"Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope,” Spike said as he picked through the cigars in the liquor store. Twilight Sparkle and Applejack were also perusing the wide range of cigars.
Looking over a White Owl, Applejack spoke up. "Yo, peace for gettin' da papers, son. Da old earth gon' love dis."
"But your granddad don't even smoke," Twilight replied, smelling a Black & Mild.
"Ain't nothin' but bells, man. Even da old earth gotta blow, mah nigga."
"What is she saying?" Spike asked, looking through the aisle.
"Even old people gotta smoke."
"Oh, that makes sense,” Spike said sarcastically.
The small dragon dug through the seemingly endless collection of tobacco, scanning prices and determining how much marijuana he could fit inside the papers. His eyes grew wide as he saw—tucked away near the back of the rack—three fat, long, bangin'-ass-lookin' cigars. Pulling them out, Applejack nodded and smiled.
"Mmm. Dem shits is thick, yo."
"Your grandparents can't smoke this shit, nigga." Twilight motioned to the cigars. "They'd die."
"And? Joes be buyin' it all day, son. Ain't nothin' but some stats, nahmean?"
"Translate, Twilight,” Spike said.
"People die all the time. It's nothin' but a thang."
"You got dat shit straight. He talked to me 'bout the bones, so he ain't hear no talk back. Gotta stay right to the old earth, nahmean?"
"I hear ya. Let's just pay for this shit and go."
Walking to the register, the owner of the liquor store, an elderly mare by the name of Skipper smiled at them. Normally, Applejack would have just snuck the cigars out of the store, but Skipper was an old friend of theirs.
"Ey, App'jack, goo'a see ya'gain,” Skipper said jubilantly.
"What's the haps, ol' mare?" Applejack asked, handing Skip the cigars.
The clerk looked at them and huffed. "Na' App'jack, ah knuh' fuh a fac' yo' ain' no smoke'. Yo' 'on't bah' no tobacca."
"Dey fer a homie."
"Na' Ah knuh' at's a lah. 'Ey c'n co' in heah 'emsel's." Skipper leaned in close. "Y' ain' smoke' mariju'a, a' ya?"
Applejack looked away and rolled her eyes.
"Ah knew it. Ni'as dese day'. Alway' smoke' 'at marijua', ain' worr'in bout' nuh consequence er nuh'in."
Skipper sighed and scanned the cigars. "'At'll be twel' thir'y fi'."
Applejack reached into her jacket pocket and put forth the money.
As the three walked out of the building, Skipper's voice could be heard. "Na' stay ou'a trou'l."
They walked down the street towards Twilight's apartment. Her eyes scanned every pony that walked by, every car that passed, watching for any danger. Ponyville was a dangerous city. It wasn't like the small little town of Manehattan. Ponyville was huge—the biggest city in Equestria by far. It was also the most dangerous. And then there was Twilight Sparkle, the most notorious gang-banger in the most notorious city in the country. Nobody fucked with Twilight and expected to live much longer. The cops tried to pin her a few times, but they couldn't find anything on her.
Twilight was tough, ruthless, feared... and she absolutely hated it.
She just wanted a normal life. A house. A family. A backyard. But getting out of the hood isn’t something you just do overnight. The stallion wants to keep the unicorn down. Fortunately, Twilight was a strong, independent unicorn who didn’t need no stallion.
Spike was her constant companion, ever since she found him abandoned under a bridge as a child.
He also had some kind of magical hoodie in which letters from the mob boss, Celestia, would appear in his pockets. Spike may have been just another hoodlum to most, but he had some pretty boss connections.
As the trio were pacing down the street, a bright green flash emanated from Spike’s hoodie pocket.
“Hey, Celestia is sending something,” the lil’ nigga said, reaching into his pocket. In his sharp-as-daggers claws were a large scroll and two shiny, golden tickets. Reading out loud, he transcribed the letter.
“Dear Twilight, what’s bangin’? It’s Celestia, just wanting to show you my appreciation for uh, taking care of that troublesome shop owner the other day. For your service, I wanted to give you these. I know how you like that booty-shaking-gorilla-music.”
Spike looked at the shiny tickets and gasped. “It’s two tickets to the Notorious P.I.E. concert!” he exclaimed, waving the two tickets in front of Applejack and Twilight.
“Notorious P.I.E.?” Applejack asked excitedly. “Dat nigga fo’ real! Twi, you gotta let a brotha ride dat shit, dawg!”
Spike turned to Twilight and scratched his head. “Um… what did she say?”
“Notorious B.I.G. is sick and I should let her go with me.”
Twilight then turned to AJ. “Sure, homie. I got no problem with-”
She was interrupted by a pegasus slamming into her side, knocking Twilight to the ground.
“What’s dis I hear ‘bout Notorious P.I.E. tickets?!” Rainbow Dash pulled herself off the sidewalk and brushed dust off her hooves. She turned to Twilight and narrowed her eyes, pointing at Applejack. “An’ ‘bout you givin’ ‘em away to dis nigga?!”
Twilight got herself off the ground. “Nigga, what did I tell you about slammin’ into me outta nowhere?”
“Don’t do it?”
“Damn right. One o’ dese days, I’m gonna think you’re a stickup kid and cap yo’ stupid ass.”
Rainbow Dash blew a raspberry and shook her head. “Whateva. Anyway, why you givin’ ‘em away to the first nigga you see, dawg? Don’t you remember dat you…” She paused and nudged Twilight in the side. “Owe me? For dat… thang?”
“Mention dat again in public, and just see how fast I whoop yo’ ass. And I didn’t say I was givin’ em away to nobody. Imma sell dis shit fuh like, 50 bits.”
“Whoa, hold up. You said you’d let me ride wit’ you, nigga. What done wit’ dat?” Applejack asked.
Dash smirked. “Clearly she changed her mind, dawg. Guess yo’ price is 50 bits!” she said, snort-laughing.
Applejack gave Rainbow a look. “Naw, homes, that’s not how brotha’s treat each otha’. Twilight, you really gon’ put tags on dat shit and just leave yo nigga out to dry?”
“Why do you even wanna go that bad, man?”
“‘Cause I need some new skins on my Caddy, man. That concert’s gon’ have so many bassheads, Imma be swimmin’ in cream when I sell them that dro by the mothafuckin’ pound.”
Dash pointed to a poster of the sick-ass ghetto rap band, “The Wu-Tang Herd,” displayed on a nearby graffitied wall. “Nigga, Imma gonna be joinin’ the Wu-Tang brothas! I know dey gonna be at the concert, an’ I’m gonna show ‘em ma moves, yo!”
“The Wu-Tang Herd? You mean the G-est rap group in da world? Nigga you can’t even spit,” Applejack jabbed.
Dash laughed. “Says the nappy-headed nigga! Jus’ watch dis flow right here.” She cleared her throat and began to get in the flow. Her hooves were sweaty, knees weak, forelegs were heavy...
“Yo, I’m the best rapper, and, stuff…
My rhymes are… pretty good, I guess…Peace”
AJ tried to hold back her laughter, but failed. “HAHA, nigga you can’t rap worth shit!”
Dash pulled one of her hooves back and glared at Applejack. “Say dat again, bitch!”
“You. Can’t. Rap. Worth. Sheeeeit,” Twilight repeated, also laughing hysterically.
The Pegasus rounded on the unicorn, but thought better of it. After all, she did have them fly-ass tickets. Dash spat on the ground. “Whateva. Anyway, jus’ give me the ticket, dawg!”
