“I’m bored,” announced Sweetie Belle one sweltering summer afternoon.
“Well so am I, but you don’t hear me bitching about it,” Scootaloo said in a pissy voice. Don’t mind her, though, she’s just on her period.
“Guys, Ah know how to solve our boredom problem!” That filthy earth pony, Apple Bloom, came skipping down the path, blissfully unaware that she was significantly less endowed than her glorious unicorn master race friend, Sweetie Belle.
“How?” asked the glorious Sweetie, her horn shining majestically in the summertime sun.
Apple Bloom reached into her back pocket, which she had installed on her blank butt, and retrieved a small rectangular package. “Ah filched these from Applejack!”
Scootaloo looked at the package, her tiny yet supple pegasus brain working at full capacity to understand what was inside. “Shit, are those smokes? We can get our smoking cutie marks!”
“Applejack doesn’t seem to be the kind to smoke cigarettes, though. Are you sure you didn’t get them from Big Mac?” Sweetie asked, slightly confused.
“Of course Ah got them from Applejack! Big Mac’s a sophisticated stallion, he smokes from his pipe.” Of course, Apple Bloom is a wretched earth pony, so the other two couldn’t trust a word she said. Also, she was related to Applejack, the most notorious liar around. You know how those honest types are.
“Well, what are we waiting for?” Scootaloo said with an eager grin. “Let’s light these faggots up!”
“Wait, Rarity always told me smoking was bad for you,” Sweetie Belle pointed out.
“It doesn’t matter if it’s bad for us,” Scootaloo said with a roll of her eyes. “It makes you look cool!” Even though she was a meat-headed pegasus, Scootaloo occasionally had flashes of brilliance.
“Well...” Sweetie Belle said, still rather unsure. “If it’ll make us cool...”
“Once we’re cool, we don’t have to worry about those dumb cunts Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon!” Scootaloo licked her lips. “Hell, we could even make them our rape slaves!”
Just kidding. Rape isn’t funny.
Apple Bloom struggled with the package for a few moments, which had a picture of a cool looking camel in shades saying the words “Smoking is the shit!” on the front, before finally ripping it open with her teeth, causing cigarettes to fly everywhere. If only she had let her superior friend Sweetie Belle use her magic to open the box, then this disaster could have been avoided.
Each of the three foals scurried around, sniffing each cigarette individually. It’s how you tell if they’re ripe or not.
“Dammit, Apple Bitch, I think you got us a bum pack!” Scootaloo grunted, sniffing yet another unripe cigarette.
“Wait, no! I’ve found one!” Sweetie Belle said enthusiastically, scoring yet another point for the unicorn master race.
“Ah’ve got one too,” Apple Bloom said, picking one up out of the dirt. Her lips touched the grimy ground, and she felt a bit of excitement. Dirty earth ponies often fornicate with the ground, as is the dirty earth pony way.
“Shit niggas, when are you gonna get me a fag to light up?” Scootaloo said with contemptuous intent. After a few more moments of sniffing, and Sweetie Belle was so kind as to find another ripe cigarette for Scootaloo. Good girl, Sweetie!
“Alright, let’s become cool!”
Sweetie Belle used a spark from her horn to magically ignite the cigarettes, and everypony inhaled deeply. Soon, they were all laying on the ground, coughing and sputtering.
“Oh god, this was a horrible idea!” Sweetie screeched.
“Why did Ah ever think this would be a good idea?” Apple Bloom spluttered as her inferior earth pony lungs began to fail her.
“Fuck you, Apple Bloom!” Scootaloo said with a hack and a wheeze.
But, as the three foals lay there asphyxiating, they suddenly began to feel a tingle deep inside of them. In a flash of golden light, they were overcome with the essence of pure cool, as one does when one smokes cigarettes. If you don’t believe me, try it out for yourself.
Once the golden light had passed, Scootaloo looked down at herself. She was now in possession of a green hoodie, and looked fucking awesome. “Hell yeah, bitch!”
