An Exercise in Inter-Universal Politics

Chrysalis woke up, again. God, she was spending a hell of a lot of time passed out recently.

Once again, strapped down to the bed. Thank the lord the entire feeds-on-love thing didn't force her to have normal bodily functions. She'd been in that bed for at least three days, no way in hell she wouldn't have had issues at this point.

Chrysalis' eyes narrowed. Oh, Celestia. Three days. Three days of no feeding. How was she even alive? She was a Queen. She had to eat.

So... why didn't she even feel hungry?

Chrysalis tried to move her head, only to realize the straps were still tight as ever. She let out a groan.

"JESUS—"

Chrysalis tried to jerk her head to look at the noise, but only accomplished a half-inch rotation.

"KNOCK HER OUT, KNOCK HER OUT!"

"You took out the IV!"

The second voice was from the same place as Twilight's had been before. Obviously some kind of magical audio projection device.

Which meant that, for possibly the first time, somebody was in the room with her.

"I don't—"

And suddenly the creature was in front of her. Bipedal, but thinner and more upright than a Diamond Dog. No hair on its entire body. Thin slits revealed brown eyes, and it didn't have a snout—more of a nose, like a monkey. Its arms were similar to a monkey's too, lithe and thin with strange appendages. It was holding some kind of metallic tube with a handle, pointed directly at her. Chrysalis quickly realized it was a weapon.

"If you try anything I am going to blow you to hell, got it?"

Chrysalis coughed. "Understand. Mean no harm. I was being honest before."

The thing and her had a brief staring contest. She won out in the end, easily. Changeling eyes. She had to blink maybe once an hour, although it got uncomfortable if she didn't do it regularly.

"Alright."

The thing put the weapon into a pouch hanging from his belt and turned away from her. Chrysalis couldn't see what he was doing, but heard the sound of metal on metal.

"So," she said, "What are you doing?"

The thing appeared in her view again. "I'm securing the area in case you escape. Twilight wants to talk with you in-person. Gave us these little babies—"

He held up a test tube of green fluid, swirling it around.

"Said they'd hurt you and not her. Made it with our alchemists. So, you try anything funny, we set 'em off."

Chrysalis tried to nod, only to realize she was strapped down. She thought about the difficulty of communicating without those kind of gestures. Pods were much more efficient detaining devices. Use the trapped pony as a food source, and they could do all those little gestures when you were interrogating them. Really, it was ideal.

"I understand," she muttered.

The thing disappeared from her view, continuing his work. Chrysalis stared back at the ceiling.

"So, you must feel out of place," she commented. The thing's tapping stopped for a moment.

"How you figure?"

"You're obviously a surface-dweller. Brown skin to prevent burns, squinty eyes to protect from the sun. I bet you don't enjoy being down here in these tunnels."

The thing appeared in her view again, a questioning expression on his face. "You fucking with me?"

"W-What?" Chrysalis responded, quickly realizing that this attempt at showing her intelligence wasn't working.

"'Squinty eyes?'" the thing repeated, mocking her voice. "What's next, you gonna ask me if I make fucking Ricecakes or have a tiny dick? Are you a fucking eighth-grader?"

The voice from above again.

"Sir, I don't think they have the same stereotypes as we do."

The thing looked at a spot in the distance past her head, annoyed. "Yeah?"

"Yes, sir." The voice took a breath, then continued, "I mean, technically, your eyes are less wide. Especially compared to those headlights she's rockin'."

The thing shrugged, turning back to her. "No, I'm not a surface dweller. Everybody you're gonna meet down here is the same species: humans. We live in a lotta places, and look pretty different. Just get used to it."

"I meant no offense," Chrysalis responded, tersely.

The human shrugged again. "Don't worry about it. That's the least of your problems, trust me."

He went back to his tapping. Chrysalis, learning her lesson, kept her mouth shut.

Ten minutes later, the man stood up. Chrysalis was barely able to view him.

"Ok, listen," he said, drawing his weapon again. "Twilight says you gotta eat. And that you gotta eat emotion. So..."