AJ shook her head, still giggling like a fool. “Naw, Vanilla Ice. Can’t rap, can’t go. She’s bringin’ me.”
“Look, I can’t bring the both of you. One of you is just gon’ hafta let the other go.”
“Aw man, looks like you gonna have to take one for the hood, homie.” Applejack said to RD.
“Like hay I am!” Rainbow Dash put her forehooves out and approached Applejack. “You wanna go, dawg? Huh? We’re already outside, homie, so we ain’t got no place to go but here! C’mon!”
“Nigga, whateva. You all bitch and no pimp, you ain’t gon’ do shiznit!”
Dash put her hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “C’mooooooooooon, man! Ya know who deserves dat ticket, Twilizzle, an’ dat’s me, Rainbow Dash!” she declared, pointing her other hoof at her chest as she puffed it out. “If ya jus’ sell ‘em tickets, you don’t get to see Notorious P.I.E. neitha!”
“I was always a 2Pie fan anyways, but I guess you got a point. I kinda wanna see a P.I.E. show before I get outta da slums,” Twilight said, rubbing her chin in thought. “Let me think ‘bout this. I don’t know who Imma give da ticket to.”
“Fine.” Dash stuck her tongue out at Applejack. “We’ll see who’s da best nigga—an’ it ain’t the inbred one!”
“Well it ain’t the nigga-fuckin’ one either, ho,” Applejack said as she walked away.
The pegasus shot up into the air, her wings spread and her forehooves raised. “Bitch what did you jus’ say?!”
“Nigga, you got ears!” AJ yelled, continuing forward.
Dash flew over to a nearby balcony and pointed down at the mare. “Imma be watchin’ you, homie! Don’t you try an’ steal ma ticket! I’ve got connections, bitch!”
Twilight shook her head and headed down the street to the deli. Having stupid-ass homies makes a mare hungry.
Twilight kept her eyes on the ground as she made her way to the deli. She made this same trip over and over again, never changing, except for the occasional dead hooker in an alleyway. To put it lightly, she was tired of the same routine. She wanted something different, something peaceful and promising, something the hood could never give her.
Twilight kicked a stone she passed by and stopped in front of the deli. Making sure her gat wasn’t visible, she prepared to go inside. She was interrupted by a pink blur slamming into her. For a second before Twilight could get up, she saw the tickets land gently on Pinkie Pie’s nose.
“SPIDERS! SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!” Pinkie yelled as she shot twin Mac 10’s at the tickets, missing every shot.
Twilight got off the ground, still covering her head. “Nigga, what the hell’s wrong wit you?”
Pinkie kept the automatics pointed at the two tickets, staring them down like a cowboy in a duel. “I thought those tickets was spiders!”
“So you shoot them?” Spike asked.
“Well yeah, homie, how else do I kill a spider?” she replied with a wide grin. Pinkie Pie hopped around as she tucked her weapons back in her hoodie. “Anyway, what’s on them tickets? Gimme, gimme, gimme!” she exclaimed as she bent down to scoop them up.
She observed the tickets, sniffing and biting down on them a couple times. “Yup, those is tickets, alright!”
“Nigga, you lyin',” Twilight said sarcastically.
Pinkie Pie’s eyes widened to the size of dimebags when she read the text on the tickets. “Notorious P.I.E. tickets?! Hell yeah, ma nigga!” She jumped up and started hopping uncontrollably on her tail. “Aww, shit! This is gonna be the most fly, hoppin’ party o’ the year! Thanks so much, dawg!”
“Wait a minute, hold on. I didn’t say a thang about you havin’ those tickets,” Twilight said, snatching the tickets back. “I don’t know who Imma give it to. Why do you even want tickets?”
“Because!!” Pinkie grabbed Twilight’s muzzle and began cackling in a disturbingly high-pitched voice. “I’ll get to party with the same niggas who know 2Pie, an’ Maneshall Mathers, an’ Notorious P.I.E, o’ course! An’ there’ll be the finest green an’ tons o’ drink, an’ we gonna get high as kites, dawg!”
“True dat, homie. But AJ and RD had good reasons to go too. Well, AJ did. RD was kinda foolish ‘bout it. Thinkin’ she’s gonna be in the Wu-Tang Herd.”
“Wu-Tang Herd is gonna be there too? SHIT MAN, you gotta let me go!” Pinkie said, shaking violently with excitement as the most maniacal grin spread across her face.
“Actually, I don’t gotta do shit. I hear you, dawg, but I can’t decide right now. Just let me get a sandwich or somethin’ before then, aaight?” Twilight said, stomach audibly growling.
Pinkie Pie nodded and threw up her gang sign. “Aaight, dawg. I’ll be seein’ ya later. Ya better not forget ‘bout Piiiiiiiinkie!” With that, Pinkie hopped, skipped, and jumped away, seemingly into nowhere, while laughing hysterically.
Twilight was glad to be alone, apart from Spike, for just a few moments. That temporary peace didn’t last long though, as Rarity was next to come out of the concrete woodwork.
“Yo, Twilight,” she said, walking over and glancing about the streets nervously. She wore a very fly hoodie, which was purple and green and decorated with several fine-cut diamonds. “What ya got there, dawg?” she asked, nodding to the tickets. “Got somethin’ fo’ me? I got somethin’ fo’ you…”
“Fool, I ain’t got nothin’,” Twilight replied, hiding the tickets behind her.
Rarity sparked her horn and directed her magic to Twilight’s hiding hooves. As she levitated the tickets, she said, “Nigga, don’t be lyin’! What are them tickets fo’? Huh?”
“I dunno. Why don't you read it, you illiterate mothafucka?”
Rarity paused for a moment, straining to read the writing. Then, she suddenly gasped, her eyes growing wide. “Notorious P.I.E?! You shittin’ me, dawg?! Two tickets? Awww, yeah!” She walked over to Twilight and threw a forehoof around her. “This can be my chance to meet the bitch o’ ma dreams, dawg! There’s gonna be some fly-ass bitches there who love the same rappers I do!”
“Nigga, you grow weed in yo’ basement fo’ money. You findin’ love is like me findin’ a favorable way of life. It probably ain’t gon’ happen, nigga. Let it go.” Twilight said, staring at the ground.
“That’s no reason to give up!” Rarity said, stomping a hoof. “C’mon, Twilight! Ya gotta at least give me a chance, homie! I’m sick o’ comin’ home to a cold basement every night, ya dig?” She smiled at Twilight and begged, “Pleeeeease? I’ll give ya a cut o’ ma finest green…”
“Why would I need yo’ weed? I got my overseas shit. Them griffins grow it like hair over there. Best weed in the world. So get ghost, nigga, I gotta eat.”
“Yo,” said a deep, bold voice. The two mares and Spike turned around to see Fluttershy approaching them, her head hung low. “‘Ey, Twilight, what’s happenin’, dawg? Yo, Spike, Rarity. Whatcha got there, Twilight?”
Twilight sighed. “Two tickets to the Notorious B.I.G. concert. My ball and fuckin’ chain.”
“Ball an’ chain, huh?” Fluttershy looked up with a bold smile on her face. “Well, dawg, if you ain’t got anypony to give them tickets to, I sure would love to go! Some fine-ass bitches are goin’, an’ there’s gonna be some sweet weed there, too.”
