Epic Pony Rap Battles Of Equestria

by Everfree23

Rating: everyone
Tags: Main 6, Other, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Crossover, Random, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3047

A series of rap battles that help ponies settle their arguments all over Ponyville, and maybe someday, all of Equestria!

After Pinkie and Gilda get into a large fight during her visit, Pinkie decides enough is enough. She calls on Twilight, and finally convinces her to conduct one of her world famous rap battles that she hasn't performed since fillyhood so she can settle her problems with a certain feathered flaw. All Pinkie's hope rests in Twilight, and after the battle, Twilight feels more refreshed than ever. Are there any other ponies in town that are feeling sort of down?

Published 2013-06-03 22:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-06-06 01:15:07 UTC

Pinkie Vs. Gilda

Fluttershy ran off in tears, leaving Pinkie gaping in utter shock. "Hey! Gilda!" Pinkie shouted over the crowd, stepping away from her table. Everything fell silent. "Hey, it's that pink dork again." Gilda smirked.

"What you did to Fluttershy was so super duper meanie pants! Go say sorry right now!" Pinkie growled.

"Hmm...no." Gilda replied.

"Don't try me Gilda!" Pinkie snapped, leaning forward.

Gilda narrowed her eyes. "You think you're more powerful than I am, twerp?" Gilda snarled, grabbing Pinkie by the neck and lifting her up. Just as Pinkie was about to speak. Gilda squeezed hard, and dropped Pinkie. She was unable to speak for a second, holding her neck in pain.

Pinkie lifted herself onto her hooves, tears streaming from her big blue eyes. She sobbed, and dashed off in the other direction. Gilda smiled, and flew off. Pinkie finally slowed to a trot, and then a walk, sniffling as her tears slowed down.

"How on earth am I ever going to settle my argument with Gilda? My first shot didn't go so well...hmm...is there anypony I know in this town that knows how to settle an argument?" Pinkie thought aloud. "Applejack! She's always honest, she'll know who's right!" she squeaked, racing off for Applejack's.

"Sorry Sugarcube, but I just don't know. You're gonna need ta find somepony else tuh help y'all settle this!" Applejack coaxed. Pinkie Pie hung her head low.

"Oh, it's ok Applejack. I'll just find somepony else." she gave a weak smile. "Hmmm...maybe Rarity? No, she couldn't help me....Hmmm.....Oh, I know, Fluttershy! Wait...no...she's probably too upset to think about Gilda right now... I know! Rainbow Dash! No, no no! She's Gilda's best friend...TWILIGHT!" Pinkie babbled, racing off to Twilight's tree.

"Twilight?" Pinkie called as she knocked on the door. The door swung open, and Twilight stood there.

"Oh, hey Pinkie Pie! Can I help you with something?" she asked.

"Twilight, do you have any idea how to settle an argument?" Pinkie quietly pleaded. Twilight's eyes widened, and her mouth hung open.

"Pinkie, you know I haven't done..."that"...since I was a school filly!" she whispered in Pinkie's ear.

"I know Twilight, but..." Pinkie nearly burst into tears as she lifted her head to show Twilight the big red mark on her neck from earlier. Twilight gasped, and her face became very serious.

"Pinkie, usually I would never go back to doing "that", not after the accident. But, I guess I have no choice really. Who hurt you pinkie?" Twilight sighed.

Come to the first in Ponyville,
Epic Rap Battles of Equestria!

Later that day, ponies were gathering from all over Ponyville in the town square, where Gilda and Pinkie were snarling at each other on the stage while they waited for Twilight to set up her equipment. Then, the mic snapped on, and Twilight's voice shouted over the whole crowd.

"EPIC PONY RAP BATTLES OF EQUESTRIA!" The crowd burst into applause and cheering. Twilight's turn table started up, and the beat began.

"PINKIE PIE!"

\

"VS...GILDA!"

"BEGIN!"

Hey Gilda! Got something you want to say?
Like perhaps sorry for ruining my day?
You really are something, you weak feathered twit!
Maybe it's time for you and Dashie to split!
You think you're important but really what's true,
is that nobody, not even family will ever like you!
So stop being a dummy
or I might call on Gummy
'cause seeing him bite you would be, haha! Funny!

Stop lying to me Pinkie, you brat!
Your scruffy little pink mane reminds me of a rat!
You think that we like you, you think that we care.
But really we just see you as some dumb party mare!
Nobody likes you, Pie, can't you see?
Ugh, maybe this is why Dash left you for me!
You can't keep your head straight or shut up for two seconds,
to try and be much better is my recommendation!

