A Day in Which The Stars Align For Total, Undeniable Sanity-Strudel (A.K.A. "Femur Of Hope")
Starbloom Sparkle awoke with a soft yawn. She noticed the sun was up. She was a bit shocked by this, as this was the first time since arriving in THIS Equestria she had slept long enough for the sun to rise. It was a Saturday, though, her first Saturday since arriving in THIS Equestria. She quickly went downstairs to examine the time. She gasped when the library clock read 1:30 P.M.
"Was I really asleep THAT long?" Starbloom thought aloud. "So much for breakfast...." surprisingly, Starbloom wasn't hungry anyway, possibly because her stomach was used to eating early and not at 1:30 P.M. in the afternoon. "Stupid friggen stomach...." Starbloom cursed. She trotted into the kitchen, popped open the refrigerator, and grabbed the gallon of milk that was teasing her with all of it's milkiness.
Well, that is, she TRIED to grab it, with her magic, but she remembered she didn't have magic in THIS Equestria. She still had to get used to THIS Equestria.
"Dang it....." Starbloom cursed again with a slight furrow in her eyebrows. She then suddenly gained a confident expression, like when you kill the giant spider that put a hit on your family. Yeah, THAT kind of expression. "I don't need magic.....I will conquer this milk with brute force and a keen femur!" Starbloom then grasped both of her front hooves around the milk-jug, and heaved.
Unfortunately for Starbloom, she was just Twilight with a cuter name, and since she was just Twilight with a cuter name, she had no muscle. She was just a unicorn without a horn, and unicorns didn't NEED muscles because they had a HORN and thus they were all OP and stuff. But Starbloom had no horn....so she wasn't OP any longer. She frowned at this realization.
Starbloom settled for grasping the top of the jug with her teeth, and flailing it across the library towards Owlowiscious.
"Who-" Owlowiscious could not finish his riveting sentence as the milk jug cold-cocked him right in the skull, exploding like a milk frag, rendering him unconscious, and probably dead. I don't know. Maybe somebody who has experiences with milk-jug related injuries can tell us if milk-jugs actually CAN kill?
No? Nobody? God, you people live mundane lives.
Anyway, the milk-jug had exploded and made a milk pond of some sort on the hardwood floor. Starbloom paid this no mind because she was Starbloom and that's how the kettle cries. She just shrugged.
"Guess I should go take a shower, because I smell like ass....." Starbloom pondered, then turned to the right of her with a cheeky smile on her face. "No offense."
"None taken...." That one random mule who seems to always show up in this kind of situation said.
"Really?" Starbloom replied with twinkling eyes. This would be the first time anypony, anymule, or anySmittyWerbenjagermanjensen had ever said 'none taken' to her in THIS Equestria.
The mule responded by simply knocking out Starbloom.
"I WILL EAT YOUR FAMILY." The mule said before running off, leaving Starbloom in a pool of her own air blood.
Starbloom quickly recovered, gathering herself back up onto her hooves. She said nothing, although she was happy, because that was the first time any entity had ever punched her and threatened to "eat her family" in THIS Equestria.
Starbloom went upstairs into the bathroom, and stared at the shower curtains.
"Welp, time to get NEKKID." Starbloom proceeded to remove the clothes she didn't wear, and pulled open the shower curtain. She was stunned when she saw Twist standing in HER shower, scrubbing her coat with HER loofah, eating out of a bag of HER SWEDISH FISH™!!!!!!!!!!!
"Hi, Stawbloom! You wanna thee my secwet fweckle?"
Starbloom's jaw dropped, and her right eye began to twitch. "M-....my loofah.....my s-shower.....MY SWEDISH FISH™!?!?!??!" She was now beaming with rectal anger. She suddenly became VERY curious, though. "Wait.....where IS your secret freckle?"
Twist giggled. "On my theeeemuuurr...."
"I'M IN." Starbloom immediately blurted out, jumping into the shower and closing the curtains.
------ONE SEXY SHOWER SCENE LATER-------
"W-well.....that certainly was...." Starbloom cleared her throat. "Special.....a-...and secret...."
"But thun!" Twist added.