“What?! You too?!” Rarity turned and scowled at Fluttershy. “Goin’ just fo’ bitches, huh?” She proudly put a hoof to her chest. “I’m going, but to find the bitch o’ ma dreams, not just some random ho!”
Fluttershy’s wings shot out as she cleared her throat. “Homie, don’t be playin’ that game with me! You’ve been whinin’ an’ cryin’ ‘bout findin’ a bitch for years now! You ain’t gonna make the move on’ ol’ Blueballs!”
“His name is NOT Blueballs, nigga!” Rarity shot back. “It’s Blue Blood, an’ he’s the best bitch in all o’ Equestria! An’ he’s gon be mine!”
“Fuck wit’ dat bitch, and syphilis is gonna be yours, too.”
Rarity harrumphed and threw her nose up at this. “Don’t you be believin’ them papers, Twilight! He’s the baddest bitch in all o’ Equestria, an’ if you don’t give me that ticket, Imma lose ma chance!”
“She’s full o’ shit, homie,” Fluttershy countered, glaring at Rarity. “She’s jus’ gonna say that an’ puss out like last time Blue Blood got within a hundred miles o’ here!”
Twilight stepped in between them. “Quitchya bitchin’, both o’ you. I’m seriously about to give these fuckin’ tickets to the first bum I see and tell him it’s toilet paper. Now shut yo’ shit up, and let me eat!”
With that, Twilight walked onto the deli patio and left her bickering friends behind.
As the homies dispersed, Twilight sat at a table and began picking sugar packets out of the holder.
Spike saw her and asked what she was doing.
“Spike, I don’t know what da fuck Imma do about this. Do I bring Applejack or Rarity? Rainbow or Fluttershy, or maybe Pinkie Pie?” Twilight flipped a packet on the table after mentioning each friend. “I just can’t make a decision.”
As if on instinct, Twilight ripped the tops off the packets and dumped the sugar into her mouth.
“I can’t make a decision either,” said Spike, looking over the menu. “They have Guinness beer and Budweiser, and I don’t know which one I want. I could save some money with the Bud, but still, that’s like saving money by drinking piss-water. You know what I mean?”
Twilight simply glared at her companion when a voice from beside her asked, “Have you made a decision?”
Twilight pulled out a pistol and pointed it at the stallion standing beside the table. “Nigga, if you ask me about that ticket ONE more time!”
A claw tapped on her shoulder. “Twilight, he wants to know what you’re ordering,” Spike said, pointing at the frightened waiter.
“Oh… I’ll have a Manehattan Sub.” Twilight slid five bits to the waiter. “Sorry ‘bout dat.”
The waiter said nothing but wrote down her order and carefully moved away from the table.
“Thanks. And don’t call the cops!”
“Smooth, Twilight,” Spike commented.
“Shut ya mouth.”
While the two waited for their orders to arrive, neither noticed the stormclouds above begin to unleash a torrent of rain upon the ghetto. When the waiter finally poked his head out from the deli, he carried over the two plates and pints of beer and set them down. “Here you are, your lunch.”
“Word up. Peace,” Twilight said, laying down the money on the table. The waiter took it and went back inside.
Before either Spike or Twilight could take a bite, the waiter opened the deli door and called out to her, “Madame, are you going to eat your food in ze rain?”
It was only then that Twilight noticed the rain falling around her. Too proud to make the waiter think a little rain could make her leave, she simply replied, “Yep.”
“Suit yourself,” he replied, going back inside.
Twilight thought it was strange that everything around them was getting wet, except them. She finally looked up to see a bright hole in the rainclouds, where Rainbow Dash was smiling at them from above.
“Yo, what up? It’s ma two favorite homies!” Dash called down, grinning. “How’s it goin’, best homie, best dawg o’ mine?”
Twilight immediately knew what was going on. “Rainbow, if you’ tryin’ to bribe me into lettin’ you have that ticket, yo’ wastin’ yo goddamn time.”
Dash put a hoof to her chest and looked away innocently. “Me? Oh, no, no, no! Homie don’t play that way, my nigga! I’m just helpin’ out a homie who doesn’t wanna get caught in the rain. The best homie, that is,” she added with a wink.
“It ain’t gon’ work, foo',” Twilight yelled.
“But I wasn’t tryin’ anythin, homes. You know me!”
“Nigga, shutchyo cloud!”
Dash groaned. “Whateva,” she grumbled as she zipped up the cloud cover.
"Thank Faust,” Twilight said, about to take a bite of her sandwich, only to be interrupted by the onslaught of water droplets. She dropped her sandwich and groaned. “Perfect.”
Spike started howling with laughter, almost knocking his beer off the table at the sight of Twilight with her mane soaked.
A loud gasp startled both of them. Rarity walked up to the table, her eyes wide. “Nigga, it’s rainin’.”
“Sheeeit,” Twilight replied in aggravation. “I didn’t even notice.”
Rarity gasped and grabbed Twilight by the forehoof. “C’mon, dawg! Let’s get you to ma basement an’ get you all nice an’ pretty-like!”
Against her will, Twilight was forced into Rarity’s home. Shaking the water out of her mane, Twilight was glad to be out of the storm. She noticed her mane-water had soaked Rarity.
“Oh. My bad,” Twilight apologized.
Flicking the water from her mane with one quick motion, Rarity said, “Naw, dawg, it’s all good. C’mon, homie, let’s get you in some nice, warm threads. I bet youze is cold from the rain.”
Before Twilight could protest, Rarity dragged her down into her basement. Along with the rows and rows of budding marijuana plants, there were several large wardrobes, each containing a stellar lineup of superfly threads. Rarity opened one with one hoof, undressed Twilight with the other, and slapped the new clothes on her in the blink of an eye.
“No, no, not fly enough!” Rarity said, shaking her muzzle. She grabbed a different hoodie.
“Aw, shit, that’s just weak!” Rarity muttered, trying a different thug hat.
“Hmm…” Rarity looked at her newest creation. “Needs more diamonds.” She rustled through a few drawers and slapped some bling on Twilight.
“There! How does that look, homie?” she asked as she threw a large chain with a “T” at the end over Twilight’s neck.
Twilight was pleasantly surprised. “Pretty thuggin’, mah nigga. Where’d you find all this?”
“Oh, just a few o’ ma connections, is all,” Rarity said, leaning against Twilight. “An’ you know what’s even better?”
“You got bitches hidin’ in that wardrobe?”
Rarity grinned. “No, but!” Using her magic, she levitated a matching hoodie, hat, chains, and set of diamond jewelry. “I have the exact same outfit, dawg. We could wear these fly threads at the concert, an’ get a whole gaggle o’ bitches! It’ll be just you an’ me, an’ all ‘em niggas will see—Rarity, the fliest, most gangsta unicorn ever!”
“You forgettin’ somepony?” Twilight stared at her friend.
“Oh!” Rarity looked away, a nervous smile on her face. “An’, uh, Twilight Sparkle, too! Ma best homie! Heh, heh…”
Twilight pushed Rarity away. “Nigga, you ain’t slick. I see what you doin’. Yo’ tryna get dat ticket. Well, that shit don’t fly wit’ me, homie!”
“But, but—”
“No buts, no whats, no coconuts, nigga. Yo’ gonna have to wait for my decision like everypony else.” Twilight made her way to the door, putting on her plain black hoodie. “Now if you’ll quit bein’ a fool, Imma get some lunch already!”
