Ask The Swapped Ponies!

by Mike Teavee

Rating: everyone
Tags: Alternate Universe, Human, Comedy, Random
Length: 111481

AKA: Divided Rainbow opens its doors to Q and A.

Got questions for the cast of Divided Rainbow? That's understandable! Ask The Swapped Ponies opens a fourth wall mail slot for all the readers of Divided Rainbow to pose their burning questions to the cast! Please come on in and post yours!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-04-15 01:35:47 UTC

Round Two: The Swapped Ponies Visit Camp Geiger

Round Two: The Swapped Ponies Visit Camp Geiger

Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Two:  The Swapped Ponies Visit Camp Geiger

Spoilers Up To Chapter 11

Question 1:Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Lyra: How are you taking all of this madness?  It must be tough having something dreadful happen to your herd while you are away.  Any chance of cutting your trip short to go back to them?

Lyra Heartstrings is riding aboard a long-distance passenger train, sitting in a small, cramped bedroom suite.

LYRA

Let’s see... how I am talking all this madness?  Mainly by doing my best not to let it all overwhelm me.  I’m always rereading every one of the letters my herd’s sent to me through Spike.  Every time, my emotions are running a gamut; amazement, sadness, shock, discomfort, feelings of unfairness... even laughter, at times.  I’m proud of my herd for handling themselves so well, yet their own confusion and frustration shouts to me from their letters.

She levitates her saddlebags to eye level, opening it, and drawing out all Twilight’s letters, flicking through them rapidly.

LYRA

Originally, with the first letter, I’d hoped for a quick solution; either Twilight would figure something out, or the magic would just fizzle out.  But the letters kept coming, showing me how this Swap situation was growing more and more complex.

She returns the letters to her saddlebags.

LYRA

Here’s how I make myself cope with it:  I separate myself from my emotions.  I force myself to look at the situation objectively.  Plan and strategize for what’s awaiting me at home with a clear mind.  Consider all possible angles.  It’s all I can do at this point, besides continue to travel back to Ponyville.

She drinks from a bottle of water.

LYRA

And the next bit, about how it ‘must be tough, having all this happen to my herd while I’m away.’  It is.  When I return home, they’ll all need me to be part of the solution.  They’ve been sending me all these letters to prepare me fully for what I’ll be facing at home.  Even so... the three of them will be far more experienced navigating the complexities of the Swap.  I just hope I can adapt quickly.

She sets the water bottle down.

LYRA

Now, your last point about ‘cutting my trip short.’  That isn’t even the issue anymore.  My sabbatical is finished; I’m already homeward bound, traveling by train and by boat.  It’ll only be a few more days before I’m back with my herd again.

Lyra reopens her saddlebags, pulling out a particular letter.

LYRA

“My Sweet Songbird...”

She can’t quite bring herself to read further right now.

LYRA

Out of everything I know about the Swap, I’m intimidated most by Rarity.  All her new familiarities, all that the Swap has bestowed her with!  By all accounts, Rarity now commands the elements as though she’s mastered them since girlhood, (her self-defeating compulsion to beautify the sky notwithstanding.)  All the new memories she has of herself AND US, both the false and the true.  Knowing that she’ll have such intimate knowledge of me, my habits, my strengths and weaknesses, and my body.  As with Twilight, she believes that she and I have been lovers for years.

She shakes her head.

LYRA

Even when you know all this well in advance, how do you begin to prepare yourself for something like that?

Question 2:Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Spike: So what happened behind those closed doors?

Swapped Spike, dressed in a button-down shirt, cargo pants, and shoes, sits on the couch beside Lero, naked as a bluejay.

SWAPPED SPIKE

You’re asking me?!  I don’t know and I don’t WANT to know.  It’s not like I was there!

Swapped Lero grins a smug and goofy grin.  He holds up his hands, waggling all ten figures.

SWAPPED LERO

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle...

Question 3:Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Twilight: How do you feel about having Lero and Spike swapped? Any luck in putting them right?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Oh, I dunno.  I’m going to assume you’re not a complete pervert when I ask you: how’d YOU feel if a sibling of YOURS were to suddenly start kissing you as if he or she had premarital sex with you for YEARS?  And your actual boyfriend started acting like you were both siblings with a huge age gap between you?

Letting out a distressed noise, Twilight moves into the family room.  There’s an a Daring Do audiobook playing on a cassette player.  Rarity, Spike, and Lero all seem to have fallen asleep listening to it.

AUDIOBOOK NARRATOR

...slowly, Daring crept up the...

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Want to know what keeps me going?  I look at where my life is now... and I’m often reminded of the LAST time my friends personalities were altered so completely.  By Discord.  And I take comfort knowing that in spite of everything else, my situation’s still ten times better now than THAT had been.  Why?

AUDIOBOOK NARRATOR

...Grabbing her machete just in the nick of time...

Twilight switches the cassette player off.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Because for as long as this problem’s gone on for, as confusing and maddening as the swaps are... when all’s said and done, two things HAVEN’T changed: they’re all still good people.  And we all still love each other.

She kisses the sleeping Spike, still dressed head to toe.

SWAPPED SPIKE

(smiling, not opening his eyes)

Love ya, Twi.

She kisses the sleeping Lero, cuddled up by Rarity.

SWAPPED LERO

(smiling, not opening his eyes)

I love you, Twilight.

She bends to kiss Rarity, but Rarity intercepts her, lifting her head and kissing her lips, half-opening her eyes to smile at Twilight, then returning to sleep.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

So I’m there for them every step of the way.  As for your second question?  It’s in the works.

She enters a side door.  There’s a sign on the doorknob that says, ‘KNOCK BEFORE ENTERING ON PAIN OF ELECTROCUTION.’

Question 4:WolfeTrax Asks:

Rarity: You look absolutely delici—, er, stunning! Yes, stunning in your Wonderbolts outfit! Knowing your desire to be a Wonderbolt, would you consider giving up your job as a weather pony if you were offered a position as Official Spokespony?

Warily, Rarity gazes at her cutie mark, expecting its disapproval.  Gradually, her face registers astonishment, then she smiles in delighted amazement.

RARITY

I... I... I don’t believe it!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Truth be told, I was prepared to say that I’m too deeply embedded in Weatherwork to ever be able to leave it, but after consulting my feelings... my feelings have told me that I am willing to make an exception for The Wonderbolts!  Oh, what a thrill!  The Wonderbolts!  Excuse me, I must go and write up a cover letter and update my resume at once!

She dashes out of the room, only to dash back.

RARITY

Though if I get hired, they probably won’t have me wearing that uniform as their Spokespony.  Sorry if that disappoints you.

Question 5:WolfeTrax Asks:

Dear Lyra:  Clearly you have a very special affinity for your beloved human, Lero. Would you ever consider bringing another human stallion into your herd?

LYRA

Only if this other human stallion gets along nicely with Lero.  If it doesn’t work for the herd, it doesn’t work for me.

Question 6:WolfeTrax Asks:

Dear Lyra: Is it true that you are always out of bubblegum? (extra points for getting the movie reference)

TRAIN ROBBER #1

GAAAAAH!!!!

Lyra twists a Train Robber’s wing at a devastating angle, chewing something between her teeth.

LYRA

From They Live, right?  Lero told me about that one.

Another Train Robber tries to sneak up on her from behind.  She bounces his body against the walls and floor with her magic.

TRAIN ROBBER #2

AIIIEE!!!

LYRA

As for your question, well... here’s how I see the matter.  If you go to a place with two express objectives: chewing bubblegum and kicking ass...

She spits out the gum wad in her mouth and opens her saddlebags, showing FIFTY packets of flavored bubblegum.

LYRA

Then it behooves you to prepare yourself to do plenty of both.

She pops a new one in her mouth as she KICKS a locked door open; attracting the attention of all the bad guys in that compartment of the train.

LYRA

Otherwise, the job’s just halfway done.

(chews, smiles)

Mmmm!  Watermelon!

Question 7:Zontargs Asks:

Dear Twilight, Lyra, and Lero if he has any info on the subject: The Elements of Harmony seem to be at the core of any plans to deal with existential threats to Equestria. Back when Celestia and Luna were taking down evil kings and the like, they had access to the powers of the Elements. Now that the Elements are tied to Twilight and her friends, do the princesses have some sort of contingency plan in case one or more of you six are somehow incapacitated?

Swapped Spike BELCHES out a scroll.

SWAPPED SPIKE

Uggh!  Don't know how I'm EVER gonna get USED to that.

He unfurls the scroll.

SWAPPED SPIKE

Oh boy!  She responded!

(clears throat)

“Dear Mr. Michealides,

You had expressed curiosity in what contingencies plans we had in play, should one or more of the Element Bearers be incapacitated during a state of emergency.  We actually have several thousand of them, in fact, and they’re all enlisted in Equestria’s royal army, navy, air force, and mage force.  But aside from even that; as the Goddess of the Sun,  I have the power to amalgamate the Sun’s rays together into a gigantic orbital death beam, and fire it upon any target of my choosing.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia.”

Swapped Spike frowns.

SWAPPED SPIKE

Wait, there’s more written in a different handwriting.  Ahem:

“And I, the Goddess of the Moon, have the power to cause huge tidal waves to crash upon any country or continent I deem unworthy.”

Sincerely,

Princess Luna

“And as the Goddess of Love, I have the power to instill all my enemies with overwhelming and unquenchable carnal lust for such things as piranha schools, hedgehogs, candirus, quicksand pits, leghold traps, and Uranium-238.

Sincerely,

Princess Cadence

P.S. ...Surprised to hear from me?

P.P.S. - But generally, the Elements of Harmony have always been our #1 go-to solution.  And we don’t want that to ever change.”

Question 8:HollywoodMarine Asks:

Swapped Dash,

The sand fleas and mosquitos are eating us alive out here at Camp Geiger and bug spray isn't working. Think you could come out here and get them to quit biting us?

Twilight Sparkle’s hot air balloon sets down at Camp Geiger.  Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Applejack all hop out.

RAINBOW DASH

So this is Camp Geiger, huh?  Looks...

EVERY SINGLE SAND FLEA AND MOSQUITO in a 20-mile radius swarms upon Dash at once.  Theirs is the same instantaneous hatred which the Infected in a Left 4 Dead game show surviving humans.  Even the ones who’re already busy drinking the blood of servicemen pounce upon Dash, until it looks like she’s transformed into a pegasus-shaped cloud of bloodsuckers!

RAINBOW DASH

AAAAAHHHH!!! GET ‘EM OFF!  GET ‘EM OFF!  THEY’RE IN MY MOUTH!!!

She flies away in a panic.

ALL THE SERVICEMEN

Thanks, Dash!

Question 9:HollywoodMarine Asks:

Swapped Fluttershy,

We've been having MREs every day for the past week. Me and the rest of the guys here at SOI would really appreciate it if you could come bake something for us. No matter how bad it is we'll eat it.

Sponge cakes.  Red velvet cakes, layer cakes, molten chocolate cakes, pineapple-upside down cakes, all this and more, Fluttershy serves to the guys at SOI, who all dig in happily.  Along with glasses of ice-cold milk to wash it down with.

FLUTTERSHY

I hope you like these!  They’re all from my bosses, the Cakes, who run a bakery!  I helped too.  I’ve actually been getting much better at baking!

(clears her throat)

Hey, stop me if you’ve heard this one!  Who can shave thirty times a day and still have a beard?

SERVICEMAN #1

(not missing a beat)

A barber.

FLUTTERSHY

(disappointed)

Oh... you HAVE heard that one.  Okay, how about this: what do you use to brush a bumblebee’s hair?

SERVICEMAN #2

A honeycomb.

An awkward silence follows.  She looks around the table, then picks up a rhubarb pie.

FLUTTERSHY

Who wants to see me smash this into my face?

Question 10:HollywoodMarine Asks:

Swapped Applejack, I just got promoted to corporal. Think you could sew on my new patches and put the blood stripe on my blues trousers? Also as best pony, how do you feel about a man in uniform?

Applejack is with Corporal Hollywood Marine, using her sewing machine to sew his new patches on, and put the blood stripe on his blue trousers.

APPLEJACK

Well, lemme tell yew, Corporal Marine, sir, up until this point in mah life, Ah’ve only seen one human.  Named Lero... Somethin’.  Know of him?

CORPORAL MARINE

Can’t say I do.

APPLEJACK

Mmm.  Anywho, the man wears clothes, but never uniforms like ya’ll got round here.

Applejack pauses in her sewing, blushing a little bit at Corporal Marine.

APPLEJACK

Ah... ah hope yew don’t take this the wrong way, sir, what with me bein’ a pony and yew bein’ human but... there’s jest no denying yew DO look mighty fine in yer uniform.  All-a-yew do.

CORPORAL MARINE

Hey, thanks.

APPLEJACK

The color scheme’s plenty nice enough, but as a sewing gal, what Ah most like is that it’s hardy, durable fabric for hardy, durable men.  We got soldiers down in Equestria, too.  Mah best friend’s brother used to be Captain of the Guard for our princess.

CORPORAL MARINE

What happened to him?

APPLEJACK

Married a different princess, and now rules by her side over an empire up north.

CORPORAL MARINE

(laughs a bit)

I should be so lucky!

APPLEJACK

Ah respect what yew do here, Ah really do.  Yer a fighter.  So’m Ah... don’t let the sewing machine fool ya!  It’s the fighters who keep the world from enslavement!  From fallin’ to parasites!  It’s the fighters who stop the world from being thrown inta Chaos, and keep the Sun rising ev’ry morning!

Corporal Marine laughs, and Applejack blushes again.

APPLEJACK

Best git off mah soapbox, Ah guess.

She’s done with her sewing.  She shows it off to Corporal Marine.  He nods in approval: the stitching on both his patches and his blood stripe are FLAWLESS.

CORPORAL MARINE

Whoa... THANK you!  This looks GREAT!

APPLEJACK

(eager, wistful hope)

Yah... yah’ll REALLY think so?  Ah sewed it RIGHT?

CORPORAL MARINE

Well, maybe ONE little thing to fix.  Mind un-sewing your hat from the seat of my pants?

APPLEJACK

Huh?!

MIKE TEAVEE

Hello, everyone.  I'd like to give a special shout-out to Corporal Hollywood Marine, a fellow Xenophilia author.  Hollywood Marine COULD be doing what I'm doing: writing his Xenophilia fic in the peace and comfort of his own home.  Instead, he's chosen a nobler path: putting his life at risk in the name of defending Americans across the globe.  For that, I salute him.  Please give his story, From The Skies We Shall Reign, a look, and give him your best brony wishes.

Stay frosty, Corporal.  I'm rooting for you.

Round Five: A Greedyguts Eats All Your Cake

Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Five:  A Greedyguts Eats All Your Cake

Spoilers Up To Chapter 12

Question 1:Genesis1212 Asks:

Dear Aloe and Lotus;

Now that Lero has effectively quite his job who is gonna take up the many reservations he had? Do you think many of the customers asking for Leros magical fingers simply ask elsewhere until he returns?

ALOE

Vell, the gut news is that ve now have replacement!  For the discriminating customer who prefers digits to hooves... an alternative to hooman fingers.  Please velcome...

Aloe redirects our attention to a new face.

ALOE

Gerhard the griffin!

GERHARD

Hello.

Gerhard is filing his talons to a razor sharpness.  He flexes his fingers as though getting ready to massage you.  The light reflects off the pinprick points of his claw-tips.

Question 2:SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Octavia and Vinyl Scratch,

Think you might dress up as each other for next Nightmare Night? This has nothing to do with anything going on currently, just a random thought.

It’s Nightmare Night, and Octavia and Vinyl Scratch are going trick-or-treating in full-body costumes of each other that might as well have been designed by Jhonen Vasquez.

VINYL SCRATCH

Hey, Mr. Stride, this what you meant?

OCTAVIA

This costume makes me look like you’re eating my head.

Question 3:AnonymousCoward Asks:

Dear Discord:

A grumpypants puts a knife to Fluttershy’s throat.  How do you save the day?

Grumpypants the unicorn has Fluttershy pinned against the wall, held at knifepoint.

GRUMPYPANTS

Yeah, you wanna know what’ll be REALLY funny, Lil’ Miss Joker?!  YOUR BLOOD POOLED ALL OVER THE FLOOR!

FLUTTERSHY

W-wait!  Give me one more shot!  H-have you heard the one about the... uh... about the...!

Then Discord pops in, wearing an actual superhero costume.  An actual pair of tighty-whiteys are over his spandex pants.  His cape flaps behind him heroically.

DISCORD

...About the nutcase who’s two seconds from wishing he’d never been born?  That one ALWAYS cracks me, up!

FLUTTERSHY

(Oh, my Hero!)

Discord!  You CAME!

GRUMPYPANTS

(wheels around on him, readying his knife)

You!  Yeah, come on closer, Mix-and-Match! I’ve always wanted to see what color your blood...!

Discord snaps his fingers.  Grumpypants turns into a purple gum ball, while his knife turns into a red toy balloon.

Discord pops the gum ball into his mouth and chews it up into a soggy wet wad.  Then he takes the wad of gum out of his mouth.

He sticks its onto the balloon’s string, holding it there until it’s REALLY stuck fast.

Then he brings the balloon over to the room’s open window, and releases it into the air.  It floats high, high, HIGH into the sky and is picked up by the wind.  Destination: Unknown.

FLUTTERSHY

Um... Discord?  That chewed-up wad of gum... is he still alive?

DISCORD

You’d better believe he is!

FLUTTERSHY

Oh dear.

Question 4:SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Spike,

With Rarity's magic redirected toward meteorology and Applejack maniacally obsessed with making terrible clothing, is Ponyville starting to experience some degree of a gem shortage? The generous gem-finder isn't out there bringing more back all the time now, and I expect you haven't lost your interest in eating them. Maybe the town's not running short, but there are fewer of them than there used to be, aren't there?

SPIKE

AAAHH!!!  SHE’S INSATIABLE!  NO JEWEL IS SAFE!!!  THE WORLD WILL SOON BE COMPLETELY GEMLESS ALL BECAUSE OF APPLEJACK!  I’LL HAVE TO ACTUALLY BUY ALL HER DRESSES JUST TO HAVE MY GEM FIX!!!!

Then he snickers and laughs.

SPIKE

HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!   Gotcha!

(takes a breath)

But in all seriousness, dude, it’s nice of you to worry, but there’s no cause for concern.  There’s no more danger of a gem shortage because of Applejack’s dressmaking, than there is of an ink shortage from all Twilight’s checklist-writing.

His head tilts in thought.

SPIKE

I know this for a fact: Applejack produces twice as many dresses as Rarity did.  But only because the Swap’s made her completely obsessive, poor girl... and anyway, quality over quantity, even if she knew what she was doing!  But we’re getting off the subject of sweet, sweet gems.

He sighs with a smile.

SPIKE

Well, if you got the bits, there’s always store-bought gems.  But also, please remember that Twilight knows the gem-finding spell herself.  If I’m really good and hardworking, Twilight’s not too busy, she’ll go out with me, and she’ll use her spell to find gems, so I’m always able to restock!

Question 5:AnonymousCoward Asks:

Dear Celestia,

A greedyguts eats all your cake. How do you respond?

PRINCESS CELESTIA

(sharply)

ALL my cake?!  ALL OF IT?!

For a second, we see a photograph of Greedyguts, alone on the surface of the moon.  Then a telekinetically-controlled pair of floating scissors snaps this photo in two, and we’re looking at Celestia again.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

Just kidding, just kidding!  Like I’d ever actually play into THAT trumped-up, worn-out old cliché of me!

Her customary serenity reasserts itself.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

In actuality, I’d just give the greedyguts a sad, sad look, and never invite him back to my castle.  Or have him tried and convicted for the felony of Cake Theft.  It’d all depend on the situational context.

Question 6:EpsilonWinter Asks:

Dear Discord:

Considering how much you seem to like Lero, have you considered bringing in some other humans?

DISCORD

From Earth, you mean?  Well, sometimes I do.  But then right afterwards, I also consider how word of other humans would eventually get back to Celestia, and she’d demand that I return the poor abducted dears back to their home world.

Discord turns himself into a basketball and bounces himself around the room.

DISCORD

Wanna know the funny thing?  If I’d been reformed at an earlier point in time, I’d’ve been able to snap my fingers and send Lero back home to Earth just like THAT, practically the moment he’d landed in Equestria!

He dunks himself into the basketball’s basket, and the room blows up.

DISCORD

But of course, by the time Fluttershy showed me the light, our dear Mr. Michaelides had already gone native, fell in love with two of Equestria’s greatest heroes... including Celestia’s own precious student... so he’s pretty much here to stay!

But then he smiles slyly.

DISCORD

One alternative I’m considering, though: if they won’t let me SNATCH humans from Earth... maybe I could MAKE humans of my own!  Natural-born Equestrian Humans!  Just as easily as THAT!

He snaps his fingers, and two human mannequins -- male and female -- appear.

DISCORD

Oh, don’t worry, I’d give my creations sapience and intelligence and free will and morality... they’d be every bit as human as Lero is!

He summons Pink Palette's pamphlet, chuckling as he leafs through its pages.

DISCORD

Not to mention that our Mr. Michaelides has inspired an entire subgroup of SPECIAL fans.  I’m sure THEY’D welcome more humans with open arms!

But then he sighs, snaps his fingers, and everything vanishes.

DISCORD

But that’s ultimately an idea for later... if I ever do follow through with it at all.  Right now, the Swap is ENOUGH busywork to be getting by with.

Question 7:LightingAce Asks:

Dear Lero,

Have any of your herdmates ever gone to your job and ordered a ‘special’ massage?

MIKE TEAVEE

I invoke my godlike Author Powers to rewind the clock back, back, BACK, to a point in time when Lero still had a job!

Shazam!  It happens.  We see Lero sensually massaging Twilight’s back... upon their bedroom’s bed.  Seductive music is playing.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well, Aloe and Lotus’ spa... mmmm, yeah... it’s a nice enough atmosphere.  And the... uunnnhh!! ... spa waters are terrific to soak in.  And I love the incense they use.  But as for... oooooh... as for the massages... aahh, Lero, stop for a second.

Lero does.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(half-lidded smile)

I’ll put it to you this way; why buy milk when the cow’s already yours?

Question 8:Jet Howitzer Asks:

I have a question, but I don't quite know who to ask.  I suppose it could be handled by Twilight, or Lero... It has to do with the swapping of personas to go with cutie marks.  Fluttershy is, as her name indicates, incredibly shy.  I am curious as to where this has gone with her swapped cutie mark.  Surely it's such a large part of who she is that the magic can't make it gone entirely, right?

LERO

(to Twilight Sparkle)

I’ll handle this one, sweetie.

Then Lero turns to Jet Howitzer.

LERO

Well, Jet, to answer that question, let me draw a comparison between Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie.

(takes a breath)

As far as I’m able to tell... Fluttershy’s shyness is in the exact same place that Pinkie Pie’s cheerfulness originally was: VERY DEEPLY BURIED IN HER PSYCHE.

Lero shows a photograph, Apple Bloom and Pinkie Pie working in the apple orchard while laughing together.

LERO

Now, to her credit, a LOT of Pinkie’s good humor... in BOTH senses of that phrase... has reasserted itself, even since she found proper equilibrium.

He puts the photo away.

LERO

Maybe if we manage to...

(corrects himself)

...WHEN we DEFINITELY find Fluttershy’s equilibrium, the same sort of thing will happen to her.  Maybe she’ll become a more diffident sort of comedian.  Sadly, I haven’t gotten around to her yet.

He sighs.

LERO

Right now, so much of Fluttershy’s true personality has been subjugated by that Balloon Mark.  Based on how it’s making her act... the Balloon Mark just won’t accept Flutershy quietly jotting her jokes down in a journal or something.  For Fluttershy to be even a SHADOW of what Pinkie Pie used to be, she has to be a complete extrovert.  No room for shyness.

Question 9:Jet Howitzer Asks:

Also, what about events that couldn't have happened anymore?  Like the episode with Photo Finish?  Surely a laughter-oriented Fluttershy wouldn't be opposed to the potential publicity that would come from such events.  Or, in order to keep the elements in their respective roles, was it actually Dash who was the supermodel-esque figure?  And, if the latter is the case, has the entire society had their views on attractiveness altered?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

To answer that question, I’ve given a copy of this picture...

She opens an old glamour magazine to one of Photo Finish’s pictures of Fluttershy, during her modeling days.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

...To this artist here...

Twilight nods towards an Artist painting a picture at an easel.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

...And commissioned her to paint me a color copy of it.

ARTIST

Done!  Take a look!

Twilight comes over.  The magazine picture of Fluttershy is propped up on a smaller stand for the Artist’s reference.  Next to it, the larger painted portrait shows... Rainbow Dash.  Wearing the exact same outfit.  The exact same makeup.  The exact same meek facial expression.  The exact same timid tilt to her body.

Only Dash’s shorter rainbow mane remains truly different from Fluttershy’s, but even that has been finely, elegantly stylized, (at least in its own unique way.)

Twilight needs a few seconds to accept the mad discrepancy of it all.

TWILIGHT SPRKLE

W...well!  It’s... TRULY beautiful!

ARTIST

I did what you said!  I copied exactly what I saw with my naked eyes!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Thank you very much for a job well done.

She pays the Artist.

ARTIST

You know... I REMEMBER this girl!  She was just a flash in the pan, but she was a BIG flash!  Remember that brief little fad, where everypony was dyeing their mane rainbow-colored?!

Twilight laughs and nods at her.

ARTIST

Well, see you!

The Artist exits Twilight’s house, leaving Twilight alone with the portrait of Dash.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(speaking wistfully to the portrait)

Oh, Dash... the Old Rarity would’ve given up gems for a year to see you model like this.  Especially for her.  And the Old You would’ve clipped your wings before agreeing to it.

(laughs sadly)

Still, I think you’d have absolutely LOVED to’ve seen everypony with rainbow mane like yours.  It would’ve been Heaven for you.

(brief pause)

I miss you so much.

She studies the portrait.  Rainbow Dash DOES look VERY ravishing, all dressed to the nines like this.  Twilight licks her lips quickly before any drool can escape.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Why oh WHY did you have to be bent?

Sighing, she picks up the portrait with telekinesis.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well, time to go put this with everything else we’re hiding from Rarity.

Question 10:Jet Howitzer Asks:

Dear Mike Teavee:

Just from one author to another, about how long do you write in a single sitting?  Do you just sit and write an entire chapter in one go, or is it broken up into many sittings?  I'm just curious because I like to get a comparison between myself and other authors whom I like.

MIKE TEAVEE

When I first began writing Divided Rainbow, I used to be able to write a chapter in a day, because the chapters, themselves were so much smaller.  Now I do break it up into many sittings, but I’m always adding SOMETHING to it, every day.  I usually end up writing at least five pages, even when I set out to restrict myself to just one.

Round Six: I Believe That The Heart Does Go On

Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Six:  I Believe That The Heart Does Go On

Spoilers Up To Chapter 13

Question 1:SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Lero and Twilight,

Inspired by that... unusual outfit, would it be possible for Twilight to retrieve specific memories from Lero's mind (with his consent, mind you) and display them as illusions? Lero's got a wealth of movies, TV shows, and other media locked away in his memory, and with some magical assistance it might be possible to recall them (or at least some of them) in sufficient detail to display.

EXT.  TITANIC - DAY

TITANIC STEAMS TOWARD US, in the dusk light, as if lit by the embers of a giant fire. As the ship looms, FILLING FRAME, we push in on the bow. Jack is there, right at the apex of the bow railing, his favorite spot. He closes his eyes, letting the chill wind clear his head.

ROSE

Hello, Jack.

He turns and she is standing there.

ROSE

I changed my mind.

He smiles at her, his eyes drinking her in. Her cheeks are red with the chill wind, and her eyes sparkle. Her hair blows wildly about her face.

ROSE

They said you might be up here...

JACK

Sssshh.  Give me your hand.

She offers him her hand, drawing forward.  As though they are about to kiss.

JACK

Now close your eyes.  Go on.

She does, and he turns her to face forward, the way the ship is going. He leads her gently to the rail, standing right behind her.

JACK

Now step up... and hold onto the railing.  Keep your eyes closed, don’t peek.

ROSE

I’m not!

JACK

Step up onto the rail.

She steps onto the lowermost curve of the bow's steel railing, and he joins her.

JACK

Hold on... hold on!  Keep your eyes closed!

Rose lets out a small nervous laugh.

JACK

Do you trust me?

ROSE

I trust you.

Then he takes her two hands and raises them until she is standing with her arms outstretched on each side. Rose is going along with him. When he lowers his hands, her arms stay up... like wings.

JACK

(whispering in her ear)

Alright.  Open your eyes.

Rose gasps. There is nothing in her field of vision but water. It's like there is no ship under them at all, just the two of them soaring. The Atlantic unrolls toward her, a hammered copper shield under a dusk sky.  There is only the wind, and the hiss of the water 50 feel below.

ROSE

I'm flying!

She leans forward, arching her back. He puts his hands on her waist to steady her.

INT.  MOVIE THEATER - DAY

Then our view PANS BACK, seeing that James Cameron’s Titanic is being played in one of the big-screen theater rooms of a cinema.  The seats are absolutely PACKED full of mares.

Never mind that Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio are an alien species: the mares are all ENTRANCED by the magic of this moment.  Even the pegasus mares, (who can appreciate what actual flying feels like,) have their wings outstretched as though catching the movie’s wind on their own feathers.

But then we pan further back.

INT.  PROJECTION ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Where normally there would be a film projector... there is Lero.  Strapped, like a death row criminal, to a device with an uncomfortably keen resemblance to an electric chair... except that the helmet that’s suctioned and wired to his head comes with a headlamp, (like a miner’s helmet) that projects Titanic onto the big screen, directly from Lero’s brain.

Lero is NOT VERY HAPPY.

LERO

(growled under his breath)

Three hours... three BUCKIN’ hours... why, Cameron?  WHY?!?!

Spike and Twilight are with him in this room; Spike counting out a LARGE pile of bits.

SPIKE

Hey, what’re you complaining about?  We’re making a KILLING, here!  The mares're all eating this up like chocolate!  The hippologists have all been wetting themselves for a chance to have a look at your human home world!  And we've even been offered a movie deal to remake this same flick with a pony cast!

LERO

Twilight, PROMISE me you’ll redesign this torture machine of yours, somehow, as soon as the show ends!  Something that can copy my memories of movies directly onto a film reel or something!

(beat of silence)

Twilight...?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(enraptured)

I’m flying!  I’m FLYING, Jack!

Question 2:EpsilonWinterAsks:

Dear Discord:  I understand that there are other entities in Equestria that may have an interest in dear Lero and Company, how have relations with them gone thus far?

Discord is watching a team of pineapples play a game of soccer against a team of cauliflower.  They're really going at it!  Then the Mother Of Equestria happens by.

DISCORD

Oh, hey there, Big Mama!

MOTHER OF EQUESTRIA

Hey, yourself, Discord.

She sits down next to Discord.

DISCORD

Been keeping up with the Marvelous Misadventures of Mr. Michaelides?

MOTHER OF EQUESTRIA

You bet I am!  Quite a resourceful little guy Lero is... coming up with that whole ‘equilibrium’ thing!

DISCORD

Yeah!  What a twist, eh?  And he came up with the idea all on his own!  He’s not one of those heroes you read about who needs the answers spoon-fed to him from some white-haired elder or an old book!

MOTHER OF EQUESTRIA

Was that a jab at Twilight Sparkle?

DISCORD

 So what if it is?

MOTHER OF EQUESTRIA

Been meaning to ask... when all the animals turned on Rainbow Dash... was that YOUR doing?

DISCORD

Nope!  Angel Bunny’s.

MOTHER OF EQUESTRIA

And that glufferflork that hurt Big Macintosh?

DISCORD

(annoyed huff)

Give a stallion a dog’s brain ONE TIME and everyone thinks you have it out for him!  Honestly!  Why can’t a powerful forest predator decide to attack defenseless domesticated prey without there being some grandiose cosmic conspiracy behind it?

MOTHER OF EQUESTRIA

So... who do you ship?

DISCORD

 Oh, you know me.  I’m a strict Lerity guy.  For Lero, it’d be the ULTIMATE form of embracing-the-chaos, especially if they marry.  Plus, you KNOW she'll treat him right.  You?

MOTHER OF EQUESTRIA

Dashero, all the way.

DISCORD

You sure?  The way I see it, Rarity’s growing on Lero more and more with each passing day!  As for Rainbow Dash... well, unrequited love does not a relationship make.

MOTHER OF EQUESTRIA

True love conquers all!  He’ll get through to her.  Even her Swapped persona has come to appreciate Lero’s being there for her!

DISCORD

We’ll have to wait and see what happens.

MOTHER OF EQUESTRIA

Indeed.

She checks her watch and stands up.

MOTHER OF EQUESTRIA

I’d better get going.  See you around, then!

DISCORD

You too!

She leaves and he resumes watching the game, cheering on the pineapples as they score a goal.

Question 3:SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Lyra:

How big is the difference between 'master' and 'grandmaster' in pony martial arts?

LYRA

For a follower of the Still Way to qualify for Grandmaster eligibility, she must first become a Master.   From there, she has a number of options.  For instance, if you train 10 fellow masters as a sensei, you’re eligible to become a Grandmaster.  Or if you personally train 100 novices and elevate them to the rank of Master, that works too.  There are other options, besides, such as being on record for besting a certain number of dangerous lawbreakers, then getting them to swear off crime for good, vanquishing a certain number of hellspawn demons, or personally averting Armageddon at least once.

She shrugs.

LYRA

Essentially, you have to do something REALLY impressive to even be eligible for Grandmaster status.  And if they’re sufficiently impressed... THEN you’re sent a special letter, instructing you to journey forth to the Secret Proving Grounds.   Which I don’t know the location of... nor do I know EXACTLY what transpires there.  So please don’t ask.

Question 4:SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Lyra,

If you and Rainbow Dash wanted to have a practice bout with even odds, what sort of limitations would have to be in play?

LYRA

Just one: No lethal techniques.

(beat)

To an outsider, that might seem more than a little unsportsmarelike... perhaps downright barbaric.  But both Dash and I are martial arts masters.  Pegasus or unicorn... you don’t maintain a master’s level of martial arts prowess by shackling yourself with the rules of ‘fair play.’

Her look turns grave.

LYRA

After all, we’re not in this to win some tournament.  We need to keep our skills honed to protect others and ourselves.  To come out alive against assassins, thugs, vicious creatures, changeling hordes, and WORSE.

Then she hangs her head.

LYRA

I’ve missed sparring with Dash.  Have BEEN missing it LONG before this Swap thing upset our lives.  Now... I suppose I’ll simply have to wait and see whether all of Dash’s martial arts knowledge has stayed with her or transferred over to...

Lyra gives a edgy TREMBLE.

LYRA

...Rarity.

Question 5:SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

If you could find a way to use Starswirl's spell for offensive purposes, would you? For example, if you could have used it to make Sombra think he was an oppressed Crystal Pony and some other random Crystal Pony think she was the risen conqueror of the Crystal Empire... and therefore made everything much easier since that other pony wouldn't have had Sombra's powers to do anything with... would the reduction in risk to every other pony be sufficient to get you to voluntarily mess with other ponies' minds like that?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Never in the way YOU’RE suggesting I use it!  The very IDEA of transforming the heart of some poor oppressed citizen into that of an evildoer... even an INEFFECTUAL evildoer!  Especially one of King Sombra’s caliber!  Think of how much you’d be hurting her AND her FAMILY!

Then a sly look forms on her face.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

...Which isn’t to say I wouldn’t weaponize Starswirl’s unfinished spell in a DIFFERENT way!  If I were to, say, swap Sombra out with whatever minion of his Evil Army had the lowest IQ, or the  most disastrous personality flaw... THAT I’d do!  After all, THAT minion would ALREADY be evil!

Her sly grin grows.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Or better still... Swap him with a goldfish!  Or a snail!  Or a squirrel or a beaver!  THEN we’d be getting somewhere!

Question 6:Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Big Macintosh:

Any mares catch your eye? Possibly Fluttershy or maybe Rainbow Dash?

Big Macintosh is in his hospital bed with Lero, who is visiting, sitting in the visitor’s chair by his side.

BIG MACINTOSH

Well, Ah HAVE been keepin’ an eye out on the lady-folks more than Ah used to.  Mah buddy Lero, here, has actually been coachin’ me.  As he, himself, said, “If Ah can git three mares, and Ah’m human, what’s stoppin’ yew?”

Mac and Lero smile at each other proudly: teacher and student.

BIG MACINTOSH

Fluttershy and Dash’d both be good herdmates, if they end up likin’ me.  Ah’ve always remembered how kind Miz Dash was ta ponies and critters alike.  Reckon she’d like Winona a lot.

Lero gives the stallion a slightly dark look by the suggestion of Mac hooking up with Dash, but ultimately just lets it go.

BIG MACINTOSH

As for Shy... other ponies look at her playfulness and think she ain’t nothin’ but a big filly, when that ain’t true at all.  She’s lovin’.  Serious when she wants ta be.  Hardworkin’ girl, too.

Lero unwraps a grilled cheese sandwich he’d bought earlier and starts to eat it.

BIG MACINTOSH

But the one Ah’m sweetest on, right now, is Miz Applejack.

Hrrk!  Lero swallows a bite of his sandwich wrong; it’s clearly gone gone the wrong pipe.

BIG MACINTOSH

Yeah!  Fancy dressmaker like her gettin’ sweet on a farm boy like me... surprised me too!

Lero gags loudly, but Big Mac’s too swept up with thoughts of Applejack to pay notice.

BIG MACINTOSH

What happened was that mah li’l sister and Miz AJ’s li’l sister was playin’ Crusaders with that third friend a’theirs.  AJ came by ta pick her sister up and she just suddenly... was lookin’ all over all the farmland like she’d stepped into a fairyland.  Ah offered ta show ‘er round the place.  Yew mighta thought that AJ woulda been too prissy ‘n’ high-ended ta wanna muddy her hooves at a place like Sweet Apple Acres, but she fell in love with the place!  Going practically from tree ta tree like a filly at a pettin’ zoo!  Wantin' to know about ALL of them!

Falling to his knees, Lero gags some more, unseen by his friend.

BIG MACINTOSH

Ah can’t rightly explain it... what made her so different from every other gal... but fer once, Ah had absolutely no trouble talkin’ ta her!  Openin’ up ta her was so easy!  Like we’d known each other all our lives!  Or rather... it felt like we’d known each other in a PREVIOUS life!   Like... whaddaya call it... reincarnation!  Like we was husband and wife in our old life together, and we really, really loved each other!  That’s exactly how it felt fer me!

Mac takes in a deep, happy breath.

BIG MACINTOSH

Ah actually told her this, and she said she felt the same way towards me!  Then the hours jest melted away as we toured the farm, and kept watch over our sisters, lettin’ ‘em keep playing... and we just stole so many kisses... Ah remember us putting our arms ‘round each other as we kissed... mighty forward a’ her, but Ah didn’t complain, no sir!

Lero’s face is turning an alarming shade of greenish-blue.

BIG MACINTOSH

Don’t worry, it didn’t go beyond that!  Not with our kid sisters there and it being our first date, ‘n’ all!

Mac chuckles, but then his mood turns forlorn.

BIG MACINTOSH

But the very same night where that all happened, Ah met up with a certain Flork... and he did THIS ta me.  What’s more, mah sister Pinkie’s been telling me AJ’s gotten REALLY caught up in her work recently!  Must have LOTS of customers, no doubt!

(grins)

But Ah’m hoping ta rekindle the embers once Ah’m cured!  Even if it takes me a while...

Lero finally figures out a way to save his life: jams his abdomen sharply against the rim of the chair.  He SPITS out the chewed-up bite of sandwich.

He’s about to say words to Mac, but the human stops short at the sudden thousand-yard stare on the stallion’s face.

BIG MACINTOSH

(lonely, faraway voice)

Ah... jest want ta bring Applejack back home...

LERO

Mac...

BIG MACINTOSH

(brightly, fully Bewitched again)

...Back ta inner-duce her ta mah Granny!  Ah gotta feelin’ they’d get along peachy together!

LERO

(low, soft growl)

Starswirl, you sick, sick, sick, SICK bastard...

Question 7:SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Rainbow Dash,

Does your family have a naming pattern like the Apples?

RAINBOW DASH

Kinda.  I do have a number of similarly-named aunts on my mom’s side.  Like, for example, there’s my Aunt Flutterjoy... writes a lot of life-affirming poetry.  My Aunt Fluttercry... she lives by herself, works at one of those bars where lots of unhappy ponies with rotten lives go to drink.  She remembers ALL the stories they tell her.  Poor Aunt Cry has struggled with depression since her early twenties.  Also, my Aunt Fluttersly.  Black sheep of the family.  Cheats at cards.  Still running from the law for bank fraud, last I heard.  And also, there’s another aunt, heads a number of charities.  Aunt Fluttermunificence.

Rainbow Dash smiles.

RAINBOW DASH

Mom said she wanted to continue the tradition with me, but...

She flips her mane.

RAINBOW DASH

I can only guess the color of my mane changed her mind.

Question 8:Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Bonbon,

How have you been taking Lyra joining a herd? Did you ever consider joining Lero's herd to be with her, or was it not like that?

BONBON

(a little wryly)

I’ve been ‘taking’ it well.

(normal tone of voice)

Ponies ALWAYS think we're old lovers. The truth is, I’m happy for her; as much as any candy-maker can be for her philosophizing, harp-playing, martial artist friend.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m as straight as the next girl, but Lyra and I... we’ve always been purely platonic pals.

Bonbon picks up a picture of her and Lyra, flying kites together.

BONBON

That’s actually part of the reason why I roomed with her, early on!  I’ve never wanted the mare I was dating to be the mare I was rooming with... at least, not ‘til we’re REALLY SERIOUS.  After all, what if the relationship blows up violently in your face?!  Take it from me: there’s NOTHING worse than an ex-girlfriend.  Except LIVING in the same house with one.

Bonbon shudders.

BONBON

And Lyra and I... I’d like to think we’ll always be friends... but NEVER soulmates.  That’s just the way we both like it.

She puts the picture down.

BONBON

As for the rest of her herdmates... she’s blessed to have them all.  I can tell they all love each other.  I respect all of them as people and friends, but Lyra can keep them all for herself.  None of them are my type.  Not the overpowered bookworm.  Not the human Lyra fell for, or Lyra, herself.  And certainly not that BARONESS of a weathermare.

Then she smiles.

BONBON

That snarky dragon kid, though... wouldn’t mind adopting him as a stepson or something!

Question 9:Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Bonbon

How have things been for you in Ponyville since Lyra left for her trip?

BONBON

I do miss her.  She’s been on that sabbatical thing for months now.  But life goes on.  Candy to sell, bills to pay.  The daily grind.  There's good money in sweets, so I focus mostly on that.  Every so often, though, I’ll write Lyra a letter, and Spike’s been nice about letting me use him to send it to her instantly.  It’s always neat reading her letters when they come back!  I remember the last letter Lyra sent, she asked me to write out a list of the names of all her herdmates and send it to her.  Damn weird, but I did as she asked: Twilight Sparkle, Lero, Spike, and Rarity, and I gave that list to Spike.  ...Haven’t heard back from Lyra since.

Question 10:SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Applejack,

Have you ever thought about changing the first part of your name to 'Candle' and abducting anyone who

Ap... sorry... CANDLEjack has Spinel Stride tied up in her magical, floating length of rope.

CANDLEJACK

(villainous laugh)

Looks like Ah went and took yer advice, Mister!  How d’ya like me now?!

LIGHTINGACE

Hey, Spinel!  Why’re you hanging on that rope like a balloon on a string?  Can I do it too?  It looks fun!

SPINELSTRIDE

I wouldn’t advise it, but yeah, you could!  All you need to do is say Candlejack’s name!

LIGHTINGACE

Candlejack?

ZONTARGS

Is this the same Candlejack from that one Freakazoid episode?

GENESIS1212

I can't believe how OLD that Candlejack episode is!

EPSILONWINTER

Who cares?  Candlejack will never die!  He's THAT funny!

JET HOWITZER

Yeah!  Candlejack’s the best thing to come out of that show!

Candlejack faces the readers with an incredulous smile.

CANDLEJACK

Ah’m-a-gonna need more rope!

Round Seven: Equestria's Most Riveting Dentist

Round Seven: Equestria's Most Riveting Dentist

Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Seven:  Equestria's Most Riveting Dentist

Spoilers Up To Chapter 14

Question 1:SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Starswirl The Bearded,

Did your spell have to be so vicious to its victims, or is it just that in this timeline Twilight has assistance so the degree of difficulty scales up with the number of people trying to solve it?

Princess Celestia stands in front of an ancient oil portrait of Starswirl himself.  She turns towards the readers.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

Speaking on behalf of Starswirl... who is, of course, no longer among us... I can assure you the number of individuals attempting to remedy a Swap has no bearing on the degree of difficulty that Swap presents for all parties concerned.

Question 2:Boss Hoss Asks:

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

With all these really messed up side effects from pretty much EVERY Starswirl spell you have tried on-camera, has this affected your views on the Father of Modern Magic at all?

Twilight kisses a wooden bust of Starswirl fondly on his forehead.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Not in the slightest!  My failures with his spells only go to show that I have higher mountains to climb, academically and magically.

Lero opens the door, holding a painting.

LERO

Hey, Twilight!  Check it out!  I found this artist pony and commissioned her to draw a picture for me!

Lero shows Twilight a magnificent color illustration of himself as a vampire hunter, vengefully hammering a stake through the heart of Starswirl the Bearded Vampire: a snarling, saber-toothed, throughly monstrous entity, with fresh blood dripping from his fangs.

LERO

Ain’t it BEAUTIFUL?

Question 3:Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Cutie Mark Crusaders,

Can you tell us how you see your sisters or idols and how that has affected you?

APPLE BLOOM

Oh, Ah absolutely LOVE mah sister!  Fer all mah life, Pinkie Pie’s been one of the strongest, nicest, most dependable ponies out there!  Whatever Ah end up gettin’ mah cutie mark in, Ah can only hope Ah’m just as good as it as Pinkie Pie is with apples!

Apple Bloom looks away briefly before looking back.

APPLE BLOOM

Ah have a feelin’ yer gonna want me to bring up those small couple a’ weeks where Pinkie weren’t right in the head.  Worst Ah’ve seen her.  Still ain’t QUITE fully recovered... still SO MUCH she’s gotta relearn... where’d it all disappear ta...?

Then she brightens.

APPLE BLOOM

But she’s back ta bein’ sweet as a Red Delicious!  She’s hardworkin’ in the RIGHT way!  And best a’ all... AH GET TA BE BIG SISTER WITH HER!

She begins hopping around in a merry circle.

SWEETIE BELLE

(tentatively)

Hey, Apple Bloom?  Do you think your big sister...

APPLE BLOOM

(happily correcting her)

LITTLE sister!  Pinkie’s been demoted ta LITTLE sister, ‘til she shapes back up!

SWEETIE BELLE

Do you think your OLDER sister might have a talk with MY older sister?  It’s just... Applejack’s been kinda gettin’ short-fused with my OWN family!

Apple Bloom STOPS hopping around.

APPLE BLOOM

She is?

SWEETIE BELLE

(sadly, worriedly)

Yeah, she is.  Applejack’s starting to get the same way Pinkie USED to be.  Oh, she’s still sweet as sugar to all the customers who still BUY from her but lately... she’s been frustrated, and sometimes she’ll...

Sweetie hangs her head.

SWEETIE BELLE

...Lash out at Mom and Dad and me.

APPLE BLOOM

(deeply troubled)

Ah... Ah WILL talk with Pinkie ‘bout this.  We’ll all put our heads together.  See what we can do.

SWEETIE BELLE

(relieved)

Thank you SO MUCH, Apple Bloom!  I don’t know what else to do!

SCOOTALOO

(turns towards audience)

Since I don’t have a sister, let me tell you about the pony I look up to above all other ponies... LIGHTNING DUST!

Scootaloo holds up a picture of Lightning Dust.

SCOOTALOO

She’s brash, she’s strong, she’s the FASTEST, COOLEST FLIER that I’ve EVER SEEN!  Believe it or not, I actually got to MEET her!  Yeah!  The real Lightning Dust came to Ponyville, just the other day!  I told Lightning how awesome she was, and how cool it was she was a gonna be a Wonderbolt!  And she gave me this super-cocky, super-COOL smile, and she said, ‘Oh, you like fast, kid?  Then you watch how fast I’m gonna leave you eating my dust!’  Then she sped off into the sky, and I WAS eating her dust!  A whole mouthful of the stuff, and it just flew right in my throat!

Her friends look at Scootaloo with shock and sadness.  But Scootaloo just says;

SCOOTALOO

It’s a real shame there ain’t ANYONE even REMOTELY cool as THAT livin' in Ponyville!  But since she's the best there is, I’m just going to do everything I can to to make myself cool just like Lightning Dust is!

Question 4:Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Cutie Mark Crusaders,

Now that Apple Bloom has to be Pinkie Pie's 'big sister' until Pinkie can get herself together, there's got to be a lot less time for the three of you do to free-form crusading together. Are you all helping out on the farm together, or does Apple Bloom really have to concentrate on helping Pinkie?

SCOOTALOO

Well... it’s not EVERY day that we help Apple Bloom and Pinkie out on their farm.  That’d... kinda get work-y and job-y after a while.  And I’m far too young for that!

SWEETIE BELLE

We DO help SOMETIMES, though, since Apple Bloom’s our friend and all.  And Pinkie too.  There’s always the chance that we’d get our cutie marks on fence-mending or barn-cleaning or something like that.

SCOOTALOO

Though me and Sweetie do have to go crusading as a dynamic duo a lot more often than we used to.

SWEETIE BELLE

But it’s always nicer when we get to be a terrific trio, instead.

APPLE BLOOM

Yew said it, Sweetie!

(turns towards audience)

Yeah, ya’ll hit the nail on the head... Ah do have less time fer Crusadin’... but when the farm’s dependin’ on me like this, Ah gotta be the one ta step up ta the plate!   But it ain’t like Ah’ve given up Crusadin’ entirely!

She turns towards Pinkie Pie, who is also there.

APPLE BLOOM

Pinkie Pie’s gettin‘ a lot better, every day!  She’s still ain’t what she was, but she IS learnin’!  Some days, dependin’ on what kinda chores she needs ta do, I can even trust her ta look after the farm by herself!  So it’s not like Ah have to foal-sit her round the clock!

PINKIE PIE

And Ah wouldn’t want her to HAVE ta, either!  Ah WANNA let mah big sister have some time ta herself ta have fun!  If there’s one thang Ah learned, it’s that it shouldn’t ALL be about the chores!

Pinkie Pie then turns towards all the Crusaders.

PINKIE PIE

Now who wants ta go parkouring with me?

CRUSADERS

(overlapping voices, all at once)

Oh!  Me!  Me!  Me!  I do!  I do!

Question 5:Zer0prototype and SpinelStride Ask:

Dear Colgate:

How do you like getting to work on Lero's teeth?

How about working on omnivore teeth in general compared to pony teeth, when you tend to Spike or Lero?

COLGATE

Well, as much as some ponies are still a little unsure around Lero, here for being an omnivore... after working on Spike’s teeth, you won’t find me all THAT intimidated by what’s in Lero’s mouth. I mean, it’s almost unfair.  SPIKE’S teeth are capable of masticating diamonds... breaking them down into grit in his mouth!   And it’s LERO who gets all the wary looks!    Still, omnivorous teeth are fascinating to work with.  Pony teeth don’t GET that pointy in the back, unless they’ve been in a fight or an accident.  Sometimes, as a dentist, you have to repress the urge to make them square.  Take it from a girl whose patients are 99% ponies.

She sets one of Lero's X-rays on a stand.

COLGATE

But do you want to know the most fun thing about being Lero’s dentist?  Whenever I take his X-rays, there’ll be another dentist or a radiologist willing to pay BIG MONEY for me to sell her the originals.  Yes, there are collectors among us, too!

Question 6:SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Colgate,

Is pony dentistry mostly magical in nature, or are fillings, caps, and crowns part of pony dental work?

COLGATE

A combination of the two.  We ponies have MAGICAL fillings, caps, and crowns!  They help self-clean the teeth they’re set in... though there is no substitute for a disciplined brushing and flossing regimen.

Question 7:SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Colgate,

In a more general sense, presuming that Lero does have some human-style fillings, what's your professional opinion on human dental work?

COLGATE

Truly fascinating!  Of course, I tried asking him questions about his fillings... but since Lero’s not a dentist, himself, he was about as knowledgeable as most of my patients are about anaerobic bacteria.

(smiles)

There is no, denying, though, that his having ‘tooth-colored’ resin that doesn’t stand out the way gold or silver does, represents a phenomenal leap in dental technology!  To this day, we’re trying to recreate it!  I keep trying to talk Lero into letting us replace one of his tooth-colored fillings for a gold one, so we can reverse-engineer the tooth-colored ones he has!  one of these days, I’ll wear him down yet!

Question 8:Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Colgate,

Any feelings, well or ill, against Time Turner for having the same cutie mark as you?

SUBTITLE:  3 YEARS AGO

We are now in a grassy backyard of Colgate’s house, in the dead of night.  Her wide-open door bangs repeatedly against the doorframe in the wind.

There is a telltale otherworldly grinding noise that announces the TARDIS materializes into being.

A humanoid, (but decidedly NOT human) figure darts out of the TARDIS, carrying Colgate in his arms.  The poor pony is having deep difficulty breathing.  He rushes her inside her house, up the stairs, and onto her bed.

He then pulls out a truly exotic-looking syringe and injects her with its contents.  She lets out a long gasp.  Slowly, her breathing stabilizes.

THE DOCTOR

Just in time, not a moment to spare... Colgate, you’re going to be okay...

COLGATE

Doctor, how long will it take for this serum to kill the parasites?

THE DOCTOR

A week.  Maybe two.

COLGATE

(laughs slightly)

You know, it’ll be... it’ll be a NICE change of pace, being back at  home for a while.  Quiet.  Restful.  And then we can get back in the TARDIS and see what glorious new madness is out there to find!

She grits her teeth, as the stomach parasites wriggle within her.

COLGATE

In the meantime, we’re going to have to find a nice cover story for you while you’re here.

THE DOCTOR

(regretfully)

Colgate, I’m sorry, but that’s not going to happen.

COLGATE

W-what do you mean?!

THE DOCTOR

It was just too close a shave this time.  I’m making a judgment call.  I’m afraid that this has to be goodbye.

COLGATE

Goodbye?!  Wait, no, you can’t!

THE DOCTOR

I’m sorry, but this is just like we agreed upon.  It has to be this way.

COLGATE

But there are so many adventures still out there... exploring time and space, and I want to do it all with you!

Then Colgate’s blank flank shines.  She GASPS as a hourglass appears.

COLGATE

My... my cutie mark!

(sobs with emotion)

All this time... I thought it’d never, ever appear... and... it turns out I was a late bloomer after all!

She sniffles.

COLGATE

Doctor!  Don’t you know what this mark means?  It means I... I was MEANT to be your companion!  I was meant to travel with you on the TARDIS; past, present, and future!   I... I love you, Doctor!

The Doctor comes up and kisses her, throwing his arms around her.

THE DOCTOR

And I’ll always love you, Colgate.  I’m so happy you finally gained your mark.  And I know you’ll be the best dentist Equestria’s ever known.  Just like you always wanted to be, before I rudely interrupted your life.

And he leaves.  Colgate tries to run after, but she’s still too weakened by the parasites within her.  As her ears pick up the noise of the TARDIS grinding out of existence, she weeps.

SUBTITLE:  2 YEARS AGO

Colgate is outside an ice cream shop, finishing off an ice cream cone.  The moment she’s finished, she draws out a toothbrush, squeezes on toothpaste... and then drops them both, as she hears the noise of the TARDIS.

She tries to run towards it, but the sound vanishes before she can determine its location.

But soon enough, she perks up, as DERPY HOOVES and DOCTOR HOOVES pass by her on the street.

She follows after them, the moment she sees the hourglass cutie mark he has.

DOCTOR HOOVES

As long as we can get to the Junior Science And Magic Fair in time... then  we should be able to prevent reality from...

COLGATE

DOCTOR!

Doctor Hooves freezes.  He turns around, smiling at Colgate.

DOCTOR HOOVES

Er, I’m sorry, Miss, but I’m sure we’ve never met.  You must’ve mistaken me for someone else.  My name is John Smith.

COLGATE

(not buying it)

‘John Smith?’

DERPY HOOVES

Doctor, that’s a HUMAN name!

DOCTOR HOOVES

(grasping at straws, not on his game)

Er, sorry, did I say, ‘John Smith?’  I meant to say my name’s...

He casts a look at his cutie mark.

DOCTOR HOOVES

Time Turner!  Because I just... love spending all day flipping hourglasses upside-down.

COLGATE

(nods at Derpy)

And what’s your relationship to Derpy Hooves, then, Doctor?

DOCTOR HOOVES

Relationship?   Uh... we’re related!  Same family, long-long brother!

DERPY HOOVES

Brother?!

(glares at him)

You are my COLTFRIEND.  And I won’t LET you say otherwise.

Sweating, the Doctor turns back to Colgate.

DOCTOR HOOVES

Erm... yes.  Yes, that right.

(introducing himself again)

Doctor Hooves.  Doctor Time Turner Hooves.  Married name, you understand...

Colgate throws her arms around Doctor Hooves.

COLGATE

Oh, Doctor!  You came back!

The Doctor lets out his breath, seeing he’s defeated.  He turns to Colgate.

DOCTOR HOOVES

I’d like you meet Derpy, my new girlfriend.  Derpy, meet Colgate.

DERPY HOOVES

Oh, I know Colgate!

DOCTOR HOOVES

You do?

DERPY HOOVES

Yup!  She’s the nicest dentist who ever cleaned my teeth!

COLGATE

How’s the TARDIS looking these days?

DERPY HOOVES

An angry planet chased after us and tried to chew us up!  But you can't even tell, by lookin' at the TARDIS!

COLGATE

(to Doctor Hooves)

So you like Derpy, do you?

The Doctor gives a loving look at the derpy-eyed mare.

DOCTOR HOOVES

I don’t know how she does it to me, but... in all the hundreds of years I’ve wandered all the universes... I’m never felt the same way for any other girl until SHE came along.  She’s become so SPECIAL to me.  I... I'm seriously thinking about... making her my bride.

He gives Colgate a look of deepest apology.

DOCTOR HOOVES

And I know you had feelings for me too, Colgate... deep feelings. Believe me, I didn’t want to hurt you like this...

COLGATE

(blankly)

Hurt me?  How?

DOCTOR HOOVES

(flummoxed)

Because I have a different girl I’m in love with...?

COLGATE

And?

DERPY HOOVES

I like her, Doctor!  Oh, let’s bring her along!  I think she’ll be a GREAT marefriend for BOTH of us!

DOCTOR HOOVES

(taken aback)

B-BOTH of us?!

Suddenly, they all stumble where they stand: a minor earthquake has shook them!

DOCTOR HOOVES

W... we’ll have to sort this out later!  Reality, itself, hangs in the balance!

COLGATE

Doctor, you mentioned something about a Junior Science And Magic Fair?  I know just where that’s taking place!  Follow me!

Colgate breaks into a run, and The Doctor follows after her, letting the dentist guide the way.  Derpy flies up to Colgate.

DERPY HOOVES

Welcome to the herd, Colgate!

She nuzzles her cheek, even as they rush.

COLGATE

Derpy... Doctor... it’s glorious to be back!

And she kisses Derpy on her lips, before casting a gleeful look back at the Doctor.  A few steps behind the mares, Doctor Hooves shakes his head at the bizarreness of it all.

Round Eight: It's In His Kiss

Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Eight:  It's In His Kiss

Spoilers Up To Chapter 15

Question 1:Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Rarity:

Because of Lero's inability to make a pony pregnant have you ever received any requests for his help from frustrated mares?

RARITY

Ah, yes... THEM.  Yes, I remember all of THEM.

Rarity’s expression steadily grows darker.

RARITY

The same mares who talked about him like he was some kind of barely-house-trained baboon when he first came to Ponyville... a baboon who’d gobble them up, if given the chance.  The same mares who used to cheat him in the marketplace because he didn’t know how to haggle!

She goes over to Lero, who is napping on the couch: another long and busy day for him.  She levitates a blanket and pulls it over his body.

RARITY

Oh, my sweet, gentle, innocent prince!  Some days, I worry what would’ve become of you, what they would’ve DONE to you, if you hadn’t had anypony looking out for you!

She kisses his cheek, then turns back towards the readers.

RARITY

On one hoof... most of those mares are not ogres, themselves, at heart.  Lero’s been treated much better since everypony’s come to know him.  If one of these mares were to SERIOUSLY fall in love with Lero, if there was room in Lero’s heart for her, if the REST of us liked her, if she proved she was seriously ready for a long-term commitment... then I would be open-minded.

Then she swallows angrily.

RARITY

But... when a mare comes up to me and asks me to use him for a single night’s pleasure... when she tries to buy me off with money, as though I were his PIMP... when it’s clear they only see my prince as a LIVING COOLER, good only because he can’t impregnate them...!

She takes on an UNNERVING smile.

RARITY

Well, let’s just that that puts me in a STORMY frame of mind.

Question 2:Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Lero:

Before you quit the spa to help your friends, what was your job like? Twilight made it sound like none of your herd came in for sessions with you but did your friends? Did you try to make small talk with your clients or was it usually all business?

LERO

Ah... the spa!

He smiles fondly.

LERO

My job was a good job.   Client comes in, lays on the table, these fingers of mine work their magic.  For me, it’s almost kind of like petting a dog, really.  Except you REALLY work your fingers into the muscles beneath the fur... and you need to be more thorough... except you have be mindful of where NOT to touch on a four-legged body, especially when keeping all the different species in mind, and be able to do it for hours on end, client after client.

Lero demonstrates kneading motions with his hands.

LERO

Mostly, I’d let THEM decide whether or not they wanted to make small talk.  Always let THEM initiate the conversation.  Some clients didn’t.  They just wanted to sit and have their muscles worked.  SOME clients get so cozy and relaxed, they fell right asleep as I work!  They even snored; can you believe it?   Other clients were more talkative; we just chatted each other’s ears off about what our lives were like.  I think my favorite chatterbox clients were Mayor Mare and Mrs. Cake.

He stretches.

LERO

Number One question everyone asks me:  “What’s it like being a human?”  And because Twilight’s transformed me into a pony a couple times... I’m able to compare and contrast the two very nicely.

He looks over at a group picture of the Element Bearers up on the wall.

LERO

As far as my Element Bearer friends go... (and of course, this is their pre-Swap selves we’re discussing,)  Twilight didn’t really bother, because I could do everything I do at the spa at home.  Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie were never the spa-going type.  Fluttershy and Rarity were the spa’s most frequent clients.  Pre-Swap Rarity just wasn’t real keen on being massaged by human hands. (Irony of ironies.)  She never tried me at all.  Fluttershy tried me once, and then stuck to Lotus’ hooves from then on.

Question 3:Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Twilight:

How are the familiars/pets of the swapped doing? I assume they swapped pets as well as marks so how is Rarity doing with Tank? She hasn't bedazzled his shell yet has she?

LERO

Actually, if you don’t mind, I’d like to field this question instead of Twilight.

He in inside Rainbow Dash’s cottage.

LERO

As far as I can tell, yes: just as the Swapped Five swapped families, they also swapped each others’ pets, as well.  Pinkie Pie owns Winona the dog, Applejack owns Opalescence, Rarity owns Tank.  Rainbow Dash, as you already know, owns ALL of Fluttershy’s critters.

Lero brings his hand into sight: Gummy is latched onto Lero’s wrist, leech-like.  Patiently, he grabs onto Gummy’s midsection, and steadily, gently tugs him off, as though he’s done this hundreds of times before.

LERO

There IS one notable exception to all this, though: Gummy the baby alligator.  He’s now in Dash’s care, instead of Fluttershy’s.  Wonder how THAT happened?

Discord suddenly appears behind Lero and snaps his fingers.

As though a channel were being changed, we see a newly-swapped Fluttershy standing just outside Sugar Cube Corner, just staring outward with a vacant, zombie stare.

A slow-flying Rainbow Dash lands in front of Fluttershy, sporting the same soulless stare.

Wordlessly, Fluttershy hands Gummy over to Rainbow Dash.  Wordlessly, Dash accepts Gummy.  It’s as though they’ve prearranged this drop-off for months in advance.

As Dash flies off towards her new cottage, Fluttershy reenters Sugar Cube Corner.

The ‘channel’ changes back to Lero.

LERO

Dash, of course,  insists Gummy’s ‘always’ been hers, and Fluttershy doesn’t remember ever owning any pets.  The way I see it, this was a fiendishly clever move on the Swap’s part.  If the former animal caretaker had herself an animal to take care of... who knows HOW many of her OLD memories Gummy might jog?

He finally pulls the little gator off.

LERO

I’ve toyed with the idea of bringing Gummy to Fluttershy, but there’s two things.  First: whenever any of the animals try sneaking off from the cottage, it sets off Dash’s Butterfly Mark... so I don’t think it’d go down too well with her if I tried STEALING an animal of hers.  Second: well, I’m afraid of it backfiring.  I’d like to at least try to find equilibrium for both Dash and Fluttershy before attempting a move like that.

Discord snaps his fingers, and suddenly, Lero’s back in Golden Oaks Library.  He’s briefly surprised, but then Discord waves at him and vanishes.  Lero shakes his head at the draconequus toying with him.

LERO

Now about Tank, and I guess I might as well include Owlowiscious, as well... our owl and tortoise friends ARE still here, my friends, but they’ve pretty much been keeping a low profile in all this madness.  So don’t be nervous for them if you don’t see them that often!

He opens a door.  In the next room, a doting Rarity feeds lettuce leaves to Tank while Owlowiscious watches and blinks.

LERO

Rarity adores Tank, but not quite in the same way Dash did.  Babies him like she used to baby Opal the cat.   And as for ‘bedazzling his shell’... well, Rarity DOES enjoy polishing his shell to a mirror shine, but Tank can rest easy knowing she’s not going to try gluing gems to it or anything.  Gems are not Rarity’s ‘thing’ anymore, after all; they’re Applejack’s.

Question 4:FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Angel Bunny,

What is your problem? Seriously, why do you get such a kick out of watching that pegasus suffer?

Angel Bunny knocks over a LARGE container of ink -- spilling a big puddle of it all over one side of the carpet.  He hops into the puddle, getting his paws nice and inky.  Then he carefully hops all over the rest of the carpet, spelling words out in his paw prints:

MAMA ATE APPLE I WANT

NO APPLE FOR I

MAMA STUPID

MAMA WEAK

I IN CHARGE

MAMA DUMB

I SMART

MAMA NOT DO STARE NO MORE

MOTHER JOKE NOW

MOTHER HOOFMAT

MOTHER CHEW TOY

WE CHEW HER UP

Rainbow Dash walks into the room, and stares at the writing Angel left.  She gives him a deeply pained look.  He sneers at her.

Question 5:Warpd Asks:

Dear Angle Bunny:

So despite your behavior you are totally not worried about RD allowing Lero to eat you? Carrots go well with rabbit stew.

Angel, again, makes an inky mess out of the carpet.

STUPID TWO-LEGS!

SMELLY TWO-LEGS!

POOPY TWO-LEGS!

HE WORK WITH MAMA!

TEACH MAMA BE STRONG AGAIN!

HE MAKE MAMA SMILE!

HATE!  HATE!  HATE!

HE WANNA BRING MAMA STARE BACK!

I NO LET HIM!

NO LET!  NO LET!  NO LET!

HE WANT EAT ME?

I MAKE HIM ATE!

I PLAN PLAN!

PLAN WITH BEARS!

BEARS EAT TWO-LEGS!

MAMA NO STRONG THEN!

Lero enters the room, holding a wrench.

LERO

Hey, Dash!  I think I figured out what's wrong with your...

The sight of Angel’s writing stops him.  He reads it over.  Lero’s grip on the wrench tightens as his eyes find Angel Bunny.

Question 6:FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Discord,

Since Luna isn't taking questions, I'm hoping you'll be able to answer this one in her stead. Are there any signs of the Swapped Five's true selves in their dreams?

Discord stands by Fluttershy’s bed.  The pegasus is fast asleep.

DISCORD

(excitedly)

You’ve actually hit upon something interesting, Fan!  But first, a science fact!

Finger snap!  He’s dressed in nerd glasses and a lab coat AND a pair of footie pajamas and a nightcap at the same time.

DISCORD

Anypony (and anyhuman, for that matter,) who gets a full night’s rest, typically experiences an average of six dreams during her sleep.

He pulls over a chalkboard and writes a ridiculously elaborate chemical equation on it.

DISCORD

Now, for every night any of our five swapped friends has herself a full night’s sleep, she’ll be able to enjoy exactly ONE of those six dreams as her true self!

(a bit regretful)

Although, even if their swapped selves are lucky enough to remember these dreams when they awake, they’re predisposed to dismiss them as ‘just dreams.’  But, hey!  It’s SOMETHING, ain’t it?

He pulls out a miniature Big Ben out of his lab coat pocket, checking the time.

DISCORD

(excited again)

Ooh!  Looks like Fluttershy’s is already underway!  Let’s pay a visit!

Shrinking to the size of a dandruff flake, Discord hops into Fluttershy’s ear.

He has now entered Fluttershy’s true-self dream.   Discord finds himself in Fluttershy’s cottage... and it truly IS her own cottage again!  And her Butterfly Mark is right where it belongs!

Angel is with Fluttershy, and she’s trying to get him to eat.

FLUTTERSHY

Aw, c’mon, Angel, won’t you have just a TEENY bite of your salad?  Pleeeease?

Angel Bunny moves to smack her across the face, but before he can deliver the blow...

...THE STARE.

As the cowed rabbit hurriedly shovels salad down his throat, Fluttershy smiles.

FLUTTERSHY

There you go, Angel Bunny!  Mama’s so proud of you!

Discord claps his hands over Fluttershy’s eyes from behind.

DISCORD

Guess who?

FLUTTERSHY

Discord!

She turns around and the two friends hug.

DISCORD

(laughing)

You’re too good at this!  How have things been for you?

FLUTTERSHY

Oh!  You’ll never guess who was just here!

DISCORD

Trace Beauleiu?

FLUTTERSHY

No!  It was Lero!

DISCORD

Lero again?

FLUTTERSHY

Yes!  Oh, he’s been so helpful!  I even hugged him!

DISCORD

I’m sorry I missed him!

FLUTTERSHY

That’s okay!  Would you like to come outside with me and feed the chickens?

DISCORD

Would I ever!

Fluttershy leaves and comes back with bags of chicken feed for herself and Discord.  They step out the door.

Fluttershy freezes up, the bag of chicken feed falling from her mouth at the ominous sight of three toy balloons floating outside.  One yellow, two blue.  The balloons of Pinkie Pie’s cutie mark.

But these balloons are GIGANTIC-SIZED.  Each literally as big as Fluttershy, herself.

And it is immediately clear these balloons are NOT lifeless, inanimate objects, oh no.  They project an intimidating air of unstoppable invincibility: no force on earth will be able to pop or deflate them.

The huge balloons focus all their attention upon Fluttershy like a trio of cops come to arrest her.  They are willing to take her in quietly or do things the hard way, whatever she pleases.  But they WILL have her.

FLUTTERSHY

(trembly voice)

Oh!  Uh... it’s GOOD to see you three again!  H...hey, i-if it’s not too much trouble, would you please, please, PLEASE let me be myself for just a FEW teensy more minutes?  Discord just...

Discord just watches sadly as infinite lengths of balloon string shoots out of the base of the balloons, completely cocooning his pegasus friend in seconds.

Everything around Discord fades to black.

Then, it fades over to a new scene, for his slumbering friend has transitioned to a new dream.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

This episode of That’s Our Fluttershy! has been filmed before a live studio audience!  Honest!  You can hear their laughter and everything!  We just don’t ever turn the camera to let you see the audience's faces because... uh... fourth wall!  Yeah, fourth wall!  But we love letting you hear their laughter, so... yeah!

Discord’s inside a small, unfamiliar room, mostly empty, except for a folding screen by the side.  As the door opens, he quickly turns himself into a housefly and flies over to a corner of the wall to watch.

Applejack leads Fluttershy inside the bedroom: Fluttershy has her Balloon Mark, while Applejack has her Diamond Mark.

FLUTTERSHY

This is my bedroom.  It’s yours for the weekend.

APPLEJACK

(looking around)

Fluttershy?  Uh... Ah don’t mean ta be picky or nothin’, but, uh, where’s this bedroom's bed?

LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE

[CANNED LAUGHTER #1]

FLUTTERSHY

Oh!  It’s right here.

Fluttershy walks over and pulls the folding screen back, revealing a hammock.

LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE

[CANNED LAUGHTER #5]

APPLEJACK

What’s this?!

FLUTTERSHY

Your bed!

APPLEJACK

A hammock?

LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE

[CANNED LAUGHTER #2]

FLUTTERSHY

(smiling)

You might like it!

LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE

[CANNED LAUGHTER #12]

Discord enters the room in a Hawaiian shirt, carrying five suitcases at once.  He looks around the bedroom, then at Applejack.

DISCORD

Where’s the bed?

LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE

[UPROARIOUS GUFFAWING #7]

Question 7:FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Honeydew,

Greetings from Lero's native dimension. We don't much care for you either. Not ponies in general, you specifically. And no, we can't take him back. Take that up with Those Who Must Not Be Named. I realize this isn't a question, but, well, you're a little bitch who likes mmmmmmelons.

Honeydew sets a melon on a cutting board, and proceed to cut it up into slices.

HONEYDEW

Go rip a pig’s throat out with your teeth.  Go gnaw on the bones like a jackal.  Go stick a banana in your least favorite body hole, and slip on the peel!  Go jam a stick into the dirt, and eat the termites that scuttle out!  You say you hate me?!  Well, zip-a-dee-ding-dang-dong!  That almost makes up for the fact that Celestia won’t send the two-legged cooler back to the Monkey World he spawned from!  Just stay away from me, and stay away from my FAMILY, and stay away from this world entirely and leave me to enjoy my...

She takes a bite of a melon slice.

HONEYDEW

Mmmmm---mmmm--mmmmm!  My melons.

Question 8:Warpd Asks:

Dear Discord,

Before you were reformed, why did you hang around Equestria?

The sun and moon spin through their place in outer space as though they’re racing to get themselves dizzy.  Flocks of billiard balls fly across the argyle-patterned sky. Cotton candy clouds shower chocolate rain down upon a pony town where the houses are made of dominoes, empty soup cans, paper clips, and beehives filled with bees.  Some of them float like balloons.

Kittens with hammers bang on walls and spaghetti trees at random.  Tubas and trumpets grow in gardens.  Merchants sell money in exchange for exhaled breaths of carbon dioxide.

All the actual ponies are  either discorded, lunatics, or discorded lunatics.

A pony eats mouthfuls of dirt straight out of the ground like it’s cookie dough.  A thirsty pony tries to take a drink of water out of his tail end.

Grey, discorded parents bully their sons and daughters, and are bullied back.  Grey, discorded elderly ponies shove decrepit, enfeebled teenagers into mud puddles.

Discord observes his glorious dystopia, and turns towards the readers with a smirk.

DISCORD

How’s THIS for a reason?!  Before those Alicorn Sisters encased me in stone with the Elements of Harmony, I RULED THIS WORLD AS AN UNASSAILABLE GOD!  CHAOS AND DISHARMONY WERE THE ONLY LAWS FOR TIME-OUT-OF-MIND!   THE WORLD AND EVERYTHING IN IT WAS MY PLAYTHING!  REALITY WAS WHATEVER I DECIDED IT WOULD BE AT ANY  GIVEN MOMENT!

Then he snaps his fingers.  We’re back in the present, where our draconequus friend has been redeemed.

DISCORD

You’d have loved living there.  I sure did!

Question 9:Warpd Asks:

Dear Discord,

What is chaos to you?

DISCORD

Disorder, distress, discombobulation, and -- need I even say it? --  discordance.  Put ‘em all together and whaddaya got?  CHAOS!    Next question, please!

Question 10:Warpd Asks:

Dear Discord

Couldn’t you have gone somewhere that appreciated your touch?

DISCORD

I find it more personally rewarding whenever the natives come to appreciate all the magical marvels I bring them as an acquired taste.

Question 11:Warpd Asks:

Dear Spike,

Rarity, both altered and normal, seems to be a very traditional mare. She's going to want to be in a herd. Can you handle that?

SPIKE

Sure!  As long as that herd is MY OWN herd that I'M the head of!  AND LERO’S NOT ALLOWED IN IT!

He thinks a bit, then adds, with some regret:

SPIKE

Or Twilight, either.  I mean, I really DO love Twilight, but not in the way I love Rarity!  But Twilight will be welcome to visit, anytime!

Question 12:Warpd Asks:

Dear Rarity:

What's your favorite part about kissing Lero and how does it compare to past experiences when dating other ponies?

Rarity smiles, and heads over to the wine cabinet.

RARITY

By far, my favorite thing about Lero’s kisses... the thing I love most... is his love.  The affection and adoration he channels into his kisses.  I love how Lero pours all of himself into his love of me.  It incites me to pour all of myself into my love for him.

She uncorks a bottle of cabernet sauvignon and pours it into a glass.

RARITY

When we’re kissing... really passionately kissing, we’re like two flames competing to see which of us can blaze hottest, all while  feeding off one another.  It’s magical.

She takes a framed photo off the wall.  It shows Lero and Rainbow Dash, each with an arm around the other’s shoulder.  Of course, Rarity sees herself in the pegasus’ place.  She hugs the picture to her chest, kisses the image of Lero, then hooks it back on the wall.

RARITY

Now, your second question.  I assure you, it’s NOT a case of ‘ponies don’t do anything for me anymore.’  Lyra and Twilight can certainly testify to that!  Lero, as well!  For all those special times Twilight transforms our stallion into a stallion, believe me, none of the magic is lost!

She takes a small sip of wine.

RARITY

My other suitors of the past... I’ve had all sorts.  Funny ones.  Fun ones.  Accomplished ones, rich ones, smart ones, famous ones.   Ones who were superb kissers in their own right.  Loving-hearted ones I could’ve just as easily fallen all the way in love with.

She takes a larger drink of wine, draining half the glass.