"Y-yes.....secret, but fun...."
"Well, I'll thee you later, Stawbloom!" Twist bonked Starbloom on the head with her own loofah, making her fall to the floor in agony. Twist then used the milk, which still hadn't been cleaned up, as a slip-n-slide, crashing through the door with Starbloom's bag of Swedish Fish™ and loofah still intact.
Starbloom stood back up, rubbing her head where her horn would be. She was starting to get irritated now. So far today, she had been: Attacked by a mule, whatever Twist is, and had her loofah AND Swedish Fish stolen by.....whatever Twist is....
"I need to take a breather." She looked towards Twilight's desk. "I wonder what Twili-err....mom is reading...." She began to trot over to Twilight's desk with a hopeful smile. "Perhaps a good book will kinder my spirits...."
Starbloom sat down at Twilight's desk, the book in front of her IMMEDIATELY interesting her just by the title. "Hmmmm....The Sparkle Family history? This book wasn't in the library in THAT Equestria, but it seems to be in THIS Equestria....." Starbloom shrugged. "Oh well. I'm STILL Twilight, so I guess it wouldn't hurt to delve deeper into my family's rich lineage..."
Starbloom scanned the book vigorously, as it was very fascinating stuff. She knew some of it, like her mother being a mystery novelist, and her father working in pediatrics, but most of it was foreign to her. Not to mention, VERY exciting to learn.
However, towards the end of the book, something really jarred out at Starbloom.....she got to Twilight, her mother. She expected a colossal amount of information on THIS Equestria's Twilight, most of which would probably be different from herself. That would have been like brain candy for Starbloom.
Instead, Starbloom was met with information.....on a strange entity....named 'Plummy.'
Starbloom rose a quizzical eyebrow. "T-there's a member of this Twilight's family named....Plummy?" Starbloom couldn't help but snicker a bit at this. Starbloom turned the page, and was shocked to find out, that Plummy was a full-fledged PLUM. Starbloom's mouth suddenly began to water. Starbloom found many pictures of Plummy with Twilight's parents. There was a picture of Plummy riding a dolphin and ceremoniously getting tossed 68.3 feet in the air from said dolphin and landing in an oil rig, there was a picture of Plummy killing a Toucan with a cinnamon stick, and there was even a picture of Plummy sword-fighting with a dyslexic sloth that also appeared to have Parkinson's disease. Starbloom was clueless at this point.
But the most telling photo of ALL, was the photo of multiple unicorns performing high-level spells on Plummy. Spells that turned her into a filly....a fully functioning filly. Starbloom frowned at the sudden disappearance of the plum.
"Wait.....does this mean....?" Starbloom gasped, putting her front hooves against her mouth in shock.
"I believe it does....."
"Who?" Owlowiscious chimed in, sparking new hope for owls EVERYWHERE.
"YOU'RE STILL ALIVE?!"
--------MEANWHILE-----------
"Don't go chasin' Waterfalls.....please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to..." Twilight Sparkle continued to trot home to her library, singing this catchy tune that she had made up OUT OF NOWHERE! She had been having a whirl-wind of a day so far, that's for sure.....she was apparently "Plumlight Sparkle" now. She growled at the name. She could only imagine how long it'd take until the name made it around Ponyville in waves.
Suddenly, Featherweight ran in front of Twilight, holding his camera and his notepad, just in case things got.....DOWN AND DIRTY. MMM. This stopped Twilight in her tracks. Twilight smiled at the young colt, who would always come into the library looking to find the newest issue of the Spidercolt comic books. What does this mean? I'm not sure. Probably something, though.
"Hello, Featherweight. What can I do-"
"Featherweight of the Foal Free Press." Featherweight interrupted, introducing himself even though Twilight already knew him. "Twilight Sparkle, how does it feel to be a mutated plum?"
Twilight gritted her teeth at the brutally inappropriate question. Apparently, not very long at all..... she thought angrily.
"Look, I'm not some mutated freak. You wanna know whose a mutated freak? That Amanda Bynes! Why don't you go interview HER?" Twilight stomped off without another word, leaving Featherweight utterly confused.
