The stupendous chaos of Captain Taterz and Propane Jeffrey

by Captain Taterz

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Main 6, Princess Luna, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders
Length: 1497

Join Captain Taterz and his first mate Propane Jeffrey as they go on an adventure in ponyville

Captain Taterz, the hero (not really) of a well known universe (hasn't even been written yet) and the captain of the greatest vessel in the emperor's navy The Wickerman (it's not the best ship in the navy because he is not in the navy) But when a mysterious portal sends him to a new world (by that we mean banished by the emperor) He arrives in the world of ponies! (God help them all)

Published 2013-06-08 11:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-06-08 11:50:01 UTC

Introducing the "heroes"

Both Captain Taterz and his first mate Propane Jeffrey sat on the raft floating in the ocean. Jeffrey rowing, as Taterz sat on his hunches staring out into the waters pondering their situation. Finally, he blinked changing his attention to his first mate. "How did we end up in this mess?"

"Oh I don't know sir," Jeffrey grunted having to row the entire time had worn him out. "Perhaps it was the fact that you slept with the fiancee of the emperor's son. Even better though, could it have been the fact that you blew up a harbor? Taking the emperor's favorite ship with it I might add. Oh, but the best one has to be the fact that you started a war by nearly killing an ambassador with a fish! You nearly beat him to death with a fish!"

"That was pretty funny wasn't it?" Captain Taterz began to grin playing back the memory in his head.

Jeffrey took in a long, shaky, breath before he continued. "Other then those events sir, I would have no idea why they would banish us to another realm!"

"In my defense, she wanted me and did not disappoint I might add. I was not the one who put those barrels on that dock at the time I shot off the canon by accident, emphasis on accident. As for the ambassador I still say that was priceless," Captain Taterz went back to staring out into the ocean.

"Oh yes, The foreign empire also thought it was funny that is why we went to war right? Plus our emperor was laughing so hard he tore a hole into the world that dragged us in it! That is how we got here right?" The sarcasm spewed out of Jeffrey's mouth enough to sink the tiny raft.

Even if he was to spew enough sarcasm to flood the world Captain Taterz would not of caught on for he replied to his first mates previous comment with, "are you insane? Did you bump your head while we were being pulled through? What happened was some lady, not bad looking I should add, Boarded our ship talked about political views I don't know I was to busy looking at some other views. That being said, she said some weird shit and bing bam boom portal," Captain Taterz stared at his first mate with a smile as Jeffrey stared at his captain his mouth a gap. "Any questions?"

"I hate you...so much," was all Jeffrey could manage to say.

"That is not even a question Jeffrey, you must have hit your head hard," Captain Taterz smiled turned to a puzzled look. "One thing I still don't understand. Why in the world are we horses?"

"No...no I mean it, I really hate you," Jeffrey still stared at Captain Taterz.

"I am sure we will figure it out sooner our later in the mean time-" Captain Taterz stopped short as he stared out at the horizon. "Jeffrey, is that what I think it is?"

Jeffrey stopped his stare to see what Captain Taterz was referring to. "Mother of god," was all he said.

"LAAAND!" Captain Taterz yelled jumping around the raft in his excitement.

"Captain, if you don't stop we ain't ever going to see the damn thing!" Jeffrey yelled over Captains Taterz continues chant of the word land, shifting from side to side to maintain balance.

"Right you are Jeffrey, full speed ahead!"

"Captain, this is full speed," Jeffrey huffed.

"Oh, well then, good job!" Captain Taterz ran to his first mate and wrapped an arm around his shoulder. "How do you feel about me now?" Captain Taterz grinned at his friend.

Jeffrey turned to face Captain Taterz, a shit eatting grin plastered on his face, "I still hate you," with that all Captain Taterz did was laugh.

