Chapters Chapter 2: It's just terrible!
Friendship is Madgic
"Next up is Pinkie Pie,” said Twilight. "As a special treat, she’s decided to do her ad live in front of everypony, and that she'll be using the screen as part of her audio-visual-dynamic-contextual fabric, whatever that is." The purple pony shrugged and moved aside as the lights dimmed.
A single, sad note from a cello filled the darkness, its texture low and tremulous. The lights slowly rose, and the note rose in timbre with it until Pinkie was revealed, hunched into a ball, dressed in a black body stocking. There was a grating sound and Pinkie turned her head to the screen, still hunched as if in fear.
Hmm... This isn't what I expected from Pinkamena, thought Celestia.
On screen was a view of one of the Earth's many dismal favelas. It was dank, dirty, and depressing, a washed out scene in greys and blacks, all of which seemed to be reflected and amplified by the music. Pinkie rose to her hind legs like a human and began to move in staccato bursts, each move and stance in counterpoint to the music and reflecting a sad and frightened individual. The image on screen seemed to move uncannily well with Pinkie's own, so that even though she didn't budge an inch from her spot it looked as if she was a fugitive fleeing something terrible and being thwarted and threatened at every step.
This so moving, thought the Princess. I didn’t know Pinkamena had it inside of her. I’m thoroughly impressed. She heard a sniffle from Luna's direction.
On the screen, a small spot of colour appeared. It was a poster on a favela wall. Pinkie’s gaze became fixed on it. The music changed. Notes began to harmonize. She crept in closer (never actually moving from her spot). It was a poster for the Conversion Bureaus.
By now the discordant sounds had been replaced by a light airy melody. Pinkie stretched out her forelegs in yearning, seemingly edging closer, then closer still. Just when it looked like she might reach her goal, a bitter note of discord rent the harmony as cymbals crashed shockingly loud.
"Eeeeek!" Celestia felt a vibration through the dais/box spring as Luna started in surprise.
Before the screen, Pinkie had raised her forelegs as if to hide her face from something. Then she began to tentatively feel the air around her with one forehoof, and then with both. It became obvious there was an invisible wall. She reached up. Her hooves balked on an invisible surface above her. And then beside her. Frantically she began feeling all around, her movements restricted to a smaller and smaller space. The music grew oppressive. On the screen the word ‘Barrier’ appeared. The lights gradually dimmed as the imaginary space around Pinkie grew smaller and smaller and the word ‘Barrier’ multiplied onscreen, growing larger each new appearance.
Luna's sniffles amplified. Perhaps it wasn't such a good idea to expose my little sister to modern media emotional manipulation techniques, mused Celestia.
Finally Pinkie Pie had shrunk to a ball on the floor again. There was one last discordant shriek from the cello. The little black leotarded ball of pony erupted into flames and was consumed in an instant. The embers faded, and the room went black.
Well, thought Celestia, that was unexpected! She reached over to stroke her weeping sister's mane.
Then on screen, a message appeared.
‘Go to your Conversion Bureau today’
It faded out and another text faded in.
‘Before it’s too late’
Fade out.
Twilight and her friends sure seem to like laying on the drama good and thick! thought Celestia.
Fade in.
‘Because’
Fade out.
Patience Celestia. Let's see how the pink party pony wraps this up.
Fade In.
‘A mime is a terrible thing to waste.’
"Wah-hah-hhhaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!" Luna wailed. Celestia quickly reached over and enfolded her in a full alicorn hug: neck, forelegs and wings. "All those poor mi-hi-hiiiimes! How terrible the tra-ge-dee-ee-eee." She snuffled into her sister's withers, leaving huge gobs of snot on the snow white fur.
"Pinkamena Diane Pie!" Celestia called. For some reason the Element Bearers had already disappeared from sight. Pinkie Pie popped up seemingly from nowhere, holding a box of tissues.
“I know!” Tears flew from her blue eyes in twin streams. “It’s so sad about all those mimes. Wah-hah-hhaaaaaahhh!” She offered the box of tissues to the Princesses while wailing as loud as Luna. “But maybe now,” sniffle, “all the mimes will see the commercial and get ponified before it’s too la-hay-hay-hate.”
“Oh," sniffed the Moon Princess, "Pinkamena, thinkest thou they wi-hi-hi-hiiill?”
