Color me Rainbowby Prince ColgateChaptersWorthlessBrokenWeakCleanWorthlessRarity shook her head and pushed away the tasty-looking cupcake that Pinkie Pie had offered her. “Terribly sorry Pinkie, but I simply cannot eat another bite.” It was Rarity’s birthday, so Pinkie had thrown a party, of course. Unlike most of her other parties, this one was a little more civilized, with the group mainly sitting at a table eating and chatting. It was very befitting of Rarity's personality. The table was covered in tasty treats. Cupcakes, chocolates, muffins, you name it. All the sweets were decorated in ornate fashions, to simulate a feeling of class. The only pony this really mattered to was Rarity, but it was her party, so it made sense. “Are you sure! They’re really tasty!” Pinkie frowned. “Yes, I really must watch my calories. A lady has to watch her figure.” She turned to Rainbow Dash, who was sitting next to her shovelling cupcakes into her mouth. “I say, Rainbow Dash, how DO you eat so horrendously and yet maintain such a perfect build?” “Hm?” Rainbow stopped and swallowed. “Oh, I’m just so awesome, I never gain weight!” “Well, that metabolism definitely won’t last forever. Hasn’t that ever crossed your mind?” “Nah, I’m too cool for that. I’ll always be exactly the right weight. ‘Cause I’m perfect!” She continued shovelling in the cupcakes. “Ya know” Applejack started from across the table, “Rarity has a point. Ya sure do eat a lot of unhealthy eats. And you sure ain’t always burnin’ it off workin’, ya lazy filly.” “Don’t worry yourself, I know what I’m doing.” Rainbow reassured Applejack. “I work it off in my own ways.” Still not entirely convinced, Applejack decided to let it go for now, and the ponies all returned to their celebration of Rarity’s birthday. After the party, everypony shouted “Happy Birthday” to Rarity and headed off to their respective homes. All except for Fluttershy who followed closely after Rainbow Dash. “Rainbow are... Are you okay?” She asked softly. Rainbow Dash stayed ahead and didn’t look back at the yellow pegasus. “I’m fine.” There was a slightly heavy tone to her voice. “Oh... It’s just I... Worry about you. I mean, I know you’ve had... Issues before, and...” “I’m fine.” The rainbow pegasus cut her off, this time a little more abrasively. Fluttershy was quiet for a few moments, but kept following her. “I just... Please be careful...” “I’m FINE!” Rainbow snapped back at Fluttershy. Fluttershy stopped with a light tremble, then nodded softly, and turned and headed to her cottage, deciding to give Rainbow some space. She was gravely concerned about Rainbow Dash, as she had known her to have some issues in the past. However, she knew the best thing to do right now was to let it go. Rainbow Dash arrived at her home. She stood in her living room, and took a moment to reflect. “I’m perfect.” She said, quietly. “I’m awesome. I’m what everypony wishes they could be!” Her voice seemed to tremble slightly. She turned and stared at a door at the end of a hallway. The door lead to her bathroom. She felt her stomach sink under the weight of all the sweets she’d eaten. She’d made a mistake, and she knew it. Knowing she had to fix her mistakes, she made her way to the the bathroom. There, she stopped and took a long look in the mirror. Anypony else would look at that reflection and see a young, healthy filly (if not a little underweight). Rainbow, however, saw something else. Look at yourself, she thought. You’re disgusting. What were you THINKING tonight!?” Dash looked down at her stomach, which seemed to bulge slightly from being over stuffed. She tried to shut out the nagging voice in the back of her head, but she knew she couldn’t. It was there to stay. Why would the Wonderbolts want somepony like you? You’ll NEVER be on their level, not like this! She closed her eyes, fighting back tears. “I... I can’t...” You’re weak. You’re pathetic.You’ll never amount to anything. Looking in the mirror, all she could see was a mangled husk of her former self. Her face was bulgy and messy, her neck hidden by triple chins, her mane dry and faded. She looked down at her hoof, which rested beside the sink, and braced herself, cringing, for what she felt she had to do. A few seconds later, she pulled her hoof out of her mouth, and a portion of Rarity’s birthday confections came out with it, splattering inside the sink. Her legs trembled as she looked down at the previous contents of her stomach. She coughed lightly, wishing this could be the end of it. A few seconds later her hoof was back in her mouth, bringing up another wave of half-chewed cupcake, which gradually filled the sink, too thick to go down the drain. She turned on the faucet to help clean up, and looked back up at the mirror. Her face had grown pale. Worthless. This time she turns to the bathtub, pulling up another wave of wasted sweets. Her throat begins to hurt from her hoof slamming against the sides, and the stomach acid coming out now with each heave. Useless. She collapsed to her knees, leaning over the edge of the bathtub. Her hoof knocks against the bones at the back of her throat. With a heavy heave, she feels one snap and come out with the next wave of cupcake. Her esophagus ached from the heaving, and she could feel a part of it ripping away, dangling loosely in her throat. Pathetic. Small amounts of stomach contents and blood pour out of her mouth as she tries to stand back up. Her legs are too weak, and she falls back down over the bathtub. She sees the severed bone floating in a small pool of blood and chocolate. Still feeling full, she shoves her hoof back into her mouth, bringing up a desperate finally heave, most of which is a mixture of blood and stomach acid, and saliva, barely any food left in her stomach. The tiny bit of flesh shakes with the heave, growing looser and looser. She lets her head hang over the side, before finally attempting to stand up again. This time she’s successful, but just barely. She stands on wobbly legs, looking at the mess of red and pink all over her bathtub and sink. Breathing and sweating heavily, she turns to exit the bathroom. Lonely. She tenses up suddenly on her way out, and feels another heave come up, and collapses to her knees, launching what little stomach contents remained across the floor. Among this last expulsion lies the bit of flesh, which had finally worked its way free, letting out another batch of fresh blood. Afterwards, she gags and coughs for a few moments, then finally gets herself under control, and curls up on the floor, tears starting down her face. So lonely. A feeling of emptiness washes over her. A steady stream of blood poured from her mouth from her shredded esophagus. She hated this more than anything, but she had no other choice. Her friends wouldn’t look up to her as much if she was fat and ugly. She felt empty, and alone. Though she was surrounded by caring friends everyday, at the end of the day she was alone. And this was how it had to be. Nopony could know her secrets. Nopony could know of her imperfections. She’d set a pretty high standard, and nopony could see her break that. Nopony could know how she really felt. Stumbling out