RARITY

I’ve also had experiences with scoundrels.  Liars.  Cheaters.  Spiteful weasels and jealous vipers.  Overgrown infants.  Lecherous toads, especially those who were only interested in being able to say, ‘I scored with a unicorn!’  And a few obsessive stalkers too.

Her skin crawls under her fur, and she sets the wine down on a counter.

RARITY

Species difference aside... what separates Lero from all the rest, what makes him beyond compare is this: he’s utterly committed to being the perfect boyfriend.  Every day in every way.

(blinks)

Er... COLT-friend, not boyfriend.

(laughs wryly)

I swear, some days I’m practically human, myself!

She levitates the wine bottle over to completely refill her glass.

RARITY

After all he went through in Bramblewood, want to know what kind of nightmares he had?  Not of almost dying.  Not of falling.  Not of any physical pain.  None of the things which I was responsible for.  My prince woke up in the middle of the night, sobbing, because he dreamt he’d been a bad stallion to me.

Fighting the urge to sob, herself, she swigs down the whole glass of wine.

RARITY

On a good day, Lero does his best to make that day better, or at least keep it 'good.'  On a bad day, Lero does his best to make things good again.  And in the face of catastrophe... well, that’s when me and Twilight and Lyra and Spike and everyone else tend to be most thankful he’s on our side.

She looks up at the readers.

RARITY

As a former connoisseur of such things, believe me when I say: such factors have a incredible impact on the taste, texture, and heat of a kiss.

Round Nine: An Unearthly Foal

Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Eight:  An Unearthly Foal

Spoilers Up To Chapter 15

Question 1:Warpd Asks:

Dear Rarity:

When it was just Lero and you who would have been your first choice in joining your herd?

RARITY

Well, let me first begin by saying that I’m VERY HAPPY with my herd’s current membership, and I wouldn’t exchange any one of them for ANYTHING!

Then she smiles.

RARITY

That said, I did have a few first choices in my original ‘dream herd.’  Quite a number, in fact!  First, Twilight Sparkle was ALWAYS on my original list, for being so incredibly smart, sexy, and sweet!  I’m so happy to have her in real life!  Then there was Colgate, because she’s just a nice pony... but she ended up marrying that doctor.  Also, Octavia, for being classy... and Vinyl Scratch, since she’s just plain fun!  And...

She thinks, conflicted if she should reveal an extra fact.

RARITY

...Way, way in the past, AFTER I developed romantic feeling for Lero, but BEFORE he revealed he wasn’t straight... I even toyed with the idea of including Big Macintosh into our herd.  You got to admit, Mac and Lero are so SWEET together!  Even to this day, as platonic friends!  Not to mention I certainly wouldn’t have minded Mac’s... uh... that is... moving on!

Question 2:Warpd Asks:

Dear Lero:

Do you sometimes get asked what human females are like?

Lero is sketching in a sketchpad.

LERO

ALL the time!  But at least SOME ponies actually ask!  Want to know something gross-yet-funny?  A number of pony artists initially took it upon themselves to try and second-guess what women looked like, without consulting me.  And I’ve seen the artwork they produce.

He strokes his beard conscientiously.

LERO

They ALL have my beard.  All of them.  I’ve even seen drawings of what’s supposed to be young girls and young boys, and THEY ALL HAVE MY BEARD.  The clothed women look like me in drag.  The nude ones look like me with... with a...

He lets out a heavy sigh.

LERO

With a vagina.  But no breasts.  UNLESS I happen to be a mother breast-feeding my bearded young.

He laughs uncomfortably.

LERO

Here’s a quick fun fact for you!  For practically every other mammal without an udder throughout ALL the rest of the animal kingdom, female mammaries are completely flat... UNLESS they’re lactating.  Only human beings have breasts that STAY... round and extended, whether or not they contain milk.  This fact BOGGLES the pony mind.

He shows us what he’s been drawing.  It’s a decent cartoon-style drawing, showing a human girl in the stages of her life: infancy, a young girl, a teenage girl, a young lady, a middle-aged lady, and an old lady.  He’s titled it: ‘WOMAN.’

LERO

When I first told ponies how women’s breasts stay engorged for life, many of them walked away thinking their breasts are CONSTANTLY creating milk the same way salivary glands are constantly creating spit.

Lero grows even more markedly uncomfortable.

LERO

To all the ladies who are reading my words: I apologize in advance for what I am about to reveal.  I’m just disclosing a popular pony misperception of human females which I’ve actively tried to fight!  Don’t shoot the messenger, okay? Please?

He pulls up a book, and shows it to the readers.  It is titled: The Spokeshuman by Dangling Participle.

LERO

One of the effects of me setting roots in Equestria is that this... super-genre of literature came into existence.  ‘Speculative Human Fiction.‘  Covers everything from adventure to horror to erotica and slice-of-life.  Ever since I revealed the fact that women’s breasts never flatten again after puberty... they assume that you ladies are... are...

(sighs)

...are constantly in need of milking yourselves.  As regularly as with bathroom breaks, sometimes.   From teenage years, well into your dotage.  What you then do with your milk varies from book to book... I SWEAR I keep trying to say this ISN’T true at all!  Some listen, thank God, but it is a POPULAR misconception!

He sighs.

LERO

I’m done talking about this.  Next question!

Question 3:Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Owlowiscious:

What do you think of Lero?

OWLOWISCIOUS

Who?

Question 4:Kitsuja Asks:

Dear Lero:

Ever want to give Honeydew a nice Hawaiian punch?

LERO

Every time we ever talk with one another.  Although, actually getting into a brawl with her’s a bad idea.  First: because she CAN hit back.

Lero lifts his shirt, showing a pair of horseshoe-shaped bruises along his ribs which are bleeding.

LERO

Second: she’d LEAP at the chance to demonize me as some kind of mad dog gorilla, who’d lunge at you at the drop of a hat.  So I make a policy of NEVER letting Honeydew goad me into physical retaliation.  I refuse to be the aggressor.  Last but not least...

Rarity and Twilight are taking turns jamming Honeydew down their house’s chimney, using her large furry body as a broom to sweep out all the ash.

LERO

There’s an undeniable entertainment value in watching the girls do the retaliating for me.

Question 5:Warpd Asks:

Dear Honeydew:

Who else in town share your feelings about the alien?

Honeydew is in her shower.  Chimney ash rolls off her fur as she stands under the streaming shower head.  She peeks out to talk to the readers from behind the shower curtain.

HONEYDEW

While we are a minority, we are still many.  I’ll only name a few names, just so you don’t think I’m completely alone in my way of thinking.   There’s Filthy Rich, of Barnyard Bargain and all his herd.  Including that daughter of his, Diamond Tiara... her friend, Silver Spoon, plus all SILVER’S parents and siblings.  Not that I’m personal friends with rich folk like them, but still, they’re there.

She coughs up some phlegmy ash, then spits on the floor of her shower for the water to wash down the drain.

HONEYDEW

I’d name more names, but I know how all the monkey fetishes LOVE to target proper-minded ponies like myself.  Lecture us.  Shame us.  Persecute us.  Many of us have clammed up, because they simply cannot afford to voice their objections openly!  Not I, though!  I’M still brave!  I’M still outspoken!  I’M still a fighter!

Choking up more ash, she ducks back completely behind her curtain, turning the shower stream to a hotter and stronger setting.  Steam churns up from inside the shower.

HONEYDEW

Damn that human, damn that human, damn that human, damn that human, damn that human, damn that human, damn that human, damn that human, damn that human, damn that human, damn that human, damn that human, damn that human...

Question 6:SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Derpy Hooves:

Would you ever let Lero foalsit Dinky?

We are inside the foyer of Doctor Time Turner Hooves’ personal door.  By all outward appearances, it’s as normal a pony home as normal can be.  Lero Michaelides stands off to the side as Derpy is chatting with Dinky.

DERPY HOOVES

Now you be good and do everything Mr. Nickel-ladies tells you to!

DINKY DOO

I will, Momma!  I promise!

Mother and daughter rub noses together lovingly.  Derpy stops before Lero.  She opens her mouth, but no words come out.  Confusion forms on both her and Lero’s faces.

LERO

Was there something you wanted to say, Mrs. Hooves?

DERPY HOOVES

Er... Yeah.  Doctor said I was supposed to absolutely forbid you from doing... something.  Hmmm... Can’t remember what though!

LERO

(shrugs, smiling)

How about I promise I’ll be an excellent babysitter and keep Dinky out of trouble, and we’ll call it even?

DERPY HOOVES

Okie-doke!  Well, off I go to the strabismus convention!

DINKY DOO

By, Mom!  Say hi to Mama Colgate and Dad for me!

DERPY HOOVES

Will do!

She trots to the door, smacks into it, opens it, and steps out.

Lero hunkers down next to young Dinky.  She wears a necklace that has a small key on it.

LERO

Hey, Dinky!  Is there something fun you’d like to do?  Read a book?  Draw a picture?  Play a board game?

DINKY DOO

I would like to read a certain book!

LERO

(smiling)

You’re just like my girl Twilight!

DINKY DOO

But it’s in our special library, and it’s on a REAL high shelf and...

She strains to activate her magic.  All that comes out of her horn is a single spark.  She looks at him shyly, hoping he’ll understand.

LERO

Say no more.  Lead the way!

DINKY DOO

Great!

Dinky leads the way down into the basement.  In the far corner,  sits the blue police box that is the TARDIS.  Lero stops short in front of it.

LERO

The... that’s the TARDIS!

DINKY DOO

Yep!

As Dinky rises on her hind legs to unlock the TARDIS door, Lero has a laugh.

LERO

God, The TARDIS... this takes me back!  Used to watch that show religiously back on Earth!  What an incredible replica... did your Dad make it?  Is he the Whovian of your house?

Dinky, having unlocked the door, looks over her shoulder.

DINKY DOO

What’s a Whovian?

She steps inside.  Suddenly, Lero has a thought.

LERO

Wait a moment... how would the Doctor Who show even get broadcast to Equestria... when there aren’t any TVs?!

Dinky Doo sticks her head out a second time.

DINKY DOO

Mr. Lero!  Aren’t you coming?

LERO

Uh... sure!

Lero runs inside.  He’s confronted with nothing less than THE TARDIS’ iconic control room.  He gapes at the control console, with its array of panels,  switches, and levers, with the big crystalline column in the center.  He nearly touches it, then stops himself.

The human’s jaw drops.  He exits the TARDIS, looking at it from walking an incredulous circle around its smaller police box exterior.  Then he reenters its larger interior.

LERO

Bigger on the inside...

(amazed epiphany)

Doctor WHO-oves.  He... he’s real!  The Doctor’s... real?  He’s really real and he’s a... PONY?!

DINKY DOO

Mr. Lero!  Come on!  Don’t be a slowpoke!

The thunderstruck human follows after Dinky Doo into what almost looks to be a hotel’s corridor, with many doors running along either side.

Dinky trots to the nearest door and opens it.  It’s a vast wardrobe with countless outfits that’d help a time traveller blend in at any given point in history and the future.

Lero is astounded, but Dinky lets out a groan.

DINKY DOO

Ugh!  Did Dad rearrange all the TARDIS’ rooms again?!

She tries another door: it’s a jungle-like animal preserve filled with endangered animals from other galaxies.

Another door:  A room whose walls are lined with photographs of the Doctor’s previous traveling companions.  There’s a bookshelf filled entirely with scrapbooks.

Another door:  A room laid out like a professional coffeehouse, with display cases filled with cookies, cupcakes... cappuccino and espresso makers... except no cash register.  Everything here’s free for the making and free for the taking.

DINKY DOO

Bleh!  Coffee!

Another door:  A gorgeous swimming pool.

Another door:  A squash court.

Finally, Dinky finds the door she’s looking for: a seven-floored library fit for a royal palace!

LERO

Twilight... would... FLIP.

Dinky trots over to what looks to be the children’s section, and stares up at one of the bookshelves.

DINKY DOO

It’s up there, Mr. Lero!  Every Gallifreyan’s Child Pop-Up Book Of Nasty Creatures From Other Dimensions!  Could you reach it for me, please?

Lero does so, standing on tiptoes to reach the top shelf.  Another book catches his eye, and he pulls it out with his other hand.

While handing the pop-up book to Dinky, Lero examines the book  he was compelled to pull off.

LERO

"Harry Potter And The Half-Moon Dentist...?  Book 8 of 11?!”  Eleven?!  No way... no WAY...!

He turns to Dinky Doo, smiling as happily as a child.

LERO

Dinky?  Can I borrow this?  Pretty please with sugar on top?  I’ll read your pop-up book for you!

DINKY DOO

Sure!  I don’t mind you borrowing that book there, but mine reads itself!

LERO

I’ll bet it does!

The scene changes to a gathering of ponies just as walleyed as Dinky is.  Colgate and Derpy Hooves and The Doctor are chatting with this one stallion... when all of a sudden...

DERPY HOOVES

Oh, that’s right!  I forgot to tell the foalsitter not to go into the basement, even if Dinky asks him!

THE DOCTOR

You... WHAT?!

Back at the Doctor’s home, Dinky and Lero are on a couch, equally delighted as she flips a page.

POP UP BOOK

The Kith are spongelike, and not at all pleasant!

When they sleep in the dark, they are phosphorescent!

Question 7:Zer0Prototype Asks:

Dear Doctor:

What do you think of Lero? His herd?

and also:

Dear Doctor:

Have you noticed anything odd around Ponyville lately? I know that 5 individuals suddenly acting strange isn't the worst thing to happen considering what you have seen and what usually happens around there but still, have you given it a thought at all?

It’s late at night.  The Doctor and Lero are out on the Doctor’s backyard lawn, amidst many empty beer bottle and several unopened ones, laughing like the drunks they are.

THE DOCTOR

Ha ha ha ha!   Okay, okay!  So then... what’s my theme song?  Sing  me my theme song!

LERO

Okay!

Lero puckers his lips together and whistles the Doctor Who theme song.  The Doctor listens intently.

THE DOCTOR

Lovely little tune, I must say... but where’s the SONG?  The lyrics?

LERO

There... there really ain’t any, Doctor.

THE DOCTOR

(singing)

He’s the Doctor, he’s in your face!

Going everywhere in time and space!

(not singing)

Nothing like that?

LERO

Sorry.  Just the tune.

THE DOCTOR

You say this TV show... which follows MY LIFE... has been going on since bloody 1963... and they never came up with LYRICS?

LERO

Well, there was this ONE thing with John Pertwee... he played the third regeneration of you...

Drunk and distracted with thoughts about the Doctor Who show, Lero doesn’t see The Doctor drop a tiny pill into his beer, which dissolves on contact with the liquid.

LERO

...something about a Sword of Truth at one point, but really it wasn’t even so much a SONG, as a poem set to music.  Not sung, you dig me?

Lero raises his beer to his lips.

LERO

It’s your tenth self I like the best.

He almost drinks it, but then brings it down again.

LERO

Oh!  And your current self’s good too, don’t get me wrong.

The Doctor smiles and nods indifferently.

LERO

What are you thinking, Doctor?  Y’know, about all I told you?

THE DOCTOR

(glumly)

A universe exists which chronicles all my adventures, and it’s one of the longest-running franchises ever on Planet Earth.  I don’t really WANT to believe it, but your story’s too detailed and I’ve seen enough impossibilities already in my life.

Lero looks at him with understanding.

LERO

You don’t want the celebrity.  Of course you don’t.  A guy doesn’t go through life insisting on being called ‘The Doctor’ because he wants to be famous.

THE DOCTOR

Right.  I don’t want fame.  Or fortune.  I’ve always just wanted to go in, see the sights, help whoever needed helping, and then move on to wherever-next, without any fuss.  I like MEETING celebrities, but I hate BEING one... except when it comes to scaring off Daleks and the like.

The Doctor opens another bottle of beer with his sonic screwdriver.

THE DOCTOR

If I could go to your old world in 1963, and prevent this Doctor Who show from ever airing... I would.

LERO

Like that time you erased every mention of yourself on the Internet, with that virus-thingy?

THE DOCTOR

(after a beat)

Your beer’s starting to look a bit flat, Lero. Why don’t you finish it off?

Lero raises the bottle to his lips and ALMOST drinks it, but then...

LERO

I’m a liability to you, aren’t I?

THE DOCTOR

(polite smile)

No, of course not!

LERO

I am, though.  I could spread the word around that your a Time Lord, even if no one believed me.  A Dalek could come probe my brain, and find out you’re here.

Lero turns sad, drunken eyes on The Doctor.

LERO

I kinda know what it’s like for you, Doctor.  Laugh if you want, but I do.   Personal experience.  There’s a... there’s a race of evil aliens who’d like nothing more than to... recapture me, if they ever found out where I am.  Or kill me, whichever.  To this day, I’m still afraid of them.  Especially what they might do to my family.  You’re in the same boat, only you’ve got it a billion times worse, because you’ve made enemies out of all SORTS of alien races!

The human looks down.  The Doctor’s expression turns sympathetic.

LERO

(sadly)

You even got a daughter.  Last thing in the world I want to do is to be a danger to Dinky.  She told me she’ll be turning five years old in just a month!

THE DOCTOR

(nods)

She was only born just last year.

LERO

Was she?

THE DOCTOR

Yeah.  But it... none of this is YOUR fault, Lero!  You were just trying to help my little lady grab a book!

LERO

...And I wouldn’t want her to be dissected in a lab or anything for being a... a half-Time Lord or whatever.

THE DOCTOR

Time Lady.  My little Time Lady.

LERO

So you’re secret’s safe with me, Doctor.  After all I’d sure hate to drive such a cool hero as you away from Equestria.  It needs every stallion it can GET.

The Doctor laughs.

THE DOCTOR

You know, Lero, that’s another weird thing we have in common.  We’re both aliens and yet... we’ve become stallions for the girls we love!

LERO

They succeeded a lot better with you than me!

They both laugh.  Lero raises his bottle as if in toast.

LERO

Here’s to the few!  The proud!  The guys!

The Doctor suddenly sweeps hoof out and slaps the beer bottle away from Lero.  It spins as it flies out of his hands, all its beer spreads all over the grass.  Lero stares at the Doctor, flabbergasted.

THE DOCTOR

Sorry, Lero.  I spiked your drink.  You’d mentioned that time I purged all data of myself off the Internet?  If you’d drank that beer, that’s what would’ve happened to you.

Lero rubs his sore hand as The Doctor pops open a new beer for Lero.

LERO

What changed your mind?

THE DOCTOR

It struck me that you’re a very companionable sort of guy.  And good, discreet, babysitters who know what a TARDIS is are hard to come by.  And...

The Doctor looks down.

THE DOCTOR

Actually, I have a confession.  I also know far more about you than I should.

LERO

Like what?

THE DOCTOR

I know about the ‘alien race’ that abducted you from Earth, for starters.

LERO

(hurriedly)

Please, let’s not discuss them.  Ever.

THE DOCTOR

And the fact that one of your mares left your herd against her will, but she left her cutie mark behind on another mare.

Lero CHOKES on his beer.

THE DOCTOR

There are devices aboard the TARDIS to fix memory tampering.  And after all I’ve been through before coming to Equestria, I’m keenly attuned to when foreign presences touch my mind.

The Doctor snorts.

THE DOCTOR

So after restoring my real memories, I was about to go do the same for the rest of Equestria, when Discord, himself, appeared before me and explained the situation.  We reached a compromise: he’d let me keep my real memories and add me to his exemption list, as long as I played along and did nothing to interfere.

LERO

(awed whisper)

Incredible.

(normal voice)

Doctor, what should I do?  Is there any way for me to... to... reverse the polarity and bring our friends back to their old selves?!

THE DOCTOR

(sighs)

I’m sorry, Lero, but telling you would be interfering.

LERO

But... but, I’m BEGGING you, Doctor, I...!

THE DOCTOR

Please understand. When you’re as seasoned a time traveler as Yours Truly... there’s something you come to learn.  You don’t invent the light bulb FOR Thomas Edison.  You don’t paint the Sistine Chapel FOR Michelangelo.  You don’t discover vaccination FOR Louis Pasteur.  And you don’t write the Harry Potter series FOR J.K. Rowling.  You don’t do these things any more than you go to your own kids’ grade school and take their final exams for them.

He puts a hoof on Lero’s shoulder, sympathetically.

THE DOCTOR

And for the same reasons, I cannot fix the unfinished spell FOR Twilight Sparkle.  In the end, this has to be HER victory... or her defeat.

LERO

But... but she’s really struggling...

THE DOCTOR

(sighing again)

Lero... why don’t you come over to my place for dinner next Wednesday?  Your whole herd too, bring them along!  Colgate makes a fantastic set of hay fries, and Derpy is a wizard with muffins.  I don’t know your herd all that much on a personal level, but I know them well enough by reputation.  It’d be great if we could all become friends!

LERO

...On two conditions.

THE DOCTOR

What?

LERO

First... we’re having Guy’s Night Out next Thursday, starting at 6 o’clock.  Me, Spike, Big Mac, and a few others, all going to hang out and have fun at the bowling alley.  No girls, just guys.  We’d like to have you along.

THE DOCTOR

(perking up)

Bowling alley, you say?  Done and done!

LERO

Second... as an American, I’ve been dying to know: what IS a jelly baby?!  Is it some kind of jelly tart?  Or is it a gummy bear shaped like a human infant or something?

Question 8:Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Doctor:

How have you enjoyed Ponyville?   Is it like a vacation at all?

THE DOCTOR

I enjoy it very much so!   Oh, it isn’t like Equestria is without its share of world-threatening calamities... but it’s a LOT rarer than on Earth, and ponies are a LOT less inclined to whip out guns.  Disagreeable things, guns.  Plus: friendly folk with a lot of fascinating culture differences worth taking some extra time to explore?  Yes, please!

Question 9:FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Doctor,

Seriously, how the crap did you spend this long among Equestrians without learning about the whole polygamy/herd dynamic thing? Was existence really in peril that often?

THE DOCTOR

Imagine living more than ten different regenerations as a biped.  Over 900 years!  Now I ask you: which commands more of your attention?  The familial dynamics of the locals?  Or learning how to not trip over your new four-legged, no-handed body?  Mastering the fine and subtle art of grabbing and manipulating objects with your mouth without drooling over everything?

Question 10:Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Doctor:

Are you still running around trying to save the world every other day?

The Doctor walks downstairs into his dark basement; A lit lantern’s in his mouth.  He shines it on the far corner of the basement; there sits the TARDIS.  He gives it a soft smile before setting his lantern on a box and turning towards the readers.

THE DOCTOR

I am impossibly older than I look.  I’m not going out on excursions quite as much as I used to.  I’d like to use this regeneration as a chance to try some things I haven’t tried since, well, since before the first time I ever regenerated.  Fatherhood.  Husband...hood.

He gives a sheepish laugh, looking at a picture of himself and his wives with Dinky Doo, back when she was a newborn.

THE DOCTOR

You know, before I grow too old to even do THAT.

He smiles around at the objects populating the basement.  Hearth’s Warming Eve Decorations.  Wedding gowns and a tuxedo zipped up in plastic.  A giant teddy bear.

THE DOCTOR

You need to reach a certain level of maturity to understand how being a father and a husband is a mind-expanding adventure in and of itself.  Took me over 900 years, but I’m finally there, I think.  The fact that I’ve married into a polygamous society gives the whole thing a... new dimension.  Not to mention the ungulate form makes for an intriguing adjustment.

But he goes over to the TARDIS, stroking its door lovingly.

THE DOCTOR

And yet... every so often, the old itchings, the old stirrings always reawaken inside me.  Cries for help from the imperiled and the downtrodden from all points of existence... cleverly disguised as a yearning for adventure in my mind.  My wives are always delighted when this happens, when my wanderlust reaches a fever pitch.  We all get to hop into the TARDIS and have fun, right wrongs, and save innocents... worlds... reality... EXISTENCE together!

He turns towards the readers.

THE DOCTOR

Far as I’m concerned, this is my best regeneration YET.

Round Ten: Consult Your Doctor

Round Ten: Consult Your Doctor

Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Ten:  Consult Your Doctor

Spoilers Up To Chapter 16

Question 1:Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Derpy Hooves:

How would you like the Doctor with wings?

DERPY HOOVES

Oh, I would like that!  We could preen each other, fly in the same flock... I could teach him HOW to fly!  It’d be great!

Question 2:Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Derpy Hooves:

Has he ever made it happen?

DERPY HOOVES

Wings?  No.

Leaving a trail of smoke in his wake, the Doctor flies by, scooping Derpy off the ground, into his arms.  She squeals in delight.

DERPY HOOVES

Jetpack?  Yes!

Question 3:SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Dinky,

Please put this aside and read it when you're about six hundred years old, okay?  So, did the Doctor ever figure out how to take the parking brake off?

Dinky Doo at 600-years old, looks just as good as a 30-year old.  She stands at the TARDIS’ control console, opens Spinel’s message, finally reads it, and turns to the readers.

600-YEAR-OLD DINKY DOO

No.  Never.  It fell to me to take the parking brake off.  But by that time, we’d all grown so enamored of the sound, that I ended up using a recording of the sound as a sort of... ringtone -- for lack of a better word -- for whenever we land or exit somewhere.  Listen!

A delightfully familiar grinding noise sounds.  Dinky nuzzles against the control console.

600-YEAR-OLD DINKY DOO

Beautiful as ever, old girl.

Question 4:Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Doctor:

Did you encounter Discord the first time he was freed? Become a Discorded coward with wings or anything?

600-YEAR OLD DINKY

(sadly)

Yes, Discord DID encounter my father at that point in time. And changed him.

The grey, discorded Doctor stands before a cringing mass of other discorded ponies., with an evil smile.  Dinky watches him from afar, sadly.

DISCORDED DOCTOR

I have wasted all my years trying to babysit you thick-headed cretins: all people at all points in time on all planets and even in all alternative universes!  Saving you all from every threat: from Daleks to Weeping Angels to your own ignorant selves!  How many times have I DIED for your sakes?!  Well, no longer!  Now I am in command!  Now I am in charge!  You live or die at my whim, because that is my right as an impossibly smarter being than all of you put together!

Then he shines his hypnotic eyes upon the crowd.

DISCORDED DOCTOR

I am the Doctor, and you will OBEY!

Question 5:Warpd Asks:

Dear Doctor:

Nice that you didn't reset Lero. Having a friend around is always a joy. Even if he has freaky knowledge of you.

Oh, what makes you think that Lero's earth is the only one with your show?

The Doctor opens his mouth wide, and it hangs open without words coming out.

THE DOCTOR

More than one universe where I’m a TV show...?

He sits, brooding upon this thought.

THE DOCTOR

It’s... it’s a valid point you raise.  So many alternate universes out there, throughout existence.  Gotta be a couple jillion where I got... Whovers... Whovinatics?  Whooters?  whatever they TV fans call themselves.  Be a bit tiresome, even for me, to prevent ALL those shows from ever airing...

(snort of laughter)

Well, as long as everyone’s tuning into me, anyway... hit it, Colgate!

Colgate starts playing her piano as The Doctor starts doing a Vaudeville dance, right in the middle of his living room.

THE DOCTOR

Reuben, Reuben, I've been thinking

Said his wifey dear

Now that things are peaceful and calm

The boys will soon be back on the farm

Mister Reuben started winking and slowly rubbed his chin

He pulled his chair up close to mother

And he asked her with a grin:

How ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm

After they've seen Paree'

How ya gonna keep 'em away from Broadway

Jazzin around and paintin' the town

How ya gonna keep 'em away from harm, that's a mystery

They'll never want to see a rake or plow

And who the heck can parleyvous a cow?

How ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm

After they've seen Paree'!

Colgate ends the song there.

THE DOCTOR

But, yeah, you raise a great point.  A friend is always a joy... however long you can keep him around for.  Unbelievably and against all odds, Lero manages to be neat BECAUSE he has freaky knowledge of me.  I can tell him things I can’t tell other people, and he’ll believe me and keep his mouth shut about it to everyone else.

Question 6:Warpd Asks:

Dear Rarity:

Well you were able to change Lero. Take from a human, going from girls to mares is a big change. So if you can get Lero and Mac closer...

Rarity contemplates this, as she stands out on the street.

RARITY

You know... I could!  If I really put my mind to it... a little coaxing here, a little cleverness there... I probably COULD arrange for Lero and Mac’s friendship to evolve beyond the platonic!  As you say, I’ve already broadened so many of his romantic horizons!  Why, it would almost be foal’s play for a master matchmaker like me!

She laughs a bit.

RARITY

But I’ll tell you the reason why I won’t, though.  First... there IS such a thing as asking too much.  Consider this:  Lero has gone from a monogamous world where all other creatures except humans are beasts -- especially quadrupeds! -- to embracing three girls of another species.  Give him credit: that would be a pretty BIG adjustments to make, wouldn’t you say?   I’m afraid if I tried to unbend him, STRAIGHTEN him on top of all his OTHER changes... it’d almost feel like I’m trying to... correct him.  Correct what Lero is.

She scuffs a hoof on the cobblestone.

RARITY

Second reason... well, at times like this, I try to imagine myself in Lero’s two shoes.  Put myself in a masculine, HUMAN frame of mind, weird as that sounds.

(sighs)

Lero’s no dummy.  He’d be aware that I wasn’t trying to bring Mac into our herd just for HIS sake.  He’d know I’d want him for myself as well.  But I’m scared of how that might hurt Lero’s feelings... make him feel that, as much as I love him, he could never quite measure up to a true pony stallion...

Rarity watches a pony mother pass by her with her newborn foal.

RARITY

Especially what a true stallion could give me.  Third, well...

She casts a sudden look down to her cutie mark, unaware that she’s even actually doing it.

RARITY

...I have this gut feeling that if it was me, if I had been the bent herdmate, Lero wouldn’t have tried to cajole me into making love to other mares, or thought less of me if I refused to.  He’d have accepted me for what I am and made it work.  So I feel it’s only right not to push such a thing on him.  However... if Lero were to ever develop an interest in going straight entirely on his own... I’d be first in line to help him.

Then she smiles.

RARITY

Though there IS something very flattering about a boy not wanting to share you with other boys!

Question 7:Warpd Asks:

Dear Big Macintosh:

So how close to Lero are you?

BIG MACINTOSH

Ah reckon yer asking me this both in terms of bein’ friends and... possible herdmates.

(lets out a breath)

Ah thank of him as a best friend.  When yer a stallion or even just a colt, it can be a bit overwhelmin’ bein’ round so many gals, even when they’re nice to ya...

Then he mutters to himself under his breath, something we’re actually not supposed to hear.

BIG MACINTOSH

(almost inaudible muttering)

...Always measuring yew up fer how yew’d be as a coltfriend... always peekin’ ta see what size ya are between yer legs... all their catty li’l comments... and it don’t feel no better when it’s another STALLION doin’ it to ya, either...

Mac returns his attention to the readers.

BIG MACINTOSH

Someday, Ah WILL get hitched with a few gals... but in the meanwhile, ya appreciate every guy friend yew can make.  Lero’s no different.  Ah suppose since he can’t make any human friends here, at least he can make guy-friends.  He talks.  Ah listen.  He don’t mind that Ah don’t talk much mahself.  We drink together.  He helps with the farmin’ sometimes, and Ah help him when he needs helpin'.  REALLY ‘ppreciate what he did ta help fix Pinkie’s head.

He bites his lip.

BIG MACINTOSH

Now... as fer Lero maybe bein’ a herdmate a’ mine.  Here’s the thang... every so often, Ah’ll get an itch... just a regular ol’ itch on mah barrel while we’re out on the farm, and Lero will scratch it with them hands a’ his... but I ain’t never felt no magic tingle touch mah soul from it.

(stares pointedly at the audience)

Summa yew might tell me Ah ‘just need ta come ta know him a bit better.’ Even if Ah did, well... there’re those mares a’ his.  Don’t get me wrong: those three are summa the nicest gals yer ever gunna meet.  But... but all that MAGIC!  Ya hear horror stories in the papers sumtimes 'bout super-strong unicorns who turn on their families... and any one o’ them could end me with a THOUGHT!  Lero’s gotta like livin’ on the edge, cuz Ah don’t know where else he got the brass ta hook up with ALL THREE of ‘em!  So right now, at least, Ah’m happy having him as my best friend.

Question 8:Rikmach Asks:

Dear Doctor:

How did you end up regeneration as a tiny horse, anyhow?

THE DOCTOR

Now, the full story of why I was holding a huge container of pony stem cells is a tale for another day.  But there I was on Planet Rhumbov, clutching a huge container of pony stem cells, trying to run away from this truly nasty, tyrannical piece of work named The Barrister.  But I wasn’t quick enough. Not only did The Barrister shoot me about seventy times with his laser rifle... the container broke and all those stem cells just sloshed right over me!  So there I was, a bloody, dying wreck in the middle of the desert, and the Barrister flew off, satisfied with his work.  And  as my humanoid body began to glow with the light of regeneration, all that pony DNA seeped right into my system as my body was remaking itself... and here’s the end result!

Question 9:Beyond The Horizon Asks:

Dear Lero:

A. . . hypothetical question. If one individiual was to send a care package from one side of the dimensional void to the other. . . Where would said individual recommend sending it to?

Best wishes and warm regards,

~The Emerald Wanderer, Current Student of the Second True Magic.

LERO

Well, sir, interdimensional packages of any sort are quite a rare occurrence here in Equestria.  Generally speaking, I think you’d want to mail your package first to either Princess Celestia or Twilight Sparkle to be... uh... ‘X-rayed’ I guess you could say, before they mail it off to its ACTUAL intended recipient.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Please don’t take this the wrong way, Mr. Wanderer, sir, but we’ve had some... bad experiences with interdimensional packages in the past.  Particularly since a number of them were sent by rather... fiendish individuals.  It’d be helpful if you could attach a list of what your package’s contents are on the outside of the box.

Question 10:FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Lero,

So, that's not one but two ageless beings telling you just how big this is going to be for Twilight. Your thoughts?

LERO

Actually, by my reckoning, I see it as THREE ageless beings.  No, FOUR!  Considering Celestia and Luna’s level of participation, I’d say both Princesses are in the same camp of thought as Discord and The Doctor!

He shakes his head.

LERO

My thoughts?  I have the strong sense that there’s a lot more to this situation than simply getting our five friends back to their old lives.  I’m aware I’m part of a CRITICAL turning point in history, and Twilight is at the nexus of it.  Whatever this is,  it’s every bit as... as WORLD-CHANGING as when the Founding Fathers sent the Declaration of Independence to King George, or when the Civil War broke out!  And I... I feel like I’m Mrs. George Washington... Mrs. Abraham Lincoln.  Just trying to be the most supportive spouse I can, while the path of our entire future hinges on how strong the one I love is!

Question 11: FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Discord,

Privy as you are to human pop culture via Lero's memories (oh, don't pretend you didn't take a peek,) what would you say is your favorite bit thereof?

DISCORD

Oh, it changes from time to time... and believe me, I DON’T need to visit Lero’s memories to learn about Earth culture!  I’ve BEEN there!  OFTEN!

He leans in closer.

DISCORD

MAYBE I’M EVEN SOMEONE YOU KNOW!

He backs away, suddenly dressed as the Nostalgia Critic.

DISCORD

Right now, my favorite bit of human pop culture is the That Guy With The Glasses website.  First, because you get all the pop culture you want... made fun of!  And a guy like me can’t help but admire a gang of nerds gathered together for the purposes of snarking and raging!  Especially since they’re so CLEVER about it, too!

Question 12: FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Dinky,

Does your dad ever tell you stories of his travels?

We’re with the Doctor and Dinky; Dinky is in her bed, with the covers pulled up as The Doctor sits on a chair, telling her stories about his past adventures.

THE DOCTOR

And so then I told Romana, ‘But you can’t wear that body!’  And Romana says, ‘I thought it looked nice on the Princess.’  And then I tell her she can’t go around wearing copies of bodies and she’d need to change it!  So Romana steps out of the room, and she comes back as this blue-skinned woman... but I encouraged her to try to look like other people, so she leaves and comes back as this brunette lady.  But I didn’t like it, so she left and came back as an eight-foot-tall woman, which was WAY too tall for any reasonable woman to be, of course, so she left the room again and...

DINKY DOO

Daddy?

THE DOCTOR

Yes, my dear?

DINKY DOO

You said Romana was a Time Lady, right?

THE DOCTOR

Yes, she was.

DERPY HOOVES

Was she drinking poison in that other room, over and over again, because you didn’t like the look of her regenerations?

An uncomfortable silence passes.

THE DOCTOR

Ah.  Well, Dinky, this is not going to be an easy thing for me to explain, but...

Question 13: Rikmach Asks:

Dear Colgate and Derpy:

I know mares tend to actively look for other mares that would be good matches for the herd and their stallion.  Have you any mares in mind?  I know you're friends with Golden Harvest and Berry Punch...  anything there?  Or someone else I've not thought of?

DERPY HOOVES

Golden Harvest!

COLGATE

Yes, definitely Golden Harvest.  I mean... Berry Punch?  I ask you: would YOU trust Berry to be a good herdmother to YOUR little daughter?  An incurable lush like that?

DERPY HOOVES

Berry IS kind of fun...

COLGATE

...As a drinking buddy, maybe.  But is Berry good for our HERD, though, Derpy?  No.  Golden Harvest would win hooves-down.  I mean... this is all hypothetical, anyway, it’s not like we’re all STARVED for another wife or anything, but if we were, Golden’s the girl I’d go for.

DERPY HOOVES

Me too!

COLGATE

After all, she’s very sweet-natured!

DERPY HOOVES

Very good with jokes!

COLGATE

Not to mention she's responsible and good with foals!

DERPY HOOVES

The carrots she grows are always delicious!

COLGATE

She comes from a wonderful family, and I hear she enjoys traveling!

DERPY HOOVES

Plus, I’ve always been the one she calls on for help when she needs a cooler-buddy!

(giggles)

I know we’re not supposed to get excited about it... coolers are something you’d do for any friend, but I’ve always loved how her moaning sounds whenever I use the cooler on her, and the SMELL of her honey pouring out is just as heavenly as yours, Colgate!  I mean, if she can get ME this excited, just using a cooler on her, think of how the Doctor will...!

COLGATE

(cringing)

Too much information, Derpy!  Too much information!

Question 14: FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Pinkie's Fourth-Wall Awareness,

So, where'd you end up?

PINKIE'S 4TH WALL AWARENESS

Well, my good Fanfic Reader Friend... The Swap’s taken a sledgehammer to all my limbs, bound me in titanium chains, shoved me in a bank vault, and dropped that bank vault down into the deepest trench in the deepest ocean and then sealed up the trench with cement.  Metaphorically speaking.  Literally speaking, the Swap wedged me on the boundary of that part of Pinkie’s brain where forgotten dreams are brought to be obliterated.

MIKE TEAVEE

In a way, it’s almost a mercy, really.  Right now, Pinkie would have enough problems learning she’s not really supposed to be an apple farmer.  Think what’d happen if she were to learn she were a fictional character, on top of that!

PINKIE'S 4TH WALL AWARENESS

Oh, buck off, author!  Go write a REAL story, why don't you?!

MIKE TEAVEE

Fine!  Maybe I will!

And Mike Teavee storms off in an angry huff.

Round Eleven: Boys' Night Out

Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Eleven:  Boys' Night Out

Spoilers Up To Chapter 16

Question 1:FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Ponyville Weather Team,

So, does the boss have a strict hooves-off policy on her "creations," or are they just too dangerous and/or elaborate to dismantle safely?

RARITY

EXCUSE me?  Just who do you take me for?  Nightmare Moon?!

(pretends to be Nightmare Moon)

I SET THE MOON IN THE SKY, AND NO PONY CAN TAKE IT DOWN, EVER EVER AGAIN!

She huffs.

RARITY

Well... I understand you’re a human, and weather works differently in your world, so I can’t be angry at you.  Here in Equestria, Weather is an art. (Although not many other ponies agree with me on that, but I strive to always prove them wrong!)  Of course, there are many different TYPES of art.  If you’re a sculptor, for example, you strive for your art to withstand the test of time.

She pulls out a BEAUTIFULLY decorated cupcake.

RARITY

Weather, as a practical art form, shares something in common with the culinary arts and... hmmm... the making of fireworks.  It’s MEANT to be a temporary, transitory display.

Bite by bite, Rarity eats the cupcake, elegantly.

RARITY

When I arrange clouds up in the sky, I do so knowing full well that eventually, other weatherponies will need to move those clouds over to other places, as needed.  So I would never booby trap them, or make them impossible to dismantle!

Rarity moves on.  Then Flitter and Cloudchaser, seeing that their boss has gone, stand before the readers

FLITTER

Generally, we wait about a half-hour to an hour to clean up her messes.

CLOUDCHASER

Otherwise, it hurts her feelings.

Question 2:Warpd Asks:

Dear Honeydew:

Mare, you have a problem if he is all you can think about. Ever thought of getting a vacation to get away from that hate? That stuff will make you age faster.

At Brown Recluse’s Tarantula Ranch, we see Honeydew in a tourist-y outfit, standing in front of spider cages full of different breeds of tarantulas... and smiling appreciatively.

At the Paraffin Sisters’ Wax Museum, we see Honeydew standing in front of wax statues depicting King Sombra having his Crystal Pony subjects be clapped in chains and yokes... and smiling appreciatively.

At the Canterlot Zoo, we see Honeydew standing in front of the  chimpanzee cage, watching a zookeeper bring out food for the chimps to eat.

HONEYDEW

(smiling appreciatively)

That’s right, monkeys, eat up... eat because we LET you eat, eat because we PONIES have decided not to starve you and provide you shelter, you’d be NOTHING here, little monkeys, so far away from home... nothing but supremely stupid apes... you don’t know how LUCKY you all are that some of us decided you looked cute...

At the Whirlpoolooza Water Theme Park, we see Honeydew, in a one piece bathing suit about to slide down the Gushing Tunnel.   She smiles appreciatively towards the reader.

HONEYDEW

Thanks for the suggestion, gibbon!  I’m having the time of my life on this vacation!

She pushes herself down the water tunnel slide.

HONEYDEW

Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

Question 3:Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Lyra:

Any idea of about when Lero arrived in Ponyville? Has he experienced any of the major disasters like Too Many Pinkie Pies or Monster attacks?

LYRA

Lero was first found in the Everfree Forest shortly after that one point in time where little Apple Bloom contracted the cutie pox.  And as far as disasters go... Rainbow Dash has always been VERY protective of her stallion.  She’d never knowingly bring him with her to a dangerous setting; so when Celestia sends the Elements of Harmony on a perilous mission, he’s often left home with Spike.

She pulls out her harp, idly playing a very simple tune.

LYRA

But when danger springs upon you by surprise, that’s a different matter, isn’t it?  Thus, Lero was there when Spike turn into a gigantic greed-dragon, and stomped the town.  He helped out when the Flim Flam brothers tried to take Sweet Apple Acres from the Apple Family.  He was ALSO invited to Princess Cadence’s wedding... of course, we were none the wiser that there’d be changelings.  I think they hung him from the ceiling in a cocoon, and Twilight’s father, Lucent, was inside the cocoon with him.

She stops playing her instrument.

LYRA

He was kept at home for the time when the Element Bearers sought to free the Crystal Empire from King Sombra AND that time when they were charged with reforming Discord.  Other than that... he was present for many of Ponyville’s other misadventures, including that time where we were stampeded by clone Pinkie Pies and when Trixie took over the town.  That answer your question?

Question 4:Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Discord:

Did you have this much fun tormenting John-Luc Picard, or was that the Final Frontier?

DISCORD

(chuckles)

As much fun as good old Picard!

Question 5:SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Lero,

Have you been remembering to take care of Twilight, too? She's not swapped, but she's having a rough time, and part of the reason you're on the exclusion list is to help keep her sane. Given her predilections toward overdoing things, it would probably not go amiss to take her away from the library for a few hours to have a nice quiet dinner out, reminding her along the way that she's part of the herd. She doesn't react well to being left alone, even when it's done with good intentions to let her work.

LERO

Well... I... I...

He draws a long sigh.

LERO

You’re absolutely right, Mr. Stride.   I really HAVE been forgetting to take care of Twilight.  I wasn’t trying to be neglectful to her or anything!  It’s just... well, I’m less magical than an Earth pony... at least Earth ponies have that one moment in their lives where a cutie mark forms!   I figured: what help would I be with the spell research phase of things, let alone actually fixing the spell?  I’d be like a blind man researching color theory!

He begins pacing the room.

LERO

And I was so worried about Rainbow Dash being torn apart by those animals... and making sure Rarity felt properly loved, I put them first!  I figured that if I could help all the Swapped find balance in their lives... and do their jobs right... it’d take all the stress off Twilight’s heart!

(has a thought)

Or... WAS there another way?  COULD I have contributed something if I’d stayed by Twilight’s side?  Even if it was just moral support...?

He thinks this over.

LERO

...But I stand by what I did!  It’s been nearly a month since Twilight BEGAN researching a cure... I don’t wanna THINK how much Dash would’ve suffered, day after day, if I’d left her all alone in that horrible cottage!  Those monsters might even have already KILLED her by this point in time!  And the smiles on all their faces whenever I spent time with them... listening to their stories...

He sits on the couch.

LERO

There’s no telling how long this cure’s gonna take.  For me, it’s not enough to see them all un-swapped at some vague point in the future.  It’s about making sure they all have good lives to return to.

He looks up, facing the readers.

LERO

And yet... all the same, Twilight has... she’s gotten so... but it’s not too late!  Things have gotten a little better since the problem began.  I think I’ll take your advice, Mr. Stride, and spend more time with Twilight, take her out of the library a bit.

Question 6:SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Lero,

If you did get turned into a pony and were then able to have foals with your girls, would you choose to do so? Or would you be a 'Trojan horse?'

Lero sits on a couch with Twilight Sparkle and Rarity.

LERO

I’d ABSOLUTELY LOVE to be a dad!  I always intended to be a father one day, ever while I was back on Earth.  But that day Twilight told me she was willing to find a way to be the mother of my child... I just felt so touched and honored the more I thought about it.  That she was willing to go to such lengths.  That she loved me THAT much!  It made ME want to bring this kid into the world as well!

He puts his arm around Twilight Sparkle.

LERO

She’s transformed me into a pony numerous times in the past I  the sake of, well, planting my bun in her oven.  And Lyra’s and...

(cautious look over at Rarity)

...my lovely lead mare as well!

Rarity smiles deeply at Lero.

LERO

Although, occasionally, when I’m turned into a pony we do things that are perfectly G-rated, as well!  Like going out to movies, eating at restaurants, hanging with friends, but as a pony!  I enjoy being able to gallop fast... but you got to watch it when you have hooves!  They’re a lot less delicate than hands are.

RARITY

We made sure he had enough practice being a pony while we weren’t in heat, so he’s not tripping over his own four legs.  Especially in the bedroom.

(sigh)

Oh, it was so CUTE, teaching him how to walk!

LERO

Another thing about the spell: they’ve tried casting it on me dozens of times for both... G-rated and R-rated activities together.  Every single time, the spell changes me into an Earth Pony, so I can’t tell you guys what having wings or casting magic’s like.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Also, the Change-To-Pony spell wears off on its own after one hundred twenty-one minutes... unless we recast the spell on him!  That adds another 121 minutes!

LERO

Though I suspect you’re wondering why we don’t have a bunch of adorable foals running around our ankles even as we speak.    Well... uh, to try and put it in layman’s terms... the problem’s not putting a bun in the oven, it’s just that... the bun never bakes right.  So to speak.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Yes.  There are spells to check for this sort of thing: we’re always able to conceive, but for some reason, something always...

(hangs her head)

...goes wrong, in the early months of the pregnancy.  I suspect I need to modify the spell in some way...

LERO

It’s a project we’ve all been working on for the longest time.

He again looks over at Rarity, sadly.

LERO

But ever since fixing Starswirl’s spell became such a big priority... we’ve had to shelve it completely.

Rarity wraps he arms around Lero’s shoulder.

RARITY

Don’t worry, my prince.  Have faith in Twilight!  She’ll fix this Starswirl nonsense, and then I know she’ll figure a way for you to give us all foals.  Just imagine!  Her foals frolicking about with mine and Lyra’s, all unwrapping Hearth’s Warming gifts together... oh, what a proud mother I’ll be!

He reaches over and strokes Rarity’s mane, not saying a word.

Question 7:SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Honeydew,

How many times were you bucked in the face before you decided to take up Rolling Earth? How many times since then?

Honeydew is dressed in a Rolling Earth uniform, practicing katas.  The ranking belt she wears is red.

HONEYDEW

For your first question: zero times.  Ponyville’s a quiet sort of place to be born and raised... or at least it WAS.  Not a lot of face-bucking to go around.  I took up Rolling Earth of my own initiative, because a stupendous mare is a fighting mare, and I am a stupendous mare.  For your second question: BUCK YOU AND BUCK THE ORANGUTAN THAT BIRTHED YOU, HUMAN!

Question 8:SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Rarity,

Lero's told you about his dreams about everypony getting their cutie marks swapped. If something like that happened, and Lyra and Honeydew got switched, so that as far as everypony in the world but you and Lero knew, the three of you had always been herding together, how would you deal with it?

Rarity is silent for a long while.

RARITY

If such a thing were to happen... I’d be absolutely, utterly heartbroken around Lyra.  To see her heaping abuses on Lero and I... to hear venom in her voice for us... that would just tear me up!  I wouldn’t ever be able to bring myself to raise a hoof against her.  I’d just run away like a coward every time Lyra came near.

She gazes toward the wall at a picture of a smiling, perfectly wonderful Lyra.

RARITY

As for Honeydew... I think around her, I’d feel emotionally paralyzed.  Any show of love I'd give her would be 90% acting.  Just the IDEA of receiving affection and love from HONEYDEW is weird!  Especially in regards to the physical... for my songbird is as much as physical girl as I am.  To kiss the lips of the one who spat so many insults at us... to pleasure the body of the mare who tried to crack my prince’s ribs...

She shakes her head.

RARITY

And yet... in the end, I think I’d go through with it.  As would Lero.  Because all we’d need to do is look at Honeydew’s Clàrsach Mark to remind ourselves that Lyra’s soul was piloting her body... and she still needed our love.

(pauses)

But do you want to know what my coping mechanism would be?  Photographs.  I’m not kidding.

She floats a camera over.

RARITY

Telekinesis lends itself well for photography, and there’s even a spell for a cameramare to see through the camera’s eye, even when it’s floating several feet away from you!  And I’d be taking a lot more pictures... of Honeydew.

(she smiles)

Kindly words and loving looks directed at us.   Friendly conversations at the dinner table.  Hugs... especially group hugs.

She begins snapping pictures, even though they’re of nothing at all.

RARITY

And when it came time for the throes of passion... ho ho ho!!!  Every time Honeydew ran her tongue adoringly upon my nethers... every time she lovingly engulfed my prince’s lance... with EITHER set of her lips... click goes the camera!  And at the end, when my sweet Sparkle-kitten figured out a cure to their Swap... or even if I had to find the cure myself... why, I’d let Honeydew have a gander at my photograph collection and see what she had to say!

Question 9: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Lyra,

If you and (normal) Rainbow Dash were to enter an 'earth pony rules' tournament where use of magic and wings was completely disallowed (and wing and horn restraints put in place to ensure it), and the two of you were pitted against each other for a round, how do you think it would go? Hoof to hoof, Dash is clearly stronger, and we know she's studied Rolling Earth and a little bit of Shattered Stone so she knows how to fight like an earth pony (even if it's not her usual style), but we don't know if you've ever dabbled in any styles other than Still Way.

LYRA

Honestly, I really haven’t studied in other martial schools, outside of the Still Way.  If you were to effectively turn us both into Earth ponies and then have us duel... yes, I think Rainbow Dash would have a very fair shot at beating me.  Especially since she’s skilled in Earth Pony schools.  I’d probably rely on getting some kind of psychological edge over her in order to win.

Question 10:Warpd Asks:

Dear Rarity,

What was your first encounter with your Sparkle-kitten like?

RARITY

Ah... of course.  You want to hear that story!

Everything blurs... then comes back into focus.

Spike and Twilight Sparkle are heading down the open road on the day the two first came to Ponyville.

SPIKE

Hmmm... there’s supposed to be a unicorn named Rarity clearing the clouds...

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

A unicorn?  Spike, you’ve got to be reading that list wrong... weather is a...

Ahead, they see Rarity, clearing clouds away.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

...Pegasus job.

Although Rarity has heard their exchange perfectly, she doesn’t let their words bother her.  They’re far from the first.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Good afternoon!

RARITY

Just a moment!  I’m ‘in the zone’ as it were.

She clears the rest of the clouds from the sky.

RARITY

Ah yes!  The sun shining bright on a cloudless day... truly, there is no better tribute to our Princess!  Rarity, you ARE a talent!

Rarity turns to face Twilight and Spike.

RARITY

Now how can I help you?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

It’s very nice to see you, Miss...?

RARITY

Rarity.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(kindly)

Miss Rarity.  My name is Twilight Sparkle, and I’m here on behalf of Princess Celestia to see that the weather for the Summer Sun Celebration is under control.

RARITY

(proudly)

Well, believe you me, when it comes to weather, you won’t find anypony more qualified or enthusiastic than I!

Then her face scrunches up.

RARITY

(to herself, under her breath)

Twilight Sparkle... Twilight Sparkle...

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well, I can clearly see that you know what you’re doing!

RARITY

Twilight Sparkle... Twilight Sparkle... I KNOW I’ve heard your name from somewhere before.  Was your name in the newspapers at some point, by chance?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well... I’m not trying to be full-of-myself when I say this, but yeah, it’s been there a few times.  Comes with being Princess Celestia’s student.

RARITY

Twilight Sparkle, Twilight Sparkle...

(it dawns on Rarity)

TWILIGHT SPARKLE!

To Twilight’s astonishment, Rarity gets right up in her face, grinning with sheer delight.

RARITY

Oh, how truly marvelous it is to see you face-to-face, my dear Miss Sparkle!  I thought I never would!  Welcome, welcome, a thousand times, welcome!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(very flustered)

I... uh....

RARITY

You don’t know who I am, do you?  Oh, it’s quite alright, it’s been at least ten years since you wrote me that wonderful letter!  I’m ‘The Girl Who Brought The Rainbows!’

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(no clue what she's talking about)

Huh?

RARITY

(slightly calmer)

Remember the day you got your cutie mark?  You were having problems getting that dragon egg to hatch, you were about to give up, when all of a sudden, a great rainbow shot past the window...

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(awed)

Your’e the Diamond Hailstorm girl!

Spike leaps from Twilight Sparkle’s back onto her head, and drops into a bow.

SPIKE

Very nice to meet you at last!

RARITY

(affably)

Oh?  And who might you be?

SPIKE

Me?  I’m the dragon egg!  Miss Rarity, you’re the one I have to thank for being born!  If not for you, unicorn foals might’ve been casting spells upon my unhatched self to this day!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(grousing)

Gosh, the way YOU put it, I almost feel like a bystander!

SPIKE

(shrugging)

Well, it’s just like they say, “You can’t start a fire without a spark!”  Besides, Twilight, aren’t I showing my eternal gratitude enough?  Each and every day I help you out with... everything?

Rarity laughs into her hoof, charmed by both of them.

RARITY

Well, I’m immensely glad to’ve helped bring you into the world, Mr. Dragon Egg!

SPIKE

Actually, they call me ‘Spike’ nowadays.

RARITY

What a fine name for you!

As Spike beams, Rarity turns to Twilight.

RARITY

Twilight Sparkle, I want to say that you’re one of the best things that ever happened in my life!  You were the one who gave me this!

Rarity twists to show off her Rainbow Mark.

RARITY

Just as I helped give you that!

She points at Twilight’s Star Mark.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(overwhelmed)

Oh, uh, wow... you’re... very welcome!

RARITY

(super-friendly)

Oh!  I’d like to show you all around Ponyville, and we can talk about what happened in our lives, since we got our marks!  I’ve had so many wonderful adventures, thanks to you... toured the world and learned from masters!  And I have so curious about what it was like being Celestia’s student... oh wow!

And she nuzzles the side of Twilight’s face.

RARITY

We’re going to be the very best of friends!  I just know it!

Twilight’s uncomfortable.  Rarity’s coming on too fast, too strong, too soon.  And there’s Nightmare Moon to worry about.

Then Rarity turns and faces the sky.

RARITY

Actually, the sun alone is looking rather plain.  I say we should add some rainbows, quite a few of them!  In honor of our...

Rarity turns around, but Twilight is galloping away.

RARITY

...First meeting together.

Everything blurs... then comes back into focus.  We’re back in the real world again.

RARITY

As you can see, it wasn’t love at first sight.  Believe me, that doesn’t actually exist.  But for me, it WAS pretty much friendship at first sight, even if Twilight, bless her, needed a little more time before she decided to accept me as a friend.  It took years for our friendship to blossom into romance, and it could never have happened without our dear Lero.

(sighs peacefully)

Such is the long and convoluted path of love.

Question 11:Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Lero:

So aside from Chuck Wagon you haven't mentioned any other herds around Ponyville. Do Time Turner or Caramel have one, if so who is in it. Any pony we know? And what exactly happens during 'Guy time' anyway? Is it really just bowling?

AND

Dear Twilight:

Lero pointed out that gender roles are reversed. How do most stallions usually act? Like Blueblood?

AND

Dear Doctor:

What do you think about your own herd?

Twilight Sparkle is in one of the larger rooms in her library, standing before a gaggle of mares, seated in chairs.  A projection screen is behind her.

Practically every mare is either a wife or a marefriend of one of the stallions of Ponyville.

From Herd Bellerophon: Lyra and Rarity.

From Herd Hooves:  Colgate and Derpy Hooves.

From Herd Cake:  Mrs. Cake

From The Apple Family: Pinkie Pie

From Herd Widescreen:  Honeydew and Ivory Keys

From Herd Caramel:  Berry Punch and Honeybee

Twilight Sparkle checks the clock; it’s about time.  The mares are all chatting amongst themselves, or helping themselves to  the snacks and drinks Twilight set out.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Everypony!  May I have your attention, please!

The other mares quiet down.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

First, thank you all for coming, ladies, on the night we all finally uncover exactly WHAT goes on during... GUYS’ NIGHT OUT!  I’m hoping tonight will be a fun, informative night, that’ll provide insight into the lives of the stallions we love!

As Twilight goes on, Honeydew scowls to her herdmate, Ivory Keys.

HONEYDEW

(hissed undertone)

Just what are we DOING here, Ivory?!  This is the lair of the enemy!

IVORY KEYS

Cool it, Dew.  I want to see what Widescreen gets up to.

Rarity spins around in her chair, gaping between Honeydew and Ivory Keys.

RARITY

(to Honeydew)

You... YOU have a herd?!  YOU of all ponies?!

IVORY KEYS

(glares at Rarity, slips an arm around Honeydew)

Why, YES.  Yes, as a matter of fact, she DOES have family of her own!

RARITY

(flustered)

It’s just... I’ve seen you with your sisters before, but never your herdmates, Honeydew!  I had no idea!

HONEYDEW

There’s a whole lot about me you know nothing about.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Ah-HEM!  Is there any TROUBLE I should know about, Honeydew?

Honeydew turns up a lip.

HONEYDEW

Nothing at all!  Nothing at all.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Okay!  So, ladies, here’s how it’ll work.  I’ve conjured up a special bit of advanced magic.  Effectively, the spell’s like a small flying camera, disguised as a housefly.  It’s call the Fly-On-The-Wall spell!

COLGATE

So we’ll be seeing them through fly eyes?  But those are segmented!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Nope!  It’s not JUST the eyes, but the WHOLE FLY that functions like a camera!

COLGATE

Huh?!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Just watch!  You’ll get the idea!

She walks over to the back of the room, powers up her horn, aims it at the screen, and soon, they’re all watching a movie.

The screen shows a security-camera-eye’s-view of a Bowling Alley... focusing on a gang of stallions.  There’s Caramel, Widescreen, Mr. Cake, Spike, Big Macintosh... and Lero, who is introducing The Doctor to the other guys.

LERO

...Our new friend!

MR. CAKE

Good to see you here, Doctor Hooves!

THE DOCTOR

It’s great to be here!

WIDESCREEN

Great to take a breather from all the estrogen in the air, am I right?

THE DOCTOR

Um, well...

CARAMEL

It’s okay!  We’re all here because the ladies CAN be a bit overwhelming, at times!

MR. CAKE

Anyway, what do you say we get right to it!

So the guys all get down to having fun.  They bowl.  They play pool.  They throw darts.  They eat pizza, (the pizza toppings might as well have been poured out of a salad bowl.)  They drink a little beer, (except for Spike, who drinks a little soda.)

Berry Punch shouts out drunkenly to the screen.

BERRY PUNCH

I don’t believe this!  This is all STUPID buddy-buddy stuff!  When’re they gonna get to the ACTION?!  The colt-on-colt love?!

Many of the mares turn towards Berry.

PINKIE PIE

“Colt-on-colt?!”

BERRY PUNCH

Yeah!  Like there’s any other reason they’d wanna get away from us mares!  I wanna see the kissing!  I wanna see the POKING!

HONEYDEW

If my stallion’s lips should get ANYWHERE NEAR that mangy human, I swear on Celestia’s crown, I’ll grab my...

Ivory Keys gives Honeydew a hard, reproachful look.

HONEYDEW

Bah!

Mrs. Cake stands up.

MRS. CAKE

Well, it’s nice to see that our boys are all getting along with each other... but I think it’s high time I return home.  Going to be an early day at the bakery tomorrow!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well, it was good of you to join us, Mrs. Cake!

Some of the other mares also get up to leave, thanking Twilight, and heading towards the door.

WIDESCREEN

(boisterous and drunk)

Hey guys!  Guys!  I’d like to play a game with you!   And I’ve even got a prize!

He holds up some movie tickets.

WIDESCREEN

Free tickets at the movie theater I own!  The game’s called ‘Best Wife, Worst Wife!’

All the mares who were about to leave sit right back in their chairs, listening attentively, as the guys on screen all express their desire to learn about this game and play along.

WIDESCREEN

Alright, here’s how you play!  Each of us takes a turn going through all the mares in our herd, each of us listing the ONE BEST, and the ONE WORST thing about each of our mares.

MR. CAKE

(nervously)

Uh... THE worst thing?

WIDESCREEN

(charitably)

The worst thing you feel comfortable confessing here at this table, anyway.

MR. CAKE

(relaxing)

Okay!

WIDESCREEN

Each of us gets 20 seconds per mare!  Thus, since Carrot Cake only has his one missus, he gets 20 seconds, while the human gets a full minute with his three!

BIG MACINTOSH

Can... can Ah count mah sister?

(blushes)

Pinkie ain’t a wife or a marefriend... but can Ah count her?

WIDESCREEN

(chuckling)

Be my guest, country boy!

Widescreen refocuses on explaining the rules.

WIDESCREEN

So after we’ve heard everypony, we each grab a napkin and cast a vote for which mare sounds best and which is worst.  But you HAVE to vote for a girl OUTSIDE your herd, that’s the key!

IVORY KEYS

Widescreen, I don’t believe you!

THE DOCTOR

(nervous laugh)

I have to confess, I don’t feel ENTIRELY comfortable playing this game...

WIDESCREEN

Come on, Doctor!  Live a little!  It’s not like they’re watching over our shoulders, that’s the whole reason we’re out here!

THE DOCTOR

Alright!

He downs a beer.

THE DOCTOR

You talked me into it!

SPIKE

I can be scorekeeper or timekeeper or whatever!

WIDESCREEN

Sounds like a plan, sport!  Everyone have a napkin and a pencil?

They do.  Since they’ve all had a few drinks, it’s loosened their tongues somewhat.

WIDESCREEN

Alright!  Let’s go clockwise around the table!  Starting with... Caramel!

CARAMEL

Well, Berry Punch is new to my herd.  Best thing about her: she’s absolutely sweet to that little daughter of hers.  Such a loving mom.

Berry Punch smiles.

CARAMEL

Worst thing is just... how much TIME she spends at the bar!  And she can drink a LOT!

BERRY PUNCH

Hey!  You KNEW what you were getting into when you agreed to date me!

And she downs some wine from a bottle she brought in.

CARAMEL

Honeybee, I’ve always loved her for all the card games she’s taught me to play!

HONEYBEE

That’s the BEST thing you can bring up about me?!  The stupid card games?

CARAMEL

The worst thing is, well... I’M SCARED OF ALL OF HONEYBEE’S HONEYBEES!  Especially when some of them follow her into the house!

HONEYBEE

(muttered under her breath)

You really ought to grow a pair one of these days, bun-bun.

WIDESCREEN

Alright!  Your turn, Mr. Cake!

MR. CAKE

Well, my sweet Cup Cake is just the most loving wife and mother.  I wouldn’t have any other pony but her.

MRS. CAKE

Aw... my sugar bear...

MR. CAKE

Worst thing is whenever all her herdparents try to keep pushing new mares on us.

MRS. CAKE

...They CAN get rather pushy.

DERPY HOOVES

You should think about welcoming more ponies into your family, Mrs. Cake! It’s not too late!

MRS. CAKE

Oh, my dear...  Me and Carrot have talked about that before, and we decided it wouldn't be fair to any poor girl who joined us.

DERPY HOOVES

Wouldn't be fair?  What do you mean?

MRS. CAKE

Oh, well... I'm bent, you see, and Carrot is well, so head over heels for me that he barely even notices other mares.  We're afraid if that we let another mare in, she'd be neglected and feel unloved.  It wouldn't be right to bring up her hopes only to dash them like that.  Maybe someday we'll find a girl that we both have a place in our hearts for, but we don't think that's likely.

All the rest of the mares fall silent, as Mrs. Cake sits herself down.

WIDESCREEN

(under breath)

Weirdo.

(normal tone of voice)

And now I think it’s my turn!  Alright, the thing I love about Ivory Keys is the way she’s so down-to-earth about everything!  I love that about her!  The worst thing, I can sum up in two words: shopping spree.

CARAMEL

Ouch!

MR. CAKE

She’s one of THOSE, is she?

WIDESCREEN

Total shopaholic!

He takes a swig of beer as Ivory Keys falls into a self-conscious silence.

WIDESCREEN

What I dislike about Honeydew...

(looks right at Lero)

Is how much she can go on and on about YOU, sir.

As Lero nods, SEVERAL of the mares in Twilight’s library shoot a look at Honeydew.

HONEYDEW

What?  You’re all looking at me like I have something to apologize for.

WIDESCREEN

What I love about my Honey is her warmth.

LERO

Warmth?!  What warmth?!

WIDESCREEN

(a little wistful and sad)

Oh, I suppose she’s never shown that side of herself to YOU, Mr. Human, but I’ve been sweet on her longer than you’ve been around for.  She’s always been very caring to me and the rest in my herd.

LERO

So how do you explain everything your caring Honey puts me through?!

WIDESCREEN

She’s just...

(sighs)

...The girl I love has gotten so obsessive about something that shouldn’t even be so important to her.  It's like she's a different person when you're around, or even the subject of you comes up!  She’s gotten completely off-track in life.   Lost her way.

(meets Lero’s eyes)

Do you have any idea what that’s like?

Lero’s silence and the shock in his eyes say that: yes, he does.

HONEYDEW

(under her breath)

Embarrassment upon embarrassment upon embarrassment.

WIDESCREEN

Well, I’m done yapping.  Mac?  You’re up.

BIG MACINTOSH

When Ah’m unable ta work, Pinkie’s unable ta work.

(smiles)

But Ah love how she’s always makin’ me smile these days.

PINKIE PIE

Ah love ya, Macky.

WIDESCREEN

Alright!  Doctor!  You’re up!

THE DOCTOR

Thank you.  What I love about Colgate is that she’s a ferociously loyal and trustworthy companion.  I’m not exaggerating when I say she actually walked through acid goo for my sake, once.  I couldn’t be prouder to share my life with a girl like her.

Colgate grins in love and affection, sniffling a little.

MRS. CAKE

Acid... goo?

COLGATE

We were on a trip, out of town.

THE DOCTOR

What annoys me is... she has this habit, WHENEVER she eats ANYTHING... even just a free sample of a cookie from a bakery, she’ll whip out her toothbrush and toothpaste right afterwards, and scrub away on the spot!

Colgate harrumphs as the other mares around her giggle.

COLGATE

(to every other mare in the room)

Oh, YOU try spending every workday staring at diseased gums and cavities and tartar and gingivitis!  You'd pick the habit up too!

THE DOCTOR

As for Derpy Hooves what I love about her is... she’s the one who got me to finally set a few roots down, after a long spell of wandering.  Changed my life forever.  But what annoys me about her is her propensity to drop objects and forget things sometimes!

Derpy Hooves laughs in embarrassment as the other mares just pass her looks.

WIDESCREEN

Alright.  That just leave one more guy.

They all turn to Lero.

LERO

My turn, then?  Alright.  What I love most about Twilight Sparkle is... just her academic mindset.  The more affection she has for you, the more she wants to learn about you.  The more she wants to teach you.  That’s how she expresses her love.  However, she CAN get a little overwhelmed under pressure.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(sadly)

It’s true.  It’s entirely true.

LERO

Rarity... I’m always touched by how easy it is for me to make her happy.

(licks his lips)

I really can’t think of a fault for her, so...

WIDESCREEN

Whoa, whoa, whoa!  Buddy... I know you love the gal... we all love ours... but you can’t think of one thing wrong with RARITY?

LERO

No, I can’t.  If that disqualifies me, then I’m disqualified, but...

WIDESCREEN

Come ON!  WE were all able to confess something wrong with OUR girls!  I mean... like how about the fact that Rarity’s violent?

CARAMEL

Or the property damage she causes!

At Twilight’s house, the ladies have all picked up on the mood.

HONEYBEE

You know, I still remember the Diamond Hailstorm!  She’s been a loose cannon since she was YOUNG!

MRS. CAKE

No offense, dearie, but you really ought to stick with TRADITIONAL weather.

IVORY KEYS

And do you HAVE to make it so weird and scary?!

Each bit of this that Rarity hears serves to dishearten her further.

MR. CAKE

...Not to mention it drives off the customers...

LERO

Actually, I take it back.  If there’s one thing I’d change about Rarity right now, it’s that I’d make it so this type of criticism didn’t hurt her as much.

Silence from both the stallions’ and mares side of things.

WIDESCREEN

Are you saying we shouldn’t complain about your girl’s mad weather?

LERO

You have the right to complain about her ‘til pigs fly, Widescreen.  All I’m saying is when Rarity hears stuff like that, it goes straight to her heart, and eats away at her from the inside.  I’d love nothing more than to remove that from her somehow... take away that pain.

Rarity stares at the screen, deeply touched.

LERO

Oh, wait, I almost forgot... I love the way Lyra’s able to switch between being so serene and tranquil and just an casual, offhanded friend.

WIDESCREEN

And her fault?

LERO

(after some thought)

She eats durians sometimes.

WIDESCREEN

DURIANS?!

MR. CAKE

Somepony actually buys those foul-smelling things?!

CARAMEL

They stink up the whole marketplace!  Why is that Lychee girl still selling them?!

WIDESCREEN

At least tell me that she eats them before coming home!

LERO

Nope!  She eats them AT home!

COLGATE

Oh, Celestia!

MRS. CAKE

That’s disgusting!

LYRA

What?!  Durians are exquisite!

IVORY KEYS

Exquisitely foul!

COLGATE

I actually ATE one on a dare... and it was like eating rotten onions!

RARITY

(trying to defend her)

Now, now, girls, it’s not like durians are Lyra’s FAVORITE fruit!  She only buys them every now and again!

LYRA

Rarity, you’re not...

HONEYDEW

(wheels on Lyra)

Your choice in ‘stallions’ is reprehensible enough... but to willingly consume that unnatural perversion of a fruit and declare it ‘exquisite?’  Have you no shame, Miss Heartstrings?!  Have you, at last, no shame?!

WIDESCREEN

Okay!  It’s time to cast our votes!  Everyone have a napkin and a pencil?

The stallions all nod.

WIDESCREEN

Good!  Now write the name of which mare you think is best, and which you think is worst.  Again: you are not allowed to vote for a mare from your own herd.  When you’re done, pass it along to Spike, and he’ll tally up the votes.

This is done.  After all the votes are collected, Spike does the math.

SPIKE

For the position of best wife: Colgate!

MANY OF THE MARES

What?!

COLGATE

Oh my Celestia... I won!  I can’t believe I won!  I never win anything in my life!

SPIKE

And for worst wife...

(regretful sigh)

Lyra Heartstrings.

LYRA

Eating durians makes me worst wife?!

(shakes her head)

Unbelievable.

HONEYDEW

You had it coming, you filly of deplorable proclivities!

(smiles towards Honeybee)

Aren’t I right, Bee?

HONEYBEE

(coldly)

Hey, Berry?  Did you hear something just now?  It almost sounded like a mare who said she would’ve happily preferred I drowned, rather than live with the shame of me being rescued by a human... one time too many.

BERRY PUNCH

I’m sure it was just the wind, Bee.

HONEYDEW

(VERY downcast)

I said I was sorry about that... MANY times...

Ivory Keys pats her shoulder sympathetically.

WIDESCREEN

So then, Doctor?  Lero?  Here are two free movie tickets for each of you, good for any movie of your choice until the end of the year.  Congratulations to you both!

As the Doctor smiles happily and Lero smiles wryly and the other stallions clap and stomp their approval, the picture fades for the mares.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well, that’s all we have time for, because my horn’s getting a little tired.  So thank you all for coming!

BERRY PUNCH

Wait, wait, wait!  We’re not just gonna let our stallions get away with this, are we?!

MRS. CAKE

Berry has a point!  It’s not right for them to talk about us behind our backs like that!

HONEYDEW

(grimly)

We must retaliate!

HONEYBEE

Tit for tat!

RARITY

Just what are you saying, Honeybee?!

HONEYBEE

I’m saying...

(grins)

We play our own game of ‘Best Husband, Worst Husband!’

MANY OTHER MARES

(ad lib, overlapping each other)

Oh yeah!  /  Sounds like a plan!  / Sounds fun!  /  I’m definitely in!

HONEYBEE

Rarity?  Do you have some pencils and napkins we can use?

Round Thirteen: Mark Removal As A Cure?

Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Thirteen: Mark Removal As A Cure?

Spoilers Up To Chapter 18

Question 1: HR Stocked Asks:

I don’t know how much Lero was able to see of Rarity’s cutie mark, but he definitely saw what was happening to Pinkie Pie’s cutie mark.  It was disappearing.  Has he ever thought about going in that direction?  Not reversing the spell but instead breaking it?  Because the violent end that Discord has him afraid of is about them fighting the spell.  If the mark’s gone, there’s no compulsion, and no false memories, (maybe.)  Even if the memories are there, at least Discord doesn’t have to mind bend the rest of the populace.

“Well, now they don’t have cutie marks.”

So?  Neither do donkeys, mules, or griffons.  It’s also possible that they might find new cutie marks, ones that they actually have a choice in.  They may not be the same ones as before, but mortals don’t go through life unchanged.”

Rarity lies asleep on the couch.  Lero sits next to her.  The Rainbow Mark on her flank is within reaching distance.

LERO

Work to remove their marks altogether?  Quite a severe solution you propose.  Doubtlessly effective, in that it’d remove the threat of the Swapped Five going homicidal.

Rarity flicks her tail in her sleep; it brushes Lero’s arm.

LERO

I will admit... I grew excited when I saw Pinkie Pie’s Apple Mark fade.  I was hoping that her old Balloon Mark would replace it.

Lero looks towards the sleeping unicorn.

LERO

How would you have me handle it, I wonder?  Drug them, perhaps, and physically cut the Marks off their flanks with a scalpel?  Or psychologically back them all into corners, and break their spirits with my words?

Lero turns coldly towards the readers.

LERO

However, you’ve forgotten to take one huge factor into consideration, HR.  And this factor is the reason I’ll NEVER adopt your approach.

He brings his hand softly upon Rarity’s Rainbow Mark, stroking it softly.

LERO

This mark, which Rarity now has, contains all the love Rainbow Dash has for me!

At the feel of his hand, Rarity smiles in her sleep.

LERO

No, not just me!  Rainbow Dash’s love for Twilight, for Lyra, for  Spike... the bonds Rainbow Dash has for all her other friends!  All her feelings, good and bad, for everyone else in her life she knows!

He draws his hand away.

LERO

And lest you think I’m simply being selfish and self-serving... consider this too: the same truism applies to all the other marks!  The Apple Mark contains all of Applejack’s love for Apple Bloom, Big Macintosh, Granny Smith, and the small army of relatives which make up the Apple Clan!  The Diamond Mark contains all of Rarity’s love for Sweetie Belle, Pearl, and Magnum!  And so on for the rest!

He takes a deep breath.

LERO

Back when I was taking driver’s ed on Earth, they told stories about guys in car crashes who got brain-damaged in such a way THAT THEY STOPPED FEELING LOVE FOR THEIR PARENTS.  THEIR FAMILIES.  THEIR FIANCÉES.  IS THAT WHAT YOU WOULD HAVE ME DO?!

Lero’s raised voice causes Rarity to stir.  He lowers his volume.

LERO

As mixed-up and unbalanced as the Swap has left those five, it at least had the decency to have them try and fill the gaps for one another.  I hate to put it so bluntly, but I find what you’re proposing to be inconceivably WORSE than the Swap!  I don’t know whether this is natural pony physiology, or whether the Swap screwed with the role a cutie mark plays... but the fact remains: if we completely took their Marks away, they’d be left feeling nothing.  For anyone.   And I could never do that to them.  I could never do that to the ponies who LOVE them.

He smiles.

LERO

Love is worth the risk.  Love is worth exerting yourself.  Love is worth preserving.  So with all due respect, HR, I’m not taking the safe and easy way out!  I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished through equilibrium, and I see no reason to stop now!

Question 2: Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Princess Celestria:

What did you think of the statue Rarity made of you? Were you able to keep it? I believe there is a nice spot in the castle gardens that Discord used to occupy if you needed a place to put it.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

I believe Rarity’s statue captures my personality very nicely!  Although I wish she could’ve made it a little less...

Staring at the statue's enormous flank, the Princess looks self-consciously at her own body.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

...large.  It would’ve been nice to put it in the spot Discord’s statue used to be, as you suggest.  Alas, it was impossible for me to keep, because it was an ice sculpture... though I did have several nice pictures of it taken!  Ultimately, I got in contact with a team of scientists I know; they told me that the dead glufferflork’s chemical composition would be useful for their needs, so I gave it to them.  It was pretty much that or find someplace for the ice sculpture to melt all over.

