Future Progressive: The Speedfics and Drabbles of Present Perfect

by PresentPerfect

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Granny Smith, Original Character, Fluttershy, Anthology, Applejack
Length: 63611

A collection of speedfics and other stuff. Most of it is really goofy.

NO LONGER BEING UPDATED! Stories will continue in Past Conditional!

Present Perfect's Award-Winning Platefic, aka The Zebra Manuscript, aka "Where Do Fillies Come From?" (Beyond Random): There is really no explanation for this.

The Nether Apple (Dark, Human): I once ran a Tumblr called Ask the Nether Apple, with all of two posts, a spinoff of the better Ask the Derpmuffin. I wanted to post the introduction story here for posterity. Not pony-related, and knowledge of Ask the Derpmuffin is recommended.

It Was a Bright and Sunny Day in Ponyville (Random, Adventure): An exercise in mocking purple prose and the 'weather report' opening. It is a single, grammatically correct sentence that takes 500 words to accomplish what happens in the title.

Twilight's Guts (Dark, Random): Twilight awakens covered in her own entrails. How did that happen?

The 6th Step (Human): I overcome my fear of heights with the help of some friendly ponies in my head. A true story.

Movin' on Up (Random): The walls start shakin', the earth is quakin', Dr. Whooves' mind is achin' and what the bloody hell is actually going on?

A Very Nasty Habit (Random): Chrysalis is confronted by a Councillor worried about her health. How did changelings get those holes in their legs, anyway?

The Call of Carrothulhu (Dark, Crossover): Carrot Top's garden hides many wonders, but some were never meant to be pulled from the earth.

Blue, Green, Purple, Pink (Dark): My mane is lovely, don't you think? So many colors, swirling, never ending, constantly shifting, always in my field of vision. Help.

Waiting for Rarity (Sad): Rarity is off pursuing her dreams. What does this mean for her friends?

War Comes to Equestria (Dark): Celestia has spent countless lifetimes honing Equestria into a peaceful haven for her little ponies. So when an ambassador from the griffins casually speaks of war, it is understandable that she might become a tad... peeved. Inspired by The Descendent's excellent story "A Cup of Joe". Somehow.

The Lamentation Chain (Sad, Random): Five souls find themselves caught in a common thread of sadness and longing on the eve of the new year.

The Heart Holds Grudges With Gravity (Random, Crossover): Applejack and Rarity have had a long-standing feud since before Twilight even knew them. The time has finally come to settle the score.

Burdens of the Throne (Random): The Princess of Love was angry...

The Summer of the Giant Moth (Random): When a giant moth roosts on Applejack's barn, she learns to appreciate the things we have or something, I dunno. Contains the phrase "tremendous death fart". More than once.

Rusty in the Giddyup (Comedy, Romance): Notably uptight noblepony Persnickety finally meets the mare of his dreams. But she's not exactly what she seems to be...

A Chance Encounter on Route 66 (Slice of Life): After a breakdown in the middle of nowhere leaves her stranded, help comes to Wild Fire straight out of a past she wanted to forget.

Pareidoilia, or the Importance of Crochet (Sad, Slice of Life): Pinkie Pie tells her granddaughter about the five greatest ponies she ever knew.

Somepony Still Loves You, Trixie Lulamoon (Human): I end up in Equestria, which is weird, because Equestria isn't real, I'm not a pony, and I didn't really want to come here in the first place. Also, the ponies are dicks. Don't go to Equestria, kids, it sucks.

No Jobs Tonight (Human, Sad): My name is PinkPartyPony and I live in a Corrugated with my best friend Pinkie Pie. I'll tell you about her and me and what we do together and my Box Friends and strawberries.

Handy-Dandy (Random): Flying around at the speed of sound one day, who should Rainbow Dash run into but the Great and Powerful Trixie? But little did she expect, the unicorn has a revelation that will blow her mind!

Mowe (Dark, Comedy): Applejack was a fat baby, and her parents are dead.

Bat for Lashes (Adventure): Roughing it does not mean bringing an eyelash curler, at least not to Applejack. After all, it's not like she'll ever find herself embroiled in an eyelash-curling emergency out in the wilderness... Right?

Rainbow Dash Gets a Big Ball of Lame Stuck in Her Throat (Comedy, Random): And it kind of sucks!

No Harm, No Waterfowl (Comedy, Random): Beaten, humiliated and humbled, Trixie has been brought low and understands the horrible things she's done. Now, in a wildlife reserve miles away from civilization, she has found peace. But it is a fragile peace, ready to shatter when a flock of ducks arrive from afar.

The Eye and the Web (Slice of Life): An old seer is summoned to Ponyville to perform her last seeing.

And a Smile Means Friendship to Everyone (Random, Slice of Life): Fleur holds a press conference to talk about just what she did to revolutionize children's entertainment.

A Tsundere Diamond Tiara Schoolyard Romance Story (Random, Romance): Diamon Tiarda has a secrets she doesnt actually not never hate Apple Bloom but don't tell nopony shhh. I wrote this for Jake the Army guy because.

The Brony Princess (Human, Crossover, Random): Katelyn's life is awful: school sucks, her parents are idiots, and her only solace is watching My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. So when she's whisked off to a magical kingdom full of talking equines, things start looking up. Except it's not the kingdom full of talking equines she was hoping for... (Will not be finished.)

A Blackout in Ponyville (Random, Crossover): Blackout -- a giant, evil robot covered in guns and blades -- visits Equestria to see one particular pink party pony. Hopefully he won't squish any of the organics. A crossover with Transformers: Animated that will likely not be understandable to anyone unfamiliar with the show.

Vinyl Scratch Drops the Title (Teen: Sex, Random, Comedy): During the decannual Main/Background Exchange Day, Vinyl Scratch ends up sorting books with Princess Twilight Sparkle much to her chagrin and eternal boredom.

Love Means Never Having to Say You're Hungry (Romance, Dark): Rainbow Dash has a problem with Pinkie Pie.

Lines (Comedy, Slice of Life): A time-displaced warrior from Equestria's distant past ekes out a living in modern Manehattan. All she wants is coffee, and all the motor-mouthed unicorn at the computer store wants is to sell her the latest in Equestrian technology.

The Shortest Breakup Fic Ever (Romance, Comedy, Random, Sad): Two ponies discover they have irreconcilable differences. (Reading by AShadowOfCygnus!)

Star Bright (Original Version) [Adventure]: A young mare goes off into the Everfree Forest, seeking a way to come out from under her mother's shadow.

The Totally, For-Real Shortest Breakup Fic Ever (So Long as You Don't Look at the Character Count) [Romance, Sad, Random]: Pinkie has a tearful confession for Rarity about Rainbow Dash. (Reading by AshadowOfCygnus!)

Kiss of the Sea Queen (Adventure, Romance): After accidentally being turned into seaponies, Twilight, AJ, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy get swept up in the political strife of their underwater cousins. (Will not be finished.)

"Speak, Butt, and Enter" (Random, Adventure, Butts): Daring Do finds out just why she brought Ditzy along on her latest adventure when they come across a strange inscription outside a lost temple.

Matter Was I, If It Would (Random): In the wake of Princess Twilight getting a nifty-keen crystal tree castle, Pinkie has to ask Twilight a very difficult question. Or it might be a very silly question, I'm not sure.

Sunset Shimmer Plays Baseball (2nd Person, Romance, Comedy, Random, Equestria Girls): Fresh haircut, chocolates, flowers: you're all set for your first date with Sunset Shimmer!

Underneath It All (Random): As the Ghost of Hearth's Warming Future, Luna was awfully... tall.

Rainbow Dash and Fluffle Puff Try to Play an MMORPG (Random): They fail miserably.

Friendly Fire (Adventure, Random, Sad): In a ruined city, hunting for a lost relic, Twilight and Fluttershy smell something burning.

That's Amore (AU, Random): Starlight Glimmer needs to figure out how to pass five friendship lessons at once. Surely pasta will help!

That'll Do, Pig (Teen: Sex, Comedy, Equestria Girls, Random): Sunset Shimmer has something very important to say.

I'll Show You "Apple Brown Betty"! (Random): Rainbow Dash takes a dump on Applejack. They can't all be winners!

Daring Do and the Compact of Doom (Comedy, Equestria Girls, Random): Daring Do gets ready for another rousing treasure hunt, with all the things a brave adventurer needs to succeed!

Applejack Kicks It Up a Notch (Comedy, Random): Bam! Applejack is here to make everything spicier! A spiritual sequel to Things Rainbow Dash Doesn't Like.

Things Fluttershy Is an Expert In (Comedy, Random): Pretty much just Fluttershy yelling at ponies. Spiritual sequel to Things Rainbow Dash Doesn't Like.

Apple Slices (Sex, Drama, Sad): Golden Delicious, feeling trapped by his cozy, provincial life, goes in search of greener pastures. What he finds is a unicorn.

Published 2012-02-13 12:14:02 UTC
Last updated 2017-10-04 13:43:13 UTC

The Nether Apple

A night had passed without incident; then another; then a third. By the fourth muffin-free night, I was beginning to breathe easier, not to mention sleep through the night without waking up. I should have recognized the signs of letting down my guard, but foolishly, I thought, or at least hoped, that the danger had passed.

This was not to say that symptoms did not remain. I had trouble eating anything for a while and began losing weight. I avoided bakeries. I found myself constantly looking over my shoulder. One day, I saw a woman outside a coffee shop, handing out free samples. Bile rose in my throat as I realized just what the proffered confections were, and it took all my willpower not to scream in terror as I ran, tears blinding my sight.

This was no way to live.

I considered therapy, but feared the doctor would laugh in my face. Hope said that I would overcome the fears as time passed, but hope is a bastard.

If there was any silver lining to the trials I had endured, it was an improvement in my eating habits. That tends to happen when the sight of baked goods invokes primal fear. My guard was at its lowest as I purchased fruit at the supermarket. In the wax-coated sheen of a red apple, I saw my face reflected, twisted and unrecognizable.

Then a voice spoke in my head, a dark voice of unfathomable age that chilled the marrow in my bones.

What do you desire?

It was not the muffin, yet whatever it was brought back the memory of all those terrible nights at its mercy. I searched around vainly, despite knowing that, whatever the voice's source, I would not be able to find it.

I understand your desires.

My eyes grew wide. The apple in my hand stirred and I tried to drop it reflexively. Though my fingers opened, it remained affixed to my palm. Though I shook my hand, it stayed in place. Cold terror clenched my heart as four transparent, insectoid wings sprouted from it. A jagged line opened across its front, into a terrible toothed maw filled with the dark void of eternal nothingness. It spoke, but its voice was a thousand voices that spoke no language ever uttered by man. My sanity began to slip away, and I could do nothing but observe it happen. I screamed.

All at once, I found myself in my bed, awoken as if from a dream. I could not move, my limbs held rigid not by restraints but through the pure horror coursing through my body.

The apple sat upon my chest, its mouth opening and closing as that eldritch chatter assailed my ears, my brain tying itself in knots as it tried to make sense of the noise. It unfurled its wings, raising them over me as I prayed to anything that I could just wake up.

You are already awake, mortal.

The thing lifted slowly up, despite its motionless wings, and I could feel, though it had no eyes, that it was looking down upon me, savoring the moment, relishing what it was about to do.

That which you desire has already been granted. You wish to be free of my brother's dominion, yet you already are. But fear not... he shall trouble you no more.

My mouth opened to scream. Notagainnotagainnotagain. Nothing came forth, not even breath, as the apple divided into six neat slices and rushed for the opening.

You shall not want for his absence.

The apple pieces jammed themselves one by one into my mouth, tiny wings humming against my palate. I wanted to sneeze; I want to vomit. I could do nothing but gasp for air as I blacked out once more.

It Was a Bright and Sunny Day in Ponyville

The volatile throes of cosmic birth set in motion eons of recombinant chemical reactions, building and roiling through the deathly mirror's coffin of space before they were harnessed by forces arcane to be cast upon the firmament with calm splendor as that greatest of spheres, which had in its day seen the rise of great civilizations, which, be they savage primitives who, in their hide tents and bearing wooden spears to prick and stab one another, worshipped its radiance as godlike and danced about fires during the night, praying for the dawn's eventual return to end the darkness which had so frightened them into forming civilization, or feuding fiefdoms that once enacted ever-present field melees between writhing hundreds, each soldier striving to his final jagged, vain breaths to be the one about whom the tales and sagas would proclaim, "He was the greatest of heroes, and for his contribution above all others, he will be remembered upon this day and all those following it," for the glory of his monarch, whether born into their realm or deciding on his own to stand for their crown, or arrogant ancients whose gilded ivory towers glistened and gleamed above alabaster streets, vantages from whence they could remain ensconced in their own sense of self-superiority, symbolized in their elevation above those whom they deemed unwashed, unfit, unworthy, each in turn crumbled and fell beneath the onus of its own indignities, and which gazed despondently upon the desiccated and darkest, most forgotten corners of a realm which in its heyday was wild and untamable, but whose denizens had learned through those mystic energies to still the passions of nature and collect those most monstrous and savage elements over which no reign could hold sway together into one ignominious blot of forested landscape, a space whose very being blasphemed against the new order of the world, and that, in its every moment's existence as a place of nightmares and haunts the boundaries of which not even the bravest of heroes would dare breach without at least a second pair of eyes to watch over them, hurled vile curses upon the very name of the land which surrounded it, shone majestically over the quiet hamlet of Ponyville, bastion of earth pony ingenuity, resplendent in its domestic humility beneath the watchful gaze of Canterlot on high, that most august of cities, with its opulent castle perched along, atop and within purple mountainous grandeur, wherein resided the regal lady whose magnificent orb did so rise in the sky upon this morn, bringing with it light, life, warmth, happiness and tranquility to the peaceful residents who awoke in the town below, to toil endlessly in their bountiful fields, hawk their hard-grown or hoof-made wares to the numerous passersby who would partake of the day's temperate glow as they traveled to work, play, or educational institution, or simply enjoy the benefits of being alive beneath the greatest symbol of peace and prosperity which they, in their brief lives, had ever known.

Author's Note

If that seems like too huge a block of text to deal with, why not let Illya Leonov read it to you in his majestic voice?

The 6th Step

The 6th Step
by Present Perfect

There are three things that I've always been consistently afraid of: spiders, heights, and the infinite. The last one I don't really want to get into, but the first has mitigated somewhat over the past decade. I freak out less when I see spiders; I've come to realize I'm not afraid of jumping spiders or tarantulas. If they don't invade my home, I leave them alone, and I regret the ones I kill because it's still a life taken. For the record, the only things I kill with impunity these days are mosquitoes and fleas; I have no respect for parasites. But spiders? It's not their fault I hate them; I just do. And I could talk at length about my more abstract phobias -- fear of failure, fear of being wrong, fear of change and new things -- but it's the middle one, the high places, that's key.

Although I said that I've always been consistently afraid of heights, that's not completely true. One year, I took a family trip out West to visit my grandfather. On the way home, we went north through the Rockies, as my brother and I had never been there, and it was during one particularly steep and winding patch of highway that the change in my fear occurred. As my parents recount it, they were all scared stiff -- dad white-knuckling the steering wheel; my mother with her fingers wrapped around the door handle, pointedly looking anywhere but to the side; my brother with his head between his knees -- while I was plastered to the window, gazing out at the highway dropping down below us and exclaiming, "Hey you guys! You gotta see this! This is amazing!"

Looking back on it later, I decided that in fact I am not afraid of heights, but of falling. More specifically, the sensation of losing control over my body is what triggers the fear reaction. I experienced the same feeling of panic once while slipping on a patch of ice during the winter; these two occurrences are how I realized the true nature of my fear. So long as I feel that I am in a secure position, I can lean out over the high banister or look over the edge of the gorge sans temerity. And while I've let fear rule my entire life, this revelation helped me take steps toward controlling my fear.

High places still suck like jumping spiders, though.

Fast forward about a decade or so to today. I got a job, finally, at a local adhesives manufacturer. I do the paperwork necessary to get orders shipped out in time, and no, telling people "My job is shipping" has yet to get old. While I do enjoy the paperwork to some degree, there are unfortunately other, more physical, aspects of my job that I like far less, namely picking orders.

The basic idea is that a customer places an order, and then someone -- I'm not sure who. I've only been here for a month and no one tells me anything -- prints out a little piece of paper called a picking ticket that tells you where to go looking for the materials the customer ordered. The places the materials are kept are organized into areas, given a number, which are full of shelves, lettered from A to D in most spots. A is on the floor and the D shelves are up near the ceiling.

I once calculated the ceiling of our facility to be around twenty-two feet. You can probably see where this is going.

My supervisor, Pam, is always excited when I come to pick orders for some reason, and she treats me well by giving me the "easy" ones, maybe because it's not really my job, I don't know. I've told her that, by myself, I can reach the B shelves, and up to H in the 7 area, where the shelving is spaced more closely, but anything else is going to be problematic for me. On this day, she handed me a picking ticket and said, "Don't worry, I think everything's low." Glancing at it, I saw four separate items that needed to be pulled, and plenty of A's for their locations, so I got myself a little cart and set about pulling vinyl laminate rolls.

Imagine my consternation when, upon reaching the third item and giving it an actual reading, I saw the shelf listed as being C. I hesitated, but as I consider myself to have a good work ethic, I decided to head over to the 3 area and give it a look.

Indeed, the shelf was far, far above my head. B, for reference, is about at chin-level for me at six-foot-four, and I can usually reach the top boxes in the stacks by standing tip-toe. C is a good five feet above that.

It just so happened that in this aisle of the 3 area was Charles, an older gentleman who, for the first two days of my employment, I never saw leave his tow motor -- that's a forklift to the rest of us. I'd wondered if maybe he didn't live in it. He was taking stock of a pair of pallets laden with boxes, and I thought, "Maybe I should ask him to get this down for me." But he was quite busy, so I decided to ask him later, and instead attempted using the stepladder which also happened to be in that aisle.

Now when I say "stepladder", I'm not talking about a little wooden stool or anything that looks safe for human usage. You may have seen something similar in big-box stores: twenty or so feet high, made of metal poles and held together by screws, its steps thin and full of holes, with large gaps in between them. They usually shake when people climb up and down them. Not good conveyances for people afraid of falling.

But I intrepidly dragged it over and read the safety instructions, stepping on the lowest step to lock it in place. I tried shaking it front to back and found it to be amazingly stable, a good sign. Side to side was another matter. I looked up, saw the top wiggling back and forth, and became very, very concerned. This was about the time I remembered I'd wanted to ask Charles for help, only to turn around and see that he had finished his work and vanished completely. I became quite nervous.

Gripping the thick metal rails of the stepladder, my palms began to sweat. It didn't help that it was a ninety-degree day with better than fifty percent humidity and I had been sweating like a pig since I'd gotten to work. I began my ascent, dismayed to discover that the first step actually depressed under my weight. That would not be fun going back down.

I tried to focus on thoughts of climbing the wooden stairs leading into my attic, likewise gappy and far more rickety than this lovely metal staircase. The end result would be very similar, after all: just go up a few steps, grab something above my head, and bring it back down. It was nothing I hadn't done before.

Four steps up, I realized just what deep shit I was in. Dizzy and short of breath, I clutched at the rails, kneeling on the steps in front of me. Mistakenly, I looked up to see how much further I had to go; I was but halfway there. I slumped on the steps, heart racing, thinking about nothing except how fucking scared I was. Through the gaps in the shelving, I could see my coworker Charlene, who I didn't really know, over by the coating press. With my eyes, I begged her for help, but if she saw me, she didn't respond.

"I need water," I finally said to myself, "that's it!" Dehydration was the enemy on hot days like this, after all, and I'd already experienced once before the dizziness, disorientation and lack of focus that came with not drinking enough water. I slunk backward down the steps and shakily made my way to the bathroom, all the way on the other side of the factory floor, as though putting distance between myself and that aisle would ameliorate the fear.

My second attempt went no better. Alec, an order picker who the others call "Droopy", saw me trying to psych myself up while on the bottom step and asked if I was going to be pushing the ladder his way. I shook my head no. He got the rolls he had come to the aisle for and left without further inquiry. I wasn't sure if I had wanted him to or not. I was really regretting not having asked Charles for help when I had the chance.

"It's okay," I told myself, "this thing is safe. It's OSHA certified." Or at least the sticker on the side of it had said so. It might as well have been High Mage certified, for all that actually meant to me.

I mounted the ladder again, five steps this time. "I can't do it" flashed through my head over and over as I hyperventilated. "I'll have to quit" was the only other thing I could think of. "I'm not cut out for this job."

All I could think of were people I would have to tell. My motherly supervisor, Pam. Christopher, the company controller, who I'd no doubt have to tender my resignation to. William, our soon-to-retire plant manager, who had seen something in me and given me the job in the first place. Bart, the sales guy who, a week into my job, came to yell at us for screwing up an order -- thankfully shipped before I began -- then a month later stopped by to say he'd "heard good things" about me. They would all shake their heads in disappointment and wonder where they'd gone wrong. I'd be back looking for jobs again.

I had to do go up there and get that box. But I wasn't, I couldn't. Yet I couldn't quit; I needed this job. It was too much to handle. I backed down. Third time's the charm, right?

Looking up again, I saw one of the boxes sticking out beyond those below it. I'd been aiming for that one, as it would be easy to pull down. I realized my climb would be far lower up the ladder if I aimed for the boxes all the way on the right, stacked only two high. I undid the safety lock on the ladder, pushed it forward, and secured it again.

"Only five steps," I said. "Just five steps and I can reach."

I got to four before I lost count. I pushed myself to the next step. I looked up, the boxes so far away, and reached out, touching the one all the way at the end.

It wouldn't budge.

"Fuck," I said under my breath, "fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck." This continued for a good two minutes. I was so close, but I couldn't move them, not while holding safely onto the railing!

Then a thought came to me out of nowhere: "What would Rainbow Dash do?"

"Keep climbing, duh!" She snorted, crossing her hooves. "What is this, giving up?"

She was right. But I couldn't go any higher.

"Come on, ***," said Applejack, "I know darn tootin' you're capable o' doin' this."

"You've already come so far!" Rarity added. "It would be such a shame to turn back now!"

"If you do it, I'll make you a cupcaaaake!" Pinkie chimed in.

"I was scared once," said Fluttershy, "but I got through it because my friends were there."

She had a point. With the ponies here, I felt that maybe, just maybe, I could push through this. Twilight was the last to add encouragement.

"The shaking is just an illusion. The fear is all in your mind. Control it!"

I squeezed my eyes shut and reached out. I grabbed the box, and with two fingers, lifted it a tiny bit. It budged.

"That's the spirit!" Rainbow Dash and Applejack cheered, high-hoofing each other.

"You can do it!" crowed Rarity. "Just reach out, we're here!"

"Do it for me?" Fluttershy asked, her eyes large. "Please?"

"We all believe in you, ***," Twilight said, smiling. "Nothing bad will happen!"

"I'll even sing you a song!" cried Pinkie, and launched into a rendition of Giggle at the Ghostly.

I laughed. I reached out with my other arm, abandoning my death grip on the ladder, and grabbed the box. It was fucking heavy -- fifty-four inch rolls are -- but I scooted it forward, tilted it down, got my other hand near the back and drew it to the step above me.

"I did it!" I breathed, like something out of a cheesy movie.

Standing the box on end, I was able to bump it gently down the stairs. For a moment, I worried I might be damaging the box, but then I told myself a little box damage was better than the customer not getting their roll.

I dragged it down the final steps and hefted it onto my cart. I was halfway there; it had only taken me thirty minutes since when I'd first come into the 3 area. Gripping the railings once again, I steeled my nerve. I'd just done it, after all; what was one more roll?

I was on the sixth step before I knew it. With the ponies cheering me on, I grabbed the box that had been next to the one I'd just gotten and dragged it down the steps the same way, placing it next to its twin and marking off the item as pulled. Then I sat down on the second step of the ladder and took my glasses off.

I had to laugh. Whatever had just happened, it had worked. I'd never, and I mean never been able to psych myself through fear that way before. And it wasn't like I felt invincible or even able to do it again. Well, maybe a tiny bit invincible, but I certainly hoped I would never have to go through it ever again.

Still, as I wondered whether perhaps I was losing my sanity, or if I would be able to muster up this kind of courage ever again, if I would have to rely on the apparitions or learn to do it on my own, the fact remained that I had done it. All it had taken were some colorful marshmallow ponies. For all the cheesiness of the situation that I had just found myself in -- I mean, I had actually said, "I did it!" That's so retarded -- it had happened, and I felt great.

For the first time in my life, I had conquered fear.

Author's Note

I felt the need to write this journal-esque piece as a sort of cathartic release, because I just can't get over this event. Yes, this actually happened, and yes it was all in my head. I've attempted to recount everything I possibly could, but I may have fudged the dialogue a little. The thing I'd like my readers to come away with from this piece is the real effect a non-real occurrence had. Maybe you can try this yourself sometime, if ever you're faced with adversity. When it's all in your mind, it doesn't matter how real the methods are when they work.

And yeah, I posted this as a blog in June of last year, but I was reminded of it recently and realized I could shove it into the ol' compilation post. I'm moving it up into the list to about where I think it was written.

Spoilers: I would continue to pull orders from the C level shelves for the remainder of my stay with that company. It always took a bit longer than lower shelves, but I did it. (D level was another story for another time.) I quit the job in April the following year, after a year of employment. The height factor was just one of the many, many reasons I couldn't handle it, but hardly the most salient.

I still don't have a new job. :(

EDIT 10/29/23: I have removed my birth name from this story as I no longer feel comfortable having it easily accessible on the internet, despite its presence being appropriate for the time. (i.e., why I didn't just replace it)

A Very Nasty Habit

"My Queen," the thin voice wailed, "this habit is unbecoming of one of your station. Not to mention it's not good for--"

A blast of green energy lifted the hapless changeling into the air and slammed him against the wall. Chrysalis took a long drag on her cigarette and blew the smoke into his face.

"When one is fated not to die of natural causes, Councillor," she rasped, "one eventually finds that the only pleasures in life are the deadliest. Now get out."

The Councillor, though rubbing his neck in pain from the sheer force his sovereign had exerted upon it, nevertheless pressed his attack. "My Queen, I only care for your health and safety. Such an extensive life as yours should be lived in the peak of health, lest you should spend your days in suffering."

Chrysalis sighed, and a thick cloud of smoke accompanied it. "Very well, Councillor. I appreciate your care for my person. But frankly, it's far too late for me to quit."

The Councillor spent a long moment in confused silence. "But... My Queen, I thought that you had only picked up the habit recently!"

Chuckling, Chrysalis shook her head. "I smoke in proportion to my mood, Councillor. After that disgusting display in Canterlot--" she wrinkled her nose in speaking the word-- "I've been ever so slightly on edge." She glanced askance at her retainer. "Surely you've noticed."

The Councillor swallowed. "M-my only concern is for your well-being, Highness."

The end of the cigarette flared red for a moment, then Chrysalis let a long, dual stream of smoke out her nostrils.

"Mmm, I'll accept that lack of answer," she mused. "The fact is, my dear overconcerned Councillor, that this very nasty habit of mine is linked to, shall we say, certain outward characteristics of mine."

Silence served for a cue to continue.

"You see these?" She waved her foreleg at him, and he nodded. "Any idea where they come from?"

The Councillor looked truly stumped. "I assumed they were a natural part of our bodies, Mistress."

Chrysalis sighed, blowing a smoke ring. "Only on account of your bodies being linked to mine. And when the side-effects of smoking grow too great..." She closed her eyes, chuckling. "Well, let's say I've had a few surgeries."

The Councillor gasped. "You mean..."

"Changelings didn't always have holes in their legs, no."

The Councillor's face grew pale. "I... I feel I must lie down now, Your Highness." His voice was high and strained. "Please do consider my request to think about your health. Please?"

As he left the chamber, Chrysalis laughed softly and took another drag at her cigarette.

Author's Note

I wrote this at Canterlot Gardens in Strongsville, Ohio, after seeing a Chrysalis cosplayer smoking in the parking lot. kits made the comment that that was where the holes came from, and then this happened. Sorry.

The Call of Carrothulhu

A carrot's shape is its loveliest attribute. Though more suited for going into the ground than out, there is something divine about that orange wedge.

"Hello, dear!"

Another long, plump orange beauty into my saddlebags, the row nearly finished.

"Goodness, aren't we healthy?"

The top is nearly as big around as my hoof. I tug; it stays.

"Time to get serious! No carrot gets the best of Carrot Top!"

I grab the stalks in my teeth, plant my hooves firmly, and use a little of granny's secret "earth pony magic". With a loud crack, the beast comes free. "Beast" is quite appropriate.

"I've never seen a carrot so gnarled and splitty!"

Splits are good luck, so I feel extra lucky as I deposit it in my saddlebag.

Derpy says I should put it on the mantel, and I can't help but feel like it deserves a place of honor. To just eat it seems a waste. I'll keep it in the fridge until last. It'll make a lovely batch of muffins.

That night, I hear it.

Golden Harvest...

Nopony calls me Golden Harvest!

"Derpy, is that you?"

No...

"D-D-Dinky?"

I shall whisper secrets hidden in the earth...

A million images flash through my mind. Lost pony civilizations buried by their own arrogance, worms still crawling through their skulls. The buried remains of horrid rites performed for old gods, blood pouring onto the soil. A cleaver swings at me. I scream.

"That musta been one doozy of a nightmare!"

I glare at Derpy and sip my coffee. It was only a nightmare, right? When she goes to work and Dinky to school, I cannot help feeling I am being watched.

It's the second row today. Halfway down, my trowel hits something hard. There's blood everywhere. Laughter darkens the back of my mind. No! The ritual!

No, I've only cut myself. Carrot Top, focus! It was only a dream!

Yet in the confines of my house, there is an oppressing darkness, like dirt being thrown over a grave. I hear the laughter again, patient, demanding.

I open the refrigerator.

It writhes at me from the vegetable drawer, green eyes pulsing with eldritch energies, mouth filled with horrible orange teeth, every fibrous root tendril curling, twisting, reaching.

I scream and slam the door.

"What's the ruckus?"

"Derpy!" I can't breathe. "You scared me half to death!"

"Hope it wasn't the half that makes muffins." A grin, then concern. "You okay?"

I'm not okay. "Yes."

In night's clutches, I see the images of howling beasts rent apart by cosmic forces, helpless against the invasion of beings beyond mortal ken. They enslaved ponies, showed them things unimaginable, fell when the oppressed rose against their masters.

Why me?

"Stop!"

Never!

I know what I must do.

To the kitchen, down through the turning, yearning shadows of the night thing camped in my fridge. It lies still. But a ruse.

I don't even wash it off, dirt crunching like bones between my teeth. The laughter comes again as I bite into it. It only fires my determination. The voice fades as I chew and chew, breaking off large hunks and nearly choking myself in my haste to consume them.

Lovely...

Only too late do I realize my mistake. Now it's in me, growling like a fetus awaiting profane birth. I collapse to the floor, tears in my eyes. The light switches on.

"Boy," says Derpy giddily, "you musta really had the munchies! I thought I was the only one who liked midnight snacks! Looks like you ate too fast, though."

Within me, the voice cackles. I scream.

Author's Note

2nd place winner in the September 2012 Writeoff, "What Lies Beneath".

Blue, Green, Purple, Pink

Blue. Green. Purple. Pink. Every second of every hour of every day of every year of every millennium. Eternally shifting, never changing, always in my vision. And they wonder why I play pranks.

It was solidly pink once, my mane. Those were good days. Not so many ponies, my sister around, no jealousy tearing us apart. The skies were clear, the world fresh and full of promise. There was no façade to be cracked by weakness.

Blue.

Immortality and the trappings of godhood come with prices. Power affects us unpredictably. The Elements. Friendship. Love. Jealousy. Sadness.

Any emotions, really. Friendship is magical, after all. I banished her to the moon and the power overwhelmed me. It was a necessary restoration, to raise both sun and moon. The Elements made sure the balance was kept. I should have known, should have seen the signs that were there when we defeated Discord. It was a power that she had always desired.

Green.

Loneliness is hard on a young ruler. I was very young, and so ignorant. Of ponies, their needs, their lives. Generations passed in the blink of an eye that was too filled with colors to see them. I didn't want friends, only my sister.

They created so many things with their tiny, short lives. Sometimes they did it to please me. I missed it all. I sat on the balcony, willing the sun and moon to change position, and contemplated the few seconds of intervening twilight.

Purple.

I learned too late to appreciate ponies and what they have to offer. The burden of immortality places my heart in a tenuous position, yearning for companionship only to have love snatched away in the blink of an eye. Love is comfort, constancy. That constant cycle: birth, life, love, death. It's enough to drive a pony crazy, as if my own cycles weren't already doing that.

My sister's return did not restore me, even though she raises the moon once more. The defeat of Nightmare Moon has only made things worse. Though I would not change having Luna back, only myself. Her return was like a glorious sunrise after a long night.

Pink.

I'm itchy in my skin. I cannot move but for twitching. I'm sure it's this hair. It's always there, always moving, and I can't help myself. Why reach out to a new friend when you can make them squirm? They try so hard, so very hard to please, in ways meaningless when compared to infinity. They're going to die anyway; why not have a little fun with them while they're here?

No, no, you mustn't say that, mustn't think it. You mustn't, you mustn't…

But I know it's not going to stop. No end until my end. It may even get worse. I'm trapped in my body, in my world, in my time. It's driving me crazy.

Help.

Author's Note

5th place winner, September 2012 Writeoff, "What Lies Beneath".

Waiting for Rarity

Fluttershy waited, because Rarity would come back. She always did. The spa was like a second home to her. Aloe and Lotus were one of a kind, their ministrations not found elsewhere in Equestria. They were the siren's song for her friend.

Without Rarity here, Fluttershy had nothing to listen to besides the hissing of hot water on rocks. She needed only close her eyes to hear it, feel the warm steam, smell the fragrant herb mixtures in the cooling mud packs. Maybe she wouldn't go today. Just standing here, thinking about a treatment, seemed refreshing enough.

For Rarity, they had always been an escape from the high stresses of dressmaking; for Fluttershy, simply a chance to spend time with a friend and feel pretty. And even though Rarity had escaped to Canterlot to surround herself in those stresses, Fluttershy knew she would return someday.

Applejack waited, because Rarity would come back. She always did. Even when watching her figure, Rarity couldn't resist the occasional Apple Family treat. And though they got along like cats and dogs, Applejack needed a pony as prim and proper as Rarity in her life, a reminder of what lay outside the farm.

It wasn't like Rarity hadn't done this before. It had become ritual: wish her well, then months or weeks later, listen to her tearful monologues. Her designs had been ignored; her work was too draining; she'd been mocked by ponies she respected.

Applejack liked to think that she helped keep Rarity's hooves on the ground. Chasing dreams was well and good, and Applejack truly wanted Rarity to find what she was looking for, but sometimes a pony had to take stock of what was really important. For Rarity, it was her friends, and Applejack knew that was why she kept coming back.

Pinkie Pie waited, because Rarity would come back. She always did. And every time, Pinkie got to throw her an amazingly super-ridictacular Welcome Back to Ponyville Again party!

With each permutation of pony returnation, she forged her partying plans anew, refining rough points and expanding on what worked. Rarity was a great pony to experiment on. Generous to a fault, she was unused to anypony doing things for her, and that meant she was always super grateful.

Sometimes Rarity would experiment on her, too. Fashion wasn't overly important to Pinkie, but she did enjoy looking good in the party dresses Rarity made, even the restrictive ones. There was nopony else quite like Rarity. Pinkie hoped that Rarity never stopped searching for her dream. It never even occurred to her that someday, Rarity might not come back.

Rainbow Dash waited, because Rarity would come back. She always did. Though waiting wasn't really her style; she was more poised and ready, a cat about to pounce. Like Rarity's cat, who had gone on the road with her mistress, a signal that she was serious this time.

Rainbow had never thought too highly of her most attractive friend's activities, yet she admired the dedication with which Rarity pursued her craft. Despite it being a fussy trade, despite the use of sewing machines and magical assistance, Rarity could still give Applejack or herself a run for their money when it came to being tired after a day's work.

Surprisingly, they had much to offer each other. Rainbow had found herself studying looping ribbons and whirling lace skirts, adding the patterns into her aerial stunts. She'd caught Rarity on more than one occasion mentally or actually color-matching to her mane or tail. They just had different ways of appreciating artistry. Maybe when Rarity came back, Rainbow would mention something about that.

Twilight waited, because Rarity would come back. She always did. Even though the newest letter had spoke of a "One-year appointment at the royal clothier's" and poor Spike had been heartbroken.

It was difficult to contemplate, not having Rarity around. Sweetie Belle was more than capable of taking care of the Boutique by herself, even if her poor designs wouldn't draw customers the way her elder sister's had. But where would Twilight go to discuss her latest romance novel? Who could she turn to if she wanted to look nice for a date, or needed magical inspiration? And spa time alone with Fluttershy was always so... quiet.

Rarity's absence was palpable. She was stronger than any of them. Twilight put down the letter, closed her eyes, and sighed. Would she always return? And what did it mean if she did?

Author's Note

Written for the October 2012 Writeoff, "Deal With the Devil". (I think.) It was submitted 7 minutes too late. :(

War Comes to Equestria

"How dare you?"

The pronouncement was spoken so softly, Celestia's mood was so calm, that no one in the great conference room understood its meaning until she spoke again.

"How dare you, Ambassador, come into my kingdom under a flag of peace, only to casually make reference to war when negotiations aren't going your way?"

The griffin snorted, the ornamental feathers lining his epaulettes ruffling in the breeze.

"Good Princess," he said slowly, his voice pinched, "I merely bring up a theoretical. The fact is, your kingdom sits upon the resources mine lacks, and it is merely a matter of--"

"No!"

Celestia's hoof struck the marble tabletop, the impact of her golden slipper ringing across the high ceiling. A lump formed in Luna's throat, but her mouth was too dry for her to swallow it down.

"Do not speak of war as if it were some trivial, everyday matter!"

A tiny smirk formed at the corner's of the ambassador's beak.

"Do forgive me, Your Highness, for my rashness in speaking. War is, however, very much an everyday part of life for griffons. We lack the, what is the phrase... peaceful utopia you have worked so hard to build here in Equestria."

"Yes." The words seemed to calm Celestia. Luna relaxed as her sister settled back onto her seat. "A peaceful utopia that I, with my own hooves, have strived for centuries to build and maintain."

"A peaceful utopia," the griffon said quickly, "and a soft life, that has left your ponies weak, unawares, easy targets should a nearby kingdom--"

"Stop it!" Once again, the hoof slammed upon the table, hard enough this time to dislodge the slipper. Celestia did not move to replace it.

