The Fantastically Mediocre Adventures Of Orion

by NLRscout

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Human, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 4202

A regular person wishes for more excitment and gets more than he bargined for

The life of ordinary collage worker Orion is flipped upside down as an ordinary wish for more excitment in an otherwise boring life brings unexpected results that destroys his perception on 'More Excitement'.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-10 09:06:49 UTC

Prologue

The day started out like any other in the life of a mediocre desk jockey for a collage. Get up. Take a shower. Eat breakfast, and wait for the car pool. It in its self seemed boring, but for Orion, it meant security. Security in the fact that he still had a job, that he could afford his rent and that he could still care for his budding family.

          His family consisted of him and his VERY pregnant wife. They met at a Motocross race Orion happened to be participating in, only not in the way you probably think. Orion's wife, Melissa, was the nurse on the life flight helicopter. If not for her, he'd probably be dead, because you don't usually survive internal bleeding and severe brain trauma. Lucky for him, he didn't suffer any lasting effects other than a slight twitch whenever he was nervous.

            An alarm rang out against the stillness of morning signifying the start of the day. Orion groggily rubbed the sleep from his eyes and reached for the source of the demonic sounds keeping him from his slumber and switched it off. Letting out a large yawn, he slipped his feet over the side of the bed he was on and stood up, lumbering towards the small bathroom he shared with his with wife.

             As he entered the humble washroom, he thought to himself, 'Man I need a bigger house, this place sucks ass.' He then put his hands on the nozzle that regulates the water flow for the facet in the tub, turning the hot all the way up and the cold just a little he waited until the water heated up to test it. It was perfect. With as much practice as he has with this particular facet it isn't surprising. Turning around and shutting the door, he then started to undress. before long he was out of his pj's and into the showers warm embrace. He washed himself clean of all of the previous night's activities, he contemplated how his life could have gone.

             He could have been famous and successful is Melissa hadn't made him quit racing. It was his passion, his life, his blood, sweat and tears, and she took it from him. But he couldn't blame just her, it had been his fault as well. If he hadn't of been as reckless as he was, he wouldn't have wrecked, he wouldn't have lost, he wouldn't have almost died. But, he also wouldn't have met the love of his life. It was a doubled edged sword, but he was happy with the life he had made for himself. Too bad good things all end.

             After he made his way out of the shower, dried off and put on his work clothes, he walked up to his bed, where his wife lay sleeping. He looked at the sweet features of her face, her hair, her perfect little dimples and her cute little nose. He glanced down and saw her belly bump, holding what would soon be his own child. Boy or girl didn't matter to him, what did matter is that he would be in its life like a good father should. Unlike his. He grew up around his father until he was four years old, but then a fateful day in march signaled dad wasn't coming home. He knew it wasn't his father's fault but still felt underlying anger that his father abandoned him, his sister and made a widow out of his mother. He promised himself that he would do all he could to be in the child's life. Kissing his wife on the cheek, he tucked her in and made his way to the kitchen.

                While in the kitchen, Orion rummaged through the fridge looking for any kind of food that he could eat on the go, as his carpool would be to his home shortly. He lucked out and found a couple of nice looking oranges. He walked to his cabinet that held the silverware and picked out a knife. Pressing the knife against the orange he slowly made his way all the way around the fruit. Once satisfied about his cut, he began to peel away at the outer-layer protecting his delicious orange food. After removing all the peel and discarding it into his garbage can, he slowly bit into the fruit. Relishing the taste of vitamin C, he swallowed and went in for another bite. As he went to peel the next one, a horn sounded outside. Orion set down the knife and fruit and sighed. Hurrying to his front door, he once over'd himself to make sure he didn't have orange peel or something on him. Once his inspection was done, he opened the door and walked into the morning air.