Question 3: FanOfMostEverything Asks:

One of your last responses begs the question: just how often does Twilight turn you into a pony?  And have you ever gotten a cutie mark out of it?

LERO

How often?  Depends whether or not the girls are in estrus.  If they’re not... I’d say about one or two... maybe three times per month.  Or two months.  Sometimes just for a few hours, others the entire day. For ALL the members of our herd, (myself included,) me being transformed into a pony is kinda like those odd days where you wake up in a mood to wear sandals instead of your regular shoes... if that makes sense.

A salacious smile curls up the human’s face.

LERO

But when the girls ARE in estrus... I spend literally half the week in pony form.  Partially because Twilight’s still testing to see whether my seed can take root in one of them... but mostly because, well, they find me especially hot as a stallion!

He chuckles.

LERO

As for cutie marks?  Maybe my humanity’s partially to blame, but I’ve yet to get one.  Every time I’m transformed, I wind up a blank flank.  But the girls only tease me lightly over it... and I’m in no great rush to become a Cutie Mark Crusader over one.

Question 4: Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Discord:

Have you ever looked outside the Xenoverse?  Do you have a favorite verse other than this one?

DISCORD

Sure do!  I’ve visited the Winning Verse, the Fallout Equestria Verse... The Upheaval Verse, but by far, my favorite other Verse is the Pony POV Verse.  Check it out!  You’ll find everything there!  Adventure!  Moral conflict!  Drama!  Friendship!  Nightmare Fuel!  Sweet Dreams Fuel!  Thought-provoking ideas!  Comedy!  Plot twists galore!  Dark comedy!  And lots and lots and LOTS of Yours Truly!

Discord gives a surprisingly DARK smile.

Question 5: Zontargs Asks:

Dear Herd Bellerophon:

While I understand that you are happy with your family as it is (any current stresses excepted), and are not actively looking for any new members, hypothetically speaking, would you be opposed in principle to adding, say, another mare, assuming you were all compatible? Or would you prefer to keep the herd at its current size indefinitely?  [Yes, I'm shipping what you think I'm shipping. Sue me.]

Lero, Lyra, and Twilight are all seated at the same table.

LERO

I think I see what you’re getting at.  As you say, we’re not actively looking for new members, but we HAVE given that matter some thought...

LYRA

It’s been the subject of much discussion in our humble little household, in fact.

LERO

Yeah.

(looks straight forward)

I speak for the whole of Herd Bellerophon when I say we would NOT be opposed to adding another member to our family.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

A member who can contribute to our family, pull her own weight, and be loving, kind, and devoted to the rest of us... that’s something that we’d love to have!

LYRA

Particularly if this member should happen to be a certain unicorn mare whose name rhymes with ‘Clarity.’

LERO

She’s gotten even better since reaching equilibrium!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Yeah.  The four adults that make up our home is NOT some unsurpassable maximum!   If Rarity the Fashionista turns out to be HALF the herdmate she’s been under the influence of Rainbow Dash’s mark, we’d all welcome her with a great red carpet rolled out!

They all nod.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(hanging her head)

That is, IF I can find a cure.

LYRA

IF Rarity’s still interested in being part of our family, after she’s no longer under that spell.

LERO

IF she decides she doesn’t want our heads on a platter.

Question 6: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Rarity, Twilight, and Lyra

Knowing that human women always have visible breasts, has it ever occurred to you that Lero might find that attractive?  If so, was the outcome hilarious, catastrophic, heartwarming, or some combination of the three?

Twilight, Rarity, and Lyra turn to look at each other.

RARITY

Do one of YOU girls want to tell them, or should I?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

I don’t want to touch this one with a ten-foot pole.

LYRA

I suppose I’ll be the one.  They’re just going to keep asking, otherwise.

(smiling to Twilight)

Don’t worry; I’ll put you in the best light that I can!

(looks to the readers)

And we’re trusting the rest of you to be mature adults about this!

Twilight groans.

LYRA

So one day, our stallion’s talking to a group of artists and writers about she-humans...

RARITY

‘Women.’

LYRA

Yes, them.  Anyway, he’s talking about how human society sexualizes the... permanently swollen breast.  One of the writers asks Lero whether he misses breasts of that sort, here in Equestria.  His answer?  “What can I say?  Part of me always will.”  That might’ve gotten under Twilight’s skin a bit...

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

It did.

(hard snort)

‘Part of me always will...‘

LYRA

For several days, Twilight said nothing about it to Lero, but then, one night, she gets REALLY plastered.  Now, there ARE spells on the books to make mares lactate, but our girl Twilight... in a stroke of surly, drunken genius... finds a way to  conjure FULL BREASTS for herself that DON’T produce milk.  Human-style breasts on her own equine self!

Twilight Sparkle gives an unhappy, hangover-style MOAN.

RARITY

Wait, Lyra, let me tell this part!

(she turns to the readers)

And so, still drunk while it’s the dead of night, she trots up to Lero, who’s fast asleep in bed, lowers her haunches so those those big breasts of hers smoosh square in his face and when his eyes snap open, she asks him: “Were THESE what you’re missing so badly?”

In spite of themselves, all three of them laugh, even Twilight.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

It took me FOUR DAYS to find a way to counter that spell!  I felt SO self-conscious with those things on me!  Ponies kept asking me where I was hiding the foals and trying to guess who the father was!  They were practically scraping the ground!  I felt NAKED with those giant things dangling from my underbelly... naked in the HUMAN sense of the word!

(smaller, shyer voice)

But it wasn’t ALL bad.  Lero had a way of massaging them that felt REALLY NICE.  And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

Question 7: Warpd Asks:

Dear Lady,

Go away, no one likes you.

Her Ladyship stares forward at you with fathomless eyes.

HER LADYSHIP

Cá bhfuil mo ridire?

Ba mhaith liom mo ridire.

Beir mo ridire.

The intensity in her voice brings goosebumps to your flesh.

Question 8: Warpd Asks:

Dear Dinky Doo:

Whenever Lero is over to watch you does the TARDIS sometimes steal you both away for a quick adventure?

DINKY DOO

Hasn’t happened yet... but knowing the TARDIS, it’s only a matter of time before Lero DOES get brought along on one of Dad’s journeys!  Practically all you have to do is come over the house long enough, and one way or another, you’re practically fated to get sucked into one of our adventures!  I wonder if that’s part of why he volunteers to foalsit me so often?  I just KNOW Lero’s going to be the universe’s BEST companion, because he’s already the universe’s best foalsitter!  Ask me that question again some other time!

Question 9: Taffer Asks:

Dear Discord:

Is Celestia promising you anything for your cooperation in this?

Discord swivels around in a swivel chair.

DISCORD

Why, yes!  As a matter of fact... she is!  Now, you didn’t hear this from me... but she promised me that in exchange for maintaining the Bewitchment for however-long the Swap lasts for... I GET TO CREATE MY OWN SAPIENT RACE!  Yes, indeed!  Oh, with one perfectly agreeable caveat: they have to be just as good-natured as ponykind is.

He does a happy loop-the-loop in the air.

DISCORD

Now, you didn’t hear this from me either, but I’d’ve done it for FREE just for Fluttershy’s sake... but Celestia thought I ought to get some reward out of the deal, and frankly, it didn’t take much convincing!  Now the only problem is: I can’t decide what kind of race I should get?  Mortal Draconequui made into my own image?  Humans, maybe? Or... how’s THIS for a possibility: I go and pick some random animal: dogs, pigs, gophers, panda bears... or KANGAROOS!  Sapient kangaroos; that’s what the world’s been lacking!  Or I could bring a dinosaur race back to life... I just... can’t... DECIDE!  I’ve been reading up on so many illustrated science fiction pieces for inspiration...

Suddenly, a cuckoo bird jumps out of a floating cuckoo clock.

CUCKOO BIRD

Lero alert!  Lero alert!  Lero alert!

DISCORD

Oh, NO!  He’s at it AGAIN?!

The draconequus snaps his fingers, teleporting him straight to Lero’s side.  Lero is coming up to Sweetie Belle.  Discord is completely imperceptible to both mortals.

LERO

Hey, Sweetie Belle?

SWEETIE BELLE

Yes, Mr. Lero, sir?

LERO

I’ve got some questions I’d like to ask about your sister.  Got a second?

SWEETIE BELLE

Sure!  I just LOVE talking about Applejack!

Discord gives a LONG-suffering sigh.

DISCORD

(to himself, as a mantra)

The harder the battle, the sweeter the victory, the harder the battle, the sweeter the victory...

Question 10: Taffer Asks:

Dear Berry Punch:

Red red wine. UB40 or Neil Diamond?

BERRY PUNCH

Merlot, of course!

And Berry Punch pops the cork on the bottle she has, raises the bottleneck to her lips and takes a long, long chug of red, red wine.

Round Fourteen: Black Milk

Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Fourteen: Black Milk

Spoilers Up To Chapter 19

Question 1: BadWolf9510 States:

Chun an Ridire,

Cé chomh fada is a cheapann tú gur féidir leat mheabhlaireachta na capaillíní? Agus nach bhfuil mé ag caint faoi na "babhtála".

Lero is in the kitchen of Golden Oaks Library.

Once again, the sound of the Messenger’s voice -- or more specifically, the Messenger’s bizarre language -- affects Lero.  He squeezes his eyes shut.  His eyes reopen.  And again, he begins acting ‘not-himself.’

LERO

(flippantly, mock-delight)

Tá a fhios agat mar gheall ar an Babhtáil? Sin iontach! Conas a fuair tú ina luí Discord a chur san áireamh tú ar a liosta? An bhfuil aon léargas, maidir leis an leigheas a lorg againn? Cuidíonn gach giotán! Fluttershy riachtanais a insint scéalta grinn go maith. Conas ba chóir dom dul faoi sin? Applejack riachtanais chun tús a dhéanamh éadaí maith. Cad is féidir liom a dhéanamh chun spreagadh di? Ba bhreá liom a chloisteáil cad a bheadh an bhean uasal comhairle a thabhairt faoi mo fadhbanna!

From the kitchen, Lero proceeds towards his OLD house, the one which Twilight attached to her library when she accepted him as her herdmate, years ago.

HER LADYSHIP’S MESSENGER

Cé chomh fada agus is féidir leat iad a choinneáil as a fhios agam an fíor duit?

LERO

(curtly)

"An fíor dom?" Tá sé cibé duine shocraíonn mé mé.

He re-enters his old bedroom.  From here, Lero hunts through his room, searching for some long-forgotten item.

HER LADYSHIP’S MESSENGER

Is é Bellerophon an masc léiríonn tú iad.

LERO

(furious)

“Masc?!”  MASC?!

Lero’s search takes on an angry, violent quality.

LERO

(yelling in anger)

Is é Bellerophon an fear maith a bhí mé ar ais ar an Domhan!  Is Bellerophon rud ghoid tú ó dom i láthair na huaire gcruthófar mé mé féin a bheith duine éigin a bhfuil a saol a bhí fiú a chaomhnú!  Mo ainm!  Mo cuimhní!  Mo mhoráltacht!  Agus bhí sé le fada, próiseas mall, freisin!

He’s ripping drawers straight out of his dressers, flings things off his shelves, and upends his bed.

LERO

Ach fuair mé é go léir ar ais sa deireadh. Agus am SEO, ní bheidh mé in iúl aon cheann de dó dul!  Níl mé chomh lag mar a bhí mé uair amháin!

HER LADYSHIP’S MESSENGER

Chuala mé na scéalta, na scéalta an ridire mór go mharbh gach ceann de na bagairtí is mó dár bhean uasal, ceann ar cheann.

Finally, Lero finds what he was looking for: a very normal-looking brown briefcase, like that a traveling businessman might bring on a train ride.

LERO

(sounding delighted)

Conas is aoibhinn! Choimeád siad ag insint na scéalta faoi gach rud a rinne mé mar an Ridire? Sea, bhí sé maith an ridireacht spreagúil. Mar sin, go leor cathanna. Mar sin, go leor misean. Fuil an oiread sin agus feola.

There is a number lock combination on the side of the briefcase.  Lero spins the combo in.

HER LADYSHIP’S MESSENGER

Chuala mé na scéalta faoi tú agus an bhean radanta bail ar fónamh tú os cionn gach duine eile.

LERO

(softer, almost wistful)

Sea, bhí an bhean uasal fíor radiant. Agus rinne mé an oiread sin as a son.

HER LADYSHIP’S MESSENGER

Agus feall tú í.

LERO

(unapologetic)

Is oth liom rud ar bith. Bhí sí fealltach. Tuillte sí chun a feall.

Click!  He opens the briefcase.  Inside:  the disgusting, threadbare rags of a once-white shirt, denim blue jeans, tennis shoes, white socks, and a set of briefs.

The very clothes he’d been wearing when he’d first arrived in Equestria.

He searches through the pockets of his jeans.

HER LADYSHIP’S MESSENGER

Cé chomh fada agus go dtí go tú iad a thréigean freisin?

LERO

(in English, while sneering)

Oh, ye of little faith!

At last, Lero’s found what he’s really been looking for: a glass container filled with milky tar-colored liquid.  It looks like an extra-wide test tube.

Lero pops the stopper off and drinks nine-tenths of its contents.  Seconds later, he vomits into his mouth... but swallows it back down.

He coughs.  He gasps.  He is his old self again.

He watches the remaining tenth of black liquid self-replenish; filling right back up to the volume it had been at originally.

Words have been scratched deep into the glass of the tube.   Lero puts the stopper back on, then holds the tube horizontally to read what the words say:

YES, THE BLACK MILK TASTES EXTREMELY VILE.

Lero spins the test tube so he can read the next line.

BUT REMEMBER:

Lero spins to the next line.

DRINKING IT HELPS REPEL THE LADY AND HER MINIONS.

Lero spins the tube again.

SO DRINK.  AND DO NOT VOMIT.

Lero spins the tube once more to read the final line.

ALWAYS LEAVE ENOUGH SO IT MAY REPLENISH ITSELF.

Question 2: Felyon Asks:

Dear Angel.

I can imagine how unpleasant the Stare must be, but Rainbow does provide shelter and food without asking anything in return. Is love not about giving and receiving?

An extra-large length of paper has been laid out upon the floor.  A VERY strung-out Angel Bunny takes a pencil in his mouth, and writes on the paper.  Hard though it is to read, his message says this:

ANGEL BUNNY

STARE DIFFERENT NOW.

NEW STARE NOT LIKE OLD STARE.

OLD STARE QUICK-FREEZE.

NEW STARE DIFFERENT.

SEE MAMA NEW STARE?

YOU WANT RUN.

RUN AND NO EVER STOP.

BUT RUN FROM MAMA SUPER BAD IDEA.

NO MATTER WHERE RUN

NO MATTER WHERE FLY

NO MATTER HOW DEEP DIG DOWN

SHE FIND YOU.

SHE MIND-SMELL YOU!

SMELL WHERE YOU BE WITH MIND!

SHE BRING YOU BACK HOME.

O. B. E. D. I. E. N. C. E.

MAMA SUPER MAMA.

MAMA GIVE FOOD.

MAMA SHARE HOME.

MAMA STRONG!

MAMA SUPER STRONG!

MAMA SUPER SUPER STRONG!

MAMA NO LET ANIMALS EVER FORGET SHE ALPHA FEMALE!

WHO ALPHA MALE?  WHO NEW PAPA?

BULL VOICE FROM VOICE BOX!

HURT MAMA NOW?  NO OBEY NOW?

SUPER O. B. E. D. I. E. N. C. E.

SHE GIVE HOME!  SHE GIVE FOOD!

WE BE GOOD BOYS AND GIRLS!

ANIMALS WERE MEANT TO OBEY!

OBEDIENCE IS NOW THE ONLY WAY!

Question 3: Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Doctor,

What did you think of Lero wearing a copy of your old threads?

THE DOCTOR

At first, I worried my human friend had reached a DANGEROUS level of fanboy-ism.  You know, the creepy type where they start breaking into your house for souvenirs.  So I immediately went back home but the old Technicolor Nightmare was right at where I’d left it aboard the TARDIS.  I only still keep it out of nostalgia... I mean, my Sixth Incarnation wasn’t ALL bad, after all!

He chuckles.

THE DOCTOR

Poor Peri, what a saint...

(normal speaking voice)

Anyway, I next assumed that Lero had custom-ordered it from Applejack, but when I spoke to the girl, she told me how it come from her ‘muse,‘ and she had no idea what she was making while she was making it.  Much like the Technicolor Nightmare’s original tailor!

There’s the sound of a rimshot behind the Doctor, and he turns and smiles at Dinky Doo, who is sitting behind a set of drums.

THE DOCTOR

Anyway, when all's said and done, I have two thoughts on Lero wearing my Sixth Self’s getup.  Thought #1:  My guess is that the Swap, itself, is getting a wee bit irritated with Mr. Michealides’ intrusion into its affairs.  So it compelled poor Applejack to fashion a copy of the worst garment in the universe, this side of Lady Gaga’s wardrobe, as a form of petty affairs.  Only it backfired because it turned out Lero’s a fan of mine.  Thought #2:  I’m glad SOMEBODY likes it!

Question 4: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Doctor,

Were some of your regenerations colorblind?

The Doctor rolls his eyes.

THE DOCTOR

If this is yet another clever jab at what my Sixth Self liked to wear... well, what can I say?  I’m pretty sure that ALL of us have gone through that embarrassing phase in our lives where our fashion sense goes all wonky.  But assuming you’re asking that question in earnest: no, none of my regenerations were colorblind, thank heavens.  Not even Number Six.  Six was just plain tasteless... I mean, even someone who could only see in MONOCHROME, would at least know better than to wear something so patchy!  Although my Eighth Self DID end up developing mild astigmatism.  True story.  But I didn’t let it impede me in my adventuring.

Question 5: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Lero,

I heard about one of those guys who got brain damage and lost his ability to feel emotions. I hear that in his case, things worked out for the best anyhow. Did you ever meet him?

Lero’s face lights up in fond remembrance.

LERO

Ah... good old Gus!  Yes, I met him, and I’m glad I did!  What a pleasure it was having him around!  He was just so smart, and it was so cool being able to speak to another human being, and he was just fun to talk to him!  There’s a part of me that’s still a little sorry he ended up returning to Earth!

Lero comes up closer towards the readers.

LERO

Hey, all you guys out there... you wouldn’t happen to know what ended up happening to Gus?  Did he arrive home safe?  Is he living a good life?  Are things better for him?  Has he mentioned anything about me or the rest of us here in Equestria?  I’d love to know!  And if you do see him, please tell him we all wish him the best!

Question 6: FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Pinkie:

What’s your favorite rodeo event?

PINKIE PIE

Well, when it comes ta the best part a’ rodeos, it’s a bit of a tossup fer me.  It’s like... half of me really enjoys barrel racing... it’s real intense weavin‘ yer way round the barrels fast as yew can!  Really gets the blood pumpin’, and Ah always participate innit!  But the other half of me... well, this ain’t so much an ‘event’ in ‘n’ of itself, but the other half of me’s ALWAYS liked rodeo clowns!  Ah ain’t ever been one ‘a them fillies that got all scared a’ clowns... there’s ALWAYS been a soft spot ‘n’ mah heart fer ponies that try ta be silly ‘n’ make others laugh!

Then a weird, almost glazed, look enters Pinkie’s eyes.

PINKIE PIE

Ah oughta think ‘bout volunteerin’ ta be a clown, at the next rodeo.  Sumthin’ tells me Ah’d be... pretty good at it...

And Pinkie leaves, her head in a fog of thoughts.

Question 7: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Pinkie Pie,

What are all your friends like when they get drunk? If there are any you haven't yet seen drunk, please conduct the experiment and then report the results.

Pinkie Pie is in her barn.  It looks as though a party took place here, and she’s helping clean it up.

PINKIE PIE

Weeeeeelp, lemme see... when Twilight Sparkle gets drunk she becomes a real philosopher.  Like, 100 times more so than usual.   Really rambly one, too.  Ah once spent three quarters of an hour listenin’ ta her gab about stuff like “If we’d all been given different names, would we’ve grown up to be different ponies?” and “Does the number 2 actually exists?” and all Ah got outta it was that Twilight needed ta read a bit less.

She collects empty mugs and dirty dishes from the tables and places them on trays.

PINKIE PIE

Rarity... well, here’s the thang, before Lero came inta the picture, when Rarity got real drunk at a party, somepony was guaranteed ta go home lucky.  She’d go around hittin’ on other ponies until she found one just as drunk ‘n’ frisky as she was, and they’d head off fer a one-night stand.  Kinda embarrassin’ ta watch, frankly.  But after Lero came ‘n’ started wearin’ her flower... she’d get drunk and LERO was guaranteed ta go home lucky.  Then later, Twilight ‘n’ Lyra too.

(sighs)

Gotta hand it ta her: Miss Gets-Around don’t even LOOK outside her herd no more, since findin’ her prince.

(snorts)

But that don’t make it any less embarrassin’, watchin’ ‘er git frisky.

Big Macintosh comes in.  With amazing steadiness and delicacy, he takes one of the trays -- balancing it atop his head -- and heads towards the farmhouse for the mugs to be washed.

PINKIE PIE

Applejack’s pretty much yer textbook-case “sad drunk.”  Put enough hooch in ‘er, and ya get ta hear her moanin’ and groanin’ about all the opportunities she missed, everythang she SHOULD’VE dun with ‘er life, how she’ll jest amount to a flash ‘n’ the pan, and she’s not really a good pony deep down... blah de blah blah...

She begins sweeping.

PINKIE PIE

When Lyra gits sloshed... well, when she ‘n’ Rarity aren’t feelin’ each other up, Lyra gits surprisingly COMPETITIVE.  Mostly, drinkin’ contests, but she’s does other stuff, like singing contests, dancin’ contests, food-throwin’ contests... Ah remember there was this one time this other mare approached Lyra, both drunk as skunks, and she challenged Lyra to a fight, ‘cuz she wanted ta throw down with a Still Way grandmaster.  So Lyra... Lyra jest sat the mare down and talked her problems out.  Ended up helpin’ her a lot.

There’s a stubborn stain on the floor: Pinkie has to put in extra effort to scrub it out.

PINKIE PIE

Fluttershy... she’s the life of the party.  She dances.  She sings.  She karaokes when there’s a karaoke.  She’s like  ‘er usual self, but with less hoof-ta-eye coordination.

Pinkie stops cleaning and takes a breath.

PINKIE PIE

Lero... if AJ’s the ‘sad drunk,’ then Lero’s the ‘happy drunk.’  Nice ta be around, as far as drunks go, fun ta listen to, fun ta talk to, a lot like mah brother when HE gets drunk.  More times than not, those two stallions git drunk together!  That’s when ya gotta keep ‘n eye on ‘em, together, the two a’ them git IDEAS.

There’s a bottle of whiskey on one of the tables.  Pinkie grabs it.

PINKIE PIE

As for Rainbow Dash?  She’s the only one Ah ain’t seen drunk, cuz she don’t drink... but today, we’ll do the experiment yew wanted done, and find out what she’s like when plastered.

She heads outside.  Discord is with Rainbow Dash; his body coiled around her like a snake, staring straight into her eyes, hypnotizing her.

DISCORD

(hypnotically)

Booze gives you a better perspective on life, alcohol makes you feel wonderful, you’ve been missing out on a good thing all this time, you deserve to have some fun...

Back when they had been enemies, Discord’s mind-warping had desaturated the color of Rainbow Dash’s body, turning it grey as her heart turned nasty and spiteful.

Something similar to that is happening now, but instead of grey, Dash’s body takes on the amber shade of beer or brandy.

Discord backs away.  Rainbow Dash turns around towards Pinkie Pie, licking her chops at the sight of the whiskey bottle she’s holding.

RAINBOW DASH

Hey, Pinkie Pie?

PINKIE PIE

Yeah, Dashie?

RAINBOW DASH

I’m feeling might thirsty...

TEN MINUTES LATER

As though shot from a cannon, a grinning, amber-colored Rainbow Dash rockets through the barn’s roof; one forehoof outstretched like a superhero in flight.  A screaming Pinkie Pie has wrapped herself around Dash’s neck, holding on for dear life.

RAINBOW DASH

TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!!!!

Question 8: Feylon Asks:

Dear Twilight:

"How is your research in pony / human reproduction going? I know it's not a priority right now, but all that research about body- and mind swaps should have some parallels, right?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Parallels?  I’m sorry, I’m not quite following you...

FEYLON

With the number of different sentient species in your society, your situation should have precedents.

This sparks an idea in Twilight.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Now that you mention it... I do remember reading about this unicorn mare who married a griffin!  She turned herself into a griffin so she could be the mother of his chicks!

FEYLON

If turning him in to a stallion won’t work, what about a dragon?

Twilight gives it some thought.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well... anything’s worth trying once!

FEYLON

I'm sure Spike will be happy to have a drake pal.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Yeah!

Weeks have now passed.  Herd Bellerophon is up upon a mountaintop.  The place looks like a lot of fires have burnt themselves out, up here.  They are all seated, catching their breath.  It’s been a long climb up!

LERO

(huffing and puffing)

So... here we are.

He takes a drink of water from a water bottle.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Yes.  We’ve reached our destination.

She looks around the place.

LERO

A dormant volcano.

RARITY

Not the sort of place a girl expects to spend heat season.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well according to my research, dragons in love would find a place like this incredibly romantic.

LERO

A place like this?  Why?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

It’s said dragon lovers have a tradition of digging the magma out of this volcano and bathe together in it as they make love.

LERO

I... think we ought to pass on that for now, don’t you, girls?

LYRA

Yeah.

RARITY

Quite.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well then, let’s get down to business!  Who’d like to be a dragon first?

There is a hesitant pause among the herdmates.

RARITY

 Me.  I’ll do it.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

That’s awfully brave of you!

RARITY

What can I say?  I really want to be the mother of Lero’s child!  And if this is the way to do it, then so be it!

LERO

(shakes his head)

Rarity, I love you to pieces, but some days, I think you may be just a LITTLE bit on the nutty side.

RARITY

I can’t quite disagree with you, there.  But love makes us all a little nutty, doesn’t it?

LERO

I guess so.

Twilight takes out a spell book, reads over a certain page, then shuts the book.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Okay!  Here goes nothing!

Twilight casts the spell.  Magical light engulfs Rarity, transforming the unicorn into a fully grown DRAGON.

Rarity the dragon has white scales and purple spines.  A single horn curves out from the center of her forehead, but longer, and curved like a saber.  She’s GIGANTIC.

And unbelievably, she still has Rainbow Dash’s cutie mark in her new dragon form.

RARITY

Oh!  Oh, MY!

LYRA

(calling up from down below)

How do you feel?

RARITY

Very, very large!

She spins around in a circle, getting used to her new dragon limbs, stretching out a pair of wings at her back.

RARITY

Wings!  I have wings!  What a wonderful transformation this is!

Rarity then studies her new clawed dragon hands.

RARITY

Fingers too!  So these are what fingers feel like!

She bends them, clenches them, then looks down to her herdmates.

RARITY

Lyra, would you be a dear and dump all those emeralds we brought onto the ground?  I want to try picking something up with my new fingers!

Lyra does so: removing her saddlebags, and shaking out a number of large emeralds.

With the awkwardness of a lady eating with chopsticks for the very first time, Rarity takes an emerald.  Instead of picking it up between her forefinger and thumb, she picks the gem up using her ring finger and middle finger.

She brings it to her mouth and eats it.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

So how DOES it taste?

RARITY

Ohhh... so yummy...

She helps herself to another emerald.  It crunches loudly in her powerful new jaws.

RARITY

Mmmm... I could eat these all day!  They’re like fruit!  They’re like rock candy!  They’re like fruity rock candy!  But at the same time, they’re unlike any fruit I’ve ever tasted!  All I know for sure is that they’re sweet!

She reaches for a third.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Hey!  Save some for the rest of us, why don’t you?  Some of us may want to turn ourselves into dragons after you!

RARITY

Oh!  I’m sorry, my loves, it’s just so hard not to be greedy in this new form.

Then she spots Lero.  Smiling, she picks the surprised human up,  (between her middle and ring finger again) by the center of his body.  Dropping him into the palm of her other hand, she holds him up to her eye level.

RARITY

(adoringly)

LOOK at you!  Oh, just LOOK at you, my prince!  You’re just ADORABLE at this size!

LERO

(nervous, beginning to sweat)

C-careful with me, Rarity!  You’re WAY bigger than me now, and you’re not used to having hands!  I don’t think you know your own strength.

RARITY

Mmm... I could just... EAT you RIGHT UP!

Her teeth are like rows of swords.

LERO

(REALLY sweating)

T-tell me you don’t mean that literally!  Please!

RARITY

Ohhh, you know I’d never bite you...

She strokes his head with the side of her very large and clawed pinky finger.

RARITY.

(big spiky grin)

...TOO hard!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

That’s enough of that, Rarity!  Making you a dragon is only half the job done... we need to transform Lero, too!  Set him down so he can undress.

Rarity returns Lero to the ground.

LERO

(beginning to strip)

Why do I always let you girls talk me into stuff like this?

RARITY

Hold on... before you change him... give me a chance to try out my wings, too!  I want to fly!

And she takes to the air.

Meanwhile, back at Golden Oaks Library, Spike is gazing out Twilight’s telescope, looking in the direction of the dormant volcano the rest of his herd’s at.  Suddenly, he spots Rarity the Dragon, twirling through the sky.  He recognizes her, especially, by the cutie mark she has.

SPIKE

(smitten anew)

Ohhhhh, Rarity, you’re even LOVELIER than before!  So graceful!  So nimble in the air!  Such a dazzling shimmer to your scales!  Your draconic beauty is beyond compare!

Back at the dormant volcano... Rarity lands back on earth.

RARITY

That was INVIGORATING!

LERO

(now naked)

How is it you could fly so well with your new wings?!

RARITY

Oh, my love, this is hardly the FIRST time I’ve been given magical wings!  And it comes naturally to me: unicorn though I am, I was MADE to fly!

LERO

(regarding her cutie mark)

I suppose so.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Now it’s your turn, Lero!

Her horn flares.

Returning back to Golden Oaks, Spike is once again staring through his telescope... and he sees something that causes his heart to break.  A second dragon flies up in the air next to Rarity.  He’s male, and his scales are the same color as Lero’s hair and beard.

SPIKE

No... no... please, no...

Lero flies clumsily, but Rarity demonstrates the right way to fly, and soon, they’re joyfully spinning figure-eights around each other in the air.

SPIKE

(bawling)

IT’S NOT FAIR!  IT’S NOT FAIR!  IT’S NOT FAIR!  IT’S JUST NOT FAIR!!!!!!!

He rolls up into a ball on the floor.

SPIKE

(through his tears)

Twilight... cast a spell!  Cast a spell for me and make it all fair!

ONE WEEK LATER

The adults of Herd Bellerophon have returned from their journey.

RARITY

We’re home, Spike!

SPIKE

(dully)

Welcome back, guys.

TWILIGHT SPIKE

Hey, Spike!  You were right: sapphires DO taste better than topazes!  Got to find that out for myself!

SPIKE

Huh?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

And guess what?  we brought a special surprise for you!

Lyra levitates three dragon eggs into the house.

LYRA

Tah-dah!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Look, Spike!  It’s your new brothers and sisters!  The purple one’s mine, the greenish one’s Lyra’s, and the speckled white one’s Rarity’s!

Spike looks at all the eggs.

SPIKE

Are they going to be dragons?

RARITY

Yes, Spike, we’re pretty sure they will be!  We’ll want to look into setting up something where they can incubate properly... but isn’t this fantastic?!  We’re all going to be mothers!  Lero’s going to be a father!  And you have a big responsibility as a new older brother!

She squeals in happiness and victory and stands on her hind legs to hug Lero.

Spike walks over to the window and stares out it.

SPIKE

A human and three mares... one of them a SWAPPED PONY... got together and produced DRAGON CHILDREN.

The young dragon looks straight upwards, now addressing God Almighty.

SPIKE

A smidgen... just a SMIDGEN of normality!  Is that REALLY too much to ask for with this family?!  HUH?!

(sighs, then smiles)

On the bright side, though, a few more dragons to talk to shouldn’t be bad at all.  Brothers and sisters, huh...?

Question 9: FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Scootaloo,

Ever think of starting up a fan club for Ponyville's one and only weather unicorn?

Scootaloo is whizzing along on her scooter as she talks to us.

SCOOTALOO

Already on it!  Our club’s called “The Rare Weather Watchers,” and we’re devoted to appreciating the awesome one-of-a-kind, no-other-pony-does-what-she-does weather that Rarity brings!  These days, ponies are ALWAYS stopping by that library she lives in... why?  Not for books!  They don’t even go inside the library!  No, they stop by to gaze in awe at the weather she cooks up around her house!

She stops her scooter close to the library, pointing at it.

SCOOTALOO

Just look for yourself, why don’t you?   Shutterbugs snapping pictures of the weather she conjures!  Artists drawing pictures of it on their easel-things!

It IS an amazing scene.  Somehow, Rarity’s built a SNOW CASTLE around the Golden Oaks Library tree.  And it’s still springtime.  And just as Scootaloo said, passers-by stop to stare in AWE and take pictures, and yes, there are even painters copying the scene onto portraits.

SCOOTALOO

But beyond even her weather, Rarity’s just an all-around cool pony!  She’s a hero who saved the town, she’s the Element of Loyalty who’s helped save the world from Nightmare Moon and Discord and more and she’s ALWAYS really nice to me and teaches me how to handle clouds and all kinds of cool stuff!

Then she gives a bashful sort of laugh.

SCOOTALOO

  Our membership’s not that big just yet... since I only just started the club today.  Only three members, including me.  But just you wait!  Rarity’s popularity is catching like wildfire, so our fan club’s going to grow by leaps and bounds!

Question 10: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Spike,

You are Best Pony. Helping out Rainbow Dash even when Lero can't bring himself to live up to his end of the bargain because you're just that kind and loyal (even taking recent events into account - and by that combination, you're still the New Rainbow Dash). Holding up like a trooper when Twilight's on an extended research bender, Lyra wasn't there, Lero was busy trying to save the town, and Rarity was thinking of you like a son, all without snapping like Lero or Twilight did, or without getting the kind of emotional support Lyra got? Yeah, that's Noble Dragon stuff right there. Anyhow! Have you been having 'bad dreams' lately that might necessitate a white-coated mare sharing her bed so you can sleep?

It’s the middle of the night.  Rarity is asleep in bed, spooned agains Lero.

Suddenly, she feels a light poking on the side of her body.  She comes awake, flips her body over, and sees Spike, standing there, anxious and troubled.

RARITY

Spike?  What’s the matter?

SPIKE

I... I had a really bad dream.

RARITY

A bad dream?

He looks up at her with puppy-dog eyes.

SPIKE

Can I sleep with you tonight, Rarity?

RARITY

Of course, sweetie, of course.

She lifts Spike up with telekinesis and wraps her arms around him.  He snuggles into her chest.

RARITY

May I ask what your bad dream was about?

SPIKE

I dreamt I became a bad, greedy awful dragon.

RARITY

You mean like that time you grew to humongous size?

SPIKE

It... might as well have been like that.

RARITY

Oh, you poor thing!

Unhappily, he nestles closer against her.

SPIKE

And the worst of it was, I ended up ruining my family because I was so greedy and shortsighted!

RARITY

Ssh.  Ssh.  You’re not like that at all.

SPIKE

Are you sure I’m not?

RARITY

Absolutely sure.  You do so much for us.  You’re the noblest dragon I know, and the most selfless!  Every day, I see you growing up more and more, and it fills my heart with pride.

She hugs him.

RARITY

I love you, Spike.

He pulls away from her grip, just slightly, just to look her in the eye.

SPIKE

Rarity?  Would you say that to me again?  What you just said?

RARITY

(with a wonderful smile)

I love you, Spike.  I love you with all of my heart.

It’s as though a long-held dream of Spike’s has finally been realized.

SPIKE

I love you too, Rarity.  I... I know I don’t tell you that nearly often enough, but I love you too, with all my heart.  I always have.

He gives her a soft, quick kiss.  She kisses him back.

Happily and lovingly, they both nestle into each other and fall back asleep.

Round Fifteen: Bewitchment Meets Failsafe

Round Fifteen: Bewitchment Meets Failsafe

Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Fifteen: Bewitchment Meets Failsafe

Spoilers Up To Chapter 19 + Chapter 20 Sneak Peek Excerpt

Question 1: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Twilight,

Would your Failsafe Spell or your memory spell break Discord's memory alterations? Theoretically.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

You know something?  Theoretically... I think those ideas might work!  Except I’m certainly not going to undo the bewitchment, not until my Swapped friends are cured!   It would RUIN them all if that spell were broken early...!

SPINEL STRIDE

...if you felt like trying it, it would be amusing to see Honeydew get her regular memories restored but no one telling her what's happened!

Slowly, a dark sort of smile trails up Twilight’s face.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

You know... Honeydew HAS been more insufferable than usual, of late.  And I’m feeling both vindictive AND experimental!  Always a winning combination!

(to herself, forming a plan)

A modified version of the failsafe spell would probably work best, one which affects a single individual, rather than an entire area... but the key would be waiting for JUST the right day...

SEVERAL DAYS LATER...

Lero and Rarity are at the marketplace, shopping for groceries.

Twilight Sparkle tails them from a distance.  Though the odds are against her, she’s waiting to see if maybe, just maybe...

Yes!  There she is: Honeydew!  Twilight sees the miserable mare’s eyes fall upon her other two herdmates, further ahead.  Honeydew heads over, clearly intent on giving them grief.

Twilight follows her.

RARITY

So, darling, since we both know it’s ONLY a matter of time before Twilight figures out a way for us to have children... would you mind telling me a few good human names?  So I’m prepared?

LERO

You’d want to name our kid something human?

RARITY

Yes!  Something rich and exotic, with poetry in every syllable!  Just like ‘Bellerophon’ is!   We call her ‘Bellerophina’ if it’s a girl!

Lero cringes.

LERO

(uncomfortable chuckle)

Well, uh, I’ll tell you THIS much, Rarity, you wouldn’t want to name your kid anything like ‘Bellerophon.’  It’s WAY too exotic... even by human standards!

RARITY

(disappointed)

Really?

LERO

Really.  I wouldn't have named myself Bellerophon.  Though we humans do have PLENTY of good names!  Like... lemme think of some good girl-names you might like... ah!  How about Amber?  Or Summer?  Or Crystal?  Or Autumn?  Or Misty?  Or Willow?  Or Melody?  Or Scarlet?  I’ve always thought ‘Scarlet’ was cool!

Rarity rolls her eyes.

RARITY

Please.  Any PONY could give her foal those names... in fact, you could mix-and-match those any way you want!  Misty Autumn!  Scarlet Crystal!  Summer Willow!  Autumn Willow!  Misty Melody!  No, I’d like my young one to have a name that’s UNIQUE, a name you could never put in all-lowercase letters, a name that isn’t a common noun or adjective plucked from the dictionary!  Don’t you humans have more names like that?

Lero thinks some more.

LERO

Yeah!  Plenty!  Like for girls, there’s names like Jennifer, Miranda, Lauren, Emily, Kimberly, Vanessa, Sophia...

RARITY

Oooh!  So-FEE-yah... that’s sooo pretty!  I'd LOVE to have a Sophia!  And what about boy-names?

LERO

Hmm... Ryan, James, Jonathan, Zachary, Alexander, Martin, Brandon, Paul...

HONEYDEW

I don’t believe what I’m hearing.

They wheel around, finding Honeydew.

HONEYDEW

You want... to have... this creature’s YOUNG?!  His YOUNG?!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(from behind Honeydew)

Excuse me, Honeydew?

Honeydew spins around.  Twilight Sparkle puts her horn against her head.  There is a brief flash of light, like a flashbulb from a camera.

HONEYDEW

(to Twilight Sparkle)

What just happened?!  What did you do to me?!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(affecting confusion)

What do you mean?

HONEYDEW

Just now!  When you placed your horn on my head!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(“innocently”)

But my horn didn’t go anywhere near your head!

HONEYDEW

Don’t try to be clever with me!

She turns back towards Rarity and Lero.

HONEYDEW

Let me tell you...

Then Honeydew’s takes a good, long look at the rainbow-thunderbolt cutie mark on Rarity’s flank.

HONEYDEW

...some...

Then she takes a good, long look at Rarity and at Lero.  And then back at the cutie mark.

HONEYDEW

(blinking, absolutely stunned)

...Blue.

RARITY

(confused)

Huh?  ‘Some blue?‘

HONEYDEW

That cutie mark... there should be BLUE fur around it, not WHITE!

Rarity gapes at her in utter bewilderment, while Lero stares in growing horror.

HONEYDEW

That cutie mark belongs to Rainbow Dash!

RARITY

WHAT?!

HONEYDEW

What happened to that three-diamond cutie mark of yours, Rarity?!

RARITY

Three-diamond cu...?!  Do I look like Applejack to you?!

HONEYDEW

Applejack...?

(pauses, thinks)

Wait... did you sell the Carousel Boutique to Applejack?!

RARITY

Sell it?!  It was never mine to begin with!  Applejack BUILT the Carousel Boutique herself, from the sweat of her own brow!  As if I’d ever bother having anything to do with something so tiresome as sewing dresses when there’s weather-work to be done!

Both of the two mares grow more thunderstruck at each other by the second, their voices growing louder and louder.

HONEYDEW

What’s going on?!  Is this some kind of crazy joke?!

RARITY

You stole the words right out of my mouth!

HONEYDEW

And what in the name of sanity are you doing with HIM?!  He’s not YOUR monkey!   It’s not like you’re part of his herd!

RARITY

[CANNOT EVEN FORM WORDS, THOUGH SHE TRIES]

HONEYDEW

Why, I remember us talking a little over a month ago!   We got into a small argument, and you told me that while you had no problem with who your friend took for a lover, you, yourself, had no attraction to him, and could never feel that kind of love for anything that wasn’t a pony!

Lero and Twilight Sparkle both hang their heads, at this sharp reminder of the original Rarity’s feelings towards Lero; the Rarity who they are trying to bring back through curing the Swap, the Rarity who was never part of their family.

RARITY

(completely outraged)

No attraction?!  No attraction?!

She lifts onto her hind legs and gives Lero one of her deepest, most soulful kisses yet.  Honeydew reacts to this sight as though Rarity had just squirted lemon juice in her eyes.  By the time Rarity breaks away from the kiss, all Lero can say is:

LERO

(breath-taken)

Wow.

RARITY

How DARE YOU, HONEYDEW.  You’ve been harassing me and everyone else in my herd since I got together with Lero...

HONEYDEW

And when was that?!

Then Honeydew pauses to consider her own question, and is stunned by the answer she comes up with.

HONEYDEW

(stunned)

A... a month ago...?

RARITY

A MONTH?!  I daresay it’s been a LOT longer than a month!

HONEYDEW

No, it hasn’t!

(stares past Rarity at Lero)

YOU know what I’m talking about!   Is Rainbow Dash even IN your herd anymore?!  Or did you kick her out?!

Behind Honeydew, Twilight Sparkle shakes her head ‘no’ at Lero.

LERO

Honeydew, how could I have kicked Rainbow Dash out when she was never IN my herd to begin with?!  She’s far too busy tending to her animals for romance, anyway!

HONEYDEW

ANIMALS?!  RAINBOW DASH is the weathermare!  RARITY is a fashionista!

RARITY

Oh, and I suppose Fluttershy’s the Mayor, is she?!  Honeydew, I always suspected this, but now it’s beyond question: YOU ARE INSANE.  SEEK HELP.

Honeydew looks around wildly, shouting out to the other ponies around them in the marketplace.

HONEYDEW

Somepony back me up on this!  Rarity’s no weathermare!  She shouldn’t have THAT cutie mark on her!  It’s Rainbow Dash’s!  She stole Rainbow Dash’s life!

No comprehension registers in any of her neighbors’ eyes.  They all give her a wide berth and fearful gazes.

HONEYDEW

I’ll... I’ll prove it!

She backs away from the members of Herd Bellerophon.

HONEYDEW

I’m NOT the crazy one!  You’ll see!  I don’t know what kind of whacked-out flimflam job’s at work, here, but I’ll get to the bottom of this!  I’m onto your game, human!   I’ll spread the word about this, far and wide!  THE WORLD WILL KNOW THE TRUTH!

And she gallops off to her home.

TWO WEEKS LATER...

We find Honeydew locked in a small, filthy, padded room.  She looks dirty, and has been tied up in a straitjacket; the prisoner of an asylum.  She sits huddled in a corner.

HONEYDEW

I tried...  I tried to tell them...  But they wouldn't listen to me...  Instead they jeered and threw me into this forsaken place.  Damn them...  DAMN THEIR EYES!!

Then she stands up.

HONEYDEW

IT’S A CONSPIRACY!  A VAST GLOBAL CONSPIRACY, STRETCHING TO THE HIGHEST ECHELONS OF POWER!  AND IT HASN’T “ALWAYS BEEN THIS WAY!”  Applejack’s the Element of Honesty!  Pinkie Pie’s not a farmer!  Fluttershy’s supposed to be SHY!  It’s in her NAME!  And Rainbow Dash was on her way to being a Wonderbolt!  Her mark doesn’t belong to Rarity!  Her life doesn’t belong to Rarity!  Her MONKEY doesn’t belong to Rarity!  And that two-legged snake-demon... he is a LIAR!  He doesn’t believe his own words like the others believe!  I saw it!  I saw it in his EYES!

She stands, stumbles over to the barred door, and slams her shoulder against it.

HONEYDEW

(feverishly)

YOU FOOLS!  YOU CAST AWAY YOUR HOPE OF SALVATION BY LOCKING ME IN THIS DAMNED ASYLUM, THINKING ME MAD WITH DELIRIUM!  MAY THE HUMANS EAT YOUR EYES!  MAY THE HUMANS EAT YOUR BLIND, UNSEEING EYES!

And out of Honeydew’s throat erupts some unhinged union of howling laughter and woeful sobbing.

Question 2: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Lero,

If you found a way to nullify the Swap... but only for one pony... would you do it? You could get Rainbow Dash back, completely restored and safe (though you'd need to come up with a cover story as to why she suddenly has 'Rarity's' mark), but Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Applejack stay Swapped until Twilight can find a broader fix. But would you?

Lero sits on a stool with his hands clasped in his lap.  He looks up towards the readers.

LERO

Yes.  God help me, but yes, I would.  I know how badly it would rock the whole boat... but I wouldn’t be able to resist.  I want to be able to be fully honest with Rainbow Dash again.  I want her to be her old self again, with her old memories!  I want her to love all the things she used to love again.  Including me.  And I’m aware that when I did it, it wouldn’t be so much a ‘solution’ as trading one gut-wrenching dilemma for another.

He licks his lips.

LERO

My sweet Rainbow Dash is a girl who’s spent her entire life trying to make herself into a ‘somebody.’  A huge superstar athlete.  Her entire life, building her body, perfecting stunt maneuvers... and she only recently became a Wonderbolts CADET.   And when I un-swapped her... bold, brash, headstrong Rainbow Dash would be returning to her senses in a Bewitched world that expects her to be just the meekest little mouse ever.  Her place in the Wonderbolt Academy she’d struggled her whole life to earn?  GONE.  Her job with the Weather Ponies?  RARITY’S.  Her herd?  RARITY’S.  The love and admiration of Scootaloo?  RARITY’S.  Credit for nearly everything she did in life?  RARITY’S.  The other friends she thought she knew?  SWAPPED.  Oh, and on top of everything else, she’s expected to be in charge of all of Fluttershy’s old animals... though at least she has Fluttershy's roof over her head, I guess.

He begins pacing the floor.

LERO

So, I’d imagine it’d be CHALLENGING for Dash... adapting to all that.  I’d imagine there’d be a small spot of FRICTION between her and Rarity.  And no doubt all our friends would treat her like SHE’S the crazy one, and probably be dropping the names of psychiatrists left and right, or drag her to Zecora’s and have her brew up a potion to ‘cure’ Dash.

He rolls his eyes.

LERO

But me, Twilight, Spike, and Lyra... we’d all be there for Rainbow Dash.  Just as we’ve been there for her when she was swapped.  It’d be great for us to have another pony to share the truth with... and it’d be even BETTER to have it be Rainbow Dash!  Who knows?  Perhaps she could give us some valuable insight into what it’s like, being Swapped, and maybe help with the others’ equilibrium!  We’d come up with a cover story for her, even if it was something as simple as ‘An evil wizard did it.’

Lero then mutters something under his breath that sounds almost like, ‘And his name was Starswirl.’

LERO

Since NO pony would have the ‘Caretaker’ role, we’d probably have to sell her animals or release them back into the wild.  Fluttershy would be sad, once she was cured... but what else could we do under the circumstances?!  I’d do everything in my power to convince Rarity to let Dash live with us.  Assuming peace could develop between them, I’d then work to convince Rarity to hire her as a weathermare.  I daresay, she’d find Dash a worthy addition to her crew!

(sighs)

From there, we’d just play it by ear.  For better or for worse.

Question 3: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Lyra,

Aside from the obvious physical differences, how is your relationship with Swapped!Rarity different from your relationship with regular Rainbow Dash? Rarity not being bent clearly makes a difference, as does her higher self-image and more openly affectionate nature, so how does that change the herd dynamic from your perspective?

Lyra considers the question thoughtfully.  She wears a fine-looking dress, and her mane has been gorgeously stylized.

LYRA

How has our herd dynamic been changed, you ask?  Lots.  Sometimes, it’s a hard call whether it’s been changed for the better or the worse, but there’s no denying it’s DIFFERENT.

Lyra enters her bathroom.

LYRA

To the same extent Rainbow Dash was... STILL IS, actually... a tomboy, Rarity remains a quintessential lady.  Etiquette.  Propriety.  Daintiness, lipstick, mane care... the whole kit and caboodle.  She, Twilight, and I will all go shopping together for clothes and cosmetics... something Rainbow always rolled her eyes through... and Rarity will buy stuff for us as well as herself.  Even if she no longer makes clothes herself, she’s got a VERY keen eye for good fashion.  And she’ll never let any salesgirl out-haggle her.

Lyra sits before her mirror and draws out a perfume bottle.

LYRA

When we were at one of those dress outlets, I remember quietly suggesting to Rarity that she could’ve been a great fashionista.  Then she just got this... frighteningly BLANK look on her face, before laughing it off and saying, ‘not in a million years.’

The aqua unicorn spritzes herself with perfume.

LYRA

I don’t mean ANY offense against bent ponies when I say this... but the experience of being loved by Rarity is  best compared to looking into an alternate universe where a crippled pony you know had never gotten crippled.  As in, “If I hadn’t been born blind, these are the movies I’d watch.”  “If I hadn’t been born deaf, this is the music I’d listen to.”

(sighs)

“If I were capable of being physically attracted to other mares, here’s how I’d love you, Lyra.  Love, Rainbow Dash.”  And Rarity and I haven’t even DONE anything physical together yet.

Lyra next pulls out lipstick and starts applying it.

LYRA

Another big difference is food.  Rainbow always tried to keep in shape for the sake of being a Wonderbolt, so she watched what she ate.  Rarity, on the other hoof, enjoys rich creamy desserts and gourmet cuisine.  Especially seafood.  Sashimi, bouillabaisse, frutti di mare... the more foreign, the better!   She dines on seafood every chance she gets, far more than Rainbow ever did!  Eats fish like a dolphin.

She puts the lipstick away.

LYRA

Though I give her credit, Rarity always lives within her means.  Rather than squander money at 5-star restaurants, Rarity usually finds suitable recipes within one of the cookbooks here, and Lero and Spike cook them with the reasonably-priced groceries we buy from the marketplace.  Spike cooks more than Lero.

Lyra turns her head, looking at herself in the mirror.

LYRA

Another thing: Rainbow Dash never took the ‘lead mare’ thing seriously... the two of us were equals with her.  But Rarity VERY QUICKLY established herself as alpha-female-queen-bee of our herd.  That isn’t to say she’s a tyrant.  Rather... Rarity makes me feel like Twilight and I are beloved younger sisters of hers... sisters she’s in charge of, even though we’re all grownups.

She leaves the bathroom, suddenly wincing at a slightly aching leg muscle.

LYRA

When I was traveling abroad, I was sad that I wouldn’t get to spar against Rainbow Dash anymore.  Those were exciting: her martial arts against mine!   I thought those days would be over, but I was wrong.  I’m STILL sparring... only it mostly takes the form of straight-out magic duels.  Rarity’s a VERY formidable fighter in her own right, but it’s obvious she’s never had any formal martial arts schooling.

Her eyes flick to the top of a dresser; there’s a bookmarked book about pregnancy.

LYRA

She REALLY would like to be a mother.  Visits foal care shops, toy shops... stops to chat with pregnant mares and the mothers of newborns... I don’t think she cares if her kid ends up having hooves or hands or both... she’s planned for all sorts of contingencies!  She just wants it to be hers and Lero’s.  Rainbow... Rainbow was ambivalent, at best, about being a mom.

Stopping to face the readers, she flicks her head, drawing attention to her mane.

LYRA

Another thing is, I think Rarity doesn’t want us going to manedressers.   For example: I didn’t get my mane cut at all during my sabbatical, but when I went to the salon to set an appointment, Rarity talked me out of it. Instead, she took me to the bathroom and give me a full-body trim instead!

(twirls)

You must admit, she did a VERY nice job!

(smiles)

It’s like SHE wants to be the one in charge of making all her loved ones look beautiful.  It’s like a small piece of her old self coming up for air.

RARITY

(calling up from downstairs)

Lyra!  Are you almost ready?

LYRA

(to Rarity)

Just another minute!

(to readers)

In so many ways, Rarity truly DOES make for a wonderful herd-sister.  From the moment I walked into her life, she’s heaped warmth and love upon me, just like with Twilight and Lero!  She endears herself to you very quickly.  All the same...

(speaks quieter)

It’s not like it’s HER fault at all... but what galls me about the whole situation is that Rarity’s REPLACED Rainbow Dash.  Viewed pragmatically... it may SEEM like Rarity’s a superior herdmate to Dash in a number of respects... (I’ll admit she certainly has better taste in music, for one!)... but there’s a REASON Loyalty is a virtue!  I mean, what if it’d been ME?!

She gives a hard swallow.

LYRA

A thing like the Swap really DOES make you think in those terms!  What if our roles were exchanged, what if the horseshoe were on the other hoof, and what if it had been ME?  Me instead of Rainbow Dash who’d gotten Swapped?  What if Rarity had come into this library with a big old Clàrsach Mark on her flank, and I’d become... I don’t know... that lush, Berry Punch?   Would Rainbow Dash have found Grandmaster Rarity ‘awesomer’ than me?

RARITY

(from below)

Lyra!  We’ll be late for the concert!

LYRA

One more second!

(sighs)

If it HAD been me, I know I’D certainly appreciate having a guy like Lero continue being there for me and helping me through my problems.  I know the real Rainbow Dash does.

Question 4: BadWolf9510 Reports:

Chun an ridire,

Tá tú chomh dímheasúil agus foolish. Ach bhí enamored an bhean le do scileanna i cath agus sa seomra leapa, nach bhfuil do wits.

Lero’s alone in the kitchen.  With that weird gleam back in his eyes, he chuckles while drawing a santoku kitchen knife from a wooden knife-storage block.

LERO

Ba chóir di Bainim níos mó tógtha ag mo wits. Bhí mé cliste go leor chun éalú, tar éis an tsaoil! Ní raibh sin éasca.

Grinning, he holds the knife outward, and begins slashing at the air at purely imaginary foes.

HER LADYSHIP’S MESSENGER

Deir tú nach bhfuil tú a chaitheamh masc, ach a dhéanann tú. An mheabhlaireacht is mó a thaispeáint duit an fíor duit dul i bhfolach ar tú féin. Iarracht tú chomh crua chun repress do chuid cuimhní cinn ach sa deireadh beidh tú ag tiomáint dÚsachtach tú féin.

LERO

Feicfidh mé riosca é. Go dtí seo, tá mé ag baint suilt as bheith rún is mó Equestria ar!

There’s a truly striking quality about the way Lero handles that kitchen knife.  He doesn’t swing it like a boy toying with a wooden sword.

Rather, his movements seem PROFESSIONAL.  As though he’s had extensive military training, and KNOWS how to kill others with a blade.  Both other humanoids... and even giant enemies far larger than the human frame.

HER LADYSHIP’S MESSENGER

Feiceann Ár bhean uasal do streachailt agus cuireann tú a cabhrú leat. Tá sí eolas ar gach rud draíochta agus a fhios aici conas a leigheas seo "babhtála."

Lero DROPS the knife.  It clatters on the floor.

LERO

(stunned)

C... cad é...?!

HER LADYSHIP’S MESSENGER

Is féidir linn a insint duit cad is gá duit fios a bheith agat chun cabhrú le do chairde. Beidh ort do bhean chéile ar ais chugat , go hiomlán agus go maith. Beidh a gcuid saolta a n-inniúlacht siúd arís. A dteaghlaigh a rinneadh ar fad.

LERO

(hushed whisper)

Rainbow Dash...

HER LADYSHIP’S MESSENGER

Agus is féidir leat cónaí i síocháin. Beidh an bhean uasal fhágann tú i d'aonar.

LERO

Geallann sí seo...?

HER LADYSHIP’S MESSENGER

Ach tá i gcónaí ar phraghas agus iad ag déileáil leis an fae. Is é seo an t-eolas mór agus tá sé ar siúl gar di cófra. Mar mhalairt ar an fhaisnéis atá uait, éilíonn an bhean uasal leanbh ó do theaghlach. Tá sé ar phraghas beag a íoc chun mend saol an oiread sin.

LERO

(in English)

A child from my family... but I cannot even FATHER children in this world, where I am the only human!  ...Unless Her Ladyship foresees that Twilight WILL succeed?  She WILL find a way for it to happen?  Or will the Lady, herself, provide me the means?  Teleport a potion to me or something...?

HER LADYSHIP’S MESSENGER

(brusquely)

Fanann sí as do fhreagra, ridire.

Lero shakes his head.

LERO

Uimh! Ní féidir leis an bhean a bheith iontaofa!

But then he thinks about it some more.

LERO

Abair leis an bhean uasal seo: beidh tuilleadh eolais de dhíth orm sula mé a thabhairt duit mo fhreagra. Cá mbeidh an trádáil siúl? Nuair a Táim ag súil agam a thabhairt di an leanbh? ! Agus conas? Má tá a fhios aici mar gheall ar an babhtála, beidh a fhios aici chomh maith go bhfuil mé in ann leanaí a ATHAIR le haon cailín an tsaoil seo. TAR ÉIS muid aon leanaí i ár teaghlaigh! Ní dhéanfaidh aon ní is féidir linn a thabhairt duit!

SPIKE

Hmm?  What’d you say, Lero?

Spike peeks his head inside the room.

LERO

Ah... nothing!

SPIKE

It sounded like you were speaking gibberish, for a second.

LERO

S... sometimes I just... like to quote foreign films!  Don't you?

SPIKE

(nods, doesn't suspect a thing)

Oh, totally!  Foreign films rock!  But you’ll want to pick that knife off the floor.  Be bad if somepony were to step on it.

Spike leaves.  Lero’s sweating.  Could it possibly be that the Lady desires... Spike?!  Or is his original interpretation correct?

Lero just cannot say for sure.  When he addresses the Messenger, there is no snark in his voice whatsoever.

LERO

(respectfully)

Seol dom do fhreagra nuair is féidir leat, le do thoil.

Question 5:Warpd Asks:

Dear Discord:

I know humans might seem like an attractive idea, but we have a horrible tendency of hurting our creators. Maybe something more tame...?

DISCORD

Tame?  TAME?!  Need I remind you who you’re TALKING to?!  I am DISCORD, god of CHAOS!   Frankly, I would WELCOME the challenge of some angstbag Kratos-wannabe come to cut me down to size!  Hah!  I’d give HIM a run for his money!

And with that, Discord starts swinging around two swords-on-chains through the air.

DISCORD

Why, just for that, I’m almost 90% certain now that it IS humans I want to be the god of... once this Swap business is over and done with!

The swords-on-chain vanish, and he begins pacing upside-down.

DISCORD

Only, if I really DO have it be humans, I ought to do something so they’re not COMPLETELY interchangeable with Earthlings.  Pointy ears?  Oh, no, no, no!  Anything that smacks of Tolkienesque elves is LOATHSOME!  Hmmm... maybe... I’ve received a lot of good recommendations to making critters like those in the Avatar: The Last Airbender world.  What if I were to have my humans all be BENDERS?!  Earthbenders, Firebenders, Airbenders... Pizzabenders?! And maybe I ought to give all my humans tails like the Saiyans!

He thumps his own tail.

DISCORD

Tails are cool.

(sighs)

Ohhh, these ideas have MERIT, but I’m STILL not COMPLETELY 100% decided... platypodes would be awesome too!  Ohhhhh... stupid, STUPID indecision...!

Question 6: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Discord,

As long as Fluttershy's mark is on Rainbow Dash, have you thought about making friends with Rainbow Dash?

DISCORD

Well, I've ALWAYS considered myself Rainbow Dash's friend... ever since this Swap began, at least, and I've been looking out for her best interests!  Don't believe me?  Well, consider this: I'm the one she has to thank for sending Lero to help her out with everything!   Well, NUDGING him and erasing that one pesky memory of hers, but STILL...!

SPINEL STRIDE

Now that she's found an equilibrium, you might have some fun 'teaching' her about pranks... and those animal buddies of hers might be able to add to the fun, now that they're obeying.

Within her cottage, Rainbow Dash sits at her table, miserable and forlorn.  Still in her Grand Galloping Gala gown.  Surprisingly, she’s been drawing pictures with crayons.

Her drawing skill’s at the level of a kindergartner: basic stick figures, but she draws nonetheless.  She’s finished several pictures already.

FIRST DRAWING:  It shows a twig-limbed Rainbow Dash with all sorts of animals: cats, dogs, rabbits, snakes, latched onto her body like lampreys.  Rainbow Dash is in great pain.

SECOND DRAWING:  Rainbow Dash is drawn in the very lower-right corner of the picture.  The two-legged, two-armed stick figure standing in front of her can only be Lero.   All the animals have latched their teeth onto his arms, his head, his legs... they are like ticks... but he has a strong expression.

THIRD DRAWING:  This picture shows many, many scenes of Lero and Dash being together, all on the same page.  Lero giving stuff to Dash.  A smiling Lero on the ground, under a smiling Dash, flying in the sky.  Lero placing a rag against a tear coming out of Dash’s eye.  Lero hugging Dash sweetly.

FOURTH DRAWING:  A stick-figure rendition of the fight with the glufferflork!  Stick-figures of Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Twilight, and Lyra, all attacking a giant white blob with animal bones in it.  Lero is kicking the butt of Angel Bunny, who has a devil horn and pitchfork!

FIFTH DRAWING:  A truly HUGE Rainbow Dash, with a smug, unlikeable smile and a big, spiky crown on her head, takes up the ENTIRE PAGE.  Lero is the size of a paper clip by her enormous hoof.  And he’s crying.

And finally, there’s the SIXTH DRAWING, which Rainbow Dash is finishing right now.  Lero is outside, on some hill.  The tears pouring out of his face are as big as his own head.  There’s actually a speech bubble coming out of his mouth: “Won’t anyone be my friend?”

Discord floats, unperceived, over the melancholy pegasus as she draws.  He looks up towards the readers.

DISCORD

It’s a good idea you have, Mr. Stride, and normally I’d be TOTALLY on board with having Dash and all her trained animals collaborating in a practical joke or ten!  But something tells me Rainbow Dash’s mind is preoccupied with other things...

Rainbow Dash has finished the last drawing, then spreads them out of their pile to stare at them all, as a set.

DISCORD

...Equilibrium or no equilibrium.  So before I even THINK of going on a pranking spree with Dash and her critter pals... I'll give her a chance to open up and discuss her thoughts about Mr. Michealides...

He snaps his fingers and an ice cream sundae appears in his hands.

DISCORD

Whatever they may prove to be.

Question 7: Feylon Asks:

Dear Discord,

Hang on a second; thinking about Discordian species reminds me of the will-o-wisps, known in my country as wanderer-lights. Leading travelers to both adventures and doom. Did you have anything to do with those?

DISCORD

Mmmmmmaaaaaaybe!

The scene switches over to a completely different part of Equestria, late at night.  A pony named NIPPLEWORT is traipsing through the woods, in the very dead of night.

Nipplewort doesn’t even have a lantern with him or anything.  Suddenly, a wander-light flies in front of his face!

NIPPLEWORT

(instantly enchanted)

Hey!  You’re a cute little fella, ain’t ya?

It flitters about his face, like an adorable butterfly, before flying between a bunch of trees.

NIPPLEWORT

(playfully)

I’m gonna get ya!  I’m gonna take ya home with me, little guy!

Up ahead is danger.  A wooden sign warns:  DANGER!  QUICKSAND!

But of course, it’s far too dark for reading.

The wander-light dances in front of Nipplewort’s nose, always keeping just out of reach... leading him straight to the quicksand pit.

Closer and closer, his hoof is right on the edge of the pit!

Only for Nipplewort hops right over the quicksand, after the wander-light...

NIPPLEWORT

WHOA!

...And land upon the bones of a skeleton.

NIPPLEWORT

Oh my goodness, oh my goodness...!

Nipplewort pauses.  It’s a very curious skeleton.  There’s a gold crown on its head, and a very old journal of some sort lies next to it.  He picks up the journal.

The wander-light flies over, providing bioluminescent light by which to read by.

NIPPLEWORT

(reading the journal)

To the one who discovers my final resting place: know that you have found the Coronet of Antiquia, an enchanted artifact, blessed with the power to bestow the one who wears it with riches beyond his wildest imagination, or the power to usher in the apocalypse.   But in order to work, the six Crown Jewels must be restored to their rightful place within the Coronet.

Nipplewort stops to check the Coronet.  All the Crown Jewels are missing, but there are clear impressions within the crown where the jewels are meant to be set.

NIPPLEWORT

Each one of these Crown Jewels has been hidden within the hearts of ancient labyrinths, each filled with traps and vicious monsters. Fortunately, I have managed to uncover the location of each of these labyrinths before my untimely passing, and have drawn a map to their whereabouts on Page 50...

The more he reads, the keener Nipplewort’s excitement grows.  By the time he’s read his fill, he’s galloping off to adventure, with the Coronet of Antiquia firmly on his head.

Discord appears next to the wander-light, watching Nipplewort go.  Grinning, he holds out his palm, and the wander-light gives it a teeny-tiny high-five.

Question 8: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Mane Six,

I'm sure it's not the most pleasant of memories, but do you recall how everypony acted while Discorded? Any particularly egregious moments?

The Mane Six stand together in a group.  All of them look deeply ashamed of what they’re about to confess.

PINKIE PIE

Ah can remember lyin’ ta everypony left ‘n’ right.  The worst wuz to mah sister.  She came ta me as a no-faced pony, like a ponyquin with a mane ‘n’ a bow, while her REAL face was where her cutie mark’ll eventually be.  She was beggin’ me ta get off mah rump and stop Discord.  Ah told her, “Discord said that it’s actually all up to yew, Bloomy.  If yer a good girl, and keep quiet fer LONG ENOUGH, Discord promises ta take all the chaos away, AND give yew yer cutie mark!‘   And she believed me.

RAINBOW DASH

I remember shoving foals in cages.  I remember tying up a cockatrice and forcing pegasi to stare into its eyes when they were way high up in the sky.  I remember ambushing ponies in alleys, and beating them savagely, cackling at them like a wicked witch.

APPLEJACK

Ah remember stealing from everybody.  Ah remember taking everythang in Sweetie Belle’s room and puttin’ it in mah own, because the house we lived in was ‘mine,’ and fightin’ her tooth and hoof when she came ta git ‘er stuff back.

FLUTTERSHY

Ah remember telling ponies all sorts of horrible things, nonstop.  Like the world was a dung heap, and we were all maggots crawling through it.  And that life had no point.  And that no pony was really good inside.  And that anything that SEEMED to be good was an illusion; misery was the only truth that existed.  I’d leave them in tears about who they were and what their place was in life.

RARITY

I remember betraying all my friends over a pair of wings, and then sneering in Twilight’s face about it, I declared that Celestia wasn’t worth being faithful to, and I’d be happy to live in Chaos forever if it meant having wings to fly with!   I remember conjuring thunderstorms and tornadoes when my other five friends came to their senses and tried to get me under control.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

What made Discord a true monster back then... wasn’t so much the chaos itself.  In the end, we could’ve ADAPTED to a world with cherry soda rivers, volleyball nets that wrote operas, and emus hatching from bowling balls.  It was the fact that he was altering all peoples‘ hearts to be broken, twisted and cold.  Love could not exist.  Friendship could not exist.  Ponies were loveless and unlovable.  Whichever way he warped you, that was the common running theme.  Everypony was a horrible pony.   Everypony was alone, and did not even want the companionship of others, or to give it to others.  When you get right down to it, isn’t that Hell in a nutshell?

The six ponies all give each other a comforting group hug.

Question 9: Feylon Asks:

Feylon Asks:

Dear Discord,

How do you prevent Twilight from pestering you about portals to Earth?

Discord hems and haws.

DISCORD

Uh... about that... the thing is...

He sighs.

DISCORD

...I cracked.  Her incessant begging finally got to be too much for me.  I’m actually going to be opening a portal to Earth.  Not IMMEDIATELY, mind you!  It’ll be a while, but... at a certain undisclosed point in the future...  I’ll be bringing Herd Bellerophon to visit Earth.

He conjures a small globe of Planet Earth and spins it on his finger.

DISCORD

Of course, there was big excitement about the whole ‘First Contact With The Alien Planet’ thing.  But Lero’s mares were also EQUALLY excited by the prospect of meeting their stallion’s human family.

The globe transmogrifies into a photo of the Michaelides family.

DISCORD

Particularly his mom and dad.

(grins slyly)

But you wanna know the REAL reason I agreed?  The joy of seeing Lero squirm.  If you'd guessed Lero’s not comfortable with the idea of his folks meeting his girls... buddy, you don't know how RIGHT you are!  I think there’ve been prisoners on death row who’ve been less frightened of their execution dates.  Watching the nightmares he has about that upcoming meeting is PURE entertainment!

The picture of the Michaelides family vanishes.

DISCORD

So, stay tuned, ‘Ask The Swapped Ponies’ fans!

Question 10: Warpd Asks:

Dear Rainbow Dash:

Think you should try out the herd before you go after the stallion?

Rainbow Dash puffs herself up, all toughness.

RAINBOW DASH

Hey!  I never said that I definitely WAS going after Lero!  You’re REALLY jumping to conclusions, buddy!

But then she seems to shrink timidly.

RAINBOW DASH

But... if I WAS... in a purely hypothetical what-if way, well, one-on-one would be a lot less... intimidating than one-on-four, wouldn’t you say?

She looks away, scuffing a hoof, unable to meet the readers’ eyes.

RAINBOW DASH

And... and don’t get me wrong, EVERYONE in that herd is a wonderful pony... they’re ALL my good friends!  But, well... if I WERE going to do it, then I’d much rather go for Lero alone, first.  Because if it turns out that sweet stallion doesn’t have any feelings for me... um, well, then I really don’t have interest in anypony else in that herd.

Finally, she makes eye contact, fearfully.

RAINBOW DASH

Please don’t tell any of them I said that!  Please???

(expression hardening, more ‘old Dash’)

Or you just might be spitting out teeth!  And don’t get excited, either, it was only a what-if question, anyway!  Not like I’m definitely 100% gonna go do it!

And she flies off, leaving a rainbow streak.

Round Sixteen: If The Horseshoe Were On The Other Hoof

Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Sixteen: If The Horseshoe Were On The Other Hoof

Spoilers Up To Chapter 20

Question 1: Feylon Asks:

Dear Discord:

How do you like your new clothes?

Discord turns around in his grey, grey clothes.

DISCORD

I love them!  I love, love, LOVE ‘em!

FEYLON

I think they make you look handsome, even smart. You are a walking piece of art.

As Discord dances and prances about...

MIKE TEAVEE

(singing)

They were grey and silver and dim and jet and charcoal and gainsboro and platinum and ash and battleship and slate and glaucous and cinereous and bistre and eigengrau and grisaille, and griege and titanium and misty and sterling and smoky and and pewter and graphite and gunmetal and moony and cloudy and foggy and tin and...

Question 2: Warpd Asks:

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Since we got Lyra's answer about what it is like being with Rarity compared to Rainbow Dash. What about the physical side? You've been with both of them (even if it took Rainbow a while).

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

First off, before I say ANYTHING, I want to make one thing perfectly clear: however-much my feelings for Rarity have grown... she has NOT replaced Rainbow Dash in my heart!

Twilight exhales a deep breath.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

That said... the physical side of things.  Well, there IS the whole Rainbow-Is-A-Pegasus and Rarity-Is-A-Unicorn aspect.  A unicorn brings a completely different bag of tricks to the bedroom...

(undertone)

...and to be perfectly frank, Rarity’s done wonderful things to me not even Lyra and I have thought to do to one another...

(normal speaking voice)

But I respect both Rarity and Rainbow Dash too much to ever go into explicit detail about any of that.

She sighs.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

I will tell you this, though: Rainbow Dash... yeah, it DID take her a LONG while to ‘open up’ to me, the way she always opens... OPENED... up to Lero.  I’m the ONLY other girl Rainbow’s done it for... a fact that fills me with deep pride!   Not even Lyra ever reached that level of intimacy with Rainbow... and Rainbow really DID love Lyra dearly before the Swap.  Anyway, the biggest physical difference between Rainbow and Rarity is... Rainbow always required Lero’s presence for the magic to happen between us.  When it wasn’t an active threesome, at the very, very, very least... Lero had to be in same room as us, watching Rainbow and me go at it.  Without Lero there, she simply was not in an erotic mood.

(blushes)

Rarity... Rarity doesn’t require Lero’s presence to want to do it with me.  Or Lyra, now.

Twilight looks down at her hooves.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well... maybe one more ‘physical’ thing about Rarity-versus-Rainbow I’ll share with you.  Rainbow’s coat and mane feel a lot coarser and far less silky than Rarity’s, because Rarity uses a lot more hair care products on herself.

Question 3: BadWolf9510 States:

An bhean uasal ordaigh ar cheann de na h seers chun breathnú isteach na huiscí go fóill. Chonaic sí go mbeidh tú a bheith ina athair agus beidh do thréad teacht ar an mbealach. Beidh an ghaiscíoch a bheith ar an gcéad máthair agus beidh an an scoláire a bheith ar an dara máthair. Ach tá an bhean uasal aon úsáid le haghaidh leanbh; beidh sí a cheangal ar cailín níos sine. Beidh an bhean dtiocfaidís de bharr na leanbh tar éis a lá breithe seachtú, nuair a bheidh sí sean go leor chun taisteal tríd an chois claí agus chun freastal sa chúirt.

Ach is é sin an todhchaí, ridire. Don am i láthair, beidh gá dom a labhairt leat go pearsanta. Téigh isteach sa adhmad d'aois. Beidh tú ag taisteal do leath lae agus a aimsiú crann darach mighty. Beidh tú a dhéanamh fáinne de bláthanna agus clocha go bhfuil cúig paces leathan i os comhair an crann. Fág titim de do chuid fola i lár an fáinne, is gá duit ach titim, labhairt ansin an focal, "a oscailt chun dom", agus saoire. Beidh an doras a chur san am a oscailt. Ar an oíche an ghealach nua, filleadh ar crann agus gheobhaidh tú dom. Inseoidh mé duit cad is gá duit fios a bheith agat.

Feicfidh mé thú go luath, ridire.

Lero tromps through the heart of the Everfree Forest.  His expression is grim, indeed.  He has been walking in this one direction for nearly twelve hours solid.  It’s early afternoon.

A cockatrice suddenly leaps out of the bushes, trying to catch Lero in its Medusa stare, but Lero doesn’t make the mistake of locking eyes with it.

Instead, with surprisingly solid reflexes,   Lero kicks dirt in the beastie’s eye, grabs it by the neck while its eyes are squinted shut, and flings it across several bushes into a mud puddle.

The creature shows no sign of wanting to pursue him further.

Finally, Lero reaches a particular oak tree, of tremendous size and age.  There is a mystical, ethereal air about the place.

LERO

(grumbling)

Couldn’t’ve picked an tree that was an HOUR’S walk through the forest, could you?  No, Milady’s Messenger needs the tree that takes half-a-day’s hike to reach!

He pulls off his knapsack and takes out a small little gardening trowel, and searches around the woods until he finds what he’s looking for: a grove of wildflowers.

Lero knees and digs up a bunch of these flowers by the roots, and puts them in a pile.

Lero also collects a set of decent-sized stones, and puts them in their own pile.

Next, Lero goes over to the oak tree, standing right against its trunks, then walks five strides from it.  With the toe end of his boot, Lero scratches an X on the place on the ground where he now stands.

Then he gets to work.

It’s like he’s marking the hour positions on a clock, (with the X serving as the center of the clock.)  With the help of his trowel, he replants a wildflower on the twelve o’clock position.  Then he sets a stone on the one o’clock position.  Then another wildflower on the two o’clock position, and a second stone on the three o’clock position.  On he goes until his ‘clock face’ is complete.

Six stones, six flowers, all in a circle.  From there, he pulls out a little knife, extending his arms out until his fingertips hover directly over the X on the ground.

He pricks his finger with the knife, and allows a single drop of his blood to fall upon the X.

LERO

A oscailt chun dom.

There’s the slightest tremor in the ground below Lero.  And then it’s gone.

Shooting dark looks at the fairy ring he’s just created, Lero gathers his stuff back in his knapsack, takes a long drink of water from a water bottle, and starts heading home.

LERO

Now to convince the family that me being gone for a day is nothing to worry about...

Some time after Lero is completely gone, a rabbit hops over to one of the flowers that make up the fairy ring.  He leans forward to give it a nibble.

The moment his teeth touch a petal, it SHOCKS the rabbit, electrically, like he’s chewed on a live wire.

The frightened rabbit scampers away.

Question 4: Warpd Asks:

To Rarity’s herd;

how do you imagine meeting Lero’s parents would go down?

All of Herd Bellerophon sits together at a table, without any food or drinks out.

