Prologue - Flatulence isn't Magical
PHHBBLLPPPLLLLLTBBBPPPTTTTT!!!!
The noise that erupted from under her royal highness's royal hiney was splendiforous; the perfect balance of whistle and trumpet to make the royal heralds turn in their instruments and go on pilgrimages to reevaluate their life's achievements, yet with an undercurrent of sickly wet squelch that bookies spontaneously began taking odds on what Rorschach tests the stains on the throne's cushions would form, all lasting for such a duration that every listener had ample time to cycle through the full spectrum of emotions; from embarrassed, to sympathetic, to awestruck, to medically concerned and back to embarrassed again, before it finally petered out in an exhausted splutter.
From my vantage point behind a balcony overlooking the Crystal Empire's throne room, I hung my head in shame. The Crystal Empire's finest guards remained stoically at attention. The various secretaries and other miscellaneous servants didn't even pause in their duties. Celestia didn't even have the decency to lift her tail in shock, but patiently and serenely waited out the entire duration before using her magic to lift the gigantic whoopee cushion from under her seat and wiggle it in front of the Crystal Empire's own Pink Princess. Despite being at the very epicenter of the blast, she only responded with a fetching blush, some stammering apologies, and denial of involvement, all of which Celestia brushed aside with a pleasant laugh.
Luna yawned from behind me; "Really, friend Discord, what didst thou expect? The first time was most amusing and vexing towards our sister, but what does this bring thy current tally to?"
Celestia set the whoopee cushion aside and resumed her discussion, making plans for the upcoming ceremony. My body tugged the rope that tied a noose around my disembodied head, lifting it and my head out of the bucket of shame I had been dunking it in. I waited until the rope slowly spun me around to point towards the navy blue princess of the night before answering.
"Seventeen," I grumbled, still dripping excess shame back into the bucket. "Why are you still awake anyway? I thought you were napping."
"Twas not by choice. We wouldst rather have returned to our slumber to make ready for Twilight's arrival, but we were awoken by the whooping of thy cushion. Our morbid curiosity was piqued after it continued past the ten minute mark." Luna finished rubbing the sleep from her eyes and peered over the edge of the balcony to view the spent cushion for herself. "We must say, having it segue, halfway through, into full orchestra rendition of the old Crystal Empire's 'Hail to the Queen' was a stroke of artistic genius - topical even."
I took my head in my hands and stuck it back on the stump of my neck, giving a spin to screw it back into place.
"Oh, you're just trying to cheer me up now," I grumped. "No matter how I dress it up, it's still the same tired gag."
"Perhaps thou shouldst try something new?"
"I know that!" I threw my hands up in the air and turned around to face her, catching my hands on the opposite arms as they fell back down, "but I've barely ever done HARMLESS gags before. Not knowing if your toy would survive the play was half the fun of toying with it. The risk of what could be lost only made the victory more palpable. Come on, you remember the good old days, or good old nights, Lady Knight of the Piercing Moonlight Blade?" I nudged her in the barrel with my elbow.
She turned away from me, her eyes downcast, bringing her hoof across to rub absently near where I had nudged her.
"We wouldst rather not. That type of revelry hath caused much pain, and instilled much fear in our subjects."
I frowned. Luna used to be the COOL one; bashing monster butt, passing down challenges to her subjects that separated the wheat from the chaff. Luna was a Cavalier, a Crusader, the Sword to Celestia's Shield, but now she was sheathed. Luna noticed my look of disappointment.
"Tis not all bad!" she hastily reassured me, "why, on Nightmare Night, ponies have events from which they derive 'fun' and with barely any danger at all!"
She rubbed under her muzzle thoughtfully; "Actually, we were probably the only real danger there."
Oh right, because that makes everything better. In a thousand years of peaceful (read as: stagnant) rule under Celestia, the biggest technological or societal advancement was changing 'thee's and 'thou's to 'you's and coming up with the word 'fun.' The way these ponies used it, 'fun' should be a four letter word. It perfectly summed up just how DULL entertainment had become since I first got trapped in stone. As per Celestia's example, everything more than a mild diversion had to have a 'lesson' or some 'redeeming merit.' Luna had fallen low indeed if those petty games were enough to occupy her time.
I rolled my eyes. This time they came up boxcars instead of snake eyes. The boxcars were hitched to the rest of my train of thought and suddenly I could see where it all was going; It was a DISEASE! And I was beginning to show symptoms! Sure, Luna was dull compared to her wild heydays, but within a year of her return, ponies had already developed steam locomotion and automated cider contraptions. What had I accomplished since my reformation? Orchestrated Flatulence Orchestras! I, the Crown King of Chaos, the Ultimate Unseelie of the Unexpected, the Altogether Awesome Alligator of Alliteration, (the last one was more of a hobby really) was stuck in a rut.
