Discord Chats With Excalibur

by Coltsguy

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Other, Random, Discord, Crossover, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3178

Excalibur is a very annoying sword. But then again, Discord will take whatever he can get right now in order for him to alleviate his boredom.

Discord is bored with everything since he decided to be good for the sake of his friendship with Fluttershy. However, he begins to hear rumors of a being with a chaotic nature similar to his own. So, on a whim, he goes to meet this being with the hopes of easing his boredom. Just what will he find when discovers the legendary holy sword, Excalibur, deep within the caves of England? Perhaps more than he bargained for.

Published 2013-05-31 21:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-31 21:30:02 UTC

And They All Lived...Somehow

A splash echoed within the cave. Then another. The splashes soon became noticeable as footsteps. The owner of said footsteps was a very unique creature. It was a creature known as a draconequus, and it had a name.

Discord, God of Chaos.

Though, if you looked at him right now, you would hardly think that. He was currently walking through a corridor in a cave while soaking wet. The water itself came up just over the base of his tail. Despite being all wet, for some unknown reason, he was carrying a pink umbrella over his head. Well, I suppose the umbrella makes things a little less normal. However, all it did was keep the drips from the ceiling from dropping on his already wet body.

“Well, this place certainly is dreary. If I didn’t have to worry about the strange magic in this place I would certainly spruce it up quite a bit.”

As he walked along the surprisingly well lit tunnel, he happened to catch a glimpse of something flying towards him. It was a small fairy. She had caught sight of Discord and flew right up to him.

“Why hello there little fairy! My name is Discord, the chaos bringer. I have come seeking the sword known as Excalibur. By any chance is it up ahead?”

The fairy looked at him for a moment. Suddenly, she sneered and looked off behind her. She then uttered a quick affirmative and took off back the way she came. Discord simply chuckled.

“Well, it seems that I’ve come to the right place. Oh, how delightful this will be!”

Discord continued to walk down the tunnel and before long he reached a dead end in the cave. The cave itself was fairly large. The ceiling was quite high up, but you couldn’t see the top for the fact that a strange light was coming down from it; illuminating the cavern. Most of the ground was still covered in water with the exception of an island in the center. In the center of that island, there was a sword stuck in the ground.

“It looks like I found what I came for. The holy sword, Excalibur. I was expecting something grander, something more stylish, something more than just this.”

He kept shaking his head as he walked up to the sword. He had heard some wild stories about the sword Excalibur, but upon seeing the sword he began to doubt them. After all, something so grand wasn’t supposed to look like that. Though, the vibration in the air seemed to be slightly more in tune with what he had heard. Then again, he always felt that anyway so what did he care?

As he stood in front of the sword, he took one last look at it before reaching out to it. He then grabbed the hilt and pulled on it slightly. The sword easily came loose and he fully pulled it out of the rock and held it in front of him.

“Well, if nothing else the craftsmanship is exquisite, but I could say that about a great many swords. This seems to be a waste of my time.”

As he prepared to leave with the sword, a bright light emanated from the sword and filled his vision. When it returned, he looked at his hand and noticed it was now empty. He then looked down and saw quite the peculiar creature, even to one such as himself.

It was a simplistic anthropomorphic creature, as opposed to Discord himself who was quite complicated, whose diminished stature barely even equated to half of his own height. Its facial features were comprised of bulbous eyes that look like a failed arts and crafts project, though he himself had no right to criticize. It also had a prominent upturned snout while the remainder of its small white body displayed slender limbs and feet strangely akin to those of a rabbit. Despite those features, it had a slight indication of prestige with some high quality attire, consisting of a white top hat that nearly equaled it in height and a similarly colored shirt with a frilled ruff worn under a white jacket. However, this quickly changed because of the absence of any clothing covering its’ lower half. Finally, the look was completed with a matching white cane.

“How utterly delightful!” Discord exclaimed. “It seems that my little excursion here may not have been a waste after all.”