So I like to party, got a problem with that?
I can eat many sweets and I still won't get fat!
You on the other hand, let's not talk about that.
You have about the slimness and charm of a rat!
Nobody likes you
Nobody needs you
Nobody wants you around!
So go back to where you came from, the Lost and Never Found!

My my my, what a joke of a pony!
'Can't wait 'till Dash finds out you're such a phony!
I've seen better party ponies at bus station rest stops,
I just can't wait until one of the balloons on your flank pops!
I want to make you feel as worthless are you are,
Why don't you drink yourself to death down at the bar,
Nobody cares if you would leave and go away,
because nopony in this town wants you to stay!

"WHO WON? WHO'S NEXT? YOU DECIDE IN THE COMMENTS BELOW!"

Twilight smiled and walked off the stage as the crowd applauded. Pinkie's eyes welled with tears as she thought about the idea of her drinking to death, or running away.

Gilda put on a smirk and a tough face, but really she was anxious and offended. Was she really fat? Was Pinkie going to send an alligator after her? She shook her head of the thoughts, and they both left the stage.

Twilight thought to herself. That was actually really fun! She should do it again! No, not after the accident in school. But she had so much fun! She just had to!

She cleared her throat as she walked back up onto the stage, an up to the mic. "My little ponies, if you are ever having a fight, come to me, and I can help you with a rap battle!" she informed, much to the delight of the crowd. Twilight then trotted home and opened the door with a sigh. She walked over to her book case and pulled out a tape. With hesitation, she popped it into the tv.

Diamond Tiara vs. Silver Spoon

The TV flickered on, and a video began. Twilight smiled slightly at the sight of herself as just a little filly. Two fillies stood in front of her, Saltlick, and Muffin Berry. Saltlick narrowed his readied eyes and took a deep breath. Muffin Berry nervously bit her lip, and pressed her haunches together. Twilight began the beat, and the raps began. Twilight smiled as Saltlick aside his blue mane.

Hey Muffy, my girl, keep you raps nice and slow,
I wouldn't want to rush you on your first rap, you know?
You took my book and glue and crayons too, pencils you chewed and gave away
Give back my stuff, and I mean TODAY!
You always say, "Oh I'll give you them later Salty"!
And by the way stop press your haunches, makes it look like you have to pee!
Just stop! Nobody cares, just shut your lips.
And like I mentioned before, stop chewing on my pencil tips!

Oh, my apologies salt!
How must I forget that your just a dumb colt?
You're fat and you're lazy and act way to boring!
When you do a presentation, you leave the class snoring!
Oh, did you complain so more like you always do?
About my haunches pressing? Yeah well once you did it too!
I don't care at all what you have to say, no way!
So I suggest that you just stay, away!
I have four hooves and I'm ready to smack, so if you want no marks, you'd better TAKE THAT BACK!"

Take it back? Are you crazy?
Or did my cool rhymes just make your little mind hazy?
Fat and lazy?
Don't joke!
Your raps are as hard as raw egg yolk!
All your threats are empty, alone and depressed!
Waiting in your mind so they can be expressed!
But you'll be running away crying by the next time your turn comes,
Horns vs. Wings? I know how to choose them!
Magic and flying, heck, magic can make you fly! I don't need wings to get up into the sky!
I have four hooves too, and I'm not afraid to use 'em!
You've got all these nasty tunes in your voice, just lose 'em!

I warned you, I told you, don't say I didn't!
Watch me, I'll prove it! You're weaker than a kitten!

Muffin Berry smirked and walked over to a nervous looking Saltlick. With one shove, he toppled over, but what was supposed to be just a simple tumble quickly turned terribly wrong. Tears welled in Twilight's eyes and trickled down her face as she watched the tape. Saltlick shrieked and Muffin gasped as Salt tumbled down the hill, and smashed his colt head into a rock. He was not sleeping, he was not unconscious, he was not ok. He was stone cold dead.

Twilight closed her eyes and began to sob. She looked away from the TV, only to find herself facing the window, where Scootaloo was standing, gaping at the TV. "Scootaloo!" gasped Twilight.

Scootaloo gasped and raced off, back to the barn. Twilight's thoughts whirled as she thought about what Scootaloo had seen. She popped the tape out and put it away, not being able to concentrate. She decided to go for a walk, to downtown Ponyville. She had always loved Downtown Ponyville. The air, the lights, the ponies. She was almost there, when her path was suddenly blocked by two fancy fillies.

"Scootaloo says you've seen a dead colt before!" Diamond Tiara shrilled. "But it's obviously nonsense, of course you haven't.".