I grabbed Luna by her regalia and shook her in my panic; "For the Love of Luna, I'm getting PREDICTABLE!"
Luna did a commendable job of maintaining her royal composure as her head whiplashed like a bobblehead on an unbalanced washing machine spin-cycling a bowling ball during an earthquake.
"We appreciate thy choice of Oaths, but would 'getting' really be the proper tense after the seventeenth use of that whoopee cushion?"
Luna brought a hoof to her head to readjust her crown back into place.
"You're right; it may already be too late! I can feel my creativity atrophying as we speak. Luna, if something interesting, and I mean REALLY interesting doesn't happen in the next five seconds I'm going to go funning MAD! Madder, I mean!" I shoved my face up against hers, my eyeballs bugging out until they nearly grazed her own, "I can't be responsible for my actions if that happens."
I let her go and pulled a cream pie out from behind my back, hefting it in my paw. With a snap of my taloned fingers, I pulled up a small lighter flame to start the fuse with. I counted down mentally while I decided where to aim for the most fallout.
Five.
The one guard closest to the throne caught my eye at first. He stuck out like a sore thumb, with his Gold Armor and completely different coat color. What was he, some sort of exchange guard back from Canterlot? He was a small fry though, and obviously of no real importance. No one would care if anything happened to him.
Sixty-two.
Celestia's smug mug was just begging for a cream coating, and Pretty in Pink would be horrified just from the sheer scandal. Still, Celestia was in her diplomacy zone, making her capable of rolling with anything. She had already defused my cushion, she'd probably be able to defuse my pie as well.
One and twenty-eight fourteenths.
Hitting Princess Sunshiney directly was a doomed tactic, but targeting her host was sure to make her temper flare.
Sixteen hundred thirty-one trillion eight hundred seventy-five billion four hundred ninety-seven million two hundred fifty-three thousand one hundred thirteen.
I adjusted my angle until I had the the allegedly lovely alicorn lady of love in my crosshairs. Luna noticed my adjustment.
"Discord, no! Our sister is inclined to tolerate thy games, but Cadance hath not yet her level of fortitude!"
O-
A messenger burst through the doors of the court, announcing the arrival of Twilight's train from Ponyville. Luna used my moment of distraction to cut the fuse on my pie short so the end fizzled out impotently, a tiny wisp of smoke curling up from where it lay on the floor. I squinted my eyes, glaring at Luna.
"Twas FOUR seconds and thou knowst it," she countered. "Do not try to deny Twilight Sparkle qualifying as a point of interest."
Well, she had a point. Though Twilight's personality sometimes reminded me of talking to a bald English gentleman, interesting events seemed to naturally gravitate towards her. With her becoming an Alicorn Princess recently, I could only imagine that effect magnifying. Still...
I hefted the pie in my paw while I weighed my options, but Luna stayed my arm with her hoof, giving me a look of apprehension that made me pause more than her hoof did.
"Please, Discord, refrain from disrupting today's events. Twilight is dear to her heart, and has done much for us as well. We convinced our sister thy powers could serve the greater good, and we truly believest thou capable of such."
She would have to bring that up; how she was the one to convince Celestia to release me from my reinstated stone suspension. Though it wasn't until Fluttershy spelled it out for me that I made the connection, I had realized then that Luna had been viewing me as a friend all that time, even after all I had done, not by necessity, but by choice. That in turn called for having the consideration to make concessions for the sake of that friendship. I mentally thanked Fluttershy again for teaching me that, even if it was usually a nuisance.
"Fine," I grudgingly agreed, lowering the pie and looking down at it with a sigh. It seemed like such a shame to just let it go to waste.
"Well, I'll be in my room," I said, floating off while I put my hands back on their proper limbs, "so let me know if anything interesting happens."
"We shall be sure to do so," came Luna's muffled reply.
The pie tin sticking to the end of her nose finally dropped to the floor with a clatter, revealing her face now completely covered in cream and bits of pie crust and filling, forming a fluffy beard that hung down from her chin as it started to drip. She wiped some of the cream clear of her eyes with a hooftip and took a taste. She hummed in delight and took a larger bite to munch on.
"Mmm! Banana, and quite yummy at that. Perhaps Cadance wouldn't have been so upset after all..."
I covered my ears as I rounded the corner, bracing myself as a loud explosion threw out a harsh gust of wind and smoke from the hallway I just vacated. As the smoke cleared, I peered around the corner, keeping my hands in place over my ears for what I knew was yet to come.
Luna's face was entirely blackened, her glittery mane of shadow blown completely off to coalesce near the ceiling, leaving her non-magical mane similarly darkened and sticking straight out from the back of her head. She coughed once, a thick puff of dark smoke escaping from her mouth. She inhaled slowly, finding her center of calm from which to maintain her composure.
