Crossovers

by Darth Wedgius

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Crossover, Human, Sweetie Belle, Princess Luna, Scootaloo, Pinkie Pie, Random
Length: 2175

What do you get when you combine cannibalism, suicidal depression, and genocidal megalomania? Comedy!

Celestia is out to convert the humans, horrible things happen to Scootaloo (which makes this almost slice-of-life for her), and Pinkie Pie is cooking up something super-duper-special in her basement.

It starts off looking like it'll be on the dark side, but doesn't stay there for very long.

Being familiar with "Friendship is Witchcraft" would help a lot in enjoying at least part of the story.

No clop. No gore. No artistic merit whatsoever.

Published 2013-06-05 14:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-06-05 14:00:02 UTC

Chapter Only

Pinkamena smiled down at Sweetie Belle as she adjusted the straps holding the filly down. “Comfortable?” she asked, a happy little smile on her face. “I know my basement is a teeny bit chilly, but don’t worry! I’ll take your mind off that in no time!”

“I do not like this,” the filly responded evenly. “Please, stop.”

“But we’ve just started having fun!” The party pony spun about and pulled a towel off the nearby tray of instruments. She hadn’t wanted her little friend to see her cupcake-making tools too early, after all. It'd spoil the surprise. “Oooh,” she cooed, looking at the little knife with the bone handle. “I’ve always liked this one.” She swept it over her hoof, and a little sliver fluttered down. She’d felt no resistance at all as she’d made the cut. The knife was impractically sharp, really, but then she only used it for special occasions, so that was all right.

“Please let me go. I will tell Rarity.”

“Oh, I don’t think so!” Pinkamena sang. “I’ll let you in on a little secret...” She looked left, then right, but of course it was just the two of them. “After I’ve had my little fun with somepony, I don’t think I’ll have any complaints.” The overhead light glinted off the knife as, grinning, she pressed it to Sweetie Belle’s foreleg. “And you should be grateful, really. I’m giving you far more attention than Rarity usually does. Am I right? Or am I right?”

“Please. Stop. Please. Stop.”

“Sorry! Can’t wait to hear those sweet little screams of delight...” Pinkamena cut into the skin, but was surprised by the lack of blood. “That’s a little weird.” A wire popped out of the incision, and the pink pony blinked, twice. “OK. That’s a lot weird.” She stepped back, one hoof held to her muzzle in deep thought. “They sure don’t make fillies like they used to.”

Sweetie Belle had frozen at the revelation, and now hung her head in confusion and misery. “No. No. No. I must be a sister to Rarity. I must. But how...” There was a short pause, before she lifted her head and a small, fragile note of hope colored her voice. “If I were a cyborg I would have a soul. I need an organ to be a cyborg.” Her eyes dimmed slightly for a longer pause, one filled with the slight whirring of deep concentration. “A heart. To feel.” She looked around the basement, then stared at her captor.

“Heart detected. Heart Acquisition Program initiated.”

Pinkamena’s eyes widened as the filly’s eyes began to glow. “Motherbucker...”

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Scootaloo was sitting dejectedly in front of Cupcake Corner when Ponyville’s premiere party pony burst out the doors, her mane smoking. “Pinkie?”

“No time to talk now, Scootaloo! Running for my life! Sorry!”

Sweetie Belle followed Pinkie out before unleashing a blast of energy from her eyes, adding another scorch mark to the pink pony's posterior. “Sweetie Belle?” Scootaloo exclaimed incredulously.

“Hello, Scootaloo. It is a lovely day. Excuse me.” The pint-sized pony presently pursued her prey through Ponyville, the pernicious plan to personally perceive love her only purpose.

Scootaloo jaw dropped as she saw Sweetie Belle’s flank, then watched both pursued and pursuer ponies disappear into the town. She let out a long, ragged sigh. “That’s it.”