Both Captain Taterz and Propane Jeffrey stared at the area that would be labeled as the docks. The stone wall separating it from the actually town stood only tall enough to hide the main structures of the smaller houses but revealed their hay covered roofs. The docks themselves had ponies pushing barrels up to large vessels using tiny planks to reach. "Almost feels like home doesn't it?" Captain Taterz was the first one to speak. "You know, aside from the fact everyone is a pony now," he turned to his first mate, "what is the plan?"

"We should probably ask someone where the hell we are exactly," Jeffrey looked at all the ponies on the docks.

"Good idea!" before Jeffrey could object, Captain Taterz ran to the nearest pony to talk to. A mare who had her back to him checking up on a box. "Excuse me," Taterz walked up behind the pony.

"Can I help you?" the pony turned to see who was talking to her.

"I was just wonde-" Captain Taterz stopped and stared at the mare before him.

"wondering?" the mare shuffled her feet as the captain continued to stare at her.

"What is that on your face?" he finally blurted out.

"I beg your pardon?" she looked at him confused.

"That thing on your face! What in all that is holy is that thing?" he moved his face closer to examine it only to feel a hoof drill into his left eye.

"The nerve of some ponies," and with a hmph, she walked away from the captain who was howling in pain.

Jeffrey walked up to the captain looking down at him smiling, "You seem to be quite the ladies man captain, no wonder the prince's fiancee took a liking to you," Jeffrey chuckled at his own joke.

"That was just a set back!" Captain Taterz yelled at Jeffrey.

"No that was a unicorn," Jeffrey corrected Taterz still smiling.

"The bloody hell is a unicorn doing in a land of horses?"

"Probably living," Jeffrey helped the captain to his feet.

"Very funny, you'll see I have great people skills!" Captain Taterz turned about looking for another pony to question. Finding one he bolted not hearing Jeffrey's snort from Captain Taterz last statement.

"Good evening!" Captain Taterz walked up beside the new pony.

"It's morning!" the other pony barked turning to look at the captain. "Who the hay are you?"

"I my good sir, am Captain Taterz, captain of the greatest vessel in the Fifth Catarina Empire, the wickerman!" Captain Taterz stood there smiling at the pony before him who continued to frown.

"What are you smiling at?!" the pony's voice was strong yet raspy and immediately ripped away from Captain Taterz smile and caused him to back up a bit.

"Well, what did you find out?" Jeffrey asked the captain as he walked over his head turned back to the pony he had just talked to cringing as the pony stared him down.

He turned to his first mate his smile back on his face, "well I found out where we are!"

"Well then, where are we?" Jeffrey looked at him expectantly

"We, my dear friend, are in Manehatten!" Captain Taterz stared at his first mate his smile widening.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"MANEhatten one of the largest cities of Equestria right up there with phillydelphia!"

"I figured it out I know where we are!" A smile began to spread on Jeffery's face.

"Well yeah because I just told you," Captain Taterz looked at his friend confused.

"No don't you get it? This is hell! I am in hell trapped with you as a horse and in a land with nothing but horse puns!" Jeffrey began to shake and finally fell to the ground sobbing. "What did I ever do to deserve this god?"

"If it makes you feel any better I may have found a ticket back home," Captain Taterz leaned in so his friend could hear him over his sobs.

Jeffrey jerked his head up and grabbed and pulled Taterz toward him. "How?" Jeffrey hissed.

"Well you see there is this magical princess that lives in this town called Canterlot and she may be able to create a portal that could take us back. We just need to head over to the train and it is a just a few days away! Also, how are you grabbing me?"

Both ponies looked down at Jeffrey's hoofs then back at each other. "I have no idea," Jeffrey let go of Taterz and got up from the ground.

"Well then, let's be off shall we?" Captain Taterz turned toward the exit of the docks and began walking.

"Indeed," Jeffrey said matching pace with Taterz.

"Toward adventure!"

"Or disaster!"

Author's Note

This was pure hell. First time I finished I did not hit submit and when I reread it I was not happy with it so I deleted it and tried to write a new one. That one I hit a button and WHOOSH all gone. Tried again and accidentally closed out my browser and did not save. So yeah, fun!