"DISCORD! WHEN WE CATCH THEE WE SHALL WEAR THINE HIDE AS A THNEED!"
I grinned. The volume of the explosion had been nothing compared to Princess Luna's Fully Raging Royal Canterlot Voice.
I made myself scarce.
Chapter 1 - Reflection is Magical
"Are you talkin' to me? Are You talkin' to Me?"
I stared at my image in the floor length horseshoe-motifed mirror, pointing at myself.
"Are you talkin' to ME?"
I looked around the room before looking back at my reflection.
"Then who in Equestria are you talking- you talking to me?"
"NO! You're talking to ME!" my reflection shouted, flailing in place, "because you're going loco in the coco, you nut!"
Oh, great. One of those talking mirror skits where I externalize my own inner conflicts about how my recent actions haven't been getting outcomes favorable to my own wants. I knew what road that led down. Soon I'd have two tiny versions of myself; one with a halo and a harp, and the other with... well I already have horns, a tail, and a goatee, so I'm not sure what the other one would look like. Costume choice aside, I would rather be watching anything else. I pulled a remote out of my pocket and started flipping channels. My reflection looked startled for the briefest of moments before the entire face of the mirror flicked to an entirely new scene on each button press.
Fire, lightning, and explosions filled the screen until it cut to two announcers at a pair of microphones.
"Welcome back to the fluffiest fighters to be forged. Tonight's fence match is Baa-ry Palefleece vs. the Black Wool-f only on Equestria Wrestling Entertainment."
"Meh, fake." I flipped the channel again.
The Mirror blinked to show Rainbow Dash sitting in a large chair that was in turn resting directly on top of Scootaloo. Rainbow Dash was leaning over to look down at the filly.
"Hey Scoots, I'm afraid I've been pranking," she sang.
"A troublesome hobby," Scootaloo returned.
"But fun." Rainbow Dash argued, pulling Scootaloo out from under the chair, "but Celestia is Twilight's teacher, who every day raises the sun."
Dash held Scootaloo close as she continued, "Now the wheels in my head have been turning, since the fanon made her a huge troll."
She lifted Scootaloo off of her hooves as she stood up from her chair.
"See, I've promised myself I'd prank her and Twilight..." she stood up and tossed Scootaloo away flippantly, "and now I'll be achieving that goooaaallllll!"
Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo huddled together to whisper conspiratorially for a few seconds.
"Let's go!" They both shouted before resuming the song, breaking into a quick waltz of sorts that mostly had Rainbow Dash swinging Scootaloo around in the air.
"Nooo ooonnne trots like Dashton!"
"Takes cheap shots like Dashton," Dash sang alone.
Scootaloo finished the verse, "No one's got half as hot of a plot as Dashton!"
Everyone in the room joined in as the song was wrapping up.
"SO THEIR CONFUSION SOON WILL BE DEVASTATING! SKY PEGASI! DASHTON!"
I sighed and hit the remote again. I'm too old to be watching the Discey channel. Besides, he looked like such a dork once he turned into a prince.
Apple Bloom appeared on the screen flailing her arms in the air with a look of panic on her face while the image zoomed in and out rapidly.
"Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Mare! Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Mare! Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Mare!"
The scene cut to a stallion stepping out amidst a group of several dozen copies of Apple Bloom continuing their odd flailing; "Hi, I'm Al Hoofington of Al Hoofington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Mare's Emporium and Warehouse. Thanks to a shipping error, I am now currently overstocked on Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Mares and I'm passing the savings on to yooouuuu."
The stallion waved his own legs in the air to emphasize the last word, before the scene cut to the front of Sugarcube corner with Apple Bloom flailing her legs just outside the door.
"Attract customers to your business!"
The scenes continued to shift, each one with Apple Bloom continuing to wiggle her limbs above her head.
Rainbow Dash was showing a film to the rest of the weather crew with Apple Bloom off to one side; "Make a splash at your next presentation!"
Granny Smith poured some tea for Apple Bloom; "Keep granma company!"
Apple Bloom stood in front of the Apple Family barn, surrounded by apple trees; "Protect your crops!"
Pinkie Pie reclined out in the sun while Apple Bloom stood next to her, gathering the puzzled attention of all the other ponies around them; "Confuse your neighbors."
Zecora stood behind Apple Bloom at the side of a road until a chariot pulled up; "Zebra-Equestrian? Hail a cab!"
Apple Bloom was in Zecora's hut, waving her arms over the cauldron; "Subcontract voodoo rituals!"
Apple Bloom continued to flail as other ponies danced around her; "Or just raise the roof!"
The scene finally cut back to Al as he continued his spiel; "Whatever your Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Mare needs are. So come on down to Al Hoofington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Mare's Emporium and Warehouse, Route Two in Equestriaaaa!"
