Americans, Nazis, and ponies oh my!
“DAMN IT!” Pliskin yelled “How do you keep beating me!?”
“Some might call it luck, others call it skill. Either way the ten dollars, are now mine,” Anderson said with a grin
The two were playing five card stud poker on a supply crate while Rodriguez and James talked in the corner of the tent.
“Do you think we should tell him?” Rodriguez asked, puffing out the smoke from his cigarette
“Nah, I'm sure he'll eventually figure out that Anderson is stacking the deck,” James said, a smile beginning to form as he watched Pliskin get increasingly angry.
“LISTEN UP LADIES!” a voice bellowed from the entrance of the tent
All eyes turned to focus on the newcomer.
“You four idiots have a new mission, brief yourselves and get going within the hour,” It was Commander Williams
“You mean next hour sir, it's one minute till eleven sir,” Anderson said
“Just fucking get going...” Williams said
“Yes sir, in a few minutes sir!” Anderson said as he reached for his M2 flamethrower.
“Die in fire Anderson,” Williams said as he left the tent
“Wouldn't have a problem with that sir. Heh, fucking nailed it,” Anderson said as he gathered up all the cards and put them away.
“Ok bitches we got shit to do,” Rodriguez said, holding up a file “So pack your shit and get ready to move.”
Rodriguez handed the file to James, who opened and examined the contents. There was a small map with precise movements, (ones that he was sure his team would ignore) an objective, and few notes attached via paperclip.
“Friends, we have probably, the easiest mission in the entire military,” James said as he looked over the notes.
“What is it, do we have to go and babysit the hundred and first?” Anderson asked
“You realize that we’re an F troop and they do way more war critical missions right?” Pliskin stated
“Without us then the war surrounding foliage would be lost already.” Anderson said, remembering the fires he had started in Normandy.
“I realize it’s hard, but you could be a bit more accurate with your flamethrower,” Pliskin sounded rather hopeful
“Not a chance. I realize I’m clinically insane, and that if I was in my right mind I could do exactly what you asked, but when the fires get going, my god is it wonderful. I just want to make everything feel as happy as I do!” Anderson was giving the others a look of ‘No really, honest!’.
“Why am I still friends with you?” James asked himself
“You’re still his friend?” Rodriguez asked with a hint of shock in his voice.
“Anyways,” James said “We have to go about three miles east and check out a Nazi bunker. Destroy it and yada yada yada. Says here that the info came from an unreliable source, and that’s why were doing it… Thanks for the vote of confidence command…”
“Oh boy we get them all to ourselves? MORE TO BURN!” Anderson yelled
“Check you gear and lets get going you little shits. I swear I hope your fuel tanks explode…” Rodriguez muttered as he left the tent.
-Two hours later-
“I’m just saying! Come on Rodriguez help me out here, wouldn’t you like to become antiman? Cynical bastard who always does the exact opposite of anyone else,”
“Don’t drag me into this. Just shut… Oh shit get down,”
Rodriguez flung himself to the ground while the others calmly laid down on their bellies and crawled up to meet him.
“Five hundred meters, concrete slab with two krauts outside,” Rodriguez analyzed the situation carefully while Pliskin brought his rifle up to his shoulder.
“Ok you fuckers,” Rodriguez whispered “What were gonna do is, wait what the fuck are you doing Pliskin?”
*CRACK CRACK*
The shots flew downrange and hit an enemy in the chest, the other in the neck.
“JESUS SHIT PLISKIN! Not next to my fucking ear next time ok?”
“Where’s the fun in that sarge?” Pliskin asked
The four walked to the dead Germans and examined the area. There was a concrete slab, now stained with blood, that had a steel trapdoor in the middle of it. Anderson moved the Germans to a corner and arranged their bodies into a more decent pose. He may be insane but he had a sense of respect. Anderson closed their eyes and wished them luck on their way to the afterlife.
“C’mon guys, who wants to go down the strange, somewhat creepy trapdoor first?” James asked
“OH BOY MEMEMEMEME! There’s no way anyone will be able to escape my flames down there,” Anderson was way to excited
“I think you enjoy your job too much,” James said
“Well I feel bad that you can’t enjoy yours,” Anderson was genuinely sad for his friend
Anderson climbed down the ladder and turned around weapon in hand. He was greeted by the shocked faces of a few men in lab coats, and one wearing an S.S. uniform.
“Oh boy, my lucky day,” Anderson said as he lit the pilot light.
The men in lab coats turned and ran for the door which was locked for some reason, while the S.S. soldier drew his pistol. None of it mattered as Anderson pulled the trigger on the M2, sending fuel through the hose and out the nozzle. The pilot light ignited the mixture and bathed the room in fire. A short burst was all that was needed to set everything ablaze and that was all Anderson did, five seconds of fire that melted the skin off the Nazis as they screamed for it to stop. The initial inferno died down, leaving three dead men and a still screaming Nazi. The man beat at his own burned and charred skin trying in vain to put out the bonfire that was his body. After a few more seconds the Nazi fell limp as the fire died out on his outside, but was surely still burning his insides.