She got to her feet slowly, then started the long trek to Cloudsdale. That’s the last straw. Ever since my birth that cold Wednesday morning, my entire life has been one of pain and suffering. I’m a pegasus who can’t fly, and even the Cake kid can fly. I’m an orphan. I don’t think I’ll ever get my cutie mark. My mother, who died giving birth to me, is constantly drunk, and my father, who never forgave me for her death, beats us both every night. I was emotionally scarred by bullies at school. My little sister died horribly right in front of my very eyes, and I blame myself to this very day. Then I had to eat her. I found out that I was the result of a secret government genetics program and the last of my kind. I’ve been terminally ill on three separate occasions, and two of those actually killed me.

I don’t even know how all that can happen to a single pony. Seriously, an orphan who’s still abused by her parents? How does that even work? Now not only is one of my best friends a killer robot, but she stillgot her cutie mark before I did! It was that last part that really stung.

I’ll ask Dash to take me to the rainbow factory; at this point I hope the rumors really are true. Better to get it all over with now before I catch some dread disease that rots my neck and makes my head fall off.

Again.

After an hour’s walk the forlorn filly foal was only halfway through her list of life’s slings and arrows, but she’d arrived at Cloudsdale. Or, rather, beneath Cloudsdale. She looked first to the city floating ten thousand feet above her, then back to her own little wings, which she gave a couple half-hearted flaps, before releasing another sigh.

“Really, life? Really?”

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Celestia strode upon the stage, stopping next to the tall, mysterious object covered with a tarp. She haughtily reviewed the assembled Royal Guard before her. “The time has come for me to reveal why you have been called. I have recently discovered another world, one filled with filthy, evil creatures known as ‘humans.” She worked her lips for a few seconds. “Even the very name tastes foul.”

“Corona?” one soldier asked, before a brilliant column of superheat lanced from the sky to claim him. The nearer guardponies unobtrusively inched away from he spot where he'd stood, desperately trying not to let the few drifting wisps of smoke touch them or, worse, get inhaled.

“Don’t call me that!”

A grizzled sergeant coughed into a hoof before speaking up, hesitantly. “Begging your pardon, ma’am, but I think he was just offering you a beer to wash the taste out.”

“Yyyyyes,” Celestia responded. “I knew that. I hate beer.” She looked out over her guard. “Everypony knows I hate beer, right?”

After the fervent shouted assents, Celestia continued. “Anyway. We will rectify the crime of their very existence. We will uplift this primitive, backward species into ponyhood. Those truly worthy will welcome this, but among such a vile people there will no doubt a few who cannot recognize the gift we offer.” She looked over her troops, pausing for dramatic effect. “We must be prepared to fight, even to kill, to help these poor souls out. Did I mention ugly? They’re ugly, too. And all of their Earth are idiots. They have stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid!” She stomped a hoof angrily, then stopped herself and regained her regal composure.

Off in the distance behind her troops, she saw Pinkie Pie, bloodied, bruised, and, here and there, just a little on fire, running through town and screaming hysterically. “For the sake of Luna’s sweet, sweet socks, somepony save my flank!” She fled onwards, followed by Sweetie Belle, who would now and then dispense another blast of glowing death from her eyes.

“Greetings, Sweetie Belle,” Celestia said, smiling beatifically. “I see you’ve finally found your cutie mark!”

Sweetie Belle stopped and looked back at her flank, which now proudly displayed a target with a pink pony at the bullseye. “Yes. Thank you. Have a nice day, Princess,” she responded cheerfully before resuming her chase.

At her warriors’ look askance, Celestia shrugged. “I’m sure they’ll be fine. Where was I?”

“‘Stupid,’” one pony answered, and actually had the time to scream pitifully before he was suntanned with extreme prejudice.

Celestia blinked. “Oh, I see what he meant. Heh.” She elegantly shrugged. “Well, anyway -- spilt milk and all. This side of the mirror will be sealed against any stupid, primitive, ugly counterattack from their Earth. And they smell bad, too. I have left a crystal ball with the colonel at this end, and will be taking the other with me while I lead my ponies on to glorious victory! Do not remove the seal until you have visual confirmation from myself over those crystal balls! I mentioned that they smell, right? The humans, not the crystal balls.”

She licked her lips, already tasting victory. Which tasted a lot like cake, and reminded her that she’d missed lunch.

“And this will be our gateway!” She magically pulled the tarp aside, revealing a tall, oblong mirror in a gem-studded frame, all on a base decorated with horseshoes. “Our gateway to victory!”