"Whose Amanda Bynes?" Featherweight asked nopony in particular.
"Amanda Bynes. Newest resident crack-whore of Earth." Lyra said, appearing beside Featherweight, reciting information like some creepy minty human dictionary THING.
Featherweight gasped, struggling to retrieve his notepad in his grasp in time to get the scoop! THE SCOOP OF SALSA-no.
"Featherweight. Foal Free Press. Lyra Heartstrings, how does it feel to be a mutated bowl of Pistachio ice cream?"
Lyra chuckled. "Well, personally, I feel I possess the inner workings of Rocky Road ice cream more-so than Pistachio- but eh, what can ya do? Ponies are gonna think what they're gonna think."
Featherweight nodded, writing all that Lyra had said, even if it wasn't COMPLETELY what he had in mind. He then began to blush. "Ummm....Lyra?"
"Yeah, kid?"
"Would you mind if I.....I mean....I was just wondering if it'd be possible if I could....T-taste you?"
Lyra smirked. "Sure, kid!" Lyra then pulled a bowl of rocky road seemingly out of.....somewhere, and handed it to Featherweight. Featherweight dug the spoon into the bowl, and shoved it into his mouth. He moaned at the delightful sensation, and then swallowed.
"Well?" Lyra asked in anticipation.
Featherweight paused for a moment. "You're right. You are SO Rocky Road...."
Lyra chuckled. "Told ya." She then walked off.
-------MEANWHILE--------
Twilight closed the door of the library behind her. "Starbloom, I'm hoo-oo-o-WAAAHHHH!" She didn't see the milk when she walked in, so, naturally, she slipped and fell. Starbloom trotted over to her mother and dragged her out of the BP milk spill.
"Sorry, mom.....I was only trying to claim the milk-jug IN THE NAME OF NARNIA! But, ya know.....the tragic irony...."
"No thumbs?" Twilight suspected. Starbloom only nodded, frowning.
"I'm sorry things didn't work out for you today, Starbloom." Twilight consoled. "I haven't been having a very good day, either...."
"Speaking of which...." Starbloom grabbed the book she had just finished reading, and shoved it in Twilight's face. "Can you please explain THIS to me?"
Twilight facehoofed. "I KNEW I should've re-shelved that book after I was done with it...." Twilight sighed as she saw those dreaded "Plummy" pictures again. She closed the book, and put it back on the "NSFW" shelf, which was where it belonged forever and ever.
"Aha! So you ARE a plum!" Starbloom began to lick her lips.
"No, Starbloom...." Twilight said with another sigh. "Let me explain.....the whole "Plummy" thing was nothing more than a prank."
"A prank?" Starbloom said with a hint of sadness in her voice.
"Yes, a prank." Twilight continued. "I couldn't figure out if it was Pinkie Pie or Rainbow Dash who was doing it, but after some investigation....I found out that it was actually The Cutie Mark Crusaders....along with....Diamond Tiara...."
Starbloom gasped. "Diamond Tiara? But, I thought she HATED the girls...."
"Turns out it was just Silverspoon pressuring her into bullying them the whole time....she actually has no problem with them. I for one, think it's great progress for a filly who was once-"
"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Vick's vapor rub and what-not.....back to you being a plum...."
"Starbloom....I'm NOT a PLUM..." Twilight repeated herself, this time in a more irritated tone.
It was now Starbloom's turn to sigh. "Twilight.....I've been meaning to keep this a secret from you....but, I guess I have no choice now...."
Twilight was all ears, as she was curious as to what Starbloom was hiding from her. "What is it, Starbloom? You can tell me. After all, I AM your mother...."
"Mom...." Starbloom gulped, but she knew there was no escaping now. She HAD to tell. "I like plums....."
Twilight giggled. "Well, Starbloom, I too enjoy a nice plum every once in a while-"
"No.....mom.....you DON'T understand.....I REALLY.....like.....plums...."
Twilight decided to humor her daughter. "How much do you like plums, Starbloom?"
"....LOTS....."
"Oh my.....that's quite a lot!"
"Yup. I once had sex with a plum...."