Rarity pouted, stomping her hooves on the basement floor as Twilight started to leave. “Goddamn it!”
Twilight only made it a few feet before Applejack popped out of nowhere.
“Yo, somepony say lunch?” the earth pony said before dragging Twilight to a cart-full of apple food.
AJ started displaying all her foodstuffs. “Check this shit out yo. I got dat dro-ass apple pies, you get high as the sun off dat shit, man. I got dapple fritters. I name ‘em dat cuz one bite, and you dapper than a mothafucka. I even got apple guice to wash it down. It’s spelled with a G cuz it’s about two-thirds malt liquor, and only real G’s can handle it.”
Twilight looked over the treats in amazement, but knew what was happening.
“So whaddaya beckon, mah main nig?”
Twilight stepped away and got angry, very angry. “NO! I ain’t gonna accept yo’ punk ass bribe, you punk-ass nigga! You stupid shits’ been ridin’ mah dick like a rollercoaster this whole day! I ain’t dealin’ with it no mo’! Just leave me the hell alone!” Twilight ran off into the direction of her house.
“So is that a no?” Applejack yelled.
As soon as Twilight stepped into her home, the sight of Fluttershy cleaning off her shelves of electronic equipment startled her. “Oh, hey, ma homeboy, what's happenin',” Fluttershy said, her deep voice sounding quite kind.
Twilight couldn’t believe her eyes. “Et tu, Fluttershy?”
“What?” Fluttershy blinked and kept cleaning Twilight’s Xbox. “You talkin’ fancy now, homie?”
“It’s Latin, moron. And you’re supposed to be the smart one.” Twilight sighed. “I didn’t expect you to do this. RD definitely, Applejack sure, but you? Man, fuck these tickets.”
“Aww, c’mon, homes!” Fluttershy gestured to the shelves she had just cleaned. “I just did this for you, homie! Just because we’re friends! That’s all.”
Fluttershy's pet bunny hopped out of the pocket on her hoodie and smacked her across the face.
“Oooh, that’s right,” she muttered, rubbing her cheek. She looked at Twilight. “I am jus’ doin’ this fo’ the ticket. Heh.”
“Well then I’m ghost, nigga. Come back when you ain’t bein’ such a jackass.” Twilight walked out of her door, only to find herself in the midst of a large gathering of ponies.
“What the hell is—” Twilight was interrupted by being thrown into the air. She could hear Pinkie Pie rapping above the commotion.
“Twilight Sparkle, this mare be the niggest
Hustlin’, bustin’, and gettin all of the bitches
When you see a purple unicorn on yo’ block
Don’t fuck wit’ her or your fuckin’ with the 9 glock
On the sickness scale, she’s syphilis
Sicker than the average MC, ridiculous
Meticulous is the way she likes to kick it
And I’m rappin’ cuz I really really want that ticket
Now everypony say ‘give Pinkie the ticket!”
“GIVE PINKIE THE TICKET!”
“Give Pinkie the ticket!”
“GIVE PINKIE THE TICKET!”
“Give who the ticket?”
“GIVE PINKIE THE TICKET!”
“Give Pinkie the ticket!”
“GIVE PINKIE THE TICKET!”
As the song wrapped up, Twilight fell onto her back. It was hard to stomach the pink pony's audacity.
“Pinkie, I cannot believe this shit. At least the other ponies didn’t make it THAT obvious.”
“Make what obvious, Twilight?” Pinkie cackled and helped Twilight to her hooves. “That you’re the best homie a Pinkie Pie could ever ask for, an’ that we’re gonna have a hell o’ a time at the biggest concert in Equestria?”
“Wait, what concert?” one of the other ponies asked.
“Don’t you know? Only the Notorious B.I.G. concert featuring 2Pie and the Wu-Tang Herd!” Pinkie exclaimed excitedly.
The other ponies gasped and it wasn’t long before she was bombarded with compliments and offers for favors.
“I’ll water your flowers.” One pony offered.
“I don’t have flowers.”
“I’ll press your hoodie!” another yelled.
“It’s cotton. You can’t press dat shit.”
“I’ll shine your bling!” a stallion called out.
“I wouldn’t let you shine my shoes, nigga.”
“I’ll suck your dick!” a mare proposed.
“Wh—I don’t even have a dick!”
“I’ll let you put your horn in my ass!” the same stallion offered.
“That sounds like me doin’ you a favor.”
The crowd of ponies began to surround Twilight and Spike, each offering their own useless or perverted favors. Eventually, they completely circled around them, all wanting one of those Notorious P.I.E. tickets.
“They’re surrounding us,” Spike said, himself and Twilight back-to-back. “Do we shoot ‘em?”
“Not yet. Just follow me.”
Twilight turned her horn to one side of the crowd and fired a blast of energy, clearing some of the ponies. With Spike in tow, Twilight ran to anywhere other than there, and the army of ticket-beggars followed. It seemed like they ran and hid all over Ponyville. She didn’t know why, but for the whole chase, a symphony of banjos played wherever they went, almost making their predicament charmingly humorous.
It didn’t take long before the insane ponies chasing them cornered the duo in an alleyway. The ponies were closing in on them and Twilight wasn’t sure what to do. There were just too many to shoot.
In some desperate attempt, Twilight focused her magic into her horn and imagined being somewhere not overrun by pedestrians. She closed her eyes, and in an instant, the noise and commotion faded away.
Opening her eyes, Twilight could see they were in her crib. Spike was teetering and spotted in ash, apparently resistant to the spell.
“Ugh. Now I know what a blunt feels like,” Spike said.
“Quit bitching,” Twilight said. “Lock everything!”
They did just that. Every door and window in the apartment was locked, the lights cut, and the phones disconnected, like the po-lice were hot on their hooves.
Thinking that the coast was clear, Twilight sat on her haunches and took a few breaths. It was then that a light suddenly came on.
Twilight turned around, her eyes wide. Standing at the top of the stairs were Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Fluttershy, all with huge, toothy grins (some of which had spots of gold.)
“GOD DAMN IT! I can’t decide, aaight?! All o' y'all have good reasons to go, with the exception of Rainbow! And I wanna take all o' y'all, but I can't! Two tickets, six ponies! Dat shit just don't work, niggas! And all these favors and shit ain’t doin’ a damn thing to help me!”
“Twilight, we just came to tell you we were wrong to put pressure on ya,” Applejack said, putting a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “Now I don’t usually do all dis gay shit, but it wasn’t dapper to do dat to ya. If it’s bangin’ with you, I don’t even want the ticket.”
Fluttershy flew over and put her hoof on Twilight’s other shoulder. “Yea, dawg, I’m sorry ‘bout that, aaight? I didn’t mean to hurt ya, homie. You can give the ticket to some other nigga.”
“I don’t want it eitha’,” Pinkie threw in. “The ticket just ain’t worth bein’ a shitstain.”
Rainbow landed beside Twilight and rubbed the back of her head. "Same here, homes. I was bein' kind of a biznitch. I don't want the ticket anymo'."
Rarity nodded and brushed some mane from her eyes. “Me neither, dawg. Don’t wanna be seein’ ma best homie get all upset jus’ because I wanna see that Blue bitch. Bros before hoes, amirite?”
“Damn straight.” Twilight brushed her forearms off. “Spike, get a paper and pen. We got a letter to write.”
Spike retrieved a piece of paper and a pen, and waited for Twilight to continue.