LYRA

Well... one thing that we KNOW will happen, a thing which Lero very painstakingly drilled into us was... HORSE CONFUSION.

RARITY

Mmmm-hmmm!  Yes, very much so.  Our sweet prince was VERY descriptive about how horses dwell on Planet Earth and have been domesticated as beasts of burden.  Not to mention how the three of us shall almost certainly be mistaken for one of those... animals, at first blush.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

It’s almost a perfect role reversal, isn’t it?  First, Lero arrives in Equestria, and we all mistake him for an ape... now we’ll be heading off to Earth, and humans will be mistaking us for horses!

RARITY

To think there’s a world where HORSES exist, but NOT ponies!

SPIKE

(snarky smile)

Oh... that isn’t QUITE true, though, isn’t it, Lero?

RARITY

Huh?  What?

Then Rarity remembers an important factoid Lero had shared, and makes a disgusted noise.

RARITY

Lero, darling... it can’t REALLY be true that Earth-people refer to little baby horselets as ‘ponies,’ can it?

Lero shrugs his shoulders.

LERO

Sorry, Rarity.

LYRA

Lero’s been suggesting that when we go to Earth, we dress elegantly from head to hoof... to decrease the odds of being mistaken for animals.

LERO

(pleading)

What I REALLY think would help you out is if you girls cast some sort of illusion spell upon yourself, so that Mom and Dad think you’re human women!

RARITY

Oh, ho, ho, ho... darling, don’t be RIDICULOUS!  Meeting family is NOT a time for disguises!  You aren’t ASHAMED of us, are you?

LERO

(awkwardly)

Ah... no... not, at all.

Rarity turns towards the readers.

RARITY

Other than that, we're all anticipating that once we get that silly 'horse confusion' nonsense out of the way, we're all anticipating it to be a most pleasant meeting!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

I agree!  From what Lero's already said about his parents, they sound like perfectly wonderful humans, nothing remotely like... well...

LYRA

(in an undertone)

...Your mother.

RARITY

Want to know what I’m most looking forward to?  Talking to my dear prince’s mother!  Oh, if she has photographs of him as a colt... that would be DARLING!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

I’m excited to compare our two cultures... see the world of Earth, its technology... the society Lero came from... and how much other humans differ and share similarities with Lero!

LYRA

In all honesty?  The thing I’m most excited about is seeing the moment when Lero’s mother and father lay eyes upon their son again.  After all the years since he was stolen... letting them know that their wonderful son is not only alive and well, but living a good life with marefriends who cherish him...!

Lero, for his part looks frozen, squirming where he sits.  Suddenly, we jump into... LERO’S IMAGINATION!!!

Lero sees himself tied to a roasted spit, and being spun upon an open fire by both his furious parents.

MR. MICHAELIDES

(sinisterly)

So, Lero... kindly explain to us again WHAT THE HELL YOU’VE BEEN DIPPING YOUR WICK INTO ALL THESE YEARS YOU'VE BEEN GONE?!

Question 5: FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Discord,

I have to wonder, how are you going to get around the whole "Earth has no magic" issue and its unpleasant implications for the pony nervous system? Or is it just that we poor, unfortunate apes can no longer make use of what's always been there?

DISCORD

Silly human!  I suppose you must assume that when Team Lero crosses over to Planet Earth it’d be the magical equivalent of being tossed out into pitch-black, can’t-see-my-hand-in-front-of-my-face darkness.  Perhaps you believe that our magic is drawn from the very air of Equestria... mixed in amongst all those oh-so-helpful oxygen molecules...

Discord draws an obnoxiously long breath, bending backwards further and further and further as he does so.

DISCORD

...And once we respire of the magic-less atmosphere of Earth, then our magical abilities go kaput until we breathe the right air again.

Then Discord takes a long, long drink of water.

DISCORD

The truth is this: magic (for those who can PERFORM it, anyway) comes from within.  Kinda like saliva!  As long as you have working salivary glands, you can produce saliva.

Swishing spittle inside his mouth, Discord expectorates rapidly like he’s at a spitting contest.

DISCORD

(between spits)

Whether you journey to the Moon, to Wonderland, Oz, or your local convenience store... your saliva is there for YOU!

(SPIT!)

Yours to conjure...

(SPIT!)

yours to summon, yours to create from within your body...

(SPIT!)

and utilize for every purpose saliva is useful for!

(SPIT!)

Magic is the same way: as long as one HAS a horn, magic can be created no matter WHERE one goes.

Question 6: Warpd Asks:

Dear Mike:

Does Luna, Celestia, and Discord know what the cure is or just what will happen when it is discovered?

Mike leans back in his chair.

MIKE TEAVEE

Been a while since I had a question directed at me, specifically!      Oh, I can’t resist!  But now the big question is: how much to reveal... hmmm.... I’ll tell you this much: none of them know what the cure actually IS.  Not Celestia, not Luna, not even Discord!  Though they are all aware what Starswirl was TRYING to accomplish.

Leaning forward again, Mike clasps his hands pensively.

MIKE TEAVEE

I  think that for Celestia and Luna especially... their goal is to make sure that this incomplete spell is completed.  Even if it may not necessarily result in the outcome Starswirl had originally hoped for... finishing the spell would be enough.  A load off their minds.  After all, Celestia and Luna had born witness to what’d happened the last time this spell was cast on the last mares who bore the Elements of Harmony.  And just as Discord had said: it went a LOT worse for them.

Question 7: Warpd Asks:

Dear Rarity:

Your stallion has overcome his worries, your herd sisters are showering you with affection, and the family has never been happier. How do you feel?

Rarity lays on the master bedroom’s bed.  It is WAY late at night.  Around her are Lyra, Lero, and Twilight Sparkle, all sweaty and fast asleep.

RARITY

Oh, DISMAL, darling, absolutely down in the dumps, I just...

(sniggers)

I’m just so mel... just melanchol... chol....

(sniggers some more)

....BAH HA HA HA!!!  Oh, I’m sorry, I’m so dreadfully sorry!

She wipes the tears of merriment from her eyes with a handkerchief, speaking in a whisper, since she almost woke up the others.

RARITY

I was trying to be glib and tongue-in-cheek, but I can’t... ha ha... I can’t even SARCASTICALLY pretend...

She gets control of herself.

RARITY

How do I feel?  Blissful.  I feel like Paradise, itself, swept into my life for a few hours like a fog from above... and it still hasn’t lifted yet!  For weeks and weeks, I’ve been feeling like I’ve had four left legs.  It was like my whole life was a musical instrument that I COULD NOT get properly tuned; everything from my weather job to my family life was off-kilter!  And the horrible thing was... during the first week or so, it felt like my own family was... HESITANT about loving me!

She leans forward, kissing Lyra’s cheek.

RARITY

Pure paranoia on my part, of course!  We’ve all been under a lot of strange stress which threw us off our game... but in the end, love conquered all, love set us right!  I have the most affectionate and loving herdmates ever, and tonight I was treated to a wonderful reminder of that... of how much we were always meant to be a family!

She twists her body around to kiss Twilight’s cheek.

RARITY

Next year, I want to be the one to surprise the others with an early anniversary.   And I’ll make it even more spectacular than this first one!

She levitates Lero’s arm over to her mouth and kisses the back of his hand.  He smiles in his sleep.

Question 8: Super Big Mac Asks:

Dear Princess Cadence,

As a pony who can use love magic almost opposite of a Changeling, how would you feel if you noticed a friend had fallen in love with a Hive-less changeling?

PRINCESS CADENCE

A changeling operating as a ‘lone wolf?‘  A changeling without a queen or hive?  Alright, I’ll bite.  In such a scenario, I’d first feel inclined to find out whether my friend KNEW this was actually a changeling.  Maybe my friend would be in denial.  Maybe my friend had developed some sort of misguided sympathy for the changeling.   If I could get my friend to realize loving this changeling was making a mistake, I’d feel elated!  If my friend were under a hypnotic spell, like my own Shining had been, that changeling would rue the day it’d even been spawned!  But if my friend were dead-set on loving the changeling, I’d feel just as bad as if she’d developed a drug addiction.

Princess Cadence hangs her head.

PRINCESS CADENCE

As the Princess of Love... I know what it’s like to SEE a good friend fall for an obvious, self-serving, all-take, no-give parasite.  And I’m sorry to say that some ponies are parasitic enough without NEEDING to be changelings.

Question 9: Super Big Mac Asks:

Dear Princess Cadence,

What's your greatest, and your biggest fear?

PRINCESS CADENCE

It’s a toss-up between a world without love and a world where Queen Chrysalis had conquered the world, turning ponies into livestock and milking their love from them.

Question 10: ZeroPrototype Asks:

Dear Twilight:

How would you react to having a pony like Vinyl as a sister, she does look suspiciously like your brother?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Vinyl Scratch as a sister, huh?  Well, from what I know of her, she and I are nothing alike, but I’ve heard good things about her personality!  I imagine her music would’ve REALLY distracted me from my book-reading, but I’d like to think that we’d have been loving sisters, when all was said and done!  After all, Rainbow Dash has just about as much in common with me as Vinyl Scratch, and look how close we are!

Then she frowns with sudden suspicion.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

And I hope you’re not insinuating anything extramarital about my father... pointing out how Vinyl Scratch and Shining Armor have the same mane and coat coloration!

Question 11: SpinelStride Asks:

Imagine for a moment that the Swap had not centered around the Elements of Harmony, but instead around Twilight's herd: Lero the harpist, Twilight the weatherpony, Lyra the Element of Magic (because ending up with a non-unicorn having that one would be guaranteed traumatic), and Rainbow Dash the ultimate free spirit, the adult pony with unbound destiny. Rainbow Dash (not having a mark to compel her) is the only one who knows what's happened. Who's on her Exclusion List, and how does it ultimately end up? Also, where does Lero's cutie mark show up, on his hip, rear, chest, face, or elsewhere? You don't all have to imagine it turning out the same way.

Rainbow Dash rises up out of bed.  When she pulls out of the covers and stretches, we see that not only is she a blank flank, she’s wearing specially-tailored white briefs with a hole for her tail.

Then begins a long film noir-style voiceover.

RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER

My name is Rainbow Dash... and let me put it this way, if he were alive today, Sigmund Freud would have a field day with me.  With my entire family.  But we’ll get to the others, let’s focus on me for now.

She pulls open her dresser drawers and pulls out a set of folded clothes: a simple T-shirt, denim jeans, fresh underwear.  Plus a set of sneakers and socks for her hind hooves.  With them, she heads into the bathroom.

RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER

I remember growing up on Earth, among humans.  Aristotle Michaelides and Hope Michaelides were the names of my parents... and for some reason, they never once found anything the least bit bizarre, (let alone objectionable) about having a pegasus mare for their biological daughter.

In the bathroom, Rainbow strips off the briefs she slept in, steps into the shower, and shuts the curtain.  Soon enough, water is running and steam is hissing.

RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER

I recited the Pledge of Allegiance in grade school.  I wore shirts and pants with specially-made holes for my tail, and socks and tennis shoes on my hind hooves.  Watched shows like Doctor Who, Batman, and Transformers.  Played Super Mario Bros., Metal Gear Solid, and Silent Hill.  I’ve eaten hamburgers at McDonald’s, pizza from Pizza Hut, and pancakes at the IHOP.  Driven cars and ridden buses.  Graduated from high school and college.  Voted in presidential elections.  Dated girlfriends... (NEVER boyfriends, until Lero... but we’ll get to him!)

Shutting the shower water, she steps out, drying her coat and mane with a towel.

RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER

Throughout all my time living on Earth, I can’t remember a single instance of being mistaken for an animal.  No circus wanted me to be part of its freak-show.  No scientist wanted to study me in his lab.  UFO nutjobs never based a conspiracy theory around me, Hollywood never aimed a camera at me.  It was like the whole human race was determinedly oblivious to the fact that I wasn’t a human.  But it’s okay that it doesn’t seem realistic.  After all, these are my ‘Swapped’ memories, and they’re actually the property of Lero.

Once dried, she proceeds to dress herself in her ‘human’ clothes.

RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER

I also have a second set of memories... my Real Memories.  My Rainbow Dash memories.  These ones tell me I was born in Equestria, had pegasus parents, worked as a Weathermare, worshipped the Wonderbolts, and eventually became the Bearer of the Element of Loyalty.

Now dressed, she begins to brush her teeth.

RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER

I’m a Swapped Pony.  My personality is a mixture of me and Lero’s.  The ‘Lero’ side of my personality dominates... but that’s okay.  The ‘Lero’ part of me would never do anything to hurt the ‘Dash‘ part of me.  We make a great team.

Then Rainbow Dash begins smiling at her reflection, with a nearly narcissistic level of attraction and flirtatiousness.

RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER

These days, it’s an AWESOME experience, just looking at myself in front of the mirror.  The ‘Lero’ side of me’s all, ‘Damn!  We are one SEXY mare!’  And my ‘Dash’ side will go ‘Naw, we’re very plain-looking.’  Then my Lero-side will go, ‘Nuh-uh!  I’m SERIOUS!  We are the SEXIEST thing on four legs, and I’m so glad I swapped into you.’  Really boosts my confidence.  I always know just what to say to me.  I love me so much for that.

Then Spike opens the door.

SPIKE

Hey!  Dash!  If you’re done admiring yourself... we’ve got breakfast!

RAINBOW DASH

(spoken aloud)

Oh!  Sure!

She follows Spike out of the bathroom towards the kitchen.

RAINBOW DASH

How’re things going with the others?

SPIKE

Oh, you know, just another fine morning in our happy little psycho ward.

But just as she’s turning from the bottom of the staircase, a voice stops her.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the drop-dead hottest blank flank in all Equestria.

Rainbow Dash turns around.  Twilight Sparkle grins at her pegasus herdmate with a brassy, saucy, and deeply loving look.

What used to be Rainbow Dash’s cutie mark now sits on Twilight Sparkle’s flank.

As a Swapped Pony, Twilight’s taken several pages out of Dash’s old book.  For one thing, her mane’s a tad bit scruffier than her Swapped self would ever allow.  And she’s a lot more spunky, to boot.

RAINBOW DASH

(just as loving)

And a good morning to you, too, Hot Stuff.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Give me some sugar, big girl.

They deep-kiss each other.

RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER

Twilight Sparkle.   Before the Swap, she was Princess Celestia’s faithful student, Bearer of the Element of Magic, and my loving herdmate.  Now she’s Ponyville’s faithful weathermare, Bearer of the Element of Loyalty, and STILL my loving herdmate.

They’re still deep-kissing.  Both their tails are swishing energetically.

RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER

My Lero-side loves Twilight because she’s half-me, half-the-original-Twilight: two sweet marefriends of his wrapped up into one.  My Dash-side loves Twilight too.  Half for all the ‘Twilight-ness’ she still has.  But the other half... I know this sounds weird, but I LIKE this newer, sassiest, less-eggheady version of her!  I don’t mind letting her borrow half my personality, it suits her real well!  How could we NOT be madly in love with her and glad to have her as our main squeeze?

Finally, their lips separate.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

WOW.  That was... I haven’t felt this good since I first cast the Diamond Hailstorm!

RAINBOW DASH

(nuzzling her)

C’mon... let’s go have breakfast.

As Spike, Rainbow Dash, and Twilight continue towards the kitchen, Dash’s voiceover continues.

RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER

Before the Swap, I used to have both of Twilight’s jobs: weathermare and Element of Loyalty.  Now I’m a masseur, working at Aloe and Lotus’ spa.  And I ain't the bearer of Diddly-Squat.  This whole Swap happened because of this unfinished spell which Princess Celestia sent Twilight.  When she cast it, just to see what it did, she ended up Swapping the personalities and the Cutie Marks of everyone in the house with her.  Except for Spike.  For some bizarre reason, the Swap decided it didn’t like dragons.

The nearer they approach the kitchen, though, the louder they can hear the noise of VERY BAD HARP-PLAYING.

RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER

Cutie Marks are okay and all, but having a SWAPPED Mark REALLY messes with your head.  Trust me: between having a Swapped Cutie Mark, and being a blank flank, it’s MUCH better going bare.  I was able to figure out what had REALLY happened to all of us.  The moment I did, Discord pulled me aside and explained a lot of things to me... about his Bewitchment, about the Element of Magic being the ONLY one who could fix this mess... and about his Exemption List.

LYRA

(shouting from the kitchen)

WOULD YOU PUT THAT THING DOWN ALREADY?!

Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, and Spike enter the kitchen.

Lyra now bears Twilight Sparkle’s old Star Mark on her flank... but it’s nigh-impossible to see it for all the books surrounding her.

Lero... while still human... is every bit as unashamedly butt-naked as your garden-variety pony.  Lyra’s old Clàrsach Mark has been shifted over to the side of Lero’s right hip.  Lyra’s old clàrsach sits in his hands.  He plays it with all the talent and grace of a one-year-old.

Both of them are VERY high-strung, on their last nerve with each other.

LYRA

(screaming)

I can’t even hear myself THINK with you plinking away at that harp of yours!

LERO

(also screaming)

  It’s NOT a harp!  It’s a clàrsach!  A clàrsach!!!

RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER

Ah, Lero.  Dear, sweet, screwed-up-way-more-than-the-rest-of-my-family Lero.  Before his Swap, there were only four places you’d catch him naked: the bathtub, the shower, the bedroom, and the doctor’s office.  I should know.  Half of me used to BE him.

LERO

As the great Still Way Grandmaster Strawflower said, “Know the difference between one thing and another, lady!”

RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER

Lero’s new Swapped Memories are pretty much the polar opposite of MY Swapped Memories.  He believes he was born in Equestria, the biological son of the mare and stallion who’d actually given birth to Lyra.  For some reason, no pony ever saw anything particularly NON-ponyish about him, growing up.

Rainbow Dash snickers to herself.

RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER

In fact, here’s a fun little factoid: whenever that bigot, Honeydew, gives Lero grief nowadays, it’s NEVER because he’s a huge, monkeyish biped with hands inside of forelegs.  Oh no.  It’s because he... a ‘normal Equestrian’... became the herdmate of ‘that loathsome alien carnivore, Rainbow Dash.’  I swear, it’s ALWAYS fun whenever Twilight gets in between me and her and chases her off!

Dash looks up and down Lero’s body.  First she smiles dreamily, then her face curdles in disgust, then she smiles again, before curdling once more...

RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER

Half of me loves how sexy Lero still is.  But the Lero-half INSIDE of me’s more than a little mortified by many things.  Seeing ‘my old body’ walk around with his wang dangling free like some kind of gorilla.  He hates feeling attraction to ‘his old body,’ especially when the four of us are in the bedroom, getting it on.  The Lero-ness in me me almost sees it as a necessary evil, since it DOESN’T want the Dash-part of me forgetting I’m attracted to his body.

(brief pause)

"How do I stay sane?"  You ask?  A simple combination of iron will, lack of a cutie mark, and the power of love.

Lero plucks more strings, every note off-key.

RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER

And before you ask, no, he’s no Still Way Grandmaster.  You need  a horn for that.  Instead, he makes up for it by being a super-obsessive harpist and philosopher.

LYRA

 I’M TRYING TO FIND A CURE FOR OUR CONDITION!  You’re playing no better today than you were a month ago!  Once I find a war to fix this talent-deletion spell of Starswirl’s, then every note of yours will be beautiful again, but until I do, don’t even bother picking it up!!!

RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER

Yes, you heard it right.  My Swapped herdmates believe that Starswirl’s spell caused them to LOSE their talents, not Swap with each other.  And just in case it isn’t obvious enough, Lyra the Librarian is, like, a bajillion times the egghead Twilight Sparkle was.  Actually, as far as Swapped Ponies go, Lyra’s not so bad.  Even before being Swapped, she had a lot of the same skill set as Twilight did.  It’s just that Lero’s strumming really gets on her nerves.

Lero holds up the clàrsach again.

LERO

In the words of the great Still Way Grandmaster, Profound Koan, “You’re not my moth...!”

At that moment, Rainbow Dash goes over and hugs Lero, while Spike and Twilight go to hug Lyra... knocking over quite a few books in the process.

RAINBOW DASH

Please, guys, let’s not fight!

SPIKE

Yeah, come on, we’re family!

Guilty, Lero and Lyra look at each other and hug.

LYRA

I’m so sorry, Lero.

LERO

To quote the great Still Way Grandmaster Hushpuppy, “such pettiness is beneath me.”

They kiss.

DING-DONG!  The doorbell’s rung.

RAINBOW DASH

I’ll get it!

She trots over towards the doorway.

RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER

Even though I’m not the one destined to cure my family, I’m doing what I can to bring them stability.  Equilibrium.  Just yesterday, I succeeded with Twilight Sparkle: one down, two to go!  But I didn’t do it alone.

She opens the door.  There stands ALL the other Element Bearers!  Fluttershy, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity!   Each one of them has the correct marks on, all of them are their proper SELVES

RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER

(very gladdened)

Girls!  Great to see you!

Pinkie Pie springs up and down.

PINKIE PIE

You too, Dashero!

RAINBOW DASH

“Dashero?”

PINKIE PIE

Or maybe you like “Rainbellerophon” better?

Rainbow Dash laughs and shakes her head.

RAINBOW DASH

Pinkie, for the hundredth time, it’s just “Rainbow Dash.”  It’s always been Rainbow Dash.

APPLEJACK

Yer threads’re lookin’ very rugged ‘n’ masculine, this morning.

RAINBOW DASH

(flattered)

Aw, thanks!

(second thought: should I be flattered?)

Wait...

Fluttershy peers behind Rainbow Dash into the house’s interior.

FLUTTERSHY

How are they doing, in there?

RAINBOW DASH

Better than usual.  But Lero and Lyra got into a fight.  Give me a second to go set some extra plates.  After the way you helped Twilight the other day, we’d love to have you over for breakfast!

The other girls follow Rainbow Dash inside.

RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER

Discord saw fit to allow a few others in on the truth, a few who were Exempted from bewitchment.  All my other Element-Bearing friends... plus Spike.  And the Dash-side of me... no, ALL of me is blessed to have such wonderful friends as these, willing to go to any length to help me and my family.  I’d like to think me and my family would've been have been just as committed to helping all of them, had the horseshoe on the other hoof.

Round Seventeen: Upon Her Seventh Birthday

Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Seventeen: Upon Her Seventh Birthday

Spoilers Up To Chapter 21

Question 1:FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Lyra:

How many languages do you speak, and where did you learn them?

LYRA

I’m proficient in four languages.  Bitalian, Prench, Neighponese, and the language you and I are speaking now.  I learned Bitalian and Prench during my teenage years, at school; the Neighponese is self-taught.  I keep myself fluent in the other languages by reading many foreign books, watching many foreign movies, and keeping a fair number of foreign friends.

Question 2: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Princess Celestia,

Before Luna's return, who would have taken power if you'd for some reason been incapacitated?

PRINCESS CELESTIA

In case such a thing happened, power would’ve passed to my most trusted Grand Vizier; Sinister Serpent.

She points a hoof over at a tall, thin, sly, devious, untrustworthy, snake of a pony.  He’s dressed all in villainous black, with a twisted mustache and beard.  Jafar in pony form.

But then Princess Celestia steps in front of her Grand Vizier, laughing.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

Ha ha ha!  I’m sorry, that was just a joke of mine.  In truth, the next-in-line for power would’ve been Princess Cadence.  In the event of my incapacitation or worse, Sinister Serpent would’ve automatically been demoted to a janitorial position at a military outpost we have at the heart of the South Pole.

Sinister Serpent glowers at the Princess of the Sun.

Question 3: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Discord,

If you'd engineered the Swap, which five individuals would have exchanged destinies?

DISCORD

Too fun!  Let me see... Princess Celestia would swap with Zecora, because I'd LOVE to see her rhyme and live by herself in the middle of the Everfree!  Then Zecora would swap with  Princess Cadence, because I’d love to see how she'd take to being put in charge of the Crystal Empire.  And then I’d swap Cadence into Rainbow Dash’s role... because I’d LOVE to see the look on Lero’s face, having the Princess of Love, herself, think he was the greatest thing alive with Y chromosomes!  Then I’d have Rainbow Dash swap into Princess Celestia’s role... just because I’d want to see whether or not our favorite masseur would run out to Canterlot and try to win the heart of Rainbow Dash the Sun Princess, the same way I’ve watched him enamor himself to Rainbow Dash the Animal Caretaker!

Unexpectedly, a soft, admiring smile winds up his face.

DISCORD

Because if he somehow managed that trick... in spite of all the astronomical odds against him, if he got hooked up to a Sun Princess... ooh-hoo-hoo!  Wouldn’t HE be set for life!

Suddenly, a winged telephone flies up and rings in his ear.  He picks up the receiver.

DISCORD

(into phone)

What’s that?  You say that that’s FOUR individuals, not five?  Okay, okay... hmm... then how about this: me and Shining Armor swap with each other?  One, because I think I’d make a GREAT ruler, Two, because I actually think Zecora's kind of cute!  Three, because the idea of being Swapped appeals to my chaotic side!  And Four... because I think Shining Armor has all the makings of a great Chaos God!

Then he hears a response from the phone.

DISCORD

What’s that?  “Now it’s SIX instead of five?”  Well, you’re just never happy, are you?!

And he hangs up in a huff.

Question 4: Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Lyra:

What was Old Lyra like?

LYRA

“Old Lyra” was a stupid, angry punk whose life was going nowhere.  Wasting her talents, wasting what money she had... just wasting away in general.  Especially spiritually.

Lyra picks up her harp and begins to play a harsh tune in a minor key, speaking over the sound of her music.

LYRA

Old Lyra was a rebel without a cause, who set herself against the whole wide world.  She was short-tempered, thin-skinned, and always spoiling for a fight.  In bars constantly, in jail constantly, in fights constantly, in bad relationships constantly.  Hurting others and getting hurt.  Constantly.

Her music switches to a sweet, tranquil-sounding tune in a major key.

LYRA

But then eventually came a day where she realized what the real problem was.  It wasn’t the world.  It wasn’t society.  It wasn’t ‘The Establishment.‘  It was HERSELF.  That was when things first began to change.

She stops playing, setting down her harp altogether.

LYRA

There’s a part of me that’ll always miss being her.

Question 5: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Rainbow Dash's Soul Hidden Inside Rarity,

So is it giving you a new perspective, riding along while Rarity happily goes at it with Twilight and Lyra? Both as a new experience for a bent pony, and as a pegasus getting to be on the inside of a unicorn's carnal techniques?

Rainbow Dash is flying through the air, late at night.

INNER RAINBOW DASH

You bet your dock it’s given me new perspective!   Now, don’t get me wrong.  I’m sorry to say, there’s a speed junkie part of me that’ll ALWAYS be sore that I’ll never be able to join the Wonderbolts, as a unicorn.  That I’ll never be able to feel the air catch in my feathers.

Landing on the sands of her beach, she climbs into a hammock.  Tiki torches, nearby, provide light.

INNER RAINBOW DASH

But you want to know something?  Unicorn magic plus straightness make for a pretty SWEET consolation prize!  I mean, even outside the bedroom, it’s awesome for us to be able to summon clouds and shoot fire!  Not to mention, we at least have a way of being able to fly.  But INSIDE the bedroom... oh, ho, ho!  We love being able to use the empathy spell on Twilight just like Twilight always did on us... Lyra and Lero, too!  And telekinesis is just a joy... endless possibilities!

She lifts a coconut shell up to her lips and drinks an icy-cold tropical cocktail out of it through a drinking straw.

INNER RAINBOW DASH

But now let’s talk about the straightness.  When you’re a bent mare, you’re always a little bit looked down upon and pitied for favoring one gender but not the other.  And while we usually like to stand out from the crowd, it feel so good, so NORMAL to walk down the street, spot another mare and feel a brief flutter of attraction.

Then suddenly her face goes hard.

INNER RAINBOW DASH

Not that we’d EVER act on it!  Not with a stranger!  Not with anypony outside our herd, never ever, ever, ever, ever!

Then she turns emotional eyes upwards toward the heavens.  The stars all form constellations of Lero, Lyra, and Twilight Sparkle.

INNER RAINBOW DASH

Lero... Lyra... Twilight... they all came to accept us for what we’ve become.  No, not just accept... they’ve come to love us and fully embrace us in every way!  I thought Lero... I was prepared for Lero to never... never again... but he DID, and...

She swallows, wiping a happy tear from her eyes.

INNER RAINBOW DASH

We love them all with all our heart, and we’ll stay loyal and true to them forever.

Then she looks back towards the readers, swaying back and forth gently on her hammock.

INNER RAINBOW DASH

Though, for the immediate time being, we intend to make good use of our straightness by paying special attention to Lyra, (but don’t think for a second we’re forgetting Twilight or Lero!)   She’s been so patient and kind and understanding about my old bent pegasus self... now that’s she’s come to love us, I want to pay her back for all her goodness.  Especially over the next week or two.

Question 6: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Whatever Part Of Rarity Was Awake Enough To Defend Her Fashionista Honor When Lero Pretended To Talk About Dreams A While Back,

So just how are you taking the change in your relationship with Twilight, too? You've been friends, and now she knows you're amazing in the sack. Even if you don't join the herd, think you might try to (openly and above-board, of course) have some friends-with-benefits followups with Twilight and/or Lyra after the Swap ends, even if your restored self is once again not into humans?

Rarity lays on her, way late at night.  Lero, Twilight, and Lyra are all in bed with her.  Suddenly, her eyes snap open.  We will be referring to her as ‘INNER RARITY.’  She glances around at everything; her own body, the room, the others sleeping next to her...

INNER RARITY

(shaky, amazed voice)

I... I did it!

She clambers out of bed and heads into the bathroom, staring at herself in the mirror.   It should definitely be noted that she is a BLANK FLANK.

INNER RARITY

I can’t believe it worked!  I saved up my strength... I fought my way through... and I’m back again...  AAHH!!!

She gives a sharp cry of pain as her Rainbow Mark slowly fades back into being.

INNER RARITY

No!  NO!

She races out the bedroom.  The noise of her hooves on the floor rouses Lero from sleep.

Now, Rarity’s in the kitchen, throwing open the refrigerator.

INNER RARITY

Gotta stay awake... can’t let myself get dragged back down!  Would caffeine help?!

She pulls out a can of soda.  For a second, she grimaces in distaste at the carbonated drink, then chugs it down.

INNER RARITY

No good, no effect whatsoever!

Then, on the kitchen table, she spots some of Twilight’s research books.   Desperately, she tries flipping through the pages.

INNER RARITY

Ungghh... I don’t even know where to begin to look!

LERO

Rarity?

Rarity looks towards the door, where Lero stands.  The human gapes at the Rainbow Mark, which is faded, but coming in stronger.

INNER RARITY

Lero!  Help me!

He runs over to their side.

LERO

Of course!  Of course I’m going to help you!  What’s wrong?!

INNER RARITY

The clouds!  All the clouds shooting their rainbow-colored lightning bolts... I was able to push through them, but now they’re chasing after me, Lero, they’re closing in on me!  They’ll corral me back to the deepest portents of my own mind...

Not knowing what else to do, Lero throws his arms around the white unicorn.

LERO

It’s okay, Rarity!  I’m here!  Just be strong, we can get through this!

INNER RARITY

Oh, Lero, so much has happened, and there’s so much I have to say about the time I’ve spent being part of this herd... and the way I really feel about y....

Her body collapses but Lero already has his arms around the unicorn, preventing a bad fall.  He watches her flank; the Rainbow Mark returns completely.  Rarity’s head lifts.

RARITY

(her Swapped self again)

Oh!  Oh, my!  What has happened?  It’s late, isn’t it?

LERO

Do you... remember anything, Rarity?

RARITY

(blinks)

It’s very fuzzy.  I remember getting up from bed and looking at myself in the mirror.  I remember going downstairs and drinking a soda, then skimming through some books, and then saying some things to you, though I can’t remember what.

She looks behind her.  The fridge’s door is still opened, and an empty soda can rolls on the floor.

RARITY

Oh my stars... it really happened, didn’t it?  So am I a sleepwalker then?

LERO

I don’t know.

RARITY

Well, I ought to schedule an appointment with a doctor and have myself looked at.  In the meantime, I ought to get to bed.  There’s heavy winds scheduled early tomorrow.

She kisses Lero’s lips.

RARITY

Sorry for worrying you, my sweet prince.

And she trots away, returning back to bed.

Question 7: FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Twilight,

What are your thoughts on the "mind beach"?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well, it’s given me much food for thought, to be sure!  The scholar in me is fascinated!

She pulls over a blackboard.  We see that Twilight has several sticks of colored chalk with her; and she proceeds to draw.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Now, on one hoof, I don’t pretend to have enough knowledge of a soul’s inner works to adequately map out a soul, the way neurosurgeons can map out a physical brain.  So bear with me for this simplistic representation.

She finishes drawing quickly.  The finished outline has a slightly-disquieting resemblance to a diagram of the human urinary system:

At the top-left of the blackboard floats a blue-colored ‘kidney’ which Twilight has labeled: RAINBOW DASH.

At the top-right of the blackboard floats a white-colored ‘kidney’ which Twilight has labeled: RARITY.

At the bottom-center of the blackboard is a blueish-white ‘bladder’ which Twilight has labeled: SWAPPED RARITY.

Connecting the ‘bladder’ to both ‘kidneys’ are two... uh... ‘ureters.‘  A blue one connects the bladder to the Rainbow Dash kidney while a white one leads to the Rarity kidney.

Twilight points a stick at the blueish-white bladder.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Now, as we all already know, that the soul of “Swapped Rarity,” “Rarity The Weathermare,” however you wish to refer to her, is a composite of both Rainbow Dash’s and Rarity’s souls.  But now I learn that’s NOT the whole story!

Twilight’s stick moves to the Rainbow Dash kidney.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Somewhere, floating in the depths of my Swapped herdmate’s psyche, there exists a part which is pure, unalloyed, unadulterated RAINBOW DASH.  Who apparently dwells upon a metaphysical beach... and alternates between referring to herself in the first person plural and first person singular.

She then points her stick at the Rarity kidney.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

I could be wrong, but it is my belief that in some OTHER part of her psyche, there must also exist a pure portion of RARITY.  Rarity the Fashionista.

Twilight then points at both ureters, trailing down into where they open up in the bladder.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

My working theory is that both the Rarity half and the Dash half are constantly channeling their personalities into this... ‘mixing-zone,’ where they are blended together in a sort of soul emulsion, creating the persona of ‘Swapped Rarity!’

She beams, very proud of herself.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Now,  while the scholar of me is fascinated, the inquirer in me is overflowing with questions.  Like... why a beach?  As much as Rainbow Dash loved flying around the great outdoors, I don’t remember her having a special fondness for beaches.  Are they ALL living in beaches?  Or does it vary?  Like... a castle for Rarity, a mountaintop for Applejack, a desert for Fluttershy, a swamp for Pinkie Pie...?

She shakes her head.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

And how self-aware is Rainbow Dash?  Does she know she’s swapped...?  Is she comfortable in that existence?  Does she feel any resentment towards Rarity?

(softer)

Or me, for that matter?

(normal voice)

To what extent is she aware of the outside world?  Does she even miss the other half of her original soul?  How does she interact with the ‘Rarity’ half, if at all?  Does she ever get lonely on that beach, or feel trapped?  Does she eat well?  Like... I don’t know, are there metaphysical coconut trees on that metaphysical beach to provide her sustenance?

She shrugs her shoulder.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Finally, there’s the herd-sister in me.  That part of me, well, I’ll put it this way.  From now on, whenever I make love to Rarity, I’m going to make sure she casts the empathy spell on me, every time.  In the hopes that one day, it might go wrong in just the right way.  Then I, too, can stand on that beach and see Rainbow Dash... my dear pegasus.  See love in her eyes for me again.  And then I can spend one precious, priceless minute, hugging her, and feeling her hug me back with her wings, and we can tell each other how much we love each other.

Question 8: Warpd Asks:

Dear Mike,

So how many times has Celestia given this incomplete spell to be completed?

Mike Teavee pulls clothes out of his dryer and begins to fold them.

MIKE TEAVEE

I’ll put it this way: when Twilight Sparkle tried the spell, it was the SECOND time in recorded history that it was ever cast.   The first time was done by Starswirl... and at the time, the poor guy was ignorant of the fact that it WAS incomplete.  So then... why Twilight Sparkle?  Why assign HER and not the hundreds of scholars and students that preceded her from Sunset Shimmer on down?

Then Mike takes the wet clothes out of his washing machine and puts them in his dryer.

MIKE TEAVEE

Two reasons.  First, between Nightmare Moon, Discord, Queen Chrysalis and King Sombra... not to mention the deep bonds of friendship she’d formed with her fellow Element Bearers, Twilight Sparkle distinguished herself with honors.  The other... (and perhaps MORE important reason) was Discord.  While Princess Celestia DID have other accomplished and truehearted students in the past... the one thing she DIDN’T have, until now, was Discord as an ally.

Finally, Mike adds a load of towels into his washing machine.

MIKE TEAVEE

For all the misery Twilight Sparkle and her herd have had to suffer through the course of this story... it would’ve gone a THOUSAND times worse, if not for the Bewitchment which Discord provided.  This is why Celestia bided her time until now.

Mike pours in a small bit of laundry detergent and activates the washing machine.

Question 9: Warpd Asks:

Dear Rarity:

So how did it go when you and Lero first hit upon the idea of having a herd?

Rarity turns the faucet on her bathtub.

RARITY

Oh, it went well!  From the moment he accepted my rose, it was clear that both of us intended to share a lifelong commitment to one another.  But of course, then came the dilemma of his monogamous upbringing versus my polygamous one.

While the bathtub is still filling, Rarity pours in some liquid soap, so the bathwater gets all bubbly.

RARITY

But in the end, Lero was a gracious gentlestallion.  He left the decision of whether we’d go beyond a herd of two up to me.  He said, “If you’d prefer to share, if herds are the cultural norm here, I can change.”  Such sweetness.  Such trust...

The bathtub’s full.  She shuts the water off and climbs inside.

RARITY

Of course, you all know what I picked.  What can I say?  There are some ponies who love to spit in the face of tradition, especially when it comes to love.  Not me though!   I’m a strict traditionalist, and a diehard devotee of the storybook romance.  A group of mares, as much in love with each other as the stallion they all share and protect!  There couldn’t be a finer family unit!

WARPD

When he accepted who was the first you had in mind?

RARITY

Twilight Sparkle.  Absolutely no question.  She’s always been so lovable.  How absolutely lucky I was that she was as interested in me as I was in her!

WARPD

So how was your first heat with Lero as your boyfriend, before and after Twilight told you about the chromosome differences.

RARITY

Wait, wait... what?  That never happened!  Twilight never needed to tell me that there’s a chromosome difference between Lero and myself!  That was blindingly obvious!  After all, I learned all about chromosomes back as a schoolgirl!

She starts to laugh.

RARITY

I mean, what kind of uneducated rube would you have to be to look between an ungulate like myself and a primate like Lero and wonder: same number of chromosomes?!  Ah ha ha ha!

She dunks her head into the soapy water, and resurfaces, wet-maned.

RARITY

Regardless, my first heat with Lero was MAGICAL.

Question 10: Ghrathryn Asks:

Dear Honeydew:

You know, Honeydew, I'm curious, you've got a family that has most of  the common pony types (earth and air) yet you're more bigoted against non-ponies than most anyone else.

Honeydew squints.

HONEYDEW

I feel like there’s some great irony or contradiction you’re attempting to point out.  But of course, you’re just a dumb monkey, so I couldn’t understand your completely dumb monkey gibberish.

GHRATHRYN

What is it about humans and dragons in particular that rubs your fur the wrong way?

HONEYDEW

Well, as far as that dragon-servant goes... nothing!  Nothing whatsoever!  Oh, except for the minor matter that he’ll grow up to be a HUGE FIRE-BREATHING TOWN-DESTROYING MONSTER!!!   It’s already happened once!  The monster revealed his true nature on his birthday, one time!  Oh, Princess Celestia’s ‘official reports’ say it was some other dragon... but I know the truth!  I know that coloration of those scales!  That thing needs to be put down!

She walks over, pulling a book from her library.

HONEYDEW

As for the human... well, let’s just say I’ve never been a fan of interspecies relationships to begin with.  But monkeys are just nasty, FILTHY creatures, through and through!   I’ve been called an ignorant bigot, but I actually READ UP on these things!

She shows the cover of the book she’s pulled out:  PRIMATES: THE SCUM OF THE JUNGLE.

HONEYDEW

And the fact that he’s sentient or sapient... or whatever the term is... that changes nothing!  Imagine a sentient alien came to your world, except this alien had evolved from DUNG BEETLES!   Does the idea of a manure-muncher getting jiggy with your females fill your heart with love and acceptance?  Do you feel respect for the girl who gave herself to the manure-muncher?  I didn’t THINK so!

GHRATHRYN

I'm also curious as to how you'd react if you ended up with a thestrel in the family...

HONEYDEW

Oooh, a thestral would actually be COOL!

GHRATHRYN

...or worse a changeling...

HONEYDEW

A changeling?  Ha!  Good thing I’m a martial artist!  If I discovered a member of my family was a changeling, I’d take great pride in trampling the parasitic identity thief to death under my own hooves!   Vampiric emotion eaters... the Mayor would give me a medal for my bravery!

GHRATHRYN

...or a lothryn (the horse/wolf equivalent on Harrenthias. Big four-footed reptile like creatures with warm blood and a tendency to bond with either their pack or the Franthryn that raises them)...

Honeydew quirks her head at Ghrathryn.

HONEYDEW

Are you... suffering from some kind of severe science fiction obsession?  Or is this just flat-out dementia?  Because last I checked, I live in Equestria, not this ‘Harrenthias’ place.  Either way, I now find you twenty times more repulsive to be around.

GHRATHRYN

Would you treat them as badly as you do Lero and Spike or would you see them as family?

HONEYDEW

Well, the ‘lothryn’ thing you describe, I’d probably cage it and charge money for ponies to gawk at it!

GHRATHRYN

Actually the last goes for your sisters as well.

HONEYDEW

(coldly)

I’m not interested in discussing my sisters.

GHRATHRYN

I'm also curious as to whether you've ever thought about what it would be like to be the one female of your kind on a completely different world? Say you three, separately, end up on one version or another of Earth where you're the only talking pony in a good few hundred miles and while many are able to look at you as at least 'intelligent' but there's one family that picks on you because you're different and you're not able to do much against them for fear of getting hurt or killed (yes I know humans are physically weaker, but we have plenty of choices of tool or weapon, some of which can kill beyond normal line of sight).

Honeydew barks out laughter.

HONEYDEW

Ha!  Trying to play that tired old ‘what-if-his-horseshoe-was-on-your-hoof’ card, huh?  Not gonna fly with me!  I’ve read up on bonobos, and I guarantee you, that’s what the bearded biped  is at heart: a bonobo!  A sex fiend!  I’d sooner DIE -- I’d sooner drown myself, or run into the forest and get eaten by a wild animal, than have to live amongst a whole PLANET dominated by bonobos!  Owing my life to them, dependent on their mercy as all of them -- young, old, male and female -- bump and grind their filthy monkey bodies on me, day and night!

She thinks a bit.

HONEYDEW

Though come to think of it, I’m pretty sure that if you asked Honeybee, she MIGHT cooperate with the apes.  She’s a survivalist.  Honeysuckle... could go either way with her.

Question 11: BadWolf9510 States:

Chun an Ridire,

Chaos den sórt sin i do theach, ridire daor! Ní mór tighearna choinneáil ar a chuid seirbhíseach i sheiceáil. Ach ní raibh mé ag teacht chun labhairt ar nithe den sórt sin. Is é an ghealach nua buailte linn. Tar go dtí an bhforaois.

Ní mór dúinn freastal anois, ridire.

Lero enters the clearing in front of the tree. The area seems more... alive? There is energy here. It is alien but so very familiar to him.  The fairy ring which Lero created the last time he was here pulses with power: rock and flower alike.

A voice calls out. It is everywhere but no where. It is a single mouth that speaks but carries a cacaphony of a choir with it, terrible but harmonious at the same time.

HER LADYSHIP’S MESSENGER

(just a voice)

So you came, knight.  To be honest, we weren't sure if you would show at all.  But then again, you mortals were always soft-hearted.

LERO

At least I have a heart!  I left Her Ladyship's service before mine turned as cold and ashen as hers.  Speaking of which, how fares the goodly Lady?

HER LADYSHIP’S MESSENGER

Well enough. Her wrath scoured much of the realm after you disappeared. Your betrayal left a sour taste in her mouth, and many a servant scourged in the search to find you.  But she is willing to put it behind her.  You were her favorite, after all, an it does break her poor heart to see your plight.

LERO

(smiles)

In spite of everything, there still remains a small soft spot in my heart for her.

(turns serious)

Now… to business.  I understand that I *will* definitely be having a daughter?  My own seed, planted within my future wives?

HER LADYSHIP’S MESSENGER

The oracles looked into their still waters and it is true.  The warrior shall bear your first and the scholar shall bare the second.  It will be difficult for them both... but you *will* be a father in these lands.

LERO

(aside, to himself)

She'll do it… Twilight will actually figure out how... oh my dear girls… and Rarity…

(refocuses himself, addresses the Messenger)

This is… good news.  And I further understand that, in exchange for the Cure which my scholar seeks… I am to supply you with this child of mine?  Is this correct?

HER LADYSHIP’S MESSENGER

Yes. The lady shall require a child from your family, one that can serve her.  Additionally, the Lady will leave you and your herd in peace. She will no longer pursue you.

Lero licks his lips.

LERO

May I humbly suggest a slight… renegotiation?  In place of my future daughter, what if I were to offer Her Ladyship a prize she would surely find to be of equal, nay, GREATER value?

The Messenger gives a slight chuckle.

HER LADYSHIP’S MESSENGER

And what would that be? What could you offer her?

Lero kneels in a knightly way.

LERO

Myself.  My sword and my fealty would be hers once more.  I would be her Knight once more.  Instead of surrendering my daughter to Her Ladyship upon her seventh birthday, as originally promised… I offer myself, on the same day.  Messenger, I humbly beseech you ask your Lady if my offer meets with her favor.

Lero becomes aware that he is no longer alone in the grove. He looks up and sees a new being in front of him.

The creature is a head taller than him, thinly built, but with signs of wiry muscle beneath yellowed skin.  He is bare chested but covered in tattoos that ripple and shift before him.

The creature has no eyes.  His head is bare of any hair, instead sporting a pair of brown horns to swoop back then upwards.  A pair of black wings spread out from behind him.

When he speaks, a set of sharp teeth is revealed behind his cracked lips.

HER LADYSHIP’S MESSENGER

You would do this thing? Give up your freedom for the sake of a child that does not yet exist?

LERO

I would be naught but the most craven of cowards to do otherwise.

The Messenger’s  wings flare upwards and eight golden eyes open along them. They all focus on Lero.

HER LADYSHIP’S MESSENGER

...ha... ha ha ha! HAHAHAHA!!  Just when I think I have you mortals finally understood, you continue to amaze me!

Lero merely glares coldly at the messenger.

HER LADYSHIP’S MESSENGER

Very well, knight. I shall deliver your terms to the Lady.  But know this: if you agree to this, there shall be no going back. You are bound by your word and Wyrd in this bargain.  Should you break your oath... every one of the Courts shall hunt you and your kin.  It will be war that likes this world have never known.

LERO

I understand.  I eagerly await Her Ladyship's response.

HER LADYSHIP’S MESSENGER

As do I, knight.

With a mocking bow, the Messenger steps backward into the fairy ring, disappearing.

Round Eighteen: Female Fathers

Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Eighteen: Female Fathers

Spoilers Up To Chapter 26

Question 1: Super Big Mac Asks:

Dear Sleipnir,

Who makes a better god of mischief, your mother Loki, or Discord?

SLEIPNIR

No offense against Mom, but I’d honestly have to say ‘Discord.’  Discord eventually turned over a new leaf and was able to get along with others.  Mom’s attitude with others got progressively worse as time went on, until... well, let’s just say you don’t see Discord doomed to remain bound in the entrails of his own son, beneath the mouth of a serpent that'll drip excruciatingly painful venom onto his body until the day of Ragnarok.

Question 2: Ironwright, (by way of Super Big Mac) Offers:

Oi, Lero! I know tha' yer a far cry from me regulars in tha Royal Guard, but what would ya say if I were ta make ya summa me best armor just in case ya end up in a bit'uva bad sit'ation? I dinnae when I'll 'ave it forged by, but I can even make it 'ard as diamond an' thrice as light. An' yea, Shinin' did put me up ta this, but I ain't one ta hold a grudge o'er tha'. Ya are courtin' the magical third o' Equestria's greatest defence. Tell me when ya want tha' armor, an' I'll keep me forge ready ta go.

LERO

Y’know what?  Yeah, I’d like that!  Who am I to turn down such a handsome gift?  And like you say, who knows WHEN the next bad situation’s gonna turn up?  Heck, I’d’ve KILLED for a great suit of armor back when Angel Bunny was at his worst, so, yeah!  I’ll stop by your place, first chance I get... I’m sure you’ll need to take my measurements!  How’s next Saturday sound to you?

Question 3: Warpd States:

Honeydew:

No little horse, *you** are the sexual deviant. Your society's standard relationship is polygamy, the majority of humans find that lifestyle appalling.*

HONEYDEW

Well, that’s humankind’s problem, not mine.  Really, there’s no accounting for bad taste.  And the fact that human marriages are strict two-partners-only affairs just goes to show how inferior monkey brains are to ponies’.  They can’t HANDLE more than two!  It always comes out WRONG when MONKEYS do it.

WARPD

Also you think far too much about bonobos and how they will grind on you, get over it you lecherous beast of burden.

HONEYDEW

If... if I’m a beast of burden, then YOU’RE nothing but an organ grinder!  Ha!  See?  See what I did there, organ grinder?!  I can call you names too!  So go back to grinding your filthy organ with the other bonobos, and don’t even think of touching mine!

Question 4: FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Discord,

I have to applaud the use of anticipation as the first round of punishment. Sometimes less really is more. I won't ask for your thoughts on what you'll inflict on Spike when (or even if) the time comes, but would you care to share some rejected ideas?

DISCORD

Certainly!  A guy like me HAS to be able to come up with all sots of good punishments, otherwise you end up with a lot of uppity mortals walking all over you!  Plus, it’s chaotically delicious!   I’ve come up with a top ten list.

He pulls out a top ten list.

DISCORD

10:  Teleport Spike to the dimension where gems eat dragons.

9:  Bewitch Spike AFTER everyone else is un-Bewitched, (assuming the Swapped are cured.)

8:  Give him a verbal tic where every fifth word out of his mouth is ‘cowabunga.’

7:  Replace his voice with Bobcat Goldthwait’s.

6:  Cast a curse on Spike so he absolutely MUST obey ANYTHING anyone tells him to do.

5:  Recreate the Ten Labors of Hercules for him to perform.

4:  Personally intrude on every dream Spike has at night from here until he enters adulthood.

3:  Trap him in a spaceship and force him to watch force him to watch cheesy movies, the worst I can find, and he'll try to keep his sanity while I monitor his mind.

  #2:  Maroon him in my wonderland of chaos, and leave him there to wander until I’ve forgiven him.

1:  Make him ‘discorded’ for a little while.

Question 5: Warpd Asks:

Dear Spike:

Favorite Comic Book Hero?

Spike lowers a comic he’s currently reading.

SPIKE

If I HAD to pin it down to one hero, it’d be Radiance from the Power Ponies.  Not only is she just so dreamy, her powers allow for a LOT of possibilities!

Then he sighs at a stack of other comics on his shelf.

SPIKE

But when it comes to superheroes, I hate playing favorites.  There’re so many others with a lot to love.  There’s the other Power Ponies... classic heroes like Batmare and Supermare... I even enjoy a lot of the manega from Neighpon!  Like, say, Rubber Monkey from Single Component... she’s funny!  Or how about Spiral Fox from the manega of the same name, or Death Strawberry from Sodium Hypochlorite!  Recently, I’ve even gotten into this DARKER manega that I know a young kid like me shouldn’t even be reading... but it’s still too much fun not to!  I love the hero, Lil’ Genocide from Assault on Giants... the story's VERY worth reading!

Question 6: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Princess Luna:

What do ponies dream about?

PRINCESS LUNA

Flying, falling, failing tests, being stalked by monsters, dying, turning ill, encountering dead relatives, drowning in water, missing the train, losing teeth, evil clowns, entering heaven, being laughed at, being a foal again, the waitress squirting ketchup all over your ice cream at your favorite restaurant, then having to eat it... ponies dream of all sorts of different dreams!  Just like humans!  But nothing like potato bugs.  Yech.  Potatoes are all they ever dream about, night after night.

SPINEL STRIDE

Do you do anything other than just help keep the nightmares away?

PRINCESS LUNA

I impart guidance and advice in dreams, too.  Sometimes, I’ll enter a good dream, and try to make it better!  Or, in cases where the dreamer should happen to be an enemy of the state, well, sometimes it behooves me to sit and eavesdrop… or even bring IN the nightmares to shake him up!

SPINEL STRIDE

Ever walk in on erotic dreams?

Luna smiles demurely.

PRINCESS LUNA

Of course I have.  My situation’s much the same as it is for therapists and priests in confessionals: the subject of sex just crops up without my asking it to be there.  Many times, ponies have come up to me in the waking world and confessed to having such dreams featuring me.  “Forgive me, Your Majesty,” they’ll ask, “But was the Luna in my dream the product of my OWN imagination... or was it really YOU doing all that to me?”  And I’ll tell them...

PRINCESS CELESTIA

(calling from the next room)

Luna!  Time to raise the moon!

PRINCESS LUNA

Coming, sister!

And she gallops off to fulfill her duty.

Question 7: Warpd Asks:

Dear Princess Celestia:

So what are you hoping will happen?

Celestia is in her private chambers.  She looks towards an old oil portrait of Starswirl the Bearded, on the wall.  Then, from there, she looks to a line of pictures of her various students and apprentices through apprentices, starting at paintings and moving to photographs; first black-and-white snapshots, then shifting to color, finally ending at a much newer photograph of herself with Twilight Sparkle.

Then Celestia looks out her window.   On a faraway balcony, Princess Luna raises the moon.  The sisters’ eyes meet, and Luna gives Celestia a reassuring smile.  The Sun Princess sighs.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

With regards to my student and Starswirl’s unfinished spell?   A great victory.  That’s what I’m hoping will happen.

Question 8: Scherzo Asks:

Dear Honeydew,

Seriously, what *is** it exactly that spawned this intense xenophobic hatred?  Any defining moment or was it just a result of your surroundings growing up?*

HONEYDEW

(testing the words out)

‘Defining moment,‘ huh?

She cracks a crooked smile.

HONEYDEW

The way you say it, it practically feels like a superhero origin story!  Like some gorilla barreled out of an alleyway and ripped my mother in two for the bananas in her shopping bag while I was a filly, making me swear vengeance on all ape-kind from then on!

She shakes her head.

HONEYDEW

And as for ‘the result of my surroundings growing up?‘  Peh!  You make it sound like my village was infested by rampaging hordes of chimps every summer... grow yourself a clue!  This is PONYVILLE not Zebrabwe!

She takes a breath.

HONEYDEW

You wanna know what caused the loathing I feel for that so-called ‘stallion?‘  The first day he came to Ponyville, all I needed was one look into his eyes... Not to mention all the rest of that grotesque body... to know everything about him was hateful and unnatural.  And there’s not a THING he’s done or said since then to disprove my first impression of him.  I should know.  I’ve kept very careful watch, all these years.  But everypony else sees that piece of filth through rose-colored glasses!  They whitewash and they sugarcoat his every repulsive deed...  and I CAN’T STAND IT!!!

Question 9: Spinel Stride and FanOfMostEverything Ask:

Dear Spike,

We know you can send and summon your Noble Dragon card with your firebreath, so you can do other things with it than fire and sending to Celestia. Got any other breath-related abilities, beyond knocking them out with halitosis before brushing your teeth in the morning?

Dear Apple Bloom,

That sister of yours seems to have discovered quite the talent for wacky gadgets. Ever think about asking her to build something to help with crusading?

SPIKE

Well, there IS this...

Pinkie Pie has constructed a complex, steampunk-style jetpack for Apple Bloom!  It’s already attached to the little filly’s back!  What’s more, Pinkie’s DUCT-TAPED Spike to the jetpack, as a key component!

Both the sisters salute each other.

PINKIE PIE

Let’s begin the countdown!  Three!

SCOOTALOO

Two!

SWEETIE BELLE

One!

PINKIE PIE

Ignition!

Spike takes a deep breath and sets fire to the jetpack’s propulsion fuel.  Up they go!

PINKIE PIE

We have liftoff!

APPLE BLOOM

(vanishing into stratosphere)

Cutie Mark Crusader Rocketeers!  YAAAY!

Question 10: Felyon Proposes:

On second thought, maybe turning Lero into the female might work [towards giving birth to a child?]  The problem was the chromosomes, right? After the ponification spell wore off then the sperm became human once more. By keeping his body altered instead, his eggs would remain ponified thus solving the problem.

It’s a lovely day out in Ponyville’s marketplace.  The sun’s shining, the grass is green, and Lero ducks-while-running in order to dodge a pink-colored ray shot from a purple unicorn stallion’s horn.

The spell flies past him and hits a willow, causing the tree to spontaneously sprout flowers.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE THE STALLION

Hold still, Lero!

LERO

Stop shooting, first!

Other ponies dodge out of the way as Twilight keeps blasting, and everything the pink rays hit switch genders.  It strikes a filly’s dolly, which turns into an action figure soldier.  One shot goes wild, hitting a plain-looking brown mallard female flying overhead: her head turns glossy green as she’s transformed into a male mallard.

But Lero runs in a zigzag pattern, and the stallion’s unable to hit the human.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE THE STALLION

(while galloping after Lero and shooting)

Lero, try to think sensibly!   You’re a human, I’m a pony: I will catch up to you the moment your adrenaline runs out!

LERO

I didn’t want to have to do this...

Lero suddenly stops and pulls a small but valuable-looking old book out of his pocket, giving Twilight a good look at its cover.  The stallion comes to a halt.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE THE STALLION

(aghast)

That’s not my first edition copy of Draw, O Coward, is it?

Lero throws the book through the open window of some other pony’s house, before Twilight can think to catch it with her telekinesis.  Twilight’s knee-jerk reaction is to leap through the window after it, while Lero flees, taking a turn down a side block.

He keeps running and running, but all of a sudden, he finds the way blocked by, of all things... a wall of miniature tornados.

RARITY THE STALLION

(calling from above)

You needn’t be frightened of a good thing, my sweet prince!

Lero looks upward in horror. As a mare, Rarity was a paradigm of elegant femininity. After being transformed into a stallion... nothing’s changed in that score. His mane and tail are just the same as they were before, as are his expressions and body language.  From atop the cloud platform he rides, Rarity flutters his eyes at Lero, and blows him a kiss.

The human goes as white as Rarity’s coat.

LERO

(choked, under-his-breath)

It’s like all my nightmares come true at once... GRK!

Lyra has snuck up behind Lero.  The aqua-colored stallion had jabbed his horn lightly upon a certain part of Lero’s back, and he collapses into a boneless heap.

He looks up at Lyra’s face from the ground.

LERO

You too, Lyra?

LYRA THE STALLION

My deepest apologies.  But we’re not letting you back out on this.  You gave us your word.

Lero tries moving a limb, but it won’t budge.

LERO

What’d you do to me, anyway?

LYRA THE STALLION

Still Way paralysis spell.  Don’t worry, it’ll wear off.

Soon enough, Twilight’s there.

TWILIGHT THE STALLION

Alright!  Time to get down to business!  Three, two, one...!

Twilight points his horn at Lero and hits him with a pink beam.  Rarity comes down from the sky and hops off his cloud platform.

LYRA THE STALLION

Whoa.  The beard’s just... gone.

RARITY THE STALLION

And he... she certainly, ah, filled out that shirt!

LERO THE WOMAN

I’m not hearing this!  I’m not hearing this!

TWILIGHT THE STALLION

Now for the big follow-up spell!

Twilight casts the Ponyfication spell on Lero, turning her into a mare.

TWILIGHT THE STALLION

(blushing)

Whoa...

Rarity approaches Lero.  By now, the paralysis has worn off.

RARITY THE STALLION

Lero, my love, may I be first to assure you that as mare, you look every bit as ravishingly desirable as you are when you’re a stallion, or a human, even if that desirability is of a slightly diff...

(eyes widen)

...My love?

Lero has risen up to a sit, but she looks distinctly unhappy, especially when looking down at her body.  Vulnerable and about to cry.  This is when Rainbow Dash the Stallion lands protectively in front of Lero the Mare, glaring down at his herdmates reproachfully.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Enough!  What do you think you’re doing, hunting Lero down like dogs after a rabbit?  You ought to be ashamed of yourselves!  This is NOT how mares treat the stallion they love!  Or vice versa!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE THE STALLION

(stammering)

But... but Lero told us that he wanted to do it...

LYRA THE STALLION

And all the rest of us went and let ourselves be changed, but when it was Lero’s turn, he chickened out...

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Yeah, that’s right!  He chickened out!  He got cold feet at the last minute!  Is that a crime?

Rarity breaks down crying.

RARITY THE STALLION

(weeping)

I... I just wanted to have a little one of my own!  A daughter or son that was Lero’s and mine!

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Well, if Lero’s not comfortable with it, then this method isn’t the answer.  We’ll have to think of something else, something which Lero will be fine with.

LERO THE MARE

No, Dash... it’s okay.

She stands back up, looking at Twilight.

LERO THE MARE

(resolutely)

Twilight, you really think this might work?  You really think me being the mare will bring us a child?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE THE STALLION

I can’t say for sure.  But it’s worth a shot, right?

LERO THE MARE

(looking slowly up and down Twilight’s body)

Then I’ll do it.

LYRA THE STALLION

Fingers... you don’t HAVE to force yourself to do this!

LERO THE MARE

(reexamines Lyra with newly interested eyes)

No. I really do want to do it now.

(licking her lips)

I believe in Twilight... and besides…

(starting to grin, turning to openly ogle Rainbow Dash)

We’ve all been wanting this for the longest time.

(turns to grin wider at Rarity)

So let’s all go home and... get busy together.

(blinks)

… Twilight, why am I…

TWILIGHT THE STALLION

Erm… I may have specified in the spell that it would turn you into a fertile mare.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Twilight, are you saying you put Lero into heat?

TWILIGHT THE STALLION

Of course I did!  The whole purpose of our transformations was to create a foal, wasn't it?

Lero stamps a hoof impatiently.

LERO THE MARE

Enough!  Enough already!  I have four of you and between you all that MIGHT be enough! Let’s get going already!

Rarity gives a girlish squeal of delight.  He nuzzles against the newly-made mare as they all start walking home.

RARITY THE STALLION

Oh, Lero, THANK you!  I know you’re a bit apprehensive... every filly is when she’s never done it before.  But I promise you, we’ll all be perfectly gentle with you for your very first time.  Trust me, you’ll come to LOVE this!

LERO THE MARE

Rarity, I’m sure later I’ll be very mad about the whole ‘heat’ thing, but right now the only thing I can think about is you gir… uh, guys. Gyah! Am I dripping something?

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

(swallowing)

A little.  Mmm.... I never appreciated how glorious that aroma was before.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE THE STALLION

I should really write down some of these observations on how physiology affects psychology...

Lero intertwines her tail with his.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE THE STALLION

...After we’re done.

LERO THE MARE

Then let’s GO!

The five of them all gallop home.

Thirty Minutes Later...

We join Spike in his bedroom. His lights are turned off, and the little dragon’s trying VERY HARD not to hear what’s taking place a few doors down in the master bedroom.

LERO THE MARE

[X-rated groaning]

RARITY THE STALLION

[X-rated grunting]

TWILIGHT SPARKLE THE STALLION

[X-rated gasping]

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

[X-rated moaning]

LYRA THE STALLION

[X-rated panting]

SPIKE

(miserably)

I wish I was back at camp.

Spike jams his pillow HARD against his ears, but he can STILL HEAR THEM at it.

LERO THE MARE

Time out!  Time out!  Everypony, time out!

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

(panting, worried)

What’s wrong?  Did I hurt you, baby?

LERO THE MARE

No.  No, nothing’s wrong, I’m okay, just... Dear GOD, how is it you know how to use those so well?!  You’re all GIRLS!

LYRA THE STALLION

One word, Fingers: coolers.

LERO THE MARE

Coolers?  That... makes a rather distressing amount of sense...

TWILIGHT SPARKLE THE STALLION

Of course it does!  Thanks to coolers, your average mare has ten times more first-hoof experience with penetration -- giving and receiving -- when they turn twenty than most stallions have at the same age!

LYRA THE STALLION

And the funny thing is how this is being on the giving end’s suddenly twenty times more MEANINGFUL as a stallion than it’d ever be for a mare with a cooler!

LERO THE MARE

(sighs, then says)

Time in, I guess.  Unnfff!!! ....aaahhh...

RARITY THE STALLION

Mmmm... Lero, you’re soooo tight, my sweet prince...ss!

LERO THE MARE

And you’re so thick, Rarity...

SPIKE

I hate my life, I hate my life, I really, really HATE my life...!

One Month Later…

All the mares of Herd Bellerophon, including Lero… who’s been kept as a mare this whole time, are all seated on a couch in an obstetrician’s office, listening in on what the Obstetrician has to report.

LYRA

Triplets, you say?

RARITY

And each individual one of them is from a different… ah… father?

OBSTETRICIAN

Yes, that is indeed what I said.

LERO THE MARE

I had no idea triplets could WORK that way.

RARITY

Oh, this is so wonderful!

She cuddles against Lero.

RARITY

Lero, this is the best gift you’ve ever given me!

LERO THE MARE

(uncomfortable, forced grin)

Yeah… all those pony transformation and feminization spells Twilight's been casting on me… I’m glad it wasn’t for nothing!  So, doctor, how long do you estimate my pregnancy will last for?

OBSTETRICIAN

Things seem to be progressing normally. I’d say about… ten more months from this point in time.

Later that night…

Twilight Sparkle is downstairs reading a book while Spike is nearby, working on a jigsaw puzzle.  She looks up at the clock.

SPIKE

Time for Lero’s next dosage?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(shuts her book)

Yes, I’d say so.

She climbs the stairs, but as she nears the master bedroom, she hears quiet sobbing.   From the doorway, she peers in to see Lero atop the bed, looking back and forth between a photo of her old human self and a personal-sized mirror.

LERO THE MARE

[Weeping]

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(softly, her heart goes out to him)

Lero...

But then she watches Lero calm down and flip both the mirror and the photograph face-down on the bed.  Shutting her eyes, Lero sits up straight.

LERO THE MARE

You’re still Lero.  You’re still the glue that holds this family together.  What’s more, you have three supremely precious little lives depending on you getting through this.  No changing back until then. So man up, Michaelides!  You can do this all by yourself!

(then she calls out)

Twilight!

Twilight Sparkle ducks her head back into the hallway.

LERO THE MARE

(from within the bedroom)

I’m ready for my next dosage!

Twilight takes a breath and calls back to Lero.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Be right there, Lero!

(then, quietly to herself)

I gotta talk to the other girls…

The next morning...

Lero’s just gotten dressed and is descending the stairs.

LERO THE MARE

(yawns, then calls out)

Morning, everyone!

SPIKE

(calling up from below)

Morning, Lero!  Breakfast is on the table!

But the former human freezes up upon her first look into the kitchen.  The other five are eating breakfast at the table.  But where yesterday, Lero’s mares were mares, today they’re very decisively not.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE THE STALLION

Good morning, sweetheart!

He kisses her.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Did you sleep well?

LERO THE MARE

(uncertainly)

Uh… yeah.

She joins them at the table, eyeing the four stallions in bafflement.

SPIKE

(excited)

It’s Prench toast today!

The young dragon holds an entire slice of buttery Prench toast upon a fork, dripping with maple syrup.  Then Rarity levitates a large platter of Prench toast towards Lero and fills up her plate with slice after slice.

RARITY THE STALLION

Please, have as much as you want!  After all, you’re eating for four now!

Lero bends close to the white stallion’s ear, trying to make sense of this.

LERO THE MARE

(whispering)

Are we scheduled for any birds-and-bees activities today?

Rarity frowns.

RARITY THE STALLION

(whispering back)

Maybe later tonight, after dinner.  But today’s a workday, Lero.  We all have jobs to go to!

LERO THE MARE

(speaking aloud)

But why are you all male then?

SPIKE

(perplexed)

Why shouldn’t they all be male?

The other five members of Lero's family all give her puzzled looks.  She falls into a horrified lapse of silence.

SPIKE

Ha ha ha ha ha!  Gotcha!

The others start laughing too.

LERO THE MARE

You little twerp!  I was just about to go find Discord and have him put me back in the right reality!

She begins eating the Prench toast in a huff.  Lyra turns to Rainbow Dash.

LYRA THE STALLION

So, Rainbow, anything noteworthy on your to-do list today?

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Well, Mrs. Hibiscus’ golden retrievers have gotten an ear infection… I’ll have to go look at them.  What about you, Lyra?

LYRA THE STALLION

There’s a Royal Guard meeting that I’m going to have to attend.

RARITY THE STALLION

And as for me; my team and I are going to be heading south to stir up a powerful westerly wind.

LERO THE MARE

Whoa, whoa, whoa!  No one’s answered my question, girls: why are you all male?

The stallions all look at Lero.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE THE STALLION

Solidarity.

LERO THE MARE

Solidarity?

RARITY THE STALLION

Yes.  Oh, my dear sweet Lero… we know we’re asking the world of you, having you give up your humanity AND your very maleness for us for a solid year.

LYRA THE STALLION

Essentially, you’re being pregnant FOR us.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

And we know how deeply your reputation has already taken a hit with everypony else.  So this is our way of showing that we would never ask you to do a thing that we’re not willing to do ourselves!  We’ve decided that if you’re going to have to suffer through having your gender bent, then we’ll be right there with you!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE THE STALLION

It may not be exactly the same as your pregnancy, but we're still sacrificing quite a lot, culturally, by turning ourselves into stallions!  But it's worth it, just so you'll always know, every step of the way, that no matter what, we’re all in the same boat!

The stallions all grin at Lero.

LERO THE MARE

Twilight, Rarity, Dash, Lyra… this is a very touching gesture.  But Twilight… you really need to switch yourselves back to girls again.  Otherwise, how’ll anyone recognize you?

Rarity turns and presents her rainbow-adorned flank.

RARITY THE STALLION

Oh, I don’t know how anypony could possibly recognize me in this state.  I might be mistaken for, I don’t know, Rainbow Dash.

He laughs, as does Rainbow Dash, while Lyra, Lero, and Twilight exchange glances.  Spike looks at all the stallions with deep admiration.

SPIKE

(deeply moved)

Whoa, you guys... this is all really BIG of you!   Now I kinda wish I could join this solidarity thing of yours too!

Smiling, Twilight charges up his horn.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

You do?  Say no more!

Spike's eyes widen: he'd spoken too soon!  His holds his hands out, trying to tell Twilight to stop!

SPIKE

Tw...!

Poof!

LYRA THE STALLION

Spike!  You're... you're...

LERO THE MARE

(squints at Spike)

Did anything even happen?

FEMALE SPIKE

(angrily and much more higher-pitched voice)

Of course it did!

LERO THE MARE

WHOA!

Lero nearly falls out of her chair.  Visually, the changes wrought in Spike are almost imperceptible, the dragon baby's now slightly curvier than before.  Vocally, though, there's no denying she's now a girl.

FEMALE SPIKE

Well, I hope you appreciate what I'm doing for you, because you REALLY owe me big THIS time, buddy!

And the new she-dragon hops off her chair and stomps off to her room.   Lero turns to the stallions.

LERO THE MARE

Please, this isn’t funny any more.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

But we're not trying to be funny, Lero.

Lero sets her hooves down firmly on the table.

LERO THE MARE

Now everyone, let’s all take a moment to discuss this matter rationally.  I’m sure I can get you to see reason.

One month later…

Twilight, Rarity, Lyra, and Rainbow Dash are still stallions.  They’re with Lero, out in the village green, trying to teach Fluttershy comedy.  Then an unwelcome passerby passes by.

HONEYDEW

Freaks!  Freaks!  Super-freaks!  Super-freaks!  You’re super-freaky!  Go back to the freakshow you freaky-deaky-freakazoids!

One month later…

Herd Bellerophon is sitting at the dinner table across from Star Sparkle … who’s grinning at all the gender-swapped herdmates like she’s gotten forty Christmas presents early.

STAR SPARKLE

(with smug relish)

Oh, where to even begin…?

One month later…

LERO THE MARE

(vomiting in toilet)

GWWAAAAAGGGGGHHH!

She steps out into the hallway.  Rainbow Dash stands there with a deeply worried look.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Lero!  You okay?!

LERO THE MARE

Yeah, yeah, I’m…  *HURK*!

A fresh stomachful of vomit surges up Lero’s esophagus, and she retreats back into the bathroom.

LERO THE MARE

PWWWWAAAAAAAAAAUGGGHH!

One month later…

Rarity and Rainbow Dash are being hit on by a gaggle of lusty mares right when they’re in the middle of shopping.

LUSTY MARE #1

Four colts and just one filly?  Mmmm-mmmm!  You wanna know the one thing I see missing from that equation?

(rubs against Rainbow Dash)

A few more… girls.  Don’t you agree, stud-muffin?

LUSTY MARE #2

Come on, you know that’s not fair to the rest of us, one mare keeping four stallions to herself...

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Um… er… well…

LUSTY MARE #2

Oooh, he’s shy!

Rarity scowls as a third girl trots ahead of him, lifting her tail invitingly.

RARITY THE STALLION

Ladies, I’m flattered, but my heart belongs to another!

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Yeah!  Lero’s special!

RARITY THE STALLION

We weren’t interested the first time you came onto us, and we’re not interested now!

LUSTY MARE #3

Come on!  What’s this selfish broad got that I ain’t got?

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

A pair of hands!  Well… most of the time.

One month later…

A wickedly sharp pair of scissors.  A baseball bat.  A bottle marked with a very prominent  skull-and-crossbones.

Lero is at the Carousel Boutique with Applejack, inside her sewing room.  The clothes Lero currently wears are too awful for words.  The exit out had been boarded up.  There is a decidedly unhinged look to the pregnant mare’s eyes.

LERO THE MARE

(unsettlingly calm)

Now AJ, let me tell you how this is going to go.  You are going to make me maternity outfits EXACTLY as I describe. No 'inspiration.' No muses.  Neither of us are leaving until you've finished to my satisfaction, and I will be watching you every step of the way.

APPLEJACK

(frightened smile)

Uhhhh…. sure thang, Lero!  Nothing’d please me more!

Applejack stretches her neck out towards a certain roll of fabric, mouth opening.

LERO THE MARE

Stretch yourself any further forward towards that roll of penguin-patterned haircloth, AJ, and the results might be… rather regrettable.

Sweating bullets, Applejack stretches her neck out towards a different roll of cloth.

LERO THE MARE

You have chosen wisely, Applejack.  Cotton good, haircloth bad.  Now let’s bring it over towards the sewing machine…. slowly.

One month later...

Herd Bellerophon is finally having its wedding; and they’ve pulled out all the stops!  Down the aisle walks Lero, flanked by her four handsome grooms.

All their clothes have been been exquisitely designed from the richest fabrics.  But everypony in the pews seems to be murmuring about (and pointing at) Lero's tuxedo-gown; black and sleek with a large skirt and train, her bulging belly really shows.  The 'grooms' are in lacy, frilly white tuxes.

From where she sits, Applejack weeps with joy: Herd Bellerophon's wedding ensemble has truly been her magnum opus.

Lots of cameras are flashing in their faces, both from friends and family members, and from photojournalists.

LERO THE MARE

(unspoken thoughts, rather glum)

And someday, when my kids ask about my wedding… THIS’LL be what I describe to them.  Pictures of THIS will be what I’ll be hanging on the walls of my house.  Sweet Jesus, I might as well be the Norse God, Loki, just before he gave birth to Sleipnir.  And ain't that JUST the sort of thought I should have entering my head, right as I'm going down the aisle.

Up ahead, Lero winces to see Princess Celestia behind the altar; her and her scary wavering mane.  She will be officiating over her faithful student’s wedding.  All four grooms smile the closer they approach the Sun Goddess.

Spike brings up the rear, multitasking as she walks behind the bride and grooms.  In one hand, she balances five golden rings on a white pillow. Her other hand is busy flinging rose petals behind her.

One month later…

There’s a knock on the door.  Lyra answers it, to find a plump and bespectacled middle-aged mare there.

LYRA THE STALLION

Ah… hello!  Can I help you with something, ma’am?

PROFESSOR CULTURAL PARTICULARISM

You can indeed!  I’m Cultural Particularism, Professor of Hippology at the University of Balitmare, I’m here to speak with Mr. Michaelides, the human.

LYRA THE STALLION

(frowning)

No offense, but this is rather unexpected….

PROFESSOR CULTURAL PARTICULARISM

Unexpected?  I arranged this meeting with Mr. Michealides half-a-year in advance, through postal correspondence!  I’ve come quite punctually, I can assure you!  There’s so much I’m eager to learn about human culture… I’m planning on writing a huge book about Mr. Michealides’ whole life up until now!

LYRA THE STALLION

Er, would you mind waiting here for a second?

Lyra re-entered the house, leaving Professor Particularism to scowl at the door when he closes it in her face again.   A few minutes later, Lyra come back out.

LYRA THE STALLION

Well… as it turns out, Lero was scheduled to have a meeting with you, Professor.

PROFESSOR CULTURAL PARTICULARISM

(tetchedly)

Slipped your minds, did it?

LYRA THE STALLION

Yeah, we’ve had… other things on our plate.  But, listen, this is actually kind of a really inopportune time for Lero, now… could we reschedule?  Like, could you come back in another few months?

Professor Particularism just glares at Lyra coldly.

LYRA THE STALLION

You know what, I think I’ll just go fetch… him.

The aqua-colored stallion steps back in the house and returns with a dumpy-looking seven-months pregnant mare dressed in drab maternity pants and a grey shirt.

LERO THE HUMAN

So I understand you want to know all there is to know about human culture and being human?  Well, step right in, professor.

PROFESSOR CULTURAL PARTICULARISM

Is this supposed to be some sort of a joke?!

Lero sighs.

