Alice in Ponyville

by Alice605

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Tragedy, Human, Slice of Life, Romance
Length: 7741

What do a King, a god of chaos, and a suckish book series have in common? I kicked their plots. My name is Alice Karmen, and this is my story.

You've probably read those fanfics the "Hero" never stops whining. You've probably read those fanfics where everything goes perfectly for the "Hero". You've probably read those fanfics where humans are sent to Equestria, and they become Ponies, or Griffons, or Diamond Dogs, and sometimes they even stay Human.

This story is not like those stories.

My name is Alice Karmen, and this is my story.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-06-14 19:50:01 UTC

It Begins.

What do a King, a god of chaos, and a suckish book series have in common?

I kicked their plots.

My name is Alice Karmen, and this is my story.

Friday night in London. Forget Spain or Iblis(Or whatever that place was called), this place is definitely the party capital of the world.

At a first glance, this street seemed average. Then you noticed the walls covered in graffiti, the hobo-vomit on the pavement, the and open beer bottles full of a suspicious liquid on the roadside. Forget what the old books told you. In London, the streets were paved with urine, not gold.

Then you entered one of the huge apartment buildings, or flat buildings, or whatever they were called. You ignored the empty rooms, and the poor people living there. You went into the correct tiny room at the right time, and all of a sudden, it’s bright colours, flashing lights, sultry dancing,- Woah, is this even the same country?

In secret house parties like this, there were no rules. Well, some had rules, but they were rules that didn't interfere with fun.

/Fun./ Heh, as if this could be called fun. Well, it was fun, but not in the way that a kid's birthday party was. This wasn't a kid's party.

I reflected on this as I waited in the lift, looking hot, as always. I certainly wasn't going to wear any of my self-made high-quality Cosplay outfits to a place like this. I leaned against the wall, since I was the only one there, and the lift was taking ages to get to room 42. A cheap pair of white trainers were on my feet, laces undone and tucked into the sides, a pair of tight white elastic bike shorts clung to my 'plot', as I had started to call it ever since becoming a fan of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, the greatest show of all time, and an electric-blue T-shirt was upon my chest. Its neckline was so low that anyone who looked in my general direction could easily see the frilly black bra I 'borrowed' from my Uncle(Don't ask. Ever.). My blue-green eyes were hidden behind large circular sunglasses I’d picked up last week for £2.50, and I looked hot, in a chav '**** and chuck' sort of way, which was exactly the look I was going for. Not bad, for 17. Average height, athletic build, but I guess I could do with being taller though, since Anime characters are usually tall, and height is an important part of cosplay. I'm smart, but I don't like to brag about it... much. In public, anyway. Usually, you'll only ever see me get crazy-high test results, and I’ll claim it was pure dumb luck.

Speaking of luck, the doors of the elev- LIFT, ITS A LIFT, The doors of the lift opened. Floor 28?

I rolled my eyes, got a crazy-sharp Number2 HB pencil out of my right pocket, twirled it expertly around my right hand, and used the red blunt end to press the '42' button on the lift controls.

I sighed. I went out tonight to have fun and get out of the house, not to wait around in a foul-smelling lift. Friday night every two weeks was my party night, every other night was either Study night, Cosplay night, or Cry-alone-in-a-corner night.

Boy, that escalated quickly.

I study because I have to. I need to. I want to become a lawyer, and get out of this place. Sure, it’s fun, but it doesn’t really mean anything. As a lawyer, I could be successful and brilliant for ten years, and then do something batcrap-crazy in the courtroom or on live TV or maybe in front of the press, like show up to a trial dressed in a Mei Terumi or Rainbow Dash or Haruhi Suziyama cosplay. I'd be hilarious and fake-drunk and become an internet sensation. Or, I'd straightface and deadpan through the whole trial while dressed like a pony, and maybe even win despite my hairbows/rainbows.

Rainbows and Hairbows. That is mine now. I'm keeping it, I'm calling dibs, and it's mine now. I might name a chapter or story after it, or something. Better yet, a Haruhi SuziyamaxRainbow Dash shipfic. It’s mine. FOREVEEEERRR.

I'd become an internet sensation. I'd possibly be held in contempt of court, but it'd be worth it. I'd get my own reality TV show, and ridiculously famous blog. Then I'd spend my days giving epic burns to all the many, many dumbass celebrities, like that woman who ate a Disposable Women's Hygiene Product (And what I remember her for, getting an epic burn from the actor who plays Kat from Victorious when she insulted her) and temporarily became more famous than that orange 'Rapper' that looked like the unholy offspring of Mrs Potato Head and an Oompa Loompa.

/Ding!/ Finally, the doors opened. I checked outside. Floor 42. Praise be to Yevon. I left the lift and started looking for the right door.

Found it. I entered, and loud music and bad smells and bright lights immediately assaulted my face. I forced myself to enter. This was party night. I must party. I can be a reasonable and respectable cosplayer and actress and writer some other night.

