As I desperately tried to ignore this commercial jingle that plays ceaselessly over my job's speakers, my friend and coworker made the mistake of telling me what he named his Guild Wars 2 character. When I finally stopped laughing, I began to tease him. As I am a cruel man and an even worse friend, my vehement remonstrations over his character's name escalated until I wrote an entire story about it.

And then I posted said story to his Facebook wall. This is that story.

Kind readers, join hands with me as we follow the exploits of Dark King Oblivion on his not-so-epic quest as a cashier at Sugarcube Corner. Through great heartache, hardship, and a dizzying array of neurons that fail to spark, watch as he discovers the sparkly, saccharine magic of friendship—accompanied by a perky blue smurf, Gumdrops McHappysparkles—while he gallivants about happily in Tortilla Land. Which is functionally identical to Equestria, save for the smurfs in tortilla hats, and the inhabitants' tendency to break out in commercial jingles.

Crossover between Guild Wars 2/Smurfs/My Little Pony/my job slowly consuming what little is left of my sanity/what is this, I don't even-

With a very special cameo by another coworker of mine, who knew I was writing it and asked me to "take him to Tortilla Land".

To anyone who actually reads this: I'm sorry.

Now with a hilarious dramatic reading by the immensely talented PresentPerfect!