Bollocks of Steal

by Steelrain

Rating: mature
Tags: Human, Random
Length: 2233

A riveting tale of romance, drama and action unfolds in the near future of the fandom. Written by Steelrain and Ponykido228.

Deadward Rodriguez Testikhols, alias Lightning Buck, is your “run of the mill” brony living in Detroit; except he is a vampire. He weighs 269 pounds, measures 5’4” and has no sense of hygiene. He has 4 inch thick glasses, acne on every square inch of his face, and large puffy lips. His neckbeard is messy and unkempt, and is home to all sorts of vermin and has several splotches of white stain. Due to his chronic diarrhea, it is a Rarity to see him out in public, as he has terrible bowel control. Known to his Gaia Online friends to be 18 years old, he is actually 420 years old. He spends his free time on 420chan masturbating his 12mm dick to anything he can find, usually cartoon foals.

Written by Steelrain and Cocomunches/Ponykido228.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-06-02 23:47:09 UTC

Chapa Too: Ram Jam

Deadward woke up to his Winter Rap-up alarm clock early in the morning, shitting himself with excitement for his soon to be amazing day. Grabbing a new diaper on the way out, he grabbed the supplies he had prepared yesterday and headed out. He raced down stairs and went out the door, and began his journey. He loaded his supplies onto his Segway and started down the sidewalk, dragging friction sparks behind him. The Segway was clearly straining from the combined weight of Deadward and his 200 pounds of MLP merchandise, and spare diapers. After merely 5 minutes of operation, the Segway broke down, sending Deadward and his merch and diapers sprawling.

“Gee Willikers! My diapers!” shouted Deadward.

Deadward Shuffled to the floor and quickly grabbed what he could to save it from the dirty ground. He reached for his most prized possession, his limited edition blindbag Twilight Sparkle figurine, but a sandal covered sock had stomped the toy to pieces before he could get ahold of it.

“TWILY!” Cried Deadward as tears fell down his pimply face, running down his neckbeard and onto his jiggling man boobs. Johnny Cash started to sing “hurt” in his head.

“Look what we’ve got here, boys” chuckled the notorious leader of the Trixie Lulamoon posse, Ernest Bollox, a.k.a Shadow Bolt. “A Twifag!” The other gangsters chortled along with him, but the fattest one broke down into a coughing fit.

Deadward arose from the ground with a big fat frown on his big fat ugly red face.

“Listen here Ernest-” he said before being interrupted.

“It’s Shadow Bolt you stupid foal!” He sneered.

“Just because you and your little friends here are blind and do not know the true power of Twilight Sparkle, doesn’t mean you have to give me trouble. Whatever happened to love and tolerance?” Deadward snorted.

“Love and tolerance is for the dumb and foalish” he laughed as his buttbuddies joined in simultanously.

“I certainly hope you are not thinking about going to BronyCon Deadward, Or else we are going to have even more problems.” He farted. “Come on ponypals,” He ordered as he lead the group away.

Deadward looked at the remains of his favorite figurine that sat in his chubby hands. He cried and remembered all the times he came on it. Tears flooded his eyes and face as anger, sadness and indigestion filled his broken cholesterol clogged heart. He gathered what he could and trotted on towards the convention hall, not even stopping to change his soiled diaper.

Chappa tree: SpaghettiCon 2024

Deadward stood at the front doors of the convention center with shit oozing from his pants and sweat pouring down his slimy face; he had finally made it to BronyCon 2024. He shut his eyes slowly and took in a deep breath and took a moment to realise the trouble he could possibly run into while attending this event. Bollox had just told him  not to show up, so he knew he would be taking a chance of a run-in with the Trixie Lulamoon gang. He realized that he had to be strong, not just for himself, but for his Twily. He reached for the door with his stubby arms and gave it a push forward to open it. He was met with a cold blast of air and the smell of overweight many baby odor, and the warm smell of marinara sauce and pasta; he was truly at home. A smile grew on his pride and lard filled face as he jiggled in to meet his fellow manchildren.