Bad rap music blasted through the room, and cheap spinny-disco-light-thingies illuminated the smoke that I really hoped was coming from a smoke machine.

Normally, I wouldn't be in a place like this. Usually. Mostly. Okay, fine, I might frequent secret lawless house parties every few weeks. I don't get out much, so when I do get out, I need to make up for it. And this... once you got over the awful music and people willing to do anything for a good time, they weren't too bad.

At these parties, everyone understood one thing: All humans died some day. Screw society and laws and social conventions, we want to have fun, and we don't care about the consequences. Life is merely a protein-based organism, sentient thought is a cheap parlour trick, and just as stars fade, black holes collapse, comets break up, and planets are destroyed, all things came to an end.

All of Human civilisation had all been leading up to this.

Fire, the wheel, electricity, the internet, and internet porn. Everything humans had achieved, it was all to make life easier for themselves, so they could have fun partying instead.

It sounded deep, but these days, most people wouldn't be able to memorise even a fourth of that speech. Instead, they condensed it, liphosuctioned out all of the depth, removed any real message or moral, and turned it into 'Yolo', You Only Live Once. The moral and message was gone, and people used it as an excuse to smoke, instead of truly cherishing their life and the so-called preciousness of it all.

"PAR-TAY!" I yelled, walking into the room and joining the crowd of dancers. Nobody even noticed me come in. Good, since I can't remember if I was actually invited to that party or if I just heard about it when I hacked Elise's email. I like hacking emails, except it isn't really hacking, I'm just guessing passwords. I'm good at that, guessing what people use for passwords, or what they’d do in a certain situation.

I "danced" like everyone else, which was pretty much just sticking up my arms and gyrating slowly. I don't know why people find this hot. Actual professional rehearsed dance routines are way hotter.

After a few minutes of spinning in a circle, a guy came over. He looked stupid, with a dumb hairstyle, bad tracksuit and pierced everything on his face, but I was bored. Anything That Moves, that's my motto. Except when it’s not.

We left the party, went to the bathroom, and danced.

Aaanyway, swiftly moving on:

A few hours later, I arrived home. I took off my shirt and threw it at a wall, but I kept my bra on. It fell to the ground lifelessly, because it was a shirt, and most shirts, like the ones I have, aren’t alive. I went into the bathroom and washed my hands as thoroughly as possible. I then got some disinfectant, and used it on my hands and elbows. My left elbow was still hurting from where I'd elbowed that guy in the face. Then again, he'd deserved it, after what he'd called me.

I rolled my eyes. He was dumb, therefore his opinion of me did not matter. It was not formed on any logical observations, and therefore all personal comments were null and void. My costume might have contributed to the impression he gained that resulted in him claiming... Wait, why do I even care? It doesn't even make sense. Therefore it has no meaning.

"What fun is there in making sense?" A voice asked from behind me. It sounded absolutely like Discord, so therefore it was- Wait, it can't be him, he's... unavailable. So it must be someone else. Someone else, in my bathroom.

I immediately whirled around and drove my right elbow into the intruder's chest, using the momentum to strengthen the blow, followed by my left elbow used on its own power, and then a heel kick that should have pushed him back against the wall, but instead it only made him step back a few paces. Only then did I notice the brown fur, the odd serpentine body, the yellow and red eyes, and the mismatched lion/bird arms.

He stepped back, gasping for breath. I saw the rest of him, and... By Giygas's blessed dice... It was him. Definitely him. No doubt about it.

Discord was right there, in the pony-goat-bird-dragon-bird-bird-chicken-bird-lion-bird flesh. Discord was in my bathroom, and he watched me wash my hands.

After briefly wondering if the internet had a term for stalking someone, sneaking into their bathroom and watching them wash their hands and elbows, and deciding that not only did it probably have one, it probably also had an entire image board dedicated to it, I screamed in joy.

"Discord!" I yelled, hugging him. "Omigoshomigoshomigosh, I always knew this day would come!"

"You did?" Discord asked in surprise.

"I do!"

"Do what?" He deadpanned.

"Marry me, Discord!" I yelled like a fangirl.

Discord snapped his fingers, teleporting away and re-appearing on the other side of the room.

"Now, now," Discord said mockingly, and snapped his fingers again. A rolled-up parchment appeared near him in mid-air, bound by a red ribbon, and floated over to me. "I'm here to offer you a deal." He snapped again, and suddenly my hands and elbows were dry, and so was he.

I squeed louder than I did when I heard Season 4 was going to be longer than the other seasons. Discord was right there, and he was offering me a deal! A thousand questions fought for dominance on my mouth, and I was surprised at the one that won. "Wait, weren't you turned to stone?" I asked.

"Yes, but I've been reformed!" He insisted. "Friendship is magic!"

I laughed at the title-drop, and grabbed the parchment because it was totally a contract. I hoped.  I undid the ribbon and threw it over my shoulder where it splatted against the wall like melted wax, which was unexpected. However, just as I had expected, the contract unfolded and kept unfolding until the other end had fallen to my bathroom floor, like the longest and oldest A4 sheet of paper ever.

