Alice in Ponyville

What do a King, a god of chaos, and a suckish book series have in common?

I kicked their plots.

My name is Alice Karmen, and this is my story.

Friday night in London. Forget Spain or Iblis(Or whatever that place was called), this place is definitely the party capital of the world.

At a first glance, this street seemed average. Then you noticed the walls covered in graffiti, the hobo-vomit on the pavement, the and open beer bottles full of a suspicious liquid on the roadside. Forget what the old books told you. In London, the streets were paved with urine, not gold.

Then you entered one of the huge apartment buildings, or flat buildings, or whatever they were called. You ignored the empty rooms, and the poor people living there. You went into the correct tiny room at the right time, and all of a sudden, it’s bright colours, flashing lights, sultry dancing,- Woah, is this even the same country?

In secret house parties like this, there were no rules. Well, some had rules, but they were rules that didn't interfere with fun.

/Fun./ Heh, as if this could be called fun. Well, it was fun, but not in the way that a kid's birthday party was. This wasn't a kid's party.

I reflected on this as I waited in the lift, looking hot, as always. I certainly wasn't going to wear any of my self-made high-quality Cosplay outfits to a place like this. I leaned against the wall, since I was the only one there, and the lift was taking ages to get to room 42. A cheap pair of white trainers were on my feet, laces undone and tucked into the sides, a pair of tight white elastic bike shorts clung to my 'plot', as I had started to call it ever since becoming a fan of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, the greatest show of all time, and an electric-blue T-shirt was upon my chest. Its neckline was so low that anyone who looked in my general direction could easily see the frilly black bra I 'borrowed' from my Uncle(Don't ask. Ever.). My blue-green eyes were hidden behind large circular sunglasses I’d picked up last week for £2.50, and I looked hot, in a chav '**** and chuck' sort of way, which was exactly the look I was going for. Not bad, for 17. Average height, athletic build, but I guess I could do with being taller though, since Anime characters are usually tall, and height is an important part of cosplay. I'm smart, but I don't like to brag about it... much. In public, anyway. Usually, you'll only ever see me get crazy-high test results, and I’ll claim it was pure dumb luck.

Speaking of luck, the doors of the elev- LIFT, ITS A LIFT, The doors of the lift opened. Floor 28?

I rolled my eyes, got a crazy-sharp Number2 HB pencil out of my right pocket, twirled it expertly around my right hand, and used the red blunt end to press the '42' button on the lift controls.

I sighed. I went out tonight to have fun and get out of the house, not to wait around in a foul-smelling lift. Friday night every two weeks was my party night, every other night was either Study night, Cosplay night, or Cry-alone-in-a-corner night.

Boy, that escalated quickly.

I study because I have to. I need to. I want to become a lawyer, and get out of this place. Sure, it’s fun, but it doesn’t really mean anything. As a lawyer, I could be successful and brilliant for ten years, and then do something batcrap-crazy in the courtroom or on live TV or maybe in front of the press, like show up to a trial dressed in a Mei Terumi or Rainbow Dash or Haruhi Suziyama cosplay. I'd be hilarious and fake-drunk and become an internet sensation. Or, I'd straightface and deadpan through the whole trial while dressed like a pony, and maybe even win despite my hairbows/rainbows.

Rainbows and Hairbows. That is mine now. I'm keeping it, I'm calling dibs, and it's mine now. I might name a chapter or story after it, or something. Better yet, a Haruhi SuziyamaxRainbow Dash shipfic. It’s mine. FOREVEEEERRR.

I'd become an internet sensation. I'd possibly be held in contempt of court, but it'd be worth it. I'd get my own reality TV show, and ridiculously famous blog. Then I'd spend my days giving epic burns to all the many, many dumbass celebrities, like that woman who ate a Disposable Women's Hygiene Product (And what I remember her for, getting an epic burn from the actor who plays Kat from Victorious when she insulted her) and temporarily became more famous than that orange 'Rapper' that looked like the unholy offspring of Mrs Potato Head and an Oompa Loompa.