The little white creature twirled its cane and dropped the end down with a resounding echo.

“It seems that you have pulled me from the cavern floor. Tell me, what is your name?”

“I’d be delighted to tell you-“

“Fool!” interrupted Excalibur. “My legend begins in the twelfth century. What manner of creature are you to gaze upon me?” he asked as he pointed his cane towards Discord’s face.

“I am a draconequus my good fellow!”

“What is your favorite letter between A and M?”

“Why tangerine of course!” Discord answered without a hint of pause.

“Fool! You have no right to choose! My legend begins in the twelfth century.”

“That’s not really all that long you know?”

“Fool! Do you know what kind of vest this is?”

“Not in particular. Though, it does look rather fashionable.”

“Since you don’t know, I’ll tell you. Sommelier wear trim vests to signify the amount of time they have worked in their profession. It is a sign of great prestige.”

“So, that means that you worked as a sommelier?”

“Fool! Whoever said that I was a sommelier? This is why I can’t abide by the antlered.”

“But what else could I use as a toothpick? Wood? That just sounds ridiculous and I won’t have any part of it,” Discord said while crossing his arms and looking away in a huff.

“Fool! My legend begins in the twelfth century. Do you want to hear the heroic tale?”

“I must admit I am a bit curious about how exactly you-“

“Fool! Incidentally, if you wish to associate with me there are a thousand provisions that I would like you to observe. You must to listen to these provisions first before you are allowed to associate with me.”

“I suppose that sounds reasonable. What are these provisions?”

“Very well," he said while twirling his cane for a moment before clanking the end on the ground. "My mornings begin with a cup of coffee.”

A quick flashback suddenly appeared. In it, there was a Japanese style home overlooking a traditional koi pond and stone path walkway. Along the wooden ledge that was surrounding the house sat a stoic Excalibur holding his drink while looking deep in thought. Inside of the glass, a single, short stem floated in the center. He took the glass and sipped on it slightly. After he brought it back down, he spoke up again.

“Nothing beats roasted tea in the morning.”

The flashback ended and they were brought back to the present.

“Thus, my mornings begin with a cup of coffee.”

“I’m more of a chocolate milk fan myself.”

“Provision number one: my mornings always begin with a cup of coffee. Don’t forget that!”

“And what flavor would you like that to be?”

“Let me show you something.”

Excalibur’s cane reached out to Discord’s face once again. This time, there was a picture taped to the end of it. In it, there was an image of Excalibur standing atop of both Celestia and Luna who each looked quite young and had smiles on their faces.

“Interesting. You know the royal pony sisters?”

Silently, a blush formed on the face of Excalibur.

“Of course I know them. I met them in my youth.”

Again, the scenery changed into a flashback. This time, it was in the framework of a stone walled city. Old, wooden houses were dotted alongside dirt and hay covered roads. No one was visible anywhere you looked. Then, along came Excalibur while being flanked by several ponies on each side of him. They trotted down the street slowly and deliberately. After a few seconds of this, they kicked out one of their front legs into the air fanning out symmetrically to Excalibur. He then matched them by kicking out his right foot and holding it out into the air with his arms extended to the sides. His youthful hair then bounced slightly of its own accord.

“The city was dull and lacking in character,” Excalibur said.

A cutaway led to a back alley where several ponies were walking by. They seemed to be dull in their color and their heads seemed to hang low as they walked as if they were saddened about everything. Standing against a wall behind them was Excalibur. He seemed to watch them as they walked by. He then suddenly posed with his right foot sticking out in the air with his arms extended to the sides.

“Even as this happened, I was no exception.”

The scene once again transitioned. This time it was the scene of the entire city surrounded by a forest at night with a thick wall between them. Torches were lit everywhere inside making the city seem like it was glowing. As the view widened, three figures were vaguely seen on a cliff overlooking the city. The one in the middle was Excalibur, while the ones to his sides looked much like a young Celestia to the left and Luna to the right.