I started to read the contract, and my mind immediately told me: Unknown font, possibly Brush Script M7, Font Size 1... If this was typed up on a computer, which it probably wasn't. Anyway, the writing was really tiny, but I could still read it if I held it closer to my face.

Discord snapped, and the contract rolled itself up again like one of those window-thingies that always showed up in Tom and Jerry cartoons. By the way, I hate those, and I wish the cat would just grab that annoying rat and be done with it already. He smiled. "I know how much you love Equestria, and how much you loathe this planet." He started rhyming. "When all your world does, is-"

"YES!" I yelled, grabbing Discord and kissing him on the lips. He tasted weird, like every kind of meat at once, plus chicken and tartar sauce. The chicken and tartar sauce taste was stronger than anything else. His eyes widened in unexpected horror, and he snapped his fingers/claws again. He teleported to the other side of the room, and snapped again. Humanoid clothes mannequins appeared around me and started sliding around lifelessly, circling like vultures around their prey, and they slowly changed from faceless humanoid mannequins to the pony mannequins sometimes seen in Rarity's botique. Discord regained his composure, and smirked again. "The deal is: I'll send you to Equestria, forever. However, you can't come home until you've spent three months in Equestria. After that, you can travel between the worlds as you wish."

"Will I be stuck as a human?" I asked. I’d read enough crappy self-insert fanfics to know how things would go if I was the only human in Ponyville. Knowing my luck, I’d either end up as the new Princess, or I’d be lynched by angry townsponies, dying lonely and alone, and nopony would even remember my name.

"Of course not!" He said emphatically, waving a paw.

Good, there’s one crisis averted. "Can I go to Ponyville, and meet the Mane 6?" I asked happily.

"Who?" He asked.

"Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Applejack and Fluttershy?"

"Certainly!" He said with an evil grin.

I paused to think. A happy life in Equestria? Or living in my family’s attic, secretly blogging in the hopes of saving up money to get my own flat, and maybe make a living selling costumes? Making a complete fool of myself every second friday night? Here, I was a loser. There, I could be a pony. And meet other ponies. I really hope Fanon is right about Rainbow Dash.

I smiled, and nodded. "Discord, I accept! Send me to Ponyville!"

Discord grinned evilly, and just for a second, I wondered if this was going to end badly. But then again... Ponies. And that was all the justification I needed.

He snapped his fingers one last time, and I grinned. It was pony time. Forever.

Pinkie Pie’s infamous ‘Foreverrrr’ from the episode that had too much Fluttershy and not enough Rarity rang through my head, and it was the last thing I remembered before I blacked out.

Twilight of the Clods

I awoke atop a large green hill, I was on my back, the sky was blue and cloudless, and there was a pink pony with a yellow mane staring at me in absolute horror. I leapt to my feet, and noticed that I had a

tail. I snapped my fingers and a mirror appeared, and I saw that I was now a Draconequus. A freakin' Draconequus. I guessed I still looked good, and I bet my Rule 34 would look great. But this... was... unexpected. Then again, it was Discord. Why did I expect him to give me what I expected?

Hang on. I'm Discord, too. Or Discord-ess. Discordessa? Discordia? Meh, I'll stick with Alice for now. I snapped my fingers, and my hairstyle changed. My Long, white hair changed to red, and I now looked a little more like me. I missed my hats. Any hat. I felt naked without a hat, and not in a good way.

My white and blue Mizukage hat instantly appeared atop my head. I squeed. Looks like the finger-snapping wasn't actually needed for magic. Good, since ponies don't have fingers, and I wouldn't want to

mode-lock myself into something lame, like an Earth Pony. Not that there was anything wrong with Earth Ponies, I'd just rather be a Pegasus or Unicorn. Or Alicorn. Then again, those were too Mary-Sueish. Besides, nopony (Besides Pinkie Pie) would notice a new Unicorn or Pegasus in town. But an Alicorn Princess? I don't want the whole town bowing down to me, I want to befriend ponies!

And looking like Discord... Well, that wouldn't help matters much. I nodded my head, and became my Ponysona, a Ponyfied/Ponified version of myself.

A long red mane around my head, like Vinyl Scratch's but longer. A whiteish-blue body, about the same size and shape as Rainbow Dash's, and my green-blue eyes. My Mizukage cone-hat floated onto my head, and I quickly nodded my head again, replacing the Water-Kanji with a deep blue six-pointed star, like the one on Twilight's flanks. Speaking of flanks, I noticed that my Cutie Mark was missing from my flanks. Then again, having... 'THAT; as a Cutie Mark would draw unwanted attention. Besides, PipBucks weren't even in this Equestria yet. I could tell, because Equestria still looked nice.

Before I continued, I looked at the pink-and-yellow pony. Was she named Lily? I gave her a huge pony Pinkie Pie-inspired grin. "Hi! I'm Alice!"

