Going Bump in the Night

by Retired5262020

Rating: mature
Tags: Romance, Princess Luna, Anon, Original Character, Second Person, Bat Pony, Comedy, Sex, Fleur de Lis, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 45561

Have you ever wondered what having women fight over you is like? Of course you have. Ever imagine what it would be over? It probably wasn't this...

Have you ever wondered what having women fight over you is like? Of course you have. Ever imagine what it would be over? It probably wasn't this...

Let's hope you don't get eaten alive.

A second person story with you as Anonymous.
Art of Umbra courtesy of dsp2003

Published 2013-06-09 16:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-09-16 03:24:02 UTC

Chapter 2

You raise an eyebrow and look over to Umbra, who stares back with her head tilted in confusion. What sort of rumors are floating around that could interest Luna of all ponies? And why does she seem to be implying it’s about you and Umbra?

Luna’s unsure smirk slowly morphs into a sly grin once she lays eyes upon yours and the major’s confusion. Oh, this must be bad...

“...What exactly are you talking about?” you ask, getting the distinct feeling that you should be dreading the answer.

“Well,” the princess begins, her grin growing just a little bit, “word on the grapevine is that you are... very close friends,” she says in an a singsong ‘I know something you don’t’ tone.

Umbra flicks an ear and frowns a little at the lackluster answer. “Of course we are, I was the first to befriend Anon when he first arrived here. It’s natural that we would be good friends.”

“Hmm... indeed, indeed,” Luna says, nodding her head slowly. “But just HOW good of friends are you?”

Wait a moment, WAIT A MOMENT! The princess can’t actually be insinuating what you think she is, is she?

Luna hides her mouth behind a hoof and lets out a decidedly un-princess like snort as she sees the emotions playing through your face. She almost loses it as Umbra’s jaw drops when she comes to the same realization as you.

“Princess, I think you got it all wrong, me-”

“-And him aren’t together,” Umbra unexpectedly finishes for you, making you both look at each other again.

“Riiiiight,” Luna responds, looking totally unconvinced. “How many times have you said that?”

You sputter indignantly at the indirect accusation, flustered with how fast she turned around and pinned the conversation back to you. Luckily, Umbra quickly comes to your rescue.

“Princess, Anon is a great guy and all,” she says, laying a hoof on your arm, “but me and him? Together? That would be pretty weird,” the vampire finishes, avoiding yours and Luna’s eyes.

The waitress from earlier trots her way up to the table, your plate of breakfast and coffee held in her magic aura. She sets both down smoothly and expertly in front of you and as she does so, you can feel her eyes boring a hole in the side of your head.

You turn your eyes to the waitress to find that she is still wearing her intense stare.

“Anything else I can do for you?” she asks sincerely enough, even if her expression doesn’t match her tone.

You shake your head quickly and immediately turn away from the unicorn, taking her severe eyes from yours.

You see the waitress frown from the corner of your eye, as if she found your answer disappointing, before nodding almost dejectedly and walking off to make another round at the table. Peculiarly, she freezes mid step, as if someone dropped an ice cube down the front of the apron she’s wearing. A second later, she shakes it off and keeps moving.

No one noticed the ugly, narrow-eyed glare Umbra leveled the waitress with as she left.

Good god, what is up with everyone? Did everyone wake up on the wrong side of the bed or something? First Luna grilling you and Umbra about potentially being in a relationship, when it should be obvious that you both are not. Then there is the waitress, who looked ready to pounce on you should you give her any sort of cue. Her whole stance was practically a work of art in terms of self-control.

You bring a fork full of eggs to your mouth while subtly looking around.

Most of the other ponies at the table are too engrossed with their own food and conversations to pay you much mind, but to your dismay, you still have more eyes than usual upon you. They vary from pony to pony, but a pattern becomes apparent before long.

Many of the vampony mares are eyeing you with skepticism visible on their faces, as if they were told something about you that they found barely believable. A minority of them alternate between inspecting you and, surprisingly enough, Umbra with scrutiny.

The few stallions at the table seem evenly split. Half of them give you foul, almost betrayed expressions, like someone dangled something delectable in front of them before violently ripping it away. The other half is a totally different story, because they look ready to burst into laughter for some reason you can’t begin to puzzle out.

What the hell is going on? There must be some big event going on that you’re not aware of. Maybe it’s all a prank? No. There’s no way that someone could orchestrate something like that with the entirety of the volatile nightguards. One of them would have warned you just because they felt like spoiling the fun.

Someone must have an answer.

After washing down another bite of your breakfast with a mouthful of coffee, you discreetly lean towards Umbra, making her do the same towards you before you ask: “Do you have any idea what is going on here? I’ve never seen everyone act so strange and it's starting to worry me...”

She scans her golden eyes over the table herself. “No. I would just chalk it up as a prank, but I don’t think anypony, even the princess, could get everypony in on it,” she says quietly. “Maybe we should just ask?”

Huh, that’s just what you were planning on doing. “Precisely what I was thinking.”

Without any further delay, you turn back to Luna who is still wearing her weasel-like smirk, which only grows once your attention lands back on her

“Okay, you got us,” you begin, gesturing to yourself and the vampony next to you. “What’s going on? Is this some kind of joke or something? Neither of us really know.”

To your immense concern, her sly face slowly melts into confusion. Luna’s inquiring blue orbs rake themselves over both you and the now worried looking Umbra, like the princess thought that you were the ones playing a joke. “You... don’t know?” she asks carefully, not a hint of deceit on her face.

You gulp. Despite her alignment for the dark and mysterious, Luna is an awful liar and probably will be forever, as you learned from a few profitable poker games. If this isn’t some trick...

Umbra looks up at you, her face anxious as she shifts uncomfortably in her chair.

Luna continues on. “Well, I,” she starts, touching a hoof to her chest, “was under the impression that you two were in a relationship after some gossip saying so. There is usually, after all, some truth in stories like this.”

Umbra picks up the conversation for you. ”Princess, who started this rumor and why?” the major asks imploringly. “If we know, then we can hopefully dispel it before it goes too far.”

The moon deity bites the inside of her cheek and looks away, obviously not wanting to rat out someone under her to an officer. After almost a minute of indecision, she sighs and begins the short tale. “I overheard several guards talking amongst themselves on the way to breakfast over how a pair of friends told them that they had seen you two together in Anon’s room through a window. There weren’t any names mentioned.”

Umbra snorts. “Your Majesty, there’s rarely a day that I’m not in Anon’s room. I think that this may have been blown out of proportion.”

You finish off your breakfast before tossing in your two cents as well.

“Sorry, Luna, but I’m going to have to side with Umbra on this. You might have been the victim of some changed details,” you say, making Umbra smile while the Night Princess knits her eyebrows together.

So it was all just some rumor mill garbage? That’s nice. No harm done.

”You two may want to wait, because I wasn’t finished.”

...Spoke too soon.

Luna looks between you and the vampony. “It would also explain why your rations of synthetic blood potion have been piling up in the officer’s barracks, Major.”

The princess can’t be saying what you think she’s saying, is she? Of all the secrets that you and Umbra have, this one has to be the most jealously guarded. It can’t be.

“If you aren’t lovers, then why do you let Major Umbra feed on you, Anon? According to the spectators, you must taste excellent. You didn’t even turn, to boot.”

The instant that the sentences leaves her mouth, almost every pair of ears in the room perk up and you hear a few gasps. Hardly a second later the din of hurried words erupts from the other tables occupants, each one wanting to get in on the juicy dirt that was just spilled.

When it finally hits and Luna realizes that she said that out loud, her eyes go wide and she quietly says, “Oh... My apologies...”

Well shit on a shingle.

You hesitantly turn to Umbra, as if expecting her to blow up over the whole debacle.

Her jaw is dropped in disbelief, revealing her sharp pearly teeth. She then sighs and covers her face with a hoof, dragging it down slowly. She looks back up to you, smiling a small, rueful smile. “Well, at least we won’t have to keep it secret anymore.”

Really, you wish you knew just who let their mouths fly without thinking, so you could throttle them in front of everyone else until they turn blue. This is not a fucking game. A tiny, pensive look over your shoulder makes you grimace, as it reveals exactly what you were afraid of.

Almost every pony in the room is staring at you like a starved dog does a succulent, choice cut of meat. All of them look ready jump up should you move a single muscle. The waitress from earlier looks like she’s beating herself up over not acting on her impulses.

A guttural, snarling growl coming from somewhere uncomfortably close makes you and all of the vamponies watching you stiffen. Even Luna seems startled by the sudden noise. It takes you a second to realize that the hair-raising sound is coming from none other than Umbra, who has her face twisted into something that would frighten a grizzly bear senseless.

With her sharp teeth bared, eyes narrow, and the fur on her back standing up, she looks like something out of the depths of Everfree. The change is sudden and immensely startling. It’s hard to think that someone as positive as Umbra could even become this angry... Why is she taking this so seriously all of a sudden? Didn’t she just try to look on the bright side not even a minute ago?

The snarl slowly drops off her face as the others in the room avert their eyes.

You tap her on the shoulder and quickly pull your hand back. Just in case she decides to turn and bite you. “Umbra? You alright?”

She looks back to you, the frightful expression absent before she looks away in embarrassment over the reaction. “Er, sorry. I’m not too sure what came over me,” she says with a short, unsure laugh.

“As long as you’re okay...” you tell her quietly.

The nightguard’s small smile grows slightly.

Luna looks between you and the mare with a raised eyebrow before opening her mouth to talk.

Neither you nor Umbra give her the chance. “Yes. We’re sure,” you both tell her at once, you being more resolute than Umbra.

The princess looks somewhat insulted as she closes her mouth, but it quickly turns into smugness, like you had proven some point that she was about to bring up.

By now, the conversation in the room returns to its normal volume, even if everyone is trying to keep quiet on their obvious subject. The background noise lets you, Umbra, and Luna speak without needing to go to lengths to keep it to yourselves.

“Wow, Umbra, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you like that. What in the world brought that on?” you ask her with concern.

She winces and pans her ears around, apparently hearing something she didn’t like. “I’ll tell you later; there are still too many eavesdroppers around.”

You just lay a hand comfortingly on her cool shoulder, prompting her lean into it ever so slightly.

Luna rolls her eyes as her smug smirk comes back full force. “You two seriously aren’t convincing me on the whole ‘we aren’t together’ thing,” she mocks. Then, the expression on her face softens into light remorse. “For what it’s worth, I apologize once more for blurting everything out. It wasn’t my place to say, even if it was not on purpose.”

Really, you’re pretty upset over this. Luna’s little slip is going to have a ton of fallout for you and there’s not much you can do about it. At the same time, you can’t really voice your displeasure, seeing as how Luna is royalty and doing so would be immensely bad form. WIth no other options, you wave off her regret. Both in your speech and with a motion of your hand.

“It’s fine, Princess. It’s not exactly something that we can keep hidden forever, so better here where everyone can hear rather than just have it float around until it was traced back to us,” you tell her as you prop your elbow on the table and lean your head into your fist. Damn, you woke up not even two hours ago and you already feel exhausted. THANKS LUNA.

You take a drink of your coffee, swallowing the mouthful and grimacing as you find that it’s gone cold. Black coffee at anything other than hot is never good.

Looking over at Umbra, you nod towards the door, soundlessly asking her if she was ready to go.

She nods in return before standing out of her chair and giving her back legs a stretch.
You stand as well and address Luna while you’re at it. “Princess, it’s been nice to see you as always, but I think it’s time for us to go. Things to do, ponies to see, and all that.”

She nods in understanding and subtly mouths ‘I’ll make it up to you’ just before you turn. A favor from royalty? One from the youngest of the worshipped celestial sisters no less? Maybe this didn’t turn out so bad after all.

You and the mare leave the dining room out the door you came in. Once the large double doors come to a close behind you, Umbra lets out a relieved sigh at the lack of noise and perks her tufted ears back up.

“Better?”

She nods an affirmative as you both begin to wander down the blue-tinted hallways of the castle.

“So,” you begin as you lock your hands behind your head, “what is it that you wanted to say in the dining room? Why did you get so worked up?”

Umbra lets out an uncharacteristically melancholic sigh. “It’s sort of embarrassing really, but all the staring was getting on my nerves on top of everything else, so I sort of... lost it and got angry,” she says, stopping to look at the moon from a window.

You come to a halt next to her, looking outside at the bright orb as well. “What do you mean by ‘everything else’? Nothing else has really happened...”

Umbra is silent for a moment, probably pondering on what she wants to say. “I suppose that I feel like I could have preve—No, I definitely could have prevented this.”

She looks at the ground, her golden eyes inspecting the marble floor without really taking anything in. “As an officer, I’m supposed to be observant, yet I totally failed to notice that the curtains in your room weren’t drawn. It makes me look incompetent while it pulled you into this mess,” Umbra laments lightly. She lets out a frustrated exhalation and looks back up at the moon. “Princess Luna’s poking fun at the situation and all the staring didn’t help either.”

You can’t help but bite your lip at all the revelations. Is she really taking it this hard? That’s not like her at all. Normally you would just tell her to suck it up, that mistakes can be made and that no one is perfect. But she’s well and truly upset about this...

“Umbra, I can’t say that I see why you are so upset. Really, it’s my fault for not having the curtains fixed right even if you say otherwise. Even if it was your fault, which it’s not, I seriously doubt that anyone is going to get on your case about a small slip up like that,” you reply with certainty.

She shakes her head slowly and looks up at you, her face so apologetic that it makes your chest tighten. “It’s not that, not that at all, Anon,” she says lowly. “I’m more concerned about how this is going to attract trouble for YOU. Those blood potions are simply awful but we need them to sustain ourselves since we can’t go and feed on normal ponies without causing mass panic. Regular food helps, but it’s all nutritionless filler compared to blood.”

You roll your eyes at the part about the blood potions. “Umbra, those potions can’t be that bad. I think you’re exaggerating some.”

She snorts and looks at you with a raised eyebrow, as if amused with how you dismissed her claim. “Alright, think of it like this,” she says. “You have a vial of medicine that you must take every night. It tastes like ash, iron shavings, and dirty river water.”

You grimace at the description. Just the thought of such a horrid concoction coats your tongue in a fearsome phantom taste.

“If you choose not to take it, then you run the risk of going crazy with insatiable hunger. If you do, then that taste is going to stay in your mouth unless you like brushing your teeth for almost an hour.”

Okay... that actually sounds like a really unfair deal.

“They haven’t thought of making the potions taste better?” you inquire.

Umbra raises her wings in the equivalent of a shrug. “Apparently mixing anything else in there will dilute the potion’s effects to the point that you need to take more. So it’s back to square one.”

Damn.

“It’s still fine. I doubt that anyone is going to attack me or anything for my blood.” A shiver runs down your back. Saying that out loud probably wasn’t the best idea, because you likely just jinxed yourself.

With a skeptical expression, Umbra says “You did see that waitress, right? She looked about ready to take your face off.”

“I’m a bit more resilient than you give me credit for. I really doubt that she could have forced herself on me.”

“Anon, I’m half your size yet I’m stronger than you,” the batmare says as deadpan as can be.

“Yes, but,” you point a finger at her, “you’re getting a boost from feeding off of me, so I bet that the others aren’t on your level.”

“Even then, Anon. It’s not the ones who use brute force that you need to watch out for, it’s the diplomatic ones that you really need to keep an eye on. They could force you into a corner without ever laying a hoof on you.”

“Like you did? I think I know how vamponies operate now.”

Umbra flushes from the accusation and reminder of your first meeting.

You both go back to looking at Luna’s namesake hanging high in the sky, a companionable silence being held. You’re the first to break it.

“Say, Umbra?”

”Mmm?”

You reach down without looking and run a hand through her short mane. “Don’t beat yourself up over this. It’s not your fault and I certainly don’t blame you for it. You shouldn’t blame yourself either.”

She says nothing, then lets a gentle grin find its way to her face, making the silver moonlight gleam off of her teeth. “Thanks, Anon.” As an afterthought, she slyly adds: “I always knew you were a softy.”

She never even saw the flick to her muzzle coming.

“Ouch!” she says, holding her now smarting nose with a hoof. “What was that for!?”

“You couldn’t just savor the moment, now could you?” you ask rhetorically with a shake your head. Turning on your heel, you start off for the front of the castle. “Come on, let’s go see what everyone downtown is doing.”

Umbra smiles and bounces right up from her spot. “Right behind you!”

Author's Note

Wow, I did not expect the overwhelming response to this story. In light of that, I'm going to bump it up from a side project into a full one.

Chapter 3

While the castle with its extravagant nighttime decor is a sight that would leave many a pony speechless in awe, it simply doesn’t live up to the unique atmosphere of Canterlot after dark.

The lit, glass windows of shops filled with ponies, both bat and otherwise, standing out in stark contrast to the darkness. The unique stalls and their eccentric merchants that come out, selling curios from every end of the planet. The upbeat, classical music coming from one of the countless bands around the city’s entertainment district.

Adding all of that to the sheer energy and the aura that permeates the city, you get something that makes your skin tingle, a sensation you’ve never felt on earth. It’s hard to describe. But enough of that.

You and Umbra leisurely stroll into the upscale inner district of the city, taking in the familiar sights and sounds of the slow-paced night-side of Canterlot. At the sound of many hooves pounding on the street, Umbra’s training as a guard kicks in and she holds out a foreleg to stop you. Almost stumbling over the extended limb, you look to the vampire with the obvious question right on the tip of your tongue. You get your answer quickly.

A trio of foals tumble by, chased shortly after by an exasperated looking mare, each rough-housing in a display that most of the day-going nobles would frown at.

Umbra smiles at them as they go past and you do too, but probably for a different reason.

The peace here is so pleasant. Practically no one has a care in the world and everything seems perfect. Those foals are the perfect symbol of it.

Lost in your thoughts, it takes you a moment to realize that someone is calling your name.

“Anon!”

The call finally pulls you from your fanciful daydreams back to reality, where you look down and see Umbra stopped in front of what looks like a wide alleyway deviating from mainstreet. You don’t recall this being here. There was a gate.

“Wasn’t this gated off just a few days ago?” you ask uncertainly. It had to have been.

The armorless guard nods her agreement. “Mmhmm. This was a part of the city that was heavily damaged in the changeling attack at Head Captain Armor’s wedding. I think it was rebuilt at Princess Luna’s behest into an…”

A jet black batpony flies just inches over your head, holding a sign in his hooves that he hangs on one of the now-open gates. In its whirling script, it reads…

“Artisans’ District?”

The black pony’s ears perk up as he lands, no doubt taking notice of your exclamation. “Indeed it is,” he says looking up to you. “Her Majesty felt that the arts were under-appreciated, so she ordered this area to be built.” The bat-stallion shakes his leathery wings and looks towards the castle fondly. “There’s even a rumor that Princess Luna paid out of her own pockets to have this done. And ponies still have doubts about her…” He snorts almost scoffingly

Lovesick much?

Umbra must be thinking along the same lines, as she smirks behind a hoof.

Looking beyond the stallion, you see that the alleyway extends for quite a ways, enough to make the building at the end little more than a shadowed blur. To you, it seems a little irresponsible for Luna to have a whole piece of Canterlot rebuilt in her image when there was likely something important before. But you have little room to complain. What Luna does with her power and money is no concern of yours. As a millennia-old alicorn, she must know what she wants out of life and how to get it.

“Anyway,” the stallion continues, “things are a little bare here at the moment.” He stops to look behind him at the empty alley. The vacant buildings seem almost lonely, all by themselves in the narrow street. “But things should pick up once word gets out.”

Umbra smiles. “That’s so cool!” she gushes. “All this space available for ponies with neat talents. I think it would be incredible once you get the place filled up.”

The black-coated stallion seems to puff up at Umbra’s declaration. He must have some important role with the new district.

“Umbra,” you start with deceptive gentleness, “you don’t know anything about art. I have no idea why you’re excited.”

Her golden eyes lock onto yours as she scrunches her muzzle up at your words. ”Do too.”

Does she really want to play this game? “Name three masterpieces.”

She holds her nose up. “The Pony Lisa. The -“

“Ones that aren’t commonly known.”

Umbra huffs and restarts. “The… the…”

“Well?”

She thinks silently to herself, poking her tongue—dare you say—cutely out of her mouth as you and the black-coated stallion both watch her. After a moment of silence, she sighs and gives a muttered, “I give up.”

Rather than look defeated, she looks up at you with a smirk, her fangs on full display. The message is as clear as day. ‘You owe me for being right.’

You know exactly what she wants, too. Women… er, mares….

The poor stallion lets out a dejected sigh and hangs his head at the lackluster answer. “It seems like nopony ever has any appreciation of the arts anymore.”

Umbra’s smirk slowly drops into a guilty wince, apparently not too pleased that she upset the stallion.

Time to come to her rescue, again…“Trust me, you shouldn't be too upset that she can’t remember any important artistic achievements. In fact, I bet she can't even remember what she had for breakfast this morning,” you say, ignoring Umbra’s indignant “Hey!”

The black coated batpony just waves your statement off. “It’s fine,” he sighs. “I'm not really expecting anypony to really be interested in the district until it’s up and running. After all, the whole point of its existence is to spread its influence around.”

He then blinks as if realizing something before he smiles. “Anyway, allow me to introduce myself. I am Fine Etch, the landlord appointed to the Artisans’ District by Princess Luna. You two must be Anonymous the human and Major Umbra, am I correct?”

“That would be us,” you confirm.

“Yes, so you’re from a different world and all that? I imagine that the human world must have all sorts of exotic art styles…” Etch not-so-subtly hints with a hopeful voice.

“I’m going to cut you off right there, because I have zero talent,” you bluntly state.

Fine Etch just sighs and rubs his head with a hoof. “Figures…”

“But!” Umbra suddenly interjects. “We would be happy to spread the word of what's going on here out to the public. I’m sure it wouldn't take long for the place to fill up!”

You level the mare with a discreet, but pointed stare that she promptly ignores.

Etch’s face picks back up as he looks to his fellow batpony. “You would do that?” he asks.

”Of course!” Umbra chirps, again ignoring the hole that you're staring into the side of her head.

The stallion’s smile is almost blinding. “That’s great!” he exclaims. “Having a lunar guard officer and the resident human talking about the district? We’ll be out of spots in no time!”

“Yeah…” you start, “we’ll be sure to help out. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we'll go get started right now.”

Without wasting another second, you snag up a surprised Umbra by the scruff of her neck and lead her away from the ecstatic stallion. Once you're sure you're out of the impressive hearing range of the average vampony, you set Umbra down outside an empty café and level her with an incredulous expression.

“Really? Do you have to go and volunteer not only yourself, but ME for all these time wasting things? I mean, what the hell?”

The guardsmare lets a frown come to her face. “I was just trying to be nice to the poor guy. Besides, it's not like this is going to be all that difficult or anything. All we have to do is bring up his little alleyway in conversations. Plus, we weren’t doing anything else,” she reasons.

Why do you suddenly feel like ripping out your own hair? Is foresight something that all vamponies lack?

You pinch the bridge of your nose with a thumb and index finger. “Umbra, you do realize that this is just going to snowball on us, right? Remember that whole incident with that one crackpot and the repeating crossbow?”

She sniffs. “It turned out alright. Cog was sent to prison and the guards got some new toys. Despite a few misfortunes, it's a win-win as I see it.”

“Maybe, but we don't want those misfortunes to happen, see?” you say as you poke her on her wing, right on top of a tiny nick. “This is pretty much the same situation. We say that we’ll do one task, and then we get roped into doing another right after.”

“This’ll turn out well for us, promise.” Umbra looks back over her shoulder to the entryway of the Artisans’ District. “I’m not a foal, Anon. I can learn from my few mistakes just fine. If Princess Luna has so much interest in that little alleyway, then I can almost guarantee that it'll be worth it to help out.”

…You want to argue, you really do, but you had forgotten that little slice of the city belongs to Luna. The same Luna who advocated for you before any of the unsavory sort could start pointing hooves.

“…Alright, you win,” you grumble despondently.

She smiles brightly. “Indeed I do win. Umbra: one hundred ninety two, Anon: twenty.”

“You’re still keeping score of all this? That's a little sad.”

“You’re only saying that because you're losing.”

Maybe, but you're not going to tell her that. “Right, right.”

Umbra rolls her slitted eyes with a small smile and faint giggle. Looking over into the nearby café at the clock on the wall, Umbra hums a low note to herself. “Hey, Anon? Let’s stop by that new smithy real quick. I want to see if they're done repairing my armor.”

Is that why she's not wearing her armor? She damaged it?

“Wait, why didn’t you just give your armor to the castle blacksmiths?” you ask with a raised eyebrow. “Seems counter-productive to have some private joint fix it.”

“Just curious, I guess,” she says with a shrug. “If it’s a good job then I might try to hire the guy. My company goes through equipment like mad.”

“Lead the way, then. How you managed to fuck up reinforced armor though, I'll never know.”

Without waiting to hear any more lip, she turns and begins to trot off, leaving you to follow. She leads you through the tangled streets of the capital city and the more congested roads with an ease that befitted her earlier boasts of her navigational abilities.

As you walk with the vampony, you can't help but find your eyes drawn to her more times than any other. Out in the light of the moon, it's even easier to see the changes that your blood has given Umbra. One would have to be blind to NOT notice them.

The almost supernatural fluidity of her movements, each limb moving like a machine with well-oiled hinges.

The unconscious way her ears swivel to pick up sounds not even other vamponies seem to notice.

Eventually your eyes fall upon her cutie mark, a purple pony silhouette outlined in black. When you first met Umbra and had the concept of the marks explained to you, it was a little difficult to understand them at first glance.

Now it's almost second nature to look at the mark of an unfamiliar pony.

Umbra’s rather stereotypical cutie mark symbolized her impressive stealth ability. She could practically vanish off the face the planet even before she was getting power boosts from you. Now…You blink. You’re not even sure just what your friend’s maximum potential is. For all you know, she might be able to turn into a ghost now.

It’s unsettling to think about. Stealth plus vampire strength? You’ve seen those strong legs of hers send opponents flying during the times you've watched her train.

…When did Umbra’s hips start swaying?

“Ohhh, Anon? My eyes are up here.”

Then you realize you've been staring at her behind for the last few minutes. Your face goes hot as you look up and away from her.

“I was just thinking about cutie marks, is all,” you force out past the lump in your throat.

She looks back and snickers behind a hoof as she walks. “Really now? Are you sure you aren’t having any dirty thoughts? Because that's what it looks like to me.”

“Dirty thoughts about YOU?” you ask with a scoff

”You know, if you want a closer look at my rump, all you have to do is ask~”

For a single moment, you actually consider taking her up on that. Then you crush that thought with a bus.

“If you’re nice, maybe I'll think about letting you touch it!” she says, her tone nothing but mischief.

Three buses and a tank.

