The Exorcism of Pinkamena Diane Pie
Even though the main strip of Ponyville was usually bustling with bickering hagglers, arguing over whether or not three bits is the appropriate price for two beets- which is just ridiculous considering beets are vile, disgusting plants and should not be sold for more than one bit a bushel- tonight was different. Every light, from street torch to porch lamp, had been snuffed for the gentle transition into darkness. Well, all except one that is. Sugarcube Corner, home of the Cakes and their young pupil, Pinkamina Diane Pie, was still wide awake. Strange, unexplainable things had been happening in that bakery; things of a supernatural nature. And when such problems arise, there is only one mare in town with the knowledge and experience to tackle the task. It is here, at Sugarcube Corner, that the strange events played out. It is here that for the first time in 1000 years, a demon was successfully exorcised out of a young mare: Miss Pinkamina Diane Pie.
~~~
The clip clop of a horse-drawn carriage came to a halt outside the one lit building in all of Ponyville. Its door swung open, and three lone figures exited. All of them adorned the same black cloak that kept their identities concealed. They were here to do a job that night: a job that none were particularly happy to do. They had been contacted as a last ditch effort to save a lost soul. Usually they wouldn’t bother with a call like this, but this time it was personal. The victim was a friend, and friends stick together no matter what.
In a single-file line, the three figures trotted toward the house, leaving the carriage behind.
“Hey, you forgot to pay the cab fare...” called a single voice from the street. None of the figures hesitated; they had a job to do and no silly “transportation fee” would slow them down one bit. They continued to the door and the lead pony knocked as loud as she could. They didn’t have much time; the cab driver had already unhitched his wagon and was making his way to the doorstep. Every hoofstep they heard brought upon a shiver and an increased feeling of tension. He was getting close.
Come on, come on! Open the door!thought the lead figure.
Thankfully, the door swung open revealing a tired Mrs. Cake with an unkempt mane. She was nearly trampled as the three figures bolted past her, slamming the door in their wake. The room was silent except for the vicious rapping on the door emanating from outside the house. The three figures pulled back their hoods and revealed themselves to the light.
“Whew. That was a close one,” said Twilight Sparkle to the rest of her team. “We almost had to pay that guy.”
“I still don’t understand why we had to take a carriage,” replied Rainbow Dash. “We could have walked here in like two minutes.”
“Oh Rainbow, you have so much to learn...” Spike added as he made his way over to Mrs. Cake. Dash stood there for a moment with a confused look on her face, but quickly brushed it off realizing that there was a more important matter at stake. She could only imagine the rotten vestiges of her friend lying upstairs, tied to the bed to keep others safe.
Twilight could tell that there was definitely something strange going on with the house. The air was frigid, the small storefront was in shambles, and every one in a while, she got the strange feeling that she was being watched.
“Twilight, I’m so glad you could make it. The spasms have been getting worse and she’s been screaming all night. It was only a few minutes ago that we were able to calm her down.” Mrs. Cake’s voice was weak; probably having stayed awake the past few nights. Twilight almost pitied her.
“Well, rest assured Mrs. Cake. Before we leave tonight, your home will be rid of all unwanted spirits. And maybe even some of the wanted spirits. Just depends on how much you pay me.”
“Wha- what?”
“Oh nothing. By the way, I’m going to need a few things for the exorcism; do you have any food around here?” Twilight said, looking around for anything she could sink her maw into.
“Well, I think we have some sandwiches in the kitchen, but why do you need them?”
“Bring them to me as soon as you can. They are absolutely vital in getting rid of whatever has possessed Pinkie Pie.”
“Whatever you need Ms. Sparkle.”
“Please,” Twilight interrupted. “Call me Princess Sparkle.” Mrs. Cake gave an incredulous look before nodding and briskly walking into the kitchen.
“Alright, here’s the plan everypony.” Twilight Sparkle motioned for the two other exorcists to come closer. “Spike, take this sage and start burning it around the house.” She tossed over a golden chain with a tiny plant attached to the end. Spike caught it with a confused look on his face.
“What’s this for, Twilight?”
Rainbow Dash’s face lit up. “Oh, I know this! You burn that stuff when you want to get rid of unwelcome spirits. It’s supposed to cleanse the house on a spiritual level.”