Twilight's eyes bulged. She HOPED her daughter was joking.
"I'm not joking, mom...." So much for that.
"WHY would you want to have SEX with a plum?!"
"I wanted babies." Starbloom honestly answered. Twilight couldn't believe what she was hearing.....
"W-well...umm.....how did THAT work out?"
"I didn't get to have babies. He couldn't release his seed...." Immediately, Starbloom collapsed on the floor in a fit of laughter. "GET IT?! Because plums don't have seeds! AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!"
"Starbloom....." Twilight dead-panned. "If you're trying to be funny.....stop your nefarious acts.....also, plums DO have seeds, so your argument is inval-"
"DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT!" Starbloom howled, shoving one of her hooves in Twilight's mouth. "I didn't even HAVE an argument to begin with....also, you WOULD know that....because you ARE a plum!"
Twilight shoved her daughter's hoof out of her mouth, spitting in multiple directions. "It's common sense, Starbloom...and I am NOT a plum!"
"But....you're purple...." Starbloom countered.
"SO ARE YOU!" Twilight said, snorting out steam.
Starbloom looked at her own hooves, and chuckled. "Heh. Whadda ya know?" Twilight rolled her eyes at this display.
"Enough games, mom....." Starbloom grabbed a salt shaker, and looked to be on the verge of using her to her full advantage. "IT'S NOM NOM TIME."
Twilight rose an eyebrow. "No, no nom nom time."
"No nom nom time?" Starbloom asked, Twilight shook her head. "Awwwww...." Starbloom dropped the salt shaker to the floor in disgust and agony.
Twilight put a hoof on her daughter's shoulder. "What do you see when you look at me right now, Starbloom?"
"A talking plum." Starbloom answered honestly.
"THAT'S IT?"
"Well, a talking plum with a horn and hooves."
"And yet you STILL want to eat me?!"
Starbloom grinned. "I believe the horn and hooves would bring crunch value to an otherwise juicy and succulent plate!"
"Unbelievable....." Twilight procured with a facehoof, something she had been doing a lot of today. "Starbloom, you NEED to get that image out of your head, because I PROMISE you, I am NOT a plum....I'm exactly who you are...."
"A plum?" Starbloom asked, confused.
"GRRRRR....." Twilight was about to burst, but she was able to regain her composure before her daughter became a casualty of her pluminess. "Go take a walk, Starbloom...it may help clear your head."
"I hope so..." Starbloom replied. "I don't wanna eat you, mom....I believe you....It's just....if you could SEE what I'm seeing....dang...."
Twilight did something she hadn't done yet...she hugged her daughter. An actual warm embrace. It was much needed at the time.
"It's okay, Starbloom....we'll get through this....."
"I love you, daddy...."
Needless to say, Twilight Sparkle was not amused.
"Start walkin'...."
-----------MEANWHILE-----------
"Attention, Cutie Mark Crusaders!" Diamond Tiara boomed from inside the Cutie Mark Crusaders clubhouse. "I, have finally found the PERFECT, sure-fire way, for you three to get your cutie-marks!"
The three crusaders clapped in response.
"Ah'm guessin' it has somethin' ta do with Silverspoon?" Apple Bloom asked, pointing to Silverspoon, who was gagged and tied up in a chair in the corner next to the idea lightbulb.
"Correct!" Diamond Tiara replied with a grin. "She will be of great service to you girls..."
"Awesome!" Scootaloo bawked. "What do we have to do?"
"Well, it's quite simple...." Diamond Tiara began to explain. "Did you three bring your hacksaws?"
All three crusaders responded by holding up a respective hacksaw they had pulled out from under their chairs.
"Good....we are to cut open Silverspoon's stomach.....AND EAT HER ENTRAILS. ON. OUR. TUMMEHS!" Diamond Tiara boomed, holding up her front hooves, awaiting for applause.
Scootaloo and Apple Bloom clapped, but Sweetie Belle was not convinced.
"Ummm...Diamond Tiara? Isn't that a little bit....much?"
