Why was I so lucky?

by Artyom the Brony

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Romance, Sex, Princess Celestia, Human, Main 6
Length: 14906

A normal soldier with an abnormal job on an abnormal day

A normal day on the job, (or so he thought) sends Etrius through a portal to Equestria. However something in the air changes the mares, and stallions, when he's around them...

Published 2013-06-02 19:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-16 04:55:09 UTC

Glorified Guard Duty

It was a day just like any other, hot and dry in Israel. I had a very prestigious job when it came to guard duty.

About twenty years ago some scientists started working on teleportation. Through lots of secrets and a lot of volunteers ending up in space or another planet, they perfected a design and method. It was a very small machine, only a five foot diameter with a giant power consumption. It consisted of a metal ring to house the portal, a terminal to set to which other portal it would go to, or free coordinates, and one helluva generator. The generator was state of the art, weighing three tons and able to power New York City, it was about as expensive as the portal.

We had three portals total, one here, ready to be shipped out, another in the pentagon, and a final one in Sacramento. The two in the states were more permanent and more safe, but it was deemed a valuable investment to build a moveable one. That moveable one is under my guard and in the middle of a hot spot. What idiot thought of putting it here I don't know but I still have to guard it. It was mostly a supply route used to save fuel and put less pilots at risk. The portal would occasionally light up and I would check the signature, making sure it had proper codes and clearance. Mostly it was just three or four supply trucks moving towards the front lines, but this time it was one jeep. In the jeep was the president some secret service guys and a photographer. All the soldiers in the area snapped to attention. The president saluted and yelled

“At ease!”

Making sure that every soldier could heard the order to go back to their business. She got out of the truck and walked over to the portal mainframe and motioned me to come over.

“Yes Ms. President?” I asked

“The taxpayers want to know what they just paid for, and I think it's about time we told them. So I would like you to explain to me how all this works,” she said

“Well I don't know the physics or science behind all this but I can tell you my job,” I replied

“Please do,” she continued

I began to describe the different signals I would give depending on what was coming through, be that military vehicles, troops, or supplies, and that I would check for proper clearance. The other soldiers were mainly a guard force but they all knew how to my job, I just had rank on them.

“Very interesting, so how do you-” she was cut short by the scream of

“RPG!”

I dove on top of the president, using myself as a human shield. A few rockets hit near us killing a few soldiers who were slow to react. The rockets were quickly followed by gunshots, and a grenade that started spewing out a transparent smoke. The sounds the rifles made were obviously that of an Uzi to the trained ear. I got off the president letting the secret service take care of her. I sprinted to a barricade with some other soldiers and we sat there, waiting for a slight lull in the fire.

“What the hell man! Where did these guys come from!” a marine yelled

“I don't know, but something tells me they want to take out or use the portal!” I said

It suddenly became very hard to breath. Like, something else was in the air hard to breath.

I yelled as loud as I could, “Gas masks now!” As I put on my mask and I tried to talk I now understood why they had us all sing the marine anthem in a room full of tear gas. So we could talk normally in situations like this.

“Shit… The portals still open!” I said to myself really

The mask made it unbelievably hard to talk louder than the gunshots. I lifted my mask for just a second to say two words.

“Cover me!”

I ran to the portal with tunnel vision, the mask ruining my peripheral. I didn’t look back as I ran to the console but I could only assume my friends were shooting back at the enemy because I wasn’t dead yet. I pushed three buttons in a specific tune related order, which brought another screen up to the display. It was a four digit activation code,which activated an EMP powerful enough to shut it down for a month. I entered in the numbers.

“2-1-1-5,” I said to myself

The code was simple, the year this specific portal was finished and deemed ready for use. I heard a sound very familiar to me, the sound of a rocket flying through the air. I turned and time seemed to slow down. The rocket only a foot away from where I was standing. The rocket hit and sent me flying backwards, right to the portal. I had probably two real seconds, but for me it was about thirty. I saw myself flying just ahead of the shrapnel, while other pieces flew into and wrecked the console. I suddenly felt very cold, like I was diving into a lake during winter (Shut up maybe the lake isn’t frozen somehow). The tip of my head had gone into the portal which was soon followed by my whole head, then torso, legs, feet, and I was through.

I saw a bright blue oval with undefined edges In the middle of a room somewhere. It was actually quite high up in said room. I fell quite quickly and hit the ground with a hard smack. For some reason I heard a scratch, Like someone had violently taken a needle of a record. I just shrugged it off. The blow didn’t render me unconscious, so I took a little but to examine my new surroundings. I first looked up to see the portal shrinking. I saw a bookshelf that I could climb to get up to the portal, I made no delay in doing so. Where ever I was it was probably not the best of places to be. I ran to the bookshelf and made use of my monkey heritage. It wasn’t something instantly noteworthy about me, but I was a damned good climber. I got to the top and jumped. Just as I did so however, the portal dissipated and I had another meeting with my good friend gravity. I fell down again and hit once more with another smack. This time I landed face first on a table, and the result was a shattered lens. Considering I wasn’t dead yet and I had a big hole in my mask, I figured that the air was similar if not the same.

“Damn I’m lucky.” I thought

At this moment I could see the amount of figures standing around me. After a few moments of processing this information I realized they were all of equine stature. I wasn’t one to judge at the time but it appeared most of them had feminine body types. Thin bodies, stylish hair, slender legs, and DEAR GOD THOSE EYES! They were almost as big as their heads! I came to terms with it quickly though. I went through a portal and didn’t go back. Who knows what’s on the other side? I was lucky to be alive, I was supposed to be dead right now anyways.

Whenever a portal opens and you go through it bad things happen in the comic books. This was real life though, so in real life when a portal opens and you go through it, you have a ninety nine percent chance of going somewhere in space and freezing before exploding. But here I was, staring up at a bunch of female equines with giant eyes and coats and manes of any color that you could think of. The only thing I could hear now was my own breathing, which must have been creepy as hell. Normal breathing is fine, just a soft inhale, then a soft exhale. But with a gas mask on, you sound like a more evil Darth Vader.

I slowly started to get up, drawing a murmur from the crowd. Once I had reached a full stand, I saw how tall they really were. The average height seemed to be about four feet. All eyes were on me as I channeled my inner smooth talking genius. Oh that’s right I don’t have one, I was always the weird one with a conflicting viewpoint. Well shit, I slowly started to walk to the door while everyone looked at me with shocked expressions. I got to the door and opened it.

“Wait don’t go!” came a voice from the crowd “We can help you!”

The last thing I needed right now was help, maybe mental help or something, but I needed space and time to think right now. I ignored the voice and walked out the door. My head promptly hit wood as I forgot I was about a foot high to fit through standing naturally. Thank god for military grade helmets! I ducked down and squeezed my way through the door. The last thing I noticed about the ponies before I left was that some had wings, some had horns, and others had nothing. I got out of the building and turned around. I was face to face with a cyan pegasus with a rainbow mane and tail.

“Wow… You’re not from around here are you?” the voice was very feminine and I assumed she was a girl.

Author's Note

This is my first story, sorry if it's terrible. Let me know in the comments if you care and/or want me to continue this story.
(I also drastically changed this story to something entirely different. If you were one of the three people unlucky enough to see that... forgive me and read a better story.)

Getting closer, maybe too close

I ignored the comment, to terrified and confused to talk, especially since we spoke the same language. I could move sure, but talking was out of the option. I walked around her and down what seemed like a town. She and a few other mares followed me. A mint green unicorn, the rainbow pegasus hovered but kept my pace, a purple unicorn, and an orange normal pony with a cowboy hat on. I pretended they weren’t there and walked. I just walked as the sun set on, actually where the hell was I? I turned around and saw that all of them were still following me.

“Hey umm… Where am I, exactly,” I asked, afraid of the answer

“You’re in Ponyville,” The purple one said

“No, I mean continent,” I said, trying to hold back laughter at such a moronic and unimaginative name. From that though, I could guess they referred to themselves as ponies.

“Well, this is Equestria…”

“NOPE!” I yelled, cutting her off

I apparently wasn’t on Earth anymore. I was quite sure there wasn’t a town named Ponyville anywhere in the world, but I fucking knew that there was no continent or something named Equestria. I was done, done with whatever this sick dream was, I was dead, and I wanted Valhalla. I had just saved my country from a group of radicals invading via portal, and I had died honorably in battle. This right here was bullshit, Whatever Odin was up to up there, I was gonna have a long chat with him once this was over with.

“Wake me up!” I yelled, which wasn’t all that loud through the gas mask “I don’t want to be here anymore! This is sick!”

