Spike's Arrest: A Sparity Romance... of sorts.

by Wanderer D

Rating: teen
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Rarity, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 2002

Spike has been arrested for something Twilight could never have imagined him doing.

A hundred years after the last of their original friends passed away, Spike the dragon, former apprentice to Princess Twilight Sparkle, has been arrested for a most heinous crime. What is this crime and why did this happen? Now Twilight must find a way to solve this situation.

Warning: DO NOT READ
While nothing explicit happens in this story at all, what’s left to the imagination is more than enough to question the sanity of all involved; characters, readers and author alike.

If you feel the need to read this and comment, please pretend you didn’t and start with “I didn’t read this, but...”

Published 2013-05-29 20:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-29 20:20:01 UTC

Spike's Arrest

Spike’s Arrest: A Sparity Romance of sorts.
By Wanderer D

“Your highness,” A guard whispered into the sanctity of the Royal Library. “There’s been... a situation.”

A page stopped in mid-turn. Purple irises turned to the guard. “What type of situation?”

The guard cleared his throat. “An...um... arrest.”

The Princess’ delicate eyebrow rose an inch. “And why are you reporting this to me, Stalwart Hoof? This is hardly a matter for a Princess to deal with, much less me.”

“Well, yes, that is— it would be, but... uh, you see...”

“Stalwart.”

“Y-yes?”

“Out with it.”

“Uh, well the arrest involved your former assistant, Spike the dragon.”

Twilight Sparkle rolled her eyes and finally set down the huge tome she had been reading, slipping a bookmark in between the pages before closing it softly. “Let me guess, he wanted to be a hero and attacked a pony who was innocent?”

“Uh, no.”

Twilight frowned. “I guess he would have learned his lesson from that one time... okay, then he did find the culprit and arrested him or her.”

Stalwart Hoof shook his head.

“Did he get hurt?”

Another shake.

“Did the arrested pony get hurt?”

Another shake.

“But there was an arrest.”

A nod.

“Hmm.” Twilight shook her head. Then slowly turned to look at Stalwart Hoof. The white-coated stallion was clearly nervous. Too nervous. “Was... Spike... arrested?”

A very hesitant, tiny nod.

Twilight sighed. “This was bound to happen, ever since that dragon moved to his own cave ten years ago, to ‘have some space’,” she air-quoted as she made a passable imitation of Spike’s voice. “I knew he was going to get into trouble. And let me guess, it had something to do with gems.”

“S-sort of.”

Twilight Sparkle rose. “I’m not playing the guessing game again, Stalwart, let’s go bail him and have a stern talk about it.”

Stalwart nodded, bowing to let the Princess take the lead. Hoping against hope that she wouldn’t actually ask him why—

“So, why was Spike arrested?”

Stalwart Hoof sighed, took a deep breath and looked at his princess dead in the eye.

o.0.o

“NECROPHILIA?!”

Spike winced, somehow looking a lot smaller than the Princess herself. “W-wait! It wasn’t like that!”

“NECROPHILIA?!” Twilight repeated, incredulous. “You were arrested for necrophilia?! How would y—” She stopped herself. “Never mind that question. WHAT were you thinking? Do I even want to know?!”

“I—”

“Of all the possible things I could have imagined you doing, from razing a village to stealing the royal gems, or even that time I thought I heard you and Discord planning how to smear peanut butter all over Princess Celestia... I never, ever considered the remote possibility of having to bail you out of jail for necrophilia! Spike! That’s just... I can’t even... why... how... but...” her eye twitched.

“Well, you see—”

“I have half a mind to just leave you here for the reminder of your sentence and hope, hope that you actually learn your lesson from this!”

“And the other half?”

“It’s been blown!” Twilight shrieked. “NECROPHILIA, SPIKE! Ponies, or dragons for that matter don’t get arrested for freaking necrophilia in this day and age!”

Spike chuckled. “Well, apparently they do!”

The light in the room dimmed and Twilight’s eyes started glowing white, as her coat slowly smoked and her cutie mark shone with the inner power of magic.

“S-sorry!” Spike cried, stepping away and waving his claws placatingly. “I won’t do it again! Promise!”