“I’m sure they will!” Suddenly Pinkie was smiling again. She pulled a sheet of paper from wherever it was she put things. "I had the ad run through a focus group. It scored over nine thousand on the mimetic scale!"
"They said so?" asked Luna tremulously.
"They didn't say anything. They were mimes, silly! They responded by e-mail," said Pinkie.
Luna turned to Celestia. "E-mail, sister. Be this something I shouldst have studied this in my introduction to modern life?"
"We'll get to it eventually, Luna," said Celestia, smiling sheepishly. In another century or two when you're ready for it, thought Celestia.
Her Ponyville friends could be seen peeking from around various pieces of large or overturned furniture. Pinkie gave Luna a hug. Apparently reassured, the younger princess sat back in her throne and began methodically wiping tears and phlegm from her dark coat.
Celestia resumed her own throne. With a shaky voice she commented. “That was certainly a most effective advert, but one I suspect with a rather small target demographic.” And now the humans will dump ALL their mimes into Equestria forthwith, she thought. What a disaster! I’ll need to send an advisory to warn the Conversion Bureau directors. She swallowed to calm herself. Out loud she said: “Twilight, please do continue.”
The lights faded again.
Chapter 3: This Exponential Land
Friendship is Madgic
The screen lit up to a scene of grasslands, lush and verdant and spreading as far as the eye can see. The scene panned right. A lone earth pony appeared in the distance, the prairie grass growing almost to her withers. Her orange coat and blond mane left no doubt that it was none other than Applejack. As the camera zoomed-in she rose to her hind legs, forelegs held out to her sides, the frogs of her hooves stroking the bearded tips of the tall grass.
What a lovely image, thought Celestia. Of all the bearers, she’s the one who seems both the most at ease and the most powerful when in her element. What a truly regal mare!
“This is good land,” said the orange mare, a lone stem of grass dangling from the corner of her mouth. She pushed her Stetson up, revealing her sun-freckled face and huge green eyes. There was no mistaking the affection in her gaze as she scanned the prairie vista. “My family knows good land when we see it. The Apple clan have been farmers fer generations. The land and all the things that grow in it an’ on it are a big part of who we are. ”
“So ya’ll listen up when ah tell you, this land weren’t here even a few weeks ago.” She waved a foreleg pointing into the distant horizon. “Cause this here land is part of the exponential lands. You’d never know by lookin’ at it, but all this used to be part of the Earth and there was nothin’ livin’ on it but maybe a few weeds an’ bugs. This here land used to be fields covered by the last harvest.” The vision of green on-screen was replaced by stock footage of grey fields of toxic dead wheat, victims of the eco-disaster that killed off most of the earth's grasses and legumes.
Even though she had known all about it for years, the shock of the contrast still affected Celestia very deeply. “How could they have done this?” Luna blustered next to her. "Sister, thou..." Celestia place a hoof on her sister’s and felt the mare trembling in anger. There were still some things about the Earth that she had not yet told her.
“Hush, Luna. We shall discuss it anon,” whispered Celestia, and turned her attention back to the screen.
“When ah first visited the Earth it just about broke my heart to see it,” said Applejack’s voice. The scene cut back to the farm mare peering into the distance. “But jes’ look at it now.” She gave a patented thousand candle-power Apple clan smile.
“This all is part-n-parcel of the magic the Princesses made to protect Equestria’s ecology during the convergence, an’ it’s turnin’ every mile of sterile Earth land absorbed by the barrier into three or four miles of this beautiful Equestrian prairie that’s jes’ begin' fer good folks to come here to settle. To farm. To raise families. To live and become part of tha land.” She stared directly into the camera.
“And that’s where you all come in.” She waved her foreleg again. “All this could be yours, just for the asking.” Her expression became serious. “Now ah ain’t gonna lie to you an' say that a farmer’s life is an easy one, ‘cause it ain’t. It’s hard work from sunup to sundown.” Her brilliant smile came back. “But ah wouldn’t trade it for all the gold in two worlds.”
Luna clopped hooves. "Huzzah for Applejack! How could any human refuse such an enticing prospect?" Celestia smiled at her sister but kept quiet.
On the screen, Applejack dropped back to all four hooves and began to slowly walk away, her hat and blond pony tail barely visible above the grass. A simple guitar tune began playing. Her voice-over resumed. “If you can feel the call of the land in your bones, or even if ya cain't, ah recommend you to go to the Conversion Bureau at your earliest convenience. Y’all won’t regret it, no matter where you're coming from. All y’all will be welcome here, and that’s the honest truth.” As she walked into the distance the volume of the music rose and a familiar tune rang out from the speakers, with sweet young voices singing the words, mostly in key.
