My Crappy New Life

by Good Christian Ethesto

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Romance, Adventure, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia, Dark, Human, Princess Luna, Applejack
Length: 9709

Cornelius Brown, a brony, gets the chance of a lifetime. Part of the Chess Game of the Gods series.

When Cornelius Brown, a super cool brony, meets a strange man in a Starbucks, he finally gets his dream of going to Equestria to meet his favorite ponies. Unfortunately, not all is as it appears in this seemingly peaceful land and he quickly finds himself in way over his head. It doesn't help that he has a weird new body too.

Part of the Chess Game of the Gots series canon.
It finally got accepted!

Please give me some constructive criticism. If you don't like it, tell me why. I want to improve.
Comments contain spoilers.

Picture Unrelated

Published 2013-06-07 11:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-06-13 13:40:11 UTC

Everything goes to shit.

It was just another friday, and our protagonist, Cornelius Brown, was walking home from a brutal and hectic day at high school. High school is really tuff, and people kept making fun of him all day for wearing his 'friendship is 20% cooler' T-shirt. He didn't care though, he would love and tolerate them until the end of time. They just didn't understand his undying love of ponies. They could never understand...

He walked down the sidewalk, listening to What my Cutie Mark is Telling me at full volume on his mp3 player. He could ride the bus, but the kids on the bus were mean, so he opted to instead walk. It wasn't very far anyway. Of course, he wasn't going straight home. He seldom did nowadays. Cornelius spent as little time at home as he could as his parents were always harassing him about making friends and doing something productive with his life. He hated it. It's not his fault that everyone else in the world is stupid. No one gets him.

Instead of continuing home, he turned off the sidewalk and into the local Starbucks. They had free WiFi there, so it was a prime hangout spot for an internet-savvy brony like himself. He took a seat by the window, not even caring to buy any coffee as coffee is icky, and pulled his laptop from his pony-pin-covered laptop case. He then got up and plugged the charger into a nearby outlet. He'd likely be there for a while and he didn't want his laptop to run out of batteries in the middle of something important.

Once that was done, he was finally able to take a deep breath and relax. High school was always so stressful, it was nice to get a chance to unwind and do his favorite thing. He opened youtube and began streaming episodes of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. He was proud to be a brony, so he didn't even use his headphones. Maybe other people in the store would see how enjoyable it was for people of all ages and sexes and become bronies too! Looking around, he saw nothing but hipsters and cool people sitting at the other tables, so sadly it wasn't likely that any of them would be interested. They were giving him annoyed looks, though. Clearly they couldn't understand the magic of friendship like he did.

Over an hour passed and he was completely enthralled with what was happening on his computer screen. So much so that he didn't even notice as a stranger sat down at the table next to him. Finally, he pulled his gaze away from the computer as he felt something sticky running down his legs. He looked down to see that his spaghetti had spilled out of his short's pockets and some had dripped down onto his meaty ankles.

He was about to grab a napkin when he finally noticed the stranger sharing a table with him. He looked to be somewhat old and was wearing a gray suit or something. None of that really registered with Cornelius, though. All that he noticed was that they had briefly made eye contact, and he instantly turned away, too awkward to look anyone in the eyes.

The stranger, being much more skilled socially, spoke up before Cornelius could utter a single word. "Hello, friend."

This caused confusion and panic to run through Cornelius' head. He didn't know this guy and the two of them certainly weren't friends. His mommy had always taught him to never talk to strangers or else they would touch his swimsuit area. He began to sweat as he was debating whether he should just ignore the stranger completely or if he should grab his laptop and leave.

These thoughts were pushed aside, though, as the stranger spoke again. "So I see you like My Little Pony."

Cornelius' eyes widened. This weird man knew about ponies? Maybe he wasn't a rapist after all! "Ugh, yeah," Cornelius responded with social skills comparable to a jungle cat.

"That's super swank," replied the stranger, "would you like to go to Equestria?"

Cornelius' face scrunched up in confusion at such a weird question. After a moment he thought about it, though. He would like to go to Equestria if given the chance. Then he could be super popular and make friends with all the main 6 (and possibly even become more than friends) and he could battle evil and be the coolest guy ever. Going to Equestria is every brony's dream! Humans are all heartless bastards anyway, so it's not like he'd be leaving anything behind. After a few long moments he finally spoke up with utmost confidence. "Well, I guess I would."

The strange man smiled, flashing his white and thoroughly flossed teeth. Flossing is important kids, remember that. "That's all I needed to know," he said as he snapped his bony fingers. Suddenly, Cornelius felt woozy and he fell to the floor in a daze. The last thing he saw before passing out was his laptop case resting on the floor. His eyes focused on his pin of Applejack. She was his favorite pony...

--

Cornelius woke up feeling strange. Stranger than he had ever felt before. He opened his eyes only to see that he was seemingly laying in the grass in a big field. Needless to say, he was extremely confused. He tried to push himself up, but his arms didn't seem to respond. In fact, he couldn't feel any of his limbs.

He began to panic as the two pieces of corn that now made up his eyes looked down at the rest of his body. If he had a mouth he would have gasped in shock. It turns out he was now a big piece of shit. He tried to scream as the revelation finally sunk in, but no sound came out.

After a few minutes of panicking, he finally got his mind under control, and he began to think rationally. This was just such a weird situation that he came to the obvious conclusion. He must have been dreaming! It was a really weird ream, but now that he knew it was a dream he could surely change things. He focused on not being a huge piece of shit anymore, but no amount of mental effort could change that for him.

