The Little Penis That Could
Two winged, horned figures stood in the dead of night, screaming angrily at each other, their massive frowns accentuated by the mysterious and cool markings on their red and black coats.
One was very dark and mysterious with a brooding past, after all, it isn't easy being the single father of hundreds of mutant alicorn babies, most of which were killed in a car fire, even if you're stronger than Superman and the princesses combined.
The other was one of the few surviving daughters(though she doesn't remember cause that's dark and cool) of the horrifying incident.
Now the two were at odds, and what had started out as a friendly game of sex pong had quickly devolved into both parties shooting spite from their sentence spitters.
"How dare you talk down to me you sexy, delicious fool, I am Princess Celery, ruler of equestria!"
"Foolish girl, there is no Princess Celery, only my daughters may rule this kingdom," stated King Axius, the sexy father of both alicorn princesses, "oh, and Cadence rules too I suppose, but nobody really even cares about her, she's a background princess."
"If there is no Princess Celery, then who are you talking to? Check mate." Replied the deviously delicious celery princess.
King Axius frowned even harder, reminded of his dark, epicly mysterious path that was also courageous and cool. He walked up to Celery, looking deep into her eyes, into her very soul.
"Celery... don't you recognize your own father? You should know that I was the one that taught you that transformation trick. You know, the one you used to spy on Luna in the shower with?"
"Papa... But, you've been gone for so long! They said you were dead! Where were you when I needed you?... I... "Celery turned away from her father, a single tear falling from her succulent, squishy eyeball,"... I have no father..."
King Axius wrapped a wing around his beloved daughter.
" I am sorry Celery. But don't you remember what happened to Luna with teh Nightmare Moon incident? I had to go to the moon to save Luna while your mother, Galaxia, battled Nightmare Moon." Said Axius, you see, in this universe Nightmare and Luna are different people.
It's more mysterious that way.
"I don't want to hear it! You left me, your daughter, all alone for so long... I..." Celery broke down into mysterious, dark tears.
"LISTEN TO ME CELERY! If I didn't go to the moon, you would have lost your sister! I am in enough agony over your mother's death. The last thing she said was for me to do the best I could. NOW STOP ACTING LIKE A FOAL!" Axius screamed with tears in his mysterious red and black eyes," I APOLOGIZE! I DIDN'T MEAN TO LEAVE YOU! WOULD YOU RATHER'VE ME LET LUNA DIE? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? DO YOU WISH FOR YOUR LITTLE SISTER TO BE DEAD, JUST SO YOU COULD HAVE A FATHER? IS IT?"
Celery wiped the tears out of her eyes.
" Yes... Luna's death would herald a new and glorious age for all pony kind. Perhaps you're too blind to see it, but my vision goes beyond the workings of mere alicorns. Can you not hear them? Whispering from the stars. They're coming, and when they do I will greet them with open forelegs. If only you had died with mother like you were supposed to... Now it seems I'll just have to kill you myself. Nothing will stop the plans I've set into motion, least of all you. NOW DIE! "
Princess Celery lunged with her horn pointed directly at the brooding(and mysterious) heart of her father, charging with the force of a thousand dung beetles.
"ENOUGH!" Axius confines Celery with his powerful, magical grip,"I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH THIS! YOU ARE HEREBY STRIPPED OF YOUR MAGIC!" Axius focused all of his incredibly secretive and powerful magic(which by the way is mysterious, you have to read my other stories to get it.) snapping off Celery's horn," until you realize your mistake, I am keeping you under my watch, with no magic. Do you understand?"
Celery squirmed and thrashed in Axius's grip, a sparkle shower emanating from the space where her horn used to be.
" I'll flay you alive, you hear me!? This changes nothing! A reckoning is coming, and you'll be powerless to stop it! You'll doom all my little ponies with your arrogance!"
Axius slapped Celery in the face.
"YOU ARE NOT THE RULER! YOUR SISTER CELESTIA RULES EQUESTRIA! Celery, look at you: you used to be a happy little filly, always making us all smile. Why are you doing this, look at yourself! trapped in a magical hold, with no horn, and angry. LOOK AT YOURSELF! SNAP OUT OF IT, I WANT MY LITTLE CELERY BACK!" Axius dropped the hold and embraced his daughter, crying into her shoulder," please Celery, go back to that adorable little filly we all loved... please... for your mother....."
"You're... You're right... I'm so sorry, daddy. I don't know what came over me... Celery slowly inched towards her father with half-lidded eyes, she put her lips against his, in a long, passionate tongue lock," Let's say we take things back to my bedchambers."
King Axius grinned lustfully at his sexy daughter.
" Of course my little Celery Stalk." he said as he nuzzled her wings.
