The Manly Man Way

Disclaimer: I do not own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, or the secret of true manliness… then again, who really does?

The Manly Man Way

By GWFan (The Softcore Brony)

“What exactly is it?” Pipsqueak asked, staring at the contraption before him.

Scootaloo stood proudly in front of the strange thing and addressed Pip as if displaying it.  “This is a giant slingshot.”  The slingshot was actually constructed mainly out of a tree that had fallen over after a lightning strike two nights before.

“Is that what we were buildin’?  I thought it was goin’ to be somethin’ for our cutie marks,” Apple Bloom said, wondering why Scootaloo had deemed to build the slingshot.

“It is for our cutie marks,” Scootaloo said, jumping on top of the tree.  The tree was bear of all limbs, resembling little more than a log, all signs that it had ever been a tree removed, save for the pile of branches and old apples that littered the ground nearby.

“Where did you get the giant rubber band?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“It’s not a rubber band, it’s a giant piece of old taffy that I borrowed from the candy shop.”  The taffy was so old that it virtually turned to rubber, acting as the perfect component to Scootaloo’s slingshot.  After tying it to two tree stumps, they had spent several minutes pulling it until they had stretched it over the back of the fallen tree and secured it with a rope.  They had spent almost an hour sawing off the front of the tree so they could use it to prop up their ammo and angle it upwards.  All they needed to do now was cut the rope and the tree would fly.

“So… why exactly are we doin’ this again?” Apple Bloom asked, climbing onto the back of the tree behind Scootaloo and securing her helmet.

“I told you, we’re going to get our cutie marks.”

“What kind of cutie marks?” Sweetie Belle asked, jumping behind Apple Bloom.

“I don’t know, but they’re going to be really cool ones.  Ready Pip?”

Pipsqueak stood with a big axe in his mouth, or at least he tried to.  The axe was taller than he was and he was only strong enough to drag it.  “So… you want me to cut this?” he asked around a mouthful of the axe handle.

“Yep.  Let her rip, Pip!  Fire!”  Scootaloo pointed into the wild blue yonder and braced herself for the launch.  Several moments passed before she looked back at her younger friend.  “Pip, I said fire!”

“I’m trying…”  Pip struggled to raise the axe to swing it, but to no avail.  Instead, he picked up the head of the axe with his hooves and started sawing at the rope with the blade.

Scootaloo facehoofed.  “Come on, Pip.  Be a stallion and put some muscle into it.”

“But I’m not a stallion.  I’m just a little kid!” Pip whined.

“Great.  I had to ask the one colt around here who doesn’t know how to be tough.  At least try to act like a manly stallion.”  Scootaloo sulked and laid her head on the tree.

“Hey Scoot, are we goin’ to land on some mattresses or somethin’?” Apple Bloom suddenly asked.

“Huh?”

“I’m askin’ where we’re goin’ to land.”

“Uh…”  Scootaloo thought a moment and shrugged.  “I don’t know.  I didn’t really get that far.”

“What!?” Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle squealed.

“I think I almost got it,” Pip said as the last strands of the rope started to unravel.

“No, Pip!  Wait!” Apple Bloom yelled, but the axe fell through and the rope snapped.  In seconds, three screaming Crusaders were sailing in the air, riding a flying tree to who knows where.

“Wow.  That really flew,” Pip exclaimed as he shaded his face with his hoof.

He almost thought he heard Sweetie Belle scream, “We’re gonna die!” as he watched the three fillies turn into a speck in the distance.

Pip stood there for a few moments before he realized there was little else for him to do.  His friends were who knows where now, leaving Pip all alone.  He figured he might as well leave.  Still, there was one thing that bothered him.  What did being a stallion have to do with being strong?  He certainly admired many of the stallions around Ponyville, some of whom were really cool.  Scootaloo seemed to think it was important to be cool like Rainbow Dash, but Rainbow was not a stallion.  What were colts like him supposed to become?  What exactly did it mean to be a stallion?  And a manly one at that or whatever Scootaloo had said he was supposed to be.