"Captain, it's alright."

A new voice. One Chrysalis recognized.

"I'll explain it to her," Twilight continued. Chrysalis heard hoofbeats on metal, then a strange whirring noise. She realized that her table was being rotated, propped upright to see ahead. As she expected, the Princess was standing in front of her.

"I do not wish for you to starve to death. Not now, at least," the Princess said. "So I volunteered myself to be your snack for the day. I know Changelings can drain small amounts without harming the host. I expect to be fully conscious the entire time. Should I lose consciousness, the captain is going to shoot you with a force bolt. If that doesn't work, we'll release the potion, which will burn away at your exoskeleton and leave us unharmed. Not a very fitting—or painless—end for a Queen."

Hm. Twilight had gained a bit of an edge since she last met her. Maybe too much of one. Chrysalis banished the thought from her mind.

"Well, my dear Sparkle, I'm afraid your measure is unnecessary," Chrysalis responded. "I'm full."

Twilight blinked. "Full?"

"Completely full. Stomach stuffed."

"That's impossible. Queens need to eat several thousand calories worth of love a day, even if they're sedentary!"

Out of the corner of her eye, Chrysalis noticed the man mouth the words "calories of love" and shake his head.

"I know you can store some, but..." Twilight's voice gained new venom, and she jumped forward. "Who are you feeding on?"

"Nobody!" Chrysalis snapped. "I have no idea what's going on!"

Twilight sat down, resting her head on a hoof. "Well, if nobody's feeding you... Hm."

She looked up at Chrysalis. "None of the books I read mentioned anything about alternate methods to feed a Changeling."

Chrysalis attempted a shrug, but was, once again, restricted. "I don't know, Princess."

Twilight stood up again. "Well, I can't say I'm not relieved, but—"

Chrysalis's head slammed back into the bed as her world went dark.

* * *

Twilight cursed internally. Dammit, everything was going so well! Why did those things have to send another message now? She was talking to Chrysalis, the Queen was buying her ruse about that fluid the humans called "Mountain Doo", and she didn't even have to subject herself to a Changeling feeding!

Not that she was really surprised. Absolutely nothing had gone according to plan before, so why should it start? It only made sense that Chrysalis would go all glow-eyed again the second her mental train was back on track. God, what new horrors was this going to bring?

"Earthmen, this is the first of our invasion! You may disbelieve our threats, but I know that your Earth armies cannot defeat our forces. This solitary foe may be killed after many days of fighting, but he will live on in our history books forever! He has been hand-selected..."

Captain Veladre leaned over and tapped her on the shoulder. "Should I shoot her?"

"Of course not!" Twilight exclaimed.

"Ok, fine."

"...Taste our fury, Earthmen!"

Twilight's vision was momentarily blinded by a flash of light. Oh, Celestia, that was—They were teleporting something!

"Earthmen..."

Twilight jumped around, hitting the ground with legs bent and horn outstretched. Their foe was bright-green and floating several feet off the ground. It had two eyes, no discernible mouth, and large tentacles for limbs below its massive head.

It was also covered in fluffy, toylike fur, a trait which added some ridiculousness to the terror.

"I am but a taste of..." it said. It's voice had an almost water-like quality to it, and seemed to drop a solid octave on the vowels.

"Can I shoot that?" Veladre shouted. Twilight tried to light her horn, but only sparks came out.

"Yes!" She screamed, panicking. If that didn't work, she was going to try to impale it. She'd brought this horror on the poor planet. No way she was going to let it hurt them if she could help it.

Twilight winced as a loud BANG hit her ears. When her eyes snapped open again, they were greeted with a huge puddle black fluid and various managed tufts of hair. She blinked, turning to the human captain next to her.

The man wiped a blob of the black fluid off his face with a finger. "I think that worked."

The man didn't have time for further words before the blast doors behind him slammed open. Instantly, an entire unit of Marines poured into the room, weapons already drawn.

"WHERE IS THE HOSTILE?" their leader shouted, switching the safety off on his rifle.