I was fucking angry! I had died honorably in battle, with weapon in hand mind you, to save my country and this is what I get! A trippy world with multicolored ponies!

“It’s not fair!” I wailed “I died and was supposed to go to Valhalla! Not some pony world! Why was I so lucky to have survived!”

My anger turned to sadness and I felt tears start to form. Oh shit, well at least they cant see it through the amber lenses. Oh hell they could, one lens broke. My knees weakened and I fell to the ground. I curled up in a ball and started to cry. Stage two am I right?

“Waaaaaaaahhhhh!” I sounded like a fool and the gas mask didn’t help.

I sniffled and cried manly tears of being separated from his favorite teddy bear. I mean helmet, definitely helmet. After a few moments of my gas mask filling up with tears, the rainbow pegasus, who had been standing closest, walked over and gave me a hug, or as best she could do with me like this.

“Hey, hey it’s alright,” she said “I don’t know who you are, or for that matter what you are. But we can help you.”

Her voice was soft and comforting, and I assumed she had the goal of making me feel better. If it was then she was doing wonders because that was about the only thing I needed right now, someone, or somepony in the case, to take care of me and make me feel better.

“Can we take off this mask of yours? It’s not your face is it?” her voice was amazing

I shook my head and took off my helmet. I then loosened the straps of the mask and pulled it off. As I took the mask off, a small waterfall of tears fell out. I began to calm down, inhaling and exhaling more calmly and frequently. Not to the hypothermia point, but you get what I mean. When I exhaled without my mask on I saw an ever so slight ripple in the air. Like the foggy exhale on a cold day, but much more transparent. When I looked up to see the pegasus’ face, she exhaled, and there was no fog or ripple. Her smile changed from one of comfort and compassion to one of… Lust? I stretched myself out and attempted to break the hug.

“Thank you, I feel much better now,” I said

As I tried to break free from the hug however, she only tightened it. Burying my face into her coat, as well as most of the rest of me.

“Uhh, help! Please?” I asked, unsure if this was just how they welcomed aliens or what.

Suddenly the two were surround in a purple aura of light and they were pulled away.

“Rainbow Dash, why are you acting like that. He obviously wanted to break the hug, so let him. You are a he right?” The purple mare asked

I nodded my head and she turned her attention back to the Rainbow Dash. Who were leaning towards me with the most loving eyes I have ever seen.

“What has gotten into you Rainbow Dash,”

“I, I don't know, I just, don't know,” Rainbow Dash said

I put my gas mask back on, along with the helmet. The ripple affect my breath had stopped, mostly. There was still a tiny bit of it coming through the broken lens. Almost impossible to see if I wasn’t looking for it. After a few second her friends’ smile shrank, and it turned to that of slight embarrassment.

“Heh, sorry about that, I don’t know what came over me,” Rainbow Dash said

The purple aura faded and she leaned back away from me. The sun had set now, the moon was rising, and I was feeling rather tired. I might be a soldier, but we all have needs. Like sleeping and eating and breathing… Pervert.

“I don’t mean to be rude or anything, but can you think of anywhere I might be able to sleep for tonight?” I asked, hoping for a “No, you can wake up in Valhalla though.”

“Well, the party at my place is supposed to go for all night,” The purple one said

“My home is a cloud,” Rainbow Dash said flatly

“The apple family home doesn’t have a spare bedroom, sorry,” the orange mare said said

“I do think though…” The purple one continued

Valhalla Valhalla Valhalla for Odin’s sake Valhalla!

“Fluttershy has a spare bedroom, I can go find her. She said she was going to a restaurant earlier today, she still might be there,”

DAMNIT! So close. Oh well, this place doesn’t seem to be so bad. Just because I thought that though, something terrible is going to happen now, I know it. I sat there in silence thinking about how infinitely better Valhalla would be than this. Also how I would live my life here now.

After about twenty minutes of waiting, I saw the purple unicorn come back with a butter yellow pegasus, whom I assumed to be Fluttershy.

“Oh he’s just so cute!” She yelled

Well, it seemed like yelling, but it was rather quiet, as in my thoughts were louder than her voice quiet. I’m blocking out her sentences as we speak dumb ass, focus. I shook myself back to reality and saw she was hugging me. I had had my fill of pony hugs for the day and I was ready to retire. To bed. For sleep. Alone… Pervert. I pushed back on the hug. She didn’t fight my opinion about the hug and released me.

“Twilight here tells me that you need a place to stay for the night. I can help you out with that,” She said in her quiet voice, It was rather motherly, or like I was an animal incapable of speech.

I guess that’s why her name is Fluttershy. Quiet voice and whatnot. I wonder what would happen if Cobra and seal team six got paired up and FOCUS!

“And if you have nightmares then you can come to me and I’ll help you,”

I figured that if Cobra and seal team six did then it would be all over for the… I figured that I had missed the first part of that sentence, and that I was going to sleep at her house. Fluttershy had the widest smile imaginable. Not one of, my god I want you so bad, but one of, this is going to be so exciting!

“Come on, I don’t want you to get cold out here,” Fluttershy said

The other mares had apparently left a while ago, so I followed Fluttershy in high hopes of finding a bed. Then waking up in Valhalla… The same bed so I could repay her for being so nice. I followed her down dark, empty streets when I noticed her shivering slightly. I tapped the mare on the back to get her attention. I held my finger up indicating wait a second. I took off my backpack and pulled out a coat. Yes it was digicam, (or digital camouflage) but it was still very warm. I stood her on her hind legs and slid her hooves down through the sleeves, and put the jacket on fully and stood up to see her shivering had stopped. Yes she protested at first but now she looked very warm and cozy, and stylish if you asked me. Don’t, seriously I have terrible opinions.

I didn’t want to speak to her yet for a few reasons, which is why I haven’t talked to her yet, even though I could. For starters, I’m a total social idiot, anything I say tends to sound stupid. At least to me it does. That and she seemed to be having a wonderful time just enjoying the moonlit walk with some company.

“Thank you, for that,” She said

I smiled, and even though she couldn’t see it, I could have sworn she returned the smile. We continued walking until we reached a cottage. She walked in and I ducked to get in. Once in however, the room was quite spacious and could accommodate my size easily.

“Can I just set my pack here?” I asked, taking my backpack off

“Eep! You… you can talk” Fluttershy said, her voice somehow even more quiet than before.

“Yea, but I didn’t before because well, you seemed to enjoy the silence and I say stupid things. Actions speak louder than words right?” I said, chuckling a little

“Oh well, yes, I suppose they do. Thank you, by the way.” She said

“Don’t mention it. The pleasure was all mine. I can’t stand it when something so cute looks uncomfortable. Wait did I just say that…” I trailed off thinking about how I had just described her. I took off my mask and helmet just as she closed the door. I took a deep breath, enjoying a nice, proper, non-claustrophobic breath. I let out the breath as I had taking it in. Enjoying the simple pleasure, of breathing. I took off my boots and set them in a corner next my pack and, body armor, and over shirt (That’s a word right?). I now had socks, dogtags, a shirt and pants on. Time to hit the hay.

Oh god now I’m making horse references. I thought

Fluttershy seemed to change a little.

“You can sleep in my bed tonight.” Fluttershy said

“What? I thought you had a spare bedroom?” I asked, a little unsure of what was happening

“Oh I do, but it’s just that It’s very small, even for me. Besides, it must be scary for you to be here in this strange new place, I can keep you safe from all the monsters.” She said this with a reassuring smile so I figured she was telling me the truth.

She might actually be concerned for my mental health as well. I thought, watch me be wrong…

“Ok then. I will sleep with you, platonically, ”

“Yay! Follow me upstairs,”

I did so and she motioned for me to get in bed. Not wasting a second more to get some rest I did so. I noticed that there was only one pillow, so I shoved it to her respective side of the bed.

“Oh no you can have the pillow,” Fluttershy said, also getting into bed

“I insist, You gave me a bed, which is more than I can ask for. You take the pillow,” I said

“We can share!” her voice sounded full of enthusiasm at the idea.

“Um, platonically… Ok,” I said, getting a little worried at how close she was getting to me.

After she got comfortable, there wasn’t a single bit of that wasn’t touching me if so possible. Her wings were wrapped around me in a form of hug, her head was on my chest, and had all of her hooves hugging me as tightly as she could. In an effort to get myself more comfortable, I moved my arm from out beneath her. I stirred her and she looked up at me with the most pleading eyes you have ever seen. I would kill a puppy if she had told me to with those eyes. I replaced my arm instead of under her, around her and she seemed very happy with this new position. I went to sleep shortly there after.