Celestia,
I learned something today. I learned that your friends can be bitch-ass niggas sometimes, but it ain’t coolio to pick favorites. It’s not like choosing a type of weed or a bitch off the red-light district, your homies are homies 4 life. Even if they act like punks on occasion. Since we couldn’t decide who gets the extra ticket, here’s my ticket. I don’t want it. I’m not even that big of a P.I.E. fan anyways.
From,
Twilight Sparkle
PS: Rainbow says hi. What a dumbass.
When Spike finished, he rolled it up, pulled out a lighter, and lit the end of it. The ashes whisked away towards wherever Celestia was.
A few seconds later, Spike felt something drop into his magic hoodie. “What the—” He reached back into the hoodie’s pocket and yanked another scroll out. “Hey, Twilight! Celestia wrote us back, just like that!”
“Dope. What does it say?”
Spike read over the words.
“Dear Twilight, that’s the gayest thing I’ve ever heard. If you needed more tickets, you should have asked me. Here’s four more,” Spike read, four golden tickets sliding out of the scroll, much to the other ponies’ delight.
“Damn, that solved itself quick,” Twilight noted.
“There’s more. It says: And tell Rainbow Dash she still owes Luna for that definitely-not-oral sex she definitely didn’t give her.”
Rainbow Dash looked away and crossed her forehooves. “Pfft. Tell Celestia I definitely don’t owe her for that definitely-not-oral sex, an’ that I definitely won’t be hittin’ up Luna's basement tonight.”
Twilight decided that would be a good time to go upstairs and call it a night.
“Fuck you, everypony.”
“Fuck you too, Twilight,” they all called back.
Author's Note
Remember to give some love to the G-est pegasista you ever saw, Bad_Seed_72! It wouldn't have been nearly as good without her.
Applejack was standing over the table, eyes darting past all the names and addresses inscribed on a long scroll. There were countless numbers of them, making the earth pony a little nervous.
AJ’s brother, Big Mac10tosh, stood over her. His name was really Big Macintosh, but considering his skill with the Mac-10, it was only a matter of time before the nickname came about. He was eyeing the same piece of paper with a look of indifference.
“Damn, I gotta put in work today, G. Just feast em’ on this thang, man. Thirty-two names, can you even know this shit?” Applejack asked, slapping the scroll.
The city’s mob boss, Celestia, often hired ponies from the hood to do some honest work for her. Among these were “convincing” store owners to do business with Celestia, “reminding” ponies to pay their dues to her, and doing “size reductions” on rival gangs. The list she had on her table was a long one, full of ponies who needed a visit from AJ.
“Goddam, homes, why do I always gotta get stuck with Celestia’s hit list? This is gon’ take me till the Gods and the Earths come down, mah nigga.”
“Eeyup,” her brother said simply. “Need me to help you out?”
Applejack said no, mentioning that Big Mac10tosh got shot in the foreleg recently.
“Let me do the bangin’, brotha.”
“But dat’s a lot of fuckin’-up to do, especially for just one pony.”
“One pony, yeah. One hood-ass straight up G, no,” AJ proudly replied.
“Yo’ gonna getchyaself hurt.”
“Whateva, nigga. Act like I never got bruised befo’. Just let me worry ‘bout the bangin’. You stay yo’ crippled ass inside and feel bad for me.” Applejack laughed and began walking out of the tenement with her list. Before walking out of the door, AJ made something clear. “And stay outta my weed, nigga. Feel me?”
Macintosh nodded and Applejack closed the door behind her. Big Mac immediately pulled one of AJ’s blunts from the couch cushion and placed it between his lips.
“What homie don’t know ‘bout won’t hurt her,” he said with a chuckle as he lit the blunt. “Just blame it on the leg pain.”
Applejack snuck through the bushes outside of a bungalow, waiting to see any sign of a pony inside. This was the first house she was visiting, with a pony by the name of Eight Ball. Applejack snuck around into the small back yard to see the bar-pony sitting on his couch, watching TV. Celestia wanted AJ to remind him why he uses her services.
Reaching into her saddlebag, Applejack pulled out a double-barrel shotgun. Shooting the TV through the window would get the point across. Careful not to make noise, she raised the barrel up to the window and prepared to fire.
Before the trigger could be pulled, though, she heard a commotion nearby, followed by repetitive gunshots. Distracted, Applejack misfired and simply shattered the window, sending shards of glass into her face and making the earth pony fall onto her back.
The glass stung like a bitch, but she didn’t have time to stick around. Applejack made a mad dash for the source of gunfire. She only had to run a few blocks to see what was going on.
Outside her favorite ice cream shop, three ponies were gunning it up from a carriage. Her homie Two-Scoops ran the place, and she felt it was her duty to help a brotha out.
Coming up on their left, AJ reloaded her double-barrel and walked up close enough to get a shot on one of them. Once the other two had realized what was happening, a second flurry of buckshot tore the next gun-pony a few new assholes. The third one tried fleeing on hoof, but AJ wasn’t no punk-ass bitch. Pulling out her 9-millimeter, she popped a few caps in a nearby street sign, making it fall on the pony’s head. Then a carriage ran him over. It was pretty dope.
Other ponies who had seen the spectacle were now cheering for their hero, but were still kind of confused as to why she didn’t just shoot the third gun-pony.
Applejack blew away the smoke coming off her 9-mil and stashed it back in her hoodie. Giving the crowd of cheering onlookers a simple nod, she trotted away, ready to pay a local “gardener” a special sort of visit.
Lucky Strike lived in a borough of Ponyville called Bucklyn. Pretty hard streets, even by Applejack’s standards. According to her list, Lucky Strike grew more weed than a cop could shake a baton at, even more than Rarity grew. AJ tried not to let the abundance of weed cloud her judgement. She had a job to do.
Applejack walked onto Lucky Strike’s block with a sort of confidence. The ponies she passed by knew to step out of her way when she passed. Finding Lucky’s apartment block, she walked onto the second floor. AJ wasn’t sure how one went about growing weed in an apartment, but the address was legit, so AJ got ready to kick down the door.
Stepping back from the door, she ran at it with full force and smashed her way inside.
Picking herself off the ground, AJ pulled out her pistol and aimed it through the broken door. She expected to see a shocked weed-grower. Instead, she found herself staring down multiple police officers, who looked just as confused as she was.
“Is that… Lucky Strike?” one cop asked another.
“I’m not sure. I thought she’d be green.”
One cop ate a donut.
“But why would she crash through her own door?”
The same cop ate another donut. “I dunno. I don’t get paid enough to know these things!”
The captain then took his eyes off Applejack and held out a folder. “Yeah, it says right here, ya seeeee. Lucky Strike breaks down her own doors all them time.”
The same cop ate yet another donut and eyed the folder. “Yup, that’s our gal. Book her!”
Grabbing a donut from the half-empty box, the captain pointed at Applejack as he munched. “Mmmf—stop—om nom—there, criminal scum!”
Applejack busted a few caps in a nearby wall to scatter the police, then ran as fast as she could. Behind her, she could hear the cops yelling.
“Get her!”
“Arrest that pony!”
“Beat her because she’s different than us!”
“Does anypony have more donuts?”
“PAT DOWN HER GENITALS IN PUBLIC!”
Applejack, hearing these things, only ran faster.
In the midst of the chase, she could almost piece together her own song. Fuck the police comin’ straight from the underground, a young nigga got it bad cause I’m orange. AJ had to admit, it was catchy.