"Malice?" Lily wondered in horror.

"No, my name is... actually..." I frowned thoughtfully as I realised Alice wasn't much of a Pony name. Malice was more of a villain name. Appropriate, considering Malice was the name of my OC, a badass Broken Bird of a Unicorn, the one that would have been the 'protagonist' of my Fallout Equestria fanfic if I ever actually finished reading the story. I looked around for a thing, anything I could use as a name. Tree? Nope. Grass? Nnnnope. Cloud? AW HELL NAW. Actually... Maybe. Try the colours first.

I quickly ran through a mental list of every name for every colour I knew. Eventually, I decided on one, and as I spoke, I nodded my pony head and made my chosen Cutie Mark appear.

"My name is Azure Starburst." I said happily as I made my fake Cutie Mark appear: A light-blue six-pointed star in the center of a golden Infinity Loop. I added the slightest hint of a Japanese accent into my voice, and then added more and more as I continued, to see how much was too much. "Can you... directu me to theee... Suguarwaru Kyuubei Coaarner?"

She tilted her head questioningly.

"Sugarcube Corner." I said, dialing down the Engrish.

"What are you?" The yellow-haired pink pony asked in wonder. "Where are you from?"

I instantly remembered the Fan wiki, and grinned. "I am Neighponese.

Tell me, where is the... Sugarcube Corner?"

"That... That way?" She said worriedly, pointing a hoof behind me.

I looked where she was pointing, and saw Ponyville, right there off in the distance. "Thank you." I said to her, grinning like a loon. I bounced off towards Ponyville, mainly because I had no idea how to walk like a pony. They felt sort of like arms and legs, which was good, but I wasn't used to having them be this size. Besides, bouncing was cute. Yeah, I could make this work. As long as nopony found out that I'm actually a Draconequus now, everything would be fine.

I grinned as I bounced through ponyville, surprised at how light my body felt, and how easy this was. My new pony body was either really strong, or really light, or both. Either way, this day was going to be awesome. The kind of day of which I’d dreamed since I was small. Everypony will gather 'round, say... uh... Look at this new friend I've found? I'll finish that song later.

I saw familiar landmarks as I bounced through the grassy streets, such as Rairty's botique, and that house that might have been Vinyl's, if Fanon was to be believed. I couldn't hear any crazy-loud awesome music coming from it, so it probably wasn't hers.

I noticed a lot of few background ponies, and they all looked at me strangely, as if wondering why I was bouncing, and wondering if I was related to Pinkie Pie. I wasn't, and Pinkie Pie's real family was nothing like her, but most background ponies probably wouldn't know that.

Pinkie Pie jumped up out of a small wooden crate full of water, and shook herself off like a dog. Except she wasn't a dog, and she was pink, and she was way cuter than my dog, which is dead.

"Hey, how's it going?" I asked Pinkie, giving a small smile.

I knew what was coming next. I always wanted to do this! Pinkie jumped up and gasped so hard that she floated in the air. I pounced forwards for a kiss.

Without seeming to notice me, she floated higher so that I sailed past and landed behind her. She then went down to her original floating position, stopped gasping, and landed. She ran off, and I knew I was going to have the best welcome party ever.

But not just any party. A pony party! With ponies!

And Pinkie Pie was still alive, which meant this really was Ponyville, and not some lame fanfic Alternate Universe, because in every fanfic I've ever read, the writer always kills Pinkie, or calls her annoying, or Flanderises her into a murderous psycho, or a 4th-wall-breaking failed attempt at metahumor that reads the script ahead of time, or an nth-dimensional horror, or an airheaded idiot. Even though she's an adorable cheerful hedonistic pastry chef and party planner, and the first fictional hedonistic character I've ever liked. If she's still alive, and she did what she actually does when meeting new ponies, then this was definitely the Ponyville I knew.

I tilted my head, wondering where my party would be.

Twilight's welcome party was in her treehouse-library, but only because that was her home. I don't have a house here... or a home... but then again, I didn't have much of a home back home, either. My bed in the attic that my 'Parents' gave me certainly didn’t feel like a home. I spent every day trying to get around them, so I can do things that actually matter. Except on every second Friday, that’s the day when I go outside and act like a normal human. Or should I say, average human. Average human from there? Lame human from there? Except on every second Friday, that’s the day when I go outside and act like a lame human, When that Friday was over, I’d go back to my attic, and go back to making costumes in the hopes that I could be someone else. No matter what I wore, it felt like I was always in costume. I could be dressed as a student, or a hippy, or the normal teenage girl that my parents wanted, and always got the same feeling. I'd never wore anything and actually felt like it was actually something the real me would wear.