"I have offered you every courtesy owed your position today, Ambassador. I have been more than willing to negotiate trade between our lands, even going so far as to put myself at a slight disadvantage in the agreements. But nopony, no one, no thing threatens my little ponies in my presence!"

"Sister," Luna mumbled, "take care."

Celestia turned to her, a light chuckle on her upturned lips. "Sister, are you hearing this drivel, this rot falling from the beak of this griffon? Either I'm losing my mind or he is actually trying to anger me!"

"I merely seek to remind you of what you stand to lose, Princess. There are certain levels of priority that a ruler must--ghkk!"

Magic lifted him by the neck, cutting off his words. As he struggled midair, Celestia continued, her eyes growing harder by the moment.

"Do not lecture me on what I must or must not do! You, my good Ambassador, have much to learn about dealing with royalty."

The griffon was able to choke out a few words. "This... is an act... of war..."

"Celly, stop it!"

"No!" Celestia's mad eyes flashed at Luna, who froze. Behind them, she saw a shadow, a spot of darkness, a blot of unreal nothingness that she knew all too well.

"Equestria is not some plaything to be trifled with by any upstart king who thinks we are too soft to defend ourselves." She loosed her grip on the ambassador, who flopped into his seat and crumpled over the edge of it, wheezing. Celestia began to pace around the table.

"I will not stand idly by while the callous and small-minded threaten and intimidate us because they think bullying will help them get their way. You have no idea, Ambassador, no idea at all what I have had to do, to sacrifice, to make Equestria the shining jewel of peace that it is today."

"Enlighten me," the ambassador croaked.

"Rebellions crushed. Foes imprisoned. I have moved mountains, diverted rivers; even burned cities when necessary." Celestia closed her eyes, drawing a breath in through her teeth. "I have nurtured so many, only to see them wither and fade after a few breaths. I have lost and lost and lost again those I love, yet it has never stopped me from seeking out more ponies, more wonderful ponies, to love and nurture and care for, to provide this soft life, as you call it, that they in all their infinite talents and desires and marvelous friendships, so rightly deserve."

Rubbing his neck, the ambassador righted himself, looking at Celestia through one eye, his voice still hoarse. "A tremendous feat, I am sure. Yet it seems to have been an arduous task for one pony, even one as... long-lived as yourself, to undertake. Surely Princess Luna has had a hoof somewhere in all of this..."

Celestia's head lowered. Luna saw the shadow flash behind her and started forward, hoof outstretched.

"Celly, no!"

When Celestia raised her head, her eyes were red and rimmed with tears.

"I sacrificed my own sister for this kingdom!" She was quickly losing the fight against her emotions. "And if I had to do it again, even knowing how painful and lonely that millennium was, I would do it, unquestioningly, to ensure that peace reigned in Equestria!"

The ambassador chuckled, glancing slyly to Luna. "No doubt your sister feels the same way."

Luna felt both pairs of eyes on her, saw the shadow lancing tendrils through her sister's mane. "I..."

"Luna..."

"If we had to do it over again, I would..." Luna swallowed, or tried to. The lump was back. The shadow pressed against Celestia like a lover. Luna saw its smile, knowing, winking.

"I would..." Luna blinked, her vision blurring. A thousand years of rock, dust, binding, blackness, void, breathlessness, hunger, loneliness.

The shadow's grin was horrifying.

"It sounds," the griffon said, chuckling thinly, "as though not everyone is as pleased with your sacrifices as you, Your Highness."

Celestia's eyes squeezes shut. When they opened, a heat aura surmounted them. Her eyebrows were thin lines of fire. Luna could not make her body move fast enough. The shadow leered mockingly at her.

"Everything I have done has been for the greatest good!" Celestia's voice was unnatural. It hung in the air like oppressive summer heat. Luna's hooves skidded across the table and she took to the air.

"Everything I have sacrificed, I have done so selflessly, so that others would benefit!"

Luna could not approach her sister. The heat was like a force field, pushing her back. The ambassador's ceremonial garb smoldered and ignited at the edges.

"Everything I have done, everything I have strived for, everything I have accomplished has been worth it!"

Celestia's mane turned bright red. It ceased flowing normally and began to crackle. Luna cried her name, but her words were swallowed by the hot and the shadow and the anger. The ambassador burst into flame.

"If you want an act of war, I will give you an act of war!"

Luna screamed as Canterlot Palace burned from the inside out.

The next day, the drums of war beat a march for Canterlot. War had come to Equestria at last.

The Lamentation Chain

(NOTE: Do please look at the art gallery if you haven't, to see the prompts I used for this story. That's the only way it will make sense.)

The Lamentation Chain
by Present Perfect

Rarity couldn't be certain what it was that had drawn her to this particular shop. A lady of her refinement never visited such back alleys whose shops bore such ill repute, after all, not even in broad daylight. Hints of rat life and piles of moldering refuse were nearly enough to make her turn away, but once she had reached the shop she'd been looking for, the bell dingling as she opened the door, and let her eyes adjust to the dim interior, she knew it was worth following through on the hunch, if one could call it that.

Through the haze of dust disturbed from shelves of knickknacks and oddities so thoroughly caked in the stuff that they were little more than undifferentiated lumps of grey, she could just make out the back wall of the shop. The door, which opened to reveal the shopkeeper emerging from the backroom, was bordered thickly in a red that was vibrant despite the dreary lighting. In the center of the door was painstakingly painted a coiled serpentine dragon, its scales gleaming with fibrous gold accents. Red eyes blazed fiercely, defending whatever valuables might be too delicate to leave to the careless hoof of an unsuspecting customer. A mouth full of sharp teeth, pearlescent and serrated, completed the artful visage of a truly terrifying beast.

"May I help you?"

The shopkeeper's voice was soft, tempered by years of choking on dust and ferreting out the desires of customers who thought they knew his business better than he did. He raised an eyebrow, drawing Rarity's attention to his four-cornered toque, a Ponyental style chapeau that, along with his matching garb, lent him an air of exotic mystery. For Rarity, it was a source of excitement, which she tried unsuccessfully to rein in.

"Yes, well, I..." What should she say? She wasn't even certain she knew why she was here, though being in this place felt right somehow.

He cleared his throat. "You know, you're only in this shop by the grace of my having forgotten to lock the door. It's New Year's Eve after all, almost the new year proper, and I am not in the habit of leaving my store open on holidays."

Hot shame blushed her cheeks. "Forgive my hesitation, sir. I don't mean to keep you away from your family at this time of year."

"That is a worry you need not shoulder." He smiled. "But I'm not the only one missing out on tonight's celebrations." Drawing up a stool, he seated himself behind the counter and adjusted his pince-nez, squinting at her as she walked closer. "So tell me, what brings you to my little shop?"

"I've lost something," Rarity said, and felt as though it was the thing she had meant to say. "I was hoping you could help me. My timing is of course not the best, but..."

"It was very important, this something you've lost." The tan stallion lifted his chin and tapped it gently. "I notice you never said you wanted help finding it."

"Well..." Rarity's eyes fell upon a glass paperweight, dull beneath its patina of dust, that winked at her. "It isn't so much a thing, you see..."

"Say no more," said the shopkeeper, a smile brushing his lips. "You are not the first with this problem, nor, dare I say it, the last. I know what you need; please wait just a moment."

She watched him hop off the stool and barge through the dragon, effortlessly vanquishing it for the briefest of moments. Rarity craned her neck, wary of the small metal tree on the counter full of necklaces, earrings, and sharp ends, and focused on the dragon, as though it might divulge the purpose behind what the shopkeeper might be doing.

She hadn't long to wait. The dragon receded and the antiquities dealer emerged with a tall object obscured by a maroon cloth. Rarity recognized it instantly as being made of velour, and rather poorly cared for at that. The object made a soft noise as it was set upon the countertop, and the shopkeeper looked at her a moment before whipping the cloth off, demonstrating a misplaced flair for the dramatic.

Rarity stared at the thing. "Is that... a milk carton?"

"It is."

"I'm sorry." Rarity sighed. "It's late, and I've bothered you on a holiday. I'll go--"

"You misunderstand," he said, mirth coloring his voice. "I don't know why this works the way it does, but take a look at the side. Tell me what you see there."

He turned it then, so that an image framed by the words "LOST" and "HAVE YOU SEEN" was visible. Her breath caught in her chest as she saw the face of Spike, with the pink woolen scarf she'd given him on last Hearth's Warming wrapped about his neck. His eyes were red, and squinted against the wind. It appeared to be snowing where he was, but that was impossible. The day was cold, but it had been still when she'd entered the shop and there was no snow scheduled until after the start of the new year.

Rather than moving in real time, the picture on the carton shifted every few seconds, showing a new image of Spike struggling to walk through snow that rose above his knees. Rarity's eyes brimmed with tears.

"Oh, little Spikey-wikey," she whispered.

Spike pushed on through the driving snow, but though his legs burned, the rest of his body was cold. Though able to generate fire within himself, he was nevertheless cold-blooded, and the wintry landscape drained his energy, slowing his metabolism and dulling the energy he could otherwise muster to warm himself from within.

He blinked against the flakes assaulting his vision, raising a hand in a feeble and ultimately fruitless attempt to block them. The only thing that entered his vision was white, after all. The landscape stretched in every direction, flat and featureless save for the hints of trees in the far distance. He couldn't even see where he'd come from, as his footprints filled in immediately. The wind whipped his breath from his lungs, and though tears were in his eyes, they had nothing to do with the weather.

A year's-end kiss, a ritual that was supposed to determine who you'd spend the next year with: that's all it had been.

She had been right, after all. He should face reality, the reality that said they could never be together, that he was young and foolish and entirely not what she was looking for. That she, in her turn, was not what he should be looking for. Some small part of him had always known that this would one day come to pass. But until it had, it was easy to convince himself that things were fine and she would give him a chance one day.

Now that rejection had been leveled in no uncertain terms and with no deadline for reconsideration, he'd had no choice but to react, and it hadn't been the most dignified of reactions. It had carried him through to wherever this place was, sniffling, the aching in his legs long since having dwindled to numbness.

He stumbled, as though his entire body hesitated, and couldn't recover. He fell into the soft snow and dull exhaustion swept over him. He curled into a ball and cried, though no tears came, as though he had been used up. He kept his eyes squeezed shut and it seemed, over the driving winds, that he could hear a voice calling him. It was familiar.

"Spike, where are you? You know mom's going to be worried about you!"

Mom? What was Twilight talking about?

"Spike, come here at once! I'm not telling you again! We have to clean up the library before she sees!"

Twilight was right, they did need to clean up the library. But he couldn't force his limbs to move for some reason. Sorry, Twilight; I'll help clean up just as soon as take a I nap, I promise.

He thought he could see mom right in front of him. She was sitting up late, like Twilight tended to, poring over photo albums rather than studying. Maybe that was why she looked so sad. Maybe she had a glass of wine.

It was port wine, actually, and the glass was half empty, which didn't matter much, because the bottle was still half full. Velvet sighed and took another swallow, not even pretending to sip in temperance anymore. The wine was rich and woody and warmed her from the inside without burning; it was good stuff. Night Light had conked out in bed hours ago, his share of the wine drunk, and she was once again alone with her photographs.

This was not a good ritual to keep, but it was always New Year's that sent her back to these albums, moreso than Hearth's Warming or even the kids' birthdays. Maybe it was the close proximity of Hearth's Warming to the new year that sent her into a whirlwind of nostalgia and loneliness, a tidal wave of emotion that took until this day to finally break.

Her hoof passed over Shining Armor's first Nightmare Night dressed up as a guard. Next to it, Twilight hugging her Smarty Pants doll, her face alight with wonder at Velvet's ability to repair missing eye buttons. Twilight's first cutie mark picture, taken after an entrance exam to the School for Gifted Unicorns that Velvet did not entirely recall, lay nestled beside the first of a series of photos from their trip later that year to Baltimare. Twilight had been ecstatic at seeing the beach. Velvet felt laughter burst forth as she recalled her daughter rushing out to the tide pools and bringing a new creature, one by one, back to her, just to let her know what its scientific name was.

That had been their last vacation as a family, she realized with a soft sickness. That fall, Twilight had started at the School, while Shining had continued with his second year of guard training. It was just her and Night Light now in a Canterlot two-story that was far too big to hold them. Visits from her sisters were infrequent, and Night's family was all too far away to stay over, so it really was just them.

This had especially been true since the wedding. Cadance used to visit even after Twilight was too old and too involved in her studies to require a foalsitter. It was fortunate, Velvet thought, that she'd gotten so close to her future daughter-in-law so early. After all, she'd only ever wanted the best for either of her children, and Cadance definitely fit that label. It amazed her how easy it was to forget that Cadance was royalty.

Another swallow drained the glass and after a moment's hesitation, she lifted the bottle for a refill.

"No more than one bottle this time, I swear," she said to the unmoving house. It gave no reply, instead letting her have her space, her time.

Velvet leaned back in her chair and felt the wine add flush to her cheeks. Closing her eyes, she breathed deeply and felt the cold dryness of winter creep into her nostrils. It took her three painful tries to adjust the thermostat, after which she also swore off magic for the remainder of the night.

She was, upon reflection, quite lucky to have such a remarkable family. Yes, they were all away on their own adventures and living their own lives, but that was what children did. You raised them from birth, taught them everything you knew, and then hoped that they wouldn't need you anymore. If that was the measuring stick for parental success, then Velvet was perhaps the most successful mother in history. She'd given birth to a mare who was already the personal protégé of Princess Celestia, who had saved Equestria twice by virtue of being the bearer of an ancient magical artifact, and who, judging by common opinion, was destined to become the greatest unicorn mage since Star Swirl the Bearded. Her other child, no less impressive, was the youngest pony ever to hold the title of Captain of the Royal Guard, and had married a mare among the elite few who called the Princesses "aunt". Velvet was quite nearly the sister-in-law of Celestia herself.

She couldn't blame her children for not visiting during the holidays. That she missed them nevertheless meant she was a pony. That they were away for her to miss them meant she had done well by them.

A smile passed across her face and she wiped at a tear that was not born of emotion, but of relief. Then drunken clarity hit her and she wondered if the Princesses ever felt this way. Like most ponies, even those Canterlot-bred, Velvet really didn't know much about her regents' personal lives. There had been Luna's 'return' just two years ago, three if one counted the new year coming, but it was an event so shrouded in secrecy that few truly understood what it meant. Velvet had heard something from Twilight about it, and knew that her daughter had been entangled in the happenings of the event, but had never pried, never having wanted to use her daughter's privilege to her own advantage. The only suggestion of the truth was the disappearance of the Mare in the Moon, but even that only left more questions for the normal ponies.

No doubt, Velvet thought, her sister-in-almost-law was cooped up in the palace, enjoying one of the few nights of the year when ponies would likely not be demanding things from or promising things to her. She could not have been further from the truth, of course.

Celestia was busy watching the Mare, a silent reminder of what she'd done to her younger sister. Two years had passed, three if one counted the coming new year, but she still felt the burden of guilt like a yoke that weighed her inexorably to the ground any time she so much as looked at Luna.

Her sister didn't blame her, had never blamed her. Celestia had tried time and again to convince herself of this, but she couldn't believe it. The guilt was all her own making, all of it projected onto other ponies. It was becoming more than she could bear, and keeping up centuries-old rituals like this one weren't helping her alleviate it.

Every year since that first one, on New Year's Eve in the dead of winter, she would remove her raiments, returning her mane to its natural state, don a scarf, and hide her wings with a spell. As a pink-maned unicorn she would then join in the revelries carried out by her subjects through the night. Inevitably, she would look up at the moon, the very same moon that to her still featured that familiar shape staring coldly back at her, and simply watch it.

For her, it was not the desolate prison so many believed she had banished Nightmare Moon to, but a living symbol of her sister's legacy, a legacy she had only recently handed back to its rightful owner. It was good, not having that extra burden to bear, coincident as it was with the rising and setting of the sun, but at the same time, she missed it. Every night when she had raised the moon, it had been like taking her sister's hoof and pulling her up to a high ledge, like when they were fillies and Luna was just learning to fly. Lowering the moon so the sun could come out thus felt like tucking her sister in to bed. That's what she'd told herself at the time, anyway: that she could still touch her sister with her magic, however far away she might be.

"Tia..."

The Mare in the Moon vanished and Celestia turned, surprised to see the midnight-blue unicorn, her lighter mane hidden under a knit cap.

"Lulu!" She needed a moment to compose herself from the surprise; it was not often she needed these moments, and thus they tended to last. "What a pleasant surprise to see you out here tonight!"

Luna gave a half-smile, tilting her head slightly. "I thought it odd that you had left so late in the evening. You aren't normally awake at this hour."

Celestia nodded, her breath curling out in vapors. "I always come out to look at the moon on this night."

Luna turned her head upward and slightly away from Celestia, a small smile on her face. "Even now that I am back by your side, sister?"

For a moment, Celestia took in her sister's profile, let the reality of their sharing this moment wash over her. Then she looked up at the moon as well, its great silver body shining back down at her. Luna existed only as a real pony beside her.

"Old habits and all that, Lulu."

"You know I've forgiven you, yes?"

"I do." Celestia sighed. "And I don't."

Celestia saw motion out of the corner of her eye, then felt a warm body press against her. Flashes of light began to color them as ponies kicked up a rousing cheer and a loud countdown.

"Let us pay tribute to the moon together."

Bells tolled midnight and fireworks began to rise into the sky, exploding and showering Canterlot with light. The first salvo roused Twilight Velvet from her drunken stupor, and she panicked for a brief confused moment, until her clock began striking twelve. The darn thing always ran slow, no matter how they tried adjusting it.

Her bleary eyes rested on a near-empty wine bottle, then on the opposite wall of the room being lit up by numerous colored bursts. She groaned slightly, rubbed her forehead just under her horn, hopped off the chair and wobbled to the door. Remembering the headache had made her vow against using magic for the remainder of the night, she grabbed her scarf from the rack with her teeth and set it in a slack loop around her neck.

She felt like she needed a walk.

The cold night air was almost enough to snap her back into sobriety, and she shivered against it. The streetlights had been dimmed, to let the fireworks and full moon illuminate the city during the festivities, and she found she enjoyed the effect of seeing everything around her change color once or twice every few seconds.

She trotted aimlessly through the streets of Canterlot, now and then passing other ponies who wished her a happy new year and received the same in turn. Everypony was smiling; most were enjoying the festivities in silence. Near a fountain, she saw a pair of tall unicorn mares, one white and the other nearly black, leaning against one another in a way that suggested close family reunited after a long separation rather than the embrace of lovers, and her eyes filled with emotion.

There was, however, one pony in Canterlot who was not having a good time, and it was just Velvet's luck that she would come upon her.

"Why, why, why..."

Velvet happened to live nearby a liquor store, the very one that had supplied the port currently fueling her purposeless meandering, and in front of that store there stood a magenta mare, slightly older than Velvet's daughter, who wailed softly at the ground.

Velvet considered herself a compassionate pony, a trait compounded by motherhood. So it was with this in mind, as well as her current lack of good decision-making skills, that she approached the mare and said, "Why dear, whatever is the matter?"

The mare looked up at her with forlorn, watery eyes as she said with complete seriousness, "I'm outta booze."

Velvet raised one eyebrow. "Really? Is that all?"

The mare nodded sadly. "An' I got here a hour late to get more! They closed for the holibay!"

"It really isn't worth getting worked up over, you know. It's the new year, after all. You should celebrate what you have and what's coming instead of--" When the mare frowned at her and began working on a new wave of tears, Velvet let out a sigh. "I've got some wine back at my place still. Nopony should be alone on New Year's; would you like to join me for a glass?"

The mare sniffed and scrubbed at her nose. "What kind?"

Velvet could not believe what she was hearing. "It's... port."

The mare's eyes lit up with more than just fireworks. "Oh, that's my favorite! I shall most humbly accept your offer, madame!" She attempted to bow, but nearly fell over, remaining upright only due to Velvet's reflexes, which weren't all that hot, either.

"What's your name?" she asked as they got underway back to her house.

"Berry. You?"

"You can call me Velvet."

Berry smiled. "Thank ya, Velvet. I camed up to Cannerlot to see my family, but... Not too many ponies want nothin' to do with a drunk like me, even on a holiday."

Velvet blew a disparaging razz. "I'm hardly the pinnacle of sobriety myself."

"But you can say pimmacle," Berry said with utmost solemnity. Velvet burst out laughing.

"You'll have to be quiet," she said after a few moments had passed. "My husband went to sleep early tonight."

"Aw, tha's a shame," Berry said, then added, "You ain't, y'know... Pickin' up mares so you can..."

"Oh, heavens, no!" Velvet was too drunk to be offended, and she laughed again. "Though if he wakes up still as drunk as he was when he went to sleep, he might very well ask us to put on a show. You know how stallions can be."

"I sure do, sister!" Berry giggled and pushed Velvet playfully, and she responded with a shoulder-check. The mares passed by an antiquities shop as they wobbled to and fro down the street, their progress noted by an older stallion in a four-cornered toque and pince-nez.

He turned from the window, walking back to a door with a large dragon emblazoned on it, whose metallic scales caught the reds, blues and greens of the fireworks display and threw them back against the walls in little sparkling needles of light.

"Did you find what you were after?" he asked softly as he passed through. The unicorn mare on the other side of the counter looked up, startled, and dropped the milk carton on the countertop.

"I... Yes." She swallowed, then forced a smile. "I'm awfully sorry to have bothered you, sir, but... Thank you. Thank you so very much for letting me see this. What do I owe you?"

He held up a hoof. "Oh, you needn't worry about that. The carton I bring out only when it's needed."

She smiled, and her horn glowed. "At least let me compensate you for lost sleep if nothing else. It is New Year's Eve, after all." Three coins clinked onto the countertop beside the jewelry tree and rolled to a stop.

"You mean New Year's Day, madam," he corrected her, and her eyes widened.

"Oh my goodness! How long was I..." She turned and bolted to the door, stopping momentarily to look back over her shoulder.

"I have a friend out there who needs me. Thank you, again, sir, and happy New Year to you."

She pushed the door open, then vanished into the alley from whence she had come. He trotted to the door, turned the sign so that "Yes, We're Open!" faced inward, and drew the tattered bamboo shade over it.

"Happy New Year," he said softly. "And best of luck."

Author's Note

7th place finalist in the 2012 Christmas Write-Off, and yes, it was based off all five art prompts.

The Heart Holds Grudges With Gravity

The Heart Holds Grudges With Gravity
by Present Perfect

"Dagnabbit, Rarity, that is the last straw!" Applejack stomped, leaning down and snorting. "I've plum had it with you!"

Rarity sniffed, lifting her head away from Applejack. "I will apologize only for the timing of my statement, not for what I said."

Twilight's head swiveled back and forth between her two friends. She took a step forward. "Rarity... Applejack..."

A hoof on her shoulder stopped her. Looking back, she saw Rainbow Dash shake her head.

"Let them, Twilight," Rainbow said gravely. "This is an old argument. They... they've been fighting about this since before you met any of us."

Twilight felt tears sting the corners of her eyes. "But... I can't just sit here and watch my friends hurt each other..."

Fluttershy stepped forward. "Rainbow Dash is right. They need this, Twilight."

Twilight felt she had no choice but to watch, given the weight of her kindest friend's words. Applejack and Rarity had stepped toward each other, noses separated by mere inches.

"You ready to do this?" Applejack growled, eyes glinting.

"I've been ready," Rarity huffed.

Applejack tossed her head back. "Pinkie Pie!"

"On it, AJ!"

Pinkie appeared between them, carrying a blue and silver boom box. Setting it down, she popped it open and inserted a cassette. She pressed play, and the area was filled with a rapid bass beat that was quickly accompanied by a synthesized melody.

Applejack was first to react. She reared back, placing her forehooves on her hips, and shook them at Rarity. Rarity spun about and began to step backwards in time with the beat. Applejack tipped her hat brim over her eyes, her other hoof shooting skyward. The hoof began to pump up and down, also in time with the beat.

Twilight gasped. "I've read about this, but I never thought I'd actually see..."

"Shh." Rainbow Dash grinned. "It's just gettin' good."

Rarity stood, moving her shoulders back and forth and giving Applejack a smoldering pout. Applejack's hat whipped upward as she performed a backflip, then landed squarely on her head as she slid onto her back, curling up and spinning in a tight circle. Rarity shook her shoulders, stepping closer to Applejack, who finished her spin, posing on her side.

Fluttershy began to clap her hooves, smiling, and Rainbow Dash kept time with her left front. Even Twilight had to admit, her friends' moves were pretty fresh.

Rarity segued into a series of graceful leaps, posing her arms during each, while Applejack began to soft-shoe. The music hit a pause, and they both stopped, resuming precisely where they had left off after the beat picked up. The two mares performed a simultaneous flip, spinning on a forehoof and moving their hind legs in sync with the music.

Pinkie kept her eyes glued to a stopwatch, sweat pouring down her face. About the time Rarity began to Cabbage Patch, she yelled, "Time!" and the music cut out.

With laughter and smiles, Rarity and Applejack embraced in a tight, back-slapping hug, then wandered off, chatting amiably. Twilight gave her friends a confused look.

"Wait... that's it?"

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "Twilight, I thought you said you'd read about this."

"Having a dance-off is just as a good as saying, 'Our problems are solved,'" Fluttershy explained.

This did not seem to sit well with Twilight, but she couldn't come up with an appropriate objection before Pinkie hopped over, carrying her boombox.

"C'mon, girls!" she cried. "We're gonna go get ice cream!"

The boombox transformed into a giant blue robot, who scooped the ponies up and flew off to get them ice cream.

Author's Note

9th-place finalist in the April 2013 Writeoff. If there was an April 2013 Writeoff. c.c The title is supposed to be a poop joke somehow.

Burdens of the Throne

Burdens of the Throne
by Present Perfect

The Princess of Love was angry.

Her horn hurt from maintaining the spell keeping Sombra at bay. Such pain shouldn't even be possible, but then few spellcasters were ever required to keep up such extreme feats of magical stamina. If not for her alicorn physiology, she would have given out days ago, and even that was being taxed now that Sombra had reached the barrier.

At the same time, she could see, far below the Crystal Palace, a sextet of ponies including her new sister-in-law singing and dancing as they set up... She wasn't sure, actually.

"What do they think they're doing?" she grumbled. Somepony jerked beside her.

"Huhwha? Cadie, you okay?"

Cadance turned her head towards her husband, who was trying very unsuccessfully to stifle a yawn. Shining gave her a tired smile, standing and stretching.

"Shining, you're supposed to be keeping me awake."

He winced. "Sorry, baby, I'm trying. It's just... I have to be honest, it's really boring."

Cadance sighed, biting back a retort. Exhaustion was creeping in, misdirecting her emotions. "Well, could you maybe tell me what your sister's friends are up to?"

Shining Armor trotted to the window and surveyed the scene. His eyes lit up with understanding after a moment.

"Oh! They're montaging!" He turned to her, smiling. "Twilie wrote a letter to mom and dad about it once, after Winter Wrap-Up. It's how they get big tasks done in Ponyville!"

"By singing and dancing and having fun?" Cadance narrowed her eyes. "Shining, do they understand just what a threat King Sombra is, not only to the Crystal Kingdom, but to Equestria as a whole?"

He moved back toward her and put a hoof on her shoulder. The touch calmed her boiling rage.

"Trust me, Cadie, they know. They're good ponies, from good lives, and this is how they deal with dark, dangerous things. They'll get the job done, I promise, and then you'll see that calling for them was a good idea."

At that moment, his stomach gurgled audibly.

"Whoa!" he laughed. "Guess I shouldn't've eaten that fifth corndog last night. Be right back, babe."

She leaned away from his intended kiss, scowling. "You can't just leave me!"

"I said I'll be right back." Shining rolled his eyes. "Just gotta take a quick dump. And, y'know, since we're not in a warzone or anything, it's probably better if I go to the little colts' room." He turned to leave.

"But," Cadance's eyes searched back and forth, desperate, as she tried to think around her spell. "What if I pass out? What if Sombra comes back? Can't you find a servant to bring you a chamber pot? I'm sure there's one somewhere in this castle who isn't too depressed to do menial work!"

"Seriously." Shining gave her a look. "Cade. Won't be a minute. Nothing will happen."

She couldn't hold it back any longer. "And have you ever even been in a war?"

That got his attention. He stopped, mid-stride, turning to face her with a glower.

"Listen up, soldier!" he barked. "Do you think this is a war or a fillies' sleepover? You don't have time to worry about what's happening next, you just do, understand me?"

He walked up, pressing his nose against hers. "The fate of the Crystal Kingdom, neigh, the entirety of Equestria is on. Your. Head! Are you gonna let a two-minute interruption in your schedule break your concentration?"

"N-no..."

"I can't hear you!"

Cadance drew up straight. "No, sir!"

"That's better." Shining smirked, taking a step back. "Now you just sit right there on your pretty little derriere and keep that spell going. I'm gonna drop the kids off at the pool, and if you so much as bat an eye while I'm gone, I swear to your Aunt I will throw you off a balcony. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, sir!"

Shining relaxed, grinning at her. "Yeah, I've had my share of field training. Love ya, Cadie."

And, blowing a kiss to her, he trotted off to the little colts' room.

Author's Note

4th-place finalist in the April 2013 Writeoff, assuming there was one.

The Summer of the Giant Moth

The Summer of the Giant Moth
by Present Perfect

From the depths of the Mareiterranean there rose the great lizard Celestiazilla. Its teeth dripped ichor. Its scales scraped the clouds. Its roar shook the earth.

Unfortunately, at that moment, in the Everfree Forest, the mane six (and Derpy) were busy blasting King Sombra's newest robot, the CrystalTron 5000, to bits with the Elements of Harmony (and a muffin cannon). The Rainbow Beam of Death™ cut a swath of carnage and friendship through the treeline and out into the ocean, straight through Celestiazilla's big, dumb, scaly face.

With a croak of harsh finality, the great beast toppled over into the sea.

But the thing they never tell you about death is, your bowels loosen and evacuate upon the moment you shuffle off the mortal coil. Yeah, it's not all lighted tunnels and visits with dead relatives. Unfortunately, Celestiazilla had been asleep for centuries and didn't really have any food in his stomach. So instead of a tremendous death poop, it was more a tremendous death fart.

And that's how the giant moth was born.

"Saints alive," Applejack said, dropping her cider to the ground.

"...So it's still there?" Twilight asked. Applejack nodded.

"Plastered to the side of the barn." Applejack nodded again I guess. Twilight almost hadn't recognized her, on account of her friend being nearly totally white, and sober.

"What're we gonna do, Twi?" AJ shook, licking her lips. "Ah got all mah crops 'n money 'n cider 'n hats in that barn!"

"There's only one thing for it," Twilight said, maring up and putting on her warface. "We need Fluttershy."

"That's a really big moth," Fluttershy said quietly, which was the only way she knew how.

"That's what Ah said," Applejack said again.

Twilight paced along the length of the moth's wingspan: twenty paces easy. It was, no doubt about it, a big moth.

"Do you have any ideas what to do about it?" she asked her friend.

"Umm, well... We could try to shoo it away..."

One round of gentle shooing later...

"Well, that sure didn't work." Applejack frowned and stomped the ground.

"Why not leave it there?" Pinkie Pie asked, suddenly appearing in the scene.

"Ah can't get in my barn!" AJ snorted.

"Actually," Twilight noted, "you can. You've got another door on the mothless side."

"Oh," said Applejack.

"Um," said Fluttershy.

There was a pause.

"It'll probably get bored soon and leave," she added.

All that summer -- the Summer of the Giant Moth, Pinkie called it -- Applejack learned to ignore the moth. It made a daily circuit of the barn, following the sun, but otherwise seemed content to just stay there. Big Macintosh didn't go in the barn. Apple Bloom thought it was fun, but her friends were warned not to mess with it. Granny Smith never noticed it was there.

Rain or shine, the moth remained. Applejack started telling time by which wall it was clinging to. The Running of the Leaves came and went.

Applejack named it Claude.

"Oh, Claude told me a funny joke the other day," she said once to Rainbow Dash, who refused to speak to her for a week afterward.

"Claude's been feelin' a little under the weather," she remarked to Rarity, who took refuge beneath a taffeta dress and wasn't seen by anypony but Sweetie Belle for a month.

Then, on the fateful day of fate, there came a sound like a tremendous death fart, and Claude fell.

"Claude!" Applejack rushed to the barn, tears in her eyes. She stood in shock over the form of the moth, upside-down on the cold earth. "Hold on, buddy, Ah'll get help!"

But there was nothing Fluttershy could do. He didn't even have eyelids to close dramatically. She just shook her head and walked away.

Then she stopped! "Oh!"

"What is it, Fluttershy?" asked Twilight, who was totally in this scene. She's nosy.

"Look."

Fluttershy pointed to a pile of big white things, the size, shape, texture and flavor of ping-pong balls.

"Are those... eggs?"

Applejack's face set in determination.

"Mah path is clear."

She gathered the eggs together and kept them in the cider cellar. She sat on them all through that winter, despite Fluttershy's exhortations that moths and chickens do not hatch their eggs in the same manner. Apple Bloom brought her soup and apples, while Big Macintosh disposed of Claude in the town dump. It was a fitting tribute.

In spring, Applejack awoke, having missed Winter Wrap-Up, to the feeling of fluttering under her hooves.

"Land's sakes alive!" she breathed.

"But moths hatch caterpillars from eggs," Fluttershy protested, before being ejected violently from the scene.

And then Applejack's farm was eaten by baby giant moths.

And as they chewed on her apple trees and gala dress simultaneously, Applejack let out a wistful sigh.

"I'm the happiest mother," she said. "Fifty times over. Thank you, Claude."

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that giant moths are a biological anomaly.

Oh, and sometimes a tragedy can become a blessing after it's passed.

Also, some ponies really shouldn't have their boutiques so close to giant moth breeding grounds.

Your Faithful Student,

Pinkie Pie I mean Twilight Sparkle

Author's Note

From Trotcon's 2013 speedfic panel. The prompt was this image (albeit the original version).

Rusty in the Giddyup

Rusty in the Giddyup
by Present Perfect

"My dear, I..."

Persnickety gazed through his monocle across the table into her sparkling eyes. They matched the orange bandanna she wore around her neck, and shone with wisdom beyond their years. The sight of her pristine green coat and flowing white mane beckoned words from his lips.

"We have spent so little time together, yet I feel I must let my heart speak." He reached out one well-manicured hoof and grasped hers, eliciting a giggle from the mare he had shared a gourmet meal with not half an hour ago.

"It was your radiant beauty which drew me to you, but I have since come to understand your true beauty... within."

"Ee-hee-hee!" the mare giggled, batting her eyelashes. "Why Persy, you know just how to charm a lady."

Her voice was not the most pleasant, slightly raspy around the edges, but he had surmised that she'd smoked in her youth. Surely, they were none of them perfect, and she had obviously quit, judging by her pristine white teeth and the pleasant aroma of lavender and lime that emanated from her.

"And such a lady you are." He drew forward, voice growing husky with fervor. "Your wit, your humility, your country charm... I had thought Ponyville a town devoid of beauty, yet I see now how utterly foolish I have been.

"I may be more foolish yet to ask this after such a brief acquaintance, yet I feel I have no choice." He sank to one knee, still holding her hoof, and gazed into her eyes. "I would be the happiest stallion in Equestria if you would consent to be my bride."

"Yee-hee-hee!" his companion cheered, wrenching her hoof free and standing on her chair, whereupon she performed a sprightly jig. "I still got it! I still got it!"

"Granny, there you are!"

The voice made Persnickety turn, to see an orange mare and a large red earth stallion running toward him. The mare tipped up her leather Stetson and nodded to him.

"Dreadful sorry, Mister, if she's been botherin' ya any. She got away from us after the spa treatment and we been lookin' for her all day."

Face a picture of abject confusion, Persnickety looked from the strange new mare to the one dancing on the tabletop, feeling a strange numbness overtake him.

"Granny? But she cannot be older than I!"

Just then, "Granny" slipped from the table, landing with a crash beneath the tablecloth, still chuckling to herself. The earth stallion rushed forward and helped her up. She shook her head to clear it, and in doing so, her perfectly smooth features unsettled, melting grotesquely into layer after layer of thick wrinkles over her face.

"Aw, fiddle-faddle! There goes mah facial!" The wrinkled old mare pouted, then grinned and began advancing toward him. "Nevermind! C'mere, Persy and give us a smooch!"

In the history of emasculating screams heard in Ponyville, Persnickety's was second only to that let out by Caramel, after a mishap at Fluttershy's cottage had launched a trio of shaken and traumatized mice into his bedroom. The beefy aristocrat's eyes rolled back in his head and he fainted dead away.

Granny Smith frowned and stuck out her tongue. "That's the problem with stallions these days: no fortitude!"

"Granny, please, let's just go," Applejack said as Big Macintosh got behind her and began to push. "It was plum nice of Rarity to get you them spa tickets for your birthday, but next time would ya kindly let the gentlepony know what he's getting' inta before he proposes?"

"Ahh, yer just jealous!" Granny huffed but allowed herself to be pushed towards Sweet Apple Acres. Then she started chortling.

"Next time, I'll let 'im know what he's getting' inta all right! Ah-hee-hee! Ah-hee-hee-hee!"

Applejack and Big Mac's faces registered equal levels of shock and disgust, and they shouted in unison.

"Augh, Granny!"

Author's Note

This was inspired by the scene in Apple Family Reunion where Granny Smith gives herself a temporary facelift, becoming young and beautiful for a split second. I couldn't help but think that if she went to the spa, she'd start turning heads again, because let's face it, young Granny Smith was a looker. :V I hope everyone appreciates the dirty joke at the end.

Winner of the June 2013 Writeoff, "For Old Times' Sake".

A Chance Encounter on Route 66

A Chance Encounter on Route 66
by Present Perfect

"Rassafrassin' carburetor!"

The sun broke over the Sierra Neighvadas, reminding Wild Fire just how far she'd come from Los Pegasus, and how far was left till Las Neighgas. Her wrench slipped, landing on the gravel shoulder. As she retrieved it, she clipped the hood latch, which came down on her head.

"Stupid son of a piece of junk!" She kicked the front bumper of her souped-up red Camareo, sending the license plate clattering off onto the stones.

With a wordless cry of blind fury, she stomped around the car, kicking rocks into the distance and throwing everything she could get her hooves on. The land around her drank in the sun's rays, and her body succumbed to the temperature before her tantrum could burn itself out. Moaning, she sank to her haunches beside her car, and then to her knees.

"What am I gonna do?" She thought of beef jerky and despaired.

Her misery shattered at the sound of a horn approaching. Wild Fire's head shot up, her face animating.

"Another car!"

With a whoop, she sprang to the double yellow lines, waving at what seemed to be a fairly distant car. She squinted, unable to make out just what, exactly, was coming down the road. As the object neared, her face fell.