“She’s got a hoodie! After her!”
“If she has a bag of Skittles and a Snapple, shoot to kill!”
“NOT THE MAPLE BARS!”
“She’s listening to rap music! STOP, FIEND!”
“Shit! The one with sprinkles is rolling away!”
“I REALLY WANT TO PAT DOWN THAT PONY’S GENITALS!”
Applejack was beginning to get tired of running, but she couldn’t stop, or her genitals would not survive un-patted. Then she had an idea, a failsafe that never failed her once. She took a left onto the next block and looked for the closest Krispy Kreme. She didn’t have any time to waste. Punching out a pony leaving the store, Applejack picked up a donut off the ground.
“Sprinkles with strawberry filling. Balla’.”
Applejack shoved the donut into her hoodie and kept running. A few more blocks, and the cops were hot on her hooves.
One of the cops, fueled by the scent of the perfect Krispy Kreme, began running faster. He drooled profusely, his fat rolls bouncing up against his face as he ran.
“You want the donut? Den get the donut!” Applejack yelled, throwing the donut into a quarry. The cops immediately ran wildly after it, only to crash into a rocky death. As they fell, they could swear they could hear Applejack yelling, “Fuck the police!”
AJ waited at the top of the quarry, listening for a splat…
*Splat*
Smiling, Applejack walked away from the scene. It was a little puzzling that there was a quarry in the middle of the ghetto, but she’d killed four police officers AND she got a new catchphrase. Today was a good day...
After “taking care of” all of Celestia’s customers for the day, Applejack was more beat than a cheap hooker. There were still more ponies to deal with, but they’d be dealt with tomorrow. As she trotted down the streets of Bucklyn and headed back to Ponyville, she ran into Rainbow Dash, who was, as usual, yelling her head off about somethin’ or other.
“Yo! Applejack! Foo’, I need your help!”
Applejack rolled her eyes. “Nigga, whaddayou need my specialities with this time? Always buggin’ ‘bout some scheme or plot, try’na go through wit’ da Wu.”
Dash scoffed and crossed her forehooves over her chest. “Man, I didn’t even say it was ‘bout the Wu-Tang Herd.”
“Is it ‘bout the Wu-Tang Herd?”
“Is grape drank delicious?”
“Yeah, whateva,” Applejack said, rolling her eyes again. “Quit wastin’ ma time, nigga. Whatchu need?”
“I need ya help to practice a stunt to impress the Wu-Tang Herd!” Dash puffed out her chest and did a quick barrell roll in the sky.
Applejack face-hoofed, then sighed. It would waste too much of her precious time to argue with the arrogant lil’ nigga, so she simply said, “Aaight. What’s the stunt?”
“Easy, homie!” Dash landed on the ground in front of Applejack and pointed at a wooden board laid over a pivot. “You just jump on this here end once I get ready, an’ then I’ll shoot into the sky so I can learn’ some fly moves that I can show the Wu-Tang Herd later!”
“Nigga, they ain’t an acrobatics team.” Applejack rolled her eyes. “They a rap group. They rap. And unfo’tunately for you, homie, you have the rap skills of Stephen Hoofking.
“C’moooooooon!” Dash whined. “Can’t ya admit that this shit looks pretty gangsta, though?” She shot off into the sky and performed a few more barrell rolls and loops, which almost any nigga had to admit were pretty sweet.
“Okay, once again, Rainbow, and say it with me this time: The Wu-Tang Herd—”
“The Wu-Tang Herd—”
“Not literally, tard. The Wu-Tang Herd makes music, not tricks.” Applejack sighed. “But Imma guess you ain’t lettin’ me leave till I agree, so fuck it.”
“Hell yeah!” Dash pumped her forehooves and hovered down to Applejack. “C’mon, homie, let’s do it!”
Dash quickly flew over to one end of the wooden plank, while AJ made her way to the top of the jumping board. “Aaight, now, let me just get ready…” Dash began to stretch her wings and hooves, rapping to herself under her breath as she prepared:
“I’m the flyest rapper ever, yo…
My rhymes, they got… flow…
And although I’m a bit… slow…
I’ll show these niggas how to… go!”
Applejack looked down at the board. Her exhaustion was making her vision flip out. She couldn’t tell how far or close it was. Taking a step back, AJ ran and jumped off the platform, only to land face-first into the dirt.
Rainbow Dash looked at her oddly. “You was supposed to hit the board.”
“Fuck off, nigga,” AJ grumbled through the pain.
Dash stomped the ground. “C’mon, man! All ya gotta do is fall!”
Take two had similar results. She hit her head again, and this time, Dash swore she could see winged donuts flying around AJ’s head as she dazed in and out of consciousness. Rainbow stepped off the board, but AJ insisted she was okay.
“I’m… fine, nigga… Just… do your damn stunt.” Applejack climbed onto the platform and prepared. Rainbow was still off the board.
“Homie, are you sure—”
“Just hop up on the damn board!”
“Fine!” Rainbow Dash stood on the end of the board and waited again.
Applejack dizzily looked down at the small board. Growing tired of this, she jumped up as high as she could, then brought her hooves down, expecting to hit the board square and even.
Unfortunately, in her exhausted state, her hooves only grazed the end of the opposite board, and she slammed into it body-first, sending waves of uneven force through it. Accordingly, the other end of the board sprang up, and instead of sending Rainbow Dash steadily up into the sky, it rocketed her right towards some skyscrapers on the other side of town.
“APPPPPPPPLEJAAAAAAAAAACK! YOU HAD ONE JOB!”
“You’re welcome, fool!” Applejack said as she stepped off the device and wiped sweat from her brow. “Quit bein’ such a lil’ bitch, sheesh…”
Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash smacked straight-up into an insurance building, splaying against the glass and flashing everypony inside.
The janitor, who earlier had nothing to masturbate to, praised Faust and slinked his way to the nearest bathroom.
Applejack wanted desperately to get to bed. Being a G was no easy job, but she did it, by herself, with no one to help. And that was fo’ shizzle in her book. Next on the list of ponies to visit was getting an actual visit in the literal sense. Pinkie Pie had invited her to bake pot brownies, an olde time Apple family recipe.
Pinkie had the weed, the batter; all they had to do was bake the brownies. And then bake themselves.
Coming up to Pinkie’s projects, AJ could smell the brownie mix from there. It was the only thing that could mask the smell of Rarity’s dank-ass green.
Pinkie left her door wide open. As soon as the orange earth pony stepped inside, Pinkie was quick to greet her.
“What’s happenin’, AJ!” Pinkie said with an insanely large grin. “God damn… You look like sheeeeit.”
AJ rubbed her head. “I feel like sheeit too. “
“Well don’t you worry, home-dawg! Once we whip up a batch of these brownies, you be feelin’ like a million bits!” Pinkie cackled and hopped into the kitchen, where some loud Notorious P.I.E. music was blaring.
Pinkie ran up and showed Applejack her new beats. “Like my new boombox, homie? It’s the sheeeeeeeeeeeeeit!”
“Nigga, it looks bangin’, but fo’ real, though. ‘Sheeeit’ is mah thang. And where’d you hear dis song? I ain’t never heard it.”
Applejack listened to the song. The lyricism was niggin’ as fuck, but AJ knew she recognized the voice somewhere...
Pinkie Pie grabbed some bowls, spoons, baking sheets, and other supplies. “Yo, homie, can you go get the weed? It’s in my toilet tank.”