‘This land is your land, this land is my land
The music faded with a flourish and giggles from the singers.
Applejack’s face reappeared on-screen, looking somewhat sheepish. “Oh, an’ ah won’t tell ya’ll there ain’t no hazards in Equestria, ‘cause there is. There's monsters in the Everfree like timberwolves, parasprites, ursas major and minor, hydras an’ other critters ah can’t rightly remember. And then there’s also crazy unicorns, Discord when he ain’t a statue, buffalo when they're on the warpath, gryphons when they're obnoxious, mean ponies, ponies that don't like apples, ponies that make stupid cider squeezing machines, the mayor of Ponyville when she thinks she can do comedy, an’ whoever done took Granny Smith's dentures agin'.”
“Sis!” said a foal’s voice off-screen. Applejack looked down and her eyes grew wide. “Oh yeah! An’ that was my sister Apple Bloom an’ her friends Sweetie Belle an’ Scootaloo, who done sang for you all.”
The screen went dark, and the lights came up. Applejack stood before the screen, a look of interested curiosity on her face. "Since nopony's hidin' behind the furniture, I recon that wasn't so bad at all!"
"That was a truly inspiring monologue, Applejack," said Princess Celestia.
"I'll pass the compliment onto my brother Big Macintosh, seeing as he did most of the writin' fer this commercial," replied the orange mare. "He don't say much, but he sure can write mighty purty words when he sets his mind to it."
"He certainly can," agreed Celestia. "Perhaps you should consider having a few posters made to support your theme. Although that last bit might need to be edited out. Remember that we do give a course on the hazards of Equestria to every Newfoal before they go through the Conversion process."
"We'll ah suppose so," said Applejack sounding unsure. "Maybe ah'll do that part over agin'. Ah jes kinda tacked it on myself 'cause ah wouldn't want nopony to be disappointed when they got to Equestria an' all."
"That's very thoughtful of you, Applejack." Celestia heaved a sigh of relief. Finally things were looking up. "So. Who's next?"
"That would be Rarity, your highness," said Twilight. "Lights please!"
Oh good, thought Celestia. Let's see what civilized advert our sophisticated fashionista has devised. The room was again shrouded in darkness.
Chapter 4: Dum, dum, da-dum
Friendship is Madgic
(Author's note: Open this in another tab and then come back and start reading.)
The screen lit up showing a poster displaying an image of a pony: a head shot of Rarity sporting one of her signature Sunbonnets. Over her head were two lines of text which read "Fashion Show Tonight at the Carousel Boutique, Ponyville, Equestria." Slowly the scene pulled back, revealing two human girls, a tall blond and a shorter brunette, dressed in flowing gowns. The tall one giggled loudly and placed a hand on the other's shoulder. "A fashion show? In Equestria? But ponies don't wear any clothes! What are they gonna show off, fur?" The girl giggled again then straightened up. “I’m never converting! I would rather die, because,” she adopted a dramatic pose with the back of one hand on her forehead, “I cannot live without fashion!” The other girl was laughing while looking at the image on the wall. Her smile faded as a faint sound of drums could be heard. It seemed to come from the poster. The two girls leaned in towards the image of Rarity.
The drums beat louder: dum, dum, da-dum, da, dum, dum, da-dum! The image of Rarity on the wall moved, the hat dipping slightly with the beat. The girls moved backwards suddenly. Celestia heard Luna's surprised indrawn breath.
Rarity on the screen moved again. Horns began to sound, adding another raucous layer to the beat: bwaaaa, waa-a-waa, bwaaaa, waa-a-waa.
Rarity’s head moved with the beat, and suddenly she was out of the poster and fully three dimensional, tapping her forehooves before the two surprised humans. She was also wearing a long white dress with a simple cut that emphasized her alabaster back, elegant coiffe and her long neck that sported a short string of diamonds. On her hooves were delicate silver slippers.
“Well darlings,” said Ponyville’s premiere fashionista, “in Equestria not only do we love fashion, but it’s our style to to make it sing, sing, sing, with a swing!” The music took off with a blast of horns and clarinets. Rarity’s hooves began to fly as she tap-danced to the lively sound.