of the bathroom, Rainbow feels a slight tinge of relief as she regains her composure. She heads to the kitchen for a drink, to wash down the blood and any remnants in her throat. Fluttershy’s attempt to help her earlier hurt her now. She couldn’t imagine how Fluttershy would react if she saw her right now. Broken“Rainbow?” Dash could faintly hear a voice as she slowly regained consciousness. “Ya alright, sugarcube?” She opened her eyes to see Applejack’s blurry figure standing over her. “Oh, hey Applejack...” Rainbow sat up slowly. The world was spinning, and she’d forgotten why she was unconscious on the ground. She looked around and realized she was in the orchards at Sweet Apple Acres. “Howed I....” “Ya were flyin’ pretty recklessly. Ya took quite a hit. Ya’ll crashed into a tree.” She pointed to a nearby apple tree that had some bark missing and some branches broken. Rainbow cringed, wondering how she could make such an amateur mistake. “Ah never seen ya fly THAT recklessly before.” “Oh. Well, I was...” At that moment she knew exactly what happened. She was still a little light-headed. “I was tired.” She lied. “Oh really?” She gave her a questioning look. Applejack was never and easy pony to fool. She’d gotten away with it at Rarity’s party, but she doubted she’d have as much luck this time. “Why were ya flyin’ if you was so tired?” “Because I... Had work to do?” Of all times to do this, Dash thought right now was the worst possible time. She was still dizzy from the crash, and still light-headed from dehydration. “Uh-huh. In Sweet Apple Acres?” “Um... Weather, stuff.” “Then why were ya flyin’ so low?” “I... Um...” Rainbow Dash just couldn’t find words for an excuse. She felt herself slipping back into unconsciousness. The crash had just taken away whatever little bit of energy she had left. “Rainbow?” Applejack’s voice sounded distant now, though she was still hovering over the blue pegasus. She slowly closed her eyes, letting the world around her drift away. “Rainbow!” Dash wasn’t sure where she was now. Wherever it was, it was cold, and dark. And empty. She couldn’t hear Applejack’s voice anymore. It had started to get fainter and fainter, until it was gone. She could hear other things though. Birds, wind, her own heartbeat. They were all growing fainter. At this moment, the first thought that came to Dash’s mind was that she was dying. Every vague connection she had to the world seemed to be collapsing. She could no longer smell the gentle, sweet smell of apples. She could no longer taste the vial tastes that fill her mouth on a regular basis. She could no longer feel her broken throat bones or shredded esophagus. She could hear, but just barely. She was no longer the Rainbow Dash her friends knew and loved. After an incident like this, they would certainly find out what she’d been doing to herself, and they would certainly no longer respect or love her. Everything she had built up for so many years was crumbling around her, and she couldn’t do anything about it. All she could do was listen. “Stupid ol’ Rainbow Dash.” She imagined everyone saying. “She’s a fraud! A phony! She ain’t nuthin’!” She wanted to cry, but she was out of tears. In fact, by this point there was barely any water in her system at all. Just enough to get by. Suddenly she heard voices. Loud voices. Screaming voices. “RAINBOW DASH! Is she alright!? She’ll be okay, right! What’s wrong with Rainbow!” The voices were real this time. “Someone get her help!” A wave of confusion came over her as she realized that these ponies were here for her, now of all times. Though she was a mangled husk of what was once the coolest pony in Equestria, they still came to her aid. Though she could never imagine why. Rainbow Dash slowly awoke in a large white room. It didn’t take her long to determine that she was dead, and this was Pony Heaven. She still couldn’t move, but her pain was gone. It must have been a long journey to get here, and she hasn’t fully woken up yet. “Dashie?” She heard a quiet, high-pitched voice from across the room. It sounded a lot like Pinkie Pie... But what was Pinkie Pie doing in Pony Heaven? Did she die too? Rainbow could see Pinkie hovering over her, holding in her hooves a single cupcake. “I baked you this... You’d better be okay!” She laid the cupcake on the table beside Rainbow. Rainbow Dash wanted to ask Pinkie what she was doing here, or why (and how) she would bring the recently departed pegasus a cupcake in Pony Heaven. It took her a while to realize she wasn’t in Pony Heaven, but actually in the hospital. She was pretty heavily medicated, which made it difficult for her to move or speak. She wanted to say “Don’t worry Pinkie, I’m alright.” But couldn’t. As though Pinkie could hear Dash’s vein attempt to speak, she smiled a little, before walking out the door. Why does she still care? Dash found the whole situation to be a little difficult to swallow. They wanted perfection. You’re not perfect. Why should they care? The only other visitor she was partially conscious for was Fluttershy. The yellow pegasus came in and hovered quietly over Rainbow Dash, a very concerned look on her face. Unlike the others... Fluttershy knew what was wrong with Rainbow. “Ahahah, you can’t catch me!” Rainbow Dash flew circles around Fluttershy, who watched quietly, a smile on her face. “Nope, I can’t.” She nodded. “No, you’re supposed to try and catch me!” “But you said I can’t...” “It’s a challenge!” “Oh... Well, I’m not good with challenges...” Rainbow stopped in front of Fluttershy and gave her a odd grin, then laughed. The two were younger, just barely mares. Fluttershy had come up from the ground to visit Dash, and Dash took them to a nice dinner in Cloudsdale. Even back then, Fluttershy was awed by Dash’s ability to eat so much yet gain no weight. “Rainbow Dash...” Her curiosity finally got the better of her at dinner that night. “Hm?” Rainbow had been gnawing down on a pretty good-sized carrot sandwich, and it certainly wasn’t her first that night. “How do you... If it’s not imposing... How do you eat so much, and stay so small?” Dash stopped eating for a moment and looked at Fluttershy. “Well...” She started. “I have this secret, to keep me looking good and in shape. I can eat all the food I want, and never gain weight, because I just immediately get rid of it all.” At the time, Dash failed to see how dreadful of an illness she had. At the time, she didn’t even consider it an illness. Just a useful trick. “What... Do you mean? Like... Work it off?” “No, that would be almost impossible! No, see, it’s science. Food goes down my throat like this.” She took a bite from her sandwich, chewed it briefly, then swallowed. “Then later, I just bring back up my throat, out of my mouth, and move on!” Fluttershy was silent for a few seconds, and she had an utterly horrified expression. “That... That’s terrible!” “Yeah, it kinda sounds gross, but it works.” “No I mean... That’s really bad. Like... Really unhealthy...” “Please, I’m ME, I think I know what’s good for me and what isn’t.” “But I...” “Trust me, I know what I’m doing!” “I... Okay.” Understandably, Fluttershy had often regretted her decision to just