As it turns out, Celery's bedchambers are deep below Canterlot mountain, kilometers under the planet's crust, and are surrounded by a lake of magma that extends as far as the eye can see in every direction. Celery threw her father onto her lush, comfortable bed made of jagged obsidian pieces before hopping in to join him.
" I must say, daddy, I never thought you'd be so open to the idea of incest. Then again, with mother gone, I can see why." Celery leaned in and gave Axius another kiss before pulling away." Before we do this, I have something to confess... I... " Celery squealed, too nervous to utter another syllable.
Axius gave his daughter a kiss.
" Go on dear, say it." The good king rubbed Celery's wings sensually," What is on your mind? Tell Daddy."
"I-I'm not actually a mare... I'm a dude... Also, I'm not actually a pony. I'm really a giant fly." Princess Celery pulled off his extremely convincing pony costume to reveal the hideous insect underneath. He hopped on top of King Axius, pinning his arms and legs to the bed with his, hard, hairy appendages.
"I'm going to rape you," whispered the fly before ramming its proboscis into Axius's mouth and vomiting profusely.
Axius spat out the sticky proboscis.
" I'm not a pony either, lol total trollfail," Axius removed his costume to reveal a giant spider, and they started having delicious bug sex. The fly inched its probing proboscis towards the spider's sensitive spinnerets, puking all over them.
Axius and Celery bolted upright.
"That was a crazy dream Celery... where were we?"
"That was a weird dream. Oh yeah, we were at the part where we were about to have disgusting incestral relations together. " Celery bent down to kiss her father, when suddenly a huge tyrannosaurus burst forth from the lava, and began breathing fire at our delicious protagonists.
"HOLY SHIT!"
Axius and Celery jumped away at the last second, avoiding the fire that turned the bed into a magma crater.Celery got up to blast the beast to bits, before she realized that her horn was still gone.
" I got this! " Axius attacked the T-Rex with a fiery assault of spells, killing it. Than teleported Celery as well as himself to Celestia's bedchambers, where he threw Celery onto the bed and kissed her with a passionate fury, after he replaced her horn and seaed it on using magical Rogaine(which by the way does not work on pubic hair)"Better dear? Daddy apologizes for hurting you. He'd like to make you feel better."
Axius kissed his daughter, trailing them downwards toward her privates, "much, much better. That is, if you'll let me? Do you want Daddy to make you feel better?"
"Abso-fucking-lutely," replied Celery as she plunger her father's face into her awaiting nethers. Axius blew on her moist, furry pussy lips, and Celery moaned in frustration at the teasing of her father.
"Just lick me already."
Axius complied, licking along the labia majora, applying just enough force to spread the sensitive sideways smile, sending sensual sensation shooting through the soft, squishy inner parts. He licked his way down to the labia minora, finding the small vaginal opening. Axius thrust his broad, flat tongue into the hole, eliciting pleasured moans of delight from his alicorn daughter. Axius's tongue was just long enough to lightly lick Celery's cervix.
All the while, Axius's nose tickled Celery's clitoris, and the combination of vaginal and clitoral stimulation cause tumults of pleasure-filled spasms to radiate throughout Princess Celery's body.
After several minutes of sensual stimulation, Celery's inexperienced body was pushed over the edge, and a torrential downpour of orgasmic delight consumed Celery's entire being.
Unfortunately, Axius was unable to find le g-spot despite his skill so Celery didn't squirt.
"Lol, loser, you couldn't help me achieve maximum orgasm," taunted Celery.
"Yeah well at least my genitals don't taste like salty milk and pennies."
"Whatever, just stick it in me already."
"Fine," Axius prepared to thrust his hard horse-cock deep into the cunt cave, but even though he's pretty good at oral, he is a quickshot noob, and he came all over the place before he could initiate the launch sequence. Basically, think of all of the rockets that exploded before Apollo, except it's a cumming cock.
Celestia suddenly walked in, seeing her father and sister having delicious cunnilingus related fun on her bed.
"What are you doing to my sister (Princess Celery), Daddy?!" She shrieked in confusion. Axius looked up at her with wide-eyes as he exposed his retard-face, now realizing that coming to this particular room might have been a bad idea.
While your head was turned away, Celery used her newly regained magic to bash the back of her father's head in with a nearby nightstand, temporarily knocking him out.(seriously, if you stupid readers had been paying attention, none of this would have happened, shame on you.)
"Aha! All part of my plan! *Celestia looked confused because she's stupid, but she was at least smart enough to be angry at Celery for attacking her father. Celery simply teleported away before Celestia could do anything though, and went to go work on her evil plans.
Axius awakened and rubbed his mighty head before seeing Celestia.
"Dad, what were you doing with Celery?"
"Celestia, you know that it is perfectly normal, besides I know you and Luna have done the same thing. Isn't Blueblood your son?"
