Horse Apples

by Darkly Hooves

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Slice of Life
Length: 1312

Princess Twilight Sparkle tries to enjoy her sandwich and studies in peace.

Princess Twilight Sparkle tries to enjoy her sandwich and studies in peace.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-06-01 13:01:19 UTC

What a load of...

Once upon a time, in the magical principality of Equestria...

... there was one regal unicorn, her curple the brightest purple, enjoying a quiet early lunch of alfalfa and daffodil sandwich and a salt shake at the local Ponyville Bistro, it was marketday, and the more open centre of Ponyville was a bustle of fruits and produce being hawked. - A faint red unicorn with a long braided black mane was struggling to stack her wares, her magic flickering out occasionally as she clutched her stomach with her hoof. Oftentimes sending her fruits bouncing on the cobbles. In the background din of ponies going about their business, this small personal drama was blissfully ignored by Princess Sparkle, whom was devouring a book on advanced theorems as well as her sandwich, Spike was sitting across the table, sipping a hot cocoa.

Applejack was returning to her market-stall when suddenly something went squish under her hoof, cheeks flushing as she glanced down at the sun-warmed despoiler of her leg, "Hooeh, I've gon durn' stepped in a horse apple!" she blurted out. The unicorn working the stall turned around, her face blushing even more than her coat as she curtsied, in a exotic accent apologizing "Ah, Friend Applejack, I am very sorry, but these stomach pains has made me drop horse apples on the street all day. Oogh."

Twilight stared blankly ahead, the last few passages of her book not even registering in her brain anymore as all lines suddenly had become very busy replaying the last few moments exchange behind her. Spike snorted derisively, putting his cocoa down to listen.

"Sweet Nellie, Lai-seed. Why dun' ya'll stay home until' ya'll be feel'n better?" Applejack inquired, with genuine concern in her voice, Lychee blanched visibly, "Ah.. I am very sorry, friend Applejack! But all of my family are busy in other towns, or with chores at the farm. And who would fulfill the needs of Ponyville if Lychee wasn't here to offer them Lychee's nice juicy horse apples?"

Spike suppressed a inappropriate giggle, Twilight glared at him, but also put a hoof over her curling lips,

"Well at the risk of tootin' mah own horn, but ah am a bona-fide sales mare aroun' these parts, and ah can't stand seein' a fellow entepreneur sufferin',  So tell'ya wut, what if ahm buy yer horse apples off ya, so ya'll can pack up and see a doctor. But ahm taken' to understand yer conun'drm, ya'll don' mind me givin' ya a helpin' hoof with yer horse apples?"

"Oh ooh! That simply would not do! What kind of mare would I be if I let other ponies pick up my horse apples after me?"

"A mare with less horse-apples all over the street I reckon'."

"In light of your logic, I yield to your compassion, you are a true friend, Applejack."

"It ain't nuthin', why I pick up Granny Smith's apples every day and I ain't complainin' but nun'."

Princess Sparkle slowly put her sandwich down, her expression blank as her pupils shrank into pin-pricks. Spike was slowly keeling over in his seat, shaking with suppressed guffaws, - Situation was about to calm down when suddenly Pinkie Pie burst out of the poor salesmare's stand, sending her round produce everywhere.

"HIYAAAA EVERYPONY!"

"P-Pinkie Pie! You scared me! And now my horse apples are everywhere!" Lychee fidgeted, corraling up as many as she could with her magic before they spread too far. Alas, her stomach pains.

"Oooh horse apples! I used to play with these all the time when I was a filly!" Pinkie squee'd, pronking clear of the stand, sending yet more of the apples rolling.

"Pinkie Pah, this is hardly the time nor place for yer-..."

"This one time at the rock-farm! I got a cup, and were playing catch the horse apple, but wouldn't you know, catching a horse apple in a cup is really hard! So I would just lay on my back while my two sisters dumped horse apples all over me-"

Twilight's expression was entirely blank as she picked up her sandwich again, missed entirely and ripped out a good sandwich shaped chunk of the table, her alicorn physique did not seem to mind the strange texture however as she began chewing on the aged finish with a savory crunching noise of splintering wood.

Spike was in tears, clearly choking on giggles as he almost knocked his cocoa over, hammering the table with one bunched little dragon-paw.

Then Trixie appeared on the scene, a burst of fireworks announcing her arrival.

"Never fear, Ponyvillians, the Grrreat and powerful Trixie knows a thing or two about horse apples." quoth the wild Trixie as her magic enveloped all the rogue horse apples and rounded them up into neat little piles.

"Ooh, Lychee is honored by such a powerful mage visiting her stall. Please, as thank you, accept a sampling of my wares." To which Applejack was simply rolling her eyes, now there were two of them talking in third person...

"Trixie is...sorry. But Trixie is already full of horse apples!-"

There was a double-spittake from the table, Sparkle sending suds of foamed and lightly salted liquid from one side of the table, with Spike shooting hot cocoa through his nostrils, forming a unevenly mixed pattern on the surface, much to the annoyance of the part-time waitress.

"- from her early lunch and could not possibly accept more from you, oh purveyor of horse apples." the maregician curtsied.

"Oh but these are fresh #2s from my family's farm. Just a few for the road, yes?" Lychee insisted.

"I think the road has had plenty of apples today! But don't mind if I do!" Pinkie giggled before Trixie could respond, her unnaturally long tongue whipping out and doing terrifying things to a poor hapless horse apple.

"Pinkie Pah! Stop lickin' her horse apples!" cried Applejack

"What? They're goooood! And they taste so funny compared to your apples, Applejack."

"Well that's true, horse apples are quite a special taste 'perience... Doesn't make it allright fer ya'll to lick anypone's apples though!"

Spike gave up trying to clean up the mess and stifling his mirth at the same time, curling up on his chair and going walleyed with giggles.

"Did somepony say horseapples?" a wild Rainbow Dash inquired, fluttering down from her mid-afternoon bit

"Oh, Rainbow Dash, didn't take ya fer a horse-apple lovin' pony."

"Are you kidding, I love horse apples, particularly #1s! They're so squishy and juicy and gosh, how their juice run down your face and cheeks when you bite into one. Sometimes when I was a filly, Dad would take a nice warm #1 and spray it on my face while I was lapping it all up-"

"-Ooh that sounds like fun, Dashie! Do me! Do me!"

"Arright! Stand back Pinkie, this is gonna be a flood!" Rainbow Dash warned her friend, grabbing a juicy ripe looking horse-apple from the stand.

"Rainbow Dash! Ya'll better pay fer them-ow! Consarnit, mah eyes! Watch where ya'll aimin' that thing!"

"Sorry A,J! My #1s squirt where they please!"

Giggling hysterically, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, ran down the street, with Applejack in hot pursuit, leaving a neatly tidied stand and a slightly confused pair of unicorns behind, shaking themselves out of their Pinkie induced shock. Trixie accepted some hedge apples and a osage orange after some more prompting by the apologetic foreign mare and was idly contemplating the weird green fruit'like thing.  Upon spotting a pony she remembered with apprehension, she decided to say hello, only to change her mind at what appeared to be a alicorn, slowly eating a book, and reading a half-eaten daffodil sandwich. And her baby-dragon assistant passed out under the table.

"Care for a horse-apple, Princess Sparkle? A fresh warm ripe #2 from the Great and Powerful Trixie."

Needs a ending...