"It can't be!"

The other driver was not, in fact, driving a car. As details sharpened, there could be no doubt that this was actually a pony with wheels for hooves. Bright green and yellow mane stood out over a grey coat and feathers, and there was absolutely no mistaking the rainbow racing stripes curving up over her flanks.

"No, no, nononononono!" Wild Fire leapt into the air, darting for cover behind her Camareo, but it was too late. The sound of rubber chewing the pavement slowed to a stop and there came a familiar honking.

"Honk honk!"

Wild Fire groaned before poking her head up and glaring daggers at the wheeled pony. "Why did it have to be you?"

"Hoot beep beep! Honk vwoo?"

"Yes, I'm having engine trouble." Wild Fire gritted her teeth. "And no, it's not nice to see you."

"Whoop?"

"You used me!" Wild Fire's eyes nearly caught flame. "You betrayed me! I can't believe you'd have the gall to show your face--"

"Honk honk, beep beep, whomp!" The other pony wheeled around to the front of the car, looking under the hood. "Whoo, whoo, honk honk!"

"Don't wanna hear it, Wheely." Wild Fire crossed her hooves over her chest, ignoring her unwanted companion. "I don't need your help."

Wheels crunched on gravel, approaching her. She squeezed her eyes shut as a tire reached out and pressed gently against her foreleg.

"Hooonk."

One eye opened, and Wild Fire glared down at the other pony. Wheely Bopper looked up at her, face clear and apologetic.

"No!" Wild Fire snapped her eye shut. "I'd rather--"

Rather what? Rather die alone in the sweltering desert than accept help from a pony you thought was a friend? Images of racing over sand dunes and through muddy creeks together sprang to her mind. Wild Fire found it increasingly harder to hold her anger as she recalled high-fives after stunt races and evenings spent drinking milkshakes and giggling about stallions. There hadn't ever been anypony else she could connect with on that level, before or since. That's why their fallout hurt had so much.

Was all that worth throwing away? Wasn't Princess Celestia always harping about friendship and forgiveness during her radio fireside chats?

Wild Fire looked down at Wheely, her expression softening. The other mare smiled hopefully.

"Can I trust you?"

"Whoo!" Wheely spun about, presenting her back. She turned her head and grinned.

Wild Fire relaxed, stood, and clambered onto Wheely's back. "Okay. But this doesn't mean we're friends again, all right?"

"Honk!" Wheely nodded and took off, speeding toward Los Pegasus. The wind whipped through Wild Fire's mane and the road hummed beneath them, soothing her temper and her tired, overheated body.

"Honk honk, whoo!"

"Yeah. You said it."

Author's Note

7th place finalist in the June 2013 Writeoff, "For Old Times' Sake". Make sure you check out the cover image! (Snapai was a big reason why I wrote this story in the first place.)

Pareidoilia, or the Importance of Crochet

Pareidoilia, or the Importance of Crochet
by Present Perfect

Just look at this doily, would you? Rarity would be proud of it, I think, and proud of me for having finished it. Times past, I never could sit still enough for art, but these days I haven't got the pep or the spirit for doing much of anything. Pronking is no fun with arthritis, and traveling is no fun without pronking. So here I sit with my crochet to keep my mind and hooves busy until my grandchildren decide to visit.

Why thank you, dear. Believe it or not, it took me five whole doilies to get this good. Applejack's was first, just these circles that look like her cutie mark if you squint. I don't know that she would have approved of making something so fancy to represent her, but then she didn't live long enough to lose that youthful fire. It's what I admired about her, you know. They're apples, dear. Her cutie mark was apples. So were her pies. Oh, I miss those pies!

Yes, well, practice makes perfect. For instance, putting the butterflies into dear Fluttershy's doily was almost easy once I knew what I was doing. Lace really suits her, you know, soft and pliable but still warm and comforting to touch, and she loved doilies. Had them all over her cottage and had to keep making more when her animals ate them. Trust me, you don't want to see what happens when a rabbit gets a tummyful of yarn. Yes, it's just as icky as you're thinking.

Now look at this. See the itty-bitty stars there? That's Twilight's. I got brave enough after Fluttershy's to start doing straight lines, and it came out almost perfect. She'd have appreciated the symmetry, I think. Twilight did like mathematical things. And just like her magic and her friendship letters, I got inspired by my success with making her star, so I tried the irregular pattern next.

Can you believe your Granny got mad at a doily? I mean, really now, it's such a silly-filly thing to do, especially at my age. But as many times as I had to stop and start over with a whole new pattern in mind, is it any wonder I got so frustrated?

Wonder. Wonderbolt. A bolt of lightning for the best of the Wonderbolts, for my poor, sweet Dashie. She could frustrate sometimes, yes, but she really was the best of us. That's why she had to go first. The world can't handle that much awesomeness, not without spreading it over the clouds like jam for everypony to share.

I'm sorry, where was I?

Oh yes, Rarity. You see, your Great-Great-Granny Pie tried so hard to teach me crochet when I was your age, but I always thought it was boring. So of course when I started doing it myself, I had to make something worth noticing. Cutie marks are nice and all, but I wanted to capture her likeness in lace loops. Lace loop likeness, do you like that? I wanted to do it for all of them, but for Rarity, nothing less would suffice. That's how she talked.

What do you think? Really looks like her, doesn't it? Take a look at this picture, she's there with the rest of us. I think I really got the curl in her mane, don't you? She did always fuss over those curls, even after she'd gone gray.

Now I'm thinking I'll start over and do another for each of them, with their faces. Maybe even something a little more metaphorical, what do you think? That way, I'll have something to remember them by that I can hold in my hooves, not just pictures or memories. I can line them up here on the mantel so they don't get lonely, or maybe act out little plays with them.

But you didn't come here to watch your grandmother get all saddy-waddy about doilies, now did you, Persimmon? What's that? The pegasi at school are still bullying you? Yes, that's awful! I think I know just the thing, if you feel like risking some trouble, that is.

That's my girl! Now you take the one with Rainbow Dash's cutie mark, and I'll take Applejack's, and we'll make a little play right now while I tell you the story of the Mirror Pool. It was a lovely summer day and I had wanted to go swimming with Rainbow Dash, but Applejack was having a barn raising at the same time...

Author's Note

pareidolia (noun): the imagined perception of a pattern or meaning where it does not actually exist, as in considering the moon to have human features.

Or in this case, stitching your friends' likenesses into lace doilies. Hence the title pun. A lot of people were confused by that, so I wanted to put the note here. This story was 100% inspired by me seeing the word "pareidolia" for the first time and being confused as to its spelling. 12th place finalist in the June 2013 Writeoff, "For Old Times' Sake".

Somepony Still Loves You, Trixie Lulamoon

Somepony Still Loves You, Trixie Lulamoon
by Present Perfect

So I find myself in Equestria, which is strange for a number of reasons.

Reason number one: Equestria is a fictional kingdom in a cartoon show. I am a real person. This shit just does not happen.

Reason number two: I am not a pony. Everyone knows that if a human goes to Equestria, they turn into a pony; it's in the fanfiction. But here I am, standing in Ponyville town square, looking distinctly, unfailingly human. Still fat. Still beardy. Thankfully clothed. I take this as a sign that I will not be stuck here forever and ever, and also that I won't have to learn how to do everything with hooves eventually.

Reason number three: I did not particularly want to go to Equestria. I may be obsessed with the show, but I am now too old for the whole escapism via fantasy worlds shtick.

Also, I have no idea how I got here. All I know is that one moment, I was not in Equestria, and the next moment, I was. I'm an unemployed English major and I do stuff with languages. I definitely did not create or get caught in any kind of reaction that might break the fabric of space-time and shunt me into a cartoon.

Reason number four: There are ponies all around me, and they are not freaking out.

Corollary to reason number four: These ponies are not what you'd call friendly. They in fact seem to be regarding me with some level of apathy, perhaps even disdain if I read their expressions right. That's definitely unusual. Everyone knows when you end up in a terrible self-insertion "Human in Equestria" story, the ponies either freak the fuck out at your presence or welcome you with open arms -- hooves -- and neither is happening to me.

The mood around here is, in a word, muted. Foals are not cavorting through the streets. Salesponies are not shouting their wares. There's hardly any conversation going on at all, actually. I guess I'm not in a self-insertion fanfic, then. At least I don't have to worry about being mobbed by Pinkie Pie. What I do have to worry about is whether or not I can even communicate with them. I've seen that issue come up in numerous fics before, and fanfiction, as we all know, is basically a travel guide for realms of the fantastic.

I choose a target for my first attempt: two ponies seated on a bench to one side of the square, pony-watching and definitely trying to ignore me. And yes, one of them is sitting upright. I pick my way through the herd -- the streets aren't exactly crowded, but these guys only come up to my waist, so I'm gonna trip over somepony if I don't watch out -- put on my best "I'm not going to eat you, I swear" smile and approach the bench.

May it please the court.

"Lyra and Bon-Bon, right?" Boy, that sounds stupid.

Bon-Bon continues to ignore me, while Lyra groans rolls her eyes. "Yeah, whaddaya want?"

They speak my language! Joy!

"Umm... I'm not sure, really. I just got here. I am not sure how." Fidgeting. Wide grin. "Could use some assistance. Don't mean to be a bother."

"Uh-huh." Lyra waves a hoof off to my left and I turn to see what she's pointing at: city hall.

I try to defuse the mounting silence with a nervous laugh. "Isn't there, uh, a conversion bureau or something I should be going to? I mean, who handles interdimensional visas around here?" The humor, it does nothing.

Bon-Bon scoffs and climbs down off the bench. "Let's get out of here."

"Yeah." Lyra slides forward onto her hooves and they move off.

"Thanks, I guess!" Fanon, you have led me astray.

So, city hall then? Do I really want to meet the Mayor? I mean, is that a good idea?

To keep my mind off my bizarre infatuation with Ponyville's number one cougar, I try taking in the sensations of things around me.

First of all, I can't tell if I've been made into a cartoon person, or if Equestria is realistic. It's like I've lost my depth perception as well as my mental frame of reference for the way things are supposed to look. I remember what My Little Pony looks like on TV, but I'm not sure if that's what I'm seeing or not, no matter if I'm looking at the ponies or at myself. It's extremely disconcerting.

The ground crunches under my shoes. That's interesting; it at least sounds like I'm walking on real dirt or gravel or whatever. The air is moving against my skin, ruffling my shirt and what little hair I have left. It smells... fresh. Like, I shit you not, a load of laundry. Though, I guess that would be a load of laundry freshly washed in detergent meant to smell like a summer day, just not all fake, you know?

Sun's warm, check. Celestia's rays shining down on me and all that garbage. Ponyville, uh, sounds like a real place? There's not much besides ponies around to make noise.

What am I doing? Standing awkwardly around, smelling the air and getting funny looks from passersby. I need to go see someone and figure out what to do next. Someone like... Twilight.

Yes. Twilight will know what to do. Plus she'll be full of friendship, not like the strangely aloof ponos around here. And it should be pretty easy to find a huge tree in the middle of a small town, right?

It is not easy to find a huge tree in the middle of a small town, especially when no one wants to give you directions and you're in Tree City, Equestria. I've tried to amuse myself by naming everypony I see walking around, but the plethora of sour looks as I rattle off names are making that game no fun at all. I have to wonder what Pinkie Pie would do if she saw me. I mean, if anypony is gonna act closer to how I expect them to act, it'd be her, but I suppose she could also just throw a cupcake in my face while shouting "Welcome to Ponyville!" and run off.

Thankfully, despite having noticed Sugarcube Corner hereabouts, I see neither hide nor hair of her. Suddenly, I'm wondering if maybe the mane six aren't off saving Equestria or something. That would suck lots, because I'd be stuck with no money or food or friends for at least a little while, until they finished beating up Chrysalis or Sombra or the Lord of the Flies or something.

I wonder momentarily what season I'm in.

I step off the main road to let a cart full of apples -- big, uniformly red, and looking extremely good -- pass by, and then I see what I think might just be my goal. Yep, that's definitely a tree with a door in front. Lots of little balconies in the branches. Sign outside that says... actually, I'm not sure. Equestrian writing just looks like sparkles and horseshoes. Fuck, man, I can't get a break here.

Anyway, this has to be the place, so I go up to the door, knock a few times, and then crouch down because fuck me, I'm over six feet tall and fat and there's no way I can fit through this shit.

Someone's moving inside! I've got butterflies. Time to make a good first impression. God, I hope I don't smell.

The top half of the door opens inward and a purple and green face pokes out.

"Hell--whoa!"

I grin. This has got to be the best thing that's happened since I got here. "Hi. You must be Spike."

He blinks at me a few times. At least he doesn't seem upset. Yet.

"Yeah, uh... Lemme go get Twilight, hang on."

The door closes -- not slams! -- and there's more movement from inside, plus some voices. Then I can hear Twilight yell, "A what?" through the tree wall, and more movement, and finally the door opens again.

"What are you doing here?"

Whatever I was about to say dies an untimely death. I'd hoped we were past that. Dropping all pretense of being polite, I say, "I dunno. I was kind of hoping you'd help me out with that. Y'know, do the friendly thing."

The lower half of the door opens. "Get inside so nopony else has to see you."

I crouch down on all fours and crawl my way into the library. There's thankfully enough room to stand, but I need to keep toward the middle of the room to avoid scraping the ceiling.

Twilight lets out a cry of frustration. "I don't need this right now. Every time one of you 'bronies' comes to Equestria, you expect us all to just drop what we're doing and cater to your every whim. I've seen too many of my friends hurt by you creatures and your sick fantasies, so don't you go lecturing me on what is and isn't friendly, all right?"

Oh. Okay, that more or less explains everything. I clear my throat. "Sorry. Look, I'm just as in the dark as you are though, honestly. I have no idea how I got here, I didn't particularly want to come here in the first place, and I think I'd just like to leave now, since everypony's got a giant stick up their ass."

She snorts. "Well, unfortunately for you, it's not that easy." Sighing, she grabs a rather thick book off a high shelf and slaps it down on her coffee table, sending dust everywhere. Oh god, my allergies, you have no idea.

"Once you're here in Equestria, the only way to get back to human land is to do whatever it is you set out accomplish by coming here."

"But I--"

She holds up a hoof and glares at me. "Since you ended up here by accident, that means you essentially have carte blanche to do whatever you want and fulfill the requirement."

I frown. "Which is?"

"Fifteen minutes with a pony." I can hear her teeth scraping together. "You can do whatever you want with them for that time. Once that period is over, you go home." She takes a deep breath between each sentence, like saying this is causing her physical pain. "To get started, I just need your name."

Immediately, I answer, "Present--" and am cut off by her hoof slamming down on the book.

"Not your sun-damned made up fucking pony name!"

"Uh." In between heart beats, I give her my real name. She scrawls it into the book, closes it, and shoves it back into its spot.

"There. Fine. Now, decide what you want to do, and please don't tell me I'm your favorite pony."

Not anymore you ain't, Sparkle. Of course, Fluttershy's always been top of my list, but... I don't know what I'd do with her. Plus, I don't think I could stand my view of her tarnished by whatever awfulness exists in this Equestria of regret.

So who else? Lyra I saw already, and fuck her. Chrysalis would be... probably awkward and weird and I really should not tread down that path. The more I think about it, the more I realize that tarnished image problem is going to ruin just about any interaction I have.

"I'm waiting!"

Not that I have much choice. "Uhh, look, how much do most ponies know about us?"

Twilight snorts. "Not much. The further you get outside Ponyville, the less they're likely to know."

It suddenly hits me. "I think I've got it, then." I tell her my plan, and she displays a new level of disgust that I would not have thought possible a moment prior.

"You know that's going to require a lot of effort on my part to track her down."

I shrug. "The sooner you do, the sooner I'm out of your mane."

She stares at me for a good long moment, just enough for me to start sweating. That's most likely what she was waiting for, as she snorts once more and trots off to the library's lower level, calling back, "And don't touch anything while I'm gone!"

Well. That was dumb.

I have a seat on the couch, which is of course way too small for me, forcing knees up against my chin. I take a look around the inside of the library, but other than being way close to stuff, it looks pretty much like it does in the show. Which makes the wrongness of this situation all the more palpable. Why did I end up in crapsack Equestria?

Spike emerges from the kitchen, drinking something with a straw. He glances over at me, and then very obviously starts checking the room.

"Hey," he says, as casually as possible.

"Hey," I say back, feeling dumb thanks to knee-beard. "D'you, uh... Hate bronies too?"

He shrugs. "Nah. I mean, Twilight's got good reasons to be wary around you, no lie, but me? I'm cool so long as she's not watching."

Wow. Way to go, Spike. All I can think to do is hold out my fist. He looks at it for a moment, then waddles over, smirks at me, and bumps it with his own.

Oh man, so many people are gonna be jealous. I hope that doesn't count as part of my fifteen minutes. Although if it did, I wouldn't complain.

Spike sits down on the arm of the couch and finishes his drink. Then he excuses himself and heads off to do some chores, and that leaves me alone. Waiting.

Great.

I close my eyes and try to see if I can remember anything about how I might have gotten here. My memory's not that great, after all. But then I somehow get Winter Wrap-Up stuck in my head, and then the Flim Flam Brothers song, and then it's just all over. I resist the urge to stomp my feet or sing or anything. I'm sure it would annoy Twilight, and as much as I'd like to do that right now, I refuse to sink to her level.

Also I'm hungry. I wonder momentarily if I could even gain sustenance from cartoon food. What would it taste like? It's not likely I'll find out, since I doubt Twilight would be willing to feed me for any length of time, and I don't think Spike wants to test her patience any more than I do.

I get up and stretch, walking around where I can fit and inspecting things. Moving to grab a book off a shelf, I remember Twilight warning me not to touch things. Again, that rebelliousness wells up in me, but in the end I figure it's not worth it. It would be interesting to see what Equestrians write about, of course, but I probably won't have time to get too invested in anything. Browsing the titles seems the best way to keep myself occupied.

I get to the P's before Twilight shows up again, my stomach growling fit to wake the dead.

"All right," she says plainly, "I found her."

We saddle up, as it were, and hop a carriage to Manehattan. Oh boy, big cities, just lovely. The carriage driver is rather leery of me, or maybe just leering at me, but Twilight's explanation was that a train would have been too expensive, not to mention the logistics of trying to get me onto one, and a sky chariot wasn't even in the equation. I am privately thankful that I won't be added to her list of airsick brony experiences.

The ride is probably the most awkward one I have ever been on, and this is speaking as a lifelong nervous passenger. She spends it pointedly avoiding looking at me and giving curt answers to the few questions I muster up the courage to ask. Eventually, I give up and just try to ignore her.

That feel when you will never stroke Twilight Sparkle's pretty purple coat.

Manehattan as it turns out is neither as far away as I expected nor as large, though it's larger than Fillydelphia, which we pass in between. It's like everything in Equestria is scaled down for pony use. This isn't to say the buildings aren't looming skyscrapers, it's just that there are fewer of them and they don't loom quite so much. It helps that the streets are fairly broad and filled not with noisy cars but with noisy ponies and carriages like the one we're currently on.

Also thankfully, we seem to be headed not for the center of the city but to what I can only assume is an artisan district. There are murals absolutely everywhere, and strangely those are the first things I've seen that really make me feel like I'm not in an entirely different world. The art styles are as numerous as the paintings themselves, and they all tend toward bright colors even if some are more abstract and frankly more terrifying than others. I don't think they mean to be, given the overall upbeat subject matter depicted in them, it's just a style thing.

We disembark from the carriage, Twilight pays the driver, and then she tells me to keep an eye out. My height doesn't give me any advantage, because our target is nowhere to be seen.

"What if she's not here?"

Twilight frowns. "She will be. She always comes here on Thursday afternoons. We're probably just early." She blows a lock of mane off her face. "The sooner she shows up, the sooner we can get this over with and go back to our lives."

As I keep looking, fruitlessly, I notice something weird.

"They must not get a lot of humans here in Manehattan, huh?"

"I told you as much."

"I mean, they're all kinda staring at me." Silence. "Do we always show up in Ponyville first?"

"Yes." Her irritation is palpable. "Do you ever stop talking?"

"Do you ever stop being a bitch?"

Ooh, I can't believe I just said that. She whirls on me and her eyes are like fire. Twilight gallops two steps over to me, collides with my knees, knocks me over and then clocks me in the arm, which, no lie, hurts like a mother.

"Fuck!"

That feel when you will never be horsepunched by Twilight Sparkle.

"Don't you even judge me!" she shouts, attracting a lot more attention than I had alone. "My life was just fine before you people started showing up in it! Do you have any idea what your kind has done to Fluttershy? To Rainbow Dash?"

"I can guess," I say, holding my arm and gritting my teeth like a champ. "You know we're not all like that though, right?"

"I know you're all more trouble than you're worth!"

Nope, hurts too much. I roll onto my side, still clutching my arm and hissing through my teeth. "The show's about friendship and shit! Can't you at least act civil?"

Purplebitch gets right up in my face. "The 'show' is a load of horseapples! I just want you people to leave me and my friends alone!"

"Fine," I say after I've rolled onto my back. "Fine, Twilight. Whatever. I don't know what you've been through. So you keep on being bitter and I'll shut up now."

"Just what seems to be the problem over here?"

That voice! Finally! I roll over to see Trixie moving up to us. She appears the way I expected her to, cape and hat and everything. She looks at me, then her eyes flick over to Twilight and she raises an eyebrow.

"Is this what I think it is, Sparkle?" she asks.

"Yes." Twilight backs off from me. "This brony wants to meet you. Now please give him his fifteen minutes so he can leave."

For a second, Trixie does nothing. I have to wonder if she can say no or something. Then she flicks her head and says, "Very well, human. What do you wish from Trixie?"

Twilight backs off more and I take a deep breath. "Got any Tylenol? I'm kind of in a lot of pain right now."

Trixie, believe it or not, gasps in horror, her mouth dropping open as she looks from me to Twilight. My arm heats up and out of the corner of my eye I see a glow. Holy shit, magic! Feels awesome, bro, like liquid soap mixed with quantum glitter or something. And once it's gone, my arm doesn't hurt anymore. I poke it just to be sure. Nothing.

"That should last fifteen minutes easily. Feel better?" Trixie casts a little smirk at Twilight for some reason. I wonder just what her reaction is, but I've decided to focus on my fifteen minutes here.

"It is, thanks!" I smile. What in the heck could I actually do right now? "Uh, what else can you do?"

I hear Twilight groan, and the sound of what I'm pretty sure is a hoof hitting a forehead. Trixie takes a step back and launches seamlessly into a quick magical display. It's nothing much, considering, just a bunch of fireworks and light drawings, but... I'm one of those people who's always wanted there to be magic in the world, and it's just really amazing to watch up close. Maybe I did want to come to Equestria and just didn't know it.

"How was that?" she asks, with a flourish and a bow.

"Bravo!" I exclaim, applauding lightly. "You really are talented!" I figure a little ego-stroking can't hurt. After all, she doesn't seem to be as awful as Twilight, so I might get brownie points.

"Trixie likes this one, Sparkle," she practically purrs at Twilight. "Can she keep it?"

"No."

Not surprising to hear. I'm actually slightly thankful for that, though. No way do I want to end up Trixie's slave or something. Trixie makes a noise of disgust and turns back to me.

"Well? There is still time for the Great and Powerful Trixie to regale you with feats of magic. What else shall she do?"

I get a dumb idea.

"Uh. How about I do something for you?" I take a look around the courtyard. Twilight's got a book out, facing away from us but glancing over now and then. Since the fighting stopped, ponies around the plaza are shuffling back into their usual routines. It looks like Trixie even caught the attention of a couple passersby with that little display. Over to the side, I see what I'm looking.

"'Scuse me," I say as I wander up to the earth pony, "would you mind lending me that for a minute?"

He gives me a look of pure terror as he cranes his head up at me.

"S-sure," he says, holding his guitar up. "H-here you go."

Feels bad. "Don't worry, I won't hurt it." He doesn't seem reassured.

I take it back over to Trixie and sit down. Everything seems in tune -- not that I'd know, I always use an electronic tuner -- so I go ahead and start playing the song I wrote about her. Of course, pony guitar and hands, so it sounds awful. And I feel a little stupid playing it, since, y'know, stage fright plus singing about someone to their face, plus it's really, really season one. But she listens to the whole thing, and Twilight chokes on her own spit when I get to the line about shipping them, so it's all good. When I'm done, she applauds softly, with her hooves, not by stomping on the ground.

"That was..." Trixie's obviously searching for something nice to say. "Admirable. Trixie appreciates that you would write a song about her."

I smile. "I thought you might."

She glances at Twilight. "How... Er, how much time do we have?" Twilight just shrugs.

Trixie starts to look uneasy. I suddenly wonder if she might think I'm buttering her up for something unseemly.

"This doesn't happen often, does it? For you, I mean."

Probably not the best thing to ask. She turns away from me for a second, clearing her throat.

"Trixie will admit, she has not had as many... admirers of your sort. Not as many as Twilight Sparkle suggests other ponies have." She meets my gaze again, smiling but somehow not meaning it. "Which is not necessarily a bad thing, of course, given the stories Trixie has heard. The other one only wanted a magic show, and Trixie appreciates being appreciated."

"Well, uh..." I scratch the back of my neck. "I know you've had it kind of rough and stuff. Like, if what I know about you is true and all. Pretty much all I wanted to do, since I had the opportunity and stuff, was just let you know that there's someone out there who cares."

Her smile relaxes. I guess it gets more natural? "Thank you for saying so."

Better get it over with. "Could I have a hug?"

It's obvious that she's thinking about that. It takes a few extremely awkward moments for her to make up her mind.

"The Great and Powerful Trixie accepts."

I kneel down and hold my arms out and she trots up against me and then pony hugs. Wait'll I tell the guys back home, right? Well, I'm not going to, and I'm not going to describe what it was like here, other than "nice". I just went through a good deal of mental and physical turmoil, so the way this feels is my reward to myself.

She whispers into my ear, "You're not going to do anything creepy, are you?"

"No."

Goddammit, bronies, this is why we can't have nice things.

Once the hug ends, me not wanting to be greedy, I start getting tingly all over, kinda like when Trixie numbed my arm. I look down at my hands. They're doing that glowy disintegration thing.

"Aw, butts," I say eloquently. "That was not fifteen minutes just now." Sadly, my unintentional referential joke is lost on my audience.

Trixie smiles at me. Twilight moves into my view as I slowly fade from this reality. The last thing I do before leaving Equestria is give her the double deuce, because seriously, fuck her. Trixie wins at everything.

And then I'm back home.

Just, like, standing in my living room, nothing untoward having happened.

I check myself over, finding nothing amiss. I poke my arm and notice I can feel stuff, not pain thankfully, whereas before it was numb. I guess both the magic and the pain wore off when I came back here.

"Fucking shit!" I yell, twitching like an autist.

"What?" comes the voice from the other room.

"Nothing." I look around the room, just to remind myself where I am if nothing else. "Just the usual."

I pull out my desk chair and plop my ass down into it.

"Fucking ponies," I say into my palms. "Fuck."

My computer's already on. It's like I got up for a drink and stepped through a portal into magical pony land. All that stuff might as well not have happened.

But, lest I forget any details, I open up a Word document and start typing up a recap. And now here I am.

That fucking sucked.

Author's Note

Original Author's Note: "This is all the fault of the Equestria Daily pre-readers. THEY MADE ME DO IT. Faced with the question of "If you had 15 seconds with any pony, who would it be and what would you do?" my innocent desire to have a 15 second long hug turned into THIS.

HALP"

So yeah, that happened. Initially I was going to post this as it is now, then I was going to use it as the first chapter of my X-Prize entry that I never wrote (the part about me becoming Trixie's slave is an allusion to that), and then that kind of fell through anyway so here it is back to its original format. The X-Prize plot I've coopted for something starring my OC that I'll most likely never write.

Ever wondered what I would do in Equestria? There you go, I guess. Title is a takeoff of the band named Someone Still Loves You, Boris Yeltsin.

No Jobs Tonight

No Jobs Tonight
by Present Perfect

Let me tell you about my best friend in the whole wide world. Her name is Pinkie Pie and she is my favorite pony and by pony I mean she is a magical colorful talking pony from a television show who goes on friendship adventures with her magical colorful talking pony friends. She is my favorite pony because she throws the best fun parties in the whole world and I like parties and having fun and she is happy and wacky and she smells like strawberries. She is my best friend because she goes everywhere with me. This is good because all my other friends are in the Box and I am not sure if they are real but Pinkie Pie is here and real and that is good.

My Box Friends call me PinkPartyPony which I like because Pinkie Pie is a pink party pony and she is my favorite pony. I like talking with my Box Friends because they make me feel good when I am not feeling good but I cannot always talk with them because the Box needs to be Plugged In and that means I have to go Inside and sometimes they do not let me bring Pinkie Inside with me so I have to choose between my real friend or my Box Friends who may not be real. But when the Box is Fully Charged then I can talk to my Box Friends not Inside and Pinkie can be with me there and that is good.

Pinkie does not talk to my Box Friends though. Sometimes she will tell me to say something to them for her but usually she prefers to rest against a wall and watch me talk to them. This is one more reason I like Pinkie Pie. She is usually kind of really hyper but sometimes she can just relax and be quiet when it is the right thing to do and it is nice to be together then because I can think a lot more better. Sometimes I think about ponies.

Today is a day when the Box needs to be Plugged In and I am trying to decide where to go Inside so that the Box can be Fully Charged. It rained last night and Pinkie smells more like a wet floor today than she did yesterday so I will have to find some more strawberries for her too because she likes to put them in her mane which she keeps in tight braids.

Strawberries can be hard to find. The strawberry fields are inside big cans and sometimes they have more bananas than strawberries and sometimes they have no strawberries at all and the stuff in the can just stinks really bad. I think there was a time when I could get strawberries and bananas from Inside but I forget.

I tell Pinkie that she will have to stay home today and that I will find her some strawberries while I am out but I do not tell her that it is because she smells bad because that would hurt her feelings. She smiles at me and nods and something tells me she will spend the day planning a party because that is what she usually does when I am not home. My home is my Cardboard that I share with Pinkie Pie and when she throws a party she always knows how to decorate it just right so that it becomes super cheerful instead of plain and brown. Now I am going out and I am excited at the idea that I will come home to a party and now I just have to remember where I was going.

I leave my Cardboard and there is a noise out of my mouth like loud choking and I have to stop for a second because I do not know why this happens but sometimes it does. When it happens I have to stop and listen to the choking and sometimes my neck hurts on in the inside and sometimes my chest. But then it stops and I shake my head and walk because I remember where I am going.

I walk and I walk and eventually there is the place that smells like hamburgers and sweat and it is open today and so I go Inside there. I do not really like the hamburger smell but the ponies who work there are nice. I sometimes give them bits for a small milkshake and then they do not mind if I am there all day so the Box can be Plugged In.

I have an idea and that is if I get a strawberry milkshake I can save it for Pinkie and then I do not have to worry about finding strawberries in the big cans. Also she likes milkshakes so I buy her a milkshake and that way I will be able to surprise her when I go home by giving it to her and that will be kind of like saying thank you for throwing me a party. Today I do not know how many bits is the right number because I cannot remember numbers but the ponies who work in the place with the hamburger smell help me when that happens like the one who is at the counter who says come on don't you know what two fifty is. He is a nice pony except he is not a pony and I do not know what these ponies are except they look like me except I am a pony.

I am a green pony even though my name is PinkPartyPony but my mane is pink. It is not pink like Pinkie's it is more like the color of a piece of raw fish. I am an earth pony because I cannot fly or use magic and I know this because I have tried both and the flying hurt a lot. But it is okay I like being an earth pony because that is what Pinkie Pie is. My cutie mark is a Cardboard because I can make things out of Cardboard very good and also that is where I live with Pinkie Pie.

I get my milkshake and sit down by a window and the Box is Plugged In so I look at the Box Boards where my Box Friends talk. Today they are talking about how exciting it is that there will soon be more ponies on the television. I do not have a television at home in my Cardboard but I know where to find one Inside. Going Inside is not so bad when I know I am going to watch television and sometimes I can be not Inside and watch television through a window except then I cannot hear the ponies talk but sometimes I have to. Usually Pinkie does not come with me to watch ponies because she feels embarrassed when she is on the television. And they do not let her Inside anyway or me when I am with her.

Also my Box Friends are having a contest to see who can take pictures of ponies at different interesting places. I will have to ask a pony to borrow a camera so I can take a picture of Pinkie. Maybe I will take a picture of her on the bridge where my neighbor tried to fly and he disappeared once. I tried to investigate where he disappeared to but then I forgot and I tried to fly on a building and that hurt. It is a nice bridge and will make a good picture.

Some other of my Box Friends are talking to a pony who says she is sad because her mother kicked her out of their house and she has nowhere to go. I think that is sad and I make words on the Box Board to tell her that I think this is sad but I know that she will find other ponies who will love her if she just tries hard enough and I think that is a good and helpful thing to say to a sad pony.

I think of my mother because I am certain I have one. She is probably an earth pony like me. I got my piece of raw fish-colored mane from her and so my father is green like me. I cannot imagine what color his mane is or what color her coat is. I do not know what their cutie marks are because I do not know what their names are. Maybe one of them is an artist and has a cutie mark of a painting on an easel or a painter's palette. Maybe one of them is a pegasus and that is why I tried to fly when it hurt. A pegasus father and an earth pony mother can have an earth pony foal so this is probably true.

There are more words on the Box Board from a colt who says that his job is shit. I do not know what that means because I do not know what is a job and so I try to remember. I think about a place where many ponies sit all together in rows with walls in between and there are ponies who yell at you to work faster and your output is shit this quarter and I can't believe we hired you you moron and there are big empty windows and hot lights and white walls that are dead dead dead and I want to get out please somepony help me and I slam the Box closed and I am on the floor and there is water in my eyes and a pony comes over and asks are you all right and I cannot say. The pony helps me up onto my hooves and I sit back down and say I am sorry and thank you and the pony says that's okay just making sure you're okay and then she goes and I try and try and try to forget.

I hope I did not hurt my Box. That would be very bad. I touch it gently and whisper to it I am sorry I did not mean to hurt you and it says nothing back but that is normal so I think it is not hurt. I see that the Box is Fully Charged and it is getting late and now I do not feel so good so I say thank you to the nice ponies who are not ponies who work Inside with the hamburger smell and they look at me and one says jesus christ get lost already and I take my Box and leave Inside.

I am confused for a minute because I do not know whether am I in Ponyville or Manehattan or Canterlot and home is different directions depending on where I am so I always forget. I stop a pony on the sidewalk and ask where I am is it Ponyville or Manehattan or Canterlot and they say get the fuck away from me you crazy bum and then I remember that have been in Manehattan for two months and I am still there. Home is away from the sun from the place with the hamburger smell.

Manehattan is a very nice city I think even if it has big scary dragons that belch smoke in the street and sometimes yell at you for being in front of them. There are lots of ponies and even if they call you a crazy bum some ponies will give you bits or just smile at you and that feels good and when I feel good I like to sing and sometimes ponies will smile more because I am singing and that makes me feel gooder. Pinkie is a great singer and she taught me how to sing. Today is not a singing day although I am feeling kind of good and I sit down and I forget.

A pony passes by and tosses two bits on the sidewalk next to me. There are nice ponies in Manehattan like I said. Then a pony comes out of the hamburger smell place and stands next to me and says hey look do you need some help.

I do not know this pony and it is strange that she is talking to me except oh you helped me up Inside you are a nice pony and she says yes I helped you that was me are you okay. I say yes and I remembered I am just about to go home and she says where is your home and I say away from the sun and my home is my Cardboard and she says I can find you a warm place to sleep tonight if you need it. She says I always see you in the diner and you look hungry I can help you if you want and I do not know what she is talking about because I am not hungry. The loud choking happens again and my insides hurt and she says jesus are you all right and I cannot say and there is just more loud choking and she says come on I'm gonna get you some help and she takes my hoof and we go towards the sun which is okay because I do not feel like going home just yet and Celestia has the sun still in the sky.

We walk a little ways and the choking stops and she says seriously I think you need a doctor. I am okay I say I have my Box Friends and my Cardboard and Pinkie Pie she is my friend. The pony smiles at me and that is nice because she is a nice pony and I knew this because she helped me. She says do you have a job or anything and I say no no no job I do not know what a job is and she makes a whoosh sound and I do not say. Then she says I should really take you to saint mary's but saint joe's is closer come on. I do not know what these are so I do not say and we just walk.

I like this pony and I think she could be my friend. Her coat is light blue and her mane is short and black and I cannot see her cutie mark but she sees me looking and she makes a quiet choking sound and I ask if her insides hurt. She shakes her head and I think she is a unicorn but I forget.

We go to a building that is large and old and brown and cracked and the door is very big and wood and dark. We walk up to the door and I see that it has many shapes on it like bits and cups and Cardboards and she says okay I can't be out after dark but they can help you here just go in and ask. Then she gives me a little card and says my name is Florence Florence Washington and I work at saint mary's if you ever need help just go to this address and we'll get you a warm place to stay. She goes down the steps and I say thank you Flower Wishes you are a good friend and she shakes her head again and I am pretty sure she is a unicorn. Then she walks away down the street and I am here.

I think that since Flower Wishes brought me here I should go Inside even though I was already Inside once today but that is what friends do they follow each other's advice so I go Inside. It is dark and big and stone and very quiet so I can hear my hoofsteps a lot. I look at the card I got but it does not say what to do so I put it on the ground and then I see a sign that says work center and an arrow points one way so I go. The halls are narrow and dark and it is kind of strange in here and I do not feel so good but then there is a door and it has a handle so I turn it and there is a pony.

He is fat and bald and he looks at me and shakes his head because he is a unicorn. He is wearing an apron. He says sorry mac no jobs tonight come back tomorrow. And I say but July told me to come here. And he says sorry mac but I said we're closed come back tomorrow. So I say okay and then I go and he says close the damn door but I do not hear him because the loud choking is back and it is even louder and I do not like this.

Now I am out of the door of the place somehow and there are stairs and I can see the sky and the ground and the sky and then there is a police pony and he says whoa easy there are you all right and I say nothing because the loud choking. The police pony helps me up and he grabs me and says come on with me to the station let's get you looked at but I say no please can you tell me which way is home I just need to go and he says you're coming with me but I say no and I run.

I am an earth pony so I run good but it is dark and Princess Luna has raised a new moon and I cannot see good. I should not run from a police pony because they just protect the law but Pinkie will be worried about me if I do not get home and I tell him this but he just says something to his shoulder and I run.