/Ding!/ Finally, the doors opened. I checked outside. Floor 42. Praise be to Yevon. I left the lift and started looking for the right door.

Found it. I entered, and loud music and bad smells and bright lights immediately assaulted my face. I forced myself to enter. This was party night. I must party. I can be a reasonable and respectable cosplayer and actress and writer some other night.

Bad rap music blasted through the room, and cheap spinny-disco-light-thingies illuminated the smoke that I really hoped was coming from a smoke machine.

Normally, I wouldn't be in a place like this. Usually. Mostly. Okay, fine, I might frequent secret lawless house parties every few weeks. I don't get out much, so when I do get out, I need to make up for it. And this... once you got over the awful music and people willing to do anything for a good time, they weren't too bad.

At these parties, everyone understood one thing: All humans died some day. Screw society and laws and social conventions, we want to have fun, and we don't care about the consequences. Life is merely a protein-based organism, sentient thought is a cheap parlour trick, and just as stars fade, black holes collapse, comets break up, and planets are destroyed, all things came to an end.

All of Human civilisation had all been leading up to this.

Fire, the wheel, electricity, the internet, and internet porn. Everything humans had achieved, it was all to make life easier for themselves, so they could have fun partying instead.

It sounded deep, but these days, most people wouldn't be able to memorise even a fourth of that speech. Instead, they condensed it, liphosuctioned out all of the depth, removed any real message or moral, and turned it into 'Yolo', You Only Live Once. The moral and message was gone, and people used it as an excuse to smoke, instead of truly cherishing their life and the so-called preciousness of it all.

"PAR-TAY!" I yelled, walking into the room and joining the crowd of dancers. Nobody even noticed me come in. Good, since I can't remember if I was actually invited to that party or if I just heard about it when I hacked Elise's email. I like hacking emails, except it isn't really hacking, I'm just guessing passwords. I'm good at that, guessing what people use for passwords, or what they’d do in a certain situation.

I "danced" like everyone else, which was pretty much just sticking up my arms and gyrating slowly. I don't know why people find this hot. Actual professional rehearsed dance routines are way hotter.

After a few minutes of spinning in a circle, a guy came over. He looked stupid, with a dumb hairstyle, bad tracksuit and pierced everything on his face, but I was bored. Anything That Moves, that's my motto. Except when it’s not.

We left the party, went to the bathroom, and danced.

Aaanyway, swiftly moving on:

A few hours later, I arrived home. I took off my shirt and threw it at a wall, but I kept my bra on. It fell to the ground lifelessly, because it was a shirt, and most shirts, like the ones I have, aren’t alive. I went into the bathroom and washed my hands as thoroughly as possible. I then got some disinfectant, and used it on my hands and elbows. My left elbow was still hurting from where I'd elbowed that guy in the face. Then again, he'd deserved it, after what he'd called me.

I rolled my eyes. He was dumb, therefore his opinion of me did not matter. It was not formed on any logical observations, and therefore all personal comments were null and void. My costume might have contributed to the impression he gained that resulted in him claiming... Wait, why do I even care? It doesn't even make sense. Therefore it has no meaning.

"What fun is there in making sense?" A voice asked from behind me. It sounded absolutely like Discord, so therefore it was- Wait, it can't be him, he's... unavailable. So it must be someone else. Someone else, in my bathroom.

I immediately whirled around and drove my right elbow into the intruder's chest, using the momentum to strengthen the blow, followed by my left elbow used on its own power, and then a heel kick that should have pushed him back against the wall, but instead it only made him step back a few paces. Only then did I notice the brown fur, the odd serpentine body, the yellow and red eyes, and the mismatched lion/bird arms.

He stepped back, gasping for breath. I saw the rest of him, and... By Giygas's blessed dice... It was him. Definitely him. No doubt about it.

Discord was right there, in the pony-goat-bird-dragon-bird-bird-chicken-bird-lion-bird flesh. Discord was in my bathroom, and he watched me wash my hands.