I stared at the screen trying to comprehend what I had just seen.
"Must.... BUY!"
I pulled a cell phone out and rapidly dialed the number to Al's Emporium and Warehouse. After a few rings he picked up.
"Hello? Al's Emporium and Warehouse."
"Yes! Ahem!" I coughed, adjusting my voice up a few registers, "I just saw your commercial and simply HAVE to have a full dozen. Do you deliver?"
Al's voice quavered on the other end of the line as he recognized the voice I was using.
"Oh my gosh. Why... um yes! We'll definitely be able to deliver, your highness!"
"That's wonderful! I would like one sent to each of the Elements of Harmony in Ponyville, two sent up to the Crystal Empire for Cadance and Shining Armor, and the last four shipped to my castle in Canterlot, I'd like them placed around my throne. How soon can I expect them to arrive?"
"Oh, right away, we'll have them shipped and installed before you get back from the Crystal Empire!"
I grinned evilly, trying to keep the cruel chuckle to an inaudible level.
"Marvelous."
I hung up before Al had a chance to question how he was receiving this call during a point in time when paper mail service was still about the most advanced state of information technology. Just thinking about the look on his face when he noticed, and the looks on each of the different receivers was almost enough to keep me entertained the rest of the night.
Almost.
My snapping fingers were still beginning to itch. Luna had managed to convince me that something interesting would be happening once Twilight got here, but Celestia sent her to bed almost as soon as she arrived. It was like she was deliberately spiting me to get back for that whoopee cushion.
My thoughts were interrupted by a bright glow exuding from the mirror's surface. For a moment I thought it was something happening on my show, but a cloaked figure stepping through soon corrected that miss-assumption. Well, once I took off my 3d glasses and realized that the red and blue cellophane were doing nothing. I sighed and tossed them aside.
The figure gasped at the noise and whirled around. Acting fast, I grabbed the shade off of the lamp that had been lighting the room and slipped it on as a skirt, then held the bulb out in my paw with my other hand up in the air. combined with the goofy grin I adopted, it made for the perfect disguise.
The small orange unicorn eyed me suspiciously. I did a quick mental check to make sure none of my servos were whirring inside. She waved a hoof in front of my eyes, but I remained immobile and vacant. She pushed me until I canted at an odd angle and then let me settle back into place with a soft wobbling rattle. Oh yes, I played my role perfectly, I was one with the lamp, I had become the lamp. It took a few more moments until she seemed satisfied that I was just a decoration, then she glanced around conspiratorially before reaching out with her magic to pull the chain on the lamp, turning the light out.
As she turned to leave the room, I flicked the light back on. She whirled back around in panic, her horn blazing with energy prepared to use for whatever spell she might need. It took everything I had to suppress my chuckle. Eye on the prize, Discord, this was shaping up for some real fun.
When she regained control of her breathing, she quietly stalked back to the lamp I was holding, this time reaching up with her hoof to tug the chain. She glared at me for several seconds longer before giving a quick nod of finality, satisfied that it would stay out this time. Timing was critical here. I waited until just as she was fully turned away from the bulb, yet had only just taken her first step before flicking it back on again.
The squeal of frustration that escaped her throat was music to my ears, but she cut it off by hastily shoving a hoof into her own mouth. I was fairly certain she gnawed a bit while she had it there. She whirled back around and clicked the lamp back off, only for it to flicker back on right in front of her. She ground her teeth and switched it off repeatedly only for me to continually keep it turning back on immediately after each attempt she made.
It wasn't long before she had to take a break. She was practically hyperventilating and her eye was twitching rapidly from her aggravation. Finally, after a cleansing breath, she smiled and used her magic to take hold of the lightbulb and unscrew it from the lamp, putting it out for good.
Well, not REALLY for good. While she was still smiling smugly, the bulb lit right back up.
And there's the money shot. Her face actually darkened a few shades, her cheeks buldged, and her teeth dug into her lower lip as tried to hold back the scream that still managed to hiss quietly out; "Fffffffffffffff-"
She turned and hurled the still-lit bulb through the mirror, and after a brief flash from the mirror the room was dark again. She panted a bit before finally snorting at the shallow victory. She pulled her hood back up to cover her red and yellow mane and gently opened the door to peer out into the hallway. I caught the faintest of glints off of something shiny tucked into the folds of her cloak. It was a purple six-pointed star, and one that I knew well. Whatever this girl was up to, it was obviously no good, not for the other ponies anyway. For me it was wonderful! I almost felt bad about toying with her.
No, not really. I can't remember the last time I had that much fun. I regret nothing!