“Sorry was I too hot for you handle?” Anderson said, smiling at his own one liner
“That’s a new one Anderson, not a bad one either. Now shut the fuck up and clear the next room, if anybody dies, it’s you,” Rodriguez ordered
“YAY!” Anderson yelled.
Anderson walked over to another door and tried to open that one. It was unlocked and he walked in. More men in lab coats, seven or eight, and two S.S. soldiers. They didn’t seem to notice him as they were too occupied with the glowing green ball of energy suspended in mid air.
“Ho ho holy shit…” Anderson said, currently in awe with what he was seeing.
“Mother of god,” James said as he pulled his aviators down slightly.
“Sweet mother of mercy what is that?” Pliskin asked
“Shut your dickholes, and take out those two krauts before they see you, and decide to rape you with lead,” Rodriguez said
With that, Pliskin and James took aim and fired two shots each. The shots connected and sent sprays of red mist onto the floor, scientists and the walls. After a few seconds of shock and seeing four Americans run up the stairs, one scientist hit the panic button. The whole room was engulfed in red warning lights as alarm bells sounded, alerting anything that there was a slight issue. The four Americans dropped the remaining scientists quickly, except for Anderson, hard to get a clean kill with a flamethrower. They stood near the controls as the green orb expanded to twice its original size, now probably six feet in diameter. German squads poured in through the doors and shot at the Americans, now hiding behind the machinery.
“Well!” Pliskin yelled “At least we die next to a cool orb thingy!”
“OPEN UP ON THESE BASTARDS!” Rodriguez yelled
only a few seconds after he said that, Americans and Germans alike felt a slight tug in the direction of the orb. The slight tug turned into a full on pull. After a few seconds of the pull intensifying everyone had stopped shooting, and was now focused on holding on to something as gravity changed direction.
“I- I’m slipping!” James yelled
“I got you! Hold on!” Rodriguez was not going to lose a friend like this.
However, before Rodriguez could do anything, James slipped and flew into the portal.
“NOOOOO! I’m coming you son of a bitch!” Rodriguez let go willingly and flew headfirst into the orb.
“Well, if we stay here until this dies down, then we’re left with a shit ton of jerrys, and if we go into the orb we get immediate bliss,” Pliskin rationalized
“You have a point, lets go!” Anderson said as he let go “WOOHOO!”
Pliskin was right behind him as he went through. Just as he was engulfed by the light, he saw a few Germans lose their hold as well.
“Ignore the horse things, how are we still alive!” James yelled
The three had ended up in what appeared to be the great hall of a castle with horses in it. Said horses were of any color imaginable as were their mane and tails. What was even more confusing was that some had wings, some had unicorn horns, and one at the head of the hall, had both. Pliskin came out of the orb and landed next to his companions.
“So this is hell huh?” Pliskin asked “Also, don’t mean to be a bother, but I saw some Germans coming through behind me…”
“MY GOD! Americans look at this! This is amazing! Hansel yelled, brimming with excitement.
“Hey, we don’t speak German. Would you kindly learn English in three seconds so we can hear you beg?” Anderson teased
“NEIN NEIN NEIN! Oh I’m still alive, Hansel! Americans, right…” Erik was laying on the ground taking everything in.
“OH DEAR GOD WHY, well this is a turn of events… WAIT, don’t shot!” Franz yelled
“Oh lovely, one out of the three can speak English. So you can give us a reason to not kill you,” Pliskin said menacingly
“How about the fact that we are in the presence of beings from another world? Do you want to give them the idea that we mean harm?” Franz pleaded
“The kraut makes a good point sir. The horses seem to be giving us pretty strange looks, I don’t want to burn people alive in front of them,” Anderson said
“I’m with Anderson for once sir, I’m not gonna shot unless provoked,” Pliskin said
“Sir, if I may be so bold as to say, fuck these idiots, they can die if they want, lets get the hell out of here,” James said
“I would agree with you completely James. Lets go,” Rodriguez and James walked out, not for a second lowering their weapons.
“So uh, ja there is a slight language barrier here mein friend, but I take it you are in agreement with us. There is no need for the war to continue here. Let me tell mein friends of the situation, and we will go from there ja?” Franz said
“Works for me, Pliskin also says ok,” Anderson said
“So as you might have figured out by now, we are no longer on Earth, and we wish to cut all ties with Earth as well. That means no war, we are all humans here, er, nevermind, but you understand yes?” Franz said
Erik and Hansel nodded their agreement and lowered their weapons.
Everypony in the room looked on with awe, the two groups of aliens having apparent hostilities and speaking in their tongue and another one. Luna was particularly fascinated with the group wearing gray clothing and black boots. They were the ones speaking in that strange language, and one seemed to be bilingual, speaking in both equestrian and the other. Luna got off her seat and approached to be met with alarm from the group.