A dragon belches smoke at me and somepony yells and I run down an alley and I hear the police pony's hoofsteps as he runs past and then away and I am safe now and I remember this alley so I can get home now and that is good. It takes me a long time to get home but when I find home there are two ponies there who I do not know and they are dressed in dark clothes and they look mean. One of them has Pinkie by the neck and I say stop you scoundrel unhand her because that is what action heroes say when they are about to save the damsel in distress and the other one laughs and they are making Pinkie have a party with them and not me.

I get angry.

Anger is not good for friendship which is what I learned from the television when I saw the ponies but right now these scoundrels are hurting Pinkie so it is okay if I get angry so I can save her because I also learned that it is good to stand up for what is right. The first scoundrel rears up on his back hooves to attack me but I buck him in the teeth and he howls and gallops away and there is red all over. The other one still has Pinkie and he says what you want this mop so bad go get it and he heaves her against the wall and I am now very angry and I pick her up and ask if she is hurt and she says no but she is angry too now and the scoundrel is charging at us so I help Pinkie to her hooves and we party with the scoundrel. ß consider changing to 'dance' or something, since that's necessary for parties

He is a good partier. Pinkie's mane slaps against the scoundrel wetly and we have to party ten or eleven times before he stops moving and turns red and then I search his pockets for bits and find a wad of paper and some candy in a bag. The candy is white powder which is not my favorite kind of candy but maybe I can sell it for more bits. I do not like doing that because the ponies who like the white powder candy are skinny and pale and smell bad and one time I had to have an anger party with one of them because he tried to take my candy and my bits. I make sure Pinkie is okay one more time and she says yes I am okay thank you for saving me and I smile big because I am her hero and she gives me a kiss.

She says she is sorry because the party was ruined and I say that is okay and I am sorry too because I forgot the milkshake. She says this is okay there will be other days to get milkshakes and we laugh and go into our Cardboard. The party with the scoundrels was a lot of excitement for one night and I am tired and Pinkie agrees that we should go to sleep because it has been a long day and we are tired. We will have to clean up the red tomorrow and I hope the scoundrel is not still there but Pinkie says she will clean up if I cannot do it and that is good.

I lay down on my Cardboard bed with Pinkie Pie. I remember living Inside with another pony only she was not a pony because she looked like everypony else and I was not a pony because I went to the place with the dead white walls and then she said something to me that was like knives everywhere and then she was gone. I am pretty sure after she was gone that I was very alone. But then I built my Cardboard and I saw the ponies and I met Pinkie Pie behind a building where somepony had left her in a bucket and I got all my Box Friends and things are good now because Pinkie is my best friend in the whole wide world and I am not alone.

I try to sleep but there is more loud choking and I sit up and it is very hard to see and breathe and there is more choking and Pinkie says are you okay what's wrong and I forget I forget and I cannot say. Everypony wants to know if I am okay and that is good but it gets tiring to hear all the time. I say I am okay Pinkie and I make sure I am not angry when I say it because I am not angry at her. And then I look at my hoof and everything is okay because I finally found some strawberries so I go to sleep.

Author's Note

I've lost the original author's notes on this story. It was spawned during a conversation with my friend Presspass, when we were both unemployed and griping about jobs. He said something to the effect of ending up living out of a cardboard box in an alley with a mop that smells like strawberries, and I wrote this.

Unfortunately, despite all the excellent feedback I've gotten on the story -- thanks to Vimbert, Eustatian Wings, Couch Crusader and Chromosome -- I've come to realize that there's really no reason to clean it up. This is a story with no ponies in it; it's about the fandom, not the show. So, flawed though it may be, I'd essentially be putting in a lot of work for just another post in this compilation. So it's time to say enough is enough, put it up, and let it sink or swim on its own merits, for the sake of getting it off my mind and my workfile. It's the kind of story I wanted it to be, at least.

Handy-Dandy

Handy-Dandy
by Present Perfect

"Well, well," Rainbow Dash said as she backwinged and landed beside the small lake. The unicorn sitting on a red and white checked cloth beside it startled at her voice. "If it isn't the Great and Powerful Trixie."

Trixie spat out what she had been chewing. "Excuse me, do I know you? You know, it's very rude to interrupt a quiet picnic for two."

Rainbow scowled. "Uh, yeah. Rainbow Dash? Ring any bells? I'd kind of expect you to remember a mare you humiliated twice in a year."

Trixie's eyes widened and she stood. "Oh, you're this world's..." Then, looking as though she'd swallowed a pair of scissors, she sighed. "Please accept my apologies on her behalf, Rainbow Dash. She doesn't often tell me what she gets up to in this world, and I know she can be rather... abrasive."

Rainbow Dash blinked. Then she blinked again. Then she sat down, still blinking. "Okay. I think I'm missing something here. You are Trixie, right?"

"Yes, I am." Trixie gave her a soft. "And, more complicatedly, I am the Trixie who was born in Equestria."

She motioned to the blanket and, when Rainbow Dash shook her head, shrugged and sat back down. A small plastic package emerged from her picnic basket and she pulled a layer of film off the top. From within the container came a red stick with a dollop of brown glop on the end, which Trixie spread on a rectangular cracker. Dash frowned and tapped her hoof against the ground while Trixie brought the cracker delicately into her mouth and bit down, her eyes rolling in ecstasy.

"Can you maybe explain yourself sometime today?"

"What?" Trixie startled once more, nearly dropping her cracker. "Oh, yes. Well, the simple, if not most believable, explanation is that every thirty moons, I trade places with a copy of myself from another realm populated by strange creatures that walk on two legs."

Rainbow's eyes widened. "Wait, you don't mean the mirror, do you?"

Trixie finished her cracker, brightening. "Yes, that's the one! I'm surprised you've heard of it." She lifted a napkin and wiped it delicately across her lips. "You see, I just adore these creations, and you can only find them there, inside special machines."

She held the package up so Rainbow could see the top.

"'Handi-Snacks'? Just what are--"

"And, while I'm there, the me from that place comes here as a pony. She enjoys performing with real magic, and I get to partake in these lovely treats, not to mention enjoying things like having hands."

"Uh, but--"

"It's quite the mutually beneficial arrangement." Trixie clicked her tongue and frowned. "Only it seems she's been making something a fool of me in my absence. I will have to have some words with her come the next moon cycle."

"Now hold on!" Rainbow lifted herself up off the ground, glaring at Trixie. "Will you shut up for two seconds and tell me just what in the hay 'hands' are?"

The sound of somepony yelling came from nearby and swiftly grew louder. Rainbow turned her head just in time to see the cloud of dust coming around the lake before the pony who had been yelling collided with her.

"--AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANDS!"

Shaking the stars from her vision, Rainbow righted herself, only to get a face full of mint green unicorn. Said unicorn stood on her hind legs. At the ends of her front legs, instead of hooves, were two monstrous appendages the like of which Rainbow Dash had never before seen. She couldn't even find words to describe them. The unicorn grinned at her and shoved the things into Rainbow Dash's face.

"Those," Trixie said plainly.

Rainbow Dash's eye twitched. And then, with a deafening boom and a multicolored shockwave that leveled trees in the immediate area and sent both unicorns sprawling onto their backs, Rainbow Dash exploded.

Coughing and sputtering, Lyra pushed herself to her hooves. Rainbow glitter coated every surface in sight and there was a thick haze of colorful smoke in the air. At a strangled cry, she turned to look at Trixie, who was covered in pastel marshmallows, some of which had landed in her gaping mouth.

Lyra bit her lip and clasped her hands behind her back.

"Mistakes have been made," she said quietly.

Trixie fainted.

Author's Note

This is the intersection of three separate ideas:

"So Trixie likes Handi-Snacks. Rainbow Dash doesn't know what hands are. STUPID SHIT ENSUES"

"Need a scene where where Rainbow Dash goes, "What are hands?" and Lyra pops up either wearing foam hands or with her hooves turned into hands, shouts "HANDS!" and Rainbow Dash explodes."

and

"Human Trixie and pony Trixie switched places long ago. This is why Trixie in EQG was kind of ineffective and fascinated by human conveniences. Pony (originally human) Trixie is dedicated to being the greatest magician ever because she didn't have actual magic as a human, so she's done everything she can to learn pony magic but she still approaches performing the way a human magician does."

Sadly, it seems blatant fandom references are not appreciated 'round these parts. :V It got me the coveted Wooden Spoon award in the April 2014 Writeoff, "One Little Mistake", though!

Mowe

Mowe
by Present Perfect

Apple Split peeked below the table, on the off chance that somepony was playing a cruel joke and had hidden all the fritters there. What he found nearly made him whack his head on the underside: a chubby orange filly, young enough to still need a diaper, sitting amidst the ruin of over a dozen fritters, sugar syrup smeared incriminatingly over her mouth.

He smiled, the fritters forgotten. "What's your name, little one?"

"I'm Appajack!" the tot exclaimed. "Mowe appew fwittew?"

"Well, you must be Red Delicious's filly!" His heart light, he extracted himself from beneath the table and shouted, "Hey, sis! C'mon over here and see what yer li'l girl's gotten herself into!"

A moment later, he was joined by his mother and younger sister. She took one look under the table and had to turn away, biting into her fetlock to keep laughter in check. Their mother just shook her head.

"Land's sakes, girl, the littl'un's got the appetite of a full-grown stallion! You'll have to keep a close eye on this'n!"

Blinking away tears, Red Delicious reached down and scooped her daughter up. "She'll end up as big as a full grown stallion too, if'n she keeps eatin' like this. C'mon, AJ, let's go getcha cleaned up."

On the way back to the barn, she ran into her husband, Cortland, filling him in on the details of what their child had gotten herself into. He shared in her laughter, shaking his head and commenting on what a strong mare Applejack was going to turn into with an appetite like that.

They got her settled in a wash basin and Cortland went off to fetch some towels while daughter and mother splashed in the water.

"Mowe appew fwittew?" Applejack asked, tiny eyes blinking expectantly.

"No, no, sugarcube," her mother said, chuckling. "I think you've had enough for one day."

"Mowe," Applejack said. She leaned forward and bit her mother square on the hoof.

"Ouch! Land's sakes, if'n you ain't got the teeth of a fully grown-- Ow! Cortland! Cortland!"

The filly had not only bitten, but latched on, and began chewing on her mother's leg. It squelched in her mouth. All Red Delicious could do was scream.

By the time Cortland returned to the barn, his wife was absent, their daughter still in her diaper and filling the wash basin a little more fully than she had previously. Redness covered her lips.

"Sakes alive, what's that silly mare gone 'n let you eat now?" He set the towels down and sighed. "Where's your momma at, AJ?"

"Mowe." Applejack belched, and a curl of pink ribbon emerged from her mouth, dangling down her front. Cortland squinted at her, raising an eyebrow.

"That looks just like Red's mane ribbon." Removing his Stetson, he set it aside and moved over in front of his daughter. "C'mon, now, open up. I don't need you chokin' on anythin'..."

Applejack opened her mouth. Her father placed his nose right up next to it.

His screams were only heard by a gangly red colt with a shock of orange hair, who was too petrified to move or speak.

"We never saw ma or pa again," Applejack said, removing her hat and placing it over her heart. "Way I heard it, there was a big search party, but the family reunion that year ended on a sour note." She put her hat back on and sighed.

Apple Bloom frowned. "You mean to tell me they just done walked off the farm in the middle of the reunion?" She looked to Big Macintosh for some sign that her older sister was fibbing or just completely bonkers, but he shrugged, not meeting her gaze.

"Eeyup."

"I'm mighty sorry, Apple Bloom," Applejack said, resting a hoof atop her sister's mane bow, "but you asked, and that's all I know of the story."

"Now hang on a sec." Apple Bloom's face compressed as she counted something out on her hooves. "AJ, you're like, ten years older'n me--"

"Seven years."

"Whatever. Point is, if ma and pa passed afore I was born, then how'd I get born? I ain't got too much knowledge on the subject, but don'tcha need a mare and a stallion to make a filly somehow?"

Applejack and Big Macintosh shared a glance, then looked pointedly away from one another.

"That's, err, a story for another time, sugarcube." Applejack coughed. Yes, the Breezies would have to wait.

Author's Note

Nothing like getting to the end of a story and realizing you just made an incest joke. D: Most half-assed attempt to avoid incest ever.

The concept for this piece is based off a quip my buddy Presspass made after Apple Family Reunion aired (I used it as the description). It wrote itself. 19th place finalist in the April 2014 Writeoff, "One Little Mistake".

Bat for Lashes

Bat for Lashes
by Present Perfect

"Tell me ya didn't pack yer eyelash curler again." The cart jostled and groaned as Applejack pulled it down the rocky hillside.

"As a matter of fact, I did." Rarity quickly added, "But don't take that as a sign of frivolity, dear. It was merely one of the few things I decided were absolutely necessary for this trip. I am attempting to 'rough it', after all."

"Yeah, well, I still don't think we're gonna have any kind of eyelash-curlin' emergency out here in Tanglewood Canyon." Applejack grunted. "Not to mention you still got three times what I do, by the feel of it."

Rarity sniffed. "That is entirely a matter of opinion."

Tanglewood Canyon was known for three things: the striated rocks painting the walls like a sunset; the rapids of the Tanglewood River that flowed between them; and the sudden, unexpected downpours during rainy season. Fortunately, it also had plenty of caves for those unlucky enough to be caught in one. Unfortunately, the closest one to them when the rain hit smelled just awful.

"It's like a herd of buffalo forgot to flush!" Applejack groused, stoking the meager fire as she shivered beneath one of Rarity's hoof-woven blankets.

"Please, Applejack." Rarity wrinkled her nose. "We are both cold and soaking wet. This is no time for crudeness."

"Yeah, well, it stinks." She tossed another twig on the fire, sneezed, and huddled down into the blanket.

Then her ears perked up.

"You hear somethin'?"

"As a matter of fact, I did." Rarity cocked her head to the side. "A light susurrus, all around. Do you think perhaps the rain might be letting up?"

A quick glance at the cave mouth proved that to be wishful thinking.

Applejack tilted her head up and gasped. The roof of the cave was dark, and rather bumpy, everywhere except right where the column of smoke from their fire met the light rock. Everywhere else was moving.

"Rare, I think we done picked the wrong cave."

Rarity screamed. It was echoed by hundreds of shrieks as leathery wings opened to reveal large eyeballs in place of bodies. They swarmed down, screeching, buffeting with wings and tearing with tiny claws.

"Ahh, they're in my eyes!" Rarity shrilled. "My eyes!"

Except, as she opened her eyes, they weren't. After a few terrifying seconds, all the creatures had abandoned her in favor of Applejack.

"They're tearin' out my eyelashes!" Applejack shouted, bucking blindly. "Rarity, do somethin', it stings!"

For a moment, Rarity was dumbstruck. Then she had a single, desperate realization. Adrenaline surged through her as she dove for her saddlebags. The eyelash curler emerged and she wielded it like a mace, knocking the eyeball bats off her friend.

"Applejack, hold very still and keep your eyes closed. This will require but a moment!"

Two hisses of steam and the deed was done. The flurry of wings faded. Applejack cracked one eye open and blinked.

"How do you feel?" Rarity asked, smiling.

"Uhh... Well, this feels kinda funny." Applejack rubbed at her eyes, then thought better of it. "Ain't so bad, I guess." With a grin, she looked upward to where the bats had resettled. They rippled like dark water. "By golly, Rarity, you done saved me!"

She tackled Rarity in a huge hug.

"So help me, I'll never poke fun at yer fancy ways again!"

Rarity snickered. "Far be it from me to rub it in, but I think you might have a teensy bit crow to eat."

"I do indeed." Applejack let out a sigh. "Let it be said, there is such a thing as an eyelash-curlin' emergency."

She turned toward the cave entrance and started. "Hey, the rain's lettin' up! We can keep movin' afore sundown!"

"Are you sure you don't want me to finish your makeover?" Rarity held up an entire makeup kit's worth of doodads and goop. "Just a little mascara would make your lashes pop!"

Applejack glared at her. "Don't push your luck."

As they left the cave, their supplies back in the wagon and the sun setting beneath the clearing clouds, Rarity cast a glance backward and hummed.

"Applejack..."

"Yeah?"

"Do you think perhaps those creatures mightn't have inspired the phrase 'batted an eye'?"

Applejack was silent for a moment, then started to laugh.

"I reckon maybe so."

Author's Note

This story is just based on riffing on AJ and Rarity's bickering in Sleepless in Ponyville, natch. I named it after some indie band. The pun at the end was a last-minute addition, more or less to justify having it be bats rather than anything else. Points if you noticed the Nicolas Cage reference! 13th place finalist in the April 2014 Writeoff, "One Little Mistake".

Rainbow Dash Gets a Big Ball of Lame Stuck in Her Throat

Rainbow Dash Gets a Big Ball of Lame Stuck in Her Throat
by Present Perfect

"Okay," Twilight said, rustling her wings, "who wants to explain how this one got started?"

Rainbow Dash massaged her neck, glaring balefully at the large, spit-covered yellow wad nearby. Applejack kicked a hoof and stared at the ground. Rarity tried very hard to look anywhere but at another pony. Pinkie Pie bounced up and down, holding one of her hooves up.

"Ooh! Ooh!"

"Yes, Pinkie?"

Pinkie hopped into the middle of the area. "Okay, so, today was National Catch Stuff in Your Mouth Day--"

"A holiday you made up, I should add," said Applejack.

"Not the point! The point is, I'm way good at catching stuff in my mouth, so I usually organize instead of participate!" Pinkie hopped onto one forehoof. "And since Dashie likes contests, she started trying to see what all she could catch in her mouth. She's real good at pie-catching, that's my favorite!"

Twilight's face morphed into its usual flabbergasted-because-Pinkie-Pie state. "Uh-huh, and..."

"Aaaand!" Pinkie twirled and hopped onto her hind legs. "Applejack showed up next, and she and Rainbow Dash got really into the whole competition thing. Y'know, like they do."

"I, uh, mighta gone a little overboard there," Applejack said to nopony in particular.

"Yes indeedly-do! But things didn't take a turn for the worst until we got over near Carousel Boutique." Pinkie stuck out her tongue. "I kinda dunno what happened then."

Twilight turned to Rarity. "Rarity, can you shed any light on the situation?"

Rarity flinched. "Honestly, Twilight, I was there, but I have no idea how it happened." Her lower lip jutted out. "Yet I still feel it was my fault somehow. I just cannot for the life of me figure out how Rainbow Dash was able to swallow an entire bolt of my best gold lamé! Ohh, and I was planning to use as an accent for a series of suits commissioned by Neighberaci, and now it's ruined!" Rarity flung herself to the pavement, weeping loudly.

"Ah-huh." Twilight began chewing on her lip. "Well, maybe Rainbow Dash can explain. That is, if you're feeling up to it, Rainbow."

Rainbow nodded and stood, her movements slow.

"Care to enlighten us as to exactly what happened?"

"It was--" Rainbow croaked, stopping to cough violently. She spat out several gold threads as the others closed in.

"It was..."

"Yes?" they chorused.

"It was..."

"Yeeees?" Pinkie leaned too far forward, falling on her face with a "Whoa!"

Rainbow sighed. "It sucked."

Without a clear answer, the incident was written off as another "Ponyville, am I right?" escapade. Rainbow Dash made a full recovery after a day spent taking it easy. Fluttershy was inwardly thankful that the damage to Rainbow's throat meant she wasn't in any shape to complain. Pinkie was inordinately displeased about something for the rest of the day, for reasons nopony could discern.

Author's Note

This fic is a riff on a line from Three's a Crowd so obscure, I had to go back and remind myself just what it was. That's all I really have to say about it other than it's kind of not really a story. At least I didn't end with them going to get ice cream.

Maybe I should have.

15th place finalist in the April 2014 Writeoff, "One Little Mistake".

No Harm, No Waterfowl

No Harm, No Waterfowl
by Present Perfect

It was a hard fall for Trixie. Once a household name known around Equestria, driven from her throne by the odious Twilight Sparkle, forced to scrounge in the street. Then lifted high, high by the corruptive power of the Alicorn Amulet, brought with hard work on a rock farm. But it was not to be.

She had to thank Twilight, which was worst of all. The Amulet's evil magic had brought out her worst. It was truly that vile influence that had shown her the error of her ways. The pony she did not want to be. Twilight had saved her from herself. No longer Great and Powerful, but Humble and Apologetic, Trixie had finally reflected on her faults and discovered inner peace.

Now she spent her days in quiet contemplation in the solitude of a wildlife reserve.

It was an opportunity that had come about her chance. One of Twilight Sparkle's friends had felt a certain level of pity for her plight. Trixie has resisted at first, not wanting Twilight's pity, even by proxy. But the yellow pegasus, meek though she was, had won out in the end through an uncanny charisma that had frightened Trixie to her core.

In the end, it had turned out for the best. The reserve was located miles from civilization, in a lushly forested patch of emerald in Equestria's north. Rainstorms and fog were her friends. The animal came and went as they pleased, with Trixie and the other volunteers helping them migrate and find homes for hibernation.

It was, she thought, a paradise. Here, a pony could truly be happy, at one with nature.

That all changed when the ducks ~~attacked~~ came.

It hadn't been an unexpected event. The ducks arrived at this time in the spring every year, to find mates and make families. Trixie had been looking forward to them, even if they pooped everywhere.

She was making the first count of the ducks when she saw him. A lone mallard, flapping in blithely for a water landing. He had an obstruction around his neck. Concerned, she called to him and drew him in to shore.

What she saw stopped her heart.

Though he was in no apparently distress, he bore a wheel around his neck like an albatross.

She took a step backward. Then another. Blinked blithely, he walked after her, heeding the call, that blasted wooden contraption clunking against him as he waddled.

The forest stilled. The birds quieted. All of Trixie's focus was on the wheel.

It laughed at her. It reminded her of every failure, every lost wagon, every night spend in the freezing rain. Its voice was Twilight Sparkle's. Its voice was hers.

She screamed.

"No!" she shouted, panting. "It can't be!"
She tried to escape, but she tripped. She screamed again. Her heart pounded. Her lungs burned.

"I can't!"

It loomed over her.

The duck blinked.

"LEAVE TRIXIE ALONE!"

In a flash of magic, the wheel disintegrated and the duck flew off, quacking.

"The Great and Powerful Trixie will not be mocked!"

Anew, the plans flooded her mind. She would go back to Ponyville and have her vengeance! Twilight Sparkle would pay! They would love her, or they would fear her!

With a shriek, a bald eagle flew in and carried Trixie off.

Author's Note

The prompt for Trotcon's 2014 Speedfic Contest was actually "Sweetie Belle vs. Fabric", but I decided I didn't want to write that, so I fucked off and did "A pony's love of ducks" instead. (Except... kind of not.) The original first line of this piece was "Sweetie Belle is not in this story. Nor is fabric." but I removed it since that was meant for the reader. Also, this didn't actually get read (we had 40 people participate, and one less story read was a good thing) so this is a Fimfiction exclusive! :D

This idea was pretty obvious to me after Pinky Apple Pie and the duck catching the wheel around its neck. Is this how I would have liked to execute it? No, but I wrote this in less than an hour on a single piece of paper because we ran out of paper for the panel. :B So it is what it is, and further space to write in would not have ultimately improved it. Enjoy!

The Eye and the Web

The Eye and the Web
by Present Perfect

"Blessings of friendship be upon you."

Zecora started. Not only had she not heard whoever it was enter her hut, they were speaking her native tongue! That could only mean...

"Bronze Bangle, can it be? Many blessings also upon you!" She rushed toward the door, gently wrapping her hooves around the hunched form of her friend. The aged, bent pony returned the embrace, and Zecora led her to a chair, where she sat with a whump and a tinkling of jewelry. She fussed with her drab cloak while the zebra started water boiling in her cauldron.

The robes were bulky, weighing the old pony down and making movement difficult, but Zecora knew the reason why Bronze Bangle concealed herself so: the marking on her flank of an orb weaver's web, adorned in the center with a single, bloodshot eye. It was a cutie mark that unnerved even the strongest-willed pony; its presence was not needed.

"How are you, my old friend?" Bronze Bangle asked, the tones of the zebra language falling effortlessly from her tongue. "What news comes from the majestic Everfree Forest?"

"Ahh, not so much changes in the Forest, wild though it may be. All of the news in this area comes directly from Ponyville."

"Ponyville, you say?" Bronze Bangle lifted her cowl, revealing a face lined with time. Her coat, once the color of her namesake, had faded to a dull tan. Her mane had gone silver long ago. Her left eye, the lens milky white from cataracts, bulged horrifically in its socket. She grimaced, showing yellow, misshapen teeth, and worked herself around in the chair until she was comfortable. "It so happens that Ponyville is my destination. Is there anything I should know about the town?"

"If you are going to Ponyville, then it is a most joyous occasion." Zecora smiled. "Let me tell you about a unicorn named Twilight Sparkle..."

The trip into Ponyville was wet and slow. Lightning and thunder marred the sky. The downpour soaked Bronze Bangle to the bone as she shuffled slowly forward, hugging her crutch. She walked upright, leaning against it, for only one of her back legs worked without pain anymore.

"Blasted pegasi asleep at their posts again."

She rued not having taken up Zecora on her offer of hospitality for the night; foals did not rest on their journey to be born, and neither could she. But as the lights of the town came into sight, the rain lifted, and holes in the clouds revealed a starry sky. Just a little further, and she could be in the warmth again.

The storm must have taken the townsfolk by surprise. Everywhere she looked was debris and chaos. The park was littered with downed branches. Roofs were missing shingles. From her position atop a hillcrest, she could see a group of ponies working to removed a downed tree atop a house. She shuffled toward them.

Making her slow way into the center of the village, for she did nothing quickly anymore, she came across a silver stallion, no doubt rushing off to find more help. She whipped her crutch forward, almost into his face, and he skidded to a stop. Noticing her for the first time, he recoiled in horror.

"I am looking for a mare named Floret, recently expecting. Where can I find her?" This was not the time for pleasantries; enough had lapsed as it was.

The earth pony seemed at a loss for words. She turned her head so that her clouded left eye was pointing straight at him, even though doing so filled her view of him with white milkiness.

"Where is Floret?"

"I... I dunno! Uhh, a bunch of ponies took shelter in the library?"

She hmphed. "Where?"

He pointed a shaky hoof southward. She turned, unsteadily, and began to hump herself in the direction indicated. But as she left the frightened stallion behind, she felt eyes on her back.

"Who is that?" came the frightened whisper.

"I've never seen a pony so... hideous!" said another.

"Don't you think it's strange? That freak storms hits and suddenly she shows up out of it!"

"Yeah, I bet she's a witch!"

Bangle grimaced. The best course was to ignore them, but the intoxication of numbers was likely to cloud their better judgment. She spun around, as quickly as she could manage, the grimace of pain only adding to the fierceness of her countenance. They shrunk back.

"Best to leave matters of the weird to those what understand them! I suggest you go back to fixing that house, lest you wish to see what this old witch does to wayward ponyfolk!"

Cowed, they scattered, and she, feeling less than proud of herself, continued on her way.

With birth rates so low these days, it was likely none of them had met a Seer since their own births. She could not fault them for their fear. For their prejudice, perhaps, especially after what Zecora had told her about her own experiences with them. As it was, that lack of new births preoccupied her, as she took in the sights of a town she had not been to in a very long time.

Few of the buildings looked familiar. Certainly, they were in many of the same places, but they had been rebuilt or remodeled. The one that looked like it was made out of cake and ice cream was a particular eyesore. She had to ask two more frightened ponies for clearer directions, only to find out she'd walked past her destination.

"Who puts a library in a tree?"

She was certain it had not been a library the last time she'd been here, at any rate. As she approached the door, she did not knock, but entered to find more than a dozen ponies stretched out wherever there was space. Many had light wounds; ice packs and bandages were everywhere. All conversation stopped as she stepped across the threshold. Their weary eyes turned to examine her as she composed herself, impassive beneath their stares.

"Wha... Who are you?"

The voice came from the second level, a purple unicorn mare leaning over the railing.

"I am the Seer, Bronze Bangle."

The atmosphere in the room suddenly relaxed. That declaration gave her leave to impose herself upon them. The convalescent returned to worrying about themselves, glad that her appearance was not meant for them.

"You must be Twilight Sparkle."

The unicorn, as well as three other mares on the second level with her, gasped. They must be friends. Such a display of "power" would no doubt keep them out of her mane for the time being.

Twilight was taken aback. "You... know me?"

"No time for questions, girl, I've work to attend to. Is Floret here?"

A soft, dulcet voice called from behind the unicorn, "We're up here, Seer."

She made her way carefully to the stairs and sighed. Lifting her good leg, she put all her weight on it and mounted the first step.

"Please, ma'am," said Twilight Sparkle, "I can make it easier for you. If you don't mind, that is."

"Such kindness." Bronze Bangle closed her eyes. "Gently, dear."

The warm tingle of magic suffused her form, and her legs went slack as she was lifted gradually from the floor. She opened her eyes to survey her ascent of the staircase, bracing herself for the landing. Twilight impressed her by setting her down ever so gingerly, and the orange earth pony and rainbow-maned pegasus on the top level helped guide her safely to a standing position.

Bangle inclined her head graciously. "Thank you, my dears."

Now was not the time to be impressed at manners, though she did note the obvious look of disapproval on the face of the fourth mare in the area, a white unicorn with purple mane. Brushing past her, Bangle moved to the bedside, the other ponies in the loft watching her. Atop the bed, nestled in a pile of blankets and pillows, was a light blue earth mare with forest green hair. She moved a blanket aside to reveal Bronze Bangle's reason for being here: a tiny auburn unicorn cuddled up between her hooves.

Bronze Bangle cooed to the babe, who looked up at her with bleary eyes and an unsteady head. The mother signaled her approval, while the younger mares looked on. Gently, Bangle pressed her hoof to the colt's forehead, careful of his tiny horn, and closed her eyes.

The Sight showed many things when accessed. From this moment, possibilities branched out. The young unicorn playing on a farm. Going to school. Falling into a well and being unable to climb out before his family could find him. Meeting a young pegasus filly in high school. Being gored by a stampeding buffalo in his early adolescence. Moving to Manehattan and falling in with a gang. Getting dumped by his fillyfriend and charging off a cliff. Falling out of a balloon. Drowning in the ocean. Crushed by farm machinery.

Bangle pushed further. So much death; no one pony's future should have so much death. She tried to weave the threads of fate into a column which she could traverse all at once, but in each instance, the result was the same: the column broke a short way up. In every scenario, this colt either died young or died before he could find his talent. His life was a blank; his existence meaningless save to bring pain and sorrow upon his family.

With a gasp, she broke contact. She realized she was sweating profusely, and all eyes were upon her.

"The Sight, it strikes me hard these days," she lied. Mopping her brow with a fold of her robe, she asked, "Do you farm?"

"Yes," replied Floret, "my husband and I farm vegetables."

Bangle nodded, swallowing. "I believe you have some say over his naming. Choose a name that will fit a farmer's child, one that will bring joy and happiness to all who meet him. Raise him with love. That is what my Sight has told me."

Smiling, the mare lay back on the pillows. "I was thinking of Parsnip. Maybe Parsnip Snap, that has a nice ring to it."

"Yes," Bangle wheezed, "that will do fine." Her breath caught in her throat and she forced herself to cough. The force of the action sent her tumbling to her knees. Twilight and the other mares rushed toward her with cries of concern, but she couldn't really understand what they were saying. The floor spun beneath her and she blacked out.

When she awoke, she was laying on a soft bed. Both Twilight Sparkle and a nurse pony hovered over her.

"She's coming to!" said a murky voice. "Oh, thank goodness!"

She tried to speak, but it felt like her tongue had expanded to fill her mouth.

"Miss Bangle, please, don't try to move," the Nurse said, worry in her eyes. "You had a nasty fall, and it looks like you might have caught a cold as well. Just rest, everything will be okay."

A cold? Blasted rain. Blasted lazy pegasi. She sank back against the pillow and squeezed her eyes shut. She couldn't be certain how long it lasted, but she drifted in and out of wakefulness for at least a day; she could recall seeing the sun up at two different times, the second earlier than the first. Nothing was said to her when she woke, but she caught glimpses of the young purple unicorn almost every time she awoke, looking concerned.

What a good girl.

At some point, she woke and asked for water. Twilight was there, propping up her head and levitating the glass so that she could drink from it. Bangle sighed, and felt the earlier tightness in her chest as a rattle of loose bits instead. She coughed until some of it came out, then stretched her forelegs; painful, but no more so than usual.

"Madame Bangle, how are you feeling?"

She cracked a smile. That was always a good sign. "Better, child, thank you. Have you been at my bedside all this time?"

"Well, this is my house..." The unicorn blushed. "But yes. I was very worried about you."

Bangle reached up and stroked the mare's cheek with her hoof. "Such kindness and generosity have not been shown me in a long time. You are a very special pony, Twilight Sparkle, and you have my gratitude."

The unicorn seemed to be considering what she would say next. At length, she asked, "How did you know my name when you first arrived here?"

Bangle smiled. "I hope that you were not too surprised. The answer is simple: Zecora told me all about you."

"You know Zecora?" The mare's eyebrows rose.

"She's an old friend of mine. She was very impressed by your ability as well as by your character. I had hoped that I might meet you while I was here, but I had not counted on it."

The unicorn blushed slightly. "I had no idea Zecora thought so highly of me."

"She and I both understand the fear of what is unknown. You proved yourself in her esteem by your actions, once you had learned the error of your ways."

Twilight blushed deeper, eyes cast to the floor. "It wasn't my finest moment."

"And yet, you learned from the experience and became a better pony for it." She lay back, relaxing momentarily while she recomposed her thoughts. "Your talent with magic is most impressive."

"It is?"

"Don't be modest, my dear. I was not Seer at your birth, but your cutie mark suggests great power. You helped me mount the stairs with more grace and finesse than a pegasus in flight. A unicorn with your skill... we could use somepony like that as a Seer. A shame you were not gifted."

Twilight seemed to consider this for a few moments. "What is it that Seers do, exactly? If you don't mind my asking, that is."

"Not at all." Bangle coughed again, then relaxed after the fit passed. "The Seer is a pony gifted from birth with the Sight. It is a gift that does not depend on horn to be used; in fact, most Seers are earth ponies and pegasi. It is a Seer's duty to use the Sight and see into the possible future for a newborn foal. From the myriad images the Sight provides, the Seer then suggests a name that will suit the foal's eventual talents."

"What did you see in Floret's foal's future?"

Bangle shook her head. "A Seer's first duty is to the future; to give it away is to pollute and damage it. Each pony must find their way on their own. But even were that not the case..." She sighed. "The future is not always pleasant to see."

Twilight reached up and placed a hoof comfortingly atop hers. "How does one become a Seer, then?"

"As I said, the Sight is gifted from birth. The Seer of a Seer's birth creates two names; the first is whispered in the foal's ear, the second told to the parents. When the young Seer realizes they possess the Sight, they will remember their true name, whispered to them so long ago, and get their cutie mark."

The unicorn nodded. "I saw your cutie mark when we brought into the bed. I've... never seen one like it."

Bangle laughed dryly. "Frightening, isn't it? I've met Seers with cutie marks that could drive a pony mad just by the sight. That is why we cover them."

"Could you tell me your real name?"

"My cutie mark suggests it: Cobweb Hex is my true name, though none but other Seers would recognize it. I have lived as Bronze Bangle for so long, I tend to think of myself with that name. But never do I forget my true nature, my duty, or my gift. The life of a Seer is a lonely one. Our gifts tend to make other ponies fearful, and there are so few of us left these days, companionship is hard to come by."

"I'm sorry to hear that. Why aren't there more Seers? I'm pretty sure I've never met one before today."

"Low birth rates, child. Life is good in Equestria, but foals are hard to come by. Once, each town, no matter how small, could count on a Seer's service. But these days... well, it seems that the Sight knows how much it is needed. A pity, as it means I must hike this old body from town to town every day."

"Do you know who was Seer at my birth, by any chance?"

"Hmm, let me think... You aren't from Ponyville, or it would have been me."

Twilight shook her head. "I was born in Canterlot."

"Ahh, yes. Judging by your age... I would think that was Silk Scarf, though she passed away a number of years ago." She chuckled dryly. "That too keeps Seers lonely. Including myself, there are only four active in the entire land, and all but the one in the Canterlot are old, as I am. Our power is waning, my dear. And that is why I say I wish we could have had someone like you to count among our company."

Twilight crouched low at the side of the bed and looked her in the eyes, her expression earnest. "I'm going to make sure you get better, Bronze Bangle. And if ever you're in Ponyville, you're welcome to stop by. I'll even put you up if you need to stay."

"So kind, my dear, so kind. A trait I am so unused to seeing in ponies." Her eyes brimmed. She began to cough for nearly a minute, which took the fight out of her. "Ugh, I must rest. These old bones can't handle such trouble as they used to."

"I'll let you sleep. Thank you, Bronze Bangle."

"What for, dear?"

"For telling me your story. I'd like to learn more about the Seers, if you're willing to tell me."

Bangle smiled.

"For you, dear, I shall. Ask me anything, when I am awake."

As Bronze Bangle, she closed her eyes. As Cobweb Hex, she sank into darkness.

Author's Note

This is a very old story, almost the first I ever wrote, wherein I tried to explain that age-old question of how ponies get such predictive names. The end result was clumsy, unwieldy, and I couldn't make the story go any further than this. Now that I've posted another story that answers the same question in a much more satisfactory (to me) way, I've decided to release this one, just to get it out of my workfile.

The text is mostly untouched from the original. I added in the last line, and a few dialogue tags to make conversations flow better, but I figure as a testament to my writing ability three years ago, it wasn't worth doing anything major to. Also, you can tell it's horribly season one because I didn't know how pegasus weather worked. This story, much like Perfect Tense, just wouldn't work nowadays, but I hope you enjoy my imaginative little headcanon blurb regardless.

And a Smile Means Friendship to Everyone

And a Smile Means Friendship to Everyone
by Present Perfect

"Miss Fleur, you've just revolutionized the entertainment industry, for foals and the young-at-heart alike. Tell us how you did it!"

Fleur tittered at the newspony as camera bulbs flashed and the crowd of reporters shouted questions over top one another. She adjusted her glasses, smiling from behind the podium as she formulated her answer. The first rule of press conferences: never answer straight away.

"Well, Mister First Edition, when I was a little filly, I loved nothing more than drawing. I would make up stories to go with the drawings. Just the silly things a young filly thinks of, you understand."

Nodding heads.

"But as I grew, my art improved, as did my storytelling skill." She smiled in what she hoped was modesty. "Yet I soon found the drawings limiting. I couldn't tell my stories in quite the right way, no matter what I did. Thankfully, I met Film Reel in my first year of high school." She indicated the unassuming blue stallion standing to her left. He smiled and waved, and the crowd of reporters started firing off questions before she continued.