Celestia leaned forward on her throne. I had no idea Rarity could tap dance! And to Benny Goodpony at that! She smiled broadly and risked a glance at her sister. Luna was leaning dangerously forward on her own throne, a look of utter surprise on her muzzle.
The blond human lifted the hem of her dress, and tapped out a staccato series of steps while Rarity watched. The mare repeated the moves with her forelegs, adding an extra flourish. The brunette then issued her own challenge as the mare and the other human watched. Rarity repeated that sequence using only hindlegs. Then the three repeated their sequences simultaneously, Rarity matching both of the humans’ moves with all four legs!
The three rested a moment as the drum beat a solo sequence. On the screen, Pinkie-pie and Fluttershy entered the dance, both wearing flowing ballroom gowns. They positioned themselves just behind the unicorn mare, mirroring her every move, each one doing the same complex four-hooved step.
There was an red flash in the air above them, and suddenly, there stood Big Macintosh wearing an immaculate white smoking jacket and black tie. Rarity moved to face him.
Clickety-click-ty-click went her forehooves.
Clickety-click-ty-click went Big Mac’s.
Clickety-click-click-click went Rarity’s hindhooves.
Clickety-click-click-click went the stallion’s.
With a blare of horns, the two began a complex series of moves, dancing around each other, with Pinkie and Fluttershy orbiting in step around the pair.
The two humans looked at each other, shrugged and hand-in-hand began to swing with the music.
The ponies approached the pair and together all six made a complex series of moves including arms, forelegs and necks. Pinkie and Fluttershy paired off, as did the two humans. Each pair locked forelimbs and began swinging each other in turn. They lined up next to Big Mac and Pinkie swung Fluttershy right over his back, and the motion was completed by Fluttershy pulling Pinkie over his back in turn. The human girls did the same, ending up on the opposite side of the large farmpony.
There was another sequence with all three pairs gyrating around a common center. With a last flourish of horns and clarinet, the music ended, Rarity sitting side-saddle on Big Mac’s back, the pony mares leaning on one of his flanks and the humans girls on the other.
The camera zoomed-in close on Rarity’s visage. The image froze in the same pose as at the beginning of the segment. The camera then pulled back revealing the two human girls again, looking at Rarity’s face on the poster.
The girl who had giggled at the idea of a pony fashion show looked to the other human. “I take it back. Fashion in Equestria really swings, and on all four legs!"
"So you'll consider converting before it's too late?" asked her friend.
"I have to admit, compared to the alternative, it's more than just the fashionable thing to do. And I can't wait to try on some of those dresses!"
The girls giggled and walked off-screen together.
The lights came up. Rarity stood next to the screen.
Celestia looked at her sister and gently lifted Luna’s lower jaw back into place. “That was exquisite, Rarity! You ladies, and those two humans are truly amazing dancers! And that was Applejack’s brother, was it not?”
Applejack moved up next to Rarity, with the rest of the Bearers close behind. “Sure enough, that was Big Mac. I recon he got all the dancin’ genes ‘cause I sure didn’t. But that was mighty fun to watch!”
Luna sat back down on her throne. “I surely must spend more time in Ponyville. So much has passed me over in the last thousand years. Perhaps, Rarity, you can teach me to dance as well.”
“I’m willing to try, your majesty. But I’ve already had to admit defeat trying to teach Twilight,” she replied demurely.
Twilight blushed. “It wasn't a total loss. At least I can dance for my own enjoyment, if not for that of others.” All the other elements were suddenly looking elsewhere. Celestia was forced to extinguish a snort before it might offend her favorite student.
“Well then, that leaves Fluttershy,” said Celestia. “Shall we?”
The lights grew dim.
Author's Note
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2S1I_ien6A
Chapter 5: My Neighbourhood
Friendship is Madgic
Fade-in to a scene in a colourful cottage in Equestria. On a low sofa, a yellow pegasus mare lies surrounded by small woodland creatures. On a rug in front of her is a toy train on an oval track. From the open windows of a bright red trolley, a few more birds and a squirrel can be seen waving paws and feathers. The mare tilts her head to one side as she looks at the camera, and says in a low sweet voice: "Welcome neighbour!" She smiles and a light piano tune begins playing.
“My name is Fluttershy, and these are my little friends.” Her expression grew somber. “I know what it’s like to be lost and alone, and I don’t ever want anypony or anyone to feel that way. When I find little animals that are lost or hurt, I invite them to my house, so that they can rest, or get better or just gather the courage to continue.” She scratched a white bunny sitting next to her under the chin.