Coming Clean

I woke up quite suddenly, yet naturally, as there was no outside force I could see. I jerked my head up to see I was still in the same room, Fluttershy was still quite literally all over me, and it was still night. I slowly removed myself from Fluttershy as to not wake her. After some time I broke free from her grasp and I sat up on the edge of the bed. I didn’t know why I was doing this, I just was. When normal people wake up in the middle of the night, they take some sleeping pills and hit the hay… bed… again. But not me, I was sitting on the edge pondering the wonderful universe of G.I. Joe. After thinking about things in general for a while I got that awkward feeling of someone staring at you. I turned around to see a dark blue pony. Based off the amount of females there were compared to males, I figured this new pony was female as well. I noticed that she had both wings and a horn, as well as a tiara and a fancy necklace like thing. OH MY GOD SLIPPERS! I always liked slippers. I took her to be royalty considering the unusual combination of appendages and regalia. What made me more confused, was the fact that she was here, in Fluttershy’s house, at night.

“So uhh, this is strange,” I said, unsure of what to do in the current situation.

“Not really,” she said “If you were not aware of this beforehand, this is a dream,”

“Oh, then can I wake up in real life now?” I didn’t like dreams, I don’t know why, I just didn’t.

“That is not for us to decide, we only came here to observe, and see if Twilight Sparkle spoke the truth,” She said

Just like that I woke up… again. It was slower this time. My eyelids twitched a little bit, still heavy from the first good nights sleep I’ve had in months. I spent some time adjusting my eyes to the morning sun before looking around. Fluttershy was now on top on me, still in the same wing and hooves embrace.

“Well this is a pickle,” I thought to myself

I thought of ways to get out of this without waking her up, but that seemed rather impossible. I somehow had to remove her death grip from my person, then get up and out of her bed without waking her up. Easier said than done. I tried to simply lift her off my chest, needless to say that didn’t work. Instead it stirred her.

“Oh hell, I’ve got a cuddly pony waking up already on top of me…”

“Hello there,” Fluttershy said, she was obviously still sleepy, what with me waking her up ten seconds ago, but her eyes were half closed and she had a warm smile on her face.

“Good morning, can I get up?” I asked

“Why would you want to do that?” She asked “It’s nice and warm in bed, and…”

“Well it’s just that Twilight wanted me to tell her about my species,” I lied, hoping that this would get me out of here.

“What time did she say for you to go?” Fluttershy looked determined to keep me here at all costs.

“As soon as I woke up,” I wasn’t the greatest liar, but the odds were in my favor that she didn’t know how to read human expressions.

“Are you sure? Twilight didn’t tell me anything about this,”

Oh fuck she was catching on. I began to remove her from my person as we talked, which was hard considering she had six apendages to hold on to me with, and I had two to push away.

“Well why would she? It’s not like it’s something of your concern anyways. I’m sure I can go there and be back within the hour,” I said cheerily

“Well then, if it’s so carefully planned out, you won’t mind of I tag along will you?” She had a look of, If you’re lying I will trap you in a dungeon for all eternity.

“Of course not, why would I, it’s planned, by Twilight, whom lives somewhere, in Ponyville…” I trailed off realizing that I didn’t know where exactly Twilight lived

“Fine,” She huffed “We can go to Twilights and you can take her stupid test thingy…” She got off me and I didn’t waste a second getting up. I sat there for a second, just happy not to have a hundred pound pony on my chest now. I felt her breath on the back of my neck a second later though.

“If any of Twilights question get a bit to… personal… then I can get her the answers,” Her voice was breathy and seductive

A dew thoughts popped into my mind at that. First off, AW HELL NAW! The possibility of, well I won’t see my species ever again so why not. And that of shock. Even if I did go with the latter option, could I really bring myself to go all the way with a pony?

NOPE! No way in hell, unless she… NO STAY FOCUSED MAN! THIS IS A SERIOUS NOPE! But what if… I SAID NO!

I got up off the bed and walked at the fastest pace possible down the stairs to my gear. I reached it and was quite happy with what I saw. Nothing had been touched, and I could have sworn that my boots looked shinier. I quickly donned my fatigues, Kevlar, gas mask and helmet. I slipped my socks on and then my boots. I don’t know why I kept putting my gas mask on, if the atmosphere was toxic I would have died long ago. Maybe because it made me feel secure, like there was a barrier between my face and whatever might harm me. That same fog went away, mostly, just as Fluttershy came downstairs. I knelt down to tie my boot laces.

“Hello there,” Fluttershy said, walking over to me “Do you want anything for breakfast?” As she said this she brushed my face with her tail.

“MMPH. No, no I’m fine thanks,” I said, still uncomfortable

Her expression changed as she walked by an open window.

“Oh no I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I don’t know what I was thinking please forgive me it won’t ever happen again I’m so very sorry…” Fluttershy ran over and hugged me, all the while crying and saying that she was sorry.

“I…Umm… Why, are you sorry?” I asked, confused by this new attitude

“I was getting to close and I saw you were uncomfortable but I just wanted to be with you and I now I don’t know why and I also said that Twilight’s questions were stupid even though they are probably really important…” She continued

“I forgive you, ok. I have a sinking feeling that you weren’t in your right mind. I also lied. Twilight didn’t ask me to answer any questions, even if she did, I don’t know where she lives…” I trailed off

“Oh, um, well ok then. I’m sure that Twilight would like to see you anyways,” Fluttershy said, not sure of what to make of my statement.

Just then Fluttershy’s front door opened and in walked an alabaster mare, at least she looked like one, Twilight, and Rainbow Dash.

“Hello Fluttershy, gasp, what are you wearing Fluttershy? And what is that you’re hugging?” The alabaster mare asked with a very proper feminine voice.

“Oh, hello Rarity. My friend here gave me this coat so that I stayed warm on the walk last night. Isn’t he just so nice?” Fluttershy asked her friends while giving me adoring eyes.

“I uh, yes. I gave her that coat, and, uh, can I go?” I asked, again feeling like my personal bubble had been popped.

“I told you! I told you he was just going to be a jerk and totally not cool,” Rainbow Dash said

“No, I mean, can you stop hugging me Fluttershy. Last night was a little close for comfort,”

“Oh, um, yes. Sorry,” Fluttershy said as she broke the hug

“What do you mean, ‘a little close for comfort’, what did Fluttershy do?” Twilight asked

“Oh nothing, not at all, nothing, no way no how, Fluttershy? Nah…” I trailed off just repeating similar things

“Ok then,” Twilight said “Would you mind if I asked you some questions?”

“Not at all,” I replied, happy to change the subject

Jee, I guess I wasn't actually lying about the questions. Already I could get a serious bookworm vibe from her.

“Oh yay!” Twilight seemed overjoyed at the idea of learning about me “*Ahem* Question one, what is the name of your species?”

“Human,” I replied, already I could see a trend of how simple the questions were going to be.

“Question two, how did you get here?”

boy, that escalated quickly.

“Got blown through a malfunctioning portal by an RPG,” I said nonchalantly, not gonna lie, it was pretty badass thing to say.

“Question two point five, what is an RPG?”

“Rocket Propelled Grenade, Russian design. Think of fireworks, but you shoot it at someone on purpose, and when it explodes it sends tiny bits of metal designed to cut, maim, or kill.” I could see from their reaction to the description that they were not used to this sort of thing

“You mean, that it’s supposed to... to hurt ponies?” Rainbow Dash asked

“That would be if they missed. If the shooter hit his target, then the target would be destroyed and or killed,” I said, now realizing how foreign the concept of killing was to them

“That sounds terrible! Who in all of Equestria would ever want to do anything like that?” yelled Rarity

“Nopony Rarity. But he’s from a different place, it could be normal there. Is that normal on, wherever you’re from?” Twilight asked with a bit of fear showing.

“I’m from Earth. In most places killing is terrible, against the law, and is almost never committed,” I stopped for a second as they let out a sigh of relief “But,” I said, and their expressions went back to horror “I am a soldier. I do that sort of thing for a living. He shoots at me, I shoot at him, and at the end of the day, only one of us goes home alive.” I figured now was a the best time to tell them about my rather violent past.

They all had mixed looks on their faces after what I had just told them. I tried to put myself in their… hoof, slipper, boots! And imagined how I would react if I was told something like that. I came up with basically the same response.