Celestia turns away, blushing.
"Anyways, we have to stop Celery, she means to kill Luna!"
Axius teleported to Celery's position, completely forgetting Celestia because hey, fuck you.
" CELERY! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS? Axius walked over to his daughter and took a wing in his mouth," Answer me right now, or you lose your wing."
It was at that point the ever stupid(but still cool and mysterious) King Axius realized that it wasn't Princess Celery at all, but an actual celery stalk. Looking around, he saw hundreds, no thousands of identical stalks, each as large as the last. Axius spat out the Celery, remembering that Celery is his least favorite fruit. Suddenly, a voice came whispering from the darkness and seemed to echo around the Celery cave he found himself in.
" Ingenious isn't it? I used my kawarimi-no jutsu to replace myself with a whole cave full of giant Celery stalks. It's my 'secret place' for a reason. No one can possibly find me in here. Now then, since you're here, how about a little game. You like games, right? One of these Celery stalks is actually a nuclear weapon, and it's your task to find out which one. The clock is ticking, don't take too long... Oh yes, while you're distracted with that, I think I'll pay my dear sister a visit. Ta-ta."
Axius sent away the nuclear warheads( don't ask how or bees will sting you) and teleported to where Celery and Luna were fighting while in Kill Bill jumpsuits.
" Celery stop! Luna isn't your sister! She is your mother!"
Celery stopped and looked confused.
Celery turned away from a battered Luna to see that Axius teleported in and a massive smile erupts across her obnoxious face.
"You're even more foolish than I thought, father. Did you honestly think you could defeat me so easily? By simply teleporting in here and putting me down? You know I wasn't lying about one of the celery stalks being a nuclear weapon. I wasn't entirely truthful either. They were all nuclear weapons. I used my super stronk magic to steal the United State's entire nuclear arsenal. That's enough explosives to, I don't know, level the surface of this planet and then some, and you just whisked them off to some far off land as though that would help. I will bring about a new age for pony kind as I said, but before that I need to wipe the slate clean. I will reshape ponies in my image, even if it takes a million years. I'm patient and immortal. The blast will not hurt me as I've made preparations, and neither will the nuclear winter that follows. Unfortunately, I can't say the same for you. "
The game.
*le timer on le nuclear warheads le times out and they le detonate. Le entire planet le splodes.*
*but for some reason, the explosion is stopped before it reaches us. Axius grinned as a familiar blue box appeared, and from it stepped a light brown earth pony.
" Can't be destroying the planet now, can we?" said the sexy stallion, as he focused his ocular devices(his eyes) on Celery," you seem to be the trouble."
The delicious doctor walked over to Celery and poked her with a buzzing Sonic Screwdriver," there we go. You retain your wings and horn, but can no longer use magic or fly. As for the explosion." The doctor pulled out a device and turned it on. It glowed green and teh explosion disappeared, leaving the planet intact and perfect," Right then, come along Roseluck," Roseluck followed him and they disappeared in the TARDIS. Axius looked at Celery.
"Doctor Whooves, always there when I need him." Axius slapped Celery again(I suppose it's his fetish)" Celery, listen to me: Luna is your mother. I didn't leave you to save your sister, oh no. I left you to kill that evil bitch Nightmare Moon for stealing her from you."
"This is true Celery," interjected the sexy Luna.
And then Celery gave up her evil ways and they all lived happily ever after. Celery, Axius, Luna, Shrek, Celestia, even Master Chief showed up and they all had a happy family reunion. Then Axius remembered that Master Chief isn't real... He bolted upright as he awoke from that strange dream. His vision was blurred his cranium ached, and it felt like something had smacked him in the back of the head.
" So glad you're awake, papa." Axius looked around to see that his legs were all chained to a table and his horn was encased in multiple gem-studded lead rings nullifying his magic.
" You should have known it was a dream. Doctor Whooves doesn't exist in real life. Yeah, I'm so stronk that I see dreams. I was wondering how long you'd stay asleep." Princess Celery walked up wearing a hazmat suit," I'd love to stay and monologue, but I have some deadly neurotoxin to release into the atmosphere. I hope you like it."
Celery pulled a lever on the wall causing streams of potent, liquid nerve gas to rain from sprinklers on the ceiling,"I'll be back later to bury your corpse."
Axius smiled, "You obviously don't know a thing about me do you? I suppose that makes sense though, after all, you didn't read the rest of the series, so you know nothing of my dark backstory." The chains began to groan," I don't need magic to fight." The chains snapped, releasing Axius," I need technology."
Lines of code and wires appeared," You should pay attention to your surroundings more Celery. And don't try magic, it won't work. This body is made of maginyte, the magic proof ore." Axius stood up and ripped off Celery's helmet, exposing her mysterious face to the dark and brooding neurotoxin.
