lyra bolted. “Now, just have a quick look at yourself and tell me if that don’t seem strange to you.”
Pinkie lifted the mirror and stared at her reflection. “What am I supposed to be looking for?”
“How about your mane? The last time it got like that was when—” Her comment was cut short as Pinkie shoved a hoof into her own mouth and blew. With a pop, her hair went back to its usual curly style.
“How’s that?”
“Uh… That’s better, I guess,” Applejack said.
“Great! So tell me,” Pinkie said as she sidled closer to give a conspiratorial whisper, ‘how much do you want a party right now?”
“I don’t reckon I’m in much of a partyin’ mood now. Sorry, Pinkie.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Pinkie said as she put a hoof over Applejack’s withers. “Things are bad enough right now that nopony wants a party.”
“Yeah, and I’m real sorry about that, Pinkie,” Applejack said as they walked back to the cart.
Pinkie picked up a particularly large, juicy-looking apple and bounced it on her head. “It’s okay, AJ. Everypony will want a party soon enough.” One final bounce sent the apple sailing back to the basket, neatly landing in exactly the same spot she had taken it from, but sporting one new addition: a red tack, driven neatly into the side of the fruit. The camouflage was effective enough on its own, but just to be safe, she made sure the apple landed with that side facing down.
“What makes you say that?” Applejack said as Pinkie picked up another apple, repeating the process.
“Oh, I just have a feeling that things will get a lot worse before long, and then everypony will realize just how bad they need a party.” Pinkie gave the apple on her head one last bounce, and it plopped back into the basket sporting another hidden tack.
“I dunno about that, Sugarcube,” Applejack said as she scratched the side of her head. “Seems to me things are startin’ to settle down a mite.”
“That’s not what my Pinkie Sense is saying.”
Applejack’s hoof froze at the side of her face. “Your Pinkie Sense is saying somethin’ bad will happen?”
“Uh huh.”
“Is it worse than a twitchy tail?” said Applejack, the sheen of sweat on her coat intensifying.
“Yep,” said Pinkie, bouncing a series of apples off her head, inserting tacks into them assembly line style.
“What about that time your whole body started shaking and we almost got eaten by a hydra. Is it that bad?”
Pinkie leaned in toward Applejack until their muzzles were nearly touching. Her own eyes were narrowed dangerously, but Applejack’s were wide with panic. “Worse.”.
As Pinkie pulled back, Applejack started to sway, her eyes rolling slightly.
Bouncing away, Pinkie yelled, “See you later, AJ!”
Applejack found her footing again just in time to grab Pinkie’s tail between her teeth. “Wait a cotton pickin’ minute there, Pinkie! Where in tarnation are ya off to now?”
“I have to go back to Fluttershy’s. I left my favorite blowgun over there.”
“Ain’t that kinda unimportant right now?” said Applejack, scratching her head. “If something bad’s gonna happen, you need to warn everypony.”
Pinkie grinned and said, “Oh, don’t worry about that. I plan to visit everypony in town today!” As Applejack breathed a sigh of relief, she slipped away.
As the sounds of a hundred angry animals waging war on her lawn drifted in through her bedroom windows, Fluttershy frantically flipped through the pages in her book. “Don’t be shy; look… No. When somepony tries to block… No, that won’t do either!”
As page after page flipped, the violence outside continued to intensify. “Cut in line; I’ll take… No, they’re not cutting in a line. When your kids fight or pout… No, they’re not my…” Halfway through turning the page, Fluttershy stopped. “Well, I suppose they are sort of like my children. Let’s see. ‘When your kids fight or pout, put them in time-out.’ But how—”
Fluttershy’s eyes lit up as she glanced out the window and spotted Freefeather’s cart, still piled high with various crates and cages. “That’s it!”
Using flying skills that would impress any drunken albatross in the world, Fluttershy dove through her window and sped toward the cart. In moments, she had hitched herself up to it and started dragging the heavy load around the cottage, grunting and straining her muscles with every step. Halfway there, she stopped when she spotted a vaguely familiar pony shoving a carved and polished stick into a knothole in a nearby tree. “Pinkie?” she said timidly.
“Hey, Fluttershy!” Pinkie Pie said in her usual exuberant voice, despite her coat being a couple of shades darker than normal and her mane being nearly flat. “What’s up?”
Instead of replying, Fluttershy pointed to the dust cloud full of screaming critters. “Oh,” said Pinkie. “Looks like you’ve really got your hooves full. Need some help?”
“Actually, that would be a big help,” Fluttershy said as she wiped the sweat from her brow. “Could you help me get this cart closer to them?”
“Okie dokie lokie,” Pinkie said as she merrily fell in behind the cart, pushing while Fluttershy pulled from the front. Having an extra pony to help out sped up the task, and the cart was soon parked beside the wild ruckus.
“Fracas!” said Pinkie.
“What did you say, Pinkie?” Fluttershy said as she removed the harness.
Pinkie skipped around to the front of the cart. “Don’t worry about it. You wouldn’t understand.”
“I know what a fracas is,” Fluttershy said quietly.
Pinkie stepped close to the noisy cloud of flying fur and poked a hoof at it. She jerked it back as a stray claw sliced a lock of hair from her fetlock, watching in silence as the tuft of pink vanished into the dome of swirling debris. “So what now?”
“I don’t know,” said Fluttershy. “Iron Will had some slogans that I could use, but I just don’t know. What if they don’t forgive me?”
Pinkie laid a hoof on Fluttershy’s shoulder and looked into her eyes. “Fluttershy, trust me. It’s for the best. The normal you is the pony these animals deserve, but you’re not the pony they need right now. They need a new Fluttershy.”
Fluttershy closed her eyes and nodded. When she opened them again a moment later, they were clear and focused. “You’re right, Pinkie. If New Fluttershy is what they need, that’s what I’ll become!”
“Attagirl! Go get ‘em!” Pinkie said as she withdrew her hoof and stepped aside.
Without a moment’s hesitation, Fluttershy stepped toward the cloud and jammed her hoof inside it. She yanked it back out a moment later, holding a crazed squirrel with half of its fur missing. It struggled in her grip until she raised it to her face, but the ferocity in her eyes paralyzed it. Still holding the petrified critter, she marched to the cart and tossed it unceremoniously into one of the cages, then slammed it shut.
Behind her back, Pinkie’s smile morphed into a sinister grin.
As she returned to the melee, a spider monkey dove from a tree branch, then emerged from the cloud a moment later, holding an irate racoon. It held the racoon out to Fluttershy, who snatched it up in her hooves and glared it into submission, then shoved it into another cage.
When she returned to the battle, the spider monkey was straining to hold a wallaby for her. One stare later, another cage was occupied. Fluttershy and the monkey—occasionally aided by Pinkie, who was wielding an oversized butterfly net that had been hidden somewhere in the chicken coop—removed the unruly critters one-by-one, and the dust cloud steadily dwindled.
At last, they finally reached in and grabbed the last two animals, a plucked buzzard and its chicken adversary, from the cloud, which dissipated completely by the time they had been imprisoned.
Fluttershy slapped her hoof against the monkey’s hand as they looked at the occupied crates atop the cart. “Thank you so much for all of your help, little friend,” Fluttershy said.
The monkey nodded at her, then blew a raspberry at the caged critters.
Fluttershy turned to face Pinkie, who was emerging from the chicken coop after stashing her net. “And thank you for all your help too, Pinkie.”
“No problem! Now, how about we go into town to celebrate your victory?” Pinkie said. Her grin didn’t quite match up with the way her eyes were narrowed, but Fluttershy shook her head and disregarded it.
“Sure, but I need to get an envelope first,” Fluttershy said as she trotted toward her cottage.
Pinkie fell in beside her, the spider monkey riding on her back. “Oh? Who ya mailing?”
“Iron Will. Since his lessons turned out to be useful after all, I really should pay him.” Fluttershy went into the cottage, leaving Pinkie outside to play with the monkey. When she returned, carrying an envelope full of bits under one of her wings, she found Pinkie putting a bandolier on the monkey. It was covered in pouches, and knowing Pinkie, they were all filled with ridiculous items of questionable usefulness.
“Okay, Pinkie. I’m ready to go now.”
“Great! I was just teaching this little guy a few tricks he’ll need to know while we’re in town,” Pinkie said.
“Oh, goodness!” Fluttershy said as they crossed the bridge over the stream outside her house. “I need to say goodbye to Angel Bunny. Which cage did you put him in?”
Pinkie tilted her head. “What are you talking about? Didn’t you get him?”
“No.” Fluttershy looked back at the battlefield, then to the cages, and finally back to the monkey on Pinkie’s back. “What about you? Did you catch a white rabbit?”
The monkey shook its head.
“Oh no…” Fluttershy took flight, her forgotten envelope hitting the ground with a clatter, and rushed over to the cart. By the time Pinkie caught up, she had already counted the animals in a quarter of the cages. “Pinkie, go count the chickens and the animals in the pens.”
A few minutes later, the count was in and the numbers were tallied. “So it looks like we’re eight animals short,” Pinkie said, staring at a piece of paper covered in incomprehensible doodles. “Where do you think they are?”
Fluttershy’s eyes narrowed as she walked silently toward the battlefield. On the other side, several sets of tracks led away from the cottage and headed in the direction of the town. She growled and stomped on one of the rabbit tracks as Pinkie and the monkey walked up beside her. “They escaped”—her eyes narrowed and her voice fell to a dangerous whisper—”but we’re going to find them.”
Angel’s world had become one of flying dirt, unrelenting noise, and frequent pain. The brown rabbit had wasted no time in jumping onto him as soon as the battle began, but after exchanging a few blows, he lost sight of her amidst the turmoil. From there, it became a constant effort to stay away from the claws and teeth of the larger animals.
By the time he spotted the brown rabbit again, he was almost unrecognizable. Much of his white fur was gone, and the rest was covered in detritus. Her eyes passed right over him before she moved on to kick a squirrel in the face. When it fell on its back, she hopped onto its stomach and continued to pound on it as Angel hopped toward her.
When he was close enough, he lashed out with a kick, but the brown rabbit saw it coming in the nick of time and rolled off the squirrel. The two glared at one another as the battle raged around them. A shriek from the dazed squirrel signaled them, and they both charged. They each planted their legs in preparation for a flying kick, but were cut off when a wall of yellow appeared in front of them.
The pony leg thrust itself directly between them and felt around for just a moment before grabbing the squirrel and yanking it out of the cloud of swirling debris. A moment of silent understanding passed between the two rabbits, and they both hopped to the edge of the battlefield. They poked their heads out just as a cage door was slamming shut.
The yellow bird pony was stomping. Her eyes were frozen in a perpetual glare. It was like she had been replaced by a completely different bird pony. Angel had only seen her like that once before, the time he had pushed her too far with his demand for that delicious-looking salad.
As she approached the cloud, he pulled his head back inside and stepped back several paces. His gaze crossed that of the brown rabbit once more, and understanding again passed between them; their fighting had created a far worse enemy than one another.
Suddenly, a much larger animal appeared in the midst of the melee. The monkey glanced around briefly, but its eyes locked onto the brown rabbit. It grinned at them, showing its canines too clearly to be a benign gesture. Suddenly, it charged forward, screeching.
Angel acted instinctually, rushing forward and knocking the brown rabbit out of the monkey’s path. It swiped at the air where the bunny had been, then skidded to a halt and turned around. It snarled at the two rabbits and took a step forward, but it was interrupted when a raccoon came flying toward it, hurled by some other critter. The monkey caught it, but couldn’t let go because the raccoon immediately started clawing at it. Growling softly, it was forced to retreat with its new prize.
They had to leave. Between the bird pony and that monkey… and now apparently something swinging a huge net, there were too many threats to overcome. They were all going to be captured and imprisoned if they stayed.
With a nod to the brown rabbit, Angel took off toward the other side of the battleground. As he dodged through the fracas, his fellow bunny in tow, he occasionally caught the eye of another friendly animal and signaled for it to follow. The brown rabbit did the same.
Finally, the two rabbits—accompanied by a cat, a chicken, a possum carrying a lizard and a field mouse on its back, and a bat—burst out of the debris cloud and scampered away from the scene.
Several minutes later, they gradually slowed to a halt and took shelter in an empty hollow at the edge of the woods to rest, halfway between the bird pony’s nest and the nearby pony hive. Angel hid behind a small bush at the edge and kept his attention focused in the direction of home.
The sounds of battle had faded into the distance, or perhaps they had simply been quelled by the bird pony and her allies. Thankfully, there was no sign of pursuit, so their escape had probably gone unnoticed. His attention was soon drawn by a thumping sound behind him.
The source of the sound was the brown rabbit, tapping her foot on the ground. Angel sighed, then turned around and slowly hopped toward it. In a move that completely failed to surprise him, the brown rabbit shoved him when he got close.
Angel regained his balance and stepped toward her, standing taller than his usual posture, but she recoiled. He stopped, and she slowly leaned in again, then nudged him more gently. Following her lead, Angel allowed himself to be turned around. In a move that did surprise him, the brown rabbit turned around and started sweeping the dust off him with her own filthy tail.
Angel stood still for a couple of minutes, allowing the other rabbit to clean him, while the other animals made peace with one another and enjoyed the temporary reprieve from the stifling heat. While he enjoyed the feeling of having his coat cleaned, the possum and cat sniffed at each other. The lizard and mouse sat side-by-side on a fallen branch. Nearby, the chicken was trying its best to hang upside down like the bat, but it had picked a weak branch in a small shrub for its experiment, so it was really just doing a headstand.
The tranquil moment ended, however, when voices reached Angel’s ears. The brown one had heard them too, and they both moved slowly to the edge.
In the distance, the yellow bird pony was marching along the treeline, followed closely by a pink pony he didn’t recognize with a monkey riding on its back. The bird pony was stopping every few steps to stare at the ground for some reason. The brown rabbit’s whiskers twitched and her foot slowly thumped against the dirt while they watched until, finally, Angel’s patience broke. He turned around to kick her overly energetic foot, but stopped when he saw what was under it.
A footprint.
Every step they took was leaving them, and the bird pony was following the trail.
Angel grabbed the brown rabbit and pulled her deeper into the hollow, then got the attention of the others. To show them the problem, he walked around in a circle while the brown rabbit, who was blessedly quick on the uptake, followed his lead and drew a crude picture of a pony, then traced a line from the pony to each of Angel’s tracks. One by one, understanding dawned on the faces of all the other animals.
All except the chicken. She was a little dense.
Following Angel’s lead, the group resumed its trek toward the pony hive, this time moving inside the treeline. Going through the brush made the journey slower, but it would slow down their pursuers even more.
As they traveled, the group found its rhythm. The bat scouted ahead and signaled the clearest path. As obstacles were encountered, the lizard and mouse made use of their size to find the best route through thick bushes and brambles. The rabbits and chicken were guided and protected by the superior muscle of the possum and cat. Angel, meanwhile, used his knowledge of the area to ensure that they kept traveling in the right direction.