“Just keep walking…”

You’re just glad that the road to the local blacksmith is often abandoned this early. If anyone had seen all of that…

Umbra just smiles and nods at the order, before trotting with a bit more bounce in her back legs.

“What am I going to do with you?” you mumble to yourself.

She overhears you. “Hug me, love me, and take me home?”

“How about no?”

The inside of the aptly named “Dingy’s” blacksmith shop is almost stifling compared to the cool air just outside. It’s obvious that a metalworking shop would be considerably hotter than outside, even on a summer day, but good god, it must be over 100° in the sooty, dirty shop.

You hold the door open for Umbra, who sends a grateful glance at you as she walks in.

Almost immediately, she winces as the loud peal of hammer on steel echoes from the back of the building, no doubt hurting her ears. She folds her ears back as she trots up to the checkout desk before hollering into the open door behind it, making the hammering suddenly stop. A second later you hear hooves trotting across the wooden floor to the front.

While Umbra is busy with that, you aimlessly wander the shop and look over the myriad of arms along the shelves and racks.

Maces, swords, axes, pole-arms, bows, lances, knives, chakrams, and all sorts of other weird and wild weapons are situated around. A look at a bronze mace tells you that they’re probably sorted by quality. For such a peaceful land, Equestria has some talented weapon smiths. You idly wonder why they even make these things when magic itself is such a versatile tool.

You pick up a gleaming, steel knife with etchings on the blade off of a rack and give the handle a squeeze.

“Fuck!”

...Only for it to almost fall apart in your hands, sending down a rain of little pieces that you have to scramble to catch.

Gently replacing the broken merchandise back on an out of the way rack, you look to see the ludicrously low price.

“Wait, what?”

In fact...Craning your head around, you see that almost EVERYTHING is cheaply labeled. This place must be at the level of a tourist trap...

Not to say that everything in Dingy’s is a weapon. There are plenty of common tools in labeled boxes and a medley of armors spread around on equinnequins. Easily enough to drown out the number of offensive items.

Still surprising to you, though.

Wandering back up to the front of the store, you find Umbra, now in her normal lunar guard armor, haggling with a young, orange-coated earth pony smith that you’ve never met before. Neither of them seem to notice you approaching.

“Ma’am! I can’t possibly go that low! It’s simply not possible!” the young stallion says, practically in a tizzy. “The very best I can do you is 80 bits, and not one lower.”

Umbra frowns, then immediately wipes the expression on her face in favor of a slick, charming smile. “Well, that simply won’t do,” she replies matter-of-factly, then gives him a sideways look. “50 bits at the most, I’ve got a VIP to protect and I need to get back to work immediately.” She looks down at the side of her armor, where there is a large, and very visible mark where the indigo armor was repaired. “Plus, I don’t think I can pay full price for something like this. A weak point on a set of officer’s armor?”

The young stallion looks to where Umbra is pointing on the armor and practically begins to hyperventilate.

Poor guy.

“SO!” Umbra continues, her alluring smile on full blast, “seeing as how you know WHY I think it should be 50 bits, I’ll buff out the mark on my own and forget it ever happened... So long as you agree.”

“But... but Master Dingy said...”

“Come on now, a VIP protection detail mission from Captain Smiles isn’t something I can slack on forever,” the mare pressures.

At the mention of the lunar guard head captain’s name, the novice metal worker completely deflates. With a sigh and a dejected nod, he agrees.

Grinning a wide, fanged revealing grin, Umbra pulls a pouch of bits from under her wing and tosses a pair of bits with ‘25’ printed on them onto the counter.

“About done? It’s sweltering in here and I want to go back outside. Don’t tell me it’s not, either, because I can see you sweating.”

Both Umbra and the smith look up at you, that latter finding it appropriate to gape. The kid must not get out much, seeing as how you been in Canterlot for months.

“Well, here’s my charge!” Umbra tells the young pony jovially. “And yes, let’s get out of here. I can feel sweat starting to soak into my fur.”

Once you and her are outside, you both just stand in a cool breeze that blows by for a minute, trying to get rid of all the stuffy heat that seemed to cling to you.

The pony next you shakes herself like a dog, airing out the parts of her coat not under her armor. “Ahhh, much better!”

“So, now that we’ve got all that out of the way, what next?”

The major hums to herself in thought. “Well, we should probably see what the lieutenant and my old company are up to. Knowing them, they’re probably goofing off rather than doing any real work...”

“Don’t you goof off half the time?”

“Officer’s privilege. As long as the paperwork says I did something, then it’s okay! Neat, huh?” she asks with a grin.

“But... you just...” You stop, sigh, and run a hand down your face.

Again, you find yourself following the lunar guard back into the tangle of the majestic city, this time back towards the castle.

Neither of you ever noticed the pair of emerald green eyes watching your every step.

Author's Note

You know the drill. Point out typos, tell me what can be done better, yatta yatta.

Note that I do NOT have good cover art of this story. If anyone here has any artistic talent and wants to make some for me, then that would be pretty fuckin' neeto and I would, or course, put your credits in the story summary. Current pic is a place holder.

This took forever, but real life is a bigger bitch then my ex.

If you saw the Gdoc notes on my botched first version of this chapter, then keep in mind it's all speculation and idea bouncing between two autists.

Chapter 4

Dreams. They’re simply wonderful things. A well-deserved reprieve from the toils and stress of the waking hours. Some are good, some are bad. Others you remember for your whole life. Even more and go without ever being acknowledged by you. The ones most well-versed in dreams can even control them. Letting the dreamer soar into adventures of their own design.

Dreams. Wonderful things.

And yours was just interrupted thanks to someone knocking on your door.

“Ugghhh…” you groan like something out of a zombie movie. Who knew exercising with a bunch of vampony soldiers would leave you so sore? You’ll blame Umbra for it later.

The rapping on your door comes again, making you groan and set up facing the window. To your immense annoyance, the sun hasn’t even gone down yet. If it’s Umbra behind that door, then she is so getting her ass kicked. A pang of pain from your abused neck remind you that you have a better reason for wanting to knock her block off.

After ‘hanging out’—read: exercising—with her old company, she insisted that she was exhausted and wanted a ‘pick me up’ from you. Umbra practically chewed on your neck, even though she’s well aware that you hate that. Whatever, you can deal with it later.

You sigh and flop back down to your pillow. “It’s open… come in…”

With a creak, the door swings open to reveal…

”Hmhm! Good morning, Mr. Anonymous.”

Rather than Umbra’s voice like you expected, a lower, smoother, accented tone flows into your ears. If you had to give it an Earth analog, then you would call it Scandinavian. Swedish maybe.

You raise your head back up and look to the door.

Meeting your bleary vision is a pair of large, pink pony eyes with slits for pupils. You know only one vampony with such an iris color.

“Warrant officer Bright Night?” you ask unsurely.

The vampony in the darkened doorway offers a small smile, revealing her fangs. “Indeed, Mr. Anonymous. But I implore you, there is no need to be so formal. Just Bright will be fine.”

No need to be so formal, eh?

“Really now?” you ask as you sit up and slowly get out of the bed, “Alright, but only if you call me Anon. The ‘Mister’ thing makes me feel old.”

"Oh, of course,” Bright says as she steps into the light. “I suppose it would be dreadfully rude to ask for something then not extend the same courtesy.”

In the waning light of the still-setting sun, you get a full view of Umbra’s old second in command. Like most other vamponies, she sports the same youthful body and charcoal gray fur of her kind, the only difference being how well groomed she keeps it. Her mane and tail are rather normal too, being a rather deep brown that looks black in low enough light. Rather than a pair of wings like the majority of vamponies, a slightly curved and unspiraled horn pokes out from her mane, marking her as a unicorn. The biggest thing that separates her from her compatriots are the pale pink orbs, shining with intelligence, that stare at you.

In most cases, vampony eyes tended to lean towards cooler colors, like greens and blues, but others are far from unheard of. Pink, however, is certainly a rarity. Mostly because many vamponies with pink eyes have their eye color magically changed. Pink, easily noticeable eyes make for bad stealth operation candidates, they say.

So Bright made her way through the ranks in a different way.

As she walks closer, it’s easy to make out the bright red cross emblazoned onto the side of her armor.

"Something the matter?” she inquires as she studies your ginger movements. “Ah, that’s right, you were out exercising with the rest of the company the day before, weren’t you?” She clicks her tongue disapprovingly as her horn lights up in a corona of magenta. “Yet again, I feel a case of déjà vu as I tell you this.”

The light on her horn stretches out into thin, pink wisps that snake around you expertly.

“You shouldn’t push yourself as hard as the soldiers,” Bright halfheartedly scolds as the lines of light sink into your skin, gradually pulling the aches from your limbs. “Not to sound demeaning or anything of that sort, but you just aren’t…”

“As well built?” you prod with a raised eyebrow.

“Hmhm! I wouldn’t say such a thing. I happen to think that your figure is excellent,” Bright comments with a small smile. “But as it stands, the Lunar Guard’s training has simply better prepared them for harsh circumstances. I believe you said your life before Equestria was rather leisurely?”

Understatement. If it weren’t for your unplanned interdimensional trip, then you would still have that embarrassing I-can’t-touch-my-toes gut.

“Yeah, I did say that, didn't I?” you ask as you fully stand and stretch, enjoying the lack of soreness from yesterday. You smile down at the unicorn. “Thanks, Bright. I haven't seen a better medic yet.”

She lets out a giggle and waves a hoof at you. “Oh, it's nothing much. A little bit of cellular revitalization and a minor energy transfusion goes a long way,” she says.

Bright glances back up to you slyly. “Buuuut… If you wish to compliment me some more, then I certainly won't stop you.”

“Nice try, but everyone gets one.”

She shrugs at the apparent ‘defeat’.

“Anyway,” you start, “what are you doing here, Bright? I thought that without Umbra to lead the company around, you were the one in charge?”

“Well, I am. Or at least I was,” she says as she walks to the door.

You follow along, wanting to hear what she has to say. You don’t bother to change out of your sleeping clothes, since most ponies won’t realize what they are for anyway. Both you and the pony exit and begin to trek down the hallway as she continues. “As you may or may not know, only a second lieutenant or higher is supposed to be leading a company. I’ve been left as the sort of unofficial leader in the power vacuum left by the major and its gone unnoticed since the 663rd is a fairly small company.”

Bright turns down a hallway, leading you to the infirmary if your memory serves you right.

“But,” she continues, “the upper levels of the guard finally caught wind that we’d been without official leadership just a few days ago. As you can probably piece together, a new commanding officer for the 663rd is being evaluated as we speak.”

“I take it that’s the reason that Umbra isn't here as well?” you ask as the doors to the infirmary come into view.

“Indeed,” Bright confirms with a nod of her head. “Major Umbra was called in to assist in the evaluation process. She gave me temporary guardianship of you whilst she's busy.”

“Guardianship?” you scoff. “You can't be serious, can you? You make it sound like I'm some brat who needs to be babysat every waking hour.”

“Hmhm! I wouldn't go as far as to say that you need watched at every possible moment,” she retorts as she pushes the infirmary doors open with magic, letting the unpleasant sterile smell all hospitals have wash over you. “But,” she says with a haughty smile, “I do happen to be one hundred and ten years old, so compared to I, you are indeed quite the brat.”

Fucking smug vamponies.

“Well, you know what they say,” you mockingly gesture towards the still open infirmary doors, letting Bright trot ahead of you, “age before beauty…”

The mare stops just beyond the infirmary threshold, shaking her head. “Touché, Anonymous, touché,” she says, then beckons for you to follow her.

You and the lunar guard bypass the rather dull and empty waiting room and the half-asleep pegasus attendant entirely, immediately making for the back of the medical unit. If there is anything that bewildered you about Equestria, other than the magic and talking ponies that is, then the Equestrian hospitals has to be it. The similarity they have to the ones on Earth is both uncanny and slightly unsettling. Practically everything is the same.

The level of medical technology, the expertise of the physicians, the schooling required to have such a job, and everything else all the way down to the drab white walls and unstainable floor tiles.

One thing the ponies certainly do better than humans is using such resources as best they can. A hospital visit in Equestria is usually in-and-out quickly and with little fanfare unless there is good enough reason to stay longer. It also helps that the doctors are serious about their jobs. There's no fooling around in the hospital.

Even if it's a huge step up from human healthcare, you could certainly do without the reminder of your childhood’s bane. Hospitals are the worst…

Bright leads you past other doctors and the rare patient towards the larger patient rooms near the back of the infirmary, which seriously begins to worry you.

“Bright?” you question hesitantly. “Why exactly are we back here? I’m not hurt or anything…”

The vampony looks back at you with a raised eyebrow. “I see you did not put the date down on your calendar like I said. Tell me, how long has it been since you've been here for an ailment we were unable to remedy in the front?”

You knit your eyebrows together as you think back. You've seen the castle's medical unit far more than you would have liked, but being pals with guards has the annoying tendency to get you banged up. Even then, there wasn't anything that happened to you that a doctor simply couldn't patch up in the reception area. It’s been…

“About six months?” you guess with the slightest bit of hesitance.

Bright smiles and nods. “Hmhm! Looks like your memory isn't as faulty as I believed it to be. Now, what procedure took place back here six months ago?” she prods as you're led to a minotaur-sized room.

Damn. Why can’t she just say what she is going to do? Is it really that much of a hassle to be straightforward?

Then you remember that you're talking to a vampony

“I think it was just a physical and a few…” you shudder as you take a seat on the table, “vaccinations…” Pony needles, why did they insist on making them so big?

“Exactly!” Bright exclaims. “It’s been a full six months since you've last been here. I figured it prudent to, how do they say, ‘kill two birds with one stone’ and do this whilst you are with me today.”

Fuck. Oh well, it's not like this could be worse. Right?

“Yeah, yeah. I don’t exactly like that you waited so long to tell me what was going on, though,” you say with your face screwed up in irritation.

“Oh?” she asks with mock surprise. “Forgive me. I was under the impression you knew what we were doing since you made no bother to protest.”

Your glare could reduce steel to a bubbling, molten puddle.

Bright’s mocking expression fades, replaced with the disarming serenity that most professional doctors seem to have perfected. “Hmhm. No need to be upset, Anonymous. We are doing a simple physical, nothing more and nothing less. I apologize for antagonizing you; it was rather immature on my part,” she says sincerely.

And just like that, your annoyance is squished under a fat brick of guilt. You really did doubt a medic, of all people. That’s a pretty scummy thing to do.

“Chin up, Anonymous,” Bright says with a smile, “I know it was nothing personal, and I also know how you detest hospitals. We’ll have you out of here soon.”

You smile back, but feel your stomach tighten with a residual pang of regret.

Both you and she wait for several minutes within the room. The only sounds to be heard around are the nurses outside walking about and the occasional moan of pain from some unfortunate pony. Finally, a vampony nurse walks and with a clipboard and paper held in her mouth that she passes to Bright.

When the nurse notices you, she freezes and blinks incredulously as her mouth slowly falls open.

You can't help but squirm as the nurse’s surprised expression slowly begins to morph into hunger.

“Don’t you have something to be doing?” Bright asks the almost salivating nurse with a clipped tone, making the nurse turn and leave.

“Apologies, Dr. Night!” the nurse hastily calls behind her.

Oh yeah… Looks like everyone knows by now…You facepalm with a groan.

Bright glances back at the empty doorway before turning her attention to the clipboard held in a magenta glow. “Let’s see here… No currently outstanding or lasting injuries, no dental work done since the last visit, no notable allergies, and not on any current medication. Is this right, Anonymous?”

“Sounds so.”

Bright nods and flips to the second page. “Alright, if you would get on the scale, please?” She points to a floor scale with an electronic display in the corner of the room. Right next to it is markings on the wall to indicate height.

You do as you're instructed and stand on the little metal pad as Bright records the numbers while nodding and muttering to herself.

“I must say, you've lost quite a bit of weight since last time,” Bright comments. “You did say you were in the unhealthy range for your species last time, didn't you?”

Oh man. Unhealthy is an understatement. ‘Diabetes pending’ would've been closer.

Okay, it wasn't that bad, but it was still pretty nasty.

“Yeah, I always had a nasty gut that I could never seem to get rid of,” you tell her as you pinch what little of your midsection you now can. “I’ll be honest, coming here was probably the best thing for my health. I bet I would be doubly wide by now if I was still on earth.”

Bright snorts and holds and a few laughs. “Let’s not focus on what could have been, but rather what will be.” She flips to the last page on the clipboard. “Now, let's check your vitals. Then we can say that it's over. Since you’re obviously in no danger, I think I can just fill out the rest and call this a success.”

In the furthest back reaches of your mind, you idly wonder if you should be worried that your doctor, who is also a military officer, should be cutting corners on her job. But that tiny voice gets the raw end of the deal as the greater part of your mind just wants out of the infirmary before someone can bust out the supersized needles.

A small ring off magenta magic surrounds your bicep as Bright’s horn begins to light up.

“First off, blood pressure.”

The ring gradually begins to tighten, constricting your arm just to the point of being uncomfortable before it stops and holds. While you see Bright recording her findings onto the paper, you also notice that she’s focusing very, VERY intently on the pulse your arm makes around the ring of her magic. Despite your earlier decision to trust Bright, a small worm of doubt begins to wiggle its way into your mind.

She holds the ring for just over a minute, then blinks and gives her head a slight shake before dispelling the magic.

“Hmhm… Alright, blood pressure seems normal compared to the baselines we have…” she says distractedly. Looking further down the paper, she levitates a stethoscope from the nearby counter and places the buds in her ears.

“Heartbeat and lungs now. I’m afraid that your shirt is going to have to come off,” she says while hopping up onto the hospital bed behind you. At the same time, the door to the infirmary hallway closes with a familiar magenta glow around the doorknob, shutting out the view of several too curious staff members.

Again, worry gnaws away at your conscience.

“Um… Bright..?” you question nervously. What the hell is going on here?

“Well, I did recall that humans do not like to be seen unclothed. So I figured you would feel more comfortable like this?” she tries to state, but it comes out more like a question. Even then, it’s hard to deny the genuine look of innocence she sports.

Damn. You’re getting jumpy over nothing. You eat your apples every day, so that keeps the doctor away, right?

“Sure, that’s right,” you tell tell her while slipping the thin t-shirt you’re wearing off with slight trepidation, “but that’s only for when… you know… stuff downstairs is concerned.”

“Ah…”

As you sort of expected, she isn’t really fazed. But then again, what CAN faze a century-old pony medic? Though her eyes do linger on Umbra’s bitemark longer than you liked.

“Alright, this is going to be cold. Be sure to take deep breaths.”

You do as she says and breathe deeply as the ice cold stethoscope slowly wanders around your back, making you shiver some. Ick, it’s sensations like that no one can ever get used to. Why don’t they ever warm these damn things up before a patient visits? Is it really that hard?

While she’s listening to the sound of your lungs, you note that the doctor sniffs deeply a few times, as if trying to locate some elusive smell. You really hope it isn’t you. You cut corners with your shower the other night, but it shouldn’t be that bad.

As you ponder on how to clean yourself, the stethoscope makes a final stop right behind your heart… and doesn’t move. The unicorn isn’t doing what you think she’s doing, is she? No… Bright must have a Hippocratic oath stopping her from doing anything rash. You didn’t just get yourself locked in a room with a hungry vampony, did you?

She must have noticed the sudden spike in your heart rate, because the stethoscope is quickly pulled from your back.

“One last one, then we’re done… Please turn around so I can gauge your front.”

She sounds almost disappointed, making this all the more nerve-wracking. But you don’t have much choice at this point.

You turn around on the hospital bed and sit crosslegged facing the unicorn, who seems to be shaking.

For a split second, your eyes dart to the door behind you, but your attention is pulled forward again when the still icy cold stethoscope touches your chest. Bright does the usual routine with the instrument, waiting one breath in each area then moving to the next without interruption. Again, she frowns and subtly sniffs at something.

Slowly, you calm down, then almost soundlessly groan and mentally beat yourself up for doubting the integrity of an Equestrian doctor. This isn’t some b-horror flick. There’s no way you’re going to get jumped like that. Why did you even think that?

Then you feel the oddest sensation where the stethoscope was just a moment prior.

...When was it replaced with cool fur?

Looking down, you feel yourself go pale with what greets you.

It’s Bright Night, cuddled up in your lap and rubbing her cheek and side over your bare chest almost mindlessly. You are so shocked that you can’t even react.

The doctor lets out a throaty, literal purr and looks up at you with glazed pink eyes. “Hmhm~! You smell wondrous… do you know that, Anon?” she asks, still doing the purr as she trails her head up to kiss and nip at the nape of your neck.

“B-bright! What are you doing?!” you say, barely stopping yourself from yelling. “You can’t do this! W-we-!”

You try and push her off, but her vampony strength lets her latch onto you tight.

In response, she trails her tongue up your neck, across your jaw, and stops at your mouth, where she mashes her furred lips to yours with a giggle and drunken fervor.

So much for an apple a day keeping the doctor away.

Author's Note

Took forever, but here it is. Things being to escalate.

Let me know if you see any mistakes, as my proofreader was only half awake.

Chapter 5

This is NOT how you wanted to spend your Monday.

With every bit of effort you can muster, you push Bright Night’s puckered lips just out of range of your face by your trembling arms.

She blinks hazily and frowns. “Anon? What’s wrong? I just want to…” Bright stops in the middle of her sentence and giggles like a little girl hearing a dirty joke. “…suck on you.”

Did she really just say that? She can’t mean what you think she means, can she? Of all the fucking things…

“Yeah, I get that!” you force between gritted teeth as you struggle to unlatch the overly affectionate pony from yourself. “Thing is, I’m pretty sure this isn’t professional!”

The doctor blows a raspberry with her tongue. “Maaaaaybe. But rules and things like that were made to be broken. Why else would they be there?”

This is NOT Bright. This is not her at all. What in the world happened?

“Noooow,” she presses her softly furred body back up to you and puts her muzzle in the crook of your neck, right by Umbra’s bite mark. ”Let’s get back to what we were doing~” she finishes in a voice that sends countless shameful thoughts running through your head.

“Let’s not,” you shoot back.

Faster than you thought you could, you twist around on the hospital bed and break Bright’s grip on you, leaving the vampony alone on the bed and blinking in confusion.

Now for the door.

Before you can even get one step in, a translucent band of pink wraps around your wrist and tugs back sharply, sending you to the tile floor with a loud “Oof!”

Bright’s smirking face appears in your vision as her hooves land on your shoulders, blocking your view of the ceiling. “Have a nice trip?”

You scowl. Why can’t this stuff ever be easy? “You are one cheeky cunt.”

If anything, her smirk widens. Her fangs are especially pronounced in the low light, making you sweat. “Care to find out for yourself?” she asks.

“Let me think. No.”

Your hand shoots up and flicks her right on the tip of her horn, making the doctor yelp and recoil.

The instant that she is up and off of you, you roll to your hands and knees and jump towards the door, only for something to crash into your back, sending you face first into the very solid door and leaving your back at a funny angle.

“Nice try~” Bright whispers right in your ear as she sniffs at Umbra’s bite mark again.

Again, you twist around, but Bright anticipated the move, leaving you on the ground with her smirking triumphantly above you. “Hmhm! I think I win…” she says, slowly smiling and showing off her sharp fangs again.

Fuck!

Your hand flails around, blindly groping for something, anything to get this bat-shit insane mare off of you! It hits the cupboard under the sink, which you open and grab the first thing that your fingers can latch around.

Bright slowly lowers herself, resting her soft body on your shirtless torso as her head descends to your neck.

Oh god. The temptation to give up…

“Sorry doc, but not today…”

Then you bash her in the head with a bedpan with a resounding BANG.

She shoots to her hooves so fast that you don’t see her move and stiffens, her razor-sharp teeth bared for all to see. For a terrifying moment, you think she’s going to maul you to death for daring to strike her, then the medic’s ears droop as she falls to the side like a stringless puppet. Bright hits the tiled floor with a muted ’thud’, her limbs splayed out in unconsciousness as her pink eyes roll behind her eyelids.

…

“…Holy shit…” you whisper to yourself, as if anything louder would rouse the bloodthirsty medic. You steady your heaving chest and raise yourself to a sitting position, careful to avoid touching Bright. For a moment, you simply sit and catch your breath as you try to puzzle out the situation with no avail.

Bright is one of the most kind and gentle ponies you’ve ever met. The only one to rival to the vampony medic is the Element of Kindness when you briefly met her last. What the actual fuck made her freak out like that? And what was with…

A hand comes up to your lips, where you brush your fingers cross your lips.

Your ears burn as the vivid and very recent memory of the vampony’s lips on your comes to mind. You’re not really into ponies…So why did that kiss feel so good?

A pained groan from the floor beside you makes you almost jump out of your skin. Blinking almost drunkedly, she looks around with confusion plastered on her face until her bright, slitted eyes land upon you.

Please don’t be in vampire mode.

“Anon?” she asks with some hesitation. “Hmhm…what happened? And why does my head hurt?” she remarks while rubbing the growing spot just behind her ear.

Oh man… Just how are you going to explain this? ‘Hey, I’ve got no idea why, but you totally tried to get in my pants while trying to suck on parts of my body. No big.’ Yeah, that would go over real well.

“Um…” you begin awkwardly, “I’ve got no idea why, but you totally tried to get in my pants while trying to suck on parts of my body.”

Nice one, dumbass.

Bright blinks incredulously and tilts her head, as if you were slow in the head. “Anon? Are you fe—”

She stops abruptly, frowning for some reason that you can’t discern. A second later, the vampony takes a deep whiff of the air. Her hooves fly to cover her nose with no warning as her face blushes so red that you can see it through her fur.

“A-anon?” she forces out in a stutter, “have y-you had any contact with Major Umbra recently?”

What? How could this situation possibly be related to Umbra?

“Yyyyeeessss?” you slowly answer.

“How r-recent?”

“Yesterday morning, before bed…”

Bright’s red face turns a shaded darker.

“Nothing sexual happened! Promise!” you blurt out after realizing just how your previous statement could be taken.

The conversation lapses into silence with you awkwardly looking at the floor. Bright, meanwhile, looks everywhere but your eyes with her nose still covered. She doesn’t seem too out of it. Maybe her playing dumb was just a way to back out of her botched plan to feed on you.

Damn it all. Ever since Luna let the secret fly, you’ve been getting unsettling looks from every guard you’ve met. Then Umbra told you that some would make attempts on you.

You should have believed her.

You look back down at Bright Night, who still refuses to meet your eyes. How could she do something like this?

The tiniest bit of anger begins to bubble and grow within your chest. You trusted this pony, and look at where it got you. There is no way in hell that she is getting out of this.

Finally, after almost five minutes of nothing said, the pink-eyed vampony clears her throat. “Anon?” she asks, getting your attention. She carefully pulls her hoof from her nose as her face turns to one of remorse. “I… I apologize for that horribly unsightly behavior. It was a severe lapse of control on my part and I should not have done that… Are you injured?”