He continued trying to mentally change his environment and his current state for minutes, but to no success, and was only brought out of his intense concentration as he heard the buzzing of a fly as it circled him. His eyes turned to watch as a comparatively massive horse fly had landed on his side. It wasted no time, finding a solid perch as it began excreting copious amounts of vomit out its proboscis onto him.

Cornelius wanted to scream and shoe the thing away, he wanted to wake up, and for all of this to end, but he couldn't do anything. He couldn't stop the fly as it began consuming his crap flesh, eventually making a small swathe on his side as it slurped his predigested shit skin up like a delicious milkshake.

His attention was once again pulled away as he heard a rumbling coming from the ground. He listened in on it, trying his best to ignore the fly going to town on his new body. It sounded like a series of booms, almost as though some massive creature was walking. He was instantly reminded of that scene from Jurassic Park. You know the one.

With the thought of T-rexes fresh in his mind, he wasn't at all assured when he realized the quakes were become louder and more noticeable. Clearly, whatever it was was coming closer. He finally got his first sight of the monstrous beast as it topped a nearby hill.

It was massive and four-legged, crushing grass with little regard as it trudged on with its humongous hooves. It's orange coat was the color of... Orange blood, and it had colossal green eyes. Its mane and tail were both styled into a yellow ponytail, and a dirty old cowboy hat sat atop its head, giving it an almost comical look. In case it's not completely obvious, he was looking at Applejack.

He was confused for a moment, but looking around he saw that the field he was in wasn't actually that large, and was flanked by trees. Clearly he was somewhere in her orchard. He suddenly felt relief, his favorite pony was here to save the day! Surely she'd help him! Then he realized how ridiculous that thought was considering that he was likely dreaming. Maybe if he tried hard enough, he could turn this into a wet dream. Then he could write all about it on the Tulpa general.

As Applejack trotted by, she suddenly stopped, smelling something fowl in the air. She looked around, instantly spotting the huge turd in the grass. Her eyes narrowed and she trotted over to it, forgetting whatever it was that she was doing for the time being. Once close, she leaned down until her snout was almost pressed into Cornelius' side, shoeing the fly away as she examined him. She took a few sniffs, her nose scrunching up in disgust.

"This aint mine!" she exclaimed in anger. Her head rose back up as she looked around, trying to spot whoever had left this shit on her property. She didn't see anyone, but that didn't mean they weren't hiding behind a tree nearby. "This here's my property," she called out, "ya better never show your face round here again, ya here?!"

With that her attention turned back to Cornelius, and he felt fear as he noticed the frown on her face. He tried calling out to her to explain what was going on and to ask for help, but once again no sound came out. He could only watch in horror as she lowered her head and grabbed him in her powerful jaws, chewing up his shitty exterior before swallowing.

This was her property, so only she was allowed to shit here. By eating that shit she showed her superiority. With a smug, and slightly brown, smile, she trotted on back to her house to grab some dinner.

--

It was early the next day, and Applejack had just headed over to the local library, and home to her friend, alicorn Twilight Sparkle. She knocked on the door before being let inside by Twilight's dragon slave. Once inside she smiled happily as she met with her friend.

"Well howdy Twilight. Quite a nice day we're havin' aint it?" She asked in her obnoxious, over-the-top southern accent.

"Just cut the crap," commanded Twilight. She wasn't one for useless small talk, especially when she was in the middle of a good book. "We both know why you're here."

Applejack nodded and turned around, presenting her backside to her friend. It was time for the offering. Twilight moved the tail aside with her magic and pressed her mouth to her friend's anus before sucking the shit out. All her friends came by periodically to offer their shit to Twilight as a submissive gesture, just as all the ponies of Ponyville submitted to Mayor Mare. That's just how they do things in Equestria.

After slurping furiously for over a minute, Twilight was finished, and she took a final swallow before wiping her mouth with the back of a foreleg. "That tasted even shittier than usual," she commented.

Applejack turned around and nodded. "Yesterday I ate a piece of poop I found on my lawn, so that was double-poop."

"Well soon it'll be triple poop," she said as she imagined how she would soon be crapping it into Celestia and Luna's mouths as all authority figures in Equestria do to prove their loyalty to the crown. Haven't you ever wondered why Celestia and Luna are so big? It's because they're both full of shit.

Shitsplosion

It had been over a week, and Twilight Sparkle had traveled all the way to Canterlot Palace. It was that time of the month when all the nobles and town leaders traveled to the capitol to pay their dues to the princesses. Their 'doo dues', that is. As the sky carriage landed outside the castle and Twilight stepped out she felt a pain in her colon. It had not been agreeing with her lately. In fact, it seemed to be completely on strike. She hadn't managed to take a shit in over ten days, and it was really starting to build up down there.

She managed to shrug off the pain in her intestines as she forced herself to walk with little more than a slight limp. Many of the guards and castle staff knew her personally as she had been to the palace many times, and she didn't want to make them think there was something wrong with her. Explaining that she had troubles going to the bathroom would be both embarrassing and a massive blow to her ego. Ponies pride themselves on their ability to shit. It plays such a vital role in their culture, being a bad shitter is a great disgrace.

She walked through the hallways much slower than usual, unable to keep a good pace without feeling too much pain in her backside. At this rate, she'd be the last one in line to feed the princesses her shit. Or rather, the princess. She remembered reading something about how Celestia was away on some diplomatic meeting or something, so it would just be Luna all by herself. Twilight briefly wondered if the smaller alicorn would be able to manage all that shit on her own, but then she pushed those thoughts aside. Luna may be small, but she had eaten more shit than most ponies ever. Surely she could handle herself.