“When I visited Earth I got to meet a lot of nice people. I was really frightened at first because what’s different can sometimes seem very scary. But then I made some friends and they showed me so many great things about humans and Earth, and I wasn’t so afraid anymore.
“Now there are a lot of people who are afraid, because if they don’t convert then they won’t survive the convergence. A lot of them are afraid of becoming ponies, and some of them are even afraid of ponies.” She paused and looked straight into the camera. “I understand. So many things are scary for me too.” She petted the bunny next to her. “But I want you to know something. While I was visiting the Earth I found out just how much we ponies and humans are the same inside. My human friends showed me a TV show from a long time ago that made me see that very clearly. It changed the way I look at humans forever, and it made me a better pony inside, so I’m really grateful. Some of my human friends have already become ponies, and they’re still them inside. That didn’t change, and I’m so glad, because it’s what’s inside that made them so special.
“So I’m only going to ask you one thing. Stay alive. Please. I don’t want anyone to die, and I want us all to be friends. I know conversion is scary, but think about it. Save the you inside, please.
“Oh, and there was a song from that TV show that I really loved. I sing it all the time, even when I’m alone, just because it’s a very good song! I hope you don’t mind if I sing it for you now.”
The tempo of the music picked up, and Fluttershy sang out in a surprisingly clear, sweet voice:
It's a neighbourly day in this beauty wood,
I've always wanted to have a neighbour just like you.
So, let's make the most of this beautiful day.
The camera focused on the little trolley on the oval rug as it toot-tooted. The squirrel rang its bell. The image at the edge of the screen turned black leaving only a circle at the middle. It tracked the trolley as it slowly iris closed to point. The lively sound of the bells faded, and the lights came up.
“That was just lovely Fluttershy,” said Celestia. “I’m sure it will make a lot of humans think carefully, and be less afraid of conversion and becoming ponies. You were very right to remind everyone and everypony that it’s what’s inside that counts.” As she leaned back onto her throne the box spring underneath gave another ominous crack. Everypony looked at Celestia as she froze on her throne, everypony except Luna that is. Luna hopped off and back onto her throne several times in complete silence.
“How droll, sister. The dais only seems to make noise when thou movest.” She smiled sweetly. “Perhaps thou ought not so oft partake of rich deserts.” Everypony looked away as the Princess of the Day assumed a rosé cast to her regal features.
Celestia leaned forward and with a crack one of the front legs of her throne sank fully into the box spring. Luckily she was already mostly out of the chair and simply stepped forward naturally, neither losing her balance nor her dignity in the process. However, her horn glowed and behind her the throne righted itself with only a slight crunch as the offending leg pulled out of the box spring. Note to self, thought Celestia. Advise Twilight no more improvised throne supports in the future.
She addressed the gathered mares. “Now ladies, truly remarkable as these advertisements are, they will still need some polishing.” She went to the door connecting to her own room in the suite. “Consequently I have invited a reputable advertising agency to add their own layer of icing to the cake.” Her eyes narrowed as she stared pointedly at her sister for a moment. The door opened, revealing two individuals, one a human, one a pony.
“Ladies, may I introduce the distinguished partners of the firm BBDOL.” She invited them to enter the room. “This is Mr. Bob Tanner,” said Celestia, offering a hoof in the human ritual of the handshake, “and the recently added L of BBDOL, Equestria’s very own –” she waved a hoof towards a blue unicorn mare wearing an expensive business suit and paused as she heard a chorus of gasps, and a very unladylike growl, "– er, Miss Beatrix Lulamoon."
She turned around. Twilight Sparkle stood looking as if she had discovered somepony defacing her favourite book. Her head was low, her ears flattened against the back of her head, and the air above her shimmered as if from intense desert heat. And then there were her most faithful student’s eyes: instead of the usual lovely violet eyes to die for, Celestia could see flames dancing in them. All the other Bearers of the Elements of Harmony had taken refuge behind the furniture again. Even her sister’s throne was empty. Celestia felt oddly exposed.
That was when Spike walked-in and said “Hey ladies. How’s tricks?”
Chapter 1: Pitcher, pitcher on the wall...