After briefly wondering if the internet had a term for stalking someone, sneaking into their bathroom and watching them wash their hands and elbows, and deciding that not only did it probably have one, it probably also had an entire image board dedicated to it, I screamed in joy.

"Discord!" I yelled, hugging him. "Omigoshomigoshomigosh, I always knew this day would come!"

"You did?" Discord asked in surprise.

"I do!"

"Do what?" He deadpanned.

"Marry me, Discord!" I yelled like a fangirl.

Discord snapped his fingers, teleporting away and re-appearing on the other side of the room.

"Now, now," Discord said mockingly, and snapped his fingers again. A rolled-up parchment appeared near him in mid-air, bound by a red ribbon, and floated over to me. "I'm here to offer you a deal." He snapped again, and suddenly my hands and elbows were dry, and so was he.

I squeed louder than I did when I heard Season 4 was going to be longer than the other seasons. Discord was right there, and he was offering me a deal! A thousand questions fought for dominance on my mouth, and I was surprised at the one that won. "Wait, weren't you turned to stone?" I asked.

"Yes, but I've been reformed!" He insisted. "Friendship is magic!"

I laughed at the title-drop, and grabbed the parchment because it was totally a contract. I hoped.  I undid the ribbon and threw it over my shoulder where it splatted against the wall like melted wax, which was unexpected. However, just as I had expected, the contract unfolded and kept unfolding until the other end had fallen to my bathroom floor, like the longest and oldest A4 sheet of paper ever.

I started to read the contract, and my mind immediately told me: Unknown font, possibly Brush Script M7, Font Size 1... If this was typed up on a computer, which it probably wasn't. Anyway, the writing was really tiny, but I could still read it if I held it closer to my face.

Discord snapped, and the contract rolled itself up again like one of those window-thingies that always showed up in Tom and Jerry cartoons. By the way, I hate those, and I wish the cat would just grab that annoying rat and be done with it already. He smiled. "I know how much you love Equestria, and how much you loathe this planet." He started rhyming. "When all your world does, is-"

"YES!" I yelled, grabbing Discord and kissing him on the lips. He tasted weird, like every kind of meat at once, plus chicken and tartar sauce. The chicken and tartar sauce taste was stronger than anything else. His eyes widened in unexpected horror, and he snapped his fingers/claws again. He teleported to the other side of the room, and snapped again. Humanoid clothes mannequins appeared around me and started sliding around lifelessly, circling like vultures around their prey, and they slowly changed from faceless humanoid mannequins to the pony mannequins sometimes seen in Rarity's botique. Discord regained his composure, and smirked again. "The deal is: I'll send you to Equestria, forever. However, you can't come home until you've spent three months in Equestria. After that, you can travel between the worlds as you wish."

"Will I be stuck as a human?" I asked. I’d read enough crappy self-insert fanfics to know how things would go if I was the only human in Ponyville. Knowing my luck, I’d either end up as the new Princess, or I’d be lynched by angry townsponies, dying lonely and alone, and nopony would even remember my name.

"Of course not!" He said emphatically, waving a paw.

Good, there’s one crisis averted. "Can I go to Ponyville, and meet the Mane 6?" I asked happily.

"Who?" He asked.

"Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Applejack and Fluttershy?"

"Certainly!" He said with an evil grin.

I paused to think. A happy life in Equestria? Or living in my family’s attic, secretly blogging in the hopes of saving up money to get my own flat, and maybe make a living selling costumes? Making a complete fool of myself every second friday night? Here, I was a loser. There, I could be a pony. And meet other ponies. I really hope Fanon is right about Rainbow Dash.

I smiled, and nodded. "Discord, I accept! Send me to Ponyville!"

Discord grinned evilly, and just for a second, I wondered if this was going to end badly. But then again... Ponies. And that was all the justification I needed.

He snapped his fingers one last time, and I grinned. It was pony time. Forever.

Pinkie Pie’s infamous ‘Foreverrrr’ from the episode that had too much Fluttershy and not enough Rarity rang through my head, and it was the last thing I remembered before I blacked out.