As she clip-clopped through the marble hallways, she was stopped as a guard came around the corner and spotted her. "Ms. Twilight," he said respectfully. All the guards look almost exactly the same, but Twilight was able to recognize his voice easily enough. "It's nice to see you here, are you heading over to the shitting ceremony?"

"Hello colonel Anal Gape," she said back. "Yes, I was just on my way there right now."

"Well allow me to escort you then, milady." It was no secret that Anal Gape had quite a crush on Twilight. Ever since he saw her as a filly he just couldn't keep his eyes off her. She had to admit, she was a bit attracted to him. He had accomplished a lot in his life, managing to achieve the rank of colonel. Back when her brother was still captain of the Canterlot guard, he ate more of his shit than anyone. Truly her parents would be proud if she settled down with him, but she didn't feel a need for that just yet. And at the moment all that mattered was getting to the ceremony without her colon exploding.

She smiled and continued to walk, trying her best to keep a good pace, but the best she could do was still far slower than an average walk. He quickly caught on to this and looked at her with an upraised eyebrow. "Are you alright?" He asked as his eyes probed every angle of her body in search of injuries, or, more likely, because she had a nice ass.

"Yes," she grunted out through gritted teeth. All this walking was starting to hurt a lot. She wanted nothing more than to sit down and shit all over the floor, but then she wouldn't be able to shit into Luna's mouth. Such was an act of treason, and she'd be lucky if she wasn't executed publicly. "Let's just keep going," she continued.

Anal Gape stepped in front of her before she could hobble any further, though. "Something is clearly going on here. Besides, you're not going to make it there in time at this rate. So what's the problem?"

Twilight blushed and looked away. She could never tell him about her problem. He'd never like her again if she did. Instead she let out a soft whimper as she fell to her side, trying to set herself in a comfortable position that didn't put any pressure on her bowels. He looked her up and down before smiling.

"Oh I see," he stated as he walked closer and put a hoof to her shoulder. "You're constipated."

Twilight's eyes widened and her blush grew. "What? But- how'd you know?"

He just smiled down at her. "I've gotten constipated plenty of times myself."

Despite his confession, Twilight didn't feel any better. "But I NEED to poop into Luna's mouth. I can't if I'm constipated. And I can't even walk there with how clogged up I am."

Anal Gape chuckled lightly, eliciting a hurt look from Twilight as she thought he was laughing at her. "Then it's a good thing you have me. You know, they call me Anal Gape for a reason."

Twilight's eyes widened as she got the implication of this. "But, here? Now? No, it would hurt too badly!"

"Woah, woah. Slow down there missy," he cut in before she could go off on a tangent. "There's more than one way to open an anus. Here," he reached into a pocket in his armor and pulled out some pills. "They'll help you poop. Unfortunately they take a little while to get to work, and we have to get you to the throne room quick."

Twilight unscrewed the bottle with her magic and took the prescribed amount before handing the bottle back to Anal Gape. She'd have to thank him later, but for now she had a throne room to get to. She was surprised as he suddenly hefted her onto his back, running down the hall towards the throne.

He slowed down as they got close, before dropping her off in the back of an ever shrinking line of ponies that were shitting in Luna's mouth. Thanks to him she had made it. She'd have to give him a blow job or something later to make it up to him, but for now it was show time. She waited a few minutes as pony after pony stepped up to the throne and secreted feces into the night princess' throat. Finally she watched as filthy rich unloaded his payload into her throat before stepping away. Now only she was left. She walked up to the throne with all eyes on her, still feeling a slight pain in her colon.

Now that she was close she noticed the bulge on Luna's sides. Clearly she was absolutely chocked full of shit. No matter, Twilight was the last pony, so once this was done she didn't have to eat any more shit for the time being. Twilight only hoped that the pills would do their job. Her life was hanging in the balance. If she couldn't shit in the princess' mouth it was all over. She turned around and faced her plump backside to Luna on her throne, imagining how Luna would soon be her throne. A throne as in a toilet, that is.

Luna extended her neck, opening her mouth wide, ready to receive her last meal of the night. Twilight clenched her teeth and pushed with all her might, grunting as she felt pain in her bowels. They really didn't seem to want to cooperate, but she would make them cooperate. She kept pushing and grunting, the veins on her neck bulging out and her eyes nearly popping from her skull as she pushed so hard.

All around the gathered nobles and towns leaders watched on in confusion. Clearly they were all wondering the same thing: 'why is Twilight having so much trouble taking a shit?'.

Luna frowned as it became apparent that her mouth wasn't getting filled with filth. "We grow tired of these games, Twilight. Feed us your shit already."

Twilight took a momentary pause in her pushing to answer, "it's coming!"

Finally, with a mighty rawr, Twilight forced her anus open and a massive log of defecation sprang forth like an angry python, ramming into the back of Luna's throat. Her eyes widened as she swallowed the gargantuan turd. Unfortunately for her, it was still coming. Twilight had ten days worth of poop stored up, and now that the floodgates were open there was no stopping it. Twilight cried and screamed in agony as the colossal shit worm continued to force itself out of her and down Luna's throat, coiling in her stomach like a spring.

Luna had tears running down her face as she gagged and writhed in pain. Clearly this was too much shit for even her to handle. She had already reached her limit! Like a water balloon she kept expanding until her stomach couldn't take it anymore. With a great bang, she burst, spewing the mountain of shit in her gut in all directions in a disgusting poopsplosion. Twilight Sparkle and any other pony nearby were launched away by the force of the shit, being thrown across the room.

After a few moments, the poop settled, and the crowd of bystanders looked around in shock. Literally nothing was left untouched by the shit. Each pony was covered in a combination of their own and everyone else's feces (as well as Cornelius). The room had literally been painted brown. Twilight stood up on shaky legs, taking in the full scope of her surrounding in those brief moments.