Only this hat felt right atop my head, because this type of hat, the Asian cone-hat, was the first hat I ever made. It wasn't a Mizukage hat, as I hadn’t even heard of that show back then, and the hat I made wasn't anywhere close to my usual standards. The first hat I ever made... A messy, off-balance, lumpy and uneven newspaper-mache hat, with thin strips of paper around the face and back, just like the ones I saw in the first Anime I ever saw. It was unbalanced, it was lumpy, but that didn't matter to me. It was the first hat I made, and I wore it with pride. Until I made a much better one, then I wore that. That paper-mache mess still has a place in my attic, along with my first attempts at making a Wooden Katana, Naruto Ninja Headbands, and The Sniper's Bow from TF2.

I noticed that I was smiling fondly at the memory of me wearing that messy eye-obscuring cone-hat. Funny how all of my happy memories are things I did by myself, instead of things I did with other people.

I forced myself to concentrate. Pinkie Pie liked to throw her parties shortly after planning them, because of her odd selective memory that allowed her to remember everything about everypony in Ponyville. In Party Of One, she threw two parties in Sugarcube Corner, one at the start of the episode(Heh heh, psychotic episode), and then another party when she went insane, and then her friends threw a party at Applejack's barn. Her parties tended to happen in large buildings, so that left... that still left a lot of possible choices. Did those picnics, count as parties? If they did, then her party could be anywhere!

I shook my head. There was no point in hunting her party down. I'd find it, eventually. Her Pinkie Sense would probably warn her of something happening at that party, and she'd know where her party had to take place. Now that I think about it, maybe that's how she knew where to throw Twilight's welcoming party: Her Pinkie Sense warned her that Twilight would drink hot sauce.

I happily bounced away, because I knew that my party was going to be great, and it would have ponies.

Everything is better with ponies.

I bounced through Ponyville, and I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. Well, I guess that wasn't entirely true. I was hoping I'd crash into Rainbow Dash... or rather, that she'd crash into me, just like she did to Twilight Sparkle in Season 1, Episode 1.

I noticed Applejack's Apple stand, and I immediately thought of The Engineer's famous quote about his Dispenser. Both characters were American, both characters wore hats, and both characters had Dispensers. Come on, just look at the Instant Foldable Apple Cart she used when she attended the Grand Galloping Gala, and try saying that it doesn't remind you of The Engineer's instant folding automatic technology. Even the percussive maintenance was the same; except she kicked hers and he hit his with a wrench.

I bounced past Applejack's apple cart. I didn't have any money with me yet, and even though I liked Applejack more than most American characters on TV shows, I knew how salespeople got when someone wanted to talk to them when they were working, and I knew how store owners got when someone tried to talk to them when they didn't buy anything. That was NOT the first impression I wanted to make with her. I kept on bouncing away, smiling happily. I was a Pony! Best day ever!

Even though I couldn't kiss Pinkie, and haven't run into Rainbow Dash yet, today was still a great day.

I arrived at Twilight Sparkle's treehouse-library, and I stared at the huge building from outside. It was absolutely freaking huge. It's a tree, and its huge. A huge tree, hollowed out and turned into a library. Because Sure, Why Not?

SWN. Pronounced Sun, not Soon. I came up with that myself, and it had served me well through my years. Much better than Yolo ever had.

I looked around to see if anypony was around, and then I knocked on the door. I waited, looked around again, and knocked again.

The door was opened by Spike, Twilight's dragon slave- I mean, assistant. This wasn't a fanfic, this was the real thing.

Spike tilted his head in confusion. "Do I know you?"

"I'm new in town." I said happily. "I'm in Ponyville now. And I am a Pony." It just felt so good to say that! I wasn't on boring old earth anymore, I was in Ponyville. "I'm here because this is a library, and libraries have books."

"Uh... huh." Spike said suspiciously.

"I'm Neighponese." I said happily.

"Oh, ok then." Spike said, as if it explained everything. He went inside and bowing and pointing both arms as if he was holding a door open for a lady.

"Just don't bother Twilight, she's busy with-" Spike began.

"Spiiike!" Twilight called, walking around and looking for her assistant. She trotted into the room, and noticed me. She stared, not recognising me, unsure what to say or do.

I smiled. "My name is Azure, and I'm Neighponese. I'm here because Libraries have books. What books would you recommend?"

There was a pause, as if she was surprised that someone was actually here for a book. Then she brightened up, overjoyed that someone else liked to read. Had 'The episode where Rainbow Dash reads Daring Do and discorvers the joy of reading' not happened yet?

Where were we in the episode timeline, anyway? Twilight wasn't an Alicorn, so I guess we're somewhere before the end of Season 3. Unless we're past that and Twilicorn really is a temporary thing, a mere publicity stunt to anger the bronies into raging and angry blogging, because There Is No Such Thing As Bad Publicity.

She started walking towards the Young Adult section- I might not be from Ponyville, but I know the libraries, and while the circular room was unusual, whoever built this library had certainly been as smart as any human: All of the sections were grouped together in specific patterns that should ensure that anypony who goes to the Young Adult section will walk past the... Old adult section? Whatever it was called. I noticed more than a few pillows around the YA section, in case the young fillies and foals wanted to lie down and read. Judging from the plumpness of the pillows, I'd say not many ponies came here often. Kinda sad, but I guess that just means more books for me.