Spike looked inquisitively at the small chain in his hands. He waved it around the air, diffusing the pleasant smelling aroma around the room.
“No, it just smells in here...” Twilight responded with a look of confusion. “They can’t expect me to work in a house that reeks like week old doughnuts and baby shit. I am royalty, after all.” Twilight shook her mane and began to style it with a hoof. Her two friends continued to stand there in disbelief.
“...Um, Twi-”
“No time to talk now,” the Princess interrupted. “We have holy work to perform. Come,
my friends; it is time for the exorcism.”
Without another moment's hesitation, the two ponies and their dragon assistant ascended up the stairs. Spike brought up the rear, waving the sage chain around with puerile enthusiasm. The closer they came to the top of the steps, the louder the muffled shouts became. It was clear they were dealing with a class-5 specter: full body possession. And from what Twilight could make out from outside the bedroom door, it didn’t sound like the demon was too happy.
Perfect, Twilight thought. It’s one of those guys...
She looked at both of her assistants and each gave a quick nod. She sighed and pushed open the door.
“... Grrr. Buck me! Buck me Mr. Cake!” Twilight looked at the pinkish green mass tied to the bed. Her hair was flat, her pupils were dilated, and her tongue lolled in and out of her mouth; a signal obviously directed to a terrified Mr. Cake who sat shivering in the corner. His jittering may have been a result of the below freezing temperature in the room, but a quick glance at a small piss stain on the floor said otherwise.
“Mr. Cake, we’re here to help Pinkie.” Twilight said. “Why don’t you step back and handle to twins while I perform the ritual.” Mr. Cake’s expression resembled that of a ghost; his yellow fur turned white with fear. Slowly, he made his way to the opposite side of the room, partially ducking behind Spike in the process.
Twilight took a deep breath and began to speak. “Pinkie, can you understand me?”
“Oh hello Princess, it’s nice of you to join us on such short notice. Perhaps you could join me and Mr. Cake in our all night buck session we were just about to begin.” Her tongue continued to slide out of her lips every once in awhile and her skin looked a sickly green. Large scars were present running up and down her neck and face; a clear sign of self inflicted wounds.
Yep, Twilight thought. Level 5 specter.
A tiny nudge from behind broke her concentration; Rainbow Dash had something to say.
“Hey Twi, are you sure that Pinkie is actually possessed?” The purple unicorn took a quick glance at the lying mare. She smiled, revealing a thick layer of jagged, red stained teeth.. Her head began to twist at the neck, spinning slowly all the way around until her face was once again looking toward the two mares and their dragon assistant.
“Yeah, pretty sure Rainbow...”
“It’s just that she doesn’t look all that different, and when we went out to that bar a few weeks ago, she said a lot of the same things to pretty much every stallion we came across.”
“Dashie,” Pinkie chimed in. “Won’t you let me go? We can go pull a prank on Rarity...”
“Oh, okay!” Rainbow Dash made a reach for the restraints holding the pink mare in place. However, she was stopped by a purple hoof and a stern looking Twilight.
“...Wait for her to finish.”
“... And then we can eat her...” Rainbow inched her neck closer, eyes wide with anticipation.
“Limbs!” The cyan pegasus sighed, having not heard the ending to the statement she had expected.
“Told ya!” Shouted the newly coronated Princess of Equestria. She calmly collected herself. “I can tell where this night is going. Spike, maybe it’s best if you take the twins to another room in the house, after all, children should not be here to witness the deed we are about to do.”
Spike looked towards the possessed pony and she returned with a mischievous grin, giving him a face of seduction. Immediately, her head turned a sickly green and she vomited into the air. If Spike had been standing one foot closer to the bed, it would have landed straight in his face. Thankfully though, it only soaked his clawed feet. He grimaced and looked like he was going to be sick himself.
“Thanks Twilight. I’ll take them as far away as I can.” He kicked mildly in the air, flipping off bits of undigested cookies and cake. Pinkie really did not have a balanced diet. Spike gleefully walked over to the bouncing twins and snatched them out of the paralyzed Mr. Cakes hooves. About halfway through the door, Twilight stopped him.