Sweetie Belle looked down at herself too. She was wearing a leather jacket, posses a pair of aviator sunglasses, and was not only adorable but now hardened to the core. “This is so cool!”
It was Apple Bloom’s turn to look down at herself. She was wearing a plaid shirt that were tucked into her shorts, the shorts were way too high, and suspenders that held her pants in place. She wore thick rimmed glasses, and had braces over much larger-than-they-were-before teeth. She also had a fedora placed upon her head. “Swagtastic!”
The three friends hoof-fived.
“Now let’s go fuck those bitches up,” Scootaloo said with an evil grin.
“A-and then...” Diamond Tiara said with a sniffle to Silver Spoon “M-my dad picked up the lamp and yelled ‘THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!’ and beat me in the head with it until I p-passed out...”
“Hey, fucknuggets!” yelled Scootaloo as she descended upon the duo. “Your time of fucking with us is over!”
Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara exchanged looks. “Um, actually, we haven’t even talked to you guys since Oktoberfest, so—”
She was cut off my Scootaloo’s right hook that caught the insidious foal right in the stomach. The silver mare coughed up a bit of blood, then fell to her side.
Sweetie Belle slid over to Diamond Tiara. “No! Please, I’ll do anything! Just don’t—” The filthy earth pony’s already bloody face was beat even bloodier by Sweetie’s glorious swift unicorn punches.
Apple Bloom did her best to contribute, but as a disgusting earth pony her best was not good enough. In an attempt to do a basic buck, she tripped over the fallen Silver Spoon and landed directly on her ugly yellow snout, where her frail and inferior earth pony neck snapped.
Scootaloo, ignoring her fallen comrade, continued to kick Silver Spoon in the stomach, sautéing her internal organs. The evil filly cried for Scoots to stop, but there were no breaks on the Scoot Train.
Sweetie Belle, meanwhile, was punching Diamond Tiara all about the head, neck, and chest. In one final last glorious unicorn finishing move, she lifted the dirty earth pony up with her superior unicorn magic, and bucked her right in the ovaries. Diamond Tiara flew high up into the sky, leaving the atmosphere and sailing through time and space all the way to Earth, where she landed in Hoboken, New Jersey.
However, her travels through time and space did not leave her unchanged. As she had traveled across the cosmos, she had aged backwards, down to the age of a little filly. Her mane, which exposed to cosmic radiation, gained all the colors of the rainbow, and was blasted into a different style. Due to how fucking cold it is in space, her coat turned a light shade of blue. When Diamond Tiara fell into Hoboken, she landed right in a cardboard box, where a small kitten was currently sleeping. The tiny animal died upon impact, but it cushioned Diamond Tiara’s fall.
“Hi there,” came a voice. Diamond Tiara looked up to see some fat guy covered in cheeto dust. “Uh, what are you doing here?”
Diamond Tiara tried to talk, but her mind had also aged backwards. She could not remember how to articulate words.
And so, the fat guy took Tiara home, probably to molest her and cover her with cheeto dust. Also, for some reason he kept calling her “Dashie”.
Back in Equestria, the remaining Cutie Mark Crusaders high-hooved each other. “Alright! We beat the shit outta them!” Scootaloo said with a grin. Neither of them acknowledged the melancholy death of Apple Bloom, instead leaving her body to rot and eventually become dirt, a state of being that suited her dirty earth pony heritage.
Sweetie Belle looked back at her flank and gasped. “Look, we got our cutie marks!”
It was true. The image of a glorious lit cigarette adorned the flank of Sweetie Belle, and the image of what one’s lungs look like after 20 years of smoking adorned Scootaloo’s.
“Let’s celebrate this with more smoking!” shouted Scootaloo in ecstasy.
And so, the two skipped off to enjoy more cigarettes, where they lived out the next three years of their lives being totally fucking awesome before dying of lung cancer. They were chain smokers, what did you expect?
So remember kiddies: You may die in a horrible fashion from smoking, but at least you’ll look cool.