let it go with Dash. She always felt like she could have stopped Dash’s illness from progressing as far as it did if she had been more assertive. But it was too late now. “I’m sorry...” Fluttershy apologized to the pale, broken pegasus in the hospital bed in front of her. “I should have been more assertive... You were right.” Tears welled up in her face. She had never thought that something so simple could be so devastating. Rainbow Dash was confused, and exhausted, both mentally and physically. Still, she fought to stay conscious as Fluttershy hovered over her, crying softly. It was at this moment Rainbow realized the full effects of her habits. She wasn’t making everypony like her more like she’d always thought. In fact, she was hurting those she loved. By this point, Rainbow had fully remembered what had happened. She had another spout in her bathroom, one of the worse she’d had recently. She’d left afterwards, her balance off, and her body drained of vital liquids. At this point, she wasn’t thinking about the consequences of flying in that state. All she was thinking about was getting away from home for a while. Predictably, things took a turn for the worse. She started to feel light-headed, and eventually drifted heavily off-course, plummeting towards the ground. She rammed into a tree head-first at full speed, effectively knocking her out and giving her a concussion. As her memories became clear, something else became clear. She had to stop what she was doing. She could not keep doing this to herself, or to her friends. At that moment, she knew it was time to ask for help. WeakRainbow Dash spent around a week in the hospital. They treated her for concussion and dehydration, as well as a dislocated wing. Luckily, nothing was broken in the crash. However, the doctors seemed to completely overlook the damage to her throat. At the time, eating disorders were often overlooked in Equestria. When Dash got outside, she was met by a very serious-looking Applejack. “Ready tah ‘splain yerself?” Dash didn’t make eye contact with Applejack. She was ashamed of herself, and it showed. At this point, Applejack was incredibly worried about her friend, which also showed. Rainbow sighed, and decided to just give in and tell the truth. “I just want ponies to like me.” Rainbow Dash said quietly, after a long pause. Applejack gave a surprised look. “Of COURSE ponies like you! Ya’ll are our friend, and we love our friends.” Rainbow Dash shook her head. “You love me because I’m awesome, and because I’m fast and athletic. But sometimes it’s hard to keep up that image.” “Image? I thought ya’ll were just always like that.” “I try to be what everypony wants me to be... Because that’s the only way ponies will ever accept me. If I’m not awesome and cool, what am I?” Applejack put a hoof on Dash’s shoulder. “Our friend.” Dash finally looked Applejack in the eye. The realizations she’d had while unconscious finally started to fully sink in. Her friends don’t love her because she’s awesome, or because she’s fast and athletic. “I... I never thought...” Rainbow held back tears as the hoof on her shoulder slowly slid into a full hug. She was speechless, so she just returned the hug, and rested her head on Applejack’s shoulder. At this point, a single tear finally trickled down her face. She just could not hold it in anymore. She’d been holding it in for way too long. The realizations she had when she was unconscious never seemed more true. Her friends didn’t love her because she was athletic, or because she was cool, or because she was good-looking. Her friends loved her because she was Rainbow Dash. It would be nice to just think that after she left the hospital and had her touching moment with Applejack, everything was perfect with Rainbow Dash forever. It would be nice to think that she never had an episode again and that she no longer tried to be someone she wasn’t. However, old habits die hard, and none die quite as hard as an eating disorder. Rainbow Dash sat in her home, after another exciting party. She had overeaten again, and this time the other ponies seemed a little more uneasy about it. She had never explicitly told them what was wrong, but they all seemed to have a good idea. The blue mare had been fighting with herself all night. She knew she had eaten too much, but she was determined to just digest it naturally and be more careful in the future. Unfortunately, it wasn’t easy for her, and eventually she cracked under the pressure. She hurried into the bathroom, and before long had her hoof halfway down her throat again. “STOP!” She heard somepony shout at her after her first violent heave. She managed to compose herself long enough to see who it was. Much to her surprise, she saw Applejack standing at the door. “What... What are you doing here?” “I can’t let ya do this to yerself.” She slowly moved towards Dash. Dash tried to focus on Applejack, but the driving urge was too strong. She turned away and let lose another batch of fresh baked treats into the bathtub. More than anything she wanted to turn back around, to just look at Applejack, to not look at the bathtub. Another heave, riddled with blood and stomach acid. She lost her balance and fell forward into the tub. Lying in a pool of her own half digested waste, she kept going, letting it all come out. The tiny bones in the back of her throat were cracking against the pressure caused by her hoof being in her throat when she heaves. “STOP IT!” Applejack yelled again. Rainbow ignored her and continued to lay in the bathtub. She’d stopped heaving by this point, and was now just laying in a puddle of her own self-loathing. Finally, Applejack reached into the tub and pulled Rainbow out by the nape of the neck, and held her in front of the mirror. “LOOK AT YOURSELF!” She shouted at the helpless, have conscious pegasus. Obediently, Dash focused on the mirror long enough to see herself. It was at that moment she saw what everypony else had seen for so long. She was not fat. In fact, she was far from it. The most noticeable thing was her stomach. You could very clearly see the outline of her ribs, and her concave belly beneath them. Her legs were bony and thin, and her veins could be very clearly seen all the way down her to her hooves. Her face was probably the worst. Her cheeks were sunken and her chin was pointed. The only baggy part of her body was the area right beneath her eyes. Applejack sat Rainbow down gently, afraid of breaking her. Her friends had noticed this all along, but they all seemed to think it was just part of her accident, and that she was doing everything in her power to fix it. Sobbing heavily, she turned back to Applejack to apologize, but in her place stood Rainbow Dash. Not the broken husk of a pegasus laying across the bathroom floor. The real Rainbow Dash. Young, strong, fast, with plenty of meat on her bones. The younger Rainbow Dash stared at the broken Rainbow Dash. She didn’t say a word, but her expression said everything it needed to. “How did I ever get to this point?” In her youth, purging was just a thing she did on occasion if she over-ate every now and then. But now, it was a regular thing for her. She always