Finally, after what felt like forever, all the ponies in the room turned and glared at her, clearly very upset with the current state of affairs.

"Well shit," she cursed.

The shit heard 'round the world

Celestia took a long and loud sip from her tea cup, making a little straw with her tongue so she could suck the warm liquid up. The rest of the inhabitants in the large, decorated room didn't seem to pay her obnoxious slurping any mind, though. It would seem that if she wanted to annoy them she would have to try harder.

She had to entertain herself somehow, after all. I mean, there are few things more boring than sitting in a room with all the Zebra ambassadors, discussing trade regulations and shit. She opened her mouth and started chinking away at the teacup with her front teeth, making an annoying pinging, but she was once more ignored. If the Zebras were annoyed by her efforts, they managed to hide it well.

She pulled the teacup away from her face with her magic and frowned. That one usually managed to annoy Luna at least. She looked around briefly to see if she could find anything to give herself an idea or two, when she suddenly felt something. Like a jolt of electricity. Her eyes widened and her body tensed up, losing her magical grip of the teacup and sending it flying into a far off wall where it shattered.

That had managed to get the Zebras' attention, and now they were all silent, looking at her.

"Please excuse me," she said as she got up, walking out without waiting for any of their opinions on the matter. "I have important things I've got to do."

Once outside the Zebras' fancy capitol building, Celestia took to the air, wanting to avoid any of the locals so she could take a moment to think about what had just happened. She had felt a disturbance in the magical force, and a big one at that. Probably every unicorn on the planet had felt that one...

It wasn't hard to locate where it came from, but the destination is what scared her the most. Whatever it was, it had happened in Canterlot palace. She began to fear that some evil force had taken advantage of her absence and had attacked. With that thought fresh in her mind, her horn lit up, and she disappeared in a magical flash, appearing hundreds of miles away. Thankfully she had magic. God forbid she flies anywhere or does anything by hoof.

--

Twilight Sparkle sat alone in her cell, leaned up against the wall. A fresh trail of tears had spouted from her massive tear ducts, but she was too absorbed in her mourning to care about wiping them away. She couldn't help but wonder how everything had gone so wrong. Just yesterday she was a newly crowned princess alicorn (though the title didn't come with much power) with loving friends and family, student to princess Celestia, and the most powerful ex unicorn in the whole country. Now she was locked in a cold cell all alone.

She hadn't meant to detonate Luna with the sheer force of her shit... It was all an accident. Now they would likely execute her for the assassination of one of the prime princesses. No doubt the news would convey it as a power grab. One princess killing another. Then she'd be publicly shamed. Her parents would probably have to go into hiding... And what would her friends think?

And what about Celestia? Her mentor and oldest friend. She was going to be super angry, no doubt. Twilight began to sob louder as those thoughts kept circling through her head over and over again. That is, until she heard the telltale clinking of the heavy wooden door being unlocked.

Twilight quieted down and wiped some tears away with a foreleg as she looked to see who it was, only to be disappointed as she saw that it was just a guard coming in. She hadn't been visited for hours now after being thrown in here, and now the guard was probably here to interrogate her.

She was surprised when he got closer and finally spoke, "Ms. Sparkle."

Her eyes widened as she recognized the voice. "Anal Gape? What are you doing here?"

He smiled as he took off his helmet and set it to the side, revealing his generic white coat and blue eyes. "I managed to get assigned to this room to guard you. For the next couple hours it's just you and me."

Twilight sniffled a bit and looked away. "I must look such a mess... And I doubt you'd want to spend any time with me after what I've done."

"Nonsense!" He stated, prompting a confused look from Twilight. "That was one of- no, the mightiest shit I've ever seen. How could I not want to spend time with you after that?"

Twilight wiped away the last of her tears, looking into Anal Gape's eyes in search of deceit, but all she saw were his gorgeous blue eyes. "You really mean that?"

"Yep. Also, I believe you owe me a favor for those pills."

Twilight couldn't help but smile and blush at the implications, and continued to do so as he removed the rest of his armor and put it in a corner of the cell. Once he was fully undressed, he reached down and pulled the caps off his back legs, revealing the pink, rounded heads on the tip of each. They looked bloated and swollen as though Anal Gape had been scratching at them recently, and Twilight couldn't help but feel butterflies in her tummy.

She had never been with a stallion before, and now it was happening. She wished it was somewhere nicer, or even at a better time, but she wasn't going to complain. She felt her pestilent birthing sacks in her belly roiling in anticipation of what was to come, already producing copious amounts of viscous goo.

She opened her mouth, hocking up a pool of brown liquid on the cobblestone floor as the glands in the back of her throat went into over drive creating enough lubricant for what was to come. Anal Gape stepped closer, being careful not to put too much weight on his back legs, as he stood over the pool on the floor.

He bent down and extended his tongue, lapping up a small amount of the goo before licking it all up. It tasted sweet like cinnamon meaning that Twilight was fit to procreate. Once he had swallowed the last of her brown goo, he moved in closer, rubbing the dirtied hair from her face with one foreleg.

"This is going to hurt really bad," he whispered in her ear. Twilight didn't care though, she knew she could take it. Her body was ready. Suddenly, Anal Gape struck out, hitting her in the jaw with as much force as he could muster and dislocating it. A few fresh tears ran down Twilight's cheeks as she felt her jaw hanging open awkwardly, and she tasted some blood mixing in with the goo already pooling in her mouth.

