Riffs from the Cutting Room Floor

Hallo! Welcome to another Brimstone-loaded spa of death known as Brony Nerd Theatre 42000 with very-special guest, the host of the MLP/MST Archive thingy, TheAuthorGl1m0. This time, I have no words. No words at all. This is crazy, insane, off-it’s-rocker, you name another synonym. This is a crossover between My Little Pony, Metal Gear Solid, and squirrels. This is “Applejack Is Full Of Squirrels” and this is crazy. So let’s dig into this episode of BNT42K.

TheAuthorGl1m0’s Notes: Salutations, benefactors! TheAuthorGl1m0 here, joining Luigilewis889 on his riff of... well, you can read what he wrote, can’t you? Honestly. Anyway, when he asked for another riffer to help out with this riff, well, I figured it was about time I answered the call of duty (for once). Hope you enjoy reaping what we’ve sowed!

Lewis: Dum-de-dum... Let’s see... if I do this...

(A light appears, forming TheAuthorGl1m0 and Applejack)

Applejack: ...The heck?

TheAuthorGl1m0: What the... how’d we end up here? This isn’t the CRF...

Lewis: Teleport. Pinkie has access to mine. Name’s Lewis.

Gl1m0: Oh, uh... makes sense. I’m TheAuthorGl1m0, and uh, this is Applejack. But, you can just call me Gl1m0. Or... “Glowy”, as Pinkie likes to call me for some reason...

Lewis: Yep, Pinkie and her nicknames. I’m off scot-free, mostly because of the entire controlling part of the universe thing.

Gl1m0: Controlling the... uh... am I missing something here?

Lewis: Okay, it’s not exactly controlling, more I can manipulate reality slightly. With a lot of effort. And machinery. But Pinkie gets candy, and I’m mostly left alone. Apart from the riffs.

Gl1m0: Wait... you do riffs too?

AJ: Heck, we just finished escaping from one of those just now...

Gl1m0: Hence, why I was wondering why I got teleported HERE, and not where I WANTED to go.

Lewis: Well, if I know Pinkie...

Pinkie: (From TV) HI GUYS!

Lewis: Called it.

Gl1m0: Oh for god’s sake, not this again...

Lewis: Well, what’s it this time?

(Door and window swing shut)

Pinkie: I have absolutely no idea! But it’s called Applejack Is Full Of Squirrels, so enjoy!

AJ: Ah’m full of what-now?

Gl1m0: That title alone makes my brain cry out for release...

Lewis: Eh, I’ve had worse. You should’ve seen My Little Immortal, or Friendship is Ninjas.

Gl1m0: Actually, I don’t think I would’ve liked to see those.

Pinkie: I’ve got transcripts!

(A buzzer goes off)

Gl1m0 & AJ: We’ve got story sign!

(Awkward pause)

Gl1m0: ...Hey, what gives?

Lewis: Not now, not ever!

        It was on a bright and sunny autumn afternoon when Cheerilee squatted above her flower garden on the edge of Ponyville.

Lewis: Teabagging flowers is an acceptable sport in Ponyville.

Gl1m0: Cheerilee’s a gold medalist in that.

She hummed a quaint tune, her teeth clenched over the handle of a watering can as she tended to a bright, blossoming rose bush. After a prolonged moment of bliss,

Lewis: Is she watering flowers, or doing something else...

Gl1m0: Well, tending to nature’s beauty is quite self-satisfying. Not that I would know...

she heard heavy hoofsteps clamoring towards her from the edge of the Everfree Forest bordering the town.

        "Hmm?" Cheerilee tilted her face up, blinking.

Lewis: No! Don’t blink! Don’t even blink!

        An orange shape limped towards the grassy embankment, teetering left and right. As Applejack came into focus, her face held a dazed look.

Gl1m0: She’s been hittin’ the cider again.

AJ: Ah have not!

She wobbled suddenly to her left,

Lewis: (Singing) It’s a jump to your left. And a step to your ri-i-i-i-ight!

veering, and bumped into a tree several times. This went on for a good ten seconds.

AJ: An’ carried on fer a not-so-good twenty seconds.

Gl1m0: Finishing off with a positively terrible thirty seconds. And that, my friends, is the Minute of Madness.

        Cheerilee slowly, slowly raised an eyebrow.