felt like she was overeating. A leaf of lettuce was overeating to her by this point. The younger Dash’s expression was painful for the broken Dash. All she could do is stare up at her helplessly, tears flowing down her face. Finally, she blinked, and she was alone. Alone in her bathroom. Alone in her own personal hell. As awesome as she was... After all the hurdles she’d leaped by herself... This was one thing she just couldn’t conquer by herself. CleanNot fully ready to accept help from her friends directly, Rainbow Dash decided to try to get some information herself. She headed to the library one night, and was greeted by Twilight. “Oh, hello Rainbow.” She eyed Rainbow carefully. Twilight was very aware of Rainbow Dash’s recent, unhealthy appearance, but like all the other ponies, she was unsure whether or not Dash was getting better or not. “Hey Twilight.” Rainbow looked across a shelf of books, looking for anything that may be helpful. Twilight was a little concerned by how quiet Rainbow Dash was being... But she decided it was for the better to just let her browse in peace. She quietly stepped away and headed upstairs, leaving Rainbow Dash alone below. It was relieving to Rainbow Dash that Twilight didn’t really ask any questions. It might have been difficult for her to get out of explaining herself again. She continued to look for a book to help her, but after a while, she gave up, accepting that she was the only pony ever who had her problem. Dash returned home after failing to find a solution to her problem. When she got home, she felt ill. She had not even eaten much that day, but she still had a nagging feeling that she had eaten too much. Fighting the urges, she stepped back outside... At this point, it wasn’t just something she did on occasion to empty her stomach when she ate too much. It wasn’t something she did to keep slim. It was nothing less than an addiction, and it was just as deadly as any other addiction. It wasn’t long before she was in the bathroom, letting the tiny bit of substance her stomach had left into the bathtub. She screamed out in pain between heaves, no longer able to bear it. She broke down into a heavy sob, her hoof still halfway down her throat. “RAINBOW!” She heard Applejack shout again from behind her. This time, she wrote it off as another hallucination, and curled up on the floor, sobbing helplessly. If ever there was a rock bottom, this was it for her. “DASHIE!” Pinkie Pie’s voice. The rainbow-clad pegasus was too far gone to notice their cries. She was lost by now, and so she began to drift away from consciousness... Then suddenly, she felt herself moving. She opened her eyes to see the bathtub growing further and further away. Soon, she was out of the bathroom, being dragged away by an unseen force. Finally, she was in her living room, flat on her back. Her vision was very blurry, but she could faintly see a glass of water floated over her in a purple glow. It lowered to her mouth and poured a small sip of water. Dash accepted it, and swallowed it. It felt good... Very refreshing after what she’d been through. As Dash’s vision cleared up, she could see Twilight Sparkle standing directly over her to her right, and Applejack too her left. Fluttershy was standing beside Applejack, then Pinkie Pie beside Fluttershy. Lastly, she noticed Rarity, standing a short distance behind Twilight, noticeably shocked and disturbed by the whole ordeal. Rainbow tried to speak, but she was too weak, and her throat was too sore. She made an effort to roll over and get on her hooves, but Fluttershy laid a gentle hoof on her chest. “You really should rest...” she said. “You’ve been through so much...” “After you left the library, I was worried about you.” Twilight explained. “So I ran and got the others and used that spell that lets us walk on clouds. We hurried up to try to talk to you, to see what was wrong. Then we noticed your door was wide open and we could hear you... So we kinda came in uninvited.” It took everything she had in her, but Rainbow Dash allowed a slight smile. It was overwhelming to her, in a good way, that her friends were so supportive, and so kind, even though they should be angry and disappointed. Applejack and Twilight gently lifted Rainbow up and laid her on her couch. “Now, for your own good...” Twilight started, hovering over Dash. “We don’t feel that you should be left alone for a while.” Rainbow gave her best effort at a nod. “There’s plenty of room for ya at Sweet Apple Acres.” Applejack offered. “We’ll keep a close eye on ya.” “If Applejack’s out of town for whatever reason, you can stay with me at the library. I’m sure there’s also room in Fluttershy’s cottage if we need it.” For the first time in a long time, Rainbow Dash felt something akin to... Happiness. She was calm, and relaxed (though still weak and in a lot of pain.) She had tried so hard to make everypony like her, but she understood now that she was being stupid. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if the entire world hates you, as long as you have a few good friends. And that’s exactly what she had. It was a little over a month before Rainbow returned to her home. She visited every room in her house, feeling a little good to be back home after all this time. Finally, she stepped inside the last room, her bathroom. As soon as she stepped inside, she was hit by a wave of cruel memories. She could almost see herself curled up inside the bathtub, sobbing. The room as a whole had a vial stench left over from her many episodes. The mirror was stained with... Who knows what. As she walked by the mirror, she caught a look at her face. It was rounder than before. She looked down and saw that her once concave stomach had filled out slightly, and her ribs were barely visible now. Her legs were thicker than before too. Look at you. You’re disgusting. She’d heard the little voice in her head once more. The mocking little voice. The voice that had driven her over edge so many times. Her voice. She stepped inside the bathtub and collapsed to her knees. She raised her hoof to her face and opened her mouth wide. However, just as her hoof touched her teeth, she stopped. Her hoof stayed pressed gently against her front teeth for a good minute, while she stared blankly at it. Finally, she took her hoof away from her mouth, and used it to gently turn on the water. A small trickle of water came down from the showerhead. It slowly grew into a steady spray, which went over Rainbow. Dash felt the water pour down her face and body. She felt her mane flatten over her back, and her tail grow heavy and flop to the ground. She felt the built up dirt fall from her mane. She shock her head, and her mane flopped side to side, shaking water off onto the walls. Rainbow watched as the little remnants in the bathtub were washed away, along with several months of built up dirt from her coat. For the past few months, she’d developed a literal fear of her bathtub. The closest thing she had to a shower was flying into a river a few times. At that moment, she felt cleaner than ever. Her troubles seemed to wash away, along with any remnants of her ill deeds. Physically, and emotionally, she felt cleaner than ever.