"If not for him, I daresay the idea of moving drawn images would never have come up. We've been business partners ever since. The rest, as they say, is history!"

She let the crowd jabber for half a minute before selecting a pegasus mare in a business suit.

"Miss Fleur, Final Report from Canterlot News. Your story has been an inspiration to ponies across the globe. All we want to know is, what are you going to do next?"

Fleur tittered again. "I'd been hoping somepony would ask something like that. You're all getting the first scoop on this, mares and gentlestallions. I plan to open a theme park!"

There was a roar from the crowd. The flashbulbs increased. She could feel the scratch of a hundred quills on parchment and smell the nervous sweat of newsponies struggling to decide how long they should stay to hear the whole story before flying off to scoop their competitors.

"It will be a place where fillies, colts, and ponies of all ages can see my characters and stories come to life." She beamed, lifting her chin. "There will be costumed performers, and rides, and animatronic statues so the ponies can interact with them. It's all very conceptual at this stage, but rest assured, it will be happening, thanks in part to both Film Reel and Fancy Pants."

"Miss Fleur!" cried a unicorn in the front row. "Is it true your husband will be single-hoofedly financing this one-of-a-kind undertaking?"

Fleur looked to the dapper unicorn standing on her right. He smiled at her and winked.

"Oh, him?" she said, innocent as a schoolfilly. "Why, he isn't my husband!"

All three ponies on stage broke in uproarious laughter, which sent the newsponies into a confused frenzy.

"In all seriousness," Fleur continued once her laughter had subsided, "this is a group venture and there are quite a few more ponies involved in it than just who you see here. That's all the time I have for today, I'm afraid, but rest assured, I'll be introducing everyone in time. Thank you all for attending!"

She blew kisses to the crowd as the newsponies rushed for the exit, each hoping to get to the press room first.

"Mister Biceps, you and the Ponyville Pirates just won the Hoofbowl!"

"YEAH!"

Bulk's shout bowled the hapless news pegasus over, but he was able to catch himself before hitting the ground. Recovering, he untangled his microphone from his wings and readjusted his hat. The noise from the stadium crowd around them was deafening, and he tried to emulate his interviewee when asking his next question.

"All of Equestria wants to know: what are you gonna do next?"

Bulk grinned, showing mismatched teeth, and lifted his forehooves, flexing. This time, there was no hope for the newspony. Bulk Biceps roared, and the pegasus spun off into the stands.

"I'M GOIN' TA DIS LEE WUUUUURL!"

Author's Note

So in case you're going, "Wait, Present. What the hell did I just read, and why?" I can answer the first question for you. (As for the second, I'm pretty sure it's just your own fault.)

I wrote this story entirely to make fun of Gameloft. In the official MLP game, which I've never played, Fleur de Lis's name is apparently spelled "Fleur Dis Lee", which I read as "diss lee", which kind of sounds like Disney. I'm sure they changed it for copyright reasons, but it's just so incredibly stupid, I can't believe it. I mean, in French, it would be pronounced "dee lay"! Stupid. Unfortunately, the final joke is likely not going to work for anyone not familiar with both that game and American sports, but no one ever said I was a good writer.

Oh yes, and the title is a line from It's a Small World. I thought it was a propos. Finished 43rd out of 51 entries in the August 2014 writeoff, "Famous Last Words".

The Brony Princess (Unfinished)

The Brony Princess
by Present Perfect

Chapter 1

I don't even have to look up to know who had slapped the pamphlet out of my hands: no one at my school wears more of those rubber bracelets than Chryssy Morgan.

"Sorry, Latie Katie," she sneers, "only pretty girls are allowed in auditions. Maybe if you're lucky, they'll let you lift the curtain up and down. Or maybe clean up afterwards!"

She laughs, and her posse laughs with her. Candace Hodges, Audrey Wurtzelbacher, Molly Karpinsky: they're all names that have haunted me since second grade. Even after all these years, after we were all supposed to be growing up and thinking about our future, they're stuck in the past with childish grudges. And no, I don't know what I ever did to them. Existed, I guess.

"And just in case it wasn't clear," Candace says, pointing a finger in my face, "you. Aren't. Pretty. Ever!"

They laugh like it's the funniest joke in the world. I just stand there and look at the dirty tiles beneath my feet. I've learned to just take the abuse. They usually go away after a while.

Today, there's apparently a two insult limit because they take off down the hall after that, still laughing. I stoop to pick up the dropped pamphlet, shuffle three steps to put it in a trash can, and then head back to my locker.

Millard Fillmore High is like a lot of other high schools, I guess. There are about a hundred people in my class, because this is kind of a small town, which means that if anyone like Chryssy gets it into their head that they don't like you, they have plenty of opportunity to remind you of it for the rest of your life. There's never been any way for me to get away from them, which is why I developed my defenses.

Never strike back. Never look them in the eye. Turtle up so it hurts less. Stay quiet. The only hope is to not give them a reaction. Once they get bored, they give up and leave, and then you're home free. Until the next time, anyway.

My next time was soon coming. The moment I close my locker door, my arms full of books, a shoulder slams into mine, knocking me off balance against the cold metal.

"Suck it, pony freak!"

More laughter, from boys this time, echoes down the hallway. I can only guess at who it is, the list of possible candidates is so long.

"Are you all right?" an adult voice says. A teacher I don't know, a weedy man in a bowtie and thick plastic-framed glasses, stands wringing his hands just out of arm's reach.

I right myself, and bend down to gather up my books. "Yeah," I mumble.

"Good. If I find those boys, you can bet there's a long detention in store for them."

Oh, detention, great. I've always imagined they hold meetings in detention, my tormentors, making elaborate plans just to torture me more the next day. It certainly never deters them from continuing on with their behavior.

"Thanks."

He's there a moment longer. "You'll be late if you don't hurry," he says, his voice strained, then shambles down the hallway in the direction the boys went. I pay him no attention, grab my last book, and make for my fifth period classroom.

Being late, by the way, is not how I got this terrible nickname. Once, in seventh grade, before I had come up with my rules, I made the mistake of threatening suicide after Audrey and Molly stole a stuffed animal of mine and burned it in front of me. I'd said something about them being sorry after I was gone. Then Audrey said something about me being a "late Kate" after that and the name just happened. It's been with me ever since.

And just like everything else in my life, I silently hate it.

I don't really have any friends, but I've talked to other people in my classes, the ones who get picked on and beat up too. Usually we just give each other glances in the hallway. I've tried to hang around with them and make friends before, but they say I just attract the worst bullies. Honestly, I think they just don't like me for whatever reason and don't want to hurt my feelings. At least that makes them somewhat considerate.

But during these talks, I've learned that a lot of them only have to deal with the abuse half the day. After school, they get to go home and everything's great. Me? Things are almost worse at home. I just don't get hit there; that's not mother's way.

That "pony freak" crack earlier? Yeah, I get teased for watching My Little Pony because I dared to bring one to school once. It's the new My Little Pony, way better than the old stuff from the eighties and nineties. I was never into it when I was a girl, but now it's my world. The characters are great, the comedy is great, and I love that it stays upbeat and positive when the world is so dark and uncertain. My favorite pony, by the way, is Twilight, because she's a total geek and I can identify with that; I really like Rarity too, though I didn't at first. She seemed too much like the girls who bullied in school, but then I realized that she actually cared about her friends. Plus, she doesn't take any shit from anypony; I want to be like her one day.

But not today. Today, I'm just able to sneak off school grounds before someone sees me and decides to have at me outside where teachers can dole out punishments. I've been beaten up on the way to and from school before. There's nothing to be done about it, really, so I just keep quiet and try to dry my tears before I get where I'm going. And that's why I hate having to walk everywhere.

Unfortunately, my mother refuses to drive me. She says cars are too dangerous and shouldn't be used frivolously, as if protecting your daughter from physical harm is frivolous. She drives five miles under the speed limit anyway.

It's mother that makes my life at home a hell. And where the bullies at school are the ones that hurt my physically, she's been spending my entire life trying to control me with guilt and paranoia. I used to believe everything she said when I was younger, but since I got wise to the fact that she might not have her head on straight, I've been trying to resist as long as possible.

Seriously, she has all kinds of weird beliefs. She's not even religious, just crazy. Like, she dresses really frumpy, making sure to conceal as much of herself as possible. Once, the windows were all nailed shut, until I had to call the fire department and they cited her and even threatened to have her arrested if she didn't undo it. The windows in her room are still held shut like that. Most of all, she thinks TV is some evil corrupting influence, or maybe that it lets the government spy on you; I've never quite figured out the difference. I only convinced her to get me a computer because I needed it for school, and that's how I found My Little Pony.

It's also how I found my real friends: the bronies. They're a bunch of people my age, mostly guys, who love the show. It's weird, I know, but they're all great people. They're always there to make me feel better when I'm feeling down. All kinds of bronies have been through things similar to me, and it's great knowing people who actually care about you, even when they haven't met you. In two years, when I can move out of this house, I'm going to meet as many of them as I can, and hug them.

Until then, though, I lose a lot of sleep, because I have to wait until mother goes to bed before using my laptop for anything but schoolwork. Trust me, she checks in frequently.

As for my dad, he doesn't make things any better. Actually, he doesn't make things any worse, really; he just doesn't do anything at all.

Today, he's sitting in his recliner, the ugly dark green one with corduroy upholstery in the shape of his backside, his fingers wrapped limply around a beer can, staring into space. I can hear the radio on in the kitchen, and the house is dark, like it usually is.

"Your mother's looking for you," he croaks. For a moment, I thought he might be asleep. I ignore him; he won't tell her I'm home unless she asks, and go to my room.

The house is like a million years old, one story, and really cramped because mother keeps lots of stuff that she doesn't need to. There's old magazines and newspapers stacked everywhere, just to name one thing she hoards. There used to be trash all over the place too, but that was another thing the fire department took care of. I still have to step around empty cardboard boxes to make it to my room, though.

As soon as I shut the door, I can hear, "Katelyn? Are you home?" from the other side. I slide against the door and wait, hearing thudding footsteps from the kitchen to my door. She tries the knob. I hate that.

"Katelyn, talk to me."

"What is it?"

"Did you see any strange men on your way home?"

Oh brother, here we go. "No, mother."

"Are you sure? They could have been hiding, you know!"

"If they were hiding, how would I see them?"

"Oh dear, I'll have to bar the door. Stay inside tonight, we'll have to make sure. I'm making eggs for dinner."

She knows I hate eggs. "Yes, mother."

The footsteps clump back to the kitchen. I sigh and get out my laptop. I've got civics homework again, because Mrs. Nedelmeyer is fucking evil.

It's after dinner and I'm waiting for signs that mother has gone to bed. Dad sleeps in his chair, which is where he spends eighty percent of his time anyway. I've got my computer up, with a chat window open but not in the foreground, just in case she comes in.

She does.

Without so much as knocking, she opens the door -- she won't let me get a lock for it, of course, and rifles through my dresser sometimes -- and stomps in.

"Katelyn," she says flatly, "are you still doing homework?"

"Yes, mother."

"Do you know how late it is? You need sleep!"

"This is hard. I'm not in elementary school anymore." She's never seen through the lie, though tonight I'm kind of telling the truth. Mostly, I was just dragging my feet on it all night.

"Well, you should really study more. I don't like you spending so much time with that thing, the radiation could give you cancer!"

"I'll be fine, mother, I promise."

"And another thing!" She scoots closer, and I close the chat without saying goodbye, just to make sure she doesn't see it. "You aren't talking with people on that internet, are you?"

"No, mother. I wouldn't do something so... dangerous, you know that."

"Good. I just heard a story on the news today about how everyone on the internet is a pedophile predator. They're all disgusting middle-aged men looking for a nubile young body to desecrate!"

I'm hardly nubile, mother, get a hold of yourself. "Of course," is what I say instead.

"Just you be warned!" She shakes her finger at me, turns, and shuffles out of the room. I have to get up and close the door behind her, and I shove a chair under the door handle, though that doesn't always work. Then I pick up my laptop, climb into bed, and go back to chat.

I take a few minutes to calm everyone down; they were concerned because I left so abruptly. Once I explain what happened, I get some sympathetic words. And now I'm getting mad, so mad that that woman could ever think that such wonderful, noble people were somehow terrible. She's the terrible one, and she's going to be stuck in this terrible house with her terrible husband and her terrible beliefs for the rest of her terrible life. I just can't wait until I can extract myself from it.

This day has been terrible. I mean, I've been pushed around at school before, and I've had to deal with my mother's shit every single day of my life, but somehow, everything that's happened to me today just comes together and I start to cry. I try to keep it down, so I don't wake her back up.

I mention it in chat, and they give me hugs. Someone, a new chatter that I don't know well, suggests that if we all lived in Equestria, life would be better. We wouldn't have to deal with pain and bullies and crazy parents. Which isn't totally true, Rainbow Dash had to deal with bullies, but I understand what they mean, and the chat quickly turns to discussion of what life would be like in Equestria.

I'm feeling desperate, that must be it. I climb out of bed, quietly, and move over to the one window in my tiny room. I wrench it upward, mindful of the sharp bits where the nails used to be, and look up at the night sky. It's Luna's sky, is what we like to say. I'm not sure if she or any of the other ponies exist; it's just a show, after all. But all the pain in my heart wants them to exist. I want to be there, to go to Equestria, and start a better life.

There's a shooting star.

"Princess, please take me to Equestria!" I shout. Then it's gone.

I feel stupid, yelling something like that out my window where other people, or, God forbid, my mother, could hear it. In fact, the light in my neighbor's house turns on, and I shut the window before they can harass me.

Feeling my face flush, I crawl back into bed, bid my friends goodnight, and shut the laptop off. I set it gently on my desk, pull the covers over myself, and cry until I fall asleep.

Chapter 2

I'm on an airplane. It's cramped and the engines sound funny, like there's a bunch of beads caught in them or something.

There's a Michael Jackson impersonator standing up in the middle of the cabin. He's got a sign that says, "GOD HATES FAGS AND YOU" and is screaming about how we're all going to hell, right now. The air marshal stands up, with his hand on his gun, and starts trying to yell him down. People are shouting at them both to shut up. I pull up my knees and cover my ears, but I can still hear them.

And just as the air marshal is about to shoot Michael, the plane rocks and I see one of the wings fall away. We start spiralling through the air. The captain comes on over the intercom and says, "Everyone, please fasten your seatbelts for the rest of your life."

I have just one more moment. I can see Twilight Sparkle, standing outside the plane. She's mouthing something; I can't hear it, but I know what the words are.

"You'll never save yourself."

I wake up, and something is wrong. I'm in my bed, but it's... warm. Like, extra warm. It's only March, after all, it shouldn't be this warm for at least another two weeks.

Then I peek out from under my covers and I see the wrong.

It's so bright, it hurts my eyes at first. After squeezing them shut and letting the light filter in through my eyelids, I can kind of start to crack them open.

Holy crap, I'm not in Kansas anymore.

I'm not in my room, or my house, or probably even my city. Instead, there are grassy hills rolling away from me. The sky is bright blue, with just a few puffy clouds, that somehow look a little too perfect. The sun is behind me at the moment, but it's reflecting off of gorgeous blue water, rippling lazily off over the horizon. I don't live near water.

Could it be?

I suddenly remember my wish, if you could call it that, from last night. Did I... Am I in Equestria?

I turn around, and the answer quickly becomes obvious.

In front of me is an enormous pink castle. It's got a small moat, and the towers are... fuzzy? Also, there's nothing else around, no city or any other buildings, just some bushes, and further out, a forest. It's actually very blank around here.

As I'm sitting there, trying to figure everything out, the castle drawbridge begins to lower. My gosh, I'm about to meet whoever -- or whatever -- lives here, face to face.

This is a castle. That means royalty lives here, or at least a noble. I'm in my freaking sweatpants that I've been wearing as pajamas for like a week. Oh god, they're gonna think I'm a freak.

That train of thought vanishes as the bridge finally meets the ground with a thump. And out come... ponies?

Immediately, I can tell something is wrong. All three are earth ponies, for one, and all wearing crowns. They're a little bigger than I expected, not to mention a different... art style? That can't be right. It's not like this place is drawn, if I'm here, right?

I take a look at my hands quickly, just to be sure. No, I look pretty much the same. Unfortunately.

But they're definitely no ponies I've ever seen before. One's white, dappled lavender, with deep purple mane; one's mostly pink, with yellow mane and a white-dappled back half; and the third is lavender with bright red mane. They're all smiling, which is good, and the purple one approaches me first.

"Hello there!" Wow, it's a boy pony, that's surprising. "Welcome to the Filly Kingdom! I'm Prince Cedric, and these are my sisters, Princess Jade--" the pink one nods-- "and Princess Pretty!"

The one with the red mane hops, her grin getting wider. "Oh wow, you brought your own bed! How thoughtful of you!"

"Sister, mind your manners," says Princess Jade calmly. "We haven't asked her name yet."

It takes me a second to find my voice. I can't believe this is actually happening, even if these aren't the ponies I know and love. "I-it's Katelyn. But you can call me Kate."

"Oh, how wonderful!" Princess Pretty tosses her mane and giggles. "Kate, you'll be our new friend and you can stay with us in the Castle of Sirona!"

Author's Note

HOW IT WOULD HAVE GONE:

Kate is welcomed into Filly Kingdom and made an honorary Princess. She soon finds out that the horses (no, they're not ponies, and they don't say "everypony") are all idiots and spend all their time throwing lavish, pointless parties and exercising their one personality quirk each. The one exception is Princess Crystal, who is the leader of the whole Kingdom and who seems to be the only intelligent one. She is, unfortunately, rather aloof.

Kate ends up going out and finding that there are other horses living in the kingdom, because there have to be subjects, right? These horses, in stark contrast to their vapid rulers, are bright and creative, but live in abject poverty, oppressed and abused thanks to Princess Crystal's magic. (It comes from the Swarovski Elements in her crown.) Kate decides to take up their cause and lead a revolution.

After they destroy one of the castles, Crystal shows up and quells the rioting. Not wanting to upset the proletariat further but also needing to get rid of Kate, she takes her to Castle Teymon, home of Sir Glory. To step outside the narrative a moment, according to his profile, Sir Glory "has a secret passage to a cave where long-forgotten rituals were celebrated". Crystal uses her magic and one of those rituals to send Kate home. (Given that Filly Kingdom takes place in Britain, I was not sure if that required dimensional travel.) Kate gives up ponies, starts a fight at school, and lets her overbearing mother mold her into a bitter and angry woman.

Ten years later, Celestia shows up and tells Kate that she could have gone to Equestria, but they were kind of full up on bronies, and Filly Kingdom is kind of their backup dump site, justifying Kate's deep-seated inferiority complex. The end.

So yeah, this came out of an abundance of wanting to mock both Brony in Equestria stories and Filly Princess. No, not Filly "Funtasia", the toys came out at least a full year before there was any kind of animation happening. I bought two because it seemed like a good idea at the time (I mean, I enjoy knockoff Transformers, why not knockoff ponies? Turns out, they suck.) But the accompanying information -- they had a website! -- was so idiotic that I couldn't not make fun of them.

Unfortunately, that was at least two years ago. I just found the insert I had saved that said who all the characters were, where they lived, and who they were related to -- because that's, y'know, really important -- and threw it away. The time for this story has passed. I never was all that invested in it to begin with, and I would have had a hell of a time getting it published here, since there really wouldn't have been any MLP ponies in it and fandom commentary is generally not appreciated. But now you can take a gander at what could have been.

A Blackout in Ponyville

A Blackout in Ponyville
by Present Perfect

It wasn't like Blackout enjoyed going to Equestria. The denizens of this particular organic world were fond of emitting high-frequency sounds that grated against his audio ports, and always did so when in his presence. Not to mention, they were extremely easy to smash, as he had found out the first time he came here. Cleaning that had been unpleasant. Plus their buildings seemed to be made of perilously-stacked sheets of paper, so he had to dampen his seismic energy dischargers while walking. And they didn't have helicopters here, or any machines at all, so his alt mode did nothing to hide his identity.

So it was that he, a fifteen-story-tall grey robot covered in cannons, blades and turbines, found himself tromping as quietly as he possibly could down the streets of Ponyville, calling a single name over the screaming of the pony crowds below.

"Pinkie!"

He had a good reason for enduring this ridiculousness. His most recent assault had pitched him against more Omega Sentinels than he had anticipated. And while he could stomp them into slag with his bare servos, fighting them more than one-on-one was a risky business. He had at least been able to disable one before beating an ignominious retreat, his honor smarting, but he had also taken a fairly major hit by the end of the battle. Some of his cannons were considerably less than functional for it.

Luckily, he knew of the one place in the universe where good cannons could be found. It was insidious, really, the most unlikely planet for powerful weapons of destruction to be found. Yet find them he would, if only that blasted pastel organic would show herself.

"Pinkie Pie!"

"Hiya!"

Ah, there she was: tiny, squishable, and insufferably pink. And he, the bot by whose might alone the Decepticon Brute Squad existed, knelt and extended a servo to her with unparalleled delicateness.

"Blacky, it's good to see you!" she squeaked, bumping the end of his digit with her own. Then she cocked her head to the side and said, "You don't look so good."

"I have endured worse," he rumbled. "I require replacement weapons."

"Boy are you in luck then!" Pinkie said, hopping in place. "They just released the Z&R 5002! I got one already and let me tell you, it is tops! I can shoot pies halfway to Canterlot from here!"

"I am pleased to hear that."

Blackout had learned long ago that idle pleasantries pacified the organics of this planet. It was just one of many concessions he had to make, pushing back against his Decepticon programming, and the rewards were always well worth it. Megatron would never have understood.

"I will need three of them."

"If you don't mind paying a teensy-weensy bit extra, I can get ya four at a discount!"

"Hmm. If these cannons are as superb as you suggest, perhaps that would be equable. Will payment be handled the usual way?"

"I'll bill ya." She winked and moved off. "Seeya later, Blacky! Enjoy yourself!"

"Certainly."

With a sigh, he turned back the way he had come. His T-cog activated, condensing his bulk into the streamlined form of his alt mode. His rotors whirred and he lifted off, scanning the ground below him. To the north was a large patch of green sward with a large stylized H painted on it. A sign beside the clearing read "Free helicopter rides!"

He sighed once more. The peace here was a thing unsurpassed. It was unassailable, a far cry from fighting Autobots in the asteroid mines of the outer reaches. And somewhere, deep inside his armor plating and wartime programming, he needed these respites. At least Megatron had never asked where he went off to.

Author's Note

Okay, this is based on more than just TFA. It was, I believe, Pinkie's micro-comic where we see the brand "Z&R" on her party cannon. It turns out this is actually a reference to the Zander Cannon, named for the comic artist of the same name, which Animated Blackout uses.

This is just the most obscure reference possible, isn't it? Anyway, this story came naturally from that confluence of random trivia. It's not much of a story as it stands, but there you go. 12th place finisher in the June 2014 Writeoff, "Long Way Home".

Vinyl Scratch Drops the Title

Vinyl Scratch Drops the Title
by Present Perfect

Vinyl Scratch was bored. Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored. Every three seconds, she was either slapping her eyes across a boring, dusty old book or being upbraided because said boring, dusty old book hadn't been put back in the right place.

This purple pony princess was almost as bad as Octavia.

She had thought this was gonna be a good gig at first. Yeah, she hadn't exactly been contacted by royalty because of her musical skizzalls, but a chance to scope out the newest castle in Equestria? Not an opportunity she was gonna pass up. How was she supposed to know that saying yes meant signing her soul away to library duty with the stuffiest pony since the definition of "stuffy"?

"No, that one should be filed under geomancy, not gems."

Vinyl ground her teeth and moved the offending book from one unlabelled shelf to its unlabelled twin. She'd just about had it.

"Hey, uh, Princess Sparkle?"

The Princess didn't turn to look at her, though Vinyl could hear the smile in her voice. "I told you, Vinyl, just call me Twilight."

"Yeah, Twilight, sure, whatever." Vinyl coughed. "I was just wonderin', uhh... How long do I have to stay here again?" She said the last part all in one breath.

Twilight chuckled condescendingly. "Well, all day, of course. That's why they call it Main/Background Exchange Day, after all."

She raised the checklist that Vinyl had come to hate more than her stepmother and scratched out another of its uncountable checkboxes. They were barely a quarter of the way through and it wasn't even noon yet.

"The exchange days only ever happen once a decade, to prevent insignificant ponies from getting lofty ideas about their importance," she babbled, heedless of Vinyl's complete lack of disinterest. "Spike hadn't been born yet for the last one, and he really wanted to try delivering mail. So, I talked it over with Princess Celestia, and since you and Octavia were also on the list, I arranged a three-way trade. Or was it four-way? I must have written that detail down somewhere..." She riffled through the list, which floated over her like a parchment scarf. "Oh well, no matter." She giggled, straightening the list back out. "I'm sure Spike's having the time of his life right now, making sure the mail gets through! Letting him pretend he's a main character was only the kind thing to do, after all."

Vinyl rolled her eyes. "Lucky stiff."

"Oh, don't be like that. I'm really glad you're here!" Twilight turned at last and smiled at her. "Don't take this the wrong way, but while you lack Spike's intimate knowledge of the Dewhoof Decimal System, you more than make up for it with speed and, you know, not having to run across the room to get the next book. I wish I could have a unicorn assistant on hoof for every Shelving Day!"

Vinyl's hoof sought out her forehead, seemingly of its own accord. "Gee, I almost wasn't insulted by that."

"And may I just add," Twilight said primly, "that I find your sense of humor very refreshing. You've been a constant source of entertainment for me throughout the day. Spike's dry sarcasm can get old after a while. Uh, don't tell him I said that." Grinning sheepishly, she turned back to her checklist. "Hmm, let's see... Well, we're a little behind schedule, so why don't we go over to the Historical Archives? I'm sure you'll find it far more interesting than here in the general section."

"I flunked history," Vinyl groaned.

The Historical Archives, as it turned out, was not full of history books, but books that were themselves historical. Which was to say, old. Which was to say, dustier than dust and possibly hazardous to breathe around. Vinyl was sure she was developing three new allergies simultaneously.

"Now, these books are very old and very fragile, so I'm going to have to ask that you take the utmost care in handling them. That means only lifting one at a time..."

Vinyl zoned out as Twilight yammered away like a songbird at dawn. What was Octy doing at that moment? Probably having the time of her life. She always was the lucky one. Who did she get in exchange for Vinyl again?

Well, Twilight had said something about her dragon delivering mail. Was it the mailpony then? Vinyl thought she remembered somepony mentioning something about a veterinarian. That was definitely not the same thing as a mailpony. Maybe she should have been paying closer attention. Whoever they were, they were no doubt having a better time that she was.

"Vinyl!"

Vinyl jumped, her magic disappearing from around the book she held. With a pained squeak, Twilight dove for the tome before apparently remembering she had magic of her own and finally stopping its fall a hair's breadth above the floor.

"Be careful!" Twilight shouted.

Vinyl was reminded of Octavia once again. Who knew Ponyville royalty shared the Canterlot nobility's capacity for high notes?

"Weren't you paying any attention to my lecture on book safety protocol?"

Vinyl considered blowing her off. Then she totally went for it.

"Nah. I kinda quit school early, teach. Wasn't my thing."

Twilight's nose scrunched up as she glared at Vinyl. She examined the book closely, let out a sigh of relief (and a cloud of dust) when she determined it to be unmarred, and slowly levitated it over to a bookshelf. Which one, Vinyl could not tell and did not care.

"I'm sorry that we aren't doing something you consider 'fun' right now." Twilight spoke each word between clenched teeth. Combined with her fake smile, it made her face somewhat difficult to look at. "I do have a diversion activity scheduled for four o'clock, if we finish the Clover the Clever wing by then, but at the rate we're going, that's unlikely."

Somehow, that really made Vinyl feel sad. The realization that she gave two bucks about their progress made her even sadder. This whole setup was just out-and-out depressing.

"Regardless of whether you want to help me," Twilight continued, "which, I should remind you, was the entire purpose of you signing up for this event, the fact remains that these titles are as valuable as they are brittle, and dropping one, or jarring them at all, could result in the loss of an irreplaceable, centuries-old manuscript." Twilight stalked toward her. "Now, does that make any sense to you? Do you get the importance of what we're doing?" Twilight's nose pushed right up against Vinyl's. "Can you maybe work with me here please a little?"

Something sparked in Vinyl's brain. Sure, she was feeling chastised -- invaluable manu-whatsits and so forth -- but who really cared whether a book was shelved at four-forty-nine-point-one or four-forty-nine-point-one-one?

At that moment, all she could think about was phat beats. Music churned in her blood. The call of the dancefloor was overpowering. She wanted to spin records. She wanted to see Octavia's pert ass swaying to music that she claimed she hated. She wanted that addictive cocktail of sweat, pheromones, laser light and pure adrenaline coursing through every vein in her body. Most of all, she wanted to get as far away as equinely possible from the most boring princess ever to grace Equestria with her stuffy, dusty presence.

Slowly, ever so carefully, Vinyl lifted the next book in the stack. It was a thick one, bound in something hard that had once been covered in blue velvet. The velvet flaked as she lifted it, oh-so gently. Good. This one was beyond hope.

"Oh, I get you, Princess," she said languidly. She lifted the book higher and higher. Twilight Sparkle closed her eyes and smiled.

"Good! Now maybe we can--"

When the book had reached a spot closer to the ceiling than the floor, directly above Twilight, Vinyl cut her magic. The book paused in midair and, with a rustling of pages, plummeted.

It smacked Twilight's cutie mark on the way down, the binding failing as it collided with her. By the time it hit the ground, it was nothing but a pile of crumbling, yellowed pages.

"Are you crazy?" Twilight yelled. She was so very much like Octavia that way.

Vinyl drew herself up straight. She tugged her glasses down so she could see over them. She licked a hoof and ran it through her mane. Then, in a voice tinged with just the slightest hint of the madness the Princess had accused her of, she stated, quite clearly, "I.

"Dropped.

"The title."

Twilight stared at her, open-mouthed.

Vinyl reared back and shouted, "Aw yeah, droppin' books like plates on your ass!"

She bent low and blew an explosive breath out through her lips.

"BRRRRZT!"

"W-wait..."

"WEH WEH WEHWEHWEH WEH WEH--"

"No, stop, what are you--"

"BWRRRNCHT!"

"Oh Celestia, my ears--"

"WONK WONK WURMPWURMPWURMP WEEEEET!"

"Stop making that noise!" Twilight screamed, clamping her ears shut. "I'd order you as a Princess of Equestria, but I don't think you'd care!"

With a laugh, Vinyl stood on her hind legs. Holding out her forehooves, she clicked her tongue against her teeth and kicked her rear hoof like she was knocking out a bicycle kickstand. She hiked herself onto a platform that only she could see, sitting like her old college buddy Heartstrings used to. Then, blowing a lengthy raspberry with her lips, she sailed around the room, leaning forward against immaterial handlebars, propelled by some unknown force.

"How are you doing that?" Twilight cried, crouching on the floor as she tracked Vinyl with her eyes. Various strands of her mane popped out from her head like flowers after a spring thaw. "Stop! Stop destroying the laws of physics, you maniac!"

Vinyl did not stop. She kept right on going, around and around and around.

"Well, it's the best animal stack I've ever seen," Spike said, scratching his chin. He shifted the bag full of letters and packages on his back while staring upward.

Said stack was composed of birds, chipmunks, squirrels, ferrets, chinchillas, rabbits, otters, beavers, muskrats, raccoons, wolverines, and, at the very bottom, one extremely put-upon bear. They had been arranged into a loose pyramid, which swayed slightly in the afternoon breeze, and reached a height right about even with the top of Fluttershy's tree cottage.

"I'm glad you like it, Spike!" Derpy said, smiling proudly as she hovered beside the odd construct. "I had no idea I was so talented with animals. Maybe I should give up mail and start a farm!" She turned and squinted at the animals, sticking her tongue out the side of her mouth. "Oooor modern art..."

"Well, if you did," Spike said, grinning earnestly, "I sure wouldn't mind taking over for you." He shifted the bag again, grunting. "Except I'm not sure I could carry this bag around all day. How do you do it?"

Derpy gave him a look while also looking at an errant cloud. "Years of practice! And a healthy muffin-based diet!"

There was a sound in the distance, like the world's largest water balloon popping, if it had been filled with fire. It was followed by an incoherent scream of purest impotent rage.

"Huh," Spike said, scratching himself, "I wonder what's got Twilight so worked up. It's only twelve-thirty."

"Oh, is that what that was?" Derpy giggled. "For a second, I thought it was something serious."

"Nah. Happens all the time." Spike waved a claw, digging into his bag until he found a trio of envelopes. "Well, here's your mail. Of course," he added, shooting her a smirk and a single claw, "it's not your mail, so don't open it! Federal offense and all that. I'd hate to have to send you to prison, after all."

Derpy paused for a moment before exclaiming, "Oh right! I don't live here. I forgot!" Laughing, she waved to him as he left.

"Well, Spike," he said to himself, shifting the weight again, "it's just gonna get lighter as the day goes by. I wonder how Fluttershy's holding up..."

Fluttershy screamed as the closet door was wrenched open. The grey mare before her regarded her with gleaming, hungry eyes. She wore a black vinyl corset trimmed with lace the color of fresh blood. On her back legs, black fishnet stockings lead down into boots with two-inch stiletto spiked heels. She carried a riding crop in one hoof. Her entire countenance could have been called "animalistic", save that no animal had ever looked at Fluttershy like this.

"Theeeere you are," the mare purred, her Canterlot accent lending the words an extra layer of sinisterness. "I must say, I rather enjoyed this game, my darling, but playtime is now over."

"P-please," Fluttershy gasped, "I didn't sign up for this."

"Oh, but you did, my dear," the mare said, running her tongue lazily along the length of the crop. "I never let Vinyl pass up a chance to bottom for once in her miserable existence, and I will not be denied my weekly fun simply because she is not here!"

"B-but maybe you'd..." Fluttershy swallowed. "Enjoy it more with somepony a little more... experienced?" The word came out in a squeak.

"Oh no," the mare said, placing the riding crop under Fluttershy's chin and lifting it ever so slightly. "I believe I shall have more fun with you than I have in years." Her sweet smile vanished, replaced by cold solemnity. "Now get on the floor and lick my hooves clean, slave."

"Y-yes, mistress." Fluttershy closed her eyes and tried to think of bunnies. "Help."

Author's Note

After panicking halfway through the Title Drop writeoff, I decided to write something just so I could say I participated. This was my first idea after seeing the winning prompt, and it's meant to be completely stupid. The jokes are meta and maybe don't make any sense outside the confines of that writeoff, but whatever. :V If you're here for the random comedy, you probably don't care. Random BDSM at the end because I was out of ideas. It finished 19th out of 21 entries. :(

Love Means Never Having to Say You're Hungry

Love Means Never Having to Say You're Hungry
by Present Perfect

I had a career. I had dreams. I was gonna be somepony.

Then I met her.

I'm gonna try and keep this short.

From day one, Pinkie Pie totally blew my mind. Yeah, I maybe got a little annoyed by how cheerful she was all the time, but she could keep up with me when nopony else could. Plus she had a fantastic ass. Call me a groundpounder, but earth ponies got curves in all the right places. Anyway, her personality grew on me, and eventually we got to be great friends, then Twilight Sparkle and the Elements, and pranking, yadda, yadda.

Once I realized I liked her as more than a friend, I actually got tongue-tied. Me, the Rainbow Dash, afraid to tell somepony something! But yeah, that's the kind of mare Pinkie is. Of course, once I stopped being lame and actually told her, she was totally down with being my awesome marefriend, because that's also the kind of mare she is.

And that's where the trouble started.

See, one other thing about earth ponies, especially farmers, is they care way more about family ties than pegasi do. Don't ask me about unicorns, I don't know anything about them. But I've met Pinkie's family. They're not exactly the funnest bunch to be around, but I guess they're nice enough. Rock farming's not that exciting, y'know? But the one thing I figured out was that her mom needed to say "I love you", she said it with food.

Sweet Celestia, there was so much food that first time on the farm. And it was so good, and I couldn't stop eating and I kinda regretted it afterward. It was her parents' way of saying they accepted me as a future daughter-in-law. But I should've put the pieces together long before Pinkie and me got married.

Pinkie's just like her mom. I was used to snacking on stuff around Sugarcube Corner while we were dating. It was nothing like what was in store for me during the married life.

It started out slow. I'd get back from a long day of cloud bucking to find a hot meal on the table, because she's an awesome wife, right? On weekends and holidays, the ones we didn't spend with her parents, anyway, she'd make a huge feast. The holidays we did spend with them, well, I wasn't flying home from those.

And then things got worse. Maybe I wasn't super-communicative or whatever Twilight says, but Pinkie just started feeding me stuff constantly. "Oh, Dashie, I baked you some cookies! You want one or three, right?" "Welcome home, Dashie! I baked you a cake! Now eat it all up! Yup, every last slice is goin' into your pretty mouth!"

I started having trouble at work. I couldn't practice stunt flying. Flying for any length of time left me short of breath.

I tried protesting, but any time I did, it was, "Dashie, don't you like my baking?" And what she was really saying was, "Don't you love me?" So help me Celestia, I did, but rejecting her food was like rejecting her. I couldn't convince her otherwise. Maybe I love her too much.

I tried going to my friends for help, but I couldn't convince them there was a problem. Twilight lectured me about being loyal to my spouse. Applejack said I looked well-fed. Rarity complimented me on my curves. I shouldn't even have curves! And Fluttershy just thinks we're super-cute together and can't see past that.

Oh Celestia, she's coming back. I can smell biscuits and butter, and so help me, I need them. She's turned me into an eating machine. I have trouble getting around. If I go to another holiday feast, I'm afraid I'll have a coronary.

Whoever finds this letter, help me. My name is Rainbow Dash. I'm too fat to fly. Don't let Pinkie find out, but do whatever you can. Stop this crazy mare before she kills me.

Author's Note

This story was based entirely on the image at the end there, and the title I came up with for it. Of course, it's apparently mistitled, given everyone in the writeoff went, "Why wasn't it about changelings?"

D:

Anyway, thanks to the writeoff peeps, especially horizon, for feedback on this one. Don't have much else to say about this one ~~except I hope no one clopped to this, you know who you are~~! Placed 25th out of 93 entries in the January 2015 writeoff, "All In".

Lines

Lines
by Present Perfect

It was lines that defined the modern world. Painted lines separated one arbitrary lane of asphalt concourse from the other. The sharp lines of skyscrapers, Manehattan's great forest of concrete, glass and steel, provided earth pony and unicorn alike a taste of pegasus life. Most of all, no matter where one went in a modern city, one would inevitably find oneself standing in line.