For the briefest of moments, I considered stopping her. I was supposed to be one of the "good" guys now. It wouldn't have been the slightest bit difficult. If it wasn't for how boring it would be to know everything at all times, I'd be the closest thing this world had to an active omnipotent entity. Still, there were so many questions I was left wondering about, it was tempting to just take a quick peek. Was she really a unicorn, or some kind of mirror creature? What were her plans on Twilight Sparkle's crown? Did she actually have half a chance of pulling it off? My curiosity was definitely getting the better of me.
I smirked. Besides, Luna had asked me not to interfere. I could have locked the doors behind her so she couldn't get back in. I could have created the most wonderful of dins to draw every guard in the castle down on her. I could have put squeaky bunny slippers on her hooves. I could have left a garden hoe in front of her to step on so the handle would smack her in the face. Nope, I'm just sticking to my promise.
So instead I went back to watching my shows.
"Arliss, turn 'im loose," Applejack called out from on the Mirror. Apple Bloom had a small bear cub by its leg and was trying to drag it up the hill. Suddenly a loud growl cut through the air, and a larger momma bear could be seen heading for Apple Bloom.
I drifted past the mirror, munching on some popcorn, each kernel exploding in my mouth as I bit into them.
"Arliss, turn 'im loose!" Applejack repeated more frantically as she raced down the hill towards her sister. Apple Bloom had gone still with fear, but failed to release the cub she still held onto. Applejack realized she wouldn't be able to make it in time to save her sister. Just as the bear was about to reach her though, a yellow pegasus landed between them, causing the bear to skid to a halt until it was only a few inches away from her. The pegasus glared at the bear, staring it down into submission. Once she was sure it wasn't going to make any more hostile actions, she turned and broke Apple Bloom's grip on the bearcub, who rushed back to his mother. The pegasus resumed her glare on the bear, until she slowly and grudgingly turned to leave with her cub.
Applejack smiled; "Leave her alone ya ol' fool, before she kills ya."
"She's stolen my crown!" I could barely make out Twilight's call to arms. It seemed like my show would have to wait; from the sound of things, my clumsy cloaked crown confiscator had made her move and flubbed it.
"Stop!" Twilight called again. I heard the sound of a minor teleportation in response, probably not a cooperative one either. I stuck my face out through the doors to see what was going on. I was just in time to see Twilight do a top speed, flying tackle on that yellow and red-maned unicorn mare now sans-cloak... right towards me!
"Yikes!"
As the doors were slammed open, I was ripped uncomfortably in half, each half getting slammed between the doors and the walls they opened in against, effectively hiding me from sight. I had an oddly-crossed double vision of Twilight rolling on the floor with the unicorn, and Twilight's crown going careening around the room, ricocheting off of the walls and displays until it finally hit the mirror, disappearing into it with the usual flash of light and sparkles. Good grief, did they make the elements of harmony out of rubber now?
All of Twilight's friends gasped as the crown vanished into the mirror
"What did you do with my crown?" Twilight accused the royalty robbing rogue.
The accused only smirked triumphantly; "Sorry it had to be this way..."
With that, she teleported to a spot just in front of the mirror, added a mocking "...princess" to the end of her quip, then with a few choice gestures at Twilight, which I made note to remember for future use, she hopped through the mirror to follow the crown. For some reason nobody else made a move to stop her during this. Sure, I wasn't going to interfere myself, but I figured somepony else would have. Maybe it was just being split in half that was keeping me of two minds on the issue.
"Who was that?" Flutteryshy asked.
Rainbow Dash's answer came quickly enough; "What does that matter? We've got to follow her!"
Applejack had obviously long since learned her roll in this drill, and had already taken a firm hold of Dash's tail before she even finished her first sentence, which was good because the prematurely pursuing, prismatically-permed pegasus had already started flying towards the mirror before she started her second one.
"H'ld yer h'rs's," she muttered through clenched teeth, "we d'nno wh't's 'n d'ther sid a dat m'rr'r."
Rainbow Dash looked down and under herself at Applejack in confusion; "What was that?"
Poor Applejack, she might as well be talking to herself.
"Applejack's right," Twilight reinforced Applejack's muffled opinion, "we don't know enough about this situation to go headlong into it. Let's tell Princess Celestia about this first. she has to know something about what is going on."
Everyone else agreed and promptly set about rousing their royal monarchs. Rarity came back a few moments after everyone had left to shut the doors. Finally allowing me to pull myself back together and get rid of my splitting headache.
"Really," she muttered, "do we all live in barns?"
"Hey, now!" Applejack bristled.
Anything else they might have had to say was lost to my hearing. Not that there was any limit to my audible range, I just didn't care. They were seeking, and would likely find answers to their questions, and that meant less confusion in the world. Sorry, not my scene.
"Travis! A Timberwolf!" The Mirror called out again.