Diamond Tiara snorted. "Think of all she's done to you, Sweetie! All the torment, and the rotten insults, and the overbearing SNOOTINESS...not to mention....she's SO lame, and not to mention....she smells like ass!" Diamond Tiara gasped, then looked to the left of her. "No offense...."
"None taken." The mule, who used his "Ass Trafficker" to get here in a span of milliseconds, replied. What? It's the only explanation that makes ANY sense!
"Take a seat, Mr. Mule. There's enough entrails for EVERY....ummm...species!" Diamond Tiara suggested.
"Okie dokie." The mule said, sitting down next to Apple Bloom, pulling out his own hacksaw.
"Plus, she eats BUTT!" Scootaloo added, to which Apple Bloom nodded.
"Basically, a carbon copy of YOU, Diamond Tiara!" Sweetie Belle said, crossing her arms.
"Yeah, but, I'm a good guy now! I apologized for MY sins....SHE didn't!" Diamond Tiara huffed, glaring at Silverspoon, who whimpered in response. "Besides, I do NOT eat butt!"
Apple Bloom nodded. "It's true. Diamond Tiara is mighty nice now. Sure, it's only been for an hour'a so, but you can tell she's changed cuz she's gotta glistening sparkle in her eyes."
"Actually, that's because Silverspoon stabbed me in both of my eyes with a piece of rock candy while I was trying to drag her over here." Diamond Tiara explained with a slight blush on her face.
"Both of your eyes? Ouch!" Sweetie mused. "Why'd she have rock candy, anyway? Isn't she a little too...old for that?"
Diamond Tiara scoffed. "I caught her stealing it from Horsepower. And since I'm a good guy, I did the only logical thing for a good guy to do at that point! I-"
"Got stabbed in the eye with it?" Scootaloo asked.
Diamond Tiara nervously chuckled, rubbing the back of her neck. "Y-yeah....." She then cleared her throat. "But still, JUSTICE IS SERVED!"
"Talk about eye candy...." Scootaloo whispered to Sweetie Belle, who giggled in response.
"I HEARD THAT." Diamond Tiara boomed. "And you have no idea how much I hate you for saying it...."
"Wait.....Horsepower? Ain't that the big buff pony that's always runnin' around goin' 'YEEEAAAHHH!!!!!'?" Apple Bloom asked.
Diamond Tiara nodded. "Which is why I was even more surprised to see a stallion of his size eating rock candy, but hey, to each their own. JUSTICE DOES NOT JUDGE."
"Either way, Sweetie Belle," Scootaloo said. "Diamond Tiara is NOTHING like Silverspoon. She's actually gonna SHARE entrails with us! I have no idea what entrails are, but I'm sure it's going to make me puke happy things!"
"According to the Mareiam-Webster dictionary, which I took from the library when we...." Diamond Tiara giggled. "Placed the prank, entrails are 'A pony or animal's intestines or internal organs, esp. when removed or exposed.'"
Apple Bloom and Scootaloo didn't seem too excited about this now. Diamond Tiara could sense this.
"Hey, it was either this, or choosing to become Smelly Pirate Hookers!" Diamond Tiara replied. "I'm not sure what that means, but according to the movie Anchorstallion, it's not good...."
"I REFUSE TO BE SMELLY!" Scootaloo squawked. "Let's get hackin'!"
"Ah second that. Pirates have'ta have a parrot....Ah'm allergic ta parrots..."
Diamond Tiara snickered. "That's a weird thing to be allergic to...."
"What about you, then, Diamond Tiara?" Sweetie Belle asked. "What are YOU allergic to?"
"Anal Warts." Diamond Tiara said without any hesitation.
"Well, that's normal." Scootaloo admitted.
"What if I have a parrot WITH anal warts?" The mule asked, as he began to rub cream on the anus of a parrot who had just randomly appeared on his shoulder.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I'm afraid we can't be friends." Diamond Tiara said with regret, this causing the mule's ears to droop.
Apple Bloom nodded. "Yea. Ah'm awfully sorry, Mr. Mule, but we're gon' have ta ask ya ta leave."
"D'awww....Okie Dokie...." The mule said sadly, getting out of the chair and placing his hacksaw underneath it. "Come on, Mr. Nibbles...." The parrot jumped on the mule's shoulder as he walked out of the clubhouse.