The small spark of anger in you dies the instant she looks back to you. Ears laid back, shoulders slumped, and eyes shining with unshed tears. No matter how hard you try, the negative emotions that were building up in you simply won’t come back. You should be mad. Livid even, but the only thing you can find is exasperation.

You sigh and pinch the bridge of your nose with a thumb and forefinger. Damn these ponies for being so adorable. “No… I’m fine, Bright. Nothing I can’t just walk off.”

You move your hand and stared down at her with a frown. “But what the actual hell happened back there? You were taking my pulse then you tried to jump me. What made you go berserk like that? Or did you have that planned all along?”

The harsh accusation makes her wince before she recovers and replies. “No no! I would never premeditate something so nefarious! I don’t think I could do such a thing, even if it was for an enemy of the crown. It goes against my oaths as a medic!”

“Then why did you flip out?”

The medic bites her lip and looks away. “That mark…” she starts, “the one on your shoulder. Am I correct in assuming that the major gave that to you?”

Your hand absently hovers up to the crook of your neck and rubs at the still-sore bite mark. Why does it feel hot?

“I’ll let you take a guess at that.”

She nods absently to herself and looks around the room nervously before looking back to you. ”You need to keep that mark clean at all times. It’s still technically an open wound, and as such… it still… it still has the scent of your blood on it.”

You narrow your eyes at her. “And what does that have to do with your freak out?”

She blinks in confusion. “Hmhm? Don’t you remember? Vamponies have very sharp senses. It would be no trouble for any old vampony passerby to catch a whiff and grow hungry. My proximity to you must have… made it severe. ”

Well, at least she answered part of your question. That still doesn’t explain why she kissed you and was so… giggly. Just as you open your mouth to ask, her horn glows with magic and sends your shirt back over your head the wrong way.

As you go to twist the shirt back around the right way, Bright starts to speak again.

“Now, I believe we gone over our allotted time. Once more, I want to offer my sincerest apologies for everything. If I could go back and change it all, I would in a heartbeat.”

“Hold on, you didn’t answ—”

“Remember, keep that wound clean and I urge you to use caution around the castle until this whole mess begins to blow over. Trust me, it may seem like it won’t, b—“

“Would you let me finish my damn sentence!?” you yell as you finally poke your head to the right hole on your shirt.

“—ut I’m sure that it will,” she hastily says over you. “Goodbyeandbesuretosayhellotothemajorforme!”

“Wa—“

Her horn lights up brighter than you’ve ever seen, then the entire room seems to… scrunch in rights onto a point in the center of your chest, leaving nothing but a black void. An instant later, the room shoots back out, taking the form of your bedroom and leaving you right on the edge of your bed.

“—it…”

She really just teleported you. All the way from the infirmary.

You sigh and hold your head in your hands. What in the world are you going to do?

“Fuck!”
___________________________________________________________________________________

“Really?” you recite for the tenth time to the reflection in your bathroom near as you look at the seemingly inflamed mark on your neck.

Even if your current trust in her is shaky, you still carefully washed the circle of tooth marks as Bright told you to. After which, you inspected the supposed source of your problems.

It looks like Umbra really dug into you this time. Rather than the pair of shallow punctures there usually is, you have bright red ring on your neck consisting of what seems to be a full-mouth bite. In other words, all of her teeth sank into you, even the dull ones. The spots where her fangs would be are especially pronounced. If it weren’t for the mild healing properties of vampony saliva, then this would be far worse than what you’ve already got. Hell, she might have bitten off an entire chunk of your flesh!

Unfortunately, you were too exhausted the morning prior to resist the vampony’s harsh treatment. Who knew that exercising with vampires was so trying?

You scowl. She’s getting an ass kicking for being so rough.

You pull the collar of your shirt back up over the red mark as several knocks sound at your bedroom door.

“It’s open!”

The nearly silent sound of the door opening inward echoes throughout the room and into the bathroom, where you still stand in front of the mirror.

”Anon? You here?” Umbra’s unmistakable voice calls out. Speak of the devil and she shall appear.

With a scowl settling onto your face, you walk out into the bedroom and stand with your arms crossed as a fully armored Umbra steps through the doorway.

She leisurely trots in and shuts the door behind her with a gentle kick before seating herself on the carpeted floor. With one deft motion, her armor and helmet are discarded and laid into a messy pile by the door. Finally, her gold eyes look up to your face with a wide grin right beneath them, only for that grin to disappear when she sees the ugly look on your face.

“Something wrong?” she grouses with a raised eyebrow. “You shouldn’t twist your face up like that. It might stick.”

“I think I’ve got bigger problems to be worrying about,” you grumble irritably. “Like how you tore up my neck and how it apparently smells like blood.” You punctuate your statement by pulling down the collar of your shirt and showing off the wound in question, making Umbra take in a hissing breath through her teeth.

You let your shirt go and recross your arms.

“You know what happened while you were gone?” you ask, making her lower her head and shake it. “I was almost mauled, but not by just anyone. Oh no, I almost got tore up by Bright Night, of all ponies. She was pretty devastated afterward. According to her, the smell that this thing is giving off is going to get me a lot of unpleasant attention.”

You obviously omit Bright’s almost drunken and very affectionate demeanor during the episode. No need to go and give everyone the wrong idea…

Umbra’s head shoots up from where it was hung low as her ears point up straight as arrows. She stares at you with shock and confusion and her face as her jaw drops.

“I-I don’t know… what to… I didn’t…”

The major stops and takes a deep breath, seemingly trying to compose herself and think of a reply. After a tense moment, she looks back up at you with conflict in her slitted eyes. “Anon… I never knew that would happen. I know I said that you should be careful from now on, but I didn’t really think that anypony would ACTUALLY act on their urges…”

She looks away towards the window, which shows the nightlife in the city just getting into full swing. Despite the upbeat imagery, her face melts into deep melancholy. Without looking back to you, Umbra pulls her eyes from the sight. “I did it again… I was shortsighted and you, the one I’m supposed to protect, paid the price for it…” A full body shudder runs down her length. “I’m sorry…” Umbra mutters so quietly that you almost didn’t hear her.

You just look down at her with your face not shifting in the slightest.

For once, your anger doesn’t turn into guilt for lashing out, but rather boils down to equal amounts of exhaustion and exasperation. It doesn’t seem to matter what you do anymore, because it’s all just going to get more complicated than it needs to be.

You sigh and slowly drag a hand down your face.

“Look,” you start, getting Umbra’s attention, “I’m not going to say that I’m not upset, because we both know that would be a lie.”

She winces under your flat stare.

“…But that doesn’t mean I’m unwilling to put this aside for now. It’s something we can discuss later when there’s less of a chance of everyone getting worked up. Get what I’m saying?”

She blinks, then looks up at you with eyes glimmering in appreciation as her smile comes back. “I’d like that…”

You nod, and now that the heavy stuff is out of the way for now, you walk back toward your bed and sit on the edge.

Umbra doesn’t even need a prompt, as she crosses the whole room in a single bound and lands gently next to you before settling onto her stomach.

“So what’s new with you? Or better yet, how did that whole promotion thing for the other officer go?”

Umbra hums to herself in thought. “It went well, I guess. This new girl has been rising through the ranks at a steady pace. That’s pretty rare, considering that she was willfully turned.”

Willfully turned? Does that mean what you think it means?

Seeing the question in your eyes, Umbra takes the initiative. “She wasn’t born a vampony, but rather a normal pegasus who wished to become one of us. If I remember right, then she is a young descendant of Captain Smiles,” she says as she idly leans her chilled body into your side.

Despite how drained you are, you can’t help but feel your eyes widen.

“She’s RELATED to that monster?” you remark more to yourself than Umbra. “Yeesh, at least we know she’s got good genes going for her.”

Umbra frowns when you call Smiles a monster, but silently lets it slide. “I wouldn’t chalk it up to just that, as she’s pretty young, meaning her connection to Captain Smiles is pretty distant. She’s only around thirty years old, if her pre-transformation looks are anything to go by.”

“And you’re okay with someone like that taking your old reigns?”

Umbra slides her head from its place against you up to gaze at your curious face. “I’m not sure how humans run their militaries and whatnot, but in the Lunar Guard, we base positions and rewards based on personal achievement. She did well in the evaluation and seemed eager to take over the company, even if it means a giant hike in her responsibilities.”

Huh. Whatever floats her boat, you guess. How a foreign military runs itself is not something you really should be questioning. One more thing…

“Well?” you ask with a raised eyebrow.

“Well what?”

“Who is this new mare in charge of the 663rd?”

“Oh!” Umbra exclaims. “Why didn’t you ask before?”

“Because that would just be too easy.”

The vampony lets out a snort and lightly jabs you in the thigh. “Stallions… Anyway, Orchid is her name, and she’s a pending second lieutenant as of tonight.”

Her name seems familiar for the oddest reason, but you can’t seem to place a face with it. It’s tickling you at the back of your mind and it’s probably going to bug you until you remember.

“Name’s familiar, but not much else.”

“It’s not a big deal, she’s not one to stand out much. Lighter than normal coat, pegasus, medium length pale pink mane. Ringing any bells?”

Close, but no cigar.

You shake your head, making Umbra continue. “Voice just a bit higher than mine with a Manehattan accent?”

Almost…

“Kinda, but still not remembering that well.”

“Ah! Her most distinguishing feature is her emerald green eyes. You can spot them from anywhere!”

For a reason you can’t fathom, a foreboding shiver runs down your spine at the exclamation.

Author's Note

Yeah, I took forever. Better late than never, though. I know that a whole lot of nothing is happening right now, but believe me when I say that will change...

You know the drill. Find any tucking fypos, tell me what you thought, what you think is going on, and any other thing pertaining to the story that you want to be known.

Till next time.

Chapter 7

"Okay, so this chick is an enchanter. Fill me in a little bit on what that means."

Umbra turns her eyes towards you. "Normally, an enchanter is somepony who is especially gifted at weaving magic into inanimate objects. There are different uses for enchanted objects, depending on the spell inside of them and the material used."

Etch takes over. "Considering that miss Glimmer uses gemstones, which can hold potent spells especially well, it's no wonder that she was targeted for a robbery."

You frown. "So is this guy packing some really expensive grenades, or what? I really want to know just what we are about to be up against."

"Well..." Etch fidgets nervously in his chair, "Miss Glimmer is an enchanter of moderate renown who makes various types of enchanted gems. They're useful little baubles that everypony has need of. Both for powering magic-based devices and the energy inside can be absorbed for a quick pick-me-up if needed. As for the whole 'exploding' part... When overloaded, magic charged gems can react poorly..."

A sigh escapes your lips. "So this dude is carrying energy shots that double as frags. That's real nice."

Fleur lightly clears her throat, drawing the tables attention to her. "No need to be so glum. I doubt that a crook would be so willing to turn his ill-gotten goods into weapons unless well and truly cornered." The tall unicorn stands, then inclined her head to you and Umbra. "My thanks for leading me to the Artisans District. I must be off to find my appointment for tonight. Besides, I would be of little use in a criminal investigation. I will leave this in your capable hooves."

You reach a hand out to stop her, a warning about the danger of wandering alone with a robber on the loose on your tongue. Before you even get the first syllable out, the model is gone.

You roughly retake your seat with a huff, making the small metal chair groan under your weight.

Umbra pats your arm with a hoof. "It's fine, Anon. she can handle herself," she says, as if reading your thoughts.

A model, out on the streets after dark, with a robber ballsy enough to steal from an apparently powerful unicorn. What could go wrong with that situation?

"Did I ever tell you about the time that my sister told me about a group of muggers that were wondering around town? I didn't believe her, then went outside. No shit, there was like forty of them."

The Major rolls her golden eyes at your completely truthful and not in any way fictional story, then turns back to Fine Etch. "Alright, Etch. Care to lead us to the crime scene so we can take a look around? If we could talk to Glimmer as well, that would really help us."

The batstallion rapidly nods his head. "Yes! Of course! Follow me and I'll show you everything."

Both of the vamponies jump out of their seats and take off towards the alley at a brisk pace. Brisk for vamponies, at least.

"Wha? HEY! WAIT!" You yell after them, sprinting out of your chair and hoping you can catch up to the pair of ponies rocketing away.

Vampires are bullshit. At least that's what you've decided.

Finally you, Umbra, and Etch all reached the alley. The pair of ponies barely look winded. You on the other hand, put your hands on your knees and gasp for breath. Stupid overpowered vampony... EVERYTHING.

"Huff... Fuck vamponies..." You curse under your breath.

Umbra looks over her shoulder to you, a saucy grin on her face. "Weeelllll if you really want to~!"

You flush red and show her your middle finger as a reply, not caring that she won't get the insult.

"You can go..." You pause for breath. "...right to hell. I'm still pissed at you."

The major's ears flicked backward for second, but her grin didn't wane.

Etch clears his throat, fighting away red on his own cheeks as he looks between you and Umbra. "Yes, well, if we can get going?"

You straighten yourself upward and gesture with a hand for him to lead on.

As you and the guard follow the stallion, you finally get a good chance to take a look at the alley that Luna sunk so much money into. Like last time, many of the shops seemed unoccupied. A rare few still seem to be in the middle of construction. The few that actually show signs of being owned are currently closed up despite signs displaying work hours saying they should be open. Deeper into the alley, your group comes to a fork in the road. A currently open coffee shop marks the beginning of the split.

Etch turns to the right of the coffee shop, venturing deeper with you and Umbra the following along.

The further along you travel, the more damaged and run down the street becomes, becoming something you would expect of modern Detroit. The dim night that you've become used to seems strange and frightening now. Not even the light from the moon can cut through the shadows covering the rows of buildings. The low sounds you hear all over the place either echo ominously or fade immediately with no middle ground.

You nudge Umbra with a hand.

"Hey, are you getting a creepy vibe from this place? I know that all of this looks like shit, but it feels even worse than it should."

Umbra frowns and nods, both of her ears swiveling to the right towards a sound only she can hear. "Yeah. This definitely doesn't seem like the ideal place to set up shop for a gem enchanter of all ponies. I'm honestly unsurprised that there was a robbery down here.”

A trashcan somewhere falls over. The sound makes you jump and makes Umbra and Etch whirl around to face it. Umbra's movement is so violent that the cobblestone underneath her hooves is almost torn from the ground.

You turn around as well, just barely catching the tail of some animal dashing between a pair of half collapsed buildings.

Both of the vamponies in your company scan around, eyes and ears probably picking up countless things that you missed. After a few moments, they both relax and resume walking forward.

Holy hell. You raise a hand to your chest, feeling your heart beat so fast that we could almost be mistaken for a heart attack. 'Like, zoinks Scoob' doesn't even begin to cover just how freaked out you're getting. This was just supposed to be a quick check up on some poor unicorn who had the objects of her work stolen from her. Not a walk down an alley that seems out to scare you to death.

You take a minute step closer to Umbra and Etch.

"Ha! Haha...ha..." Etch chuckles nervously. "Nothing to worry about. I'm certain that was a cat or something. Certainly not some monster that may want to brutally maim us and eat our bones. No no no not at all!"

Did your heart just stop? Because you’re pretty sure your heart just stopped.

Umbra slowly turned her head to stare flatly at her fellow vampony. "Etch?"

"... Yes, major?"

"Shut up and walk."

"Yes ma'am!"

Not another word is spoken during the trip.

"This is the place?" You ask, referring to the rather rundown looking shop practically at the very end of the alley way.

"Indeed it is. Miss Glimmer may not be much for aesthetics," Etch says, looking at a spider web on the window, "but she's definitely a rising star in the field of enchanting."

You frown. "Aren't there sanitary inspections for shops around here? Back home, if a licensed place didn't keep up to standards, they were often shut down."

"We do, and Glimmer's shop is just above the passing threshold."

"So, the classic 'D's get degrees' way of doing things, eh?" You ask with a nostalgic grin. "It's kind of like high school all over again."

Umbra looks up at you with a raised eyebrow. "Really? I always took you as the nerdy type."

"Believe me," you say, "I was a nerd, that is not synonymous with 'overachiever'."

The guard snorts in amusement and turns back to the rickety door of the shop, knocking on it a few times with a forehoof.

Not a second later, the wildest unicorn you had ever seen practically rips the door open, nearly making you jump out of your skin and almost tearing the door off its hinges.

Purple, is the first thing you think.

The wild-eyed unicorn in the doorway is nothing but shades of purple. Her thick, messy mane and tail only add to the appearance.

The worst part, however, was the wide, bowel loosening grin on her face. All in all...

She looks like a serial killer who just found her next victim.

"Welp. Great work everyone! Lets get back to the Mystery Machine."

Umbra casually wraps a forehoof around your leg, preventing you from turning and sprinting away like hell was on your heels. "Good evening, miss!" Umbra starts jovially. "I'm major Umbra. The gentlecolts with me are Fine Etch, whom I believe you already know, and a friend of mine, Anonymous. I believe you reported a robbery recently?"

The grin on the unicorn's face twitches the slightest bit, before growing. You swear that she's purposely trying to show all of her perversely white and uniform teeth. "Indeed I did..." The unicorn states, dragging her eyes across your group. "I am Glimmer, and some miscreant did burglarize my establishment. I assume you're all here to resolve that?"

Glimmer's voice is as smooth as silk, yet you can't help but feel like someone is rubbing sandpaper in your ears.

Umbra nods. "Yep. We were actually hoping to investigate the scene of the crime if you are willing to let us."

The owner of the tiny store says nothing, but moves out of the way of the door and bows her head.

Once all of your party is inside, you take a look around to see what you're dealing with.

The room is small and dim, a single pink crystal jutting from the ceiling provides a low amount of light, just enough to cast blotchy shadows over much of the area. Glass display cases line the walls, many of them broken into and missing the precious gems within. A few of the smaller cases seem to have been spared the fate of their larger counterparts, as some of them still have gems inside.

You walk up to the nearest one and inspect a fine cut topaz as large as your thumb.

What seems to be lightning dances and writhes within the confines of the jewel. Miniature bolts ricochet around inside, bouncing off the facets of the gem in a constant path. Fascinated, you touch the display case just in front of the topaz. It's warm.

"Here is where my most valuable wares were stolen." Glimmer's pleasant but unsettling voice pulls your attention away from the electrified stone and back towards the group.

The three ponies stand in front of a smashed open case devoid of any jewels.

Umbra walks a bit closer and scrutinizes the case closely as Glimmer continues to talk.

"It was three hours ago, Just as I was walking here, I saw the bastard make away with a bag of my work over his shoulder." The enchanter's creepy grin becomes strained as her horn sparks dangerously. "He was quite fleet of foot. It was good for him, for if I had captured him..."

You and Etch slowly edge away from the unicorn.

Umbra either doesn't notice the magic discharge, or doesn't care. She deftly scratches notes into the notebook held in her wing without looking up. "So, the perpetrator was a stallion? Any more information on his looks?"

Glimmer narrows her eyes. "Of course. He was of average height, and had dark-colored fur. I could not see his mane or tail as both were covered."

You frown. Idly, you note that you’ve been doing that alot lately. "Well, that doesn't really tell us much. Is there a possible motive for the robbery? Any ponies that might have a problem with you?"

"None that I can think of."

Well, this just came to a dead end. You sigh.

Umbra is quick to keep the conversation going. "Alright then. Do we have your permission to take a look around?"

The creepy unicorn nods. "But of course, major. If I am needed for any reason, I will be in the back continuing my work.” With that, Glimmer abruptly turns and makes her way through a door in the back of the room that you had missed earlier.

"Well, you heard her, boys. Take a look around for anything out of place. Other than the smashed case and the glass everywhere, that is."

Etch seems unsure of what he should be doing, and awkwardly glances around. Since that's not your problem, you ignore him and join Umbra in examining the smashed case.

"A fine mess this is. No glass cutters or any other classy shit like that?"

The vampony at your side snorts in amusement. "I think you've watched one too many heist flicks, Anon. For a normal crook, a smash-n-grab like this is considerably more common. It's not like they were breaking into the bank or something."

You raise an eyebrow.

"You and everyone else was making such a fuss about these enchanted gems being stolen that I figured this would be a little more... Elegant."

Another thought strikes you. "In fact, if these things are so dangerous and valuable, why aren't they under tighter security?"

The guard shrugs, her armor clinking as she does so. "Blame the ass backward government. Did you know that if you're not part of the military, you need to do a psych eval if you want to purchase a crossbow with more than a hundred and ten pounds of draw weight? But it's just fine for civilians to purchase stuff like this."

You can't even feel angry about that one, having questioned stuff like that all the time back on earth.

Umbra looks up at you, her expression clearly stating 'I expected nothing and I'm still disappointed'.

"Bureaucracy."

"I couldn't agree more."

Ponderings on the collective IQ of every government everywhere finished, the batpony brings her notebook to bear and scans over the busted display case.

You watch as her slitted pupils dart between seemingly random points, probably catching all sorts of things that you would've missed.

"Anon? Major?"

You both turn at the sound of Etch's voice.

He glances out the door and then back to you. "I'm not sure that I'm going to be any help here. I'm not much of a detective. I'm going to go and inform the other District overseers that this is being investigated, and maybe stop the rumor mill from getting any more ridiculous."

Well, if he's got things to do, you can't very rightly keep him here. "Do what you have to, we should be okay here."

The vampony stallion smiles, bidding you and Umbra a goodbye before he trots away.

Now that Etch is gone, you and Umbra return to your work.

With the guard occupied with the case, you turn your attention elsewhere in hopes of finding something and contributing.

The smashed glass doesn't seem to hold any secrets. Since fingerprinting is something that simply can't be done with hooves, there's little hope of trying to find something there.

Checking the floor itself, you see that it's hardwood and fairly clean. There are no imprints of hooves in it and no dust on the ground to leave hoofprints in.

You scowl and crane your head around, taking in the sight of the walls, the front desk, and the old cash register.

Nothing outstanding.

Except for the thick book next to the cash register.

"Hmm..."

You walk over to the front desk and take a look at the rather innocent looking book. In the front is a label that says "Customer Logs". This might actually be worth something.

Opening the book, you flip through a few pages. Each one has a list of names, what each name purchased, and how much they paid.

"Hey, Umbra."

The mare turns her head to look at you curiously.

"Check this out. This has some info on who's been around here lately."

With a leap over the broken glass, the guard lands next to you and carefully looks over the pages. She places her forelegs on the counter to look closer at the book. Not long after, a frown finds its way to her pretty face.

... Wait. Pretty?

"Anon, this is information on Glimmer's customers. You should have asked permission before looking at this." Her voice cuts off any further thoughts.

"We're trying to track down who robbed the joint. I don't think she's going to care."

That, and you REALLY don't want to talk to her again.

Fuck that creepy Joker grin.

"Anon..." Umbra in a warning tone, the same one all women use when pushed.

"God dammit..." You turn your head and take a deep breath. "Glimmer! It's all right if we look at your logs, right?!" You yell through the door to the back room.

A faint "Do what you must!" is the reply.

You give Umbra a smug glance that she steadfastly ignores.

With free reign to peer inside of the book, you glance over the list of names and the items purchased in hopes of finding some sort of pattern.

Most of the purchases seem innocent. A battery gem for a well-known engineer. Numerous light producing gems for other shops in the area. Even a shielding gem for Princess Luna. Knowing the princess and her kooky magic experiments, that was no big surprise.

One name does stand out, however.

Once a day, a pony by the name of 'Outback' would come in, buy something cheap, and promptly leave. None of the items made sense, either. A light gem, a heating gem, a gem that produced a wailing siren sound, and in other single use trinkets.

You look over at Umbra. "So, does this seem suspicious to you?"

She nods. "It seems like that whoever this pony is, he was scoping out the area for a robbery. The things he bought were probably a cover to keep suspicion down. After all, it just looks weird if you walk into a place once a day then leave without buying anything." The mare shakes her head. "We shouldn't jump to conclusions, though. All we have is a suspicion and no evidence."

She takes her forelegs of the counter and lets her front fall back to the ground with an uncharacteristic stumble. The vampony huffs in annoyance, but regains her balance easily enough.

"You alright?"

Before she can respond, a growl echoes around the small room, forcing you to tense up in fright.

"Please tell me it's not behind me."

Umbra's flushes red as she looks at the floor, another growl rumbling so ferociously that you can feel it from the floor. "T-that... That was me..."

You blink.

"That was...?"

She nods, still not looking at you. So that's where the stumble came from.

You cross your arms, looking at her with a raised eyebrow. "If you were hungry, why didn't you tell me before we left the Castle?"

The major looks up at you, an apologetic expression on her face. "After the whole fiasco with the warrant officer, I figured you'd be upset if I asked for a feeding so soon afterward. I really am sorry about that, and I don't want to push you if you don't want to."

Oh come on.

"Yes, you're right, I'm not happy with how things turned out," you say with a sigh, making Umbra shrink a bit on herself.

"However, I'm not just going to cut you off like that. If you're hungry, you need to say so. I'm your friend, and I don't like it when you suffer. Even if it's just something small like hunger." you explain to her with sympathy.

She looks back up to you, the red on her cheeks lessening as she gives you a small smile.

"Just don't take a fucking chunk out of my neck like you tried last time."

The smile turned into a bright grin, one that you can't help but mirror. Too bad Umbra's stomach can't help but rumble again, thoroughly killing the moment.

"Heh, sorry." The guard says sheepishly.

...Lets get dangerous.

Taking a glance behind you, you see the door that Glimmer is behind is still shut with no signs of opening, or even any signs of an occupant behind it. The bits of street you can see through the windows seem equally deserted.

Slowly, you sink into a sitting position with your back against the front counter and cross your legs. While moving downward, you're careful to avoid any broken glass.

Umbra looks at you in confusion, which turns the realization as you tilt your head to the side and beckon her closer with a hand.

"Anon... are you sure?" she asks, bewildered. "We're not in the Castle..."

"Gee, I didn't notice," you you tell her, sarcasm dripping from each word. "Now hurry up before I change my mind."

For a moment, you just get a blank stare. She then starts forward cautiously, as if expecting a prank, then darts into your lap so fast that you don't even see her move.

You feel the vampony's lips curl into a smile she presses her chilled muzzle against your neck, just below the still raw bite wound from yesterday.

"Thank you..."

She sniffs at the slowly pulsing arteries making you stifle a snicker at the ticklish sensation. Her fangs gently dig into the soft flesh of your neck, producing a brief sting that earns hardly a wince from you. You wrap your arms around her to keep her steady, making the pony press herself harder to you. Probably to soak up all the warmth she can.

One. Two. Three. Four.

Four mouthfuls of your blood are lost to the little vampire, who then pulls her fangs from their spots embedded in you. The tiny beads of blood still oozing from the punctures are slowly lapped up by her. Once the bleeding stops, Umbra simply rests her head against your chest.

A few minutes pass without issue.

"...You know, we should probably go report what we found."