                  The ride in the carpool was anything but eventful. Everyone was quiet except for Dan, who just wouldn't shut the fuck up. As they drove down the highway Orion looked out of the window, daydreaming away and trying to block out the annoyance in the driver seat. Dan. Dan was the kind of person that would chew your ear off, glue it back on and chew it off again. He was Orion's least favorite person in the office and definitely the loudest, most obnoxious person who knew outside of work. The worst part of it is that he would only talk about himself, Orion probably wouldn't hate him as much if he asked questions about other people, or interrupt you in the middle of telling someone something to one up you. Yep, Dan was being 'That Guy'. The other people in the car were John, Isaac, and Greg. Good old Greg, never mean to anyone, kept to himself, and always gets his work done. John and Isaac though, those two are trouble makers. They were both fresh out of high school when they started working at the collage, you'd think two graduates working in a collage would have their lives together right? Wrong. They are both on parole for the same thing. Breaking and entering. Although it was Dan's house, which is kind of funny Orion still didn't trust them fully. But they couldn't care less and in truth they did get their jobs done so he couldn't say they weren't good workers, just a little shady.

                   The ride to the collage couldn't have gotten any longer, the Highway was so congested that it was bumper to bumper for an hour. Progress was slow so Orion decided to rest his eyes. During his power nap, Orion dreamed about his life and how boring his routine had gotten, and he did something he hadn't in a long time. He wished. He wished that something exciting would happen and take him away from his life of mediocrity if only for a while. An escape from reality. He immediately regretted his wish. With a terrifying groan of metal bending and the sound of glass breaking he woke, for only a moment before he was plunged into darkness.

    The next image that greeted Orion was that of extreme color and brightness, at first he thought it was a hospital room, like he'd expect from getting into a car crash. Upon his eyes adjusting and losing his temporary vertigo, he lifted his head up to see that he was in a field. He wondered if he had been ejected from the car and landed in a grass pasture. He looked at himself to see that he had no cuts or injuries expected from be ejected from a moving car. Orion slowly stood up on shaky legs to take in his surroundings; an small grass field surrounded by rows and rows of what looked like apple trees. No highway in sight but it looked like there was a barn off passed all the apple trees. If he had any chance at trying to find civilization, the barn was his best guess as there was nothing else he could see that looked like it could help him. He just hoped that it wasn't run by a psychotic murderer who kept their mothers rotting corpse in the attic. He started his walk to the barn, silently cursing and pang of pain in his left ankle he didn't know was there until he started walking.

      "At least now I'm conscious," Orion mused to himself quietly. He didn't hear the light stepping sound behind him as his soon to be assailant ninja'd its way toward him.

         ~WHACK~

      Orion's vision blurred and his head whirling, meeting the grounds not so comfortable embrace for the second time that day, he found himself unconscious.

The weirdest of an odd situation

As Orion came out of his unconsensual slumber, his head throbbing like someone kicked him in the back of the face. Taking in his surroundings he deduced that he was in the barn that he had been walking too. This could be good or bad depending who knocked him out, why, and how he was going to get the hell out of there. He tryed to rub his head but found he was bound around his wrist and ankles, with his hands behind his back. Naturally he started flailing about like an epileptic in a small room with a strobe light and screaming like a child who was just offered candy by a balding man in his forties driving a windowless van.

        "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!!" Orion kept this yelling up for about forty-five seconds, Until the main barn door opened and revealed a shadowed figure. Running in the figure became clearer, it appeared to be,

        "A pony? What the hell?" Orion started to relax knowing that it was just an animal and not some cleaver weilding pysociopath with a blood lust.

        "At least I don't have to worry about the stupid animal killing me." Orion's dumb attempt at making a joke at the ponies expense didn't appear to go over well with it, and it promply started running towards him.

        "WaitWaitWait!"I was all Orion got out before being trampled by the enraged equine.

        "Ah am not a stupid animal ya varmit!" Proclamed the pony. Dumbfounded from the animal speaking and the asswhooping he had just received (mostly the asswhooping), he spoke his next words very carefully as not to spite the crazy ass talking pony who he had just noticed was a dull orange and had a straw colored mane, she was also rocking a Stetson.