"That's so not true, of course she has! It's obvious by the way Scootaloo said it!" Silver Spoon huffed.

"Well you didn't have to call me a liar!"

"Well you didn't have to call me a twit!"

"Girls, girls, please! Calm down!" Twilight coaxed.

"I want to have a rap battle!" Silver shrieked. Twilight sighed.

"Fine. I'll go get ready. Let's walk back." she sulked.

Finally done preparing, the beat began.

"EPIC PONY RAP BATTLES OF EQUESTRIA!"

"DIAMOND TIARA!"

"VS...SILVER SPOON!"

"BEGIN!"

Silver and gold
A wise man once said.
Oh wait, who was that man?
Yes, my daddy!
He's rich he's got power, you're just catty!
Nobody wants to see your ugly face you putrid fatty!
Just shut up!
Or nut up!
It's your decision
just please stop sticking your butt up!
Waving your cutie mark all around what does it even mean?
Probably that you're ugly
at least my cutie mark is nice and clean!
Lean!
You've never seen this much sheen!
It's like a dream!
Running on nothing but magical steam!
You have four eyes?
No, coke bottles on your face!
Just go and hide Silver, you're a disgrace!

Bump,
Bump.
Sugar lump rump!
All you ever do is have your jaw go pump pump pump!
You think that a diamond tiara makes you pretty.
You think that you can rap?
Yeah, no! That was just a little diddy!
I have thick glasses? At least that means I can see
the smooth and fabulous rhymes that are pouring out of me!
All around!
You can never escape
your fate!
Which is me, with my raps I'll make you deflate.
My raps are as smooth and yours are horrifying,
I'm rapping dope flows while you're learning the steps of mane dying!
I can't believe that you're so cold!
You're raps are old
so I've been told
your face is mold
You're uncontrolled
And now I'm nearly done
I hope you liked your scold!

Oh Silver, how hurtful!
Turning on a best friend.
I could easily bring you to your very end.
I'm not a liar, you're just much too scared to hear the truth!
You call my raps old when yours are OBVIOUSLY lacking in youth.
Too scared for big words? Really? Well you're being tormented
You demented little scum on the street!
Are you finding it hard to stay atop the beat?
The verbal beatdown I'm giving you just ain't enough?
C'mon Silver,
I thought you were tough!

I think you're being farfetched Diamond,
No matter what you try you'll always come out second.
Nobody wants you around, so just get back on the ground,
yes you deserve it, Little Miss Lost and Found!
Well, of course that's your title, where did you get your clothes?
Oh that's right, I just said where your money goes.
Not! You liar, you have no money to spend!
Sorry Tiara but this just has to be your end!

"WHO WON? WHO'S NEXT? YOU DECIDE IN THE COMMENTS SECTION BELOW!" Twilight hollered over the screaming crowd. Diamond snarled as she left the stage. Damn it, she won! she thought to herself.

Scootaloo vs. Apple Bloom & Sweetie Belle

Scootaloo pinballed frantically around town, trying to tell whoever she could and the colt she had seen. Finally coming to a halt at the clubhouse, she flung herself at the door and burst in. Sweetie Belle and Applebloom stared at her, shocked. "What are ya doin', Scoot? Ya broke the bucking door off!" Applebloom exclaimed angrily, pointing at the empty door hinges.

She turned to Sweetie Belle, and gasped. The door had smash into her, pinning her against the wall and knocking her out cold. "Sweetie Belle!" she gasped, lunging at her friend and shaking her.

"Applebloom, guess what I saw on Twilight's TV? It was a-" Scootaloo started.

"Sweetie Belle, wake up, are y'all ok now? Sweetie Belle? Sweetie Belle!" Applebloom cried as she shook her fellow crusader. "AppleBloom! It was a dead-" Scootaloo tried to explain.

"Scootaloo, not now!" Applebloom hissed. "Sweetie Belle, Sweetie Belle!". Finally, Sweetie Belle's eyes flickered open and she gasped a tiny puff of air.

"Oh, good! You're awake! I can finally tell Applebloom my story!" Scootaloo cheered. Both other fillies gasped, and Scootaloo gave a puzzled look. "Sweetie Belle, you can hear it too, of course." she assured, waving her hoof as if it was a completely obvious statement. Applebloom glared viciously.

"Yer best pal Sweetie Belle could have died 'cause uh yer dumb move, and all yah care about is yer darned story!" she accused, putting her hoof in the middle of Scootaloo's chest, pinning her there. "What's wrong with y'all!?" she hissed.