As long as he was still on the Sweet Apple Acres farm, there was at least one stallion around whom he could ask.  During this time of day, the members of the Apple family were often out in their apple orchards either caring for or bucking apples.  Perhaps the one stallion of the family, Apple Bloom’s older brother Big Macintosh, was out there somewhere.

Pip was in the south field where the Cutie Mark Crusaders had deemed they wouldn’t be disturbed in their quest for their cutie marks.  Perhaps he should try the north field.  The only problem was that Pip didn’t know how to tell directions very well.  He knew that the sun rose in the east and set in the west, but the sun was directly overhead at the moment.  Which way was north then?  There were orchards everywhere and any of them could be the north field.  What to do?  Exactly what logic dictated for this kind of situation: flip a coin!

Pip happened to have one bit left from his two bit a week allowance, so he pulled it out.  Heads he went this way and tails he went that way.  As for the other two directions… well they were probably wrong… probably…

He flipped the coin in the air… and the wind chose that moment to pick up and send his coin sailing.  It landed sideways and started rolling away.  Of course that would have to happen when he needed to make a crucial decision.

Pip chased after it, surprised the coin was rolling so far and so fast, he was barely keeping up with it.  The only thing he was certain of was that this wasn’t manly or stalliony.

Headache.  Horrible, horrible headache.  Rarity opened her eyes, but she couldn’t see much.  The last thing she remembered was working on a new line of dresses she intended to present to Hoity Toity personally later that day.  She wasn’t sure what had happened after that though.  Everything had just sort of gone dark.  She did remember hearing something loud before that.

She rubbed her head and slowly picked herself off the floor trying to figure out what had just happened.  Had she been attacked?  Had the world just ended?  Was she the only pony left?  Did spas still exist?  Her mind raced through all the things she might need in her new post-apocalyptic world when she finally noticed the tree.

The world was still intact and ponykind would go on, but why was there a tree in front of her?  She could have sworn she was inside.  On top of that, why were there three fillies looking at her?  “Um… hi, sis,” one of them said.  “Surprise?”

Rarity looked around.  She was still inside.  And her designs…

Rarity couldn’t stop it.  She screamed a long and loud wail as she stared at the tree that had crashed into her boutique.  How the three fillies sitting in her workroom had managed to get it there, she had no idea and didn’t really care.  All she knew was that it had happened and all of her work had been crushed under wood and rubble.

“You were wrong, Sweetie Belle,” Apple Bloom told her friend.  “Now we’re gonna die.”  Sweetie and Scootaloo silently nodded in agreement as Rarity’s scream slowly altered to one of rage before she fell over and fainted.

Pip had lost his coin.  After it rolled over a hill, it had disappeared.  The young colt had continued in the direction it had rolled, but his search was turning out to be futile.  On top of that he was kind of lost now.  He had no idea the Apples owned so many apple trees.  How just two ponies managed to harvest them all was staggering.  Pip had no experience working on a farm, but he imagined it must be a lot of work.

Pip looked at the sun, which was still almost directly overhead.  He had no coin to choose a direction and he didn’t hear anything going on around him either.  Weren’t Big Macintosh and Applejack bucking apples somewhere today?  Why was it so quiet?

Still walking in the same direction, Pip was surprised to come across a lone barrel sitting in a cart.  Why it was there he had no idea, but he remembered reading in a story about a pony who had been lost and found her way by getting a view from a high place.  Pip couldn’t climb trees so maybe this barrel was the next best thing.  Unfortunately, he couldn’t jump very well either, and when he tried to leap up onto the side of the cart, he just managed to get his front half over the side.  Also unfortunately, whoever had left the cart there forgot to put anything in front of the wheels, because it started to roll forward.  Pip just managed to pull himself inside when the cart picked up speed.  Why did the orchards have so many hills in them?  Pip screamed as the cart hurdled down a dirt path, jumped over a strangely smooth rock and sent the young colt and barrel flying.  Pip and the barrel slammed into the side of something and dropped to the ground.  If anyone had been watching, that probably wouldn’t have looked very manly either.