“So, let me get this straight.” Rainbow Dash said “You are somepony who goes someplace, shoots at another pony to…to…to kill it!” Rainbow Dash spat out the last words

“In an overly simplified way, yes,” I said, shifting a little bit

I looked at them with a worried expression even if my mask hid all but eye. I was afraid that they might shun me now, killing wasn’t something I was overly proud of, but I still had done it before, three times to be precise. What if they hate me now? What if I had to leave and never come back? I would be all alone in this strange new world with no other soldiers who understood the decisions I had made. After what seemed like a millennium, I finally decided that it would be best if I just showed myself out. I got up and went to the door, opened it and took one last look back. I shed a single tear from my exposed eye before I closed the door. I walked to a creek and followed it away from Ponyville.

Author's Note

YAY new chapter, so this is a bit confusing right? Adding more questions than answers? WELL GUESS WHAT, as I'm posting this I'm writing. So I'm gonna say, a new chapter with LOTS O' ANSWERS is coming in a day, maybe two.

A Slight Overreaction

The walk was never ending, even as night set I still trudged along. I still didn’t know what made me run away like that. I never felt welcome as a kid, maybe I just went with what I was used to. Abandonment. I always stuck out like a sore thumb. When we discussed the cold war, I sided with the Russians. When asked what religion I followed, I said Norse. I never fit in, and the way they reacted to the knowledge of me killing something, it brought back old memories. Painful memories. The kind that I wanted to forget forever, and just be able to move on with my life, but I couldn’t. They stuck to me like glue. White, sticky, glue. Get your mind out of the gutter Etrius.

I came across an open field after a while. There was a hill with a lone tree on top of it. The forest seemed to want to be anywhere except around that tree.

“Yeah, I know how you feel Woody,” I said

Woody was an appropriate name for a tree, and it didn’t have any dirty implications. I started to walk through the field and was immediately surprised by the height of the grass. It came up just above my waist.

“Well, now all Predator has to do is crouch, and then I’m done for,” I said to myself slightly serious. That movie freaked the hell out of me as a kid.

I walked up to the hill and scaled the horrific thirty degree slope. A second later and I was at the top of said hill, the grass now only ankle height for some reason. I sat down and leaned against the trunk of Woody. I sat there and just thought about how my life would go from now on. I could count on the Joes back on Earth but here, I don’t know. After some time to think about things in general I heard footsteps, or clopping, whatever. I did however jump at the sudden noise and looked around for the source. I couldn’t see anything and figured that if there was a pony, they would easily be concealed by the tall grass. Still I was paranoid and thought of any means to defend myself. Combat knife, handgun, incendiary grenade, tear gas grenade, or fists. I though of using the tear gas, but it would effect me as well, what with the broken lens and all. Instead I drew my sidearm. It used .45 caliber rounds and would drop anything with at most, the second shot.

“Who’s there!” I yelled

no answer

“Don’t think I’m stupid! I know you’re here! Show yourself!” I screamed at the top of my lungs.

All of it was muffled with the mask on though. Thinking of this, and perhaps they hadn’t heard me, I took it off. And with that, the same fog like substance came out every time I exhaled.

“Where are you!” I was supremely pissed at this point, being ignored and all, but all the while I kept thinking to myself,

“Am I going insane?”

Another thing dawned on me, I hadn’t checked my six. There could be a tank catapult ready to fire at me and I wouldn’t even know it. I had just been staring this direction the whole time. I spun around to see a blur of movement in the tall grass. A small portion of it that had moved without the rest. I sprinted as fast as I could to the spot of activity, holstering my pistol as I did. When I got there I saw nothing, just unmoved grass.

“Yeah, definitely insane,” I said to myself

I turned around and saw a bright white blur go behind the tree.

“I’m already insane, let’s see how in depth these hallucinations go,”

I walked back up to the tree, more calmly and peeked around it, nothing. I sighed, what else was there for me to do? I had checked every direction and ended up with the conclusion that I was insane.

“Oh. My. God,” I said as it all clicked “Thank you horror flicks,”

The one direction the bad guy is always in, and the hero never looks, up. I looked up to see a very colorful tree. The leaves were mixes of green, other green, and the branches were brown!

“GOD DAMNIT!” I yelled “Guess I’m alone huh Woody?” I asked the tree

I sat down again and tried to take it easy, even though I was deeply saddened by the fact that my current best friend was a tree, but hey, don’t hate right? I sighed again and admitted defeat out loud.

“Girls this way!” I heard a voice yell, it was different from the ones I had heard earlier.

“Oh shit, looks like they’re here to formally announce they hate me and my job,” I said as I climbed the tree

There was no way they could just come to terms with it like that. The most caring and forgiving people I knew treated me so differently when I had told them I killed someone. There was no way some ponies I had met just barley a full day ago could come to terms with it. I laid down across a cluster of branches and waited for something to happen. After about a minute I heard the same clip clop of hooves rapidly approach my position.

“He was here just a second ago,” The voice said

I wanted to turn and look at who or what this voice belonged to, but the movement would surely give me away.

“I believe you princess, but where could he have gone in such a short time?” Twilight said, I recognized her voice

“He might be laying somewhere in the grass, I’ll fly up and get a better view of things,” Rainbow Dash said

She took off with such force, that when she passed it knocked me from my perch. I just barley caught myself before I fell to the ground. Even still I was sliding down ever so slightly.

“SHIT SHIT SHIIIIIIIT!” I screamed in my head “There is no good end of this for me!”

Just as I was about to slip into view however, my foot caught hold of a branch, and I stayed up.

“HOLY HELL THANK YOU ODIN AND ALL YOUR ASSOCIATES!” There was no way I could have voiced my happiness to its full extent in one language. I thought of all the ways one might say thank you, but I wasn’t much of a learner.

I felt a slight tug on my back. Looking back to see what it was, I saw my spades straps come loose. I closed my eyes and came to terms with it.

“It won’t be so bad, it won’t be bad it won’t be bad it won’t be bad…” I mumbled as the shovel tipped and fell out, landing with a dull *thud*.

Author's Note

OR MAYBE I'LL UPDATE AGAIN IN THE SAME DAY! WHAT A SURPRISE THIS IS!

So yea, my gift to you while I work on another story of mine. I'll work on this one more than the other, but the updates won't be as close together, sorry!

Things get worse, much worse

“What the hay? A shovel? Where did this come from?” A voice with a thick southern accent asked

There was a pause, in which I assumed they were all taking their time to look up. There was a collective gasp as they saw me hugging the tree.

“Hey, mister? We can see you, and we uh…” Twilight was cut off by a very comforting voice

“What Twilight means, is that we would like it if you could come down, and talk to us,” She said

“Wait, you mean, you mean you don’t hate me? You won’t judge me like the others?” I was pretty unsure of how to handle myself in a situation like this.

“Can you please come down?”

How could I say no to a voice like that?

“Alright, give me a second,” I dropped down and caught myself on a branch, before dropping again to the ground. Upon turning around I was greeted by six ponies, one of whom looked more like a horse. Standing in front of me was Twilight, Fluttershy, Rarity, and three others I didn’t recognize. One of them was much taller than the other and had a multicolored mane and tail. Said mane and tail were blowing in the wind more so than the others, like it could do that normally. She also, unlike the others, had both a horn and wings. I had seen stranger things before, somehow, so I just went along with it.

“Let us start over. My name is Princess Celestia, what might yours be?” The Princess asked

“Lance Corporal Etrius,” I said, if she was going to show off her title then I would do the same.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you Princess,” I was starting to wonder if they had forgotten or just didn’t care about what I had told them.

“My student tells me that you have killed members of your own race, is this true?”

Well fuck… “Yes ma’am,” I decided not to elaborate.

“If you don’t mind me asking, how many?”

“Three ma’am,” keep things short and simple

“Why did you do it?”

“Defense of my country, loved ones, and personal being, in that order,” I didn’t know where she was going with this, but at least she was trying to understand.

“So you are a soldier?”

“Yes ma’am,”

“I can tell you have had… not the best of lives… but since we do not know you or your ways, I would like to bring you back to Canterlot and study you. Would you be open to such a thing?”

“It would be an honor ma’am,”

“Hey what’s all the… Were did he come from!” Rainbow Dash yelled, now hovering ten feet up above us.

“I was in the tree,” I said flatly

“Oh, that does seem like a good place to hide, nopony looks up,”

“Shall we go then?” The princess asked

“Can we come too? Uhm, if that’s alright with you, of course…” Fluttershy said

I hadn’t noticed but she was rubbing up against me, as was Rarity. How I didn’t notice I’ll never know, but it was awkward to say the least.

“Yes wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could spend more time with Lance? Who knows, we might even be able to help you out with studying him,”

Twilight gave the two a funny look before speaking.

