Fit To Derp

by RarityEQM

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Pipsqueak, Rarity, Fluttershy, Derpy Hooves, Pinkie Pie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1307

It'll soon be Nightmare Night, and Rarity has her hooves full with her first client.

It'll soon be Nightmare Night and Rarity has her hooves full with her first client.

Published 2013-06-10 21:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-06-10 21:20:01 UTC

Fit to Derp

The air was clean and crisp, fresh with just a hint of a sugary waft to it- as per most days in Ponyvillie. It was one of the last nice days before the winter celebration hit; the sort of day you'd have to be crazy to stay inside...crazy or Rarity. With Nightmare Night fast approaching, she was the number one costume designer in town, and with orders stacked as high as she was tall, it showed.

With a modest sigh towards the elephantine stack of work orders, Rarity buckled herself down and closed her eyes, drawing her glasses over her nose, and her measuring tape over her shoulders. It. Was. On!!

With a moderate show of telekinetic aptitude, the designer unicorn effortlessly plucked the first order from the stack and let her eyes flicker over the concept.

Order Date: IT AM TODAY
Customer: ME
Species: MAIL PONY
Costume Concept:
AM WANT BE SCARY! NOT TO SCARY! AM WANT CANDY! NOT TO MANY CANDY, WANT FLY! MAYBE PILLOW? MAYBE TREE? MAYBE LARGE HADRON COLLIDER? NOT SURE! WILL THINK!
Appointment time: YES!

Rarity's eyes narrowed over the paper quietly and she drove a hushed groan from her lips. A joke. Well of course it was a joke- it had to be a joke. No Pony would want to go as a tree! How gaudy, and how was she supposed to even make th-The door chimed with an ensuing costumer snapping Rarity from her thoughts.

"Coming! Welcome to Carousel Boutique, where everything is chic, unique and magnifique!" Rarity boasted, and paused when she caught sight of the other pony in the room. Derpy Hooves- mail carrier (Some how) and all around disaster waiting to happen. Everything clicked into place.

"Erm...Hello, Derpy. Have you come to get a costume for Nightmare Night?" Rarity asked tentatively, hoping against the threads of her very existence that the answer was no. Maybe this was just some sort of mistake. Maybe she finally decided to deliver the copy of SENSUAL STALLIONS she'd been waiting on for months. Maybe she was just at the wrong house. Again.

"AM HERE! AM WANT COSTUME! AM DECIDED! AM FURNACE! " The grey mare beamed proudly. Rarity stared.

"You're...you're here for a costume? And you want that costume- to be a furnace." Rarity sputtered in disbelief. Derpy quickly nodded her head, a strong rattling sound echoing about the room.

"AM FURNACE! WINTER COMING! BRRRR! WANT HOT!" Derpy explained. Made sense. That was logical.

Rarity stared. Well, there was no outfit that she couldn't create...that was for sure- this was just going to be...tricky.

"Ooooookay. A furnace. You want to be...a furnace. Ok. Ok we can do that...lets just...take some measurements."Rarity murmured sheepishly, pulling her measuring tape taut to press it against the pegasus' hip.

"Am take measurement?" Derpy asked in a puzzled tone. Rarity nodded her head, images of furnaces already bounding about her skull.

"Just the standard. Head. Wings. Tail. Shoe size. Darling, we are going to turn you into a fantastic Furnace!" Rarity said, standing up, eyes suddenly twinkling with a brilliant idea. Derpy, however, looked horrified.

"Take tail?! Take wings?! TAKE HEAD?! NO!! NOOOOOOOO!" The confused pony squealed, and stumbled back, away from Rarity and into her racks of mannequins, toppling over various dresses and outfits she'd had on display.

Rarity shook her head immediately, trying to calm the panicking pony down, squealing in dismay as her Boutique was slowly torn to shambles.

"N, No no no! Dear, no! I'm not going to take your wings, I just need to take down the size of them!" Rarity pleaded. Derpy lifted off the ground, shrieking in horror.

"NO TAKE DOWN WINGS! WINGS FOR UP, NO DOWN! WINGS FOR UP!" She hollered, trying to fly up and through the roof, slamming into Rarity's desk and spilling pins and needles all over the floor.