The pony takes a moment to respond. "We should," she says sluggishly. "The police would be better suited for this. Having a team dedicated to crime scenes and all."

"An excellent decision, in my humble opinion."

Both you and the pony in your arms jump at the sudden third voice.

Looking up, you see Glimmer staring down at you from over the counter, grin as wide as ever. "I don't suppose you would be interested in an amulet that replenishes blood, would you? Or maybe… one for fertility?”

Author's Note

Oh god what am I doing.

You know the drill. Please point out mistakes. For everyone who pointed out things in old chapters, I'm getting to it.

Chapter 8

“Bitch!”

You kick the trashcan next to the gem shop with a furious yell, sending the now dented container across the street and throwing garbage everywhere.

Umbra manages to look up at you past the red in her face. “That’s littering, Anon,” she says with a small frown.

You’d give her a scowl, but the burning in your ears tells you that your face is still flushed with embarrassment. Why did that fucking unicorn have to do that? To hell with her.

“Yeah, yeah. I know. When did you become a cop?” You ask her with a raised brow.

Umbra mimics your expression as she starts walking. “Someone needs to keep you in line. You know a real cop would have nailed you for that,” she says, the red tint on her face fading. “Speaking of cops, we should probably get these notes,” she shakes her wing with the notebook clutched under it, “to the police and let them take it from here. We haven't got the same clearance they do for criminal investigations.”

You offer a shrug. “Fair enough.”

The trip to the front of the Artisan’s District is a slow one, but it’s far less nerve wracking than the trip inside.

“Well, that sure was fun…” Umbra snarks to no one as you and her exit the main office of the Canterlot PD. Her hoofsteps are heavy and annoyed on the cracked concrete ground, making a distinct clink! sound from her shoes.

“At least it’s out of our hands,” you offer with a shrug, idly playing with the tiny red gem now hanging around your neck on a simple string. “We did our part. Now it’s up to the cops to do the rest. Catching some burglar seems a little above the guard, doesn't it? Even if it’s expensive stuff being stolen.”

Umbra looks backwards at the police station as you and her walk. The ugly, concrete building stands in sharp contrast to the usual grand architecture of the of the Equestrian capital, making one wonder why it was made that way.

She returns her attention forward with an irritated click of her tongue. “Call me crazy,” the little vampire starts, “but I get the feeling that the investigation is not going anywhere anytime soon.” She’s silent for a few more steps before chiming in again. “Something just seems off with that whole mess, you know what I mean? The PD might be good at keeping the busy work off the guard, but I get the feeling that this is going to go beyond they can do.”

“Oh well,” you reply, not really caring, and even a bit happy to be out of that obvious fiasco in the works. “It’s their problem now. Poor suckers.”

“Issues the PD can't handle tend to get a run through the guard if they’re bad enough,” Umbra dryly quips with a twitch of her wings. “It’s just takes time, which is why I questioned why I had to sit through two hours worth of questioning with some sleepy detective after running back all the way back to talk to Glimmer, again!” She stops to take a much needed breath. “This is just going to snowball and hit the guard anyway.”

“I thought you said the guard doesn't have the same clearance the police do for criminal investigations?” You ask then shrug uncaringly. “Good thing you're not technically on active duty, and thus, WILL be missed by that gay shit.” you grin back to her. “I can do with less crazy, thank you.”

“‘Fraidy cat.”

You debate trying to trip your guard, but reluctantly toss the idea out when you realize that you’ll probably just bruise your foot on her foreleg.

“Yeah, well… Fuck you,” you reply, suddenly finding the cobblestone street more interesting than Umbra.

“Oh, my Anon~!” She says, mockingly scandalized. “Right out here on the street? How forward,” she titters behind a hoof like a schoolgirl. “But if you insist…”

Your palm is violently introduced to your face as you feel heat beginning to surface on your cheeks. Why did you not see that response coming? “I really do hate you sometimes,” you grumble, dodging around a walking earth pony wearing a backpack. “Why do you feel the need to make me suffer?”

“If you consider the chance for a romp with me to be “suffering” then I don’t think I can really do worse, seeing as how you’re obviously insane,” she sniffs. “Really, suggesting such a thing to a mare then chickening out and not following through?”

“You’re a mare?”

Umbra blinks, realization flashing across her face. “Ohhhhhhh so that’s why you want me. Did Bright check your eyes when you saw her last?”

Again, your face burns so red that you're sure it’s luminescent. You were sure that one would trip her up at least a little.

Umbra notices your internal plight and stifles a giggle. “I’ve been at the banter game for a lot longer than you have, Anon. You’ll win one eventually.” She bumps your thigh with her armored flank, a clink sound following. “But there’s no shame in losing to an expert like me.”

“Expert at what? Being a pain in my ass?” you mumble, knowing she heard when you see her tuft-tipped ear flick. “Where are you leading me, anyway?” You ask at a normal volume, looking around the somewhat unfamiliar street you’ve found yourself on. It’s filled with older, rougher buildings with a number of gruff ponies around, a noteworthy number being both day and night guards. From somewhere, a band can be heard playing. At the very end of the street is a fenced drop-off right off the side of Canterlot, meaning you're at the edge of the city. Even the usual night gloom seems to hang heavier here, with only the streetlights keeping the inky dark at bay.

“I was following you…” Your guard says, now taking notice of her surroundings as well. “And you lead us right into the shady bar district. Nice. I could use a drink after repeating myself to the idiot at the police station five hundred times,” she says with a fanged grin

Now, she takes the lead, trotting ahead and looking back at you. “Come on! If we’re lucky, we’ll run into some friends.”

Taking a look around at the rough crowd that favors this place, and noticing glares sent your way, you gulp and follow Umbra closely.

Trailing right behind the guard, you watch her swivel her ears around, taking in countless sounds with a thoughtful expression on her face. Her gait suddenly slows to a sedated walk, nearly making you run at the abrupt change of pace. Finally, she smiles as her ears both turn, facing a small pub set between what looks like a condemned building fit for squatters and a thinly veiled brothel.

Walking up to the solid iron door of the pub, which held an oh-so-charming sign saying “The Ripoff” which is half covered in rust, Umbra knocks on it.

After a moment, something shuffles around inside and a slot on the door opens, letting a light blue slitted eye peer out. The eye falls on Umbra first, then travels to you and widens.

“Who’s the tall one?” a stallion asks behind the door with a deep, almost guttural voice.

“My charge,” Umbra replies simply, her stance relaxed and gold eyes closed. “Surely you know by now?”

Just where the hell is this little bat leading you? You can't help but wonder with a bit of worry. She wouldn't purposely lead you into danger, but this whole place as a strange vibe.

Usually, strange vibes are NOT good.

“Heh, who doesn't?” The deep-voiced stallion returns her question with one of his own. “You sure you wanna bring him in here? Poor two-leg will get eaten alive. Literally.”

“Hold the fuck up!” You cry, waving your arms in an X “Time out! What was that about being eaten alive?!” You exclaim, making both your guard and the hidden stallion look at you.

Umbra sighs and rolls her eyes as she turns back to the eye watching from behind the door. “Did you have to say that?” She asks, unamused. “Now you’ve gone and freaked my human out. Do you really think anypony will mess with him with me at his side? Because I don't think they’ll even entertain the thought. Besides, I haven't been here since I started my latest assignment,” the Major finishes, wrapping a foreleg around your own leg.

The guard’s words and light embrace soothe your nerves some, but if this place is what you think it is, then your blood pressure is going to shoot through the roof.

And puncture wounds don't mix well with such blood pressure.

The stallion’s eye narrows thoughtfully. “I can think of a few, but none of them hang around here much anymore. If you’re wanting in, then fine. You were warned, though.”

With a metallic clank, the slot shuts, and a second later the sound of a huge lock’s tumbler being turned echoes hollowly from inside. Then another. Then a third. Finally, the door creaks inward on groaning hinges, shaking some of the rust on the front off.

Umbra grins up at you and tugs your jeans with her fanged mouth, beckoning you to follow. Not that you have much of a choice.

A sigh escapes your lips as you follow the vampony into the pitch black of the building, the door shutting promptly after and sending everything into shadow. You have to rely on the faint glint Umbra’s luminescent eyes cast to keep up in the dark interior. As you walk, you glance back to see who was guarding the door, only to see a single blue eye and a pearly white fanged smirk floating in the dark.

Goosebumps break out along your body, so you quickly turn away and return to following the faint gold glow ahead of you.

“So, Umbra?” You ask the near invisible in the dark mare ahead of you.

“Mmhm?”

“What is this place?”

“An old hangout,” she answers, her glowing orbs glancing over her shoulder. “It moves around occasionally, and I haven't been here since we met. This is a new spot.”

“What sort of hang out?” you ask warily, still unable to see. “I’m not about to get jumped, am I? I got enough of that back in high school, thanks.”

She snorts. “Oh Anon; not everything is out to get you.”

“I’ve heard that one before…” You mutter as you strain your ears for something other than oppressive silence. To your surprise, you actually start to hear… Talking, shuffling, and the clinking of glass?

“Alright, the stairs are right here, so don’t tr-!”

The warning comes a second too late, and you do the one thing she tried to warn you about and slip on the unexpected first step.

“Shit!”

By pure reflex, you wrap your arms around the no-doubt shocked Umbra as you fall, locking your embarrassing and painful fates together.

“-IIIIP! Oof!”

Both you and the bat pony tumble down the unforgiving wooden stairs that seem to go on forever in a heap of flailing limbs and pained noises. Despite the cuddly vampire being ten times more durable than you, you still try to shield her in a hug as you both go down.

“Ow! I said watch your step!” Umbra cries. “Why did you drag me with you!?”

“It was reflex! I didn’t even thin-!” You wince when you smack against the wall especially hard. “Think! It just happened!” You manage to get out before you both tumble one last time and finally come to a stop. When the world stops spinning, you find your face buried in something cool with something fleshy poking your mouth.

It’s silent for a moment as you try to catch your breath and let your rattled brain make sense of what just happened. Fucking hell that sucked something fierce.

Around you is quiet whisperings, no doubt about your pratfall. Then one voice shatters the quiet in the worst way possible.

“Yeah, boy! Git’er done!”

An echoing roar of cheers, whistles, and laughter follows, forcing you to pull your face up and look around. What greets your still half-dazed eyes is a bar full of vamponies and the occasional normal pony, all of them pointing and hooting and hollering.

Right at you and Umbra.

You turn to your guard with a squint and a silent question primed, absentmindedly noting that she landed on her back. Your question is rebuffed, though, since the vampony is staring down, her face nuclear red and contrasting sharply with the short, cobalt mane covering her eyes. What does she look so embarrassed about? The fall? The noise over it? That shouldn't faze...her…

“Oh…”

Looking down, you see just where you were resting a moment ago. Right between Umbra’s legs, and smack dab on the pair of soft mounds usually hidden between them.

“Well shit.”

You shoot to your feet and pull Umbra up in an instant, setting her on her hooves and swiftly dragging her to an empty table near the back, heedless of the stallions you pass patting you on the back and the comments they pepper you with.

“Need a wheelbarrow for those balls, bud?”

“Look at this guy! I bet he could prench a tiger and get away with it!”

“Git’er done!” shouts the same bombastic stallion from the first time with a hoofpump.

Each one who speaks up just makes the red on your face travel up your ears and down your neck since the human face can only hold so much blood. They all shut up when a room-rattling growl filled with fury rumbles out of Umbra’s throat. The three vocal ones even go bone white when she lifts her head and spears them with a glowing-eyed, fang-bearing scowl. You’re surprised she hasn’t broken your grip and made a run for the closest one.

“Hey, come on,” you tell her lowly. The guardsmare squeaks when you loop an arm around her middle and carry her with you the rest of the way. “No murder. You said this is a bar, right? Let’s get trashed and forget it ever happened.”

In the very back of the establishment and against a wall is a round, unoccupied table surrounded by chairs, one of which your drop your armful of pony into. You take your own seat right across from her, but keep your eyes averted from hers. Instead, you take the time to let your still flushed face drain and inspect the bar.

‘Cool’ would be the first word to describe it. Both cool as in being interesting, and in the theme. The low light, pale blue stone walls and the subtle chill of the underground location made for a soothing setting. The bar itself, manned by an older looking vampony mare, is in the middle of the room as a hollow island. A shelf that wraps around itself stands in the center of the island, filled with glass bottles and flanked with barrels large enough for someone to drown in. In the far corner, a record stereo fills the air with the voice of a singer you can't place but sounds like a pony Sinatra.

Only a few minutes later the leers and chatter about the fall have stopped, as all the other patrons return to their previous conversations. It leaves the room back in the dull roar you’d expect in a bar.

You take a deep breath and glance over to Umbra, who hesitantly lets her eyes meet yours.

Time to face the music.

“I’m sorry!” Both you and Umbra say at once, then blink in confusion. “You’re sorry? But that wasn’t your fault!” You both exclaim.

Silence falls over the table. For several minutes, there’s nothing but the sounds of the other conversations around the room and the clinking of glasses.

One of the waitresses milling about, a lithe vampony mare with a jeweled choker and auburn mane, eventually stops by the table with a small notebook held in a leathery wing. “Anything I can get you two?” She asks politely.

“Something strong?” you ask to the mare across from you.

“Something very strong.” She confirms simply.

You turn to the waitress. “Surprise us.”

The waitress nods knowingly, jotting down the simple order. “Don’t you worry at all, you two. I know exactly what you need,” she says with a smile, closing the notebook and weaving through ponies for the bar.

With her gone, you turn back to Umbra. “So, are we just going to dance around what happened all night? It was just an accident, right?”

The major takes a deep breath and lets it out, twiddling her front hooves in a distinctly not-Umbra display of nerves. “It was,” she concludes. “An accident I mean. I should have caught you, though,” she grumbles with a frown.

“Maybe I shouldn't have tripped,” you offer with a wave at yourself. “But oh well, no taking it back now.”

“I guess not,” your guard agrees, her voice growing lighter with the smile slowly finding it’s way on her face. A sudden thought seems to catch her, making the little bat scrunch her muzzle as a bit of pink returns to her cheeks. “Anon?”

“Hmm?”

“When we fell and stopped, did you..?” Her cheeks are fully red now. “What I mean is, well… I sorta...Did you..?”

You lean forward, anticipation growing in you as she tried to find the words she wants.

“Well well, lookie here!” A new and cheerful voice interrupts. “If it ain’t miss major herself and her bestie-n-breakfast. Good on ya for earlier, string bean. I’m more of a flank kind of guy myself, though.”

“Tisk tisk, brother. Having the tastes of a common plebeian is simply deplorable,” the exact same voice says. “At least pretend to have respectable preferences.”

“Coming from the stallion who puts ketchup on his steak?”

“We agreed to not talk about that…”

Your head turns so fast towards the new arrivals that your neck pops. Standing just to the side of the table, each one sporting an identical grin, is a pair of tall vampony stallions who are practically mirrors of each other. Both sport the iconic gray coat of vamponies, a pair of dark green eyes each, same sized bat wings, and plain brown wind-blown manes. Neither is wearing any armor or clothes, so the only why you could tell them apart was the nick missing from the ear of the one on the right.

“Shank? Sham?” Umbra questions with a furrowed brow. “What are you two doing here? I thought you were out in the field?” Her expression turns sour. “We were having a private conversation as well.”

“Well, we WERE out and about on our dear moon lady’s orders,” Shank, on the right says with a casual shrug of his wings. “But…”

“Some things happened, and one thing leads to another annnnnnd the individual we were supposed to tail was caught in a house fire,” Sham finishes. “Poor bloke, went too soon, yada yada…” he says insincerely. “A shame… I guess. Got us put on admin leave for a bit. Why didn’t you save him, Shank?”

“Oi. I told you to do it.”

“Well, I didn’t, so it fell to you.”

You turn away from them a bit, hoping they didn’t notice your discomfort at the casual admittance of letting someone perish in a fire.

“And a private convo, major?” Shank asks with a lopsided grin and a shake of his head. “In The Ripoff? A deep hang? Come now, that’s tripe and you know it,” he says, pulling out a chair for himself as his brother did the same next to him. “Either way, we’ve never meet feedbag here, mind doing the honors, Major U?”

Feedbag?

Umbra narrows her eyes at them. “Anon, this is Shank,” she points to the one closer to you with the nicked ear, who grins, “and Sham,” the one closer to her grins as well. “Professional headaches for high command,” she says in a clipped tone.

“Amen!” both say as one.

“And you both seem to already know Anon…”

“Really now, who doesn't?” Sham asks as Shank flags down a waitress. “It’s not everyday space and time loses it’s shite and leaves behind an alien. The whole city’s heard, and word even got all the way down to the countryside.”

He nudges your shoulder with a hoof. “You’re becoming a legend without any effort, friendo. Soon you’ll have cults and fanatic mares making long sojourns to have your foals, you know that?”

“Yeah, I doubt that,” you respond dryly. “I don't stick my dick in crazy. Personal rule of mine.”

“No D for loonies, eh?” Shank asks with a raised eyebrow and upturned lips. “Little late for that one,” he snickers, nodding towards Umbra.

“It’s not like that. We’re not-!” You and your guard say in sync, stopping halfway and meeting eyes when you realize it.

Both of the vampony twins hold their forelegs in front of their muzzles, vainly trying to stifle their mirth. While they’re doing that, the same lithe waitress happens by with a bottle of clear liquor in a pink label, a pair of shot glasses, and two frothing tankards balanced across her open wings.

“Sorry about how long it took to get back,” she apologizes to you and Umbra. “I had to run to the back to get this,” the waitress says, sliding the clear bottle between yourself and the guard. The tankards go to the delighted brothers before the mare departs.

“Anyway…” Shank starts again, his lopsided smirk bearing a single fang. “You sure you ain’t doing the monster mash with the fair major, string bean? Because THAT,” he points to the liquor bottle with a wingtip, “tells a whole ‘nother story it does.”

“What?” You frown and nab the bottle by it’s neck, pulling it closer to inspect it. Honestly, it seems like a normal bit of liquid courage. Or so you think until you see the label.

‘The Marriage Fixer - 110 proof’
‘Drink till you forget why you were fighting’
‘Saving relationships and promoting liver cleansings since 790 A.N.’

“Is this for fucking real?” You ask with your face screwed up in incredulous awe. “The universe is laughing at me now. I know it.”

“Pfffft! Ain’t the only thing having a laugh, mate!”

If the pair of stallions were laughing before, they’re in table pounding stitches now as they lose all composure. Sham even coughs so hard after inhaling his drink that he looks like he might vomit, but goes right back to laughing afterward.

You set the bottle down and cover your face with a hand, trying to will a headache coming on to go away.

“Fuck it. I don’t even care anymore.”

Brows furrowed, you wonder why your voice came out so… feminine. When Umbra leaps over the table to the chair on your other side with a flat look on her usually happy face, you realize that it’s her that was talking. “Are you picking up curses from me?” You ask, turning to her with a perturbed look. “Don’t. It makes me feel like I’m teaching swears to children for funzies.”

The mare snorts, amusement dancing her gold irises. It dies a little when the other two ponies at the table go “Ohhhhhhhhhhh!” like they were trying to incite a schoolyard brawl.

“You gunna let him call you a kiddo, major?” Sham asks behind a grinning swing of his tankard.

“Whack’em, major!” Says Shank. “Show him what you did to the last guy to call you a tot. Poor bastard limped for weeks.”

You just shake your head and grab the bottle of pony liquor. All this talking when there’s booze on the crown’s bit to be had.

“How about I whack you, instead?” Umbra returns with a raised eyebrow. “I’d say good effort on trying to rile me up, but I try to tell the truth where I can,” she finishes, resting the elbow of her foreleg on the table.

Shank “Hmm”s into his hoof as if thinking. “Whack ME major? I’m flattered, but I’m a married stallion, and my sweet would literally have me by the jewels should she find out. Now my brother…” Said brother glances as back when he’s nudged with a wing. “Now he’s free. Do what you will”

Sham shoots his brother a look of abject betrayal. “Stuff it, wanker. I’m not trying to die here. Besides, the major strikes me as a gal who likes ‘em… Untraditional you know? Like tall and weird,” the stallions says, sending a knowing look your way.

You don't even acknowledge him as you pour out a shot for you and your guard each. Curious, you lift yours and take a whiff, only to suppress a wince when your nose hairs promptly burn away.

This is going to be like drinking rocket fuel, isn’t it?

Sham narrows his green eyes to a glowing slit at being ignored but approaching hoof steps stop before he can voice his displeasure.

“Hmhm! What interesting company this little hole-in-the-wall attracts.” a mare arily comments.

Twisting around to face the voice behind you, you feel your eyes widen a bit. Standing there with a half-full wineglass held aloft in a soft aura of pink is none other than Bright Night, sans her armor.

“Interesting company indeed…” She repeats, trailing off as her eyes fall upon the only stallions at the table. “Might I join you? My company had to leave early and let me to my lonesome.” The vampony unicorn asks, giving her strangely viscous wine a dainty twirl in it’s glass.

“The more the merrier, love,” Sham begins with a deceptively gentle smile. “Dear brother O mine, you mind vacating your spot so the lovely miss can sit?” He says, turning to his unamused looking twin.

“No need, but my thanks to you all the same,” Bright replies with a cool look as she walks to the open spot on Umbra’s other side and seats herself. “A most unusual gathering, Major. Of course, I expected Anon but…”

The medic trails off again, sending you a searching, sidelong glance.

You let your lips twitch upward and give her a discreet nod, not voicing your forgiveness for the event several days ago. As you do, you tip the shot you poured for yourself down.

Annnnd you almost cough it back up, grimacing the entire way it went down. God almighty that tasted like pain and went down like lit gasoline. Hell, actual gasoline would have been much better than that.

Bright lets herself smile gently for only a moment at you, her pink eyes filled with laughter before she drops it and returns her attention to Umbra.

“Well, Anon and myself were just wandering around after our visit to the PD,” the major starts, hoofing the little shot glass you slide to her. “Really, it’s just chance that we ended up here. I never got to learn where the place moved since babysitting became my primary assignment,” she says with a cheeky grin sent your way.

You snort. “Babysitting? You mean being babysat, right? I’ve pulled your ass out of the fire more times than I care to count,” you tell her, watching as she drains her shot glass with nary a wince.

“Woo… This IS some good stuff!” Umbra smiles with her muzzle twitching. Turning back to you, she rolls her large eyes. “Riiiiight. Sure you have. You know all about grabbing my ass, don’t you? Or at least fantasizing.” She shoots back flirtatiously, her embarrassment from earlier faded.

The twins both openly snicker and Bright hides a giggle behind her raised glass.

“You’d like that, wouldn't you?” You ask, taking both her glass and yours to be refilled. “What would your parents say if they knew you got your jollies off from being molested by an alien?”

“Beats me,” she replies with a shrug. “Lots of cursing and yelling though. I haven’t seen them in like, what? Forty years? I swear, they’re still mad at me over the griffon I brought home way back when.”

Sham nudges Shank. “See? I told you she was into weirdos,” he says, hoofing off his empty tankard to a passing waitress.

“Odd that she’s not vying for you then,” his brother comments dryly, earning him a narrow eyed look.

“I take it they’re not fond of non-ponies, major?” Bright asks after a delicate sip of her wine. “Or maybe not even of non-vamponies? You’re from an older clan if I recall.”

Umbra waves a hoof dismissively. “Eh, it’s not that. Mom and dad were never really ones for tradition. It’s just that…” she trails off

“Bugger was a crook, wasn’t he?” Shank cuts in, making your guard look at him in surprise.

“How did you know?”

“Because,” Shank starts, facing Umbra with a ‘you-should-know-this’ condescending smirk. “You can’t be a griffin and NOT be a crook. Bloody rats with wings, they are. Take your eyes off them bird claws for a second and they’ll be in your pocket or around your throat the next.”

“Just toss a firestorm spell in the bird capital and let the fire do the rest,” Sham says snidely. “We’d get fewer assignments and pay, sure, but you’d do the world a favor.”

You almost choke your second shot down after hearing that. What a jump that was, calling griffons thieves then going right for genocide.

Sham’s brother looks at him oddly. “You’re awful on about fire recently, aren’t you?” the nick-eared pony says carefully, earning him a frown.

“Rather distasteful don't you think?” Bright asks before Sham can snap at his brother, her pursed lips and downturned brows bordering on a scowl. “To wish such mayhem upon others simply because you do not like them. What would Her Majesty say?”

Umbra tosses back her second shot, then levels the brothers with her own glower, eyes bright and baleful in the low light.

The two look back the mares, impassive.

A sudden tension grips the area, so much that the other tables around yours slowly go quiet and try to peer towards the silent drama without drawing attention to themselves.

You look between the two parties with a single bead of sweat rolling down your face despite the chill, leaving a ticklish trail. Even with the alcohol steadily peeling away at your common sense, you dare not wipe the sweat away for fear of the moment setting someone off. You knew the new vamponies were trouble just waiting to happen.

And it’s about to happen right in front of you.

The brothers turn their heads to each other just the slightest amount, enough for their smoldering green eyes to meet for just a split second, but in that split second, you know they formed a plan. Who are these two, you wonder, to be bold enough to challenge not only Bright Night, but Umbra as well?

Both Umbra and Bright subtly coil in their seats. The legs they sit on, powerful enough to shatter stone, ready to turn them into blurs of motion and violence at a moment’s notice.

You need to do something and do it now. Otherwise this is going to get ugly with a capital U. Just as you open your mouth, another voice beats you to it.

“Enough of that, you bucking children!”

All the heads in the room turn to the rough, aged voice.

Standing behind Shank and Sham, with the concerned looking lithe waitress just behind her, is the old vampony mare who was behind the bar.

She stands at the normal height for a pony and even seems frail compared to the vamponies around her, but the old mare wears an expression so stern that a single pointed look from her vermillion eyes could halt the reaper himself in his tracks. Considering her wrinkled face, faded to white mane, and missing left wing, she might just actually do that.

“If you think I’m just going to let you ankle biters start something in my bar, then you can forget it,” she says, her snarl revealing her teeth along with her broken right fang. “Either take it outside or don’t do it at all!”

Her glare falls on Shank and Sham, who both roll their eyes and look elsewhere.

“Don’t you dare pull that with me!” The old mare roars, making both of the stallions wince. “You two make more trouble than you're worth in the service of the princess, and she keeps you, but I’m not that forgiving. Do you want to come here anymore? Partake of what I work my hooves to the bone to get for you? Then you’ll do what I say, and I say quit starting trouble!”

“Of course ma’am. No need to worry, we were just leaving anyway…” Sham offers in a quiet voice.

After a theatrical look at the clock, which read 2:04 AM, his brother speaks next. “Indeed, prior engagements and whatnot. We were just here to see some... friends is all.”

You can't help but frown at the way he says ‘friends.’