WorthlessRarity shook her head and pushed away the tasty-looking cupcake that Pinkie Pie had offered her. “Terribly sorry Pinkie, but I simply cannot eat another bite.” It was Rarity’s birthday, so Pinkie had thrown a party, of course. Unlike most of her other parties, this one was a little more civilized, with the group mainly sitting at a table eating and chatting. It was very befitting of Rarity's personality. The table was covered in tasty treats. Cupcakes, chocolates, muffins, you name it. All the sweets were decorated in ornate fashions, to simulate a feeling of class. The only pony this really mattered to was Rarity, but it was her party, so it made sense. “Are you sure! They’re really tasty!” Pinkie frowned. “Yes, I really must watch my calories. A lady has to watch her figure.” She turned to Rainbow Dash, who was sitting next to her shovelling cupcakes into her mouth. “I say, Rainbow Dash, how DO you eat so horrendously and yet maintain such a perfect build?” “Hm?” Rainbow stopped and swallowed. “Oh, I’m just so awesome, I never gain weight!” “Well, that metabolism definitely won’t last forever. Hasn’t that ever crossed your mind?” “Nah, I’m too cool for that. I’ll always be exactly the right weight. ‘Cause I’m perfect!” She continued shovelling in the cupcakes. “Ya know” Applejack started from across the table, “Rarity has a point. Ya sure do eat a lot of unhealthy eats. And you sure ain’t always burnin’ it off workin’, ya lazy filly.” “Don’t worry yourself, I know what I’m doing.” Rainbow reassured Applejack. “I work it off in my own ways.” Still not entirely convinced, Applejack decided to let it go for now, and the ponies all returned to their celebration of Rarity’s birthday. After the party, everypony shouted “Happy Birthday” to Rarity and headed off to their respective homes. All except for Fluttershy who followed closely after Rainbow Dash. “Rainbow are... Are you okay?” She asked softly. Rainbow Dash stayed ahead and didn’t look back at the yellow pegasus. “I’m fine.” There was a slightly heavy tone to her voice. “Oh... It’s just I... Worry about you. I mean, I know you’ve had... Issues before, and...” “I’m fine.” The rainbow pegasus cut her off, this time a little more abrasively. Fluttershy was quiet for a few moments, but kept following her. “I just... Please be careful...” “I’m FINE!” Rainbow snapped back at Fluttershy. Fluttershy stopped with a light tremble, then nodded softly, and turned and headed to her cottage, deciding to give Rainbow some space. She was gravely concerned about Rainbow Dash, as she had known her to have some issues in the past. However, she knew the best thing to do right now was to let it go. Rainbow Dash arrived at her home. She stood in her living room, and took a moment to reflect. “I’m perfect.” She said, quietly. “I’m awesome. I’m what everypony wishes they could be!” Her voice seemed to tremble slightly. She turned and stared at a door at the end of a hallway. The door lead to her bathroom. She felt her stomach sink under the weight of all the sweets she’d eaten. She’d made a mistake, and she knew it. Knowing she had to fix her mistakes, she made her way to the the bathroom. There, she stopped and took a long look in the mirror. Anypony else would look at that reflection and see a young, healthy filly (if not a little underweight). Rainbow, however, saw something else. Look at yourself, she thought. You’re disgusting. What were you THINKING tonight!?” Dash looked down at her stomach, which seemed to bulge slightly from being over stuffed. She tried to shut out the nagging voice in the back of her head, but she knew she couldn’t. It was there to stay. Why would the Wonderbolts want somepony like you? You’ll NEVER be on their level, not like this! She closed her eyes, fighting back tears. “I... I can’t...” You’re weak. You’re pathetic.You’ll never amount to anything. Looking in the mirror, all she could see was a mangled husk of her former self. Her face was bulgy and messy, her neck hidden by triple chins, her mane dry and faded. She looked down at her hoof, which rested beside the sink, and braced herself, cringing, for what she felt she had to do. A few seconds later, she pulled her hoof out of her mouth, and a portion of Rarity’s birthday confections came out with it, splattering inside the sink. Her legs trembled as she looked down at the previous contents of her stomach. She coughed lightly, wishing this could be the end of it. A few seconds later her hoof was back in her mouth, bringing up another wave of half-chewed cupcake, which gradually filled the sink, too thick to go down the drain. She turned on the faucet to help clean up, and looked back up at the mirror. Her face had grown pale. Worthless. This time she turns to the bathtub, pulling up another wave of wasted sweets. Her throat begins to hurt from her hoof slamming against the sides, and the stomach acid coming out now with each heave. Useless. She collapsed to her knees, leaning over the edge of the bathtub. Her hoof knocks against the bones at the back of her throat. With a heavy heave, she feels one snap and come out with the next wave of cupcake. Her esophagus ached from the heaving, and she could feel a part of it ripping away, dangling loosely in her throat. Pathetic. Small amounts of stomach contents and blood pour out of her mouth as she tries to stand back up. Her legs are too weak, and she falls back down over the bathtub. She sees the severed bone floating in a small pool of blood and chocolate. Still feeling full, she shoves her hoof back into her mouth, bringing up a desperate finally heave, most of which is a mixture of blood and stomach acid, and saliva, barely any food left in her stomach. The tiny bit of flesh shakes with the heave, growing looser and looser. She lets her head hang over the side, before finally attempting to stand up again. This time she’s successful, but just barely. She stands on wobbly legs, looking at the mess of red and pink all over her bathtub and sink. Breathing and sweating heavily, she turns to exit the bathroom. Lonely. She tenses up suddenly on her way out, and feels another heave come up, and collapses to her knees, launching what little stomach contents remained across the floor. Among this last expulsion lies the bit of flesh, which had finally worked its way free, letting out another batch of fresh blood. Afterwards, she gags and coughs for a few moments, then finally gets herself under control, and curls up on the floor, tears starting down her face. So lonely. A feeling of emptiness washes over her. A steady stream of blood poured from her mouth from her shredded esophagus. She hated this more than anything, but she had no other choice. Her friends wouldn’t look up to her as much if she was fat and ugly. She felt empty, and alone. Though she was surrounded by caring friends everyday, at the end of the day she was alone. And this was how it had to be. Nopony could know her secrets. Nopony could know of her imperfections. She’d set a pretty high standard, and nopony could see her break that. Nopony could know how she really felt. Stumbling out of the bathroom, Rainbow feels a slight tinge of relief as she regains her composure. She heads to the kitchen for a drink, to wash down the blood and any remnants in her throat. Fluttershy’s attempt to help her earlier hurt her now. She couldn’t imagine how Fluttershy would react if she saw her right now.