"YES, Go Old Yayer!" I called out, taking my place back in front of the screen, "Take down that lame old Timberwolf! Turn him into a faggot!"
Now what have you gotten your britches in a twist over? It's a bundle of sticks, what else would she turn a Timberwolf into?
"Now I told ya," Granny Smith said, "If everything's all right, we'll let Ol' Yayer out, come saturday."
"Aw Granny, why not naaow?" Apple Bloom whined.
I nodded in sympathy, poor Old Yayer. She must be going stir crazy after a whole month in that boring old corn crib. I know I would be.
"No, Granny," AJ said, tears in her eyes. Old Yayer continued to wander back and forth in the corn crib, unable to decide on doing anything for certain, now that she was showing clear signs of being infected with Maybes.
"There's no hope for her now, Travis." Granny Smith said solemnly, "She's sufferin. You know we've got to do it."
"Ah know, Granny," Applejack's voice broke, "but she was my pegasus. I'll do it."
Tears filled my eyes as Applejack took the freshly baked, still-steaming apple pie from her granny.
"No, Travis, don't do it. She might still get better..." I said out loud.
Applejack carefully balanced the pie on her hoof, feeling the polished metal of the pie tin and the warmth it still radiated. She took aim, slowly winding her arm back. For a moment, she choked, lowering her eyes with the knowledge of what she had to do, but then she steeled her resolve. Tears filled my eyes as Applejack hurled the pie. With a heart-rending 'splut' it was over.
"Old Yayer, no..." I sobbed. I wiped my eye, a single teardrop clinging to my talon of my clawed hand. I looked at it, noting absently what an odd sight it made. With a sniffle, I flicked it at the mirror. When it hit the surface of the mirror, it sent out a ripple that blanked out the entire surface.
"Hey, my show!"
Well, that was just great, I somehow broke the only decent source of entertainment I've had since my reformation. I had suspected that Draconequis tears had potent magical properties, but seeing as how I was the only one, and I never cry, I figured it was a moot point. I tapped on the glass with a finger where my tear had hit, trying to see if I could get the picture to come back. Instead of impacting the surface, my finger sank into the mirror much the same way everything else that had hit it ended up doing.
My investigation and analysis were interrupted by the doors to the room opening back up, the six elements of harmony now with three extra alicorns and a baby dragon in tow. Only the smaller seven members showed any particular surprise at my presence, but all of them froze as a loud and slow crackling noise emanated from the surface of the mirror. I turned slowly to look at the mirror, now covered in a thick web of cracks, my finger still partway into the glass at the very center of it all.
"Thaaat's not... a... good sound..." I noted.
Somehow I just knew I was going to get blamed for all this, even without omniscience.
Everyone started talking at once. Even Celestia looked downright distraught, her eyes displaying a tinge of panic that she struggled to bury under her veneer of austerity. Frankly, I would have enjoyed the general chaos and confusion if I had actually been trying to make it happen. Knowing I was merely an innocent victim of circumstance only compounded my frustration that had been building ever since my rehabilitation. While Celestia was still trying to determine the best way to calm her loyal subjects, Luna finally came out on top of the squabble, adding a light touch of the canterlot voice to make herself heard.
"DISCORD! WHAT HAST THOU DONE?"
I hastily pulled my finger out of the mirror.
"Nothing! I've been framed!"
To emphasize my point, I conjured up an old, stuffy museum portrait of Celestia and stuck my head through it where her face was; "See?
Luna trotted over to inspect the mirror, "This is no ordinary mirror! It is a gateway to another world."
"It also gets excellent HD reception," I added.
The glare she gave made even me think twice about interrupting again; "This gateway opens only once every thirty moons. It is the only way we have to follow Sunset Shimmer, and we find thou has broken it? Explain thyself!"
Everyone was glaring at me in varying states of disappointment or accusation. I stuck my hands through the portrait at roughly where Celestia's shoulders were on the picture.
"It's not my fault! I was just trying to watch some shows on it, and then-" I cut off what I was saying. I couldn't just admit I had actually cried GENUINE tears. Crocodile tears were perfectly fine, but I still had my pride, "Uh, and then the mirror went blank so I was trying to see what was wrong with it, and then... you all walked in and it just sorta cracked for some reason. What's the big deal? It's just a tiny little fracture."
I motioned at the cracks on the mirror that extended across almost the entire surface.
"Okay, maybe a bit more than tiny, but it's not broken if it still works!" I stuck my hand through to demonstrate, the familiar glow of the portal effect working accompanying the gesture. I pulled my hand back out wiggling my talons in front of them.
"Ooohhh, sparkly," Pinkie cooed, leaning in for a closer look.
Luna rubbed a hoof against her forehead, just under her horn; "I told you we should have kept it in Canterlot, sister."