Applejack walked towards the bathroom and rolled her eyes. “Of course it is, nigga.”
Retrieving the marijuana, Applejack made her way back to Pinkie, who was already preparing to bake.
Pinkie had everything set-up and now just needed to mix the brownie batter. “Flour, sugar… hey, AJ, can you grab some eggs?”
“Eggs? Yeah, homes.” Applejack opened the refrigerator and peeked inside. The light inside the fridge was blinding and it was kinda hard to see. In her hastiness, she grabbed what she thought were eggs and brought them to Pinkie.
“Eggs.” AJ said simply. She was too exhausted to form full sentences anymore.
“Thanks, nigga!” Without even looking, Pinkie Pie threw two small urinal cakes into the batter. “Now, I need some milk.”
“Milk. Got it.” Applejack went back into the fridge and grabbed a jug of milk, not noticing the label on the front that read “black tar”.
“Milk,” she said, placing the jug on the table.
Pinkie poured some of the jug into the batter and continued to stir. She didn’t notice the color of the “milk,” since she thought it was merely chocolate milk. After she mixed the “ingredients” the best that she could, she said, “Awright! Now we just need wheat germ and the green, homie.”
“Wheat germ… green…” AJ said in a daze. “Sure, I get to it, nigga.”
Applejack stared at a shelf lined with ingredients. “Nigga, I don’t even know what da fuck wheat germ is… Imma assume you mean ammonia.”
“It’s yeast, fool! Yeast!”
“Feast? Yeah, I know nigga, but we gotta make the brownies first.”
Pinkie smacked her skull into a wall repeatedly. “No! No! Yeast! YEEEEEEEEEAST!” She began to laugh maniacally and reach towards some nearby kitchen knives. “Bring me yeeeeeeeeeeeast so we can get hiiiiiiiiiigh!”
Applejack grabbed the yeast and brought it over. “Aaight. God damn, homie, put da fuckin’ knife down.”
Upon seeing this, Pinkie put the knife down and started hopping up and down for no apparent reason. “Yeast! Yeast! Yeast! Yeaaaaaaaaaaah mix dat shit!”
Applejack poured in the yeast, more out of fear of Pinkie than anything. “How much do I put in?”
“One cup!”
Applejack eased her bag of yeast over the rim of the bowl. Letting her grip slip, the yeast began pouring into the bowl in large amounts, definitely more than a cup.
“That’s fine, right?”
Pinkie nodded rapidly. “Sure! Just mix it all up and put it in the oven, AJ!” She rubbed her forehooves together. “Then we’re gonna get hiiiiiiigh!”
“Sounds good to me,” Applejack said, sliding the baking pan into the oven. “My day’s been shit. I can’t wait for how good these mothafuckin’ brownies’ gonna taste.”
Twilight walked into the pure white tent pitched at the side of the road. Inside were tens of ponies tweaking their asses off. Some had the shakes, others were slapping their bed sheets repeatedly for no reason. In one of the beds, Pinkie was laying down and playing with her own cheeks. And not the ones on her face.
“Man, what da fuck is wrong wit’ you?”
Pinkie rolled from side to side and laughed, once again, for no apparent reason. “Bahhhh Twilight, there’s some bitch named Lucy in the sky! With diamonds!”
“Man, I thought you was off that hard shit.”
“Bang bang, Maxwell’s silver hammer came down upon her heeaaaaad!”
“Look man, what happened?”
“Jappledack made the treats, but she makith poison! Her japple is not dack at all, but in fact sack! Do you understand!?” Pinkie yelled hysterically.
“She made pot brownies wit’ black tar heroin, didn’t she?”
Pinkie looked up at Twilight and whispered slowly, “I see… dead… homies…”
“You about to see my hoof in your face if you don’t tell me where dat fool is.”
Suddenly gaining clarity, Pinkie pointed towards the opposite side of the road. “Jappledack’s over there, fool!” She then promptly resumed ranting about somepony named “John Hoof Kennedy” and “A.I.C.”
And Pinkie was right. Walking clumsily along the sidewalk was Applejack, a list of punks in front of her face. Applejack was mumbling under her breath about capping niggas and proceeded to drop the list repeatedly.
“Applejack, did you make the neighborhood tweek off their asses?” Twilight yelled at AJ, pointing a hoof towards the tent.
“Nah nigga, it was John Hoof Kennedy,” AJ said, falling onto her face. “The Zionists, man, they’re everywhere…”
Twilight woke the earth pony up off the ground and slapped her face. “Nigga, wake up! Snap outta it!” When Applejack didn’t respond, she slapped her yet another time, with a very strong pimp hoof.
“MAN, STOP PATTIN’ THERE, NIGGA! I AIN’T GOT ANY DRUGS!” Applejack yelled, snapping out of her daze and looking around. “Where the hell am I?”
Twilight glared and pulled her up by her hoodie. “Nigga, I found your ass tweakin’ out in the middle of the street! What the hell did you put in those brownies?!”
“You know, man… Some sugar, some pot, some… Beet worm I think… It
was good as fuck too,” AJ said, falling asleep again in Twilight’s hooves.
Twilight face-hoofed and shook Applejack rapidly. “Nigga! You musta laced those brownies with somethin’ strong! Wake up!”
“Ugh… Fine, whateva. I need to cap some niggas anyways.” Applejack stumbled towards the destination of her next victim.
“Man, you ain’t in no shape to cap any nigga! You’re gonna get yoself killed out there like this!” Twilight followed after her.
“Man, who are you to tell me I can’t bang? You gon’ what? Rat me out to the jakes? Man, you soundin’ more and more like a snee-i-itch e’rry day.”
Narrowing her eyes, Twilight pointed at Applejack and warned, “You cut with that bullshit, AJ, o’ I’ll let Celestia know you’re trippin’ on the job! You need to take a break, fool, o’ let us help you!”
“Pfft, nigga please,” AJ said, walking off. “I can take care of my sizelf.”
“No you cizant!” Twilight yelled back.
Applejack groaned to Fluttershy. “Man, why are you bringin’ me out here? I got shit to do.”
Fluttershy peeked her head out from her hoodie and shuffled her hooves. “Oh, well, man, you know what they say… it’s better to have a homie for these kinda things… ya know…”
“What things? You still ain’t told me why I’m here.”
Pointing to an abandoned alleyway on the other side of the street, Fluttershy said, “Well, you know, we’ve got some… business… to take care of with them homies over there. An’ I figured… you know… since you’re the best and all… you could help, if that’s okay with you…”
“Well… Ah guess I could divvy some time for you if it means business. Who are dey?”
Fluttershy shrugged. “I really don’t know… but some homies of a homie said they needed our… business.”
“Aaight, I gotcha,” AJ said proudly. “Let me do what myself do best.”
With a crack of her neck, Applejack led the way into the alley. After a good few minutes of nothing happening, they came into a courtyard between three project buildings, with a whole crowd of ponies wearing bandanas and bazooka-straps huddled there. AJ noticed they were split by the colors of their bandanas. Half were blue, and half were red. They all looked like they were enjoying themselves. Too bad it wouldn’t last.
Stepping into the courtyard, AJ picked out one of the ponies with a red bandana who looked important and walked over to her. Pulling out her UZI, Applejack put it to the side of the gangsta’s head.