Both stand briskly, with Shank leaving a single 20 bit coin on the table. As one, both march past the stern barmare and towards the stairs past all the subdued patrons at the other tables.

You shake your head and raise your glass to your lips-!

“Oi, Feedbag!” Sham calls over his shoulder. “Drop that one, friendo. The pretty lil thing serving the table slipped you something special when she passed last time.”

Wait, what?!

Looking down at the shot glass almost touching your lips, you see a thin film of white around the edges of the alcohol. It’s so faint, that you would have never noticed had it not been pointed out. Slowly, you set the glass down and withdraw your hand.

Shank smirks, venom coating his next words. “Pick up a better befuddling charm next time, love! Or somepony might get jumpy seeing your half-arsed one and, well...” He lifts a wing, and held on it is a choker filled with cracked jewels, “take a swing a mite closer...”

The waitress’ eyes widen so far that you swear they were going to pop out of her skull. Her hoof then shoots up to her, sure enough, bare neck as she goes pale under her fur. Her eyes dart around the room, but the only exit is blocked by the pair of stallions who caught her. From the sadistic smiles they wore, they would not be letting her through.

It’s only your hand on the back of her armor that keeps a furious Umbra from shooting out of her chair as a mach 5 pain missile towards the already doomed waitress.

With terrible, foreboding slowness, the aged barmare turns to the waitress, who begins to tremble in the now totally silent room.

“M-missus Wine, please! I have an explanation for this!”

The old mare, now named Wine, doesn't respond right away. Instead, she stares down the young waitress with an impassive expression somehow a thousand times worse than her previous glare. “Do you now?” Wine asks softly, but the words may as well have been thunder in the silent room. Even the record player has stopped. “No. I don't think you can. You cannot explain to me what you have done.”

Wine slowly circles the lithe mare, who shakes even more and does her best to avoid the barmare’s eyes. “How long have I run this establishment, Autumn?” she asks.

Autumn, the waitress gulps. “Since before The Nightmare.”

Now your eyes shoot open. Before “The Nightmare?” what the fuck does that mean? She CANNOT mean that this place is…

You send a cursory look to both the mares at your table. Bright Night takes notice, and after looking at the spectacle playing out, mouths ‘Exactly what you think it means’.

The thought floors you. Christ almighty no wonder Wine looks so old. She’s literally ancient!

“And what is the one rule I set here, Autumn?”

Autumn is nearly in tears now. “I-it’s a reprieve from what goes o-on outside,” she chokes out.

“Yes,” Wine agrees. “For whom?” she asks, voice damning.

The younger vampony hesitates. “F-for us?”

The other mare leans back, her mouth set into a thin line. “For all who enter, Autumn. Vampony or not, friend or stranger. It hasn't be about just us for years.” She turns away, her burning vermilion eyes closed. “Leave, and do not come back. Ever.”

Autumn needs nothing else as she turns and sprints for the stairs, tears trailing down her face. Whether they’re from the shame of letting Wine down or the shame of being caught, you don’t know. Frankly, you don’t care either.

She rushes past Shank and Sham, who step out of the way and leisurely head up the stairs leading outside themselves.

The drama over, the crowd slowly goes back to talking and laughing, through many eye your table.

Wine the barmare opens her eyes and turns to you, Bright, and Umbra. “I apologize for that,” she says simply. “As you probably already know, my name is Fine Wine. That one didn’t seem like a bad apple when I brought her in.”

“Hmhm! There was no harm done,” Bright says, taking point in the conversation since Umbra was still fuming. “It was fortunate that the unsavory plan was foiled, even if it was at the last moment…” Her pink eyes turn to you, filled with concern. “Are you well, Anon? You’ve ingested nothing but alcohol tonight, yes?”

“I’m good,” you say, honestly a bit shaken. “I don't really feel anything odd, but thanks for the concern.”

A bit shaken might be an understatement. What were you almost drugged with? A common roofie? Something more nefarious? Were Umbra and Bright next? What did Autumn intend to do afterward?

You hand reaches up and rubs the always tender spot on your neck where you feed Umbra. Ever since the thing with Bright, you kept the spot always washed, and the red amulet Glimmer gave you ensured the wound sealed itself promptly.

In your imagination, you see a nameless, faceless vampony swathed in shadow above you, your limbs pinned by them. Then a flash of pain as fangs sink into your neck, the owner greedily downing entire mouthfuls of blood as your vision bleeds black. It hits you there, that your entire life up to that point was just to be food.

“Anon!”

A familiar mare jumps in, knocking the shadowy figure off of you and away.

You snap out of the vision.

Umbra’s dread contorted face comes into focus as she shakes you from her spot on your lap. “Anon? Are you there?”

“Umbra?” You ask unsurely, looking around to see yourself still in the bar.

“You were staring off for almost five minutes there,” your vampony says with relieved sigh. “I thought something was wrong…”

The look on her face is heartbreaking, enough to spur you forward into wrapping the mare in a tight, spontaneous hug. The booze probably helped too.

She goes stiff in surprise, and a tiny gasp leaves the fanged mouth right next to your ear.

“Don’t worry about it, Umbra,” you tell her, feeling her ear jaw work with no words coming out against your cheek. “I’m sorry for worrying you. That’s the last thing I wanted to do. Promise.”

She sniffs. “You’re the one who was almost drugged, and you’re worried about me?” She pulls just far enough away that you can see her small smile and misty eyes. “I really cannot believe you sometimes."

Feeling especially bold, you lean forward and touch your forehead to hers, drawing another surprised look from the gold eyes an inch away from yours.

“I’ll be blunt, you pain in my neck,” you say with a smile. “Of the few things I have in this crazy pony world, you're the one I like the most. So of course I don't like worrying you.”

Her jaw slowly drops as her eyes blink unsurely. Her shock is only there for a moment, however. Her expression melts into a delicate smile with half-lidded eyes, making your stomach tingle and flutter.

"For now, let's just stay here, yeah? We can worry about drugs and the mares tossing them around some other time. Like tomorrow."

She smiles nods gently.

For a moment, you just ignore everything else and hold the pony in your arms, enjoying her chilled body against your flushed one.

“Well, looks like the Fixer did its job at least.”

Both you and Umbra snap your heads around to look at a vaguely amused Fine Wine, who is holding a clean shot glass in her hoof. “I was bringing you a clean glass, but…”

“Hold on now! Let's not get any ideas, about either this or the glass,” you say with a red face, but not letting go of the mare in your lap. “Bring that here so I can drink myself stupid.”

Umbra rolls her eyes. “What am I going to do with you…”

“Drink with me, I hope.”

The rest of the evening is spent in a light-hearted haze with fine liquor and even finer friends.

Author's Note

DAS RIGHT WE LIVIN Welcome back to autistic OC hell

Things happen, and now the story begins its main shift into the main meat of things. You like ~~man~~ meat, rhite?

POINT OUT MISTAKES

Chapter 9

The first thing that hits you as consciousness slams into you with the force of a freight train is how unbearably dry your mouth is. Next is the pounding in your skull. If you had to describe the painful sensation, it would be like little men in your head taking sledgehammers to your brain. Or maybe the armored hooves of vamponines repeatedly kicking it. Not a fun experience either way. Just what did you do?

Bleary images slowly play in your mind along with disjointed sounds, as if being presented with a half-broken projector. The bat bar, drinking with Umbra and Bright, then a few nameless friends who wandered over, and finally Umbra flying you back to your room in the morning sun. So a hangover is what this torture must be. Lovely.

You groan lowly, only to stop and wince when the action makes your stomach churn threateningly. Instead, you just bury your head into the chilled, softly snoring mass in your arms, enjoying the cool and plush fur against your aching head.

...Wait…

Cracking open your eyes just the smallest amount, you take in the sight of a disheveled cobalt mane and a pair of tuft-tipped ears. You squeeze the soft body in your hold with a bleary blink, earning a low “Mmm…” for your efforts. The faint smell of sweat and flowery shampoo is already present. So this can only be…

“Umbra?” You ask quietly, still not feeling fully sober. “What are you doing here..?”

The vampony, who you now notice is devoid of her armor, just mutters something in her sleep and snuggles back further into your arms with a content sigh.

Oh god did you..!

With effort worthy of being sung about in an epic, you fight through the fatigue and lift an arm just enough to let you peer down the covers on you and your guard. Thankfully, your clothes are still on. Even with that, the first urge that runs through you is to recoil from the overly intimate position. Not that you’ve never been willing to be close to Umbra, and ponies tend to be more touchy than humans, but this is... just a little too far. But for some reason other than the hangover, your body doesn't respond.

You don’t WANT to move away.

“U-umbra?”

Again, she doesn't move sans a twitch of her ear.

You try to swallow, but your mouth is still bone dry.

As carefully as you can, you pull her closer, taking great pains to move slowly lest you wake her and owe an explanation. Inch by inch, you close the already small gap between you and your best friend, your face practically glowing red as you do so. Finally, the vampony is laying flush against you, her wings twitching against your chest in her slumber. She smiles unconsciously and murmurs something too quiet to hear, making a small smile form on your face as well.

Idly, you run your hands across her taut stomach and the beginnings of her legs. The sensation of her impossibly soft coat on top of a thin layer of fat, all supported by a frame of whipcord muscle is fascinating for a reason you can't place. Your roaming fingers find and trace the occasional small scar across her belly, none bigger than what a mild cut could accomplish, but all of them hidden under her coat. Right at her hip, a thumb runs over a larger mark, definitely large enough to be a wound. But you’ve never seen Umbra injured in such a place though. Was that before she met you? That would be something you ask.

Yet with all these little injuries, she still looks as perfect and beautiful as a masterpiece chiseled from marble. Even before your blood sharpened her features and smoothed over her blemishes, she still stood out amongst her kind. Her trim form, work ethic, and heart of gold aren’t all just passive bonuses of being a cuddly vampire.

How lucky you are to have such a mare so close to you...

“Mmm, run your hands lower, stud,” a sleepy voice starts, freezing you in place. “You’ll have to help me into mounting position though. My legs are still jelly from last night~”

Lucky to have her? Nevermind. This little vampire is still a pain in the ass.

“How long have you been awake?” you ask with pride at your lack of stutter. Too bad it does nothing for the heat on your cheeks. “And I already saw that my clothes are still on. Nice try though.”

She turns her head and from her position spooned against you, which ends up pressing her cheek against yours, letting you feel the amused smile on her face. “Killjoy. I’ve been awake since you decided you wanted a closer cuddle and to feel me up,” she says with a giggle. “Jeez, you’re getting really bold. I half expected you to give my flank a squeeze, you raunchy human.”

She wiggles said flank against you, and by against you, you mean right on your crotch, making your breath hitch. “Umbra, don’t!”

“Why’s that?” she asks playfully. “Admit that you like it, tough guy!”

“Umbra I swear to fucking god!” You exclaim in horror, trying to cross your still uncoordinated legs. “Do not! You’re on the fast track to becoming worst pony!”

She just snickers and arches her back, driving her rump further into you. “Come on, prude. You li-”

poke

“-ke it…” she trails off with a confused blink. “What’s the..?” She pushes back again, nearly making you howl from what you feel under her tail, even through your pants. Her own face slowly turns bright red with a blush from the prodding. “O-oh. I guess you really DO like it…”

You just lay there, beyond mortified with yourself. Umbra says nothing as well, turning away and staring ahead with her cheeks so red it can be seen through her coat. Thankfully, the sheer embarrassment running through you curbs your arousal, but does nothing for your whirling thoughts and wish-for-death migraine. Is she going to be disgusted by such a reaction? You didn’t just fuck up your friendship with her, did you? All the times you’ve kept a lid on your rebellious body’s reactions from her teasing are meaningless now.

“...You know, you never did tell me why you're here.”

Wow. What a stellar start to that conversation, dumbass.

The pony in your arms shifts, but thankfully doesn't pull away. “Well, you got so trashed that I had to carry you home. When I put you in bed, you got grabby,” she says dryly. “Hell, you even said ‘lose the armor and get in. It get’s hot under the covers you pony-shaped icebox.’”

“I…” You pause, trying to recall your words through the fuzz in your thoughts. “I don’t recall that.”

“I’m surprised you can even think straight now even after a full day's rest,” she replies, shifting around in your arms so she faces you.

You narrow your gaze to a squint when the luminescent glow of her eye not covered by her mane makes yours sting from the light. “I didn’t get that wasted?” You say, the statement coming out as a question despite your best efforts.

“You did.”

You grunt. “No, you.”

She snorts and doesn't reply.

Silence falls over the darkened bedroom room again, but thankfully it’s a more comfortable quiet than the previous awkward one.

You let out a breath and let your eyes fall shut, making the throbbing in your skull lessen just the slightest amount.

“How are you feeling?” Umbra asks quietly. “You really did get smashed yesterday. Bright nearly wanted to pump your stomach.” She pauses. “Well, she wanted to until you started swinging.”

You click your tongue. “I didn’t hurt her, did I?” You're going to feel like a real ass if you smacked poor Bright Night in a drunken hissy fit.

A melodic giggle is your answer. “Nope. Swinging may have been too strong a word. Flailing is more like it. You did punch out some poor stallion and that got us kicked out for the night though.”

What? “What did I knock the guy out for?” you grumble.

“He was running his mouth about you and I. I couldn't really make out half of what he was saying since he was pretty far gone, but apparently you did,” the vampony just an inch away said with a soft nuzzle to your cheek. “My hero~”

“I got us kicked out of a bar for dropping a drunk pony. Yay,” you say flatly.

“You just cannot have any fun, can you?” She asks, still sounding amused. “Do you want something to eat? It might soak up a bit of the remaining booze in your stomach.”

“I wouldn't say no, but I really don’t wanna move.”

Your guard snorts again. “I really am a babysitter now. Fine, lazybones. Let me go grab a maid.”

Umbra slips out of your hold and out of the bed. You nearly make a grab at her before you regain control of yourself at the last moment and let her go. Why are you acting to weirdly? Are you still boozed up?

As you have your moment of hazy introspection, Umbra trots up the door and pokes her head out of it for a moment, stopping someone with a quick “Excuse me!” and following up with a brief exchange too quiet for you to hear. A moment later, she trots back up to the bed. “A maid said she’d bring something up here in just a bit along with some aspirin.”

You nod without opening your eyes. “M’kay, that sounds good…” you say, hesitating over your next words. “You going to hop back in?”

“Hop back in?”

You crack open your eyes to take in the vampony’s tilted head. “That’s what I said, right? I’m not going to tell you to just get lost.”

She blinks. “But I figured…” Then a soft smile blooms on her face, making your heart jump. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

A short hop and a single flap of her leathery wings puts Umbra floating right above the bed, where she gently falls down to the spot she occupied just a few minutes ago. The bed hardly even sinks under her weight, reminding you just how light pegasi are even as vamponies. A flick of her wing catches the edge of the covers and flings them up just long enough for her to crawl in, retaking her place pressed against you. Almost immediately, the slowly rising temperature under the covers drops as your bedmate soaks up the heat like a sponge does water.

The vampony lets out a happy hum as you wrap her in another hug and rest your hands just below her wings. “Lazy day today?”

“Very,” you agree. “The most I’m getting up for today is to eat and eventually take a piss. I’m sure it’s due here soon.”

You say that right as Umbra nuzzles herself into the crook of your neck, making her bust out into a few short laughs and sending tickling twitches down your body. “Real classy, Anon. I can only wonder why mares aren’t hanging off of you,” she says, voice dripping with sarcasm.

“You’re hanging off me, aren’t you?” You shoot back cheekily.

“I’m also being paid a pretty bit for my time,” she sniffs. “Babysitting an endangered species is pretty lucrative, you know.”

“Free cuddle hookers courtesy of the taxpayers,” you reply with a chuckle. “This is the real shit right here. A real utopia, Equestria is.”

Umbra nips your neck, making you wince. “Don’t call me a hooker. I’m a high-class escort at the very LEAST. If it wasn't taxes paying, then you couldn't afford me.”

You snort. “So you’re too expensive for me, at my side twenty-four-seven, and literally suck the life out of me,” you snark, rubbing a thumb over the smooth membrane of one of her wings. “At this rate, I should just call you my wife.”

Curiously, Umbra shuts up after that one. From her spot wedged against you with her face in your neck, you can’t see her expression. You do, however, feel your lips move without noise in the same pattern. Finally, she comes back with a weak “You wish…”

Her nose twitches against your neck after a few minutes just resting. “Anon? Do you mind if I..?”

“Go ahead,” you tell her sleepily, already half asleep despite already sleeping a full day. “Probably more liquor than blood on me right now, though. Drink at your own risk.”

She lets out a quiet giggle. “Thank you, Anon.”

You just nod, making her ear twitch when you brush against it.

She settles again, muzzle pressed against the soft spot between your neck and shoulder in a way that can only be described as familiar by now. The little vampire also moves in closer, closing the small gap between you and her. Her chilled hide makes goosebumps run along your skin as she seemingly moulds to the contours of your body, not letting any space exist between her and you.

Her muzzle is pressed to you tightly as she takes a deep breath, making her shiver and purr deep in her throat as your scent fills her nose and lungs. A warm tongue laps at its favorite spot a few times, and the lips just behind it caress the skin of your neck with unusual gentleness, even for a feeding. It makes you wonder just what she’s up to.

The faint gold glow in the room fades as Umbra closes her eyes, leaving it darker than before and leaving you with only your sense of hearing and touch to tell what is going on in the low light.

She stops lapping at the spot and just lets her lips rest there, where she almost absent-mindedly… Kisses your neck? Sure enough, in the nearly silent room, you can hear the quiet smack of lips on flesh. No biting, just kissing…

Again, your face starts heating up and with her close proximity, you KNOW Umbra can feel it.

Your hands start roaming again in an half-hearted attempt to distract you from the drawn-out feeding your friend seems insistent on.

Umbra groans into your neck when one of your hands gently wraps around the base of her right wing, kneading the bundle of nerves and muscle just under it. The other hand traces a small hole in her left wing, making the sensitive membrane twitch under your feather-light touch. Her hot breath contrasts sharply with the cool muzzle it comes from, making the goosebumps on your skin stand just a bit higher.

The hand teasing the hole in her wing seems to tire, and instead slips under the wing itself, coming to a rest on the seldom touched side of the vampony. Said vampony shivers as your fingers and thumb part the plush coat in five even lines, letting your warm hand rest against her nippy skin. Your other hand is more bold, abandoning her wing and sliding down to a stop right at her hip, making your heart race in excitement..?

Do you… Go further?

This is wrong, a part of you says. She’s your friend, and you’re already pushing what could be called “platonic” to it’s limit. Don't risk your friendship with the one who literally guards your life because you feel grabby.

Do it, says another part. Surely all stories have a kernel of truth to them, so her flirting can’t be all banter, right? She must be interested in you.

But I don't like ponies! Says a final part. She’s a cute little horse with bat wings. It’s wrong! But the cries of the third voice go unheard.

You hand shakily slides further down, ready to be slapped away. Only… It’s not.

Trembling fingers gently dig into the pony-silhouette mark emblazoned on Umbra’s flank, making the tight mass of muscle tense. The pony in your arms vainly tries to hold back a pleased mewl, her back legs weakly kicking at nothing.

She’s not fighting it?

Hesitantly, you drag your fingernails across your guard’s cutie mark, making her stiffen and let out a ragged breath.

You gulp with some difficulty and find yourself sweating. She’s not fighting it. She should be. You’re her much younger, different species charge. This goes beyond what friends do… Right?

The temptation to reach further down and around the tight flank is unreal now, almost clouding your rational thought in a haze of animalistic instinct aided by the liquor still in your system. You already know the prize that awaits if you throw caution to the wind. But even with such thoughts rampaging through your mind, you still have enough clarity to shift your hips and hide your excitement from the mare you’re molesting.

Umbra takes in a few choppy breaths as her teeth nip and nibble the spot right between your neck and shoulder, telling you what’s next. Or so you thought.

Rather than the stinging pinch you’ve come to know, the vampony’s fangs slowly glide into your flesh with no resistance, parting skin, muscle, and sinew with only the barest hint of discomfort. It takes nearly a whole minute for her mouth to finally close around the pair of slowly bleeding holes. Then a violent shudder runs down her frame as the first few drops coat her tongue.

The little red gem around your neck glows faintly.

Umbra drains your precious lifeblood much slower than usual, savoring each morsel-sized dollop she takes and stopping to kiss at the small puncture wounds occasionally. Your stomach leaps and flutters when her affectionate lips wander up to your jaw, letting you see her eyes. They’ve dulled and glazed over, and she’s steadily going limp in your arms.

“Anoooooon~” the little vampire practically moans into the crook of your neck, sending a shameful shiver down your spine and filling your head with impure visions. “You’re the best… Always there when I… Need you.” She lets out a fond giggle and gives you a red-stained smile. “I really can’t imagine life without you now, you know that?” Umbra asks with half-lidded eyes, lazily licking the rapidly closing bite.

If your heart was pounding before, it’s thundering with the force of a wardrum now, complete with a primal chant urging you forward and violently drowning out all other thoughts.

Do it.

Do it.

Do it!

DO IT!

You’re going to do it. You’re about to flip your best friend over and take her. Do or die. Now or never. Eternal shame if you retreat and everlasting regret if you hesitate. Your limbs tense in eager preparation to pull yourself above Umbra.

The mare blinks, taking notice. “Anon..?”

You say nothing, instead just smirking at her and getting up on your hands and knees over her, almost straddling the vampony and doing nothing to hide the arousal pointing right at her.

Umbra blinks again, her mouth falling open. Her forelegs curl up to cover her open mouth and reddening face, and her tail curls around her legs. It all makes the mare look uncharacteristically shy and small, but the hungry golden orbs staring at you only urge you to go further.

A split second later though, her ear twitches towards the door, and your heart sinks.

Cl-click!

“Mister Anonymous! I brought everything Miss Umbra asked for!” Chirps a normal unicorn maid as she opens the door and wheels a small fancy cart in the room with a covered platter on it. “I have a light breakfast and some… pain pills…” The maid trails off, her peppy smile falling when she catches sight of you and Umbra, both wide-eyed and frozen in your positions. “...For you. S-should I come back later?” she weakly asks, cheeks bleeding into pink.

As one, you and the mare under you look at the maid, then to each other.

Umbra then vanishes from her spot so quickly and violently that it knocks you backward from the near-shockwave her movement makes.

“Shit!” You yelp, just barely avoiding going over the edge of the bed and onto the painful floor in a heap of limbs and embarrassment.

The maid squeaks in fright when the Major re-materializes an inch away from her, face screwed up into a bladder-weakening snarl and a growl befitting a rabid animal tearing from her throat. The baleful glowing eyes and scowling maw of sharp teeth only made the vampony that much more menacing.

“You. Will. Say. Nothing. Got it?” Umbra grounds out each word to the bone white mare, an impressive feat since her coat was yellow just a moment ago.

The shaking maid just nods so fast it’s a wonder she didn’t break her neck. “Ofcoursema’amhereiseverythingyouwantedI’vegottaGO!” The poor maid is out the door so fast that she may as well have teleported, leaving the cart and still covered platter behind.

Umbra's expression holds for a full minute, making you wary of trying to snap her out of it. When her demonic visage finally melts into mere annoyance rather than murderous intent do you dare speak up.

"Umbra?" you ask, almost hoping she won't answer.

Her ears swivel back to face you, a shuddering breath running through her frame along with a slump of her shoulders and droop of her wings. The pony slowly turns to you, a suddenly tired look finding it's way to her face. "Well, that happened I guess," she says lamely.

"Yeah..." you mutter, not really sure how to proceed.

You pull yourself into a slumped seated position on the bed, your legs hanging over the side and brushing the floor.

Umbra slowly walks back from her spot, revealing the carpet under her hooves to be shredded from her rage-induced haste to oust the maid. The vampony hops up next to you, keeping a small distance from you as she stares at the ground, her gold eyes roaming the floor in conflict.

You wring your hands in your lap as what just happened replays through your now lucid-from-shock mind over and over. Just ten seconds more, and you may have made a move that would have ruined the relationship between you and Umbra. What the fuck were you thinking? What the actual fuck were you thinking!? You molested your guard and came seconds within trying to have SEX with her.

The hungry look she gave you just a minute prior is forgotten.

A nearly-dry gulp runs down your throat painfully when you glance at her, only for her eyes to avoid yours entirely. All the courage you had previously seems to have fled without looking back, making the already weak words in your mouth die before they could be realized.

For the second time in just a few minutes, an uneasy silence falls over the room.

“So…” you start, then stop when no other words will force themselves out.

Umbra rolls her bottom lip between her teeth, obviously struggling to come up with something herself. “I guess we got caught up in the heat of the moment, right?” She finally asks after some time.

“Yeah…” you agree quietly.

Another long pause.

“I’m sorry.”

Your guard recoils, eyes wide and mouth open just the slightest amount. “YOU’RE sorry? I was the one teasing you while you were still a bit out of it. I should be the one apologizing.”

Your head shakes. “No, this was one me. I lost control of myself and overstepped my bounds. Despite all the shit I gave you, Umbra, you’re my best friend. I don’t want to drive you away with some stupid actions.”

“We are best friends, aren’t we?” she asks quietly, rubbing one foreleg with another. “It’s fine, Anonymous. I’m not going to stress over what happened.” She turns to you, a small, strained smile on her face. “We’ll say it was the heat of the moment and call it done, right?”

“Right,” you agree, beyond relieved that she’s not going to hold what happened against you.

For a moment, you think about reaching out to hug her in gratitude but stop short.

Getting up off the bed, you grab the covered platter and the small pill bottle off the cart and return, setting the warm silver in your lap before removing the lid. Under it is a steaming plate of eggs, a small steak, and a glass of water that you dig into with little fanfare. The usually delectable taste of the castle cooking seems a little less satisfying tonight.

“Better?”

You crack open an eye, taking in the sight of the bedroom ceiling with far less pain that it would have caused an hour ago. Pony medicine really is the best.

Sitting up on the bed, you turn to an inquisitive Umbra, who is lying on her belly just a few feet away. She’s kept some distance from you since, well... Regardless, the gesture still sent a painful pang through your chest.

“Much,” you reply simply. “How long was I out?”

“Not long, about an hour.”

A glance at the wall clock confirms the vampony’s estimate.

You nod and lay back again, crossing your arms behind you head as you do so. “I was being serious when I said I wasn’t doing jack shit today.”

Umbra snorts. “Do you have to half-ass everything?” She asks lowly as she sets her head on her forelegs.

“Hmm?”

“Nothing,” she says back. “Nothing.”

The room is quiet again.

Suddenly, Umbra perks up. “Hey, if you don’t wanna do anything, how about a movie?” she asks with something close to her usual smile. “They finally got around to doing the original Daring Do and turning it into a movie. What do you say?”

You let out a whiny groan. “Umbra, the cinema is on the other side of town. Unless you want to fly me there…”

“No no, I mean in here!”