“Greetings fellow bronies!” shouted a scrawny looking nerd with a noticeable lisp.

“And welcome to the 13th annual BronyCon! 20% cooler™ than last year!”

A roar of moans and shouts came from all around. Fans were shouting totally funny mainstream quotes from the show, and how their favorite pony is the best pony. Diapers and plushies littered the floor. Italian cuisine flew up into the air along with the fat hands and fingers of the babies. Deadward felt a tear of joy roll down his cheek, and joined in with the cheering.

“And now, we would like to welcome our first very special guest, our goddess of magic and friendship, the saggy titted voice actor of the one and only Princess Twilight Sparkle...”

Deadward shat himself as he heard those words, filling his already soaked diaper to the brim with feces and urine. He jiggled with excitement, realizing that he might actually meet Tara Strong for the first time. He thought about all the wet dreams he had had about her and how he could possibly have a chance with her.

“We will soon be together, my sweet princess” he whispered to himself.

“Tara Strong!” shouted the announcer as he began to sweat and blush. The one and only Tara Strong walked in her skimpy Twilight cosplay out onto the poorly constructed stage, and began to wave at the crazed land-whales.

Her wrinkle covered face and jugs had met the microphone. She cleared her throat by rudely coughing into the microphone and spreading her spit over the close fans.

“Bronies and pegasisters,” she began, “thank you all for coming here-”

She was cut off as a squad of the Lulamoon Posse charged at her from around the stage, bashing her to death with Trixie toys and chanting “death to twifags!” Deadward and others of the Twi-crew rushed to the stage to help their fallen queen, but were unable to move past the mass of bloated bodies blocking the stage.

Deadward’s eyes, clogged with tears, made out the twig like shape of his rival, Ernest who soon took center stage.

“Lisen op ere Twoifags, Me n me mates gon say these oence, yous bes get on outta ere or we gona make it wors for yous. This ere is territory of the Lulamoon posse.” Ernest then reached for the hand of his companion, a fair haired maiden standing in the background, but was met with a slap on the face as she ran away crying and eating.

Deadward was flustered and as full of anger as his diaper was full of bodily waste. The crowding background noise soon faded as he remembered all of the times he dreamed of him and Tara Strong being together. He knew it was the closest thing he could get to twilight, but it was all over. Tears flushed out of his eyes, mixing with the snot and marinara sauce. He knew that Ernest wouldn’t stop now, and he had to do something about it. While he was trying to think, he was so enraged that when he shit for the dozenth time that day, the seams of his pants broke apart, splattering the assailants with shit and piss. They scattered off the stage in a frenzy, and as Deadward just sat there stunned at what he had wrought, he caught the eye of a damsel in the distance. Their eyes met and the girl gave him a look of disgust, horror, and fascination, but this didn’t last long as Ernest rushed by and grabbed her by the horn of her Trixie cosplay.

“Come on Flimsy Dim, let’s get out of here!” Deadward heard Ernest shout to the girl.

Deadward felt an erection coming on as he recalled the maiden’s face. For the first time in quite awhile, Deadward smiled. He felt odd towards this woman, as if he “Loved” her. At first he felt repulsed by this emotion, as his loyalty had always been to his precious Twaifu. He had never loved any girl without hooves, either. Nonetheless he felt tingly and slightly flatulent whenever he thought of that mysterious girl. After a while of sitting there and thinking about her, he realized it was dark out and he was the only person left in the convention hall, and he got up and trudged off to his house. He really had to take a shit.

Chippy for: A challenger appears

The Twi-Crew had gathered around the grave, hand-in-hand to give a moment of silence to Tara, and to give thanks for all she had done for them. Deadward stood alone in the background, having a limited view of the grave, but had no interest in interacting with anyone else. His palms were sweaty, and he didn’t want to have to touch another human being. The Twi-Crew broke into singing “Spaghetti rap-up”, as it seemed fitting for the occasion.

