How Ponies Reproduce

by Regidar

Rating: mature
Tags: Random
Length: 3947

An in-depth study on how ponies reproduce.

There are many different theories as to how ponies reproduce, many based on science and logical documentation.

These are not those theories.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-06-21 06:06:41 UTC

Crustacean (Irongalley)

Here's my theories:

The three races are crustacean descendants, but they all differ in their methods of reproduction.

Unicorns: They inject their eggs into the anus of a host. The eggs are expelled via magic, and they stop once they reach the digestive track. Once there, the eggs hatch and commence feeding. They devour the victim from the inside out, which is incredibly painful.

Their preferred victims are earth ponies and other inferior, easy to reach, creatures.

Pegasi: They travel incredible distances to reach an empty beach where they proceed to dig up holes in the sand. They lay their eggs there and bury them, after which they return home. Once the eggs hatch, they make a mad dash for the sea, where they grow up and survive until their wings (which are fins up until adulthood) are able to lift them up. They then migrate back to Equestria.

Earth ponies: They defecate their eggs on top of food sources cows and other lesser creatures ingest, and then the eggs hatch inside the host. Once hatched, the host defecates them and the foals are born. The mother has to shadow the host for the entire gestation period, and then she picks up her newborns.

On Alicorns:

It's a mysterious process indeed. Few people have managed to witness alicorn gestation and birthing, so information is rather scarce.

But, I do believe I can illustrate you in the way of their reproductive mannerisms.

You see, when an alicorn is penetrated by another alicorn's horn, the eggs are released into their bowels just like a regular unicorn would, but here's the catch; whereas in unicorns the babies hatch inside the host, in alicorns the host flies in search of a victim to relocate their offspring.

The alicorn is searching for a particularly powerful unicorn, as they are the only ones with enough magical power to generate the conditions needed for the offspring to survive. The alicorn locates this individual and utilizes its horn to inject a paralyzing poison into its blood system.

Once the victim lies unconscious, the alicorn proceeds to dig up a hole in the dirt and bury the victim inside. After covering up the unfortunate unicorn, the alicorn defecates the eggs on top of the mound, not inside though, as the hatchlings will need to locate the victim via magical sensors on their own. This ensures only the most powerful alicorns survive, and it keeps the species from overpopulating.

Once the prodigies find the buried unicorn, they commence to murder their weaker siblings and ingest them in order to have the strength to dig their way to the host. A mare can have a large ammount of babies per birth, usually a hundred or so, but only two or three survive.

The surviving babies dig their way down to the victim and commence to magically drain the unicorn of its life force. Once this is done, they devour the flesh and fall to sleep a very long slumber.

They wake up when their bodies are fully matured, which is about several thousand years after being born. Once they wake, they immediately set out unto the world, seeking to recommence the cycle of life.

Stomach (Swagthesto the YOLO King)

I've always gone with the theory that ponies have genitals in their stomachs, explaining why they have no genitals that we can see. Female ponies have sensitive mouths and a stomach that doubles as a uterus, allowing them to get pregnant and eventually vomit out children.

Male ponies have their penises in their stomachs, so in order for them to get an erection they have to bend forward, allowing their genitals to extend out their mouths. By kissing a female pony, they spread their seed into her throat, getting her pregnant.

ADVENTURE (Pico Pie)

My theory on pastel pony reproduction is that there's a magical human, riding a flying sleigh that is being pulled by four malnourished slaves.

The magical man is obese, because his slave does all the dirty work for him. He wears a red clothing, mostly covering his ass. He has a big sack, placed on his sleigh which holds all the foals.

Now, this where foal comes from. When a couple wants to have a foal, they close their eyes and make a wish. While their eyes are closed, there's a nearby bee that will sting a bird so hard, it will scream beyond imaginable.

Then, the magic man -- from Adventure time  -- will appear in front of the couple, giving them the foal that they desire. After that, the magic man visits the magical man, and he will tell all of the good deeds he did. Then the magical man will give magic man some weeds in return.