Broken“Rainbow?” Dash could faintly hear a voice as she slowly regained consciousness. “Ya alright, sugarcube?” She opened her eyes to see Applejack’s blurry figure standing over her. “Oh, hey Applejack...” Rainbow sat up slowly. The world was spinning, and she’d forgotten why she was unconscious on the ground. She looked around and realized she was in the orchards at Sweet Apple Acres. “Howed I....” “Ya were flyin’ pretty recklessly. Ya took quite a hit. Ya’ll crashed into a tree.” She pointed to a nearby apple tree that had some bark missing and some branches broken. Rainbow cringed, wondering how she could make such an amateur mistake. “Ah never seen ya fly THAT recklessly before.” “Oh. Well, I was...” At that moment she knew exactly what happened. She was still a little light-headed. “I was tired.” She lied. “Oh really?” She gave her a questioning look. Applejack was never and easy pony to fool. She’d gotten away with it at Rarity’s party, but she doubted she’d have as much luck this time. “Why were ya flyin’ if you was so tired?” “Because I... Had work to do?” Of all times to do this, Dash thought right now was the worst possible time. She was still dizzy from the crash, and still light-headed from dehydration. “Uh-huh. In Sweet Apple Acres?” “Um... Weather, stuff.” “Then why were ya flyin’ so low?” “I... Um...” Rainbow Dash just couldn’t find words for an excuse. She felt herself slipping back into unconsciousness. The crash had just taken away whatever little bit of energy she had left. “Rainbow?” Applejack’s voice sounded distant now, though she was still hovering over the blue pegasus. She slowly closed her eyes, letting the world around her drift away. “Rainbow!” Dash wasn’t sure where she was now. Wherever it was, it was cold, and dark. And empty. She couldn’t hear Applejack’s voice anymore. It had started to get fainter and fainter, until it was gone. She could hear other things though. Birds, wind, her own heartbeat. They were all growing fainter. At this moment, the first thought that came to Dash’s mind was that she was dying. Every vague connection she had to the world seemed to be collapsing. She could no longer smell the gentle, sweet smell of apples. She could no longer taste the vial tastes that fill her mouth on a regular basis. She could no longer feel her broken throat bones or shredded esophagus. She could hear, but just barely. She was no longer the Rainbow Dash her friends knew and loved. After an incident like this, they would certainly find out what she’d been doing to herself, and they would certainly no longer respect or love her. Everything she had built up for so many years was crumbling around her, and she couldn’t do anything about it. All she could do was listen. “Stupid ol’ Rainbow Dash.” She imagined everyone saying. “She’s a fraud! A phony! She ain’t nuthin’!” She wanted to cry, but she was out of tears. In fact, by this point there was barely any water in her system at all. Just enough to get by. Suddenly she heard voices. Loud voices. Screaming voices. “RAINBOW DASH! Is she alright!? She’ll be okay, right! What’s wrong with Rainbow!” The voices were real this time. “Someone get her help!” A wave of confusion came over her as she realized that these ponies were here for her, now of all times. Though she was a mangled husk of what was once the coolest pony in Equestria, they still came to her aid. Though she could never imagine why. Rainbow Dash slowly awoke in a large white room. It didn’t take her long to determine that she was dead, and this was Pony Heaven. She still couldn’t move, but her pain was gone. It must have been a long journey to get here, and she hasn’t fully woken up yet. “Dashie?” She heard a quiet, high-pitched voice from across the room. It sounded a lot like Pinkie Pie... But what was Pinkie Pie doing in Pony Heaven? Did she die too? Rainbow could see Pinkie hovering over her, holding in her hooves a single cupcake. “I baked you this... You’d better be okay!” She laid the cupcake on the table beside Rainbow. Rainbow Dash wanted to ask Pinkie what she was doing here, or why (and how) she would bring the recently departed pegasus a cupcake in Pony Heaven. It took her a while to realize she wasn’t in Pony Heaven, but actually in the hospital. She was pretty heavily medicated, which made it difficult for her to move or speak. She wanted to say “Don’t worry Pinkie, I’m alright.” But couldn’t. As though Pinkie could hear Dash’s vein attempt to speak, she smiled a little, before walking out the door. Why does she still care? Dash found the whole situation to be a little difficult to swallow. They wanted perfection. You’re not perfect. Why should they care? The only other visitor she was partially conscious for was Fluttershy. The yellow pegasus came in and hovered quietly over Rainbow Dash, a very concerned look on her face. Unlike the others... Fluttershy knew what was wrong with Rainbow. “Ahahah, you can’t catch me!” Rainbow Dash flew circles around Fluttershy, who watched quietly, a smile on her face. “Nope, I can’t.” She nodded. “No, you’re supposed to try and catch me!” “But you said I can’t...” “It’s a challenge!” “Oh... Well, I’m not good with challenges...” Rainbow stopped in front of Fluttershy and gave her a odd grin, then laughed. The two were younger, just barely mares. Fluttershy had come up from the ground to visit Dash, and Dash took them to a nice dinner in Cloudsdale. Even back then, Fluttershy was awed by Dash’s ability to eat so much yet gain no weight. “Rainbow Dash...” Her curiosity finally got the better of her at dinner that night. “Hm?” Rainbow had been gnawing down on a pretty good-sized carrot sandwich, and it certainly wasn’t her first that night. “How do you... If it’s not imposing... How do you eat so much, and stay so small?” Dash stopped eating for a moment and looked at Fluttershy. “Well...” She started. “I have this secret, to keep me looking good and in shape. I can eat all the food I want, and never gain weight, because I just immediately get rid of it all.” At the time, Dash failed to see how dreadful of an illness she had. At the time, she didn’t even consider it an illness. Just a useful trick. “What... Do you mean? Like... Work it off?” “No, that would be almost impossible! No, see, it’s science. Food goes down my throat like this.” She took a bite from her sandwich, chewed it briefly, then swallowed. “Then later, I just bring back up my throat, out of my mouth, and move on!” Fluttershy was silent for a few seconds, and she had an utterly horrified expression. “That... That’s terrible!” “Yeah, it kinda sounds gross, but it works.” “No I mean... That’s really bad. Like... Really unhealthy...” “Please, I’m ME, I think I know what’s good for me and what isn’t.” “But I...” “Trust me, I know what I’m doing!” “I... Okay.” Understandably, Fluttershy had often regretted her decision to just let it go with Dash. She always