        At last, Applejack froze in her tracks, pivoted with a quiet whir, and stomped towards the schoolteacher. She stopped within a hair's inch of Cheerilee's flinching hooves. When Applejack exhaled, it was as if emitting a phantom gust of steam.

Gl1m0: Jeez AJ, when was the last time you brushed your teeth?

AJ: ...Brushin’ teeth? Huh?

"Felicitous greetings, pony of mane most fuschia," Applejack spoke, each syllable pronounced with bombastic gusto. "Upon where can it be found the acorn of size resplendent?"

AJ: Uh... WHAT?

Gl1m0: Wow Applejack, I never knew your Aunt loaned you that thesaurus!

AJ: That’s because she DIDN’T!

        Cheerilee's eyelashes fluttered. "Mmmf—mmmff-mmmf! Mmm—" She spat her watering can out and smiled. "Why, whatever are you talking about, Applejack?"

"Acorn most large, brought here by malevolent intrigue; into anxiety ceaselessing, we seek it."

Lewis: Uhh... Is this AJ, or her twin cousin who’s the daughter of Luna?

Gl1m0: Or perhaps the illegitimate stepchild of Fancy Pants?

AJ: ……

        "Well, if you want an acorn that badly, you can buck just about any tree around these parts!" Cheerilee giggled lightly. "You of all ponies should be able to do that in a heartbeat."

"This is an attempt at humor..." Applejack stared straight ahead. With a quiet hiss,

Gl1m0: Oh dear, she’s sprung a leak.

her eyes stretched in opposite directions then bounced back in place.

Lewis: Boing!

"Is it not?"

        "If I had any acorns to give you, I would, Applejack!" Cheerilee's expression stretched in concern.

Gl1m0: Cheerilee’s face is made of rubber. New headcanon accepted. Boop!

"Are you feeling alright?"

"The pony of mane most fuschia expresses worry. Fear not, citizen of horse horse.

Lewis: Has the powers of a horse, but is really... a horse!

Apple of Jacked unit functions at exceptional parameters."

Lewis: Robot imposters. It’s the only way this can make sense.

Gl1m0: Need an excuse for radical OOCness? BAM! ROBOTS! Is beautiful!

        "It almost sounds like you've lost your accent.

Gl1m0: “Lost”? Pfft. It took a freaking holiday to the Caribbean, that’s what it did.

It could just be a head cold." Cheerilee leaned a hoof forward to touch Applejack's forehead. "Have you got a fever—?" The farm mare's orange coat was red hot to the touch. Cheerilee squeaked in pain

AJ: Lil’ known fact, Miss Cheerilee is actually part mouse.

and jerked her hoof back, blowing habitually on it. "M-my goodness!"

"An accent. Accessing..." Applejack's head tilted twenty-five degrees to the right... forty-five degrees... ninety.

Gl1m0: Well, that can’t be good for her neck.

Lewis: She’s that robot thing with the miniature people in it from Doctor Who! I’m calling it!

"Accessing..." Suddenly, with a piston noise, it snapped back into position, followed by a flickering of the pony's forest green eyes. "Affirmative. An accent. We have one."

Lewis: No ya don’t.

        Silence reigned.

Lewis: Silence will fall when the question is asked.

        "Yes... well..." Cheerilee eventually spoke, smiling nervously. "I wish your luck in finding... erm... acorns!"

"It is no mere acorn that we search endlessly for," Applejack droned, looking directly over Cheerilee's head. "It is the Heart of the Ancient Sciuridae Empire, acquired through countless years of strife and bloodshed with the Heathen Confederacy of Chipmunk Feudal States.

Gl1m0: “It also looks really cool on a mantlepiece.”

They believe that the Rodent Goddess built incisors out of bone meal instead of tree bark. They shall all perish in a thousand righteous infernos for their heresy most abominable."

Lewis: Sorry, I zoned out. What was that about Jedi? Or wizards? Or... whatever? It kinda blurs together.

Gl1m0: Hey, don’t look at me. I’m just waiting for the movie.

        "Yes, well, if you're looking for... uhm... fall decorations..." Cheerilee turned and pointed over her shoulder at the bustling center of Ponyville. "Then I suggest you stop by your friend Pinkie Pie's Sugarcube Corner.