Celestia shook her head; "I had always hoped Sunset Shimmer would return for my guidance, Luna. I had already failed to reach her heart. I chose to have it sent here in the hopes that Cadance would have better success. It seems even this has failed."
"I'm sorry, Celestia" Cadance responded, trying to comfort her, "Until tonight, I hadn't noticed any signs of her returning."
She turned to Twilight.
"Twilight, you must retrieve your crown. Without it," she explained, "the other Elements of Harmony have no power, and Equestria is left without one of its most important means of defense."
I held my chin, stroking my beard thoughtfully. To be fair, taking away ANY of the elements generally interfered with the functional abilities of the rest, but it was still important. The EoH were the only power I knew of that had ever been able to seal me away for any meaningful length of time.
"Equestria has other means of defense," Luna clarified, "especially with Discord now as our ally. What concerns me more are Sunset Shimmer's intentions. I see naught but nefarious designs behind her theft of thy- your element of harmony. Your crown does not belong in this realm; the inhabitants would not have the power to defend themselves against its use."
Twilight stepped forward to examine the mirror and consider potential courses of action. I held up the painting to examine the damage I had done to feign disinterest, but my mind reeled with the plethora of new ideas being presented. I knew Celestia only ever hoped to downgrade my antics to mere nuisance, but Luna was actually treating me as an ally? She was clearly delusional. I would have to test just how deep her insanity went. More importantly, the element of magic could have its purpose corrupted? Normally the other elements would respond to correct the imbalance, but the dimensional separation might just be enough to inhibit their connection.
This opened an entire new dimension of possibilities. How appropriate, given it was all due to an entirely new dimension being opened. While I explored this thread of new potential outcomes, I fixed Celestia's portrait. Well, fixed in the loosest sense of the term. I made sure to fill in the holes with an obscene caricature of her that was blowing a party horn while wearing hypno glasses, a red rubber nose, fake mustache, and had buckteeth, and arrow through her ears, and an altogether inappropriate replacement for her horn. I don't normally plagarise, but Pinkie did have flair for this sort of thing.
"You understand the importance of this task?" Celestia asked Twilight. She used her magic to place a pair of saddlebags over the newly appointed purple princess's back.
Princess Sparkle hesitated for a brief moment, warily analyzing the cracked surface of the mirror before looking back at Celestia.
"Of course," she answered solemnly, "I won't let you- no, I won't let Equestria down."
"Good, then you must go at once," Celestia bowed her head, "I wish there were more I could do to prepare you, but I know little of what dangers you may face."
Celestia, not knowing something? Though she didn't have access to my level of squandered omniscience, she still had her own means of gathering information. How intriguing. Twilight closed her eyes and set herself before advancing on the mirror, but was cut short by a rapid blue blur landing in front of her.
"Whoa whoa whoa!" Rainbow Dash objected, "If she's going, we're going with her! Right girls?"
The rest of the harmony harem extended the barricade Rainbow Dash presented in agreement. Pinkie Pie vibrated in eager anticipation.
"I'm so nervouscited!"
"You do realize that's not a real word, right?" Applejack attempted to correct Pinkie to no avail.
Celestia placed a hoof on Twilight's shoulder; "I'm afraid I can't let you go."
"What, why not?" I asked in sync with Rainbow Dash, my photoshop project now forgotten on the floor. Fortunately no one seemed to notice my slip of the tongue.
"Sending all of you could upset the balance of this alternate world. Creating havoc-" My ears caught on that word and held my full attention, "-that would make it impossible for Twilight to get the crown back from Sunset Shimmer. This is something Princess Twilight must do alone."
"Time is of the essence," Luna added, "On the third day, when the moon reaches its peak in the night sky, the gateway will close. And once it does it will be another thirty moons before you will be able to use it to return."
I wasn't certain if that meant thirty moonrises, or thirty full lunar cycles, so that could be anywhere from a month to two and a half years. It really didn't seem like THAT big of a deal. Then again, when you've lived several millennia already, a few years is just a drop in the bucket... Unless it's boring; then each second feels like an eternity.
While everyone else cheered the alicorn of the hour towards her inter-dimensional quest, I had made my decision.
"HOLD EVERYTHING!" I stretched my arms out and gathered everyone together into a close huddle/group hug, "Even Celestia doesn't know about this place? Potential havoc to ensue? You might even say an Adventure?"
"Discord! You didn't put her up to this, did you?" Twilight accused, struggling out of the far side of my hug. I booped her on the nose to hush her, still holding everyone else in my stretched out arms.
"Don't be silly, I don't need to send thieves to take what I want." I let everyone go so I could delicately take hold of her wings and pluck them off of her back with a harmless popping sound to demonstrate my point, "remember?"
Everyone gasped in horror. Celestia looked particularly outraged.
