Underdog Days

by Imaginary Valued

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Spike
Length: 3721

If there's anything constant in the MLP universe, it's that Spike is the unwilling mutt for every butt end of the joke.

If there's anything constant in the MLP universe, it's that Spike is the mutt for every butt end of the joke.

Warning: in which the art of the crack of fic is discovered and was haphazardly attempted resulting in only mild effort and becoming wildly unfocused.

Published 2013-06-05 19:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-06-05 19:40:01 UTC

Chapter 1

The library door was coated in shimmering magenta aura before it swiftly opened with a solid thud, allowing the entry of a particular indignant, grumpily grumpy pony princess.

"Ugh," Twilight ground out in persistent exasperation as she cantered around an arbitrary circle of frustrated frustration. "I can't believe you, Spike!"

Spike sighed heartily as he closed the door behind him. "Look, I'm sorry, okay? What else do you want me to say?"

"I don't want you to say anything," Twilight said, heatedly. "What I want is for you to stop dry humping all our friends!"

Spike winced and twiddled his claws as he grinned sheepishly with solid blood flow to his cheeks. "I couldn't help it! I'm still having phantom hormone spikes from being transformed into a dog. Heh, get it? Hormone spikes—"

"Oh, no, mister! You're not avoiding a proper tongue lashing with a lame but cute quip so easily! You've gone too far this time! I can't believe that you would have so little self-restraint that you'd..." Here the mare retrieved and unraveled a scroll from behind her, and used a moment to grumpily blanch as she took stock of the extensiveness of the hippohumpological list. "Gyrate against both of my pillows and my catadioptic telescope, thus ruining two weeks of precise calibration for astrological charting efforts as well as foiling chances for a good night's sleep for the foreseeable future," she said with a particularly venomous flair, "then the entire library owned books of the Daring Do series—"

Spike groaned. Rainbow Dash was never going to forgive him for that. Well, that, and the surprise spooning.

"—before breaking into the Carousel Boutique and mounted all of the ponnequins and even somehow managed to induce a groove so deep it actually broke Rarity's favorite couch!"

"It smelled like her," Spike whispered dejectedly.

"Then," Twilight continued with very apparent contempt, "apparently you lost interest in inanimate objects and finally moved on to becoming a full blown, unrestrained serial deviant by humping, including but not limited to, the hind legs of Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rarity again, Flitter, Cloudchaser, Cheerilee—"

Spike sighed. He was never going to get free apples from Big McIntosh now.

"—Nurse Redheart, Rarity again, the Spa Twins, Lightning Dust, Blossomforth, Lyra, Bon Bon, Mrs. Cake—"

And there went his loyal customer discount at Sugarcube Corner.

"—Mayor Mare, Apple Bottom, Berry Punch, Berry Dreams, the Colt Stone siblings—"

"I never even got to use my triple scoop coupons," Spike lamented.

"—Roseluck, Spring Skies, Sunny Rays, Allie Way, Lemon Hearts, Vinyl Scratch, Derpy Doo, and then Rarity. Again. And that's just Act One's first inciting incidence! Look at this list! I was so embarrassed!"

Spike gave a helpless shrug. "I wanted it to end on a cliffhanger?"

"Spike!" Twilight admonished as she tucked the scroll away. "I don't think you realize the severity of your gyrating pelvic actions. I had to stay very, very still during the whole documentation process or who knows what would've happened!"

Both of them emphatically shuddered. Spike tried to speak but was interrupted when Twilight materialized a squirt bottle with magic and sprayed wetly with a burst of cold water in the face of the recently sexually aware dragon whelp.

"Bad! Bad Spike!" Twilight sharply reprimanded, giving two more squirts for good measure.

Spike wiped at his small snout with an annoyed, flat stare. "Twilight, I'm not actually a dog anymore. Or a cat. That's not going to work."

But the grumpy, frazzled pony paid no heed as she again dispensed sprays of cold admonishment against the baby dragon as she growled like a morally wronged gazelle. Spike sighed and stoically stayed in place as he withstood the onslaught of the squirt bottle. If it would somehow help in alleviating the mare's rising frustrations, it was a small price to pay.