Gl1m0: “I hear she’s making... ‘candies’ right about now. She’ll ‘treat’ you well.”

AJ: Ugh, there’s one flashback Ah coulda done without...

She's just now baking the latest dessert treats for the upcoming Autumn Harvest Dance."

"Sugar of Corner Cubes?"

Lewis: Eh, close enough.

Gl1m0: “Good enough, let’s move on people!”

Applejack's voice rang with metallic curiosity.

AJ: Spoiler alert: it’s ‘cuz she’s metallic.

        Cheerilee opened her mouth, lingered, and blurted, "Close enough. Have a pleasant afternoon, Applejack!" she sing-songed.

"Of this we are in unanimous agreementsing."

Gl1m0: …… (starts scribbling in dictionary)

AJ: Sugarcube, ya know that Twi is gonna hate ya for messin’ up her dictionary, right?

Gl1m0: I’m willing to accept the risks.

Lewis: Make sure LOL is in there.

With a jerky spasm, Applejack half-curtsied, then raised a hoof up to tip her hat. She jabbed herself in the eye instead, but made no show of it. "Fare your wells, Berry of Punch."

Lewis: Okay, now all I can imagine is a BERRY... PAWNCH! in a Falcon Punch style.

Gl1m0: She’d be the worst F-Zero pilot of all time.

AJ: “Pardon me ma’am, but do you know you were doin’ seven-thousand in a four-thousand zone? Have you been drinkin’ tonight?”

Gl1m0: “NO, OFFICER!” *hiccup*

        "Uhm..." The school teacher squinted. "I'm Cheerilee..."

"Best of luck to your kicking of the fermented quaff."

Lewis: Umm... Okay?

Gl1m0: “Be sure to make it a double kick, otherwise it’ll just get back up.”

Applejack lumbered away, her face plowing through a half-barren tree branch and snapping twigs loose with the brim of her hat.

Gl1m0: Well, looks like AJ’s finally... (puts on sunglasses) ...snapped.

AJ: (facehoofs)

        Once she was several yards away, she ducked low behind a pile of fallen autumn leaves.

Lewis: “Leaf down, leaf down! Get a freaking medic!”

The green irises in Applejack's eyes rolled back, exposing pure white sockets. With a whirring noise, her brown hat tilted up. Steam vented out of a hollow space in the pony's skull. A furry body rose up, bearing goggles over his tiny, fuzzy cranium. Lifting his goggles, a bushy-tailed squirrel looked through a pair of binoculars, performing a detailed survey of Ponyville's downtown district.

Lewis: Called it.

Gl1m0: Squirrels... Should’ve known.

        "Psssst!" A voice hissed up from the hollow in Applejack's neck. "Do your see our destination?"

        "I think I found it," the one with the binoculars muttered. Lowering the binoculars, he pointed with a clawed finger towards a bright pink shape in the distance. "Over there. The building shaped like discarded picnic refuse."

AJ: What did you jus’ call mah Granny?

Gl1m0: She is getting on in years you know, AJ.

Lewis: I think we’re reading two separate stories.

        "What happened back there with the pony citizen?"

        "I don't know." The topmost squirrel grumbled. "I think some things were lost in the Translation Matrix.

Gl1m0: He actually flunked out of Equish/Squirrelean Studies class, but it’s not like he’ll admit it.

Still, she gave us some valuable information."

        "Then let's seal 'er back up and proceed with the mission!"

Gl1m0: “Today, Pony of Village! Tomorrow... THE WORLD!”

The voice down below chattered. "We've already lost a quarter of our reserve energy and we can't afford to waste anymore time!"

        "Copy that." With a grunt, the squirrel leapt down into the hollow of Applejack's skull.

Lewis: Well, I’m not saying anything, but...

A hissing noise announced the brown hat sliding back into place.

        Inside the pony's head, the pilot squirmed back into a plush seat situated in the center of a glowing array of sparkling lights and spinning instruments. After the hat hatch sealed above, a deep crimson aura illuminated the whole cockpit. A wide viewscreen gave birth to static ahead of the seated rodent, then flickered to a digital HUD broadcasting Applejack's forward point of view.

Gl1m0: Applejack’s head has HDTV? Lucky...

Lewis: Does it have Foxtel?