After his eyes finally focused, Pip realized he was staring at what looked like a green apple-half with a red background.

“You all right?” a very deep voice asked him.

Pip shook the stars out of his eyes and looked up at the enormous red stallion he had crashed into.  “Big Macintosh?”

“Eeyup.”

What luck!  Big Macintosh picked up Pip and set him upright, much to the giddy colt’s delight.  The barrel was all but destroyed, but Big Mac was the biggest stallion in Ponyville and didn’t seem the least bit phased.  He must be the manliest stallion in town.  Smiling from ear to ear, Pip asked his question.  “Do you know what it means to be a manly stallion?”

“A stallion, huh?”  Big Macintosh scratched his chin for a moment, nodded his head, and motioned for Pip to follow him.  He led Pip out of the orchards and close to the farmhouse where the Apple family grew food besides apples.  Stalks of corn not quite ready for harvesting laid out in neat rows before Pip’s eyes and he almost ran into Big Macintosh when the large red pony came to a sudden stop.

Moving around a large metal object, Macintosh put a hoof on it.  “Pull the plow.”  The plow sat in fresh untouched dirt.  Apparently, the Apple’s were planning to expand on their other markets.

“Okay.  Then what?”

“Pull the plow,” Macintosh repeated.

“That’s it?”

“Eeyup.”

“That’s what it takes to be a manly stallion?”

Macintosh nodded and held up the harness for Pip to slip into.  It was far too large for the little colt and he couldn’t even lift his head high enough to keep the harness from sitting on the dirt.  Big Macintosh motioned for him to start, so Pip pulled.  And he pulled… and he pulled… and he pulled…

“You okay there?” Macintosh asked.

“Y-yeah… I’m good…”  Pip pulled some more but he still couldn’t make the plow budge.  Between the sharp piece of metal and the harness that dug into the earth, Pip was practically glued to the spot.

“Mmmmmm…”  After a few more moments of unsuccessful pulling, Big Macintosh turned and started walking back into the orchards.  “Just tell me when you’re done.”  And he was gone, leaving Pip to hopelessly pull on the heavy plow.

Ten minutes passed and still Pip didn’t give up.  He probably should have, beings as the plow weighed more than he did, but he stubbornly kept at it.  If this was the secret to being a truly manly stallion, then this was what he had to do.

“Uh… what are you doing?”

Pip looked up from his non-work to see a sandy yellow colored earth pony standing over him.  The pony looked rather inquisitive, either that or he just had a naturally dopy expression.

“Um… pulling the plow?”

“Where?”

“I don’t know.  I’m just pulling it.”

“Okay… uh…”  Pip could see the pony’s eyes shift upwards and then back and forth.  “What did I come here for again?  Corn?  Something to do with a red fruit… or was it a pink one… I’m pretty sure it was blue…”

Pip didn’t know who this rather confused pony was but there was one thing he knew about him.  He was a stallion!  He wasn’t getting anywhere with the plow anyway.

“Excuse me Mister, but do you know what it means to be a manly stallion?”

The pony came out of his thoughts and looked at Pip as if he had forgotten he was there.  “What?  A stallion?  Sure I do.  I happen to be a stallion… I think… Yeah, I’m a stallion.”  He smiled.

“Could you teach me how to be one?”

“Uh… sure, I guess.  Um… who did you say you were again?  The Great and Powerful Trixie?”

“No, I’m Pipsqueak, but my friends call me Pip.”

The sandy colored stallion scrunched his face and blinked a few times.  “No, no, no, don’t try to confuse me.  Which one are you?  Just tell me one name.”

“Um… I’m Pip?”