And that there, my friend, is how foals were made.

Baby You And Me Ain't Nothing But Mammals (HumanSVD)

They're mammals. They reproduce as such. End of story.

Robotics (xXCondemnedSoulXx)

My theory on how the ponies of Equestria reproduce to create other cute, adorable ponies is by either one or two methods.

Method #1: They have sex.

Method #2: They build them like robots, the colts and fillies of the show are all robots. Scoots, Applebloom and Sweetie Belle are the leaders of the built revolution, maintaining their robotic components by not achieving their cutie marks(Which we all know that as it is earned, the mark releases the mixed chemicals stored inside of the children at a young age, causing the chemicals to melt down the remnants of the robotic skeleton, replacing and coating it with a bony substance.) So yeah, robots.

The Superior Theory (Regidar)

You faggots, that's not what happens. Excuse my other professors, for they are morons.

They reproduce as so:

Unicorns release a magical aura through the air, where it comes across filthy, weak earth ponies and mutates them into a pod through a horrifically painful process. The pod then attaches itself to the ground, or sometimes a tree or another filthy earth pony, where the young grown until they burst out in adorable puddles of goop. The baby unicorns then must fend for themselves, often times praying on earth pony spawn.

The pegasi find mates, and the two fly high up into the clouds, where they look for a nice plump and juicy one saturated with rain. From there, the two rub up against each other, creating static electricity which is then picked up by the naturally conductive water in the clouds. In a fantastic burst of lightning and thunder, the cloud becomes impregnated with the spores of a thousand pegasi, where they will spend the next 20 months merging together until they become foals. The parents watch over them the entire time. When the 20 months are up, the cloud births them out in a mighty thunderstorm, and the pegasi must learn to fly quickly or perish. The carcases of those who do not make it are feasted upon by the newborns and the parents.

And dirty earth ponies just fuck and have babies in a normal mammalian way, as per dirty earth pony tradition.

Now, Alicorns are a special case. They are created when a pod of unicorn is in the presence of a pegasi mating thunderstorm. If lighting strikes the pods, the heat will cause the DNA to warm up, baking them like loaves of delicious baby bread. However, rarely, one may live, and because of the heat and the pegasi spores being shot directly into their body, they will have control over the sun. Conversely, if a gestating cloud goes too low, and picks up a pod that may have been lodged in a tree by accident or some other shit, then the forming pegasi will latch onto the pod. The rain will wash over it, causing the risin that the pod consists of to melt away. It is highly acidic in its liquid state, so the unborn ponies are mixed together in a delicious soup. However, one it hardens again, the DNA of the two species have a chance of combining. Because of the relatively cold nature of how it was formed, this spawn will have control over the moon. Now, only two cases of this ever happening have been documented. These two pure Alicorns were so powerful that they would have easily enslaved all other ponies. Unfortunately, while they were asleep one night, some filthy teenaged earth ponies sexed them up, leaving horrid half-bred children in their wombs, which for some reason they had even though evolutionarily speaking they would have not needed them. The two powerful pure Alicorns died giving birth to what are known as the Lesser Alicorns: Celestia and Luna.

And I can't explain Cadence. Fuck that shit.

Out the Pooper (Art Inspired)

Celestia shits them one by one.

Twitter (Prince Solstice)

They form out of the thoughts... they are imaginary, they don't reproduce unless we make them. #takingthingstooliterally #swag #amidoingthiswrong #alhailchuckward #regiforpower #solsticerantsgain #fuckdapolice #toomanyhashtags #giveuphesmakingfunofus #whyareyoureadingthis #ponyswag #thatlastoneisfake #butreallyitsnot #okaythisjokeisgettingold

Shrinkage (DaemoN67)

When a pony is ready to reproduce, they magically shrink and must get shoved up the pussy of a mare. A stallion then uses his cock to push the shrunken pony into the womb of the mare where the small pony is turned into mush by the womb-juice of the mare. Two ponies, a male and female, then form inside the mare. After about a week, they are ready to come out and a stallion shoves his cock back up inside the vag, where the new ponies are pulled out one by one by the suction cup that forms on the end of the dick.