        "Bu-how-wher-THISDOESN'TMAKESENSE!" Ok, maybe he just spewed whatever came to his mind but it didn't seem to anger the technicolor pony, at least not anymore then she (he was pretty sure) was already and she thankfully had a more thought out question then him.

        "What are ya?" Not knowing how to respond to the question he wanted to ask her but his mind was too fucked up at the time due multiple hits to the head and loss of consciousness. More times then he could count at the moment, which was probably a bad sign.

        "Uh... I'm a human. What the everloving hell are you?" Orion so eloquently put to which the female miniature horse replied,

        "Ah'm a pony, ya know, the main inhabitant of equestria?" Orion had no idea what the hell this talking pony was going on about equestria. They were on earth. Unless he was on his way to hell and something terrible happened.

        "I think you mean earth, we're on earth aren't we?" He had no idea if he was being pranked or trolled by his two delinquent co-workers, but this all seemed to real to be a prank and even if it was it couldn't have been Isaac and John, those two wouldn't put this much thought into anything like this. Would they? Orion wasn't about to throw any idea off of the table, especially if there was a talking technicolor horse talking to him. He hoped that John and or Isaac just gave him shrooms when he wasn't looking and he was in a crack house talking to a deranged homeless person who thought they we're southern. And a pony. Anything was better then his reality being reality.

        "No Ah mean what Ah said, we're in equestria on planet equis. Are you trying to tell me yer an alien?" Oh this is bad Orion thought, if she's serious I'm either dead or have been transported here by some godly force. Orion thought both of those seemed ludicrous but the death one seemed less far fetched than being transported here by some unknown force. Forced with the two worst realities he took the lesser and hoped he was still alive and that there was a chance he could get back to his wife and unborn child.

        "I guess so. I want to ask you though, Why did you knock me unconscious?!?!" The orange cowpony recoiled and the statement Orion had just shouted at her.

        "Ah am mighty sorry 'bout that, you scared me is all. Put yerself in mah hooves, imagine some scary creature you've never seen before is lumbering through yer property. It would scare you too huh?" She had a good point, and she was apologetic.. though Orion thought that he might milk it a little bit to see if he could make her feel worse about it, because lets face it, if you were knocked out by some random talking pony would you be quick to fogive? Or would you stew in your own bitterness for a minute before realizing that they're to damn adorable to stay mad at.

        "I don't know if I should trust someones apology who hit me in the back of the head hard enough for me to lose consciousness For a good couple minutes and possibly causing irreversible brain damage." Orion dead panned like the asshole he could be sometimes.

        "Look, Ah already said Ah'm sorry! What else could you want from me?!" The poor downtrodden mare was starting to make Orion depressed so he quickly replied,

        "Your name would be nice." Orion said with a small grin. The orange pony looked shocked, shook her head and quickly said,

        "Mah name's Applejack," She said proudly as she stuck one of her forehooves out as to give Orion a handshake, to which Orion just gave her a dead panned look and motioned to his hands, which were still bound behind his back. "Oh, heh heh. Sorry 'bout that, Ah plum forgot." She said as she untied Orion from his impromptu prison.

        "Thanks,"Orion said as he flexed his wrist back and forth, pleased to have movement of his hand back. "Now that I can use my hands," he said as he reached out a hand to meet Applejacks hoof," My name is Orion, its to bad we didn't meet under better circumstances."

        "What do ya mean?" Applejack inquired. Intsead of replying, Orion took off running outside the barn and started sprinting in what he though was the most appropriate direction, which was any at this point. Whilst making his escape from his crazy red neck captor, he could he her yelling behind him such cliché'd things like, Get back here!, Stop before I hurt you, and his personal favorite, Don't make me get mah rope! Which made him ran twice as fast, the thought of her with a rope terrified him to no end, but why he had no idea. While running for his life, he quickly realized something, he was REALLY out of shape! Through heaving breaths and leg cramps he pressed on. Until he tripped and face planted into a pile of what he HOPED was mud.