"Now, Sweetie. You in?" Diamond Tiara asked the million dollar question.
Sweetie Belle sighed. "Can't we just go play Jenga again?"
"No....but we COULD cut out Silverspoon's intestines and see who can make the best balloon animals!" Diamond Tiara suggested with glee. This seemed to win Sweetie Belle over.
"That sounds fun!" She squealed. "I'm on board!"
"Great!" Diamond Tiara smiled, and picked up her hacksaw. "Now....down to business....."
"I'm gonna make a peacock!" Scootaloo said with a crazed look in her eye.
"In that case...We're going to have to cut quite a bit out...." Diamond Tiara suggested, taking small steps towards Silverspoon; the hacksaw shining brightly in Silverspoon's eyes, almost blinding her. She had nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. All she could do was accept her doom. After all the horrible, unforgiving things she had done to the Cutie Mark Crusaders, this is how she'd be reprimanded.
A ray of hope came tumbling into the clubhouse, though, in the form of Starbloom. THE TOWER OF POWER, TOO SWEET TO BE SOUR. FUNKY LIKE A MONKEY. SKY IS THE LIMIT AND SPACE IS THE PLACE-OOOOOHHH YEEEEEAAAAAHHH, DIG IT!
"Hi, Starbloom!" Sweetie called out. "You're just in time to make some BALLOON ANIMALS."
"Balloon animals? What are you all-.....Ugh. It's not important!" Starbloom lunged at Sweetie Belle, taking her down to the ground. "Where do you four get off pranking my mother like that?! Now I think she's a plum, and I want to EAT HER!"
"Eat'er?! Starbloom, you CAIN'T be serious...." Apple Bloom said in shock.
"I AM!" Starbloom reassured with anger. "You girls have NO IDEA how much I LOVE plums! And you have NO IDEA what it's like to look at your dearest family member....and see them as a PURPLE PIECE OF FRUIT! YOU THINK THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO SEE?! A TALKING PLUM WITH A HORN AND HOOVES?!"
"Well, it IS a great form of roleplaying-"
"YOU SHUT UP." Starbloom said, interrupting Diamond Tiara and getting in her face. "Why are YOU hanging out with MY friends? You were picking on them just a single, calendar DAY ago!"
"She's changed, Starbloom!" Scootaloo replied.
"Is that so?" Starbloom asked, glaring Diamond Tiara down whilst raising an eyebrow.
Diamond Tiara gulped, and slowly nodded. "F-for the better, Starbloom...."
Starbloom then noticed Silverspoon in the corner, still struggling to break free. "How do you explain THAT?"
"Diamond Tiara knows how much we hate Silverspoon for bein' a big bully." Apple Bloom began.
"So she came up with the PERFECT way to exact revenge," Sweetie Belle continued.
"While ALSO getting our cutie marks." Scootaloo finished.
"Oh? And what would THAT be?" Starbloom asked, as she was legitimately curious.
"W-we....we were going to use hacksaws to cut out her entrails, and then eat said entrails.....On......Our....Tummehs....." As she finished her sentence, a single tear dropped onto the blade of her hacksaw.
"Wow...." Starbloom said, half disgusted and half impressed. "That's....actually....not such a bad idea...creative revenge, too....I'd LOVE to participate in this nonsensical carving, but I have to go home and EAT my mother because of YOU four......hmph! Thanks a lot, jerks...." Without another word, Starbloom marched out of the clubhouse with an adorable pouty face to add to her SASSY trot.
Sweetie Belle was still trying to rub her spit-covered hoof on her face to get the scratch Starbloom had given her off.
"Ya know, gals....I don't feel like indulgin' in senseless murder right now..." Apple Bloom admitted, as she dropped her hacksaw on the floor without a care.
"Yeah, me neither." Sweetie Belle added.
Scootaloo frowned. "No peacock?"
"No peacock, Scoots'." Apple Bloom replied.
"Awww...." Scootaloo said, sniffling a bit.