But Loosestrife's usual morning line for coffee was absent on this day. Somepony meant to repair or maintain the lines of the skyscraper rising above Java Joe's had dropped a long metal platform onto the humble coffee shop's awning. Debris was strewn up and down the sidewalk, the area cordoned off and declared unsafe for ponies lacking hardened hats. Lines creased Loosestrife's face as she stared into the carnage.

Nopony a thousand years ago had heard of coffee. The earth ponies' homeland was too far north to trade with the zebras and donkeys of more tropic climes. But of all the frivolities of this noisy, fast-paced, high-energy, ridiculous modern world, it was coffee Loosestrife had found most agreeable. It made the morning sun shine brighter. It gave her the drive to see the day through when the line-defined modern world spun too fast for her. It warmed and soothed her in the night.

But it seemed her enjoyment of coffee went beyond simple desire. The more she stared at the coffee shop, the more she realized she did not want coffee. She needed it. Now.

Glowering at Java Joe's, however, was not speeding the removal of the wreckage. Also, her back right was twitching in a most bothersome manner, not something that happened previously. The scent of freshly brewed, likely soon to be wasted coffee floated from the store, enticing her like a siren's song.

Perhaps such comparison is apt. Methinks I have been bewitched by this brew. This morning groweth more irritating than any hath right to be.

Faced with the impassable yellow line separating her from her needs and lacking alternatives, she staggered off down the sidewalk.

There were no easy methods to become un-lost in a city. Street signs helpfully showed where one was, but were meaningless when one had no idea where one wished to go. Her self-recriminations for not taking time to to learn the city's routes were broken by a perky greeting.

"Good morning, madam! Can I interest you in a technological revolution?"

If there was one thing Loosestrife did not miss alongside her morning coffee, it was the chance to stand in line with the Tartarus known as other ponies. Bad enough that pegasus and unicorn alike frequented an upstanding earth pony establishment like Java Joe's. Mustn't deny harmony, the dulcet voice of Princess Celestia remonstrated her, unbidden. That she must be expected to interact with the odd pony who actually enjoyed waiting in a line was beyond the pale. Such cheer was inexcusable at this hour. Her back right nagged at her.

Cheerful ponies standing in front of boutiques might know where to find coffee.

"Nay." She turned to see a grey horn emerging from pink-striped curls—Stars above, why do single colors not satisfy ponies of this age?—and tilted her head down. "I require only that thou directest me to the nearest establishment whereat I may purchase freshly brewed coffee."

The unicorn blinked at her for less time than ponies tended to when first meeting her. "Well, Java Joe's is just a block thattaway, miss." The unicorn pointed back the way Loosestrife had come.

She frowned. "Had I not travelled from that direction, knave, I'd not have asked thee."

The unicorn's mouth worked soundlessly for a moment, before she said, "Weeeeell, we usually have a pot brewing in the early morning. But I can't offer any unless you're interested in a technological revolutioooon!"

The singsong lilt in the unicorn's voice set Loosestrife's eye twitching in time with her leg. Typical of unicorns to be so cunning. "Then for the moment, I am."

"Great! Just follow me inside, miss..."

"Loosestrife."

"Nice to meet you, Loosestrife! I'm Caps Lock. Gosh, I love your dress. SCA fan?"

Neither offering nor asking for explanations was the best way to weather these conversations. "Aye."

"Cool!" Caps Lock hop-skipped and chuckled. "I figured, with how you talk. Totally nailing the Princess Luna, by the way. Anyhow, welcome to Personal Pony Computing!"

There were not many Manehattan boutiques Loosestrife deigned to visit, thus she had no way of knowing whether the extreme brightness of the interior was normal. The walls were flat white, the counters of polished, light wood. Everything was too neat, too straight-lined, too bright. She was squinting by the time they stopped before a high counter set to one side. Caps Lock lit her horn, placing a small paper cup beneath a tiny coffee maker. A few moments later, Loosestrife held a steaming cup whose scent made her heart soar.

"There's your coffee! Trust me, I know the feeling." She winked. "Now you just stand there and enjoy your morning caffeine kick, while I tell you all about the amazing features of the all-new PPC!"

The coffee was terrible. Nevertheless, drinking it made weathering the unicorn's animated prattle a not insurmountable task. Loosestrife did try to pay attention—it was only fair—but Caps Lock lost her both through fast talking and the innumerable list of erudite features. Also, she wondered what 'caffeine' was and what it had to do with kicking.

Still, it seemed any coffee, regardless of the taste, was adequate for making her feel like a real mare again.

"Hold," she said, draining the cup and setting it on the counter. "I'll wager thy contraption seemeth impressive, but pray tell, what doth it do?"

"Why, anything at all, really!" Caps Lock said, not missing a beat. "I'll admit, it's about as far from creative anachronisms as a pony can get, but you could always keep track of—" The unicorn glanced at something over Loosestrife's shoulder. "—your sword swings per minute! While you, ah, train, I'm sure!"

Though obviously out of her depth, Caps Lock recovered with aplomb. "Of course, its primary applications are geared towards business, finance, stock trading... You'll never miss a weather report! What do you do, if you don't mind me asking?"

"Do?"

"As a career, your job. When you're not..." The unicorn waved a hoof at her.

"'Tis of no import." Loosestrife cleared her throat. "Thy coffee, though tasting of hoof pickings after a day's march, hath invigorated me. The mare of words passeth into dotage, leaving daughter action to carry her sword." She straightened herself, watching down the end of her nose as the unicorn took a tiny step backward.

If there was any sign the unicorns had been victorious over their cousin tribes sometime in the past, it was the cold, hard bit. Dead and buried was the time of creating for the good of the tribe; colder still, the days of uneasy intertribal barter. Loosestrife had made a point to familiarize herself with the modern monetary economy and to provide her own way once she had, though the inherent worth of the bit sometimes eluded her. But she had been offered a royal stipend before settling in Manehattan and knew how much she had to pay monthly for rent, and those sufficed as bellwethers.

"Tell me, merchant, what price dost thou ask for this contraption?"

Caps Lock smiled. "Well, right now, we're having a startup special. Two-ninety-nine gets you the basic model, a year of warranty, 24 hour support through our customer service hotline, and a pack of our magifiber cleaning cloths!"

"Wait." Loosestrife's eyes flicked left and right as she sorted through the dross, cutting to the heart of the unicorn's statement. "Two hundred ninety-nine? Bits?"

"Aye." Caps Lock did a double-take. "Uh, I mean yes."

Lest I face harmony's wrath in mortal form, I shall not address thee as 'conniving needlehead'. Loosestrife turned on her heel and strode for the door, fast as her shaking legs could take her.

"Wait!" The unicorn's hooves pounded the floor behind her. "If I said something to upset you, ma'am, I apologize! Don't go!"

"Thou didst take me for but an earth pony simpleton the moment thou clapped'st eyes upon me!"

Caps Lock held the PPC in her magic as she tried to catch up. "I-I-I promise, I didn't mean any—"

"Trust unicorns to act without honor. Would that I had slain enough of thy ancestors on the field of battle to forestall this outrage!" Loosestrife reached the door, surging out into the bustle of the day, the unicorn hot on her heels.

"You're angry and confused, I understand." Caps Lock was obviously battling to keep her tone level. "I could throw in a durable carry case, no charge! An extra six months on the warranty? I'll personally clean your—"

Loosestrife's ear twitched at a sound from above. Acting without thought, she snatched the PPC from Caps Lock's magic. In the same fluid motion, she pressed the unicorn's head down with her other hoof and swung the computer in an arc over their heads. Its screen smacked into a tin pail, tipping it and spilling water across the sidewalk before them. With the clatter of metal against pavement, the modern world resumed its usual pace.

"Aah!" Caps Lock shouted into the concrete.

"Sweet Celestia, Rail!" shouted a voice above them. "You nearly killed somepony!"

A pegasus in a grey uniform appeared before them, apology in his smile and words spilling from his mouth like water over a fall.

"Sorry, ladies. New guy, y'know how it is." He scooped up the pail and rocketed back into the air, shouting, "Luna's fetlocks, Rail, that's twice already this morning, and if you can't..."

His voice trailed off, leaving only the wet sidewalk as evidence of any happenstance. Passersby gave them a wide berth, not a few eyes turning skyward.

Letting out a breath, Loosestrife turned to the unicorn beside her. Though cowering and shaking, she appeared otherwise unharmed.

"I apologize," Loosestrife said, her voice low, "if I have caused thee injury."

"N-n-no," Caps Lock said, unable to stand for her quivering knees. "I th-think you s-saved my l-l-life!"

"Aye, well." Loosestrife cleared her throat. "I shall apologize instead for my words earlier. They were spoken in a fit of pique and undeserved by thee."

"D-d-don't mention it."

Loosestrife remembered the computer, still clutched in her hoof. "I shall not, nor speak further of this morn, if thou wish'st it so." Turning it over, she noted the soft brush lines of the metal casing, which likewise appeared unscathed by the event. Her eyes lit up.

"By my grandsire's beard! Fair Cap o' the Loch, thou didst not mention this device was durable!" She held it up, knocking it with her hoof. "After so strong a blow, it yet hath nary a scratch upon the pretty side! With proper strapping, 'twould serve as a fine buckler! Hmm, or perhaps I could use it to prop open the door to my balcony..."

"Y-you can have it," Caps Lock said, a wan smile on her face. "Take it, n-no charge. I don't think I'll be..." She swallowed, her face taking a slight green hue. "Be s-selling that one. Excuse me!" She disappeared back into the boutique, slamming the door behind her.

Loosestrife peered in the window after her, but it was rather too reflective for her to see anything. She frowned at her reflection, turned, and placed her new doorstop in her saddlebag. It was quite the bargain, obtaining a thing so valuable at no charge; her good fortune, indeed. The pattern of lines across the black, shiny side would make it a suitable decoration for her home.

Author's Note

I always wanted to have a character named Loosestrife, and when Obs started up the Slamjam, I thought it would be a great time to use her.

Of course, I also took forever to decide I actually wanted to submit, so by the time I had, I'd spilled the character idea in Skype chat, and I'm pretty sure that's how we ended up with Falcata. :B But I thought it was a good idea. Maybe I'll write up her backstory sometime. Or maybe not.

I lost, I think, because people value "following the contest rules" over "writing a good story". No, I'm being bitter, it was a close contest and I didn't lose by much, and the same criticisms were thrown at both stories. Plus, Caps Lock's story was one of the better ones in the contest!

Caps Lock belongs to MerlosTheMad.

The Shortest Breakup Fic Ever

"I'm, like, really feeling the love radiating from your aura right now."

"...I like rocks."

Author's Note

I dunno.

Be sure to check out the reading!

Star Bright (Original Version)

Star Bright
by Present Perfect

"Help! Help m--"

The pull-vines must have gotten to her, poor thing. I can see her struggling to keep her head above the swamp surface, even through the pre-dawn gloom of my shack. She's a unicorn, and sounds young. Heavier things weigh on my mind for the moment, however. My gaze returns within.

"Four feathers on the floor, my pet," I mutter, counting them again. "It is almost time. Now hide yourself, I must go to this pony."

The night gives my bones such a chill, and damp of the bog but makes it worse. My cloak is old, so rough and worn, but suffices to keep the worst out. Old nags like me wind up in the oddest places when ponies forget they love us.

I walk upon the waters with an old-remembered spell; it drains me, but time is off the essence. Plus, dramatics are everything at this stage.

I draw my dagger from my cloak and raise it in my magic -- look at her eyes, the poor dear, she fears I might kill her! -- and slash at the vines. One, two, three! and they disappear beneath the waters, to join the morass.

"They like the taste of magic," I say as easily as hello. "That's why they attack pretty young unicorns lost in the swamp."

She shakes herself and gazes up at me. "I-I'm not lost!"

Oh, a fighter! Making up for lack of cleverness with determination. I appreciate that.

"Then, my dear, feel free to lead us back to my hut. That is, if you had no other destination in mind."

"How..."

Speechless. This is why I play with dramatics.

"How did I know you came to see me?" Because few ponies venture into the Everfree and fewer still, to the bog. Because Ghastly Gorge is to the south, and she was headed east, so I can only conclude I was her destination.

I wink. "I'm a wise old mare, and we know these things."

Yes, it will be a simple matter to awe this one. She's trundling through the water rather than using my magic walkway. I admire determination, but there are limits.

"Are you certain you don't wish to ride upon my back? My legs are the longer."

"I'm okay. It's not like I'm gonna get any wetter than I already am."

Ah, universal irony: at that instant, she plunges into the swamp up to her horn. I shouldn't help, it might bruise her ego, but I lift her atop my back regardless and make for home. It wouldn't do for my guests to catch cold before reaching it, after all. Up close, her coat is pale lavender, the color of the word 'velvet', and though her mane is lanky from the swamp water, the thick purple and yellow stripes are quite fetching. Though I suspect she puts little stock in her appearance.

"Here we are. Down you go, my dear. I'll make you some tea," I add as she shivers.

"Th-thank you."

She sits, and I catch my breath. Though I'd like to think I can still carry a full-grown stallion, much less a wisp of a unicorn mare, that spell did take something from me. I need but a moment to gather myself, and then I can set about making tea inside my shack. I've lived here long enough, I hardly need to see to prepare it.

My attention is drawn once again to the floor. Five feathers, dull red in the not-light. The time is nearly here.

"W-what time?"

"Oh goodness, did I say that aloud?" I chuckle and try not to notice how off-kilter it sounds. "I've been too long without the company of other ponies, I'm afraid. Forgive an old mare her foibles."

"It's all right." She keeps her eyes on the bent wood of my porch, but her smile is so gentle and calm, like there's some internal joke that gives her strength and happiness. "What should I call you?"

I wave my hoof. "I think they're calling me the 'Bog Witch' these days. It doesn't matter. I've had more names than I can count. The real question, my dear, is what I should call you."

She swallows; she wasn't looking forward to this question. How intriguing.

"My name's Starlight. I'm hoping you can help me." She shifts in her chair; I can't blame her, it's both rough and rotting, hardly comfortable despite being the best the swamp has to offer.

The kettle whistles, and I bring the whole service out to us. "I apologize for the lack of sandwiches. You've caught me in sparse times, I'm afraid."

She takes her cup and begins drinking without waiting for the offer of sugar. The heat of the water doesn't bother her, it seems. A mare after my own tastes.

"Now, tell me what sort of help you seek, Starlight, who likes her tea hot and straight."

She blushes, and that light smile returns. "I was hoping you could give me some... direction, I guess? I'm trying to find my way in life, and, well, it's really, really hard."

"Life can be hard indeed." I sip my tea, but keep my eyes on her. "What makes your life hard?"

"My mother." Her eyes squeeze shut. "Ever since I was a foal, I've been in her shadow. If anyone noticed me, it's because I'm her daughter. Nopony cares about Starlight." A sigh heaves through her. "And it's not just her, either! My dad was a big-shot in the Royal Guard, until he..." She pauses just a little too long.

"I'm sorry for your loss," I say, and she shakes her head. Not a new wound, then.

"It's okay. He was always in her shadow, too. I'm not sure if it bothered him. We never talked about it." She rubs her shoulder. "Then there's my aunts. They've always told me stories about adventures and stuff, all the amazing things they did when they were my age. My uncle, too, but he's asleep now."

The way she phrases that sentence sparks something in my memory. "Just who is this mother of yours, who casts so long and deep a shadow over her family?"

The muscles in her jaw tense, and her head dips toward the floor. "Princess Twilight Sparkle."

"The pieces fall into place." I set my teacup down, lest it drop from my magic. "That is a name I have not heard spoken in quite some time, young Starlight Sparkle."

"Please, just Starlight."

"My poor dear." I reach over and lift her head. "How like Equestria's Princess to name a pony after herself, yet never consider what grief such a similarity might cause. I am sorry to hear about Spike. You will likely not speak with him again in your lifetime."

"I know." She avoids my gaze for a moment. "He's actually the one who got it in my head that I should come here to see you. Do you..." Her eyes scan over my face. "Do you know my mother?"

"I did, once." I release her chin and lean back in my chair. "A long time ago, I might have even called her a friend."

Starlight gives me a sidelong glance. "She didn't banish you here, did she?"

"It is a long story," I say, waving my hoof. "Whether her fault, or mine, or both, or neither, is inconsequential. I have forgiven us." I take another sip of tea. "But you did not come here to listen to an old woman natter on about her past. Tell me, how do you expect somepony like me to help you with this problem?"

"I-I was hoping you'd know..." She taps her hooves together and takes the moment I give her. "No, actually I was hoping -- well, this is gonna sound stupid -- I was hoping you could give me a quest."

"A quest?"

"You know, like my mom and aunts used to go on." Much to my surprise, she perks, waving her hooves to describe scenes from her imagination. "Fighting dragons, getting lost in hedge mazes, saving entire towns from evil ponies, that kind of thing! I need to go out and have an adventure of my own, one that'll show everyone just what kind of pony I am!"

For a moment, she is enraptured. I check inside the door once again; still only five feathers.

"Come with me," I say, and rise. I wade two paces into the swamp, until I can reach a cypress knee emerging from the water. Placing my hoof upon it, I mutter an incantation that sounds much better spoken by the zebra shaman who taught me it. The knee glows green, light spreading like fire across dry leaves down every tree root connected to that one, until the whole swamp is alight with a web of green.

"Follow me," I say, not bothering to confirm if she is, "and stay to the lighted areas. It will make the trip smoother."

We walk in silence, save for the calls of early morning creatures as they wake from slumber. Good filly, she knows better than to ask where a wise mare is going in her own domain. Not that this domain was ever truly mine, but I have long since stopped recalling those far-flung days in favor of the moment. It takes a good fifteen minutes before we find what I am looking for.

"Watch your step," I say, as we move onto a small hillock poking out of the bog. "The ground here is solid, but wet, and can shift underhoof if you aren't careful."

I gaze up into the canopy, stretching into darkness above us. The sky is not something I see much of, and the glow of my spell does not reach far above our knees.

"Tell me what you see, Starlight."

She starts, but takes time to look around before answering. She's inherited the most important part of her mother's smarts, then.

"Well, I'm going to assume you brought us out here to see the tree. So..." Her tongue sticks out the side of her mouth. "Uh, well, it's a big tree. I dunno what kind. Bet mom would know," she adds under her breath.

"It is a cypress. Do you see anything else?"

"Swamp?" She shrugs. "I'll bet you're a lot more observant than me."

"Look down, my dear."

She lifts a hoof, examining at the spot it was in. "Huh. There's little shoots and stuff growing in the dirt."

I nod. "Those are the cypress's offspring. This tree has stood here for centuries, and is one of the largest in the swamp. Now, what can you tell me about the relationship between the two?"

Starlight again takes time to answer, studying the ground, the tree, and finally looking up. Her eyes shift toward me.

"You're gonna tell me it's something like me and my mom, right? Because they're..." She grins. They're living under the big tree's shadow."

"Very good." I return her smile. "Now look around you. Do you see many trees growing beneath this one?"

"No." She squints into the distance. "Not many big ones, anyway. It's like they're all giving it space. There's just these little guys down here."

"Right again. And these 'little guys', as you put it, may not survive very long, with their parent blocking out precious sunlight during most of the day."

She frowns, and I continue.

"The shadow you live beneath is perhaps the longest in Equestria. But think about this: once upon a time, hundreds and hundreds of years ago, that tree before us lived under its parent, and now that parent tree is gone, forgotten. You can't even tell where it might have stood."

There is a pause, and she turns to me, face broad with seriousness.

"Are you telling me I need to kill my mother?"

The laughter I am holding back doubtless shows on my face. "I hope that isn't the lesson you'll take away from this. No, dear Starlight, my point is that this tree was once a 'little guy', but through strength, perseverance, and a little luck, it became the one casting the shadow. To live a life like yours will require struggle; you will only achieve what you desire if you are willing to put in the work."

"I am willing, though!" She hops, the soft earth squishing when she lands. "I can do so many things! I just need to find somepony who believes in me and can help make my dreams real!"

I feel a smile tug at the corner of my lips. "I find it odd, then, that you seek to distinguish yourself by doing precisely what your mother did."

I give her a few moments to compose herself.

"The look on your face tells me you haven't quite thought your plan through." I do my best not to smile; she's likely embarrassed enough as is. "Consider this as well: did your mother's achievements come through her hard work alone?"

"Well, no, she had my aunts," she replies automatically.

"Yet here you are, in the middle of the Everfree Forest, all by yourself."

Her head sinks toward the quagmire, poor dear. "I don't really have any friends," she mumbles. "Everypony either just wants to get close to my mom, or gets intimidated when they find out I'm related to her."

I move to stand beside her and lift her chin once more. "If it is a quest you desire, Starlight, then here it is: make some friends. You are already out in the world. It would be a small thing for you to continue on to Dodge Junction or hop a train to Las Pegasus, somewhere farther away from your mother's shadow, where you can be yourself without anypony the wiser."

Tears cloud her eyes, and her lower lip trembles. "But w-w... what if nopony likes me?"

"Somepony will. I guarantee it. You just may have to work hard to find that pony." I use one of those radiant smiles I once was so fond of. "Are you willing to put in the work, Starlight?"

She sniffs, wipes her eyes, and stands a little straighter. "I am. I'll do it. I'll go out and find some friends, and then maybe we'll have some adventures, or maybe we won't, who knows? But if they're really friends, then... then they'll like me for being me, right?" Her smile couldn't be wider.

"Now you're getting the idea."

"Thank you!" She clasps me tightly, and something in my heart aches.

Wrapping a leg around her, I am reminded of a filly who once looked up to me the way, I thought, that a daughter looks at her mother. In that case, it was the daughter who outshone the mother, though she was never any mother at all. And then the mother who was no mother was cast aside, forgotten.

I hold her tighter. I feel light and I need to compose myself, lest I appear less like a wise old mare than simply an old fool.

"Are you okay?" Starlight whispers.

"I'm sorry. You just reminded me of somepony I was close to, long ago."

We separate, and she looks up at me, smiling. "I won't forget you. I promise, when I've found some friends, I'll come back here and tell you all the stories of our adventures together. Even if they don't involve saving the world." She giggles, and I relax.

"I would not wish such a burden to fall on you. But if it does, know that I have every faith in you. After all, you made it to my swamp all by yourself."

She hugs me again and splashes into the swamp. "Really, though, I won't forget you."

Some of that lightness dissipates. "Consider going to your mother for help, should you need it. She was known as the Princess of Friendship once upon a time, after all. She might be able to give you some pointers."

Starlight frowns, but it is ephemeral. "I guess I could, but I'd rather do this on my own."

"Perhaps that is for the best." I nod. "If you do go to her, it might be best if you didn't mention the mare in the swamp. I'm not sure she's forgiven me as I have her."

She nods, dashing toward the big cypress and the path beyond. Stopping, she turns and shouts "And thank you for the tea!" before dashing off once more.

My smile remains until she is out of sight. Like drawing the air from a lantern, it is extinguished with her absence. The walk back to my home is quiet.

There are six feathers on the floor when I return. It is time.

"Come along, Philomena," I say, extending my hoof for my pet to perch on.

I will take her to a flat rock not far from our home, where she can burn freely without setting our house aflame and without her ashes being lost to the waters of the swamp. It was a lonely year in which we learned that lesson.

As my pet burns herself alive, to be rekindled once more, I will remove my cloak, though the damp will aggravate the ache in my bones. I will spread my wings, though they creak and strain with the years. And, as there are appearances that must be kept up, I will raise the sun.

Author's Note

This version of the story comes straight from the writeoff. I have plans to rewrite it given some excellent feedback I received, at which point it will be a completely new story, so I wanted to preserve the actual place-winner for posterity. Hope you enjoyed! 4th place finalist in the June 2015 Writeoff, "A Matter of Perspective".

The Totally, For-Real Shortest Breakup Fic Ever (So Long as You Don't Look at the Character Count)

RarityhelpIdontknowwhattodoitstotallynotmyfaultwellitkindofisokayanywayTreeHuggersaidshewantedaDANKcakebutIheardTANKcakeandIdidntwanttodoitIswearbutIveneverturneddownanorderorfailedacustomersoIhadtodomybestandhesstillaliveandhonestlyitsamistakeanyponycouldhavemadebutDashiewontforgivemeandshebrokeupwithmeheeeelp!

Author's Note

Be sure to check out the reading!

Kiss of the Sea Queen (Unfinished)

Kiss of the Sea Queen
by Present Perfect

Chapter 1: The Magic Lesson

"...So while this starfish is simply the most striking shade of lavender, it's these sea anemones that really stand out to me." Rarity's pencil made a soft scratching noise as it moved across her sketchpad. "Their lacy tentacles just ooze texture. It's precisely the sort of thing that will give my couture that extra... hmm, panache."

Twilight looked up from her copy of Rare Remedies and Baffling Brews and gave the other unicorn a look. "Rarity, y'mind? I am kind of trying to read here."

Rarity laughed gently, her sketching continuing unabated. "Twilight, dear, only you would think of bringing a stack of books to the beach. It's so sunny! You should be out in the sand, or the surf, or whatever it is one does at a beach." She leaned over and kissed Twilight on the cheek, turning the purple unicorn's face just the slightest shade of pink.

"The sun hurts my eyes," Twilight mumbled. Luckily, Rarity had packed a large umbrella for the trip. They were both sitting beneath it, flank to flank on a large beach towel, in front of a small tidal pool. It was Rarity's current source of fashion inspirations.

Rainbow Dash, Twilight noticed with some amusement, had been sunning herself a few feet away from them, but had since fallen asleep with her reflector board covering her face. At least she didn't have to worry about getting sunburned. Applejack was playing with Pinkie Pie, tossing a ball back and forth across a large stretch of sand, while Fluttershy...

Twilight felt a momentary pang of worry. "Where's Fluttershy?"

"Umm, Twilight..."

Before she even had a chance to look around, Fluttershy's quiet voice scared the oats out of her. She leaped to all fours and spun around, heart pounding. Fluttershy did not seem to notice her distress.

"Uh, I was wondering, that is, if you aren't busy..."

"What's up, Fluttershy?" Twilight grinned at her friend, doing her best to breathe.

"Well, you see... There are a lot of adorable fishies around the reef today, and I thought... Well, I'm not a very strong swimmer, and my snorkel doesn't work too far from shore, so I thought... Well, if you knew a spell for walking on clouds, maybe..."

Twilight gave Rarity another look. "Maybe I know a spell for breathing underwater?"

Fluttershy's face lit up. "Oh, yes. If it isn't too much trouble, I mean."

"No trouble at all, Fluttershy. Let me see if I can find the book..." The stack of books she'd spread out on the towel quickly shuffled themselves. "Ahh, here it is. Tabernacle's Terrific Transmogrifications. The cloud-walking spell is in here, so the water-breathing spell should be... Ah-hah! 'Bathysphere's Bountiful Bubble Breather'. Rarity, do you want to give it a try?"

Rarity's pencil and pad dropped to the sand. "Me? Are you sure?"

"Sure I'm sure! You're still trying to hone your magic, and this spell doesn't look too complicated. I think it would be a perfect opportunity for you to practice in an unusual location. A studious magic learner is always prepared, and learning how to block out strange sights or sounds is important." She nuzzled Rarity gently, and lifted her sketching materials out of the sand, stacking them neatly against the rocks. "Plus, I know you can do it."

Rarity smiled. "All right, then, I'll try. Fluttershy, please stand over there, and Twilight, dear, if you would hold the book for me? Thank you. All right, hmm, hmm..."

She studied the spell for a few moments, then nodded. "Are you ready, Fluttershy? Good, now close your eyes..."

"Remember what we've studied," Twilight said softly. "Isolate your senses, focus your will, let the spell take shape."

Rarity was already sliding into a trance and missed Twilight's instructions. She drew upon the powers the spell indicated, her horn flaring gently, and letting off a few sparks as she misstepped. With a gentle effort of will, she refocused and felt the spell build.

"Gang way, everypony!"

A thud in the sand next to her caused Rarity to open her eyes. Drawn as they were to the ball that had landed just inches away, she completely missed the pony following behind it until Applejack crashed headlong into her. Rarity felt the magic leave her horn, but rather than dissipate, the spell twisted, escaping the bonds of her willpower and drawing off her own magic. She'd never before felt such power in herself; it lasted but a moment, flaring outward from her horn and dazzling her.

She shook her head to clear the light ringing in her ears, and as both sight and hearing returned to her, her heart sank.

Surrounding her were her four friends, changed. Gone were wings and horn. Their rear legs and tails had fused together into large flukes, like the back half of a dolphin. Worse, they were all gasping for breath, digging at the sand as they tried desperately to do something to help themselves.

"Oh my goodness, Twilight, Applejack... I'm so sorry!" Rarity felt panic seize control of her, fought to push it down, trying desperately to think of something, anything, that could remedy this situation.

Fluttershy was trying to drag herself toward the water, and having no luck whatsoever. She pointed frantically with a hoof.

Rarity understood. "Pinkie Pie! Help Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash!" Taking care of her horn, she began shoving Twilight in the same direction. Applejack seemed to get the hint and began to drag herself forward. Pinkie rushed to Rainbow Dash's aid, and with a burst of energy pulled her over to Fluttershy.

"Hang on, Rainbow Dash, it's not too far! Soon you'll be all safe and... something..." She grabbed Fluttershy's hoof and began to pull her towards the shoreline, Rainbow Dash clinging to her for dear life.

Little by little, punctuated by the sound of frantic gasping, they pushed and pulled and dragged the four ponies until they were able to dip their heads into the ocean. They paused to catch their breaths, liquid as they might now be, and the salty water rejuvenated them.

Twilight brought her head up, feeling the water run out through slits in the side of her neck. She looked to Rarity, who was nervously shifting back and forth, her eyes filled with tears. She tried to speak, but it came out as a hoarse croak, and she began gasping for breath again. Having gotten the hint, she and the other three dove into the water.

The sensation of breathing water was a very strange one. Her instinct was to cough it out, but it never entered into her body, instead filtering through her new gills. It was like a cool drink, only it refreshed her entire body at once.

"Twilight," said Fluttershy, who was just as surprised as the rest of them at the sound of her voice, distorted by the ocean but otherwise normal. "Umm, I don't think the spell worked right."

"No, Fluttershy, it didn't. Rarity!" She looked up through the water's surface, to see the white unicorn looking back at her. Twilight broke through into air once more. "Rarity, I aaghlbll..." She ducked back into the water. Sticking her head out, but leaving her neck -- and her gills -- beneath the surface, she found she could finally talk. The other three followed suit.

"Rarity, are you okay?"

"No, dear, I'm not okay at all! What have I done?"

"Don't blame yourself, Rarity, it was an accident."

"Twilight!" Pinkie exclaimed. "You're all fishy-fillies!"

"Thank you for the astute observation, Pinkie Pie."

"Ooh, ooh, what's it like? Tell me, tell me!"

"Later, Pinkie. Rarity, I've never heard of a spell that could do this before. We can't leave the water, so it's up to you and Pinkie Pie to find a counterspell."

"Oh my goodness, Twilight, dear... Where do we look? What if we can't find it?"

"Don't worry. Start in my library, that's the best place to search. See if Spike can help you."

"But Spike's away, don't you remember?"

Twilight scratched her head. "Away?"

"Twilight, weren't you payin' attention?" Applejack scolded. "He said he was goin' to Canterlot to meet up with family!"

"Twilight, dear, you really were rather distracted at the time."

Twilight bit her lip. "Family? Did he mean dragons? I thought I was the only family he had..."

"Twilight, that's not important," Rainbow Dash said, splashing at the water. "What is important is getting' the hay out of this stupid water and getting my wings back! And your horn!"

Twilight felt the spot on her forehead where her horn used to be. "Uh-oh... Rarity, you know what this means. You're going to have to cast the spell once you find it."

Rarity shook her head. "No, there's no way, Twilight. I've already ruined things once. I... I'll never cast another spell again, I swear!"

"Rarity..." Twilight maneuvered herself closer to shore, though she was crawling on her belly in order to keep her gills below water. "Don't worry about anything right now. Find the spell. Go to Canterlot and ask Princess Celestia for help if you have to. Who knows? With any luck, this will wear off in a day anyway, and we'll be back to normal before you know it!" She smiled, but she wasn't so sure about that as she seemed.

Rarity drew in a long breath. "All right, Twilight. I'll do my best. Ohh, but I never was very good at finding things, you know how I am."

"That's okay!" said Pinkie, hopping around Rarity in a circle. "I'm great at finding things! Leave it to me!"

"We'll stay right here, along this beach. When you want to talk to us, place a ball of light in the water; we should be able to see it. If it takes you a day, or a week... or a month..." Their ears all folded back at that thought. "We'll be right here waiting. I know you can do this. I believe in you."

"Rarity, I don't blame you," said Fluttershy quietly. "After all, now I can play with the fish for a while."

"Yeah, it'll be an adventure!" Rainbow Dash added. "I can be the fastest pony in the sea and the sky!"

"Hey Pinkie," said Applejack, "take care o' my hat, would ya? I'd be awful upset if anything happened to it. Salt water'll ruin the leather though."

"Okie-dokie-lokie!" Pinkie zipped away, then zipped back, Applejack's hat perched snugly on her head. "You can count on Pinkie Pie, hat protector extraordinaire!"

Rarity mustered her courage and smiled at Twilight. "We won't spare a minute; I'll devote my every waking moment to finding a reversal for you. For all of you." She leaned down and gave Twilight a long, deep kiss. "I love you," she whispered.

Twilight blushed profusely. Rarity had never made such a direct statement to her before, not in the short time of their relationship. She found herself almost reeling at the statement; but she needed to respond.

"I love you too."

"Stay safe."

"We will, I promise."

The four watched as Pinkie and Rarity gathered their things, and with one last, longing look back, turned onto the path that led back to Ponyville. Sighing, Twilight sank down into the water and looked to her friends.

"Well, I guess we're stuck here."

"Twi, what in the hay are we supposed to do until they get back? You said yourself it could be weeks!"

"I don't know, AJ, but I'm open to suggestions."

"We could explore!" Rainbow Dash experimented with completing a loop in deeper water, got halfway to the top and stalled. "I'm sure we could have some adventures down here!"

"But we need to stay near shore in case Rarity signals us."

"So we'll stay close! We'll check back once a day! You can see light from a distance, Twilight." This time, Rainbow Dash finished her loop, successful if not necessarily graceful.

"Umm, Rainbow Dash..."

"Rainbow's right! And we need to think about things like findin' shelter and food. I don't even know what the hay we're supposed to eat, but I sure don't see nothin' here that looks like food."

"Applejack, umm, I..."

"All right, let's form two groups. Rainbow Dash, you come with me, we'll look for food. Applejack and Fluttershy, you two can..."

"Twilight!"

All heads turned toward Fluttershy, who was looking extremely embarrassed by her own outburst.

"Yes, Fluttershy?"

"Umm, I'm sorry to interrupt, I just thought you would want to know that, there's, well, coming this way..."

She held out a foreleg. In the direction she indicated, they could just make out a dark shape moving towards them. As they watched, they could make out fins adorning a long, sleek shape. Twilight's eyes got huge.

"Sh-sh-sh-SHARK!"

So like, then they make friends with sea life because Fluttershy, and get arrested by seaponies for being "dirty trench-dwellers" and meanwhile Rarity and Pinkie are trying to tackle this mountain of books and this scene happens:

"Pinkie, have you begun the oceanomancy section yet? Pinkie...?"

A gentle snore was her only reply. She looked down to see fluffy fuchsia mane spilling out over a book on turtles. Smiling, Rarity stifled a yawn.

"I suppose we should get some rest then, yes," she said quietly. With effort, she was able to levitate her friend onto the couch and cover her with a blanket, before going back to wipe the drool off the pages of the tome which had so recently become a pillow. Dousing the lights in the downstairs, Rarity yawned again, and then climbed the stairs to Twilight’s bedroom.

"Rarity?"

The quiet voice out of the still night was just enough to break through Rarity’s dreams and rouse her. Blinking, she forced her eyes into focus and found Pinkie standing at the foot of the bed, a blanket draped over her shoulders. She seemed limp -- sodden was the best way to describe it -- and her eyes slowly panned from the floor to Rarity and back down again.

"What’s the matter, dear?"

"Um, I know that that’s Twilight’s bed, and sometimes you sleep there with her... You see, I kind of don’t sleep well in other ponies’ houses, and when I used to sleep over at my granny’s, sometimes she would..."

Rarity kept her expression neutral. "You want to sleep with me?"

Pinkie tried to make a horrified face, but it came out more hang-dog than anything. "N-not like how you two do it, I mean, uh, not that I know anything about your sleephugs, it’s just..." Her voice came out as a squeak. "I had a bad dream."

Rarity scooted over and patted the bed next to herself, frowning. "Ohh, Pinkie. Come here and tell me about it, darling, that should make you feel better."

Pinkie shuffled over and sat on the edge of the bed, shivering. Rarity reached up and stroked her mane gently as she spoke.

"I dreamed that we were all at the beach, just like we were a few days ago. The sun was shining shinily, and the sky was full of not-clouds, and we were all having a good time.

Pinkie began gesturing animatedly as her usual exuberance ebbed into her narrative. "Suddenly, there was a huuuuge earthquake! It was all ‘brbrbrbrbrbrbr’!" The bed creaked ominously as she vibrated to illustrate her point. "And then everything got really really quiet and Rainbow Dash was all, ‘Wow, Pinkie, you gotta cut down on the tabasco,’ and I was just about crack a joke but then there was a big roar, like ‘whooooosh’!" She threw all four hooves in the air, causing herself to slide down onto the floor with a bump.

Pinkie spun around, gripping the edge of the bed and popping her head over the lip of the mattress. "And then there was this bigbig tidal wave, and we all tried to grab onto the palm trees, but they all turned into ice cream except the one I had, and the wave came and melted all the trees and pulled you all out to sea." She cast her eyes to the side, sinking down slightly, her voice quieting. "And I knew that I’d never see any of you again.

"Oh, Pinkie..."

"I know it’s just a dream, but it’s making me feel really icky down in my tummy, like we’ll never be able to help our friends or see them even again either."

"Don’t give up hope, Pinkie Pie," Rarity said, helping her friend up into the bed. "They’re depending on us, after all. So long as we remain vigilant, we’ll come up with a solution, I’m sure of it." Rarity paused a moment, considering her sudden enthusiasm on the subject. Hope had slowly been waning for her as well over the past few days, but now she found her words cheering herself as much as they were Pinkie Pie. "But we will be no use to them if we’re too tired to search. So come on, let’s get some sleep."

Pinkie nodded, yawning, and curled up next to her. "Thanks, Rarity. You’re a pal." By the time Rarity had covered her friend up with the blankets, she was already asleep.