felt like she could have stopped Dash’s illness from progressing as far as it did if she had been more assertive. But it was too late now. “I’m sorry...” Fluttershy apologized to the pale, broken pegasus in the hospital bed in front of her. “I should have been more assertive... You were right.” Tears welled up in her face. She had never thought that something so simple could be so devastating. Rainbow Dash was confused, and exhausted, both mentally and physically. Still, she fought to stay conscious as Fluttershy hovered over her, crying softly. It was at this moment Rainbow realized the full effects of her habits. She wasn’t making everypony like her more like she’d always thought. In fact, she was hurting those she loved. By this point, Rainbow had fully remembered what had happened. She had another spout in her bathroom, one of the worse she’d had recently. She’d left afterwards, her balance off, and her body drained of vital liquids. At this point, she wasn’t thinking about the consequences of flying in that state. All she was thinking about was getting away from home for a while. Predictably, things took a turn for the worse. She started to feel light-headed, and eventually drifted heavily off-course, plummeting towards the ground. She rammed into a tree head-first at full speed, effectively knocking her out and giving her a concussion. As her memories became clear, something else became clear. She had to stop what she was doing. She could not keep doing this to herself, or to her friends. At that moment, she knew it was time to ask for help.
WeakRainbow Dash spent around a week in the hospital. They treated her for concussion and dehydration, as well as a dislocated wing. Luckily, nothing was broken in the crash. However, the doctors seemed to completely overlook the damage to her throat. At the time, eating disorders were often overlooked in Equestria. When Dash got outside, she was met by a very serious-looking Applejack. “Ready tah ‘splain yerself?” Dash didn’t make eye contact with Applejack. She was ashamed of herself, and it showed. At this point, Applejack was incredibly worried about her friend, which also showed. Rainbow sighed, and decided to just give in and tell the truth. “I just want ponies to like me.” Rainbow Dash said quietly, after a long pause. Applejack gave a surprised look. “Of COURSE ponies like you! Ya’ll are our friend, and we love our friends.” Rainbow Dash shook her head. “You love me because I’m awesome, and because I’m fast and athletic. But sometimes it’s hard to keep up that image.” “Image? I thought ya’ll were just always like that.” “I try to be what everypony wants me to be... Because that’s the only way ponies will ever accept me. If I’m not awesome and cool, what am I?” Applejack put a hoof on Dash’s shoulder. “Our friend.” Dash finally looked Applejack in the eye. The realizations she’d had while unconscious finally started to fully sink in. Her friends don’t love her because she’s awesome, or because she’s fast and athletic. “I... I never thought...” Rainbow held back tears as the hoof on her shoulder slowly slid into a full hug. She was speechless, so she just returned the hug, and rested her head on Applejack’s shoulder. At this point, a single tear finally trickled down her face. She just could not hold it in anymore. She’d been holding it in for way too long. The realizations she had when she was unconscious never seemed more true. Her friends didn’t love her because she was athletic, or because she was cool, or because she was good-looking. Her friends loved her because she was Rainbow Dash. It would be nice to just think that after she left the hospital and had her touching moment with Applejack, everything was perfect with Rainbow Dash forever. It would be nice to think that she never had an episode again and that she no longer tried to be someone she wasn’t. However, old habits die hard, and none die quite as hard as an eating disorder. Rainbow Dash sat in her home, after another exciting party. She had overeaten again, and this time the other ponies seemed a little more uneasy about it. She had never explicitly told them what was wrong, but they all seemed to have a good idea. The blue mare had been fighting with herself all night. She knew she had eaten too much, but she was determined to just digest it naturally and be more careful in the future. Unfortunately, it wasn’t easy for her, and eventually she cracked under the pressure. She hurried into the bathroom, and before long had her hoof halfway down her throat again. “STOP!” She heard somepony shout at her after her first violent heave. She managed to compose herself long enough to see who it was. Much to her surprise, she saw Applejack standing at the door. “What... What are you doing here?” “I can’t let ya do this to yerself.” She slowly moved towards Dash. Dash tried to focus on Applejack, but the driving urge was too strong. She turned away and let lose another batch of fresh baked treats into the bathtub. More than anything she wanted to turn back around, to just look at Applejack, to not look at the bathtub. Another heave, riddled with blood and stomach acid. She lost her balance and fell forward into the tub. Lying in a pool of her own half digested waste, she kept going, letting it all come out. The tiny bones in the back of her throat were cracking against the pressure caused by her hoof being in her throat when she heaves. “STOP IT!” Applejack yelled again. Rainbow ignored her and continued to lay in the bathtub. She’d stopped heaving by this point, and was now just laying in a puddle of her own self-loathing. Finally, Applejack reached into the tub and pulled Rainbow out by the nape of the neck, and held her in front of the mirror. “LOOK AT YOURSELF!” She shouted at the helpless, have conscious pegasus. Obediently, Dash focused on the mirror long enough to see herself. It was at that moment she saw what everypony else had seen for so long. She was not fat. In fact, she was far from it. The most noticeable thing was her stomach. You could very clearly see the outline of her ribs, and her concave belly beneath them. Her legs were bony and thin, and her veins could be very clearly seen all the way down her to her hooves. Her face was probably the worst. Her cheeks were sunken and her chin was pointed. The only baggy part of her body was the area right beneath her eyes. Applejack sat Rainbow down gently, afraid of breaking her. Her friends had noticed this all along, but they all seemed to think it was just part of her accident, and that she was doing everything in her power to fix it. Sobbing heavily, she turned back to Applejack to apologize, but in her place stood Rainbow Dash. Not the broken husk of a pegasus laying across the bathroom floor. The real Rainbow Dash. Young, strong, fast, with plenty of meat on her bones. The younger Rainbow Dash stared at the broken Rainbow Dash. She didn’t say a word, but her expression said everything it needed to. “How did I ever get to this point?” In her youth, purging was just a thing she did on occasion if she over-ate every now and then. But now, it was a regular thing for her. She always felt like she was overeating. A leaf of lettuce was overeating to her by this point. The younger Dash’s expression was painful for the broken Dash. All she could do is stare up at her helplessly, tears flowing down her face. Finally, she blinked, and she was alone. Alone in her bathroom. Alone in her own personal hell. As awesome as she was... After all the hurdles she’d leaped by herself... This was one thing she just couldn’t conquer by herself.