“I agree, I would like to study this human in detail, and I feel that I would have more spare time to do so,” Twilight said

“It’s settled then. Lance will stay at Canterlot, and you six shall accompany him,”

“Please, call me Etrius, lance corporal was my rank in the military,”

“Very well Etrius,” Celestia said

I felt an odd tingly feeling seconds after that, like I was being tickled. I was about to burst out laughing when I suddenly felt a sharp pain. Instead I tried to scream, but then I felt nothing. I was about a foot off the ground in some random corridor, with Rainbow Dash on top of me. I fell and hit the ground, and she fell onto my chest.

“Hey there,” Dash said, her former annoyed tone now replaced with one of seduction.

“Hi, wanna let me get up?”

“No, I wanna do things to you,” her smile widened as she leaned closer

I had realized by now that whenever I had my mask on, they seemed to act normal around me, but with it off, they got all touchy feely. It was definitely because I was just that handsome. Quickly looking to my left I spotted it, about three inches too far away to grab.

“Hey, Rainbow Dash, if we scoot a foot to the left, I will let you do those things to me, ok?” I asked, hoping she would fall for it

“That’s it? Ok,”

Dash, using both her wings and her hooves shoves me a foot to the left. Her left.

“WAIT NO! I MEANT MY…” Dash cut me off with a kiss

“I did what you wanted, now you have to go through with it,” Dash had a grin that would make the Cheshire cat jealous.

She lowered her body on mine and started to rub her entirety across me chest and legs. She had her eyes closed in what I could only assume was bliss… for her… not me. I took the opportunity to flip her onto her back so I was on top.

“That eager huh?” Dash asked

“Not really, I’m still deciding whether or not to go all the way with a pony,”

I got off her and dove for the mask which was pretty close now. I grabbed it and put it on before Dash could do anything about it. I tightened the straps and flipped back over with a smug grin on my face, not that anything could see it. Dash was back on top of me with a bit of anger in her eyes.

“No! You are mine, and you’re not getting away!”

“Just give it a second, and then you won’t want me anymore! You’ll go back to your… you can still remember this though so I’m not gonna insult you…”

Dash stayed right in her place though. The only movements she made were that of getting closer to you and rubbing herself against you. That’s when I noticed it. OH GOD THE BROKEN LENS! There was still that vapor coming out of that every time I exhaled. There was no way, could it be? My breath got ponies all worked up, most of them anyways,

“No wait! I can explain why you don’t want to do this!”

“Oh really?” Dash said rather annoyed at my constant resistance.

“Yea, you see when humans mate, it’s customary to eat the others…uhh…uhhhhh…ummmmm… EAR! We have to eat each others ear,”

“You think I’m that stupid?”

“No, I’m just really desperate right now, can we at least get a room?” Stall for time Etrius, just stall for time.

“NO! You are going to do me right here right now!” Dash yelled

“I must say, this is a surprise,” Celestia said “I’m not going to oppose love in any way, but already is surprising,”

“This isn’t love! This is some weird chemical reaction that gets ponies hormones going!” I yelled, Odin must still be looking out for me, otherwise he wouldn’t have bailed me out like this.

“Is it now? If he does not want this Rainbow Dash, then you must respect his wishes,” Celestia said

“NO! I want him! I don’t care what he wants!”

Dash bent her head down and tried to rip off my Kevlar, but as she did so, she was enveloped in a golden glow, lifted of me, and kept in mid air.

“LET ME GO!” Dash yelled as she beat her wings furiously to get to me.

“Princess I think we need to talk,” I said

“I agree, follow me,”

Celestia led the way down some very nicely decorated hallways, taking Rainbow Dash with us.

“So, I gonna go out on a limb here and say you teleported us?” I said

“Yes, but I was distracted for a moment, so everypony went to vastly different places,” Celestia had the slightest of blushes as she said this

“Well, thanks for finding me first. Also why are you blushing?” nailed it….

“What? I’m not blushing, whatever gave you that idea?” her blush intensified

“Other than the cherry red your cheeks have turned? You got very defensive,”

“In here, quickly,” Celestia walked into a room and I followed. The room was nice, a bed, a closet, nothing to suspicious. A very angry Rainbow Dash followed and was promptly released from the glow. She spent a few moments stretching out and enjoying her new freedom. The doors shut behind her and locked.

“Heh, heh, nice joke Celestia. You can uh, you can stop now, you got me good…” I said, scared out of my wits

“Oh but this is part of studying you! I want to see how far Rainbow Dash is willing to go, and if possible, find out why she is behaving like this,” Celestia had the creepiest of smiles on

“Awww shit. Isn’t there some sort of consent form I have to sign for this?”

“I must say you are rather ungrateful. To have a mare like Rainbow Dash so wanting, to deny her would be criminal!”

“What in the Sam fuck? Oh god you’re on her side aren’t you… Well isn’t this just fucking perfect!” I yelled

Rainbow Dash finished stretching and bolted to me. She tackled me and my head hit the bed frame. You would think a helmet would have helped, but those things were not designed to soften gravity induced injuries. In fact, it made things worse. My vision started to go fuzzy as well as start fading to black.

“Oh…shit… not now… I gotta… gotta…fuuuh…”

I blacked out.

Author's Note

I'm not the best of writers, and I know people love it when they can influence the story, so I'm gonna let you wonderful readers decide what should happen to him

All of them

“Owwwww. Everything hurts… Why does everything hurt?” I moaned

I wasn’t kidding, My head was in a catastrophic amount of pain, one leg felt like it was on fire while the other one was freezing, my arms were being bitten by a million army ants and my chest… It was like someone had kicked in my ribs so that they stabbed the organs they were supposed to be protecting. I suppose It could’ve been worse, I could have woken up next to a coyote ugly chic or something.

“I think he’s waking up!” A voice yelled with delight

“I think he’s in a catastrophic amount of pain…” I’m still a smartass so It’s all ok in the brain.

“HE’S UP GIRLS!” That voice, oh shit it’s Rainbow Dash…

I opened my eyes an looked around, my neck muscles were sore, probably from a terrible sleeping position. The room was actually quite nice, there was a bed, a closet, a nightstand, balcony, you name it! Oh fuck I’m in a bedroom. In through the door came all the ponies I didn’t want to see. Celestia, the pink one, the orange one, the white one, Rainbow Dash, Flutterhsy, Twilight… She was alright, she hadn’t tried to rape me yet.

“OH BOY CAN WE JUST SKIP THE QUESTIONS AND GET RIGHT INTO IT PLEEEAAAAAASE?!” the pink one was very excited about something

“No, we agreed five of my questions. Then you can”

“Oh just hurry up darling, we’re all just dripping with excitement,” The white one put emphasis one dripping for some… oh fuck me… wait… damnit!

I tired to move myself. I couldn’t. Through the pain I could tell that I had restraints on and that I was tied to the bed. Another thing to put on my list of problems.

“So mister, what is all that clothing you’re wearing?” Twilight asked

“Still not keen on using my name huh? Well this is body armor using Kevlar and nano-weave technology. The rest is a helmet using the same nano-weave tech, simple polyester shirt, canvas pants, and leather combat boots,” I was pretty satisfied with my answer

“What’s that on your face though?” Twilight asked

“Gas mask. It filters any toxins in the air. Or it would if the lens wasn’t broken,”

“Ok then. Why do you wear it? We don’t wear anything,”

“I noticed. Because of my occupation. I need to be wearing this so I can be as safe as possible. That, and it keeps me warm,”

“Can you take it off? We’ve only seen your face. I think it would really be beneficial if we saw what you actually looked like,” They all had a glimmer of hope in their eyes

“You must think I was born yesterday. I not falling for that!”

“If you want to do it the hard way then fine. But one way or another those cloths are coming off,” that was celestia’s voice

I hadn’t noticed her and I think that’s what they were going for, but she was sitting on the bed right above me. Her horn began to glow and the same golden glow enveloped my head. I felt like I was going insane. There was another voice inside my head, and it was talking to other voices, some of which sounded strangely like me from when I was younger. But while this new presence was getting information from me, I was getting information about it. There was actually a lot of information sent my way, some secret, some not. After a few minutes though, it was gone.

“So Tia, when were you gonna tell them about that new recruit?” I asked

Celestia’s look of smugness turned to one of horror as all the other ponies looked at her with confusion.