Steam hissed to the left and right of the pilot as he gripped four controller sticks—two with his hands and another pair with his feet. His bushy tail curled around a lever, and the whole interior of the mech wobbled as Applejack stood back up on even hooves.

        "Alright, let's do this!" The pilot gritted his bucked teeth. "For the glory of Mother Rushnut—"

Gl1m0: Good lord, communist squirrels? This can’t possibly be any worse.

Lewis: And it’s about to get worse.

        "Captain Pliskinuts!" A voice shouted up from the steamy bowels of the pony mech down below. A sweaty squirrel chirped with a radio pawed up against his ear. "Incoming Priority One Message from General H.Q.!"

        "Unnngh!" Pliskinuts slumped in the pilot's seat, rolling his black eyes. "What, now?! There's no time for this!"

        "You'd better respond, Captain, or they'll self destruct this unit from remote!  All squirrel secrets must remain hidden from the horse creatures!"

Gl1m0: Also, they don’t like to share. Which means they don’t care.

AJ: Ah don’t think Ah like these squirrels...

        "I know, I know." Pliskinuts slapped a switch and frowned ahead. "Onscreen."

        With a flurry of snow, a frowning face melted

Lewis: And this is why you don’t splash.

into view, complete with a scarred face and a green beret. Behind him, the transmission showed the enormous hollow of an oak tree covered in computer equipment with various rodents in uniforms working dutifully at their separate monitoring stations.

Gl1m0: Except for the intern playing Solitaire. What a waste of resources.

        "Captain Pliskinuts! Come in!"

        "I read you loud and clear, Colonel," the pilot responded, keeping the ire down in his voice.

Lewis: Down, boy!

"I'm about to engage the next leg of the mission. What's the emergency?"

AJ: “An’ why aren’t you wearin’ any pants?”

        "Pliskinuts, one of our operatives in the field has discovered that another member of Forage House may have infiltrated your location."

        Every squirrel inside the mech gasped, nearly dropping their instruments. Pliskinuts leaned forward, his toothy jaw agape.

Lewis: While I am a fan of gapes, I really think your jaw shouldn’t be one.

"Good heavens! Forage House?! You mean the secret combat organization that went rogue five years ago to perform mercenary assignments in the Everfree Forest abroad?!"

Gl1m0: “The same bastards who used to beat me up for lunch money in secret agent school?!”

        "Yes," the Colonel said, his face reading cold and grim across the fluctuating transmission. "And Forage House's new sworn leader is allegedly none other than your own brother, Licken Snoodle.

Lewis: Okay, what is up with that name? Licken Snoodle? Really?

Gl1m0: Somehow, it’s even worse than “Pliskinuts”.

So you must understand the gravity of this situation..."

        Pliskinuts, shuddered, gazing aside as he snarled, "Licken is no brother of mine. Not anymore. Not after what he did to me and..." He shut his eyes and palmed his face with a quivering paw. "... Gray Squirrel."

Lewis: Aww, no stupid name.

Gl1m0: You have raised my hopes, and dashed them quite expertly.

        "Yes, but the deadly virus he infected you two with also flows through his veins."

        Pliskinuts glanced up, blinking. "You mean..." He leaned forward in shock, his voice growling with a gravelly tone.

Lewis: Ouch, that’s gotta hurt.

"...Lickens is also a victim of the dreaded Forage Die?!"

        "Affirmative." The Colonel's face nodded. "So, as you can see, both of your days are numbered. If you run into him, do not allow your thirst for vengeance to take over."

Gl1m0: “So just in case, we packed a couple cans of RetriCola into your lunchbox to stave it off.”

The Colonel looked over his shoulder as the camera panned to show a superbly ticked-off mare with freckles and an orange coat bound and gagged to the inner wall of the tree hollow behind him.

Gl1m0: Oh dear. I get the impression this isn’t consensual.

AJ: Alright, I REALLY don’t like these squirrels now.

"As you can see, it has taken us a great deal of sweat and hard work to get to this point. The mech that you are piloting, is the most technologically advanced prototype of squirrelkind: Mare Gear.

Gl1m0: So... a Metal Gear crossover? Eh, still not the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen.

If we did not have this secret weapon in our arsenal, we would have forced you into a far less fortuitous expenditure, such as a one-squirrel-sneaking-mission."