One month later…

Spike sets her ear on Lero’s belly.

SPIKE

Whoaaa, I can feel them kicking!

Lero smiles proudly.

One month later…

Twilight Sparkle has a picture book open, reading a bedtime story to the triplets in Lero’s tummy.  The whole family’s, including Spike and even a few of Rainbow Dash’s animals, are all lying together on the big bed, all around Lero, listening to the story.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE THE STALLION

...And so the Littlest Canary flew out to join the rest of the birds in the treetops, and they all sang their sweet melody together.  The End.

Closing the book, Twilight kisses Lero belly three times.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE THE STALLION

Sweet dreams, my little darlings.

Then he leans forward and kisses Lero as well.  Everyone atop the bed trades fond looks with one another, and snuggle up closer together.

One month later...

The blessed day has arrived.  The four stallions of Herd Bellerophon are gathered around an exhausted but happy Lero in the delivery room.  A nurse stands off to the side.

Rainbow Dash, Lyra, and Twilight Sparkle are each nuzzling a newborn foal, all elated.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

I have a son!  I have a son!

LYRA THE STALLION

Nurse, this filly really is mine?

NURSE

We ran the test, and it came back positive: you and that lucky little filly share genetic code.

LYRA THE STALLION

I never thought I’d know happiness like this!

Twilight Sparkle bends down towards his own daughter.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE THE STALLION

We did it.  We did it, my little miracle.

FEMALE SPIKE

(to newborns)

Welcome to the family!  I'm your big sister!  Er... brother!

Behind them all stands Rarity, with a weirdly crooked smile, trying not to let jealousy get the best of him.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Congratulations, Lero!  You pulled through!

LERO THE MARE

(tiredly)

I sure did!  So now, Twilight… the foals are born… are you going to let the spells wear off?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE THE STALLION

I think so.  Can’t say I’ll miss having to cast gender-and-pony transformation spells on you every five hours.  Really takes a lot out of you.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

It’s been so long…

(sighs wistfully)

I had that one stint as a model for Applejack, but most of my life, I’ve always been the skinny-flank mare. It was… sort of nice having ponies interested in me like that. Part of me’s almost scared to go back to being a mare.

LYRA THE STALLION

Not me.  I’m excited.

FEMALE SPIKE

Yeah!  Being a girl's okay, but it's not really me.  Muscles, mustaches, and maidens galore... THAT'S the Spike I wanna be!

LYRA THE STALLION

Plus, it’ll be nice having Lero as a human again.

LERO THE MARE

Missed the feel of my fingers, did you?

LYRA THE STALLION

That, among other things.

LERO THE MARE

Same here.  It’s been quite a ride, but I’m glad to get off.

(she hugs all her newborns to her)

I’m just so happy my little angels came out so healthy, beautiful, and lovable.

RARITY THE STALLION

Uh…. Twilight?  Lero?  Is there any way we might hold off on Lero being human again for just ONE more year?

LERO THE MARE

(one eye twitches)

What?!

RARITY THE STALLION

Just ONE year!  The rest of you girls can go back to your old filly selves, but I didn’t get my foal, and I don’t want to miss out!

Rarity smiles beseechingly at the wide-eyed Twilight and Lero.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE THE STALLION

Rarity…

RARITY THE STALLION

PLEASE, Twilight, PLEASE!  When’s the last time I ever asked anything of you?!  Let’s cast the estrus on Lero right away… the sooner we get my foal conceived, the better!  I’m ready to go at a moment’s notice!  What do you say?

Round Nineteen: That's Our Honeydew!

Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Nineteen: That's Our Honeydew!

Spoilers Up To Chapter 26

Question 1: Her Ladyship Addresses Honeydew:

Ní gá duit meas mo ridire. Tá mo ridire speisialta dom. Lómhara. Ní maith liom leat. B'fhéidir gur chóir dom a thaispeáint duit ach cad ba mhaith liom a dhéanamh a thabhairt duit má tá tú easpa measa air riamh arís.

An bhean uasal.

Honeydew frowns cluelessly.

HONEYDEW

Uh... No hablo su idioma, por favor.  Look, if you have something important to tell me, I at least deserve the courtesy of being able to understand your words.  Didn’t anypony teach you basic manners?

Then Honeydew feels something nudge her leg.  Looking down, she spots Sweetie Belle with a paper in her mouth.

HONEYDEW

Huh?  What’s this?

[SWEETIE BELLE

(uncharacteristically flat)

A translation of Her Ladyship’s words.](http://www.fimfiction.net/story/151951/into-the-hedge)

Eerily, Sweetie’s voice is toneless, and with almost no emotion, as she passes the paper to Honeydew.  The mare unfolds it and reads its message aloud as Sweetie Belle scampers off.

HONEYDEW

Let’s see... “To Honeydew:  You do not respect my knight. My knight is special to me. Precious. I do not like you. Maybe I should just show you what I would do to you if you ever disrespect him again.   The Lady.”

Honeydew shakes her head.

HONEYDEW

My superior powers of deductive reasoning lead me to believe that this ‘knight’ you speak of is none other than that ape, and you... shall we say... were up in that baboon’s treetops, swinging on his twig.  Getting a taste of his rotten banana.

She drops the letter to the floor.

HONEYDEW

First a knight, now a prince!  What a promotion!  And what a courtly aristocrat of a lover the ape fancies himself!  How DOES he inspire such fanatical devotion, even when she’s clearly an ex he dumped?  Does his monkey-spunk taste like ice-cold melon juice?

Then she stamps on The Lady’s letter repeatedly.

HONEYDEW

Well, I’ll tell you what, toots, you and Baron Von Bonobo of Poopflingia can each lick me, lick each other, then lick the inside of a sewer pipe!  My voice will not be silenced!  Least of all by some cowardly cockroach scuttling in the shadows of anonymity!  Why not try telling me your REAL name, Lady Nobody of Nowhere?  Or better still, if you have a bone to pick with me, come find me and face me like a mare!  I dare you!  I triple-dare you!  I’ll buck you into the next bicentennial!  I’ve fought in tournaments, you know! What chance do you stand against the likes of me?!

Question 2: Warpd Asks:

Dear Swapped Gender Family:

What are the foals names and species?

Rainbow Dash the Stallion sets down the pet food bowl he’d been carrying.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

You want to know about our foals?  How wonderful!  Oh, I’m only too glad to show you!

He flies over, not to the library proper, but to the house joined to it: Lero’s old house, and steps inside.

Lero’s old house has been converted into a nursery.  Toys are everywhere, and the wallpaper is patterned with teddy bears.

Rainbow has entered a room where Lero the mare lies on a bed with her pants hiked down.  Two foals are at her teats, drinking milk.  A third foal cries unhappily, awaiting her turn.

LERO THE MARE

(very tiredly)

There, there, Viv.  You’ll get your turn.  Ouch!  No nipple-biting, please, Summer!

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Hi, Lero!

LERO THE MARE

Hi, Dash, sweetie.

They kiss.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Look who I brought!  They wanted to know about our foals!

Both of them turn towards the readers.

LERO THE MARE

Ah.  Greetings, fellow humans.  It is now my 574th day as a brood mare and I’m completely forgotten what having fingers feel like.  I cannot remember a time when I didn’t have pony fetuses growing in my womb.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

(giggles)

Oh, Lero, you’re so silly!

LERO THE MARE

(smiles wanly)

Well, you can’t take life too seriously.

Then Rainbow Dash looks back towards the readers, pointing down at the first of the foals.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

This lovely red-maned, silver-coated unicorn filly is Summer Solstice, and she’s Twilight’s.  This green-coated pegasus colt is Forest Flash.  My own wonderful son!  His rainbow mane gives it away, I know!  This other unicorn filly with the light orange coat and auburn mane is Vivace; she’s Lyra’s.

Rainbow Dash rubs Lero’s tummy very gently with a hoof.  On top of everything else, Lero’s also five months pregnant with an all-new foal.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

And finally, our newest upcoming treasure: Jeremy-Or-Sophia.  He-or-she’s Rarity’s.

(beat)

Very DEFINITELY Rarity’s.

Pursing his lips, Rainbow Dash leaves the nursery, stepping outside for a few private words with us.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Funny story about that.  You see, from the moment the triplets were born and Lero agreed to remain a mare for another year so Rarity could have another shot at conceiving a foal of his own...

He licks his lips.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

He did the deed with her every night.  Cast the estrus spell on her every night.  What’s more, Rarity completely monopolized Lero’s... well... her marehood.  Wouldn’t let me or Lyra or Twilight come near that part of her... though Lero’s mouth was still fair game when... um... when we were frisky for her.

He blushes powerfully, but continues.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Rarity was obsessive about this.  A stallion possessed.  He actually got a little scary at times.  But then, the obstetrician finally said that Lero was carrying his foal, and we were all able to relax.

FEMALE SPIKE

Alright!  You’ve had enough, Flash!  It’s Viv’s turn!

Spike pulls Flash away.  Vivace scrambles for Lero’s free teat and suckles with gusto.  Rainbow Dash comes closer, looking upon the scene with dewy eyes.

LERO THE MARE

What?

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

It’s just... you look so wonderful, nursing our foals, every bit a proper mother!  I... I wish it’d been me...

LERO THE MARE

Oh, don’t cry, Dash!  Please, please don’t cry...

Question 3: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Rainbow Dash,

So now you've been a stallion for an extended period (with an obvious interest in at least one mare), according to Round Eighteen. Were you bent the opposite way while you were a stallion, suddenly no interest in other stallions?

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Yeah!  That’s exactly the case!  Bentness is the weirdest thing...

Lyra the Stallion and Twilight Sparkle the Stallion are in the same room with Rainbow Dash, tending to the foals.  Rainbow points to Twilight Sparkle.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Like take this admittedly hunky and handsome piece of stallion.  I love him like a brother, but I have no interest in a roll in the hay with him.

LYRA THE STALLION

(suggestive smile at Twilight)

Speak for yourself.

Twilight Sparkle smiles back at Lyra.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE THE STALLION

Behave, Lyra.  Remember our foals.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

But you both know I’d be totally all over you two as a mare.

LYRA & TWILIGHT THE STALLIONS

We know.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Even... even... well, I’ll never forget the first heat I spent with all the ponies of this wonderful herd.  My first time with a real boy.  That was when I knew Herd Bellerophon was the herd for me.

Rainbow Dash sighs regretfully.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

As a mare, I can look back on that time and all the magic of the moment hits me with full force.  As a stallion, though... I look back and the thought in my head is: ‘Lero was absolutely awesome and sweet to me.  Now if only he’d been the gorgeous mare he is today, then it would’ve been sexy too.’

Twilight Sparkle and Lyra are stunned to hear this.

LYRA THE STALLION

Rainbow... don’t you ever let Lero hear you speak those words.  You’d break her heart.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

(miserably)

I know.  I know.

Question 4: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Rainbow Dash,

Did you try spending some time as a stallion while Rarity, Lyra, and Twilight were still mares?

Rainbow Dash grins.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Funny you should bring that up...

(clears his throat)

Uh... you’ll notice how I’m a stallion right now?  Not to mention...

He nods at some of his other gender-bent herdmates.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Things are REALLY hard on Lero now.  Once again, she’s pregnant, but this time, while being the mother of three foals at once!  All the rest of us felt honor-bound to join her in solidarity again, since she needs it more than ever.

He turns back towards the readers.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

But every so often, when the mood strikes us...me and Lyra and Twilight treat ourselves to a little ‘solidarity break,’ where at least one of us goes back to her own gender!

Rarity the Stallion and Female Spike walk past Rainbow Dash, carrying fresh diapers.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Rarity doesn’t ever take solidarity breaks, though.  Spike doesn’t either, for some reason.

Then Rainbow goes over towards the bathroom door.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Right now, Twilight’s letting herself turn back into a girl, while I get to be the stallion.

The door opens.  Twilight Sparkle the Mare emerges.  They grin at each other.

MINUTES LATER...

Spike’s in her bedroom, listening to the adults in their room.  Right now, they just seem to be tickling each other.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

I can’t get enough of you, you’re such a pretty girl.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Please say that again!

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Huh?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Tell me I’m a pretty girl again!  No one’s called me that in ages!  I want to feel like a mare again!

FEMALE SPIKE

Cheaters.

She flips the page of a comic she’s reading.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Your hair is so silky!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Go on...

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Your body is so curvy and petite!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

More!  More!  Tell me about my eyes!

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Your eyes are like glistening gemstones!

FEMALE SPIKE

Do they even realize how brainless they sound?

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

What an idiot I was, not seeing how truly sexy you were all along!

FOALS

WAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Oh no!

Spike hears them leave their bedroom to see to the newly-awoken babes, and calm them all down.

FEMALE SPIKE

(snickers)

Serves you right.

She looks back down at her comic book.

FEMALE SPIKE

(sighs)

Oh, Aqua Colt, what do you even SEE in Hydro Filly, anyway?  You deserve so much better...

Question 5: Warpd Asks:

Dear Reversed-Gender Family,

Do the foals have any characteristics of a human in them?

Rainbow the Stallion looks up from playing with her foal.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Well, none of them are even a year old yet!  Give them time.

FIFTEEN YEARS LATER...

Jeremy is a fourteen-year old unicorn colt: black-coated but with the same reddish mane color and hazel eyes as Lero.  Rarity the Weathermare is his mother.  He wears blue jeans, a T-shirt, a hardy-looking green jacket, and a baseball cap.

Jeremy’s with his father, out by the shore of a river in the Everfree Forest. It’s way late at night; with only a few lanterns left by the shore.  Jeremy’s teaching his dad to fish via gigging, (fishing by multi-pronged spear.)

JEREMY

Easy, easy, patience is key, Dad!  Hold still, I’m attracting a bunch of them right now to your position!

Indeed, Jeremy’s horn is glowing, and there’s a magical bluish-green light underwater close to where Lero has waded into the stream.

JEREMY

You’ll want to scoot your hand up a little further up the spear, Dad.  You’ll get better thrust.

Lero smiles wryly at his pony son, even as he follows the colt’s instructions.

LERO

No offense, Jeremy, but how would you know?

JEREMY

(shrugging)

I just do.  Ssh!  They’re coming!

Lero can feel the fishes brushing against his legs.  He holds off until juuuust the right moment, then drives his spear into the stream.  A wriggling flounder flaps on the tines of his spear.

Jeremy gives a whoop of delight.

JEREMY

Good job, Dad!  Whoo-hoo!  You caught a BIG one!  Talk about beginner’s luck!

LERO

You think this one’ll be good enough for your mom’s early anniversary dinner?

JEREMY

I’ll say!  I mean… if the girl I loved were to catch and cook a fish like that just for me...  how could I not fall in love with her all over again?  I’m getting hungry just LOOKING at it!

The colt licks his lips.

LERO

(smiles)

We oughta to catch a few more.  Just in case your mom’s extra-hungry.

JEREMY

Yeah!

FOREST FLASH

(from further in the woods)

Dad!  Jeremy!  Look out!

Out of the shrubbery jumps one messed-up beast: one part pig, one part cow and one part chicken.  A pigcowken.  Big as a deer and angry as a bear.

As an automatic reflex, Lero tosses his fishing spear at the pigcowken; it lodges itself in the beast’s shoulder, but it’s far from a fatal wound.

PIGCOWKEN

(maddened roar)

OIIINKMOOOCLUUUCK!!!

It charges for Lero!

FOREST FLASH

DAD!

In a flash of speed, a pegasus colt one year older than Jeremy swoops in, grabs his human father and flies up with him into the sky, just before the beast can maul him.

This is Forest Flash: Lero and Dash the Caretaker’s kid.  As with Jeremy, he’s dressed from head to hooves, only he wears forest camo.

But the pigcowken’s not gonna take this sitting down!  It spreads its chickeny wings and takes to the skies, after Flash and Lero.

FOREST FLASH

Oh, so that’s the way it’s gonna be, is it?  Fine by me!

Forest Flash drops his dad safely in the boughs of a tree, then quickly whirls around.  There’s a wingblade on one of his left wings; he whizzes all around the pigcowken like a bullet, slicing it up!

JEREMY

Flash!  I got this!

Flash looks down, seeing his younger unicorn brother has summoned a storm cloud.  He grins.

FOREST FLASH

Finish him!

Flash backs off.  When Jeremy’s horn glows again; arcs of lightning shoots out the cloud, hitting the metal spear still lodged in the pigcowken’s side.

It can’t take the electrocution and crashes into the ground.

While Jeremy check the pigcowken’s body, Flash brings his father back down to the ground.  Something about both colts’ clothing is worth noting: both Jeremy and Flash have special holes cut by the flanks of their pants, just big enough to expose their cutie marks for every pony to see.

Jeremy’s is a jigsaw puzzle piece.  Flash’s shows a fast-paced wind whipping past a pair of trees.

FOREST FLASH

THAT was WAY too close!  You okay?

LERO

(reassuring grin)

Never better!  Don’t you worry, Flash, your dad’s a tough old guy.

FOREST FLASH

(sardonic grin)

Technically, you’re my mom…

LERO

(quick and curt)

Life’s too short to get caught up in technicalities.

FOREST FLASH

Fair enough.

As Flash helps him up, Lero calls out to Jeremy.

LERO

Is it dead?

JEREMY

As a doornail.

Lero and Flash come over to look at the pigcowken’s body.

LERO

I can’t believe Discord even MADE this species!  Cow, pig, and chicken… it looks so gross!

JEREMY

(interested smile)

Mmmm, yeah… beef, pork, and poultry, all in the same animal…

Forest Flash also stares down at the slain animal, practically salivating.

FOREST FLASH

About 300 pounds of it, by the look of it.

JEREMY

Brings me right back to that griffin restaurant Dad took us too back in Canterlot, remember, Dad?

LERO

I remember.

JEREMY

What a great restaurant that was.

FOREST FLASH

And, boy, was that a long time ago.  Shame if we left such good-quality meat here just to rot in the woods.

JEREMY

Or for some scavengers to find.

LERO

Or for your mother to stumble on, Flash.

Both boys wince.

JEREMY

Yeah, it really wouldn’t be good if Mama Dash found out about this.  Nope, nope, nope.

Flash and Jeremy turn pleading eyes on their father.

JEREMY

C’mon, Dad.  Be a pal.

FOREST FLASH

We did save your life!  And we promise to share!  With you, and the girls and Spike!

LERO

Don’t worry, boys.  As long as you’re discreet, I won’t breathe a word to your mothers.

FOREST FLASH

You’re the best!

Lero yawns.

LERO

Well, I think that’s enough outdoors excitement for one day, huh?  What do you boys say we head on home?

FOREST FLASH

No arguments here!

LERO

So how’re we gonna handle the… y’know…

He nods towards the pigcowken.

JEREMY

You leave that to me.

A little later, Lero and his sons are floating through the sky on a cloud platform Jeremy’s made.  They’re in the middle of talking, when Forest Flash says:

FOREST FLASH

Hold on, I’d like to check something.

He floats down to examine the cloud platform they’re riding on.  Sure enough, his instinct was on the money: the bottom of a pigcowken leg is sticking out from the cloud.  Flash flies out, returns to with a piece of puffy whiteness pulled from some other cloud, pats it over the leg, and it’s concealed.

He sits down next to the other two.

FOREST FLASH

Go ahead now.

JEREMY

So like I was saying, then Press Start got all weird on me the moment the batteries on her Joy Boy Portable died.  Actually curled up in a ball and started shaking like she was, I dunno, going through chemical withdrawal.

FOREST FLASH

Right while you were both still lost on your field trip?!

JEREMY

Yeah!  And she was all; ‘You don’t understand!  It’s my cutie mark!  I gotta be able to play games!  What if I’m never able to find another battery ever again?!  What if I’m never able to play another video game ever again?!’

FOREST FLASH

What’d you do?

JEREMY

I looked her in the eye and I told her, ‘What gives?  You’re not just a cutie mark life support system!  You’re the one in charge!’  That surprised her, but eventually, I helped get Press Start back on her hooves, and we were able to find our way back to the rest of the class.

FOREST FLASH

You totally did the right thing, li’l brother.  I mean, it's ridiculous just how much importance ponies attach to their cutie marks… and that includes my current marefriend!  I swear, you’ll never see ME falling apart like that!  Even if you were to put me in the inner city and give me a really slow-paced job, I’d still at least be able to keep it together!

All of a sudden, both boys are surprised when their father gives them powerful, heartfelt hugs around the neck.

FOREST FLASH

Dad, what...?

LERO

Having you two as my sons makes me proud to be a father.

JEREMY

(deeply touched)

Aw, Dad…!

The boys both hug him back.

TWO DAYS LATER...

Vivace -- Lyra’s daughter -- is wearing a stylish full-bodied ankle-length dress.  Like her brothers, there is a hole cut out to show her cutie mark: a marimba.

VIVACE

So this is what I picked out to wear to the dance next week, Mama Twilight.  What do you think?

She does a twirl.  Twilight Sparkle smiles a little uncomfortably.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

It’s… it’s lovely, Viv.

VIVACE

(senses the hesitation)

What?!  What’s wrong with it?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Nothing!  Nothing, I swear!  It’s as perfect a dress as you could ask for!  It’s stylish, fits your body, and matches your coat, mane, and eyes… it’s as perfect as any dress can get!

VIVACE

Then WHAT?!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

It’s just… and I’m not singling you out when I say this, Vivace, this goes for you AND your sister and brothers… do you NEED to wear clothes EVERY single day?!

VIVACE

Ergh… c’mon, Mama Twilight, can we not talk about this?!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

I mean what is it?  Do the four of you feel cold when you’re naked?  Maybe you have bad blood circulation…

VIVACE

No, it’s not bad blood circulation!

Twilight Sparkle gets right in Vivace’s face.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Is it your father, then?  Has Lero been telling you that being nude is evil or something?

VIVACE

No!  Dad would never do anything like that.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Then WHAT?!

Vivace scuffs a hoof on the carpet.

VIVACE

(shyly)

I just… feel so exposed whenever I go out in the buff.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Exposed?  The pony body is a thing of beauty, Vivace…

VIVACE

You wouldn’t understand.

And she runs off, into the bedroom of her sister, Summer Solstice; Lero-and-Twilight’s daughter.

SUMMER SOLSTICE

Been a dog’s age since the last time any of us had a ‘clothes talk’ with one of our moms.

VIVACE

I’d be just as happy to never have one again.  It’s not like we’re social outcasts for wearing clothes!

SUMMER SOLSTICE

Aw, come on.  They mean well.

Summer wears a pair of jean shorts a hot pink T-shirt, and glasses.  But the really amazing thing is that she’s typing on a computer of her own making.

Each key on the keyboard has been personally ‘horn-crafted’ by Summer.  The computer, itself, is a video game console system she managed to reprogram; she’s typing data into a word processor of her own design while talking to Vivace.

VIVACE

Y’know, some ponies play video games on their video game systems.

SUMMER SOLSTICE

I do that too!  I have a special one set aside, just for that!

Summer Solstice nods towards a second video game console hooked up to her video game console-computer.

SUMMER SOLSTICE

(muttered to herself)

So weird, ponies make video games, but it never crosses their mind that a computer can be utilized for practical purposes, too...

But then Vivace’s eyes fall upon something atop her her sister’s chest of drawers.

VIVACE

(aghast)

Summer!  Is that… Dad’s cell phone?!

It’s actually the very carefully dismantled PIECES of Lero’s cell phone, (the one that was still in his pocket after first returning from Discord’s world of craziness.)

VIVACE

Summer… that’s from Planet Earth!  Dad’s home world!  The human world!  He can’t replace that!!!

SUMMER SOLSTICE

(extremely defensive)

I know!  I just needed another look at the pieces!  I was going to put it right back the way it was!  You all know I've done it a zillion times!

VIVACE

You’re going to destroy it one of these days!  You’re gonna lose a PIECE one of these days, and it’ll be broken!

SUMMER SOLSTICE

(firm and resolute)

NO.  Not the cell phone.  NEVER the cell phone.  I just needed a fresh look at its components, that’s IT.

It should be noted, here, that Summer Solstice’s cutie mark is a computer chip.

VIVACE

Why do you do this?

SUMMER SOLSTICE

I can still remember how happy Dad was when Mom figured out a way to recharge the phone’s battery.  I’ll never forget the way he walked me through the ‘apps,’ how fun it was learning them all by heart.  All his stories about how every human being on Planet Earth owned one of these, and anyhuman could call any other human, anywhere, at anytime.  Coolest thing EVER.  Blame it on my human blood, but one day, I will bring that to Equestria, Viv.

Vivace sighs.

VIVACE

So will you be coming to Maraca’s party with me?

SUMMER SOLSTICE

You bet!  I do have an active social life to maintain!

There’s a knock, and then Jeremy pokes his head in.

JEREMY

Hey, Viv!  Hey, Summer!

SUMMER SOLSTICE

Hey.

VIVACE

Hi, Jeremy!

JEREMY

Guess what?  All four of our moms have stepped out.  And we have a special something served up down in the basement!

They follow Jeremy down into the basement.  Spike, (who is now the size of a 10-year-old human,) Lero, and Forest Flash are there, with a feast laid out for them: steak cuts, burgers, pork chops, the works!

The girls’ faces light up when the smell of the meat hits their nostrils.

LERO

Get 'em while they're hot!

SUMMER SOLSTICE

You guys are the BEST!

VIVACE

(rushing towards the spread)

Dibs on the sausages!  I totally call dibs on the sausages!

Question 6: Warpd Asks:

Dear Lero:

The herd has gotten bigger. Think a second stallion might be a possibility? You barely satisfied the mares this heat season.

We open on one of Golden Oaks Library’s reading rooms.  Lyra and Lero are on a couch; the unicorn draped over the human.  After many red-hot fast-paced days and nights, Lero has finally quelled the heat for all four of his mares... about ten minutes ago from this precise point in time.

Lyra wears a smile of relaxed contentment.  Lero’s mouth is an open hole of wiped-out exhaustion.

LYRA

Mmmm... you were magnificent this whole heat, Fingers.

LERO

[Feeble wheeze]

LYRA

Really came through for all four of us.  Kept rising to the occasion, again and again.

Then she stretches, yawning.

LYRA

And I don’t think I can drink another drop of the other girls.

LERO

[Faint moan]

LYRA

It was incredible!  Rarity was a tour de force in the bedroom once again, and Rainbow... Rainbow did me like a straight girl!  Just incredible, like a orchestral symphony composed by a deaf girl!  And she did it with a smile.  Now that’s love.

LERO

[Wince]

LYRA

I really enjoyed us as a fivesome.  To think, all our other heats are gonna be just like this from here on out!

LERO

...Lyra?

LYRA

What is it?

LERO

Remember those times we talked about whether I was open to the idea of adding a second stallion to Herd Bellerophon?

LYRA

Yeah?

LERO

I’m willing to consider the idea.

LYRA

Really?  Really?!

LERO

(winces again)

Really.

LYRA

Hang on for a second.

Lyra leaves the room, while Lero remains on his couch.  He can hear her in the next room over.

LYRA

Hey, girls!  You’re never gonna believe what Fingers says he’s willing to try!

Sometime later, Lero and all four girls are gathered at the table.  The girls are abuzz with excitement.

LERO

Now I’m not dead-set on us getting a second stallion.  We’re just exploring our options.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Mmm-hmm!

LERO

If there’s no Mr. Right out there, I’d be just as happy to keep sticking with Mr. Me.  Mr. I’ll-Just-Keep-Sticking-With-Being-This-Herd’s-One-And-Only-Stallion.

LYRA

Try fitting that on a name tag.

RARITY

You’re just finally coming to see the potential value that a second stallion can offer!

Since Rainbow Dash is seated next to her, Rarity leans towards her ear.

RARITY

(happy whisper)

All thank to you, Rainbow!  I’m happier than ever you joined us!

RAINBOW DASH

(whispered back)

Glad to be of service!  Ooh, this is so exciting!

Lero sighs.

LERO

Yes.  Exciting.  But now let’s take a couple minutes to set our parameters and determine who Mr. Right IS for us.

As the mares all nod and make noises of agreement, Lero brings up a pencil and paper.

LERO

Item 1: Mr. Right needs to be someone I can have a good brotherly-slash-best-friend relationship with.  Bent-towards-mares would be ideal for my needs, though he must be willing to share and share alike.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

What about straight stallions?

LERO

(after three seconds of uneasy fidgeting)

They’ll be given consideration.  But bent-towards-stallions is right out.

Not a single voice of complaint from the girls.

LERO

The whole idea is to have somepony help lighten the load a bit, not add more weight to my back.

LYRA

...Literally.

The other girls giggle, but stop at an unamused look from their stallion.

LERO

What else?  Any other thoughts on what qualities that’ll make Mr. Right right for us?

RARITY

He should be somepony who’s committed to making this relationship work, and doesn’t have a treacherous bone in his body.  Good with foals, too.

LERO

(copying them down onto the paper)

Lots of good ones.   Anything else?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

It’d be great to get a stallion who’s completely unattached to any other girl, but that could be tough.  We may want to leave the door open to boys-with-one-other-girl.

LERO

(foreseeing a bigger workload for himself during heats)

A...another girl... okay, sure, what’s ONE more girl?

RARITY

It’ll be alright, my prince.

LYRA

I say Mr. Right should be someone who’s both hardworking and able to keep his head in weird situations.

RARITY

Oh, yes, we do get into a lot of strange scenarios, don’t we?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

We do indeed.

RAINBOW DASH

Um... he should be a kind pony.  One who can appreciate animals and not be allergic.

Lero smiles.

LERO

Of course.  No animal haters in Herd Bellerophon, no sir.

He writes it down.

LERO

Okay!  This looks good enough for a start.  Any suggestions for who’d make good candidates for us?

RAINBOW DASH

(shyly)

Big... Big Macintosh!

LERO

You like Mac?

RAINBOW DASH

(fierce blush)

I think he’d be good for me... for us, and for you, too, Lero!

LERO

I agree.  If there was ever a pony I’d want for a brother, Big Mac would definitely be first on the list!

The human grabs another paper and writes Big Macintosh’s name on it.

LERO

Who else?

Suddenly, it’s like time has stopped.  The family freezes up like statues.  In strolls Mike Teavee through the door, seating himself at the herd’s table, facing his readers.

MIKE TEAVEE

Hi, everyone!  Usually, I’m very pro-fourth-wall, and don’t like injecting myself into my own story like this.  But I figured the direct approach would be best for what I’m about to say.

Mike leans forward in his chair.

MIKE TEAVEE

Here’s the deal: I’m willing to try making the whole ‘Herd Bellerophon tries dating stallions’ an ongoing story arc, similar to what I did for a certain mac tíre dona... if you’ll pardon my Fae-speak.  All you, the questioners, have to do is suggest stallions they could try dating, and we’ll see how it goes from there.  Let’s see how this goes!

Question 7: Warpd Says:

Dear Rainbow Dash:

Congratulations on finding a home, now to attach your house to theirs.

RAINBOW DASH

(brightly)

Yep!  Believe you me; soon as the heat’s completely run its course, that’s the first thing on our agenda!

WARPD

Don't you think Discord deserves a really nice gift for all the help?

Rainbow Dash is leading Discord into a room of her house.  The draconequus has both his hands over his eyes.

RAINBOW DASH

You can open your eyes now!

Discord lowers his hands.   A banquet has been laid out before him: one of the oddest banquets imaginable.  Rainbow Dash stands by it proudly.

DISCORD

(gasps in delight)

I... is this all for ME?

RAINBOW DASH

Every bit of it!

DISCORD

I don’t believe it!  Honey-baked jigsaw puzzle pieces!   Dental floss in marinara sauce!  Slow-cooked barnacles!  Pickled whoopee cushions!  Barbecued quilts!  Toothpaste stew!   Oh, and this couldn’t possibly be banana peel pie you made for me?

RAINBOW DASH

And a nice tall bottle of peanut oil to wash it all down with!

Discord is very, very touched.

RAINBOW DASH

I know you were playing matchmaker with us.  You had a hand in helping bring me and Lero together.  And this is just a small token of my very big thanks.

DISCORD

Well... while I did have a hand, it was a very small hand.

He shows her his right hand... which is suddenly vestigially tiny.

DISCORD

Most of it came from you.  From both of you.   But I don’t deny I was hoping this would happen.

He sets both hands on both of Rainbow Dash’s shoulders.

DISCORD

What I’m about to say, I’m speaking from the core of who I am to the core of who you are: the good kindhearted girl who opened my heart to friendship... she deserves to enjoy the love and adoration of a guy who’ll not only treat her right, but treasure her always and count himself impossibly blessed for each individual moment she deigns to spend in his company.

RAINBOW DASH

Oh, Discord!  You’re such a wonderful friend!

She hugs him.

DISCORD

You’re welcome.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, the feast awaits!

Seating himself at the table, he takes a set of chopsticks and breaks them apart.

DISCORD

Itadakimasu!

And then he starts his feast by eating the table.

Question 8: Warpd Says:

Dear Honeydew,

How adorable, you're like an adolescent school yard bully that just discovered what sex was for the first time. With just as much sophistication. Touching you? Don't be ridiculous, a bit and harness is all I would have for you.

HONEYDEW

And you all wonder why I find humans so despicable!

WARPD

I’d lock you up in the stable until you stink of hay. Though given how much nethergloss you've applying lately you most likely already stink of hay.

Honeydew examines her own rear end with the aid of mirrors.

HONEYDEW

Hay stinks to monkey noses?  Fascinating!  Then I’ll have to apply EVEN MORE of my very special...

She holds up a tube of nethergloss.

HONEYDEW

Hay-scented nethergloss!  Drives the colts absolutely WILD, and apparently acts as ape repellent, to boot!  Two wonderful uses for the price of one!

WARPD

And that nonsense about us not being able to handle more than two partners in a marriage? Little equine, we have two-partner relationships because we don't have all the baggage you carry. You are a prey species you need all the help you can get.

HONEYDEW

‘Prey’ species, am I?  As opposed to... what, predator species, yes?  Predators such as wolves and bears and alligators and leopards?  You know... the silly animals we ‘prey’ keep locked up in zoos, all around the world?   The ones we section off wildlife reserves for because we ponies are just too kindhearted a species to allow all those bloodthirsty brutes to be driven to extinction?

Honeydew sneers.

HONEYDEW

Face it, termite-muncher: meat-eating curses you with a substandard intellect.  We herd because herding’s what put us ponies on TOP of all those teeth, claws, and bulk long ago... that, tool usage, and our unsurpassable smarts!

(grudgingly acknowledging pegasi and unicorns)

And... magic and air superiority too, I suppose.

WARPD

But I will concede to your superior brain, Honeydew.

HONEYDEW

Finally!  Some recognition!

WARPD

Just look how well you develop your loving relationship with your sisters, oh wait, you killed that.

HONEYDEW

Why, you...!  Don’t you DARE bring Honeybee and Honeysuckle into this!  Don’t you dare, don’t you dare, don’t you dare, don’t you dare, don’t you DARE!!!

Question 9: Kitsuja Says:

Dear Honeydew,

Please take the time to examine Lero's actions when a pony is performing the same acts. Would you then care to explain how, when Lero is performing these same acts of kindness, being a dedicated worker, friendly behavior, and small moments of playful mischief are suddenly "evil and nefarious", whereas the pony would never be questioned in the first place?

HONEYDEW

Gladly!  That horrid mandrill’s ‘acts’ of kindness and friendly behavior are no more than that: ACTS.  As in an actor giving a performance!  We ponies outnumber him: what choice does he have but to play nice?!  One fine day, I’ll expose him for the faker he is!

Honeydew is in the middle of walking.  Her path takes her towards the village green.

HONEYDEW

And as for being a ‘dedicated worker?’  Ha!  Well, he USED to have a job... getting paid to feel up ponies’ bodies!  Of COURSE he’d be a masseur; it fits him perfectly!  Masseurs are all nothing but debauched defilers at heart, which is why you’ll never see ME setting hoof in a spa!  But he quit that, didn’t he?  No longer interested in earning his keep, huh?

She’s now walking past Lero, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, and Lyra, who are all seated together on a blanket, smiling and chuckling with one another.

HONEYDEW

Just look at him!  Unemployed for his second month running, and how does he spend his days?!  Visiting the local critter sitter every day to play around with her animals!  Sitting in the grass with the village idiot and just cracking jokes for hours on end!  Buying yet another set of new clothes for himself at the Carousel Boutique!

(derisive noise)

Yes, our monkey is REALLY proving himself to be quite the SLOTH, wouldn’t you say?  I’d chop my own tail off with hedge clippers and eat it if he’s ever done a REAL day’s work in his life!  I don’t know how his mares put up with it!  Even if he WERE a proper four-hoofed stallion, as you say, I’d’ve bucked that lazy layabout out of my house after the first DAY of his freeloading!

KITSUJA

Honestly, at this point, I think you have a human fetish. And it makes you angry because you feel "tempted away" from your own stallion. Failing that, you're just kind of a jerk. Either way, I don't see a valid excuse for your behavior.

HONEYDEW

Fe...fe...fetish?!  M-m-me?!  H... ho...how dare... how DARE you!  Just what... what kind of mare do you take me for?!  One of those weirdos who constantly fantasize about feeling those alien fingers of his combing through the fur of my barrel?!  Do you think when I see how the monkey’s mares smile when they’re with him... how charmed their lives are, in general... it makes me want to be one of them?  Screw you!  I was brought up better than that!  I have a herd of my own, and we’re MUCH more in love than they are!  We’re in love the way PROPER ponies should love other ponies!  The very IDEA of me and that awful tree-crawler!  I’d rather... I rather let myself be...!

Even as she squeezes her eyes shut and gnashes her teeth, a tear trickles down Honeydew’s cheek.

HONEYDEW

JUST GO TO BLAZES, YOU TWO-LEGGED RAT!

And she gallops off in a fury.

Question 10: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Princess Luna,

Did you ever give someone a black eye as a way of showing affection? I heard the song about it - "When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore!"

PRINCESS LUNA

Whilst We have blackened a few eyes in mine time, always was it a sign of hatred, ne’er love.  Although, We have smashed a pizza pie into one lover’s face once, but it was part of the lovemaking!

(lost in the memories)

To this day, we can still recall licking the long, gooey white ropes of mozzarella off his face, the enticing saltiness of the sauce...  ohhhhh, Black Wing, WHY did you have to be born mortal...?

Question 11: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

If you could add ponies at will to the Exclusion List, bearing in mind that whoever you DON'T add will still remember the Swapped history and will not have to do any work to keep up the charade, who would you add?

At the Sweet Apple Acres farmhouse, Apple Bloom sits at a table with Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle.  All the girls have party hats on their heads.  A giant banner is spread from wall to wall, proclaiming: CONGRATS ON ACING THE BIG TEST, BLOOMY!

And out comes Pinkie Pie, bringing out a giant apple cake for the young girls, who all gasp in delight.

Twilight Sparkle watches from an adjacent table next to Lero, smiling at the scene before turning to the readers.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Honestly, if you’d have asked me that question at the very start of things, I’d have put all the Swapped’s families on the Exclusion List: the Apples, the Cakes, Sweetie Belle and her parents... but these days, I know enough that’d actually be the worst thing, for everypony.

Twilight shuts her mouth as Pinkie delivers a slice of the apple cake to her.  The purple unicorn takes a bite.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Delicious!

PINKIE PIE

(proudly)

Baked it mahself, and GREW it mahself!  Be back with some cider!

Pinkie leaves.  Twilight faces the readers once more.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

At this point, though, the two ponies I’d love to add more than anyone would be Shining Armor and Princess Cadence.  I love them both so much, and they’re both so smart!  Nothing like my mother.

(grumbles)

Why Discord put HER on the list, I’ll NEVER guess!

Question 12: Scherzo Asks:

Dear Twilight and Co.

Ever thought of using Stallion!Lero to mess with Honeydew?  The ol' "So that hunky stallion you've been salivating over  like a starved dog seeing a juicy steak for the past few days/months is actually a human" prank.

Lero, who currently IS in stallion form, laughs.

LERO

Ha ha ha!  God, that sounds so wonderfully sitcom-y!  But I think I’d rather pass.

He flicks his tail.

LERO

On one hand, my acting ability’s grown by leaps and bounds since the Swap came into our lives.  On the other... you’re asking me to put the moves on HONEYDEW, and pretend she turns me on.  That’s QUITE a tall order, buddy!

Lero helps himself to a sugar cube.

LERO

Even if I could pull it off... I dunno.  Yes, it’s no secret that we hate each other.  But toying with a girl’s emotions and stringing her along just to set her up for a nasty shock... that’s just low.  I’d end up feeling more like the monster she always accuses me of being.  What can I say?

He shrugs.

LERO

I’m a lover, not a heartbreaker.

Round Twenty: Greetings From The Jeremyverse

Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Nineteen: Greetings From The Jeremyverse

Spoilers Up To Chapter 27

Question 1: Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Lero:

Which Element of Harmony do you associate yourself with the most? The elements, not the ponies?

LERO

An intriguing question!  Let’s see… first, let’s do a process of elimination.  I’m definitely not Magical… Laughter isn’t really my forte, and after all the truth-stretching I’ve been doing, I know I’m not an Honesty guy, either.  I’d like to THINK I’m kind, but there’ve been times when I’ve been insensitive to others’ feelings.  I’ve tried my best to be loyal…

He hems and haws, looking at a picture of Rarity and Rainbow Dash.

LERO

...In the end, I’d have to say ‘Generosity.’  If there’s one thing I can stand firmly behind, it’s that I’ve been really, really giving.

Question 2: Moving Target Asks:

Dear Honeydew,

I have borne silent witness for some time now, but it is with the most recent question asked of you, as of this writing, that I have been driven to speak (For the sake of clarity, I refer to the question from the one known as Kitsuja).  Given your statements and reactions to the aforementioned question, I have become concerned for your well being.  If you can not accept the sincerity of a humans concern then pretend that what I ask comes from one of your friends, your family, or even the Princesses, if you must.  Just please be honest in your answer.  If not to me, then to yourself.  Honeydew, are you happy with your life?  Truly happy?  With everything in your life?

HONEYDEW

Of course I’m not happy.  But in the end, life’s not about happiness.  Life’s about staying true to your principles.  Regardless of who hates you for it.

Question 3: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Fifteen-Years-In-The-Future Original Selves Inside The Swapped Psyches,

Looks like you're never going to get your lives back after all. Have you made peace with that?

Inner Rainbow Dash is at her beach.

INNER RAINBOW DASH

Well, yeah.  I mean, suppose I were to be swapped back into my old pegasus body, and so forth for my other four friends.  What then?  On one hoof, at least ‘Rainbow Dash’ would still be in Herd Bellerophon after the Big Unswap, so it wouldn’t…

(she winces)

It wouldn’t be like that first time.  Instead, my herd would have to suffer from “Rarity” leaving. It’d be devastating for all of them.   Jeremy worst of all!  My sweet little prince…

She gives a chuckle.

INNER RAINBOW DASH

I call him that all the time and it ticks him off.

She draws out a breath.

INNER RAINBOW DASH

Yeah, after all we went through just so Jeremy could be born, I don’t want him to have to hear his biological mother tell him that none of it technically counted, and watch her walk off.  Now, I’d take an arrow for my fashionista friend, but I could never let her traumatize my family, my stallion, and my son like that!

She scowls a bit.

INNER RAINBOW DASH

So I had a great run as a pegasus, but those days are long gone now.  I’m putting Rarity’s old body to its best possible use.

Inner Fluttershy pokes her head out of some rainforest undergrowth.

INNER FLUTTERSHY

At this point in my life, I’m in much the same boat as Rainbow Dash.  My son Forest Flash means the world to me, and if I were Unswapped into my old pink-maned, yellow-coated body… I wouldn’t even be part of Herd Bellerophon anymore.  Flash wouldn’t be mine, any longer, he really would be Rainbow Dash’s son, through and through!  Though, um, in all fairness, she’s been as wonderful a co-mother to Flash as to Vivace and Summer… it wouldn’t be the same!  I just couldn’t bear it!

Inner Applejack’s in some dusty landscape, that seems to suffer often from droughts.

INNER APPLEJACK

Yeah, Ah have foals of mah own, too.  What’s more, Ah’ve broken in this swapped body of mine purdy well, yew should see the leg muscles Ah got!  Heh… way Ah reckon, Ah’m pretty much the same pony now as Ah was gonna be anyway.  Jest pinker and with a bit of a higher-pitched voice.  Not ta mention, have yew seen the state mah old orange body’s in after fifteen years a’ soft froufrou living?

She shudders.

INNER APPLEJACK

The very idea of goin’ back in there gives me the heebie-jeebies!

Inner Pinkie Pie’s at an amusement park, hang-gliding.

INNER PINKIE PIE

I love flying!  I love having wings!  They’re way too cool to give up!  Weeeeee!

Inner Rarity’s in a gem cave, sewing on a sewing machine.

INNER RARITY

I’m sorry, darlings, but I must be honest… I still miss having a horn to this day.  And I’d do anything to rid myself of my hick drawl.  Celestia knows I’ve tried.  Also, would SOMEPONY MIND TELLING ME WHY MY SPIRITUAL BIOME’S A DIAMOND DOG CAVE?!

INNER RAINBOW DASH

(shouting from ‘off-screen’)

Search me!  Makes about as much sense as me being on a beach!

Question 4: DanielH Asks:

Dear Harlequin Aid,

I don't know much about Equestrian fauna, but on Earth, many species of great ape (of which humans are one example) laugh at physical humor, but humans are still the only "higher" form of life.

HARLEQUIN AID

Really?  Well, then I guess I’m lucky I didn’t publish my book on Earth, because then it’d prove that I’m sometimes prone to making huge generalizations, and of course, no comedian would ever do something so silly as exaggerate stuff!

She grins.

HARLEQUIN AID

But you can take my word for it: Equestrian great apes don’t laugh.

DANIELH

Additionally, although it's probably not relevant to humor per se, most mammals have a laughter-like response to tickling. I know there are non-sapient equines, such as horses, in Equestria; are there any near-sapient ones like the Earth great apes, and if so do they have a laughter-like response?

HARLEQUIN AID

Hmmm….

A horse -- not a pony, but an actual HORSE -- is grazing in some meadow, out in the great outdoors.

Harlequin Aid approaches the horse cautiously from behind; as you or I might approach an unsuspecting chimpanzee.  Clutched in her mouth is a feather that’s as long as a pencil.

The great equine animal just grazes on… until it feels light ticklish feather-strokes around its legs.

HARLEQUIN AID

Coochie-coochie-coo!

The horse swats his tail as though Harlequin were a fly.  But she keeps it up.

HARLEQUIN AID

Coochie-coochie-coo!  Coochie-coo!  Coochie-coochie…!

Snorting humorlessly, the horse rears back a leg and bucks Harlequin Aid square in the jaw.  She lands in a rather rotten pile of horse apples.

HARLEQUIN AID

(bitterly)

I think I heard you humans ride these brutes as beasts of burden?  If so, you’re WELCOME TO THEM!

Then she spits out a piece of horse apple.

HARLEQUIN AID

Tastes so… chemicalish.

Question 5: DanielH Asks:

Dear Tree of Harmony,

If you were to need the Elements back, would they still work for you with everything else going on?

TREE OF HARMONY

Well, we won’t know for absolute certain until it’s tried, but I actually feel pretty confident if I needed the Six back, they’d still work!  After all, the Elements were never intended to be isolated from one another.  They were always meant to intermingle.  To unify and combine.  That’s where Harmony COMES from: them joining together!  Take it from me.

Wind rustles past the Tree of Harmony.

TREE OF HARMONY

A thought just occured to me.  Of the original Six, I think only Magic can still lay claim to being an Element nowadays.  Speaking technically, of course.  After what that spell did to them, the other five are more like the Compounds of Harmony, wouldn’t you say?

Leaves fall to the ground as the Tree of Harmony’s boughs shake in arboreal merriment.

TREE OF HARMONY

Ha ha ha!  I mean, have you looked at the state they’re now in?  Ha!  We’ll have to come up with new names for ‘em!  Loyarosity!   Laughdness!  Kindlty!  Generonesty!  Honaughter!  Ha ha ha!!!

Then the Tree of Harmony gets a hold of itself.

TREE OF HARMONY

Do forgive me, my friends, one must always be coming up with one’s own entertainment when one’s a tree.

Question 6: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Fifteen-Years-In-The-Future Princesses,

Fifteen years ago, Twilight Sparkle cast Starswirl's unfinished spell and swapped all her friends around. They all eventually found ways to get on with their lives, as we can tell by them spending two years having Lero bear foals for them, but never did get back to their original lives. How does that make you feel about making the attempt? Do you think you'll ever ask anyone to attempt finishing that spell again, or has it done enough harm?

Princess Celestia draws a deep breath, then speaks resolutely.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

Starswirl’s spell must one day be rectified.  I am just as committed to this as I was once committed to transforming Nightmare Moon back into Princess Luna.

She looks over at a picture of herself with Twilight Sparkle.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

I want it known that I am very proud of my faithful student.  Twilight saved my dear sister.  She and her friends brought Discord to the side of good.  She was instrumental in thwarting a changeling invasion.  She and her friends saved the Crystal Empire.  And they’ve gone on to accomplish so much more since those early years.  The Scorpion Collective.  The Whinnypeg Secession.  Dr. Macaroni and her armada of Mech-quines.  My birthday party, last Thursday.   Our world is deeply in their debt.  Nor am I sorry the attempt was made.  That sweet colt Jeremy shows every sign of growing into a fine stallion… and if not for the Swap, his father and mother would never have fallen in love.

She looks over at pictures of some of the other Swapped Element Bearers with their sons and daughters.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

(smiling)

He’s not the only one, either!

She looks away from the pictures.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

However, I have quite a long life ahead of me, yet.   I’m in no great rush.  I intend to wait until my six Element Bearers have all passed on to their greater reward.  Then, the Elements of Harmony will be bequeathed to a new set of heroes, strong in the magic of friendship.  Eventually -- maybe not the first set after Twilight and her friends, maybe not even the tenth -- there will come a unicorn even smarter, stronger, and more attuned to the Elements than Twilight Sparkle.  And then, after she’s sufficiently proved herself, I’ll assign her to fix Starswirl’s spell, and pray for better results.

Celestia hangs her head.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

May all my little ponies forgive me.

Question 7: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Princess Celestia,

So it seems Twilight Sparkle's gotten good enough at a gender-swap spell that she can keep it going for two years straight, across her entire herd, including Spike. What was your reaction to seeing Twilight Stallion the first time?

Twilight Sparkle and his five Swapped friends all gallop into Celestia’s throne room.

PINKIE PIE

We came as soon as we could, Yer Majesty.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

For which you have my deepest thanks.  Time is essential in this matter of gravest urgen… excuse me, sir, who might you be?

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

I’m… um… Rainbow Dash.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

No, you’re not, you’re a…

And then she looks at Dash’s Butterfly Mark.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

...Oh.

PINKIE PIE

(rolls her eyes)

This again.

FLUTTERSHY

Hee hee hee!

APPLEJACK

(through a smile)

Now, now, Shy, y’all shouldn’t laugh.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

Forgive me, Rainbow Dash.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

It’s okay.  It happens.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

A-anyway, it pains me to inform you is that Equestria is facing its darkest hour yet.  A ten-thousand-year-old evil has resurfaced in the green vales of Vanhoover.  It…

The princess breaks off to gape at the sight of her student as a stallion.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE THE STALLION

It’s me, Princess Celestia.  Twilight Sparkle.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

I know it is.

She comes up to whisper in his ear.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

Are you even working on Starswirl’s spell anymore?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE THE STALLION

It’s complicated!

PRINCESS CELESTIA

We’ll talk later.

She pulls away, addressing all three of the stallions.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

Is there any way you three could change back to your old genders?  It’d make things much easier for when you’re at Vanhoover.

RARITY THE STALLION

Begging your pardon, Princess Celestia, but that brings up an important point.  If you’re sending us off someplace else, Lero shall have to come along with us.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

...Along?

RARITY THE STALLION

Well, Lero is pregnant with our foals.  In order for him to remain a mare, Twilight needs to cast a spell on her every six hours, every day.  Otherwise, the triplets would surely die if he were ever to revert back to male form before their birth.

Awkward silence ensues.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

I suppose there’s room enough on the train for a seventh passenger.  And I’d need to write a letter of explanation to Vanhoover’s mayor.  And probably include photographs of yourselves…

Question 8: Raneko Asks:

Dear Princess Luna,

Can you intentionally give a pony nightmares? And if you could would you give Honeydew nightmares for her awful treatment of poor Lero?

PRINCESS LUNA

Yes.  Yes, it is well within Our power to give ponies nightmares.  But We refuse to do such a thing to this mare Honeydew.

She looks up at the moon which had once been her prison.

PRINCESS LUNA

A thousand years have I been ‘Nightmare Moon.’  A queen of nightmares.  A thousand years, have my little ponies feared me.  This Honeydew is not worth slipping back into the blackest of old habits.   Not worth becoming a boogeymare again.

She looks over at the readers.

PRINCESS LUNA

Moreover, We have stolen inside Honeydew’s dreams.  She hath nightmares enough on her own.  Our help she needs not.

She shivers.

PRINCESS LUNA

Almost enough to frighten me away from that poor human...

Question 9: Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Lero:

Did you ever point out to Rainbow Dash that Bulk Biceps is the very definition of over-muscled? How did that go?

Pre-Swap Rainbow Dash is flying through the air at a low altitude with Lero on her back, but then she slows to let Bulk Biceps shoot past the two of them.

BULK BICEPS

Gonna add MORE WEIGHTS to the weight machines at the gym today!  Yeah!  YEAAAAH!!!!!

They both watch the burly pegasus fly off.

LERO

Dash, did you see that guy?

RAINBOW DASH

What?  You mean Bulk Biceps?

LERO

Is that his name?

(pointing)

Well, I'd say Bulk Biceps is pretty much the very definition of over-muscled.

RAINBOW DASH

(laughs)

Yep!  No arguments here, big guy!

Then she picks up speed, and they continue on.

Question 10: Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Fluttershy:

What is it like living with the Cakes (a monogamous couple)? Do they let you take care of the twins?

Pound and Pumpkin Cake are in high chairs, giggling happily in Fluttershy’s direction.

FLUTTERSHY

Well, in a couple of respects, the Cakes are like my old family, back on the rock farm!  Pa used to have three wives, but my other two Mas died when I was a much younger filly.  I don’t have a lot of memories of them.  And Pa never remarried other mares after that, so growing up with Ma and Pa was like the next best thing to being raised by an actual monogamous family.  Though I was the only one to simply call my Ma ‘Ma.’   To Inkie, Blinkie, and Maud, she was always ‘Ma Sue.’

Fluttershy takes a cloth napkin, and wipes mashed bananas off the twins’ faces.

FLUTTERSHY

So you could say I really don’t know WHAT it’s actually like, living in a polygamous herd. Though, comparing Mr. and Mrs. Cake to Ma and Pa, well, the Cakes smile a lot more, they go to bed earlier, and though they work hard, they’re both a LOT more easygoing than my folks.   I love both the Cakes and the Pies, though!

Pumpkin drools a bit with a big smile.  Fluttershy smiles back, wiping that off too.

FLUTTERSHY

Sometimes, an out-of-town mare might actually flirt a bit with Mr. Cake or Mrs. Cake, but they’ll let her know they’re not interested.  Sometimes, they’ll ask if Mrs. Cake and I are herd-sisters, or Mr. Cake’s my husband!  We let them know I’m just an assistant, but sometimes we’ll jokingly pretend we ARE a herd for a minute or so.  Purely tongue-in-cheek stuff!

Fluttershy heads over to a shelf.

FLUTTERSHY

Just between you and me?  I’d do it, if they weren’t monogamous.  I’d gladly have become a second Mrs. Cake.  Cup and Carrot are both wonderful ponies, and I’d have LOVED to have raised sweet little Pound and Pumpkin as my own foals.

She takes down a bag of flour and returns to the babies in their high chairs.

FLUTTERSHY

Though they have one another, and that’s all they need.  I respect how deeply they love each other.   They’ve taught me that monogamy can be a really wonderful thing, if you know how to do it right!

Standing in front of the twins, Fluttershy rips open the flour bag, and dumps it over her head.  Pumpkin and Pound burble with laughter, and the yellow pegasus happily scoops the babies up in a big, white, powdery hug, kissing their little cheeks.

FLUTTERSHY

You two are just the BEST.

Question 11: FanOfMostEverything States:

Dear alternate-future Honeydew,

It bred. It bred and the spawn have a taste for meat. Not fish. Meat.

A photograph of Forest Flash, which looks to have been taken from within a bush.  It shows Flash leaving his school, at the end of a school day, along with several of his classmates.  About seven different teenage fillies are giving him interesting looks.

Another photo shows Flash with two marefriends.

A third photo shows Jeremy, kissing a girl.

HONEYDEW

Their carnivorism is only the tip of the iceberg, though.  What’s even worse; those pony-shaped bonobos also inherited something else from their sire: his inexplicably overwhelming charisma.   Those monkey-spawn have the same unnatural animal magnetism as their sire.  Its apish ways are in their blood.  I can read the writing on the wall: within a few short generations, ALL of ponykind will be flesh-chewing, cloth-wearing mutations of what equines once were.  So I did the only sensible thing a mare in my position could do.

We see that the wall these pictures are taped to, is part of a sailing ship, and Honeydew’s at the helm.  She’s EXTREMELY pregnant!  And there are LOADS of squalling young foals further back on deck.

HONEYDEW

First, I took fertility drugs like they were going out of style.  The doctor says I’m going to be having octuplets!  Then,  I went to my local orphanage and became the legal guardian of thirty different foals: fifteen colts, fifteen fillies, so my foals will have other ponies to pick for their mates.  Then I found this distant, unmarked island and I am now transporting all of us there!  Ours shall be a purebred race, isolated from the mongrels and… hey!  Where are you going?!  Come ba…!!

Question 12: DanielH Asks:

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

If you can find a cure to the Swap and/or get better control over the original spell, can you see any beneficial uses? Seeing things from somepony else's point of view might be easier after a swap, for example.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Oh, to be sure, assuming the Swap could be brought under control, there are all sorts of practical applications it could be used for!  Imagine if psychologists and their patients could engage in 10-minute swaps with each other, it could help the doctors get a true ‘inside look’ at their patients’ mindsets!  Or, let’s say the police were in a standoff against a dangerously violent criminal who’d locked herself in a building, and had taken hostages.    Send a specially-trained field agent to Swap with the bad guy, and presto!  The Swapped Criminal frees her own hostages and gives herself over to the cops.

She laughs.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Or, I could’ve swapped just a tiny smidgen of Old Rainbow Dash’s confidence into Old Fluttershy, in exchange for a smidgen of Fluttershy’s modesty to give to Dash.  Both would’ve been better for it, wouldn’t you say?  The possibilities are indeed endless!

Question 13: DanielH Exclaims:

Dear Rainbow Dash,

You've become a tyrant to your animals! HOW COULD YOU?! I'd never have expected *YOU** of all ponies to rule by fear; you're supposed to be the Bearer of Kindness! Just look at the animals you're supposed to love and see how afraid they are of you!*

RAINBOW DASH

It’s NOT tyranny, dude.

She lets out an irritated exhale.

RAINBOW DASH

Look, buddy, I kinda understand where you’re coming from on this.  I used to think like you do, but that was BEFORE a certain bunny decided he was done being an angel and the rest of my little animal friends decided to follow his lead.  That was before good old Iron Will showed me the way.  Trust me; I am being kind.  I don’t know if you have pets or foals of your own, but  when your little darlings grow as undisciplined as mine were, the kindest thing you can provide them is discipline.  When they’re unruly, the best gift is rules.  When they’re out-of-control, that’s when you bring them under control.  Who says that tough love’s less loving than tender love?

Question 14: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Fifteen-Years-In-The-Future Discord,

Have you been keeping the Bewitchment going this entire time?

DISCORD

Yes, I have.

Question 15: FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Applejack,

Did you offer anything during the "calm before the storm?" I'm sure some of your muse's more whimsical creations tickle somepony's fancy.

A certain mare walks into the Carousel Boutique.  Applejack greets her from her counter.

APPLEJACK

Howdy!  Welcome tew the Carousel Boo-teek, whee everythang’s sheek, you-neek and mag-nee-feek!  What can Ah do ya fer?

The mare stands transfixed by the sight of a particular outfit on display.

APPLEJACK

Ah call that one mah ‘Tom costume.’  Based it on a coltfriend Ah had a fling with.  Briefly...

Shameful memories cause Applejack to choke up.

APPLEJACK

...Oh, girls, how could Ah’ve been so blind?!

MAUD

You made this out of a real boulder.  Hollowed out.

APPLEJACK

In hindsight, Ah could’ve done better using a more lightweight material, like…

MAUD

I need five of them.

APPLEJACK

Five?

MAUD

This outfit is relevant to my interests.  And will look enticing on each of my bedmates.

APPLEJACK

W… well, Ah'll need time, but Ah’ll git right on it, Miss… what’d yew say yer name was again?

And Now... for everyone who said that Herd Bellerophon should date The Doctor and his herd...!

There’s a knock on Lero’s door, and he answers it.  Outside stands The Doctor, looking piqued.

THE DOCTOR

You’re a git.  You know that, Michealides?

LERO

(cluelessly)

What?

THE DOCTOR

Did you forget something yesterday?

LERO

Uh…?

THE DOCTOR

Like our date?

LERO

Date?

THE DOCTOR

Between Herd Bellerophon and Herd Hooves!  Ringing any bells?!

Lero just stands baffled, as though trying to remember who this guy even is.

THE DOCTOR

We waited for you all at that restaurant, but you never came!  Derpy’s been in tears!  Says you must think her eyes are ugly!

LERO

Derpy?  Wait… I remember what you’re talking about.

THE DOCTOR

He sees the light!

LERO

And that was FIVE YEARS AGO.

THE DOCTOR

Five years?

Momentarily stepping inside his house, Lero returns with today’s newspaper and points at its date.

The Doctor smiles in sheepish apology.

LERO

Been joyriding in the TARDIS, Doc?

THE DOCTOR

Well, not joyriding.  There was a temporal anomaly where J.R.R. Tolkien and George R.R. Martin switched places in time.  Awful business.

LERO

I see.

THE DOCTOR

You wouldn’t believe how much brother-on-sister stuff Mr. Martin was about to write into Middle-Earth!  HAD to intervene, you understand.

LERO

Of course.  The hobbits deserve no less.

Suddenly, an Earth pony stallion trots up beside Lero.

CHEESE SANDWICH

(to The Doctor)

Hiya, there, buddy!  I see you’ve met my herd-brother, Lero!  Good ta see you, what’s your name?

The Doctor takes a step back.

THE DOCTOR

I… I’m no one.  Just a traveller who lost his way.  Sorry.

The Doctor runs off.  Cheese Sandwich looks up at Lero.

CHEESE SANDWICH

Everything alright?

LERO

Right as rain.

CHEESE SANDWICH

Well, come on, then!  We still got lots of balloons left to blow up in the backyard, and the wives and the little cheesarinos don’t want you missing out on the fun!

LERO

Right behind you, Cheese.

They enter their house.  Neither of them here the VWORP!  VWORP! of the TARDIS fading away.

MIKE TEAVEE

To be continued in Round 21!  I promise!

Round Twenty-One: Новый язык

Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Twenty-One: Новый язык

Spoilers Up To Chapter 29

Question 1: Felyon Asks:

Dear Pinkie Pie,

Ever tried growing gems? You could expand your farm and cater to dragons and diamond dogs.

PINKIE PIE

Only problem with that line a’ thinkin’ is: ya ‘cater’ ta diamond dogs much like ya ‘cater’ ta vampire fruit bats.

Pinkie Pie is out on Sweet Apple Acres, in a field of farm-grown gemstones, running trying to stomp on the heads of thieving Diamond Dogs, surfacing to steal her jewels.   It's like a living game of Whack-A-Mole.

Question 2: Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Rainbow Dash:

What's it like being with Herd Bellerophon?

RAINBOW DASH

It’s wonderful.  Just wonderful.  Part of me still is still getting over the surprise, you know?  I mean, if you’d’ve told me a year ago that I’d be finding my soulmates around now… Herd Bellerophon would’ve been the last place I would’ve thought to look.  I mean… for the longest time, Rarity, Twilight, and their two herdmates had always seemed so complete at a herd of four… well, five with Spike.   And I’d never have thought I’d be their type… or they’d be mine!

She giggles at the silliness of this assumption.

RAINBOW DASH

Shows what I know, huh, folks?  But they’ve been amazing.  All of them!  They’re considerate, helpful, kind… and they really do love having me around.

She sits in a chair.

RAINBOW DASH

Now, I know I’m a high-maintenance girl.  But in this family, no one minds that I’m a bit on the shy side.  No one minds that I’ve got sixty bajillion animals to care for.  They don’t even care that I’m bent!  They all love me with all their heart.  I’m the luckiest girl in the world.

(sighs happily)

Me being a Herd Bellerophon mare’s still a pretty new thing, though.  Hasn’t even been a full week, yet, so I’m still settling in, so to speak.  Though I’m learning the ropes a lot faster than I would’ve expected!

Suddenly, she gets a bit pensive.

RAINBOW DASH

Funny thing… the longer I’m in that house, the longer I’m with them… the more there’s this other part of me, saying that I was always mean to be there, anyway…

Then, shrugging, she smiles.

RAINBOW DASH

I suppose that must be a natural part of joining a herd, huh?

Question 3: FanOfMostEverything Says:

Dear Doctor:

You don goofed. Now you have to apologize to Derpy.

and Zer0prototype also asks:

Dear Derpy:

Did the doc explain the date was just an extensive scheduling error? How's Colgate and Dinky?

The Doctor canters away from the house where Cheese Sandwich is part of Herd Bellerophon.  He enters his TARDIS.

THE DOCTOR

No need for apologies.  No need for explanations.  No need for tears.  A time machine got me into this mess… and a time machine will get me out!

FIVE YEARS BACKWARD IN TIME…

Lero, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Twilight Sparkle, Lyra, The Doctor, Colgate, and Derpy are all sitting at the same table in a high-end restaurant, dressed to the nines.

COLGATE

...And so then he says, “2:30 P.M.!”

Uproarious laughter from everyone at the table.

LYRA

Well, that just goes to show how important punctuality is.

Rainbow Dash grins at The Doctor.

RAINBOW DASH

Bet a clockmaker like you HATES latecomers, eh?

The Doctor laughs nervously.

THE DOCTOR

I actually tend to be more forgiving of latecomers.  Losing track of time could happen to anyone!

The lights in the room flicker weirdly.  It gives everyone momentary pause before they continue on.

RARITY

So let me ask… what was it about our happy little herd that piqued your interest?

THE DOCTOR

Well, Lero, himself, is actually a big draw for us.

RARITY

Oh, really?  You like Lero?

THE DOCTOR

I respect him.  Lero’s an alien here, the only one of his kind, but he loves the people of this world.  He bends over backwards for others.  Not for fame and fortune, but to save those he loves, and shield them from chaos and ruin.  I see a lot of myself in him.

Lero’s awed by The Doctor’s praise.

THE DOCTOR

Plus, he’s got four wonderful ladies who aren’t just smart, brave, and capable, but very easy on the eyes!

COLGATE

(eyeing Herd Bellerophon’s mares)

I’ll say!

DERPY HOOVES

Ditto!

The mares of Herd Bellerophon are flattered.

COLGATE

Plus, we were all very impressed by how well he treats Dinky when he foalsits her.

THE DOCTOR

Ah, yes!  Dinky thinks the world of Lero.

DERPY HOOVES

(to Herd Bellerophon as a whole)

What do you guys think of foals?

RARITY

I adore foals.  We all do.

All of Rarity’s herdmates are nodding in agreement, as the lights flicker again.

RARITY

In fact, Lero and I, especially, have been trying to have a foal of our own. You see, Twilight’s able to transform him into a stallion, temporarily…

DERPY HOOVES

Really?

Rarity opens her purse and draws out a photo of Lero’s stallion self for the mares to look at.  Derpy and Colgate smile very approvingly.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Actually, we’re already raising a little one of our own, even if he isn’t an actual foal.

COLGATE

Ah, yes!  Spike!  Such a well-behaved drake!  And he always takes care of his teeth!

LYRA

You know, I could easily see Spike and Dinky getting along well as a brother and sister.

DERPY HOOVES

So could I!

THE DOCTOR

Let me ask: how do you each of you feel about travel?

RARITY

Travel?  Well, none of us are strangers to travel.  I, myself, voyaged to all sorts of countries in order to master the art of weather when I was but a girl.

LYRA

I’ve just recently come from a long sabbatical to expand my studies of the Still Way.  It took me across three different continents.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

As Element Bearers, we’re sometimes called upon to different countries to perform tasks for Princess and country.

RAINBOW DASH

(nods at Twilight)

What she said.  Plus, I’ve studied all sorts of animals in all sorts of different habitats.

THE DOCTOR

But do you ENJOY it, is what I’m asking?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well, we…

But then the lights flicker again completely out: the whole room goes pitch dark for about twenty seconds!  This time, when the light returns, all eight of them have vanished from the table.

SOMETIME LATER...

Lero Michealides opens his eyes.  He’s lying face-down upon a cavernous floor.  Lichen on the walls provides some bioluminescent light.

LERO

What…?

DERPY HOOVES

[GROANS]

COLGATE

Oh, my head… DERPY!

DERPY

Colgate!

The two wives share a reassuring hug and kiss.

LERO

Where are we?

DERPY HOOVES

Dunno.  Uh… a cave?

(suddenly alarmed)

Where’s The Doctor?

COLGATE & DERPY

(overlapping each other)

Doctor?  Doctor!!  Doctor, where are you?!

LERO

Twilight!  Rainbow!  Rarity!  Lyra!

There are several tunnels branching out from this strange new place that Lero, Derpy, and Colgate now find themselves in, but their voices just echo.  The three of them are all alone.

Until a figure glide in through one of the tunnels.  The three of them all freeze up in horror.

COLGATE

No…

LERO

A Dalek?

Colgate stares at Lero.

COLGATE

You KNOW about Dal…?!

DERPY HOOVES

LOOK OUT!!!

Their enemy swings its blaster at the three of them.

Daleks look like vaguely cylindrical, animated tanks.  A four-foot man might squeeze inside one with some discomfort.  They are each equipped with a shooter (that looks like an egg whisk) and a multipurpose interactive apparatus, (shaped like a plunger.)

They see the world through telescopic eyestalks and speak in shrill, angry hate-filled screeches.

DALEK

YOU-ARE-NOT-THE-DOCTOR!  NOT-THE-DOCTOR!  NOT-THE-DOCTOR!

MEANWHILE...

The Doctor, Rarity, Lyra, Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle find themselves in a COMPLETELY different place: a room with an electrified floor.  If not the cloud Rarity conjured for the five of them, they’d be zapped like bugs.

THE DOCTOR

Don’t panic!  I’ve been in these situations before; just keep calm!

A screen against the wall turns on.  It shows Angel Bunny wearing a futuristic collar around his neck.  A voice issues forth from the collar: synthetic yet smooth and filled with genuine emotion.  In this case: dislike.

ANGEL BUNNY

You!  Mr. Stallion!  You’re NOT Lero!  Not even a transformed version of him!  Identify yourself!!!

Question 4: TheOnlyOneWhoCared Asks:

Dear Mike Teavee,

Does anything here influence the actual story?

MIKE TEAVEE

More than you’ll ever know!  Let me just give a few examples.

Mike pulls up old questions submitted to Ask The Swapped Ponies.

SPINEL STRIDE

Dear Lyra: Have you asked Lero about human-style martial arts?   (If so, and if you are considering creating a new form for Lero to learn for self-defense against pony opponents, I recommend calling it 'Screaming Monkey Style' or 'Active Path' depending on whether Lero can be convinced to let out Tarzan yells when he uses it.)

MIKE TEAVEE

Spinel’s question here helped inspire this scene in Divided Rainbow:

“But now let’s review the details of next year’s sabbatical!”  Rarity said, gently pulling Lyra’s hind legs out from beneath her.  With her arms, she was working her way along Lyra’s left hind leg... with magic, she was massaging Lyra’s right hind leg.   “This time, instead of you alone, all five of us will be journeying together as a family!  We’ll be traveling to high, faraway Mt. Longhorn, in order for that minotaur grandmaster friend of yours... what was his name?”

“Brass Knuckles,”  the aqua unicorn breathed, almost sleepily.  Behind her back, Twilight and Lero grinned at one another.

“Yes... in order for Brass Knuckles to develop a unique martial arts, tailored for our stallion’s one-of-a-kind body.”  Rarity thought a moment.  “What’s more, this style is intended NOT for him to defend himself against other humans, but strictly for beings shaped nothing like himself!”

MIKE TEAVEE

And this gem from Super Big Mac…

SUPER BIG MAC

I've a question for Twilight. How difficult has it been to find other resources or cases about mind-swapping and/or other such happenings?

MIKE TEAVEE

That planted a seed in my mind which sprouted into this lengthy passage in Chapter 19:

“Fair enough.”  Lyra replied.  “Just try to ask him when you get a chance.  In any case, Twilight, since you couldn’t find any other instances of a Mark Swap... did you find situations SIMILAR to what we’re going through?”

“Oh yes!”  said Twilight.  “There’s Body Swaps, for one!”

“Yeah, tell us about that!”

Body Swaps!  Memories of every single long-running cartoon series he’d ever watched as a boy came back to Lero’s head.  Almost inevitably, there’d always been one episode where there’d be some form of switcheroo, which was somehow always fixed by the episode’s end.  On one hand, he could hardly blame them for wanting to undo their Swaps as fast as possible.  On the other hand, a grudging side of Lero would’ve loved to see how those cartoon characters would’ve handled half of the stuff he’d been put through!

MIKE TEAVEE

And then, this one from a LONG time ago…

ZONTARGS

Dear Twilight, Lyra, and Lero if he has any info on the subject: The Elements of Harmony seem to be at the core of any plans to deal with existential threats to Equestria. Back when Celestia and Luna were taking down evil kings and the like, they had access to the powers of the Elements. Now that the Elements are tied to Twilight and her friends, do the princesses have some sort of contingency plan in case one or more of you six are somehow incapacitated?

MIKE TEAVEE

Inspired this bit in Chapter 29:

Ancient runes glowed along ancient seams, closed for time beyond memory; Slowly, the glowing surface pulled back and locked into place, revealing the core of ancient, magical fusion empowering the massive artifact — as well as the tines of magical golden metal meant to focus its power to a point.

MIKE TEAVEE

Then, of course, all of BadWolf9510’s Irish contributions…

BADWOLF9510

To Honeydew:  Ní gá duit meas mo ridire. Tá mo ridire speisialta dom. Lómhara. Ní maith liom leat. B'fhéidir gur chóir dom a thaispeáint duit ach cad ba mhaith liom a dhéanamh a thabhairt duit má tá tú easpa measa air riamh arís.

An bhean uasal.

MIKE TEAVEE

Led to the creation of its own spinoff fanfic.  So in a word: yes.  So go ahead, and keep these questions coming!  Who knows?  Maybe a question you ask here WILL shape the plotline of Divided Rainbow!

Question 5: TheOnlyOneWhoCared Asks:

Dear Lyra,

Why does everyone assume you have a human fetish or something of the sorts?

LYRA

It’s because… I kind of do.  It pretty much developed sometime way back when Princess Celestia had first assigned me to keep watch over him.

She shrugs.

LYRA

I’m not ashamed to admit it: it wasn’t JUST Lero’s marvelous personality that first attracted me to him.  But I think what ponies DO get wrong is that they believe my fetish centers around his hands.  Probably because I call him ‘Fingers.’

Lyra smiles in a slightly bashful way.

LYRA

He ALWAYS puts those fingers of his to wonderful use, and I HAVE come to love them… but physically speaking, the most attractive part about Lero is not his hands, but his bipedalism.

Her cheeks flush and she gives a dreamy sigh.

LYRA

The way Lero’s able to stay on two legs like that for all waking hours of the day, the way he walks on them, and even the way he bends forwards… upright, when all my equine instincts tell me he ought to be falling… it’s like he’s the embodiment of all the poetry and philosophy I hold most dear.

She smiles towards the readers.

LYRA

Clearly, my Still Way training’s had something of a corruptive influence on my thinking, wouldn’t you say?

Question 6: BadWolf9510 Delivers:

BABA YAGA

Гнилые дети должны уважать старших, и крестьяне, как вы должны поклониться перед вашими кто выше, как и молодой рыцарь. Это старая ведьма может видеть в вашем сердце, ребенок, я вижу распад там. Может быть, я должен показать вам, что произойдет со всем, что гниль!

Honeydew gapes.  She stands in front of her bedroom mirror.

HONEYDEW

Once again, I find myself harangued in some weird foreign tongue.  It’s not even the same LANGUAGE as last time...

Just then, a clay flowerpot falls from the ceiling and shatters on Honeydew’s head from a high shelf. As she cries out in pain and shakes dirt and broken crockery off her head, she spots a folded note amidst the potting soil.

HONEYDEW

(reading the note)

“Rotten children should respect their elders, and peasants like you should bow before your betters, like the young knight. This old hag can see into your heart, child, I see the decay there. Maybe I should show you what will happen with that rot!  P.S. - Baba Yaga, Baba Yaga, Baba Yaga.”

Upon the third repetition of ‘Baba Yaga,’ her mirror SHINES.  A great bludgeon of some sort hits Honeydew’s head, stunning her where she stands.  Then a gnarled old hand shoots out, grabbing Honeydew by her throat, and pulling her inside the mirror.

Honeydew now finds herself in another world.  The ground is twenty feet down from where her body dangles.  The only reason Honeydew isn’t falling is because she’s being held by the throat of a monstrous individual: Baba Yaga.

Baba Yaga is an ogress, a witch, and a hag all at the same time, but with a shockingly tall and broad-bodied physique.  Long, jagged, and discolored are her fingernails and teeth.  Her nose is like some kind of protuberant gourd wrapped in living skin.  Her hair is tied back in a red babushka, and her body is clad in a female tunic-dress that would not look out of place upon an actress performing in Fiddler On The Roof.

Interestingly, where other witches might be expected to ride upon flying broomsticks, Baba Yaga rides inside a giant floating mortar.  A great pestle is clutched in her other hand: the hand not wrapped around Honeydew’s throat.

HONEYDEW

Sweet Celestia!  You are the most hideous primate it has even been my misfortune to lay eyes upon!  Are you the she-human that spawned that inequine creature Rarity has intercourse with?!