“Nice to meet you, Pip.  I’m… uh… Caramel!  Yeah, I’m Caramel, Trix… er… Pip.”  Caramel smiled for a moment and then stared at nothing.  “Trixie… where have I heard that name before?”  Caramel blinked and looked at Pip again.  “I’m sorry, what was your question again?”

Pip drooped.  “Can you teach me to be a manly stallion?”

“Sure!  I can do that or my name’s not Bob.”

“But I thought your name was Caramel?”

“Of course it is.  What else would it be?”  Pip wasn’t sure what to say.  Caramel wasn’t making a lot of sense.  Were all adults this confusing to understand?  “So where do you want to start?”

“Um… with how to be a manly stallion.”

“Yeah, I’m sure I can help you with that, Pop.”

“I’m Pip.”

“Really?  You sure?  I could have sworn you said Pope.”

“No, Pip!”

“Okay Pip, what do you need?”

“I… I just told you…”

“Told me what?”  Pip stared at the stallion who stood so much taller than he did.  Caramel’s pleased expression told him nothing.

Pip sighed.  Maybe he was just going about this the wrong way.  “I Pip, want to know how to be a manly stallion, can you tell me?”

Caramel nodded, his eyes not focused on anything in particular as if comprehending Pip’s words.

“Okay, Pip.  I can do that.”  Finally!  “Where do you want to start?”  Failure!

“You know what, never mind.  I think I’ll ask somepony else.”

“You mean about being a manly stallion?”

Pip stopped.  “What?”

“You want to know how to be a manly stallion, right Hip?”  Well, the name was still wrong but at least they were on the right track.  Pip nodded, afraid to give Caramel any new information lest he forget how to talk or something.  “Let’s see, a sandy medallion…”

“Manly stallion.”

“Where?”

“No!  You.”

“Me?  Oh… right…”  Caramel scratched his head.  “Oh man.  I’m being forgetful again aren’t I?”  Pip nodded.  “Yeah.  My girlfriend doesn’t like that.”  Caramel rubbed his chin as if thinking some more.  “She also likes to hit me with a frying pan a lot.  It hurts.”  Why did his memory have to be good when it came to useless things?  “What was I talking about again?”

Pip groaned.  “The secret to being a manly stallion,” he replied slowly and started to walk away.  Maybe Caramel wasn’t the stallion to ask.

“The secret… the secret…”  To his credit, Caramel appeared to be thinking pretty hard.  In fact, he suddenly raised his hoof.  “I know the secret!”

Pip spun around in utter joy.  “Really!?  What is it?”

“The secret to being a manly stallion…,” he started.  Then he paused.  “… is right on the tip of my tongue…”

Pip groaned.  “I’m never going to learn it.

“No, I know this.  I know I know this one.  It’s…,”  Many moments of silence passed.  “Was it a manly stallion or a ravishing hedgehog?”

“I don’t even think that’s remotely the same.”  There had to be a better way to find the answer than this.  Caramel could think until the cows came home and still be on square one.

“I’m sorry, but I’m going to go ask someone else.”

“Wait a minute, Pipe.  I think I know the answer this time.”

“You’ve said that already.”

“Yeah, but this time I think I know the answer to the answer.”

“Huh?”

“I just remembered why my girlfriend hits me with a frying pan.”  Caramel beamed.

“I don’t get it.  How does that help?”

“Watch.”  Caramel walked up to the plow and rubbed his hooves together.  “Here goes.  Watch me now.  The secret to being a manly stallion is about to be revealed.”

“It’s not going to be to pull the plow is it?”

“I sure hope not.”  With that, Caramel reared up, lowered his head, and came back down, ramming his head into the plow.

Pip cringed, imagining how much that must have hurt.  “If that’s the secret to being a manly stallion, I think I’ll stick to being unmanly.”

Caramel on the other hoof stood stock still, his eyes focused on nothing.  Then abruptly he screamed.  “I remember!  I remember!”