Applejack poked her head through the ajar library door. "Twilight? Spike? Anypony here? Ah jus' wanted y'all ta' know Ah ain't terribly upset bout' the whole rear-cushion-fer-the-pushin' business." She laughed softly. "Ah mean, ya wouldn't believe some of the hoofenanny Winona used to git into. We still had to take a vet and a sharp ol' scalpel to her nethers in the end 'cause the cabbages were mighty spoiled from her, um, escapades an' whatnot. N-not that Ah'm suggestin' or nothin'!" She stepped pass the threshold. "A-anyway, what y'all up to—"

"Twilight," Spike complained, "can you stop now? It's getting into my eyes and dripping down my snout."

"Do you feel the cold, tactile sensation of shame yet!?" Psst, psst. "Bad, naughty Spike!"

"I don't feel clean, if that's what you mean."

Applejack paused before slowly pulling her foreleg back and closing the door as politely as she could. She stared at the wooden entrance blankly for another moment before quickly trotting away. "Nnope."

Finally dispensed with the squirt bottle and somewhat placated herself, Twilight tucked the implement of innocuous punishment away and stared at the dragon whelp, whose face was dripping with rivulets of watery water and was scowling amid a growing puddle beneath his feet.

"Let me guess," Spike huffed, "I need to mop the floor."

"Don't you get sardonic with me, mister! You're lucky I didn't have time to read through the rest of the manual on obedience training in order to become Prom Princess!"

"I know. I was the one who helped rig the whole thing, remember? By the way, you actually only got eight votes, and one of them was misspelled 'twilite' while the other two were for 'team Jacob,' whatever that is."

"Irrelevant!" Psst, psst.

"Twilight, for the last time, I'm not a dog anymore! It was bad enough that I had to be one through the whole alternative universe fiasco, why do you have to keep bringing that kind of stuff up!?"

"You still don't get it, do you? Do you know how many sexual harassment suits would've been charged against you if your berserk frottage montage didn't coincidentally reveal Ponyville's secret changeling populace?"

"They said really mean things to me," Spike said with a sniffle.

"Actually, they mostly screamed 'not this kind of love!' before escaping to the wild green yonder but my point still stands! If it wasn't for that conveniently contrived coincidence, you would've been incarcerated in pony prison, where only the scum of pony society like tax evaders, necromancers, and clopfiction writers go to! Is that what you want? To meet the author of The Poonies and Flankablanca!?"

"No," Spike mumbled, staring downcast as tears clung at the corner of his eyes.

Twilight huffed nasally once more before leaning back, relaxing her aggressive grumpiness. She stared at her assistant, who was despondently fiddling with the tip of his claws behind his back and nudging the floor with the nervous contractions of his hind feet, looking more like a guilty child caught stealing cookies from the jar rather than the censored chunk of moving, vibrating pixelated blur that terrorized the town merely an hour before. The princess sighed emphatically.

"Spike...we need to talk. I know what this is all about. And I'm sorry, but it just isn't meant to be."

The young dragon blinked. "Uh...huh?"

Twilight once again held up the List, hovering it before her like the map to truth and justice. "It's so obvious once you study the pattern! This was all a misguided bid to be recognized as a matured and romantically eager individual, hence why you only approached the grown mares within your range of sight and aesthetic taste, which turned out to be quite indiscriminately broad. You were trying to convince yourself and others of being a grown up by engaging in adult oriented behavior with ponies while simultaneously declaring your species specific heterosexuality."

"Der."

"I'm sorry, Spike," Twilight continued, "but you have to realize that you're just a baby dragon, and no amount of precocious and outlandish behavior can change that. You're just not meant to have relationships with other ponies beyond tentative friendship."

Spike looked as if he staring at an incoming freight train. "Wh-what? I d-don't understand..."

Twilight sighed again, walking slowly to the window in order to wax soft philosophical wrangling of the dragon's existential foundation properly. "Think about it, Spike. First of all, you're a baby dragon, it doesn't make sense for you to pursue romantic endeavors with somepony like Rarity, Rainbow Dash, or Applejack, or any of our friends, really. It's unnatural. The age gap is just too staggering."