"Well, the Young Adult section is always popular." She said, walking towards the YA section. ---

"Pillows?" I wondered as I noticed the pillows strewn around the YA section. "Let me guess- So the readers can lie down with a good book and read all day?" I paused, then continued, sounding a little sadder. "But judging from the plumpness of these pillows, I'd say not many ponies do this, do they? That's kinda sad... Being all alone all the time..." I then tried to lighten the mood. "But hey, more books for us, huh?"

She smiled. "Yeah, I guess. And I'm not completely alone, here. I've always got Spike to keep me company."

I immediately burst into loud, lewd laughter, using a noblewoman laugh I'd 'borrowed' from Dinosaur King, that evil lady that sounds like, and acts like, Team Rocket's Jessie from Pokemon. "AhahaHAA! He keeps you company, does he?"

"Not like that!" Spike insisted nervously. "I'm her assistant!"

I was surprised that he'd followed us, but I could make this work. I grinned at him. "Yeah, and I know exactly what you assist her with."

Twilight blushed. "It's not like that! He cleans books, and alphebetises the floor, and-"

"It's ok, it's ok." I said kindly. Then I went back to having fun. "I'm not judging you, I'm sure your dragon-equine babies will be adorable."

I'm not sure if it’s even biologically possible, but Spike blushed. He started panicking, and said, "Ih, uh... Hey, uh... Your Cutie Mark! It looks just like hers!"

Twilight stopped and looked at my flanks. I'm not sure if I should be flattered or worried... Fanon has two extremely conflicting ideas of what Twilight is like with this sort of thing: either a rational scientist and bookworm with no time for love because she's too busy reading, or a lonely adorable maniac that has spent so many nights alone in her library, she's wiling to do anything that moves more than the books Clopfics sometimes depicts her using. "Actually, it looks like my brother's." She said, deep in thought, rubbing her chin with a hoof. She looked kinda cute. Wait...

Crap! What the hell was I thinking when I gave myself this Cutie Mark?! I tried to hold it together, and ignored the question. "Changing the subject, Spike?" I wondered. "Good move. By the way, I was only joking about you two." I paused, then grinned. "Everypony knows about you and Rainbow Dash."

Twilight coughed and spluttered, as if the idea of her and Dashie together was really that odd.

"Only joking!" I said happily. "It's way more likely that Spike would end up with Sweetie Belle."

"Sweetie Belle?! But Rarity would-" He began in horror.

"Aha!" I said triumphantly. "I know who that is! Artists like us tend to keep tabs on each other, after all! So, how many kids have you had yet?"

"WHAT?!" Spike wailed in horror.

I laughed even harder. "ZEEEH-hahahhaHAAA! You two should see the looks on your faces! Heh heh, you two are great. Twilight, is your Cutie Mark Magic, or something?"

"Yes." She said a little less embarrassedly. "Is yours?"

"Eeeyup-pu." I said in my impression of Azure doing an impression of Applejack. I then went back to my Engrish voice. "So, Tawaiilaiiito Saparkeru." Dial that engrish down a little... "Back home, there are some rather good books from Equestria that were translated into our language, so we can read them. However, I learned to read both languages, because that is ehow ai rollu, madarafukuro. I'd like a book from a certain book series, to see how different the translation was from the original. Do you have any books from the series... what was it called in? The one with the pony... flying pony... Pegasus named... Daring Do?"

Twilight brightened up instantly. "We've got plenty of those! Now, the latest one comes out in a few weeks, but my friend Rainbow Dash has that one reserved. We have several copies of the novels that take place earlier in the series, including-"

"Wait, Rainbow Dash? You know Rainbow Dash?" I asked excitedly, grinning. I already knew the answer, but I'd planned this all out in my head. Mostly. "The same Rainbow Dash who once saved Rarity, Spitfire and the other one from falling to their doom? That Rainbow Dash?"

"Yes, she's-" Twilight began.

"She’s awesome! Please, introduce me to her!" I yelled, pleading with my eyes. "I'd love to meet the Pegasus who saved the Wonderbolt's plots! Even though she isn't a Wonderbolt yet, even though she’s totally good enough to be!"

“I'll see what I can do." Twilight said worriedly. I'd bet she's thinking, 'What am I getting Dashie into?'. Then again, did she ever call her Dashie? I think she mostly stuck with Rainbow or Rainbow Dash.

"About the Daring Do book," I began, "I'd be ok with the first one. I'm not sure what it’s called in this language, so could you go get it?"

"The first one in the Core Series?" Twilight asked.

"...Yes?" I said uncertainly, an uncertain grin on my uncertain face. Twilight's horn started to glow. A Daring Do book floated off a nearby bookshelf, and landed at my feet. My hooves, I mean. "Thanks," I said happily. "How much will this cost?"

"It's a library." Spike pointed out.

