Farmyard Life

by Mooncalf

Rating: everyone
Tags: Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Random, Slice of Life
Length: 1007

What are the animals of Sweet Apple Acres really up to?

Sweet Apple Acres houses plenty of non-pony residents, but it's not like ponies eat bacon or lamb chops. What are they doing there? And how do they see their own situation? Are they, in fact, a free love hippie community, or is the truth more sinister than anypony knows?

Written in response to a rather off-beat discussion starting on a Lunaverse thread, but generic enough to count as maneverse as well.

Not to be taken seriously. Or internally. All copyrights reserved. Celes Vult.

Published 2013-06-09 22:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-06-09 22:00:03 UTC

A day on the farm

It was a sunny day at Sweet Apple Acres, and life was good. Life was always good when you were a pig.

The pig was only known as the pig, as were his various fellow pigs around him. Names were a pony thing, you know? Names and titles and colors and fancy butt-marks. Pigs didn't need that. Pigs didn't need much. He was the pig, and that was enough for him. It was enough for his sowfriend, that being whichever pig of a female persuasion happened to be nearby and looking hot and not too closely related to himself whenever he felt in the mood for love. Free love, dude! Buck the ponies and their establishment.

The pig wallowed in the mud, a favorite pastime of his because it was so easy. You just lie back and it happens, you know? And it's good for you. Keeps the flies away and cools you off, which was good because he was sweating like a pig. As in, not at all. Some pony with a horn - ha ha, a horny pony - said it was because pigs don't have glands or something. Whatever, another pony thing. Who needs glands when you got mud, hey?

"Excuse me, pardner."

Oh, hey, a pony had walked up to the pen. Awesome. Orange, with some fancy hat on her head. That's cool. Maybe she lived here too? He never could keep track of the ponies, they always ran around and did their pony stuff and had all those colors that made it impossible to remember. Not that he bothered. Some days when the ponies got more frantic than usual he could just lie back and let the colors dazzle him into a stupor. Good stuff.

"Hey, are you listening?"

Oh, right! The pony. Apparently she wanted to talk. That's cool too. "Yeah?"

"Ya know, it's season for truffles."

"Truffles are awesome, dude." They were. Well, pretty good, anyway. Actually, he kinda preferred the food he got from the ponies, less work and all. The ponies loved truffles, though. Now and then he'd sniff some out, dig 'em up, and share it with the ponies, and they'd get happy and run off and do... dunno, pony things to it. He hoped they ate it, but you never knew with ponies. They're crazy, you know? The point, which the pig had very nearly lost along his train of thought, is that you gotta share. You gotta care. Hey, there was probably a good song in there. All of them - the pigs, the sheep, the cows and the ponies - lived here together and shared everything. It's not like the apples or the truffles or the mud belonged to anyone exclusively. You can't own property, dude.

The pony did some weird expression and rubbed the back of her head with her hoof. "Yeah, ah know. So could ya get some? They're worth good money, ya see."

"Money? Dude, you got money on your brain, it ain't healthy." Another pony thing, he'd learned. One that made them very unhappy, it seemed. Money was always trouble, whether it was some pony with too little or some pony with too much. They always worried about money, whatever it was. He had no money, and he was happy with it. See how easy it was? "Ever thought about giving it up? Enjoy the good things in life, dude. Like mud, dude."

"I'd lose the farm if I did that, ya durn good-fer-nuthin' pig!" Somehow, his encouraging words seemed to have backfired and caused the pony to un-mellow something majorly. How do you lose a farm, anyway? It's not like you can just forget where you left it. "How about you and yer buddies there try to work fer once in yer worthless lives?!"

"Dude! Dude, chill." The pig shook his head and pushed the harsh words out of his mind. Yeah, they were majorly nasty, but he'd have to forgive her. Dwelling on issues like that was bad for your soul, you know? Besides, she was a pony, so you had to expect her to fly off the handle every now and then. The other pigs didn't look like they cared, either. "Dude. It's like, dude, we're all here together, you know? And we all look out for each other together, you know? So, like, the sun's gonna rise tomorrow too. It'll all work out. Just, y'know, chill, okay?"

Granted, the pig wasn't an expert on how ponies 'chilled', but something told him that the twitching eye and the way she screamed inarticulately as she stomped off wasn't it. Ponies, huh. So unreasonable. But you gotta live with them, because that's just how the world worked. Pigs, sheep, cows and ponies. Can't have one without the others.

Hey! A thought just struck him. Truffles were in season! And ponies like truffles. Maybe if he and the other pigs got some, it'd make the ponies happy. Yeah, that was a brilliant plan. He'd definitely do that later. After all, you gotta share.

In another part of the Acres, three other residents were conspiring in hushed voices.

"...and our Canterlot operators report that their infiltration of the grain market is almost complete. In a few days, we'll control seventy percent of Equestria's food production."

"Excellent. Are the devices in place?"

"In place, primed and ready. The Crystal Empire won't--"

"Perimeter breach! The Mare is incoming!"

Instantly, the flock broke off conversation and started chewing grass industriously. When their behatted pony master walked up to the bars of their compound, she was met with innocent, smiling faces only.

"You sheep doin' alright, there?"

"Ye-ee-es, Applejack. Ee-verything is fine. Do not wo-orry. Drink the we-ell water without fe-ear."

"Ah will, thanks. Don't ferget, shearin's next week." Applejack trotted off, briefly wondering what brought their wooly residents to bring that particular topic up before dismissing it completely.

"Indeed, pony master. But who will be sheared, and who will be shearing?" The flock laughed sinisterly. "Baa-ha-ha! Baa-ha-ha!"