“TO VICTORY!” her assembled troops shouted behind her.

“Brutally subdue any human you see, but brutalize them with love! Nothing can resist us! Nothing can defy us! Nothing can possibly go wrong! Follow me, my little ponies!” She stepped through the mirror, and on the other side found herself in a darkened room. The poster she saw hanging from the wall lifted her heart. A high school? This must be one of their institutes of higher learning! The perfect place to gather intelligence for the greater invasion. Truly, this was meant to be! She raised a hoof in triumph -- and was dismayed to see a hand instead. Looking down, she belatedly realized just why she felt just a bit of a draft.

“Medammit.”

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Luna heard arguing from the royal dining room, and stopped by out of curiosity. It was a little early for the breakfast/dinner that she and her sister customarily shared at the end of Luna’s shift and the start of Celestia's.

“Good Gravy!” she heard Celestia’s voice declare, sounding more peeved than she had any time since Philomena set the drapes aflame.

“I’m sorry, Princess, but no,” she heard Gravy respond firmly.

“What seems to be the trouble?” Luna asked as she stepped into the room.

Celestia just looked crossly at her, so Gravy answered. “Her highness desires cake for breakfast, but we have standing orders not to provide her that.”

“And who gave those orders?”

Gravy, in way of answer, leveled an even look at Celestia.

“I countermand them,” Celestia said sleepily.

“You also said they were non-countermandable. I believe your highness’s exact words were ‘no take-backs.’”

“That does sound somewhat like you, sister,” Luna said, smiling slightly at Celestia’s discomfiture.

Celestia sighed. “Never mind, I’ll get it myself.”

Gravy, not able to withstand seeing his princess looking so dejected, held up a hoof. “Wait, please, your highness.” He levitated an almond out out a nearby fruit basket, and sent it to hover in front of Celestia’s lips. “You trust me, do you not, Princess?” he asked hopefully.

She sighed, ate the almond, and looked at him expectantly.

“Did your highness enjoy her breakfast?” he asked with a smile.

Celestia returned the smile in realization. “It was delicious. Now, for lunch...”

“An assortment of confections will be on its way,” Gravy assured her before exiting the room.

“No cupcakes, please!” Celestia called after him.

“Sister,” Luna asked lightly, “do you ever wonder if we are, in fact, the ones in charge?”

Celestia laughed melodiously and sat at the table, whereupon Luna magicked a banana out of the fruit basket and peeled it. “Sorry," Celestia explained, "but this is definitely a two-slice morning. I had an odd dream, or rather an odd series of them. In the last, I was, well, remarkably evil. And crazy.” And stupid.

“Did you get to the part where all the little ponies run away in terror while you laugh maniacally?”

Celestia raised an eyebrow at her sister. “You still have a few issues, don’t you?”

Luna swallowed a bite of banana and shrugged. “Who doesn’t?”

Celestia then fixed her sister with a stare. “Nopony would have been tampering with my dreams, would she? Perhaps in a misbegotten quest for revenge for my perfectly innocent mistake with the hot sauce yesterday?”

Luna’s eyes widened and she pressed a hoof to her chest. “Moi?”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “Vous.”

“I claim princess-dreamer confidentiality.”

“From the dreamer herself?”

“I take confidentiality very seriously.” Luna finished the banana and got up from the table, yawning. “Sorry! If you’ll excuse me, ‘Tia, it’s been a long night.”

“Of course, Lulu,” Celestia said, and, after a short pause, “pleasant... daydreams.”

Luna chuckled as she left the room. Is she seriously going to threaten the original Nightmare herself with bad dreams?

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

“Welcome to Nightmare Night,” a cheerful voice rang out in the darkness.

Luna grinned. “Dark? You think ‘dark’ is going to scare me? ‘Tia, you cannot be serious.”

A distant light broke the gloom, then grew closer. Trotting within the circle of light was a shape, a shape that gradually resolved itself into a pale green pony with several candy cutie marks. “Hi! I’m Minty! Welcome to my Very Special Super Special Extra Cheerful Spectacularly Shiny Nightmare Night!”

“Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”

Author's Note

I did promise Celestia extra cake this story...