"I noticed.” I said dryly, looking down at him. I then turned back to Twilight. ”So, how much will this cost?" I asked. I paused for a few seconds, realised my mistake, and laughed to try and cover it up. "Haraharaharahara! Only joking!” I said happily. ”I meant, for how long can I borrow this book?"

"Two weeks." Twilight said happily.

"Thanks! I said happily. "I love books." I then turned up the engrish for comic effect. "Ai loveh booksu... They are like pehpa that has been written on with ink, and made into booksu. ...Desu."

"...Yeah?" Spike offered uncertainly, looking around.

Yeah, that wasn’t really that funny... what was I thinking? A girl like that would never laugh at my jokes. Plus, my joke wasn't even that funny to begin with. "Before I go... I was wondering..." I said anxiously, looking at the door and planning out three possible escape routes just in case. "As a Costume Artist, I hear a lot of gossip and rumours. Normally, they're fun to mess around with, but I recently heard something... odd. Something about... well..." I paused, thinking of a way to say this. If I gave spoilers out too early in the episode timeline, things might change, and not necessarily for the better. Eventually, I came up with something.

I grinned. "Tawaiilaiito, how do you feel about Discord? Because some ponies prefer dis string, or dis rope."

Twilight looked at me questioningly. "What does string have to do with- Huh?" She asked, noticing the hidden message. "Huh?" She repeated, realising that I knew about Discord. "Huh?!" She yelled, wondering how in the hoof I knew about Discord. She squinted at me questioningly. "How in the hoof do you know about that?!"

"Chocolate milk!" I yelled without thinking.

"What?!" She repeated, even angrier. Crap, I'd just revealed that I knew about Applejack's brief stint as Discorded Applejack! Or Appliejack, or Liarjack, or whatever they were calling her.

"Gossip!" I answered, trying not to panic. "Gossiping gossipers who gossip! Gossipers told me everything!"

Twilight's horn glowed as she magically locked the front door, and a large magical dome formed around the library, trapping me inside with her and Spike.

She looked at me questioningly, and I started to panic. She was going to interrogate me, and I had to come up with something good- No! No matter what I came up with, it'd sound suspicious! Only the Princesses and the Mane 6 knew about Discord! Wait, what about the background ponies?

I hid my panic and started using my favourite tactic. "Locking the doors? Trapping me inside with you two?" I asked innocently, and then smiled sexily, turning the full force of my bedroom eyes on Spike. "I like where this is going! So, are you going first, Spike?"

"...What?" Spike wondered, blushing.

"Spike, do you prefer Mares or Dragons?" I asked. I had always wondered this, and now was a good a time as any to ask.

"Azure!" Twilight gasped, offended by where the conversation was going. “He’s just a baby dragon!”

"I... I want to know the answer." I said, turning my head slightly and imitating Fluttershy. It didn't feel right, since I wasn't dressed as her. "I've a-always wanted t-to know... Because I've never met a Dragon before." Good, my redirection was working. Time for the finisher. I looked back at Spike, eyes pleading for the answer I wanted to hear. "Spike... do you think I'm pretty?"

He opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted when I ran up to him, my eyes crazy and my hat askew, and screamed "Tell me I'm pretty!" in his face so loud that he fell over backwards.

"You're... You're pretty?" He said uncertainly, slwoly getting up.

"Thanks!" I said happily, straightening my hat with my right hoof. "You're cute, too." I turned towards Twilight, and smiled. "So, Twilight, about that book... Can I have the next two books in the Daring Do series? The Second and Third Daring Do book?" I then nervously added, in an increasingly panicky tone, "Also, the magic barrier is scaring me. Is it getting smaller? Is it going to crush us? Is it going to crush me? Will I get crushed into a smoothie? Will I taste good?"

I nodded my head to the side to knock my hat off-balance, and looked crazily at Twilight. "TELL ME I’M DELICIOUS!"

"Huh?!" Twilight huh'd in surprise.

"Kiiishishishi!" I laughed nervously, slowly walking closer to her. "Oh, you're so funny! You're funny, and adorable, and cute, and- PLEASE LET ME LEAVE!" I roared into her face, my mind awash with fear. "YOU'RE SCARING ME! I'M TRAPPED, I DON'T LIKE BEING TRAPPED!"

I probably looked crazy right now, freaking out over a magic forcefield, but it certainly got their minds off my earlier slip-up, and pretending to have a magic shield-phobia would discourage her from using them in the future.

Twilight's horn stopped glowing, and the magical barrier dissipated. I started to calm down, and I adjusted my hat with my right hoof. "Thanks." I thanked embarrassedly, and finally came up with a decent explanation. I'd say it later, because I needed to apologize. "Twilight, I'm sorry for shouting, and freaking out. I just... I just... I really, really don't like being trapped, it reminds me of- Urk!" I winced, closing my eyes and flinching as if I'd been struck, and then standing completely still. A few seconds later, I continued, starting to relax. "Also, if you were wondering... I knew about Discord because the other ponies gossiped about it."