“The secret to being a manly stallion?”

“Yes!  But more than that, I just remembered that I met a vagabond named Trixie on the side of the road this morning at approximately 8:32AM who was dieing from starvation and I was going to bring her some food!  That’s right…”  Abruptly, Caramel dashed off towards the farmhouse.

“Wait!  What about the secret to being a manly stallion!”  Pip chased after him, but he fell far behind the much larger pony as Caramel arrived at the Apple Family’s front door.  Just outside, a startled Applejack and another pony were exchanging money.

“Pineapples!” Caramel shouted.  “I’m looking for pineapples!  You got any?”

Applejack visibly sighed.  “Caramel, we’ve been over this.  I know we sell just about every kind of apple you can imagine, and I know pineapple has the word ‘apple’ in it, but for the last time, pineapples ain’t technically apples and we ain’t got any.”

“Oh… right… I forgot…”

“I know,” Applejack said crossly.  “Think you could at least write it down somewhere this time?”

“I can’t.  I forgot where I left my date book.”

“Of course you did.”  Applejack facehoofed.  “Look, if you want pineapples, why don’t you try Pineapple-O-Rama in town?”

“Oh right!  I forgot about that store.”

“Caramel!”  Pip said as he finally caught up to the forgetful stallion.

“Sorry Poppy, I gotta go.  Catch you later.”  And Caramel ran off, leaving Pip panting and staring after him in disappointment.

“Hey, Pipsqueak.  I’ll get to you in a sec, okay?” Applejack said as she turned back to the other pony who had been standing there.  “Sorry about that.”

“No problem.  I’ve been waiting all day for this so I can wait a few extra seconds,” the pony answered excitedly.  Pip stared at him.  The pony was a pegasus in a light blue, full body suit.  He wore a large pair of goggles on his forehead and kept his eyes on Applejack as if anticipating something.  Was he a Wonderbolt?

Pip gawked at him as Applejack disappeared into the farmhouse and came back out carrying a pie.

“Here you go, Soarin’.  One apple pie, just the way you like it.”

Soarin’ drooled as he accepted the pie in his hooves.  “I’ve eaten a lot of pies, but I’ve never found any that taste as good as yours.  I’m so glad we met at the Gala.”

“Me too.  I’ve never met a customer that flew all the way from Canterlot every week just for our pie.”

“It’s worth it.”  Soarin’ licked his lips and let his tongue hang out as he eyed his pie.  “This is going to be a great snack before my demonstration.  Thanks again.”

“Always glad to serve ya.  Tell your friends about us!”  Applejack called as Soarin’ flew off into the sky, still holding his pie in his hooves.

Pip came out of his star struck stare and realized something.  Soarin’ was a stallion.  “Wait!  Come back!  I have something to ask you!”  But Pip’s call had gone unnoticed.  Soarin’ was already too far away and there was no way Pip could catch up with him.  Or was there?  Pip realized the slingshot he had fired the Cutie Mark Crusaders from was still sitting out in the south field.  If he could figure out how to load it up again, maybe that would help him somehow.

Rarity sat stiff, staring out the window of her boutique.  Behind her, the sounds of three fillies cleaning up whatever they could, rustled in the back of her mind.  True, Scootaloo’s parents, Granny Smith, and even her own parents had all promised to pay for the damages caused by the tree, but that money was worthless in regards to Rarity’s poor designs that would never see the light of day or fame now.

“Sis?” Sweetie Belle tried for the tenth time.  “I’m really, really-”

“Sweetie Belle… please… not right now… I… I just can’t hear it now…”

Rarity heard her little sister sigh and go back to whatever she was cleaning.  In all honesty, Rarity didn’t want to be mad at her sister.  At least not too mad.  She had almost made that mistake once before.  It was taking a lot of willpower but she knew her anger would pass eventually.  Probably not until after she contacted Hoity Toity and told him that she would have to cancel their meeting.  That was the part that was almost bringing her to tears, not the tree.  Ponyville had been destroyed enough times by rampaging monsters and crazed chaos wielding creatures, for Rarity to know that her home would be repaired as if nothing had happened at all.  Just the other day her front door and part of the wall had been torn off by some other crazy mischief her sister and friends had caused with Cheerilee, and already Rarity had a new door.