“...I’m listening…”

Her smile gets a bit wider. “We just need to go down to one of the auditoriums, swipe the projector and stereo for the night, and pilfer one of the princess’s copies of the movie. Easy.”

“So we need to to get up, run all over hell’s half-acre, steal from the castle and one of the princesses, and get back here,” you start, leveling your guard with an unamused stare. “Sounds like a TON of fun…” Then another thought hits you. “Why would the princesses have a copy of a just-released movie? Isn’t that shit on old-timey film?”

“Aw comon, Anon!” Umbra whines imploringly. “It’ll all be worth it, I promise! As for the movie, Princess Luna has kinda become a film aficionado since her return. Who is going to say no to her if she wants private flicks?”

“Yeah, fair enough,” you concede. If Luna’s shiny puppy-dog eyes couldn’t get her what she wanted, then all it would take is some ROYAL HEADACHE VOICE to convince anyone to cave.

“And it would help dispel some of the… awkward in here.”

You don't bother replying to that. With an annoyed grunt, you pull yourself up and onto your feet, swaying just a little. “Alright, alright. Lemme change into an outfit that doesn't smell like booze and death and we’ll go.”

Umbra beams so brightly she nearly matches the full moon.

Just a few moments later, you and the now-armored vampony wander the expansive halls of the night decorated castle.

“So, where to first?”

Umbra screws her face up into an expression of intense thought, complete with her tongue poking out. “Auditorium first,” she says after a moment. “There’s one closer, and we’ll pass the kitchens on the way, so we can swipe some snacks while we’re at it.”

“Stealing movies, projectors, and now food. That’s not very guard-like,” you start with a tone as dry as a desert. “What’s next? Are you going to download a car?”

“Bite my pretty, pert ass,” the guard sniffs.

“Don’t threaten me with a good time.”

Umbra rolls her eyes but does so with an almost unnoticeable smile. “If this is the thanks I get for helping you and offering free stuff…”

“Stuff you’re about to steal,” you scoff playfully.

The vampony glares up at you, her cheeks puffed out in irritation. “It’s not stealing, it’s borrowing.”

“This is some schoolfilly logic…”

“Then why are you helping me with my schoolfilly shenanigans, smart guy?” she asks with a badly hidden smirk as you and her pass a pair of patrolling night guards.

You try to mount some sort of verbal offensive to deflect the question, but end up just walking forward with a single finger pointed out like you wanted to speak.

She giggles, but a stifled snort drags your attention backward.

“OI!” You yell at the sounds, whirling around to see the pair of startled nightguard mares you just passed. “Don’t you two have something to be doing!?”

Both go from startled back to amused as they quickly round a corner, where barely audible laughing can be heard before it rapidly fades with the sound of wingbeats.

“Can it,” you tell Umbra preemptively, already feeling her merriment-filled eyes on your back. “Anyways, kitchen?”

The next few minutes are spent in a companionable silence just following the major down the hallway. The only sounds breaking the quiet are your footsteps, the steps and passing greetings of the occasional guard or late-night noble, and the ever present background of classical music that flitted in and out from somewhere you could never find.

clink!

“Drat…”

Then something else breaks the silence.

As one, you and Umbra glance towards the narrow corridor the noise had come from. As usual, Umbra walks right toward it and ignores you after you shake your head no. With a despondent sigh, you follow after her.

Down the narrow hall is a single vampony mare in full armor standing in front of a ratty (for castle standards as it has no decorations of gold and masterpiece carvings) looking door. The full set of armor covering her head from hoof made for an intimidating sight and covered everything that could be used to identify her, making you step behind a still casual Umbra as you walk.

The fell blue glow coming from the narrow eye slits in the full helm turns to you and your guard. “Halt!” The mare calls, booming yet feminine voice reverberating through her helmet and the hallway. “I have been tasked with guarding this area and I will have no interference. Turn around and leave immediately.”

Umbra surprisingly stops, raising an eyebrow as she does so. “And just who is ordering me?”

The armored mare opens her wings and turns to the boosted vampony “I am…”

Before the mystery mare can finish, her helm slips down with a clink! and covers her eyes.

“Drat!” She says, sounding more like a filly with a bucket on her head than the terminator pony you could have sworn she was going to be.

The mare backtracks clumsily and bats at her helmet with a hoof, nearly tripping in an embarrassing clatter of armor.

Umbra covers her smile with a hoof while you just watch unsurely.

Finally the mare gets her balance back and swats at her helmet again, sending the head armor off and to the ground with a loud and hollow *Bong!*, revealing something you didn't expect.

Under the helm is what looks like a teenaged vampony, something you had never seen before. On her head is a messy mane of shocking orange hair, with pale blue eyes full of innocence contrasting sharply with her mane. Her coat is the same vampony gray as all the others. All at once, you notice how poorly her armor fits like it was made for a larger pony.

The small mare shakes her head, clearing the cobwebs her self-induced daze brought her before she focuses on Umbra. She blinks.

Then the realization hits.

M-m-m-major Umbra?!” the armored mare exclaims in panic, making your guard recoil. “I’m sorry ma’am! I-I had no idea it was you! The helmet has really poor visibility so I didn’t see you at all and a-and and!” The poor carrot-topped vampony stutters and jumps into a hasty salute. “My deepest apologies, ma’am!”

“Whoa, whoa. Easy guardsmare. I’m not upset,” Umbra starts slowly, holding her wings forward in a placating gesture like you might your hands. “Get that the heavy armor sucks and that the helmet is the worst part. For future reference, pick medium armor next time at highest. I think you have some filling out to do if you want something bigger.”

“T-thank you, ma’am!” The smaller guard says with a sigh of relief.

“What’s your name, guard? And why are you back here all by yourself watching over what looks like a broom closet?” You ask, scanning the narrow hallway up and down.

“Private Apricot reporting, Mister Anonymous! I-”

“Apricot?” You cut her off with a grin. “Like the fruit? That’s adorable.”

“I’m not adorable!” Apricot exclaims, dismayed. “I’m a fearsome protector in the dark! A creature who stalks the shadows and makes criminals tremble! A Nightguard!” she says with a distressed wiggle in her armor.

You bite your fist in a failing attempt to not laugh at the poor mare, but you can’t hide the growing grin on your face. These kooky, cute ponies man…

Umbra’s lips tremble as she struggles not to show her own mirth. “R-right, private. Right…” she says, taking a breath and calming down. “Anyway, I’m curious myself. Why are you guarding a closet?”

“A closet?” Apricot asks with a blink. “Sergeant Strider said this is an out-of-the-way spot where intel on changeling movements were being stored, so she assigned me to guard it.”

What? Valuable info like that being kept in some random hallway? Why is this not in the guard barracks locked away or with the archives?

You and Umbra share a disbelieving look. ‘Do you believe this shit?’ Her eyes ask.

‘Not a bit,’ yours reply.

Your vampony marches forward towards the door, making Apricot nervously step away. When the major reaches the door, she opens it on creaky hinges, revealing..!

A dusty closet.

Umbra sticks her head in as you and Apricot watch over her shoulder. Each of her eyes inspects the cleaning supplies piled up in the tiny room with the scrutiny of a microscope.

You walk up now too, leaning over the guard to look around inside. Just as you guessed, it’s nothing but janitorial equipment and spider webs.

“Some Intel hiding spot,” you sarcastically comment as you straighten back up. “It’s hidden so well it’s as if it... Isn’t there.”

Apricot flushes red.

“Anon, don’t be mean,” Umbra scolds, slapping a wing on your leg.

You roll your eyes then turn to the still mortified Private. “Well, Apricot. I think someone pulled a prank on you. There’s nothing here but mops, chemicals and-”

Umbra’s nose twitches and her face twists right before she sneezes, sending a massive plume of dust and dirt from the closet into the air.

“-Ech! Dust!” you hack, covering your mouth with your sleeve.

Both of the vamponies cough too, frantically flapping their wings and whipping up a gust in the small hallway, thankfully sending the dust away.

“I have to agree with Anon, Private,” your guard starts with a watery sniffle. “You were the victim of a prank. I’ll talk to some ponies tomorrow to see that it doesn't happen again.”

Apricot nods dejectedly with her gaze on the ground, her whole form radiating depression. “I really thought I was doing good…”

“Well, you were,” you compliment. “I was ready to turn around when you looked my way, but,” You glance down at Umbra. “You know.”

“Say, Private? I know something that will pull you out of your funk here,” the major starts with a grin. “Consider yourself relieved from duty for tonight and follow us. Ditch the armor too. Just stuff it in the closet and somepony will get it later.”

“But Major! That’s at least three protocol violations!” the carrot-topped mare exclaims aghast. “I could never!”

“Well I’m an officer, and I say it’s okay,” Umbra replies with a cheeky smile, bringing Apricot’s next words to a screeching halt. “Ditch the armor and follow us, rookie. You’re getting a vacation night.”

The smaller mare looks like she desperately wants to argue, but is unwilling to voice such a thing to superior officer. After a moment of nervous sweating, she caves with a sigh and starts undoing her armor.

The last piece of blue metal is tossed into the closet, leaving Apricot in just her base armor that all the guards sport, and by god is this mare tiny. Tiny enough to almost be mistaken as a teen. Only her being a vampony told you that she’s older.

“You’re so smol!”

Apricot squeals in surprise when you easily pick her up and hold her.

“So light too…” You marvel. “I know pegasi are light and all, but you weigh almost nothing. Are you getting enough to eat?”

The mare in your arms slows her struggles, blinking sleepily instead as her cold vampony body eagerly takes the heat yours provides.

The slight narrowing of Umbra’s eyes doesn't go unnoticed by you. “You might want to let her down, Anon. Or she’ll pass out and you’ll have to carry her the entire way,” she supplies.

“Yeah yeah… I was just surprised is all. Not every day you see a shrimpy guardsmare,” you say, letting the mare in your hold down.

“M’not shrimpy…” Apricot mumbles before she shakes off the last of her lethargy. She then briskly trots to Umbra, who stands half a head taller, and salutes. “Task complete, ma’am. I’m down to my core armor set.”

“At ease, Apricot,” the higher ranked pony says with a lopsided smile. “Like I said, consider yourself off duty for tonight. We’re off to the kitchens. Follow us.”

You retake your spot next to Umbra as she walks, and Apricot takes your other side.

“The kitchens, ma’am?”

“Yep. We need to pick up some snacks for later. After that, the auditorium, then Princess Luna’s room.”

Apricot looks between you and your guard with a dubious expression. “I don't follow…”

“Movie night, apparently,” you answer. “This one,” you flick the tuft on Umbra’s ear, making it twitch, “wants to steal a bunch of things to set-up a movie in my room. Congrats on being invited I guess? You were more shanghaied into this, really.”

A shiver runs up the small guard’s frame, making her fur stand on end. “S-steal?”

“We are borrowing!” Umbra butts in, annoyed. “Not stealing. None of that. We’re just borrowing a projector and speakers, some food, and a film reel from Princess Luna.”

“But watching a movie on duty? Isn’t that…” Apricot looks around conspicuously, then leans in “...goofing off?” she whispers as if the phrase is a sin. It’s enough to make you smile.

“More like a part of VIP guard detail,” the major answers with a badly suppressed grin. “ A very nice part of VIP guard detail. About time we got here…”

You and the pair of mares come to a stop in front of a pair of wooden double doors. Above the doors is a sign simply saying “Kitchen” in flowing, flowery script. Even after already eating, the subtle smells that waft through the crack between the doors is enough to make your mouth water.

Umbra takes charge and opens one door, letting the dull roar of moving hooves, barked orders, and the clinking of cooking tools out. When you look inside, you feel your eyes go wide.

The room is huge, open, and brightly lit, with lines of stoves and ovens strewn throughout manned by ponies of all sorts. Pegasi, earth ponies, unicorns, and a larger number of their vampony counterparts rush to and fro in the kitchen fit for a world class restaurant. Each one moves with purpose and without a single wasted effort. In one of the far walls are ovens lined and stacked so high that only pegasi and unicorns could use them. Another wall has a huge trough of dirty water and currently full dish racks just above it. The final wall is lined with odd runic circles carved into the stone wall with gems throw about here and there, the only a door labeled “storage” breaking the line. A butler vampony with a loaded tray on his back walks up to one, mutters something too low to hear, then vanishes in a flash of light!

“Damn…” You murmur, trying to take it all in. “Remind me to explore the castle more. This is crazy.”

“You think this is neat?” Umbra asks with a grin. She elbows your leg a second later. “You haven’t seen anything yet.”

Apricot looks around but seems less impressed than you are.

A vampony unicorn stallion in a bowtie takes notice of you and pulls himself from his throng of fellows to address your group. “Good evening, Sir and Madams. Is there anything I can help you with?” He asks, tone polite and professional.

“Yes, actually,” You start. “You all wouldn’t happen to have a mobile popcorn machine, would you?”

“We do,” he replies, not even raising a brow to the question. “Is there a place in particular you would like it brought?”

“My quarters, VIP suite number one.”

“Of course,” the bowtie-clad stallion turns his head to a normal pegasus mare in a maid outfit just behind him and nods, making the pegasus take off towards the storage room by the runic circles. Nary a moment later, she emerges again pushing the red and white machine with a burlap bag across her back. The pegasus mare moves into a spot in front of one of the circles, where she and her load vanish in a flash.

You blink. “That was fast.”

“We pride ourselves on our speed and finesse, sir,” the still unnamed vampony stallion says with a small smile. “I’ll pass along your compliment. Anything else we can do for you? Soft drinks to go along with your popcorn, perhaps?”

“Ehh…”

“Come now, what sort of plebeian doesn't enjoy a cold soda with popcorn?” a new voice cuts in.

You blink, noticing Umbra’s expression of surprise, the trembling of Apricot, and the bowing of EVERY pony in the room.

“She’s behind me, isn’t she?”

“Verily. I would have words with the ones who think they can take things from me.”

“Well shit.”

Author's Note

Hory sheet 2 updates in like 3 ish weeks of each other?

POINT OUT MISTAKES

Chapter 10

“So I don’t suppose that you’d willing to not kill me?” you ask evenly. “I’ll warn you now, I will scream. Take the mastermind here instead.”

Umbra doesn’t even get a chance to blink before you snatch her up and turn, presenting the vampony to the alicorn just behind you. Once your words catch up with her, the guard panics and squirms, but can’t get any leverage since you’re holding her by the back of her armor.

Poor Apricot, meanwhile, looks comatose on her hooves and ready to fall over at the slightest touch. In fact…

You nudge the small mare with your knee and she falls over, legs perfectly straight and stiff as a statue. Even her expression of abject terror remains frozen on her.

Luna takes in the scene with a stern yet cool visage, one befitting the Goddess of the Moon. It’s an expression that fits any situation, be it in a tense war room, in court listening to the whining and false praises of the nobility, or even watching a guard officer and alien squabble like foals.

Then it cracks.

Luna snorts and holds a hoof in front of her muzzle to stifle a distinctly un-princesslike chortling. “Oh Anon, Major, you two never fail to entertain,” she says, her mirth calming after a moment. “There’ll be no slaying of any ponies or humans today. What I wish to know, is why you did not invite me?”

The alicorn’s eyes grow large and sad, and her lower lip trembles like she’s just barely holding back tears. “Why would you not invite me..?” she pleads.

You roll your eyes and let a still indignant Umbra down. “Luna, that worked better the first few times. It’s a bit old now.”

The princess drops the expression for a pout. “Must you be a killjoy?”

“I ask him that all the time,” Umbra chimes in.

“The answer will always be yes,” you reply, looking between the two mares. “I live to suck the joy out of the lives of everyone around me. Speaking of no joy or life...” You turn to the still comatose Apricot, who looks like she’s long since had a heart attack. “You okay, Apri?”

The blue-eyed mare blinks then sucks in a breath, proving she didn't expire of shock after all. Apricot then shoots to her hooves and bows so deeply to an amused Luna that she almost brains herself on the floor.

“P-princess! I’m so sorry you had to see that!” she says. “I-I-I don’t know what happened to me, It’s just-!”

Apricot is cut off when Luna holds up a hoof. “It’s fine, my young guard,” she says, tone lighthearted. “My sudden appearance must have been startling. I understand.”

With palpable relief, Apricot stands back up.

Luna turns her attention to you again. “Like I was saying, Anonymous. Why wasn't I invited? Especially since it’s one of my films you intended to steal and use,” she asks with a real frown this time.

“We never said anything about stealing,” you retort before looking to Umbra, who nods. “We were in-route to ask you about it, and I don’t think any of us would have any reservations about you joining. That’s not just because you’re a princess, either.”

Luna’s frown deepens. “How odd. A guard reported the petty plot to me,” she grumbles. “I was about to send them to retrieve you for questioning before I decided to do it myself.”

“Retrieve me?” you ask with a raised brow. “As in, separate me from Umbra?”

Umbra scowls from her spot next you, then firmly wraps a foreleg around your own leg.

The princess nods. “It’s standard procedure, so individual stories cannot be coordinated between the accused parties. Knowing you two, however, you probably already had a story if the plot was genuine.” The implications hit her a moment later. She then sighs and rubs the bridge of her muzzle with a hoof. “I think I realize what was going on now… I apologize, Anonymous, Major. I did not intend to attack your integrity like that.”

“It’s fine, Princess,” Umbra says as she loosens her hold on you slightly. “We understand. Seems like the... less savory members of the vampony community are getting a bit bolder,” she finishes quietly.

The princess nods. “Indeed. We can discuss more in private. For now, I think we have more entertaining things to be arranging.” Luna turns to the unicorn vampony from before, who has his attention respectfully diverted away from the conversation.

“Mister Silver, please have a variety fountain sent to Mister Anonymous’ room. I will not have a movie and popcorn without cold soda,” Luna sniffs. “I’m no common mongrel, after all.”

“Of course, Highness. Your will be done,” Silver replies with a bow. “I’ll get on it now.”

He turns and briskly trots into the throng of other kitchen workers, letting you catch the platter cutie mark on his flank and explaining the name.

With a smile, Luna turns to your group. “Now that we have that out of the way. I believe we have a few more things to retrieve, yes?”

The kitchen doors close behind you and the ponies with a dull *clunk*, making the din of the busy room fade into mere background noise.

“I believe the projector will be the most tedious thing to take back, so perhaps we should gather it first,” Luna starts. “I’ll admit. I’m rather excited. It’s not often I get to enjoy a new film with company..”

Apricot looks up at the princess with wide, sparkling eyes. “Princess, is it really okay for me to join in on this?”

“But of course! The more, the merrier they say.”

The sight makes you crack a smile. “Lead on, we’ll follow.”

And lead the princess does.

While you and Umbra are a common sight to be roaming the castle, the rag-tag group you’ve assembled draws looks from every which way. It must be odd seeing the Princess, an alien, an officer, and a private just leisurely walking about. It’s like the start of a bad joke, really.

“So are we sticking with the plan and taking one of the auditorium projectors for the night?” Umbra asks. “If I’m right, then they have some sort of enchantment that scales the picture up or down without quality loss depending how close the screen is.”

Luna thinks it over with a hum. “Indeed. My own projector is sized just right for my personal theater, so it would not work well elsewhere. It would do us well to gather one with an adjustable picture. There is actually an auditorium just a wing away from my chambers, so we’re in luck in the regard.”

“Is it really okay for us to take it...?” Apricot mumbles quietly to herself. Not quietly enough, however, since Luna’s ear flicks towards her.

The private goes stiff. “I-I mean is it okay for us to do that, Your Highness!”

The night alicorn finally looks down at her and rolls her eyes. “No need to be nervous, young Apricot. I’m not about to strike you down because you forgot to suck up to me.”

The small mare looks down, her cheeks red with embarrassment.

“Besides…”

Apricot lets out a startled “Eep!” when a blue wing as large as herself pulls her into the princess’ side, smooshing her.

“You’re so tiny and adorable, private!” Luna exclaims with a wide grin, heedless of the guard’s struggles. “I don’t think I could be angry at you even if I tried.”

“I said the same thing,” you comment.

The poor mare coughs weakly. “P-princess. I think I-I’m suffocating…”

“Oh, my apologies.”

Apricot is unceremoniously dropped from the alicorn-powered embrace, where she falls the the ground with a *thump!*. The whole group stops to let her catch her breath before moving on.

“So, what have you been up to recently, Luna?” you ask, folding your arms behind your head as you walk. “I don’t think we’ve had the chance to talk since the breakfast a few weeks back.”

“Was that a few weeks ago?” The Princess questions with a furrowed brow. “It feels like it was longer… No matter I suppose. I’ve done little of importance since we last spoke, other than creating a task force for the recent Artisan District robberies.” Luna hangs her head, a raincloud practically forming over her. “All the work and coin I put into my little project just to have this happen…”

You step a bit closer and put a hand on Luna’s wither, making her perk up slightly.

“Wait, robberies? As in more than one robbery?” Umbra asks. “Princess, I was under the impression that there was just the one. Was there another another one?”

Luna nods. “Indeed. Hardly 12 hours ago in broad daylight no less. A pottery shop set near the front was burglarized and a number of items were stolen. The general description fit the perpetrator of the last crime.”

“Right, because a stallion of normal height, dark coat, and unknown mane color could only be one guy,” you snort.

The alicorn steadfastly ignores the snark. “The unusual items taken lead me to believe that there maybe a deeper goal than just simple profit, so I formed a personal taskforce to tackle the issue.”

“A-any clues yet, Your Highness?” Apricot asks with a timid waver.

“None yet.”

“So about as expected?” you ask with a roll of your eyes, earning you a blue wing to the face. “A ‘yes’ would have worked,” you mumble through Luna’s feathers.

“I’m sure they’ll find something, Princess. No crook is perfect,” Umbra says with an upbeat smile.

“Unless we’ve got a poner Carmen Sandiego,” you mutter.

Umbra’s ear flicks. “You say something, Anon?”

“Human thing,” you say, and wave the comment away. “Anyhow, how far are we from this auditorium?”

“Not far at our pace.”

The group walks in silence the rest of the way, or at least you try. Your own footsteps are as light as you can make them, but they still make enough noise to echo in the castle’s grand halls. Apricot’s hooves make only the lightest ‘tip tap’, easily mistakable for a mouse leisurely padding along. Both Umbra and Luna make no sound whatsoever, moving silently and gracefully like prowling cats rather than ponies. The three ponies do so despite each of them wearing metal shoes.

“Feels like we’ve been walking for ages now,” you break the quiet with a grumble. “I’m starting to think that our definitions of ‘not far’ might be different.”

You inspect the simple wooden doors, each one wide enough that you and seven or eight people could walk in and not touch shoulders. They swing open on oiled hinges with a single push, revealing a monolithic room.

“Ho-ly shit.”

Monolithic is actually an understatement. The massive chamber could hold an entire modern apartment complex inside with room to spare. What had to be thousands of seats sat in rows, broken by aisles stretching down the hundreds of meters long room. At the end was a stage multiple times larger than anything that could be found on Broadway. The ceiling is as high as the room is long and curved outward from the stage, presumably to maximize the sound for listeners. It’s has the telltale Canterlot extravagance seen elsewhere, with the seats all wide and padded, the floor fine hardwood and soft carpet, and not a speck of dust to be seen.

You close your hanging jaw with a quiet click of teeth that echoes around the enormous chamber. “Jesus, this place is enormous. When would you ever need this much room?” you ask, turning to Luna.

Luna takes in the sight without much of a reaction. “If my sister is accurate, then this was meant to be a briefing room for troops, big enough to seat all the royal guard if needed. After my, well, defeat…” She rubs the back of her neck with a forehoof uncomfortably, “Many of the other nations were cowed by Celestia’s display of power and strived to remain on Equestria’s good graces. Equestria has never had need of such a space considering the worst conflicts in the past millennia barely count as skirmishes.”

You nod along. Facing an angry Sunbutt would be daunting, even to a whole nation. “Now, how does this huge-ass place fit in the castle? I like to think I know the dimensions of the place I live in, and this doesn't quite fit.”

The princess smiles slyly. “You’re quite right. It should not fit. The spells upon all of Canterlot are powerful things. Spacial stretching is rather tame compared to the other oddities you may find if you look hard enough.”

Magic. Should have guessed.

“So this place was made into a…” Apricot starts, looking around and pausing for a phrase.

“A theatre hall?” Umbra suggests.

“Indeed,” Luna nods. “Now, where is that projector…”

Where indeed? You swivel your head around, finding nothing on the ground level. Inspecting higher on the wall reveals nothing either, despite the usual position of projectors in a theatre. Further up is...

“Is that it?” you ask, pointing up to a small, black object attached to a thick pole protruding from the center of the ceiling.

All three ponies look up, spying the object as well.

“Looks like a projector to me,” Umbra chirps. Without waiting for anyone else, she hops up and takes to the air, flying up to the supposed projector. She flutters around it for a moment, seemingly unsure. After a fruitless minute, the vampony shoots over to the stage and behind the curtain.

“What’s she doing?” Apricot asks with a tilt of her head.

“It’s probably screwed or bolted on there,” you start. “The maintenance guys should have some tools stashed away nearby.”

Sure enough, your guard flies back out with a screwdriver in her mouth and rises back the projector. The metallic tink tink scritch scratch! of the screwdriver on the projector mount echo in the large room, as do Umbra’s increasingly frequent growls of frustration. Several minutes pass with seemingly no progress

You sigh as your patience slowly diminishes.

“Oi Granny! Sometime tonight, please!” you yell into your cupped hands, getting an impressive echo.

Even from what has to be over one hundred meters up, Umbra’s sour face is easy to see. “I can’t get the screwdriver in right!”

“What? It’s a screwdriver, it’s not hard to use!” you yell back.

“Harder than you might think!”

“Uh, no!”

“Really now, smartass!?”

“Yeah, because basic tools aren’t beyond me!”

The pearly white grin should have been your warning to not walk right into her taunt, but you did it anyway. “Like you’d know how to use hard tools the right way. You nearly put yours in the wrong hole earlier!”

She really went there, and you let her do it. Already you feel your face burn a feverish red.

Luna’s jaw drops but she hastily raises a wing to cover the expression. Poor, innocent Apricot furrows her brow, trying to puzzle out what her superior meant. It takes the petite guard a moment, but when it finally clicks, so much blood rushes to her face that a normal pony would have fainted.

C’mon. Comeback. comeback. comeback...

“But but but..!” Apri stutters. “Doing things like t-that with the major? T-that’s so naughty!” she cries, her hooves on her red cheeks

Comeback, comeback, comeback…

Luna clears her throat and looks away. “Well, that’s certainly not convincing me that you aren’t together. My oh my, how risque.”

Comebackcomebackcomeback!

Bingo. “Yeah, you didn’t try to stop me though!”

Wait. Shit.