Gl1m0: “It would’ve been cooler that way, sure, but at least we aren’t trying to milk a franchise to death, right?”

        "Luckily, it did not have to come to that." Pliskinuts' eyes narrowed. "Colonel, I believe I have a lead on where the Heart of the Ancient Sciuridae Empire is located."

        "Good. Pliskinuts, pilot Mare Gear into the ponies' heartland and retrieve the acorn at all cost. The glory of Mother Rushnut lies in your paws."

AJ: Must be pretty small glory.

Lewis: The glory of your country; Now in handheld form!

The camera panned away from the writhing farm mare and focused solely on the Colonel's emphatic glare. "Can we trust you to finish the mission?!"

        "Aye, Colonel, sir! You can trust in me to finish the mission!"

Gl1m0: He couldn’t be trusted to finish his Almonds, though. He just nibbles, then throws it out.

        "Then do so!" The figure in the viewscreen brought a paw up to his beret to perform a noble salute. "And bring honor to all of our fallen rodents in arms!"

        The screen went to static,

AJ: “Welcome to Static; Population: Insanity.”

Lewis: “Don’t feed the pigeons.”

then switched back to Applejack's feed. As it did so, a pale-faced foal with raspberry-red mane curls smiled plumply into the mech's face. "Why, thalutathionth, Apple Bloom'th bith thithter! Want thome thweet thinnammon thwirlth to take home to Granny Thmith?!"

Lewis: I think that sentence was designed to be the most irritating sentence to read ever.

Gl1m0: And least pronounceable.

        "Mare Gear!" Captain Pliskinuts shouted into a mic hanging above his cockpit seat. "Evasive maneuvers!"

        "Aye, Captain!"

        "Rear left hoof, locked and loaded!"

        Pliskinuts jerked on a control stick. "Fire!" he shouted.

Lewis: He would have said “Fire at Will”, but Will’d been complaining about unfairness.

        The world beyond the viewfinder spun as Applejack twirled one hundred and eighty degrees, pivoted her hips, and bucked Twist clear over a wooden fence and into a clattering junkyard beyond.

Gl1m0: AppleGear used Ultrabuck!

Lewis: It’s super-effective!

The sound of her foalish screams was muted by dog barkings and rattling detritus.

Lewis: You MONSTER!

        "Target eliminated, sir!" a voice shouted from below, followed by the sounds of victory shouts and high-fiving paws.

        "Good! Now, no more delays!"

Gl1m0: “Otherwise, we’ll miss the season finale of Doctor Who!”

Pliskinuts adjusted several dials and instruments. "Lower legs?!"

        "Standing by."

Lewis: Wow. Just... wow.

        "Front hooves?"

        "Standing by."

Gl1m0: Oh, I get it! It’s because they’re legs... and they’re... standing. Yeah, that sounded a lot better in my head...

        "Interior and Exterior flank servos?"

        "Both standing by."

        "Navigation?"

        "Ready when you are, Cap'n."

        "Artificial Neurological System?"

        "I've got a few kinks

Lewis: WHOA!

AJ: Okay, now THERE’S an image Ah’d have done better without.

Gl1m0: Though, it does explain why they had the real Applejack all tied-up in the base, though--(gets punched)--GAH! WHY MUST YOU HURT ME SO!?

left to work out in the Translation Matrix, but all other systems are functioning optimally!"

AJ: “In-Flight Entertainment?”

Lewis: “Still down.”

AJ: “Damn it!”

        "Good enough. Let's finish this." Pliskinuts took a deep breath and pushed forward on the controls. "In memory of Gray Squirrel..."

        With a grinding of gears and servos, Applejack trotted briskly forward. She crossed paths with a screeching stagecoach, knocked a gasping gray mailmare into a nearby thornbush, and scraped emotionlessly over a sidewalk, ruining three foals' chalk drawings and reducing the children to a crying mess.

Lewis: C-c-c-combo!

        "Captain...?" A squirrel spoke in a feeble voice from the engineering bay down below. "Is it true what the Colonel said? About you and Forage Die, I mean—"

        "At your station, Lieutenant!" Captain Pliskinuts grunted. "All that matters now is the mission! I can't afford to have any of you distracted!"

Lewis: “Do you know how much the tax is on distractions?”