Spike stared, confusion and pain ebbed in his open mouthed grimace as he failed to vocalize his dread.

"It would be more sensible if you get a crush on somepony more in your age group, like Rarity's sister, Sweetie Belle, or maybe even Apple Bloom or Scootaloo. I'm sure they're old enough to know how to pretend to be appreciative of something like that."

Spike managed to finally sputter in incredulity. "But, but I'm a lot older than they are! Almost exactly the same way you're older than me! Isn't that kinda creepy?"

Twilight shook her head in a pitying manner. "Yet you're still a baby dragon, Spike. A baby dragon having a crush on a pony filly only makes complete rational sense and complies with the Equestrian world order. Of course, since you might be a baby dragon for a while yet, they'll eventually outgrow you, which would then make things once again social scientifically unacceptable, and you'll have to form new infatuations with other fillies, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

Spike gaped. "I'll be even older by then! That's definitely a whole other tier of creepy!"

Twilight turned away from the window and towards her assistant with the look of impending regret. "Spike, try to understand, I only want to help you face circumstances realistically for your own good. Don't you see? The age gap was already an insurmountable obstacle, and now coupled with revelations made in our trans-dimensional adventure, there's simply no way you can find happiness with another pony. The fact that you turned into a dog in the other dimension was proof enough. The difference between dragons and ponies are just too paramount from a biological, cognitive, and magical standpoint."

"Twilight, no..." Spike whimpered.

The pony princess closed her eyes. "I'm sorry, Spike, I really am. But I can't let you go on with life thinking that everything will be fine living in pony society while blind to the simple truth of your situation. Just because you clean the library, buy the groceries, purchase the quills, cook the meals, fill out the tax forms, tend to the potted plants, and are nearly functionally identical to ponies simply doesn't translate into maturity or change the fact that you're a dragon, Spike." Seeing the whelp's quivering face, she quickly began to console. "But that's not necessarily a bad thing. You're probably going to be a baby dragon for the next decade or two; the longest childhood anypony's ever had, without all the rushed need to face reality, accountability, and responsibility that goes along with adulthood. Try to indulge in that a little longer."

Spike feebly looked around the library. "But you just told me I had to accept reality! And I'm already dealing with all that stuff! Why can't I just—"

"Spike, be reasonable. I just want what's best for you. I don't like seeing you suffer delusions for something that can never overcome. All I want is for you to understand, and enjoy the situation as best as you can without crossing any boundaries that would result in a scandalous debacle in the eyes of the prejudicing minds of pony society that would ultimately shun you for wanting more out of life."

"I...I..."

Twilight took a couple steps forwards, shadowing over the dragon just slightly. "Please, know that nothing's really changed. You're still my number one assistant and very important to me. You've just been made aware of some undeniable truths, and you'll be a stronger and better not-pony for it." She raised a hoof, gently touching the small dragon on the head, as if caressing a delicate flower. "Okay?"

Spike looked down, adding to the growing puddle miring his feet with his sad sadness. After nearly an entire minute in silence, he nodded.

Twilight smiled briefly before resuming her authoritarian expression. "Now, there're not going to be any punishments since I know you're already sort of in the dumps..."

Spike gurgled in acute despair.

"...and considering you technically saved the day from possible changeling takeover, I'm only going to confiscate your graphic novel issues of Ponyasha. I bet it was irresponsible and fantastical reading material like those that put unorthodox ideas in your head in the first place. I mean, ponyfied demons and regular pony adventure romance? That's just ridiculous! Just how absurd can those Neighponese artists get?"

Spike sighed, deep and suffering. "Why not? Go ahead. It's not like things can get any worse. Besides, I'm three hundred chapters in and still don't know whether Ponyasha would choose Kagoneigh or his ex-marefriend-turned-zombie-pony-priestess Bellflower as his true love anyway. It was all very contrived. Just like my not-pony life..."