They were nearing the edge of the pony hive when a screech from above drew their attention. The monkey had caught up to them, and was hanging from a branch high above their heads. Angel looked around at his comrades, but the only one who could even reach the monkey was the bat, and it wouldn’t stand a chance in a fight. There was only one sensible option.
He ran.
The others were right on his fluffy tail as he crashed through the brush, leaving a trail of dirty white hairs behind him. The monkey followed behind them, effortlessly moving from branch to branch and screeching at the top of its lungs. The sound of pony voices on their trail drew inexorably closer.
The brush came to an end as the animals emerged into an open field. The hive was nearby, but the ponies were faster, so the animals sprinted for all they were worth, the larger and faster ones carrying the ones who couldn’t keep up. Angel chanced a glance behind him and saw the monkey climbing down from the tree and jumping onto the back of the pink pony as it emerged from the woods. The yellow bird pony was only a step behind, and immediately took to the air to give chase.
She was too far away, though. The animals were too close to the hive and the many hiding places it offered. They passed the first nest and darted around the corner, breaking the bird pony’s line of sight. Other ponies scattered as they stampeded through, zigzagging between nests of varying sizes and shapes.
At last, Angel spotted a suitable hiding place: a small barrel with its lid slightly ajar. He hopped up to the top and helped the others, one at a time, to get over its lip and slide down inside their wooden shelter. Finally, when all the others were inside, he slid the lid into place to complete their concealment.
He had made it just in time. Mere seconds later, he heard the voice of the yellow bird pony and her friend. They passed right by the barrel, and the voices faded around another corner.
They couldn’t stay, however. The barrel was cramped, so they wouldn’t be able to rest there. Angel and the brown rabbit leaped up together and kicked the lid, which flew off with a pop. The two bunnies perched on the top and reached down to help the others climb out, but they all tried to leave at once. Their weight concentrated on one side, the barrel toppled over, spilling them all onto the street.
Angel dusted himself off and started running again. Thankfully, after passing by only a couple of other nests, Angel spotted a familiar face: the white horn pony with purple hair. It was talking to another white horn pony Angel had never seen before, this one with a red mane. It didn’t matter, though. Calming the yellow bird pony was far more important than whatever they were talking about.
Angel had nearly reached her when a demonic voice sent a chill down his spine. “There you are!” The yellow bird pony had spotted them and was bearing down on them again, and the monkey was now riding on her back with a net in its hands.
The ear-splitting cacophony of half a dozen sewing machines faded into a blessedly low roar as Rarity stepped into the sunlight and closed the boutique’s front door behind her. It was still sweltering, but with the sun’s trajectory angling back down toward the western horizon, heralding the impending nightfall, the shadows were lengthening, providing a bit of relief from its rays.
As she walked, carefully weaving her way through the crowds on the street, the noise from the boutique disappeared completely into the distance, only to be replaced by dozens of whining and moaning voices.
She skirted around the edge of a particularly large crowd, all of whom were complaining about the weather to anypony who would listen, as though the rest weren’t also feeling it. The fact that they were crowded together, consolidating their body heat and blocking any breeze that happened to blow through the town, couldn’t have been helping matters. Still, misery loves company, and company was the only thing the overpopulated town had in abundance.
Despite the streets being packed, most of the shops were closed. Mister Breezy’s store had sold out early in the day. All the restaurants were out of food. Even Quills & Sofas was shut down for some reason. The only one Rarity passed that was still open was the joke shop, which didn’t have a single customer.
The crowds started to thin out as she left the town square, and the path was almost completely clear through Ponyville’s most affluent neighborhood. As she walked past the row of large houses, pleasant breezes escaped from some of the open windows, accompanied by the roar of Mr. Breezy’s most powerful—and expensive—merchandise.
A small, polite cough drew Rarity’s attention back to the road in front of. Standing in her path was none other than Silk Satin. “Excuse me,” said Satin,”but you are in my way.”
Rarity’s gaze locked onto Satin’s eyes as her hoof, frozen in mid-step, slowly lowered to the ground. “No, I am quite certain that I am on the correct side of the road,” Rarity replied, a hint of a growl in her voice.
Silk Satin’s eyes narrowed. “I beg to differ,” she said, punctuating the statement with a stamp of her hoof. “Perhaps you failed to notice, but there is no correct side of the road in this backwards little dump you call a town.”
Rarity took a step forward. “Ponyville may not be as glamorous as Canterlot, but the rules of common courtesy still apply.”
Satin narrowed the gap between them even further. “Not as glamorous? This town is a slap to the face of the very concept of elegance, much like those dishrags you call clothing.”
“At least I can conduct my business without resorting to petty thievery!”
Fire flashed in Satin’s eyes as her pupils constricted. She prodded Rarity’s chest with one hoof, driving her backwards as she screamed into her face, “How dare you? You have no right to accuse anypony of thievery after what you did to me.”
Rarity only gave a little ground before catching herself and planting her hooves firmly once more. “Whatever are you talking about? What have I ever stolen from you?”
Satin’s eyes narrowed again, but she withdrew her hoof. Her voice was almost a whisper as she said, “You really don’t know what you did to me?”
“No. I haven’t the faintest idea.”
“Well, let me enlighten you.” Silk Satin took a deep breath, but the words died in her mouth as another screaming voice rang through the empty street.
“There you are!” The voice belonged to Fluttershy.
Rarity spun around and saw her friend swooping down toward a group of fleeing critters. For some reason, a monkey was riding on her back, holding a small tree branch like a lance. Pinkie came bouncing around the corner a moment later, but instead of following Fluttershy, she approached the pair of unicorns.
“Pinkie! What’s going on? Why is Fluttershy chasing those animals? Why is your hair…” As she stared at Pinkie’s flat hairstyle, Rarity tried to take a step back, but just bumped into Satin. “Oh dear.”
“What’s wrong, Rarity?” Pinkie asked.
“Pinkie, dear, please tell me your hair is like that because of the weather.”
Pinkie blew a lock of hair out of her face. “Yep! You guessed it. See?” She shoved a hoof into her mouth and blew. With a pop, her mane inflated to something resembling its original style, but it immediately started to droop like a dying flower.
“I see… Anyway, I’m terribly sorry, Pinkie, but we were discussing something rather important.”
“Oh? Were you confessing to stealing supplies from each others’ shops?”
Silk Satin shoved Rarity aside and stepped toward Pinkie. “Wait a moment! You mean to say that she’s the one who stole my supplies?”
“Ooh! There’s a big crowd over there. I wonder what they’re talking about. See you later, Rarity!” With that, Pinkie bounded away toward the gathering Rarity had previously passed by.
Rarity had only just finished picking herself up after taking a spill from the shove when Satin reappeared in her face. Dust cascaded from Rarity’s coat as she stumbled backwards. She looked around for Pinkie, but the only pink mare in sight was off in the distance, trying to force her way into the large group of ponies—which had at least doubled in size since Rarity passed it—and that one was well-dressed with an elegantly-styled mane.
“How dare you?” screeched Satin. “If you think you can get away with stealing my supplies—”
“Your supplies?” shouted Rarity, suddenly finding her footing and pressing back against Satin. “You’re only saying that so nopony will believe you stole mine!”
“That does it! I’m going to make sure you’re out of business by the end of the week. When I’m done with you, you’ll be begging for bits on the streets!”
“Bring it on, you gaudy, tasteless hussy! I don’t need those things to beat you.”
“Hmph,” they both said at once as they turned their backs to each other and started the march back to their respective shops.
“I can’t believe those blank flanks have a princess on their side now,” Diamond Tiara groaned as she trudged down the road leading back into town.
“Yeah, and they totally don’t deserve it. All they’re doing is yelling,” said Silver Spoon, stumbling along on three legs while she used the other to remove her glasses and wipe the sweat from her brow.
“Hurry up!” Diamond Tiara shouted over the thundering of hundreds of hooves. “You’re slowing us down too much. That crowd is gonna catch up.”
“Okay.” Silver Spoon put her glasses back on and chanced a glance to the rear. The herd of tired, irritable parents and their equally unpleasant foals was closing in on them.
With all four legs back on the ground, Silver Spoon accelerated to a canter. Once the pair had distanced themselves from the tide, they slowed down again. “That was too close,” Silver Spoon said as they approached the town square.
“Thanks to you,” Diamond Tiara replied. “Don’t forget it was my idea to run for it when Cheerilee dismissed everypony. If not for me, we’d be stuck in that herd with all the losers.”
Silver Spoon sighed, but held her tongue.
The duo rounded the last corner on their route, still leading at least half of the ponies from the school, and started the walk past the row of houses that ended with their own homes. They had barely taken a few steps, however, before they were forced to slow down by a crowd of ponies taking up most of the street.
Their slight hesitation allowed the throng to catch up to them, and before they could react, dozens of ponies had filed around them and begun to march through the narrow space remaining.
“Just great,” Diamond Tiara muttered. “I guess this means we have to push our way through. Come on, Silver Spoon.”
With Diamond Tiara in the lead, the pair pressed into the milling crowd. “Hey! Watch it!” Silver Spoon yelled as a sweaty tail flicked into her face. Diamond Tiara pushed too hard on a unicorn’s legs and was nearly crushed when the mare shrieked and toppled over.
The pair screamed in frustration at the same time as their efforts to pass were continually stymied, but they weren’t loud enough to be noticed over the chatter. “It’s no good, Diamond,” said Silver Spoon. “We’ll never get through unless somepony can get their attention.”
Diamond Tiara snarled through gritted teeth. “Well, unless you can be as loud as the Cutie Mark Goof-saders, that’s not going to happen.” She tried to throw her hooves into the air, but wound up smacking the legs of two adults. “It’s so unfair! Why do they get to hang out with Princess Luna instead of us?”
The chatter died out. Suddenly, instead of being pushed backwards, the legs of the crowd started to push the two forward, bringing them to a stop in the center of the crowd. While they stood in the center, fidgeting under a dozen gazes, hushed whispers started sweeping through the crowd. As the murmuring reached the outskirts of the group, the ponies passing by also stopped and joined the crowd.
“Do you two fillies know Princess Luna?” asked one of the mares.
Another mare, a local earth pony, said, “Were you at court? Can you tell us what exactly happened there?”
The questions started to flood in after that: two, three, four, and even more at once. The fillies’ ears rang as the full force of the crowd’s collective vocal ability was directed at them. Without even realizing what they were doing, the duo sank lower and lower, until they were flat on their bellies with their hooves pressed down over their heads in a desperate bid to block out the cacophony.
“I say! Please be quiet for a moment!” said a new voice, ringing out loud above the din. The brutal onslaught of incalculable decibels lowered to whispers. Diamond Tiara removed the hooves from her head and opened an eye to peek at the source of the voice.
The stylishly coifed mane of dull pink she found herself staring at was familiar, although she was wearing a different dress over her pink coat, and practically glowing from the reflections of the sunlight off the diamonds she wore around her neck and in her hair.
“Now then,” the snooty-sounding mare said, “what were you girls saying about Princess Luna?”
Diamond Tiara looked away from the radiant pony. “It’s nothing, ma’am. Really.”
“Yeah. We just want to get home,” said Silver Spoon.
“Of course, but please, do tell us a little about Princess Luna and these other ponies you mentioned, won’t you?” The rest of the crowd murmured in agreement.
“Well… I guess we can,” Diamond Tiara said. “We were just upset because,”—she paused for a moment as a wry smile formed on her face—”these three ponies who call themselves the Cutie Mark Crusaders are monopolizing all of Princess Luna’s time and keeping her away from all her other subjects!”
The crowd gasped.
Following Diamond Tiara’s lead, Silver Spoon added, “Yeah, they’re horrible ponies. They don’t have cutie marks, so they’re jealous of everypony else, and they want us all to suffer.”
The crowd gasped again.
The pink mare, however, simply smirked. Raising her head to address the crowd instead of speaking to the fillies, she said, “And that’s the sort of ponies Princess Luna associates with? She must want us all to suffer as well!”
The ponies in the crowd took a moment to breathe deeply and recover from their previous gasping, then gasped again.
“Scandalous!”
“Does she really think she can get away with this?”
“How is that any worse than Princess Celestia trying to cook us all, though?”
“Maybe that’s just Nightmare Moon’s new strategy!”
“That can’t be right! She’s raising the moon early tonight to help us!”
“You want to trust her over Princess Celestia?”
“You want to trust Princess Celestia when we’re all getting sunburned because she messed up?”
“We should confront them both and find out who’s turned evil for ourselves!”
The rest of the crowd roared its approval, and the entire herd stampeded away toward the town hall.
Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon stood in the abandoned street, staring blankly at the dust cloud rampaging through the streets. A chuckle behind them alerted them to the presence of the last remaining pony, the pink mare who had started the whole thing. Grinning from ear to ear, she said, “I can’t believe everything is working out so well. This party is going to be the best one ever!” With a giggle, she bounced away, bits of costume jewelry falling away with every hop.
“Was that Pinkie Pie?” Diamond Tiara asked.
“I don’t know,” Silver Spoon said, shaking her head. “I didn’t see anything.”
“Yeah, I think you’re right. We were never here.”
“Thy petition is denied,” the Cutie Mark Crusaders shouted. “We see through thy plan for those cows, and We are disgusted by it. Begone from Our sight at once!”
“Wait. What plans?” Scootaloo asked. Luna scribbled another note and levitated it over to her.
Sweetie Belle craned her neck, trying to get a look. “What’s it say?”
Scootaloo sighed. “It says we’re too young to know that.”
“Awwwww,” said Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom.
“Trust me, girls,” Twilight said, holding a hoof to her mouth and gulping occasionally to combat her nausea, “you really don’t want to know.”
Luna giggled silently as the herald called for the next petitioner. However, as the sweaty unicorn stepped forward to present his case, Luna’s attention was drawn to her teacup—which was actually Celestia’s teacup, if one were to insist on factual accuracy, but Luna was drinking from it—which had begun shaking. As she lifted it with her magic to keep it from falling onto the floor, the other ponies in the room noticed the windows starting to rattle. The rumbling of hooves could be heard outside, getting louder by the second.
She scribbled another note and passed it to the Crusaders. “Please remain calm. We shall investigate this disturbance Ourselves,” they yelled.
As she stood up, the doors were flung open and the guards posted outside were pressed indoors by a horde of irate unicorns, a few earth ponies scattered among them. The rest of the room quickly devolved into panic, and the guards were just looking from side to side, unsure of which problem to address.
Twilight called for order, but her voice was lost over the yelling, screaming, and wailing that filled the room. In typical Twilight fashion, however, she learned from her mistake quickly and handed a note of her own to the fillies.
“Be still!” they shouted. It captured the attention of the entire room and silenced the mob almost as effectively as Celestia or Luna could have done it.