"You heard about Discord... All the way from Neighpon?" Twilight wondered, tilting her head questioningly.

"Hey, it's not every day that a goat-bird-lion-bird-snake-dragon-bird-bat-bird-bird-bird-...thing escapes from its stone prison and chaoses up a town!" I explained, and then grinned. "Besides, he's kinda cute. Is he single?"

Twilight looked at me like I was crazy. Spike put his hands behind the back of his head, looked away, and took a few steps away from me. "Yes," Twilight said uncertainly, "Discord is... single. He was also recently reformed, and-"

"Wait, what? What?! What?!" I asked in confusion. "He's re-?! ...But he was... Part of the appeal was... And I wanted his... HOW?! How was he reformed?"

"With-" Twilight began, but I interrupted her.

"But we were going to get married, and his suit would be made of a bunch of other suits, and chocolate rain would fall from the skies!" I said miserably, and got over it four seconds later. "I actually just came up with that wedding plan myself. Do you like it?"

"I guess..." Spike said uncertainly.

"Yeah, I'm an idiot." I said unhappily, looking away.

"What? No, I didn't say that!" Spike stammered.

"Well, I've wasted enough of your time already." I said miserably. "I should just get my book, and go home."

"It's ok, you can stay here if you want." Twilight said soothingly.

"No, I couldn't... I couldn't ask that of you! I'm just a pony, in Ponyville, talking to a pony... and a dragon," I explained, "and I'm only supposed to go here to get a book. This is my first time in Ponyville, I moved here from Neighpon, and I want to see everything and do everypony!"

A long silence of twelve seconds hung heavy in the air before Spike opened his mouth. I interrupted him by laughing loudly. "KEEEkekekeke... I said it wrong! No, I said it wrongly. No, I said it incorrectly. I meant to say, 'Do everything and see everypony'." I paused, and then grinned. "I'm perfectly willing to do non-ponies! I'm not in Neighpon anymore, so my parents can’t tell me what to do! Or what not to do." I gave Spike my bedroom eyes again, and sexily whispered, "Or who not to do."

Spike nervously took a few steps back while Twilight used her magic to grab the second and third Daring Do books and put them down by my hooves, probably hoping that I'd leave soon. Were those two a couple in this canon? Or, more likely... She was trying to protect him from me, thinking I was a crazy pony that'd do anything that moves, and he was too young for anything more than his adorable crush on Rarity. Even though I don't think it's an adorable crush, I think it's a tragic unrequited love, and I wish the rest of the Mane Six would see that, and RarIke could finally become Canon. Hey, now that I'm in Ponyville, I could do that! Yes!

Twilight looked at me expectantly. She's probably waiting for me to pick up my books. Crap. I don't actually know how to use my Unicorn magic normally, and Twilight would probably notice if I used my chaos magic. I tried to remember what I'd learned about telekinesis, from all the Anime, Manga, and Comic Books I'd ever read.

I pointed my horn at the books, and concentrated on them An azure glow engulfed the books, and my horn was probably also glowing, but it was covered by my hat. But then how could she tell I was a Unicorn? Unicorn magic-sensing? The books slowly floated over to me, and I wondered if there was a forklift or something that I could use to carry them around without using Unicorn magic. It felt weird, like I was holding the books with an invisible limb made of willpower growing out of my forehead, except the limb was made of honey or gel or something similar. Completely different from Discord's chaos magic, which was just, 'I want something to happen, I click or nod, and it happens!’. Still, if I was going to disguise myself as a Unicorn, I'd need to learn Unicorn magic, and get good at it. Or at the very least, I'd need to not suck at using magic. That would be suspicious, considering how my Cutie Mark is supposed to be magic. With an infinity loop on it... What was the infinity loop supposed to represent? Infinite knowledge? Infinite wisdom? Infinite ammo? Infinite-ness in general? Or was it a metaphor for something else? Ah, well, at it looked good.

"Bye, Twilight! Bye, Spike!" I called behind me as I left the library, the stack of books floating around the right side of my back. Well, that went terribly. I only wanted to read a real Daring Do book, and maybe befriend Twilight Sparkle and Spike along the way. Instead, they probably hated me right now. I acted weird, suspicious, and stupid, when I just wanted to make friends. And read a real Daring Do book, to see if Fanon was right about it. If the three of us ended up building a book fort and then we had fun in the book fort, then that'd be even better. But that'll probably never happen, now that they-

Wait. These are ponies, not humans. They won't hate someone they've just met. Twilight and Spike might think I'm weird, but I left them with so many questions, they're totally going to spend at least one episode on me, if only to get some answers.

I smiled as I walked away from Twilight's Library, having absolutely no idea where I was going, but being okay with it anyway. I'm in Ponyville now, and I am a pony. Almost all of my dreams had come true! Now, if only I could find Rainbow Dash and have some 'fun' with her, then everything would be complete. Everything. Except for the things that wouldn't be complete.