"Derpy, calm DOAARRGGHHH!!" Rarity squealed, her right hoof had stepped upon an upturned pin, and her eyes now watered with regret. She bounced about on one leg, flailing her arms wildly, while pain burst through her body in white hot ripples. The door chime jingled.

"Hello Ma'am! Pipsqueak the pirate 'ere and I'm 'opin' I can get a sword for my very first nightma-" Said a tiny little colt that started to wander in.

"ARRGGHH!!!" Screamed Rarity, having stepped on multiple pins by now due to her gratuitous hoppery.

"ARRGGHH!!" Screamed Pipsqueak in complete and utter terror.

"RUN! FOR ALL THAT IS DERP, RUN!!" Squealed Derpy, trying to fly for the exit. She slammed into the stairs and disappeared into Rarity's bedroom. She tumbled back into the room moments later, wrapped helplessly in bedsheets- looking quite like a mummy.

The door chimed.

"Rarity! Rarity look! I did my own costume! I'mma Chicken! B'Gaw-OHMICELSETIA!" Pinkie Pie screamed as she poked her head into the Boutique. Rarity was hopping around screaming, Pipsqueak was sobbing in the corner, eatting his own tail, and there was a terrifying, flying mummy in the kitchen, a butcher knife in it's arms.

"AM CUT FREE! AM HAVE KNIFE! GINSU!! ONLY 49.99! SLICE AND DICE! PHONE OR CREDIT CARD! AM NO TAKE DISCOVER!" The sheets shrieked wildly, waving the knife about. Pinkie, however, was quick to act, grasping Pipsqueak and tearing out the front door and around the side of the Boutique, gasping and panting wildly.

"Oh! Hello Pinkie. That is a lovely costume. " A gentle, hushed voice choked out the silence. Fluttershy gently hovered towards the crying child and the trembling chicken and tilted her head.

"What's wrong? Are you ok?" The yellow pony inquired. Pinkie quickly shook her head.

"Fluttershy! There's a mummy with a knife and it got Rarity!!" The paniked chicken squawked. Fluttershy raised an eyebrow.

"A mummy? Oh, Pinkie, don't be silly, there aren't any such-" The door to the Boutique burst open.

"OPERATORS AM STANDING BY! AM GET KNIFE! AM GET TWO KNIFE FREE! KNIFE GOOD FOR CUT! CUT CUT CUT!!" Screamed the mummy. Slowly, Fluttershy nodded her head, turned around went home and locked the door. Pinkie glanced at Pipsqueak, whom buried his head into her feathery bosom and sobbed quietly. The mummy crept close, waving the knife around. This was it- this was the end.

And with that, Derpy tripped over her own hooves- tearing the bedsheets away from her, the knife clattering to the ground and the poor messenger pony bounced and tumbled into a nearby stall of candy (Which was immediately attacked by Pinkie) Slowly, she climbed to her hoofs, discovering brown paper bags attached to each leg and one that had toppled onto her head.

"AM...AM....AM BEAUTIFUL!" Derpy sobbed in happiness, slowly wandering off to join the festivities of of preparing for Nightmare Night, leaving Pip and Pinkie looking confused but relieved.

"Ohmigawsh! Rarity!" Pinkie squeaked in alarm, rushing back to the boutique to check on her friend. To her surprise, Rarity was not mangled by the wicked mummy, or lying in a pool of her own fluids. She did, however, look very very cross, sitting tenderly on her haunches while she tried to clean up the mess left by her first client of the day.

"R, Rari- "Pinkie pie began, but was immediately greeted with a vengeful snarl from the designer pony.

"WE, ARE, CLOSED! I -HATE- Nightmare Night!" She barked. All Pinkie Pie could do was shrug really- some ponies just couldn't get into the spirit.

Author's Note

I felt like being goofy. :)
This story is written after my friend 'DerpyEQM's' version of the character, as a gift on Equestria Muck. (Before the show depicted her as a talking character. This has since been changed to reflect her character after episode 100)
I thought it was funny enough to post, and certainly didn't mean for any offense- so enjoy if you can. <3