"I guess you girls are right..." Diamond Tiara said, sighing heavily. "This isn't worth it anyway....I mean, for CELESTIA'S sake.....WE'RE HERBIVORES! Why would we want to eat meat, ESPECIALLY another ponies' organs?!"
"No matta how mean they've been ta us...." Apple Bloom added with a frown.
There was a long, awkward silence, until Scootaloo spoke up.
"Wanna play Jenga?"
"Yup." Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Diamond Tiara said at once.
"Okay, I'll go get the game back from Rainbow Dash....she's been using those blocks as the characters in her real-life fanfiction for long enough...." Scootaloo walked out of the clubhouse.
"You up for a game, Silverspoon?" Sweetie Belle asked.
Silverspoon just shrugged, letting out an muffled "Okay."
--------MEANWHILE----------
Twilight Sparkle was halfway through reading the book "How to Protect Yourself From Senile, Drunk, Hallucinating and or Sexually Aroused Children......For Dummies." More specifically, the "Plum" and basically anything to do with fruit chapter. The chapter gave her a spell, which made Twilight hope and pray to the Steed above she would NOT have to use, especially on little Starbloom.
Ironically enough, a storm was brewed as rain began to pour and thunder began to crack across Ponyville. It gave Twilight an eerie feeling. This eerie feeling increased 10 fold when the door was open, and standing in it was Starbloom, with an expressionless face as thunder went off behind her, making her face see-able in the dark if only for a second.
Twilight gulped at the sight as Starbloom stepped into the library, and closed the door behind her. She turned the light on, since Twilight preferred to read in the dark other than the lamp at her desk.
"Hello, mother....." Starbloom said, as emotionless as her face was.
"H-hello....St-st-starbloom..." Twilight stammered, in fear of the worst. "H-how was your walk?"
"Well, mother....I just thought you should know...."
"Y-yes....?"
"It is most definitely important that you know....."
"YES, Starbloom?"
"That I....."
"SPIT IT OUT, STARBLOOM! WHAT IS IT?!?!" Twilight cried.
A smile suddenly swept across Starbloom's face. "I'm in love with Featherweight! Oh yeah, I ALSO HATE PLUMS!"
Twilight gasped, and lifted her daughter into the air, spinning her around. "Oh, my little Starbloom! That is WONDERFUL news!" She brought Starbloom in for a hug. "Thank CELESTIA! Why the sudden hatred for plums?"
Starbloom giggled. "I went to Zecora's, and she gave me an "I Hate Dis" potion. All she has to do is mix Sweet Tarts™, Equate Lotion™, A Bic™ razor, and whatever you feel like hating, which would be plums in my case, into a special concoction for a pony to drink. I drank it, and now....I HATE PLUMS! PLUMS SUCK! IF I EVER SEE A PLUM AGAIN, I WILL RIP OFF IT'S GENITALS AND SING KUMBAYA IN ZIMBABWEAN!
Twilight laughed graciously at this news. "The feeling is mutual, because I, too, despise plums, and I'm glad you feel the same way. Because if you would have come back here attempting to eat me, I would have had to perform a spell that turns YOU into a plum. A non-living, plum. Then, I likely would I squashed you, which would kill you, because let's face it, you'd rot in no time and the library would start to smell like ass, and I don't want that....OH! No offense, of course, sir.....sir?"
Starbloom and Twilight looked around for the mule, but he was nowhere to be seen.
"Huh. That's new...." Twilight said, shrugging. "Anyway....you said you were....in love....with FEATHERWEIGHT?!"
"Yup!" Starbloom said with a big smile.
"Well, he's a little bit eccentric, flying through Ponyville on webs like he's Spidercolt or something...." Twilight playfully rolled her eyes. "But, if you're happy, I'm happy! How do you know it's love, though?"
"HE KISSED ME ON MAH FEMUR!" Starbloom squealed.
Twilight gasped. "Wow! That really IS true love! Congratulations, Starbloom!"
"Thanks, mom! Now, what do you think.....fishnets, or no fishnets?"
Twilight closed her eyes and smiled. "I think fishnets make you look like a prostitute and if you go out with them on I'm going to turn you into a plum."
"Wow....that bad, huh?"
"Yup."