Luna looked to Twilight and cocked her head. “Well, it works for you and Celestia,” said Twilight, shrugging. Luna smirked and nodded, then picked up her own note pad.
“What is the meaning of this intrusion?” the Crusaders yelled, reading Luna’s next prompt.
“Your majesty ,” a Canterlot mare said as she stepped forward, practically spitting the title, “we are here to speak to Princess Celestia concerning your blatant disregard for the needs of your subjects!”
“Please explain thy...” The fillies trailed off as they stared at the paper.
They whispered back and forth for a few seconds before Apple Bloom turned around to face Twilight and whispered, “What’s this say?”
“Grievances.”
“Ahhhh,” said the Crusaders. “Please explain thy grievances.”
The protester rubbed one of her ears and glared at the three fillies before responding. “You have been ignoring the most faithful of your subjects in favor of—”
“Wait a minute!” shouted another unicorn, this one a stallion. “She does not speak for all of us, Your Highness. My complaint is against Princess Celestia!”
Luna facehoofed as the two protesters started shouting at each other. Within moments, they were joined by others, and the entire room was filled with angry voices again.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders were shrinking back against the stage, their hooves over their ears to block out the noise. Twilight’s head was jerking back and forth; random locks of her mane were popping up again, and the corner of her mouth twitched in sync with her brow.
There was only one thing to do in such a situation. Luna sat up even straighter, squared her jaw, took a deep breath, and scribbled a new note as she slouched and sighed.
Find Celestia.
As she read the words for the third time, Twilight’s twitching came to a stop. With a nod to Luna, she stood up and trotted out of sight, then broke into a gallop on her way to the door. She was nearly there when she stepped on a loose board. She shrieked as her hoof fell through the floor. The remaining breath was knocked out of her when she came crashing down on her barrel as the other end of the board rose up to say hello, face to face.
She picked herself up and set the board back in place with her magic while rubbing her bruised muzzle. While she cast a spell to secure the board in place, a particularly loud voice made its way behind the curtain. It was a mare screaming, “Did you hear that? She sent Princess Twilight out of sight so she could do away with her!”
The argument became even louder. Twilight hesitated, glancing back and forth between the curtain and the exit, but eventually chose to leave. When her magic pushed the door open and the heat flooded in, her sweat glands preemptively leapt into action and coated her with a glistening layer of moisture before she even stepped outside.
She pressed herself through the door and looked around. The sun was on its way down, but the temperature was still oppressively high, making it a chore just to breathe properly. Sighing, Twilight looked up at the sky. The search would be so much easier from up there, she thought, but the air is probably too thin. Just to be sure, she made a few experimental flaps with her wings, but she couldn’t get enough lift to take off.
Setting off down the street at a trot, she glanced to and fro, her vision lingering on any white pony who looked larger than normal. The first one looked promising, but as she approached and the heat distortion faded, it turned out to be the local DJ, who was dealing with the weather by wearing a second pair of shades over her usual ones.
“Hi, Twilight,” said Vinyl. “Need something?”
“No. Sorry. I didn’t mean to bother you. I’m just looking for somepony.”
“No problem. Seeya later!”
Twilight watched for a moment as Vinyl meandered away in the direction of the market, leaving a trail of sweat on the ground that evaporated within seconds of her passing. She sighed again and kept looking around. After a moment, she spotted her next prospect, a light-colored pony with visible pink and blue in her mane. She called out to her, “Princess Celestia!”
The other mare turned and looked at her, then trotted forward. As she approached, however, her form became clearer.
“Are you okay, Twilight?” said Bon Bon.
“Yeah. Sorry about that,” said Twilight, her head hanging low. “I’m just looking for Princess Celestia. Have you seen her?”
Bon Bon’s eyes shot open, despite the sun looming large in her field of vision. Spitting the words as quickly as her mouth could move, she said, “Oh no. Is something wrong with Princess Celestia? Did something happen to her? Did somepony hurt her? Has she been banished to the sun or imprisoned in the moon? Or banished to the moon and imprisoned in the sun?”
Twilight waved her hooves frantically. “No! It’s nothing like that! It’s just—”
“Hey, what’s going on here, Bon Bon?” Lyra said as she trotted up beside Twilight.
Twilight turned to her and said, “It’s nothing. She just thinks—”
“We’re doomed!”
“We’re not doomed, Bon Bon,” said Twilight, but her voice was too muted by the hoof in front of her, busily pressing an indentation in the shape of a horseshoe into her face, and the sound couldn’t carry above Bon Bon’s wailing.
Other ponies started to gather around them, drawn by the racket. A dozen conversations battled for attention.
“—say we’re doomed?”
“Celestia’s missing?”
Twilight’s brow started twitching.
“—imprisoned her somewhere!”
“Princess Luna must have turned back into—”
The twitching spread down Twilight’s cheeks, infected her lips, and laid claim to her neck for good measure.
“—anypony possibly save—”
“We’re all doomed!”
When her facial ticks reached unsustainable levels, Twilight’s patience snapped. She screamed and ran in the opposite direction. Houses and shops flashed by in her peripheral vision, but she stayed focused on what was ahead of her, dodging ponies and other obstacles in her path as she sprinted aimlessly. Finally, when the homes and storefronts had given way to market stalls, she stopped and took several deep breaths, slowly calming herself down.
Suddenly, she caught sight of a large white mare just down the street. All her efforts were undone in an instant as she gasped and ran toward… Vinyl Scratch. Again.
“Twilight? Are you following me or something?”
As Twilight screamed and ran off in a different direction, an old cautionary tale of magical misuse flashed through her memory.
* * * * *
Once upon a time, there lived a Unicorn named Sage Pearl. She was a young mare, but wise beyond her years. Being a generous and compassionate soul, she chose to offer her wisdom to the earth ponies, and so she settled in one of their villages. Because she was wiser than their oldest sage, they honored her by making her the town’s magistrate.
One day, two of the farmers brought a dispute before her. They each had a claim to the same herd of cows. She listened to their arguments for hours on end, patiently taking every fact into account.
At last, when the farmers had finished presenting their cases, she told them she would need a full night for her deliberations and sent them away until the morning. All night long, she worked, toiling tirelessly for the sake of her beloved peasants, until the finally found a solution that should make everypony happy.
In the morning, the two farmers returned. “Before I give my verdict, do you acknowledge my impartiality in this matter,” Sage Pearl asked them in the proper manner of Unicorn courts. They both nodded their assent. “Furthermore, do you swear to abide by my ruling?”
“We do swear, Your Honor,” said the earth ponies.
Sage Pearl stood up to address the entire court. “Very well,” she said. “I have reached a verdict in this dispute which should satisfy both parties and provide them with equal benefits. By Unicorn custom, I now bind you to this decision.” Her spell took hold within the two earth ponies, ensuring that they would obey her instructions forevermore, until either one of them perished, or until her own life ended.
“It is my decision that you”—she pointed to the first farmer—”shall retain possession of the entire herd and shall oversee their care.” Appreciating the wisdom of her decision, the earth pony shouted joyfully.
“It is also my decision that you”—she pointed to the second farmer—”having an equal claim, shall share in the bounties of the herd. All the milk produced by the cows, which your neighbor shall gather each morning, will be delivered to you immediately.” Appreciating the wisdom of her decision, the earth pony shouted joyously.
However, the first farmer became displeased upon hearing that his neighbor had been treated so fairly. He protested the verdict and proclaimed its unfairness to all who would hear.
“Good farmer,” said Sage Pearl, “you have agreed that I am impartial, and you have agreed to abide by my decision. By the magic of the Unicorn race, you are bound to this verdict, and it is bound to me. You will be compelled to abide by it until any one of us perishes.”
And so the jealous, foolish farmer strangled the life out of wise Sage Pearl.
Wise little Unicorn, remember the tale of Sage Pearl, and know that your lessers will not appreciate your wisdom. Use not your magic to guide the path of those who do not know reason, lest their foolishness destroy you.
* * * * *
When Twilight finally caught her breath and regained her senses, she looked to the sky once more. There’s no way I can find Celestia down here. If only my wings were strong enough to fly in this weather. She looked at the wings on her back and flexed them a few times while she pondered her circumstances. Wait a minute! I may not be able to fly today, but I know somepony who should be able to do it!
Once again, Twilight sprinted through the streets of the town. The difference this time, however, was that she was running toward something, not running away. In a few minutes, she arrived at her destination at the town’s edge.
Rainbow Dash’s cloud home was right where it was supposed to be, but for some reason, there was a mass of cotton candy on the ground next to it, oozing—and occasionally sputtering—brown fluid. Twilight shook her head at the sight, but otherwise ignored it.
In a flash of violet light, she disappeared from the ground and popped back into existence on Rainbow’s front porch. Grinning widely, she took a moment to poke and prod the cloud under her hooves before knocking on the door. Finally, when she was finished having her fun, she approached the door, raised a hoof to knock, slipped into a giggling fit, and flopped over onto the cloud to enjoy the feel of it under her back and wings.
Finally, Twilight got it out of her system and returned to the door. She knocked and waited. There was no answer.
She knocked again and waited. Again, Rainbow didn’t answer, so she yelled, “Rainbow, are you in there?”
After calling out several times, Twilight growled and kicked a stray bit of cloud. It popped like a balloon and dissipated into the sweltering air.
“Well, if Rainbow isn’t here, I’ll just have to find another pegasus,” Twilight said to no one at all. Her horn ignited as she channeled the energy for another teleportation spell, but moments before releasing it and returning to the ground, she spotted the other clouds in the sky above Ponyville, strategically placed by the weather patrol in an attempt to mitigate the heat. She changed her target at the last possible second and appeared on another cloud.
“Maybe I still can’t fly, but for right now, this will do just fine.”
Rainbow Dash sat stock-still in near-total darkness and silence. The only sounds were her own shallow breaths and Tank’s occasional noises. The only light was a tiny sliver of sunlight penetrating a tiny peephole in the closet’s door.
The air in her lungs froze as a knock at the front door resonated through her house. The rotor on Tank’s back started to spin, but Dash blocked it with a hoof and hissed, “Stop that. We don’t want him to hear us.”
Tank blinked at her.
“Of course it’s him. Who else could it be?”
Tank tilted his head.
“Twilight? No way. She’s busy doing princess stuff with—” Another knock resonated through the house, and Rainbow silenced herself by covering her mouth with both of her front hooves.
The obstruction removed, Tank fired up his rotor again and hovered toward the closet door. Before he could push it open, however, Rainbow leaned forward and caught the spinning blade in her teeth.
Tank started to roll his eyes, but stopped halfway after a few seconds when Twilight’s voice echoed through the hallway. “Rainbow, are you in there?” He tilted his head again.
Rainbow Dash shook her head. “It’s not really her, Tank. Discord’s just trying to trick me into coming out so he can destroy my house like I wrecked his.”
Tank opened his mouth to make a sound, but Rainbow pressed it shut again between her hooves. “No. We’re not going out there, and that’s final. Now be quiet and wait.”
Amidst the clouds hanging over Ponyville, offering patches of shade for those fortunate enough to squeeze into them, one didn’t fit in. While most were white or various shades of gray, it was pink. Also unlike the other clouds, no ponies were taking refuge under it. The few who had tried were rewarded for their bravery with a brief shower of scalding chocolate milk.
Atop the cloud sat a throne made of a thousand horns and antlers, all held together by melted marshmallow. Upon the throne sat Discord. In his paw, he held a bucket, from which his talon grabbed fistfuls of peppermint popcorn as he watched the ponies going about their business through a pair of 3D glasses.
Their shouts filled the air from one end of the town to the other. He watched as a green pegasus shoved a red unicorn into a mailbox and slapped a stamp on her flank. A few seconds later, a gray mailmare arrived, stuffed the unicorn into a bag, and trotted away.
In the distance, guards were shoving a horde of ponies out of the town hall. Another crowd had gathered in the market, surrounding one particular stall. An orange pony stood in front of it, shouting something back at them and waving her hooves, but they were slowly pressing in toward her, and she was giving ground. Two other ponies were cowering behind the cart.
Even Fluttershy was contributing to the madness, swooping through the town in pursuit of a group of animals with a monkey riding on her back.
To his side, a flash of golden light heralded the arrival of a guest. “Good afternoon, Celestia,” Discord said as he took off the glasses and shoved them up his own nose.
“Hello, Discord. Would you mind a bit of company?”
“But of course! Have a seat and enjoy the chaos! It’s much better than that boring view from your balcony in Canterlot.” Discord’s throne slid to the edge of the cloud, making room for Celestia, who sat down on the sticky surface without a second thought. Instead of talking, she just stared into the distance, frowning.
Discord tired of the silence in less than ten seconds. “I hear you’ve been shirking your duties and hiding from Twilight. Can’t say I blame you, really.”
Celestia gave a half-nod, followed by a shrug. The frown never left her face.
“She was here looking for you a few minutes ago. She said there’s an emergency, and she’ll be waiting for you at the library.”
Celestia’s eyes narrowed, still focused somewhere in the distance, as she muttered, “I’m sure it’s nothing Luna can’t handle without me.”
“I don’t know about that. After all, even I never considered using the sun to bake all of Equestria at once!” he said, sneering. She still didn’t respond to his taunting. “So… Is there something you wanted?”
“I just needed a break”—she sighed—”and as sad as it is for me to say this, you’re the closest thing to a sane pony left in this town.”
Discord grinned and gestured outward at it. “I know! It’s delightful, isn’t it? All these ponies spreading so much chaos, and all I have to do is sit back and watch it happen!”
“I’m glad you’re in such such good spirits,” said Celestia, her head hanging and eyes half-lidded. “We both have the same problem, but you seem to be handling it much better than me.”
Scratching his head, Discord said, “Pardon me if I’m being dense, but I don’t see how any of this is a problem for me at all.”
Celestia looked up at him with her head cocked, and her eyes opened wide. “Really? You haven’t noticed yet?”
“What could I have missed?” Discord cackled madly for a few seconds, then turned back to Celestia and grinned at her. “Your little ponies are creating as much chaos as I could do on my best day, and they’re doing it all on their own!”
Celestia’s lips curved upwards tremulously, managing to form a half-hearted smirk as she said, “That’s the problem.”
Discord scoffed. “You’re not making any sense.” He scratched his head again for a moment, then popped the antler from his head and scratched his back with it.
Sighing, Celestia said, “You’re partially right, Discord. There’s as much disharmony out there”—she gestured at the town—”as you’ve ever dreamed. However, just like my problem is that the ponies down there don’t seem to need, or want, my help anymore, yours is that they didn’t need you either.”
The pair fell into an extended silence as they stared out into the mayhem together; Discord stood at the edge of the cloud, stroking his beard, while Celestia pawed at the cotton candy with one of her hooves.
It was Discord who broke the silence. “If the ponies can cause so much chaos on their own, there’s no need for me anymore, is there?”
“No.”
Discord’s gaze hardened and his jaw set. “Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Celestia, but I won’t accept it.”