“Spike.” Twilight’s voice was cavernous and eerily calm. “You better have a damned good reason for this, or by Celestia’s rump I am going to make you regret your first pube.”

“D-dragons don’t have pubes!” Spike gulped. “It’s not as it sounds! Well, not exactly!”

“What. Do. You. Mean. ‘Not exactly.’”

“W-well...”

“Spike, I might be immortal, but my patience will die shortly.”

“It’s... just I just reached dragon-age-maturity!”

Twilight blinked. “Wait. What?”

“It’s all about...”

Twilight sighed and rolled her eyes. “Rarity.”

Spike nodded sullenly.

“Spike, she’s been dead for years.” Twilight shook her head and paced around Spike. “We don’t even know how she died! You can’t seriously...”

“I promised,” Spike confessed. “That I would save myself for her, that I would wait until I was of age... Twilight it was a Dragon Code promise.”

“So you never...”

Spike shook his head.

“Not even...” Twilight moved her hoof up and down.

“Nope. Saved every single drop.”

Twilight sighed. “The day I made up that list of inane objectives for you I should have simply burnt it. It still doesn’t change the fact that you went ahead an—”

“I didn’t!” Spike interrupted. “Nothing happened! I promise!”

Twilight looked him up and down. “Then why did they charge you with necrophilia, if you didn’t.”

Spike blushed and looked away. “I... uh...”

FLASHBACK

“Yes, my love!” Spike chuckled to himself, driving the shovel down into the ground. “After so many years of waiting, I will finally consummate our unio—” he stopped when he looked up into the eyes of the horrified night guard. “Uh...” his mind flailed around for an excuse. “This is not what it looks like!”

The guard’s eyes drifted to the roses, the wine, the collapsible bed and box of condoms.

“Uh... those... were... here when I arrived?” Spike smiled, tail swishing nervously and accidentally knocking down a vat of lube.

END FLASHBACK

Spike winced when Twilight smacked her forehead against the wall for the fifth time. “Are you sure that’s healthy?”

“NOTHING in this situation is healthy!” Twilight snapped. “I should- I should... I don’t know what I should do! You’re supposed to be a grown up! You had more common sense when you were a baby!”

Spike looked down and whimpered. “B-but I saved myself for her! A hundred years, Twilight!”

Twilight sighed. “I guess that it didn’t help that she passed away shortly after your last visit. She was going to gather more gems, wasn’t she?”

Spike nodded.

“We never found the creature that did it, either,” Twilight muttered. “Must’ve been some sort of changeling mutation... that crusty substance that covered her was not normal.” Twilight shook her head. “So basically, you’re telling me, after all this time, you’re still a virgin?”

Spike blinked. “You’re not?”

Twilight shook her head. “Dammit, Spike.”

“Wow, way to make a guy feel good about himself, Twilight,” Spike muttered.

“I’m not trying to make you feel good about yourself, Spike! This whole situation stems from your inability to get over a puppy crush!”

“But—”

“But nothing!” Twilight snapped. “I’ve had it. For a hundred years you’ve been whining about Rarity. A hundred years, Spike! I think it’s time we fix this once and for all!”

Spike’s eyes went wide. “Are you... going to bring her back in the form of an undead zombie?”

“What? No! Ew!” Twilight shook her head in disgust. “Where do you even get these ideas?”

FLASHBACK

“Ugh, this is gross,” a much younger Spike muttered, looking at pictures of autopsies. “But, it’s all for you, Rarity! To me you’ll be beautiful no matter how deteriorated!”

Spike shuddered. “I don’t like it much right now but...” He glanced at the zombie-invasion comic book he had been reading. “But between these two babies, I’m sure I can get used to the idea!”

END FLASHBACK

“Uh... I dunno.” Spike looked away.

“Well, there’s no time like the present, or rather the past, to fix things!” Twilight declared. “I’ll send you back in time so you can ask Rarity if she’ll be your special somepony for... twenty minutes?”

“Is that going to be enough?” Spike asked.

Twilight snorted. “Were circumstances different, I might have given you more time, but trust me, that’s more than enough for you.”

o.0.o ONE HUNDRED YEARS AGO o.0.o

“I give you my word of honor!” Spike promised, looking dashing in his top hat and moustache and suit as he walked right next to Rarity.