Fluttershy’s jaw dropped. “No! No, no! Don’t hurt ‘em, man!” As she stood up, she almost dropped the weed in her hoodie pockets, which had been intended to be sold to the now-headless gangsta.
The gunshots echoed throughout the courtyard. The rest of the ponies in the courtyard went quiet and a few pulled out guns of their own. One of the other red-wearing ponies looked at AJ and noticed a blue piece of fabric hanging out of her hoodie’s pocket.
“Man, what da fuck!” she yelled. “The blue sent you to do dis?”
Upon hearing this, the courtyard quickly went into chaos. Suddenly, the courtyard was split into sides, one side red, and the other blue. They were yelling at each other over the commotion.
“I KNEW we shouldn’t have trusted these niggas!” a pony from the red yelled.
“THOSE BITCHES! Get ‘em!” a pony from the blue gang screamed.
“This is why we shouldn’t be homies with niggas from a different socio-tribal status than our own!”
“You ignant!”
“No you ignant!”
“Um… Applejack… fo’ real… let’s stop an’ get outta here…” Fluttershy mumbled and ducked behind Applejack, scrambling to keep the unsold drugs in her pockets and avoid being made into Swiss cheese at the same time.
The yelling and gun-pointing went on for minutes. A misstep from a pony on the red side caused him to step on the sneakers of a blue gangsta. You neva, EVA, step on a G’s sneakers.
“DAT NIGGA STEPPED ON MY DOCKAS!” the pony yelled.
“OH HELL NAW! IT’S ON!”
“I’M ANGRY!”
“MY FATHA LEFT ME AS A CHILD!”
Suddenly, the entire courtyard erupted into a rain of gunfire. Torrents of bullets ricocheted off nearby trash cans and lamp posts as both gangs now unleashed upon each other. Fluttershy nearly lost her shiznit right then and there. The fact that Applejack was now joining in the gunfire wasn’t helping things.
“IT’S FUCK WIT’ AJ DAY, AND EVERYBODY’S CELEBRATIN’!” Applejack yelled, firing her automatic into the mayhem around her.
At that, Fluttershy had enough. She drew an AK-47 from somewhere in her hoodie and started firing into the crowd. “I HAD SOME NOSE DUST FOR YOU NIGGAS, BUT NOW I GOTTA YOU INTO DUST!”
About five minutes of fighting later, only Applejack and Fluttershy remained.
“Well dat was dapper,” AJ proclaimed.
Twilight walked towards her destination with a smile. It was a stressful day, but hopefully, a good deal of weed would calm her down. Not only that, but she was going to seal a peace agreement between two local gangs. It was going down in a courtyard a block away. Tucking a blue and red bandana in her pocket for symbolism, she walked confidently into the courtyard, only to see dead ponies by the score.
Standing beside the wreckage were Fluttershy and Applejack. Fluttershy paled the moment she saw Twilight approaching and tucked her AK back in the depths of her endless hoodie. “Oh, wh-wh-what’s up, Twilight?”
Twilight merely looked around at the bodies, and back up to the two friends. Applejack was still holding the literal smoking gun to implicate her in the deed.
“Look, nigga…” AJ stuttered. “It ain’t what it look like.”
“You killed these ponies,” Twilight muttered.
“Aaight, so it is what it look like.” Applejack rubbed the back of her head. “But I didn’t start dis shit. A nigga got her shoes stepped on; you know how it go.”
“Actualllly…” Showing Applejack the bags of weed and blow in her pockets, Fluttershy said, “I was wantin’ you to come wit’ me, homie, so we could sell ‘em this…”
“Oh… Nigga why didn’t you say so?” Applejack turned to Twilight. “Aaight, so there was a bit of a misunderstandin’.”
“I did say so…” Fluttershy muttered.
“Man, who are you, da FBI? Get off my dick, Inspecta Bitch-Ass.”
“Applejack, this is fuckin’ unbelievable. You gotta take a goddamn rest, or I might gotta kill you myself,” Twilight said, poking her homie in the chest. “Go home, nigga, and gimme dat list.”
Twilight reached for the list Applejack was carrying, but she kept it away from the unicorn. “Nuh uh, dawg. Dis is my list, with my jobs on it. Besides…” Applejack rolled out the scroll and showed it to Twilight. “I already got all my bangin’ done! How ‘bout dat, son!”
Twilight sighed and grabbed the list, turning it over. On the other side was a whole nother line of names and addresses.
AJ began to feel dizzy. “Nig… wha… I… Uhh…” Applejack fell to the ground.
“Oh shit, son! Are you alright, homie?” Fluttershy asked, running over to Applejack, who was face-first on the pavement and clearly unconscious.
Stirring from her sleep, AJ woke up staring into Fluttershy’s face. It was uncomfortably close for Applejack. “Nigga, if you kiss me, I’mma kick ya faggot ass.”
Applejack got slowly onto her hooves. “Twilight… I can’t believe I about to say dis: Will you help me kill and jack these fools? I can’t do it by my sizelf.”
“I know you cizant,” Twilight said, supporting her homie as she stood. “Get to bed, and we’ll kill some niggas in the mornin’. Sound coolio?”
“Yeah, homes, I appreciate it…”
Fluttershy held out a bag of white powder. “I still gots some nose-candy if y’all want some.”
“Fuck yeah,” the two other ponies said.
They all got high and proceeded to kill a lot of double-crossin’ niggas the next day.
And Applejack learned never to engage in “business” unless she knew she could handle it.
Unfortunately, Big Mac10tosh learned the hard way never to get into his sister’s stash. He couldn’t walk straight for weeks after that.
Once all the other niggas were good an’ killed, Twilight and her homies gathered at Applejack’s to celebrate.
“Ay, Twilight, pop the Heini, will ya?” Applejack asked, handing the unicorn her beer. Twilight gladly opened the bottle.
Holding her alcohol up in the air, Applejack said, “Peace to everypony fo’ helpin’ me out, niggas. If it wasn’t for all y’all, I’d still be making punks’ moms into mourners. To homies!”
“TO HOMIES!” the others cried, holding up their beers, shots, and joints.
As they began to relax and unwind from a crazy day in ghetto, Applejack turned to Twilight and said, “Hey, Twilight. We should let Celestia know we took care o’ things.”
Twilight took a drag off her blunt and nodded. “Spike, paper and pen, dawg.”
Spike did as he was told like a whipped bitch and brought the paper and pen to the table.
“Write this down…”
“Ey, Twi, mad respect, but can I have the pleasure, G?” Applejack asked. Twilight said yes and AJ told Spike what to write.
“Celestia, today I killed the last punk-mothafucka on the list, with the help of my brothas. Also, I learned that killin’ ponies when you exhausted ain’t a good idea. You should only kill ponies when you wide awake. I also learned what wheat germ is, but I still think people should just call it fuckin’ yeast and be done with it. I mean, god damn, ‘wheat germ’ don’t even make sense. It ain’t even a germ… Stupid-ass bakers. Anyways, I expect my payment at the usual time and place. Peace out. Yo homie, Applejack.”
Spike finished off the letter and lit it, sending the mystic paper to Celestia. Applejack sighed relaxedly, but stirred when she smelled smoke. In her tired state, she didn’t notice the burning piece of weed ash that fell onto her hoodie.
“OH FUCK OH SHIT!”
Spike was quick to react and tried blowing out the flame, only to breathe fire and make the entire hoodie’s front catch aflame.
“GODDAMMIT SPIKE!”