“I didn’t know that that spell went both ways!” She was very alarmed

“Oh, oh my dear Tia but it does, and it’s wonderful. Really though, as his, first week of training done present?” I had the upper hand now

“Well, it doesn’t matter, and I know exactly how to take those cloths off. Now why don’t you just relax,” Celestia said as specific parts of my cloths lit up

“Or I could just tell everyone about Lulu’s ‘little’ secret. Then it would be your fault for me knowing,”

“Oh you aren’t going anywhere anytime soon,”

“Oh I know, but they are, and I’ll just tell them. So Rarity, yes I know your name now. You like rumors and gossip, come closer and I’ll tell you about Luna. C’mon, I know you want to know,” this is fun

“Rarity I will send you to the moon if you listen to him,” Celestia said, now having removed my vest and boots

“Oh but that means it’s even more secret, and how the royalty would love to hear a story like that, especially since it’s true,” I was grinning mischievously at the thought of what I could do with these words

“He’s all yours ladies,” Celestia said

“I think, wait what? DEAR GOD MY CLOTHS! All I ask, is that I do it with Twilight first…” I had given up at this point

“Oh why her?” Rainbow Dash whined “I’ve been trying to get you for ages!”

“You can’t even let me have a final request?”

“Follow me Etrius,” Twilight said, walking to what appeared to be a bathroom

I got up, the bonds now gone. Everything still hurt, probably to keep me from escaping. I dragged myself to the bathroom where I promptly fell over. Twilight closed the door and gave me a genuine smile.

“I’m so happy it worked, I don’t know what has come over the others, but you knew I wasn’t! I want to get you out of here, but I don’t know how…” Twilight whispered

“Step one… make the pain stop…” OR DID I!? (give up, you know, from earlier)

“Oh right, sorry, Rainbow Dash got a bit rough trying to take off your cloths. This will only take a second,” her horn lit up and suddenly I stopped hurting

“OH MY GOD IT FEELS SO GOOD! Well, that could have been taken the wrong way. Also not gonna question how you did that. Now teleport me outa this hellhole,”

“Oh, right. Of course,” Her horn lit up again and after a moment of blinding light, some serious nausea, and a quick sanity check, I looked around to see where I was. I was in the same place I had first fell into, the party or whatever. It was empty now, and now that it was, I could see that it was a library. After another bright flash next to me, I saw all my cloths, gas mask, helmet, all that good stuff. Another flash, and Twilight was next to me. Off in the distance I swear I could have heard someone yell no, anyways Twilight motioned for me to put on my cloths before walking away.

-Rainbow Dash’s POV, five seconds earlier…-

“You did what with him!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

-Back to Etrius-

I started with my underwear, and got myself all zipped up and ready to go.

“Thank you so much Twilight. I don’t plan on losing my virginity to a pony…”

“You’re still, a… oh. Well you’re welcome,” Twilight said as she came back in with an assortment of devices

“What’s all this?” I ask with a sense of curiosity

“Oh it’s nothing special, ~~it’s just my bass cannon!~~ just some instruments so I can know what’s going on,” Twilight said

“I think I have an idea,”

“Really!? Well what is it?”

“My breath. Every time I exhale, there’s this weird mist, and that’s not normal unless it’s really fuckin cold,”

“Breath into this bag, and then I’ll do some tests,”

I do so. It’s basically a plastic bag with some numbers and lines on it. When I take a few breaths into it she takes it away and uses her magic to seal it. Scratch that it’s a Ziploc. She zipped it up and walked out the door with it. Every now and then she would come back inside, through the back door oddly enough, wonder why… She had me breath into the bag and would then walk outside again. After her second trip there was a banging at the door. After the fifth trip the door was about three seconds from breaking off. So naturally, I hid in a closet and wept like a child stayed absolutely still, as well as quiet my breathing. Sure enough three seconds later, Twilight came in through the back door, the front door flew open, and thirty or so mares, and a stallion, all ran in.

“WHERE IS HE TWILIGHT!” one of the mares shouted

“Spike? He’s in the backyard,” Twilight was writing something down

“No, no not spike. Where. Is. He!”

*sigh* “Girls, I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about. If you want to find him as you put it, then go find him. Is it that stallion?”

“We know he’s in here, and were going to find him. I can smell him,”

A mare with a blue coat, and blue mane with a white stripe in it slowly walked up to the closet. She was about to open it when Twilight, bless her soul, saved my ass again.

“There was this odd creature in here a few moments ago. I think he’s in the basement,”

Just like that everypony sprinted downstairs to have Twilight close the door behind them, and lock it magically. I hopped out of the closet and gave Twilight the biggest hug I could. She returned the hug and after a few seconds we broke it.

“Thank you so much Twilight, what now?”

“Well, just a few moments ago I sent my reports to the Princess so she could tell me what she thought about them,”

“So what was in your report?” I wanted to know, seriously this is confusing as hell

“When I tested what your breath could do, it appears that eighty-five percent of all ponies who are interested in males go into a period of undeniable lust for you. Why this is I’m not certain yet, but the Princess will know!”

“Ok so we… wait you sent your report, to the Princess, the one who disrobed me, and then would have let you all had your way with me? That one?” shit…

‘Well yes of course I… oh… and I told her, to come here, and… help…”

“She’s right behind me isn’t she?” today, was not a good day…

“Good job Etrius,” Celestia said in a less calm, more maniacal voice

“So uh Twilight, new plan. Instead of me stalling for time, you’re gonna stall for time while I make a beeline for the back door, ok?”

“Oh that won’t be necessary darling. We took the liberty of making sure every door was locked,” Rarity said with a smile

“New plan, you can’t lock windows. Well, actually you can, but I’m giving them too much time to think. SEE YA!” I yelled running about a foot before being tackled by a rainbow blur

“Oh not you again! Why you!”

“That’s pretty mean to say to a woman,” Rainbow Dash said, now squarely on top of me

“I’m sorry, if you let me go, I’ll tell you just how pretty you are,”

“Do you really think-”

“Once again no, I’m just desperate,”

I grabbed her fore hooves and brought them up. She was pretty strong, pushing down with gravity to help her, but I managed. I kicked her hind legs out from under her, and shoved her away. I got up and ran for a window. A quick look behind me showed a terrified Twilight, a smug Celestia, and impatient mares. Like, all of them, as in all the ones in the basement.

“FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!” I screamed, diving out a window at the same time.

Author's Note

FINE THEN! LEAVE ALL THE IDEAS UP TO ME! That's a mixed bag if I've ever heard one...

Regardless, this took way longer than it should have for such a short chapter. My apologies.

Bailed out... again...

“JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! (think about that in the most literal way possible…) How in the hell do action movie heroes do that without any pain!? Oh right, Hollywood, where a pistol shot goes through a tank, kills the gunner, which ends up shooting the antagonist and saving the day…”

I ‘landed’ the fall, completely botching an action roll to soften the fall. It seemed that any window I dived out of, which was ten now, had a mandatory height requirement, of no less than six feet off the ground.

“I need to stop diving through things. Maybe just stop slo-mo diving entirely. But you look like a badass! All the chicks will want you bro, trust me. The last thing I want right now is to be desirable, sorry buddy,”

Getting up, I saw something that mostly confused me. I saw in that same window, four mares stuck, seemingly all having jumped through at the same time to get to me. Not even trying to stop myself, I burst out laughing at the rather humorous sight. What shut me up, was when on of them lurched forward about three inches.

“What in the sam fuck?”

Then another one, they were being knocked towards me ever so slowly.

“C’mon Steam Rush! Hurry up!” came a female voice from the other side

“I’m trying believe me!” that, that was a male voice… god, damnit

I bolted in a random direction, any direction as long as it wasn’t there was fine with me. What worried me more was that those mares had smiles when he presumably bucked them in the ass. Were they into that kinda stuff? Were they masochists? Only time will tell, scratch that, fuck time, I didn’t wanna find out.

“Ho boy, what I would do for a TARDIS key right now…”

Just as he said that, a chestnut stallion with a brown mane perked up and gave me a funny look.

I would have stopped and asked him if they had Doctor Who here as well, but the sound of freedom, and then a bunch of feet… hooves… pounding on the ground was enough to keep me going.

I ran down the street like a madman. Seriously the looks I got as I ran past, screaming a number of insults directed at the stampede behind me, were pretty good. I ran for probably about five minutes, screaming things like featherbrain, N00B, suckers, and other things that applied to ponies. I was taking random twists and turns to get away. There was no reasoning to my route, just away. After a while, I decided to look back and see if they were tired, or had stopped the chase. Looking back, I saw instead of thirty ponies, I saw about seven. Looking ahead I saw seven more. Run down an alleyway and there were four more, next alleyway, four more. I jumped up and got a decent grip on the roof of a building.