Cruel fate transpires against the righteous

"But I don't WANNA go back! Its dark and scary and your mean to me!" Orion whined like a 5 year old throwing a temper tantrum.

        "You have'ta come back with me until Twilight gets here, Ah told her earlier that Ah had something she might want to see and ya can't leave until she sees ya!" Applejack said. She was literally dragging him behind her with her rope, giving him quite a view of her nether regions.

        "OH JESUS CHRIST!"Orion yelled, once realizing that her had a full view of her backside, not something he enjoyed.

        "Whats wrong Orion? Am Ah pulling to hard or somethin'? Applejack innocently replied.

        "Oh nothing other than the fact that I have a perfect view of your ass which I don't really appreciate." He said casually, but inside he was blushing and hoping that if there were other sentient ponies, they had the decency to wear clothes in public. Applejack came to a quick stop and rushed to put her tail between her legs. She looked extremely embarrassed.

        "What are ya doin' looking at mah ass anyhow?!" Applejack yelled accusingly. Orion just shugged and said,

        "I don't know but being dragged directly behind you has NOTHING to do with it, I promise." He said sarcasm dripping from his statement.

        "Well if you could be trusted, Ah wouldn't have'ta drag you back ta mah barn now would ah?"

        "A fair point, but I did what anyone in my situation would do, I trusted my fight or flight instinct and I chose to run. In hindsight that probably wasn't the smartest thing to do,  but I definitely wasn't about to fight you. I'm kind of a pacifist to things that would kick the everlovin' shit outta me like you probably would've." He pointed out.

        "Yeah, Ah probably could have pummeled you into the dirt. Well were back, so let's just wait utnil Twilight gets here." Orion, not being in the right position to argue just sounded an affirmative grunt. So they waited. And waited. And waited until it seemed to be getting dark. Just as Orion started dozing off, the barn door creaked open and another pony appeared. This one looked to be lavender, with dark purple hair that had two streaks in it, one a light shade of pink the other violet. Orion assumed this one was Twilight.

        "Thanks fer showin' up Twi, this here is what Ah was tellin' you about." Explained Applejack.

        "No problem Applejack, anything to help a friend. Now, where did you say you found it?" Twilight asked.

        "Ah reckon its a boy, from the way he talks and his name. I found him wandering around in mah field when I was bucking apples today." Orion was already getting sick of their back and forth about him, acting like he was a science experiment. It was infuriating but he thought keeping quiet until one of them asked him a question would be in his best interests. But when they did... hoo boy was he gonna let them have it.

        "Wait, did you say it could talk?" Twilight inquired.

        "He, and yeah Ah did." Applejack corrected.

        "This is amazing! A new sentient species discovered here in Ponyville! I have to tell the princess about this, she will no doubt be happy to hear of our discovery!"

        "Woah, slow down Twi, don'tcha think that you should take some notes or somethin' on him before you go run off willy nilly?" Applejack said. Orion thought awful thoughts about the orange mare throwing him under the bus like that was a deplorable act and he would punish her for it. Nothing crazy though, probably just prank her or something.

        "Your right! -Eeeee! I'm so excited! Applejack, could you leave us alone for a while so I can question him?" Twilight innocently asked. Orion felt like the next hour would be filled with all sorts of stupid questions he didn't know the answer to.

        "Sure thing Twi, don't be too rough on him, oh by the way, he thinks he's from a different planet." Applejack whispered that last part to Twilight, but Orion still over heard.  Twilight just nodded and motioned for Applejack to leave the room. As Applejack left, Twilight tured to face Orion, but Orion refused to meet her gaze, indignantly looking at the ceiling.