        "Yes, s-sir. But of course, sir."

        Another voice shouted up. "Captain, sensors detect several life forms inside the dessert establishment dead ahead!"

Gl1m0: I see Pinkie’s ‘gingerbread mare’ recipe has made an astounding leap forward.

        "Then we must proceed with caution, or else risk being detected." Pliskinuts swung his controls forward. "I see a door. We must enter the building somehow."

Lewis: Open the door?

        "Accessing..." A voice muttered down below, then shouted, "Relaying pony-door opening instructions now!"

        "Affirmative." Pliskinuts twisted at the controls, licked his lips, and thrusted forward.

Gl1m0: ……I’m just not gonna say anything. For my sake.

AJ: Ah guess you are learnin’, sugarcube.

        With a thundering crash, Applejack plowed straight through the door frame.

Lewis: ...That works too.

She stood in the front entrance of Sugarcube Corner, twisting her head about as the dust settled and several splintery bits of wood clattered off her orange figure.

"We have arrived upon the threshhold of cupcaking."

Gl1m0: Oh, man... (writes down “cupcaking” in dictionary) ...Twi is gonna castrate me, I just know it.

Lewis: You know what cupcaking is, right? The act of turning people or ponies into cupcakes, a la the story Cupcakes. Which makes this a heck of a lot funnier, if you think about it.

Applejack faced the wide-eyed, blinking crowd within. "We desire the acorn and friendship, but mostly the acorn."

Lewis: I love that line. I have no idea why, I just do.

Gl1m0: Well, at least it’s good to see that Not-Applejack has her priorities straight.

        "Applejack! Awesomesauce!"

Lewis: “Did you grab some? I’m nearly out!”

Pinkie Pie bounced up from behind the counter. She frog leapt over the counter, plowed through a pair of elderly patrons,

Lewis: This story is going out of it’s way to be the most horrible thing rated ‘Teen’.

Gl1m0: Kidnapping, implied BDSM, violence against children, crude double entendres... yep, that’s a kid’s story. Definitely.

and skidded to a stop right in front of Applejack, her teeth grinning wider than the earth’s equator.

Lewis: KILL IT WITH FRICKING FIRE!

"Just in time! Wanna check out the latest cakes I've baked for the Autumn Harvest Dance?"

Gl1m0: “They’re vanilla-flavored! And they’re covered in spriiiinkles~!”

        With a squeaking noise, Applejack's neck pivoted towards the fluffy-maned mare. Her head pivoted to the side, whirred, then snapped back. After the green irises sprung back into their sockets, Applejack's mouth opened. "But of course, Twilighting the Sparkles. With great joy balls would we get fulfillment from thereby."

Lewis: I think there’s a dirty joke in there somewhere, but I can’t seem to find it.

        "Neato keano!" Pinkie Pie squeed.

AJ: Aw, great. Ya got it all over the floor.

She hoisted Applejack off her hooves with one limb and bounced merrily towards the kitchen, knocking the elderly ponies aside as they were trying to get back up.

Gl1m0: The elderly just can’t catch a break nowadays.

Applejack flopped and stumbled after her like a limp marionette as the pastel pink equine rambled endlessly: "At first I was thinking of baking a bunch of doughnuts with black icing and orange sprinkles because that would be in the spirit of Nightmare Night,

Lewis: But it’s-

but then I realized that it's far too late to celebrate Nightmare Night and besides too many ponies are afraid that stuff might go down again like it did last year with Princess Luna

Lewis: But-

and it would be way better to distract them by focusing entirely on the nature of the Autumn Harvest Dance instead, even if most ponies will be too full of sweet desserts to bother with dancing, unless of course they paced themselves in eating like my Auntie Pinkie Pie

Lewis: Wait, you were named after your aunt?

Gl1m0: GAAH! (rips papers to shreds) MY HEADCANON! IT’S RUINED!

Lewis: You bother to keep a headcanon? I just let the individual stories do their thing.

always said it was best to do—"

        Meanwhile, inside the pony mech, the squirrel stationed at the Translation Matrix was pulling at his scalp while the machine before him haphazardly spat out: ‘"—forced window upon the ultimatum sound with deleterious weather fowl crooked watersport piloting messages to severely criticize your...’"

