Whiskey For My Mares, Beer For My Horses

by CountDerpy

Rating: teen
Tags: Cutie Mark Crusaders, Adventure, Maud Pie, Pinkie Pie, Big Macintosh, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1395

We'll raise up our glasses against evil forces, just as we have always done.

Many ponies around Equestria believe that only the Royal Guards handle all crime in the world, but even the elite guards need assistance in rounding up the meanest criminals in all of Equestrian history.

That is when they call the Rangers, an elite group of bounty hunters that travel the countryside hunting down these big time criminals, and who do you find sitting at the head of the entire ranger operations?

Why the Apple Family of course!

Published 2014-06-30 03:50:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-30 03:50:05 UTC

Neon Moon

The Appleloosian desert air was unusually hot when a small carriage rolled up outside of the Neon Moon saloon, the last stop for all of the lonely hearts and broken dreams of the inhabitants of Equestria. The bar was more of an eyesore than a useful building. It was an old wooden structure that sat on the outskirts of Dodge Junction beside the train tracks that lead to Appleloosa. The two saloon doors that lead into the interior of the bar were badly weathered and severely damaged from years of bar fights and dust storms that plagued the desert lands of Equestria. This particular evening though, the Neon Moon would receive a visit from some pony that no pony ever wanted to mess with, yet criminals from all over Equestria have tried their best to get rid of her, most of them falling with a single shot from her double barreled buckshot. She is part of the most elite bounty hunting force in Equestria, along with the rest of her family. Tonight, however, she is just stopping in for a drink.

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The bartender at the Neon Moon was a short but very stout light yellow earth pony with a large handle bar mustache and a look that could calm the stormiest of hearts or send a chill through the fieriest of souls. He slowly paced back and forth behind the cherry wood counter that had been hoof carved nearly 100 years earlier when the bar used to be a hotel and, at one point in time, a brothel. His large brown eyes darted around the bar, noticing every little move of every customer in the bar, save for the group of ruffians that had taken position in the back corner of the bar. The gathering was anything but silent and considerate to the lonely hearts that travel many miles to the Neon Moon to drown their sorrows in drink, slamming glasses on the table and demanding more than their fair share of the bar's small stock of liquor.

A taller blue pegasus stood up and launched his mug at the bar, the heavy crystal pint leaving a large divot in the wood. He let out a dark chuckle and shouted as loud as he could. "Barkeep!! Another round of cider for me and my friends here."

"Ah ain't givin' ya'll shit til ya pay fer what ya'll already had." The bartender said, his heavy country accent reverberating through the entire bar as he went around the counter and picked up the mug that had been sent flying at him moments before, a thin white rag already hard at work drying the inside of the glass.

The pegasus laughed and nodded to a slightly smaller grey pegasus that sat directly across from him. The grey pegasus slammed his half full glass of cider onto the table and reached into his overcoat and withdrew a polished brass revolver. With a quick flick of his hoof, a loud crack rang out from the gun as the barrel was aimed at the bartender and a .45 caliber round whizzed right past his head and into a bottle of Applejack Daniels. The bottle shattered and whiskey was sprayed outward in every direction. The bartender was frozen in place, his mind lost to his surroundings and focused on his need to survive. His eyes drifted back over to the blue pegasus who was now standing a few feet from him.

"I think that should be enough to cover our tab." The pegasus chuckled as he reached behind the bartender's head and took hold of a bottle of cider. He pressed his hoof against the bartender's head, pinning him against the shelves of liquor. "Now, how about I use your teeth to open this bottle here."

"Ah don't think that would be ah good idea, sugar cube." A voice said from the other end of the bar. The blue pegasus looked up to see an orange earth pony mare dressed in a large leather duster and a wide brimmed hat sit in the farthest stool, her hoof slamming down on the bar as two bits started to roll down the hard wood. "Bartender, ah bottle of whiskey if ya'd be so kind."

The pegasus stood up, tossing the bartender to the floor. He grabbed the closest bottle of Applejack Daniels and walked over to the mare. He slammed the neck of the bottle on an overhead wooden beam and stood in front of the mare. He picked up the two bits and began to pour the bottle out onto the counter. "Now that you've had your drink, enlighten me as to why I shouldn't break this pony's teeth opening my bottle?"

The mare didn't lift her head, her eyes hidden out of sight from under the brim of her hat, as she watched the wasted whiskey spill over the edge of the bar. She gave a halfhearted sigh. "Such ah waste of good whiskey..."

The pegasus glared. "Are you purposely ignoring me? Bitch, do you know who I am?" He spat as he slammed his hoof against the cherry wood, the glass bottle breaking into jagged pieces. He grabbed the largest piece and lifted it towards the mare's face. "Or maybe you will learn after I carve my name into that pretty face of yours."

The mare sighed once more as she lifted the brim of her hat, her green eyes locked in an unwavering death glare. "Ya'll thugs need better lines." She reached onto her back and pulled her double barreled shotgun from its holster, her hoof falling on the fore stock and a loud click ringing out through the bar as the gun cocked. Around the bar, many of the customers began to scream and flee from the building, the blue pegasus frozen in place as his eyes stared into the two dark barrels of the shot gun.

The rest of the thugs on the other side of the bar jumped up, their revolvers at the ready. The mare pressed the barrel to the pegasus' head and gave a quick glance to the group. "ANY OF YA'LL TRY ANYTHING, AH'LL MAKE SURE HIS BRAIN PAINTS THE WALLS!" She snapped. "Now, ya'll drop yer weapons an git!"

The thugs wasted no time in dropping their weapons and fleeing the saloon. The mare smiled a bit before turning her attention back to the pegasus, making sure to keep the barrels of her gun pressed against his temple. "Now, how about ya pay this fine gentle colt for all that there booze and be one yer way?"

The pegasus nodded and reached down towards his belt. He grabbed a small bag of bits and tossed them on the counter. He looked back at the mare. "There, ya happy you crazy bitch!?"

She narrowed her eyes. "What the hay did ya'll just call me?"

"A crazy bitch!" He snapped at her as he reached down for his revolver. The mare caught his little action and quickly whipped the butt of her shotgun into the side of the colt's head, knocking him to the floor.

"That's what ah thought ya'll said." She said as she pinned him to the ground keeping her gun pointed at him. She reached inside her duster and withdrew a pair of cuffs, reaching down and cuffing the crook. She reached into the colt's belt and grabbed his wallet. She flipped it open and smiled a bit. "Well, look at what we have here, Wind “Triple Shot" Glider, your under arrest for armed robbery, train robbing, rape an' murder."

"There is no way in Tartarus that you’re a bucking cop!" He snapped before felling the hardwood of the mare's gun slamming against his head.

The mare stood up and walked back over to the bar, leaving the now unconscious stallion laying cuffed on the floor. She pulled out two more bits and sat them on the counter before turning and aiming her gun back at the pegasus. "Bartender, how about that bottle of whiskey?"

The bartender just looked at the mare with curiosity as he walked towards her, setting a bottle of Applejack Daniels in front of her. "Never seen you around these parts. You the new sheriff or something?"

The mare grabbed the bottle and took a long swing. "The name's Applejack, and ah'm a Ranger."