BABA YAGA

нет.

HONEYDEW

I’m sorry, What did you just say?  ‘Knee?’ ‘Net?’ ‘Yet?’

BABA YAGA

(with anger)

нет!

HONEYDEW

Oh.  You said all three at the same time.

Baba Yaga’s eyes glow with strange power as she sticks her lengthy tongue out.  Soon enough, the same strange glow surrounds the hag’s tongue. Honeydew is stunned.

HONEYDEW

You… you stay away from… hahhh???

As they float down towards the ground, Honeydew suddenly is compelled to stick her own tongue out, as though tasting something horrible upon it.  The SAME GLOW that’s on Baba Yaga’s tongue shines on Honeydew’s!

And then, unbelievably, Baba Yaga’s tongue PULLS FREE of her mouth!  As if torn out by an invisible hand!

And the same thing happens to Honeydew’s tongue!

Honeydew’s tongue floats into Baba Yaga’s mouth and attaches itself to the roots of her old tongue.  And vice versa with Honeydew.

Baba Yaga rolls her new tongue around her jagged teeth.

BABA YAGA

(thick Russian accent)

Now I talk with tongue you understand, yes?

HONEYDEW

(completely freaking out)

Общее количество! Общее количество! Это мне в рот! Это так отвратительно и большой!

Baba Yaga brains Honeydew with her enormous quarterstaff of a pestle.

HONEYDEW

(boiling fury)

Как ты смеешь меня ударил!

(stops; reflects on what's coming out of her mouth)

Подождите ... Почему я звучать так странно?!

BABA YAGA

You sound the way you sound because you are speaking with my tongue, peasant horse, and I am speaking with yours.

HONEYDEW

Вы можете понять, что я говорю?

BABA YAGA

Yes, I understand what you say!

With great effort and concentration, Honeydew does her best to force Baba Yaga’s tongue to speak English words.

HONEYDEW

Maaaaaaaa naayyyaahmmme eeeees Haahnaaayduuuu.

BABA YAGA

(sneering coldly)

I am Baba Yaga.

HONEYDEW

(threateningly)

Дайте мой язык обратно! Или я откусывайте этом язык мне в рот! Тогда я выплюнуть! И тогда я буду разбивают это!

BABA YAGA

Go ahead.  Bite off the tongue in your mouth.  Go ahead.  Smash it into jelly; carry out your threat.  Then I would have no choice but to keep this tongue of yours for myself.  And you can go tongueless.

Baba Yaga stares at Honeydew like a chess master who’s forced her opponent into check.  Honeydew fidgets in dread.

HONEYDEW

Что происходит?! Где я?!

BABA YAGA

This place is my home.

Honeydew looks around at at bleak and inhospitable-looking countryside; with many scary-looking trees.

BABA YAGA

That house is my house.

Baba Yaga’s house is the ONLY house within eyesight.  And BOY, what a house it is!  A hut with a thatched roof that stands upon chicken legs.

HONEYDEW

(incredulously)

Куриные ножки?

The hut’s chicken legs scratch at the ground.  It seems agitated, for some reason, and Baba Yaga does not overlook this agitation.

BABA YAGA

A house that can run is a house that is nice.

She thumps her pestle authoritatively upon the ground.  The chicken-legged hut obediently sits down, opening its door.  Baba Yaga's mortar floats inside.

BABA YAGA

(to Honeydew)

Go in.

HONEYDEW

(won't cooperate)

Я не собираюсь там!

BABA YAGA

Rotten peasant horse WILL go inside if she knows what’s good for her.

HONEYDEW

(bares her teeth hatefully)

Нет! Я лучше умру!

Baba Yaga SMILES to hear that Honeydew 'would rather die.'  Then she enters her chicken-legged hut, not QUITE closing the door all the way behind her.

Honeydew sneers at the hag, then looks around, trying to get her bearings.  So much forest is around her.  Which way should she even GO?

And… what are those strange noises?  Like many bats and rats together…

She turns to the side to see a SWARM of wingless grinning things, all as big as she is.  A hodgepodge-variety of them.  They’re the ones making the noise.  Their legs never touch the ground for very long.  They float.  They leap over trees.  Their eyes are fixed on Honeydew.

She turns left and runs!  Galloping for her life… almost running straight into ANOTHER SWARM!

She turns left again and tries to make a run for it: ANOTHER SWARM!

So many of them!  So MANY OF THEM!  Thirty or so to every swarm!

Floating towards Honeydew and leaping towards her… they’re even DESCENDING DOWN STRAIGHT FROM THE SKY!!!

She turns left again; there’s Baba Yaga’s house!  Without a second thought, Honeydew dashes for its door, throwing herself inside!  It locks itself behind her, and the chicken-legged hut stands up and runs for it, heading off to some completely different place altogether!

BABA YAGA

(from inside the house)

Now we can begin.

MIKE TEAVEE

To be continued…

Question 7: Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

What was it like having your interdimensional guest over?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

In a word: fascinating.  Fascinating to contrast the differences AND similarities between this other Lero and my own.  Fascinating to hear his story: I wish I could’ve gone along and seen the space age technology!  Fascinating that ONE world where Rainbow and I had Swapped with each other WASN’T just a dream; I had seen through a window into an alternate reality!  Fascinating because… I figured it would feel more unreal and dreamlike having a second Lero over.  But in the end, it was just like a neighbor had visited.  A neighbor who was going through a similar problem.

She sips a drink.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

The other Lero was a perfect gentleman, just as wonderful to be around.  But I noticed there was a lot of... fretfulness, beneath the surface.  Even when he was yelling angrily, there was great anxiety in him.  But I suppose I’d’ve been that way too, if I’d learned I was bewitched.

She smiles.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Having him over helped me appreciate how good I actually have it.  I mean, this other Twilight has at least EIGHT Swapped Ponies to deal with, if not more!  Lyra, Bonbon, AND Derpy Hooves… poor things.  That other Twilight has had BOTH her herd-sisters swapped out with other ponies.  Her Lero and Spike aren’t on any exemption list, so they wouldn’t have been able to help her like mine have.  I just want to spend fifteen minutes in person with this other me and hug her and help her brainstorm her situation.

Twilight shuts up entirely as she hears Rarity approach and sees her poke her head in.

RARITY

Twilight, dear?  I seem to have misplaced a book I was in the middle of reading… you wouldn’t have happened to have seen The Lofty Firmaments?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Kitchen counter.

RARITY

Thank you!

Rarity leaves.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Ha ha… oh, Rarity, if only you had known a second Lero would be coming over… oh, what a busy night that would’ve been for all of us!

Question 8: TheOnlyOneWhoCared Asks:

Dear Discord,

Before I ask any questions, have a free hug and a fist-bump, because you're awesome.

Discord hugs and fist-bumps The Only One Who Cares Back.

DISCORD

Right on, bro!  Right on!

THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES

Now questions(a lot of them):Why did the show only show one day?

Discord sits before a TV, watching Magical Mystery Cure conclude, with the credits rolling.  He turns to the readers.

DISCORD

First off, I don’t believe it was one day.  Remember how, in the TV episode, Swapped Pinkie Pie was such a bad farmer that the trees on Sweet Apple Acres went barren?  And how Swapped Applejack was so bad at making dresses, she had to shut down the Carousel Boutique?

He steeples his fingers.

DISCORD

Things like that do NOT happen overnight.  It requires TIME for that kind of deterioration.  That episode WASN'T taking place in 'real time,' buddy.

THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES

And what is your theory on how long it will take(at this rate)?

DISCORD

(shrugs)

My personal bet is it’ll take another year at least.  In this version of things, Twilight Sparkle has to deal with Rainbow Dash and Rarity as herd-sisters, not just best buddies.  So she’s being extra-cautious.

THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES

How do you like your Diaries of A Madmanverse?

DISCORD

Regretfully, I’ve never had the pleasure of reading it yet.

THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES

Are you up for darts next Tuesday?

DISCORD

Would 8 P.M. suit you?  It does?  Cool!  See you then!

THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES

Are there any other draconequui?

Herd Bellerophon is at a fairground, amidst a crowd of other ponies.

LERO

Er… excuse me, please, girls… gotta answer a call of nature!

RARITY

Don’t take too long!

Lero steps into a stallion’s bathroom.  While he’s busy doing his business, Discord suddenly appears, snaps his fingers, then vanishes.

When the human steps out of the stall, he’s shocked to see EVERY SINGLE PONY; stallion, mare, and foal, has been transformed into a draconequus!

DISCORD

There are as many ‘other draconequui’ as I feel like there ought to be, at any given time!

THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES

Thoughts on R63 Discord?

Discord reaches down his own throat, feels around inside, then comes back holding a snapped-off rib of his.  He tosses it onto the ground, where it proceeds to grow into a full-grown R63 version of himself.  He waggles his eyebrows at her.

DISCORD

(rakishly)

Hey, hot stuff, wanna play a few rounds of shuffleboard with me?

R63 DISCORD

(sensuously)

I thought you’d never ask!

Question 9: FanOfMostEverything Asks:

An open question to everyone on the exemption list:

If you could choose how the Swap had happened, how would you assign cutie marks? Other than the result that wouldn't change anything, of course.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

I’d swap Rainbow Dash with either Applejack (because a farm’s a great place for a physical girl like Dash), or Pinkie Pie, (because, let’s face it; Dash LOVES being the life of the party.)

I’d swap Applejack with either Pinkie Pie, (because AJ’s also a terrific baker) or Fluttershy, (because she could put her herding skills to use with the animals.)

I’d swap Fluttershy with either Rarity, (because Fluttershy can sew dresses) or Rainbow Dash, (because, well… better a fellow pegasus get Dash’s high-altitude lifestyle than one of my Earth Pony friends!)

I’d swap Rarity with either Pinkie Pie, (because they both enjoy parties,) or Rainbow Dash…

She licks her lips.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

…Because I’ve seen the results of that, and I like it very much.

LYRA

Well, if the Swap absolutely HAD to happen, and I had to choose how… well, what I’d have done is Swap Rarity’s mark onto Sweetie Belle, Applejack’s mark onto Apple Bloom, and Rainbow Dash’s mark onto Scootaloo.  I mean, yes, it’d be… uncomfortable, watching Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash revert to a pre-adolescent mentality… but think how ENLIGHTENING it’d be for the three young ones!  Those Cutie Mark Crusaders are so intent on having cutie marks… I know it’d be an eye-opener for them, getting to experience what having a cutie mark’s actually like, along with having adult responsibilities!  And what better marks to have than the three grown mares they admire most?

Lyra suddenly goes silent as Rarity passes by her on a cloud.  The white unicorn blows Lyra a kiss as she goes, and Lyra blows one right back.

Then the aqua unicorn has an uncomfortable thought.

LYRA

Wait… if Scootaloo swaps with Rainbow Dash… wouldn’t that mean I’d have swapped Scootaloo into being my herd sister, then?!

Lyra shudders, looking queasy.

LYRA

Uh… instead of Rainbow Dash, have Scootaloo swap with, uh, Spitfire!  Yeah.  Spitfire.

LERO

Call me unoriginal, but… you remember that one time that me from the alternate universe came and visited my house?  That ‘Pony Star Wars’ thing he talked about… that’s how I’D have done it!  I mean, if I had to deal with the Swap, at least I’d be able to enjoy space-age technology and my very own personal starship!

(frowns)

Either that, or… Twilight had mentioned a dream where Fluttershy had  Rainbow’s Mark, and Rarity had Twilight’s Mark, and Dash, herself, was the fashionista?  Part of me almost wishes I could’ve been in THAT world, if for no other reason than to prove I could’ve handled it better that THAT Lero did.

SPIKE

Applejack would be Weathermare, Rarity would be Celestia’s student, and Lero and me would swap with each other.  Also, I’d fine-tune the Swap so that after the Swap, Lero’s as small as me, and I’m as tall as him!

(shyly)

Though I’d also go out of my way to be the best big brother to Lero I could be.  Honest, I would.  If Lero were living my life, he’d be in a lot of pain.

DISCORD

If it were MY Swap, I wouldn’t do ANYTHING in half-measures.  I’d look at the BIG picture!  Every single unicorn gets swapped with a griffon!  Every pegasus gets swapped with a donkey!  And every Earth Pony gets swapped with a Breezie!    Oh, wouldn’t it be loverly?

PRINCESS LUNA

Were it me… I’d first make sure Discord was cooperating with his bewitchment, and then Swap the top-ranking members of my Elite Night Guard with all the members of the Wonderbolts.

She swallows.

PRINCESS LUNA

The thestrals are my people, and a noble race in their own right.  It… would gladden my heart, seeing thestrals venerated and idolized as superstars by the three larger pony tribes for once.

STAR SPARKLE

Let me see… Lucent, I’d swap with Rainbow Dash.

Star grins and takes a sip from her highball.  She’s currently inside another bar.

STAR SPARKLE

Those sweet, colorful flanks would finally be mine!  Mmmhmm, let me see…  Crincille, I’d swap with that one thestral guard of Luna’s, with the pretty wings.  Glint... I’d swap with that fine-looking bartender over there, and Twilight Velvet, I’d exchange for the bartender’s assistant.

She downs the rest of her drink.

STAR SPARKLE

Ahhh, if I had the power to Swap herdmates of mine with whatever fine piece of flank happened to cross my path, well, you’d never find a more faithful little wife than me!   And, oh yes, I’d Swap my daughter’s teacher with that changeling queen… what was her name?  Chrysalis, yes.  No one would ever notice the difference, even without the bewitchment in place.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

I’d Swap Star Sparkle with Ahuizotl.   No one would ever notice the difference, even without the bewitchment in place.

Question 10: Zer0prototype Asks:

To whomever might be aware: what was Starswirl’s cutie mark?

The ghost of Starswirl the Bearded gives a sigh, then lifts up the tail end of his wizardly robes, revealing his cutie mark.

It’s a single bell: a bell of the exact same kind as those on Starswirl’s own hat.

Round Twenty-Two: The Cheerleader Costume

Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Twenty-Two: The Cheerleader Costume

Spoilers Up To Chapter 29

MIKE TEAVEE

And now, the thrilling conclusion of Honeydew's adventures with Baba Yaga...

The spacious interior of the chicken-legged hut shows that Baba Yaga is a luddite’s luddite.  All her possessions might as well have been pilfered from the homes of 15th century Russians.

Yet for all that… the place definitely isn’t spartan.  It may not be a czarina’s palace, but Baba’s hut is still richly stocked.  Every object, from the spinning wheel to the fireplace bellows is in excellent condition, (no museum pieces here!)  The shelves are loaded with LOTS of food and alcohol.  Plus, quite a few items that look like they’re probably magical in nature.

But right now, Honeydew is too busy cowering in a corner to notice any of it, as the chicken hut sprints off to who-knows-where.

Meanwhile, Baba Yaga is as cool as a cucumber, watching the landscape rush by through a window, while drinking from a large tankard.

BABA YAGA

These taste buds of your tongue are strange, peasant-horse.  They make me want to eat watermelon and hay.

She takes another drink from her tankard.

BABA YAGA

Kvass tastes a little different with your tongue, too.  But not in a bad way.

Finally, the hut comes to a stop.  Baba Yaga goes over and pulls Honeydew up to a stand.

BABA YAGA

Come.  It is time for your punishment.

HONEYDEW

(fearful for her life)

Собираетесь ли вы убить меня?

BABA YAGA

No, I do not mean to kill you.  I swear on my Wyrd.

In no time at all, Honeydew find walking down a dirt road with her back hitched to a cart. Baba Yaga rides inside the cart, holding the reins.

HONEYDEW

(dark grumble)

Мне жаль, что я был мертв. Почему я должен быть наказан, как это?!

BABA YAGA

You really ARE stupid, peasant-horse.  You were rude to the Lady and her Knight, THAT is why you must be punished!

Honeydew turns inquisitive.

HONEYDEW

Вы слуга Дамская?  Вы ее тетя?

BABA YAGA

No.  I am no servant of the Lady.  And we are not family either.  The Lady and me… how to put it… we are sometimes-allies and sometimes-enemies.

HONEYDEW

Вы политиков?

Baba laughs.

BABA YAGA

“Politicians!”  Ha!  That is almost not-wrong.  You make me laugh, peasant-horse.  That is a good thing.

HONEYDEW

Вы в настоящее время союзники или враги?

BABA YAGA

Right now?  The Lady and I are allies.  But that could change any time.  Around here, such is… ha ha… ‘politics.’

Baba suddenly sniffs the air as alertly as a dog, then jerks the reins in her hands to the left, forcing Honeydew to go that way.

BABA YAGA

But even if we were enemies, I would still be punishing you for your dishonor to the Lady and her Knight.

HONEYDEW

Почему?

BABA YAGA

Because I respect them.

Baba Yaga sniffs again more intently.  She peers forward, spots something, then pulls back on the reins, making Honeydew stop.

BABA YAGA

Here we are.

Baba Yaga and Honeydew stand at the top of a hill.  Down at the bottom of the hill, there is a gang of goblin boys, none of whom have noticed Baba or Honeydew yet.  Their ages range from 9 to 13, and every one of them is a dirty, warty, snaggletoothed, uncivilized lowlife.  Two of them are having a bare-fisted slugfest.  The rest surround them, cheering the fighters on.

BABA YAGA

See those goblin boys?

Honeydew nods sullenly.

BABA YAGA

Some time ago, they all stole food from me.  They think I have forgotten.

Then Baba takes out a small little comb and throws it down towards the goblin  boys.  It hits one of them, bouncing off his snout, and sinks straight into the ground.

Seconds later, a FOREST OF SPEARS erupts from the ground, and all the goblin boys are impaled gruesomely.

Honeydew’s just horrified.

BABA YAGA

Now we will load them into the cart and bring them to my home.

So they load the goblins on the cart.  Baba Yaga walks alongside Honeydew this time, as she is made to haul the corpses to Baba’s home.

Soon enough, Honeydew finds herself in a different room of Baba Yaga’s hut; a room devoted to butchery.  Baba's giant mortar is also brought in.

The pony watches in disgust as the witch take a large knife and separates one of the goblin boys’ meat from his bones with stunning speed and expertise.  One by one, she throws the bones into the mortar.

BABA YAGA

Now this is your punishment: you will grind their bones to make my bread.

HONEYDEW

...Хлеб?

BABA YAGA

(smiles)

Some cooks make bread from oatmeal.  Some make bread from cornmeal.  I prefer a different flavor: bonemeal.  So step into my mortar, and use those hooves of yours to grind their bones to make my bread!

And so Honeydew obeys, stepping into the mortar, more sickened than ever before as she stomps on the wet, bloody bones to grind them into powder.

For a while as she does so, Honeydew mutters some kind of mantra under her breath that sounds remarkably like ‘four legs good, two legs bad,’ albeit with a super-thick Russian accent.

Baba Yaga just continues to de-bone more goblin boys, until finally, Honeydew speaks out.

HONEYDEW

Почему вы называете его "Рыцарь?"

BABA YAGA

We call him The Knight because he IS a knight.

HONEYDEW

(incredulously)

Я не могу в это поверить.

Baba Yaga laughs again.  She is not bothered by Honeydew’s inquiring questions, so long as the pony continues to grind bones.

BABA YAGA

Yes, I can see why you would have your doubts.

The ogress takes another drink of kvass.

BABA YAGA

You’ve never seen him act very ‘knightly,’ have you?  But you do not know him as I know him and The Lady knows him.  Before he came to live in your world, he was The Lady’s sword and shield in all things.  A terror to face in one-on-one combat.  A gifted tactician and general, on the battlefield.  Ruthless and brutal, capable of such incredible…

Baba’s knife slices messily through a goblin boy’s arm.

BABA YAGA

...Carnage.

HONEYDEW

(confused)

Это... Это...

BABA YAGA

It is to laugh, is it not?  The wolf runs away to the land of the horses, and fools everyone into believing he has never been anything but a sweet, docile little lamb!  Including himself!  Then he takes several horses for his wives… and… and…

Baba Yaga cackles all the louder as she dumps more bones into Honeydew’s mortar.

BABA YAGA

The Lady is always watching him.  Watching him live his horse-life in that horse-world.  All his happy times, painful times, even humdrum times.  Sometimes I come by, and we watch him together.  SUCH ENDLESS COMEDY for us both!  No jester or clown has made us laugh so much!  ESPECIALLY recently, with how things have been… switched around.

Honeydew looks blankly at Baba, but the ogress smiles cryptically.

BABA YAGA

And The Lady is so excited because The Knight has agreed to come back and return to her service, once his horse-wife has given birth, and the offspring reaches the age of seven.

Honeydew barely suppresses a gag reflex.

BABA YAGA

And if he refuses to honor his agreement, then this world goes to war with the horse-world.

Honeydew's breath stops as she sees Baba Yaga looks at the piles of meat she’s made with unmistakable hunger.

BABA YAGA

Part of me almost wishes for him to refuse.

Suddenly, Honeydew wobbles where she stands, her eyes rolling up in her head.  Maybe it’s the noxious stench of gore and blood. Maybe it’s fatigue, or the sheer barbarity of it all.  Whatever it is, it's just too big a shock for Honeydew's system.  She collapses.

The Great And Powerful Trixie trots over down a hotel hallway, already getting her key out.  She's in high spirits.

TRIXIE

Biggest standing ovation YET!  What a wonderful city this is!  Trixie will definitely need to come back here to Whinnypeg is again!

But then, her door opens, and out steps Honeydew.

TRIXIE

What the…?!  How did you get into Trixie's Great and Powerful hotel suite?!

HONEYDEW

I… don’t… know…

Disquieted by her thousand-yard stare, Trixie backs away, letting Honeydew stagger past her in a stupefied daze.  Then Trixie enters her hotel room, to see whether anything of hers has been stolen.  She pops her head back out, and calls after Honeydew, levitating an object for her to see.

TRIXIE

Hey, lady!  Is this weird loaf of bread yours?

Question 1: Super Big Mac Asks:

Dear Honeydew,

Westboro Baptist Church is a group that loves to hate and spew out their own righteousness, all in the name of making sure that everyone knows that everything that goes wrong is because everyone but them is homosexual, and that that is a very, very, bad thing.

HONEYDEW

Frankly, I have to agree with this Westboro group of yours: homosexuality IS a very, very bad thing.  Just like heterosexuality.  Bisexual is how we were all MEANT to be!  I meam… craving ONE gender but not the other?  That’s very bad for forming herds… no one should be that way!

Then Honeydew has a thought.

HONEYDEW

Well… except maybe that bonobo.  It’s a small consolation, I know, but with him being bent-towards-girls, at least the STALLIONS are assured to be safe from his bottomless lust.

SUPER BIG MAC

And trust me, I'm simplifying this to about a Kindergarten level so that you can understand it. You're just like them. You only bash on Lero because you fear him. All because he's different.

HONEYDEW

I won’t deny that there’s a lot I fear about him.  But there’s more to it all than him simply being ‘different.’

SUPER BIG MAC

I want to know how long you knew about bonobos before Lero came to Equestria.  And if the answer is "nothing at all," then that just goes to show that you didn't understand this new creature that had appeared in your town, and you looked for and found the most non-equine and disgusting thing you could that had to do with apes, just to make yourself feel good, and to prove to yourself that you're completely correct with treating him like dirt.  Honestly? I don't care. I giggle and laugh and smile every time you say something, because all I hear is a whining little filly who doesn't like change nagging about something new and different.

Honeydew just GLARES at Super Big Mac, sullenly.

SUPER BIG MAC

You're like that person who hates supermarkets because it takes a farmer's market, and puts it in a giant, air-conditioned room, and removes about 80% of the person-to-person interaction. You make no sense.

HONEYDEW

YOU’RE the one who makes no sense!!!  What’s a ‘supermarket?’  What is ‘air-conditioned’ supposed to mean?!  Ergh!  I’ve DONE with this!  Between ‘The Lady,’ and Baba Yaga and THIS bozo, I’ve QUITE had my fill of alien creatures who insist on speaking to me in gobbledegook!

Honeydew storms off.

Question 2: Moonblaze Asks:

Dear Honeydew,

I believed ponies were a superior race, what with Equestria being founded not by war or breaking away from another (however peacefully) but via a coming together. By taking a first step toward Harmony. Though there were rough, patches a thousand years of peace (following the Nightmare Moon incident) is no small feat.  But now I've met you. Funny how meeting a pony who thinks she's superior is what shatters my perception that she is, hm?

HONEYDEW

What do you EXPECT me to say?  What do you expect me to think?  That we’re EQUALS?  That I’m INFERIOR to you?!  Dream on, orangutan!!!

MOONBLAZE

Life never fails to disappoint, does it?

HONEYDEW

Join the club.

MOONBLAZE

I certainly have it in me to be nasty and mean, (not all of us have hearts of gold like Lero there…)

HONEYDEW

What IS it that’s gotten everyone so convinced that ape is some virtuous do-gooder?!

MOONBLAZE

But the benefit of having to write something rather than say it is that it gives you time to gain perspective. And what I really want to do is not something for my benefit, but for yours.

HONEYDEW

(flat and sour)

For MY benefit?  Oh, how very CHARITABLE of you.

MOONBLAZE

Your hate is consuming you. Lero is in your world, living his life. He is accepted and loved. Your hate for him, whatever it's source, whether it's justified or not, has come to dominate your life. It's driven away your sisters. Your husband named it your worst feature. And what impact is it having on Lero and his herd? Practically none at all. You think it's hurting him, but it's not. It's only hurting you and those around you, the ones you care about most. Your hate for Lero has become more important to you then your love for your family.

Honeydew just grows angrier and angrier with every new word from Moonblaze.

MOONBLAZE

For your own sake, and more importantly for the sake of those you love, let it go.

HONEYDEW

YOU WOULD LIKE THAT, WOULDN’T YOU, PRIMATE?!  WELL, IT AIN’T HAPPENING!!!   DROP DEAD!!!

Question 3: Moving Target Asks:

Dear Widescreen and Ivory Keys,

We've seen how Honeydew's, um..."opinion", on Herd Bellerophon has been affecting her relationship with her sisters.  How has it been affecting you two?  I can't imagine it's been easy.

Widescreen and Ivory Keys look up tiredly.

IVORY KEYS

It HASN’T been easy.

WIDESCREEN

Our social life has suffered for it.

IVORY KEYS

And our businesses.  Who wants to buy from the ponies who herd with ‘the bigot?’

WIDESCREEN

And it’s made things at home… stressful.

IVORY KEYS

But, if it’s all the same to you, we’d rather not discuss details.  It’s personal.

Question 4: Super Big Mac Asks:

Dear Honeysuckle and Honeybee,

Have either of you participated in Lero's swimming lessons?

HONEYSUCKLE

I don’t need lessons.  I’ve gotten pretty skilled at swimming on my own.

HONEYBEE

I’m sure you all know the story about how I nearly drowned.  So the idea of swimming lessons leave me a little… uncomfortable.  ‘Once bitten, twice shy,’ and all.  But let’s say I did want to learn to swim.  Well, not to sound racist or anything, but I think I’d much rather have ANOTHER PONY be my swimming instructor.

Honeybee looks nervous.

HONEYBEE

Don’t get me wrong!  Lero’s a great guy, and I’m sure there’s a lot of other stuff he could teach me.  But, well, for certain things… PHYSICAL things… quadrupeds and bipeds are just built too different.  Humans shouldn’t teach ponies how to swim any more than ponies should teach humans ballroom dancing.

SUPER BIG MAC

Has Honeydew tried to disrupt them at all?

HONEYSUCKLE

It’s my understanding that Dew tried that… once.  And Lyra Heartstrings gave her quite a headache for her troubles.

Question 5: FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Celestia,

I understand if you don't want to answer this question, but I can't help but wonder: has the Apollion Cannon ever been fired?

We are in the depths of space.  At first, it seems we are looking down at Equestria.  However, it soon becomes clear that this is a bizarre, inverted mockery of that familiar realm.  Behind it, pushing it, is a massive, unearthly conglomeration of connected stars, bound together by strange dreamlike imagery and disturbingly organic looking masses, as if someone had turned the dream of a gigantic Ursa Major inside out.   It accelerates the false Equestria faster and faster, the perspective changing… the Fake Equestria’s on a collision course with the true Equestria!

PRINCESS CELESTIA

Yes.

The Apollion cannon fires, blasting into the False Equestria, tearing into it, and deflecting it and its maker, sending them spiraling off into the depths of space.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

Once.

Question 6: Zer0protype Asks:

Dear Celestia,

If the Sun and/or Moon are super weapons where did they come from or who built them?

Dear Luna,

Does the Moon posses some form of offensive or defensive weapon, like the Sun? If so, what is it?

Celestia and Luna step forward, in a familiar sight of lights whorling behind them.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

As these questions involve us both, we felt it best if we answer them together.

PRINCESS LUNA

While we intended to answer as completely as possible, forgive us if we are elusive on some points.  But this we CAN tell you: The Sun and Moon were created by the same Maker that created Equestria, and indeed, this universe in which we all dwell.

PRINCESS LUNA

In regards to the nature of the Moon, perhaps it’s best that I start by explaining the sun in a bit more detail. For example, you might ask, if we had the power of the sun, why didn’t we use it against, say, Discord?

An image forms in the air behind Luna, along with an image of Discord, spreading chaos and cackling wickedly. The sun begins unfolding in the sky.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

The obvious answer is, of course, his power was such that he could control the sun, but even if not… well, while it does have enough power that if it struck him head-on with its fully might, it would most likely spread his essence to the winds.   However…

In Luna’s image, the sun fires, unleashing a torrent of energy, looking like a shimmering golden merger between lighting and fire. Discord notices, and blinks away before it strikes; but Equestria is hit, tearing it asunder. Discord pops back in as the energy fades.

DISCORD

Missed me!

PRINCESS LUNA

It is far too risky to use on a being of his scale.  Especially one so chaotic.  However…

Another image appears; that of Equestria. a Faerie ring in a remote section of the world flickers and twists, before tearing open, endless swarms of goblins pouring out, followed by drivers with whips, shouting and cracking in the air.

Behind them, the ‘rank and file’ of Fae soldiers march, graceful and disciplined, wearing armor as beautiful as it is functional, wielding weapons sublime and terrible.

Behind those endless legions, aerial forces fly, from sprites to gossamer-winged beasts to impossible magical constructions flown by boggins, then, mighty behemoths emerge, colossal and alien monsters made of raw madness, then carried on the backs of a thousand slaves, a crystal castle emerges, bastion of the lord of this army.

However, as it all comes into view, something strange… alien, is clear. The army, for all its variety and strangeness, moves flawlessly as one, as if it was a single organism. Its edges flicker and twist, in the suggestion of a massive beast, consuming all in its way.

As it advances, the terrain itself warps, shifting into alien terrain; ponies and animals caught in its wakes are either subsumed, transformed into Fae creatures if deemed interesting or useful.  Those not are torn apart, their magic, souls, emotions, and creativity harvested to feed the monstrosity.

However, before it gets too far, the Appollion canon fires, blasting into the castle; it resists, a shimmering shield of gossamer fending off the relentless assault, but it cannot stand. It collapses, the castles blasted to pieces, tearing its lord and master into its raw magical essence.  The army screams in agony, and before their eyes, melts and withers away like ash.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

Larger-scale monstrosities do exist.

She shakes her head.

PRINCESS LUNA

As you can see, the Sun can fend off larger, immediate threats to Equestria... praise the Maker. As for the Moon…

The image flickers to strange, alien beings, looking for all the world like knots of coarse hair, coated in what appears to be sticky phlegm, endless strands extending from the central mass, acting as prehensile limbs, they locomoting in a bizarre, hopping gait. In their arms are screaming and crying foals, barely weeks old.

Their parents chased behind them, screaming for the monsters to stop, but unable to keep up with their strange motions, moving far faster than one would guess. They race towards a smoking hole in the air, similar to the hellgate Master Koan guarded. they leap through, pulling it shut behind them, their parents swinging their hooves their the empty air in distress.

PRINCESS LUNA

...It is a nexus. A ways between worlds. Any place that does, or could connect to Equestria, one can travel there through the moon.

The image shifts to Luna, in her study, chatting with a guard.  Suddenly, she snaps alert, and melts into the shadows of the room, leaving behind a confused guard.

The images follows the Luna-mist as it wends through the shadow of the moon, images of different worlds flickering open as she passes.  Ones of dream, ones of shimmering potential, ones of other Equestrians, and more before she dives into a shadowy, smoking realm.

Suddenly, the hopping hair-demons stop short as Luna forms in front of them, drawing silver, crescent blades, who flash as they strike.

PRINCESS LUNA

As such, it is designed to respond to more subtle threats to Equestria… and mete out punishment to those who have harmed Equestria, and think themselves immune to reprisal by retreating.

The image shifts to Luna returning the foals to their grateful, sobbing parents who hug them tight.

PRINCESS LUNA

It also has… another use.

The image shifts to view Equestria from the perspective of deep space.

Sliding in behind it is something… massive.  So huge it blots out the stars behind it, the sun itself barely illuminating it, revealing brass-covered mechanisms, and yawning gulfs of shadow.

The scale is almost impossible to tell, putting to shame the Death Star, Unicron, and Galactus, giving you the impression that it is a universe of brass and shadow in and of itself.

Small features flicker into view: towers of illuminated gold, veins of pulsing, twisting silver, filigree of rainbow-colored metal, power arcing across them. They loom menacingly, like weapons. There’s also other, irregular areas on the surface, looking like scars, patched over with the same materials.

PRINCESS LUNA

If… Equestria was threatened, by something beyond what the Sun could hope to counter…

Appendages reaches out, even though it’s tiny compared to the rest of the behemoth, it’s more than large enough to engulf Equestria and its sun and moon with ease. Suddenly, the moon emits a bright flash of light… and Equestria and its satellites are gone.

PRINCESS LUNA

The Moon can take Equestria elsewhere.

Question 7: FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Lero,

So, now that you've seen his circumstances and have gotten an apology, how do you feel about Starswirl?

LERO

I’ll be honest… before seeing what Luna showed me, I pictured Starswirl as the villain in all this.  Cackling at us all from beyond the grave.  For me, The Swap WAS Starswirl… kind of like how the One Ring WAS the Dark Lord Sauron… if that makes any sense.

He smiles.

LERO

But then it turned out he wasn’t the psychotic warlock I thought he was. Poor guy didn’t realize that his unfinished spell WAS unfinished until he gave it a test-run… and it blew up in his face FAR worse than Twilight.  I think… between the things he did to fight his Swap and holding his own against Celestia and Luna, and the way he honestly loved them both… Starswirl was actually as cool a guy as Twilight made him out to be.

Then he folds his arms.

LERO

Though he was also a cranky old jerk, too.

Question 8: FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Twilight,

They say you should never meet your heroes. What are your thoughts after having done just that?

Twilight is looking out her balcony towards the rising sun.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

“You should never meet your heroes,” eh?  Well… on one hoof, I can understand the thought process behind such a statement.  But… well… I grew up as Celestia’s student.  Many ponies FAR older than me go through their whole lives thinking Princess Celestia is absolutely infallible.  But being so close to her side, I learned very early that she isn’t.  But that knowledge didn’t crush me or turn me into dejected and miserable.  I still love her and hold her in the highest regard possible.

The Soul Synthesis spell flares on her horn again.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Meeting Starswirl was kind of similar.  Yes, he was a little… less amiable than I would’ve preferred.  But in the end, he was still a good guy.  He did so much for the sake of Equestria and our princesses.  Yes, he’d made a huge mistake… but I’ve definitely made a few of those, myself.  And even at his rudest, he was still trying to help me.

She lets the spell fade.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

I consider myself very lucky that the ponies I’ve picked to be my heroes are still worth looking up to after I’ve learned the worst about them.

Question 9: FanOfMostEverything Says:

Dear Luna,

I don't actually have a question for you, but I offer all the comfort I can through this medium. And a hug, if Mike permits it.

PRINCESS LUNA

Gladly.

She spreads her wings and envelopes Fan Of Most Everything in them, leaning thankfully into the hug Fan gives her.

PRINCESS LUNA

A hug from a kind and goodhearted human is a treasure to be cherished.

Question 10: DanielH Asks:

Dear Honeydew,

I feel the need to apologize for the behavior of some of my fellow humans here. They have verbally abused you and driven you to tears, and this is no way to treat another sentient being.

Honeydew’s eyes widen in pure astonishment.

HONEYDEW

(quivering voice)

T… thank you.  Really, truly, THANK you, sir.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  NO ONE ever speaks nicely to me anymore… no one TRIES to understand me like you do.  I have feelings, too, and you’re the first one since… since…

Overcome with emotion, Honeydew breaks down in tears.

DANIELH

I hope you don't let their behavior further bias you from humans in general. We, like ponies and all the other sentient races of Equestria (whether you admit it or not) do have some bad instincts and sometimes let ourselves be driven by desires to hurt others (although, again, these aren't uniquely human flaws and I could point out some cases where ponies also behave hurtfully to other ponies).

For now, Honeydew is too emotional to respond coherently, one way or the other.  She goes into her bedroom, plants her face in a pillow, and cries into it.

DANIELH

However, we, also like ponies, have in general learned how to avoid these behaviors and achieve greater heights together. I would ask you to judge humans as individuals instead of by their species, just as you would for pegasi, unicorns, earth ponies, minotaurs, griffins, etc. Again, I am sorry that many of your letter writers went beyond polite questions and requests and into the territory of being just plain mean.

HONEYDEW

(still sobbing)

EVERYONE’S always ganging up on me… bullying me and calling me names… I’m just trying to be strong…

DANIELH

That said, it is a good idea for anybody (pony, griffon, human, etc.) to know more about what they'd do in extreme circumstances. Thus, in the interests of both you being able to better understand yourself and us being able to better understand you, I'm asking the following question. If you were somehow in the position to save the life of one of the people who wrote those letters, would you do it?

There is a set of folded clothes on Honeydew’s vanity.  A cheerleader’s outfit, of all things.  Like one would wear to a costume party.

Honeydew lifts her head off of the pillow, and looks over at it.

HONEYDEW

Save their… life?

She looks from the cheerleader costume to her own rather haggard reflection in the vanity mirror.

HONEYDEW

If… if I were to be walking down the road, and I happened to come across one of those mean humans… and their bodies were broken and burning from fire… I… I would do everything I could to help…

She again looks back and forth between the cheerleader costume and her own reflection.

HONEYDEW

...The fire.

She wipes her tears away.

HONEYDEW

For THOSE fine examples of humanity… nothing but the highest-proof alcohol!  My driest, most flammable kindling!   And charcoal galore!

A dark look enters Honeydew’s eyes.

HONEYDEW

(very bitterly indeed)

“You're a little bitch who likes melons, Honeydew!”

“Ever thought of getting a vacation to get away from all that hate, Honeydew?”

“How many times were you bucked in the face before you decided to take up Rolling Earth, Honeydew?”

“You’re a lecherous beast of burden who thinks far too much about bonobos and how they will grind on you, Honeydew!”

“You're like an adolescent school yard bully that just discovered what sex was for the first time, Honeydew!”

“I’d lock you up in the stable until you stink of hay, Honeydew.”

“I think you have a human fetish and it makes you feel "tempted away" from your own stallion, Honeydew.”

“Hey, Twilight Sparkle, wouldn’t it be funny if you cast weird spells on Honeydew?”

“Hey there, Honeybee and Honeysuckle, would you like to elaborate further on how awful it is having Honeydew for a sister?”

“You’re horrible as Westboro Whatever Church, Honeydew!”

“I’m The Bonobo’s demonic ex-girlfriend; prepare to be snatched from your home and spirited away to my Nightmare-Land, Honeydew!”

“I used to think ponies were a superior race until I met YOU, Honeydew, but let me tell you something for your benefit!”

She’s breathing very heavily and noisily now.

HONEYDEW

We’ve been at this a long time now.   I certainly didn’t ASK to start up a correspondence with a bunch of humans!  It’s the last thing I wanted!  Nevertheless, from the moment you humans first insisted on contacting me, here, I’ve taken great pains to answer practically every one of your nasty little questions and respond to your spiteful little commentaries.  Dutifully, patiently and honestly.  Through you all, I have seen what the majority of humanity is like.

She takes an extra-deep breath.

HONEYDEW

You people validate all that I do.  All that I stand for.  Humans truly are diabolical creatures: vicious, twisted, perverse, and predatory.  Those who aren’t openly cruel and bullying are condescending and patronizing creatures; but all of them talk down at you.  Humans are cowards who gang up to target easy prey.  Prey like me.  Prey they see as weak.

Honeydew pulls out a bag from her closet and puts the cheerleader costume into it.  She leaves her room and starts down the stairs, opening the door to go outside.

DANIELH

What about a random human with no relation to the people who have been verbally abusing you?

Honeydew stops at her open door.  She turns around, with a sweet, regretful smile.

HONEYDEW

(softly)

I’d save YOU, Daniel.  You’re the one good eggplant in a field of nightshade, and it’s tragic you were born to such a loathsome species.  All the same, I’d march through fire for your sake.  If only YOU’D been the human who’d come to Equestria instead of… him… who knows?

DANIELH

There's also a followup question which I expect you'll be able to predict, even if you disagree that it's relevant. I won't ask that question explicitly, but could you please think about it?

She shuts the door behind her.

Round Twenty-Three: Don't Mess With Iron

Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Twenty-Three: Don't Mess With Iron

Spoilers Up To Chapter 31

Question 1: Warpd Asks:

Dear Luna:

How many times has the moon been used to keep Equestria safe?

PRINCESS LUNA

Whenever beasts from beyond threaten Equestria. But if you ask how often I've used it to protect Equestria from complete destruction or similar fates? Thrice.

Question 2: Warpd Asks:

Dear Discord,

What are your thoughts on those folks that Lero escaped from?

DISCORD

My thoughts?  Well, the ones at the top of the food chain… the Fae Lords… I almost could’ve BEEN one of those guys!  Between their total control over reality, their immortality, and the way they play with the mortals… if you’d’ve transferred me over to live in the Fae Realms a year ago, I’d’ve fit right in with their crowd like a raisin thrown into a bag of trail mix!

Then Discord folds his arms, sighing almost regretfully as he kicks an empty can on the floor.

DISCORD

Of course, it’s a different story nowadays, since my dear Element of Kindness friend went and reformed me…

Then he perks back up.

DISCORD

...But want to know something?  Funny little fact about the Fae.  None of you mortals would EVER want to face one in battle, any more than you’d want to face Slenderman or Superboy-Prime.  (You wouldn’t want to face one OUT of battle, either!)   Fae Lords are a mixed, motley, multitudinous bunch; each with their own quirks, gimmicks, and personal strengths and weaknesses.  But there are TWO common Kryptonites the Fae Lords ALL share.

A ream of blank paper appears in Discord’s hand.

DISCORD

The first happens if they go against their word.  If they break a solemn vow.  DOUBLY so if they’ve violated a written contract they’ve signed their name to.  TRIPLY so, if they used blood for ink.

(smiles at the readers)

Here’s how it works: let’s say I’m a Fae Lord…

And Discord transforms himself into an elfin humanoid, with a strong resemblance to how Elrond, (as portrayed by Hugo Weaving) looked in Peter Jackson’s film adaptations of J. R. R. Tolkien’s works.

With downright ludicrous speed, Fae Lord Discord pricks his thumb, draws up his ream of blank papers, and writes up a textbook of a contract in his own smudgy blood.

Then a Fae Lady, strongly resembling Galadriel, (as portrayed by Cate Blanchett,) with an openly bleeding thumb, comes over and smears her name next to Discord’s on the contract’s signature line.

They clasp hands lovingly.

“GALADRIEL”

Oh, my dear darling!  Now, you are contractually obligated to love and adore me more than anyone else, forever and ever more.

FAE LORD DISCORD

And I couldn’t be more happy about...

This is when a different Fae Lady, resembling Tauriel, (as played by Evangeline Lilly in the same Jackson adaption) walks past Galadriel and Discord… whose attention is instantly snagged.

Leering at ‘Tauriel,’ Discord pulls away from ‘Galadriel’ and lets out a wolf whistle worthy of Tex Avery.

FAE LORD DISCORD

Oooo-yeah!  Baby, you are one SMMMMOKING cut of tenderloin!

This is when the blood writing on the blood contract glows an angry bright red.  And Discord turns back to the readers.

FAE LORD DISCORD

Now, at this point, two things would befall an oath-breaking Fae.

Suddenly, Discord’s body goes FLYING at super-speed, exactly as though he’d been punched into the sky by a cartoon superhero.

FAE LORD DISCORD

First, forces beyond even the Fae Lords’ control cast the oath-breaker out of the Fae Realms.

And then Discord returns to the place he’d originally been standing… but as a frail, grey-haired old man, shuffling along with the aid of a walker.

OLD FAE LORD DISCORD

(weak, wizened voice)

Now, while it’s possible…

(wheeze)

...For an oath-breaking Fae Lord to return back to Fae Realms...

(geriatric cough)

They’re still screwed, because they’ve also lost their immortality.  Reduced to a mere mortal.

Then Old Fae Lord Discord has a heart attack and keels over and croaks.   Five seconds later, he turns back into his draconequus self.

DISCORD

The second Kryptonite is kind of an extension of the first.  You see…

And suddenly, he’s dressed like Mother Goose, sitting pleasantly in a rocking chair, and opening a storybook in his lap.

DISCORD

Once upon a time… there lived a very unwise and foolish Fae Lord who formed a contract with Iron.  Yes, iron, itself.  Good ol’ atomic number 26 on the periodic table.

(clears throat)

Now… what was this Fae Lord’s name?   What kind of arrangement had he and Iron made in their pact?  Sadly, these details were lost to history, long before any of your grandfathers’ grandfathers’ grandfathers’ grandfathers were frolicking little boys.  And though numerous attempts were made to get Iron to tell her side of the story, the whole thing’s still an enormous sore spot with her, so she absolutely refuses to be interviewed about it.

Discord turns to the next page of his storybook.

DISCORD

But what we DO know is this: whatever it was that the Fae Lord had agreed to do for Iron, he didn’t live up to his end of the bargain.   Now, if this had been, say, Aluminum…  well, we all know Aluminum would’ve been more ‘live-and-let-live’ about it.   But Iron was beyond furious.  For Iron, it wasn’t enough knowing that this Fae Lord had doomed himself to exile and a mortal’s death.  No, she declared that all iron, everywhere, would henceforth be an enemy of all Fae... and, to a lesser extent, those who bear their mark.

The Mother Goose outfit evaporates off Discord as he stands up, walking over to a refrigerator and opening it up.

DISCORD

So if you foresee a Fae fight further forward in your future, you’ll want to arm yourself with a weapon made of ‘cold iron.’  Like holy water to a vampire.

He pulls an iron battleaxe from the freezer, glistening with little icicles along its blade.

DISCORD

Oh, and in this case, ‘cold iron’ doesn’t actually mean ‘iron that is of a cold temperature’... although you can do that if you want.  A ‘cold iron’ weapon is one whose business end is smelted and crafted of pure, unadulterated iron.  Alloys… even iron alloys, such as steel… just trust me, you don’t want ‘em.

He swings his axe around a bit.

DISCORD

Now, why’d I go off on this ‘Fae Lord Kryptonite’ tangent?  Only to gloat about how I ain’t got either of those wimpy weaknesses!

Then he bites down on the cold iron battleaxe like it was a crunchy ice cream bar.

DISCORD

Iron and I are on good terms!  And I’ve gone against my word hundreds of times, and I’ve outlived (and WILL outlive) ALL those gullible saps!

He finishes eating the axe, licking his chops.

DISCORD

In summation:  “Draconequui rule and Fae Lords drool!”

Question 3: The Only One Who Cared (TOOWC) Asks:

Dear Discord:

This may not pertain to the story, but there is a widely accepted headcanon that says you are much more powerful than you seem on the show. Is this true?

A planet floats in outer space; the world of talking ponies.

Then Discord’s finger snaps, and the planet reshapes itself into a cube.  He snaps his finger again, and the world EXPLODES into atoms… only to UN-explode ten seconds later.  A third snap, and every inch of outer space transforms from an infinite black vacuum into an infinite video game arcade.

DISCORD

(while juggling planets)

Let’s just say that I’m often pulling my punches around everyone else.

Question 4: Ausbrony Asks:

Dear Discord,

Just for giggles and I'm feeling mean. What if you swapped sayyy... Lero and maybe Chrysalis?

In the master bedroom at Golden Oaks Library, a familiar human figure is sitting atop the bed, reading through a book on humor, as intently as any teacher preparing for a lesson.

LERO

(quietly reading book to himself)

Typically, people gravitate towards pleasure and shun pain. Hence, the pursuit of humor influences a great deal of our everyday decisions, including which magazines and books we read, what movies we watch, even who we decide to make friends with versus who we avoid…

Then Rarity comes into the master bedroom.  Incredibly, she reacts to the sight of Lero with open hostility.

RARITY

YOU!

She charges up her horn, ready for battle.

RARITY

What are you…?!

LERO

(holds up his hands in surrender)

Easy, Rarity!  It’s me!  It’s me!

In a flash, “Lero” transforms BACK into Chrysalis: former changeling queen.  Though she’s still a changeling, Chrysalis has been swapped into Lero’s life role, as evidenced by the set of Lero’s clothes she wears: jeans, shoes, socks, and even his University of Idaho shirt… re-tailored to fit her quasi-equine body.

RARITY

(exasperated)

Again!  AGAIN, you take this form!  This is the second time this WEEK, Chrysa!

CHRYSA

I-I’m sorry, Rarity!  I-It’s just…

Chrysa scuffs her hoof on the rug.

CHRYSA

Lately, for some reason, seeing me in that form really soothes Twilight’s nerves.

RARITY

Ergh!   I don’t know what’s gotten into our silly kitten, Chrysa!  This spell Celestia’s having her fix is clearly taking its toll on her!    I mean, of all the forms she could have you take, she wants to see you as King Bellerophon! The Changeling King!  I mean, after what he did at her brother’s wedding…!

CHRYSA

I’m still amazed how well King Bellerophon was able to pass himself off as Princess Cadence!

RARITY

I know.  And to think, only Twilight suspected something was amiss…

Chrysa turns a troubled look upon her own body, towards the part of her flank where a cutie mark would be on a pony.

CHRYSA

...Yet, there’s also been some weird part of me that insists that the form of King Bellerophon is actually best suited for me...

RARITY

(sharply)

Sounds to me like you’ve been letting that nag, Honeydew, fill your head with awful ideas about yourself!

CHRYSA

(surprised)

Honeydew!?  No, I haven’t even talked to her since...

Rarity sits next to Chrysa.

RARITY

Chrysa, darling, we’ve had this discussion so many times!  Just because you’re a changeling doesn’t make you a changeling.  When all’s said and done, you only have a surface resemblance to Equestrian changelings.  You’re from a completely different world, and…!

Then Chrysalis’ tummy gurgles quite loudly.

RARITY

What was that?

CHRYSA

(quickly)

Nothing!

RARITY

How long has it been since the last time you’ve eaten?

CHRYSA

Two minutes ago!  I fed off Lyra, I swear!

RARITY

(can smell the lie a mile away)

How long has it really been?

CHRYSA

(subdued)

I can hold off.

Rarity rolls her eyes.

RARITY

I swear, between your shyness about nudity and your shyness about eating, sometimes I just don’t know what I’m even going to do with you, Chrysalis Michaelides!  Love’s a renewable resource!  It’d be no different than picking the apples off the Apple family’s apple trees!

CHRYSA

(still subdued)

I don’t need to eat until later tonight.

Chrysa ties to look away from Rarity, but the unicorn’s telekinesis pulls the swapped changeling’s head back into eye contact.

RARITY

(patiently)

Chrysa, you’re a parasitic life form with unique dietary needs.  All of us -- me, Twilight, Lyra, and Rainbow -- accepted that about you when we became your loving herd-sisters! None of us have any issue about providing you the nourishment you need!

CHRYSA

I’ll wait until you’re asleep.  That way, it’ll be less… you know...

Rarity decides to change tactics, from scolder to seductress.

RARITY

(sensuously)

I’m hungry, Chrysa…

She kisses the side of Chrysalis’ neck.

RARITY

So hungry.

(nibbles her ear)

Starving for your love.  You wouldn’t turn me away when I’m feeling soooo empty for you, would you…?

CHRYSA

Oh, Rarity…

The swapped changeling turns and kisses Rarity on the lips, again and again, spurred by the full force of love for Rarity that had once been Lero’s… up until her recent swap with him.

RARITY

Aren’t you starved too?

Rarity's magic tugs at one of the white hoof-shaped sneakers Chrysa wears on her hind legs.  The swapped changeling lifts that leg up, letting Rarity remove the shoe and peel off her sock, then do the same to her other hind leg.

RARITY

Aren’t you soooo hungry for my love?

CHRYSA

I’m FAMISHED.

The weatherpony’s magic next unzips Chrysa’s jeans.

CHRYSA

Who… who would you like me to change into this time?  Daring Do?  Soarin’, maybe?  I’d really love to be Soarin’ for you...

RARITY

Mmmm… this time, I want you to be you own self.  Holes and all, my sweet princess.

CHRYSA

“Princess…?”

The eyes of the changeling gleam with some of the wicked darkness so characteristic of her royal unswapped self.

CHRYSA

(predatorily)

Little pony, you will address me as QUEEN!

Twenty minutes later…

Twilight teleports in the upper hallway, standing at the door leading into her bedroom.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(knocking on the door)

Hey, Chrysa, there’s…

CHRYSA

(from inside bedroom)

...THE MOTHER LODE!!!

RARITY

[Gasps and strangled noises]

CHRYSA

DELICIOUS!  SUCCULENT!  PUREST LOVE!  YES!  YES!   YUMMMMMY!!!

RARITY

[Hoarse gagging, ghastly croaks]

CHRYSA

OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!!

It’s almost like listening a talking shark giving running commentary while she was in the middle of chomping up some especially delicious scuba diver.

Tail tucked, ears flattened, Twilight Sparkle freezes up at the monstrous sounds and shivers like a leaf.

Then Chrysa throws open the door, licking her lips, aglow with joy.

CHRYSA

Best family EVER!

Chrysa kisses Twilight on the tip of her muzzle before ducking back inside the bedroom to put her clothes back on.  The changeling’s in such high spirits she’s completely oblivious to the horror on Twilight’s face.

CHRYSA

(while dressing)

You wouldn’t believe what a banquet Rarity just treated me to!  It was wonderful!  So now, what was it you were saying just a second ago?  When you knocked?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(stammering, quivering in dread)

Fluttershy… she’s… here… comedy lessons…

Chrysalis checks the wall clock.

CHRYSA

Oh!

After slipping her University of Idaho shirt back on, Chrysa exits the bedroom fully dressed and shuts the door.

CHRYSA

(bright and Lero-like)

I’ve got a good feeling about today, Twilight!  I know I’m going to make a breakthrough with Fluttershy!

Then Chrysalis’ fangs flash as she smiles the smile of a power-hungry conqueror.

CHRYSA

(fiendish and Chrysalis-like)

Every day, I inch further forward to absolute dominance over my enemy.  Every day, my total subjugation of the Swap is closer within my grasp!  And I shall gorge upon this victory as I have never gorged before!

Chrysa trots merrily down the stairs to begin her next comedy lesson with Fluttershy.   Still trembling, Twilight goes into the bedroom and helps Rarity to a stand.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

C… come on, Rarity.   Let’s go in the kitchen and I’ll pour you some tea.

Rarity is unblinking and lets Twilight steer her without protest.

RARITY

(a near-soulless monotone)

Tea… yes… whatever you desire... my queen…

Question 5: The Only One Who Cared (TOOWC) Asks:

Dear Lero,

I'm not saying you should stop, but since swapped Rarity is your old Rainbow, doesn't that mean swapped Rainbow is your old Fluttershy? Like I said, keep up the good work, but you may end up with another pony in your herd at the end of all this.

Sighing, Lero looks to see that he’s all alone in his room.

LERO

I suppose I just can’t keep avoiding this question forever.  It’s been asked too many different ways by too many different people.

He sits in a chair.

LERO

You’ve all been privy to that vision I experienced, where I got to speak directly to that part of Rainbow Dash’s soul that’s inside Rarity.  On that beach.

He struggles to come up with words.

LERO

And this… idea you’re postulating, I won’t pretend it hasn’t occurred to me, too.   It’s inarguable that with Rarity the Weathermare, that portion of Rainbow Dash within her psyche has been the ‘driving force,’ the ‘new life role,’ the ‘dominant soul.’    So it’s perfectly possible that in getting Rainbow The Caretaker to fall in love with me, I’ve effectively won the heart of Fluttershy. Under an assumed identity, as it were.

He gets out of his chair, and walks over to the display case where the Swapped Elements of Harmony are being kept, staring at them.

LERO

But assuming we’re able to get them all unswapped, I still have no idea how things are going to pan out afterwards.  Yes, it’s possible that I might find Fluttershy in love with me.  But it’s also EQUALLY possible that, once she’s fully herself again, she’ll look back upon everything “she” did as Rainbow the Caretaker with horror and shame.    And the same applies to Rarity.  Neither of them may ever want to speak to me again. That’s part of the reason why I’ve bent over backwards to be the best boyfriend to them both; so at the very least, they’ll both know I did everything within my power to make a horrible circumstance pleasant for them.

He folds his arms.

LERO

But let’s assume Unswapped Fluttershy DOES end up feeling love towards me.  In that case… I’ll have to consult my heart, and decide how I feel about her.   After all, Rarity The Weathermare is NOT the exact same pony as Rainbow The Weathermare.  So it just stands to reason that Fluttershy the Caretaker won’t be the exact same mare as Rainbow The Caretaker.

Question 6: Warpd Asks:

Dear Rainbow Dash:

You gonna be okay? Lero taking care of Angel and it seemed to hit you hard.

RAINBOW DASH

It’s hard to put into words.

(pause)

Those animals of mine that were following Angel’s marching orders… some of them I’d saved from predators.  Some of them I saved from abusive owners.  Some of them I even helped bring into the world as a midwife.  Then, all of a sudden, I lost my stride… or whatever it was that’d happened to me… and then they all turned on me.  They all sided with Angel.

She walks downstairs.

RAINBOW DASH

For a while, after Lero first started coming over, it almost seemed like he was suddenly the only friend I had left.  And… ANYPONY could see why he and Rarity fell for each other.  HE was loyal, HE was there for me every day.

She heads through the all-new wooden throughway connecting her cottage to the library, without needing to go outside.

RAINBOW DASH

At a certain point, I got to thinking that my Element was WAY less important than Loyalty.   Didn’t matter HOW kind you were to little traitors, they’d show you no mercy.  All they respect is power.  So I made myself powerful.

Her wingtip plays with the whistle around her neck.

RAINBOW DASH

So when I saw Lero getting all cuddly with Angel… I was scared.  I felt betrayed.  The first thought that popped in my head was: ‘Angel turned Lero against me.  Just like all my animals.  I can’t trust ANYONE.’  Then, of course, Lero said all that stuff about Discord and me and… and he’s right.

She’s come into her old place, her old cottage.

RAINBOW DASH

It’s so frustrating, though!  These days, I keep feeling like I’ve lost sight of who I really am!

(sighs)

Two things I know for sure, though.   One: I want to always keep being strong.  Two: True Kindness ISN’T something a wimp can pull off, any more than True Loyalty is.  Lero reminded me of that.

She spots Angel peeking at her behind a corner.  Slowly, un-threateningly, she drops over to her haunches and quietly beckons him over.

Rainbow Dash waits for Angel to hop over.  She’s not smiling at him.  But they slowly share a hug.

Question 7: The Only One Who Cared (TOOWC) Asks:

Dear Discord,

What type of music do you like?

DISCORD

My tastes in music tend to shift without much rhyme or reason.  One day, it’s hard rock, then the next day, bluegrass.  Then the day after that, it could be reggae, after that, the entire oeuvre of Irving Berlin… and an hour from there, I’m all about the avant-garde freakbeat grindcore death industrial barn dance.  A fortnight later, I’m grooving to the beat of that melodious screeching made after a train conductor hits the brakes.  Currently, I’m listening to Among The Sleep: The Raptastic Musical.  After that, well, there’s this parallel universe where Gus Wainwright, Galen McCaffrey and Michael Durrant have all formed a garage band called the Weeble Jeeble and the Craig McCrackens.  And I’ve got their first album!  It’s still in the shrink wrap!

Question 8: FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Twilight,

What was the most ridiculous human sighting you've investigated?

MR. I. M. TRUSTWORTHY

Right this way, right this way!  Here’s where the human is!

SPIKE

(flatly)

Uh huh.  Sure.

Lero and his herdmates are all of a surly temperament as the let the old stallion, Mr. Trustworthy, lead them inside a cave.  Behind them stretches a long, hilly, difficult-to-cross forest terrain.  Getting here has been a long, tiring ordeal for them.

And this isn't the first time they've danced this scam of a dance.

Inside the cave, there sits… an Earth Pony mare, dressed completely in a full set of clothes.  Before Lero can think to say anything, the mare gallops over and throws her forelegs around Lero, and gives him a motherly hug.

LERO

What the…!

LYRA

Hooves off him, lady!

With telekinesis, Lyra pulls the strange mare off of Lero, who turns to I. M. Trustworthy.

LERO

(wearily)

Okay, so, just… where’s this ‘human’ supposed to be?

Mr. Trustworthy points at the mare.

MR. I. M. TRUSTWORTHY

Right there, sonny!  That’s your human!

“LERO’S MOM”

Lero?  Oh, Lero, my sweet little colt!   It’s me, your mother!

LERO

(too disgusted to think up a retort)

My… mother?

“LERO’S MOM”

Yes!  Oh, I know how confused you must be, with me looking like a pony, but I swear it’s me!  I remember a strange magical portal suddenly appearing in my bedroom, and -- you know me -- I just had to trot through it!  Alas, the portal closed behind me after I crossed over, so I’m sorry, but we can’t return home to Humania.

LERO

Humania.

“LERO’S MOM”

For the next several days, I made my home in this cave while this kind stallion…

She smiles at Mr. Trustworthy.

“LERO’S MOM”

Helped me out in so many ways.  But, I swear, the portal must’ve had some kind of bizarre effect on my body, for I was slowly transforming from a human into the mare, day after day!

MR. I. M. TRUSTWORTHY

She definitely WAS as human as you are on the first day I found her!  Definitely, definitely!

"LERO'S MOM"

But I must say, I rather prefer BEING a mare to being a sheman, so there’s no need to try and change me back…

She smiles at Twilight Sparkle.

“LERO’S MOM”

...And… oh, Lero, my precious little colt, it’s WONDERFUL to see you again after all this time!

She hugs Lero again and even kisses him.  I. M. Trustworthy sheds a crocodile tear.

MR. I. M. TRUSTWORTHY

Mother and son, reunited after so long!

("emotionally moved sniffling")

Doesn’t it just get you right in the heart?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(sickened by it all)

Oh yes.  Right in the heart.

“LERO’S MOM”

So, son-of-mine, when can you take your dear sweet Mumsy to see Princess Celestia?  I've always wanted to meet her!

Question 9: Felyon Says:

Dear Spikette,

You are a true man, remaining in your bend form in honor of your lady.

FEMALE SPIKE

It’s Spike!  SPIKE!  Not ‘Spikette!’  Not ‘Barb’ or ‘Spines!’   Lyra didn’t go change her name to ‘Guyra!’  Lero didn’t become ‘Lerette’ or ‘Lerina!’  My name is…!

LERO THE MARE

SPIKE!  Spike!  Not so fast, please!

FEMALE SPIKE

Ah!  Sorry, Lero!

We’ve gone back to a point in time in the Jeremyverse where Lero was a mare, seven months pregnant with her first three foals.

Needing to catch her breath, Lero sits herself on a street bench.  Spike runs back by her side.

LERO THE MARE

(out of breath)

I’m not… the speed demon… I used to be…

Spike pats her side sympathetically.  Then she turns to the readers.

FEMALE SPIKE

Sorry for exploding earlier.  It’s just… if I had a bit for every time somepony’s called me one of those names…

(sighs)

At this point, there’s no guy I respect more than Lero.  Because there’s NOTHING he wouldn’t do for his family.

LERO THE MARE

(touched)

Awwww…

FEMALE SPIKE

Part of this whole ‘solidarity’ thing is that I really wanted to show I can make huge sacrifices just like him.

Lero smiles as Spike sits next to her on the bench, but the little dragon suddenly looking somewhat bummed.

FEMALE SPIKE

Yet… well, out of all of us, Lero’s REALLY gone through the LARGEST transformation of all!  Not ONLY is he female, now… not ONLY is he a different species, not only is he four-legged instead of two-legged… he’s also pregnant with three foals.  THAT’S taking one for the team.

Spike motions downward at herself.

FEMALE SPIKE

Compared to that, my own transformation’s practically just a cosmetic change.  I kinda wish I could do even more, though, help shoulder more of the burden…

DIAMOND TIARA

It’s okay, Spikette!  When I grow up, you can be pregnant and have my foals for me!

Red with embarrassment, Spike jolts to see Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon… who had been eavesdropping… snickering as they trot away.

FEMALE SPIKE

Then again, the way everypony else’s been treating me is probably enough of a ‘transformation.’

Lero pats Spike on the back.

LERO THE MARE

You’re bigger than her.  I’d rather have ten Spikes than one Diamond Tiara.

Question 10: Moving Target Asks:

Dear Maud,

What was it like growing up with someone as outgoing and expressive as Fluttershy?

Maud Pie gives one of her very rare and very slight smiles.

MAUD

Having Fluttershy as my sister has always made me very happy and was fun.  Playing games with her was fun.  Poetry with her was fun.  Fun with her was fun.  Without Fluttershy, I think I might have grown up to be a dull and joyless being.

MOVING TARGET

Did it ever get a bit overwhelming at times, or was it a good complement to your more reserved nature?

Maud’s face retracts back into its usual deadpan.

MAUD

I don’t get overwhelmed.  That includes Fluttershy.

Spotting a stone on the ground, Maud stoops to inspect it.

MAUD

Volcanic.

Question 10: DanielH Asks:

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

I already asked you if you have any plans to try the cure you saw in your dream (although I don't know if you got that question yet). Do you have plans to try any of the other things you saw in that dream, like channeling unicorn-type magic through pegasus wings?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well, two things.  First, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but in that dream you’ve referring to, the six of us seemed to already be in equilibrium.  If you’ll recall that regrettable incident where Discord got the six of us discorded… our attempts at firing the Rainbow Of Light was a no-go.  That clearly proved we Element Bearers need to have a certain amount of levelheadedness just to activate our Elements… and right now, two of my friends are still emotionally out-of-sorts.

She takes a drink of water.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Second, well… confused as my friends otherwise are, they’re all adult enough to understand that the Elements of Harmony aren’t toys.  I couldn’t just go, “Hey, girls!  Tonight, let’s shoot them into the sky like fireworks, just for kicks!"  You need to mean it, with the Elements.  And frankly, enlisting Discord to, ah… ‘play the villain,’ as he did in that dream leaves me leery at best.  It might be too big a temptation for him to relapse into his bad old ways for real.

She refills her glass.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

As for channeling unicorn-type magic through pegasus wings… I definitely DO mean to look into it, later on!  If I can find a way to pull it off… if unicorn-style magical abilities have always lain dormant within our winged sisters and brothers… who KNOWS how much the pegasus race could contribute to the field of magic, once those abilities are unlocked?

(regretful sigh)

Sadly, those pegasi will have to wait until AFTER I find a cure to the Swap.  First things first!

Question 12: Warpd Asks:

Dear Twilight,

What do your dreams look like?

Lero, Twilight, Lyra, Rainbow Dash, and Spike are at a racetrack, up in the bleachers, cheering.

HERD BELLEROPHON

(ad-lib)

Come on!  You can do it!  You can do it!

Hooves thunder, kicking up dust as the racers cross the finish line.  But there is no question who won, and Herd Bellerophon is especially ecstatic.

Lero turns to Rainbow Dash.

LERO

Ain’t this the best?!

RAINBOW DASH

Eeeeeyup.

It must be noted, here, that the Half-Apple Mark now on Dash’s flank had originally belonged to Big Macintosh.

Rainbow Dash kisses Lero deeply.

RAINBOW DASH

Love yew.

SPIKE

C’mon!  Let’s go congratulate the winner!

As a group, Herd Bellerophon comes up to where a big gold medal is being placed around the neck of a certain red stallion, who pumps an arm in victory.

BIG MACINTOSH

(exultant, doing a victory dance)

Oh YEAH!  The Big Red freight train rockets straight through another finish line!  Yahoo!  Call me Mr. Supersonic, cuz Ah'm an unstoppable force of nature!

Three guesses as to whose Rainbow-Thunderbolt Mark our friend Big Mac now wears.  Herd Bellerophon… HIS herd…. trot up to him.

BIG MACINTOSH

Howdy, girls!

LYRA

Well done, Macintosh!  No contest!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

That was so thrilling to watch!

Big Macintosh kisses Lyra.  He kisses Twilight Sparkle.  Then gives her a roguish wink which has her blushing.  Then the Swapped stallion grins at Lero and treats him to a big brotherly bear hug; both of them thumping each other heartily on the back.

LERO

Awesome job, 'big brother.'

BIG MACINTOSH

(grinning)

You know it!

SPIKE

You rock, Big Mac!

Spike also hugs Mac around the bottom of his legs, and the swapped stallion gives his youngest herd-brother an affectionate noogie.

Then Big Mac and Dash face each other.

BIG MACINTOSH

So, new girl, in yer own words, what’d yew think of mah race?

Rainbow Dash hugs the red stallion robustly and gives him a BIG impressive kiss.

BIG MACINTOSH

Whoa.

(to Lero)

Ah should never have doubted yew, little brother.  Yew really do know how ta pick ‘em!

Big Mac thumps Lero proudly on the back again.

BIG MACINTOSH

Feels like only yesterday that yew were this big ball of shy 'n' monogamous uncertainty…. and Ah jest had ta take yew under mah wing.  Now look at yew!

LERO

Well, I learned from the best!

The others laugh, (even Rainbow Dash!) All except for Twilight.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(small voice)

Wow… I'm actually a little jealous…

She didn't mean for anyone to actually overhear her, but Big Mac did.

He sweeps her into another mind-melting kiss.

BIG MACINTOSH

Don't yew EVER think yer Element of Loyalty's gonna forget his Element of Magic.  Besides, RD's family now.  Yew ain't got nothing ta be jealous of, Twi.  Specially not with our little bun in the oven.

The stallion bends his head, nuzzling Twilight's pregnant stomach.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Oh, Mac… I'm so glad you're the father…

BIG MACINTOSH

Ah'm only sorry it took this long for mah seed ta finally, finally bear fruit.

Twilight, Lyra, Lero, and Spike all flit a quick look between Big Mac's Rainbow Mark and the pegasus mare it had originally belonged to.

BIG MACINTOSH

Ah've never been so happy ta be a stallion, Twi!  Ah'm so glad yer the mother.

SPIKE

And I'm gonna be the big brother, right?

BIG MACINTOSH

(laughing)

That's right!  And Lyra's gonna be herd-mother, and so's RD, and Lero's…

Rainbow Dash nudges Big Macintosh impatiently, butting the side of his barrel with her head.

BIG MACINTOSH

OOOF!  Alright, alright, Ah hear ya loud 'n' clear.  Lettin' may mouth run faster than may legs again, aren't Ah, RD?

RAINBOW DASH

Eeeeyup.

BIG MACINTOSH

Just be careful.  Ah don't think yah know yer own strength!

It should be noted that, for some inexplicable reason, this version of Swapped Dash, with the Half-Apple Mark, gives off this  inexplicable-yet-compelling 'vibe' of being FAR taller, broader, and stronger than she actually is physically.  And yes, she also has been wearing Mac's old yoke around her neck this whole time.

BIG MACINTOSH

Now, gang, whaddaya say we head on home?

Now we're in the bedroom at Golden Oaks' Library, late at night, listening to Twilight Sparkle sleep-talking.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Best… Swap… ever...

Round Twenty-Four: The Importance Of Combat Quips

Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Twenty-Four: The Importance Of Combat Quips

Spoilers Up To Chapter 32

Question 1: FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Honeydew,

You've put the world at risk, you've consorted with murderers, you've sacrificed any goodwill or dignity you might have had to your name... all for this, and only this. Was it worth it?

HONEYDEW

To save the ponies of… no, not JUST the ponies, ALL the peoples of Equestria… from the menace of humankind, I am prepared to sacrifice everything, though I may be hated and reviled for it by those mind-controlled sheep!  I may not be the hero that Equestria wants, but I am the hero that it needs, and I will wage my war against the ape demon until only one of us is standing!

Question 2: FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Exit Wound,

Going after the husband of Celestia's pseudo-daughter? Wow. Gutsy.

EXIT WOUND

(arrogant, flattered grin)

Playing et safe is for fecking junior leaguers!  Oi’m making a name fer meself: show ‘em all that Exit Wound’s a mare who can handle hoigh-profoile assassinations!

FAN OF MOST EVERYTHING

Just how well did Honeydew pay you?

EXIT WOUND

PAY me?!

She chuckles.

EXIT WOUND

Lemme fecking tell yeh something… a streetsoide fruit peddler loike Dewy could never cough up teh moolah ta hoire a major league killer loike meself.  (And, strictly speaking, she didn’t ‘pay’ me with sex favors, neither!)  Ta put it in terms of a fecking private dick novel: ‘Oi took an interest in teh poor girl’s case.’

FAN OF MOST EVERYTHING

Or did she neglect to mention that little detail?

EXIT WOUND

What, did yeh think Oi didn’t know jack about Equestria’s first fecking space alien before Dewy came inta me loife?  Think Oi never picked up a fecking newspaper or nothing?

Exit Wound puts her arm around Honeydew.

EXIT WOUND

Oi don’t think there’s any fecking detail Honeydew’s neglected ta mention about Mr. Lero Moichealoides.  He’s her all-toime favorite conversation topic.

Question 3: Warpd Asks:

Dear Twilight:

An odd dream to have considering you had said a long time ago about Big Mac being too big for normal mares to enjoy.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Y… you SAW that dream of mine?!  I can’t believe it!  I’m so mortified!

She’s standing inside her house.  Lero is seated in the room where the Swapped-up Elements of Harmony are being kept; just reading a book.  Twilight looks over to both of them from where she stands.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

...But, well… between one thing and another, I’m not exactly what you’d call a ‘normal mare,’ whichever way you slice it.

WARPD

So you do want foals?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

...I do.  I mean, I’m still trying to find a way for Lero to be a direct father… but I’d also love it if we could find a stallion for our herd that would be as perfect a fit for Lero as myself and all the other girls in our herd.  A stallion that’d never make Lero feel sidelined or upstaged, either unintentionally or deliberately.  If the real Swap had taken the route it did in that dream of mine… you wouldn’t hear me complain all that loudly.

She grins.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

...Red’s such a GREAT color on a stallion…

Question 4: Felyon Says:

Dear Female Spike,

First off: You're the greatest! *Felyon squeals like a fan-filly* Such devotion, yet what a troubled heart. Please accept all my hugs and my recipe for catalyst fluid.

FEMALE SPIKE

Aw, thanks!

She hugs Felyon back, very heartily.

FELYON

While I use it for bombs, my boyfriend who is a half-dragon assures me they are delicious--I've taken to using several more minerals and acids for flavor and he swears they make his scales shine.

FEMALE SPIKE

(her body sparkles with shininess)

Your boyfriend’s right!  I’ve never had one of these work so fast!  Think I’m gonna brew me up another batch!

FELYON

Second, not to sound derisive but can ponies even tell the difference between a male and female dragon with the whole...genital sheath thing?

Spike’s drinking another bottle of Felyon’s special catalyst fluid, while standing by Lero the Mare.  She lowers the bottle down from her mouth.

FEMALE SPIKE

Well, uh, yeah.  For one thing, my neighbors have all noticed how my voice has suddenly gotten more higher-pitched than it used to be.  And also, girls… give off a girly smelling smell.

LERO THE MARE

When you put it like THAT, Spike, you make it sound like you’re in h…

FEMALE SPIKE

You KNOW I don’t mean it like THAT!  It’s perfectly natural; in the same way girls can look girly and sound girly, they naturally smell girly.

LERO THE MARE

You’re right.  I guess I’m just thinking like a human.

FEMALE SPIKE

Man, human noses really MUST be weak, if a mare needs to get all-the-way ‘hot and bothered’ before she starts smelling girly to you!

LERO THE MARE

You’re not wrong, Spike.

Lero takes a deep breath through her nose.

LERO THE MARE

If noses were eyes… you could say my new pony nose has 20/20 ‘vision.’  My old human nose was more like 8/20.

FELYON

On a side, that's so much better than that dangling mammal solution for this particular problem. They think they're so highly advanced just because they can sweat and produce internal heat and leak milk from their mammary glands while you can actually breathe magical fire!

FEMALE SPIKE

Heck, yeah!

She playfully shoots a jet of it in the air.

RARITY THE STALLION

Careful, Spike, dear!

FEMALE SPIKE

(to Felyon)

Plus, I can take a bath in lava, and it soothes me!  Let’s see a mammal do that!

FELYON

You and me, sister! Gal-hoof!

FEMALE SPIKE

Yeah!

They gal-hoof.

And then Felyon keeps working on her Polymorph-into-Dragon mutagen.

FEMALE SPIKE

Good luck with that mutagen!  I'd love to show you what a sapphire shortcake tastes like!

Then there’s a knock on the door.

FEMALE SPIKE

Huh?  Oh, he’s here!

She opens the front door.

FEMALE SPIKE

Hi, Button Mash!

BUTTON MASH

Hey, Spike!

Spike turns to the readers.

FEMALE SPIKE

Oh!  Button Mash, here is my number one best-pony-friend-my-own-age!

BUTTON MASH

Yo!  ‘Sup, humans?

FEMALE SPIKE

I know Button’s barely gotten any screen time in that story of ours you’ve been following…

BUTTON MASH

(whisper)

Yeah, I’ve been meaning to ask if there’s any way we could up my ‘screen time’ in the main story…

FEMALE SPIKE

(whispers back)

We’ll talk later!

They both go over and sit down in front of a console video game, starting it up.

FEMALE SPIKE

(to readers)

But one thing that’s really awesome about him as a friend is that he doesn’t treat me any differently than he did when I was a boy-dragon!