“Sis!”

“Sweetie Belle, I told you-”

“No Rarity!  Look what I found!”

Rarity sighed.  “Sweetie, what could you have possibly found that…?”  She gasped.  Sweetie was holding up a single blue dress that had escaped the path of the tree.  It was one of the designs Rarity had been working on!  “Oh Sweetie Belle, you wonderful, wonderful, sister of mine!”  Rarity picked her up and hugged her so tightly, that the little filly almost couldn’t breath, but it was worth it as the two of them were on speaking terms again.

“I’m so glad I could help-”

“Oh my gosh!  Can I still make it to Canterlot on time?”  Rarity dropped her sister and stared at the clock.  She had just enough time to catch her train.  “Yes!”  Rarity screamed and started out the door.  “Wait!  What am I thinking?  I can’t go to Canterlot like this.”

Ducking into her walk-in wardrobe (which fortunately had been spared in the damage) Rarity carefully opened a well-kept box and placed her newest hat over her head.  This one was very special, one of a kind, and one of the most expensive a pony could buy.  It had been a very special gift from Fancy Pants on her last visit to Canterlot.  Rarity couldn’t forget that she was still going to meet Fancy Pants and the rest of her Canterlot friends later that day, and she wasn’t about to make a meeting with them without that hat.

Not even bothering to say goodbye to her sister who was still on her back on the floor, Rarity raced out the door and through town in a mad dash for the train station.  Ponies ducked out of her way, and those unfortunate enough not to were forcefully moved with an ever so light tap of magic that flung them aside.

“Success!” Rarity shouted as she arrived at the station.  Her train was still there and the conductor was taking the tickets of the last pony in line.  Rarity beamed.  Dress in hoof and her special hat still in perfect condition despite the rush, Rarity was ready to board the train.

But she didn’t get that far.

What it was, Rarity had no idea, and in fact, she had no time to even fathom it.  On her first step toward the train, something landed on her head and went, ‘Splat!’  The white unicorn stood stock still, mouth agape, as she witnessed a strange yellow substance seep through her hat and drip past her nose with the strange sent of apples.

“All aboard!”

She wasn’t angry.  She wasn’t even sad.  Her emotions were little more than a blank slate as she stood there, letting the yellow substance drip silently onto the ground as ponies stepped carefully around her and the train left for Canterlot without her.

Trixie was sitting under a tree, tapping her back hoof on the ground as she crossed her front hooves.  Her purple cape hung over her shoulders, slightly damp from sweat caused by her earlier trekking before she had collapsed from exhaustion.  She could have been practicing her latest magic act or working on her next glorious speech, but instead she only had one thing on her mind.  “Where the heck is that pony who promised to bring food to Trixie!?  Trixie is famished!”

Trixie raised her hooves and glared at the sun.  “Stupid Ponyville.  Trixie should’ve never come back here.”  Trixie had already been humiliated in Ponyville once when a certain unicorn (who would remain nameless as far as she was concerned) had proven to be far more adept at magic than she was.  In her most recent travels, she found that Ponyville had the closest train station to her next destination in Dodge Junction.  Perhaps the mostly earth pony population out there would be more impressed by her talents than the mostly unicorn inhabitants of Colton where she had just recently come from.

