How Ponies Reproduce

You faggots, that's not what happens. Excuse my other professors, for they are morons.

They reproduce as so:

Unicorns release a magical aura through the air, where it comes across filthy, weak earth ponies and mutates them into a pod through a horrifically painful process. The pod then attaches itself to the ground, or sometimes a tree or another filthy earth pony, where the young grown until they burst out in adorable puddles of goop. The baby unicorns then must fend for themselves, often times praying on earth pony spawn.

The pegasi find mates, and the two fly high up into the clouds, where they look for a nice plump and juicy one saturated with rain. From there, the two rub up against each other, creating static electricity which is then picked up by the naturally conductive water in the clouds. In a fantastic burst of lightning and thunder, the cloud becomes impregnated with the spores of a thousand pegasi, where they will spend the next 20 months merging together until they become foals. The parents watch over them the entire time. When the 20 months are up, the cloud births them out in a mighty thunderstorm, and the pegasi must learn to fly quickly or perish. The carcases of those who do not make it are feasted upon by the newborns and the parents.

And dirty earth ponies just fuck and have babies in a normal mammalian way, as per dirty earth pony tradition.

Now, Alicorns are a special case. They are created when a pod of unicorn is in the presence of a pegasi mating thunderstorm. If lighting strikes the pods, the heat will cause the DNA to warm up, baking them like loaves of delicious baby bread. However, rarely, one may live, and because of the heat and the pegasi spores being shot directly into their body, they will have control over the sun. Conversely, if a gestating cloud goes too low, and picks up a pod that may have been lodged in a tree by accident or some other shit, then the forming pegasi will latch onto the pod. The rain will wash over it, causing the risin that the pod consists of to melt away. It is highly acidic in its liquid state, so the unborn ponies are mixed together in a delicious soup. However, one it hardens again, the DNA of the two species have a chance of combining. Because of the relatively cold nature of how it was formed, this spawn will have control over the moon. Now, only two cases of this ever happening have been documented. These two pure Alicorns were so powerful that they would have easily enslaved all other ponies. Unfortunately, while they were asleep one night, some filthy teenaged earth ponies sexed them up, leaving horrid half-bred children in their wombs, which for some reason they had even though evolutionarily speaking they would have not needed them. The two powerful pure Alicorns died giving birth to what are known as the Lesser Alicorns: Celestia and Luna.

And I can't explain Cadence. Fuck that shit.