"Put those back! I haven't even gotten used to HAVING them!" Twilight shouted, trying to get a hold of them with her magic. I stuck them on the front of her rear legs, the feathers pointing up towards her belly to tickle her as she accidentally flapped them.
"Eee!" She fell to the floor, trying to stifle giggles, barely managing to gasp out, "backonmybackwheretheybelong!"
I grinned, then noticed the glare both Luna and Fluttershy were leveling at me. After glancing between the three of them, I sighed and snapped my fingers to put Twilight's wings where she wanted. I mean really, I was doing her a favor; she looked better without them.
Luna put a hoof up to my chest. "Discord, tell us truly. Didst thou have naught to do with these events?"
"No! I mean- yes, I didn't do anything! In fact I want to fix things!"
"Like you 'fixed' Celestia's portrait just now?" Twilight noted as she got back to her hooves. I honestly hadn't thought anyone was paying attention to that, "When you fix things, you find ways to make it worse than when it was broken!"
I lost myself for a moment, grinning at recollection of all the past times I had done just that, before finally shaking out of my reverie; "But I WANT to go!"
"Which is all the more reason to not let you!" Twilight resettled her pack on her back and trotted over to the mirror, "So no!"
She swung her head around to enter the Mirror.
Everyone quickly gathered around the stunned princess, expressing concern as she slowly came back to her senses and pulled herself up off of the floor.
"Oooh, that's going to leave a nasty bruise," Pinkie commented, "Guess it's a good thing you're already purple!"
"You'll still need some proper makeup to help cover it, but at least it wont be difficult," Rarity agreed.
"Forget about bruises," Twilight said, rubbing her chin painfully, "What I want to know is what happened?"
Applejack tapped on the mirror, a humming tone responding to each rap of her hoof on the solid surface; "Does anyone here know how to fix magical mirrors?"
"Oooh! I know!" Pinkie bounced around to the back of the mirror, "try uplugging it and plugging it back in!"
I raised an eyebrow and floated over to test if it would be solid for me as well. My hand met no resistance as I pressed it against the glass, surrounded instead by the telltale shimmering of active magic.
"Look's like it's up to me after all, Princess," I chuckled, floating aside so Twilight could see for herself what her options were.
"But... this is my responsibility," Twilight hesitated, probing at the mirror as if looking for a stretchy point to press through, "I earned that crown when I completed Starswirl's unfinished spell."
"As a princess, it's your responsibility to delegate responsibilities," I countered.
That one gave her pause for thought, so I pressed my case before the other, more experienced princesses could come to her aide, "Besides, would you be okay if it were Starswirl you were sending out to get the crown?"
Twilight was even more confused now, and both Luna and Celestia were looking highly uncomfortable.
"Then we're in agreement!" I said, clapping my hands together. I grabbed the saddlebags off of her back, "So it seems like you wont be needing this."
I rifled through her bags, mostly filled with some snacks, but it also had the fake crown in one flap. I placed this on my head and looked at my reflection to adjust its angle. My reflection tilted it in a completely different direction, but I liked how that one looked, so I decided to stick with that. Just as I was about to step through the mirror, Twilight intercepted me again.
"Not so fast, Discord."
"Oh what now?" This little dance was getting old.
"You really think I'd just let you waltz into an unprotected dimension unsupervised?"
"Don't you trust me?"
I looked back over the group of them for support from my 'friends,' only to find all of them giving me some of the most unimpressed looks of skepticism I've ever seen. Then my eyes caught on the New Rainbow Dash.
"I've got it!" I scooped the the snack-sized salamander up out of the crowd, barely giving him a chance to squawk out a word of protest, "See? I can do the job, and he'll provide the supervision."
I held Spike under my arm like a football, ignoring his struggles; "Lemme go, ya big jerk!"
"Put him down!" Twilight momentarily forgot about her magic and began flailing for Spike with her hooves, while I shifted my grip so I could dangle him out of her reach. I put a hand on her head to still her struggles.
"Come now. I've been itching for a good adventure to mix things up, and Spike will be there to report back if I'm doing anything you'd object to. It'll be our own little boy's night out."
I disappeared again with Spike, this time reappearing by the mirror. I pushed Twilight's saddlebags into his arms, which he reflexively held onto.
"Besides," I added, swinging him by his tail a few times before tossing him through the mirror, "it's not like you have the elements to stop me with anymore, so just relax and wait for me to get back. Toodles!"
With that, I pulled on a knee length swimsuit, slapped on a shower cap to somehow cover my horns, and jumped up in the air, doing a simple, but elegant sideways oriented swan dive to fall directly into the mirror.
Twilight called out just before I hit the surface of the mirror; "Wait! If you can send Spike through, why not m-"
But I was already through the mirror, and enjoying one of the most fantastic stretches/funhouse slides I've ever experienced.