Friendship is Madgic
Princess Celestia wasn't too sure what she thought of the improvised dais supporting the 'thrones' on which she and her sister sat. It was a box spring re-purposed from the hotel room's bed, and it creaked ominously whenever one of the diarchs moved. The thrones were faux-Louis XIV chairs with faux-gold paint and rather gaudy faux-rococo upholstery that she suspected would have been excessive even hanging as drapes. A glance at the nearby window allowed her to visually confirm her suspicion.
Looking around, she had to admit the chairs and drapes were certainly consistent with the rest of the decor of the Washington Excelsior Hotel's 'Royal Suite'. Despite the pleasant expression on her face she was somewhat nervous. The room's theme bore an uncomfortable number of resemblances to that of Canterlot Castle, and she dreaded the moment when a certain purple pony would make a few mental connections and start asking her teacher embarrassing questions about Equestrian history. The purple pony in question stood before the Royal Dais with her friends from Ponyville.
Celestia adjusted her posterior minutely, trying for the umpteenth time to discover a less discomfiting posture on the human furnishing. The unavoidable creak prompted Princess Luna to glance her way. Her smaller stature granted her an easier time sitting in human chairs. She sat ramrod straight, a slightly goofy grin on her muzzle. This was her first trip to the Earth and she seemed thrilled to no end with all the new sights and human technologies.
"This is all so exceedingly novel, sister!" said Luna. "Thinkest thou that thy student's and her comrades' mummery shall enamor the teaming masses of this world to Equestria, and our equine estate?"
"That is indeed what Twilight believes we can achieve with this media campaign," replied Celestia. "Of course, this is the first time Equestrians have employed these means, so let us keep an open mind." She smiled sweetly, despite having major reservations about the whole project. In an attempt to hide her qualms, she poured herself a cup of tea from a silver tea service on a wheeled cart near the faux-rococo drapes. Taking a sip she turned her attention back to her student and her friends.
"Your majesties, when I first discovered the truly impressive advances the humans have made in the field of mass media communication via advertising, I was thrilled not only to expand the horizons of Equestrian knowledge, but also of finding a new tool to help communicate our message of friendship to all the citizens of the Earth.
“Since humans spend a significant portion of their lives watching such advertising, it has become a familiar and comforting experience and the ideal way to get the Conversion Bureau message out to them. However, as there exists quite a wide variety of media and philosophies regarding the creation of effective adverts, the other bearers of the Elements of Harmony have volunteered..." Standing next to her, Applejack jabbed Twilight in the ribs. The purple mare sighed. "uh... they have accepted after multiple requests..." Applejack smiled and nodded, “... to each create one advert for consideration as part of our very own ‘Convert before it’s too late!’ campaign!”
Twilight clopped her forehooves together enthusiastically, and the other Element Bearers followed suit. With a distinct sinking feeling, Celestia added her own polite applause while Luna joined in with gusto. The Ponyville six beamed at their sovereigns as they applauded. Where’s Spike? thought Celestia. He usually can’t resist attending these chariot-crashes-in-the-making.
The clatter stopped when the princess raised a handsome white hoof. “This is a most excellent initiative, ladies,” beatified Celestia. And the sooner it starts, the sooner it will be over, she thought with an inner sigh. “Please proceed with the first advert.”
“Great! Dash, hit the lights. If Your Majesties would kindly turn your attentions to the large screen on the wall.”
“Meaneth-she the portrait of flowers in a vase on yonder wall?” Luna pointed with a hoof. “Why should we, e’en it doth bear a more than passing resemblance to ‘Sunflowers’ by Vincent Van Woah...” Her eyes grew big as the picture faded and was replaced by a representation of the Equestrian Coat of Arms. “Sister, didst thou see that! They have enchanted paintings on this world!”
It was Celestia’s turn to smile sheepishly. “Er, indeed, sister. Except that here it’s called television, and the pictures can also move.”
“Ooo!” Luna clopped again. “How ingenious!”
“Yes, but hush now, sister, lest we interrupt the program.” Luna nodded and settled down in her ‘throne’.
The screen cleared to reveal an image of the Wonderbolts in a flyby. A thudding musical bass line resounded in the hotel room. Celestia recognized one of Vinyl Scratch’s more recent compositions. Rainbow Dash’s voice reverberated from the screen.
‘There’s a place that’s cool.” The music thudded on, beating in time with the stunning acrobatics of the pegasi flyers.
‘A place where if you’re lucky you can get to know what it really means to fly.’