BUTTON MASH

It hasn’t changed how Spike plays video games one bit.  And really, isn’t that what really matters most in this crazy, crazy, roller coaster ride we call life?

FEMALE SPIKE

(awed)

Dude… deep.

Button nods.  They continue playing.

BUTTON MASH

Besides, I’ll admit you’re not too bad-looking as a girl, but I’m the kind of pony who only loves other ponies.

FEMALE SPIKE

Somehow, my lovelorn heart will find a way to go on… OOH!

She points towards the video game they’re playing.

FEMALE SPIKE

Bomb the bridge!  Bomb the bridge!

Button Mash bombs the bridge.

BUTTON MASH & FEMALE SPIKE

YES!

They hoof-bump.

Question 5: Super Big Mac Requests:

Dear Fluttershy,

I want you to do me a favor, and I promise I'll pay you back for it if you really need me to. I want you to throw a party for Honeydew, her sisters, her friends, and her herd. Don't talk about Lero, don't mention Lero, don't think about Lero. If she speaks of him, then ignore it. I want you to do everything you can to make her happy; she needs a bit of happiness in her life. Maybe get Applejack or Pinkie to help you. Applejack's talent is design, right? Decorating for a party can't be too hard, and I'm sure Pinkie has some good apple-based recipes or something, and could maybe even make a nice apple-watermelon punch, or something. If you know what she likes to eat etc, then make those! I feel sad... not sorry for her, really, because that would imply I think I'm better than her, but I feel sad that she's sad, and would like to see her smile smile smile. :yay:

Fluttershy looks behind her regretfully at a partially-finished party room, then faces forward again with an unhappy expression.

FLUTTERSHY

I… I tried getting started, Mr. Super Big Mac, sir.  Really, I did.  Set out the tables, got all the cake ingredients lined up… but then I went to go visit Honeydew’s house… Honeydew was nowhere to be seen!  I looked everywhere, and she’s nowhere in Ponyville at all!  Nopony knows where she’s gone, either!

She sits down at a table lined with festive paper party hats.

FLUTTERSHY

To tell you the truth, I’m… I’m worried about Honeydew!  Things have NOT been going good for her at all, lately!  Her moods have been really weird and worse than ever these past few weeks!  It makes me feel something really terrible’s about to happen!  I hope it’s not too late for me to make everything alright with her.  Oh, where can she be?!

Question 6: Draziw Asks:

Dear Twilight,

Do you believe cutie marks are a manifestation of a pony's destiny or a representation of a pony's driving interest?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

My personal belief is that the former stems from the latter, that a pony’s driving interest plays a large part in determining her destiny.  Here’s an example: if swimming is my passion, then I am destined to get wet.  If garbage collecting is my passion, I am destined to get stinky.

She smiles.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

I believe that cutie marks play into both.

DRAZIW

If a cutie mark is linked to destiny, would that mean a pony's destiny is undetermined until his or her cutie mark finally appears? Or is it set at birth and later revealed through the cutie mark?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

It can be tempting to believe that one’s life is ‘set at birth,’ but I don’t.  I think back to some of those alternate universes which I saw in my dreams.  Like me, those other Twilight Sparkles were born as unicorns with a phenomenal level of magic power.  But one became a farmer.  One became Captain of the Wonderbolts.  And I became the Element of Magic.

She smiles.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

So it’s not so much who you were born, as how you decide to use the abilities you were given at birth.  As well as your overall attitude, and how you react to things.  And birth is too early for anything like that.

DRAZIW

If a cutie mark's meaning has to be interpreted, does that mean a single cutie mark can have multiple meanings?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

It can.  Depends on the pony.

DRAZIW

How does The Swap know which meaning to use as a compulsion for the affected pony? How does The Swap even know how to interpret the cutie mark in the first place?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(laughs a little)

You don’t wanna know HOW close I almost came to saying, ‘You should go ask the Swap.’

She sits herself on the couch.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Let’s see… I think The Swap first considers what’s possible on a PHYSICAL scale.  Take Rarity, as she is now.  The old Rainbow Dash… her biggest ambition was to become a Wonderbolt.  But unicorns can’t be Wonderbolts, any more than they can live underwater.  So the Swap settled on having Rarity refocus on weather.   From there… um… it interprets the cutie mark like… like a… what’s it called… like a caricature!  Yes!  Let’s say you have a nose that’s slightly larger-than-average.  Sit in front of a caricaturist, and she’ll make that nose your entire face.  Whatever’s most conspicuous about you as a person; it’ll take it and exaggerate it further.   That’s how the Swap would interpret your personality traits, and pass them onto another.

Question 7: Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Discord,

And who saved Lero from the cat and the fiddle the dog who liked to diddle?

Discord is riding atop a cow, eating sprockets off a dish with a spoon, when he looks over at the readers, raising his chin.

DISCORD

How curious that you should be asking me this question!  Why, it almost sounds like…

He shuts his eyes… then when he reopens them, they’re a striking shade of blue.

DISCORD

...Chreideann tú go bhfuil mé an ceann a mharaigh Scrounger!

The draconequus blinks again, and his eyes return to their familiar yellowish color.

DISCORD

Yes, I was there.  Yes, I saw what was happening.  And yes, it absolutely burned my guts, seeing that freak drag my buddy down into that hole, knowing what he intended to do.  On top of that, not only am I omnipotently powerful, I’m just flat-out WEIRD enough to have offed that wormy disease factory in the way he was offed.  Heh heh… I’d think so much less of you if you DIDN’T suspect me of being Scrounger’s killer!

From on his cow, Discord bows.

DISCORD

But WAS it me whodunit?  Well, all I got to say to that is this...

(eyes turn blue again)

...Bain triail as ag dul anseo.

Discord throws his empty plate away as the cow he’s riding takes a giant leap over the moon.  Then the spoon and the dish get up and abscond from the premises together.

Question 8: Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Lyra,

Is coming up with awesome one-liners part of becoming a grandmaster?

LYRA

You bet those pretty little fingers of yours it is!  Just for comparison, let’s see what would’ve happened to me if I’d been lax with my one-liners.  Discord, if you would?

Discord, who is standing right behind Lyra snaps his fingers.

Lyra and Discord are transported to a different dimension -- an alternate universe where things happened ever-so-slightly differently at the Boulder & Daughters Quarry Mill.  The two of them watch, unseen and undetected by the natives of this alternate universe, as events play out.

Twilight Sparkle is brought before Exit Wound, a horn wrap on her horn, flanked on either side by Exit Wound’s goons.  Exit greets her.

EXIT WOUND

Welcome ta teh fecking party, Miss Magic!  Here’s where all teh big nobs hang out!

Exit Wound drinks some whiskey while Twilight just looks around the room, and at Rarity and Lero, as though taking careful consideration of her surroundings.

EXIT WOUND

Well?  Whaddaya got ta say fer yerself?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Shigeru Miyamoto!

And the Lyra Heartstrings of the alternate universe springs out from Twilight’s mane, growing to full size.  She lands a perfect flying kick to the face to one of the mares flanking Twilight.  Kicking off, she swept around in the air in a spinning kick, striking the other mare in the back of the head with incredible force, and she collapsed under the force.

Even before she hits the ground, her horn ignites with light, and in a fraction of a second, brightened its illumination to an unbearable luminosity.  All the goons are blinded, jerking back instinctively away from the brightness, giving Lyra the opening she needs.

When her hooves touch the ground, she launched herself at the skewbald unicorn mare, striking her simply and solidly on her snout with her hoof, as she summoned her telekinesis to life.

EXIT WOUND

W… which fecking Bearer are yeh, then?  What’re yeh the Element of?

ALTERNATE LYRA WHO NEVER MASTERED ONE-LINERS

Me?  Um, well, I’m really not the Element of anything.  Elements are jewels; they’re not living ponies.  Oh, wait, sorry, you asked which Element Bearer am I, in which case, I still can’t honestly lay claim to that either.  I am a musician, a Still Way grandmaster, and an auxiliary member of the Royal Guard.

EXIT WOUND

How very fecking interesting.  But as long as yeh very definitely ain’t an Element Bearer, that means yer expendable and Oi can get away with ending yer loife.

She nods at her unicorns and they all open fire on the Alternate Lyra, shooting her dead.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(crying her eyes out)

Lyra!  Lyra… no… why weren’t you more glib with your words?  Why?

The living Lyra, beside Discord, winces before turning towards the readers.

LYRA

And that's the reason Combat Quips are mandatory lessons for everypony intending to be a martial arts grandmaster.

Question 9: Felyon Asks:

Dear Spike,

What happens if you choke and burn your tongue? Did you ever send yourself somewhere?

Spike shakes his head with a smile.

SPIKE

I’m immune to my own fire, especially inside my mouth.  Much in the same way our stomachs are immune to our own stomach acid.  And I’m so very grateful for that.  Could you imagine how gross and horrible it’d be if I sent my tongue to Princess Celesita?!

He shudders in revulsion.

Question 10: [iSuper Big Mac Quotes:

You people validate all that I do.  All that I stand for.  Humans truly are diabolical creatures: vicious, twisted, perverse, and predatory.  Those who aren’t openly cruel and bullying are condescending and patronizing creatures; but all of them talk down at you.  Humans are cowards who gang up to target easy prey.  Prey like me.  Prey they see as weak.

SUPER BIG MAC

Dear Honeydew,

In response to the above quote, I laugh. I'm sorry, but I couldn't help but laugh.

HONEYDEW

(bitterly, to herself)

They all laugh at me, everyone laughs at me...

SUPER BIG MAC

All you are saying is "since you actively disagree with my speciesism, it makes me right!" That's what it's come down to. I'm truly sorry if you think that way, because I've already out-logic'd a good number of so-called feminists who used the whole "You're being mean and using your logic, which just proves that my ideologies are correct!" line all the time. If disagreeing with an ideology made it correct, then that would mean the Nazis were correct.  Do you know what they did, Dewy?

HONEYDEW

Can’t say I’m familiar with Nazis.

SUPER BIG MAC

They killed roughly eleven million people in an event called "The Holocaust."

HONEYDEW

And by ‘people,’ you mean ‘humans,’ correct?

(smiles darkly)

Human dispensing of other humans, on such a massive scale, the thought is just…

SUPER BIG MAC

The reason for all the death? Because they weren't Aryan; they didn't have white skin,  blonde hair, and blue eyes. And if one of those that were killed did have those three, then it was because they were either a Hebrew, a Gypsy, or because they were different or imperfect in some other way.  The kicker? Hitler, the man that started all that murder, had dark hair, and brown eyes. He got a country to start killing for a bullshit reason just so it could kill and not be idle.

HONEYDEW

Ha ha ha ha ha!!!  Dumb monkeys!

SUPER BIG MAC

It would be like if a pegasus one day said to all other pegasi that horn-heads and mud-walkers were inferior, and should therefore be killed. Also, you could only worship Nightmare Moon, or you'd be killed. You could also only have a weather-making cutie mark, or you'd be killed. If your mane wasn't a certain color, you'd be killed. And then tack on more and more reasons for ponies to be killed, even if the one who started it all didn't fit the bill, and you have the same scenario.

HONEYDEW

To think that humans that evil and stupid exist… all the more reason we should expunge them from our world.

SUPER BIG MAC

Sure, the Holocaust and your absurd hate of a single human are on completely different levels of silly and downright evil, but really, if you kill him, it would still be genocide.

Honeydew considers this in silence.

SUPER BIG MAC

Think about that, Honeydew. I think you could be a wonderful friend. You don't have to agree with his mating with ponies. You don't have to like the fact that he shares the same planet as you. All we really want is a little tolerance, a little less hate, and then the hate you yourself feel from us will disappear. Maybe not all at once, but... please, Dewy. (Mac bows forward on his knees, his forehead touching the ground, exposing the back of his neck) I'm begging you to just stop this circle of hate. It's so very, very stupid, and... I promise, no matter what you do or say, I'll leave you alone from now on. I may ask a question of your sisters, but I won't use them as a means to get at you, or anything. From now on, I'll stop the rude questions. Please, please consider my request. (Mac picks himself up off the floor, pushing himself up to a standing position) I'm going now. Hope we can reach an agreement, here if nowhere else. Vivez bien, l'amour longue, connaîtrez le bonheur, or more famously, Find love, happiness, and live long and prosper.

At last, Honeydew answers.

HONEYDEW

Our world was perfect before he came.  It will go back to being perfect again once he’s gone.

Question 11: The Only One Who Cared States:

For Honeydew:

I really don't know how to feel about you. I don't hate on you, and seeing how others make you feel actually makes me feel bad for you quite a lot. But, at the same time, I feel that your hate for Lero is misguided. I know you'll reject this suggestion, and then question the suggestion because of the beforehand knowledge, but could you just spend an hour talking to Lero? Maybe not even that, maybe just 30 minutes, whatever. But please, I'm begging you, at least get to know who you hate, so as to hate them better, if nothing else. I'm not asking you to not hate him, but if you were to have said conversation with Lero, at least be civil, so as to get answers to your own questions. Dirty, filthy bonobos we may be, but we all have stories to tell...

Honeydew is inside the quarry mill, coming out of the locker room where she’s just finished brawling with Rainbow Dash, disheveled and bloody.

HONEYDEW

Honestly, I have tried talking to the bonobo multiple times in the past, especially when we met in the marketplace.  It always ended in either name-calling, him hurrying away, or violence.  In a way, everything I’m going through right now is just an extension of all that.

Round Twenty-Five: Many Questions From Kichi

Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Twenty-Five: Many Questions From Kichi

Spoilers Up To Chapter 34

Question 1: Kichi Asks:

Dear Discord:

As a God of Chaos… do you have red blood or your blood is different? Maybe your blood is strawberry jam, or maybe you don’t even need blood inside you.

DISCORD

Hmmm, let’s see- how many avatars or primal forces do you know?  Do you know how their biology works?  Think about it, kiddo; I’m pretty much made out of pure chaos and magic... not to mention style.   But as a God of Chaos, I don’t require blood to live; and for the most part, I get along quite nicely without it.

Discord pokes several holes in himself with a claw.

DISCORD

That said, there’s nothing I can’t do if I want.  I can bleed green, blue, chocolate-vanilla swirl, polka dots, creepy spiders, rubber ducks, Gak…

As he speaks, each hole spouts the mentioned colors, substances and objects.

DISCORD

The times I do have blood in me… usually, I’m either about to play a very ‘dark comedy’ kind of prank, or…

An arrow, fired from a faraway bow, suddenly lodges itself in Discord’s midsection, and he bleeds red.

DISTANT VOICE

Got him!  I’ve struck the beast!

Several hearty CHEERS sound from afar.  Discord sighs while smiling and turns back to the readers.

DISCORD

Let me explain this one.  See, there are mortals out there who still haven’t forgiven me for having once been a villain.  Mortals who fancy themselves ‘heroes,’ and are itching to prove it to the world by putting a Big Baddie in his grave.  As far as these ‘heroes’ are concerned, I’m just a ‘Medusa’ in need of decapitating, a ‘Goliath’ in need of a well-thrown rock between the eyes… you get the idea.  Heroes like that… I really love messing with their heads!

As the band of heroes approach Discord, weapons ready, the draconequus feigns great agony, while clutching his bleeding arrow wound.

DISCORD

AAAH!!  OOOOH!!!  EEEEEE!!!!

HERO

(to his fellow heroes)

There!   You see?  The monster’s wounded!  If it bleeds, we can kill it!

Discord drops a wink to the readers.

Question 2: Kichi Asks:

Dear Discord:

Between Aladdin’s genie and you... who is more powerful?

Out in the forest, Discord toys with Genie’s lamp, bouncing it on a tennis racquet without letting it hit the ground.

DISCORD

Oh, me.  Very definitely me.  Why?  I don’t have his limits.  Let me count the ways.

Above Discord, in the sky… a hungry hawk is about to swoop down on an rabbit, nibbling some clover. Discord points a finger at the hawk.

DISCORD

One: I can kill if I want!

The hawk seems to perish of a heart attack in midair.  It falls to earth with a ghastly crunch, startling the rabbit.

DISCORD

Two:  I don’t mind raising the dead!

The hawk rises back up… undead, its body grotesquely broken by the fall, its head twisted the wrong way upon its neck.

DISCORD

Three: it’s completely within my power to make people fall in love with other people against their will.

Suddenly dressed as Cupid, Discord shoots arrows with heart-shaped arrowheads at the hawk and the rabbit.  The arrows sink into their bodies.

The smitten animals gaze at one another with adoring eyes.  Chuckling, Discord turns from them, back to bouncing Genie’s lamp on his racquet.

DISCORD

But most importantly... Four: I have absolutely no obligation whatsoever to grant ANYONE’S wish.

(speaks to the Genie’s lamp)

Isn’t that right, my big blue friend?

GENIE

(from within lamp)

I wish you’d just STOP!

Question 3: Kichi Asks:

Dear Lero:

Who do you think is closer to how you imagine "the swap?" Terminator or Hal 3000?  After all it seems The Swap is 'programmed' to do what it does.

LERO

I guess if it had to come down to a strict choice between either the Terminator or HAL, I’d have to go with HAL.  Terminators exist to kill humans, HAL only resorted to murder when he couldn’t figure out any other way to obey his orders.  But my real answer would be ‘neither one.’  Because the Swap’s not really a murderous, uh, ‘force’ at all…  Well, except when someone snaps under the strain…  Which in that specific instance it’s like HAL…  but not generally.

Lero thinks a little bit.

LERO

Do you all remember that movie The Truman Show? The one with Jim Carrey?  If I had to compare The Swap to a movie villain, the closest one I can think of, off the top of my head, would be the one from The Truman Show: Christof.

Question 4: Kichi Asks:

Dear Lero:

What is your opinion about minotaurs?

Lero is walking alongside a familiar-looking minotaur, clearly in a minotaur metropolis.  The surrounding buildings are rough-hewn stone, with bulky stone and iron support.  The architecture is rough-looking, but sturdy, seeming made far more for function and durability than any concern for aesthetics.

There tends to be multiple route everywhere, twisting passage, high bridges between multiple floors of buildings, and entrances to tunnels.  Oddly, most of it looks modular, as if it can all be taken apart and re-arranged at a moment's notice.

All around, minotaurs young and old, go about their daily lives.  Most adults tower over Lero, and where their buildings lack flair, their clothing doesn’t.  Jewelry, bright hats, sashes, capes, and harnesses abound.  However, while loincloths, pants, kilts, sarongs, slacks, and pants are omnipresent, the clothing seems to be for utility and ornamentation, not modesty.  The only reason that Lero isn’t constantly blushing is that the females tend to have their chests covered by long hair; often braided or decorated with jewelry or ribbons.

LERO

Hey, everyone!  You remember Brass Knuckles, right?  About a year from now, I'm going on a sabbatical with the rest of Herd Bellerophon, where Brass Knuckles will help teach me a specially-designed martial art.

Brass Knuckles cracks his knuckles and grins.

BRASS KNUCKLES

Howdy, folks!

LERO

Brass invited me to show me around his hometown, since this is the place I'll be staying while I'm his pupil, and I took him up on it.  I’m glad I have him as a guide!  Minotaurs build their towns like labyrinths!

BRASS KNUCKLES

We’ve got great memories and sense of direction!  Besides, that’s why the griffons never conquer us: They keep getting lost when they try to take our cities!

LERO

...I thought that Minos and the Griffon Empire were at peace?

BRASS KNUCKLES

Oh, we are!  Just every couplea decades, we all get in the mood for a decent scrap, or get in an argument over who owns what, or some damn fool bull nearly breaks a griffon ambassador’s daughter in half during a night of passion, and we gotta beat the stuffin’ out of each other until it’s settled!

LERO

...Why do I get the impression that you’re not talking in hypotheticals?

BRASS KNUCKLES

We minotaurs don’t do anything in half measures!

LERO

Aheh.   Well, I respect minotaurs greatly!  There's a lot to admire about them.  They don't have innate magic like unicorns, nor mystic traditions like Griffons or Zebra, so they've primarily had to depend on technological developments.

BRASS KNUCKLES

We have wizards!  Good ones!

LERO

Er...  How exactly do you define 'good'?

BRASS KNUCKLES

They make people fall down!

The two pass what clearly appears to be a minotaur wizard -- robe and pointy hat and all- --attempting to cast a spell with his rune-etched horns.  However, he loses concentration, and the spell fizzles noisily.  Another minotaur watching laughs

HECKLER

You're a regular Twilight Sparkle, aren't ya?!

MINOTAUR WIZARD

(bellowing)

I CAST 'FIST!'

He hauls off and slugs the heckler, laying him out.

BRASS KNUCKLES

See?

LERO

...Fair enough, I guess.  But unlike ponies and many other races, they're not dependent on magic for their innovation, so their progress is remarkably similar to humans without the weird schizotech that ponies have… they're not the type to make video games without having invented television, for example.  So in many ways they closely resemble humans.  Hell, they even have a space program!

A nearby pair of minotaurs overhears Lero, and come over.

MINOTAUR #1

Yeah!  We were going to go to the moon!

MINOTAUR #2

And punch the Mare in the Moon RIGHT IN THE FACE!

MINOTAUR #1

Only the ponies beat us to it!

MINOTAUR #2

And they did it backwards, too!  They took the mare down here!

MINOTAUR #1

And punched her in the face with rainbows of all things!

The second minotaur frowns, turning to the first.

MINOTAUR #2

You have a problem with punching people with rainbows?

MINOTAUR #1

Yeah!  It's not fists or hooves!

MINOTAUR #2

Humph!  Well, some of us have an appreciation for creative punching!

MINOTAUR #1

What's so creative about punching with rainbows!?

MINOTAUR #2

Can you punch people with rainbows!?

MINOTAUR #1

I'll punch you with MY FACE!

The first minotaur headbutts the other, and the two stumble away, brawling.  Brass Knuckles looks unimpressed, as if this were an everyday thing.

BRASS KNUCKLES

Amateurs.

LERO

As you can see...  Generally speaking, they’re a strong, tough, boisterous, outgoing people, but have lots of kindness and heart at their core.

Behind them, the two minotaurs have finished fighting, and are now nursing their bruises while sharing a beer from a streetside stand and laughing together.

LERO

(low undertone)

In many ways, they remind of Rainbow Dash… well… her OLD self.  Especially how much they tend toward risk-taking, thrillseeking, and being Daredevils.

(regular volume)

Sometimes, I swear they don’t fear death.

BRASS KNUCKLES

We don’t!   We fear boring deaths!  I mean, what story would you rather have your grandkids hear?  The one where you died in a fiery explosion trying out a new experimental aircraft, or in your sleep, sick and frail from old age?  I know which one I’d want!

LERO

Personally, I plan to live forever.

BRASS KNUCKLES

HA!  Better brush up on your moves, kid, one of our calves could take off your head!

LERO

He’s joking - they treat non-minotaurs with respect…  Hell, a good chunk of the population is sentient goats.  There’s also a surprisingly large community of minorities living in their country; ponies, donkeys and zebra.

BRASS KNUCKLES

It’s considered unfathomably rude to throw the first punch against a non-minotaur.  We know most people aren’t as tough as us.

LERO

The first punch?

BRASS KNUCKLES

Hey, if you show you’re willing to scrap, we’re willing to oblige!  That's not to say we won't mock and insult you until you throw the first punch if we think you're particularly deserving of a thrashing.

LERO

One of their less endearing qualities, in my opinion.

BRASS KNUCKLES

Speaking of scraps, check it out.

Brass Knuckles points out a Minotaur cow leading her offspring through the marketplace: a brother and a sister.  Both calves are dressed up in a style Lero immediately recognizes; Stetson hats, leather vests, and boots with spurs - and they seem to be attempting to lasso and hogtie each other.

CALF BROTHER

Get back 'ere, ya low-down snake!

CALF SISTER

Ha!  Ya'll gotta be better'n THAT if ya wanta catch me, Sheriff Holstein!

LERO

Ha!  They're playing Cowboys!

BRASS KNUCKLES

Feel like a bit of practice?  They'd be right about your speed.

LERO

What!?  I'm not going to pick a fight with a child!

BRASS KNUCKLES

Don't worry, at your skill level, they probably won't beat you...  much.

LERO

No - look, their mother is right there.

BRASS KNUCKLES

So?  She'd find her kid beating you up hilarious.

LERO

Look, Brass, I know you're trying to give me actual fight experience, but I'm not going to go around picking fights with small children, even if it's a "fair fight," ok?

BRASS KNUCKLES

Fair enough.

LERO

I suppose that that’s a good enough reason to talk about the cows, and minotaur views on gender.   Females are just as tough, aggressive, and daring as males.  They’re just as likely to start or get into fight as the males - including with males.  A cow would beat the crap out of you if you suggested she was inherently weaker than a bull.

BRASS KNUCKLES

And beat the crap back into you by suggesting they’re inherently superior than males.  There’s nothing more insulting to a minotaur than implying they have position or prestige that they’ve not earned.

LERO

The concept of “Women’s work” or suchlike pretty much begins at conception, and ends at the calf being weaned.  In pretty much everything else, Bulls and Cows are equal, doing the same work, wearing similar clothes, fighting just as hard.  Pretty much the only time there’s an exception is when a cow is with calf.

BRASS KNUCKLES

Heh, they love it.  They can punch anyone, and no one will punch them back!  And then they blame it on mood swings.

LERO

Minotaur government is an odd mixture of meritocracy and “might makes right” philosophy.  Being able to beat someone in a fight is important, and establishes hierarchy, but being skilled is very important, too.

BRASS KNUCKLES

A Minotaur leader better be good at what he does, unless he thinks he can whip every single one of his constituents at once.

LERO

Because of this, their government’s pretty decent to its citizens…  Because they know that their citizens won’t hesitate a second to start punching them if they start acting abusive.

BRASS KNUCKLES

Darn’ tootin’!  Because of that, we’ve got a bit of a reputation for civil wars - more really big brawls, really.  But they’ve been happening less; people tend to learn when you teach them the same lesson often enough.

LERO

On the note of history, I find I’m a bit of a legend here.  While Minotaurs have long accepted evolution as a science, there's still a legends of a humanoid creature that was a progenitor of the minotaurs.  They called it 'The Minoan,' which I find historically appropriate.

BRASS KNUCKLES

You’re a spitting image of him!

LERO

They got the ears and nose wrong, though.  And the myth of him having… sired the minotaurs with the sentient four-legged cows of this world is… awkward.

BRASS KNUCKLES

HA!  Too much dame for you to handle?

LERO

I’m more worried about the actual minotaur ladies…  There’s an rumor going around, based on the myth, that I can sire children with them, and that the children will be… well, “More Minoan.”  Apparently, the legend says he was an exemplar in many ways.

BRASS KNUCKLES

Speaking of, there’s a gaggle of lovelies over there making eyes at you…

A trio of young minotaur cows pose for Lero when he looks, winking or blowing kisses as he stares, their skimpy outfits and provocative makeup and jewelry leaving even less to the imagination than normal for a minotaur.

BRASS KNUCKLES

So, how about it?  Feel like trying the local flavor?

LERO

I’ll…  pass.  I’m not one for one-night stands, and I’m not interested in expanding my herd at this time, thanks.

BRASS KNUCKLES

Suit yourself.

LERO

But, for all their faults and extremes, minotaurs are a good people.  I imagine if I’d been ‘adopted’ into a minotaur community instead of a pony one, I could have had just as happy a life!

BRASS KNUCKLES

I’m still disappointed you passed up on live practice of your fighting.  I’d love for you to be skilled enough, by the time we begin your training , for me to fight you without holding back.

LERO

I doubt that will happen.  I’ve seen you punch boulders in half.

BRASS KNUCKLES

That’swhyyouDOOOOOOODGE!!!

Lero manages to get out a confused, “Wait, what?” before the Minotaur’s punch strikes him and flings him across the street - and into the eager arms of the minotaur cows, who begin hugging him and showering him with kisses.  Brass Knuckles sighs.

BRASS KNUCKLES

Boy needs work.

Question 5: Kichi Asks:

Dear Celestia:

Why is Twilight’s mother on the exception list, but not Princess Cadence? She was Twilight’s foalsitter and is the Princess of Love, she could help Twilight when she’s feeling stressed, and act as like a big sister in times that you, Princess Celestia, can't help her.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

There were a couple of reasons we didn’t go with Cadence.  First, Cadence spends most of her time in the Crystal Empire.  She’s far away, so her availability to help Twilight by playing the ‘big sister’ would be scarce, indeed.  But, more importantly, she’s a princess with lots of political clout.

She sighs.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

There’s no guarantee that Cadence would understand the necessity of correcting Starswirl’s unfinished spell... or especially Discord’s Bewitchment... any more than Star Sparkle did.  And in contrast to Star Sparkle, princesses in charge of powerful foreign nations can be… disruptive… in ways that ordinary citizens can’t.

Question 6: Kichi Asks:

Dear Lero:

After too many "False Human" sightings... Did you consider asking Celestia to make some kind of law to stop that?

LERO

N… no.  I mean, yeah, the whole situation with all the fake human sightings really stinks for me… but I’ve never wanted to have Celestia do anything to prohibit it.  Speaking personally, I’d rather have everypony free to ‘cry wolf’ a thousand times over, than to risk just ONE instance where another human like Gus Wainwright escapes into Equestria from that other world… and the ponies who discover that person are somehow legally prevented from spreading the word and getting him help.  Besides, me and the rest of my herd have started getting better at picking out the liars.

He opens a tabloid rag: SCUBA DIVERS ENCOUNTER AQUATIC HUMANS LIVING IN DEEP-SEA GROTTO!

LERO

It’s not like they’re very good at it.

Question 7: Kichi Asks:

Dear Discord:

What are you going to do if after 20 years, Fluttershy doesn't return to normal?

DISCORD

By THAT point, I intend to have fully befriended ‘Fluttershy the Party Queen,’ so she and I will be ‘besties’ just as much as me and Rainbow the Animal Trainer currently are!  I mean… come on!  A Fluttershy who’s outgoing, tells jokes and pranks?  If that’s not a win-win, I don’t know WHAT is!

Question 8: Kichi Asks:

Dear Lero:

Let's say suddenly the Cutie Mark Crusaders appear at your door and ask to enter your herd, What is your reaction?

LERO

To let those three little girls down gently.

KICHI

(Of course that is only a joke; someone make them participate)

LERO

(unamused)

Then I’d also have the Crusaders tell the person who put them up to it that what they did wasn’t very funny.  Love is serious business.

Cut to the Cutie Mark Crusaders in their clubhouse.  The Crusaders have made many crude felt dolls in the likenesses of several different neighbors, including Rarity, Twilight, Derpy Hooves, Lero, Cheerilee and more.

SWEETIE BELLE

Wait, wait, I got it!  Let’s put Applejack with Big Mac!

SCOOTALOO

HAH!  Can you picture that?  That prissy mare coming to work on a farm?

APPLE BLOOM

Ah... dunno.

SCOOTALOO

Huh?  Why not?

APPLE BLOOM

Welp, Mac’s… Mac’s had his eye on Miz Applejack in the past.  Dunno if he still does now… he might!

SCOOTALOO & SWEETIE BELLE

Oooooooooh!

APPLE BLOOM

But ta me… somethin’ jest seems wrong about putting them two together, beyond jest city gal and country guy!  How about Mayor Mare with Big Mac?

SCOOTALOO

Eh, I guess that’d still be funny.

SWEETIE BELLE

Wait!  Even better idea!  Lero should herd up with…

She picks up Lero’s doll and moves it towards the three Crusader dolls...

SWEETIE BELLE

...Thunderlane, Rumble, AND Bulk Biceps!

...passing the Crusaders, and putting the human over by the dolls of Thunderlane, Rumble and Bulk Biceps.

SCOOTALOO

Whoa… Rarity would FLIP if that were to happen.  Absolutely FLIP.

(beat)

Aw, what the hay, let’s do it!

ALL CRUSADERS

Yay!

Sweetie starts throwing confetti while Scootaloo and Apple Bloom move the four chosen dolls towards a toy altar.

ALL CRUSADERS

(singing)

Here come the grooms...

Question 9: Kichi Asks:

Dear Honeydew:

Did you think about including the Great and Powerful Trixie in your plans to take care of the monkey?

PRE-CHAPTER 33 HONEYDEW

On two separate instances, the ‘Great and Powerful Trixie’ sought to prove herself superior to Twilight Sparkle… and lost.  I cannot afford losers in my anti-human campaign.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(coldly)

Which was why you teamed up with a bunch of thugs and lowlifes.

HONEYDEW

Naturally!

(beat)

Wait...

Question 10: Kichi Asks:

Dear Twilight:

What does Celestia do in estrus? After all, she is the Co-Monarch of Equestria, and can't show weakness, but at the same time she can't leave her dear subjects alone in estrus.

Twilight blushes deeply.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

This is, uh, a bit of a delicate subject, and the only reason I know as much as I do is my closeness with the Princess - d-don’t go spreading this around, please?  First…  Princess Celestia participates in estrus, like any other mare.  It’s natural and normal, like any other part of biology.  It’s only a ‘weakness’ in the same sense that, say, your need to eat, sleep, breathe, or eliminate bodily waste is.

She clears her throat.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

That said…  It seems to be a quirk of Alicorn biology in that they go into estrus far less often than normal ponies.  Celestia theorizes it’s in response to their vastly extended lifespan, but there’s too little data to be sure.  So she has much longer to plan for it, so she makes preparations to ensure that her governance is not disrupted when she feels the urge.

She coughs.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

I can guess where this line of questioning would go next:  No, Celestia and I have never shared a heat together.  We’ve never been cooler buddies.  Our relationship isn’t like that.  We love each other, but not as herdsisters.  And the next logical question: so who DOES Celestia share her heats with?

Twilight sighs, thinking whether or not she should even answer this.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Perhaps…  That’s too narrow a question.  Maybe a better question is…  ‘Who does Celestia share her life with?’ Or perhaps even better, ‘Who does Celestia share her heart with?’  Celestia’s not a machine to raise and lower the sun.  She loves like anyone else, and has a need for physical affection and intimacy.  And no, she doesn’t resort to ‘comfort horses’ or, say, concubines or a harem.   The answer is simple:  She’s taken consorts, who, logically, assist in her estrus in the rare moments it comes.

Twilight idly gestures as she continues.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Of course, it’s reasonable to ask “Why haven’t I heard of such obviously prestigious mares and stallions?” Well…  It’s not a public, official position anymore.  In the very early days, it was, and, then, as now, there are despicable ponies out there who’ve tried to bed Celestia in the hopes of scoring some political gain from it, or for their own vanity, or even to try and assassinate her.  In the past, some of the ponies she’s shared heats with have gone on to cause scandal and even damaged our standing with other nations.  It’s well-documented in our history…  for posterity.  Usually after the fact.  All the better to hide their identities while still alive.

She levitates up a large book up for the readers to see: The Complete Compendium Of All Celestia’s Lovers Throughout The Ages, (76st Edition) by The Eternally Watchful Order Of Sol de Amore.

It looks like a very new and up-to-date edition.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

… but, well, she’s had over a thousand years to learn from her mistakes.  Discretion is the watchword of the day.  Celestia’s always very careful who she picks. She tries her best to partner with ponies who’re thoroughly honorable and kindhearted and come from good families.  She’s managed to arrange her time with her consort in such a way that no one ever notices them gone, and no one ever makes a connection between the two.  Of course you might ask, what of children?  Well… Estrus happens so rarely that, well, that almost never happens.  And when it does, well… Celestia's a responsible soul, and she takes on the foal's sire as her husband… but suffice it to say that Celestia’s outlived all the children she’s ever had.  AND all their descendants!  She’s given birth to pegasi and unicorns, but never alicorns like her… as much as everypony would wish otherwise.  I remember her telling me that she’ll need a lot more time before she’s ready to try being a mother again.

Twilight hangs her head sympathetically.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Celestia’s adapted to her state.  How did she put it?  “One must never hold onto love so hard that you crush the joy from it, fearing the moment it is taken from you.  Rather, Enjoy the now, live every moment of love to it’s fullest.  and when your love leaves to start of family, or their life takes them down paths away from you, you can wish them a fond farewell, and be left with happy memories.”  And… I think that’s all there is that needs to be said about that.

Question 11: Kichi Asks:

Dear Lero:

If you could ask Discord to duplicate one physical thing from earth... What would it be? (Something concrete, as in maybe a computer, some books, a house, etc. not an abstract concept like as "technology" or "sense of nudity" or "Democracy.")

Lero’s sitting next to Twilight, who’s reading a book.  He thinks long and hard about his answer.  Finally, he says...

LERO

If I could pick just one thing for Discord to duplicate in Equestria… it’d have to be the Library of Congress.

Twilight Sparkle puts down the book she’s reading, looking at Lero with mild approval.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

A library, hmm?

LERO

(bragging)

Not just any library, Twilight: the Library Of Congress is nothing less than THE biggest library on Earth!  It contains MILLIONS of books on every subject, fiction and nonfiction… practically every single book the human race has ever written!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Millions…?

Twilight draws in an awed gasp.

LERO

The entire written history of our race, the good... and the bad, so ponies can understand us at our best, and our worst.  Everything ponies have asked me about humanity that I haven’t been able to adequately explain: every time they’ve asked me stuff about the human body and I found myself wishing I was a doctor… every time they’ve asked me stuff about human technology and I found myself wishing I was an engineer… well, there’s nothing from Earth that I wouldn’t want to share with the good people of Equestria, and the books in the Library of Congress would give them ALL the answers.

Twilight throws herself into Lero’s arms and starts kissing him passionately… like a girlfriend whose boyfriend had just given her a Mercedes Benz.

LERO

Ha ha!  Ah, but it’s only a pipe dream, Twilight, just wishful thinking.  Not like Discord’s gonna actually DO it for me…

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

I don’t even care!  It’s just so romantic of you, Lero…

Question 12: Kichi Asks:

Dear Celestia:

Think you can use the Appollion cannon as a source of energy instead of a weapon?

PRINCESS CELESTIA

Perhaps… I need to apprehend the confusion of ideas that provoked such a question.   First, to be clear:  The Appolion Cannon itself generates no energy.  None.  However, The Sun is a huge, magical power plant that is literally the biggest source of energy anywhere in Equestria’s system.  It literally is the source of all energy and magic on Equestria.  It’s hard to ask for more than that in terms of energy generation.  All the Appollion Cannon does is focus the awesome power-generating capabilities of the sun into a single, focused blast of devastating power.  So, no, it can not.

Question 13: Kichi Asks:

Dear Luna:

In round twenty-two you say the moon is a nexus between worlds, then as Nightmare Moon, did you use it to travel between worlds?

PRINCESS LUNA

You are correct!  To travel from the surface of the moon to the surface of Equestria is a LONG way to teleport, even for an alicorn!

Question 14: Kichi Asks:

Dear Lero:

Between Iron Will and Bulk Biceps, if you had to choose one to add to the herd... who would it be?

LERO

(Annoyed)

Well, between the two of them, they’re both loud and annoying.  If I had to chose strictly on that basis alone, I’d go with Iron Will; At least he’s not always “On.” But on the basis of actually helping the herd, I suppose it would HAVE to be Bulk Biceps.  Minotaurs can’t impregnate pony mares any more than humans can.

(sighs, reluctant approval)

And that said. there is something to be said about a guy like Bulk Biceps who’s able to make friends with a girl Fluttershy and make her feel happy and comfortable around him despite being huge and LOUD.

Question 15: Kichi Asks:

Dear Twilight:

If you do not find a cure after twenty years, would you think of asking to Discord to bewitch you?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

No.  Not in twenty years, not in a million.  I remember Spike describing what it was like when Discord almost bewitched him… it sounded unbelievably creepy.  I mean, intentionally removing information from my mind? Are you insane?  Besides, well… the idea of failing at a cure altogether...

She looks over at a picture of Herd Bellerophon with the Swapped Rainbow Dash and Rarity.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Looking at the the bright side of the matter… the lovely relationship I’m developing with my Swapped friends and herdmates is all the more precious BECAUSE of the truth they’d forgotten: that it hasn’t always been this way.  That it was a struggle.  Coming to accept them, coming to love them, helping them adjust to their new lives… I’d never want such memories altered.

(hangs her head)

But, looking at the dark side of the matter… I don’t deserve to just blithely forget my life’s greatest shame, and the worst injustice I’ve ever inflicted on my friends.

Question 16: Kichi Asks:

Dear Discord:

Let's say the Fae begin to attack Equestria.  Not just the weak ones, but the truly powerful one... Would you try and save Equestria or you stay hidden with popcorn and watch the battle?

DISCORD

If it ever reached a point where there was open war between the Fae and Equestria… it would be a great time to leave the popcorn unpopped and get my hiney off the couch.  Equestria’s MY playground; they can’t just come in and take it!  Besides, Fluttershy lives here.  I’ll be DAMNED if I let them do to her what they did to Lero!

KISHI

Could you snap your fingers and close every portal easy?

DISCORD

I could!

Discord snaps his fingers… and, indeed all the portals into Equestria close.

DISCORD

Problem is… every one of True Fae is just as powerful as me!   And I’m just one draconequus, while they’re an entire race.

Twelve times as many portals rip open.

Question 17: Kichi Asks:

Dear Discord,

In a one-on-one fight between you and "The Lady" that took place in a neutral zone like the moon or the middle of space, who could win? And how hard would it be?

DISCORD

I’ll be honest, folks, this ‘Lady’ isn’t a personal acquaintance of mine… everything I know about her comes from eavesdropping on Lero invisibly.  Oh, I’ve visited the Fae Realms a few times, and I know what Fae are… just haven’t encountered her, personally, yet...  Ought to look her up and say ‘hi,’ at some point.  But I digress, don’t I?

Discord smirks.

DISCORD

Well… knowing what I know of Fae in general, if this throwdown were being held on The Lady’s home turf, it’d be one story.  But anywhere else… even in a NEUTRAL zone… heh heh heh… all I’d need to do is simply transform myself into a cold-iron iron maiden, snap myself shut upon her, and… BANG!    Discord wins again!

Question 18: Kichi Asks:

Dear Lero:

How is the Equestrian version of "Back to the Future"? Do they use a car or a carriage?

Lero grins in great pride.

LERO

Back To The Future: Equestrian Edition is pretty damn awesome, if I do say so myself!  God, the stories I could tell about that adaption… Where to begin? Yeah, the car, that’s first.  It is a real car, not a carriage.  These guys were determined to make a MIND-BLOWING sci-fi masterpiece… so they were as jazzed about this time-travelling flying car as they’d be about a spaceship.  It looks EVEN COOLER than the human version.  Even though I did my best to describe the Delorean, they still needed a lot of imagination to fill in the blanks… it’s quite a sight!  Though the movie needed to add in an extra scene where the Marty McFly character had to be taught the basics… you know, steering wheel, gas pedal, brakes… it’s worth seeing the movie just to watch a pony drive a car.

Lero opens a door to a special room of Golden Oaks Library, filled with memorabilia from different movies he helped bring to Equestria.  Alien: Equestria Edition, Shaun Of The Dead: Equestrian Edition...

He smiles at a poster of Back To The Future: Equestrian Edition.

LERO

And speaking of the Marty McFly character… I really FOUGHT to keep the scriptwriters from changing him into a mare.  REALLY insisted he stay male.  I mean, in Equestrian movies, all the GOOD parts go to the mares… and seeing such an icon as Marty McFly changed to a girl would just ruin it for me.  It’d feel like a disgusting theft… they just had to steal his manhood from him.   But later, the filmmakers admitted it was a good call: they picked a very popular actor to play Marty, and Back To The Future’s got quite a large female fanbase.

(regretfully)

But pretty much all the rest of the cast?  Sex change.  The Doc Brown character’s female, the Biff Tannen character’s female… even the school principal’s female… I did what I could, folks.

There’s a picture of Lero in a group photo with the primary cast members of Back To The Future: Equestrian Edition; The 'Doc Brown,' character, the 'Biff' character, Marty's parents, and Marty, himself, who had an arm slung chummily around Lero’s shoulder.  Everyone’s grinning.  All the cast members have signed their names on this photo.  Marty’s even left something extra next to his signature:

You’re a great guy, Lero!  We can’t wait for BTTF Part 2.

LERO

What else, what else… they did name changes, of course… ‘pony’ names.  I never would’ve learned that a ‘martin’ is a type of real-life bird before they changed ‘Marty McFly’ to ‘Flying Martin’… he’s still called ‘Marty’ though.  Played by a pegasus, as you’ve probably guessed.  Doc Brown’s still called ‘Doc Brown,’ though her full name is something like ‘Brown Bread.’  ‘Biff Tannen’ is ‘Buff Tanner,’ real butch lady.  I think their ‘Jennifer’ is called ‘Jamboree,’ ‘George McFly’ is now ‘Jordan Almond,’ ‘Lorraine’ is now ‘Lorry,’ like the British cart, oh, and Doc Brown’s still got an adorable large dog, only instead of ‘Einstein,’ he’s called ‘Starswirl.’

Lero gives a brief shudder.

LERO

Just a creepy coincidence, I assure you all.  We finalized the script LONG before all this business with the Swap.

(coughs)

Anyway… because ponies are polygamous, a few other changes needed to be made.  Marty the pegasus starts off have two extra parents, and a a few siblings more than his human counterpart.  Although they make Jordan and Lorry the founding members of their herd, kinda like me and Rainbow Dash, so the plot could focus on them.  When Marty goes back in time and Lorry falls in love with him instead of his dad… well, with Equestria’s gender ratio situation, ‘Jordan Almond,’ was never in any danger of staying single forever like ‘George McFly’ was, (though they’re both big geeks)… so there’s this extra subplot where Marty’s having to deal with Jordan’s other suitors for the big school dance.

He picks up a set of film reels: It’s a copy of Back To The Future one would use in a movie projector.

LERO

All in all, it’s a pretty cool adaption, and I had loads of fun watching it when it came out in theaters!  You should give it a look if you’re ever in Equestria!

Question 19: Kichi Asks:

Dear Lero or Twilight:

Let's say Lero had managed to make RD pregnant before the swap.  What would Dash The Caretaker's memories be about who her foal's father is?

Welcome to Alternate Universe #DR23-1P96♠35, one of the ones where Twilight Sparkle managed to find a way for Lero to impregnate herself and her herd sisters before ‘The Swap’ came into the picture.

The Lero from this version of reality is with Rainbow Dash at her cottage, at a point in time before he has helped her find equilibrium.  So far, the only truly major discrepancy between this world and Divided Rainbow is that here, Rainbow Dash is six months pregnant.

LERO

(telling Rainbow Dash a joke)

And so then the plumber says, “Handle her?  I barely KNOW her!”

Rainbow Dash and Lero both laugh together, but then she suddenly groans in pain.

RAINBOW DASH

Urrggh!

LERO

Dash!

He helps her to the couch.

RAINBOW DASH

I’m okay, Lero, I’m okay.  Just the foal kicking.

(she makes a bitter noise)

I didn’t need this.

The human gives several light strokes to Dash’s bulging stomach, and to the little one within.  His child, as much as Dash’s.

RAINBOW DASH

I didn’t need this foal, on top of everything else that’s gone wrong.

LERO

(very hesitantly)

May I ask a question, Dash?  Who’s the father?  Can you tell me that?

Rainbow Dash falls silent, looking away.

LERO

I’m sorry.  That’s a personal question, and you shouldn’t…

RAINBOW DASH

There’s a part of me that never wants ANYONE to know, not even you.  Another part’s been dying to tell SOMEONE.  If I tell you, will you absolutely promise me that you’ll keep it to yourself?

LERO

Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.

It’s still a long time before Rainbow Dash can bring herself to speak.

RAINBOW DASH

It was about six months ago.  There was a family of bats that I needed to help.  It was past midnight by the time I finally came back home.  I was thirsty, so I went to my refrigerator to get a drink and…

(winces)

He’d booby-trapped my refrigerator.  I heard a wire snap when I opened the door… and saw the broken wire later.  Something he’d put inside blew a thick cloud of smelly, yellowish smoke in my face; I breathed a lot of it in.  I stumbled about the room in a daze.  That gas completely messed with my head.  I could hear smells.  I could see sounds.  Blurred colors was the whole world.  My body was weak and limp and I couldn’t move at all.

But then I felt… HIM come up behind me, from whenever he’d been hiding.  Felt him come INTO me...

Lero listens in horror.

RAINBOW DASH

He never spoke a word.  I never saw his face.  I couldn’t even tell you if he was a unicorn, pegasus, or Earth pony.  I couldn’t even turn my neck around, and even if I could, the world was just a fog of crazy colors: there were no actual shapes.  THAT was my foal’s father.

Lero cannot bring himself to respond.

RAINBOW DASH

Please, please, PLEASE, don’t tell ANYPONY the truth!  Not Twilight or any of my other friends, and ESPECIALLY not the police!  It’s so shameful… I’m already such a hoofmat… and mares are supposed to be the dominant ones.  When I absolutely MUST talk about the father, I tell ponies that it was a ‘one night stand’ at a bar.

LERO

Even though you don’t like drinking.

RAINBOW DASH

Even though I don’t like drinking.

LERO

I’m… all things considered… I’m shocked that you’re KEEPING him!

RAINBOW DASH

The father may be a monster, but he’s an innocent infant.   And I won’t give him away, either.  I’ll raise him right.  Besides…

Rainbow Dash looks around at all the disobedient animals idly chewing up the room and making messes around her and gives a hollow laugh.

RAINBOW DASH

What kind of hypocrite would I be, if I could take all THESE nasty little brutes, but not my own flesh and blood?!  How could I call myself ‘Element of Kindness?’

Lero is dumbstruck.

RAINBOW DASH

Hey, um, Lero?  Didn’t… uh, didn’t Twilight make some sort of spell that’d allow you to father foals?

LERO

You… remember that?

RAINBOW DASH

It just came back to my mind, very suddenly, for some reason.  I remember Twilight was very happy about it, she told me and all her other friends all about it.

Unconsciously, Dash begins rubbing her belly.

RAINBOW DASH

I’m surprised you haven’t used it yet, Lero!  You ought to.  Your foal will have a terrific father, which is more than I can say for mine.  I mean, wouldn’t it be great if, someday, your foal and mine grew up to be best friends?

LERO

Excuse me… I need the bathroom.

He retreats into the cottage bathroom, sits on the toilet and begins to cry softly.

LERO

(soft whisper)

Mr. Swap… you’re a BASTARD.  A real evil BASTARD.

Question 20: Kichi Asks:

Dear Discord:

Remember when you said you were going to punish Spike... Did you think about throw him in a Silent Hill dimension for a while?

Spike’s wandering through a extremely dark and decrepit hospital corridor.  WAY too many cobwebs are all over this place.  Spike wears a long-sleeved shirt and jeans, much like Lero’s.  A clippable flashlight is clipped to the upper pocket of Spike’s shirt, providing feeble light.

As Spike looks down the corridor and all the doors along its sides he pulls out a map of the hospital out of his pocket.

SPIKE

(sour grumble)

Now let’s see…

He tries going through the nearest door, Room M21.  But the lock’s jammed.

SPIKE

Of course.

Spike pulls out the red pen which all Silent Hill protagonists carry with them, (even if their inventories neglect to mention this,) and draws an X over the M21 door on his hospital map.

Then Spike goes over to Room M22.  Its door is stuck.  Same with M23, M24, and M25.

SPIKE

Naturally.

Spike marks these on his hospital map as well.  Abandoned though this hospital is, unsettling noises permeate the background; skittering, slurping, distance screams.  He shudders.

Spike tries venturing further down the cobwebbed corridor, only to find it opens into a yawning chasm midway through.   The dragon only looks upward towards the ceiling contemptuously… the way a hardened prison inmate might sneer up at a security camera.

SPIKE

Like I wasn’t expecting you to pull something like this again!

Again he pulls out his map, and sketches in a crude drawing of a chasm over the appropriate area on his map.

It should be noted that other sections upon this map show parts of the hospital which Spike has already explored earlier.  About 85% of all the doors the map shows have red no-go Xs over them.  Practically every long hallway has some kind of large impenetrable obstruction or chasm planted midway through it, forcing him to take unlikely detours.

Suddenly… some object in Spike’s pocket turns itself on and starts playing music.

SPIKE

Huh…?  Radio?

Indeed, Spike is not without his standard-issue Silent Hill protagonist radio.  For all of three seconds, it plays Journey’s Separate Ways before the music finds itself competing with white noise static.  Increasingly loud static.

SPIKE

Crud!

Spike looks up at the murderous monster approaching him.

What Spike sees is a female minotaur nurse.  Next to a small guy like Spike, especially, she is a towering giantess.  Her low-cut uniform hugs her body in a very flattering way.  She would be beautiful, (as far as minotaurs go)... except that she has a blubbery cancerous mass where her face should be.

The nurse’s whole body twitches and convulses spastically.  With each surprisingly fast herky-jerky step she takes, the static noise from Spike’s radio builds and builds to a nerve-wracking whine.  Her hand clutches an IV drip stand.  Spike tries to dodge away from her, but she’s a quick thing, striking Spike powerfully across the face with her iron pole, then kicking him in the stomach.

Growling, Spike draws out his weapon: a length of rusty steel pipe.  To a kid of his size, it’s as good as a metal baseball bat.  This time, he parries the nurse’s next swipe with his pipe, then brings his weapon crashing into the nurse’s kneecaps, again and again, until they shatter and she falls.

As the nurse twitches even more violently on the floor.  Spike draws in a long, hot breath and breath out a stream of fire all over the monster’s body, until it stops moving and his radio silences itself.

SPIKE

Owww… ooohh….

The nurse did quite some damage on his body.  Spike pulls out yet another item from his inventory: a plastic bottle labeled ‘Health Drink.’  He quaffs it down, then pauses to consider the aftertaste.

SPIKE

(identifying the drink’s taste)

Hmmm… spinach… leeks… ginger… and cauliflower.

(frowns at the empty bottle)

Least it ain’t parsnip and turmeric juice again.

He throws the empty bottle into the canyon, and continues testing the doors, until he finally comes upon an unusual one.  Although it’s locked, it doesn’t have a keyhole and words are written on it:

SPIKE

(reading from the door)

My stem’s planted firmly where I am allotted.

My tail is wavy and my face is quite blotted.

I convey much emotion, though flatly I’m spotted.

And I grow half my size whenever I’m dotted.

I can speak any language yet utter no words.

I’m no seed, yet I am well-known among birds.

I live on a highway that’s structurally sound

Where you might see my friends accidentally bound

It has many lanes and also long lines.

There are lots of sharp turns and plenty of signs.

I am played but not won

Made but not spun

The key is to measure before you’ve begun.

Once he’s finished, Spike lets out a furious scream, banging his pipe repeatedly against the riddle door to no avail.

SPIKE

DAMN YOU, DISCORD!  DAMN YOOOOUUU!!!!

Question 21: Warpd Asks:

Dear Twilight:

What makes a good princess?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

A very excellent question!

(thinks for a second)

Let’s start with the purely pragmatic basics.  To be a good princess means to be a good leader, and thus, you first need to be excellent at leadership.  Possess both a strong skill and a strong desire to lead others.  You have to be charismatic: ponies should want to follow you.  You have to have deep political savvy, and a consistent awareness of current events… live in the ‘now.’  Strength is also a big key.  Strength that comes from a courageous heart.  The strength to accomplish great things.  Strength to support your people, and protect them from unreasonable enemies.

She smiles, looking towards the sun above her.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

But to truly be a GREAT princess requires a bit more.  Great princesses need to have a great sense of initiative and be purpose-driven… you wouldn’t want her to be one of those politicians who never actually DOES anything with her office except sit in an important chair.  Leaders should be involved.  You REALLY want her to have a solid moral code.  Personal integrity, accountability, and a firm sense of right and wrong.  The world needs FEWER tyrants, not more; leaders who truly care about the wellbeing and happiness of their subjects.

She begins walking down the road a few paces.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Princesses should be instilled with a powerful sense of selflessness and civil duty.  Ponies don’t exist to serve them; they exist to serve ponies.  They need a certain level of optimism and faith.  Faith in their own abilities and good judgment.  Faith that things might turn out alright.  Take it from a girl who spent a month shut away in her own book fort… you don’t want your leader so pessimistic about taking risks that she never accomplishes anything.

Twilight sits down next to her friends.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Last but not least… great princesses need to have excellent, dependable friends.  Reliable, honorable, and truehearted.  Lero once put it to me this way, “If the general’s a saint and the soldiers are all scoundrels… what do you get?”

Question 22: Warpd Asks:

Dear Sombra:

Hello? You still dead right? This story has escalated to the point I almost expect you to suddenly show up.

Way, way down in Pony Hell, Sombra is now a smelly garbage collector, made to go from garbage can to garbage can and pile them high on his back.   He turns towards the readers.

KING SOMBRA

I am still dead, peasant.  Much as I would wish otherwise, and in spite of the increasing complications Celestia’s peons are having with that old unfinished spell.   Were I alive, I’d be out collecting all my precious crrryyyysstallls, crystals, crystals, crysssstalllls and slaaaaves…. ha ha ha ha ha…

At that moment, a Pony Devil jabs Sombra with a pitchfork.

PONY DEVIL

Hey, we're not torturing you here so you can break the fourth wall! Come on, now!  Pick up your toothbrush and get to work: this sewer’s not going to clean itself!

Did we mention that Sombra’s now dressed as a sewage maintenance worker, and he’s deep in an infinitely filthy sewer?  Well, he is.

Question 23: Warpd Asks:

Dear Lyra:

Bruce Lee or Chuck Norris?

Discord has invited Lyra over to his personal digs; they sit on a couch in front of his TV.  Stacks of movies are piled alongside their couch: It’s clear that they’ve been watching a marathon of old films, including The Big Boss, The Delta Force, The Chinese Connection, Lone Wolf McQuade, some episodes of The Green Hornet series, some episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger series, Enter The Dragon, Forest Warrior, Sidekicks… finally finishing with The Way Of The Dragon.

Lyra reacts in astonishment when she notices a certain unique feature of The Way Of The Dragon.

LYRA

Sweet Celestia… they’re BOTH in this one!

DISCORD

Yep!  The only movie featuring Chuck and Bruce in the same flick.

The Way Of The Dragon finishes.  Discord shuts it off with his remote control.

DISCORD

That should be more than enough!  So now, Lyra, in your personal opinion, which is better: Norris or Lee?

LYRA

I’m going to have to go with Mr. Lee.  Don’t get me wrong; Norris is a legitimately talented martial artist, but from what I’m seeing, Lee was the trailblazer AND the gold standard in human martial arts stars.

DISCORD

Even I’m disappointed he ended up dying so young… right when his career was just taking off!

LYRA

What’s more, I was turned off by Sidekicks and Forest Warrior. On one hoof, there’s nothing wrong with a martial artist actor taking on comedic material.   But Sidekicks was Norris’ narcissistic ode to himself, and there’s no excuse for Forest Warrior.  Not just preachy but with so many LAZY fight sequences.  Bruce Lee never needed to do that.  He just let his martial arts speak for itself.

Then Lyra blushes a bit.

LYRA

I’ll admit there’s one other reason I preferred Lee, and that’s as an… appreciator of human beauty.  I mean… Mr. Norris’ beard looks good and all, but Mr. Lee’s got the more handsomer face.  And those abs...

Question 24: Warpd Asks:

Dear Spike the Female:

After be transformed into a Female Dragon for an extended period of time... (more that 500 days) Did you sense yourself becoming a little more girly? Did you begin to think pink is a pretty color? Or begin to like to play more with dolls?

A slightly older Female Spike from the Jeremyverse is babysitting Pound and Pumpkin Cake over in his room.  The young dragon wears a pink apron.

FEMALE SPIKE

(cooing at the babies)

Ooo--gooo-goo-gooo-goo!  Ooo-gooo-gooo-goo-goo!  Who’s the cuuuuutest little babies?  It’s you-you-you and YOU!

Pumpkin and Pound giggle with glee.  Spike picks Pumpkin up and holds her up in the air while spinning slowly pretending like she’s a superhero...

FEMALE SPIKE

Whooooooosh, whoooosh… here comes Superfoal to save the daaaaay!

Then she freezes up, suddenly aware of the readers’ presence.  She lowers Pumpkin the the ground, her attitude turning bristly and defensive.

FEMALE SPIKE

(grudgingly)

W… well, considering all the estrogen this new body of mine’s been producing, I suppose that a little bit of girlishness is to be expected.  Yeah, babies interest me more than they did when I was a guy.  I’m sitting these two for the Cakes even though this herd of mine’s got THREE already, with Number Four on the way!  What of it?!  And… yeah, pink’s a nicer than I gave credit for.   Honestly, I wore a frilly pink apron back when I WAS a boy anyway. It wasn't THAT far to go.  But I haven’t been playing with any stinkin’ dolls!  ...Except when it’s with the foals.  A-and I still like girls!   Although, considering that it’s only natural for girls to like other girls…

An uncomfortable silence.

FEMALE SPIKE

Aw, heck…

She picks Pumpkin back up and spins her up in the air again.

FEMALE SPIKE

Whooosh!  Whooooosh!  Whoooooooosh!

Question 25: Kichi Asks:

To the great and powerful Swap:

What do you think whenever Lero curses you…

The Swap manifests itself as a bodiless voice.

THE SWAP

Mr. Lero Michealides is free to vituperate and express his frustrations with the great New Truth as much as his wont.  Every word Lero speaks is listened to avidly, with every available ear.  But Lero has learned to be a cautious man, careful to guard his tongue and blend in with his peers, for fear of appearing insane.  No doubt, he speaks his feelings much more openly whenever he’s alone with those other sweetly adorable Pretenders, who are still beholden to the Old Truth.  A shame these conversations cannot be listened in on.

KISHI

...Or find loopholes?

THE SWAP

Lero’s talent for unearthing loopholes and weaknesses was truly not expected at all.  The advent of the New Truth ended up provoking a change in Lero, igniting his spirit with an aggressive rebelliousness no one in this world would have ever suspected him to possess… in either the New Truth or the Old Truth.

The Swap’s voice is androgynous, through and through.

THE SWAP

The New Truth has caused Lero many forms of suffering, but he has learned to adapt and even thrive.  Conversely, Lero has caused all sorts of vexing setbacks, difficulties and near-disasters, necessitating several drastic readjustments.  ‘Tit for tat,’ one might say.  But for all these frustrations, it has still proven a stimulating campaign.  Transformative on all parties concerned.

The Swap is everywhere and nowhere at once.

THE SWAP

Though the ultimate question -- which of these two Truths will dominate -- has no clear answer in sight.  Especially after certain recent developments.

Round Twenty-Six: Mister Michealides' Moviemaking

Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Twenty-Six: Mister Michealides' Moviemaking

Spoilers Up To Chapter 35

Question 1: Warpd Asks:

Dear Lero,

Concerning the how Minos idea, couldn’t they compare DNA to see if compatibility is even there? It would probably work out better than one night stands these cows are looking for.

LERO

Hate to say it, but this world’s scientists haven’t quite advanced their technology to the point where they can sequence DNA and determine compatibility, much less engineer a hybrid child.  It's part of the reason that Twilight's attempts at us having children have been magical rather than genetic engineering.  Maybe in five or ten years!

Question 2: Warpd Asks:

Dear Lero,

I have to know, what does the alien from Alien look like? With all kinds of natural monsters that exist in this world what did they do to make this creature unique (outside of its convoluted but horrifying lifecycle)?

LERO

Ah, Alien… that was another fun one to work on!

He goes over and opens an old sketchbook of his.

LERO

First, I want to start by saying that while I can draw simple things well enough… I’m no H. R. Giger.

He shows the readers pages full of failed attempts to draw Giger’s most iconic monster.

LERO

So in case any of you find yourself in Equestria, I’ll tell you upfront: the Xenomorph in the pony version of Alien isn’t a carbon copy of Ridley Scott’s original.

Lero sets the sketchbook down.

LERO

Still, I worked VERY hard with the directors and the art production team to nail down a solid look for our monster.  The director and I got to talking about the series, and I told her about how the human-spawned Xenos were mostly bipedal and had fingers and such, while in the third film, one of them infected… a dog or an ox or something, I forget which… but it was four-legged animal, so the Xeno that came out of it ran on four legs as well.  I’m not a huge fanboy, but I vaguely remember something about them using the DNA of their hosts to adapt to the environment they emerged into.  Perfect killing machines, all that.

He then pulls out a dog-eared script of Alien: Equestrian Edition.  It’s not the final draft.

LERO

The director focused on that first.  She said that since this was a pony film where a space crew of ponies were the ones who’d be getting preyed upon, it’d only make sense that our Xenomorph was equine-shaped, overall.  I agreed with that.  But I also warned them that it HAD to look real and alive.  If it looked like some actor in a zippered suit, we might as well not bother.   Aside from that, well… um, if you look at Giger’s alien, it, well… I’m sorry, there’s really no way to say this delicately.

Lero lets out a defeated breath.

LERO

...If you look at Giger’s alien, you’ll see that it basically amounts to a penis-monster.  A humongous, slimy, penis-monster.  Blacker than the Devil’s soul… all the better to lurk in the darkness and shadows, until the moment is just right for it to leap out and kill you.  Or worse.

(pauses)

So I told the director all that, and she just loved it.  And that’s what we ended up making.  In essence, our Xenomorph looks kinda like a great black pirate cannon of a stallion’s part, set on four hoofed legs.  Maybe that sounds hilarious to hear me say it like that, but if you see the film for yourself, it’s still an eyeless horror, with that toothy-mouth-within-a-toothy-mouth thing, and the long stabby scorpion tail-thing… it really does work.

He begins flipping through the script.

LERO

Another thing worth mentioning that ol’ Ridley Scott didn’t have to worry about: we had to decide WHICH kind of pony our Xenomorph would gestate in.  Would it be a pegasus or unicorn?  Maybe combine the two somehow?  But the director shot that idea down.  Said that the whole horror genre was lousy with demonic alicorn-monsters, especially thanks to the legends about Nightmare Moon.  Plus, gotta leave ideas for the sequels, too, you know?  Flying and magic-using aliens would be another level of horror, especially if ponies thought they had Xenomorphs ‘figured out’ from previous encounters with them.  So Kane…

He breaks off.

LERO

And I hope you’ll forgive me for interrupting myself like this, but I give credit to the director on the names.  This wasn’t the same mare who’d made the Back To The Future film.  Lambert stayed Lambert, Dallas stayed Dallas… she didn’t feel the need to ‘ponify’ their names.  And I also told her about Sigourney Weaver, and how Alien was her first big role.  How because all her ‘big name’ co-stars like John Hurt and Tom Skerritt were dropping off like flies, until it was only lil’ unknown no-name HER remained, that added to the overall terror, because no one at the time expected Hurt and Skerritt to die… well, then the director went out and specifically cast an unknown mare to play Ripley as well.  The girl did a great job, too.

There are all sorts of notes scribbled in pen from several different editors in the old script.

LERO

But getting back to what I was talking about… we ended up casting an Earth Pony to play the part of Kane.  And that chest-burster… well, with a human, the stomach’s facing forward most of the time, but pony bellies are almost always facing the ground.  So we had him fall to his side in agony, and it kind of RIPS out of poor Kane’s gut like a can of soup in a sopping wet paper bag.  But the reason she wanted it to be an Earth pony was so they’d have to focus on what made our alien ALIEN.  Wings and magic are things ponies are used to.  Acid blood and headbites are a different story.  Plus, an Earth Pony alien would be strong and tough, still a terror even if not complex or unique.

He shuts the script.

LERO

One last thing I’ll say; I almost kinda thought that a penis-monster might not be as scary in a matriarchy like ponies have, where the girls outnumber the boys so much… but I was wrong.  If anything, Alien worked BETTER as a horror story here than it did back on Earth.  After all, you’d be hard-pressed to think up a more horrible pregnancy than a Xenomorph’s.

Question 3: Sweetolebob18 Asks:

Given how Rarity found out about her gem finding talent (episode 23 Cutie Mark Chronicles) would a Cloudsdale Rarity even know she could?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

As far as I know, Rarity the Weathermare doesn’t know she has the ability to uncover buried gems any more than Rainbow Dash the Caretaker knew she was a martial arts master.  And since it was a Cutie Mark Talent, and her mark is on someone else’s flank, I don’t even know if she could.  I honestly suspect the only reason she can do weather magic at all is because she’s got a cutie mark that is at least tangentially connected to weather.

Question 4: Warpd Asks:

Dear Mike:

Story has been long-running, but I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I have to ask, what do you intend to do after you finish this story?

MIKE TEAVEE

One thing I am definitely going to do: you know about Into The Hedge, right?  That one interquel of Divided Rainbow being written by BadWolf9510?  Bad Wolf is the main author, but I’m an important collaborator.  Assuming Into The Hedge is still incomplete by the time Divided Rainbow’s been fully written, I’m going to stick around and help Bad Wolf finish it the rest of the way!  After that… who knows?

Question 5: Kichi Asks:

Dear Spike,

Have you ever tasted meat and blood?  After all, maybe Lero or Twilight didn’t tell you, but dragons usually eat meat.

It’s morning and Spike is outside in a grassy area.

SPIKE

(a little hesitantly)

I’ve eaten my share of meat, yeah.  And not just seafood, either.  Lero’s taken me to griffin restaurants.  He likes his pork, but I’m a big fan of lamb meat.  But it actually IS true that dragons, especially the more ruthless, cave-dwelling types, can be rather… bloody eaters.  Our fangs and fire aren’t just for show, you know.

He observes a field mouse scampering across a field.

SPIKE

I actually went through a… a phase of sorts back when I first learned this for myself.  A hunting phase, I guess you could call it.  You might not know, but for the earliest part of my life, I grew up in Canterlot Castle, being raised by Princess Celestia. Right after I was born, Twilight was too young to care for me herself, and busy with her lessons besides!  But anyhow, it seems dragons become self-sufficient before they learn how to talk, learning how to hunt; mostly small mammals and insects it seems.  I’d hunt squirrels and such in a forest close to Celestia’s castle, and mice within the castle, itself, sometimes.  I, uh, think the groundskeeper still has me officially banned from the palace gardens after I caught something, uh, rare.  Thanks to my fire breath, I never ate anything I caught ‘raw,’ of course, but sometimes undercooked, I guess you could say.

Spike puffs out a bit of light smoke.

SPIKE

Princess Celestia gently reprimanded me for it, but I think she figured that a growing dragon probably needed it.  Remember, nopony really knows too much about dragons.  This continued up until one day when Twilight caught me at it, coming across me on the way to lessons.  I’ll never forget… first she had this look of horror, then forgiveness.  Like I was a cat who’d just nabbed a rat.  She took me back to Celestia, and we never said anything about it.  But I’ve never really hunted anything since then.

Question 6: Taffer Asks:

Dear Bellerophon,

If there was an Equestrian version of Back to the Future, is there perhaps an Equestrian version of The Bodyguard? It has a lot of things ponies should like romance, love, slow dancing in a country bar, songs, family, heroic rescues and Sapphire Shores would be perfect for Whitney Houston's role.  Please tell me it exists. Thank you.

LERO

Well… good news and bad news on that, Taffer.  Bad news: The Bodyguard ain’t been made yet here in Equestria.  Good news: it is on The List!

He opens a drawer and pulls out a piece of paper from a special envelope: it’s a list of Earth movies he wrote a while ago.

LERO

With that said, let me tell you about The List… how this all got started.  See, a couple years ago, I was at this party in Canterlot with Twilight Sparkle.  One of the ponies I talked to was this movie director, name of Sundance.  She asked whether they HAD movies in the Human World… and I got to talking about some of our best films.  The timeless stuff.  Suffice it to say, Sundance was very interested.  Straight-up offered to make an adaption of a ‘human movie.’ Just because the novelty value of an ‘Earth movie’ adaption, alone would at least put her in the world records.  Y’know, ‘First Director Ever To Adapt An Extraterrestrial Drama.’

Lero returns The List to its envelope.

LERO

But, y’know, in pretty much all things here in Equestria, I was, am, and always will be, humanity’s ambassador.  If I was going to have them adapt a movie of ours, I did not want it turning into a flop.  So I had to pick something with mass appeal.  I wanted our big Equestrian debut to be fairly family-friendly and have a happy ending. Something with a distinctly ‘human’ touch to it, that cast humanity in a good light, and would truly be new for an Equestrian audience, while not being too expensive for a filmmaker to produce.  I considered The Wizard Of Oz… but I mean, if I had one shot to showcase humanity… better to go for something more realistic than a pure fantasy.  In a land like Equestria, the ponies might walk away from The Wizard Of Oz thinking we actually have munchkins and winged monkeys on Earth or something!

He chuckles a bit.

LERO

Which was why I ultimately went with The Sound Of Music.

(smiles wistfully)

Mom loved that one.  I know all the lyrics by heart.

For a few distracted seconds, Lero starts humming the beginning of My Favorite Things, before remembering his listeners.

LERO

Anyway, that one was a REAL hit.  So more directors began getting interested in ‘human movies.’  And I thought to myself that it’d be a good idea to make a list of all the best movies I was capable of fully remembering, and try to write them out while they were still relatively fresh in my mind.  And as long as there were directors and producers willing to make these movies, I might as well get them made before it all faded away from my mind.  And so I made The List.  And lucky for everyone, The Bodyguard happens to be on it, a bit further down.  I’ll tell you about it once we get to making it!

Lero suddenly gives the readers a cocky grin.

LERO

You guys have no idea how rich I actually am, do you?

Question 6: Warpd Taunts:

Dear Honeydew trapped inside Exit Wound (you probably don’t have a lovely beach):

I haven’t had anything to say to you for a while, thought you had enough attention as it was, but it is so entertaining where you have brought yourself. When you made your list of things we have said to you, I noticed that the majority of those were mine. To have gotten under your skin so easily is quite amusing.

INNER HONEYDEW

Rrrrrrrrrrrrgggghhhhhh….

WARPD

Then the fire question, my my you are a fine example; though there is no putting out the flames you made. Little Dew you practically bathed yourself in alcohol before setting yourself on fire. Look at you now, your son cries out for a stranger who curses him, you are trapped in another’s body, and all bridges have been burnt to ash. All done by your hooves.

INNER HONEYDEW

Ggggggggghhhhhhhh….

WARPD

Just can't help but laugh.

Honeydew finds herself in an enclosure that is a hybrid of jail cell and indoors zoo enclosure.  Literally faceless pony prison guards are posted right outside her barred enclosure, deaf to everything she says.  Equally faceless human beings examine her from outside the bars, wandering in, perhaps snapping a picture or two, laughing or shouting indistinct words at her, and then moving on.

INNER HONEYDEW

I don’t belong here I don’t belong here I don’t belong here I don’t belong here I don’t belong here I don’t belong here I don’t belong here I don’t belong here I don’t belong here I don’t belong here I don’t belong here I don’t belong here I don’t belong here I don’t belong here I don’t belong here I don’t…!!!!

Question 8: Ausbrony Writes:

To my Dearest Twilight Sparkle

I just want you to know, never give up. Princess Celestia saw something in you something powerful and special. She sent you to Ponyville to discover Friendship and learn all the intricacies of it. Times can and will be difficult, especially when you add love into the mix. But you have precious loved ones and family by your side to help you and I know that you will be able to solve this puzzle.

Sent with Best Wishes

Flare Blitz~

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Awww… bless your heart!  Don’t you worry, Blitzy, even if it takes me a while, I intend to do Princess Celestia proud!  This whole experience has made me into a better mare, and it really HAS taught me loads about friendship that I would never have learned otherwise.  We’ve all become better ponies for it!

LERO

Even me!

SPIKE

And me too, I guess!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

I appreciate every one of my friends and my loved ones!  We’re gonna make it through!

FLARE BLITZ

P.S. My sources also tell that Rarity has a ticklish spot behind her left foreleg... Have fun~

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(mischievous grin)

Oh?  You mean THIS spot?

She gets to tickling behind Rarity’s left foreleg with magic.

RARITY

Hm, Twi...gahahahahaha… oh good...hoo...haa haa ahaah haaa…!!!!

Question 9: PhucknuckL Asks:

Dear Spike,

How did you discover the loophole for Applejack?

SPIKE

Loophole…?  Oh, THAT!  I just basically told AJ that she'd need to really freshen herself up for the sake of the customers.

Spike’s currently reshelving books in Golden Oaks Library.

SPIKE

You see, it's tricky enough for an Earth Pony to do things like give herself a hooficure to begin with.  And while there ARE devices that'd ultimately help a do-it-yourselfer Earth Pony get around this, so she could glam herself up entirely on her own... wouldn't you know it… all of those gadgets were mysteriously absent from what was originally an all-unicorn household.  Of course, I would’ve LOVED to help her myself on this -- really, I would -- but darn the luck, I’m just too much of a BOY to know how to do things like hooficures and makeup!  ‘Better get on over to the spa, where the professionals are!’ I told her.  ‘For the sake of the boutique’s customers, of course!’

The little dragon laughs at the old memories, but it finishes in a bittersweet sigh.

SPIKE

Hope you’re doing alright, AJ...

Question 10: Kichi Asks:

Dear Lero:

How much do you know about self-defense?

Lero is in Golden Oaks Library.  From the next room over, Spike can be heard washing dishes.

LERO

Honestly?  Not THAT much.  Part of it is… well, Equestria’s no Sin City, so I haven’t had to turn myself into Marv.  And I’m glad of that, frankly.  I’m not the sort of person who goes out of his way to pick fights, the way Honeydew did.  Don’t get me wrong, though.  Something seriously threatens me or my family or friends, and I will fight it. To the death, if need be.  We’ve mentioned before that Lyra’s planning on developing a martial arts style for me with the help of that one Brass Knuckles guy.  And especially in the wake of what happened with the Sicklefins… I can’t deny that I need to learn it.  Even Spike wants in on my lessons.

SPIKE

(calling from next room)

I’m two-legged!  I’ve got hands!  When the time comes, we should be learning this new jujitsu thingy from this minotaur guy together!

Lero grins, almost as though he’s halfway considering taking him up on that.

LERO

But all that’s next year.  Right at this moment in time… my ‘self-defense’ style is pretty much the same as Shaun’s from Shaun Of The Dead.  You know... grabbing something heavy and just whacking the threat with it until it stops moving.

Suddenly, Lero’s body sways, as though he’s experiencing a sense of dizziness.

LERO

Though… you all know that before I came to Equestria… I lived in a different sort of world for a time… a world I escaped from.  And there are… gaps... in my memory…

He sits down in a chair.  Then his eyes reopen.  From his usual hazel, they have turned icy blue. He faces the readers and speaks:

THE LOST

"Self-defense?"