Celestia stood up. “Discord, wait. You can’t ju—”
Her voice vanished as Discord appeared on the ground. The nearby ponies all gasped or screamed at his appearance, and he took half a step toward a group of them before something crashed into the back of his head.
“Oops. My bad,” the gray mailmare said as she picked herself up. Discord stood up and watched her as she wobbled through the air and landed next to a green pegasus mare. “This was marked ‘Return to Sender.’ Sorry.” She reached into her sack and pulled out a red mare with a big “RTS” sticker on her flank.
The pegasus’ eyes flew open and she flapped her wings, but she couldn’t get any lift and was helpless when the red unicorn fired a spell at her that made all of her feathers fall out. With a “Hmph,” the unicorn stomped off.
Nopony was even looking at Discord anymore.
He walked through the streets, getting no more reaction than a few apprehensive stares, until he found himself in the marketplace with a horde of ponies stampeding in his direction.
At the front was Applejack. Even though she was pulling a large cart laden with bushels of apples, she was still managing to outrun the two unicorns behind her, and they were outrunning the mob chasing them. Discord stepped aside to let the stampede pass.
In its wake, when the ponies couldn’t be seen through the dust cloud they left in their wake as they sprinted toward Sweet Apple Acres, Discord looked around. The ground was covered in hoofprints and the smashed remains of apples that had fallen from the cart in Applejack’s hasty retreat. One, however, had remained completely intact.
Discord picked it up. The apple was large and perfectly formed, its skin a flawlessly uniform shade of red. It was perfect.
He tossed it into the air and caught it in his mouth. He bit down and savored the juices as they flooded to every corner of his mouth. Every chomp of his teeth rewarded him with another explosion of flavor, until…
Discord’s eyes bulged. He spat the apple out, spraying bits of fruit all the way across the street and onto a wall. With a wince, he stuck his tongue out and stared at the big red tack piercing it. He reached up with his talon to remove it, panting and grunting as the metal spike slid out of his flesh.
When it was finally free, Discord pulled his tongue out and tossed it aside. A new one instantly grew in its place. He tossed the tack into his mouth and bit down on it. As it crunched between his teeth, he looked around again.
After swallowing, his face fell. He slouched down and sighed. “She was right. I can’t bring chaos and disharmony if everypony else is already doing it.” As he walked away, he slowly shrank to the size of a foal. “I guess this is what it feels like to be downsized.”
“All right, y’all, I think it’s clear,” said Applejack. She was breathing heavily, but her unicorn companions were hardly staying upright as they gasped for air.
Primpernel looked up from her red hooves and said, “Do you really”—she paused and took another deep breath—”think they’ve stopped following us?”
Applejack removed her hat to wipe her brow after unhitching herself from the cart. “I reckon so. We were droppin’ apples behind us the whole way, and we can’t shake ‘em when we’re leaving a trail like that, so they must’ve given up.”
“Thank Celestia!” Brass Belle said as she collapsed onto the dry grass to catch her breath and watch the ground try to soak up drops of her sweat before the sun could evaporate them. While she languished, Primpernel squeezed the moisture out of her hair and worked toward the hopeless goal of getting it back into presentable condition. Applejack walked around the cart, inspecting it for damage.
“All right, gals,” Applejack said after a few minutes. “That’s enough of a break. Let’s get movin’ before we lose the light.” She pointed to the sun, which had nearly reached the horizon. Around them, the shadows had lengthened. The temperature was already starting to drop.
The unicorns groaned and muttered complaints, but they fell in line as Applejack resumed the march to the house. Passing the time in silence, they trudged down the dirt path until, at last, the farmhouse came into view. They had just finished putting the cart into its shed when the sun set and the moon began its trek across the sky.
Once they had all taken a turn in the outdoor shower and rinsed the sweat from their coats, the trio walked into the house. Big McIntosh and the rest of the guests were all sitting at the tables or milling about in the next room. The table had already been set, but Granny Smith was still cooking.
The mood in the house was somber at best. Most of the guests were silent, and what little conversation was being had was conducted in whispers. Big Mac gave Applejack a terse nod as she walked in, but went back to glowering at Blueblood. Blueblood smirked at him and turned to Applejack, wriggling his eyebrow suggestively.
Applejack ignored him and stepped into the kitchen. “What’s goin’ on out there, Granny?”
Granny Smith was standing on her hind legs in front of the stove, stirring the contents of her largest pot. She turned her head to look at Applejack, gave a completely insincere smile, and said, “Never you mind that. Nothin’ at all is wrong. They’re just hungry, is all. Now take this here stew out there and have yourself a seat.”
Applejack grimaced and walked over to the stove, but she didn’t pick up the pot. “Granny, I know you’re lyin’ to me. What’s really going on here?”
Granny Smith looked her in the eyes and set her jaw, but her composure snapped like a twig when Applejack narrowed her eyes. With a sigh, she said, “I’m sorry, Sweet Pea. It’s that Blueblood feller. He’s got everypony all worked up.” Applejack nodded, but waited for her to continue. “He’s been sayin’ some right awful things about ya to everypony, trying to get Big Mac to hit him.”
“And Mac ain’t done it?”
“Nope.”
Applejack picked up a large potholder and slung it over her back, then lifted the pot of stew onto it. “That’s mighty fine of him and all, but why would that stuck-up prince want Big Mac to hurt him?”
“Because if we hurt him, he can take away our farm.”
Applejack stumbled over her own hooves and turned back around to face Granny Smith. “What the hay do you mean? How can he do that?”
“I don’t know. It’s some law about attackin’ royalty.” Granny shooed her toward the dining room. “Now hurry up and get to the table with that.”
Applejack didn’t budge. “Granny, this is too important to be worryin’ about supper.”
Granny tried shoving her directly, but Applejack didn’t budge. “That ain’t what I’m concerned about! You still got that—”
At that moment, the heat from the pot on Applejack’s back worked its way through the potholder, past her coat, and into her skin. With a high-pitched yelp, she bolted toward the living room, then realized she was going the wrong way and turned toward the kitchen, then finally to the dining room.
“In here,” Granny cried from the doorway. “And slow down! You’re spilling it!”
As Applejack reached the table, Big Mac ran into the room and lifted the pot from her back. He set it down on the table and looked her in the eyes. Applejack nodded. “Eeyup,” he said, then walked back to the living room to collect the others.
A few minutes later, the ponies were once again divided among the two tables along racial lines, with one exception. Blueblood had joined the Apples at their table.
Smiling his bowl, he said, “This looks positively dreadful.” Using his magic, he lifted a spoonful of the stew to his mouth. As he chewed, he shuddered dramatically. “My stars! It’s worse than I dared to imagine!”
Applejack looked around the room, but none of the other ponies had anything to say, instead choosing to eat their stew in silence. After another bite, Blueblood continued his mocking, staring directly into Applejack’s eyes: “I daresay the only thing in this room that tastes worse than this stew is your unwashed—”
Granny Smith stamped her hoof on the table, rattling all the bowls on it.
Blueblood glanced at her and smirked before continuing. “Well, I suppose such topics do make poor table conversation. Of course, they need to be mentioned, even if the timing is poor. After all, with such poor hygiene, you’ll never even find another miserable dirt pony who would marry you.”
That was the last straw. Fire flashed in Applejack’s eyes as she stood up and ran around the table. She had nearly reached Blueblood when a wall of red obstructed her path and she ran into her brother’s side. “Move, Mac,” she said as she picked herself up off the floor. “I don’t care what he does. I ain’t gonna let him say those things!”
“Eenope.” Big Mac turned to face her, and time slowed to a crawl as his front hooves planted on the floor and his hind legs coiled up. When he thrust them outward at Blueblood’s face, the prince’s oily smile started to falter. Those hooves were almost as big as his entire head.
The sound when they connected was deafening. When the body slammed into the wall, every picture on it fell to the floor, their glass shattering upon impact. Every knick-knack on the shelves was sent flying, all the breakable ones smashing at various places around the room. The pony slumped on the floor did not move.
But it wasn’t Blueblood.
At the last moment, the gray stallion who had never revealed his own name leapt into the path of the kick and shoved Blueblood aside, taking the full force of the impact in his side.
Nopony moved.
The Apples were all staring without even blinking. The rest of the unicorns twitched uncertainly, but didn’t move. Even Blueblood was frozen by the scene. The first one to snap to her senses was Cirrus, followed closely by Primpernel. They rushed over to the gray stallion and started prodding him to check the extent of his injuries.
After a long moment of silence, Cirrus wiped her brow and said, “He should be okay. He’s just knocked out. Maybe a couple of cracked ribs, but nothing life-threatening.”
“You…”
The others turned to Blueblood. “Y-you brute!” His normally white pace was flushed deep red, well on its way to becoming puce. “Had that hit me, I might have been killed!”
Big Mac narrowed his eyes and whispered, “Eeyup.”
“Mac, now’s not the time,” Applejack said. “We’ve gotta get him”—she motioned to the unconscious unicorn—”into a bed upstairs.” Mac nodded and trotted over to help Hammerspark pick him up, then disappeared up the stairs with his cargo.
As the others stared at the empty staircase, Blueblood cleared his throat. Applejack opened her mouth to yell at him, but he spoke first. “This changes things, you know. I certainly cannot allow myself to be struck by that brute now that I know what a barbarian he is. Therefore, I will allow you the opportunity to surrender peacefully.”
Applejack’s face turned a shade of red to match Bluebloods from moments before. “S-s-surrender?” she yelled. “Why the hay should we surrender to you?”
Blueblood’s face had returned to normal, but his arrogant smirk was gone. His eyes were narrowed and his mouth was set firmly. His posture was as straight as ever, but he looked directly into Applejack’s eyes, rather than down his nose at her. “Because if you do not do as I command, I will take this land by force.”
“And just how do you reckon you can manage that?”
Instead of responding directly to her, he barked a command to the others as Mac and Hammerspark returned. “All of you, outside now.”
The remaining unicorns filed out the door in single file, their heads hanging low and their steps heavy. Garden Melody, Touching Prose, and Hammerspark filed out behind them. The only one to remain was Cirrus Edge.
Blueblood barked at her: “I said to get out, cripple!”
“No.” She stood her ground and stared him in the eyes, her good wing outstretched and her bad one straining against its bandages.
“Suit yourself. You’ll regret your decision soon enough.” Blueblood turned and followed the others through the door, into the yard.
Mac walked over the Applejack and Granny Smith. “AJ, what’s goin’ on?”
“I don’t know,” she said, her voice catching in her throat. “I just don’t know.”
Cirrus walked over to one of the windows. “They’re surrounding the house.”
Applejack walked to the window and sighed as she watched the other ponies spacing themselves out around the house. “So it’s a siege.”
“Eeyup,” said Big Mac, standing by her side.
Granny Smith hobbled over to the window to join them. “Can we beat ‘em, ya reckon?”
“I don’t know, Granny,” Applejack said. “Even if we do, we can’t hurt Blueblood or we’ll lose the farm.”
“Eeyup,” said Big Mac.
“Besides, all we have are the three of us and Cirrus.” Applejack turned to face the pegasus, but she wasn’t by the window any longer. She called out, “Cirrus?”
In the darkened guest room on the second floor of the Apple family home, Cirrus Edge looked out the window. Below her, the unicorns and earth ponies under Blueblood’s command had positioned themselves to act as a barricade. Every exit from the house was covered.
The only way out was to fly.
She bit down on the knot in the bandage on her wing and tugged on the loose end. The whole thing unraveled immediately and fell to the floor. Cirrus flexed her wing and gave it a few experimental flaps to limber it up, then slowly pushed open the window.
Nopony spotted her leaving, and within seconds, she had completely vanished into the night sky.
There Goes the Neighborhood
Interlude: The Second Night
Interlude
The Second Night
As the sun inched toward the horizon, Storm Seeker’s hooves touched down on the ring of clouds known as Library Lookout. The team of sweat-soaked pegasi on the afternoon shift barely even nodded to him as they squirmed in their armor. Paying no mind to their wretched state, Storm trotted over to the mare leading the shift.
“Lieutenant, report.”
Lieutenant Gale Dance saluted sharply, flinging sweat over the edge of the ring and narrowly missing Storm’s face. “Sir, this location is secure. However, there are numerous disturbances around the town.”
Storm nodded and turned toward the town. “Yeah, I noticed. It’s getting pretty bad out there. I almost got trampled by a mob heading to the town hall. Have you heard from the princesses?”
“Only Princess Luna. After that mob drove her out of the town hall, she retreated to the library. Princess Celestia and Princess Twilight departed some time ago, and their whereabouts are currently unknown.”
Shaking his head, Storm said, “Well, that’s just great. Any word from the captain?”
Gale sighed and shook her head. “I’m afraid not, sir. She’s still out on special assignment from Princess Celestia. I have no word on when she’ll return.”
“Wonderful. Absolutely perfect,” Storm grumbled. “Sounds like you guys have been through Tartarus and back.”
“You have no idea. The heat’s been so bad, our armor is practically burning through our coats, and the air’s been too thin for flying. One of my guys went down to check with the guards at the door earlier and couldn’t fly back.” Gale paused for a moment as Storm snickered. “Yeah yeah... Anyway, we had to get one of the unicorns to levitate a rope up here just so we could lift him back up.”
Gale’s face developed a twitch as Storm’s snickering gave way to chuckling, interrupted by the occasional chortle. “And as if that wasn’t bad enough”—she paused to sigh—”we dropped him twice.”
By the time Storm Seeker stopped guffawing, half of his crew had arrived.
The next few minutes passed quickly as, one by one, the others landed on the cloud ring, and Gale continued to report on the day’s events. Finally, as the sun set and the moon began its trip across the sky, the pegasi of the afternoon shift departed, showering the town with their sweat as they returned to the barracks.
The rookie approached Storm, who was peering intently over the edge of the ring, staring at the darkened streets. “Vice-captain,” he said a little too loudly. Storm jumped halfway out of his armor and nearly fell off the cloud as one of his hooves slipped over the edge. “Sorry, sir. The door guards just sent this up.” He pulled a small scroll from under his wing.
Storm snatched the scroll from the kid and glanced over it, then rolled it back up and tucked it into his armor. “Looks like Princess Twilight is back. They heard her talking near the door. Probably teleported in.”
The kid opened his mouth to speak, but he was interrupted by a shout from the goofball. “Hey, Boss! When are we gonna get started with the game?”
Storm rolled his eyes and gnashed his teeth before answering, “No slacking off tonight, moron! Keep your eyes sharp and focus on spotting trouble before it shows up at the library’s door!”
Turning back to the kid, Storm said, “So what were you trying to say?”
The kid opened his mouth again, but words didn’t come out. Instead, he stood in place, fidgeting as he hemmed and hawed. Storm rolled his eyes and started to turn around, but the rookie finally found his voice. “Sir… should we really be up here? I mean, as bad as things are down there… well… I just think that maybe—”
Storm held up a hoof to stop him while he covered his face with a wing. “Kid, just stop. We’re up here because we need to be. There’s two princesses in that tree, and they’re counting on the guards at the door to keep an angry mob from breaking down their door. Those guards are counting on us to let them know if something’s coming, so we’re staying put.”
