Man Vs. Equestria (Narrated by Bear Grylls)

by ColoradoBlueJay

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Crossover, Human, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1810

Bear shows you how to survive in Equestria

I'm Bear Grylls, excellent survival expert and I spent thirteen years in the British military. I'm here on a new show ever since I was fired from the discovery channel for drinking too much piss and shoving turtle blood up my ass. So it is my sole duty to randomly jump from a plane or helicopter and teach you the ways of Man V. Equestria.
"Remember share with your friends and don't forget to hit that like button."- Bear Grylls

A short story one shot fic.

Published 2013-07-12 07:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-29 05:14:10 UTC

The Everfree Forest

Man Vs. Equestria

Bear Grylls woke up in a hot sticky sweat. He looked around seeing that he was in a helicopter. The blades thumped as they flew over a dark forest. Bear opened the hatch and leaned out scanning for a good drop zone.

"There!" Bear shouted pointing at a small clearing. The pilot nodded and changed coarse and set the helicopter to a hover. Bear looked at the camera man inside the helicopter.

"Hi I'm Bear Grylls. I started a new t.v. show after I was fired from the discovery channel. Welcome to man versus equestria." With that said Bear jumped out of the helicopter doing a back flip and the camera man followed.

Wind whipped against Bear's High Serria wind breaker jacket. The forest ground loomed closer. At last second Bear pulled his chute and did a somer sault on the forest bed. Bear wiped the pine cones and pine needles of his persona and looked around the small clearing.

"Okay so once you touch down in a random place you want to use your parachute for a marker so otherjs may find you." Bear then proceded to pick up large rockes and placed them on the parachute.

"It is esential that you check for whatever equipment you have." Bear took of his back pack and rumeged through it. He pulled out two flares, a pocket knife and a granola bar.

"Once you have everything you need," Bear said putting his stuff away. "You start to move."

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Bear treked through the forest stepping on every branch he could find.

"It said in history books that ancient ponies of this land stepped and crushed on every twig that they could find in order to keep wild animals away and mark their territory." Bear still continues his trek through the wilderness looking around at the many dfferent speicies of plant life glooming with life. Bear stopped dead in his tracks when he saw a small red flower in the middle of a random path. Bear got eye level with the flower. The camera dropped so the veiwers could see his face.

"This here is a blood flower, this flower is very dangerous. So whatever you do, do not touch it." Bear then proceded to grab one of the broken twigs he stepped on just before and gently touched the flower. Bear retracted his hand quickly once the flower swollowed the twig hole. It then let out a satisfying belch and seemed to give a flower like smile.

"Ancient buffalo used to collect these deadly flowers and use them for medicine. Many rituals were held for the sake of the flower. I will now complete this ritual by taking the flower and using it for my own purposes." Bears then reached down with his pocket knife and plucked the flower from the root. Bear then shoved it into his pocket and continued on with his journey.

Bear stopped by a mossy rock and took off his back pack and looked up at the sun.

"The sun is almost set, we need to make a camp for the night." Bear then started gathering logs and fallen branches. He then started to make a shelter against the mossy rock.

"It is very important when making a shelter to make sure it is on flet ground." He said pointing at the grass free ground. "Plus don't forget to piss around your camp so no wild indeginous creatures come about." When he was done setting up his shelter he then Made a blazing fire from a few of his camera man's matches and sat down munching on the granola bar.

"Now we can't survive forever on granola bars." He said finishing off the rest of his food. "Tomorrow we hunt for some of the everfree's wild animals."

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Bear sat on the baren ground of dark soil and hacked away at a sturdy long stick and sharpened it's tip. Once finished he started to wrap a nylon cord around the area where he would have his hands. He inspected it and headed deeper into the woods. Bear traveled in a halfway crouch as if he was stalking prey. Of to the left of Bear a bush rustled. Without hesitation Bear threw his wooden spear at the bush. Bear hit his mark when he heard a squeel of a small critter. Bear walked over to the bush and pulled out the spear. On it was a cockitrice.

"As you can see I caught a rare but deadly creature. It is called a-" Bear was interupted when the cockitrice reared back and hissed at Bear. Bear pulled out his pocket knife in flash and stabbed the abomination in the throught. With a dying breath the cockitrice spit a green bile ball at him. It missed and the cockitrice died. Bear stuffed the foul creature in his back pack and moved on with his spear in tow.