Vitamin Water (Kragor)

Two ponies, doesn't matter what kind or gender, get a vitamin water.

Then, one pony starts giving the other pony an oral-anal in order to loosen up their rectum.

After that, the pony without the loose rectum takes the vitamin water, and shoves it up the other pony's rectum.

Afterwards, the pony with the vitamin water goes into an oven for three days straight, the extreme heat plus the pony, plus the vitamin water, causes the vitamin water to turn into a foal, then the pony is taken out of the oven, and the foal begins eating it's way out of it's parent.

The gender odds are: filly-60% colt-40%

As for what type of pony, it depends on the type of vitamin water used, a normal, green or brown one will make an earth pony, a blue or white will make a pegasus, a red or purple one will make a unicorn, and a yellow, or black one will make an Alicorn, BUT in order for an alicorn to be born, you must also use at least one Alicorn in the impregnation process, otherwise you'll get a dead baby.

Any other colors will create a random type of pony, Alicorns excluded if there wasn't an Alicorn in the impregnation.

Shitty Poetry (Super Big Mac)

I believe that all ponies are gay.

But those who aren't married go cray.

So they kill all the nags,

And shove them in bags,

And grind them up with some hay.

After a pony ingests,

What used to be a pony at best,

Then the ponie gets sick

And pukes foals up real quick

And that's why ponies cannot protest.

A Pretty Legit Theory (The Fae)

Dirt (Earth if you want to be polite) ponies are created when the ashes of Holocaust victims are inserted into the womb of a pony prior to contraception.

Draining Your Bramage (MoldyShiskabob)

Mares have their genitals in their brain, and stallions constantly secrete semen with their saliva. When a stallion licks a mare's ear, the mare gets pregnant.

The foals are born rapidly and the mare suffers brain damage.

Twins are the result of licking both ears simultaneously.

Alicorns are the result of a freak genetic mutation, so fuck that shit.

Changelings are born like normal insects rather than in the previously mentioned pony reproduction. Therefore, they are the master race and ponies suck nonexistent cock.

SEP (Leoden)

Most of the confusion here comes from one vital misunderstanding:  We cannot see the genitals, when we look at a pony.  This is actually by design!  Nudity, Adam and Eve will tell you, is a state of innocence.  (Does her obsession with clothing mean that Rarity is secretly a dirty, dirty girl?)  And yet, o two edged sword, giant pendulous stallion balls do not inspire PG ratings.  Therefore, pony fun-time-zones are actually magically obscured by a SEP Field  (Somebody Else's Problem) that makes them beneath the threshold of noticing most of the time.   After all, who wants to think about dangly, saggy stallion balls all the time?

Unfortunately, this is why the pony population is declining at an alarming rate.  Pony society on whole isn't saturated with sexual media and innuendo and Axe Body Spray commercials.  Fully half of the male population has killed themselves out of despair and body odor.  Distressingly often, the mares overlook sex in favor of chocolate ice cream, scented candles, spa therapy, and emotional fulfillment through romance novels that make the entire idea far less iccky by replacing 'the average and veiny erect cock with a left-lean that smells like horse arse' with 'a throbbing, turgid stallionhood with a velvety texture and a pleasant but masculine musky scent.'

For the less sexy, the non Soarin', the non Big Mac, stallions are capable of going their entire lives without anyone else being able to see their penis, which for all you know might be pretty big or awesome looking, and wouldn't it be awesome if they could at least brag a bit every now and then?  Poor Caramel, for example, once stood on the apex of the Carousel Boutique's roof and shouted to the entire market, "LOOK AT MY PORTRUDING PONY PENIS!"  But, being as he's rather lame looking and has a mullet, this put him firmly in the SEP-field  (AKA, "Friendzone") and all anyone heard was something about prancing purple porcupines.