“Oh, and once you do that come back with one of those big trash cans. I have a feeling that Pinkie is gonna get sick again and I need you to hold the can while she... cleanses herself.’
Spike’s eyes twitched.
“...But I thought you said for the children to leave...”
“Oh that’s so funny,” Twilight said with a laugh. “He thinks he’s people!” She slammed the door shut with telekinesis and let out another round of chuckles. Rainbow and Mr. Cake simply stared at her in disbelief. Once she was finished, Twilight turned to the pink mare lying tied up on the bed.
“Your mother eats cupcakes in Tartarus!” The statement seemed to distract Twilight for a moment. Pinkamina Diane Pie smiled; she knew her weak point.
“Twilight, your mother is here, would you like to leave a message?”
“Yes I would. Mother, I can take all the time in the world before I get married. I don’t care how long I have before my eggs dry up! They’re my eggs and I’ll have them be as dry as I want. You know what; I’m a princess now, and if you can’t treat me with the proper amount of respect, I’ll have you beheaded before the end of the week! I don’t need your approval and you should just stay out of my business!” Twilight expression was fierce and she panted heavily from her outrage. She noticed all of the weird looks she was getting- including the demon possessing Pinkie Pie- and quickly collected herself.
“Spike, get the special liquid we brought.” Spike- who had snuck back in the room- retrieved the flask and passed it on to Twilight who was standing over Pinkie’s bedside. The laughing mare stopped immediately.
“What’s that?” Twilight didn’t even glance up from her preparations.
“Vitamin water...” She said offhandedly.
“Get that away from me!” Her voice had grown deeper by at least two octaves and her milky eyes looked to be pleading. Twilight disregarded her statement and began to recite her exorcism creed.
“I cast you out unclean spirit!” She flicked the flask towards Pinkie’s body. A vicious cut appeared on her right flank.
“Shove it up your butt!”
“In the name of our lord Princess Celestia! It is she who commands you! It is she who flung you from the gates of Canterlot to the depths Tarturus!”
“Buck her!” Shouted the beast in a strange roar.
“Be gone!” Twilight shouted as she flung more water at the now levitating body.
“Buck her! Buck her and her sister!”
“From this creature of Celestia be gone! In the name of the eldest, the youngest, and the spirit of love!”
The spirit had stopped its shrieks and remained hovering in the air.
“The power of Celestia compels you!” Twilight threw more water. “The power of Celestia compels you!” Rainbow Dash had joined in. “The power of Celestia compels you!”
Suddenly, the body dropped from the air above the bed. Pinkie lay silent as her two friends peered over her unconscious body.
“Are you alright?” Rainbow Dash asked. The filly began to stir and her eyes opened wide.
“HERE’S PINKIE” Shouted the demon in a deep, evil voice, causing both Twilight and Rainbow Dash to grimace. It was toying with them and had no intention of leaving Pinkie’s body peacefully.
“Darnit! I thought that would work,” said Rainbow Dash gazing over the corpse like body that used to pull pranks with her.
“Buck it, we’re doing it the old fashioned way. Rainbow, get the proton packs!”
“Thank Celestia, I thought you’d never say that.” After retrieving the pony sized particle accelerator, they each strapped a pack onto their back and held the hose-like barrel in one hoof. With a flip of a switch, they activated the nuclear accelerator and aimed at the body of Pinkamina Diane Pie.
“I hope you’re in the mood for a workout, because you’re about to get exorcised, bitch!” Two streams of bright hot energy flowed out of the ghost guns and into Pinkie’s body. She convulsed as the energy swept a dark glooming figure into the air. The pink mass stayed below, but the demon did not.
The dark creature screeched as it was penetrated by the two beams, dragging it toward the middle of the room.
“Don’t cross the streams!” Twilight yelled.
“What?!” Screamed Rainbow Dash, unable to hear over the guttural growls of the dark being. “What did you say!?”
“I said, DON’T CROSS THE STREAMS!” Rainbow Dash returned a confused look.
“I’m in your wet dreams? Twilight, I had no idea!” Twilight would have facehoofed had she not been trying her hardest to contain the spirit.
“NO! I said...I said...” Every time she opened her mouth to speak, her voice was muffled by the loud screeched of the demon. “Never mind!”