Twilight nodded with a satisfied smile before slipping into a contemplative visage. "Oh, there's one more thing. I actually wanted to do this later, at the right time, but since we're having this productive talk already I might as well go ahead." Apparently taking the dragon's pitiable squeaks of melancholy as righteous approval, she turned her attention up the stairs and loudly called, "Brad, you can come down now!"

A fair skinned male human poked his head into sight, his dashing blue hair and eyes sparkling in the nonexistent glow of the ethereal floral background of sunflowers and bursting stars. "Actually, it's George. George Cloney."

Spike watched in bewildered horror as the human bounded down the stairs, his nondescript, charming aura dazzling along the seams of his equally plain—but no less Banana Republic—bomber jacket, and proceeded to give Twilight a hug that clearly expressed mutual, believable romantic affections between two creatures remotely related by the same taxonomic class.

"Frederick," Twilight started after pulling away, "you remember Spike, don't you?"

The human male handsomely scratched at his cheek. "I thought Spike was the name of your dog." He then made a face. "And it's George," he added belatedly.

Twilight gave a quick nod. "He is. Was, I mean. He's a baby dragon now, but as we've previously discussed, it makes little difference in the broadest sense."

"Oh," George uttered and dashingly left it at that with a shrug, being the shy but popular type who knew when to stop having character development.

"And Spike," Twilight said giddily, sending waves of uncomfortable shivers down the whelp's spine with her sickly sweet tone and gaze directed upon the fine human specimen. "You obviously remember Rick. I mean, of course you do. Nopony can forget someone so dreamy and kind and smart and athletic and talented."

George gave a thumbs-up as his pristine white teeth sparkled like a well polished, finely cut diamond before he blinked in confusion and looked at his hands.

Twilight clasped her hooves together to her chest as she smiled goofily. "He's the captain of the football, basketball, and soccer team, and he's even the lead guitarist of his own band."

"The Flash Sentries," George supplied absentmindedly as he struck a generally eye-catching pose. " We wanted to have the most absurd band name ever, but The Living Tombstone was already taken."

"Isn't he just so...so wonderful?" Twilight gushed whilst producing floating hearts invaded the open space like viral parasprites or sickled erythrocytes, one of which smacked Spike right in the face.

"Gross! Ptwoo!" Spike yelped and spat noisily before he pointed an accusatory claw at the human who now had a guitar case in his arms for some reason. "What the hay is he doing here!? Forget that, how did he get here!?"

Twilight blinked out of her dreamy reverie and shook her head pityingly. "Spike, weren't you paying attention at all during the whole adventure? Just because you were a dog, doesn't mean you had to have the attention span of one too."

"Enough about the dog stuff!" Spike cut in, his previous lackluster disposition replaced by rising concern and ire. "I thought we closed the portal off because of that whole stability thing...unless something wrong happened and he's here to help us deal with it?"

"Geez, Spike," Twilight said laughingly, "you and your need to find adventure to make things more exciting. Just where do you get your crazy ideas? There's nothing wrong with the portal anymore, now that I've found the correct matrix algorithm to stabilize the rift so that Equestria and the High School World can now interact and mingle with no problems whatsoever. As to why Adam is here, well, it's obvious that we're dating."

"What!?" Spike gawked. "B-but he's a human!"

Twilight frowned. "Yeah, so?"

"And you're a pony!"

Twilight blinked and frowned deeper. "What are you talking about, Spike?"

"Him!" Spike began, pointing at the yellow coated, spiky blue maned pony. "You said that...wait, what?"

"Hey, there," the newly appeared pony greeted easily. "I'm Flash Sentry."

Spike took a step back. "I thought that was the name of your band?"

Flash flashed his pearly whites. Twilight swooned slightly. Spike felt the distinct urge to scream and gag in quick succession.

Seeing Spike's reactions, Twilight shook her head in disapproval. "Oh, I see. Tsk, tsk, Spike. I expected much more from you. I thought I taught you better than to judge a pony by his or her appearance and dubious ponyality without merit."

"I'm not! I just...he's a human from another dimension, I mean, a pony who was a human from another dimension!"