“But what about Princess Celestia? She’s still out there, and she might be in danger.”
Storm perked an eyebrow and smirked. “Princess Celestia? In danger? From what?”
The kid rubbed his chin as he pondered. “Well,” he said finally, “there’s always the rumors that Princess Luna has turned evil again. If she turns back into Nightmare Moon—”
“We’ll be the first to know,” Storm interrupted. “Did you forget that she’s right below us?”
“Oh. Right.”
Storm put a hoof on the kid’s shoulder and gave him a fatherly smile. “Everything’s gonna be fine. The princesses know what they’re doing. The only thing we need to do is our job, and we should trust them to do theirs.”
The kid stood in silence for a few seconds, his head hanging low in a thoughtful pose, and Storm imagined he could hear the gears turning under his skull. Finally, he looked back up at the vice-captain, and with a grin splitting his face, he said, “You’re right. I’m worrying over nothing. That awful day is over now, so everypony should calm down soon, and everything will be fine. Besides, it’s not like things can get any worse.”
While it had been quiet on the ring before, the silence had been comfortable. After those words, however, instead of wrapping around them like a warm blanket, it constricted them like a python. Every eye was riveted to the kid, frozen in hateful glares.
“You idiot,” Storm hissed. “Saying something can’t happen is the surest way to make it happen!”
“But sir… I only meant that—” He was interrupted by Storm smacking his helmet.
“Just shut up. You’ve done enough damage.” Storm walked past the kid to address the others. “Listen up, boys! Thanks to this featherbrain, we need to watch twice as close tonight. If I see anyone having fun up here, I’m gonna pick him up and throw him at you!”
“Sir, I don’t think that’ll be necessary,” the hotshot said. He was staring at something behind Storm, as were the rest.
As Storm and the kid turned around, it was obvious what the others were staring at. A gout of flame was spewing upward from a drifting cloud, casting an orange glow over the surrounding area.
As they stared in silence at the ongoing spectacle, Storm barely registered Princess Luna’s hasty departure from the library, nor the renewed screams from below as ponies poured out of their homes, taking to the streets to spread their panic to those who weren’t yet awake to share in it. What did catch his attention was the fluttering of wings and the soft whump of hooves touching down beside him.
In the dancing light of the distant fire, he could see the mare beside him clearly: beige coated with a light blue mane, streaked with pale yellow. He snapped to attention and gave her a sharp salute. “Captain Cirrus! Welcome back, ma’am.”
Cirrus Edge returned the gesture when the others gathered around her and added their own salutes. “Where is Princess Luna? I need to report to her immediately.”
“Princess Luna left just before you arrived, Captain,” Storm said. “It looked like she was going to investigate that disturbance.”
Cirrus stomped on the cloud, which didn’t make enough of a sound to be very dramatic. “Blast it all! She doesn’t know what she’s flying into!”
The kid took a step forward. “Captain, why report to Princess Luna? Weren’t you on a mission for Princess Celestia?”
“That is Princess Celestia!” Cirrus barked, pointing at the blaze.
Storm Seeker growled and pushed the kid aside. “Captain, enough beating around the bush! Just what the hay is happening over there?”
Cirrus sighed and turned to face the conflagration, her eyes quickly wandering down to the streets, where other guards were trying—and failing—to bring the panicked masses back into some semblance of order. “I wish I knew for sure, Storm, but I can tell you one thing.” She turned to face him again. “Today’s heat was just the beginning. Unless somepony can get this under control, it’s going to get worse.”
“Just how bad are we talking?” the pervert asked.
Cirrus shook her head and and looked into the distance again, where the fire was starting to die down, but golden light was radiating from its source.
“Eternal day.”
View Online
There Goes the Neighborhood
A Rose By Any Other Name Will Still Prick You With Its Thorns
Chapter 6
A Rose By Any Other Name Will Still Prick You With Its Thorns
Atop a small cloud which drifted lazily over Ponyville’s rooftops, Celestia continued to mope. Despite spending the day under much stronger sunlight than usual, all that energy had drained away when the moon rose, leaving her too lethargic and unmotivated to move from her perch.
What a terrible day, said the annoying voice of her self-doubt as it made its nightly visit. It feels awful, being rejected so completely by all your loyal ponies.
She could only sigh in response.
Below her, the ponies finally seemed to be calming down. With the moon in the sky and the air cooling rapidly, most were settling into their homes for the evening.
They’re so happy to see Luna’s night. So happy to be rid of the day. Ingrates, all of them. After all you’ve done for them, all you’ve sacrificed for a thousand years, they throw you aside like garbage.
Celestia’s eyes narrowed, and her face stiffened into a glare as she watched the ponies going about their business.
They never give you anything; they only take. They take your freedom because they can’t care for themselves. They take your time. They take your attention. They take your very will to be yourself and leave you as nothing more than a puppet, dancing on the strings of their selfish desires.
Why did she never have such thoughts during the day, she wondered.
Because they won’t allow it.
Her thoughts were interrupted by the rustling of wings and the soft thump of hooves touching down on the edge of her cloud. She lifted her head and gazed into a pair of green eyes, framed by beige fur. “Captain Cirrus? What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be keeping an eye on Blueblood?”
“Princess,” said Cirrus, snapping off a smart salute as Celestia rose to her hooves, “that’s why I’m here. The situation at Sweet Apple Acres is getting out of control. Prince Blueblood has ordered the others to lay siege to the farmhouse.”
Celestia groaned. No matter how hard you try, it all goes wrong. It’s not your fault, though. If Blueblood had only done as you commanded, everypony would be happy.
“Yes, that much is true,” Celestia muttered, casting her gaze toward the orchard.
Cirrus cocked her head and stared into Celestia’s eyes. “You already knew?”
“What?” Celestia said as she turned her attention back to Cirrus, whose brow was furrowed in a way that might as well have been the word “confusion” stamped on her face in big red letters. “Of course not! I was just talking to… Never mind.”
“Princess… are you feeling okay?”
Forcing a smile, Celestia answered, “Yes, Captain, I’m fine.”
Celestia grit her teeth as Cirrus, unable to leave well enough alone, pressed the issue. “Please pardon me for being so blunt, Your Highness, but I don’t believe that’s true. Something is clearly bothering you.”
Again, Celestia was of two minds about how to respond. One half of her brain tried to tell her to be honest and tell Cirrus the truth about her feelings, but it was drowned out by the other half. Such disrespect! You said you were fine, but that’s not good enough for her. She thinks she knows better than you! She’s exactly like Blueblood and the rest. She just takes and takes, like all the others, and none of them ever give you anything but questions about your judgment!
“Captain, I am tired of having my judgment questioned,” Celestia said.
“Princess, I’m only concerned about your well-being!” Cirrus replied, taking a step forward.
What would she know about your well-being?
Celestia took a step forward and looked down her nose at Cirrus, her eyes blazing with reflections of the flames in her psyche. “What would you know about my well-being?”
Cirrus took a step back. “Princess, please, I don’t presume—”
All she does is presume!
“All you do is presume!” Celestia bellowed as she stepped forward and leaned in until her muzzle was close enough for her breath to sunburn Cirrus’ nose.
She thinks you can’t do anything right on your own!
“You think I can’t do anything on my own!” Celestia took another step forward, pressing Cirrus toward the edge of the cloud.
But you don’t need her!
“Well, I don’t need you!” Another step.
You don’t need any of them!
“I don’t need any of you!” Another step forward pushed Cirrus to the edge.
I’m the only one you really need!
“Yes! The only one I really need is—”
Cirrus’ hooves scrambled for purchase on the cloud’s edge, but Princess Celestia was still pressing forward, about to drive her off completely. She unfurled her wings, but the princess stopped in mid-step, as well as mid-sentence. The dancing lights in her eyes exploded into a torrent of white incandescence, and Cirrus was forced to slam her eyes shut and cover them with a hoof to avoid being blinded.
She took another step back and slipped off the cloud, but instinctively went into a steady hover. After a moment, the light started to die down, so she opened her eyes partly and peered past her hoof.
Princess Celestia’s wings were closed, but she was hovering above the cloud, nonetheless. As Cirrus watched, her eyes changed shape, the pupils contracting into cat-like slits, and her teeth elongated into sharp fangs. Flames spewed from her horn and swirled around her.
Cirrus cried out, but her voice was lost amid the roar of the flames, and after a few seconds, the heat intensified too much for her to stay. Backing away, she looked around for any sign of aid, but none was coming, although the ponies below had begun to notice the conflagration over their heads.
She had to go find help, and there was only one place she could turn, so she turned away and flew as fast as she could, heading for the narrow ring of clouds above the library.
Within the library, Luna rested atop a large cushion in the center of the main room. A lethargic flick of her magic turned the page of a book that was becoming more boring with every word she read. The tedium was momentarily broken as Spike brought a fresh cup of herbal tea, a blend apparently recommended by a zebra apothecary living in the forest, but the pattern on the teacup could only hold her interest for a moment before its appeal fell below that of the book.
As she turned one mind-numbing page after another, she occasionally glanced into the corner where her crown and torc had landed after she stomped through the door and threw them aside. She briefly considered picking them up and putting them with her shoes—the most comfortable set she had ever owned—which were neatly laid upon a table, but it just wasn’t worth the energy.
She hummed softly to herself as she continued to read, testing her vocal cords. The note broke when she tried to bring it up to a normal speaking volume, but she smiled anyway. It was more than she had managed since the previous morning, after all.
Her smile grew wider as she felt the sun making way in the sky. She hopped up onto her hooves, and without even stepping to the window to see it, she reached out with her magic, gripped the moon, and pulled it into position to start its cycle. With the transition to night completed, her power began to increase with each passing second.
For several minutes, she stood in place, basking in the sensation of renewed energy. The sound of her own breathing filled her ears, interrupted only by the swishing of Spike’s broom. Her throat tingled pleasantly as her regenerative capabilities returned to full power, and though she wasn’t watching, the stars in her hair brightened. Her reverie was eventually broken, however, by a flash of light and a loud pop on the other side of the room.
She jerked her head around and was greeted by the sight of Twilight Sparkle, who only stayed on her hooves for a moment before flopping onto her side with a loud sigh and allowing her tiara to roll off her head. One leg at a time, she kicked her golden shoes off. In Luna’s peripheral vision, Spike kept sweeping the floor without missing a beat, despite the dramatic entrance.
“Good evening, Luna,” Twilight said. “Have you seen Celestia?”
“Nay, Twilight Sparkle,” Luna whispered. “I have not seen her since she left court.”
Twilight perked up as Luna spoke, and her ears swiveled forward to better receive the faint sound. “Luna! You can speak again?”
Luna waved a hoof and shook her head, but a thin smile remained on her face. “Only a little. I can manage naught but a whisper for now. After another night or two, however, I should be fully recovered.”
“That’s still great,” Twilight said, climbing back to her hooves. “Shining lost his voice once, and it took over a week for him to recover.”
“There are… certain advantages in having a connection to the moon. At night, my magic becomes stronger, and I heal more quickly.” Luna paused to take another sip from her cup. “This tea is also helping.”
“That’s good,” Twilight said as she picked up a nearby book. “I’ll be sure to thank Zecora for you next time I see her.”
Luna nodded and returned to her own book, so the only sounds remaining in the library were those of pages turning and Spike’s broom swishing across the floor. Eventually, Spike finished his sweeping and left the room, but that noise was replaced by an owl’s hooting.
Twilight stood up and trotted toward the window, next to which the creature had perched. “Sorry, Owlowiscious,” she said, patting it on the head before opening the window. “Be careful out there, and don’t be gone too long.”
It hooted again and departed.
As Twilight’s pet flew away, Luna’s thoughts drifted back to Canterlot, lingering on time spent in the gardens with Celestia, Philomena, and her own pet. The trip down memory lane came to an abrupt halt, however, as Twilight was settling onto the floor and picking up her book. A surge of magic washed over them, sending chills down Luna’s spine and causing her fur to stand on end as her wings reflexively opened.
Beside her, Twilight’s magic faltered, and her book fell to the floor. “What was that, Luna?”
Before Luna could answer, another wave of raw magical power struck them, stronger than the first. While it was an unusual feeling, she was sure she had experienced it before, long ago. But when was it?
When the third wave passed over her, a familiar sensation of gleeful malice tickled at the corners of her mind. Her wings folded down again, and she slouched as realization dawned. Twilight noticed the change and looked at her expectantly, but Luna could only respond with two simple words. “Oh no.”
Without another thought spared for the library’s other inhabitants, she turned and bolted to the door, her magic flinging it open ahead of her. The guards at the door were too slow to move, but she charged past them anyway, knocking them off their hooves as she ran into the street and spread her wings.
Her destination was obvious; a pillar of flame was spewing into the air from across town. Though the night had hardly begun, the air had cooled enough to allow her to gain altitude easily. Taking wing, she cut a path across the sky and left a faint trail of tiny, fading stars in her wake.
As she approached, the waves of magic continued to grow stronger, hindering her progress by buffeting her with the force of gale winds. Still, she pressed onward, beating her wings as hard and fast as her muscles could push them.
Directly ahead of her, a shape was visible in the fiery vortex. It was a pony’s form, sporting both wings and a horn, as she had expected, but it was much larger than Celestia. As she inched closer, two brilliant spots of light appeared in the inferno, shining through it with the intensity of the noonday sun. The pony within had opened its eyes.
“Sister!” Luna cried, pushing her voice to its limits, as she stretched her hooves out toward the flames. In answer to her call, Celestia’s head turned to face her. Within the blaze, her hooves touched down on the cloud, and her head pressed forward. Her white horn pierced the wall first, but it had grown even longer, and its tip had become a needle-sharp point.
As the horn’s full length emerged, the rest of her face came into view. A golden helm covered her skull in place of her crown. The glow faded from her eyes as they emerged, revealing that while they had retained their pale magenta coloring, they had narrowed into slits.
Luna’s eyes widened as she stared into the face of her sibling. “Sister, no!” she yelled, her voice cracking as she continued to thrust herself forward with renewed vigor, taxing her muscles to their limits as she reached out. “Celestia, you can still fight it! Don’t let it take you!”
Celestia’s face twisted into a malevolent grin, placing her fangs on full display. “You pathetic foal!” she shouted. “There is no more Celestia! There is only—”
At that moment, the flames of Celestia’s transformation vanished, and with them, the forces holding Luna back. One last flap of her wings launched her forward, and with a sound like cannon fire, their heads smashed together.
As the door slammed shut in Luna’s wake, Twilight sighed.
“What’s wrong, Twilight?” said Spike. “Aren’t you going with her?”
Twilight shook her head. “No, Spike. This is a job for a real princess, not somepony like me.”