        "Ok your going to be that way huh? Thats fine, if you refuse to answer my questions I could always just call Princess Celestia and have her deal with you, and I promise she won't be as nice as me. Especially when I tell her that you could be aggressive." Twilight threatened. But Twilights threats fell on deaf ears as Orion continued to ignore her. "Well, I'll try the easy way but if you keep ignoring me I'll be forced to to use.. well I guess force." This however, got Orion's attention, he did not want another confrontation with these ponies, especially when the one in front of him had a ... horn? How did he not notice that earlier. Either way, wanting to keep confrontations to a minimum, Orion's eyes slowly fell from the ceiling to the purple pony. Twilight took notice and nodded.  Taking a notepad from nowhere and a quill from her invisible pocket, the sat down and readied herself for her questions. "So Applejack says you're a male, can you con"firm that?"

        "Yes I'm a male, what are you?" Orion ignorantly replied, but twilight seemed to either not care or notice and went on with the next question.

        "How old are you?" Twilight asked.

        "26, why does that matter?" Instead of responding to his question she continued on with hers.

        "What is your species called?" Orion quickly replied,

        "Homo-sapien, bipedel hairless apes, but we usually prefer human." Twilight scribbled down on her notepad and proceeded to the next question. This process seemed to drag on for hours until she asked the question he knew was coming.

        "What planet are you from?" Orion prepared for this question so he knew exactly what to say.

        "United States of America, on the North American continent, on planet Earth, in the Milky Way Galaxy." He stated with practiced ease. Instead of reacting the way he thought she would, she did the exact opposite, and did nothing. It kind of scared him.

        "Well I have all the information I need from you, thanks for being so cooperative..?" She left the question open as to ask for his name to which he replied,

        "Orion, I know your name and you've been interrogating me for the past 3 hours or so, so introductions are unnecessary." Twilight looked a little hurt at Orion's harsh words but knew his words held truth.

        "I'm sorry I had Applejack basicly hold you hostage, but I wasn't sure if you were aggressive or not. I couldn't risk it."

        "So instead of coming up to me and asking me if I was hostile or not you just bound me, threw me into an impromptu prison, and kept me here until you could interrogate me? I honestly can't say I'd do anything different."

        "I'm still sorry, but hey look on the bright side! Now you get to meet Princess Celestia and she won't have any reason to be angry with you!" This is going to be a LONG ass night Orion thought as he rolled his eyes and fell backwards.

Suddenly a new chapter appears!

The next few hours were excruciatingly boring. Just sitting around awkwardly in a small barn next to a freaking unicorn waiting for some princess's pompous ass to get there and talk to Orion and hopefully send him home so he could forget about this weird world of technicolor miniature horses. In an attempt to pass the time, Twilight, tried starting small talk with Orion, but he would have none of it. About 4 hours later, Mrs. Pompous ass "I'm to good for public transport" Princess horse lady showed up.

         "Princess Celestia! Oh I'm so glad you're here! This is what I sent you a letter about." Twilight said, pointing a hoof in Orion's direction. Now that she was in full view, Princess Celestia looked a lot more intimidating than her title said. She was much larger than the other two ponies you saw and was pure white with a prismatic mane that swayed in a wind that wasn't there. She also had a horn AND wings! The way she looked at Orion made him want to crap his pants and hug her at the same time, she oozed regality, wisdom, and confidence. At the same time though she had a motherly look to her and a soft caring smile adorned her face.

         "I see why you've called me here Twilight, this certainly is an interesting find you have." Celestia said to her student.

         "I'm not really a find, I'm kind of a sentient being and would prefer if everyone stopped viewing me as a science experiment." Orion said

         "My apologies creature, I am Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria along side my dear sister Luna. Might I inquire what you are doing here in Equestria? More specifically Ponyville?" Celestia asked in honest curiosity.

         "I was hoping you would have the answer to that one Princess, I have no idea how I ended up here nor where I am in relation to where I was. Oh and by the way my name is Orion, nice to meet someone with some civility." Orion replied.