Twilight quirked an eyebrow. "Again: so?"

"But you just said the two of you are dating, and you just told me that only relationships between ponies are acceptable!"

"No..." Twilight drawled with exasperation, "I only implied dragon and pony relationships are too unnatural to be taken into serious consideration. Seriously, it's like you make an achievement of not listening to me. Besides, your argument is obviously invalid and unfounded, since humans and ponies are evidently closely related both physiologically and emotionally, but dragons aren't."

Spike was about to retort angrily when the sound of a musical instrument interrupted him and the dragon found himself staring at the once again unblemished skinned human George sitting at the bottom of the staircase, cross-legged and playing an acoustic guitar.

"Hey there Twililah
What's it like in New Pork City?
I'm a thousand miles away
But girl, tonight you look so pretty, yes you do~
Equine Square can't shine as bright as you, I swear it's true~"

"He wrote that song just for me," Twilight practically squealed as she squirmed and giggled in girly fashion. "He has the soul of a pony poet and a sensitivity that can only be expressed through song."

All the cringing was making Spike's jaw hurt. He shook himself out of his funk and padded over to Twilight, grasping her shoulder in desperation. "Twilight, please don't tell me he's actually staying here in our dimension!"

"What's your problem now?" Twilight replied snappily. "You know that a portal-distance relationship doesn't work, so obviously I have to bring him over so that out completely sanctioned romance can bloom unfettered."

"Oh~, it's what you do to me..."

"B-but Twilight, isn't he a high schooler? Heck, he's barely older than I am!"

"Oh~, it's what you do to me...and I'll be getting my driver's license next month~"

Twilight frowned. "What inane point are you trying to make this time?"

"The age gap," Spike shouted. "You said the age gap is very important and you're already in your early twenties!"

"Ssshh!" Twilight hissed, shoving a gag ball into the dragon's mouth to induce silence. "Don't let him hear that! He'll think I'm old. Besides, he's probably at least two years older-ish than you, so that makes the age gap much less obstructive to our love." She blinked at the object between the dragon's teeth and hurriedly pulled it with magic. "Oops! Sorry, I was reserving that for our alone time later."

Spike looked reasonably disgusted.

"Oh~, it's what you do to me..."

"Please, Twilight," Spike pleaded. "I d-don't like you dating him! I know he might be a nice guy and for some reason you seem to really like him and everything but I just don't want things to change so much right now! And he sort of smells of a lot of mane gel!"

Twilight sighed. "Look, Spike, I know that this all might seem very jarring, but I was hoping you would be a little more mature about it. Shouldn't it be time to act your age?"

Spike gawked. "But you said I should indulge in my long term childhood!"

"Well, not if you're going to throw a tantrum every time something doesn't go your way." Twilight harrumphed with pursed lips. "It's behavior like that that leads to the incident we just had."

"But, I—"

"Enough, Spike. We'll talk about this later." She turned to the human. "Come on, Zack," Twilight said with a somehow innocently seductive grin as she beckoned to her destined future copulation partner with a hoof. "Let's go up stairs. I want you to draw me, the same way you do with your bipedal women. With your wonderful fingers."

"Sure thing ," George said simply, once again as a human. "Uh, when you said 'draw,' you mean 'foreplay,' right?"

That was exactly what Twilight meant, if the barely concealed by closed doors, NC-17 oriented sounds emitted from the second floor were any indication.

With Twilight engaging in entirely acceptable trans-dimensional-possibly-anatomically-harmful relations, the dragon whelp dejectedly retrieved the one item he smuggled out of the other dimension and brought it to his snout.

"Oh, Human Rarity's kinky boots," Spike bemoaned with a vigorous sniff of the enrapturing aroma contained within, "you're my only friend."

And that was how retifism was introduced to Equestria.

Author's Note

Written in an hour through sheer spontaneous rage before breakfast. Am blaming Hasbro and EG for soggy Lucky Charms. Ugh. This drivel written. Please, just downvote and move on. Will deal with or likely erase this fecal matter later on.