Anal Gape sat back on his haunches, poking his back legs out. The pink heads began moving on their own, opening and closing like a pair of gasping fish as they began wiggling around. Anal Gape grit his teeth and grunted in pain as his legs suddenly disconnected at the knees with a sickening squelching sound. Twilight could only watch wide-eyed as the now-separated appendages slithered across the floor with a mind of their own in her direction. Now that she looked hard, she could see that one had a blue racing stripe on the side while the other had a red one.

She bent down, bearing her wide-open mouth for the thing as it climbed up onto her tongue. It was already covered in a thick, white goo, mixing in with all the goo currently in Twilight's mouth and causing some of it to overflow over her teeth and drip down her chin.

It writhed inside her mouth like an angry hotdog, sending waves of pain through Twilight's detached jaw. Meanwhile, the other leg slithered around to her backside, stopping before her upraised tail. Without waiting for an invitation, it suddenly rammed its head into her unprepared anus, eliciting a pained moan from her. She wiggled her rump slightly, but the thing already had a solid grip with its grasping claws, meaning that it wasn't going anywhere. Anywhere but in, that is. It forced its way inside, ignoring Twilight's pained moans as it had a mission.

The one in the mouth simultaneously forced its way into her throat, spreading her esophagus like butter on toast. Even with the massive amounts of lubricating goo in the throat, it still hurt as the huge thing forced its way down, stretching it more than it had ever been stretched before. It continued to writhe all the way down, intent on making it to its destination before its twin did.

Meanwhile, the other leg was crawling through her intestines with no regard whatsoever. It was moving as fast as it could, it had to get to her primary sex organ, located just below her stomach, before its twin did or it wouldn't get to do its job. You see, only the fastest of the two sex legs gets to impregnate a mare while the other dies in horrible anguish, so they race to get there first.

Twilight continued to squirm as the two sex legs raced to her private parts. They weren't being very subtle about it...

Meanwhile, Anal Gape had stood up on his remaining two legs and crawled over to twilight. He positioned himself over her as he suddenly retched, squirting twin streams of urine out of two holes on the roof of his mouth. This had nothing to do with sex, he just had to piss.

After what felt like forever, the sex legs finally stopped their squirming as one was clearly made the victor. She would only find out which one won when she finally pooped out the desecrated corpse of the loser. If the blue one won it would mean she would spawn boys, while the red would insure she spawned girls. She laid still on the floor, covered in sweat, pee, goo, shit, and tears.

Today was just one of those days.

With shits so big it takes two days to walk around one

"What the artificially grafted shit-dick is going on in here?" Asked Celestia as she walked into the throne room. There was shit literally everywhere, and it had yet to be fully cleaned by the dozens of palace slaves who were licking it up.

A nearby guard trotted up and saluted her with a foreleg, clearly he was in charge here. Celestia had to admit, despite having lived with guards for thousands of years, she still couldn't tell any of them apart. "Greetings your highness, you're home early. I trust your trip to the Zebra-"

"Cut the bullshit. What's going on here?" She asked, eager to learn what the magical discharge she felt was.

The guard rubbed his forelegs together nervously, clearly not liking whatever it was he was about to explain. "Last night was the shit feast (as it was often referred to). Princess Luna had gone through the whole night without a problem, eating everyponys' shit and she was starting to get a little bloated. I suppose she wasn't used to eating so much on her own... So, so very much shit..."

"What happened?" Asked Celestia in a commanding voice, prompting the guard to get back on track with his explanation.

"Well, Twilight Sparkle was last in line, and everything seemed like it was going to be fine. Then she was having some trouble shitting. She was pushing really hard and everything! Then, like a volcano erupting, she suddenly unloaded her payload of shit into princess Luna's throat. They both screamed in agony... It was so much shit... Luna just couldn't handle it all. Then she exploded, spreading shit everywhere. We locked Twilight up in the dungeon until you could return to judge her accordingly," the guard finished, unable to even make eye contact with Celestia after giving the news that her sister was dead.

Surprisingly, Celestia didn't seem too concerned with that detail, and was instead examining the shit that still stained the walls, floor, and ceiling of the massive chamber. She could feel the magic practically oozing out of the excrement helping her come to the conclusion that this was indeed the magical shit she was looking for.

She turned back to the guard after having decided what to do. "Make sure the servants lick up ALL the shit, then once they're done inform them that they'll be shitting it directly into my mouth. I don't want to lose even a drop of that shit. Do I make myself clear?"

The guard saluted once again. "Yes your highness!" He called out before vigorously trotting over to the servants and relaying the princess' orders. Now that that was out of the way, Celestia had a certain faithful student to visit in the dungeons. The walk there was pretty short, but Celestia simply teleported because she can. She arrived with a flash outside the dungeons and trotted on in, not being stopped by the multiple guards.

She quickly found Twilight's cell and pushed the heavy wooden door open, trusting her student enough to not try anything despite the fact that there were no guards present. As she stepped into the cell she instantly took note of the absolutely awful smell. It was as though someone had dipped hundreds of festering baby pony corpses in a pool of urine and vomit, before leaving them out in the sun to rot. What she actually found in the cell wasn't much better.

Twilight lay on the floor, covered in shit, urine, and probably all manner of other gross bodily excretions. A stream of brown goo dripped from her dislocated jaw, making a pool that covered over a third of the floor. Laying nearby was a white stallion, his coat stained brown from the goo. His sex legs had seemingly dislocated, probably having penetrated Twilight just moments prior, leaving him mostly immobile as his leg stumps bled into the pool.

Celestia probably would have thrown up, adding to the gross concoction on the floor, but she'd seen plenty of disgusting things in her life. This hardly even made her gag.