Luna’s eyes widen and her cheeks finally tinge pink. Apricot looks two steps away from a heart attack. And Umbra…

Umbra blinks like she doesn’t believe her ears. Slowly but surely though, her face takes a red hue through her smokey gray fur. “U-Uh... “

You turn to Luna and will the blush away from your own face with little success. “You mind helping her? We’ll be here all night otherwise.”

The Princess clears her throat after a moment. “Ah. Certainly.” She spreads her wings and takes off.

Jesus Christ what brought that reply on? You wonder to yourself. You shut your guard up, but did nothing to deflect the accusation off of yourself. Hell, you painted yourself along with her by not denying it. Now both Luna and Apricot probably think that you tried to…

The half-remembered sensation of what lays under the cobalt-colored tail makes your stomach flutter and your knees weak. You press your legs together more firmly to suppress a third reaction.

You let out a shaky sigh and return your attention upward.

Umbra relinquishes the screwdriver to the Princess, who takes it in her magic and tries to work the screws on the mount herself.

Keyword “tries.”

The muttered cursing Luna lets out makes it down to the ground easily, and the sounds coming from her work are much more violent than Umbra’s.

The metal mount groans and squeals under Luna’s harsher treatment, but it looks like she has the first screw out.

Creeeeeeeeek-SNAP!

Or not.

“Goddess damn it!” Luna roars as a broken screw and a nut fall to the floor with a terrible clatter, making both you and Apricot wince.

“Perhaps we should have gone to an actual cinema,” you mutter, scratching the back of your head as you look at the screwhead on the floor. “This is turning into a real hassle.”

“Maybe we could convince them to just show the movie here?” Apricot asks hopefully. “Then we won’t need to tear anything down.”

You snort. “Umbra might go with that, but Luna? No way. We’re in too deep and our beloved moon goddess has a ‘no half-ass’ rule. It’s do or die now. That thing is coming down even if the whole ceiling comes with it.”

The orange-maned guard sits back on her legs and crosses her forehooves. “That’s not very funny…”

“Good, because I wasn’t joking.”

Apricot inspects your flat expression for only a moment before she gulps.

“Come now, dear Anonymous. No need to make me out as a brute.”

Both you and Apricot turn to Luna and Umbra as they touch down. “Though I do appreciate the goddess comment. If you weren’t seeing the good major already, I might have thought about pursuing you,” the princess says with a wink.

You roll your eyes. “Jokes between friends, Princess. Jokes. What’s the situation with the projector?”

“Not good, I’m afraid,” Luna replies, unconcerned. “Major Umbra cannot get the proper leverage, and I... seem to be a bit too powerful for such an old fixture,” she says with a grumble. “This is something that needs more than a little dexterity. As such, I believe that you ‘are up’ as they say.”

You’re up?

You look up at the huge ceiling, where the projector is honestly more of a dot than anything. How they expected you to get up there, you have no idea.

“Gunna need a tall ladder,” you comment.

Luna smirks. “We’ve no ladders or time to acquire one. You’ll be flying up.”

“Excuse me?” you ask with a raised brow. “I think I misheard you. Fly? Last I checked, I’m the only one without wings here.”

“Who said you’ll be going up alone?” She asks, smirk growing. “I recall that the major can easily lift you.”

“Oh hell no.”

“No half-assing,” Luna says, quoting you. “Get up there. We’ve come this far and we’re not stopping now.” She raises her nose up and tries to hold a stoic visage, but her lips keep twitching.

“Is this because I was talking shit? Because I do that to all my friends, Luna. Don't do this,” you say, trying to not sound like you’re pleading.

You look over to Umbra helplessly, only for her to shrug. Her gold eyes dance with mirth, however. “Well, hop on I guess,” she says, turning to face you broadside with her wings open.

Turning to Luna and Apricot helps none. Luna just keeps her pose and Apricot…

Where is she? The fun-size mare is nowhere to be found. You glance around for her but find nothing.

You gulp and lock eyes with Luna. “You’re serious then?”

The alicorn can't hold back an amused smile.

“I’ll remember this.”

With a groan, you accept the screwdriver from Luna’s magic and step over Umbra’s back, lowering yourself until you were seated between her wings. It must have looked comical to any onlookers seeing such a small creature like a pony support the full weight of a grown man.

“Ready?” Your guard asks.

“I really don’t want to do this,” you groan again, gripping Umbra’s sides with your thighs.

“Here we go anyway!”

Just one flap of the vampony’s wings takes you three meters straight up, sending your stomach right to your feet. It only gets worse as you rise faster, making you grip her armor with your free hand.

“Oh god oh god oh shit…”

You look up at the approaching ceiling and valiantly try to pretend that the floor isn’t so far down that you’ll splatter should you fall.

“Whats with the bellyaching? You had no problem with me flying you home last night or any time before that.” Umbra looks over her shoulder with a raised brow. “Don’t be a foal.”

“I was so drunk last night that I couldn’t tell up from down. I’m nice and sober now, but I wish I wasn’t!” You say as you keep your eyes screwed shut. “Why is this thing so far up without a way to get to it? This seems like a gigantic design flaw.”

“Well, pegasi can get to it.”

“So only one third of the ponies around can get to it if something happened? I’m somehow unsurprised. This is definitely pony levels of foresight.”

Umbra lightly jostles you for the indirect insult, but you keep your mouth shut and refuse to give her the satisfaction of hearing your fright.

Your vampony mount slows to a stop next to the projector, letting you see that it’s just held to the ceiling with a pole and a circular plate with holes for screws. One of the four screws is missing thanks to Luna, and the whole rig is small enough to explain why Umbra couldn't get a decent angle on it. As you look at it…

...You catch a glimpse of the floor, which looks like it’s miles down at this height.

“If I fall and die, burn my things. I want no one to have them,” you tell Umbra with a huff.

She snorts and shakes you with her laugh. “You’re such a drama queen.”

You grunt and start on the projector mount. “I could just scream and shit myself to express how much I don't want to be up here.”

“Please don’t…”

It’s slow going and your shaky hands don't help, but the rusty screws and nuts steadily come loose. Luckily, Umbra has enough control in a hover to remain in place and balanced as you undo the screws.

Right before you undo the last one, a thought strikes you. “How are we going to get this thing down?” you ask, considering it’s too large for you to safely carry down while balanced on Umbra.

The pony under you is quiet for a moment. “We didn’t think this through, did we?”

You sigh. “Do we ever? We should have gone to a real cinema. Hey, Princess! Catch!”

The blue dot on the floor jumps. “What?!”

Umbra gasps as the last screw twists off, letting the old timey projector enter a free fall with an almost cartoony Acme whistle.

Luna scrambles to the spot right under it and just barely manages to catch the contraption in her magic before it can smash into the floor. She breathes a sigh of relief and sets it gently on the ground.

You and Umbra loiter in the airspace for a moment. “You know,” she starts, “if I didn’t feel them on my back, I’d think your balls are huge.”

You somehow manage to choke on nothing and sputter. “You’re so full of shit. Like you could feel my junk through your armor. J-Just get us to the ground. Those balls are freezing, you flying icebox.”

She looks back at you with a smirk and starts a slow glide to the ground.

“Do you think you’re funny, Mister Anonymous!” Luna calls up, a slight scowl marring her pretty face.

“I’m a god-damn comedian! Buy tickets now because my shows sell out quick!” you shout back, prompting Umbra to let out a melodious giggle.

Luna puffs her cheeks out in annoyance. Good.

“Do you have to antagonize the highest authority in the land?” Your guard asks with a raised eyebrow.

“Someone has to.”

“Everypony! Look at what I found!” a new voice cuts in.

All eyes turn to Apricot all the way over on the stage. The small mare holds a small remote controller in her mouth that she sets down and presses a button on. The ceiling rumbles, then a hydraulic hiss sounds from somewhere. Nary a second later, the pole that once held the projector starts to lower to the ground with a mechanical whine.

You pinch your eyes shut and hiss out a breath through your teeth.

“Anon? I can feel your pulse climbing…”

“That’s because it is, Umbra. That’s because it is.”

The trip to Luna’s chambers is thankfully much more sedate. True to the princess’s word, it’s a short trip but still long enough for your temper to cool. Though you can’t help but wonder about the odd placement of her room, considering the various royals, nobles, and VIPs get a special wing.

“I’m not terribly social, but you know that much already. Much of this area is unused, so I’ve taken it as my own for a number of projects and indulgences,” Luna says as she opens her chamber door. “Here we are!”

Despite being one of the few close friends of the Lunar Princess, you’ve never actually seen her room until now. It’s… not what you expected.

“This seems a little bare for the personal space of an alicorn, to be honest,” Umbra says, her gold eyes scanning over the sparsely furnished room. “I sort of expected… “

“Extravagance? Luxury? Eye melting beauty?” you finish for her, walking in and looking over a weathered desk of varied magic doodads yourself. “I’m surprised as well.”

The room is immensely spartan by the standards of a royal. A few bookshelves against the mono blue walls, work desks covered with magic items and tools of uncertain origin, a currently closed balcony with a few telescopes, an unmarked door near the back and... A crescent moon shaped bed frame?

You try not to let out a mean-spirited laugh, deciding that you’ve pushed Luna’s buttons enough for today.

“I like it…” Apricot says quietly, only to squeak when the Princess pulls her into another crushing one-winged hug.

Luna rolls her teal eyes at you and your guard. “With the amount of disdain I hold for the nobility and their sort, do either of you think I would go out of my way to mirror them? I do not require useless luxury. And Anonymous?”

Your hand freezes halfway to a little glass heart glowing an enticing gold. “Yes?”

“Don’t touch that. If I have to show your ash pile and soot silhouette to my dear sister, she will not be pleased.”

You click your tongue and return your hand to your side.

“Now don't touch anything else either. I’ll be just a moment,” the alicorn commands, setting the projector in her magic down and trotting to the door in the back, Apricot still under her wing.

You sigh for what seems like the million time today and turn to Umbra as you hear the door Luna was heading into shut. The little vampony pick-ups on the unspoken message and trots to your side, pressing her chilled body into your leg.

“Tired?” she asks, already knowing the answer.

“Also got a migraine from hell.”

“I’m sorry.”

You slowly run your fingers through her cobalt mane, letting the pleasant cool radiate up your arm and silently relish the contact. She responds by wrapping a gentle foreleg around your leg and resting her face against your hip in a light nuzzle.

“If I had known how much of a bother this was going to be, I would have just gotten everything myself and let you sleep,” she continues, her form slackening against your side. “I should have stood up for you when the princess wanted you to fly to the ceiling with me.” She smiles ruefully.

You take a slow breath. “I’m not going to ask you to go against your commander in chief. I’m aware that having a friend who is also your superior is some wonky shit, but that’s how Luna runs things. Your first loyalty is to her, after all.”

“You’re my charge, though…” Her grip on you tightens just the slightest amount, “and I keep failing to protect you. Tartarus, Anon, you provide more for me than I do for you. Your well being was and still is trusted to me, but I can’t even speak out against a bad idea? What if you had fallen, Anon? I would-”

“-Have caught me,” you cut her off with a frown. “If I didn’t trust you with my life, do you really think I’d let you fly me that high, even with Luna getting uppity about it?”

Umbra remains silent, but her eyes lock with yours.

“You have kept me protected, you know,” you venture on. “Just because the threat wasn’t physical, doesn't mean you haven’t done your duty,” you idly rub the spot behind her ear as you think on your next words. “When I got dropped into this wild pony world, still half in shock and missing home, I learned I was getting a permanent guard. I thought for sure that meant some stiff who was just supposed to spy on me and drag me out of trouble by force. A life of just being an alien kept on a leash, if that could be called a life. But what I actually got?”

The mare at your side hangs off every word.

You snort. “Fuck me, this is corny. What I got was the best friend I’ve ever had across two whole worlds. One who worries, who listens, who goes out of her way for me not because it’s her job, but because she cares. She chased away a lot of my fears and doubts just by staying close at my side, protecting me from things a regular guard couldn't. Even when a reward other guards would kill for found its way into the little system, she still would have gone above and beyond without it.”

A lopsided smile grows on your face. “She’s kind of an impulsive scatterbrain, and sometimes doesn't know when to shut up, but I wouldn't have her any other way. That mare’s name?” You look down, sparkling golden eyes staring back, “Major Umbra of the Lunar Guard.”

Umbra sits back on her haunches and covers her mouth with a hoof, her eyes wide. “A-anon… Do you mean it…?”

“Every single word.”

The guard sniffles, and when she lowers the hoof on her mouth, she has a quivering smile. “I…” She stops her words short and just lets her smile grow just the slightest bit, She raises herself on her hind legs and hops, her forelegs wrapping around your neck in a hug.

You smile and bend just enough that you can hug her back, but the soft sensation and quiet smack of lips on your cheek stops you. Her soft cheek is pressed to yours right after.

“Thank you, Anon,” Umbra whispers in your ear, her cool breath sending tingles up your spine.

You pull her into a tight embrace, feeling nothing but her, seeing nothing but her, and hearing nothing but her.

For a moment, all is right with the world.

Luna watches the young (to her, at least) pair hold each other through the crack in her personal theater door with a small grin, the film reel held in her magic long forgotten. “I do so love when a plan comes together,” she says to herself. “Don’t you think so private?... Private Apricot?”

The orange-maned mare can only groan from her place smashed into Luna’s side thanks to the large wing pinning her there.

“Oops…"

Author's Note

Fug. Me and my proofreader had a bit of a disagreemrnt on this chapter. I hope you all enjoy it. I think you'll notice a shift come next chapter

Chapter 11 tease

“I think Princess Luna is already wanting another movie night.”

You grunt into your sip of coffee before setting the steaming mug back down to the cafe table. “Is she going to crash in my bed and snore like a chainsaw like last time?”

“Whats a chainsaw?”

“Loud.”

You and Umbra are seated in the back of a small cafe that opened in the front part of the Artisans District as the last sun rays over the horizon fade. A quaint, rustic place that's open 24/7 for night owls and vamponies, the latter of whom are starting to come out now that the sun has fallen.

Umbra hums in thought as she watches the rising steam coming your mug. “So some human contraption? Everything that comes from earth seems loud and annoying,” she says, the beginnings of an impish grin on her muzzle.

“You’d fit right in, don’t you worry.”

Your best friend rolls her eyes, her grin not falling. “Fitting in isn’t something to worry about. I’m just wanting all the guys to suck on.”

You cough and hack when you inhale mid-drink, hot coffee scorching your poor trachea. The sudden spike of raging jealousy hurts even more than your burnt lungs, through.

With some effort, you force down the urge to cough more when the few other patrons in the cafe look your way over the racket. “W-what..?!”

Umbra giggles behind a hoof. “Jeez, such a scandalized face you've got over a joke,” she says, reaching across the table with a napkin in hoof to dab at your coffee-stained chin. “I’m not looking for a new boy toy any time soon.”

You snatch the napkin from her and wipe your face off yourself, muttering a curse under your breath. Why she felt the need to say such things, you have no idea.

The fanged grin falls of Umbra’s face when one of her ears twitch. She blinks and twitches it again. “Do you hear that?”

“If you have to ask, then the answer is no. What’s up?”

Her face slowly morphs into a very not-Umbra frown. “I swear I just heard glass breaking some ways down the road, and I don’t mean something like a cup being dropped. More like a store window being busted.”

Suddenly, a dull “boom” rattles the cafe just the slightest, making everyone inside gasp and more than one set of ears fold back.

“Okay, I heard that one.”

Umbra is out of her chair and already at the door, little more than a grey and blue blur. “C’mon Anon!”

You toss a 10 Bit coin on the table and run after her with a sigh. “Yet again we run TOWARDS the explosion than away…”

Outside, ponies mill about unsurely, chatter from countless mouths about the sudden noise filling the air with nervous energy. You watch Umbra’s ears tilt to and fro trying to pick out info from the dull roar. While she was busy with that, you walk over to a vampony mare poking her head out of a nearby store.

“Heya,” you greet shortly. “Any idea what happened?”

The mare bites her lip and shakes her head. “I’ve none. I just heard that boom and wondered…Oh please don’t let it be changelings...”

So a normal vampony didn’t hear glass breaking but heard the explosion. If the two are related, then it must be deeper in the alleyway. But why is the big question? Further down it gets, the more run down and sparse it becomes. The only thing of value down there besides niche shops is Glimmer’s store.

‘Glimmer’s store…Oh shit.’

Another boom echos from further down the alley, turning the worry around you into fright as the ponies around steadily retreat away from the noise. Only Umbra and a few other braver souls refrain from running.

Your guard bristly trots to you and turns around, backside facing you. “Hop on. We need to move,” she says, her tone uncharastically serious.

“Not this again…” you groan.

Umbra rolls her eyes and does a wing-assisted hop up backwards, smacking her armored rump into your hips.

You tilt forward and have to wrap your arms around her neck to not eat dirt. Before you can complain about how inappropriate the rump-on-groin move was, she spreads her wings and asks; “Ready?”

“Ready? For WhAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

The whole world is suddenly a blur of color sided by an endless roar of wind in your ears. Every pump of the wings on each side of you sendings you and your ride rocketing just a bit faster. Your legs can only drag behind you, helpless to the air resistance pulling them back like ribbons on a kite. You have to press your face into Umbra’s neck so the air doesn’t tear at your eyes and mouth.

“You’re a bitch!” you yell at the top of your lungs.

Her reply is lost to the din of flight.

After the longest twelve seconds of your life, Umbra slows enough that your legs can fall, letting the tips of your shoes drag for twenty or so feet before she lands and stops.

You just hang onto the vampony for a moment, trying to reorient yourself and pull your stomach out of the soles of your feet. “Christ…”

“Oh don't be a foal, Anon. We’re gone faster than that before,” Umbra teases, but despite the tease, she waits for you to let go rather than shrugging you off.

You slide off of her side and land heavily on the cobblestone street back-first. The sun has set now, leaving the sky a beautiful shade of purple, you note.

A set of gold eyes peer down at you. “I know the sky is nice and all, but I think we’ve got more pressing things…” Umbra says, her eyes looking to the side.

Turning your head, you follow her gaze and feel your eyes almost bug out of their sockets.

The front of Glimmer’s shop is gone. Not broken or destroyed, but gone. The better part of a perfectly round hemisphere stands where the door was with no debris around. A look at the ground shows the last bit of the hemisphere and a bowl shaped divot in the ground. It’s as if a sphere of space just stopped existing. Glimmer stands just outside, unhurt, but her creepy smile is so forced that it looks physically painful and her horn sheds sparks every few seconds.

You roll to your front and stand, pushing away the lingering nausea. “You okay, Glimmer?”

The unicorn’s wide eyes focus on you with such intensity that you almost flinch. The enchantress is silent for a moment. “Your concern is appreciated, Mister Anonymous,” she says, voice little more than a seething hiss. “I am unharmed, but I cannot say the same for my humble shop… Or the intruder.”

Beside you, Umbra’s eyes widen. “You mean..?” she trails off, looking at the obliterated storefront.

“He is not deceased, sadly,” Glimmer says with a wave of her hoof. “The miscreant was woefully unprepared for me to defend my wares and in his panic, threw several of my gems at the ground. They detonated with a flash that blinded me, and by the time I was fit to pursue, he was gone and the damage was done.”

Umbra sighs. “What a mess. No idea where he went then?”

The ‘crackle-spark’ of the unicorn mare’s horn is the only sign of her agitation as her smile strains more. “None. But…” She glances back towards the ruined shop, her horn lighting up before a clear crystal ball in a fuchsia aura floats out. “I did capture his visage with memory gem acting as a camera. It will be a standard practice from now on.” she finishes, smile easing slightly.

The apple-sized ball is dropped into your outstretched hand and immediately lights up. In its depths, a scene starts to play from the crystal ball’s point of view on the counter.

A pony in a covering black cloak enters the store without a sound and talks with Glimmer, lips moving but silent.

‘No audio then,’ you think, glancing away long enough to see Umbra hovering over your shoulder.

The cloaked pony points to something behind the counter and out of the ball’s view with a hoof. Glimmer nods and opens her logbook. Then in one swift motion, the unicorn grabs the customer’s cloak in her magic and rips it off, leaving a startled, brown-coated earth pony stallion behind. The crystal stopped playing and zoomed in on him without any prompting. He’s honestly pretty unremarkable sans what looks like a backpack cutie mark.

...Why is it a backpack when ponies use saddlebags?

Umbra studies the crystal ball in your hand with narrowed eyes. “So this is the so-called ‘Outback’, right?”

“Undoubtedly,” Glimmer responds with a nod. “Now whether or not that the name is an alias remains to be seen. I can only assume that it is, as what criminal would give their real name just before they commit a felonious act?”

You click your tongue and shake your head. “I don’t know… there are some stupid and sometimes bold crooks out there. If they think that they’re hot shit, they may actually use their real name.”

“Either way, just being able to put a face to a name helps immensely. With his cutie mark caught as well, that will help more than anything,” Umbra says, still looking at the crystal ball. “Are you able to keep the image frozen? If we turn this over to the CPD, then that should help out their investigation and put this guy behind bars even faster.”

“Of course,” Glimmer responds, the strain on her still too-wide smile easing. Her horn glows and the hazy image of the surprised stallion in the crystal becomes much clearer and stops wavering as if it were on an old TV. “The faster that this moronic troublemaker is punished, the happier I am.”

Glimmer looks back over her shoulder to the wrecked front of her small shop. “Now, if you would excuse me, Major, Anon, I’ll need to lock down what remains of my shop and get in contact with my…” the unicorn makes the closest thing to a frown you seen yet on her. “... insurance company.”

You wince in sympathy and slip the crystal ball into one of the internal pockets of your jacket. “From the look on your face, I can already tell that insurance is still not fun to deal with even in a completely different world. Good luck.”

The unicorn shakes her head, sending a wave down her mane. “They wouldn’t be a proper insurance agency if they weren’t most unpleasant to deal with. I bid you both a good night.” With that, Glimmer turns and retreats.

You stuff your hands into the pockets of your jacket and groan. “Great, a nice walk all the way to the police station… which is on the other side of town. Fun.”

You look up to Luna’s Moon in the cloudless sky, but you know that Umbra is rolling her eyes. “If you don’t want to walk, I could just fly us there at top speed.”

Without even bothering to respond or even look away from the moon, you turn and start walking back towards the front of the Artisans District, earning you a giggle from the vampony.

Barely even 10 yards away from your starting point by the enchantress’s shop, you hear Umbra suddenly stop, stiffen, and about-face if the slight rustle of her armor is anything to go by. Somewhere close behind you, the gentle taptaptaptap of four metal ponyshoes lightly landing on cobblestone makes you stop as well.

“Well,” a delicate, feminine voice so wrapped in sensuality that your heart skips a beat begins. “It looks like this one will need to up her training is her response time is so poor.”

You lick your suddenly dry lips and turn.

Luminescent emerald eyes partially covered by a subdued pink mane stare back, mirth dancing within them.

“Orchid?”

Author's Note

I am the worst. More to cum since I'm not worked like a dog who wants to kill himself anymore.

Chapter 1

It’s day... or rather night 211 in the castle of the equine nation known as Equestria.

The whole land seemed to be something out of a fairy tale, as it’s filled to the brim with arcane secrets and beasts so magnificent that Earth’s most alien fauna are put to shame. It has been a surprisingly languid journey from your first frightening and confusing day to now, almost eight months later. Your new hosts had been incredibly kind and accommodating. Not once have they ever lashed out at you, whether it be in confusion or frustration. In fact, they had been so kind and trusting that at first you had suspected some sort of trap. But it all turned out well, much to your relief.

The only negative part was that as the only human in Equestria, you were placed under a protection act for endangered species. This means that you had to have a guard tail you in public places. It’s annoying at times, but still tolerable.

You step out of your bed and stretch with a mighty yawn. For whatever reason, the ambient magic in the air has reversed your sleeping cycle, meaning you find it much more restful to sleep during the day and be active during the night.

Princess Luna seemed fine with the turn of events. She’s glad that the resident alien is nocturnal like her, though you swear it’s just so she can childishly hold it over her sister’s head.

You couldn’t say that you minded too much either. Though the Equestrian nightlife is somewhat sparse, the atmosphere of the land greatly made up for it.

The ever different constellations, courtesy of the lunar alicorn, and almost total lack of light pollution makes the backdrop of everywhere you go simply breathtaking.

’Knock knock!’

You turn to the door of your suite-like room. Although you are required to have a guard or two in public, they tend to seek you out instead, like they did just now...

The door swings open on oiled hinges to reveal the smirking visage of a nightguard mare.

Like the others of the nightguard core, she has charcoal gray fur that extends into tufts on her chest and the tips of her ears. Her slitted eyes, the same color as gold coins, lock their fond gaze onto yours. Finally, folded at her sides are a pair of leathery, bat-like wings. At the moment, she is devoid of the indigo armor that Luna’s troops typically sport.

“Anon,” she greets with a grin, before slowly sauntering up to you.

“Umbra. I thought tonight was your night off?” you ask as she hops up on your bed and makes herself comfortable next to you. Now that she’s up close, you can see the subtle differences that set her apart from her peers.

Her fur has a noticeable luster, her eyes shine and seem especially attentive, her ears swivel around at sounds you can’t seem to hear, and her muscles are slightly more toned than other night guards. All of those little improvements are probably because of you...

“Oh, it is,” she confirms jovially. “But what else would I do other than spend time with my favorite human?”

“Umbra, I’m the ONLY human here...” you deadpan.

“Well, that just makes you even more special!” she says as she raises a foreleg and somehow manages to pinch your cheek with her hoof.

You just give her an unimpressed stare in return.

She playfully rolls her eyes. “Alright you grump, I’m technically on overtime if that improves this any.”

Umbra makes to say more, but is cut off by her stomach loudly growling. Her eyes widen and she blushes a light pink in embarrassment. “Heh, I think I forgot to have breakfast before coming here. My bad...”

“Riiiight, you so conveniently,” finger quotations “forgot to eat before seeing me. What are the chances of that?”

You idly wonder why you keep this up. Umbra is just going to get her way, as usual.

“I was in a hurry because I wanted to see you...” she mumbles self-consciously, making a pang of guilt run through you.

You sigh and rub your temples. It’s too early for this. She set you up. Just like she does every time she sees you. Resigned to your fate, you shift your legs around and get comfortable before turning your head to the side.

Umbra wastes no time and clambers into your lap, her sad face replaced with a beaming smile. A smile that reveals two long, pointy fangs.

The things you do for friends...

“Anon, you are just too kind, you know that?” she asks as she nuzzles herself into the crook of your neck, tickling your chin with her soft, short cropped mane and filling your nose with the scent of lilac.

“You owe me, and I won’t forget it,” you warn her halfheartedly.

“Hmmm... Thats fine with me...” Umbra replies, her voice little higher than a throaty purr. With her muzzle against your exposed neck, she inhales deeply, taking in the scent of your flesh, and more importantly, what lies beneath it.

As you found out from your first month here, all of Luna’s guards...