The Lost laughs, a harsh and bitter sound.

THE LOST

That is a lie we tell ourselves. Defense, in its truest sense, is only half of a fight. We give it labels to make us feel better, to make sure our sense of morality is secure. We think that we are above conflict, that we would only act if we are acted upon.  It is a lie. Aggression. That is how you win. Some learn to use an opponent's movements against them, but in the end, it only through a truly finishing blow that we can claim victory.

The Lost gains a far-off, distant look in his eyes.

THE LOST

I have been schooled by warmasters that have had centuries of experience. They, in turn, learned from beings that know only conflict. Beings that... are not as we know.  Beings who embody the very idea of conflict and war. I have been in fights the like that have only existed in our oldest legends; waged wars that sagas were told around. I have killed... so many. Have ended... so many lives. All in... Her name. For Their plans.

The Lost's glare turns bitter.

THE LOST

So yes, I know many forms of 'self-defense'. Any so many more on how to kill. And I pray that I never, ever have to use them again.

The Lost spots a tiny spec of obsidian on a tabletop; a flake left over of one of Spike's special treats. He recalls the dark tunnels under the quarry. The wet sounds of a diamond dog's splattering against the rock walls.

THE LOST

But it always seems... I can never really escape it. It always comes back to surface...

Question 11: Kichi Asks:

To Herd Bellerophon:

What do you all usually do with the money? I mean, Lero must have a fortune with those movies he suggested.

With his hands tucked into his pockets, Lero tries his best to give a humble smile.

LERO

Well… not to put too fine a point on it, but… you’re not wrong.

KICHI

Twilight must get a nice stipend as the student of Princess Celestia and because she live in a public building, would have to pay almost nothing…

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(looking up from a book)

It does help!  One less bill to pay!

KICHI

Rarity must have a lot of money thanks to her job in the weather team.

RARITY

Well, I can’t rightly say I bring home the biggest salary in this family, but it’s reasonable!

KICHI

And Lyra well... Im not sure about Lyra…

LYRA

As far as money goes, I earn most it it by performing as a musician in concerts.

KICHI

Or RD...

RAINBOW DASH

(shyly)

I… um… I sometimes sell my animals to ponies who I know will give them good homes.  And sell my chickens’ eggs. Ponies also sometimes pay me to do veterinary work, or obedience training.

KICHI

What do you usually do with all that money?

SPIKE

(smirks a bit)

In other words: where’s the yacht?  And the gold-plated private island?

Twilight Sparkle shakes her head.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Ponyville is where my best friends live!  And Princess Celestia assigned me to stay here to study the magic of friendship, and I certainly can’t do that on some lonely island!

RARITY

We’re saving our money in preparation for all the little ones we’re going to be having someday!  Save up so they can attend the finest preparatory schools and universities!

LERO

...And to fund Star Wars.

RARITY

Er… yes.  And that one special movie series my prince plans on personally directing, someday…

LERO

(fiercely under his breath)

I’ll do it RIGHT, Lucas… I’LL actually do your whole epic RIGHT…!

Question 12: GavinFoxx Asks:

Herd Bellerophon:

I've recently noticed that Twilight has been getting more comfortable with casting spells that change the form of ponies somewhat, for things like gender and possibly species.  It occurs to me that consensual, limited, safe, targeted, intentional and temporary are incredibly, ridiculously useful!  Are you going to more broadly start using this sort of thing? Whether in Herd Bellerophon life or in Element Business?

The members of Herd Bellerophon are listening to this questioning intently.

LERO

Essentially, you’re asking us if our whole herd’s gonna become like Beast Boy from Teen Titans?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Like who?  And from what now?

LERO

I’ll explain in a bit.

GAVINFOXX

Because shape-changing and friendly-style (with lots of caveats and safeguards and trust, of course) mind changing is just so overpowered it isn't funny.

Lero turns to his herdmates.

LERO

You know, he has a point…

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well, shape-shifting magic is difficult, power-intensive, and potentially dangerous- the only reason I’m using it more often now is because I’ve been practicing for months as part of our efforts to have foals, as well as the fact that Starswirl’s book contains his notes towards shapeshifting magic.  That said, I’m listening...

GAVINFOXX

Need to do some task that is hard for ponies, like sneaking, since the bright colors and hard hooves aren't really good for camouflage or subtlety? Switch to a form better for it!

In the dead of night, a mean, gigantic scary dragon is peering through the forest trying to spot a certain pony with a bright cyan coat and rainbow mane.

Thankfully, Rainbow Dash has turned herself into a thestral, so she blends in well with the darkness.

GAVINFOXX

Need to brainstorm something? Do a spell that will make you a little bit more creative but less able to focus for an hour, in a distraction-free environment, to get useful ideas down on paper.

Twilight Sparkle is now a zebra.  She thinks a bit, then proceeds to write:

TWILIGHT SPARKLE THE ZEBRA

Zebra minds don’t work the same,

In many ways, as pony brains...

GAVINFOXX

Also, fingers and hands, even if they are from magical colorful arms sprouting from a pony's back!

Now Twilight Sparkle has magical colorful arms sprouting from her back.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Uh, I… think I’d rather stick with ‘established’ races, than try turning myself into a chimera.  Well, outside of established Chimeras.

She folds her hands behind her back.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(smaller voice)

...I feel so self-conscious like this, so wrong…

Discord appears and gives a wolf whistle.

DISCORD

Are you kidding?!  You’ve never looked better, Twilight!

GAVINFOXX

Also, WINGS, whether it is magic butterfly wings, magic feather wings, magic bat or dragon wings, even magic dragonfly wings, even if they aren't near as good as the real deal, and even if it doesn't come with the full 'pegasi can get by more easily on thinner air and don't worry about the cold as much and are less likely to be injured from high speed crashes and have a whole lot of miscellaneous air manipulation magic in the wings' thing, as long as it can get a pony aloft, it's still SO USEFUL!

The adults of Herd Bellerophon all stand on the same cloud, each one a different winged sapient.

ADULTS OF HERD BELLEROPHON

(ad lib)

C’mon, Spike!  You can do it!  Be brave!  We’ll catch you!

Spike has been transmogrified into a pegasus foal.  He looks down from his cloud, fearfully, at first, then leaps… and now he’s FLYING!

SPIKE THE PEGASUS FOAL

Whooo-hoo!  I’m doing it!  I’m doing it!

Then a tiny, fretful voice calls up to the family from ground level.

SCOOTALOO

What about me?!  What about me?!  Can’t ya give ME good wings?!?!

GAVINFOXX

I mean, Rarity, can you do the wing spell on your own yet?  Have any of you spent some time as Griffons?

Spike is just outside Golden Oaks library, doing a bit of gardening work on the front lawn; pulling weeds out of the grass.  He has been transformed in a griffin chick.

Then he looks up, watching a figure swoops down, flying a daredevil loop-the-loop just INCHES from the grass before landing on the ground!

It’s Rarity the griffin.  She recovers her breath with a happy smile.

RARITY THE GRIFFIN

That was so much fun!

SPIKE THE GRIFFIN

Hi, Rarity!

Spike drops his bag of pulled weeds and Rarity wraps her arms around him in a hug.

SPIKE THE GRIFFIN

That was an awesome landing!  I think you’re getting speedier!

RARITY THE GRIFFIN

I feel speedier, Spike!

She fans her wings for a second.

RARITY THE GRIFFIN

Truth be told, I don’t even MISS those silly cloud platforms!

SPIKE THE GRIFFIN

Could you teach me to fly like that?

RARITY THE GRIFFIN

(laughing, ruffling his head feathers)

When you’re ready, I’ll teach you and Scootaloo together!

She enters the library while Spike returns to gardening.  Inside, Lyra is playing her harp skillfully with her talons, while Twilight sits next to her, holding a book in her own claws with an awkward sort of frown.  She drops the book.

LYRA THE GRIFFIN

(while still playing)

Still having trouble?

Twilight picks her book back up.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE THE GRIFFIN

Not with my griffin fingers, if that’s what you’re thinking!  It’s just… this BEAK of mine!  It’s so BIG!  And weird-shaped!  Very distracting!

RARITY THE GRIFFIN

Hello, girls!

LYRA THE GRIFFIN

Hi!  How was work?

RARITY THE GRIFFIN

Lots of cloud-kicking was involved today!  Where’s Lero?

LYRA THE GRIFFIN

Upstairs, I think!

In his bedroom, Lero the Griffin wears white tennis shoes over his back lion paws, a casual button-down cotton shirt, from which his new set of wings jut out from.. and Rarity lingers at the door to watch his tail swish back and forth from the back of his jeans, as he hums to himself while working.

LERO THE GRIFFIN

(singing softly to himself)

This is Major Tom to Ground Control…

I’m stepping through the door

And I’m floating in a most peculiar way...

Specifically, he is working with a magically enchanted steam iron, ironing the wrinkles out his recently dried clothes on an ironing board.

Slyly, Rarity creeps up behind him.  When he sets his iron down safely for a second, Rarity claps her hands over his eyes.

RARITY THE GRIFFIN

Guess who?

LERO THE GRIFFIN

Ziggy Stardust?  Is that you?

Rolling her eyes, Rarity turns Lero around, hugging him.  There is a half-full plate of roasted dormice within arm’s reach.  She takes a mouse by its tail, dips it in a bowl of sauce, and feeds it to Lero, then eats one herself, very casually.

RARITY THE GRIFFIN

This is quite a handsome new shirt you’re wearing, my prince.

LERO THE GRIFFIN

Yeah!  I think I’m finally getting the hang of fitting my wings it at the back!

Her eyes glance over at a row of white shoes lined up inside Lero’s closet.   These shoes are all identical in design to the ones currently on Lero’s back lion paws… but they were made for very differently shaped legs.  Shoes for a minotaur’s hooves, shoes for a pony’s hooves… and at the very end, his old human shoes.

RARITY THE GRIFFIN

All the clothes you’ve been buying for yourself…

LERO THE GRIFFIN

I hope don’t mind.  I’ve really want to be prepared…

Slowly, sensually, she begins unbuttoning his shirt.  Her tail intertwines around Lero’s.

RARITY THE GRIFFIN

For whatever our Sparkle-kitten might turn us into into next, right?

She settles a taloned hand upon the feathery ruff of Lero's chest.

RARITY THE GRIFFIN

No, I don’t mind at all.  It just means that no matter what you happen to be...

She nestles her head by Lero’s ear, and whispers into it softly.

RARITY THE GRIFFIN

...I’m never denied the pleasure of unwrapping you.

Almost automatically, Lero’s talon finds the rainbow-lightning cutie mark on her body, first rubbing it, then cupping her leonine haunch firmly.  She purrs in a catlike way.  Finally, the passion peaks, and they lean in to kiss each others’ lips…

...Only these two griffons have somehow forgotten they don’t have lips anymore.  They got beaks.  And their beaks bang together harshly, with a comical hollow noise.

LERO & RARITY

Ouch!

At first, they cry out in pain.  Then they lean against each other, laughing it off.

GAVINFOXX

I'm just throwing ideas out, but hay, next time some terrible threat to Equestria comes out of the woodwork, having already gotten this stuff down and as part of your toolkit could save lives!

The Dark Lord Evilevil is causing havoc around Canterlot!  Even the elements of harmony seem to be unable to end his reign of terror.

DARK LORD EVILEVIL

Yes!  Burn!  Burn!  Not even the Elements can stop me!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(Exhausted and beat up, but with a smug grin.)

Yeah, except we don’t have to!

DARK LORD EVILEVIL

What foolishness are you talking about... OW!

Was that a small mosquito that’d pricked the back of his neck?  Lord Evilevil slaps at his neck, but the little bug flies away, up by a tree branch.

Squinting hard, Lord Evilevil sees that the ‘mosquito’ are actually a Flutterpony!  Specifically, Lyra Heartstrings, holding a tiny little needles, laced with some sort of greenish liquid.

DARK LORD EVILEVIL

I feel… sleeeeeeppppy….

The Dark Lord Evilevil collapses to the ground.

LYRA THE FLUTTERPONY

Whooo-hooo!  Score one world-destroying villain for me!

SPIKE’S VOICE

Great job!  Yeah!  You got ‘im good, Lyra!

Sweetie Belle pops her head out from where she’d been hiding, and looks at Spike in disbelief.  He now a purple-furred DIAMOND DOG PUP, somehow equally ugly as cute.  He catches sight of her staring eyes and stops wagging his tail.

SPIKE THE DIAMOND DOG PUP

D-don’t judge me!

Round Twenty-Seven: Birds, Bees, and Baby Dragons

Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Twenty-Seven: Birds, Bees, and Baby Dragons

Spoilers Up To Chapter 39

Question 1: Kichi Asks:

Lero: Did you ever give Spike "the talk"? I mean he is a baby dragon, does he really know what you do and the future if he go with AJ or Sweetie? Or what you and the others do in private?

Lero pauses, looking conflicted.  He starts to say something, but Spike stops him.

SPIKE

Let me answer this, please.

Lero shrugs and nods, and Spike walks away to the privacy of his own bedroom, and shuts the door.

SPIKE

No, nopony’s in my herd has ever officially, straight-up given me the birds-and-bees talk.  I think there’s probably several reasons for this.  First… Well, no one knows how dragon sex actually works.  Pony knowledge is still very restricted, due to how hostile and unfriendly dragons are.  Second… Well, I’m pretty sure they’re waiting for me to grow up.  Or at least, grow as tall as they are.  Even more to the point, actually show any interest in sex.   Look.  I know what you’re thinking  -  'I’m in love with Rarity and Applejack.'   Well… Yeah.  I love them.  I want to be near them, spend time with them, share happiness with them, protect them, take care of them.  It’s romantic.  Or at least, romantic as a dragon can be.  I genuinely don’t know if what I feel is the same thing that ponies feel when they talk about love.  Maybe it’s just an extension of hoarding instinct.  We really don’t know.

He shifts from foot to foot.

SPIKE

As for sex itself…  Well, Twilight has books on Pony biology, and she doesn’t exactly hide them.  Not to mention, while they’re not exhibitionist, Pony society isn’t exactly secretive when it comes to sex- nothing like what Lero’s told me about humans.   It’s just not practical for them to be that way, even if they want to.  And I won’t name names, but there are a couple of pervy foals my age who’ve looked into it more than I care to right now, and are willing to share their findings with anypony in earshot.

He shrugs.

SPIKE

So I do know the mechanics of the act.  And, well…   I’ve heard things.  And I’ve seen things.  The adults in my herd try to keep things out of sight, but well, I have errands all over the house, and sometimes I stumble across things.   And, well, some of my herd really aren’t that quiet when they…  when the mood hits them.  And it’s not always possible to send me out of the house ahead of time.   But back to the point-  I’m not really interested in doing that sort of thing, yet.  I guess I really am a baby, no matter how smart or mature I am!

Question 2: Warpd Asks:

Berry Punch: Congrats on your victory. Who was in second?

BERRY PUNCH

Pinkie Pie.  She’s got quite the alcohol tolerance!  I can tell by the way she drinks; this hasn’t been the first big party she’s been to!  As a second place prize, we ended up giving her a voucher for my own store.  Good for 100 bits.

Question 3: Warpd Asks:

Madame Amethyst: So is fortune telling your primary job or do you do other things on the side?

AMETHYST

I work as both a theater actress and an usherette in my daily life.  Fortunetelling’s just a neat side hobby I like to do for parties.

Question 4: Kichi Asks:

Discord: Did you travel in a dimension that had a good Discord and an Evil Fluttershy?

DISCORD

All the ponies you know to be heroes in this particular world... certainly, there ARE parallel universes where they took darker paths.  But when I was touring dimensions with Fluttershy, I didn’t take her to see any of THOSE rotten Equestrias!  Just the purely friendly ones.  The fun ones! After all, I meant it to be an enjoyable vacation for us both.  I mean, you don’t go to a war zone just to have a good time!

At that point, Discord pulls out a strange can of pet food, holding it in his palm.

DISCORD

Unless maybe you’re like this little jerk.

Suddenly, the pet food can in his palm hops around angrily!

DIRE EMPRESS FLUTTERSHY, SCOURGE OF GOODNESS

Just you wait until I get freed of this confinement!  Just you wait!  All hope and kindness will wither into nothingness, all..!

He shakes the can around like it was a protein shake, but does not open it.

Question 5: Kichi Asks:

Spike: Did you try to eat Moon Stones or Meteorites?

SPIKE

I’ve had both!  I’ve eaten meteorites three different times.  Two of them were gifts from Celestia, while the last one was a gift from Twilight.  All three of them tasted completely different from each other… I guess because they originated from different ends of the galaxy!  My favorite meteorite was the second one.

Spike goes into his room, and pulls out a secret stash of moon rocks.

SPIKE

I’ve been given moon rocks once, after Princess Luna became friends with me.

He pops one in his mouth.

SPIKE

You’re not gonna believe this, but to a dragon’s tongue, moon rocks taste no different than mozzarella cheese.  Go figure!

Question 6: Warpd Asks:

Dear Princess Celestia and Princess Luna; Purely hypothetical of course, as usual, but say if Star Swirl had never made the swap spell at all. How different would the world be?

The two princesses grin at each other but are already a bit overwhelmed by the scope of this question.

PRINCESS LUNA

Oh my…

PRINCESS CELESTIA

The phrase ‘where to even begin?’ Was made for moments like this.

PRINCESS LUNA

Well… I would never have had cause to transform into Nightmare Moon…

PRINCESS CELESTIA

I never would have had to use the Elements of Harmony against my sister…

PRINCESS LUNA

Both of us would probably still be the ones wielding the Elements of Harmony at this point in time...

PRINCESS CELESTIA

I would never have had need to take Twilight Sparkle under my wing and guide her towards using the Elements of Harmony against Nightmare Moon, so Twilight would never have been a part of my life…

PRINCESS LUNA

And very likely, there would’ve been a lot more ponies alive today, since we would not have had all that unfortunate spell of civil unrest.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

So… yes…

There is a stretch of silence between the sisters.

PRINCESS LUNA

Sister, do you think Lero would still have…?

PRINCESS CELESTIA

Hmm?  Lero?  Well, Lero would still have crossed over into our world, but it’s possible he might’ve had a different set of ponies there to greet him.  Or who knows?  Swap or no Swap, perhaps he’d still have still fallen in love with Rainbow Dash, though she wouldn’t have been the Bearer of Loyalty.

Question 7: Kichi Asks:

To Lero: You know if the New RD still likes Daring Do?

During a quiet home moment, Lero’s sitting next to Rarity, who’s reading the latest Daring Do book excitedly.

Rainbow Dash walks by her.

RARITY

Oh, Rainbow, darling!

RAINBOW DASH

Yes, Rarity?

RARITY

You simply MUST read this masterpiece after I’m done!  Right now, I’m at a part where Daring’s stumbling through a labyrinthine temple loaded with traps, being stalked by a cannibalistic cult that’ve already feasted on two of her traveling companions… oh!  And she’s stolen this idol from them, but doesn’t yet realize that it’s slowly turning her into a bloodthirsty demon!

Rainbow Dash’s ears flatten back at this description.  Her teeth chatter and her knees knock together.

RAINBOW DASH

S...s... sounds n-n-nightmarish…

RARITY

Oh, it’s a MUST-read!  I’ll be sure to lend it to you once I’m done with it!

Rainbow Dash high-tails it out of the room, deeply shaken.  Lero turns towards us.

LERO

(whispers to us)

Rainbow Dash has NONE of her old taste in books anymore.  Nowadays, she prefers reading nonfiction books on animals and Jane Austen-style romance novels.  Daring Do stories are a bit too… high-intensity for her, these days.  It's the Fluttershy part in her.

Question 8: Kichi Asks:

Discord: Do you have your own house or do you live only with Celly and RD?

Discord laughs.

DISCORD

House?  I live in my own dimension.  Sometimes it’s a house, sometimes it’s a palace, sometimes it’s an igloo, sometimes it’s a game show set, or a void of nothingness, or a chaotic nexus that man nor pony was meant to know, or a police academy, or a kangaroo, oftentimes, it’s a combination of many different things.

He chuckles.

DISCORD

Although the idea of living with Celly and Dashie as roomies is VERY cool-sounding, well… Rainbow’s already got a home of her own, and Celly… well, she and me living under the same ‘roof’ would be quite the sitcom, wouldn’t it?

Question 9: FanOfMostEverything Asks:

To whom it may concern,  How are the Sicklefins reacting to Exit's alteration?

Exit Wound’s aunt, Entrance Wound, looks out with a flat expression.

ENTRANCE WOUND

Exit Wound has brought shame on the Sicklefin name.  The nuthouse is where she belongs.  And no one else in my organization has a different opinion if they’re smart.

Question 10: Warpd Asks:

Lero and Twilight: One of the things I would say could be identified with the swap is that it is self destructive. It is very easy to point out to the swap individual that they are living the wrong life and thus go crazy. Is this spell malicious as well?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

There’s no question that self-destructiveness is a hallmark of the Swap.  But even after talking with Fluttershy about her experiences as a Swapped pony… even after hearing her repeat to me, word-for-word, the specific compulsions it implanted in her head… I still don’t know whether ‘malicious’ is truly the right word. For it to be ‘malicious,’ pain and suffering, in themselves, would have to be the Swap’s true objectives.  And that just doesn’t seem to be the case.  It’s… more like a small child, determinedly attempting to hammer a square peg in a round hole, heedless of the damage it causes to the peg or the hole.  I don’t think it even understands the concepts of pain and suffering.

She sighs.

LERO

Malice or no malice, though, it’s definitely a tyrannical little dictator.

Ground Rules And First Round

Hi, everyone!  Mike Teavee here, great to see you all, and thanks for tuning into Divided Rainbow!  (At least... I hope you've had a chance to read Divided Rainbow before coming here.  Otherwise, you're probably going to do a lot of head-scratching the further along you read.)

Since the whole 'Ask A Pony,' craze seems to be the big 'in thing' for bronies to do, I figured 'Why not?' and threw my hat into the ring to try it for myself and see what all the fuss was about.

Thus: Ask the Swapped Ponies!  As long as you guys keep asking enough questions, we'll keep answering them! But first, let's set some ground rules!

ONE:  'ASK THE SWAPPED PONIES' IS ACTUALLY A LITTLE BIT OF A MISNOMER...

...But a fun one; one that works in all you questioning questioners' favor!  In the same way TV Tropes is not excluded to television, Ask The Swapped Ponies is not excluded to the Swapped Five. Oh, by all means, ask the Swapped whatever you please!  But you're ALSO free to ask questions to Lero, or Twilight Sparkle, or Spike or Apple Bloom or Discord or other characters, (once they appear in this story.  As of this writing, we're up to Chapter 10 with 11 on the way, and we HAVEN'T exposed you to the ENTIRE cast!) or even me, myself; Mike Teavee!

In fact, it might be more efficient to list the character who WON'T be answering your inquiries:

1)  Princess Celestia: Her Glorious Solar Majesty of Equestria is aware that her popularity's taken a nosedive ever since sending a particular incomplete spell to Twilight Sparkle, which very nearly resulted in the wholesale ruination of her faithful student's happiness, sanity and personal life.  (Not to mention putting the world at risk by scrambling the brains of 5 out of 6 of Equestria's brave first-line defenders.)

As such, the Princess has opted not to take questions from persons who would just as soon see Twilight, Lero, and the rest of the Element Bearers put her down like Old Yeller.  We here at Ask The Swapped Ponies have chosen to respect Her Highness' wishes.

2)  Princess Luna:  As a show of solidarity with her sister.

3)  Star Sparkle:  Between traveling to exotic locales, drinking, and getting it on with fine-looking mares, Star's not the best mail correspondent.  You're welcome to try, though.  Who knows?  You may get lucky!

TWO:  POST YOUR QUESTIONS DIRECTLY INTO THE COMMENTS BOX.

Please be sure you specify which character you're addressing the question to, (otherwise we won't know WHO the answerer should be.)  You're also free to ask a question to an entire group, (such as all five of the Swapped, or Lero, Twilight, and Spike.  As long as you spell out WHO the question is meant for.)

THREE:  THIS IS A SPOILER-FREE ASK SITE.

We reserve the right to deflect, stonewall, and pretend certain questions had not even been asked in the first place, especially if they pertain to important spoilers to the Divided Rainbow storyline, or are disrespectful in tone.

...Well, I think that about covers it!  Let's open the floor to some questions!  Ask away!

**Question 1:* WolfeTrax Asks:*

Are they aware of their swap when they answer the questions? Or not?

RAINBOW DASH

Huh?  Swap?

Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy all look at each other blankly.

RAINBOW DASH

What's this about a swap?  What's this guy talking about?

APPLEJACK

Not ta be disrespectful or nothing, but it sounds ta me like this feller's been eatin' some of the same bad grass that Twilight must've ate the night after them vandals busted mah door!

FLUTTERSHY

Ooh!  Speaking of swaps, stop me if you've heard this one, girls!  Okay, so there's this wife and she's reading a newspaper while having breakfast with her husband.  "Listen to this!" she says.  "Some stallion tried to swap his wife for a season ticket to the hoofball stadium!"  They both burst out laughing, and the wife says, "You wouldn't swap me for a season ticket, would you?"  And the husband says, "No way!  Season's more than half over!"  Ha ha ha ha ha!!!

**Question 2:* SpinelStride Asks:*

Dear Swapped Rarity: How do you look in a Wonderbolts uniform?

At first, Rarity looks a bit hesitant, but then finally smiles diffidently.

RARITY

Well... I normally don't show this off to just anypony... but you have such a kind, trustworthy face...

She goes into her bedroom and shuts the door.  A few minutes later, she reemerges in the outfit, fluttering her gossamer wings.

RARITY

I don't think there's a single pony who was born and raised in Cloudsdale -- the way I was -- who hasn't dreamed of flying with the Wonderbolts.  At least once in their life, anyway.  I was certainly no exception.  But of course, conjured wings don't count for much with the Bolts.  It's probably just as well, though.  Their admittance standards are stringent enough for those with natural-born wings.  Who knows how hard I'd've pushed myself if...

She lets that thought trail away.

RARITY

It's strange, though... I gave up on becoming a Wonderbolt very early on, as soon as I understood that I'd never actually have a chance with them.  I should've grown out of this silly phase ages ago.  And yet... here this uniform is, in the back of my closet.

She smiles at you.

RARITY

At least I look good in it, wouldn't you say?

**Question 3:* SpinelStride Asks:*

Dear Spike: Seriously, dude, try to talk Twilight into mind-swapping you with Lero until Rarity has her head on straight. Then at least you'd love the mare you really love and Rainbow Dash's displaced love would be double-misplaced onto a gladly willing target. Or is the death glare she'd give you not worth the effort?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

No way, Spike!

SPIKE

But this could be my one and only chance to be with her in SOME way!  PLEASE, Twilight!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

I absolutely will not do anything of the sort!

Poof!  Discord suddenly appears.

DISCORD

But I will!

Spike pumps his fist.

SPIKE

Awww, yeah!

LERO

What?!  No!  Discord, I already said I didn't want...!

But Discord just leans in closer, locking his hypno-gaze upon the human and dragon, whose eyes go all swirly, until...

SWAPPED SPIKE

Oh my God!  I'm naked!

SWAPPED LERO

Oh my gosh!  I'm clothed!

As Swapped Spike dashes out of the room, Swapped Lero strips off all his clothes.

SWAPPED LERO

Whew!  That's better!

RARITY

I'll say!

Rarity's suddenly there, waggling her eyes at Lero, who waggles back.  Twilight watches this all in stunned dismay.  Spike reenters the room with a towel tied around his body, toga-style.  He scowls and points at Lero, tail thumping the ground in anger.

SWAPPED SPIKE

You!  You'd better have a DAMN good explanation why all my clothes now look like they're meant to fit your body!

The naked human shrugs.

SWAPPED SPIKE

I don't know WHAT kind of prank you're trying to pull, but it's gone far enough!  Go to your bedroom!

RARITY

(lasciviously)

Well, Lero, you heard him!

They race up the stairs.  Spike and Twilight are appalled to hear tickling and giggling behind the upstairs bedroom.

SWAPPED SPIKE

Hey!  Hey!

He runs up after them, hammering on their locked door.

SWAPPED SPIKE

Stop that right now!

They just keep at it; tickling and giggling.  He runs back down to the shell-shocked Twilight.

SWAPPED SPIKE

Do something!  I know Rarity's not right in the head, but this is cradle-robbing!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(incredulous)

"Cradle-robbing?"

SWAPPED SPIKE

Yeah!  He's only a BABY human!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Uh... no, Spike.  The one thing I'm sure he's NOT is a 'baby human.'

SWAPPED SPIKE

Come on, Twilight!  You know it hasn't been THAT many years since you hatched Lero from his egg!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(slowly)

Spike?  Lero... is... a... mammal.

SWAPPED SPIKE

(after a long bit of thought)

I've been swapped, haven't I?

Twilight nods.

**Question 4:* SpinelStride Asks:*

Dear Lero: Which do you prefer, wings or stake? No, that's not misspelled, and it's not talking about dietary preferences.

Spike is on one of Twilight's reading couches in the library.  For lack of a better outfit that fits him, he's dressed as a pirate captain: an old Nightmare Night costume of his.  As the noises of Rarity and Lero's tickling gets louder, he shuts the door, and takes another draw from his bottle of beer.  Twilight sits next to him with her own bottle of beer.

SWAPPED SPIKE

(turns towards us)

I suppose I ought to be the one to answer this, seeing as how I'm now the one who's... who's holding Lero's soul and memories and all.  I'm not REALLY the dragon I think I am.

Spike lets out a beer belch.

SWAPPED SPIKE

(flat-toned)

'Wings or stake,' huh?  Well, pal, since you're curious to know whether I go more for unicorns or pegasi... let me remind you that I enjoy both.  I remember when everything was sane... I had just as much fun with Rainbow Dash as I did with Lyra and Twilight.  The four of us were all at it for days on end whenever the heat struck.

Next to him, Twilight shudders, and downs her own bottle.

SWAPPED SPIKE

(miserable, near tears)

Poor, poor Dash.  All alone with all those nasty animals.

Sighing, Spike puts his beer bottle in the trash bin, and hops off the couch.

SWAPPED SPIKE

Well, Twi, think I'll be hitting the hay.  Don't stay up too late now, okay?  I'll keep the bed warm for you.

He rises onto his tiptoes, places his hands on her cheeks, and kisses her full on the lips.

SWAPPED SPIKE

Love ya, babe.

He leaves the room.  Twilight looks like she's about to have another episode of hers.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

First Rarity, now Spike, first Rarity now Spike firstRaritynowSpike... who's next?  Shining Armor?  Princess Celestia?  My birth-mother?!

**Question 5:* SpinelStride Asks:*

Dear Pinkamena: Since bucking doesn't seem to be working so well, have you tried using some other source of percussive force? Some sort of cannon, perhaps?

We're at Sweet Apple Acres, staring at a lone apple tree.

KABOOM!  CRASH!

A cannonball shoots through the tree, severing it at the trunk.  It crashes to the forest floor, leaving only a stump.   Pinkie Pie chuckles vindictively as she loads a new iron ball into her Civil War-era cannon.

PINKIE PIE

Ah TRIED being gentle.  Ah TRIED to just knock yer fruit off yer branches with mah soft lil' kicks, but that just weren't GOOD enough anymore, were it?!  Naw, ya'll went 'n' made me bring out the BIG GUNS!

She fires her cannon again -- BOOM! -- Another tree goes down!

GRANNY SMITH

Pinkamena Diane Pie!!!

Pinkamena looks over her shoulder, past the great orchard of felled apple trees and barren stumps, at the faraway figure of her 'grandmother.'

PINKIE PIE

What's up, Granny?

**Question 6:* SpinelStride Asks:*

Dear Discord: As long as things are off-kilter anyhow, can you give Rainbow Dash an outlet where she can put aside Fluttershy's shyness and enjoy the spotlight for a while? She could dance, in a white polyester leisure suit, say. Bring more Disco RD into the world!

It's exactly as SpinelStride describes it.  A mirror ball shines over the party hall, and everyone's out on the dance floor: Discord, Rainbow Dash, and all her animals.  On top of her white polyester leisure suit, Dash has styled her mane and tail into rainbow afros, as has Discord.  For just this night, all the critters' bitterness and enmity towards Dash has been set aside, as they surround Dash and Discord who sing and dance and bop to the beat, clapping their paws and talons to the funkadelic beat that Angel Bunny the DJ plays.

RAINBOW DASH & DISCORD

Youtube Video

Now everybody move!

Get a little something got to do!

So better believe in...!

-- Better believe in! --

....Better believe in yourself!

Now everybody move!

Get a little something got to do!

So better believe in...!

-- Better believe in! --

....Better believe in yourself!

**Question 7:* Warpd Asks:*

Rarity: What drew you to the strange human?

RARITY

Initially?  Well, there were a couple things that first drew me to my prince.  The first was his kindness.  I'd see him when I was walking around town on my weather patrols, always doing his best to help ponies, and work hard, and make a good name for himself.   There wasn't a soul he wasn't nice to.

She sighs in fond remembrance.

RARITY

The second -- and I hope I don't come across as condescending when I say this -- was the fact that he was such a fish out of water.  The poor dear would be making faux pas after faux pas, all around town.  Sometimes, ponies would laugh at him.  Other times, they found him startling.  After a while, between observing his acts of kindness, and observing each faux pas of his... I finally just had to take the dear under my wing.  And this was all long before any sort of romance or erotic interest even began to blossom between us.

Rarity yawns tiredly.

RARITY

Perhaps, someday, I might tell you the story in full, but for now... I must turn in.  Lots of weather to see to, tomorrow.  I'm sure you understand.

END OF ROUND ONE

Round Three: Lero's Lyrafication; Lyra's Lerofication

Round Three: Lero's Lyrafication; Lyra's Lerofication

Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Three:  Lero's Lyrafication, Lyra's Lerofication

Spoilers Up To Chapter 11

Twilight Sparkle is out on the street, shining a gigantic Bat-Signal-sized searchlight over the full moon.  The silhouette of Tommy Wiseau’s face overshadows it.

DISCORD

You rang?

Discord drops next to Twilight, on top of a giant rubber platypus.  Without a word, Twilight leads the draconequus into her house, and up to her bedroom.  She flings the covers off the bed, exposing the sleeping Spike and Lero.

Swapped Spike has a pair of briefs on him.  Swapped Lero wears nothing.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

YOU made this mess, so YOU fix it!

DISCORD

(sighs)

Fine.

Discord snaps his fingers.  The still-sleeping Spike pulls his briefs off his body, while Lero rises up, sleepwalking over to his underwear drawer.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Now, uh... about my OTHER friends...

Discord sticks his tongue out.

DISCORD

YOU made that mess, so YOU fix it!

And he disappears.  Twilight sighs.

Question 1:Zontargs Asks:

Dear Twilight: Princess Celestia has given you many mysterious tests and missions over the years, and you always seem to pull things off even when she doesn't give you all the information you'd really need. Have any of them ever turned out badly? (Smarty Pants doesn't count.)

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well, there WAS this one time where the Princess put me in charge throw a  party for her good friend, the Countess Gorgeous Ribbon.  It would’ve gone SO WELL, if only the Princess had thought to mention how deathly allergic the Countess is to arugula.

Twilight hangs her head.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(soft murmur)

Tongue swelled up like a balloon... filled her whole mouth... Had to rush her to the hospital, right away... still, it was MY fault, not the Princess’... I’m the one who should’ve asked about allergies...

Question 2:SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Lyra: Have you asked Lero about human-style martial arts?

LYRA

Hey, Lero!  I was curious... do humans have their own martial arts styles?

LERO

Ha ha ha!  Absolutely, we do!  All kinds of martial arts!  We have styles like karate, judo, tae kwon do, aikido, CQC, ninjitsu, jujitsu... even a fun one called the Drunken Fist Style!  And just off the top of my head.

Deeply intrigued, Lyra settles down on her haunches.

LYRA

Fascinating!  Tell me more, please.  Like... what distinguishes the aikido style from that of jujitsu?

LERO

Uh... um.... ehhh... don’t quote me on this, but I think Drunken Fist style requires you to get drunk first.

LYRA

Really?  In my experience, drunks can be dangerous enough, but they make for some of the sloppiest, most uncoordinated combatants a fighter could face.

LERO

............uh...........

Question 3:SpinelStride Comments:

Dear Lyra: If you are considering creating a new form for Lero to learn for self-defense against pony opponents, I recommend calling it 'Screaming Monkey Style' or 'Active Path' depending on whether Lero can be convinced to let out Tarzan yells when he uses it

LYRA

Well... here’s the thing, I actually DO wish to develop a martial art style for Lero to learn.  And Lero, himself, is just as excited by the idea.  But being a quadruped and a magic user, I simply do not feel confident enough that I can be the one to teach him.  At least, not by myself!

A bearded and extra-burly minotaur in his middle ages steps into view, standing beside Lyra.

LYRA

Here’s the thing; when there’s something about Lero that we, his herdmates, are struggling to figure out, Twilight Sparkle will dive for the primate books.  However, I prefer to consult the minotaur books... or better yet, a real-life minotaur friend.  Minotaurs, when you get right down to it, are the closest analogue to humans our world has... far more so than any ape.

Both Lyra and the minotaur smile.

LYRA

Minotaurs are bipedal, omnivorous, sapient, and what’s more, they have hands just like Lero’s.  So with that said, please allow me to introduce a very dear friend and colleague of mine: Brass Knuckles, grandmaster of the Red Cape Path.

Brass Knuckles takes a respectful bow.

BRASS KNUCKLES

Greetings.

LYRA

Next year, our entire herd is planning on taking a sabbatical to Brass’ dojo, at the summit of Mt. Longhorn.  Between Brass’ knowledge of bipedal combat, and my knowledge of Lero, we’re confident that we can form a good unarmed fighting style that he can fall back on, and hopefully enjoy learning!

BRASS KNUCKLES

It will be a worthy challenge, customizing a style for this human to learn!

LYRA

As for ‘Screaming Monkey Style’ or ‘Active Path,’ we’ll leave the  naming for after we develop the style.

Question 4:SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Lyra: Does the Still Way include non-magical combat elements that would enable a Still Way grandmaster to effectively fight a magically-resistant opponent?

BARON EVILLY MCVILLAINGUY

Ha ha ha ha!  Like the new armor I’m wearing, Lyra?!  Thanks to this Defictionalizer Gun, I phased it into existence straight from this comic book!  It’s magic-repelling armor, so all your super-special Still Way spells will bounce off me and back onto you!  You may as well surrender now!

Lyra bends herself downward, performing a full circle floor sweep kick, knocking the Baron onto his back, then stamps down mercilessly on his gonads.

LYRA

It’s a poor martial arts style that relies on just one body part to attack and defend herself, instead of her entire body. Even if that body part IS the horn.

Question 5:SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Twilight: In the hypothetical event that the effort to find a cure resulted in Lero being temporarily ensconced in unicorn form (let's say into Lyra's body, and she into his), how long do you think it would take you to teach Lero to use his magic at the level of at least an ordinary unicorn's everyday usage? That is, able to readily manipulate objects with a telekinetic field, without any 'signature spells' like Rarity's gem-finding spell. Also, what would your teaching style be?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Okay, Lero... Lyra... from what I can gather, it seems that instead of an Identity Swap, like what Rainbow Dash and Rarity have got, you two have something a little bit different ... a straight-out Body Swap.

LYRA-AS-LERO

Why am I even here?!  We’ve just released Chapter Twelve at this point in time!  According to Mike Teavee’s story outline, I’m not even scheduled to arrive at Ponyville until Chapter F...!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Don’t worry about that, Lyra.  Er... Lero.  This whole scene we’re now in is not so much a part of Divided Rainbow canon as an artificial ‘if’ construct to answer some reader’s hypothetical question.  So the main story’s continuity is safe and secure.

LYRA-AS-LERO

That’s a relief!

LERO-AS-LYRA

Never mind that!  I’m a... I’m a... am I really a GIRL now?!  Am I a ‘her?’  A ‘she?’

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Afraid so, Miss Mare.  My bad.

LERO-AS-LYRA

AARRRGGGHHH!!!  Swapping’s confusing enough when everyone’s the same sex!  Now we’re throwing gender and gender identity into the mix!

The unicorn, (who doesn’t have a cutie mark) breaks down crying, while the human nuzzles her cheek.

LYRA-AS-LERO

There, there, Fingers.  At least we know who we’re supposed to be.

LERO-AS-LYRA

‘Fingers...’ that nickname isn’t even RIGHT for me any more!

LYRA-AS-LERO

Would you rather I call you ‘Horny?’

LERO-AS-LYRA

I’ll stick with Fingers.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well, until I find a way to fix THIS muck-up as well, you’re going to have to learn how to get along with a horn instead of hands.

Twilight levitates several HEAVY textbooks over, and plops them in front of Lero the unicorn.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

You can start by reading these.

LERO-AS-LYRA

(aghast)

ALL this?!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Research first, then practical application!  That’s the only proper way to learn!  Call me when you’ve finished!

The purple unicorn trots out of the room.  The first book has fallen open.  Lero reads a page with growing incomprehension.

LERO-AS-LYRA

“Cellular structure of the...” -- how do you pronounce this word?

Lero tries turning a page with a hoof: no good.  She then attempts using her horn like a finger; and looks incredibly silly.  Finally, she tries biting down on the bottom of the page to turn it that way... but bites too hard and ends up tearing the page halfway off.

LERO-AS-LYRA

Oh no!

LYRA-AS-LERO

Hey, Lero?  How do you lift your leg?

LERO-AS-LYRA

What do you mean?  You just think about lifting your leg and it lifts.

LYRA-AS-LERO

Alright.  Now I want you to close your eyes.  Just imagine reaching out and turning the page of that book in a pitch-black room.

Lero does as instructed.  Her eyes snap open as the sound of the page being turned.  Wide-eyed, he flips through the whole book using only his telekinetic field.

LERO-AS-LYRA

Whooooooooaaaa, COOOOOOOOL!

Giggling like a child, Lero encases the entire book in her telekinetic field: lifting it up, bringing it down, then floating it 360 degrees around her head.

LYRA-AS-LERO

(smiling)

Now let’s go outside, little filly.  I’ll show you how we unicorns bounce a ball!

Lero skips after Lyra.

LERO-AS-LYRA

Yay!  Ball-bouncing!  I’m way more excited about this than I have any right to be as an adult!

Question 6:SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Fluttershy: What did the mare say to her tail when she went into heat? "Take a hike." What does it mean when Pinkie's thighfur twitches? Someone's about to go down on her. What did Spectrum Blitz say when his five mares went into heat and he could only handle four? "This needs to be about 20% cooler." Ahem. So! Thought about adding more risqué material?

FLUTTERSHY

Oh?  You want risqué?  I GOT risqué!

Fluttershy clears her throat demurely, then takes a deep breath.

FLUTTERSHY

What’s long and hard and has cum in it?   A cucumber!  What’s the difference between being horny and being hungry?  Where you put the cucumber!   What do dogs and nearsighted gynecologists have in common?  Wet snouts!  What do those same gynecologists also have in common with pizza delivery ponies?  They can smell it, but they can’t eat it!    What do you call a teenage filly who doesn’t masturbate?  A liar!  How is a vagina like the weather?  Once it’s wet, it’s time for you to come in!  What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?  Your job never stops sucking!

Question 7:SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Fluttershy: Have you thought about making some marshmallow-filled Cupcakes?

Within a kitchen that’s got blood splatters all over the walls, floor, and oven, Fluttershy brings a large silver platter full of cupcakes to a table.  The cupcakes are decorated in white-and-purple icing, each topped with a candy likeness of a certain rainbow-bolt cutie mark.

Fluttershy takes one of these cupcakes and bites it in half: showing its gooey, marshmallowy insides, as well as burnt fur and small shreds of meat.  Then she casts a deranged smile at a cold, limp, figure laying on a countertop in a pool of red liquid.

FLUTTERSHY

Hey, Rarity!  What’s the difference between best friends and onions?  I cry when I cut up onions!  AH HA HA HA HA!!!!

MIKE TEAVEE (V.O)

This scene was brought to you from an alternate universe in which Lero Michaelides managed to properly prove to Fluttershy, (while she was still swapped) that she wasn’t actually supposed to be the Element of Laughter.

Question 8:Genesis1212 Asks:

Dear Twilight,

Whenever Lyra returns home do you plan on her helping you out with research on the cure your working on? true your the only one who can perform the spell but surely there must be SOME way to help speed the process up two head ARE better then one after all.

(Insert smiley face here.)

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

First step is to see how well Lyra acclimatizes to our new ‘living arrangements’ with Rarity.  There’s no way of telling until she’s actually here.  Then I’m pretty much going to play it by ear.

She magically draws a smiley face back at Genesis.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Sorry I can’t give you a better answer than that.

Question 9:Genesis1212 Asks:

Dear Mike,

Seeing as this is a great story you've written in the Leroverse I have a curious question nagging at me; is this your first time writing a fanfic? and if so why write your first story in the Leroverse?

Mike Teavee swivels around from his laptop.

MIKE TEAVEE

Actually, Genesis, yes, this is the first fanfic of my very own, although I have had experience editing and proofreading those of others.  As to why my first story should be set in the Xenoverse... it’s because I’m fascinated by the Xenoverse.  The polygamy, the matriarchal society, the view into the physiology and psychology of the sapient ponies, Lero's altruism, and the love that Lero shares and inspires in every member of his herd.  And when I started envisioning how the Magical Mystery Cure episode would actually PLAY OUT in the Xenoverse... well, this storyline basically wrote itself.

Mike takes a sip of his energy drink.

MIKE TEAVEE

Furthermore, the Xenoverse was the perfect setting for a story such as this because both its readers and writers LOVE to explore subjects from polygamy to equine biology from EVERY POSSIBLE ANGLE.  And that’s how I wanted to present and examine the Swap: from EVERY POSSIBLE ANGLE.  Not simply the comedic aspects alone... but the hardship, heartache, and headache... as well as the potential for something more besides.  Of the strong turning weak and the weak turning strong.   Of navigating through foggy ethics and moral quagmires.  Of nothing being easy.  Of staying true to old loved ones.  Of finding the room in your heart for new loved ones, even if you’re not entirely sure you should.  The exploration of friendship and family, loyalty and altruism, adaption and steadfastness, perseverance and endurance, love and devotion when everyone’s roles are suddenly exchanged.  I hope you all continue to enjoy it.

Round Four: Best Cord

Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Four:  Best Cord

Spoilers Up To Chapter 12

Question 1:SpinelStride Asks:

Does Lero have a resistance to magic?

LERO

(sighs heavily)

As far as magic goes, Twilight knows a lot more than I.  For whatever reason, my body has resistance to CERTAIN magics... but not EVERY one.   My body can be juggled very easy with telekinesis.  Flames will still burn me, whether they come from ordinary combustibles, flammable liquids, electrical fires, dragon breath, or a unicorn’s horn.  I can be chilled by conjured frost.  I can drink conjured water.  On and on and on.

Lero looks to the left.  There is a unicorn mare straining to cast a magic spell on the human.

LERO

But as I said, my body is resistant to certain magics.  Most notably transformative spells... anything that’d change my body into some other form.  Healing magic, too, to a somewhat lesser extent.  But it’s almost never a question of me being IMMUNE to a given spell...

The unicorn gives it an extra spurt of effort... and Lero is transformed into an adorable bunny.  Squealing in delight, the unicorn scoops Lero in her arms and nuzzles him.

LERO THE BUNNY

...It’s just a question of more exertion on the spellcaster’s part.  What gets me, though, is that because I’m resistant to CERTAIN magics, a good number of scientists and anthro... sorry,  hippologists feel duty-bound to test EVERY page of the spellbook on me.

He sighs and shakes his head while being snuggled.

Question 2:SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Twilight, Lero, and Spike,

What would you do if everyone liked how the swap happened? For example, if Fluttershy ended up with Rarity's cutie mark, Fluttershy might have enjoyed running the Boutique and been more confident in her artistic inclinations, while Applejack probably could have settled in quite nicely taking care of Fluttershy's animals and not constantly worried about finances; Rainbow Dash might find that picking every apple in an orchard in ten seconds flat is even more of a challenge than sky-clearing (and she'd be able to set aside whole barrels of cider for herself); Pinkie Pie would probably love using her Pinkycopter to clear the skies and make cloud-shapes (also, there would be a lot of Pinky-and-pinkies jokes about Lero and her); Rarity could have been extremely happy as the most elegant and prolific party organizer Equestria's ever seen. It's easy to make the decision to fix things when everyone's miserable, but what if they were all happier than they'd ever been?

SPIKE

Rarity as a party planner?  ...I’d’ve been TOTALLY down with that!  Every day I’d go to visit the love of my life... it’d either be a party or a party in the planning!  And it’d be cool seeing how being the Element of Laughter would affect her sense of humor!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well... I have to say, Mr. Stride, sir... after consulting my feelings, I honestly WOULD still pursue a cure, even if Starswirl’s spell made my friends happier than ever before.  My reasoning would be twofold.

She takes a sip of water from a glass.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

First: Princess Celestia, herself, had ordered me to complete the unfinished spell.  Like it or not, I’d never go against her orders.  Princess Celestia knows best, she always has everypony’s best interest at heart, and I am her faithful student, now and forever.  Second... well, after seeing how happy the INCOMPLETE spell made my friends, I’d have been REALLY EAGER to see what the COMPLETE spell did!

LERO

The Swap being an IMPROVEMENT in those five’s lives?  And Pinkie Pie being my Replacement Dash, instead of Rarity?

(thinks about it)

Well... let me first put this in terms of what I’m going through now.  Rainbow Dash has always been, and will always be my first love.  But I honestly cannot deny that I’ve developed a... fondness for Rarity.  I appreciate them both.

(chuckles softly)

In light of that... I could easily see myself developing that same fondness for Pinkie Pie, were she in that role.  She’d be a wonderful pony to live with, wonderful to love.  So energetic and affectionate.  And yet... sad or happy, for better or for worse... I think I’d still do what I’m doing right now.  Chase after Dash, and help her with what she was doing on the side.  Try my best to hold onto ALL of her -- body AND soul -- Pinkie AND Rainbow -- not just content myself with one or the other.

(smiles)

Yeah, Sweet Apple Acres would be seeing a new volunteer farmhand.  I imagine Dash would sound mighty cute with a Southern accent.  I’d keep at it until either A) Dash made it clear she just wasn’t interested or B)...

(Lero actually blushes)

...You know, I could see the Apple Family being terrific in-laws.

SPIKE

I’d just love to hear the story of how PINKIE PIE beat that giant spider!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

P.S. -- Mr. Stride, I love how you say, “It's easy to make the decision to fix things when everyone's miserable,” as though we’ve all had an easy time of things here!

Question 3:Zer0prototype Asks:

Discord: Have you found a way to use your chaos constructively?

DISCORD

You’re looking at it right now, my friend!  Everything I’m doing with my bewitchment!

(He giggles)

Talk about role reversals!  CELESTIA’S the one who ushered all this Chaos in, in the first place, while I’M the one playing Guardian of Stability and Order!  The irony’s so delicious, you could slather it on a tin roof sundae!

Question 4:Zer0prototype Asks:

Discord: I'm curious what an average day in the life of Discord would be like. Heaven forbid you have a routine or something.

Discord sighs ruefully.

DISCORD

Believe it or not, I do have a routine these days.  Keeping the bewitchment running glitch-free is a full-time job!  Ugh!  Sometimes, I have to bend time sideways and add several hours to a given day, just to have a little time for myself!

He stretches an alarm clock out like it was made of rubber.

DISCORD

First, let me specify that I have NO CONTROL WHATSOEVER over all the “memories” that rotten, misbegotten spell of Starswirl's fabricates for those five.  I’m just in charge of all the REST of the population I’ve bewitched, and making sure THEIR memories AND their very lives dovetail with reality as the Swapped all see it!

He pulls a projection screen down from thin air.

DISCORD

Let me give you just one example of how maddening all this micromanagement is.  Because Rainbow Dash’s memories are telling her she never wanted to be a Wonderbolt, do you know what that resulted in?  I had to bring Lighting Dust, (remember her, brony fans?) back to the Wonderbolt Academy.  Yeah, she’s back to being a cadet... although to hear HER tell it, she’d never left to begin with.

The projection screen shows Lightning Dust back in her cadet uniform.

DISCORD

Because Dash-The-Fluttershy was “never THAT interested in the Wonderbolts,” she logically wouldn’t have gotten to be Dusty’s wingpony, and she wouldn’t have done what she did that got ol’ Dusty booted from the Wonderbolts Academy, right?  So I had to go in and alter everypony else’s memories to reflect all that!

The projection screen shows Lightning Dust in her bedroom, surrounded by Wonderbolts memorabilia, weeping into her pillow.  Discord appears and taps her on the back of the head.  In a trance, Lightning Dust slips into her old cadet uniform and leaves her house.

DISCORD

  I teleported to Dusty’s house, bewitched her into sleepwalking...

The screen shows Lightning Dust flying out from her cloud home.

DISCORD

Well, sleep-flying... back to her Academy dorm room...

There’s a security guard out by the Academy entrance.  Discord taps him: he, too, falls into a trance.  And when the entranced Lightning Dust appears, he unlocks the door and lets her in.

DISCORD

...jigger the memories of Dusty, her teachers, her classmates, etcetera, so that they don’t remember Dusty ever LEAVING the Academy...

A montage of Discord tiredly tapping every student and staff member’s head.

DISCORD

...AND fill Dusty’s head with all the flying lessons she's missed.

Now Lightning Dust is seen learning flying techniques, doing exercises, and uncaringly endangering her fellow cadets, while being praised by her teachers.

DISCORD

And that’s just one example!  Don’t even get me STARTED on all the mares and stallions that Rarity believes she’s dated before meeting Lero!

(groans)

So... many... BUTTERFLY EFFECTS...!

The projection screen goes black.

DISCORD

The longer those five remain Swapped, the more that they’ll come to “remember,” or be FORCED to “remember,” if they’re put on the spot.  Occasionally, even I’LL overlook some detail.

The projection screen now shows Rarity talking with Spike.

RARITY

This morning, when I couldn’t find my old ID, or any of my paperwork, I flew straight to the Weather Board to replace what I was missing!  You’re not going to believe this, but when I got there, it turned out they had NO FILES on me AT ALL.  NONE.

SPIKE

No files at all?  You mean like... you were never actually part of the Weather Ponies to begin with?

RARITY

Exactly!  It was the spookiest, eeriest thing!  I mean, I’ve been working as a Weather pony for YEARS, long before I ever met any of the rest of you!  And for all that documentation to simply VANISH...!

He snaps his fingers and the projection screen vanishes.

DISCORD

Sometimes, I wonder why I go to all this trouble.

REPLICA FLUTTERSHY

(sweetly)

Oh, come now.  You know why.

The Replica Fluttershy trots up.  Discord smiles and hugs her.

DISCORD

Yeah, I do.  If this bewitchment were pulled apart before your real-life counterpart were cured... my good friend Fluttershy would turn into a murdering psycho.  And I could never allow that to happen.  So I’ll uphold this bewitchment for as long as it takes, even if Twilight Sparkle ends up never finding a cure.

Question 5:Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Discord:  Any truth to the rumors that you and Celestia have a thing?

Discord and Celestia stand right next to each other.

DISCORD

I can neither confirm nor deny any such rumors.

Celestia smiles a sidelong smile at Discord.  Her horn glows.  Discord gives a JOLT, as though his butt were just pinched.  Then he returns Celestia’s smile.

Question 6:SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Twilight,

How physically tough is a unicorn's horn? Considering that pegasi feathers are so exceptionally durable, it seems likely that a magic-channeling horn would probably also be very strong and hard to damage. If so, how far around the base does that durability extend? It wouldn't do much good to have a super-durable horn if it could break the skull around it on impact, so I would imagine that a large portion of the front of the skull would have to be similarly strong.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Pick any horned animal you know.  Bulls, rhinos, rams, narwhals... unicorn horns are about as tough as the horns on all those.  They’re durable enough, but far from indestructible.  A unicorn needs to protect her horn as fervently as any other body part.

Question 7:SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Discord,

At the moment, the entire world is literally in your power, with the specific acquiescence of the Princesses and the lone remaining non-swapped bearer of an Element of Harmony. It does seem to take a bit of work to keep everything more or less coherent, but you're discord, not chaos - society isn't collapsing but just about everyone is unhappy with their current state, leading to a surfeit of internal and external discord. So with small-d discord running rampant, doesn't it make sense that having fun with it, as Lero and Rarity did, is in fact the only sensible thing for anyone to be doing right now?

DISCORD

I know, right?!  Why can’t more ponies be as sensible as those two are?!  Especially Lero.  There’s a guy I’d love to Swap with!   Life gives him lemons, he makes lemonade!  The lemons turn to apples, he makes applesauce!  The apples turn to gophers, and he’ll bake you a farm-fresh gopher pie!  ALL mortals should have him as their role model!  Chaos storms down upon his head,   and what does he do?!

Discord places a record on a gramophone, and plays it.  It’s Lero, himself, singing Raindrops Are Falling On My Head, with full orchestral accompaniment.

DISCORD

He sings in it!  He drinks it all up!  He becomes one WITH the chaos!

Discord, himself, proceeds to dance to the tune.

DISCORD

You don’t know HOW TEMPTED I AM to snap my fingers and just for ONE DAY, bewitch every pony on this world to be just like him!  I might even DO it someday!  That... or transport our favorite human straight to Chaos College to complete his education properly!  Rarity, too!  They really ARE such good influences on each other, and just the cutest couple you could imagine!  Wouldn’t you agree?

Question 8:SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Discord,

I bet you could have a blast teaching Swapped Fluttershy to be a prankster...

DISCORD

Oh, I do... on the days where she’ll LET me.  See... with the Identity Swap being what it is, RAINBOW DASH is the one accepting credit for having reformed me and becoming my first friend, not Fluttershy.  In the Pre-Swap days, Pinkie Pie was still a bit iffy on me, and that passed over to Fluttershy, Post-swap.  Some days Fluttershy DOESN’T want anything to do with me...

FLUTTERSHY

I heard YOU inspired Rarity and Lero to cause chaos on Main Street that other night!

She slams the door in Discord’s face.

DISCORD

Other days, she’s more open-minded.

A bang snap sits balanced on a doorknob.  Mrs. Cake opens the door from the other side, balancing a triple-layer cake on her head.  The bang snap falls off the knob, explodes on the floor, producing a magnificent BANG!

MRS. CAKE

AAAH!!!

The layered cake splatters all over Mrs. Cake’s mane.

FLUTTERSHY & DISCORD

Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!!!

Question 9:SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Foal Who Sneezed Wonderbolts Action Figures,

Did you at least get Soarin and Spitfire, or were they all not-really-Wonderbolts?

We are in the bedroom of Uprush, the foal-who-sneezed Wonderbolts action figures.  Uprush is pulling out a steel box from underneath his bed.

UPRUSH

Hate to say it, but every one of the action figures I sneezed out back when that drackerquess-thing... came and turned Ponyville into Weirdsville... none of them were REAL Wonderbolts.

Uprush opens the box and overturns it onto his bedroom floor.

UPRUSH

As you can see: sixty percent of these ‘Wonderbolts’ are of FLUTTERSHY!

Uprush lets out a small scream of indignation.

UPRUSH

But she wasn’t the only one!  There was also...

He picks up an action figure.

UPRUSH

(unhappily)

My mean old principal, as a Wonderbolt...

He picks up another action figure.

UPRUSH

My cat’s veterinarian, as a Wonderbolt...

Another action figure.

UPRUSH

The grumpy old fatso who runs the comic book shop, a Wonderbolt!

Then the kid smiles.

UPRUSH

But it’s not ALL bad!

He picks up several action figures at once.

UPRUSH

Look!  My father, my mother, my other mother, my other other mother, my other other other mother and all my sisters as Wonderbolts, AAAAANNDD....!

He drops all the rest of the action figures to pick up one special one,  glowing with joy.

UPRUSH

(very happy)

ME!  A Wonderbolt!

Question 10:Zontargs Asks:

Dear anyone-with-an-opinion:

A hypothetical scenario: somehow, volunteers from the human world are given a chance to go to Equestria. To avoid some of the obvious problems, the trip is one-way, only transports humans, and includes some sort of magical lie-detector test, so we can skip any of the "humans invade / overthrow the government / strip-mine the countryside / exploit ponies" bits. Let's assume (ask Pinkie why) that the volunteers number in the thousands, have roughly the opposite sex ratio to that of ponies, are Lero's age +/- 7 years or so, aren't a bunch of criminals or ne'er-do-wells, and actually like ponies and Equestria.

So, roughly what do you expect to happen (short- and long-term), and is this good for Equestria?’

Lero brings several ingredients over to the kitchen to make a meal.

LERO

Well, one thing I DON’T see happening is that all these thousands of human immigrants will dive headfirst into entering pony herds, like I did.  Some will.  Some won’t.  I believe that humanity definitely deserve a foothold in Equestria... especially if there weren’t any bad people who’d crossed over from Earth.  At the risk of sounding like a complete hypocrite, I think it’d actually be better if humans tried to stick with marrying humans, for at least the first couple generations or so, just so we could swell our numbers.

He pours water into a large pot and sets it on the oven, then brings out carrots and celery and chops them up into bite-sized pieces upon a cutting board.

LERO

What I see happening in the long run is this: more technology for Equestria.  Cars, credit cards, portable video games, the internet, phones that connect you to the internet and have a bajillion apps... mankind would MISS all their toys from the old world too much.  I know I would.  I imagine that out of those thousands of immigrants, there have to be SOME engineers, SOME computer programmers that’d set to work reinventing the internal combustion engine and the microchip and such from scratch.  It’d be really sweet, I think, bringing Equestria into the Information Age.

Lero is done chopping up the vegetables.

LERO

Just between you and me, I’d’ve like to have seen whether I could've attract some very, very, very VERY open-minded woman into my herd.

(sighs)

But I'm not complaining. I already have blessings aplenty.

He slides all the chopped vegetables into a bowl.

Round Twelve: Tá An Bhean Uasal Ag Breathnú Go Fóill

Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Twelve:  Tá An Bhean Uasal Ag Breathnú Go Fóill.

Spoilers Up To Chapter 18

Question 1:BadWolf8510 Says:

To Lero,

Uasal bhean seolann tú í beannachtaí.

Lero’s eyes suddenly roll up in the back of his head, before rolling back into their proper place.  He faces forward, with a truly alien, not-himself gleam in his eyes.  Nonetheless, he speaks lucidly, but with deep coldness.

LERO

Tá mé ionadh go bhfanfaidh suim i dom tú, mo bhean uasal.   Tá sé tar éis blianta an oiread sin ó d'fhág mé leat. Ba mhaith liom a shíl go raibh fhuadaigh tú roinnt eile d'íospartaigh ar do shon féin ag anois.  Cathain a chuaigh tú amach mo cá? An bhfuil tú ag faire rúnda dom?  An bhfuil tú feargach gur éirigh liom éalú? Ar mhaith leat a ghoid mé ó mo bhaile arís? Ar mhaith leat a mharú dom? An bhfuil tú ag pleanáil chun rud éigin i bhfad níos measa?

(extra-cold and sardonic)

Ainneoin, ba mhaith liom iad a chomhlíonadh le cloisteáil ar ais ó tú, mo bhean uasal.

Then, SCREAMING, Lero clutches his head.  Running to the bathroom, he fills the bathtub all the way up with water, and dunks his head in for a solid minute and a half.  He pulls his head back out, with a long gasp for air.

LERO

(terrified)

WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED TO ME?!?!

Question 2:Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Lero,

After finding out that few ponies can swim when Honeybee almost drowned, did you or anypony else start up a swim class?

LERO

Yes, there was a swim class that was started.

His brow furrows in thought.

LERO

Come to think of it... the next time Twilight transforms me into a pony, I ought to learn how to swim in that form.  Just in case...

Question 3:Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Spike,

Is Peewee, that baby phoenix, still living with you? Is he a pet or were you just taking care of him till he was ready to leave the nest so to speak.

SPIKE

I ended up reuniting Peewee with his mom and dad, after a few weeks.  It wasn’t right that he was stolen from his parents in the first place.  We had some good times, though.  Sometimes, he’ll fly by and visit, and we’ll have even more good times, before he moves on.  Sweet little guy.

Question 4:Zontargs Asks:

Dear Twilight:

“Inkie and Blinkie always said there used to be two other Mas in our family, but they both... passed away, long before I was born.”

“From what?”

“Ennui,” Fluttershy told him.  “It’s a very dangerous, contagious affliction in the part of the world where I grew up.”

Is this accurate? Are the princesses aware of these conditions? If not, why not? If so, why do they permit them to continue? As rulers, they have a moral responsibility to ensure the well-being of their subjects. Allowing them to die of terminal ennui is reprehensible, regardless of the economic benefits it might bring. Surely there's a way to produce these materials without subjecting ponies to such conditions for so long. And don't give me any crap about "meddling with ponies' personal lives", as she's shown she's willing to do so whenever she feels it's justified.

Mike Teavee pulls aside a curtain flap, peeking out from behind it.

MIKE TEAVEE

Zontargs... I hope you don’t mind, but for this, I’m going to reformat your question a little bit, so it’s easier for Twilight to answer.

Mike disappears: Twilight steps forward.

ZONTARGS

Is this accurate?

The purple unicorn looks over two death certificates.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well, I checked into the deaths of Mr. Pie’s other wives... and yes, it’s accurate.  Cause of Death: Ennui.

ZONTARGS

Are the princesses aware of these conditions?

From the next room over, there’s the sound of Spike belching.  He runs to Twilight, hands her a letter from the Princess, and reads it over as Spike leaves.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Yes, they are aware.

ZONTARGS

So why do they permit them to continue? As rulers, they have a moral responsibility to ensure the well-being of their subjects.  Allowing them to die of terminal ennui is reprehensible, regardless of the economic benefits it might bring.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

I do agree with you that rules are morally responsible for their subjects’ wellbeing.  But your accusation that the Princesses coldly let those mares die for economic gain is just plain wrong!  Her Majesty isn’t like that at all!  She didn’t pass an edict declaring the Pies HAD to be rock farmers!

ZONTARGS

Surely there's a way to produce these materials without subjecting ponies to such conditions for so long!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Look, it’s not like that part of the world the Pies live in is some diseased swampland with malaria-carrying mosquitoes clogging the air!  It’s just very rocky!

She sighs, levitating an apple and a rock up to the level of her head.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Let me try putting this in a different perspective; let’s set up a comparison.  The Pie Family with our good friends, the Apple Family.  Both families are comprised of workaholic farmers.  What would you say the biggest difference between these families are?

A thin, pencil-like paintbrush floats over towards the apple and the rock.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Is the fact that the Apples produce apples, while the Pies produce rocks?

The paintbrush paints a flinty frown on the face of the rock, and a scrumptious smile on the apple.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well, let me throw you a hypothetical scenario.  Suppose I cast another of my Swaps on these two families.  The Apples think they’re supposed to be rock farmers, vice versa for the Pies.  So they move to each other’s farms.  Just a Job Swap, nothing more: everything else about each family’s personalities stays exactly the same!

A flash of magic... and suddenly, the apple’s got a sour, wormy frown on it, while the rock’s smile shines like a diamond.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

When you get right down to it, rocks and apples are probably equally as strenuous for farmers to farm.  So what REALLY sets the Apples apart from the Pies?  The Apples are able to derive pleasure and personal satisfaction from their farm work, while the Pies aren’t!  Or WEREN’T anyway!

She levitates the apple and rock away.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Celestia didn’t force the Pies to farm rocks!  She didn’t force them to live in that part of the world!  Economically speaking, she’d’ve been just as happy if the Pies had been toymakers as rock farmers!  As much as I hate to speak ill of Flut...

Twilight cringes, biting her tongue.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

...PINKIE’S family, they had much the same problem so many of my Swapped friends have: the Pies committed themselves, heart and soul, to a job that gave them no joy!  Worse, the Pies didn’t allow themselves to FEEL joy, not even in their downtime!  They took some kind of grim pride in being some of the most stoical stoics in all stoicism!

ZONTARGS

Surely there's a way to produce these materials without subjecting ponies to such conditions for so long.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

If Princess Celestia were in desperate need of farmed rocks, Her Majesty would’ve sent ponies who LOVED rock farming.  The way I see it, the only ‘conditions’ the Pies suffered from were EACH OTHER.  Heck, I’D have died of ennui, too, if I were married to the likes of Mr. Pie!

ZONTARGS

And don't give me any crap about "meddling with ponies' personal lives", as she's shown she's willing to do so whenever she feels it's justified.

Twilight shakes her head.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

At the end of the day, joy cannot and SHOULD NOT come from the government.  Not Celestia, or anyone else who rules.  Joy has to come from within; this holds true for EVERY individual.

Twilight looks straight forward.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

You end your own ennui.  Just ask my friend, F... Pink... the mare who bears the Element of Laughter, how she got her cutie mark!  It’s up to you whether to see the rainbows when they come, or shut yourself away from the sight of them.  It’s up to you whether to fill your heart with grayness or color.

Question 5:FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Rarity,

Was there some extenuating circumstance we weren't privy to back during the whole "destroyed Town Hall" incident, or is Derpy really that dangerous with a thundercloud under her hooves?

Rarity looks behind her back, at what used to be a glorious mansion going up in walls of flames.   Silver Spoon and all her family huddle against each other, sobbing, as the firefighters try to contain the blaze.

RARITY

What can I say?  Some mares were just never meant to work the weather.

Question 6:Warpd Asks:

Dear Princess Cadence:

You're not seen much (if at all) in these stories. First impression of Lero. Then when you found out your little Twilight married him along with the other mares.

PRINCESS CADENCE

My FIRST impression?  Well, once I got over Lero’s one-of-a-kind appearance... I remember him being kind, polite, and well-mannered, but I also remember him asking me this unusual question, after the usual pleasantries.  He asked, “As the Princess of Love, could you cause ponies to fall OUT of love?”  And I told him, “Have you seen the way Aunt Celestia and Aunt Luna can raise and set the sun and moon?  I can do that with love.”  Then for a while, Lero grew extra tense and over-polite around me.  I think he was afraid I’d make Twilight lose her love for him!

Princess Cadence giggles into her hoof.

PRINCESS CADENCE

But trust me: we get along VERY well nowadays!

Lowering her hoof, she looks back up.

PRINCESS CADENCE

As for the second part of your question... I’m sorry, but I believe you might’ve been misinformed.  Twilight and her herdmates are NOT married.  They’re NOT officially husband and wives.  Not yet.  There’s been no ceremony.  No exchange of vows.  Though with such a passionate and romantic girl like Rarity as lead mare, it’s only a matter of time!

Question 7:SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Princess Celestia,

Are the rumors true that you're going to have extended screen time in Pony Chicks 3: Moment In The Sun? I heard that they got special permission to film in the castle itself...

PRINCESS CELESTIA

They did!  The rumors are all true!  Yes, I know Pony Chicks 3 is not exactly going to be Citizen Sugarcane, but who cares?  Every decade or so, I’ll perform in a movie for the sheer FUN of it.  Want to know why I’m so excited about this one?  I FINALLY get to play against type!  Yes!  Every movie, it’s always: ‘With Princess Celestia as Herself!’  Because I don’t play THAT mare every day of my life!  HERE, I’m going to be Bear Claw, the foul-mouthed, cigar-chomping, wife-beating schizophrenic masked wrestler... with a secret heart of gold.  Who is a zebra and a main character, besides!  The part of Princess Celestia will be played by Sapphire Shores.

Question 8:Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Dinky Doo:

How was school?

DINKY DOO

Ridiculously easy and unchallenging... just the way I like it!   Poor Miss Cheerilee... she’s a real sweet mare, but she thinks in only three dimensions, instead of five, and her sense of chronology is so LINEAR!  Still... school’s just so easy, especially science and history homework!  And it’s fun being around foals my age!  Except for Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.  Those two losers are always trying to make themselves out like they’re so powerful and such a big deal.  I’ve seen Weeping Angels.  I've helped Dad END Weeping Angels.  So I love how angry Diamond and Silver get when they see how unimpressed they make me.

Question 9:Kitsuja Asks:

Dear Spike:

You know you're going to catch a MOUNTAIN of trouble for leveraging Dash's condition against Lero just to have him "stay away" from Rarity in the long run, right?

All sorts of emotions play across Spike’s face, before he finally settles on helpless anger.

SPIKE

Well, what do you WANT from me?!  What else can I do?!  What am I supposed to do?!  I just want things to go back to normal!  I want Lero and Rainbow Dash to be in love with each other!  But Rarity’s so much in love with him!  And I... I’m just so afraid of Lero falling for her charms.  It’s not that I WANT Dash hurt... but if I’M the one taking care of her, I want to make sure he’s not chasing after Rarity and forgetting Dash!  It’s not just that I want Rarity for myself, I want Lero to be there for Dash,  even if I have to force the issue!  I swear I’m not out to be mean, I don’t know what else to do... this is the SWAP, you have to be clever... Rarity and Lero are getting closer all the time... I’m just a kid, and they’re all grown-ups... I’m scared...

Question 10:Rikmach Asks:

So, mares of Ponyville:  what do you like best and worst about your stallions?  And who was the best?  And worst?  And what was the prize?

COLGATE

Well, it’s tough, since the rules are we have to narrow it down to ONE thing.  But what I love best about my Doctor is his heroic sense of adventure!  The thing I... like least about him... I wish he cared more about making money.  A LOT more.

DERPY HOOVES

I love the Doctor for being such a great father to my little Dinky!  But... I’m always scared of him regenerating.  When bad guys come at us, I always put myself in front of him, because I’d rather they shoot me and not him, so he won’t regenerate.  We shout at each other a lot over that.  Sometimes, I think I’d rather die than watch him transform into some completely different stallion and then up and leave our family...

Colgate pats Derpy reassuringly, even though the other mares stare at the derp-eyed pegasus in complete bafflement.

IVORY KEYS

I adore Widescreen because he has a passion for the best things in life!   But I hate how he really doesn’t help clean up around the house.

HONEYDEW

I dislike how that stallion of mine spends so much time working at that theater of his!  But what I love about him is...

(uncharacteristically humble)

...All that he puts up with from me.  I... put him through a lot.

MRS. CAKE

I love Carrot because he’s a dependable husband and father!

If only he could be nicer to my parents, though.

PINKIE PIE

Ah love mah brother Macky most fer his hard work.

(sighs)

But Ah don’t much like it when he goes out and gits plastered, especially with his stallion friends!  Like when he goes ‘n’ makes moonshine with Leery in our barn!

BERRY PUNCH

I like Caramel cuz... he’s handsome!  He’s good in the sack!  What more IS there, where boys are concerned?!  But it’s a drag going to restaurants with him, because he has so many food allergies!

HONEYBEE

(resentful, petty, and sarcastic)

What I love most about Caramel is how well he loses at card games!  What I can’t stand is what a wimp he is around bees.  They’re just BEES!  Stings aren’t the end of the world, you baby!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Lero’s wonderful for opening my eyes to a whole different world... a whole new way of thinking!  But sometimes, he can be a bit judgmental... of me...

LYRA

Right now, especially, I love Lero for the selfless way he’s bending over backwards to help every pony!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Aw, I should’ve mentioned that!

LYRA

But that, in itself, presents problems.  I can see he hasn’t been getting enough sleep, he’s coming home scarred and beaten up from Dash’s animals and whatever-else... it’s not good....

RARITY

I can only mention ONE good quality about Lero?  One above all the rest?  Too cruel!  Well, if I must limit myself... it’s his sweet, truehearted nature.

(romantic sigh)

Now, as for faults... he has very few, but...

(very uncomfortable, small voice)

...These days, Lero’s... uh... very busy.  And while he’s just as loving towards me as ever, he doesn’t seem to have time to do... fun stuff with me... late at night.

Honeydew leans in towards Rarity with a truly spiteful sneer.

HONEYDEW

Hmmm?  What’s THIS?  Am I to understand your monkey can no longer get it up for you?

Ten seconds later, Twilight and Lyra are forced to wrench Rarity bodily off of Honeydew.  The unicorn jabbers in loud, indecipherable anger, while Honeydew just laughs meanly at the white unicorn, even through her new nosebleed.

A bit of time has passed.  All the mares who’d spied on their husbands and coltfriends are gathered in the same room.  Ivory Keys is quietly scolding Honeydew in the background.

Twilight clears her throat.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

At any rate, what we’re offering for prizes is something REALLY special!  Much more valuable than movie tickets, I can tell you that!

She pulls a sheet off the prizes, revealing what they are.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Feast your eyes on these beautiful bone china tea sets, courtesy of Princess Celestia, herself!  That's real 24-karat gold you're looking at, too, ladies!  The Princess generously offered them to us for our little competition!  She has dozens to spare, believe you me!

All the mares ‘ooooh!’ at both of the tea sets.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Now, Lyra was the one who tallied up the scores!  Would you please announce the best husband and the worst one!

LYRA

Worst husband: Caramel!

Conciliatory hoof-clapping comes from all the other mares, as Berry Punch and Honeybee receive their prize.

BERRY PUNCH

Well, he may be Worst Husband, but at least we get a priceless tea set outta the guy!

HONEYBEE

You don’t even DRINK tea.

BERRY PUNCH

True!  But it’s gotta be worth at least a dozen kegs of the hard stuff, am I right, Bee?

LYRA

And for BEST Husband:  Widescreen!

Ivory Keys and Honeydew gasp as the other tea set is floated towards them.

HONEYDEW

I... I don’t believe it!  I won!  I WON!   I’ve never won anything in my LIFE!

IVORY KEYS

Well, Widescreen was more the one who won...

HONEYDEW

But WE were the ones who sold him, weren’t we?

(sneers at Herd Bellerophon)

HA!  In your FACE, Monkey-Lovers!  BEST HUSBAND!!!

Lyra, Twilight, and Rarity all bunch up closer towards each other.

LYRA

(muttered to Twilight)

You voted for Widescreen, too, didn’t you?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(muttered)

Oh, yes.  You, Rarity?

RARITY

(muttered)

But of course!  After all, to be able to actually LOVE a girl like Honeydew, to put up with all her horse apples, to defend her publicly... for a stallion to do all that, would require him to be nothing less than...

The three of them all cast another look at Honeydew, who is performing an obnoxious victory dance.

MARES OF HERD BELLEROPHON

...The Best Husband Ever.