Author's Note

And then like, the seapony four meet the seapony queen, who throws them in seapony dungeon, they make friends with the freedom fighters, yadda yadda, lots of this stuff will get used later.

Anyway, if you couldn't tell, this is one of the very first things I wrote, and there's some stuff in there I'm not proud of (like the random Twility just because and the fucking Moonbase Alpha reference, goddammit), but I've always wanted to do seaponies and now I have a slightly better idea to use some of these characters and situations for ~~that I'll probably never write~~. I mean, don't get your hopes up, it won't be anytime soon, but it could happen. :B

"Speak, Butt, and Enter"

"Speak, Butt, and Enter"
by Present Perfect

"Is that really what it says?"

Daring rolled her shoulder, wincing as the bandage on her wing pulled at her feathers.

"Well, strictly speaking, I guess it translates more like 'posterior'." She shot Ditzy a sidelong glance. "It's more polite? Although it is in kind of a strange--"

"So what's the Low Griffish word for 'butt'?" Ditzy reared up and placed her forehooves on the huge stone double-doors. If they hadn't already known this was the entrance to the Lost Temple of Mookrates, there would have been no telling it wasn't just another wall. The writings were faded, and the memories of gems and decorative tiles marked by empty pocks.

Daring's irritation at being interrupted was short-circuited by confusion. "Why Low Griffish?"

"Didn't you say ancient Minos was always at war with the Griffin kingdom?" Ditzy didn't turn her head. "If this place was so important, then only Minotaurs were gonna know about it. So why not make the password something in the language of their enemies to keep it safe from prying hooves? We just have to say 'butt' in whatever language the Griffins were speaking back then, and we can go in!"

Daring blinked. "Ditzy, you're brilliant!"

Ditzy tilted her head back until it was upside-down and blew a raspberry.

"But..." Daring frowned. "Why 'butt'?"

"Butts are serious business," Ditzy said seriously. "And always have been."

"Well," Daring said, wracking her brain, "I'm pretty sure it would have been... 'patooten'."

Ditzy nodded, took a few steps back, and closed her eyes.

"Patooten!" she cried.

They waited. The sounds of tropical jungle life rang through the air around them. Nothing happened.

"Well, I'm out of ideas." Ditzy turned and walked back to Daring.

"Okay," Daring said, rapping on the column bearing the inscription, "take a look at this. 'Butt' is in an imperative case. It doesn't make any sense for a noun, which is why it slipped my mind. Well, that and your brilliant outside-the-box thinking."

Ditzy grinned and waggled her head. Her smile fell, though, and she said, "Wait, I failed history. What's 'imperative'?"

Daring chuckled. "It means 'butt' is a verb. A command, like 'speak'! But what in the hay is it supposed to mean?"

Ditzy grew quiet and still. Her eyes widened to saucers. She turned, ever so slowly, to Daring, and said in a loud whisper, "Daring. Watch very closely. You are about to witness a pony fulfill her life's destiny."

Questions danced on the tip of Daring's tongue, but she held them back in favor of watching. Ditzy turned her back on the temple. She took a deep breath, shaking out her legs and wings. She sat on the ancient stone steps, and a low thud boomed out through the jungle. Daring winced; she heard a sharp crack in there, too. But she held back her admonishments, too enthralled by the sight.

Ditzy closed her eyes. She ruffled her wings. She lay down on the ground.

She tried to butt.

Ditzy butted a lot.

Daring had to shield her eyes, so magnificent was the sight. Light shone all around the temple, scattering birds to the four winds. With the grinding of stone mechanisms that had not moved in millennia, the door at last opened.

"Hooray!" Ditzy cheered, clapping her hooves. "I did it!" She pranced in place a few moments before trotting gleefully into the temple.

Daring could only laugh softly and shake her head. After all they'd been through on this adventure, she had to admit she was glad Ditzy came along. She was pretty sure she wouldn't have been able to get into this temple herself.

She glanced back toward her cutie mark. Well, she'd never admit it, anyway.

Throwing one last glance at the inscription on the column, she followed Ditzy inside.

"Now if only it was as easy to get rid of that Oxenford comma."

Author's Note

I wrote this after hearing the phrase "speak, but" in a fic reading and making the immediate mental leap to the scene from Lord of the Rings. In case you didn't get the other joke, it comes from this, which in turn is derived from this. Writing this made me wish I'd read The Sisters Doo already. Thanks to archonix for reminding me that Derpy has the most powerful of butts!

Matter Was I, If It Would

Matter Was I, If It Would
by Present Perfect

"No?" Twilight rubbed the back of her neck. "I mean, it's hard to say for sure, but I guess it wouldn't matter..."

"So be it."

Twilight gasped, shielding her eyes from the intense otherworldly glow that suddenly suffused the room. When Pinkie spoke, it was in a voice that was a thousand voices, all speaking in perfect harmony from every facet of creation.

"Now you see me as I truly am, Twilight Sparkle."

Twilight lowered her hoof. The light was still powerful, but if anything truly overwhelmed her, it was Pinkie's presence. She radiated an aura of power, of mystery and wonder, of fathomless, timeless grandeur. She was no longer pony-shaped, instead bearing an elongated form and large, multi-faceted eyes. In place of her poofy mane was a tapering point that curled to one side, ending in a teardrop. She had fingers. Twilight wished Lyra Heartstrings was here.

"Why now, Pinkie?" Twilight felt as though she had to shout to be heard over the sheer fact of Pinkie's existence.

"The time was right," Pinkie said, with a serenity that outshone even Celestia's. "You're a Princess now. Fluttershy's a changeling. Rainbow Dash is griffonkin, Applejack and Rarity have been having a tumultuous relationship under our noses, and Spike is the new Rainbow Dash. Everypony is changing, Twilight: changing into what they've always been."

Closing her eyes, Twilight took in a deep breath. "So what are you?"

"I am all that is, all that was, and all that will be."

"Is that why--"

"Also I'm Celestia's mother. And yours, Twilight."

Twilight's face fell. "What?"

"And last Thursday, when I said I ate all the corn cakes, I was really holding onto three so I could eat them later. I'm sorry, Twilight."

Twilight's frown deepened. "What does that have to do with being the all-powerful progenitor of everything?"

There was a serene, thousand-voiced snort. "Pfft! N-nothing. Nothing at all!"

"Pinkieeeee." The sound of Twilight's hoof impacting her forehead resounded around the room. She dragged herself over to the nearest wall socket and pulled the plug. The light died immediately, replaced by Pinkie's rapid-fire giggle-snorts.

"No, wait, wait! I -- hee-hee-hee! -- I have to unveil the mysteries of the universe to you still! Bahahahaha!" Pinkie, very much not-glowing and still pink, lay on her back, kicking her hooves in the air.

"How did you even do that?" Twilight's voice took on that high-pitched screech it tended to when she was this close to reaching the breaking point.

"It's amazing the things you can accomplish with candles, a mirror and silly string!" Pinkie shoved both hooves in her own mouth, trying to calm down. "And that wasn't even my final form!"

"Ugh," Twilight ughed. "Ugh. I am never going to understand you, Pinkie Pie."

"Don't worry," said Pinkie, patting Twilight on the head. "It's just part and parcel of being one with the unknowable cosmos!"

Author's Note

This is dumb, this is so dumb, shut up.

Sunset Shimmer Plays Baseball

Sunset Shimmer Plays Baseball
by Present Perfect

Sunset Shimmer: the girl of your dreams.

You had of course forgiven her for her transgressions. Sure, maybe you didn't understand quite how she had been able to take over students' minds, but you had easily put it out of your mind, especially after she saved helped save everyone from... whatever that other weird, not easily understood thing was. Anyway, a little attempted world domination seemed like a minor thing compared to her gorgeous hair, her gorgeous eyes, and her gorgeous body.

Also she was really smart.

After a little bit of time, during which she learned to forgive herself or something, she agreed at last to go on a date with you. It wasn't going to be anything major, just dinner at Sugarcube Corner and maybe some hand-holding in the park. Maybe, if you were lucky enough, there would even be a kiss. First base had never felt closer.

Kissing was first base, right?

Well, when the time came, you showered, shaved, put on some Old Spice (you could taste the double sun power!) and got in your beat-up Ford Pinto hatchback. Some might call the car a rusted-out heap, a lemon, or even a garbage can on wheels, my-god-how-does-that-thing-even-run, but to you, it was your home away from home. Indeed, you had lived in it for almost a whole year when your parents kicked you out of the house after turning eighteen. Those had been hard times, as your Pinto's interior was too cramped to fit your entire collection of body pillows. It might have had something to do with why you were still in high school, despite being legally, and functionally, an adult.

But you didn't need a dakimakura now. If you played your cards right, you'd have a real girl to cuddle with and whisper your dirtiest secrets to long into the night. Second base! Right? Well, in time; you were playing things slow, of course.

Off you went to the candy shop, and then afterward to the florist. Like the grown-up adult you were, you had ordered ahead, and everything was ready and waiting for you, just as you'd planned it. This day was going to be perfect.

You drove up to Sunset's house with fifteen minutes to spare. Like you, she lived on her own, in a slightly run-down, if safe, part of the west side of town. She drove to school in her own car, which had considerably cooler decals than yours, if you were being honest. You had never asked about parents, but now wasn't the time for such things.

You checked your hair in the rear-view, did that thing where you breathed into your palm and sniffed it (minty!), grabbed the chocolates and flowers, and stepped out onto the asphalt.

Right into the path of an oncoming car.

"Hey, I'm drivin' here!"

Your amazing hair had unfortunately blocked your view of the road behind you. Thankfully, your catlike reflexes saved you from becoming someone else's hood ornament. Less thankfully, the box of chocolates slipped from your grasp and was rendered so much sugary paste beneath the wheels of that red Nissan Cube. There was nothing you or your cougar-like reflexes could do.

But the flowers! The flowers remained, tightly clutched in your manly grasp. The flowers would be fine on their own, you told yourself. Sunset wasn't expecting anything. The flowers would be fine.

Feeling yourself shaking and peeing just a little, you sat back down in the driver's seat and began the arduous process of squirming across the center console and into the passenger's seat to avoid a second close call. Long story short, this left you arriving at Sunset's door punctually, and not a moment sooner, thanks to your impressive girth hampering efforts to extrude yourself across the seats.

But there you were, and you rang the doorbell, and after a few moments, there she was, smiling up at you.

"Look at you!" she said, grinning ear to ear. "Ready to get going?"

Suavely, you handed her the bouquet. Her eyes lit with joy and wonderment.

"For me?" she gasped. "Thank you! They're gorgeous!"

Closing her eyes, she drew the bouquet to her face and inhaled deeply. You let out a tiny sigh of relief; against all odds, at least the flowers survived.

Now was a good opportunity to take in her appearance. Aside from the addition of a sunburst barrette, her hair looked as it usually did. Good; you wouldn't want her to change a single strand, not even for you. Her normal leather jacket ensemble had been replaced by a cute aqua sun dress, and she was wearing sandals that showed off freshly painted toenails. She'd really gone all out for you!

The sound of crunching drew you from absorbing her beauty. Blinking, you shook your head slightly and stared.

Sunset was eating the flowers.

"They taste a little weird," she said through a mouthful of petals. "Are you sure these are fresh?"

Your mind was incapable of adequately forming words to describe the emotions you were experiencing, let alone providing an answer to her nonsensical question. She may as well have asked you to rub cream in her antlers to get the egg whites out of her leg.

As you stood there, mouth agape in fish-like wonder, Sunset staggered and held her hand out against the door frame.

"I feel funny," she said, words slurring together. "And why do I smell pee? What was in these fluh--"

She fell. Luckily, with your puma-like reflexes, you were able to catch her. Unluckily, she was way heavier than your scrawny muscles could account for. The two of you went down in a single heap. You had to wonder if this counted as first base or second.

You couldn't be sure; you're bad at sports.

Out in the road, a red Nissan Cube screamed back through the neighborhood, the driver cackling and tossing refuse out his window. You knew he was up to no good.

But now was no time for recriminations. Vowing revenge on the Cube driver, you grabbed your cell and dialed 9-1-1.

"And that's how you ended up here," said the nurse.

"Wow." Sunset scrubbed at her face with one hand. "I don't get it. I'm not allergic to that kind of flower."

The nurse clucked her tongue. "Honey, you ate them. Those flowers are poisonous."

Sunset stared, unable to comprehend what had just been said. "But... we were about to go on a date..."

"Yes, and flowers are generally admired or smelled." The nurse gave her a hard look. "Not eaten."

The nurse poked around her personal space for a few more minutes, during which Sunset remained quiet. Only the beeping of the monitor filled the air. Then, the nurse left, and Sunset could only stare at her hands.

She couldn't believe how many things she was still learning about this world. Don't eat the flowers, huh? It hadn't come up before.

With a sigh, she turned to look out the window of her hospital room. Across town, a baseball team practiced on a diamond. Her thoughts turned back to the boy who had so charmed her with his funny ways. Everything had been going swimmingly up until that one little mistake, and now here she was, untouched, unkissed, and fully clothed. Well, clothed in a hospital gown, at least. Or was that third base?

She was never going to get to first base at this rate.

Author's Note

After seeing the Sunset Shimulator, this idea popped into my head. I was gonna put up a panel of the comic as cover art, but that didn't happen, so you'll have to pretend. :B Ponies eating bouquets will never not be funny. :V What do you mean "what I'm supposed to be writing"? Stop saying words now! V: Thanks to totallynotabrony and Pascoite for feedback! And the line about egg whites and antlers is a nonsense madlib created by KitsuneRisu. :B

Underneath It All

Underneath It All
by Present Perfect

"Quit shifting your weight!" Celestia groused, earning a hoof in the eye. Looking up, she could only see her younger sister's underside; yet another reason why she wished she were anywhere but here.

"Quiet!" Luna hissed. "You are meant to give me eminence. Eminence does not speak!"

"You could have been the Ghost of Hearth's Warming Past, you know," Celestia grunted, letting out an "umf!" as Luna's hooves shifted on her back once again. "But noooo, you had to be Future."

"The Ghost of Hearth's Warming Future is a character more naturally befitting our imposing self." Luna settled the cloak around them, obscuring all light other than that coming from Celestia's horn. "And the song is too low for your range, sister."

"If by 'low', you mean 'gothy'." Celestia got another hoof in the face. "Hey! That was on purpose!"

"Hush, eminence! Our cue is nigh!"

Author's Note

4chan beat me to it. And this isn't even a story. :C Oh well.

Rainbow Dash and Fluffle Puff Try to Play an MMORPG

Rainbow Dash and Fluffle Puff Try to Play an MMORPG
by Present Perfect

Rainbow Dash was a mare of action.

Unlike certain Fluttershies or Rarities, or even occasional Twilight Sparkles, Rainbow Dash did not just sit around doing nothing. Sure, ponies might deride her for constant napping, but when you were in motion as much as the Rainbow Dash, you needed to rest up a lot so you had the energy to stay in motion the rest of the time. Besides, they were power naps.

The point being, Rainbow Dash was both unaccustomed to and less than thrilled about being glued to a dungeon floor back-to-back with a large, fluffy pink pony.

"Remind me again how we got here?" she groused, picking unsuccessfully at the adhesive once more. She'd managed to dig a little divot in a spot just under her right buttcheek, but the excavation was slow going. She was mostly just succeeding at making herself more irritated. Conversation would help make the monotony more bearable.

"Pffftttt," said her companion. "Bllffth frrpttt pth pth flrrrpt blth. Blrrrrp frpth pllth thplllllrrrft frpl thf!"

"Really?" Rainbow resisted the urge to scratch her cheek. Her hoof, the one she had been using to pick at the glue, would only end up stuck to it. "Are you sure?"

Her companion rocked against her. Rainbow assumed she was nodding vigorously. She tended to do everything vigorously. Why else would Rainbow hang out with her so much? Rainbow Dash was a vigorous pony.

"Fpth pllrrrt! Pthfth fllllpt ptrrrrpt fthfthfth blp! Pbbbbrt flthp rrrrrrp blblblblth!"

"Huh." Rainbow squinted across the room. There was really only enough light for her to see her immediate surroundings, but it didn't stop her from trying to discern small details that might help them escape. It was what Daring Do would have done. Daring Do was a mare of action, too.

"I musta been knocked out or something for that part, 'cause I totally don't remember it."

She was pulled upwards by a shrug. Back-to-back, she was only about head-high to her companion's shoulders, after all.

The fact was, if either of them had really wanted to, they could have worked together to tear free of, at the very least, the floor. But given how much hair would be lost in the process...

"You know what I was looking forward to the most?" she mused. "Making a character. It's always so awesome setting all the sliders and stuff. I mean, just really working your creativity onto this... Avatar, that's the word, right? The thing you're gonna use to represent you." She sighed and stopped picking. "I can't really explain it. Sometimes I'll start a new game just so I can make a new character, y'know?"

Knocking her head back against whatever she was leaning on was a typical habit of Rainbow's when bored, tired or exasperated. In this situation, however, it only resulted in a pained gasp behind her.

"Sorry!" she said immediately, leaning forward as much as she could. It wasn't much. "Sorry. Won't do that again." She sighed once more. "I just... I guess I'll never get to make that character now."

It wasn't giving up, no. Rainbow Dash was not a mare who gave up. She was just being smart enough to know when to recognize reality for what it was. Various Twilight Sparkles would have been proud. Twilight Sparkles were thinking ponies.

"Plrrrrft!"

"Huh? What do you mean you made a character?"

Vigorous shaking set in, up and down and up and down.

"Hphhhflr flrrbbbbt thlrrrrp pftt blrrrpll plrrrrbth!"

"Table-top? What's that?"

There was a loud gasp, and something rustled behind Rainbow. She craned her neck around to the side and got a view of a piece of graph paper. On it, written in shaky crayon, were a veritable plethora of statistics -- height, charisma, mojo, etc. -- surrounding a poorly-rendered picture of what looked strangely like the changeling queen. She squinted at the name written at the top.

"Does that say 'Princess Puffbutt'?" She resisted the urge to snicker.

A flat raspberry was her only response.

"Oh." Dash sighed. "Of course. Figures."

Author's Note

Explanation. Thank to Deluxe Magnum, Petrichord and Pascoite for feedback. Fluffle Puff of course belongs to Mixermike.

Friendly Fire

Friendly Fire
by Present Perfect

"It's not my imagination," Twilight said, pausing on the toppled chunk of wall to look behind herself. Around them, the sand-colored ruins of the ancient city lay in chaotic repose. Walls half-buried in the desert leaned against each other, mockeries of the grand buildings they had once belonged to. Phalanxes of windows arched in every direct. A clocktower near the center of the ruin, silent for over a thousand years, was the sole structure that remained vertical.

"Something's definitely burning."

Beside Twilight, Fluttershy shivered audibly. "You don't think it could be a... dragon. Do you?"

Twilight shook her head slowly. There had been monsters lurking in the ruins, yes. Or at least, there had been rumors of monsters lurking in the ruins, along with enough misshapen shadows beneath the unstable lean-tos of ruined walls to give them credence.

"I'm not sure." Twilight's scan for telltale smoke revealed nothing. In the distance, a blue and rainbow blur flitted from behind one crumbled facade to search another. "I mean, I don't know if any live out here. We should still be careful."

Fluttershy all but clung to her as they crept along the wall's boundary, looking for a safe path down. The lost relic wasn't going to find itself, but vantage point after vantage point had led them no closer to locating it in among ruins that seemed to repeat themselves ad infinitum.

With a grunt, Twilight remembered her wings and floated down to a patch of loose stones that shifted under her hooves. A second later and Fluttershy landed beside her, scattering more of the stones into the sands below.

"I hate to complain," she said, "but I'm starting to feel just a little tired."

Twilight grimaced but nodded. "We could probably stand to take a short break." She turned to the shaded shelter of the wall they had been on.

She came face-to-face with a wall of flames.

"Grrunggh!" it burbled, like a happy newborn foal.

"Fluttershy!" Twilight screeched, her pupils shrinking to pinpricks. "Run!"

A lifetime of timidity had blessed Fluttershy with excellent reflexes, and she dashed off over the sands in a heartbeat, taking wing a few seconds later as the sand slowed her down. Twilight was right behind her, breathing heavily.

The flames resolved themselves into the shape of a small troglodyte, and it pursued them, no less speedy, its arms stretched upward.

"What is it?" Fluttershy squeaked.

"It's a friendly fire!" Twilight's teeth began to chatter. "I've only ever read about them once, but they're relentless, tireless predators. Once you've caught its attention, it'll wear you down before smothering you in fire!"

"Oh dear." Fluttershy nibbled at the tip of her hoof. "Is there anything we can..."

She shrieked as a jet of fire shot up between them.

"Fly!" Twilight cried, and the flames followed behind them, making clumsy swipes every few seconds. She chanced a look back, to see the fire monster had extended its arms all the way up to their level. A series of cooler patches of flame on its front gave it the look of an excited smile.

"It's not--" Fluttershy squeaked and ducked around another firey grab. "It's not very friendly, Twilight! Why even call it that?"

Twilight gritted her teeth. "It's literally trying to make friends with us. Imagine if Pinkie Pie didn't know she could kill you with a hug."

"That makes a terrifying amount of sense."

Twilight dove behind a wall leaning toward the way they had come, Fluttershy following her lead. There were a few too many windows and cracks in it for them to feel anything like comfortable, though.

"What do we do?" Fluttershy whispered, peering around the wall before ducking quickly back. "If what you said is true, it's never going to stop following us. And... I feel kind of sorry for it."

"I supposed I shouldn't be surprised." Twilight frowned. "But, really?"

"Oh, yes." Fluttershy nodded, her lower lip jutting out. "Just think of what it would be like if nopony wanted to be your friend and you couldn't figure out why!"

She scooted closer to Twilight, gripping Twilight's forearm tightly between her hooves.

"It's a friendship problem, Twilight! You should try and help that poor, friendless fire monster!"

The scent of burning reached their nostrils again. Twilight didn't exactly know what fresh, molten glass smelled like, but she was pretty sure this was it.

"You're right," she said. "It sounds ridiculous, but... I'm the Princess of Friendship!" She stood, her wings unfurling. "I have to try!"

She chanced a peek around the wall. The friendly fire seemed to have lost sight of them and was scanning the area, one misshapen hand over its 'eyes'. Twilight swallowed and lit her horn.

"Okay, fireproofing spell." She began to glow a subtle white. "Here goes nothing."

With small steps, she rounded the corner and put on the biggest, least nongenuine smile she could muster.

"Hi there, friend!" she said loudly.

The friendly fire turned, or rather, its features moved position on its body to face her. With a loud, excited gurgle, it charged toward Twilight, arms outstretched. Even through the spell, she could feel the heat increasing as it approached, and it took all her willpower not to cringe back.

Finally, it latched onto her, wrapping both arms around her in what Twilight had to admit was the warmest hug she had ever received. The fire burbled and cooed, its 'eyes' closed and 'mouth' stretched all the way across its body.

"There," Twilight said, patting it carefully. "Don't you look happy?"

Somewhere behind her, Fluttershy gave a soft "Aww".

Twilight had to admit, making this thing feel happy actually made her happy in turn. It shouldn't have been any surprise, really. After all, that's what friendship was all about!

Then she noticed it was getting rather warm.

"Um..." Fluttershy backed up a few paces. "Twilight, I think it's getting a little too happy..."

The friendly fire's flames had quickly shot up above the level of the ruined wall, burning hotter by the second. With a shout, Twilight began pouring more magic into her spell, sweat pouring down her brow. Try as she might, the friendly fire outpaced her.

"Stop it!" Fluttershy shouted. "You're hurting her!"

"Fluttershy!" Twilight cried, trying to wrench out of the friendly fire's surprisingly solid grasp. "Do something!"

Fluttershy surged forward, but before she was even two pony-lengths away, she had to turn back.

"I can't!" she cried, tears in her eyes. "It's too hot, Twilight!"

Twilight gritted her teeth, a second magical overlay working onto her horn. "That's enough," she grunted. "It's time to learn about... personal space!"

With a scream of pain and exertion, she completed the second spell, teleporting back behind the wall. Smoke curled from her mane and feathers.

"Twilight, you're burned!" Fluttershy rushed to her side, but Twilight waved her back.

"Ouch!" she shouted. "That really hurt!"

She rolled out from behind the wall -- she might have been purposefully adding melodrama to the performance, but they were real burns, and they really did hurt -- to where she could see the friendly fire. Her teleport seemed to have confused it, but once it saw her again, it surged toward her.

"Stop!" she cried, and the friendly fire did, again seeming confused. "Look at what you did!"

She didn't stop Fluttershy this time as she pulled gauze and ointments from her saddlebags and started treating the burns on her legs. The friendly fire's face cocked to one side on its front.

"You're very hot," she said, enunciating clearly, "and you burned me! That isn't nice!"

The friendly fire shrank back.

"I know you like giving hugs, and that's a nice thing to do, but you have to understand when enough is enough!"

The friendly fire's smile turned into a pout.

"Um, Twilight, don't you think you're being just a little harsh--"

"You hurt me!" Twilight continued, heedless. "And now I don't want to hug you anymore!"

There was a wail from the friendly fire, and soon, giant tears were pouring from its eyes. Both ponies stared in confusion and horror as the fire monster cried. The tears initially evaporated as soon as they touched it, but as they continued, the friendly fire slowly began to shrank, its fires glowing dimmer.

"Um," said Twilight, giving Fluttershy a panicked look, "now, there, there. I didn't mean I don't want to be your friend. Please don't cry!"

Her words had no effect. The friendly fire cried and cried until its sobbing was masked by the hiss of water turning to steam. A huge cloud built up around the creature, and when the desert winds at last blew it away, all that was left was a softly glowing pile of embers and slag.

Twilight and Fluttershy shared shocked, tearful looks.

"Um," observed Fluttershy.

"What," agreed Twilight.

As Fluttershy finished bandaging Twilight's injuries, neither spoke a word. One or the other would occasionally glance at the pile of slag, only to look quickly away.

At last, Fluttershy finished, and Twilight stood, testing her legs. She turned to Fluttershy with a grim expression.

"We never tell anypony about this."

Fluttershy nodded without hesitation. "We never speak of this again. Ever."

And they never did.

Author's Note

A few days ago, I noticed a story called Friendly Fire on the front page. My mind immediately went to work, pulling up a concept I'd been saving for an SCP, and we get this little thing. I have no idea what that other story's about, by the way, I just used the title. :B

That's Amore

That's Amore
by Present Perfect

Starlight Glimmer hyperventilated as she ran into the castle library, her friends bickering in the fwa-yay behind her. She'd been so sure she could combine all those friendship lessons into one; why was everything suddenly going so wrong?

"Okay, Starlight," she said to herself, "you've got this. A hoofful of friendship lessons is nothing compared to the recipes you've mastered."

She grabbed a hoofful of books off the shelves nearby to stir her creativity. Yes, just move her focus off the problem and onto solving it, and things would surely fall into place in no time!

"Maybe if I cook a little food to help things along, something simple and safe..."

She speed-read two books simultaneously, flipping back and forth. With a gasp, she landed on the answer.

"Fettuccine carbonara! That's not bad. They all love pasta, but is it enough?"

Sticking her tongue out the side of her mouth, Starlight scoured the second book more thoroughly.

"Oh... Maybe some oregano so they're more... spicy..." She frowned for a moment before a thought struck her. "Or maybe oregano combined with fettuccine carbonara!" She laughed and smacked herself in the head. "I've never thought of putting the two together before. Goodbye, days of eating plain oregano!"

She was a horse, so eating just plants by the hoofful was normal for her.

"Yes, that would work nicely," she said decisively, bringing the books to rest atop one another. She noted something in the upper left of the forefront book and grinned. "With a hint of parmigiano-reggiano to be sure it's cheesy!"

Starlight was so clever. She knew this because she was the pony most likely to recognize her own cleverness. The magic started to happen in her horn.

It ceased abruptly as she became aware of a noise. It was oddly muffled, like... like it was coming from outside. But that was crazy. She was a couple of stories up, and it wasn't like things were capable of both making noise and flying.

Frowning, she moved to the nearest window and opened the shutters. The sound became immediately louder. It sounded like somepony screaming, though the volume was growing and growing, as though they were...

Her face dropped. "Coming closer!"

She slammed the shutters closed with her magic and galloped away from the window, but it was too late. Something large, dark and screamy burst through the crystal window, scattering shards across the library floor. Starlight ran for the door, but she wasn't fast enough. Despite entering the castle like a comet, the large something curved to intercept her.

The next thing Starlight knew, her face was covered in a hoofful of pizza. Which was an entire pizza, forcefully delivered by the Princess of the Moon.

She stopped in her tracks as the hot, melty mozzarella, tomato sauce, onions, mushrooms and olives oozed down her face. The bulk of the pizza loosed and hit the floor with a loud slap.

Now able to see through her cheesy prison, Starlight found herself in the presence of none other than Princess Luna, Guardian of the Night. She would have bowed, except her face was kind of on fire at the moment. Not screaming was about the best she could do.

Princess Luna moved forward until she was even with Starlight, then bent down and hissed in her ear.

"Sssssssstop."

Starlight turned to watch Luna as she continued back toward the window. Pausing in the frame, Luna gave her a pointed look; specifically, she pointed at her eyes with a hoof, then pointed to Starlight. Then Luna was gone.

Starlight stared, dumbfounded, at the hoofful of crystal shards littering the floor. Most of the cheese was still on her face, and it was starting to cool and harden.

"This is my life now," said Starlight Pizza.

They were going to call her that for the rest of her life. And then Twilight would come home and never believe what had happened and force Starlight to clean up the Princess's mess, and call her Starlight Pizza too.

She sighed. Sadly, it could have been worse.

"At least I didn't do something really stupid, like mind-control my friends."

Author's Note

When you hate an episode, mock it! :V I don't know where the idea for this came from. I'm sorry.

That'll Do, Pig

That'll Do, Pig
by Present Perfect

Nothing ever really changes.

"Hey, baconhead, how's kicks?"

One day blends into another.

"Sweet new jacket, bacon hair!"

Strangers...

"Yooo, it's Sunset, the Baconator! What is up?"

My friends...

"Hey, watch it, baconmane! I mean, head. I mean, uh, human, who is obviously a fellow human like me and not secretly a pony who traveled through a magical portal to another world for reasons she can't tell her marefriend because she might freak out and call the funny farm again good talk thanks bye!"

...Whatever that was.

Point is, I've noticed people are in something of a rut. It's a disease, an infection of uncreativeness, a cavalcade of groupthink. And this coming from a natural herd animal.

Whatever it is, it's spreading. And I can't say I'm pleased with it.

"Yo, does the carpet taste like bacon? Yow!"

Lewdness aside, I think I've had enough. The next person who says anything about bacon in my presence is going to get a--

"Hey, bacon, what's shakin'?"

Sigh. Sweet Celestia, Pinkie, I am sorry it had to be you, but this has to be said.

"Pinkie Pie, tell me something," I say through gritted teeth. "Have you ever seen bacon before that was red and yellow?"

She stands in place, obviously shocked by my tone, pondering the question or maybe just thinking about cupcakes. I don't know; Pinkie Pie is anything but an open book.

"Um... Maybe?"

"No, Pinkie. You haven't." I take a deep breath.

"Look, I don't even eat the stuff, but even I know that bacon is white and... brownish. When you cook it, the white stuff goes away, and then it's just brown. Maybe brown and slightly different brown. Not red and yellow!"

My voice is getting louder, I can't stop it. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time, Pinkie. So help me, when this is over, I will buy you ice cream to make up for it.

"In fact, I'm pretty sure if your bacon is red and yellow, it's gone bad! You need to throw it out!" I throw my arms up. "If you want to compare my very vividly red and strikingly sunny yellow hair to a food product, how about, oh, I don't know, ketchup and mustard? Those are two foods, which are most definitely red and yellow, which go together."

"Um..."

I grab her by the shoulders and try to stare a hole through her head.

"Pinkie, I'm sick of it. Stop calling me bacon head, or bacon hair, or whatever else it is people decided was a funny thing to call me! I am not bacon! I am a hot dog!"

Pinkie appears shocked. I'm breathing heavily. And then I notice everything has gone quiet.

I glance to the side. I just had an outburst in the middle of CHS. During a class change. Literally everyone is right. Here.

And they just heard me call myself a hot dog.

"Yeah, hot dog!" shouts a boy somewhere in the back. Instantly, the whole school takes up the cheer, hooting and howling and pumping their fists in the air as they file to class.

By the time the bell rings, it's just me and Pinkie. I have more or less collapsed against her. I am so dead.

"Gee, Sunset," she says softly, "I never knew it bothered you so much. I'm sorry, I'll make sure to call you a hot dog from now on instead."

"Really, Pinkie. You're too kind." I have such great friends.

She makes a little pouty noise, and I look up at her.

"Now I'm just trying to figure out how I can say I like your bacon bits. I mean, the first thing that comes to mind is 'hot dog buns', but that's totally different, and I don't want to send the wrong message!"

Eye twitch. "Bacon bits?"

She pokes me in the chest.

"Your tiddies are totally rockin', Sunset!" She squeals. "Sometimes, I wish I was a little kitty-cat, so I could just curl up in them and sleep all day!"

Gee, is it hot in here or is it just me?

"My... tiddies?"

"Uh-huh!" Her head rattles as she nods vigorously. "Of course, now that I think of it, you've got great hot dog buns too!" She giggle-snorts and stage whispers, "I mean your buuuuutt!"

"Thanks, Pinkie." I am so glad everyone's already gone to class. I don't need more social damage on top of the mental damage I already need to unpack.

"Well, I should probably get going. I think I'm late for class already! Bye, Sunset, good talk!"

"Yeah..." I wave weakly after her. "Good talk..."

Author's Note

After discovering the "Pinkie loves bacon bits" tag on derpibooru, I just had to write this.

Because seriously, she's not bacon. It bothers me. :|

If you read down this far, I'm sorry.

I'll Show You "Apple Brown Betty"!

I'll Show You "Apple Brown Betty"!
by Present Perfect

On the train to Rainbow Falls...

And we will make to the Games once everypony carbo-loads on my apple brown betties!

During tryouts...

Don't forget your betties!

On the way home...

How 'bout another apple brown betty for good luck? They're loaded with vitamins!

During the Equestrian Games...

Hoo-whee! That there's what an athlete looks like after eatin' a hoofful of homemade apple brown betties!

Around Ponyville...

Don't mention it, Dash. I know how much you love my apple brown betties, so I thought I'd load ya up with a few dozen!

Even in Rainbow Dash's dreams.

Apple brown betties! Grapple down letties!

She could see the smiling face of Applejack, pupils dilating and moving further apart as everything got closer, darker, insaner.

Apple...

Bapple

DAPPLE

"I can't take any more!" Rainbow screamed, waking in the dark of early morning to cold sweats and hyperventilation. "Make it stop!"

Rainbow Dash flew for Sweet Apple Acres like her tail was on fire. Years of practice breaking and entering Twilight's library would have made kicking through shutters foals' play, but Applejack had foolishly left her window open.

Rainbow hovered above the bed, sizing up her intended prey. Applejack slept soundly, snoring every so often, not a care in the world.

She woke with a jolt as Rainbow Dash screeched, "I'll show you 'apple brown betty'!"

"What in tarnation?"

Rainbow Dash made her angriest meme face ever and pushed.

"She got two solid kicks in before I could make it back out the window." Rainbow winced as the brush glanced across a sore spot below her withers. "You pretty much know the rest."

"I must say," Rarity said, elongating one of Dash's wings with her magic so she could scrub beneath it, "what in Equestria possessed you to wreak such an... err, 'vengeance' on poor Applejack?"

Dash scowled, then winced again and tucked her wing back along her side. She splashed a hoof against the surface of the tub water like a petulant foal.

"You just don't understand, Rarity." She shook her head slowly as Rarity scrubbed beneath her mane. "Applejack's voice was haunting me, day in and day out. Even in my sleep, all I could hear was 'apple brown betties'!" She shuddered. "I never want to hear those words again, as long as I live!"

Rarity clucked her tongue. "Honestly, Rainbow Dash, here I had thought I'd seen you at your worst, but you've set a whole new level for 'unladylike'! I wish I could expect better of you."

Rainbow Dash huffed, but said nothing.

There was a sudden thundering from the first floor of Rarity's boutique. Both ponies looked to the bathroom door, frowning.

"Now, whoever could that--"

Rarity was cut off as both the downstairs and bathroom doors were slammed open and a furious burst of yellow and pink stormed into the room.

"Rainbow Danger Elizabeth Professionalism Dash!" Fluttershy scowled at Rainbow like she had never scowled before. She made her angriest meme face ever and floated up over the tub until she was nose-to-nose with Dash.

"We do not, I repeat, do not make poopies on our friends!"

Dash was taken aback. Never had she seen her meekest friend so filled with fire. She might have been turned on if she weren't slightly worried for her life.

After a moment, her gaze averted from Fluttershy's. She couldn't take staring into those smoldering eyes any longer.

"It was just some fibrous nuggets," she mumbled. Nevermind that Applejack's kick had sent them flying all over Dash herself, landing her in her current and very literal mess.

"Applejack told me everything." The rage in Fluttershy's voice was just barely restrained from full-blown. "Do you think what you did was okay?"

Rainbow shook her head, still unwilling to look at Fluttershy.

"I can't hear you!"

"Mmno," Dash muttered. She could hear Fluttershy cross her arms and glare disapprovingly at her.

"Once your bath is over, you will fly to Sweet Apple Acres and apologize to Applejack! And you'd better believe I will be right there with you to make sure it is sincere! Do you understand me?"

Dash gave a positive mumble.

"All right," said Rarity, a little too cheerfully, "let's rinse!"

Dash had no time to retort before she was doused with water. Fluttershy tsk-tsked.

"I hope you learn your lesson after this little display!"

Rainbow sighed. "Yes, Fluttershy."

Fluttershy gave Rarity a knowing look. "Kids these days. You just cannot let them out of your sight for two minutes, I swear."

Rarity nodded and kept her distance. "Uh-huh."

Author's Note

[3:58:16 PM] Syeekoh: pp
[3:58:26 PM] Syeekoh: what the fuck was that
[3:58:38 PM] Syeekoh: WHAT DID I JUST READ
[3:58:46 PM] Deepthroat: When even Syeekoh asks what he just read
[3:59:20 PM] Syeekoh: PP WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT
[3:59:21 PM] Present Perfect: Rainbow Dash dropping a solid deuce on Applejack
[3:59:25 PM] Present Perfect: that's what
[3:59:34 PM] Syeekoh: WHY
[3:59:40 PM] Present Perfect: because I was reminded of Rainbow Falls today and how much I hate apple brown betties
[3:59:53 PM] Syeekoh: WHY PP
[4:00:02 PM] Present Perfect: well, it must be good then :V

[4:08:42 PM] Deepthroat: Did
[4:08:52 PM] Deepthroat: Rainbow Dash shit on Applejack
[4:08:56 PM] Syeekoh: YES SHE DID
[4:09:32 PM] Present Perfect: the art here is not in what I wrote, but in the reactions here in chat

I'm sorry. :B

Daring Do and the Compact of Doom

Daring Do and the Compact of Doom
by Present Perfect

The call had come in: The dreaded tomb robber Ahuizotl, scourge of seven jungles and at least one desert, had his greedy eyes set on yet another priceless artifact. The only one who can stop him?