Sweetie Belle gave an upset look of anger and sadness, and looked at Scootaloo. "You didn't even care!" she teared up as she walked out of the clubhouse. She walked on and on, until she reached the boutique. She sighed, plopping down in the tree in front of it. Suddenly, a drop of water was felt on her coat. Then another, then another. it was raining, slowly and lightly at first, but then, heavily and quickly. Good. Under the cover of rain, nobody could see her tears. Slowly, she let them fall.
Like the rain, there were more and more as time passed.

"...Sweetie Belle?" asked a voice. "Ah knew y'all'd be here. This is yer spot when the world feels big." Applebloom layed down beside her friend. Sweetie Belle sniffled. "Sweetie, ah know what Scootaloo did was horrible, and ah don't expect y'all to forgive her any time soon. But y'all need tuh know, I'll always be here for y'all when ye'r sad." Applebloom smiled weakly, and lifted her friend's chin with her hoof. "Y'all can't let Scootaloo rule yah, we're the Cutie Mark Crusaders, and that means friends forever, Sweetie Belle. Everything will turn out ok, I promise!".

Tears trickled from Sweetie's eyes, but she wiped them away and took a deep breath before standing up, still letting her eyelids droop, and tear stains remain on her cheeks. "Let's do one of those thingies Twilight has, maybe. What's it called, an Awesome Song War or something?" she suggested.

"An Epic Pony Rap Battle of History? Sounds like a great idea!" Applebloom praised.

"EPIC PONY RAP BATTLES OF EQUESTRIA!" Twilight screamed.

"SCOOTALOO,"

"VS...SWEETIE BELLE AND APPLEBLOOM!"

"BEGIN!"

Really Sweetie, it was just a door!
How could something so meaningless pin you to the floor?
Worthless, horrid, disrespectful and weak!
What's that Weepy Belle? Too sad to speak?
I'm incredible at everything that has to do with anything
or nothing at all that has to do with your sad life and menacing.
You're useless, stupid, can't rap to save your life!
Not at all would I be surprised if someday you grew and had a wife!

Sweetie gasped, and felt the tears come again. She couldn't do this. Scootaloo had gone too far.
"Applebloom, I can't do this!" she sobbed. Applebloom gasped. She had to do something!

Scootaloo, you've gone over the line!
You're a bad friend, can't y'all tell that that ain't fine?
Sweetie Belle is sad! I better help her out!
Unlike you, who I couldn't give a flying feather 'bout!
Yer not a crusader!
Yer a betrayer!
A slayer!
You'll never be the mayor!
You're the worst friend in history,
why is a mystery!
Maybe it's 'cause yer all alone and y'all got no family!

Scootaloo's eyes welled with tears at the thought of her dead parents.

I can't BELIEVE YOU!
YOU'RE EVIL!
WITH NO CONSIDERATION!
THE SOLID CONCENTRATION OF MY RHYMES IS ENOUGH
TO BLAST YOU OFF TO A PLACE WHERE THE LOVE IS TOUGH.
I DON'T CARE ABOUT SWEETIE ANYMORE!
BOTH MY FRIENDS BETRAYED ME,
BOTH MY FRIEND'S ARE WHORES!

AM NOT!!!!!!

ARE TOO!!!!!!!

AM NOT!!!!!!!!!

ARE TOO!!!!!!!!!!

AM NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"STAAAAAAAAAHP!" Applebloom screamed, pulling a sobbing Sweetie Belle away from a soulless looking Scootaloo.

"No!" Sweetie Belle wailed.

YOU'RE A DEMENTED LITTLE ORPHAN
WITH NOTHING TO LIVE FOR!
WHY DON'T YOU JUST DIE NOW!
OR SPARE US ALL AND WALK OUT THE DOOR NOW!
WE HATE YOU! YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS ANYMORE!
I'M A BUCKING DICTIONARY, WANNA KNOW THE MEANING OF WHORE?!
I THINK NOT!
I'LL TELL YOU NOW,
IT'S SCOOTALOO!
I'M LEAVING! I'M SO TIRED OF BEING PLAYED BY YOU!

"WHO WON? WHO'S NEXT? YOU DECIDE IN THE COMMENTS BELOW!" Twilight screamed.

Sweetie Belle ran off in a hysterical fit of sobs. "Sweetie Belle, wait!" Applebloom called, and galloped a few step before stopping and turning to Scootaloo who was facing the ground but still looking at Applebloom, with her ears down. "Ah hope ya'll'er happy now." Applebloom scowled, and began to gallop again.