You're Now A Man

It’s the magic hour at your favorite Wendy’s, the most romantic place you could afford.  Things have been kind of tough ever since you lost your job at the warehouse, which was totally not your fault, by the way.  How were you supposed to know that sniffing a co-worker's hair was grounds for sexual harassment?  It’s not like anyone told you.

Whatever.  It’s all the fault of women, anyway, not you.  You’re awesome.  Women are just a bunch of feminazis who want to make you be ashamed for being a man.  Women are all whores who slept around with the dumbest guys in High School and called you a spazzy, fatass homo.

That’s why you fell in love in ponies, one in particular: the pony whom you have made your waifu.

Fluttershy.

From the moment you first saw her in episode one, the way she shied away from the world, you knew it was true love.  Her kindness and beauty were a far cry from the harsh bleakness that was your world.  These ponies were so idyllic and cute, whereas all the humans had the unforgivable flaws of being nuanced and not being super-model hot.  Women were so incessantly independent and repulsed by you, but Fluttershy seemed so beautifully submissive.  You knew you had to have her, but realized you couldn’t in this state.  Thus, you came to the logical conclusion: suicide.

Unfortunately, your attempts at ending your human life were not fruitful.  That socialist monkey Obama wouldn’t allow you to own a gun, you had no knives or razor blades to slit your wrists (as you eat all food with your hands and do not shave), and you were unable to jump off a tall enough building to jump off of.  One flight of stairs is your limit before you need to catch your breath, and you didn’t have all day.  You needed your waifu now!  You needed to escape from this nightmarish adult life of personal responsibility and consequence for actions!

Alas, it seemed hopeless.  No modes of suicide were in your grasp (Literally.  You can’t even lift your arms to reach the bottle of aspirin in the medicine cabinet anymore).  You realized at that moment that you would never get your perfect life with your perfect waifu.  All was lost.

Then, it happened.  By some divine miracle, she appeared out a rip in space time right in the middle of your living room.  There she was, shaking, scared and confused.  Just like in the show!

It was adorable.  She was screaming, "Twilight!  Twilight!? What happened!?  Where am I!?  Where is everypony!?  Help!!!"

Of course!  It wasn't a miracle at all!  Twilight realized how needy Fluttershy was, so she sent her to her savior (you).  Luna bless her sexy, purple-ass heart!

You now had Fluttershy right where you wanted, and now, all you had to do was pounce... BUT NOT YET!

No, you had not the strength yet to claim the prize of Fluttershy’s perfect flank.  First, you had to fill up with a nutritious meal to build your sexual stamina.  Admittedly, you're a little nervous, as this will become your first sexual experience since you were five.  However, unlike your pee-wee soccer coach, Fluttershy will really let you be comfortable with yourself.  She won't make any cracks whatsoever about your penis being too small.  She's perfect like that.

Thus, the scene is set at Wendy’s, where you are eating like a king with your trophy queen.

The canary-colored goddess sits across you from the table, looking as angelically radiant as ever.  She hides her face behind that sexy, pink mane that you just want to cut off locks of and sniff all night as you choke yourself with your belt.  Fluttershy would be flattered.  She’s that perfect.  She’s not like that temptress from your old job, Stacy.  That bitch was totally giving you mixed signals and she deserved what you gave to her.

You look back to your new waifu, and she mumbles something incoherent, but you’re sure she’s saying, “I love you.  I’ll never leave you.”

You take a large bite of your delicious “Son of Baconator” sandwich.  Neglecting to wipe your mouth, you lean in for a kiss from your waifu.  Something’s wrong, however.

Your new property shys away.  Not only that, but she cries out in what sounds like fear.  What's going on?

After a quick burp, you breathily (by that, I mean you’re breathing rather heavily) ask your princess, “What’s wrong, Flutters?”

Your waifu shakes and recoils in your presence.  She stutters, “P-please, mister.  I-I just wanna g-go home.”

Well that’s the issue, then.  Obviously, Fluttershy is still nervous about her new home.  It certainly doesn’t help that there are ravenous looks coming from the table across the room.  The time comes for you to be the brave knight that you imagined yourself to be in countless “Princess Bride” second person fanfictions.

You back your chair out a good three feet from the table to allow yourself the freedom to move.  As you struggle to get up, you glare with fury at the evil group of schoolkids sitting at the table.  Oh sure, right now it doesn’t look like they were gawking at you and your waifu, but you sure as hell know that you can’t trust anyone in this cruel world of awful humans.

“Hey!”  You call out to the little bastards.  “What do you want with me and Fluttershy?”

The children stare blankly at the question.  Typical, it seems.  What else do you expect from such awful children?  They’re also so dumb, that they don’t understand a simple question.

“You get the fuck out of here!  If I see you touchin’ mah waifu, I’ll kill you!”  You stop to catch your breath.  Two loud phrases in a row can be tough on the old lungs.  It’s genetic, you’re sure.

The children look perplexed.  One of them asks, “What’s wrong with you, buddy?”

You’ve never been more insulted in your life.  There’s nothing wrong with you!  You’re fucking perfect, and now you’ve got the waifu to prove it!  Not wanting to put up with these indignities any further, you grab one of the numerous hot chilis sitting at your table and throw it as hard as you can.  It only lands about halfway between you and the table where the children are sitting at, but surely that ought to scare them good.

However, it seems that you’ve spoken too soon.  The urchins begin laughing at you, which means that they're laughing at you AND your waifu by extension!

“IF YOU DON’T GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE AND LEAVE ME ALONE IMMA KILL EVERYONE!!!”

The manager at the counter overhears this.  “Ay, bitch-ass!  Git the fuck outta here, or Imma call the cops on y’all.”

Your waifu begins crying.  “How fucking dare you make mah waifu cryyyy???”

“Me, scaring her?”  He snorts.  “Nigga, what the fuck you talkin’ bout.  You fuckin’ scurry.”

The cops burst in on the scene.  “Alright buddy, you’re coming with us.”

This is all too much.  They couldn’t let you be happy with your waifu.  It’s all crumbling.  You couldn’t take it any more.

All 300 pounds of you collapse on the floor of the Wendy’s.  Your final sight is Fluttershy fleeing away like a madpony.  Most likely it’s out of grief.  You don’t blame her, as you are dying of a broken heart.  Of course, the rat Jew coroner will label it something sickeningly clinical like “Coronary Arrest”.

Thus you ascend to the paradise of Equestria for good.

Fin.