The pair of ponies on the floor quickly took notice of her presence, and looked at her with shock. Anal Gape because she was the commander and chief of the royal guard, and Twilight because she was her mentor and mother figure, not to mention Twilight had just inadvertently murdered her sister.

Before they could even hope to spew out their apologies, Celestia spoke up. "Guard slave, you're dismissed. I'd like to speak to Twilight alone."

He saluted as best he could, pushing himself up out of the goo. Normally, a guard would have probably argued about leaving the princess alone with a potentially dangerous prisoner, but he just wanted to get out of here before the princess decided to punish him. Besides, he wasn't really in the best shape to protect her at the moment anyway. He quickly grabbed his pile of armor from the corner before crawling as best he could out of the room, spreading a line of red and brown goo behind himself like a huge pony slug.

Once he was outside, Celestia shut the door with her magic before turning back to Twilight. The purple alicorn wouldn't even meet Celestia's gaze, and she just looked absolutely pitiful sitting there with a messed up jaw. Celestia sighed, using her magic to relocate her student's jaw, eliciting a pained moan from Twilight. Seeing that her student didn't seem too keen on starting the conversation, she decided that she would do it.

"I just got back from the throne room. There was shit everywhere," She said, her voice not giving a hint at her emotions. "I heard that your shit was so large that it caused my dear sister to explode. Is that true?"

Twilight continued to look at the floor, fresh tears coming to her eyes at having to tell her teacher to her face that she'd accidentally murdered her sister. "Y-yes, princess. I just had to shit so bad... I guess she couldn't take it."

Celestia smiled. Even after all these years, her student continued to impress her. "That must have been a mighty shit," she commented with a hint of pride in her voice.

This confused Twilight, and she finally raised her head to meet her mentor's eyes. "B-but, I killed your sister. I'm a murderer. I deserve to be punished."

Celestia briefly considered getting kinky and 'punsihing' her naughty student, but in the interest of being a boner kill I'm not going to let that happen. "It looks like it's time I let you in on a little secret." Twilight instantly perked up at the idea of learning something new from her teacher. "Long ago, over three thousand years, in fact, when I was still young, I was out in a field. I've never told anypony this, but back then I was but a simple earth pony. I worked at my family's orange orchard, and I even had a radiant orange for a cutie mark. One day, while digging a ditch where we would later plant new orange trees, I unearthed something. Something strange and magical... Something that was never meant to be found."

"What was it?" Asked Twilight, enraptured by this story that seemingly told the origins of her teacher.

"It was a giant piece of shit. However, I soon learned that it was no ordinary shit. It practically radiated magical energy, and before I knew it I was devouring it by the mouthful. It just seemed to call to me. It was so enticing, I couldn't not eat it. Before I knew it, I had completely consumed the massive turd, giving my belly a well-rounded finish as I had just injested literally pounds of shit. It wasn't long before I started to change."

"Within a day I was twice my height and I had spouted a horn and wings. But that's not all. Apparently my body simply couldn't handle that much shit, so I crapped the rest out. Of course, instead of coming out as poop, it came out as a tiny blue alicorn. It was luna, in case you're retarded."

"So Luna was-" Started Twilight, only to have her thought finished by Celestia.

"Yes, Luna wasn't my sister, and technically she wasn't my daughter. She was just a big piece of magical shit. I taught her that she was my sister and that she just couldn't remember her childhood, and with her at my side I was able to overthrow the unicorns in charge and take over all of Equestria. Unfortunately, being a huge piece of magical shit, she had some mental problems..." Celestia smiled down at her student. "And you vanquished her."

Twilight once again looked upset, as though Celestia was about to berate her, but that never happened. "I should really thank you Twilight. I always hated Luna. She was so annoying, but I couldn't get rid of her myself. Even the elements of harmony couldn't kill her as even with her emotional problems she was never truly evil."

"But... Wait... You're thanking me now?" Asked Twilight in confusion. This really wasn't how she imaged things would go down at all.

"Of course. A few hours ago I was all the way in the Zebra empire, and I was still able to feel the magical force of your absolutely massive shit. It was so powerful, I think it might even rival the one I took when I made Luna. This is a glorious day. I ordered the servant to devour all of it, then they're going to shit it into my mouth. Then, with my power added to that shit, there's no telling what will happen."

Celestia seemed strangely excited about this. It's likely that the idea of taking a powerful shit just turns her on. Either way, Twilight's mood had improved drastically. First she had finally been fucked by a stallion, then her teacher wasn't even mad at her, and now she learned that she had actually been helpful. She pushed herself up out of the goo, still feeling the sex legs writhing in her tummy as they fought for dominance, and smiled up at Celestia.

Now that Celestia was done with her story, she just had one question. "How did your poop become so powerful? Did you eat something special?"

Twilight put a hoof to her chin in thought. She had eaten a lot of stuff in the past ten days as she's a fat little slut. She ate a lot of meat and hay, she even ate some of Fluttershy's pet animals when her friend wasn't looking, but none of that was really special. Then she remembered that Applejack had fed her some of her shit. Such a thing wasn't significant, except for what she had said about it being double shit.

Her eyes widened as she looked to Celestia, having likely figured out the answer. "The only thing significant is that Applejack shit in my mouth about a week ago. She said something about how she had found a piece of shit in her orchard and had eaten it, making her shit double shit. She must have found a powerful shit there!"

Celestia looked shocked at this latest news. "If that shit was powerful enough to give you the most powerful shit in Equestrian history, there's no telling what it could have done to Applejack!"

"Come to think of it, I haven't seen Applejack since she shit in my mouth a week ago... You don't think something bad happened to her, do you?" Asked Twilight.