It was at that moment when Axius realized that it wasn't Celery in the suit at all, but yet another large Celery stalk. Or rather, a nuclear warhead disguised as a Celery stalk. The real Celery was hundreds of miles away, drinking pink lemonade through a sippy straw in a vault somewhere as billions of gallons of neurotoxin were spread through the air and water by an army of robots. Axius's eyes widened as he realized his moose-y fate. The nuclear warhead detonated, giving Axius a 30 megaton punch in the face. Meanwhile, Celery looked on from the safety of her bunker through my 60 inch LED flat screen TV(bitch stole it, but that happens in the first book, go read it).
"Neat!"
For some stupid, unexplained reason, Celery looked closely at the screen and gasped. Axius was still standing, even smiling, and just a small scorch mark was the only blemish on his perfect body. King Axius looked up at the camera.
" I found you, Celery. You should upgrade your technology. Actually, it wouldn't work, so that renders my previous dialogue moot and stupid." Axius stepped out of the TV screen," I can always find my way through code." Axius swaggered over to the now cowering form of Celery," Turn. It. Off. Now."
King Axius strolled over to the sexy Celery, right into her trap! A bear trap to be precise. And not just any bear trap, it's made out of magnets, Axius's one weakness!
" It's neurotoxin, I can't turn it off. It has already been spread across the planet. Even one drop is enough to kill thousands." Then Princess Celery meltedinto goo, revealing for the first time that she's actually a blob monster, before seeping through a drain in the floor and escaping out into the vast ocean.
" Thankfully, unlike the fish, I'm immune to neurotoxin."
Axius looked at teh trap and sighed. His leg shot out beams of light, vaporizing the trap. Axius follows Celery and traps her in an electromagnetic barrier. "Then you've killed your son Celery. You've killed your son."
But it's too late, Axius's Gary Stu bullshit powers began to fade. He turned his head 180 degrees to see that Chuckward The Almighty was on his back, humping him into oblivion.
Axius tried to clench his anus but it was too late, Chuckward's manly meat penetrated his cavernous crevass. Axius moaned as Chuckward Donkey punched his prostate.
"You're gay now, and there's nothing you can do except accept my meaty cum cannon." stated Chuckward.
But as it turned out, Chuckward had been humping an explosive clone, and it decided at that time to fulfill its duty and blow up everything.
Unfortunately for Axius, all it did was launch Chuckward out and directly to the real him.
"Your anus will never be safe!" screamed Chuckward," trying not to get raped like me is like trying to beat Silver The Hedgehog, it's no use!"
"Well it's too bad for you that I'm a robot, so wild, raping Chuckwards are of no concern to me, as I have no anus."
"Too bad I'm an engineer, so I give you a robo-anus."
"It's also too bad that I am of the Spectre model of robots, so I am like a ghost, and still cannot have an anus."
"Good thing ghost-bots are my specialty. Your new ghost-bot anus feels great.
"Well it is a good thing that Doctor Whooves turned you into a vegetable, so now I am safe. Thanks Doctor."
"Too bad you're high on RLSD, and simply hallucinated seeing the doctor turn me into a veggie tale. The harsh reality is, I'm raping your slut butt, and there's nothing you can do about it."
"Well, it's a good thing I'm not alive, so that means that Chuckward is a Necrophile."
"I sure am, god damn your cold, dead anus is fantastic. In fact, it's so amazing that I'm going to fuck you into oblivion.," Chuckward began pounding prostate like John Henry on crack, reducing Axius to sex mush," Now you're nothing more than a massive mound of meat being mutilated by my manhood."
Chuckward's orgasm was strong and glorious, launching Axius's fucked carcass into a black hole. His twisted, broken remains attempted to struggle against the immeasurable gravitational force, but it proved to be futile. Light can't escape it, and Axius, even with his retarded Gary Stu powers, are unable to escape its grip as well.
The last thing Axius felt was the cold embrace of space as he was crushed and torn asunder by the black void of flaming nothingness.
And then every living thing on the planet except Celery was killed off by the copious amounts of neurotoxin she released into the air and water. Only She survived, seeing that she's a goo monster and goo is immune to death. Once everything else was dead, Celery got to work on reshaping life into her own image by laying millions upon millions of eggs that eventually hatched into tiny versions of her. Then they grew and laid eggs of their own, and so on until every available space on the planet is filled with Princess Celerys. Seeing as how she doesn't need air or any type of sustenance to survive, and she's able to create infinite copies of herself using matter syphoned from other dimensions, she and her offspring continued laying trillions of eggs at an exponentially increasing rate. Billions of years in the future, she, as well as her mass of mutant goo babies, have finally filled up every available piece of space in what at some point seemed like a never ending universe.
Everything is now princess Celery. She wins. The end.