“Twilight, maybe you forgot about these?” Spike poked at a wing. “They mean that you are a real princess!”
“That’s not what I mean!” snapped Twilight. She turned away from Spike and sighed again. “It’s just that I don’t know how to handle a major crisis. When Celestia and Luna went missing right before the Summer Sun Celebration, I couldn’t do anything on my own.”
“So? You have to learn sometime, right?” said Spike, walking around to look her in the eyes. “Besides, Princess Luna might need your help.”
“No, Spike. It’s not that simple. I can’t go because this is too similar to what happened to Haberdashing.”
“Who?”
“Here. I’ll read it to you,” Twilight said as she levitated Cautionary Tales of Magical Misuse off her table and settled onto the floor to begin.
Haberdashing was a renowned maker of fine sewing materials who resided among the nobles of Unicornia. Though his wares were superb, and they were certainly worthy of great praise, he aspired to even greater heights, which prompted him to learn the art of seduction.
So it was that he came to woo and eventually marry the Countess Mezza Voce, a soft-spoken maiden whose father had passed away and left his title to her. Though he faced fierce competition for her hoof from many noblestallions, his charm defeated their expensive gifts to secure her affections. As a noble, Count Haberdashing was able to live a lifestyle that his humble shop could never have afforded him. However, even that was not enough to sate his hunger.
After two years of marriage, his wife found herself with foal. As her condition debilitated her, she entrusted greater and greater authority to her husband, despite his inexperience in matters of lordship. For a time, the affairs brought before him remained common, but that did not last.
After two months of managing the affairs of his wife’s domain, Count Haberdashing received a missive from the Unicorn queen, intended for Countess Mezza Voce, which ordered her to entreat with with earth ponies at their border to secure the peace of their land. Haberdashing was eager to prove himself to his fellow nobleponies, so he was quick to act.
Without his wife’s knowledge, he drafted a letter to the earth ponies, inviting them to cross the borders and visit their castle, and signed it with her name. However, proper Unicorn custom required more than a simple signature for a document to be recognized as official, so he carefully mimicked his wife’s magical essence and imbued it into the paper.
The letter was sent, and for another month, he did not receive any word of a visit, yet he did not tell the countess of the matter. He wished for the accomplishment to be his own when peace was established and his subjects no longer needed to fear earth pony aggression. There came a day, however, when he received a messenger from the border.
“Your Lordship,” said the messenger, “the border is besieged by the earth pony barbarians. The keeps are falling, and even our magic cannot stand against their numbers.”
“This cannot be!” answered the count. “They were invited to come in peace and entreat for mutual benefit!”
Though Count Haberdashing knew not, the emissaries from the earth pony lands had indeed crossed the borders of Unicornia. When stopped by Unicorn soldiers, the earth ponies presented the letter he had sent, but when the soldiers checked the magical imprint upon the letter, they deemed it false. Thus the earth ponies were put to the spear.
With earth pony troops sweeping across his lands, he could no longer conceal the truth of his folly from his wife, so he told the countess of his failure at dinner that night, and she offered words of kind forgiveness. She promised him that she would pay them tribute, and once it had been done, the fighting would end.
The next morning, when they sat down to breakfast, his wife was somber, and she ate in silence, as did Count Haberdashing. When it was done and the count rose to leave, his strength faded. His own blood passed his lips and spilled onto the table.
To his wife, he spoke one final word before he could speak no more: “Why?”
“My dear husband,” said she, “the tribute I spoke of is your very life, as the blame for the deaths of the earth pony ambassadors is upon your withers. You should have known better than to exceed the authority given to you, for now I must live as a widow, and your child without a father.”
Ambitious little Unicorn, never forget the tale of Haberdashing, for it is always folly to interfere in the affairs of those born to the duties of nobility.
As Twilight finished, Spike’s jaw hit the floor. “Are you kidding me?” he shouted. “That’s all this is about?”
“What?” Twilight said as she closed the book. “No, of course not, Spike. That’s really the whole story.”
Spike stood up, shook his head, and looked directly into her eyes. “That’s not what I mean, Twilight. It’s just some dumb story in some dumb book that doesn’t have anything to do with you!”
Twilight sprang to her hooves as well. “Nothing to do with me? Spike, this has everything to do with me! If I had just remembered the lessons in this book in the first place, none of this would have ever happened!”
Spike took a step back. “Okay, Twilight. I’m sure you’re right. You usually are. I’ll tell you what, though,” he said, suddenly smirking. “How about you let me read that book too? That way, I can learn all the same lessons as you.”
Twilight’s narrowed eyes opened wide, and her frown upended itself. “Spike, that’s a great idea! That way, you can make sure I don’t forget anything important.”
Spike chuckled. “Right, Twilight. My thoughts exactly.”
“Here you go.” She levitated the book into his outstretched claws. “Think you can finish it tonight?”
Spike nodded, and Twilight skipped merrily up the stairs. “I sure hope I can,” he muttered under his breath once she was out of earshot. “Might as well get started.”
Instead of opening the book, however, he ran his claw under the name printed on its cover. “Muddy Stick, huh?” Leaving the book on the floor, he ran to the shelves and scurried up a ladder to the encyclopedias. “Ah, here we are.” He grabbed the volume labeled “M” and climbed down to put it beside the other book.
Sighing loudly, he opened both books. “I really hate research.”
“Fluttershy, wait,” Pinkie said as she lost control of her left front leg.
Fluttershy turned around and looked her, but the spider monkey on her back kept scanning its surroundings with a set of night vision goggles. “We don’t have time for this, Pinkie. They’ll get away!”
“This is bigger than that. My Pinkie Sense is telling me that a fire is about to start.” Pinkie glanced down at her hoof, which was involuntarily drawing circles in the dirt, then back up to Fluttershy. “We need to tell everypony!”
“Are you sure? I don’t see any—”
An orange glow filled the streets as a pillar of fire erupted from a nearby cloud.
“Oh. That fire,” said Fluttershy, her eyes wide.
“Come on, Fluttershy! You have to help me tell everypony!”
Fluttershy pulled away as Pinkie tried to wrap a hoof around her. “I’m sorry, Pinkie, but I can’t. It doesn’t look like anypony is in danger right now, and I have to get home and make sure the animals aren’t panicking.”
“But what about Angel?” Pinkie asked, bouncing up and down on her hooftips. “Are you just gonna let him go?”
Fluttershy brought a hoof to her chin as she thought it over. Before she could come to a conclusion, the monkey tapped on her head. It screeched and nodded at her, and she nodded back. “Great! Thanks. I’ll leave it to you, then.” She turned back to Pinkie. “Jacob says he’ll take care of Angel, so I’m heading home now. Good luck warning everypony,” she called back as she dropped the monkey off before heading home.
A smirk crossed Pinkie’s lips as her eyes narrowed. “Warn them, huh? Yeah, I’ll warn them, all right. But first…” She reached into a nearby mailbox and pulled out a spyglass. “Let’s see what’s happening up there.”
She didn’t even notice as the spider monkey opened the door to one of her hidden supply closets, nor did she hear the dull rumble of an engine as it departed atop a motorized party cannon.
As the pillar came into focus, she could see one figure backing away and a much larger form inside it. There was only one pony in Equestria that could be, and that pony was on her side. “Ooh. She’s good. Better not let it go to waste!”
Pinkie hopped over to the nearest doorway and raised a hoof to knock politely, but caught herself just in time to wipe away her smirk and adjust her posture to batter the door with both front hooves. With her eyes wide and expression looking properly horrified, she bashed the door with both hooves in a way that sounded more like a roll on a snare drum than a proper knock.
Moments later, Roseluck answered the door. “Fire!” screeched Pinkie, pointing at the cloud.
As expected, Rose screamed, ran straight to her neighbor’s house, and pounded on the door in exactly the same way Pinkie had abused her own. Once Lily and Daisy joined her, the riot began in earnest.
Pinkie knocked on a few more doors to keep the pace up, but when the streets started to fill with panicked ponies, she stepped back to admire her work. Within a matter of minutes, most of the town was in an uproar.
The mob ran away from the fire, so Pinkie was soon left on her own, grinning as the others stampeded toward the town square. The sound of flapping wings drew her attention away from them, however, and up into the air, where she saw Princess Luna racing toward Princess Celestia’s scary prank. Since she didn’t know Luna’s intentions, Pinkie decided to play it safe. She took a deep breath, screamed as loud as she could, and bolted in the direction of the square.
She glanced back a minute later as the fire died, just in time to see Princess Luna give her sister a spectacular headbutt.
By the time Fluttershy made it back to her cottage, the orange spire had vanished from the sky, and calm had returned to the heavens. The animals, predictably, were all cowering in the backs of their cages.
“It’s okay, little ones,” she said. “There’s nothing to be afraid of.” She reached into one of the cages to pet a cat that had been hissing and clawing at his neighbor in the next cage, but although he settled down as she stroked his head, he wasn’t calm; he was trembling. “Oh dear. There’s no reason to be afraid. The big, scary firework is gone now.”
Fluttershy reached deeper into the cage to stroke his back, but the cat shifted, minimizing her access. She cocked her head and pulled her hoof back slightly, and the cat relaxed a little, only to tense up again when she reached out once more. “No… You’re scared of me?”
She pulled her hoof out of the cage and stared at the trembling feline, her eyes wide and glistening with tears. “But why? I’m only trying to help you.” She moved to another cage, but as soon as she reached for them, the squirrels within recoiled.
The tears pooled at the corners of her eyes and slid down her cheeks as she pulled her hoof back. What have I done? she thought. They don’t trust me at all! I’ve failed them…
No!
I’m doing the right thing. To keep them from fighting, they need discipline, and I’m the only one who can give it to them.
Fluttershy took a deep breath and wiped the tears from her eyes. “It’s like Iron Will said. ‘Only protect what gives you respect.’ If they want me to take care of them, they have to learn to respect me and do what I say.”
The cat and squirrels, which had been creeping toward the open doors of their cages, hurried back to the edge of Fluttershy’s reach as she returned her attention to them. “I’m sorry,” she said as she closed and locked the cages, “but until you learn to trust and obey me, I can’t let you out.”
Her mind set, she proceeded to feed the animals, never letting any of them approach the cage doors. Once that task had been completed, she looked out over the yard, as well as the land beyond, and spotted a small figure approaching. Jacob was returning, and he was holding something. As he reached her, he handed her a thick bundle of tangled party streamers which wriggled in her grasp.
Fluttershy grinned as she shoved the bundle into a cage just as its occupant began to tear free. Even if Jacob didn’t catch Angel and the others, she thought, they’ll still need to come back here to find food. I’ll just have to be ready for them.
All I need is my shovel and a bit of rope.
The sky fire made sense to Angel. Being rather intelligent for a rabbit, he understood that fire and water are opposites. It only stood to reason that if clouds sent water down , they could send fire up . Of course, the water was much more common, and that theory didn’t account for lightning at all, but being rather intelligent for a rabbit is still not particularly intelligent in general, so he didn’t consider those facts.
Still, it provided a distraction for Angel and his friends, so they filed out of the home of a kindly family of mice, who had also agreed to look after the field mouse, and took to the streets. The downside to the sky fire was that it lit some of the streets, which made travel even more dangerous for the group.
Angel led the others from one shadow to the next, careful to check around every corner before stepping into the open and dashing for the next cover. They had barely made it a block when he spotted the yellow bird pony and her comrades around a corner. Though the bird pony and her pink friend were staring at the sky fire, the monkey atop her back was still looking around. For some reason, its face had been covered by a black mask with shiny green eyes.
While the monkey was looking away, Angel watched the others. The bird pony flew away after only a moment longer, but the monkey hopped off her back. Without looking in Angel’s direction, it opened a hidden door in the ground and went inside. Only moments later, as Angel was starting to set a foot into the street, a rumbling noise from the hole gave him pause. He ducked behind the corner just in time to avoid being spotted as the monkey came back up, riding on a rolling blue tube of some sort.
The tube was heading their way, so Angel pushed the others back into the darkest hiding place on the street, one so black that even his white fur was invisible within. As they waited in silence, the roar of the party cannon’s engine came closer. By the time it came into view, the shutters on the nearby houses were all rattling, and flower pots were vibrating toward the edges. It came to a stop in the intersection and the monkey turned its head to look down the opposite street. After a moment, it turned the other way, and the green eyes of its mask stared directly at the rabbits and their friends.
It grinned and started turning its contraption, but before it could line itself up with the group, Angel pushed the others out into the open and urged them to run. Together, the group sprinted down the street, took a right onto the next street, and took another left two more streets down as the monkey was about to roll into view. They hid in the nearest shadowed area to wait.
Once again, the monkey rolled up to the intersection in front of them, and once again, it looked both ways. However, it didn’t make eye contact with Angel and the others. Instead, it faced forward again and rode ahead.
Wasting no time, Angel waved the others out of their cover and toward the direction the monkey had come from. The brown rabbit, lizard, possum, and chicken rounded the corner without even looking back, sprinting as fast as they could, but when Angel came around, he chanced a glance behind.
The monkey was right there, facing them, grinning even more widely than before as it started rolling forward. It had been a trick. Angel ran as fast as his feet could carry him, but it wasn’t enough. The cannon was bearing down on him. From behind, he heard a sound like thunder, and he turned his head to see a ball of brightly colored paper strips flying at him. He faced forward again and tried to run even faster, but his top speed stubbornly refused to increase upon command, and his muscles were already starting to give out.
The paper didn’t hit him, though. A thud from behind told him that the shot had missed, but a yowl of pain told him that it had hit something else: the cat. Angel turned to look back just as the spider monkey passed him. Up ahead, the rest of the group came to a stop and looked back, but the monkey ignored them. It stopped in the middle of the road and began to turn around as Angel ran back to his fallen companion.
He pawed impotently at the mound of paper scraps, but they were too dense for him to break through. Within, the cat was yowling. It managed to push its head through the papers, but the rest of its body was hopeless trapped. As the monkey started to roll forward again, the cat sighed and nodded toward the rest of the group.
Angel stood still, however, as the monkey approached, and the cat nodded more insistently. At the last moment, Angel snapped off a salute, then rolled backward just as the monkey passed by, dodging its hand.
Angel sprinted back to the rest of the group, and before the monkey could finish turning around again, they had slipped away. Instead of making the same mistake as last time, they kept running, making frequent turns and zig-zagging through the street to keep their route unpredictable. However, they soon hit another obstacle.
The rumbling of hooves on the ground ahead indicated a stampede. The group slowed down to approach the road cautiously and came to a stop at the edge of a thundering herd of ponies, all of whom were screaming at the top of their lungs.
It was a dangerous situation, of course, but it was also an opportunity. The monkey couldn’t possibly follow them through that, so Angel motioned for the group to fall in with the ponies. As he was about to lead them onto the street, however, the possum put a paw down on his tail.