Veladre pointed at the mangled corpse. Twilight felt a bit queasy looking at it, but managed to hold her lunch.

"Stand down," Veladre spoke. "Threat is... apparently eliminated. Get Jones in here, the medical unit's gonna want some samples."

Twilight heard a noise behind her and turned around. Chrysalis was waking up, her eyes no longer glowing.

"Why'd you knock me out?" she asked, annoyed.

"I didn't," Twilight replied, curtly. "The creatures are using you as a conduit. They just sent us a message, then teleported a solider in."

Chrysalis went bug-eyed. Well, more bug-eyed than she normally was. "Where? Please, don't let it—Get me out of here! Don't try to fight them, they're—"

"Chrysalis."

Twilight's tone managed to stop the Queen's panic. "Ye-yes?"

"It's dead."

The bug blinked. "What?"

"It's dead. They killed it," Twilight said. "Very quickly."

"But... No Equestrian magic works around them!" she shouted. "They can't—"

"Chrysalis, I can't explain what happened to you until I clear it with the President. But, rest assured, you're safe." Twilight turned to the group of humans. "Captain Veladre!"

"Yes?"

"Can you keep a guard in here with her, in case that happens again?"

Veladre nodded. "If they're all that easy, sure. Get one of the recruits in here for target practice, maybe."

"Twilight!"

The Alicorn turned to face the voice, smiling. "Acone."

"A- Are y- Oh, Jesus," Acone said, leaning over on his knees as he panted. "Long corridors, sorry, let me just... catch my breath."

Marshal stepped around his coworker, keeping a brisk pace towards her. "Are you alright?"

"Yes." Twilight replied. "That was.. rather anticlimactic, actually."

Marshal shook his head, laughing. "You're telling me. I thought I was gonna have a heart attack, but... yeah. Died fast."

"Very fast." Twilight replied.

Marshal glanced nervously at Chrysalis. "Is she...?"

"She's fine," Twilight responded. The changeling rolled her eyes.

"And I'm not going to attack you, since I'm sure that was your actual question," she said.

"Well."

Marshal looked to the group of humans. Already, bits and pieces of the creature were being put into plastic bags and carried away.

"That went well."

* * *

"What?"

The president leaned back in his chair.

"Died immediately, sir," Marshal responded. "One bullet."

"But I thought these things were..."

"Well, they suppress magic, but not gunpowder, sir," Marshal said. "And, according to an on-sight ballistics expert, they're filled with fluid. So when you shoot them, you break their pressure equilibrium, and they... sort of explode."

"Explode?"

"Like a water balloon, sir."

The president pushed a button below his desk that would call his personal chef. He was going to need something to drink after this.

"Alright, Marshal. Get your ass over here as soon as possible for a full briefing. Take a chopper with Twilight. If you can fit Acone, bring him too."

"One more thing, sir."

"Yes?"

"Well, you see, uh-" Marshal continued, in a tone that instantly informed the President that he was going to ask for something, "the Changeling, she feels... mistreated. She wants to be able to walk around, at least. And she hasn't given us any trouble so far, so..."

The President groaned. "Tomorrow, if she's still good. Let her walk around her room only. That's it. Not too much, Twilight didn't look like she wanted to feed her any more than necessary."

"Oh, that reminds me, sir," Marshal interjected, his voice growing in cheer, "she doesn't require feeding."

"What?"

"She's, according to Twilight, 'full.' In the food sense."

"How the hell did that happen?"

"We have no idea, sir."

The President hit the button again, hoping it would make his chef come faster. Yeah, he really needed a water.

"Well, then... let her walk some more, I guess. But put another guard unit on her, in case she tries any funny shit."

Marshal nodded. "Yes, sir."

"Now, start heading over here. I'll see you soon."

"Goodbye, sir."

The President spun his chair around, looking out over the White House Lawn. He looked at the grass for a while, lost in thought.

Then he heard a knock at the door. "Sir? You requested ze chef?"

"Ah, Léo," he answered, spinning around. "Just who I needed to see. . ."