Gl1m0: That’s actually a pretty accurate translation.

        "What in Mother Rushnut's name is going on down there?!" Pliskinuts shouted.

        "I-I have no idea, Captain!" The squirrel whimpered and banged at the computer console. "She's speaking way too fast for the system to process!"

Lewis: “She’s gonna blow!” ...What? I just saw the new Star Trek movie.

        One of the rodents at the rear legs spoke over the intercom. "Want me to fire a warning shot across her muzzle?"

Gl1m0: Well, if they were to do that, I guess you could call it... (puts on sunglasses) ...shooting her mouth off.

AJ: Sugarcube. NO.

        "No! Negative!" Pliskinuts grunted back, struggling to regain control of the mech's flopping body. "We can't risk the success of the mission! Now, calibrate for the loss of balance and bring her around so I can get a proper view of the—"

Gl1m0: “--pink horse’s rear end.” (Gets punched, again.)

AJ: Ah’m warning you again, pal...

        Just then, the viewscreen evened out. A towering cake loomed into view, atop of which there nestled a full, rich, enormous brown acorn.

Lewis: That’s the acorn version of Filthy Rich!

        Pliskinuts' mouth hung open. "—target."

Gl1m0: Oh, so I was right! (pauses) ...Please don’t hit me.

AJ: Gettin’ very hard not to, sugarcube.

        "Heeheehee!" Pinkie Pie bounced around Applejack. She performed a pirouette and stood on her hind legs in the center of Sugarcube's kitchen. "Ta-daaaaa! Isn't it the most awesome autumnal cake of autumnal awesomeness you've ever seen?!"

Gl1m0: An amazing airshow about absolute alliteration abuse!

        Applejack ticked, whirred, and ticked again.

Gl1m0: She seems rather... “ticked” off.

AJ: (threateningly) Sugarcube...

Gl1m0: What? I didn’t even use the glasses this time!

"Just essay!"

        Pinkie Pie blinked. She plopped back down on all fours with a twisted expression. "Huh?"

Gl1m0: I used to love Twister. Key phrase, “used to”.

        Inside, Pliskinuts jerked at the controls and kicked at an instrument panel.

Lewis: It was the trombone panel!

"Translation Matrix! Pronto!"

        "Got it!" A fuzzy thumb's up broke through the steam below the pilot. "Green light, Captain!"

Gl1m0: “STOP, RED LIGHT! Now green light… … … AH, AH! RED LIGHT!”

        Applejack's head swung like a pendulum before locking on the sight of Pinkie Pie. Her mouth hung open as the voice crackled forth, "A cake of supreme sugars, Twilighting Sparkleness. Most certain of you to please the flying princess of the horse horse."

Lewis: The Adventures of Horse Horse, and his sidekick, Bat Bat.

        "Heeheehee!" Pinkie Pie leaned forward and ruffled Applejack's golden bangs behind her hat. "Silly pony! Celestia's sworn off both cake and blood transfusions for the next six months!

Gl1m0: So, Celestia is a cake-eating vampire. Should’ve seen that coming.

She said so in the last letter Twilight shared with us, remember?"

"We remember blood rushing like geysers in the frozen courtyards of St. Petersbrittle."

Lewis: “We really should have grabbed those noodle implements, but oh well. We didn’t need the noodle’s anyway.”

        "Oooh! Speaking of Twilight!" Pinkie Pie bounced out of the room. "I've got some really sweet blueberry muffins to send her! I even used her own recipe to make ‘em! Stay here, I'll come back and show you!"

AJ: “Ah’ll just leave this amazing cake behind... with you... alone... and no one else... no one watching... no one to witness if anything bad would happen to it...”

        The doors to the kitchen swung to a stand still. Applejack was alone in the room... alone with the cake and the item of treasured glory mounting the top of it.

Gl1m0: I can only guess what she’s not going to do.

        "Captain!" the navigator spoke up the neck chamber of the Mare Gear. "She has departed! The target is ours!"

        "How did it even get in the ponies' grasp to begin with...?" Pliskinuts thought aloud, hunched over on his controls.

Gl1m0: Considering it’s impossible to actually “grasp” things with hooves, that seems like a fair question.

"It's almost as if this whole absurd scenario was a delicate arrangement..."