---------ABOUT AN HOUR LATER-----------
Twilight dabbled her feather in a fresh coat of ink, levitating a parchment over to her. Since Spike was still in Canterlot, it was up to Twilight to write this letter to Princess Celestia.
"Dear Princess Celestia,
I HATE PLUMS. NO REASON, I JUST DO. DON'T YOU EVER CONFRONT ME ABOUT IT. EVER. I KNOW YOU'RE WAYS, FOOL, SO IF YOU SEND A BUTT-LOAD OF PLUMS TO ME, I WILL TELEPORT OVER TO THAT CASTLE, WALTZ INTO YOUR ESTEEMED COURTIER, BURN YOUR FLESH WITH A Bic™ LIGHTER, SCRAPE OUT YOUR FEMUR, NOT KISS IT BECAUSE THAT'S A SIGN OF LOVE AND I WOULD NOT LOVE YOU IF YOU DID WHAT I'M WARNING YOU NOT TO DO, BUT INSTEAD TRANSPORT MYSELF TO THE HUMAN WORLD VIA MAGIKZ, SHOW UP AT JAMES K. POLK MIDDLE SCHOOL, AND DELIVER YOUR FEMUR TO NED BIGBY VIA THE UPS AS A WAY OF SAYING THANK YOU SINCE HE GOT ME OUT OF A JAM THAT ONE TIME IN THAT ONE FANFICTION RAINBOW DASH PUBLISHED. IT'S CALLED MY LITTLE PONY: SURVIVAL IS DECLASSIFIED. REALLY GOOD, I'D RECOMMEND IT TO YOU, UNLESS THAT IS YOU SEND ME ALL OF THOSE PLUMS. SO YEAH, DON'T DO THAT.
Your Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle. xoxo luvs.
-------MEANWHILE----------
Princess Luna could not help but feel a bit uncomfortable with the letter her sister had just shown her. "Sister, it seems like this letter is a direct threat...."
"No, Luna. Not a threat. It's obviously a challenge.....and you know what that means...."
Luna sighed. "Challenge accepted?"
Celestia chuckled evilly. "Challenge accepted...."
-------MEANWHILE-------
Twilight sighed as she sat down with Starbloom to enjoy a nice cup of tea. "You know, Starbloom....today may have been crazy, but I feel that things are going to start looking up for us real soon..."
"Couldn't agree more, mom..." Starbloom said, taking a slurp of her Lipton Lemonade/Tea bottle.
Twilight was leaning back on her couch, tucking her front hooves behind her neck. "We are so fancy...."
Just then, Princess Celestia's letter came....in the form of thousands upon thousands dancing plums. Twilight and Starbloom had to fish their way out of the caroling plums just to breath.
Twilight and Starbloom's anger continued to rise, and rise, and rise, and rise, and rise...until finally....
"BIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGBBBBBBYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Back at the castle, Celestia couldn't help but obsess over her handiwork.
"Yeh! That's how we do, girlfriend!" Luna said, rump-bumping with her sister.
"Luna....shut up and stop trying to be hip...."
"THOU IS NOT A HIP! THOU IS A BAD, BAD MARE WHOSE ONLY WISH IT TO GET JIGGLY WITH IT!"
Celestia rolled her eyes, but couldn't help but laugh at her sister's antics, and take a bite of her banana for her favorite student....
"To you....Plumlight Sparkle.....try not to get lost in the SEED of Despair....." She then began to chuckle. Luna, however, scoffed.
"Thou thinks you've ruined the mood of every pony within the next thousand miles...."
"Yeah? And you eat paste!" Celestia retorted.
"Thou does not see what that has to do with the current situation-"
"BANANAS."
"It always goes back to the DAMN BANANAS!" Luna roared.
------MEANWHILE-------
"Twilight....I'm ho-" Spike's greeting was interrupted by the image that had been thrust into him. He saw TWO Twilight's, one with a horn, and a filly Twilight WITHOUT a horn, as well as thousands of dancing, singing plums.
Spike did the only logical thing any dragon in his place would have done.....
He took his code of honor and he walked the hell out of that library.....
------FIN-------