Another victim, surprisingly, is Prince Blueblood, who was once a gentlecolt and all-round friendly fellow until he realized that the storybook, dream fairytale prince that most mares expected him to be didn't include a regular view of his genitalia.  (Who really likes to imagine the Prince walking around with swingy balls?)  Despairing about ever getting laid, Blueblood increasingly became more and more of a dick in hopes that 'chicks like to bang bad stallions'.  So far, it hasn't worked.

On the other side of the coin is Fancypants, who is a paragon of being stylish, trendy, rich, and hot... Until the enamored mare or stallion lusting after him realizes that his name actually comes from a highly indescribable deformation of the penis.  I won't try to describe it, it'll just make your brain hurt.

Some unfortunates, like Hoity Toity, can see all stallion dongs all the time, and are forced to wear big, tinted sunglasses to avoid PR disasters like salivating and inappropriate innuendo, which is a crime punishable by censorship, being removed from the show, and having your voice changed.  (Bon-Bon has a surprisingly dirty mouth.)

Help stop the tragic emasculation of your local ponies today.  Imagine horse penis.  Horse penis everywhere.

Paid for by the Ad Council and Equestrian Tourism Board.

Faustification (TwizzleDragon)

Lauren Faust magically comes into Equestria while tripping on acid and sneezes out her creative semen of the gods, causing a girl named Mary Sue to lick it all up and then she makes Alicorns.

Fuck the rest.

Sexy Hanky Panky (ThaumicSlime)

Hooves are dicks.

Mouths are pussies.

Therefor even stallions can be impregnated.

Mitosis (Chuckward)

There are many theories, but I believe mine holds the most merit.

They clearly reproduce through a highlyaltered form of mitosis.

When a pony (Mrs.Cake for example) becomes too large, they split into seperate beings, some of which are mutants like unicorns. Now I know what you're thinking: "But wait, there are clearly married couples in the show."

Well worry not you stupid idiot, for I am about to explain.

While they do mitate, the ponies still have emotions such as love and hate.

When a pony finds their love, they marry, and one(or both) of them eats an abnormally large amount of food, becoming larger. Then, the pony mitates and the couple raises it.

Now, at birth, the ponies look the exact same. This is because they have to metomorphasize into either M-type or F-type. In reality, there is no shortage of M-type ponies. Most of them are soldiers. The M-types are generally more built than the feminine F-types, but some M-types(such as Thunderlane) retain some F-type quality.

The M and F types differ in that M-types are strong soldiers, and the F-types are better at mitosis.

Some ponies retain both, they are called T-types.

Now then, in some extremely rare cases, the mitosis fails, and the pony mutates into an A-type. These are what you call alicorns.

Alicorns cannot mitate, which means that over time, they become larger.

All of this was based on the ponies having no genitals that we can observe.

The Baby Sphere (Prince Solstice)

The baby ponies all come from a place called the 'baby sphere.' An alternate universe where not much is known besides the fact that the babies reverse in age. So when they become that single atom they were, they universe hop into Equestria only to have the atoms reunite and play through life at that speed. As you can imagine, one would like to argue that we should remember the other universe right?

When we become matter-less, we hold no former bond of out previous selves. Therefore any memory we previously had has disappeared. No babies are really born, are you mad? Since time is irrelevant between universes, we are actually able to live as anybody else, and the act of sexual reproduction is rather useless in fact in all universes. The pony universe is just another universe we could live in if it was where we decided to rearrange next. It doesn't matter we are all connected man. For we are all and all we are.

Solar Sex Hippie Drug Trip (Digilic Idyllic)

It is my indefatigable (lolwat) belief that both moon and sun are actually reproductive beings. Every solar eclipse, as we know it, is a time when both star and rock come together as both penis and vagina. Semi-literally.

Completely ignoring science, relative to magical, colourful, talking, friendship-induced ponies, I will attempt to explain the process.