♫It's time to welcome Spaghetti, all warm and neat,

but it's time to say goodbye, to the meats we might eat

alfredo sauce, and marinara too♫

They stopped there, as all of them thought everyone else except for them was singing off-key.

Deadward was too sad to stay for the free food, so he sent off to home. Surrounded by rain and vacant streets, he had time to think about that special girl once again. He thought about slapping her floppy tits about and licking her fabulous monobrow. He decided then and there that he had to find this girl right away, at any cost, and have sex with her. It never occurred to him if she would be willing or not, because he knew he was irresistible.

He arrived at his apartment door, and noticed a crinkled note with poor penmanship resting on his handcrafted Twilight Sparkle welcome mat he bought for $400 on eBay. He slowly bent over as far as he could and grabbed it in his pudgy fingers. He sat down at his computer desk and looked the note over. When after 10 minutes he decided there definitely wasn’t any money or food in there, he started to read.

“Dear Faggot,

I tot bout’ ow you decided to show op to BronyCon yesterday, and wonted to say sori for wut you had to see. I wish I cold haf made et bit longer but I had to have crazy sex wif me betch. I’m sure u wont to get bak at me mate so why dun we have alil’ duel. As oi’m chalengin u, u can pic ow we duel. Pokemons or yugioh, ur choic.

yoaurs truley,

Shadow Bolt”

“Is this guy a fucking idiot?” Said Deadward aloud. “Pokemon or yugioh? OBVIOUSLY I’ll pick yugioh, only faggots and little kids play pokemon. Yugioh is for real men.”

Deadward crumpled up the paper wIth all of his strength and threw it on the floor. He barged through his door and grabbed his decks, and a pair of diapers, this time for his rival to use after he beats him senseless. At least, that’s what he told himself. More than likely he would end up using them himself. You can’t be a duelmaster with soiled pants.

He loaded up his brand-new segway and rolled out to meet his rival at the mall food court.

Prologue

In the near yet distant future of the year 2024, in the brony infested city of Detroit, Michigan lies a subtle yet disgustingly kept household in the mane-street apartment complex. Room 2-420 harbors the lard infested man baby known as Deadward Rodriguez Testikhols, better know as Lightning Buck. The 18 year old neckbeard is blind when it comes to emotions outside of his little girl’s show and eating pineapple pizzas, but he is soon to find out that his life is about to take a dramatic turn, for better or worse. It all started on a rainy Friday night.

Chaptero Uno: Housestuck

It was 11pm on a Friday night and Deadward was at home vigorously masturbating to his favorite pieces of horse plot on the internet. After an intense round of 2 minute masturbation, Deadward decided to check up on Equestria Daily for current events. He was met with a gift from the gods, viewing the colorful advertisment for the 13th annual BronyCon. To his luck, it was this Saturday, right in his hometown, Detroit! There was nothing in the world that could have made him happier. He was so happy he shit himself then and there in repetitive shots, for the 5th time that day. He jumped to his feet and quickly prepared for the upcumming event. He gathered his homemade costume, favorite fedoras, plushies, books, toys, dvds, posters, artwork and diapers, and placed it near the front door.

He was too excited to wait, he paced around the house until he began to sweat profusely and pant like a duck. He began to daydream about how his visit to his 13th BronyCon would be. He imagined the delicious food and hoped that his favorite dish, spaghetti, would be served. He thought about the other participants, wondering if any females would attend, and if any would be good enough for him. Each year, he looks for the perfect one, but ends with no luck; no girl is worth his good looks and charm. He walked over to the window and looked outside to the rain. As a frown appeared on his fat pimply face, he broke into song, asking himself “Will I ever find the perfect one? Will I meet my Twily? Will I be able to insert my dick inside of her plot? Will I be able to cum inside her? Or will I be stuck on this world forever...alone.” He changed into his Twilight Sparkle Jammies and slipped into his silky violet bed to dream of his sweet love.