Trixie paced back and forth as her poor stomach growled.  Ponies could really be jerks when they were angry.  Apparently, nopony in Colton had the true understanding of magic to realize that sawing a filly in half was little more than a trick.  Trixie was too embarrassed to show her face in Ponyville so she couldn’t get food from there either, at least until that stallion had tripped over her after she had passed out from hunger and exhaustion.  He had been kind enough to give her an apple to munch on while he fetched more food but…

“Where is he!?” Trixie shouted again as she used her magic to violently uproot a small bush.  “He better not have lied to Trixie!”  She didn’t even realize that she was crushing the bush into a ball.  Finally, she tossed it away.  “That’s it!  If he thinks he can make a fool of Trixie, then he has another thing coming, which of course will be pain!”  Trixie grabbed up her wide brimmed purple hat and placed it sharply over her head before stalking through the forest and into a small clearing, her rage blinding her to the fact that she was moving through an apple orchard or the fact that she had been waiting so close to the apple orchards to begin with.

She grumbled as she walked. “I can’t believe any decent pony would have the nerve to treat Trixie this way.  Trixie should be treated with respect!  Trixie is a nice pony after all.  Why should Trixie…”  Trixie stopped when she realized she was walking past a strange sight.  There was a tiny little colt in the clearing, pushing against what appeared to be a giant rubber band.  He wasn’t really getting anywhere though, his hooves sliding over the grass and dirt as he tried to push the rubber band back unsuccessfully.  Trixie trotted over to him and stood next to the odd contraption set there as she watched him with a raised eyebrow and a frown.  The colt didn’t seem to notice her as he grunted against the elastic.

Finally fed up with the pitiful sight, Trixie sighed loudly and grabbed both the colt and the rubber band with her magic.

“W-wha?” the colt exclaimed as the azure unicorn pulled him back.

“Don’t say Trixie never did anything nice for you.”

“Hey wait, what are you DOOOOOiiii…,” he screamed as Trixie let go of the rubber band and sent the colt flying.

“Remember to tell other ponies about Trixie’s good deed!  Trixie is a caring soul!”  She shaded her face with her hat, watching him turn into a speck in the distance.  Shrugging, she continued stalking towards town to find the sandy yellow stallion who had failed to bring her food, and most likely cause him lots of pain.

As Soarin’ flew on, on his way to his demonstration, his ears picked up a strange sound.  It almost sounded like a scream of sheer terror.  But what could that be?  As he wondered about the possibility, he heard the scream grow increasingly closer.  In moments, he watched a young colt without wings fly past him, slowly angling downwards.  He was definitely screaming in sheer terror.  Well, that solved that question.

Wait a minute!

“Oh, snap!  A colt with no wings just flew by me!  I’ll save you, kid!”

Soarin’ kicked it into overdrive as he dove for the small colt.  There weren’t going to be any lost lives with the Wonderbolts on the job.  The colt was flying surprisingly fast, but Soarin’ was one of the best flyers in Equestria.  He caught up quick as an eye and caught the kid in his hooves, safe and sound.  Wait… wasn’t he carrying something else in his hooves earlier?  What happened to the apple pie?

Soarin’ looked around frantically until…  “No!  My pie!” he wailed as he watched his precious pastry fall to the earth below.  Though he looked longingly after it for a moment, he realized that saving the life of the colt was worth losing his pie.  Besides, it wasn’t as if a random little pie was going to make anypony sad if it went, ‘splat,’ as a little pony doing the same would.

“Thanks, mister.  I thought I was a goner.”

“No sweat, kid.  You can always count on the Wonderbolts.  We’re here to help ponies.  I’m Soarin’, by the way.”

“My names Pip, and I’m glad to hear that, because I really need your help with something else.”

“Oh yeah?  What is it?  I’ll try to help.”

“Do you know the secret to being a manly stallion?”

“A manly stallion?”  Soarin’ smiled.  “You’ve come to the right guy, kid.  I’ve been known to be a pretty manly stallion.”

“Great!  So what’s the secret?”

“Well, the secret to being manly…”  Soarin’ stopped and looked at the sun.  “Shoot!  I’m going to be late for my demonstration.  It wouldn’t look good for one of the Wonderbolts to be late.  Come on, kid.”  Soarin’ tossed Pip on his back and flew off so fast, Pip almost fell off.