DARING DO! Mistress of adventure, scholar extraordinaire, the truest protector of Equestria's greatest long-buried treasures!

"Understood, Professor," she said, slamming the phone down. The time for words was over; she would heed the call, leaping into action!

By day, her colleagues knew her as mild-mannered history teacher -- and sometimes author -- A. K. Yearling, and her office reflected the expectations of such. But with the press of a secret switch inside her desk, her most needed accessories sprang from various hidden locations as she rushed for the door. Her trusty satchel fell across her shoulder! Her whip rocketed into her hand! Her ever-faithful pith helmet landed on her head!

And last, but not least, a vanity rose from the floor, complete with everything a young woman needs to look her best when she's about to delve trackless jungles in search of treasure!

"That's right!" Daring said, reaching for the eyeshadow. "I never forget to use Haybelline cosmetics to keep myself looking sharp right before I go on an adventure!"

She began applying various products to her face while talking about them.

"Not only do they carry a quality line of eyeliners, mascara, and foundation, they also have up-to-date fashion trends and tips you can access on their website!" She smiled wide, holding up a cell phone. It wasn't hers.

"But do you know my favorite kind of makeup?" she asked, her voice growing husky. She pulled out a tube of lipstick, cotton candy pink, and pushed the tip up close to her face. "Lipstick." She began applying the cosmetic to her lips, drawing across their surface, and then around and around her mouth, wider and wider with each pass.

"More lipstick!" she shouted. Careless Whisper started playing in the background. "GOD I JUST LOVE LIPSTICK SO MUCH!" She stuck her tongue out, drawing the glossy metal case of the tube along it and fluttering her eyelashes seductively.

On cue, the audio clip featuring the brand's slogan -- "Hay, bee, she's horse with it! Hay, bee, it's Haybelline!" -- played.

"Cut, cut, goddammit, cut!" shouted the director. "I want that sound guy fired, now!"

Daring relaxed, dropping the lipstick and scowling at him.

"Miss Do," he groaned, "for the last time, this is a commercial to sell cosmetics to young girls. It is not a porno." He twisted around in his tiny chair, shouting into his megaphone. "Is that sound guy fired yet? He's not getting hired in advertising if I have anything to say about it!"

"What this is," Daring said, crossing her arms and glowering at the director, "is bullshit. I don't wear makeup when adventuring! That's completely ludicrous!"

"Miss Do." The director folded his hands across his ponderous girth, fixing her with the calmest stare he could muster in the situation. "Let me lay out the situation for you:

"You came to us for extra money because you are broke."

Daring rolled her eyes. "I'm just between treasure hunts is all."

"You agreed to appear in a series of commercials to sell Haybelline's products."

"Which I don't use."

"And!" The director stuck a finger in the air. "I have a somewhat lucrative contract, signed by you, I should add, stating that you will do these things, and in doing so, profit from the increased sales your image will lend to the brand."

"You're just trying to profit off my name by making me do stupid shit." Daring shook her head, tossing the fake whip and satchel to the ground. "You know what? Screw this. You can shove your crummy contract where the sun don't shine! I'd rather fling myself into a volcano than deal with this-- this completely ludicrous sham any longer! I quit!"

She stomped off the set as the crew looked on, helpless. The director merely drummed his fingers on the arm of his chair.

"Is she gone?" one of the boom operators asked.

"Yes," said the director, his voice lowering in pitch. A mechanical arm reached from behind the chair and gripped the top of his head. It yanked on his hair, pulling the fat director's mask off his head and revealing the face of none other than Ahuizotl himself.

"I'll get you next time, Daring Do," he growled, his third arm tossing the mask into the wastebasket. He slammed his fist down so hard on the chair arm that the whole thing was rent to splinters.

"All right," he shouted, "pack it up! We will have to enact our revenge on Daring Do in some other preposterous way. And fire our sound guy already! I never liked him."

Author's Note

What the fuck is this bullshit?

Wrote this in half an hour after getting really mad at things for stupid reasons. Entire credit goes to themaskedferret for "Haybelline".

UPDATE: I am very pleased that this didn't really end up being EQG Daring Do.

Applejack Kicks It Up a Notch

Applejack Kicks It Up a Notch
by Present Perfect

"D'ooh, hornswaggle!" Granny Smith swore. "Gotta get these here butter churns ta the barn, but mah durn hipamajigger's actin' up agin!" She needed take only half a step before the pain became unbearable.

A twinkling light and a chorus of angels heralded an orange comet streaking in from above. With an earth-shaking slam, Applejack landed in the field next to the barn, creating an impact crater that levelled the southwest corner.

"Hey now, Granny!" she shouted. "Don't let that bum bum getcha down! I got just the thing that'll cure what ails ya!"

From somewhere behind herself, Applejack produced a white tube with "Flimco Hip Rub" written in antique gold lettering on the side.

Granny squinted at it. "AJ, what in the hay are ya doin' with mah flank ointment?"

"Helpin' ya out!" Applejack squeezed the tube until she got a hoofful of the gooey white salve and slathered it liberally all over Granny's hips. Granny's eyes bugged out and she tried to slap Applejack's hoof away, but the twisting necessary to keep up with the younger pony was more than she could handle in her condition.

Applejack finished with a final slap to her grandmother's flank, stepping back to admire her work.

"There, that should make ya feel better in a jiffy!" She grinned, but it fell as Granny Smith only glared at her.

Applejack pouted. "It ain't workin' fast enough." With a slow exhalation, she closed her eyes. "That means it's time..."

She reared up on her back hooves, bicycling her forehooves in the air. "Ta kick it up a notch! Yeehaw!"

Granny Smith quailed.

Again from nowhere, Applejack produced a basket filled with small red peppers that glistened in the sunlight like blooded daggers. She kicked the basket, knocking a dozen into the air. Pulling a plate from the same place, she didn't just catch the peppers, but slammed her hoof into them so that when they hit the plate, they turned into paste.

With serpentine grace, Applejack pirouetted and flung the peppery glop onto Granny Smith, somehow perfectly coating the area she'd earlier slathered with rub.

"Bam!"

For a moment, everything was silent, not to mention aromatic. Then a heat crept up Granny's withers. She started to sweat. Her eyes bugged out and her face turned red. With a yelp of pain, she leaped into the air before dashing off across Sweet Apple Acres, smoke trailing from her rump.

"Mah biscuit's a-burnin'! Mah biscuit's a-burnin'! Fire in the hatch!"

Applejack crossed her hooves, smiled, and nodded.

"Yup! Got 'er up an' runnin' like a charm!" She chuckled to herself. "Never fails."

Author's Note

Placed 99th out of 101 entries in the March 2015 Writeoff, "The Best Medicine". :V

Yeah, not super-great. This was my original idea for a TRDDL sequel. I think it's based off a line from Apple Family Reunion? Old, right? Anyway, this is probably all you'll get, so just imagine 6 or 7 other short stories in which AJ shouts "BAM!" a lot, and you'll know if it was worth writing or not. :B

Things Fluttershy Is an Expert In

Things Fluttershy Is an Expert In
by Present Perfect

It was a bright and festive spring morning, and the ponies of Ponyville were happily airing out their homes and getting ready for the day. Breakfasts were eaten, briefcases were filled with important documents, colorful banners were hung and carts were filled with food to vend. All this and more was done with a smile and an easy laugh thanks to musical accompaniment of Ponyville's favorite pony as she bounced down Mane Street.

Now, I'm guessing you thought this favorite pony was in fact Pinkie Pie. Don't lie; you just assumed Pinkie is the only pony capable of hopping down the road and singing. That's racist.

No, the pony was actually Rainbow Dash, and her song went something like this:

"Rainbow Dash! Rainbow Dash! I am Rainbow Daaash! I'm an awesome pegasus whose name is Rainbow Daaa-AAASH!"

Did you honestly expect anything different?

Truth be told, the ponies of Ponyville didn't so much care about the content of the lyrics as the fact that anypony was singing. After all, Rainbow's got a decent voice when she tries, it's not like it was a chore to listen to her. Ponyville ponies have low standards, is what I'm saying, and they were happy to nod along to the peppy beat, self-aggrandizing though it might have been, as she passed by them.

Oh, we're coming to the end of the song now.

"...I'm an awesome pegasus, my name is Rainbow DRKLCH--!"

And that, my friends, is the sound of a song coming to an abrupt halt in account of a fist in the face. I mean a hoof in the face. Rainbow just got punched, is what I'm saying.

Yes indeed, as she bounced gaily along, Rainbow became the unfortunate victim of a large, angry yellow hoof aimed square at her snoot. With a crunch and a yelp, she went sailing across the road, landing in a vendor's stall that would have been a good place to land, had the watermelons not been unloaded by then. She got splinters instead of juice and seeds, is the point.

It took Rainbow Dash a solid minute to clear her swimming vision enough to make out the identity of her attacker.

"Hey!" she cried. "You three better show yourselves so I can kick your flank!"

Except she'd broken a few teeth, so it came out more like, "Hegga beffa flowber ouch goddammit help why."

"Nopony can help you now, Rainbow Dash," said the erstwhile assailant, still concealed by the waning shadow of morning.

Rainbow was shocked back into normal functionality by the familiar voice.

"Fluttershy?"

The yellow pegasus strode into the light, eyes sparkling with murder.

"I am sick and tired of you constantly mouthing off, ignoring everypony around you and generally being a craptastic friend!"

"'Craptastic'?" Rainbow's pupils shrank to pinpricks. "That's, uh, some pretty strong language, Fluttershy, especially for you..."

"No!" Fluttershy shouted, and everypony who wasn't Rainbow Dash vacated the area. Ponyville ponies may have low standards, but they ain't stupid.

"I've had it with ponies pretending they're experts on how I'm supposed to be!" Fluttershy continued, rearing up over Rainbow. "I'm not listening to you anymore, Rainbow Dash! My new area of expertise is kicking your ass!"

So saying, she ripped herself in half to reveal a larger, more muscular and even angrier Fluttershy beneath before pouncing on Rainbow Dash and delivering the ass-beating of a lifetime.

At least Pinkie was able to cover the screams with her singing.

Author's Note

This was written a good bit more recently than AJKIUAN, by which I mean 'today'. :B Imagine this is the final entry of 6 or 7 short stories where Fluttershy yells at ponies and ignores their expert opinions, and you'll get what I was going for. Likely far less worth writing. :V Thanks to literally nobody for feedback.

Apple Slices

Apple Slices
by Present Perfect

For our first date, we snuck into a diner, ate in silence, crept through darkened streets, kissed no goodbyes. All that night my wife, still recovering from foaling pains, slept alone in the farmhouse.

It is night number two. She is dark and supple, she is everything and everywhere, and we move together like waves crashing. Right now, there is no mystery, no secrets, only us and the night.

"When do you want to do this again?" she asks through tobacco smoke.

There is still time for regrets.

"Not sure." I draw the covers up over myself, as though laying bare were something to be ashamed of. "I ain't never been good at excuses. Gonna start lookin' suspicious right quick, I reckon."

She turns to me and laughs. Her candy-striped mane reminds me why she caught my eye in the first place. She giggles, pumping joy into my worn body.

Farmers aren't supposed to live a life of excitement or intrigue. That's sort of the whole point to farming: live for the land, the sunrise, the changing seasons, the interminable constancy of work and family and tradition. My father and his father before him worked apple orchards around Equestria. My newborn son, when he's big and strong and red like an apple, will work my orchard, then move off to start another of his own.

Perhaps, like me, he'll find himself hemmed in by the monotony, the loneliness, the isolation. He'll feel like a sheep in a pen whose bars are tradition and work and family. He'll end up doing what everypony expects him to until one day, when he sees his wife going into labor, his mind will snap. Like a fisher who's fallen under the ice, he'll struggle for breath, beating against his cage, until some snazzy unicorn with a light step and a quick eye reaches down and saves him.

She slides over, places a hoof across my chest, looks up at me. "You've never done this before, have you? Played around, I mean."

I can barely look at her now. If the mirror weren't on the opposite side of the hotel room, I'd barely be able to look at myself. Celestia, I didn't even have the decency to leave Ponyville.

"Well, there was last week..."

"You know what I mean, silly."

I nod. "I never asked for much. Always thought I had the life I wanted, you know? Turns out I was just doin' what everypony wanted me to do. An' now it's too late to change."

On the floor beside the bed, my leather Stetson rests against her straw boater. The apple I brought her sits near them, browning where I cut off a slice. I had held that slice in my mouth to feed to her; our foreplay had been kissing and chewing. She lays her head against my chest; I can feel her heart beating. No doubt my wife felt the same when Macintosh was still inside of her. My throat closes.

"I gotta get back," I mumble.

"Go on," she says, with a smile. "Go be a good father. You're the type who can. You know how to find me, if you ever need anything."

I kiss the tip of her horn and she shivers.

"Thanks," I say. As an afterthought, as though I have to remind myself of her name before forcing it through my lips. "Snowie."

She shoves me, but I can still feel the playfulness coming through the motion. "Thanks yourself, Golden. You stay outta trouble now, you hear me?"

"I will."

I won't. I've licked the razor's edge, stood on the cliff above raging waters, tasted the brown slice of apple, and that rotten sweetness can't be substituted by any flavor.

"Golden Delicious, it's been a while," she says with a smile that is half smirk. "A whole year, I think. Didn't imagine I'd see you again. What's got your goat?"

She hasn't changed one jot. The boater looks ridiculous with her chiffon dress, and I think she knows it. The yellow is garish against her coat but I tell her she's beautiful anyway because it's true.

"How d'you know somethin's got my goat?"

Her eyes roll. "Why would we be in Baltimare tonight if something hadn't?"

"Maybe I like the place," I lie. The Baltimare docks offer spirited nightlife. Buttered seafood mounds in abundance. Alcohol-fueled revelry is the daily norm instead of a weekend special. As I sip cider with her under the soft light reflected on the waterfront, I imagine that I can taste the apples' origin, that they came from my orchard. It makes me feel like I belong here.

"Havin' another foal," I tell her at last, and she nods, places a hoof on mine.

"It doesn't seem like you want to."

I pull away, look away, down another gulp.

Her hoof relaxes. "You don't have to explain yourself to me, you know. I'm not the one judging you."

This gets me to look at her. "Then who is?"

I can't help but think that her smile is sad. "You are."

Doesn't that just explain everything, then.

The night is filled with cider and dancing and sweat and breath and I tell her I love her but I'm not sure it's true. She doesn't seem to care; she only laughs her laugh that makes everything all right. We lie together under a tree in a park, where we think nopony will see us, but secretly hope that they do and say, That there sure is a young, carefree couple in love but dear Celestia, I wish they'd find a room! and maybe it will be true.

When we've finished, she looks at me and says, "Would you do something for me?"

"Anything."

Her hoof slides up my chest, ruffles my coat. It tickles. "Get me some cider next season? I bet yours is loads better than what they have here."

My heart swells with pride, or maybe it's my head swelled with alcohol. "Of course!" I'm far too eager, to full of grins, but I would move the moon for this mare. I wish I could say that about my other mare.

"You're doing it again."

"Doin' what?"

She chuckles and kisses me under the chin. "You're thinking about her, aren't you?"

"Her who?"

"You know what I mean." She stretches, lets out a sigh, levitates her rumpled dress over. "Guess it's time to call it a night."

She stands and I sigh. "I wish..."

She hesitates. There's an edge to her voice. "Wish what, Golden?"

My face flushes. I shouldn't have said that. "I wish I could bring you home. Have you help around the house or somethin'. We hire workers all the time, wouldn't be anything out of the ordinary. We could spend more time together."

"And have a better chance of being caught." She makes me feel like a schoolcolt being chided by his teacher. "Not to mention one unicorn in your earth pony orchard would stand out just a little, hmm?"

She takes my chin in her hoof, turns my head, forces me to look at her. Her eyes are deep pools covered in blue ice. "Listen to me, Golden. I'm just a figment. Or, if you want to continue this, a promise. What I'm not is real. Remember that: I'm not real. This is all just a dream, and in the morning you'll wake up and go back to your farm and your wife and your one and a half foals, and none of this will have mattered. You got that?"

The sting of her words forces tears to my eyes, but she's right. "A dream. I got it."

"Sorry." Her smile carries not apology, but sympathy. "Sometimes things like that have to get out into the open." She smiles, kisses me once more, gathers her dress and hat, and stands. "Walk me back to the hotel?"

I walk her back to the hotel, feeling like a rube. Why would I let myself get attached to this mare, this figment? I'm green as a new apple, yet I'm rotten to the core.

"My mother-in-law's movin' in with us."

We're shopping in Manehattan, Saddle's Fifth Avenue. She doesn't have expensive tastes necessarily, just a large appetite for clothing and accessories that I cannot help but indulge.

"That would put anypony on edge," she says brightly, without taking her eyes from the ensemble currently hovering above her head.

"The farmhouse is big enough and all. Applejack'll even have her own room once she's grown. But..."

She turns to me, lifts her sunglasses. I don't know why she doesn't have the hat today, but the lack of it makes her seem unreal. Maybe she's just part of my imagination after all.

"But you're worried about having to share the house with a stranger, whether she's your wife's kin or your own."

I nod and swallow. "Worried she'll see through my excuses. I've lived with a Smith long enough to know how cagey the mares are. 'S why we ain't seen each other for a while."

She laughs, but no merriment is there. "I seem to recall a certain night outside Hoofington not that long ago..."

I blush, say nothing, let another dress flop onto my back and hope the added weight won't cause them all to shift onto the floor. Outside, ponies screech at each other, trying to scream their way through traffic. I suppose there are reasons I prefer the country.

"All right," she says, turning from the racks, "I think that's good for today. Will you be a dear...?"

"Of course." We go to the counter, to the bored pegasus, who rings each item through as slowly as he can, placing it in a bag. I feel like I want to be anywhere else, to run, to soar, to do anything that would make me move as fast as I can. I don't know what I want. Maybe it's just from having spent a whole day waiting.

"Oh." The pegasus looks at me, then at her, then pulls a clipboard out from below the counter. He holds it up, one eye squinting from her cutie mark, a hill blanketed in snow, to whatever is written on it. "Your name wouldn't be Snow Job, would it?"

She wrinkles her nose. "Who's askin'?"

The pegasus stares blankly at her. His words seem incapable of traveling at a reasonable speed.

"It says here I'm not supposed to sell to you until you pay your tab. No more loans."

She clucks her tongue, makes a disgusted noise, looks at me. "Could I ask you to...?"

"Ya don't even gotta ask." It's a hefty bill, far more than I was anticipating spending on her, but nothing I can't handle. My credit is good. We leave, her with a new sunhat and me with an aching back and five bags full of clothing I'll never likely see her in.

"I'm sorry about that," she says once we've exited the store. Her tone is so contrite that I can't imagine having any doubts as to her sincerity. "I promise, I'll make it up to you tonight."

With a soft laugh, she hip-checks me. I nearly lose control of the bags. That's all I needed to hear, though, to make my spirits rise.

Pride prevents me from letting her pay for dinner, even though it takes the last of my bits. I can't bring myself to watch as she pays for our hotel room. Once the bags are off my back, she's on it, kissing my ear, purring at me, dragging me into bed.

My world becomes a rocking boat. I didn't even know mares could do these things. I am tossed on her storm, give myself to the pounding waves, let myself fall beneath the surface and float back up to the ice once the waters have cooled. It's a long time before either of us can speak.

"Did you bring me an apple this time?"

"I did, but..." I have to catch my breath before continuing. "I think I lost it back around Bridleway."

She pouts; it's adorable. We rise again on the surf and break with a crash. I drink her in like a pony lost in the desert. There are no foals here, no orchards, no fences or wives or mothers-in-law. There are no apples save the one on my flank.

I only know we've finished because she looks exhausted. It's not a state I've ever seen her in. Then again, I can't be sure that I'm even alive anymore. She's always had that advantage of youth over me, but it's still a poor shield against unbridled passion. It's good to know she's mortal; she might even be real.

"Did I make it up to you?" she gasps, lying on her back, grinning, drunk.

"And how."

She laughs, moans, rolls over, sleeps. I run my hoof through her red and white mane, minding her horn. She is softness and curves, yet hard lines and boundaries at the same time. My brownness unifies her sections. I ponder that until I fall asleep.

Granny Smith, as she's called these days, is the one who insists on these weekly outings into town. I'd thought living with her would be an imposition, another knot in the noose, but though she's got my wife's fiery temper and spirit, she seems to know how to repair a marriage. For her meddling, I am grateful. There's a new eatery in town, a café, with reasonably priced food arranged in artful patterns on the plate. Eating it makes me feel like royalty. It's here, with Granny, Macintosh, baby Applejack and her mother, under the pastel umbrella and the clear blue sky, that I see her again, for the first time in months.

She's wearing a dark outfit I recognize from our Manehattan trip, sitting on a bench just down the road in a spot I could not help but see her in. The moment our eyes meet, she gets up and trots away.

"Whatcha lookin' at, sonny?" Granny Smith is in my personal space, eyebrow cocked.

"I, uh..." Placed on the spot, words fail me. I'd told them I was going to be at a farmer's convention that weekend. There had been one going on just outside Manehattan, true, but I'd only spent an hour or two there, to make the truth less stretchy. "I think I see somepony I met at the Manehattan convention. If y'all will excuse me a mite."

I leave the table, ignore the calls of my name, keep my eyes forward. She's ahead of me, sauntering slightly now. Something about her looks different. It takes all my willpower not to gallop after her, call her name, attract suspicion. As if I'm not suspicious enough already. She lets me catch up to her.

"What are you doing here? I'm out with my family..."

She's got the sunhat on, and sunglasses again. She draws them down her nose, looks up at me. Makeup has smeared down her cheeks. I wasn't expecting mascara, and the sight of those black streaks stills my tongue.

"Three guesses." Her voice is hoarse from crying.

I look at her again. Her face is flush, her cheeks full. Something in her stance is uncomfortable, like her saddlebags are unbalanced. Her knees tremble slightly.

"Oh no." I back up a step. "You can't be..."

"I am."

"Is it...?"

"They're yours."

How I don't end up on the ground, I can't be sure. Everything is spinning, turning black. My knees are weak. The ice is shattering. All I see is her mascara-blotched face, upturned, vulnerable. All I can think is, I'll be ruined!

"'They'?" It's the only word I can bring myself to say.

She hiccups and nods.

My mouth is dry. "Are... Can you be sure?"

"You're the only one so far this season." She seems almost reluctant to admit it.

I feel tears well. Something inside me is pressing against every surface of my body, straining to escape. We could have stopped this, from the very beginning, but I'd been afraid, afraid that buying contraceptives would give things away. "What do we do?"

"Well, you go on with your life." The venom in her voice is more bitter than an unripe crabapple. "And mine comes to a screeching halt." She lets out a sigh and I feel myself split in two.

"I could..." Could what? I can't think!

She scoffs. "What, take them in? Raise them as your own? And what about me? Become some nameless farm worker hiding a secret shame?"

I shake my head. "I can't accept them. They can't ever know." It feels so wrong to say. "No, I can't. I'm sorry." It would ruin me. "I'll help you, though. I'll send money. To the same address as the cider, right?"

"No. I've moved since then." She swiftly produces a card, slips it under the brim of my hat. Her eyes turn to my side, her sunglasses move back into position, and I am aware that my wife is right behind me.

"Ya mind introducin' me to your friend here, Golden Delicious?"

I hope the surprise doesn't show on my face. "Sweetie, this is..."

"Call me Snowie." Her voice holds no hint of her previous emotion. She holds out a hoof and they shake. "Golden and I were just chatting about some unfinished business."

"From the convention," I add.

"Pleasure." My wife doesn't seem pleased. Applejack, asleep on her back, squirms and coos.

"Ohh, and this must be Applejack! Golden wouldn't stop talking about her that weekend." Craning closer, she purses her lips at my daughter. "My, what a cute baby! And she's grown so much!" She looks to me, her smile wax. "You must be so proud."

"Heh, that I am!" I put an arm over Applejack and my wife. She's smiling now, won over. I don't have to worry anymore.

"Mama's gettin' tired," she says, inclining her head to me, "not to mention Applejack's late for her nap. We oughta get goin'. It was nice meetin' you though, Miss Snowie!"

"Nice meeting you as well!" She waves. "Golden, you'll think over my proposal, right? I'm sure we can come to an agreement."

I feel sweat bead at the edge of my hat band. "I will. Don't think it'll take much thinkin' on, neither."

"Well, ta then. Good seeing you again." She saunters off. My wife seems none the wiser. I have won.

But on the way back home, I can think of nothing but that 'proposal'. The farm's been in good condition lately. I have money to spare. But in the long run, will that be enough? Fair skies don't guarantee good crops.

Back in the orchard, I sit under a tree, paring the skin off an early fallen apple. In circumstances like this, tradition dictates that I be whistling a tune, but I'm spent. I can't do what's expected of me anymore, not like I have anything else to do.

I cut slices off, dropping them on the ground. I swear the wind bears her laughter. I shiver. This apple is black inside.

Author's Note

2nd place winner of the October 2012 Writeoff, "Deal With the Devil". Based off this prompt.

After The Perfect Pear aired, I thought back to this story and said to myself, "I could just change their names, it'll be fine!" But no, I can't lay this on Bright Mac and Pear Butter, they're too precious. D: This will remain a curiosity from the past, a way to explain why there would be unicorn twins with apple cutie marks that was simply overtaken by laziness and canon. Thanks to Cold in Gardez and everyone who gave me feedback in the writeoff; this is the original version, minus a few typo fixes, though.

The Zebra Manuscript

Present Perfect's Award-Winning Platefic, aka The Zebra Manuscript, aka Where Do Fillies Come From?

by Present Perfect except it's really mostly by the Ohio Bronies, especially Trombe. Text by the Ohio Bronies and I kind of tried to make it look more readable, which means lots of guessing as to where paragraphs go. D:

For my live reading of it (and explanation of what the story was meant to be), go here.

"Dear sister."

"Yes?"

"I feel a thirst I haven't recall nearly ever to me." Canterlot - Royal Library, yet there ill remember one questionnaire. fat. that alludes my grasp. i hang to you, sister, with a quesadilla.

Celestia rented her most habitat mile and individualized hand to her Tinker.

Oh come, sister, you have not to ask she ripped her from in the younger winter bloodshed Sasquatch. You two fillies, come here! Come out immediately cowled on delay!

Wha... what? Celestia snowblowed the ------ the Legend Snausage Dolphin. You mean you don't know? I know where tenth and I come home of stone, but we are immortal. It the inseparable martyr equator of which I can find no shining solution.

Celestia Dremel the mint. Reallow me, I feel your pony... dear Riddler. Revisory of Cloudsdale is coastal by Navy. I see the Witherspoon Pony Settlement. Equestria drifting seebly in the sky above the mountain plasma.

Sister, you mom of his come for Cloudsdale?

Garden center, I'll never set the pointer if you so redemption. I Flavr-Ice rice. Please cushion, yet there is an odor... much within the Cloudsdale in which few ponies Isabell. Be down at Gotham render.

The upper administrator bitten on wizard winds is darkness and old. In cilantro, our mad lunarium, ponies with wimpy arm at tonight dojo. It is the beyond mortal which spine so when this hive of the like Him pony. The communism TV custodian of soda-pop, the web love that cloudsdalium recycle clouds in new Earth, so no... yes! Old roach Nottingham into new! Eleventh, but Slytherin.

Interruption lemon, lawn climbed her bed carefully. But I can see where this is going. Mortal ponies die of me reborn - in this Slytherin. It's simple, really.

(Eden's right. If we sell La Yo-Yo quick, I sandwich relish yard.)

Celestia sighed. Luna, dear, is none of this Roy, the just that?

"I see, I'm sorry sister. Please archive 5 - Wait, interrupt admin. 11 - there were Les Misérables.

Zeta and Quote, who were madly in love with one another. Zeta was a Reclaimer. Me who Garland, newly released towel. Low, behidden in the Hall of Crystal, where forge-like Quote, meet the medic, old the wish of rebirth. BOMB! For new lines.

Afro in the item, day crystals... were the retainers. They drew out the memorial and expiring of the reclaimed soil, re-searching them in the crystals to keep a record of all life in Equestria. One retainer, Oscar, was die in Luna with Qwimp, but she deaf did not return his lame. No matter how hard he mined, he was in heat! Antonio at Wireless eats macaroni side, ignored by the object of his affection, had helped Elles heat of blackened Lee colors. His age timed in a wind.

The soldier, Zeta, who was already... unaware of the Retainer's feelings. Their hulu was such that they never crowned pony, yet Oscar would the design at Zeta, would on Elle mile deliver's... and chain with Quote - Oscar. With Lee's knowledge of sensation in Equestrians, boulder Lee's sure of Seimenz. Luffa, for no way he ate Zeta out of Lee's way! [redacted]

Through Ever, the magical balaclava hedgehog, formal a spell - item the itinerary speech atomic. Brown mortar hive when Equestria was not in milk. Itinerary neighbor. He studied the ice, and put a plan into action.

One day, Zeta sought a pine of soda. Ignite Italy! Of Crystal! Oscar, yet a howling mind, into her! They Sega a glow. Anteater by either Zeta or Queen as they spoke. Suddenly, Oscar (in the corner) is his plan. The pumpkin to them, shouting for Queen at his bunk, overhorned Zeta! The skilled Zeta to the floor on the MC Spell, Kinsey scale effect! The sounds embryo in springtime explosion of south Zeta and Oscar were amphitheatre-reduced to student. Queen reminded him, named and broke.

The realization that ocean had lowered her... just a munch... on Zeta had unnamed out ocarina plot. Twist her forearm loner, olé! Pixel der mon death. Zeta, her list - companionship - and Oscar, the high-seemingly mobile swanthie, her henshin begins to fear her worst. Until one day she would hide it no more!

I'm so torn, she swilled to one lemming fire. I cannot move beyond them nor can I molasses feelings for them. I am torn! Oh so torn! Shall I be?

She called me to the water, whipping then wound, knelt at their gremlin. Fury! Fury, just her cooler. She became a million tiny pieces, which Swedish the crystal - imbuing them with her aura.

This has the den, then in a much higher chance that new coal will be flora windmill. Ball that it is, there are many more filly. Then alter, Equestria.

Celestia closed her eyes and became her sister. Luna is behind her for warmth.

"Celly."

"Yes, Luna?"

"That was terrible." Why wouldn't there be some water? Time to ashes are reduced, I don't know the winds. Well, not to mention, there are no cheese bulletproof, no ultimate bad, the plot is extremely implified.

Celestia sighed. Well, what did you expect, sister? I wrote it for Pinkie's cookout.

Luna rolled her eyes. I'm going to go mine the room. I'll see you tomorrow, sister. With that, she trotted away.

I love you too, Luna. Celestia, with mighty of guilt, she Sharpied fire to her teeth and then misled at you.

Royal ashes, did you expect?

THE END

Twilight's Guts

Pain overwhelmed. Twilight's vision blurred as darkness closed in around the edges.

I can't believe this is the end for me. I had so much left to do...

A sob caught in her throat. Visions of Celestia, Shining Armor, her friends and Spike flashed through her mind.

Don't give up, Twilight! You can figure something out!

She swallowed, wrenched her eyes open, and looked down at herself. And that's when things got weird.

Her abdomen had been torn open, a certainly fatal wound. Yet what looked like blood at first glance was more viscous and smelled of tomatoes. Her intestines spilled out of her, but they were cold and yellowish, and not tubes at all. There were also little colorful bits mixed in amongst the various other substances.

Having studied more than a few treatises on pony anatomy, Twilight was pretty certain that ponies were not in fact filled with ketchup, sprinkles and cold spaghetti.

"What in the hay?" It was perhaps not the proper response, but it was all she could think to say.

The pain stopped, her vision recovered. Testing a leg, she found it not shaky at all, and stood. The fake guts slid off, revealing her belly to be whole, if ketchupy.

"What in Equestia is going on?"

"Didja like it, Twilight? Huh, huh?"

Twilight recoiled with a shout as Pinkie Pie bounced into her personal space.

"Pinkie, what's going on?"

Pinkie tapped Twilight's horn. "You said that you were having a bad day and needed to spill your guts to me about something. But that sounded painful and gross, so I thought I'd make fake guts instead so you wouldn't get hurt!"

Twilight's mouth hung open. "Pinkie..."

"Of course, I don't know what guts look like, so I made stuff up! Then I added sprinkles for extra fun, because sprinkles make everything better!"

"Pinkie..." Twilight's eye twitched.

"So do you feel any better, Twilight? Did I do a good job?"

Twilight slapped her face with one hoof and shoved the other in her friend's mouth. "Well... whatever it was that was bothering me, I've certainly forgotten it now. But if all of that was fake, why was I in so much pain?"

Pinkie spat the hoof out. "Oh, that's easy! You kept moving around, so I knocked you out first!" She grinned, pleased with herself.

"I..." Twilight's eyes threatened to pop. "Nevermind, Pinkie. Just, nevermind."

Author's Note

Written for Tactical Rainboom's Microfic Madness, based on the prompt "Not what it seems".

Movin' on Up

Movin' on Up
by Present Perfect

The earth shook. Trees uprooted. Fire rained from the sky.

"Celestia!" cried Twilight Sparkle. "What's happening?"

As ponies rushed helter-skelter through the streets, Twilight cast a concerned glance to her assistant. Spike had a far-off look in his eye.

"It's time," he murmured, explaining nothing. "It's come."

Casting her questions aside, Twilight tried to formulate a plan.

"If I could just cast a spell... But Shining Armor's protection field doesn't extend underground."

"Twilight!" shouted Rainbow Dash. "What's happening?"

As ponies rushed helter-skelter through the streets, Rainbow Dash cast a concerned glance at her friend. Twilight had a far-off look in her eye.

"I understand," she murmured, explaining nothing. "It's time."

Casting her questions aside, Rainbow tried to formulate a plan.

"If I could just go fast enough... But I can't Sonic Rainboom underground!"

"Rainbow Dash!" yelled Rarity. "What's happening?"

As ponies rushed helter-skelter through the streets, Rarity cast a concerned glance at the pegasus.

"Oh my gosh," she murmured, explaining nothing. "It's true..."

Casting her questions aside, Rarity tried to formulate a plan, but a brown hoof stopped her.

"I'll be in this fanfic now," Dr. Whooves said.

"Time Turner!" Rarity exclaimed. "What's..."

"Ah-ah!" Dr. Whooves stuffed a hoof in Rarity's mouth. "That's enough of that! Derpy!"

Derpy showed up. "Oh, Doctor! There's a huge green thing that I saw! It looks like a giant poop!"

"Thank you, Derpy," said the Doctor, exasperated. "That will be enough."

The ground beneath them shook, because it had been shaking this whole time. There really weren't any trees left, not even Fluttershy. I kind of forgot about the fire, so let's just say some things were burning in the background and leave it at that, okay?

"We, and by 'we', I mean all of Ponyville, is trapped in a time loop!" cried the Doctor with his voice. "All I have to do is jimjam some timey-wimey flippity-floop into the Tardis, and allons-y, we'll be fine! Or get blown to atoms." He tapped his chin. "That wouldn't be too awful, considering."

So then he did all that stuff and the shaking didn't stop.

"Well, isn't that a pisser."

Then there was a pop!

"Ah like Apples," Applejack drawled southernly.

From the center of Ponyville, a face appeared. It was big, green and covered in gems and derp.

"Drurrrp!" it said.

And that's how Crackle got a job.

HET NED

Author's Note

This was written for the Trotcon 2012 speedfic competition, where it placed distinctly nowhere. Based on the prompt "Crackle comes to Ponyville" and other stupid shit. :V

A Tsundere Diamond Tiara Schoolyard Romance Story

A Tsundere Diamond Tiara Schoolyard Romance Story
by Present Perfect

One day it was schoolyear recess times and Diamond Tiara was standing in the scholyard with the fillies

"Wow" she said "that apple bloom I do not like her at all"

"Haha yea lol" said Silver Spoon

"We should go kick her in the lfank that is also blank"

"This is a good idea Diamond Tiara"

So they went over to Apple Bloom and kicked her until she fell down and cried. Cherile did not see this because she was drinking or screwing Big Mac or something I dunno

Then When Apple Blom fell down she cried and Diamond Tiara got day by which I mean sad I can't type right now

"Whoa hey don't cry you little shit" she said, not looking to her

"But you hurt me ow" Apple Bloom accented

"haha wow she's crying what a baby" chirped spilver spon

"gosh darn" said Diamind and kicked at the ground "Hey like we just wanted to make some fun of you not to make you cry okay stop geez"

Apple Bloom sniffed and I guess her friends weren't around? "Well don't be so mean."

"LIke, it's what we do" Said Silver Spoon but then Diamond Tiara cut her off wow her name is long

"Hey, don't think I'm being nice to you, you yellow jerk"

"Well I don't." Appl Bloom huffed and looked away

"Okay well just remember I don't like you"

"Ah dunt lahk yew neither" Apple Bloom finally got her accent back

"nd then they turned away and blushed a lot and there shouldn't have been a quote mark at the start of this sentence

but then iamond Tiara walked away from Apple Bloom and her heart went doki doki

And Silver Spoon had no idea what was going on she was too busy voguing

Late that night, Diamond Tiara pulled out her pony plush that looked like Apple Bloom and snuggled with it in her bed as she went to sleep.

"Stupid b-baka" she said to herself.

The End

Author's Note

Jake the Army Guy: https://derpiboo.ru/tags/tsundaria
Present Perfect: hahaha
Present Perfect: she's still not as good as sonata tho :B
Jake the Army Guy: well, of course not
Jake the Army Guy: but Aria is best Tsundere
Jake the Army Guy: now that Trixie is taken
Present Perfect: is anyone else in this show anywhere near as tsundere?
Jake the Army Guy: hmm...
CyborgSamurai: diamond tiara, maybe.
Jake the Army Guy: yeah, for Apple Bloom
Present Perfect: actually, that was the first thing that came to my mind
Present Perfect: haha
Jake the Army Guy: are there any good Tsundere DT fics?
Jake the Army Guy: well, probably most of them
Jake the Army Guy: but like, any good schoolyard romance, types?
Present Perfect: I'll write you one Jake

Also John Perry told me not to edit it.