Shots of near-miss fly-bys. The beat accelerated.
‘A place that’s twenty percent cooler than anyplace you’ve ever been.’
A cyan pony joined the Wonderbolts, leaving a rainbow trail in the sky behind her.
‘A place where I hang out, and if you’re REALLLY lucky, you’ll get to see me do this.’
There was a close-up shot of Rainbow Dash, heading straight upwards at an incredible speed into the sky. After a moment she passed her apogee and began an even more ludicrously speedy descent. Her mane, tail and even lips vibrating in the near supersonic wind as she reached critical speed. The music crescendo-ed, and on screen a circular multicolored shock wave expanded from the site of a patented Rainbow Dash sonic rainboom. The picture faded to black and then the image of the cyan pegasus faded-in. Her forelegs were crossed in front of her barrel, an expression of haughty confidence on her young face.
‘If you want a piece of this, and I know you do, get you flank down to the nearest Conversion Bureau and get ponified.” The Dash on screen leaned forward, placing a foreleg on each side of her body, elbows out, wrists in. “C’mon already! What are you waiting for? A golden Ticket to the Grand Galloping Gala? Lemme tell ya from experience, this is way more than 20% better! So get moving!’
Her image on screen was replaced by slogan, ‘Go Pony’ in big white letters. As the music came to a stop, the word “NOW!” appeared just before the screen faded to black. The lights in the room came back up.
As the other ponies applauded, Rainbow Dash stood on her hind legs next to the screen, in the same elbows-out pose as in the video, a smug expression on her muzzle. “So! Isn’t that the coolest ad you’ve ever seen?”
Luna was the first to respond. “S’truth! It very much is!” She raised an eyebrow. “And it is also the first. Perhaps t’were better we view another, to inform our opinion before we render judgement.”
“That was most interesting, Rainbow Dash” added Celestia, also raising an eyebrow. “But I do hope we can have the reference to the Grand Galloping Gala stricken from the script. We should be promoting Equestria’s cultural events in these adverts, not disparaging them.”
Celestia noticed that some of the wind had left the sails of the little blue pegasus.
“Nevertheless, a very good first effort" said Celestia. "Please let us view the next one.” From the corner of her eye she noticed her most faithful student with that funny look she had whenever anypony mentioned a test.
The room darkened again as the screen lit up revealing... scrolling text:
‘A Twilight Sparkle production’
‘Directed by Twilight Sparkle’
‘Lyrics adapted by Twilight Sparkle’
A beautiful shot of Canterlot as seen by a pegasus pony flying in from the clouds above it, circling and then then flying down towards a small village at the foot of the mountain below it. Wait! There’s no village there! thought Celestia. She leaned back into the chair. But I suppose we can let that pass as artistic license. The soundtrack was a pleasant melody, reminiscent of the show-tunes of the late fifties and sixties. She tapped along with a hoof. It reminded her how pleasant her periodic clandestine visits to the Earth were in those years. They had been one of her few guilty pleasures during Luna's thousand year banishment. Of course these visits weren’t vacations per se, as the real reason for them was to observe the Earth’s cultural and scientific development and ‘borrow’ whatever seemed useful to Equestria. And read a few books while eating pastries and sitting on the beach in the sun, she admitted to herself. Ever since the convergence with Earth started she had to be careful what she said, lest somepony or someone suspect that she was more than passing familiar with the earth. She had never told even a single other pony about those visits.
On screen, the PoV spiraled in on a very handsome stallion wearing the uniform of the Royal Guard. Twilight must have imposed on her brother to provide a singer from the Guard choir. He was handsome and clean cut, with perfect teeth, and Celestia’s left ear began to twitch the moment he began to sing.
‘The earth is having trouble
What a sad, sad story
The barrier will encroach over
All of its former glory.’
There was something familiar about this music, but she couldn’t quite put a hoof on it. Behind her smile, she ground her teeth. How frustrating! she thought.
‘Where oh where to go?
Thaumic poisoning just blows.
We looked around and then we found
Now we're Equestria bound.’
A few more ponies in Royal Guard uniforms joined the first one. And that triggered a memory. That musical about the... No! She couldn’t have! thought Celestia. Sweat broke out on her brow.
‘Springtime for Newfoals in Equestria...'
Oh by the short hairs of my own beard, she has! The Princess of the Day hid her face in her forehooves.
'...Pony land is happy and gay
At a quadrupedal pace
Here comes the winter wrap-up race.’