“One day, we will find a place where we can all live in a more peaceful manner,” the young Celestia said.

A few moments later, and Excalibur turned around and posed with his right foot sticking out in the air with his arms extended to the sides.

The flashback then ended and they both came back to the present.

“Thus, I began lifting weights to keep myself in shape for my dear children.”

“So,” Discord began, “that was when you met them?”

“Fool! That has nothing to do with it! Honestly, you don’t seem to get it at all.”

“It sounds more like you don’t want to talk about it,” Discord said in a huffy manner while reclining and floating in midair.

“Number 121 of the one thousand provisions you are to observe: always shut off the lights when I leave anywhere. I will not be allowing the waste of light.”

“Awwww, but it’s so fun to waste things.”

“Fool! It’s only natural to shut off the lights when you leave a room. You wouldn’t want anyone to see your belongings and steal your weights! Then how would you be able to keep in shape?”

“Some light calisthenics should take care of that,” Discord added helpfully.

“In short, it’s a glass ensemble that cannot be planned using things like common sense or probabilities. Perhaps it should be called fate. Nay! This goes far beyond such trifling matters and brings scores of possibilities for which the hands of fortune may bless or curse on a mere whim.”

“That, my good sir, belongs in the lands of the whimsical. A land that I frequent quite consistently.”

“Thus, I began to sing a lovely concert at the grand auditorium to thousands of disheartened ponies.”

“Wait, you sang in public?”

Another flashback brought both of them to a grand outdoor auditorium. The stage was a stone covered half dome facing out into a sea of ponies. The sun was just beginning to set and cast the stage in an orange hue. The crowd of ponies began stomping their hooves in applause as Excalibur appeared from behind a velvet curtain that was raised up slowly. After the applause died down, he began singing to them.

“Excalibur! Excalibur!
From the United Kingdom!
I’m looking for Heaven!
I’m going to California!
Excalibur! Excalibur!”

The ponies erupted into a grand applause at the performance. There were even several who whistled loudly at him. He then bowed and looked out at the ponies as his eye twinkled brightly.

“Thus singing was no longer outlawed.”

The two of them went back to the present.

“That’s funny. I don’t remember singing ever being outlawed in Equestria.”

“Fool! Singing is known throughout ponykind. It has played a vital role in the history of the world. To not show it respect is to denounce the efforts of all those who have come beforehand. It is not something that can be whisked away for the amusement of the incompetent.”

“Oh I’m sure I could find something even more entertaining to take its’ place,” Discord said with a chuckle.

“That brings me to number 673 of the one thousand provisions: when helping a lady to cross the street, make sure to be gentle or else she will strike you down.”

“Unless she throws me into a black hole, I doubt she is capable of such a feat.”

There was a short period of time when nothing was said at all between them.

“Fool!” Excalibur said suddenly.

“Tree!” Discord said just as suddenly.

“This reminds me of the time I once had to run across the land to warn the people of the impending invasion by the British. It was quite the arduous undertaking.”

Once again, a flashback brought forth an image of a forest quickly flying by in the dead of night. The only sound that was heard was the galloping of hooves. Then, a horse was then seen emerging from the trees as the source of the galloping and on top of the horse was a standing Excalibur. His cane was wrapped around the reins that were attached to the horse and he seemed to have no trouble keeping his balance despite the constant shifting. The only minor difference was that somehow Excalibur had a powder wig coming from the back of his hat which waved in the wind generated by the speeding stallion.

Soon, the scene broke into a much less wooded area as some colonial style houses came into view. He slowed down and stopped in front of one of the houses and dismounted. He quickly sauntered up to the house and rapped upon the door with his cane. After a few seconds, a dreary man in a white shirt and some loose fitting pants opened the door.

“What does thou want at this hour?” the man asked.

“I wish to inform you that the British may or may not be coming here at some point and you should be prepared,” answered Excalibur.