“Spike!” Twilight screamed. Her tiny dragon assistant stood at attention. “Get the ghost trap!” He quickly stumbled off to the side before returning to the struggling mares.
“Now put it underneath it!” Spike made a move to get underneath the brooding beast, but suddenly hesitated.
“Nuh uh. No way! Do you see that thing?”
“Spike this is no time to be joking around, set up the trap!”
Spike looked at his employer, and then at the demon.
“Buck that...” Spike flipped the trap over his shoulder and strolled out of the room, leaving Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and the evil spirit battling for control. Also, Pinkie was passed out in a puddle of her own vomit, but that’s not so important.
“Coward!” Twilight shouted at her dragon assistant. Twilight thought for a moment about her options... but then it occurred to her that she was a unicorn so she just levitated the trap under the monster.
“GET READY DASHIE!!”
With a quick flip of the trap door, the demon was sucked in; scratching and clawing in a futile attempt to escape.
“AHHHHH!” Both mares screamed as the black beast desperately clung to it’s missing life raft, unable to stray from its impending fate.
Meanwhile, in the hallway.
Spike had had enough. Get the trap Spike! Hold the puke can Spike! Do my laundry Spike! Who did she think she was, telling him what to do all the time? And why did it seem like every time one of their friends was possessed by some sort of evil spirit, he was the one to get hung out to dry? Well, he thought. I’m not taking her crap anymore. I’m busting out of here.
Spike continued to walk down the hallway when he rounded the corner. He stopped in his tracks. At the end of the hall sat two foals, a pegasus colt, and a unicorn filly. They each stared at him with blank expressions, conveying no sort of emotion whatsoever.
“Hello Spike...” They both said in unison. “Come play with us...” Spike continued to stare at them. He couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something wrong with them; something very very wrong. His spine tingled and his scales stood up.
“Come play with us Spike,” they chanted again in unison. “Forever... and ever... and ever...” Spike’s mouth hung open. He looked at them in horror as they glared straight through them.
“...and ever... and ever...”
Spike began to think about his life, and this creepy scene with the twins was the thing to set it off. He thought of his first birthday when Twilight bought him his first ever book: How to Organize a Library; he thought about when he asked Twilight if he could enroll in school- a request to which she merely laughed off and told him to make her a sandwich; and he thought about the time Twilight took him to the vet to get neutered. That last memory was the last straw. His so called “friend” was nothing but an abusive, egotestacle.... egotistical, freak whose only lot in life was to torture the one dragon she had ever come into contact with. He huffed in frustration.
“Come play with us, Spike...”
He looked down at the twins who held the same puerile enthusiasm as a desert cactus.
“You know what,” he said. “YOLO!”
He pattered off into the hallway, throwing every piece of common since he had into the wind.
Meanwhile, back in Pinkie’s room.
“AHHHHHH!” The trap slammed shut and the room went silent. The two out of breath mares panted and turned to each other.
“I-is it over?” Rainbow asked, carefully eyeing the machine.
Twilight let out a sigh. “Yes Dash. It’s over.” She walked over to the door and opened it; standing there was Mrs. Cake looking physically disturbed from what she heard from outside. “Oh, just the mare I wanted to see. Did you bring us those sandwiches?”
Mrs. Cake shook her head, not really aware of what Twilight was actually saying. She only kept that same, shell shocked expression glued to her face.
“What a shame... So now that we have the demon in our possession, I believe its time to talk about payment for our services.”
“Wha-?” Was all that Mrs. Cake could muster.
“Now that’s one demon captured, plus the price of all that vitamin water we used, and also those sandwiches... So I think that you owe us about 1000 bits.”
“1000 bits! That’s ridiculous! I’m not paying you that much.” Twilight glared at the plump baker, eye twitching and small smile forming on her lips. She looked like she was about to snap.
“That’s... alright. We’ll just be going now.” Twilight nodded to Rainbow Dash and the two set off toward the door. On the way out, however, Twilight poked her head back in. Her horn began to glow and the trap near Mrs. Cake popped back open, unleashing an evil of unimaginable magnitude into the three bedroom duplex. It immediately jumped back into Pinkie who started cackling like a maniac.
Twilight smiled at Mrs. Cake. “Good luck!” She yelled before she slammed the door shut.