When Angel turned around, the possum pointed into the sky. It was another bird pony, dark in color and larger than any he’d ever seen. The possum motioned to follow it. Angel shook his head and tried to break free, but the grip on his tail held fast. Once more, he turned and looked into the other’s eyes, and he noticed that they were full of confidence and determination. Though it was usually passive, the possum obviously had strong feelings on the matter, so it must have known something the others didn’t.
Angel relented, and as he prepared to step out and brave the equine tide, the last of them passed by, leaving the street empty. He cocked his head at the sight of the empty street and squinted through the fading cloud of dust in an attempt to make sure the coast was truly clear, but the possum simply sauntered forward, and the others quickly fell in line behind him. Angel could only shake his head, roll his eyes, and follow the group.
“What do y’all reckon they’re doing?” asked Granny Smith, peering through one of the farmhouse’s first floor windows.
Applejack stared out of another window, watchful for any sign of movement in the darkened orchard. “I dunno, Granny. I ain’t seen ‘em in a while.” She turned around to shout through a doorway. “Anything going on over there, Big Mac?”
From the other side of the house, Mac shouted back to her, “Nope.”
Applejack sighed and turned back to Granny Smith, who was only faintly visible in the moonlight with all the lights in the house extinguished. “I don’t like this one bit. They’re still out there somewhere, and Celestia only knows what they’re up to.”
Silence reigned in the house as the Apples continued to watch the orchard. Applejack’s eyes grew heavier as time passed, and she was only saved from passing out by the sound of Granny Smith’s snoring a few feet away.
“Granny, wake up!”
Snorting and sputtering, Granny jerked upright. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was just resting my eyes a little.”
Applejack rolled her eyes. “Yeah, Granny. Sure you were.”
“It don’t matter none, anyway. Them city ponies probably already ran off to sleep in the barn.”
“Nuh uh. If they went to the barn, Big Mac would’a seen ‘em.”
Granny Smith pursed her lips and glanced out the window again. “Well, it ain’t like we’re gonna see anythin’ like this. We might as well go and get some shut-eye.”
Applejack’s brow furrowed and her jaw clenched as she turned around, but the sight of her grandmother silhouetted in the moonlight—looking tired, thin, and frail—stopped her angry words before they passed her lips. “Maybe you’re right, Granny. But we need to take it in turns, so how about you go on and get some sleep now? Big Mac and I will keep watch a while longer.”
Granny Smith didn’t answer. Instead, she kept staring out the window, eyes growing wider by the second.
“Granny? Are you okay?” Applejack said. No answer came, so she turned to look out the window.
In the distance, a spire of orange light had appeared directly over Ponyville. “What in tarnation is that?” Applejack shouted.
“I don’t know, but I do know what those are,” said Granny Smith.
Applejack looked away from the light and followed Granny’s eyes toward the orchard, where the glow from the distant fire had illuminated a massive pile of apples among the trees, surrounded by Blueblood and his minions.
Blueblood looked up at the house and made eye contact with Applejack, and although his face registered surprise for a moment, his mouth quickly closed and curled up into a smirk. He waved a hoof at the others, and they followed behind him as he walked toward the house. The unicorns were all levitating at least a dozen apples apiece, and the earth ponies were carrying baskets full of them.
“Mac!” Applejack shouted. “You better get over here!”
The sounds of scrambling hooves, an impact against a door frame, and a low voice uttering a word none of them wanted Apple Bloom to hear heralded Bic McIntosh’s arrival in the living room. “What’s goin’ on, AJ?”
“Have a look,” said Applejack, stepping aside to give him access to the window.
“Uh oh.” Mac scowled as he looked out into the orchard. “I wonder what they’re plannin’ on doin’ with those.”
In answer to his question, Blueblood shouted, “Fire!”
Applejack dove for cover and Mac leapt to the other window to shield Granny Smith. The windows all shattered at once, and Big Mac cried out in pain as one apple after another pelted his back. Finally, as the first salvo came to an end, Granny Smith managed to move away from the window, and Mac slumped to the floor.
“Mac!” cried Applejack, safe behind the cover of a sofa. “Are you okay?”
He started to push himself back up onto his hooves. “Eey—” He failed and fell back to the floor. “Nope.”
“Fire!” yelled Blueblood, and another hail of apples poured through the windows. Some of them smashed picture frames and small keepsakes on shelves. A few of them bounced off soft objects and landed on the floor unharmed, but most just splattered against the walls.
“This is your last chance, Apples,” Blueblood said. “If you surrender now, you won’t be harmed.”
Applejack looked around the room. Big Mac still hadn’t managed to stand up, and some nasty bruises were starting to form on his back. Granny Smith was dusting herself off, but she was no good in a fight, and there was no way she could take on so many ponies by herself.
Growling to herself, she stomped a hoof onto the floor, cracking the boards. For a long moment, she sat there trembling until she finally calmed herself down, took a deep breath, and stood up to announce their surrender.
“Go stick your horn in a beehive!” Granny Smith yelled, cutting Applejack off. “We ain’t givin’ up. Not to the likes o’ you whippersnappers!”
“So be it, then!” Blueblood screamed back. “Get more apples!” The others all ran toward the pile of apples they had collected to resupply.
“Granny! What the hay were you thinkin’?” said Applejack. “There’s too many of ‘em, and we got no way to fight back!”
“What are you talkin’ about? They’re givin’ us all we need.”
“I don’t know.” Applejack motioned at the walls, which were covered in the shattered remnants of a hundred apples. “Most of ‘em ain’t in any shape to use.”
Granny Smith smiled, but her eyes were narrowed and her pupils were pinpricks. “Then I reckon we just have to make those punks give us some good’uns.”
Applejack followed Granny’s gaze to the sofa. When she turned back, a matching grin was plastered across her face. “Good thinkin’, Granny!”
“Now, you run along and fetch us a couple laundry baskets. I’ll fire up the oven.”
* * * * *
“Okay. I’m all set here,” said Applejack. “How about you, Big Mac?”
“Eeyup,” he said, growling through the words as he forced his swollen back into position.
“All right. They should be about ready for the next volley. On three. One. Two. Three!”
Applejack and Mac sprang up at the same time. As expected, Blueblood’s lackeys had finished resupplying for the second time and were ready to send another hundred apples flying into the house. “Hey, Bluebutt!” yelled Applejack. She followed it up by blowing a raspberry at him while flicking her ears, rolling her eyes, and waving her hooves around. Meanwhile, Mac did the same at the other window.
“Fire!” Blueblood bellowed, his face tinged with red.
As the fruit soared through the air, Applejack and Big McIntosh both ducked and held up sofa cushions. Dozens of apples came through each window, collided with the cushions, and fell neatly into the laundry baskets waiting underneath.
“Hot diggity!” said Granny Smith from the kitchen doorway. “That’s all we need. Now, you kids get to work on boardin’ up them windows, and I’ll get started on the baking!”
Discord had almost gotten used to being small. Sure, it took longer for him to walk from one place to another, but since he didn’t have anywhere to be, that hardly mattered. There was a downside, though. Being tiny meant that a single pony hoof could crush him.
That’s exactly what happened.
He was dimly aware of a commotion, but it didn’t register as anything for him to be concerned about until several ponies had run past him. He looked back just in time to see an entire herd thundering in his direction, the closest one heading right for him. .
A couple of minutes later, he finally popped up out of the dirt. “Well, that was rude,” he muttered as his body accordioned. “I wonder what they were all running from.”
The answer was obvious when he looked up. He returned to his normal size, slithered into the air, and turned his eyes into a pair of binoculars to get a better view of the action. In the distance, Celestia was holding Luna back with a wall of fire. As he watched, though, Celestia dropped her defense, and he fell into hysterical fits of laughter as Luna gave her the accidental headbutt of a lifetime.
While the sisters crumpled onto the cloud beneath them, he lost interest and floated back down to street level.
Everywhere he looked, there was more chaos to see, and he hadn’t been involved in any of it. To his right, a ring of ponies stampeded in a circle around the town hall, stuck in a cycle of every pony following the one in front of them, probably for fear of being trampled if they deviated. To his left, a monkey wearing night vision goggles was riding out of town on a blue cannon, carrying a cat wrapped up in streamers over its shoulder.
It was like he was back in power, except that he wasn’t.
With another sigh, he set off down one of the side streets, kicking a stray bit down the road. After a few blocks, he kicked the coin again, but was too busy watching his feet to see where it went. His attention was drawn upward, however, by the sound of a coin falling into a bucket.
“Hi there,” said a gray unicorn stallion wearing a striped shirt and a boater hat, sitting on a barber shop’s doorstep.
Discord scoffed. “Shouldn’t you be running in circles with the rest of the town?”
“Why bother?” the pony said, his voice deep and rumbling.
Discord narrowed his eyes. “Isn’t that what you ponies do now? Cause chaos?”
The pony leaned back and looked up at the stars. “Nah. There’s no such thing.”
“Excuse me? You must not know who you’re talking to.”
“Hard not to know who Discord is. I’m Basso, by the way. Basso Prof—”
“I didn’t ask,” Discord said.
A long moment passed in silence before Basso spoke up again. “Want to sit down?”
“I think I’d rather keep kicking my bit down the road, if it’s all the same to you.”
Basso looked down and smirked. “There’s quite a few bits in that bucket, you know. You sure you can find yours?”
“In that case, maybe I’ll just—”
“Take ‘em all?” said Basso.
Discord looked away, holding his nose as high as possible, then pushing it just a little higher. “Maybe. You think you could do something about it?”
“No.”
Discord and the pony continued to stare at each other until, finally, Discord’s scowl broke and twisted into a half-smile.
“Have a seat,” Basso said.
Shrugging, Discord said, “Don’t mind if I do.” Instead of taking the spot on the step Basso offered, however, Discord conjured up his own throne, one made from a thousand novelty hats fused together. He threw himself down onto the chair and took a swig from an upside-down beer hat near the top.
“So what was that you were saying about there being no such thing as chaos?” asked Discord, pointing all twenty-six of his arms at the chair.
Basso shrugged. “I don’t see the chaos. It looks like a chair, and you can sit on it, so it’s just a chair.”
“Oh yeah? What about this?” Discord snapped a talon and a ten-legged bookcase appeared out of thin air. It leapt through the nearest wall and came back out a few seconds later, chewing on a stack of books.
Again, Basso merely shrugged. “It’s a bookcase. It went after books. Makes sense.”
Growling, Discord snapped his talon again and the bookcase vanished, replaced by a cotton candy cloud that hovered over them and started raining chocolate milk.
“It still floats and drops liquid,” Basso said, licking chocolate from his face.
“Okay, fine!” Discord yelled. “How about this ?” He snapped his talon again and the rain stopped, but the cannon-riding, cat-carrying night vision spider monkey appeared in front of them.
Basso opened his mouth, but no words came out. He cocked his head and stared at the confused monkey. His mouth flapped a few more times before he said, “You got me there.”
Discord’s paw made a sound like a thunderclap as it struck his face.
“What’s wrong?” said Basso.
“I didn’t actually make that one,” Discord said as he sent the monkey back to where it had been.
Basso whistled. “Well, whoever did should take over your job.”
Discord scoffed and turned his head away. “Not like it matters. I don’t even have a job anymore. Who needs a spirit of chaos and disharmony when ponies are doing are doing it just as well as I ever did?”
“I think you’re looking at it the wrong way,” said Basso. “Think about it this way. Everything you do makes sense. You create funny clouds that are still recognizable as clouds. You make buildings float, but they’re still buildings, and they’re still in the same spots. You turn roads into soap, but it’s still just on the spots where roads were.”
Discord turned around again. “And just what are you getting at?”
Basso looked him in the eyes and grinned. “It’s pretty simple. It’s not that you’re creating chaos and disharmony; you’re just creating a new kind of harmony.”
“What?” said Discord with his eyebrows raised halfway up his horns.
“It’s like when my group sings. I don’t sing the same notes as the others, but we’re all singing to the same beat. It blends together, and it creates a new sound that none of us could create on our own. That’s pretty much what you do, wouldn’t you say?”
Discord slouched down in his chair as he mulled it over. He hummed to himself as Basso waited patiently beside him. Finally, he smiled as he reached his conclusion. Turning back to Basso, he said, “Not at all!”
Basso frowned and tried to speak, but Discord stopped him by tapping him on the forehead with a claw. Swirls appeared in his eyes, and when they stopped spinning, his pupils were dilated, and his mouth hung open.
“But I must admit, you’ve helped me,” Discord said, rubbing his hands together. “If I want to be able to create chaos ever again, I have to stop the ponies from doing it first. Then, once I’ve brought harmony back, I can mess it up again!” He pointed down the road, toward the town hall. “You should go join your friends now.”
“Yes, of course,” Basso said. He ran away, screaming at the top of his lungs, to join the ring of stampeding ponies at the town hall.
Discord’s maniacal laughter continued to ring in the air long after he vanished.
Luna groaned as consciousness reasserted itself. Her vision was still fuzzy, but she could make out a shape in front of her. Though wreathed in fiery red and orange, its center was white. She rubbed her eyes to try to clear them, but she winced as her leg touched the bruise on her forehead. The adrenaline surge from the sudden pain helped to clear her vision, though.
In front of her laid Celestia, clad in golden armor with a golden helmet, her mane no longer wafting as though touched by a gentle breeze, but spewing forth like a roaring inferno.
“Sister?” whispered Luna as she crawled forward. Looking into Celestia’s closed eyes, she tried again. “Sister, wake up!”
Celestia’s eyes snapped open, and the slitted pupils contracted as they focused on Luna’s face. Grinning to show off her mouth full of fangs, she hissed, “Good morning… sithter.”
Despite the seriousness of the situation and the imminent danger to her own life, Luna couldn’t but snicker.
“Shut up,” Celestia said as she stood up, shoving Luna up onto her own hooves in the process. “I can’t help it. I’m not ushed to theesh teeth.”
Luna tried to suppress the snickers, but instead of fading, they turned into a barking laugh.
“Silensh!” bellowed Celestia, throwing some vibrato into the royal Canterlot voice for extra effect.
It worked. Luna stopped laughing.
“Now, what to do with you, my dear sish… sister.”
Luna snorted at the slip, but it was the last sign of mirth before her face set into a serious expression, brow furrowed and eyes narrow. Her voice low and level, she whispered, “Release my sister, fiend. This instant!”
Celestia walked around to the side, circling around Luna. “Release her? I am her. Surely you must remember how this works.”
Luna turned to keep up with her as she continued circling. “I remember all too well. I remember you corrupting my heart and my mind.”
“Oh, poor little Luna,” Celestia said, pursing her lips in a mock pout. “You appreciated the power you were given back then—power to make the sun-worshipping ponies bow to your will and see you for the wonder you truly were. Now you’re just a pitiful excuse for a mare, doomed to forever be nothing more than the little sister to a pony you could never hope to equal.”
“Your words are meaningless to me. I cannot be swayed by you, Nightmare.”