“Why thank you kindly stranger. I’ll do my best to be ready.”

With that, the man closed the door. Excalibur then turned around and mounted his horse once more. He then snapped the reins and ushered forth his steed.

“To the next town Arthur!”

The scene quickly returned to the present. Discord looked forward at Excalibur with an almost gleeful look in his eyes.

“So when did the British arrive?” he asked.

“Fool! General Lee had already surrendered by then to General Grant by then. I merely was tasked to make sure that nothing happened after the war.”

Discord let out a raucous bout of laughter. He then disappeared and reappeared behind Excalibur.

“I knew you would be the right man to see. I have a very good friend that I wish you to meet.”

Several days later, we can see Princess Celestia attending to her royal duties at Canterlot Castle. Nothing was too out of place. She was merely placing her signature on some documents that required them. However, this was soon interrupted by a knocking sound and a pony in armor approaching from the main entrance to the throne room.

“Your Majesty, I bring you news,” he stated as he bowed.

“Rise my little pony. What news do you bring me today?”

He rose from his bow and continued on.

“Your Majesty, I wish to inform you that Discord has arrived from his trip away from the kingdom.”

“I see. Has he brought any news?”

“He has actually brought a guest with him.”

“Oh really?” she inquired in an amused tone. “What kind of guest?”

The guard remained silent for a moment. Then he gave a horrible sneer and looked behind him.

“A…most unique guest to be sure,” he replied through his gritted teeth.

“I see,” Celestia said in a slightly concerned tone. “Let them enter.”

“Yes your Majesty,” he replied and left for the entrance.

Celestia was quite intrigued. Discord had never associated with anyone for an extended period of time before. Who was this that was important enough that he felt the need to bring them to visit her?

The doors to the throne room swung open. Emerging from behind them was Discord in his entire chaotic splendor. However, the creature accompanying him was unlike anything she had seen before.

"Princess!" Discord cried out. "It's wonderful to see you once again. Allow me to introduce you to the holy sword Excalibur!"

Discord made a grand sweeping motion and stepped away slightly from Excalibur. Excalibur then sauntered down the red carpet that led to the throne while spinning his cane in his hand.

"It is a pleasure," Princess Celestia stated. "To what do I owe-"

"Fool!"

She jumped slightly in her throne before Excalibur continued.

"My legend begins in the twelfth century..."

Several days later, a large crowd is gathered in the courtyard of Canterlot Castle. The princesses along with all of the Elements of Harmony are gathered in front of a large platform that one particular individual.

"For crimes against pony kind," Princess Celestia started, "I hereby sentence you to be banished to the moon for a thousand years."

An enormous cheer erupted from the crowd.

"Oh come now," Discord objected. "It wasn't really that bad."

"Silence Discord!" yelled Luna. "We are not amused! We find the acts that thou created incorrigible!"

"My sister and I are in agreement! Twilight Sparkle, you may begin."

Twilight nodded and activated the Elements of Harmony. Soon, all of them coalesced into a rainbow and shot forward to engulf the holy sword Excalibur. The rainbow then shot into the sky and trailed off onto its destination.

"I still say we could have just sent him back to the cave where I retrieved him from."

"Does thou wish to join thine new friend?" Luna asked conspiratorially.

"No. No. I'm good here," Discord retorted defensively.

Princess Celestia then turned to the crowd.

"Let us never speak of the being known as Excalibur ever again!"

The crowd once again erupted in a raucous cheer that lasted for quite a while.

Later, when the moon came out for the night, a very noticeable visage was seen on the face of the moon. It was a dark silhouette in the shape of the head of Excalibur with his hat and eyes clearly visible. Those ponies who saw it shivered in disgust and looked to forget what had transpired. And as the scene drew to a close with an iris out closing, it stopped when it encircled only the moon. Then, the silhouette of Excalibur blinked a knowing blink with a twinkle in his eye.

"Fool!"