“FRANZ! The horse is walking towards us. Talk to it,” Erik said
“What makes you think it speaks English?” Franz inquired
“I don’t know, try it, you’re the only one who can anyways,” Erik was worried, he always was shy.
“Hello there mein new friend! Sorry to intrude like this, but we didn’t have much a choice… We are hoping that you don’t hold a grudge,” Frnaz said with a smile. He was mostly expecting his little speech to go unanswered, but it didn’t.
“Hello creature,” Luna said “ It is nice to know you are apologetic. What intrigues me however, is that you speak our language,”
“I could say the same thing about you, even if this is not my native tongue,” Franz said, shocked by what was happening.
“I suppose it could. However I am also interested in the other language you speak,” Luna was so excited to learn about this new species
“Deutsch? Or German as my American counterparts would say. Yes my friends and I speak German. Before we continue though, I would suggest you detain the two that left before they cause any trouble. Such a thing would hardly be outside their nature…” Franz was enjoying his conversation with the equine.
“Agreed, GUARDS!” Luna yelled
“Yes your highness!” They all yelled back, prepared for whatever order might be issued.
These equines were different though, they had more bat-like wings, and their eyes were more like that of a lizards. As opposed to the others with round pupils and more feathery wings, those that had them anyways.
“Find the two that left and bring them back. Do not harm them, unless necessary,” With that, ten or so took off to find the ‘two that left.’ “Now, what was your name?” Luna asked
“My name is Franz, that is Erik, and he is Hansel,” Franz said, pointing to his friends
“It is nice to meet you. But because we barley know you, I’m going to assign some guards to watch you,” Luna said, waving over some guards
“I would expect no less. But forgive my friends if they do not speak, they do not know this language,” Franz said
“But of course,” Luna said, turning to face the guards “I want you four to watch them and make sure they don’t do anything,”
“Yes princess!” they all said in unison
Looking them over, Hansel could see that they were probably female. They had slender frames, and compared to the other equines they were in general smaller.
“Franz, Erik, I think this society is matriarchal. These four look to be female, and the one you are talking to seems to have power and she has a feminine voice,” Hansel said
“I think you’re right, these four guards addressed her as a princess. I’ll ask her about it,” Franz said “Princess, would you consider your society to be female dominated?”
“I would like to think not, but me and my sister rule Equestria, and most of my guards are girls. In general we have many more females than males,” Luna said, thinking deeply about the question
“There’s no problem with it. It’s just that my friend made an observation and he wanted to clarify,” Franz said with a slight yawn “I don’t mean to be rude, but we were just in a very stressful situation, would you mind if we slept here?”
“Not at all, Guards, assign them each a room somewhere in the castle, preferably close together. In the mean time I will look into a way to get around the language issue for the sake of your friends,” Luna said with a smile as she turned away to address the other group.
Luna’s guards motioned for the Germans to follow them as they walked through a door. The Germans followed without question, just happy to sleep somewhere.
“So, Anderson. How do you wanna talk to the magical horse?” Pliskin asked
“I’m gonna go ahead and say, treat it like royalty, as that what it appears to be. You saw it up on the throne right?” Anderson said
“Ma’am,” both Americans said
The only difference was that Pliskin had his hand out for a shake, and Anderson was at attention, saluting.
“The hell are you doing?” Anderson asked
“You said royalty, I went for friendly royalty. As in only slightly above us,” Pliskin defended
Luna walked over and gave Pliskin’s hand a confused look before dismissing the gesture and speaking to Anderson.
“You appear to know how to address royalty properly. Unless of course the extended hand is more formal where you are from,” Luna said, interested in the two different greetings
“The handshake is what we call it, and it’s more formal where we’re from ma’am,” Pliskin was lying like no other
“Oh good job, the first thing after ma’am, is a blatant lie. I must say Pliskin you’ve got guts. As for your question ma’am no, the salute is the formal military greeting, a handshake is for greeting peers,” Anderson corrected
“I guessed as much. But no matter, I assume you too, are tired, and wish to sleep?” Luna said in a slightly annoyed tone
“You read my… Rodriguez! James! Where have you been? Oh that’s right, you’ve been out in the cold shunning away the princess,” Anderson said as the main doors flew open
“Yeah fuck you Anderson. Hey let go I can walk myself thank you! Fucking hell…” Rodriguez was pretty pissed
“She’s a princess?” James asked “Huh, I figured… Nevermind,” James said
“Speak your mind creature, I wish to hear your thoughts,” Luna said walking up to them
“No really I didn’t say anything,” James lied
“You five, give them rooms, and give him and uncomfortable bed. I do not like liars. You are also now their guards, do not protect them so much as make sure they don’t cause trouble,” Luna said pointing at James
“Awwww, dmanit!” James exclaimed
The four were led off to find their rooms while Luna was left with even more ‘royal’ issues to attend to.
“My sister can deal with them…” Luna said as she walked back to her seat. This week, was going to be very eventful.
Author's Note
Mud blood and ponies, who could want more?