CleanNot fully ready to accept help from her friends directly, Rainbow Dash decided to try to get some information herself. She headed to the library one night, and was greeted by Twilight. “Oh, hello Rainbow.” She eyed Rainbow carefully. Twilight was very aware of Rainbow Dash’s recent, unhealthy appearance, but like all the other ponies, she was unsure whether or not Dash was getting better or not. “Hey Twilight.” Rainbow looked across a shelf of books, looking for anything that may be helpful. Twilight was a little concerned by how quiet Rainbow Dash was being... But she decided it was for the better to just let her browse in peace. She quietly stepped away and headed upstairs, leaving Rainbow Dash alone below. It was relieving to Rainbow Dash that Twilight didn’t really ask any questions. It might have been difficult for her to get out of explaining herself again. She continued to look for a book to help her, but after a while, she gave up, accepting that she was the only pony ever who had her problem. Dash returned home after failing to find a solution to her problem. When she got home, she felt ill. She had not even eaten much that day, but she still had a nagging feeling that she had eaten too much. Fighting the urges, she stepped back outside... At this point, it wasn’t just something she did on occasion to empty her stomach when she ate too much. It wasn’t something she did to keep slim. It was nothing less than an addiction, and it was just as deadly as any other addiction. It wasn’t long before she was in the bathroom, letting the tiny bit of substance her stomach had left into the bathtub. She screamed out in pain between heaves, no longer able to bear it. She broke down into a heavy sob, her hoof still halfway down her throat. “RAINBOW!” She heard Applejack shout again from behind her. This time, she wrote it off as another hallucination, and curled up on the floor, sobbing helplessly. If ever there was a rock bottom, this was it for her. “DASHIE!” Pinkie Pie’s voice. The rainbow-clad pegasus was too far gone to notice their cries. She was lost by now, and so she began to drift away from consciousness... Then suddenly, she felt herself moving. She opened her eyes to see the bathtub growing further and further away. Soon, she was out of the bathroom, being dragged away by an unseen force. Finally, she was in her living room, flat on her back. Her vision was very blurry, but she could faintly see a glass of water floated over her in a purple glow. It lowered to her mouth and poured a small sip of water. Dash accepted it, and swallowed it. It felt good... Very refreshing after what she’d been through. As Dash’s vision cleared up, she could see Twilight Sparkle standing directly over her to her right, and Applejack too her left. Fluttershy was standing beside Applejack, then Pinkie Pie beside Fluttershy. Lastly, she noticed Rarity, standing a short distance behind Twilight, noticeably shocked and disturbed by the whole ordeal. Rainbow tried to speak, but she was too weak, and her throat was too sore. She made an effort to roll over and get on her hooves, but Fluttershy laid a gentle hoof on her chest. “You really should rest...” she said. “You’ve been through so much...” “After you left the library, I was worried about you.” Twilight explained. “So I ran and got the others and used that spell that lets us walk on clouds. We hurried up to try to talk to you, to see what was wrong. Then we noticed your door was wide open and we could hear you... So we kinda came in uninvited.” It took everything she had in her, but Rainbow Dash allowed a slight smile. It was overwhelming to her, in a good way, that her friends were so supportive, and so kind, even though they should be angry and disappointed. Applejack and Twilight gently lifted Rainbow up and laid her on her couch. “Now, for your own good...” Twilight started, hovering over Dash. “We don’t feel that you should be left alone for a while.” Rainbow gave her best effort at a nod. “There’s plenty of room for ya at Sweet Apple Acres.” Applejack offered. “We’ll keep a close eye on ya.” “If Applejack’s out of town for whatever reason, you can stay with me at the library. I’m sure there’s also room in Fluttershy’s cottage if we need it.” For the first time in a long time, Rainbow Dash felt something akin to... Happiness. She was calm, and relaxed (though still weak and in a lot of pain.) She had tried so hard to make everypony like her, but she understood now that she was being stupid. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if the entire world hates you, as long as you have a few good friends. And that’s exactly what she had. It was a little over a month before Rainbow returned to her home. She visited every room in her house, feeling a little good to be back home after all this time. Finally, she stepped inside the last room, her bathroom. As soon as she stepped inside, she was hit by a wave of cruel memories. She could almost see herself curled up inside the bathtub, sobbing. The room as a whole had a vial stench left over from her many episodes. The mirror was stained with... Who knows what. As she walked by the mirror, she caught a look at her face. It was rounder than before. She looked down and saw that her once concave stomach had filled out slightly, and her ribs were barely visible now. Her legs were thicker than before too. Look at you. You’re disgusting. She’d heard the little voice in her head once more. The mocking little voice. The voice that had driven her over edge so many times. Her voice. She stepped inside the bathtub and collapsed to her knees. She raised her hoof to her face and opened her mouth wide. However, just as her hoof touched her teeth, she stopped. Her hoof stayed pressed gently against her front teeth for a good minute, while she stared blankly at it. Finally, she took her hoof away from her mouth, and used it to gently turn on the water. A small trickle of water came down from the showerhead. It slowly grew into a steady spray, which went over Rainbow. Dash felt the water pour down her face and body. She felt her mane flatten over her back, and her tail grow heavy and flop to the ground. She felt the built up dirt fall from her mane. She shock her head, and her mane flopped side to side, shaking water off onto the walls. Rainbow watched as the little remnants in the bathtub were washed away, along with several months of built up dirt from her coat. For the past few months, she’d developed a literal fear of her bathtub. The closest thing she had to a shower was flying into a river a few times. At that moment, she felt cleaner than ever. Her troubles seemed to wash away, along with any remnants of her ill deeds. Physically, and emotionally, she felt cleaner than ever.