Celestia quickly grabbed her student with a foreleg, ushering her towards the door. "There's no time for that, we have to go check on her now. Hopefully we'll get back in time for me to eat all the servants' shit."

And with that they were off, going to check on Applejack in Ponyville. Surely nothing horrible could happen.

Penta-shit

"Yo, Applejack. You here...?" Asked Twilight as she pushed her way into the Apple family homestead. None of the lights were on and the place looked abandoned which was unusual. Usually Granny Smith was hanging around or Sweetie Belle, Applejack's daughter, was nearby with her friends, the sound of child laughter echoing through the orchard. Not even Big Mac and Applejack's constant tree kicking could be heard.

Twilight continued into the house, looking around for any sign of her friend. Celestia stood watch just out front, waiting for her student to come out with the news. Twilight continued through the living room, noticing that the couch was pushed over. Something must have happened! Twilight grew frantic and trotted up the steps and to the bedrooms located on the second floor. She really hoped she would just find Applejack sleeping, despite the fact that it wasn't that late. Maybe she was sick...

She pushed open Applejack's door but didn't see anything in the room. Nothing looked out of place anyway. There was mud everywhere, but that's to be expected from a sludge pony like Applejack. Legends say that all dirt ponies are descended from pigs, and Twilight could hardly argue against that.

She stepped back into the hall, deciding to check the other rooms to see if anyone else was home. She walked to the next door down and pushed it open, only to find a green heap of flesh sprawled across the floor. The smell was grotesque, and Twilight instantly backpedaled as it assaulted her nostrils. After a brief moment she managed to cover her snout with her magical aura, blocking out whatever the horrible smell was.

With that done, she took a few steps forward, entering the room to examine what was on the floor. She nearly ran out of the room again as she realized that it was the saggy body of Granny Smith on the floor. She gasped and moved forward, thinking that Granny must have accidently fallen and hurt herself. She tried to pick up Granny Smith's head to see if she was okay, but in her haste the didn't notice the partially dried blood pooling on the floor, and so she was shocked to find the right side of Granny's face caved in. She dropped the head and scooted away, retching as she realized what she was looking at.

She edged up to the wall, breathing heavily as she tried to figure out what was going on. Clearly Granny Smith was beyond saving at this point, but that still didn't answer what happened and where the rest of the Apples were. As she tried to steady her breathing she heard a quiet sound coming from somewhere in the room. Being curious, she ducked her head until it was nearly level with the wooden floor. Naturally, under the bed is the first place anyone intelligent looks for anything in a random room.

What she saw was a curled up Sweetie Belle looking back at her with scared eyes. Good, she finally found someone. Maybe now Twilight could get some answers.

--

A few minutes later Twilight walked out of the house, hooves drenched in fresh blood, only to meet a confused Celestia.

"Did you find out where Applejack is, Twilight?" She asked.

"Yes, but it took some coaxing. Apparently Applejack completely changed... The shit must have turned her into an alicorn. She's different though... I found her entire family brutally murdered in there. Apparently she's going to the palace now for some reason... We have to stop her!"

Celestia nodded before taking a moment to look at Twilight's blood-coated body. "Where'd you learn that if all of the Apple family was dead?"

"You always taught me not to ask questions I don't want to know the answer to," responded Twilight calmly. Celestia might have considered pressing the issue, but there were clearly more important matters at hand. For example, the homicidal alicorn that was apparently traveling to the palace. Celestia nodded and the both of them prepared to teleport back to the Palace gardens.

--

Applejack licked her chops, noting the unique taste. She had eaten shit countless times in the past, but this was new entirely. Around her sat the bodies of over a dozen palace servants and guards. Each of the servant's stomachs were cut open as Applejack had just finished eating the shit out of them. That amount of shit would have probably been too much for her if not for her increased size. For some reason she had transformed and was now nearly as Tall as Celestia.

She couldn't help but chuckle. Just a week ago she had been a normal dirt pony trying to live her life in a world full of pegasi and unicorns with a superiority complex. "Now who's superior?" She chucked to herself, noting her long spiral horn, and new, orange wings. Thankfully, her dumb accent had also been changed in the transformation, so now she didn't sound like a complete retard.

Her stomach rumbled as she felt the magic of the shit doing its job. She had figured out after a few days that it must have been that shit she ate that had changed her. How it ended up in Canterlot palace she wasn't sure, but it wasn't hard to locate it. Her body had already absorbed much of the poop's energy, but now she was going to absorb the rest, or something. I don't know, I'm just the narrator, I'm sure she'll explain her plans later. Then she would be the most powerful being in existence and she could slaughter all who apposed her!

Just like her family... She had always hated them. Now that she was an alicorn, she felt there was no reason not to murder them all. Unfortunately she wasn't able to find and kill her daughter, but she was kind of strained for time. Besides, she could always just go kill the brat later. Once she had finished with her plans...

She sat down on her rump and waited for the shit to run its course, when suddenly the throne room doors burst open to reveal none other than Celestia and Twilight. They both looked pretty pissed, and Celestia only grew more angry when she saw that Applejack had eaten the shit.

"That shit was for me! I was going to eat that!" Shouted Celestia. Her horn was already lighting up, ready to cast a spell at a moment's notice.

"We just came from your home, Applejack. We saw what you did to your family."

Applejack just chucked, standing up despite the absolutely massive amounts of shit in her belly weighing her down. "They are no longer my family. Besides, they were just dirty mud ponies. What do you care? But that's aside the point, I'm sure you're wondering why I'm here."

"I can assume that you're here to eat that shit, and I can assume that it's because you've grown hungry for power (and shit)," explained Twilight. "We were best friends, Applejack. How could you have changed like this?"