Morbid fascination overtook her and she peeked out between her fetlocks. The Guardponies had begun to march in order, in time to the music. She watched, frozen in horror as the grizzly spectacle unfolded.
‘Springtime for Newfoals in Equestria
Winter for Earth nations that are left,
Springtime for Newfoals in Equestria
Humans drink the potion and join the dance.’
One of Luna’s Thestral Guard flew in from stage right, landed next to the lead singer and belted out a solo. Celestia heard Luna’s delighted squee.
‘I was born in Düsseldorf
And that is why they call me Rolf
Just convert and be a smarty
and Pinkie Pie will hold a party.’
Pinkie Pie appeared onscreen with her infamous party cannon. It was pointed straight at the camera as she pulled the cord. A burst of colored special effects hid the scene from view for a moment. When it cleared up there were hundreds of ponies from all three tribes marching in formation.
‘Springtime for Newfoals in Equestria
The Canter is the new step today
Pegasi in the skies again
Make sure you'll get just enough rain.’
A flight of Pegasi were tracked as they flew by. It was the Wonderbolts, again.
‘Springtime for Newfoals in Equestria
Conversion bureaus have potion just for you!’
A bunch of ponies in the middle held up placards. Together they made a picture of an Erlenmeyer flask containing sparkling purple goo. The placards fell away, revealing what looked like humans in business suits. But how? Celestia’s eyes almost popped out of her head. Those are Diamond Dogs! With faces shaved and wearing makeup to look like humans! Oh, Twilight, how could you? she wailed silently.
‘Springtime for Newfoals in Equestria
Means that soon we'll be going
We've all got to be going
You know that we'll be going pony too!’
With a final blast of pyrotechnics from Pinkie’s party cannon, all the diamond dogs disappeared and were replaced by ponies, dancing and prancing to the closing bars of the music. The screen faded to black.
Luna was standing on her throne, clopping hooves and shouting. “Bravo! Bravo! What a thoroughly inspiring mummery! Never in all my millennia have I been so moved! Thou art a genius of the highest order, Twilight Sparkle. One had never understood our sister’s fascination with thou until this...” she paused, eyes wide as a white hoof roughly pushed her back into a sitting position on her throne.
Twilight looked up at the sisters, her face a fine example of why one shouldn’t try to express more than one emotion at a time. “So, your majesties, do I pass?”
“Twilight Sparkle! Why did you choose that song?” Celestia fairly shouted. The Element bearers dove for whatever scant cover the hotel room provided.
Her student’s expression cleared up and became a sly smile. “Oh, because I was able to pick up the rights to it for a song.”
The corners of her mouth and her ears drooped when nopony in the room laughed at the joke. “I mean, I was able to use it without having to pay royalties The composer was a funny old man, and he said he was very happy if I used it. Come to think of it, he laughed a lot. He called himself 'yoghurt' and when he saw me levitating stuff he said I was using the 'schwartz', whatever that is. It was all a teensy bit strange. Why do you ask Princess?” One of Twilight’s ears came back up halfway.
“Because, Twilight Sparkle, I get enough hate mail as it is!" Celestia stamped a hoof. A loud crack issued from the box spring. "Do you have any idea what it’s like dealing with Earth governments and citizens of democracies when you’re an absolute, immortal ruler of a country of happy ponies?” Celestia was breathing hard. Twilight’s face has resumed that I-can’t-decide-which-emotion-to-project-so-I’ll-show-them-all look again.
Luna was looking at her as if Celestia was a complete stranger. “She does not, yet, sister. But aren’t we planning next year to elev...” A white hoof was suddenly blocking the muzzle of the Princess of the Night.
Celestia seemed to have suddenly calmed down. “No need to spoil the surprise, sister.” She resumed her throne with dignity.
“Twilight. One cannot fault you for your enthusiasm. You get an A for effort.” Twilight’s stance melted in relief. “However, please have that film destroyed as well as all copies of it, and all of its source materials, and the records of the source materials. Oh, and all the checklists you made while producing this advert including your checklist of checklists, are to be burned and the ashes scattered in the sea.”
The room’s atmosphere had become somewhat awkward. It was time to restore some normalcy and get the proceedings going again. No matter what else comes, it can’t be worse than this, thought Celestia. And I hope I didn’t just jinx myself. She swallowed and smiled pleasantly for her little ponies.