Rarity smiled kindly. “Don’t worry Spike, if I’m around when you’re old enough to date me, I’ll gladly do so. But don’t hold yourself back on my account! If you do find a nice pony or dragon to date, don’t hesitate!”

“I only have eyes for you, my lady!” Spike countered with a bow.

Rarity giggled. “Oh, if only you were older, Spikey...”

“I will be! One day!”

“Yes you will!” Rarity agreed. “Oh, look! We’re at the quarry.” She smiled down at the dragon. “Thank you so much for escorting me here, Spike!”

“It was my pleasure!” Spike grinned, then sighed and frowned. “But, Twilight needs me back home for reorganizing the books. Again.”

Rarity chuckled. “Go ahead, Spikey, I’ll see you tomorrow!”

“See you soon, Rarity!” Spike called, already trotting down towards Ponyville.

Rarity went to work with a smile. “Oh, Spikey, you’re such a prize! I hope you really do find somepony!”

She stopped her spell and stared when the air crackled around her and something seemed to materialize in front of her. The ground shook and buckled under her and sinking into a small bowl-like crater when the creature appeared.

It was a dragon. It was huge. It was looking at her with really hungry eyes!

“Rarity!”

Rarity stopped the scream before it happened. She blinked and stared at those familiar purple scales. “S-spikey?”

“Rarity...” Spike whispered, looking down at her. “I’ve waited for so long...” he whispered.

Rarity’s eyes began to water. “Wait... are you saying, you waited for me until you were old enough to date me, then traveled back in time to do that?”

Spike smiled sheepishly and nodded.

Jumping to her hind legs, Rarity opened her forelegs wide, crying crystalline tears as she rushed to hug the dragon. “Spike!”

“Rarity!” Spike cried right back, holding her gently.

“Oh, Spikey, what you have done... it’s so romantic!”

“I know!” Spike replied, using the tip of his claw to gently tip her chin up. “But it was worth it, just to be with you!”

“Oh, Spike!” Rarity swooned, giving him a peck in the nose. “And... oh, my!” her eyes widened.

Spike chuckled nervously and blushed. “Y-yeah.”

“I-is this for me?”

“Um... y-yes... but don’t t-touch it... I—”

“Oh, Spike this is... wow... the words fail me!”

“R-rarity I... don’t...”

“You must have pleased more than one mare and more than one dragoness with... with these!”

“N-no, I s-sa- don’t... I’m too... cl—”

“It’s so perfect, so hard an-gahpsh!”

“RARITY!” Spike howled, tipping his head back as release hit him like a tsunami. He held Rarity in place as a hundred years of sexual frustration finally exploded out of him, quickly filling up the crater he had created with his arrival.

o.0.o A HUNDRED YEARS AND 20 MINUTES BACK IN THE FUTURE o.0.o

With a flash and a bang Spike was back, looking very guilty.

Twilight blinked. “Well, I thought you’d be back with a smile in your face and the embarrassing grin of someone that couldn’t last five minutes. Was it that bad?”

Spike cleared his throat. “Uh... I, well, it went okay at the beginning. Rarity really seemed to like me!”

Twilight nodded.

“But... uh...” He coughed. “Do you remember how Rarity was found in the quarry?”

“...yes?”

“Aaaand, how she was covered in some sort of dry... stuff?”

“...yes?”

“Well, uh...” Spike forced a really shifty grin. “You know, never mind. It was great! Thank you, Twilight!”

Twilight gave him a concerned look. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Spike nodded quickly.

Twilight sighed. “Fine, as long as this is out of the way we can continue with more important things. I’ll pay your bail. We’ll be out soon.”

Spike nodded and watched Twilight leave. Then proceeded to smack his head on the wall repeatedly. “Save every drop. Spike,” he growled, “You’re an idiot!”

o.0.o The (disgusting) End o.0.o

Author's Note

I am a bad person, aren’t I? I just... I was joking when I suggested this! I swear! It wouldn’t leave me alone! (WD crawls under his bed.) Leave me alone!