Hey, I’m six three and they’re four three, how tall do you want the buildings to be?

I started to pull myself up, It wasn’t excessively hard, but it was much appreciated when something pulled me up.

“Hey, thanks for the help there friend. What’s you’re na-… Clever girl…”

Rainbow Dash was giving me the most ‘come hither’ eyes you have ever seen. That girl you hired two week ago for that exact purpose, not even close to this. She had her wings folded and was slowly approaching me. I took the only route of escape I had left, down. I rolled an inch and fell seven feet to the ground. I did it on purpose and did not botch the landing this time. A good ‘sweet Jesus my parachute didn’t open how does this technique even help me’ landing, or a ‘five point’ landing if you want to be all correct about it.

“End of the line Etrius,” Celestia said in that same evil maniac voice

“I swear to god Tia, you sound like a creepy pedophile molester. But given your age and mine, isn’t that far off,” I commented, preparing my body

“You need to stop calling me ‘Tia’,”

“You don’t, always get, what ya waaaant. But if ya try sometimes, ya get what ya neeeed!” I sang “But my retort to that is you need to stop trying to get in my pants,”

“You, by far, are the most disrespectful, smart-mouthed, most imbecilic individual I have ever met! You deny the Princess her wants, you deny her subjects their wants, and-”

“Did it occur to you that I might want to lose my virginity to one of my own species? Maybe one that I had feelings for?” I asked

“You… You’ve never had sex before?” Celestia asked, somewhat shocked

“No, no I have not,”

“I’m so sorry… I didn’t know. It will have to me first then, I must make sure it is wonderful your first time,”

“Fuck me…”

“CAPTAIN, WE JUST PULLED A SERIOUS FUBAR!”

“What happened?”

“We just said ‘fuck me’ in front of a bunch of rapist ponies sir,”

The captain pulled down his shades slightly “Mother of god… SOUND THE ALARMS! I served in this guys brain for longer than I can remember, and we got some damn good guys in the memory center, AND I WILL NOT GO DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT! LET’S DO THIS SHIT!”

“Oh don’t worry I will,”

“Cap?” I asked in an unsure voice “I don’t know what I can do… I lost,”

“Sonny, what was the first thing momma told you?”

“Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down?”

“Uhhh, right after that,”

“never give up, no matter what?”

“THAT! Yes put that into effect right now,”

“Yes sir!”

I think I just went insane. Whatever, I’m in a land of colorful ponies who want to rape me. Insanity is justified. I got up and faced Celestia.

“YOU! Are a grade A bitch, you know that?” I said, pointing

“Why don’t you take off those cloths and treat me like one,” she suggested. For gods sake get you mind out of the gutter.

“No, no I’m good thanks. So, I was thinking… what if you let me rest up a bit. So I can satisfy as many ponies as possible,”

“You tried that once, won’t work again,”

“Well it was modified to fit this situation. Give me some credit,”

“Stop stalling,”

“Well that was my plan until TWILIGHT! Does something, or another mare, or stallion, or fucking someone does something to help me. Maybe if TWILIGHT FUCKING SPARKLE! Would help me out I wouldn’t need to stall. Because TWILIGHT would help me out if TWILIGHT was here,”

“You’re not very subtle,”

“Fuck you. They called us ground pounders, not smarty pantseses… shut the fuck up!” I was kinda confused, even in the military I didn’t normally swear so much. Whatever! Feels empowering, like typing a message with caps lock on. OOH I wonder if there’s a special term for that. Hmm, wait… eyes what’s happening?

I brought myself back to reality and looked around. I was not in the middle of town surrounded by a bunch of ponies, I was now in an apple orchard. Well this is interesting. Huh, I really owe Twilight a few favors don’t I? Well, worth it… as long as the favor isn’t sex. That would be bad. Anyways, apple orchard, shit to do, aaaand I hear voices… god, damn it.

Author's Note

OK! So, I may have been in Europe for three weeks. Lovely place, sucks I don't live there. Anyways, my most sincere apologies for not publishing this sooner, or doing something like that. DON'T HATE ME!

It all makes sense! kinda.

I ran up to a tree and used my mad climbing skills to get high up into it. I stayed up there for a while until I laid my eyes upon an apple. My stomach growled, letting me know how long it was since I had last eaten. Sure I was a soldier, but that didn’t mean I never had to eat anything. I smiled and took off my gask mask. I picked the fruit and took a bite. Oh sweet Cel… what the hell is happening to me? Oh sweet black baby Jesus that’s good. With a few more crunches the fruit was entirely gone. I was pretty hardcore. (bun dun tss!) I picked and ate probably five or six more apples before I was full. I leaned back in the tree and smiled. For the first time in a while I didn’t have to worry about being molested or whatever. It was nice, boring, like my job.

I began to think about my job, and what they thought happened to me. I suppose if they somehow salvaged the previous coordinates and did some fancy science stuff they could find me. Nah, I’m just some random solider who died doing his duty. Wonder if they gave me a medal of honor? Giving my life so I could shut down the portal. That would be awesome. Wonder if my family showed up? It’d be depressing I fhtye didn’t. I sighed, I missed them sure, and they probably thought I was dead, but they broke me once I joined up. You break off all contact with your family unless you have a legal wife or fiancé. Even then though it’s once a month. Oh so very happy if they come back, too distant for them to grieve to much if they don’t. Sad, but effective system.

Wait… I heard voices. Where did the go? I looked down and saw nothing. Looking around and still nothing. No pegasi in the sky, no ponies… anywhere. It was kinda creepy. Like wandering through a ghost town. Except I was sitting on my lazy butt in an apple tree. I sighed, should probably do something about this whole mess I’m in. I could probably build my own teleport- HAHAHAH no, no that’s not happening. I could live in a forest for the rest of my life. Be an old hermit that gives kids nightmares. NOPE! Flaw one, what if kids are affected as well. Then I’ll feel bad if I hurt them, worse if I… do them.

“Etrius! Etrius are you here!” Twilight called, YES!

I jumped down from the tree, landing like an idiot and twisting my ankle. Why Odin why, why do you hate me so? You’ve been all bipolar recently. Is this a game to you! Is it! WELL?

“Oh there you are! I was worried that you might not be here, or something went wrong with my magic,”

I looked over to Twilight and smiled.

“Hey there. So yeah, I just hurt myself… and I think it’s going to be a serious problem,”

“What? What did you break something?” she asked in a concerned tone

“Oh no. Just twisted my ankle. Not life threatening… just virginity jeopardizing,”

“I see. I’m sorry I don’t know any healing magic,”

“But… but what about up at the castle?” I asked

“Oh, the Princes had cast an exhaustion spell on you. I simply removed it. Even if I did know healing magic, I can’t be sure they would be compatible with your anatomy,”

“Oh… well I suppose that makes sense. But I can’t help but feel a little angry at myself,”

“I’ll help you out. Don’t worry. It’s my fault for being so reckless with the experimentation anyways. And writing to the princess,”

“Stop right there. I don’t want to get mad at my only friend here,”

“Oh, alright. But I did get to finish up with my research!”

“Really? Well what’s up with, most of these ponies?”

“Something in your lungs, mixes with our natural air and produces something similar to mating pheromones. The only difference is yours are far more... potent, I guess would be the right word,”

“So by breathing… simply breathing! I’m putting myself at risk of rape?”

“Well…yes,” she said timidly

I sighed and put my face into my hands. “Don’t feel bad Twilight. It’s not your fault. Just… why the hell was I so lucky as to survive that accident,”

“What accident? Oh, right,”

“Yeah,” I said

“So tell me about your world,” she said enthusiastically

“Hmm? Oh, okay Twilight, I promise you with all my heart. That if you can help me solve my current problem, I will answer every single one of your questions to the best of my abilities,”

“Of course, sorry. It’s just UGH I want to know so much!”

“Heh, alright. So how do these pheromones work?”

“Well, for a normal pony, when a mare goes into heat, she will release a scent letting stallions know. Normally, this is just distracting, or makes it hard to think for a bit. But with you, it seems to trigger the most basic of pony instincts. It’s impossible to ignore you, and no matter your species or physical appearance they will want you,”

“So why is it selective?”

“Mares and stallions with either an abnormally large sex life, or a large amount of magic in their system tend to be able to ignore it,”

“Interesting… I think… I really just want there to be some simple on off switch to this, but all things worth while in life are hard to get… I think… I was never good with philosophy,”

“It wasn’t that bad,” Twilight said

“How ‘bout this. When in danger of being molested by a pony princess, scream out Twilight and all your problems will go away?”