Bear found himself at a cliff water fall and peered over the edge.

"Alright I have found myself by a water fall and I need to get down there. Ijm going to attempt a base jump and cuddle myself up in a ball and make it down there." Bears then jumped off the side of the ciff and did exactly as he said to do.

"Ancient ponies used to jump off cliffs as an acceptance ritual. I would have just completed it and lived amongst them." Bear swam to shore and shivered in his wet clothes.

"That water was freezing c-c-cold, so you want to strip down to your skivees." Bear pulled off his clothing with strugglee and put them on a nearby low hanging tree branch He soon made a fire, once again with the help of his camera man's matches he now was drying his clothes.

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The sun was setting fast agin as Bear Grylls was setting up his temporary camp site. Hours passed through the night and Bear was sitting next to his fire keeping it going. A sudden growl came from a nearby bush. Bear grabbed his spear and held it at the ready. A large timber wolf entered Bear's campsite and growled at the trained survivor.

"Ah to hell with it." Bear then threw the spear at the timber wolf instantly killing it. "You see," Bear said pointing at the base of the neck on the timber wolf's body. "Funny thing about these timber wolves is that you are able to drink from them." Bear then proceeded to open the wolf's chest cavity and out came rushing water. "Like most plants, they need water to survive, well the timber wolf here has it's own life supply of fresh water. It may be the equalivilant to blood, but to me it's water." Bear then picked up part of the chest and used it as a bowl then used it to drink the water.

The rest of the night was uneventful. It was early morning now and the sun barley peeked over the mountain top. Fortunatly Bear was already treking through the forest once more. He kept walking till he found a structure. A structure that was heavily damaged and show obvious signs that it was old. Bear theen took a small rest on the footsteps and pulled the dead cockitrice out of his back pack. He then proceeded to cut the cockitrice into pieces and piled them in a nice neat pile.

"I'm going to use the cockitrice's remains for bait and we will see if it attracts something." Bear then strew out the remains across the ground and waited. In a few short hours of waiting a large creature stumbled out into the clearing. A manticore sniffed Bear's bait and started to eat it. Bear then leapt out of his stone hiding place towards the manticore. Bear let out a battle cry and the manticore roared.

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Bear stood over his kill with a sence of pride upon his face. Small strips of smoke came out of a hole on the manticore's head.

"That was a bloody close one." Bear then started to skin "his" kill. "In ancient tradition natives used to skin manticore, and use it's hide for clothing. Lucky for me I don't need any more clothing." Once Bear was done collecting meat off the Manticore he started to make a fire to prepare his manticore meat and have it for a late breakfast.

Bear chewed on the meat in silence. "The meat is a bit tough, but in survival situations I wouldn't be complaining." Bear finished off his brunch and packed up his tools and headed towards a nearby bridge. Since it was destroyed Bear took of his back pack once more and pulled out a grappling hook and rope. "I was lucky to find this rope out here, because other wise I just not make it across." Bear then swung the hook across the small canyon. It missed. Bear then had to real it back in and try again. He threw it once more and it missed again. He tried for a third time and this time it hit it's mark. Bear tugged on the line to make sure it was secure.

Bear tied his best knot to the bridges post and began his way across. Halfway over thee rope began to loosen on the post's end. Bear began to cross faster. Then it snapped. Bear was left dangleing above the canyon below. He started to make his ascent before his weight snapped the hook's end as well. Soon enough Bear had his hands on the ground and pulled himself up. He retrieved his rope and looked around. Next to him was a trail that led deeper into the forest. He began his walk once more.

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Bear was on the trail for twenty two minutees until he reached a wide open space. In the distance not to far away sat a small town. Bear then began to run across the meadow towards the small town. The camera bobbed up and down as the camera man tried to keep up with Bear Grylls.

"NEXT TIME ON MAN Vs. EQUESTRIA!" The announcer announced as soon as Bear had reached his destination. "Bear Grylls will teach you how to survive in the Appleloosa desert."

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Bear Grylls sat down at a park bench with his camera man sitting across from him. The small town seemed virtually empty. Soon enough a lavender unicorn trotted up to Bear and sat down next to him.

"Mister Grylls I'm sorry to tell you this but princess Celestia has cancelled your show." Twilight said with sorrow.

"Bloody frolocks!" Bear spat.

THE END