“Do not call me that, you foalish simpleton, for that is no longer what I am. I am now the bringer of the day, and so my name shall reflect that.” Celestia rose into the air, her hooves held high as she shouted to the heavens, “Henceforth, instead of The Nightmare, I shall be known as… The Awful Daydream!”
Luna was nearly knocked out again by the force of her own hoof colliding with her face.
Author's Note
In case you missed the note at the beginning, this story will not continue beyond this point in its current form.
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There Goes the Neighborhood
The Road to Tartarus is Paved with Parasprites
Author's Note
This story is on extended hiatus, pending a total rewrite. It will not be finished in its current form.
The Road to Tartarus is Paved with Parasprites
Prelude
The Road to Tartarus is Paved with Parasprites
Some ponies said that trains were the best thing that ever happened to Equestria. Others thought they were just noisy things that took all the joy out of traveling and interrupted perfectly good naps when they blew their whistles. But really, who cares what Granny Smith thought? The important thing was that trains had connected Equestria in a way previous generations had never thought possible.
The largest hub for the train network was established in Canterlot, of course. It only made sense for it to be the lynchpin of rail travel in Equestria, given that it was right in the center of the nation. The fact that the glistening city on the mountain was the seat of the nation's government, as well as home to the princesses, hardly needed to be pointed out.
That's not to say the planners didn't point it out. They did. It was their only argument, in fact. For some inane reason, nothing besides the convenience of royalty ever seemed to factor into their ideas. Princess Celestia had to point out the obvious practical aspects of the plan herself, for which she was endlessly praised by sycophantic nobles and sycophantic engineers alike. She sometimes thought that in addition to having the abilities of earth ponies, unicorns, and pegasi, alicorns must have also been gifted with a monopoly on logic.
All that aside, trains had improved life throughout Equestria. Goods moved more quickly on them, ponies were able to visit distant relatives with ease, the national economy expanded, and best of all, a certain pompous prince was able to travel to his vacation home in Los Pegasus twice as often, giving the rest of the palace a much-needed reprieve from his insufferableness.
However, the abstract forces that govern the universe can't stand an imbalance, and when something particularly good is brought into the world, it has to be used for something horrific. Therefore, it was the arrival of a train that heralded Canterlot’s doom.
Of all the perils that had ever threatened to topple the marvel of gravitational defiance that most ponies thought of as a mere city, this one was easily the most innocuous: much more subtle than a bomb, more difficult to detect than a horde of hungry changelings, and far more destructive than both of them combined. It was a small wooden box, riddled with tiny holes, sealed by a metal lock, and carried in the magical aura of a unicorn stallion whose name is of no importance.
* * * * *
The unicorn was blue beneath a layer of grime, and his unkempt yellow mane still bore the shattered remnants of leaves and twigs. His return trip from the Everfree Forest by way of Ponyville had mostly been a quiet one, for the other passengers in his train car had been careful to sit at the other end and spoke mostly in whispers—probably about him—but their opinions didn't matter. He had his prize, after all.
He comported himself with quiet dignity as he made his way down the darkening streets, holding his head high and keeping his gaze focused directly ahead. The other unicorns stared in horror at the dirt in his coat as passed, probably convinced that instead of harmless earth, it was a flesh-eating cousin of pony pox.
Though his destination, the Canterlot Museum of Natural Magic, was already closed for the night, it had a guard to let him in. It was possible that the guard had other functions, such as keeping intruders out, but that didn't matter at the moment.
“Evening, doc,” an imposing gray stallion said gruffly. Night Watch was good at his job, no doubt, but he would much rather spend his time studying for his third attempt at joining the royal guard than opening doors. It was the parts about protocol around nobility that always got the better of him.
“Don't mind me, Night. I'll be out of your mane in a few minutes. Just have to drop off this new specimen.”
The guard nodded his acknowledgement and trotted back to the reception desk, returning to page 4190 of Simplified Rules of Courtly Etiquette as the wildlife researcher made his way to the basement.
The laboratory was relatively large, but specimen crates left precious little space to walk. Thankfully, the new one was small enough that it could take up the remaining space on one of the tables instead of being in the way. After setting the box down, he checked on its contents one last time. “Still sleeping,” he muttered. “Good. You have a big day tomorrow, little friend. We'll be putting that appetite of yours to the test.”
Years later, he told his old college roommate, Mad Science, about that particularly unfortunate statement, leading to the development of the world's first irony detector, which dramatically increased the warning time before unfortunate events inevitably followed such statements. For the moment, however, he was content to go home and clean himself up, get some rest, and try to not have nightmares about being chased by a manticore.
* * * * *
Soon after the pony left, the creature in the cage stirred. Its round yellow body rolled upright and took in its surroundings as it fluttered its delicate insect-like wings. The last thing it remembered was chewing on a rock in the forest before suddenly losing consciousness, then waking to find itself surrounded by wooden walls.
Of course, it had priorities, and assessing its new environment was of little importance in its tiny mind. What mattered was the hunger. It hadn’t eaten in half a day, which was half a day too long. Fortunately, the wooden cage around it looked positively delectable.
Miles away from the impending calamity, its unwitting architect was sleeping peacefully. Since becoming an alicorn and a princess, Twilight Sparkle had been forced to make a few changes to her lifestyle. While she retained her home and position as Ponyville's resident librarian, she also had to spend time in Canterlot, learning the ins and outs of her royal duties. Every Tuesday, she left Spike in charge of the library while she spent the day with Princess Celestia.
Of course, Princess Twilight now had her own regiment of guards, and they were adamant about staying close to her. However, she was just as adamant that nopony should be made to feel like a criminal for visiting a library, so her guards had to settle for stationing a few pegasi on clouds above the library. Their days were spent staring down at the streets, looking for potential danger and generally being bored out of their skulls. Their nights were spent striking intimidating poses in an ongoing competition to see which of them would make the best gargoyle.
As the first rays of sunlight pierced her window, Twilight's eyes fluttered open in response to the buzzing of her alarm clock. She reached out with a lethargic hoof and turned it off, then sat up, yawning. The pitter-patter of clawed feet on the stairs told her that Spike was already on his way to the kitchen.
One by one, the items on her checklist were marked off, and after a bath, two cups of coffee, and a few minutes for grooming, she was ready to face the day's greatest challenge: her royal regalia.
Staring at her gleaming golden nemesis, she steeled herself for the aggravation to come. The crown wasn't particularly bothersome (a bit on the heavy side though) and she rather liked the necklace. The real problem was those shoes—those accursed uncomfortable shoes. It always took her several minutes just to align them properly, and once they were straight, they dealt out punishment for her meticulousness by pinching her fetlocks mercilessly.
After a few minutes, she was in just the right amount of pain to know she had gotten it right. There was still an hour remaining before court was to begin, but first she would get to enjoy her favorite part of the day: breakfast with Celestia and Luna. It always followed the same routine: some small talk, a few tasteful jokes, a few pointers from Celestia about courtly etiquette, a few disagreements from Luna. They would enjoy some delicious food together, and then Celestia and Twilight would excuse themselves to conduct court while Luna retired to her bedchambers.
As Spike waved goodbye, Twilight visualized her destination in Canterlot. Familiar magic flowed through her horn and spilled forth from its tip, twisting space into something that resembled one of Pinkie's most ambitious experiments with pretzels. Then, with a pop and a flash of light, the spell completed, and she was in the gardens outside the royal castle.
She turned to face the table where the other princesses were no doubt waiting for her.
No princesses.
No table.
No hedges. No statues. No east wall of the castle. Just a disturbingly familiar buzzing and unusual brightly-colored spots floating through the air.
A loud rumbling assaulted Twilight's ears as her mind frantically tried to sort through the implications of what she was seeing. She took to the air and stared at a plume of dust and smoke rising from the city; a building had just fallen. Ponies were fleeing through the streets as swarms of the colorful insect-like creatures descended upon one building after another. The guards were out in force, herding the masses toward the train depot.
As she flew closer, she could hear Luna making liberal use of the royal Canterlot voice to direct the evacuation. Celestia soon flew into sight, and with every flash of her horn, several of the pests fell from the air.
Wait a minute, she thought. I’ve seen this before. Parasprites eating a city… “Oh dear.”
As she focused on slowing her breathing and brushing down errant locks of her mane, which were springing up like weeds, her eyes were drawn to Discord, who was swooping between buildings and cackling like a madpony, smacking parasprites out of the air with a croquet mallet. With a final sigh, she smiled faintly and gathered her magic for another teleportation spell.
For once, I’m glad he’s here, Twilight thought as energy swirled up through her horn. I’ll definitely need his help. And at least there’s a bright side to this. When Princess Celestia sends me back to magic kindergarten, I might not have to wear these shoes!
The morning had started well enough. As usual, Celestia was groggy when she woke up, but half a pot of coffee cleared her head enough to start the day in the most literal sense possible. It was well-documented that Celestia was a morning pony, full of energy from the moment the sun rose. Unfortunately, she always had to wake up before sunrise.
As she stepped out onto her balcony to usher in the dawn, her thoughts drifted to the part of her day she most looked forward to, the time she would soon be sharing with Luna and Twilight. At that moment, however, Luna was still in her chamber, alternating between dreamwalks and paperwork. At the appropriate time, she would lower the moon from there. Twilight probably wasn't even awake yet.
Looking out across the sleeping city, she kept a careful eye on the moon, waiting for Luna's magic to grip it and force it below the horizon. The sun, in contrast, had to be coaxed into position carefully. After all, any idiot could push a rock, but it took real talent to grab a ball of burning gas and steer it properly. Still, the things her sister did with the stars were well out of her reach, even after a thousand years of practice.
As Celestia waited and enjoyed the tranquility of the sleeping city beneath her, a servant brought her first cup of tea for the day. Hm. Peppermint, she thought as she took her first sip. It's delicious, but I think I would have preferred something with caffeine this early.
If the universe could speak, it would have said, “Not good enough for you, huh? Take this, you ingrate!” A loud rumbling in the distance broke her concentration, sending the teacup crashing to the floor. With a small whimper for her lost beverage, she turned her attention outward to find the accursed distraction which had robbed her of it.
At that moment, Luna’s magic flared to life and wrestled the moon into the other half of its orbit. She wasted no time in moving the sun, casting light over the city to reveal a column of dust rising into the air. Something about the column was strange though.
Why is the dust so colorful?
She continued to stare at it, a sense of familiarity tickling the corners of her mind. I know I've seen something like this before, but where was it?
Ah, yes. Fillydelphia. I saw something just like this that time they got infested with… Oh no.
As the three pegasi flew off to their appointed tasks, Celestia turned toward the city. The sprites were spreading out and had already infested several blocks, but she had brushed up on effective countermeasures after the debacle in the east.
First, I’ll need to render all the food in the affected areas inedible. And this time, I know just the spell.
Her horn ignited in a golden glow as her magic weaved itself into the desired form. She was nearly prepared to release it when she was distracted by the sound of metal being torn. Her spell already ruined by the loss of focus, she redirected the magic into levitation and examined her crown. A pink parasprite had taken a bite out of it and was happily chewing a mouthful of gold.
Celestia cast a quick repulsion cantrip, which sent the winged pink ball sailing into the distance as she took a proper look at her surroundings. A nearby baker was trying to shield a tray of muffins from them, but the parasprites just ate the tray and ignored the baked goods. A street vendor’s cart had been devoured, leaving all of its edible contents strewn across the ground.
The Princess of the Sun, Bringer of the Day, sovereign ruler and protector of Equestria and all its citizens, raised her head to the sky and, with the full power of the royal Canterlot voice, called upon the one being who could conceivably do something so deranged.
“Discord! ”
In a sudden flash of light, she was joined by her ancient nemesis, the spirit of chaos and disharmony, sporting a bright blue shirt with a floral pattern, and licking the head of a very confused cat that had been unceremoniously forced into an ice cream cone.
“Fix this, Discord,” Celestia growled.
While stroking his beard with a talon, appearing to be deep in thought, the draconequus simply said, “No.”
Celestia stamped her hoof on the ground and glared at him. “You promised you wouldn’t do things like this anymore, Discord!”
His face contorted into a mischievous grin as he leaned down to her, looking her directly in the eye. “And I’ve kept my promise, Celestia,” he said. “As much fun as this is, it isn’t my doing.”
* * * * *
An hour later, Celestia’s horn was no longer glowing brightly as she cast spells; the aura was barely visible. Instead of stunning dozens of sprites at once, each attack was only immobilizing a few, five or six if it was a lucky shot. Each flap of her wings grew heavier as her magic dipped toward the threshold needed to maintain flight.
Luna was in just as much trouble. Under her very loud direction, the city’s evacuation had mostly proceeded smoothly. The train depot had been shielded and ponies were packed onto every train that could leave, headed for every corner of Equestria. However, prolonged shouting eventually gets to everypony, even princesses. Her voice was nearly gone.
Discord, meanwhile, was having the time of his life. He swooped between the ruined buildings, swatting at parasprites with dangerous-looking objects that turned out to be paradoxically non-lethal. Around his neck, he wore a lei made of sprites, their wings fused together by his magic. In his paw, he held a golf club which had been a giant flyswatter only seconds earlier. His talon held a paddleball game made from a tennis racquet and a cluster of the pests held together by glue.
Celestia jumped as somepony else teleported to her side. “Oh. Twilight,” she said, breathing heavily. “I’m glad you're here.”
“Princess Celestia, how bad is it?”
Celestia's answer was cut off as another building collapsed next to them.
“Right. Pretty bad,” Twilight said sheepishly.
“Twilight, I’m at my limit. My magic is drained. Luna has been leading the evacuation, but her voice is giving out. I’m going to switch with her. We need to keep these buildings standing to keep the roads clear, so we have to neutralize as many parasprites as possible.”
“Don’t worry, Princess. I know exactly what to do,” Twilight said with a smile. She took to their air, chasing after Discord. A minute or so later, the sound of his laughter echoed back through the streets as Celestia started shouting orders to the fleeing ponies and her sister went on the offensive. She looked in that direction just in time to see Discord vanish. Twilight teleported back to her.
“Where did he go?” Celestia asked.
“Give it a moment. You’ll see,” Twilight said cryptically.
True to Twilight's word, Discord came into sight a moment later, this time marching around a corner twirling a drum major’s mace. He was followed by a horde of identical copies of himself, all marching in formation and carrying instruments.
Celestia dropped to her haunches and watched in stunned silence as the band started to play. The parasprites all immediately stopped eating and moved closer to watch. A few minutes later, as the parade finally passed, the entire swarm fell in right behind them.
“Twilight…” she said, trailing off as further words failed to form.
“Yes, Princess Celestia?” Twilight said, her smile having advanced to a grin.
Celestia's mouth opened and closed several times before she could settle on a question. “How many were there?”
Twilight shrugged. “I counted seventy-six trombones at the front, but I lost count on the cornets.”