“Ha ha. You’re lucky I got there when I did,”

“Yes thank you very much for that,” we sat there in silence for a bit. Just resting.

“Hey Twilight, do you think you could cast a spell to replace the missing lens?” I asked, pointing to the broken one.

“Um, I don’t know. But if we found the pieces, then I’m sure I could repair it,”

“Alright. Try doing what I said first,”

She nodded, and her horn began to glow. A few seconds later, and a purple disc appeared where the missing lens was. Her horn died down, but the disc stayed put. It wasn’t see though, but I could live with that. It was only temporary anyways. I looked down at her.

“Thanks! I knew you could-”

The purple lens fell out of the mask and shattered on the ground before disappearing. Darn.

“Nevermind. But it was worth a shot,”

“Sorry. My brother is better with physical barrier spells,”

“Nothing to apologize for. You gave it your best, and hey, maybe the next time a human comes through here you can help him out better than I,” I said with a smile.

“Always the optimist aren’t you?” she asked

“Yeah, my commanding officers loved me for it. I would always raise moral, but wouldn’t be automatically hated for being up top,”

“Why would soldiers hate their officers?”

“Well… if a commander makes a bad call, chances are high people die. Lots. So when the survivors come back, they have to blame someone,”

“Oh,” she said, her face falling.

“Well, do you think you could teleport back to your house and grab the pieces?” I asked

“Oh, no. The magical signature would give you away us away in no time. Celestia and the others would get to you before we could do anything,”

“Welllllll piss. So what, wait for dark then sneak in?” I asked

“That would be one way to do it,”

“Can you think of anther?”

“Not right now. But if I think of a better solution I’ll let you know,”

“Alright. I’m gonna take a nap. You keep me covered alright?” I said

She responded with a clumsy salute. I laughed and ruffled up her mane. She gave me a playfully sour look before straightening it out with her hooves. I sat down and leaned against the tree. About damn time I got some sleep. I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.

“Etrius… Etrius wake up!” I woke up to a hushed but panicked voice. I was also being shaken.

“Hm! What?” I asked in my normal tone

“SHH! They might hear you,”

“What? Who?” I asked, lowering my tone

“I think the effects have worn off of most of the ponies by now, but I think Princess Celestia has something up with her system. Her being an Alicorn, I don’t know how long it will last,”

“She’s here?” I asked, my eyes darting all around the sunset lit orchard.

“No, but I heard some guards nearby. We need to move,”

I nodded and got up into a crouch. She started to walk in a direction, which I really hoped was away from the noises. I followed her, making sure to not step on any twigs or branches. I remembered how many days I got of latrine duty after I got caught playing a prank on my C.O. It was worth it though. We kept on walking until a barn, and a house came into view.

“That’s where Applejack lives. We need to be really careful here,”

“Noted. So are we assuming they’re all still under the influence?”

“Better safe than sorry,”

I nodded. We crept along until we were about fifty feet from the house. A light turned on, but I kept my cool. Well, I tried. I noticed I was breathing a lot faster, and they were more panicked. I closed my eyes and calmed myself. I opened them and Twilight was creeping along again. I followed her and we made it to the barn. That light, hmmmm, nah. Probably just some kid getting a glass of water. Twilight poked her head into the barn, then pulled it out.

She nodded, I need to give her a little sign or something for a thumbs up. Nah, that’s stupid, well at least I recognized it. I crept along behind her far past the barn, and probably five minutes out I stood up.

“Thanks for the save Twilight,” I said

“Oh, it’s no problem. What are friends for?” she said with a smile

“Well… I never had many so I don’t really know,” I said

“It’s a figure of speech Etrius,”

“That makes sense,”

“But, you never had many friends?”

“Nah. I always had one or two when I was in school. But we were all in societies reject bin,”

“Oh that’s terrible! Did the other kids not know the magic of friendship?”

“Well… they knew having friends was nice, but… I don’t know how to respond to that,”

“Oh. I'm sorry,”

We walked in silence for another five minutes, as the sun set and the moon rose. I always liked the night. Lots of fun to mess around in the moonlight, personal preference I suppose. Yet another thing that’s odd about me. Ponyville… heh, silly name, came into view and Twilight slowed her pace.

“Most ponies aren’t out at night, but we should still be careful,” Twilight warned

“Noted. OH! Hey Twilight, I’ve got a good riddle for you,”

She looked at me with a raised eyebrow.

“Ha ha. If Jimmy is fifty feet away from a tree, and he jumps half that distance, then half the next distance and so on, when will Jimmy reach the tr-”

“Never,”

“Way to be a buzzkill. I finally get all intellectual and you top me without even trying,”

“Sorry, we have our own version of that, and I’ve already heard it,”

“Oh. Well that makes sense,”

We kept walking until we saw a couple of guards standing at the entrance of the town.

“In other news, Hurricane Celestia continues to destroy the hopes and dreams of Corporal Etrius,”

Twilight gave me a funny look.

“It’s a human thing,” I said, walking to get around the guards.

Author's Note

Yay, I didn't make you wait a month! Aren't you proud of me? :D

It all makes sense! (The Dramatic Finish)

“You don’t think that maybe, just for me, we could do it. Just once?” Twilight pleaded

“No,” I said firmly

“Why not! It would be fun!”

“Keep quiet! Whoops. No, I will not carry you around on my back all night,”

She huffed. “I was just trying to be more spontaneous. Way to shoot me down,”

“Yeah yeah… wait how do you know that term?”

“I don’t know, it’s just something to say,”

“Whatever, too late to think about it,”

We were somewhere in the middle of Ponyville now, with Twilight leading the way to her Library. She had stopped to ask a guard about their presence here, and all she got was that Celestia wanted to have a ‘talk,’ with me. We quickly agreed to continue sneaking around.

She walked over to her house and opened the door. I checked both ways for cars… and guards… and crossed. I got into her house and closed the door behind me. I closed my eyes and took in a breath of fresh air. Well, not fresh air, I had been outside anyways, but I was safe in here.

“Hello Etrius,” Celestia said

So close.

“So uhhh…” I said, opening my eyes. “About the whole thingy? With you not raping me?”

“I came here to apologize for that. We found you while you were napping and Twilight explained what was going on. I am truly, truly sorry for my actions, as well as the rest of the mares and stallions of Equestria,” She said.

“Wait then why with Twilight acting like you were still weird?”

“It’s rare I get to pull a joke like this. She also told me you had numerous weapon like objects on you, yet you never used any. Commendable, many others would have panicked and used them,”

“Well… I know how to keep my cool,” I said, casually leaning against the wall.

“Now then, as for this,” She said, her horn started to glow and I only started ot go mildly crazy in my head. A bunch of pieces of glass floated up from a table and flew over to my eye. They inserted themselves in the broken lens and the cracks were quickly mended.

“Thank you… very much,” I said.

“Don’t. I would have done terrible things to you against your will. I hope in time you can truly forgive us. For now though, I shall return to Canterlot and we will search for a way to send you home,” She said walking towards the door.

“So… what now?” I asked as she left.

“Well… I don’t know. Get used to living here I suppose. There’s no guarantee that she can find a way to send you back,” Twilight said.

“That’s a depressing, yet accurate thought Twilight,” I said. Wait… “Wait did she pull the mother of all practical jokes on me five seconds ago?”

She snickered a bit. “Uh huh. But for now, help yourself to some apples and then go to bed. The bedroom is there,” she said, pointing “Guest bedroom, I know you’re still on edge. Have a nice night!” She called, walking up the stairs.

“This is entirely too convenient,” I said to myself. Seriously good things like this never actually happen,”

Did this just happen? Everything resolved itself in one horrible little children’s book fairly tale ending thingy? I was mid-climax, not in that way, ugh… just no, and then it’s all resolved. This whole thing could be wrapped up in a twenty two minute kids show!

“IS THIS SERIOUSLY HOW IT ENDS!?”
------------------------------------------------------------------click-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So what did you all think of the adult My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic?” The representative asked.

The group of adult bronies looked around at each other and shrugged.

“Please use a show of thumbs to answer,” The representative said.

Out of the group, thirty nine put up a thumbs up, and four gave a thumbs down. Plenty of others simply didn’t vote, finding it average at best.

The representative scribbled something down on a clipboard and smiled at the group.

“Thank you all for participating in this survey. The exit is through that door and to the right,” Artyom gave a smile as he walked out a different exit.

Author's Note

PA PA PA PLOT TWIIIIIIIIIST! BET YA DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING! HA HA! HA! Ha! ha... heh... so thanks for participating in this study, your cooperation has been wonderful.