Lewis: Trollestia. Or whatever the squirrel version is.

        "Captain! The mission!"

        Pliskinuts snapped out of it, his face growing tight and earnest. "Right." He jerked forward at the controls. "Forward hooves, prepare to retrieve the Heart of the Sciuridae Empire!"

AJ: Looks like we finally come down to... (slips on a pair of shades) ...the heart o’ the matter.

Gl1m0: Wha-! You *hypocrite!*

        "Roger that! Engaging lateral motors!"

        "Adjusting for weighted variance!"

Lewis: Weighted what-now?

Gl1m0: “Variance”. It’s a measure of how far apart a set of numbers can be, and is usually utilized as a probability factor.

AJ: ...And them fancy mathematics apply here... how?

Gl1m0: In simple terms? The likelihood of your weight bringing you crashing to the floor. (gets slapped) AUGH! ...You know, this is the first time that being scientific ever made a girl slap me...

AJ: An’ it won’t be the last, pard.

        "Steady... Steady..." Sweat poured down Pliskinuts' furry face as his goggled eyes locked on the target beyond the viewscreen. "Almost got it..."

        Just then, the doors swung open again. Instead of a bouncing figure, a yellow shape came into focus.

Gl1m0: A circle, perhaps?

AJ: Uh... triangle?

Lewis: Ooh ooh ooh! A parallelogram!

        "Intruder sighted! Four o'clock!"

Lewis: “But it’s only 2:30!”

        "Stabilizers!" Pliskinuts hissed. He glanced to his right. "Switch to Camera three! Identify!"

        The viewscreen flickered, displaying the far end of the kitchen where a golden pegasus with a pink mane trotted slowly towards the mech. With soft, aquamarine eyes, the pony blew loose a tuft of hair and stared at the Mare Gear solidly.

Gl1m0: Oh, I get it! Ha! Haha... ha.

All: ………

Gl1m0: ...So yeah, Fluttershy showed up.

        "I need info, soldiers!" Pliskinuts grunted.

        "Coming in now!" A squirrel down below fumbled to speak. "Name: Fluttershy. Occupation: Animal caretaker." He looked up, cupping a pair of paws over his buck-toothed mouth. "She's harmless! What's more, she's an ambassador between ponies and squirrelkind!"

Gl1m0: “So, in other words, we’ll win for sure. BATTLE STATIONS!”

        "Ah yes, I've heard of her." Pliskinuts smiled. "Fluttershy the Kind. She nursed the Colonel's niece back to health after a terrible run-in with a griffon years ago.

AJ: All she needed was some glue to put those shredded pieces back together, an’ bam! All better. Or at least, good enough to look better.

Gl1m0: ‘Dem scars, though...

The pegasus is a true saint, an angel."

Fluttershy took two careful steps towards Applejack, twitched, and swung a violent hoof across the orange mech's face.

Lewis: Ouch!

Gl1m0: That looked rather painful. And terribly out-of-character.

Lewis: Wait, what? Why’s it ending?

Gl1m0: Beats the heck out of me. Although, that WOULD be one heck of a cliffhanger if anything...

Lewis: I’ll give you that... Hey, Pinks! Pinks? Pinkie?

(Silence)

Lewis: I think she’s gone.

AJ: Gone? Gone where?

Lewis: Hell if I know. She’s Pinkie Pie. She doesn’t even exist in this reality at the moment. Anyway, I can send you on your way if you like.

Gl1m0: You know, I think we’d both like that. Two riffs in one day is a bit... “much” for my tastes.

AJ: Seconded... with joy...

Lewis: Thirded. Anyway, (Proceeds to fiddle with the teleporter controls) where’d ya want to go?

Gl1m0: Back to where I wanted to go in the first place; the CRF. The co-ordinates are secret, but... (whispers in Lewis’ ear)

Lewis: Right, got it. I take it that it’s in Equestria?

Gl1m0: You got it. Just... you know, roughly... underground.

Lewis: Okay, all set.

Gl1m0: Perfect... I guess this is goodbye then... Lewis, I think? Well, we hardly knew ye.

Lewis: Trust me, Pinks’ll bring ya back. Anyway, off you go! (Flicks a lever)

(Gl1m0 and AJ disappear in a glow of light)

Lewis: Now to make up an excuse for Pinkie...