"Nothing has changed," laughed Applejack. "This is always who I've been, I was just always trapped in that filthy dirt pony body. Now that I have a real body I can fulfill my destiny."

"I thought your destiny was kicking apple trees," spat Celestia.

"Oh shut your mouth, winch. My destiny has nothing to do with apples. If you look closely, my cutie mark is a trio of brutalized pony skulls, covered in blood. It's my destiny to slaughter all that I deem unworthy of life. My family was just the first, then I'll move on to the up-tight unicorns. They always look down upon all others, and I'll be looking down on their desecrated corpses. Then I'll move on to Cloudsdale and I'll hurl the old and young from its highest terrace. Their death screams will fill the night. And don't think I'll leave the dirty mud ponies alone. I'll spread a plague across their crops and light their homes on fire as they sleep. I'll give them a disease that will cause their genitals to shrivel up so they can no longer inbreed!"

"And through it all, I'll just laugh at their pain. The cries of thousands echoing in my ears," finished Applejack.

Twilight and Celestia shared a shocked look before looking back at Applejack. "Wow, that's real fucked up, mate," commented Celestia. "I guess now we know what you're planning and that we have got to stop you."

"Hahaha! Go ahead and try," shot back Applejack cockily. Clearly she wasn't afraid of no shit-tier pony princesses. "Bring your might to bear. Strike me down!"

Celestia and Twilight were happy to oblige, their horns lighting up like a pair of tiny suns as they brought the full force of their magic to their horns. They yelled as they suddenly let it all out in a pair of magical lasers so powerful they could probably incinerate half the palace. The lasers curved through the air before homing in on Applejack's smiling form.

They hit, but instead of destroying Applejack outright they seemed to just be absorbed into her, causing her to light up with her own magical glow. Twilight and Celestia stood by in shock. Their attack had completely failed! It should have destroyed her!

"Hah, for two who think yourselves wise, you really are gullible. You think I'd just act so cocky if I didn't have something up my sleeve(ponies don't wear shirts)? I'm surprised you actually fell for that. Either way, I must thank you. Without your power my plan would have never worked."

"W-what did you do?! How did you...?" Twilight asked in complete confusion.

"Oh, that's easy. The shit in my stomach absorbed the magic from your attacks, just as it's absorbing my magic right now. I'm not stupid enough to think that I can just eat the shit again and absorb more energy from it... That's retarded. No, this shit is too powerful for me. I'm returning my energy, as well as my life energy to it. Of course, that wasn't enough, so I needed a bit more. Thankfully, having been eaten five times now, it has absorbed energy from Luna, Twilight, and a few dozen other ponies, as well as Celestia just now. You thought it was powerful before? Now it's even more powerful than you could possibly imagine."

Twilight looked at Applejack like she was insane. She kinda was... "But... That'll kill you! You can't possibly survive that!"

"Well duh!" Stated Applejack with a roll of her eyes. The idioitc ponies she had to put up with... "I have no delusions of actually ruling. My cutie mark really is just three apples... I'm doing this to get revenge on all of Equestria. They've treated me like shit my whole life. Even you, Twilight. Since I'm a dirt pony you hardly ever even talk to me compared to our other friends. You treat me like a second rate friend yet you act as though we're best friends?! I only killed my family to spare them from the horrible fate that will befall everypony else. I also killed the rest of our friends, but I'm sure you didn't even notice."

Twilight's jaw fell open in horror. If what Applejack was saying was true, all of her friends were dead, and now Applejack was about to destroy all of Equestria with the most powerful shit ever... And she was powerless to stop her. She had already used her most powerful attack and it had only done more harm than good, not to mention that attack took a lot out of her.

It looks like this is the end for Equestria. Applejack continued to laugh maniacally until she suddenly groaned in pain. She fell to the floor as the huge bulge in her stomach began moving as though it had a mind of its own. "It's happening..." She grunted out. Apparently ponies are able shit mere minutes after eating.

She began screaming as the massive turd forced its way out, tearing her insides apart in the process. After a matter of minutes it was over, and Applejack lay bloody and lifeless on the floor next to a piece of shit that was easily twice the size of a pony. Everything was eerily quiet, and Twilight took a few steps forward, wondering if the shit had failed somehow.

She was thoroughly surprised and jumped back like a scared cat, with her back arched up and her fur sticking out, as the shit suddenly began to move. Limbs seemed to form out of the pile of filth and it suddenly pushed itself up, standing on two long, shit legs. It had shit arms on either side of its body and a shit head on top.

Suddenly, the shit creature began to transform. Its shit flesh became real flesh, devoid of fur. After a matter of seconds it had completely transformed into a creature even more disgusting than the huge shit... It was a brony... It was Cornelius Brown. He stood, stark naked, glaring at the ponies.

"What the fuck is wrong with you ponies? I've been here for like a week and I've already gotten eaten like five times... Do you have any idea how much it sucks being in a pony colon? No, you don't! Fuck you! I used to like ponies, but now I see that you're all a bunch of shit-eating fucks!"

Twilight was about to say something when Cornelius suddenly extended his arm and a tiny skinrender jumped out of his palm.

It leaped through the air and before Twilight knew it, the skineender had put three -1/-1 counters on her and she was sent to the graveyard. Celestia wasn't even able to blink before a bolt of lightning hit her square in the forehead, courtesy of Cornelius.

And so, the shit brony went on a killing rampage, getting his revenge on all of Equestria. None were spared his wrath, and before long the planet was a desolate waste land.

And that's why Brony in Equestria stories are shit. The end.