You see, when the sun get's really really hot, like, really hot in the presence of the moon's moon, it releases a vast abundance of solar flares, which in turn penetrate the moon's surface. Once the flares move inside the moon, entered via one of the moon's many asteroid vaginas, they cause an internal rupture that results in a release of rocky eggs, which the moon grows. These are fired from one of the moon's opposing holes, acting as a geyser.

Unfortunately all eggs are smashed and battered to some extent throughout the eruption, and in turn deform from their true biological state. Those most effected by the collisions are known as 'Earth Ponies': the ultimately deformed race. The subsequent disorders result in Pegasi. These creatures have maintained certain chromosomes from their true state; wings, but unfortunately have lost what the most fortunate of species can wield: magic.

Magic is what nature intended each and every creature to exercise. Those with it were fortunate enough to maintain the main feature all eggs originally held. Yet still, the race known as Unicorns, the controllers of magic, were not lucky enough to keep the wings that Pegasi can use.

There are few, and I mean very few, who break free of the moon's moist grip unscathed. Using other eggs, they shield themselves between them, allowing the unfortunate ones to surround them in a cocoon, preventing the harsh battering of the release.

These eggs grow to become Alicorns. Given both wings and magic, they hold great power. So much that even entropy can't sway.

Meteor showers are not mere rocks, but foals plummeting to the earth.

This entire process has been titled 'Incest'.

-Other races such as Griffons, Minotaurs etc don't actually exist. They're ponies in suits.

The Shit Theory (Goldy)

This is my theory because yours are all shit:

Males and females have very different styles for reproduction to happen; however, neither have genetalia.

Males have sperm created by the bacteria inside their small intestine, of which is held inside one of the thousands of small pockets inside their large intestine. In order for their sperm to be released, the brain must tell at least one of these pockets to collapse so that the sperm to be released into the rectum of the stallion. The next time he shits, the sperm is inside the feces.

Females have a very special way of creating their eggs. The mares constantly build up cells inside a special, unique section of their pancreas; the cells collected can be either alive or dead. the cells being built in the pancreas sometimes causes the mare to get diabetes during pre-pregnancy. During a year’s span, the section bundles the cells together so that the inside is filled with living cells with rewritten genetic code, and the outside is protected by the dead cells. Then, the newly formed egg is released the be hidden somewhere inside the esophagus in a sac.

Now, in order for the sperm and the egg to meet, the female must, yes, eat the shit of the stallion. This is a sacred thing, and it shows the love between the two. Since it’s, you know, shit, the female only does this when their body tells them that they’re ready to reproduce.

When the poop is on the way down the esophagus, the egg is released from its sac inside the esophagus the try to meet some sperm. Once they (hopefully) meet, the new cell gets regurgitated, and the foal is going to be born in a reptile-like egg that is in the mother’s care until it hatches. It hatches after around 60-70 days, though it relies on its parents for the first 3 years of its life.

Its species relies on human-style genetics; however, genes that tell it to become an alicorn forces it to become an earth pony instead.

Alicorns are created by genetic mutations, simple as that. Celestia just rewrote Twilight’s genetics to make her an alicorn.

Trees (StormbadgerXIII)

In order for a mare to become pregnant, the stallion must first turn into a tree.  This is a difficult, and often fatal, process.

Once the stallion has been transfigured, the mare must do the same, though her form takes something like a bird or wasp or bee or ice-cube or hat or anything that can fly and get things caught in their wings.

The birdbeewaspicecubehatmare flies up to the stalliontree and eats one of their fruit.  Seed included.  The seed goes into the stomach of the mare, who turns back into a pony, and then the seed turns into a little pony who is soon born through the mouth or anus of the mare (depending on their body angle).

Mares (and stallions) can eat apples without being birds or trees.  The reason ponies like the taste of apples so much is because of the sexual factor.  And yes, that inherently means stallions are kind of gay.

The Apple Family has an high rate of stallion attrition.  Hence why they have so many apple trees.

Oh, and ponies can have sex too, like all the damn clopfics on this site show us.  But you can't get pregnant from it.  Because that's not how sex works.