Umbra smiles again, once more showing off her gleaming teeth.

...Are vampires...

Her whole body lets out a few brief shivers of anticipation against yours, a reaction that she’s had ever since the first time. Her mouth opens, and she gives a long, testing lick to the artery on your neck, before quietly smacking her lips and shivering again. With excruciating slowness, she lowers her mouth to your bared neck, unhurriedly sinking her pearl white fangs into you.

You flinch at the brief flare of pain, but otherwise dare not move. You hope beyond all hope that Umbra doesn’t see your heated face. It’s bad enough that she insists on doing this to you, so you’ll never let her know in any way shape or form that you enjoy it as well.

For some unfathomable reason, humans can’t be turned by pony vampire bites, and human blood is apparently many times more appetizing, filling, and nutritious than anything else available. You’re silently thankful.

It’s... different. Different knowing that you have something that the night guard wants so badly, and that she has to take it directly from you. If you were a cruel man, you would deny her just to see her squirm. But you could never do that even if you tried.

She’d never let you live any of it down.

The batmare stifles a moan as she drinks your precious lifeblood, her eyes fluttering and body slowly going limp.

You wrap your arms around her to keep her held up, letting her cool, plush-furred body rest against yours as she takes in her fill. Your heart is beating a mile a minute, whether it’s from being fed on, or just yourself, you’re not sure. You hope that Umbra is too zoned out feel it.

She takes an especially large gulp, making you the slightest bit lightheaded, but you shake it away as to not fall over.

Her eyes slowly become unfocused. Before long, it’s as if she’s in a bliss induced trance.

You and her remain there, each holding tightly to the other for what seems like hours, but is in reality less than ten minutes. Finally she pulls away from you, leaving two slowly bleeding holes in your neck that she absentmindedly licks until the blood stops oozing out of them. Even when done, she doesn’t bother to move out of your lap, but rather opts to lean against you as she digests her meal.

Pushing the heat away from your face, you look down at Umbra with a raised eyebrow.

“You’re a real pain in the neck, you know that?”

She lets out a low laugh and looks up at you, gold eyes twinkling with mirth. “How long did it take you to think up one?”

Hovering just outside the window, a pair of red-faced night guard pegasi ponder over what they just saw. Did Major Umbra just FEED on the resident human? And he’s fine? No turning? No freaking out? But most importantly, Umbra looked like she was drinking an orgasm the instant she stuck him with her fangs. Is human blood that good?

The pair look at each other. Somepony needs to know this.

With the sound of wings beating in chilled air, the pair of bat-winged guards take off from the windowsill into their master’s night.

“Are you quite done?”

“...No... you’re warm, you know that?”

You roll your eyes as Umbra refuses to move from her spot leaned against you.

The night guard in your lap gives you a cheeky grin as you level her with an unimpressed stare.

“You can be pretty irritating when you want, can’t you?”

Umbra smiles, showing off her red-stained fangs. Even now, it’s still so odd to think that the red on her teeth is YOUR blood.

“Only for you,” she says dramatically. “You’re almost too much fun to rile up.”

If it was even possible, you feel your face flatten into a look so unamused for a second, you fear that it might stick like that.

She just snickers behind a hoof. Well, that’s all fine and good, because two can play at that game.

You stand so fast off of the bed that Umbra has no time to react, launching her off of you with a high-pitched, bat-like squeal of surprise. Before she can fall, you reach out and catch her just beneath the forelegs, leaving her hanging in your hands.

The batmare blinks in surprise and looks down, seeing the floor still a fair distance away from her hanging hooves. She turns her gold eyes back to yours, both of them reflecting gratefulness as she smiles brightly.

“Thanks Anon, I thought for a second there you’re going to let me-!”

You smirk evilly and take your hands out from under, letting her drop.

“FAALLL! Oof!” she cries as she lands rump first on the hard floor.

She stands with a wince and rubs her sore behind with a foreleg. “Oww... did you need to do that?” she asks, both her tone and her stare accusing.

You shrug and give her a lopsided smile. “What can I say? You’re too much fun to rile up.”

Umbra grumbles and pouts at the sudden turnabout.

“So, do you know if they’re still serving breakfast downstairs? You may be full, but I’m feeling pretty peckish,” you ask the nightguard.

She stops her pouting in favor of a thinking pose. “Hmm, actually I think I came in here a little early. So they must just be getting everything set up down there. Before we go, you might want to put something else on,” she says, pointing out the fact that you’re still in the shorts and T-shirt that you were sleeping in, “or do you? The whole ‘human needing clothes’ thing is pretty weird...” she absentmindedly ponders.

You roll your eyes and make a shooing motion at the door. “I’ll change real quick. Head out and I’ll join you in a minute.”

Umbra raises an eyebrow and smiles slyly. “What? Is big, bold Anon afraid to be unclothed in front of a pony? Or is it because I’m a mare? Come on, I won’t tell anypony what I see...”

Your face goes pink in embarrassment as you try to put together a reply. “Umbra! It’s a cultural sort of thing. I can’t exactly undo a lifetime of social conditioning, you know.”

The smile on her face almost looks dirty now. “‘Out with the old, in with the new’ they say. Same can go for traditions. Why not start now?” she says, waggling her eyebrows.

You force the color away from your face and point stiffly at the door. “Out.”

Umbra sticks her tongue out teasingly as she complies. “You’re no fun,” she says lightly.

Once you hear the door close behind her, you walk up to the dresser and swap outfits into something more presentable. It’s just jeans, a clean shirt, and a zip up hoodie, but the ponies don’t know that it’s casual clothing. That means you can just waltz around nobles and the princesses looking like a scrub and none of them realize it. It’s nice.

Speaking of that, you need to see if any of the castle tailors know how to make denim. This is your last intact pair of jeans.

Now that you don’t look like you just fell out of bed, you walk out into the hall just outside your room.

At night, it’s as if the whole castle transforms.

In place of the sunlight that would usually be streaming through the windows, the silver light of the moon softly illuminates everything its rays fall upon. In the places where the moonlight is not enough, torches that burn with blue flame are placed, giving the area a blue glow and a shaded feeling without robbing castle residents of their sight.

The tapestries depicting Celestia’s accomplishments are rolled up, and in their place are ones that depict Luna’s many adventurous endeavors.

What you love most about the castle at night though, is how inviting everything feels. It’s just as awe-inspiring during the day, but how Luna and the night ponies have it set up after the moon rises...

It’s, dare you said for how cheesy it is? Enchanting. As if your eyes don’t want to be pulled away from the sight.

Looking down, you find Umbra waiting for you just as she said she would. “Ready?”

You give her a nod.

She smiles and starts a leisurely trot down the hallway with you walking at her side.

Despite yourself, you can’t help but feel at ease here in Canterlot. You expected the residents, many of whom are nobles and other well-to-do individuals, to be stiff and unkind. But it seemed to be the opposite, for most of them were actually rather friendly after they got over their fright of you. They’re still posh and formal, but that was to be expected. There are the handful of prudes who think you’re some filthy beast, though. Can’t please everyone you guess.

The guards were a totally different matter. While the stoic solar guards wouldn’t break their indifferent front, they don’t shy away from you. The lunar guards would crowd around you when you first arrived as they were totally open with their curiosity. None of them were anywhere near as curious as Umbra, though, and that’s how your friendship with her started.

You look around at the familiar, but still unnavigable halls as a grimace forms on your face. Even after living here for the better part of a year, you would still get lost pretty easy.

“Umbra, how do you know where you’re going around here? Everywhere seems the same to me,” you ask the mare with a smidgen of frustration in your voice.

She smiles as she walks, her pearly teeth flashing in the low light. “As an officer, I have to know the ins and outs of the entire castle. It took a while to memorize, but it was certainly worth it.” She looks up at you. “Want me to help you memorize the place sometime?” she asks inquisitively. ”You never know when it could come in handy.”

You mull it over for a moment. It would be nice to be able to get around without having to stop and ask for directions every other hallway. But surely Umbra has other duties she has to take care of?

“Umbra, I don’t mean to sound like I’m trying to get rid of you, but don’t you have other duties as a guard? I don’t want you getting in trouble just because you wanted to take the time to help me out.”

“Aww, Anon...” she nuzzles herself against your legs affectionately with a warm expression, not unlike a cat. “It’s real sweet of you to think that, but I can just dump some of my paperwork on somepony else to make time.”

That... seems like a terrible way to make time.

“Are you sure about that? Because it sounds to me like you’re just trying to get out of work now,” you point out.

She huffs. If her wings had feathers, you’re sure that they will be ruffled in annoyance. “Hey now, I’m trying to do something nice for you. Now it sounds like you’re trying to get of spending time with me.”

You raise a hand in a pacifying gesture. “Just saying. I’m not going to say no if that’s what you’re going to do.”

Umbra goes from irritated back to joyful and what seems to be an instant. Even in different worlds, women still seem to be bipolar when you least expect it...

You and the batpony round the corner and begin to hear the sounds of the large dining room where the princesses would hold frequent banquets. It wouldn’t be long before you arrived.

“Say Umbra,” you start, getting the attention of your companion, “what have you been up to lately? This is the first time seeing you in a few days.”

“Oh you know, same old same old,” she says with a shrug, “paperwork, training recruits...” She smiles, fangs sparkling, and you swear you hear a low growl in her throat. “...Beating ponies senseless in sparing sessions.”

Oh boy, here we go. You cross your arms and roll your eyes. “Yeah, beating them senseless because you’re getting a power buff from me.”

Umbra looks up at you, golden eyes flashing with mock hurt. “Anon, don’t tell me you have no faith in my abilities as a guard! That cuts me deep...” She melodramatically holds a hoof over her heart and lets out a fake sniffle.

You snort and smile at the antics. It’s ironic how the night guards have more personality and are more approachable than the gold-sporting solar guards.

The rest of the short trip is spent in companionable silence.

Once inside the dining room, the delicious smell of gourmet food and the dull roar of conversation assaults your senses.

Umbra subtly winces in pain and folds her ears back, feeling the nasty drawback of being strengthened by your blood: sensory overload.

Waiters come and go from the long table with the haste only well-paid servers have. Filling drinks, taking orders, bringing out food, and taking dirty dishes. Most of the space at the table is taken up by night guards, seeing as there are so few of them, that they can all fit in the room. Other than the guards, there is the occasional night-owl noble and a handful of vampony scholars, many of the latter are reading as the eat.

“Anon? Major?”

You both look to see Princess Luna looking toward you from the head of the table. She then smiles and waves you over. “You’re just in time! Come and sit!” she says, indicating two open chairs on her right.

Once seated, a vampony waitress comes up with a small notepad and pencil held in a purple aura. Apparently, any of the three races can be turned as you learned early on. The waitress is a unicorn, meaning she lacks wings but has a horn.

She looks like other vamponies. Gray fur, slitted eyes, and the points of her fangs poking out of her lips. The difference comes from the un-spiraled, slightly curved horn poking out of her mane.

You always thought it strange how the horn changes after being turned.

The waitress flips to a clean cage in her notepad and clears her throat. “Mr. Anonymous, Major Umbra, what can I get for you tonight?”

Umbra waves off the waitress. “I’m not hungry. Thanks for asking though.”

The unicorn turns to you, her eyes strangely intense. “For you, Mr. Anon?”

“Some eggs, toast, and coffee would be all right for me,” you say quickly, uncomfortable with the waitresse's stare.

She averts her eyes for just a moment to write down your order, then returns them to you. “How do you want your eggs and coffee?”

“Over easy, black,” you answer a little faster this time.

She jots it down and then looks over to Luna. “Your Majesty? Anything I can get you? A refill on your coffee, maybe?” the unicorn waitress asks, dropping the leer that she was giving you.

Luna just smiles and shakes her head.

With that, the waitress takes off, but not without giving you another unsettling look.

The instant that the unicorn is out of earshot, Luna looks to you and Umbra with an unsure smirk. “So, We have heard an interesting rumor that just started to float around...”

Author's Note

This is a side project that's been sitting on my pastebin for awhile. I figured I'd upload it here because, why not? Don't expect updates often, since I tend to only write this then I can't focus on my other work.

Chapter 6

Umbra’s description of her replacement left you feeling... watched. Not in the ‘I think I’ve met this person but don’t remember’ way, but the ‘holy shit I think I’m being stalked’ kind of way.

It’s an immensely disconcerting feeling.

“So, uh, weird question, but does your replacement have a… criminal record?” You ask, dreading the answer.

The batpony looks up at you with a raised eyebrow. “No… I thought I told you before, Princess Luna won’t let crooks be a part of her guard. We do pretty thorough background checks.”

For some reason, that doesn't reassure you. “Are you sure?” you question skeptically. “Because I’m getting a nasty feeling about this Orchid character. No skeletons in her closet?”

Umbra shakes her head. “Nope. She’s as clean as they come. I got to look through her record during the evaluation. There was nothing that would raise a red flag.”

Well shit. Umbra knows her subordinates, so maybe you’re worrying over nothing. Maybe…

You let out a sigh. “Alright, I might be losing it over nothing I guess. But I still don’t feel the best about this…”

Umbra presses herself a little more firmly to your side, her cool hide soothing your nerves as she says, “You don’t have anything to worry about here, Anon. Myself, the princess, and the other guards are looking out for you.”

It takes some effort to not bring up how you were almost mauled by one of said guards.

”We would NEVER let anything happen to you.”

You rub your temples, vainly trying to stave off an oncoming headache. “You say that…”

One of your hands finds it’s way to the top of Umbra’s head, where you idly run your fingers through her mane, bringing a content, closed-eye smile to her face.

“...But I still can’t help but worry.”

Your guard cracks an eye open, taking in your concern with her smile diminishing. Then, it comes back just as quickly and twice as wide. “Tell you what? I’ll clear my schedule out so I can be by your side until this nasty feeling of yours blows over. Even if Orchid or somepony else is out to get you, they would have to go through me!”

You look at the grinning vampony pressed into your side with surprise. She just more or less agreed to give up her social life for an unknown time just to make you feel better. Your heart swells some. You really lucked out with Umbra…

Pulling the surprisingly light mare into your lap with a squeak from her, you wrap her in a grateful hug. A shiver runs down your spine as the little vampire soaks up all the warmth your arms generously provide. “Thank you, Umbra. That really means a lot to me.”

She opens her mouth like she wants to reply, but stops midway and nestles herself to your chest, looking up at you with soft eyes.

You really would be lost without her… The thought makes you hug her a little tighter.

For a few moments, you and the vampony just sit together and savor the company of the other. It’s the rare moments like these that you enjoy most.

“Hey, Umbra?”

”Mmm… Yes, Anon?” she asks tiredly, slowly falling asleep from all the heat she’s pulling from you.

“I’m still upset about the bitemark.”

“What!” Umbra suddenly squawks, her tranquil mood totally ruined. “But I said—“

“That it was an accident, I know. I’m still pissed off, though.”

The batpony huffs and wiggles out of your hold, taking her chilled hide away from yours. She lands hooves first on the bedroom floor and does a full body-shake, starting at the head and moving back in a wave like a canine would.

“Fine then, be a jerk,” she playfully jabs, sticking her tongue out at you as she does so.

“Gladly.”

Umbra snorts and then turns to look out the uncurtained window of your bedroom, seemingly eyeing a small portion of the town in particular. “Say, Anon?” she questions as she turns to you. “Why don’t we go see how the artisans district is doing? I’ve mentioned it to a few artsy friends of mine. Maybe a couple of them have moved in?” she finishes with a hopeful smile.

You frown. Just the mention of that district makes a pitch well up in your stomach. It’s a feeling that you know all too well. Something stupid and not your problem is going to crop up.

“I don’t know…” you reply with a frown beginning to form. “Like I told you before, this reminds me way too much of a bunch of other things we’ve had to do that end up going south.” You look out the window that Umbra was towards the little alleyway in the middle of the bustling city. It has notably more activity than the other day. “Maybe it would be best if we wait for another day.”

Now, it’s the major’s turn to frown. “Don’t be so paranoid. It’s just a little alleyway that Princess Luna hopes will promote the arts down in town. I mean, what could go wrong?”

Your palm meets your face with a painful smack. “Well, now that you said that, pretty much everything.”

Umbra just rolls her eyes before training them on you and crouching. Before you can even blink, the batpony springs behind you and begins pushing you toward the door with her head in the small of your back and her bat wings pumping.

”Oh no you don’t. I KNOW that you’ll find something worthwhile down there, so you’re coming with me,” Umbra states with determination.

You dig your heels into the floor, just barely slowing your advance enough to look behind yourself at the night guard. And you don’t like what you see.

Gold eyes narrow, shoulders set, and her mouth stretched into a thin line. The telltale signs that a female isn’t going to budge an inch.

God dammit.

“Alright, alright! No need to break my spine,” you tell her with no small amount of annoyance. “I’ll go to your damn art show. But I won’t like it.”

And just like that, the batpony is back to smiling wide enough to land her in the asylum. “Great! I knew you would see things my way,” she says as she lands next to you. “We did promise to help out the alley owner, after all.”

“More like you promised and dragged me into it…” you grumble, which Umbra totally ignores.

The trek out of your bedroom into the main gate of the castle is a short and practiced one. More than once, you and Umbra stop to talk to the occasional late-night noble or lunar guard off-duty. None of the short meetings are of any consequence. The walk into the town’s entertainment district, however, only makes the gnawing worry in your stomach deepen. It’s not anything you can see, but rather what you hear all around you.

“Did you hear? They say th—“

“—bbery. Yes. Thousands of bits worth of—”

“—Nopony knows. Just up and vanished. Bu—“

Everyone is whispering and treading warily. The bits and pieces of gossip you can catch seem to flow from every mouth in earshot.

“Umbra?” you ask the batpony at your side, who is swiveling her ears about with a frown. “Any idea what’s going on?”

She flicks her ears a final time and looks up at you, eyes narrowed. “Not any more than you do. It’s obvious that some sort of robbery has gone on, but nopony seems to know when it happened or where it happened. For all we know, it could be a harmless rumor. I’ll obviously go through any recent reports filed by the teams on duty tonight, but I’m sure that it’s nothing big.”

You cross your arms, skeptical. “I seriously doubt that Murphy’s Law isn’t going to stick its nose into this. What sort of things does the city have that could be of possible value to robbers?”

“Well, there are the obvious, cliché things like museums and banks, but…” Umbra motions her head further up the street, where the large, marble walls of the city’s biggest bank gleam in the moonlight. Just outside of the monolithic building is a squad of lunar guards, two for each side of the entrance. “With the presence of guards at high-value targets like that, it’s a nasty deterrence to any would-be crooks. It would take at least twenty thugs to overpower a decently trained team.”

As if fate wished to make a point, a commotion arises behind you just as you pass a string of restaurants on the wide street. Turning, you see an irritated, armored vampony toss a sloshed stallion out of a ritzy looking bar. The throw sends the poor drunkard almost twenty meters across the street where he crashes painfully in an alley, courtesy of the guard’s vampire strength.

“Alright,” you concede, turning back around with Umbra, “I can see why you think so, but what if the target didn’t have any guards?”

“Again, I really doubt that’s the case,” the major argues. “It only takes a week or two for the red tape of new deployment and patrol spots to go through. There was nothing of value built recently, so I can’t think of any place that could have possibly been stolen from!”

You scowl and bend closer to your guard. “And I’m saying that rumors don’t just pop up out of nowhere like this. There’s always a grain of truth to every story, even if it’s not much. As such, I think we should turn back. This has to be the convoluted bullshit that my gut was telling me about. I REALLY don’t want to get involved.”

“Ahem…”

An interloper’s softly accented voice just barely stops Umbra from launching into a tirade that would probably bust your argument.

You both turn to see a rather tall unicorn lazily looking between you and Umbra. Standing back to your full height, you take a step back and fully observe the mare who saved you an earache. The instant you do, you recognize who this is.

“Am I interrupting something?”

In front of you is one aloof Fleur de Lis, Canterlot’s top supermodel for six years running.

What the actual fuck is she doing here? In the middle of the night, no less? Why would she even want to talk to a bickering guard and the resident human? There is no possible way this could be a coincidence.

Umbra recovers much quicker than you. “Nothing much, ma’am,” she replies with a small grin. “Just me and my friend here having a bit of a disagreement.”

Fleur calmly nods, as if seeing an ape in clothes and a guard officer argue in the middle of the street is a normal occurrence. Then, she turns her attention to you.

You can’t help but freeze up as the pretty unicorn runs her lavender colored eyes up and down your frame, taking in everything without missing a single detail.The feeling of exposure is even greater than when you first met a batpony.

“I hate to cut in so rudely,” she says slowly, snapping you out of your thoughts, “but may I trouble you both for directions?”

You and Umbra share a quick glance. Her’s is suspicious, while yours is just confused, but you both think the same thing.

“Miss De Lis?” you prod.

The unicorn waves a dismissive hoof. “Please, none of that. Just Fleur will do.”

“Right, Fleur, why would you need directions? Haven’t you lived in Canterlot for years now? I figure you could walk anywhere in the city while blindfolded.”

Fleur lets out a dainty titter at the small compliment. “I think you give me too much credit, but it’s true. Canterlot is my one and only home, but I’m looking for a small, out-of-the-way spot.” The model closes her eyes in thought. “Hmm, it was a quaint place, an alleyway that was ordered refurbished by the crown. I met a young colt with a talent for portraits. He was a charming little thing, so I offered to model for him on a night off.”

Oh man. What a lucky little shit. Of all the mares who could have offered... Wait. Is Fleur referring to the artisan's district?

“This alleyway you mentioned, is it by any chance called the-”

“Ahh! The Artisan’s District! That’s it!”

Fuck. Just as you feared. You shoot Umbra yet another dirty look, to which she just rolls her eyes. She does that now, but she won’t be later when you and she are stuck in some convoluted mess yet again. Because if there’s anything that likes to stick to you like white on rice, it’s things you really shouldn’t be involved in.

“We were just on our way there as well. Care to come?”

And with that, Umbra puts the final nail in the coffin.

“That sounds delightful! It’s been some time since I’ve had any causal company,” Fleur responds with a small, yet dazzling smile. And with that, the two mares trot on ahead, leaving you to follow them through the not-so-crowded streets.

They both make small-talk along the way. Nothing that would be of interest to anyone save high-class women.

Ha! You just thought of Umbra as a high-class woman. Now that is one hilarious image.

“I must say, Major,” Fleur says, pulling you away from your musing, “I love the shine on your coat.” As if checking for some illusion, Fleur touches Umbra’s wither with a hoof, only to draw it back quickly. “Oh my! So soft too!” The model gushes. “How do you do it?”

Umbra beams at the praise. “Thank you! But I really don’t do much to maintain this. It’s more of a healthy diet and basic cleaning than anything.”

Healthy diet? What is she going on about? She’s done nothing but live off your blood for the last couple months...Wait...

Your eyes bug out of your head and you nearly trip once what the batpony said finally sinks in. She did not just say that out loud, did she?

Fleur’s smile melts into a look of slight confusion. “Ah, excuse me if this is rude to ask, but your diet? I was under the impression that the Lunar Guard used supplement potions in place of…”

The thin unicorn trails off and looks back to you with searching eyes. Or rather, she looks at the bright red mark on your neck with comprehension dawning on her face. Umbra, welcome to bitch-tier.

You barely stifle a curse as your hand reflexively shoots up to cover the ugly red spot, only incriminating you more.

Umbra doesn’t seem to realize what she said if the smile on her face is anything to go by… Or she didn’t care. That really seems to be more likely at this point.

“Ah…” Fleur responds, masking her surprise far quicker than you thought she could. “I didn’t realize that you and Mister Mous were…”

“Major! Anonymous!”

Saved!

The voice calls yours and Umbra’s name again as it dodges around alarmed ponies in the market street. Hardly a moment later, an out-of-breath Fine Etch skids to a stop in front of you, Umbra, and Fleur.

“Etch?”

The bat stallion gulps a few mouthfuls of air before he can reply. “Y-yes… ha… I saw you and the major and I thought you could help me because it’s awfultheycameandransackedthealleyandohmyLunait’saw—”

A charcoal hoof clamps down over Etch’s mouth, stopping the torrent of word vomit in its tracks.

You look down towards the hoof’s owner, catching a glimpse of her in a rare moment of seriousness.

“Mister Etch,” begins Umbra calmly, “you need to slow down. You’re going to pass out if you don’t breathe. I’m going to let go of you in a moment, then you’re going to stop and explain from the beginning, alright?”

Fine Etch blinks and nods quickly, shaking the hoof on his mouth.

“Good, now follow me.”

Umbra lets the stallion go and turns around sharply, walking to a secluded little corner in an outdoor cafe without even looking back.

You, Etch, and Fleur follow without comment.

Only a few times have you seen Umbra so… professional. Of course, she would act like this on duty, but that always seems practiced and robotic. She was just going through the motions without thinking, then. Times like now, however…

By the time you’re all seated, it’s as if the ponies on the street just knew they didn’t want to be involved and cleared out, leaving the area eerily silent.

You look around the small table in your size too small chair, taking in the sight of the others there.

Umbra’s eyes drill into Etch, who fidgets uncomfortably in the metal chair, making its legs squeak shrilly on the stone ground.

Fleur still seems calm despite everything, and is looking at the pair of vamponies just as you are. Her gaze may be set firmly on Etch and Umbra, but her ears turn about restlessly and her nose twitches in the night air.

During the lull, the Major dips her head under her left wing and reaches her mouth into her armor. A second later, she re-emerges with a pad of paper and a small pencil.

“Alright,” Umbra begins crisply, setting the paper down and holding the pencil with her teeth. “Let’s start. Tell me everything from the start. Include names, descriptions, places, times, and any other details you can.”

Etch roughly gulps and looks towards you for support.

You just nod your head towards Umbra. Poor guy. The Lunar guards can be pretty scary.

“W-well,” the stallion starts, “I wasn’t there when it happened, but a jeweler mare named Glimmer who set up in the district came to me and claimed to have been robbed while out to lunch. When I arrived at her shop, sure enough, everything was stolen. All the display cases were smashed and not a single thing was left. This was about… two hours ago?”

Hold on…

“Jewels?” you question, drawing the table’s attention to you. “Someone correct me if I’m wrong, but can’t a handful of gemstones be bought with pocket change in Equestria?”

Fleur takes the incentive. “Yes. Although beautiful, a fair number of gems can be mined from just about anywhere with little effort.”

“Why rob a trinket store over finding them yourself, then?” Umbra questions with a frown. “That’s what I want to know.”

“Er, I may have forgot to mention…”

Everyone turns to Etch, who smiles sheepishly. “Glimmer isn’t a normal jeweller, she’s an enchanter...”

Fleur’s eyes widen and Umbra sharply inhales through her nose. You? You just make a dumb comment.

“I’ve got a baaaad feeling about this, Scoob.”

Author's Note

Literally took forever.