“Where are we going?”

“My demonstration in Cloudsdale.  It’ll only take about forty minutes or so.  You can wait that long, can’t you?”

“I guess.”

Soarin’ whizzed through the sky, faster than Pip ever imagined he would fly, though perhaps not as fast as the slingshot that weird unicorn had just shot him from.  Thinking back, Pip wasn’t really sure what he had hoped to accomplish with the slingshot.  It would have been pretty bad if he had shot Soarin’ out of the air with a tree.

It didn’t take long before Pip saw Cloudsdale, the greatest city in the sky, or at least that’s what the travel posters he had seen claimed.  It was made entirely of clouds and, of course, inhabited solely by pegasi, the only ponies who could walk on clouds.

“Why don’t you wait here, kid?  I can’t do my demonstration with you on my back.”

“Huh?  What do you mean, ‘wait?’  Wait where?”

“Right here.”  Soarin aimed for a rather odd looking cloud at the edge of the city.

“But I can’t walk on clouds!”

“You can walk on this one.  It’s a magic cloud.  It’s made especially for non-pegasi passing through Cloudsdale.”

“How would they pass through Cloudsdale?”

“I don’t know, but this platform has always been here.”

Though it was a bit intimidating, Soarin’ dropped Pip right on top of the cloud, which was thankfully solid.  Pip sighed in relief that he wouldn’t be falling anymore today.

“I’ll see you after the demonstration, kid.”

“Wait, what?  You’re just going to leave me up here?”

“Like I said, I can’t carry you on my back for the show and this is the only cloud you can stand on.  I’ll come back for you later.”

“Wait!”  But Soarin’ was already flying off to another part of Cloudsdale.  Pip slowly looked around his hooves.  The cloud he was standing on was only wide enough for maybe one adult pony to stand on.  Pip glanced over the edge and gulped.  That was a long way down.  Pip had nowhere to go.  What now?

Suddenly a voice rang out.  “Hey guys, check out what was left on the platform.”

Pip was surprised when three pegasi flew over and surrounded him.

“It’s a little colt.  What do you think he’s doing up here?”

“Don’t know.  Looks like somepony is being an irresponsible parent huh, Hoops?”

“Yeah, Billy.  Who would leave a kid like this just hanging around?”

“No kidding.”

“Shut up Score.  No one asked you.”  The pony named Score shut his mouth but laughed right along with the other two.

“I don’t get it.  What’s so funny?” Pip asked.  He couldn’t make any sense of them.

“Sorry, we’re just bored.  We can’t go to that Wonderbolt demonstration because the coach says we got to practice.  I’m feeling really lazy though.”

“You’re always lazy, Billy.”

“Shut up Score.  No one asked you.”  The three pegasi laughed again for no apparent reason that Pip could rationalize, but that didn’t sway him from realizing the most important thing about them.  All three were stallions.

“Hey, you guys are guys.  Do you know the secret to being a manly stallion?”

All three of them stopped laughing.  “A manly stallion?” Billy exclaimed.  The pegasi looked at one another.  Then they all smiled.  “Sure.  We know what it what it means to be manly, don’t we guys.”  He nudged the pony named Hoops.

“Yeah.  We know just the thing to make you into a manly stallion like us.”

“Extreme sports!” Score blurted.

“Thanks a lot Score.  You ruined the dramatic buildup.”

“What’s extreme sports?” Pip wondered.

“Just sit tight and we’ll teach you.  I’ll be right back with our equipment.”  Billy took to the air, but before he left he hovered a moment and addressed Pip again.  “Prepare yourself kid.  It’s not called extreme sports for nothing.  We’re about to introduce you to the most dangerous weapon known to ponykind.”

“It’s gonna be extreme!”

“Shut up Score.”  Score shut his mouth and Billy flew off somewhere.  Pip gulped again.  What had he just gotten himself into now?