Dear Friend,

by Estee

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Zecora, Trixie, Spike, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis
Length: 1501

Some scrolls just aren't worth unrolling.

Some scrolls just aren't worth unrolling.

(Part of the Triptych Continuum, which has its own TVTropes page and FIMFiction group. New members and trope edits welcome.)

Now with author Patreon, SubscribeStar, and Ko-Fi pages.

Published 2013-06-10 23:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-06-10 23:10:02 UTC

Touch Wax Seal To Open

Dear Friend,

Cider Sales Organization Recruiting Worldwide!

Commission of -5.00% on all sales arranged within our new territory -- the territory you will acquire for us!

Are you a unicorn? Of course you are! Do you have the power to operate magitech? Of course you do! That's why we want you to head up our latest branch of Flim-Flam Unlimited! For a mere rental fee of our equipment amounting to 20% of your total net worth per week, we will allow you to travel Equestria's apple orchards (but not Apple orchards) and talk the locals into letting you use our machine to make cider! And you get -50.0% commission! What could possibly go wrong?!?

It's a life in the open air! It's a life of making ponies happy! It's a life on the move, and moving quickly too! And it's a life where you get -500% commission on all sales! We just take the rest!

Features included are:

Letting you pretend to have any real company ownership.

Timely escapes from all locales.

Your very own hat and vest so you can claim to be one of us when the authorities arrive to congratulate you on your success!

To prove your interest, please provide us with the following

Full name:

Magical Prowess Rating (Celestia Meter (Adjusted)):

Location:

Nearest Dragon:

Total Net Worth (bits, land, liquidatable assets, titles (optional) and loans you may be able to secure):

Best Possible Land Speed:

Are you ready to step into tomorrow? Can you seize an opportunity where others can't? Don't you want to make -5000% commission? Of course you do! So contact us today and begin your exciting new life in our cider sales organization! It's fun! It's profitable for us! And it's the last career you'll ever have!

Seriously. It will be.

Waiting to hear from our newest and best friend in Equestria,

Flim and Flam Fields

Dear Friend,

Congratulations! You have been considered for Alicorn status! To upgrade from your current race (unicorn/earth pony/pegasus/delete whichever two are not appropriate), all you need to do is go through our simple five-step program!

Acquire the Elements Of Harmony.

Give them to us so that we may attune ourselves to them.

Stand in the middle of our circle.

...

Alicorn!

This offer has an expiration date, so act now! All you need to do in order to be on the way to earning your wings (if you don't already have them) is get the Elements to us within the next two moons! We're waiting for you on the southern border. And so is your horn (if you don't already have that). What are you waiting for? Get started!

All Of Other Ponies' Love,

Queen Chrysalis.

P.S. If you are already an alicorn and have received this scroll by mistake, please send it back marked Ignored so we will know to take you off our scrolling list. Thank you.

Dear Friend,

Please forgive me if this scroll comes to you as a surprised, since we have not bumped hooves before. I have a proponysal: this however is not mandatory nor will i compel you in any way to honor against your iron will.

I am 252 moons old, son to late President For Shadow Life Sombra, the former glorious and beloved leader of the Crystal Empire. The recent dispute between our empire and the tyranny of the maniacal Preencess Celestia has cruised lots of damages to so many innocent ponies in our homeland.

My father was assassinated by the knownownown insane killer unicorn, Twilight Sparkle, when the military force called the Element-Bearers invaded our land with the intentstions of turning it into a slave state to the Preencess. She burst in uporny my innocent father while he slept bumbly at his people's feet and short him with magic and a thrown alicorned and he later died in our horsepital.

Before his murder was completed, he called our crystal secreteriat who accomponied him to the horsepital and told her he had a sum of two hundred thousand Crystakes (TWENTY MILLION EQUESTRIAN BITS) crept in a security compony found in the mysterious land of Ponyvillain.

He also said the security compony does not knowow the contents of the Strafe Boxed. He declared it as family value proponyerties and used my name to deposit the money as his ~~first second only~~ beloved sun for next of keen and that I should seek a foreign partner in a country of my choice where I will transfer this money to and use it to raise an army to take my homeland back from the rule of the evil Preencess. She is planning to force our ponies into the combat dearth arenas she calls the Equestria Games. This will kill us fall. I do not have much time.

I am just 252 moons old and can barely make my eyes glow red. I don't knowow what to due. So I am reaching out my hoof to you in the hopes that you will help me transfer these funds so the money can be used to creep my people strafe. This is because I have suffered alotalot of personal and ponylitical stuff due to the actions of the insane killer unicorn Twilight Sparkle. The dearth of my father brought sorry to my life and turned my ponies crazy and made them laugh in the streets. Dearest Friend, I am in a sincere desire of your correction, highly retraded.

Now permit me to ask these few questions.

Can you honestly help the son of the beloved glorious President For Shadow Life Sombra?

Are you a pony who can be conpletely trusted?

Would you help me avenger my father's dearth and protect us all from the Preencess and her mad assassin?

What percentage of the total bits will be good for you once the money is in your account?

Please, consider this and get back to me as soon as ponyssibles.

Yours Sinisterly,

Sucker Bet

Dear Friend,

We noticed that you recently purchased Unraveling Star Swirl's Secrets For Dummies. Here are some other books we thought you might be interested in.

Alicorn Amulets And The Ponies Who Are Stupid Enough To Use Them

I've Just Been Shown Up By A Traveling Road Show: What Now? Common Questions From Celestia's Classics

Stronger Magic Fields On Six Simple Exercises A Day

Raise Your Own Sun: Self Esteem And The Unicorn Introvert

Secrets Of Mane Transfiguration (Lunar Press, Updated Edition)

Eats, Bucks, And Leaves: Punctuation Errors Which Ruin Spells

Why Am I Pinkie Pie?

Free Super-Saver Shipping may not be available to your dragon. Please inquire ahead.

Dear Friend,

Trixie Lulamoon sent you a Sort Of Not My Enemy Any More At Least For The Moment So Don't Get Cocky Request on Facehoof!

Dear Friend,

Does your horn go limp? Do you try to channel your field and just find your horn flopping around? Are you embarrassed to hook up with other ponies and show them even the most minor spellwork because you're afraid you'll have limp horn issues at any moment? Well, now there's a cure for Limp Horn Syndrome. Previously available only in the Everfree Forest and now heading directly to you because of our special offer!

Has your horn never gone limp? Do you feel you don't and never will need our miracle cure? It can happen to the best of ponies. It can happen to YOU. Fortunately, we also sell a special LHS detection kit! Simply run our special blue flowers all over your face and then go to sleep. If you wake up and your horn isn't limp, you're one of the lucky ones! But if it has -- then you have Latent Horn Limposity, and our medicine has revealed it. Does that scare you? Need the cure? Just see above!

For the complete kit -- tester and cure -- send 500 bits (cash only) to:

Scary Hut Out In The Woods

Resident Zebra Who Is Totally Not Dictating This And Getting Somepony Else To Take Out The Rhymes

Everfree Forest

Side effects from testing phase include but are not limited to voice change, tongue swelling, wild coat and mane growth, wing attachment inversion, and shrinkage of entire body. No refunds.

Dear Friend,

This message is from your dragon scroll-mail administrator service. Your dragon scroll-mail account has been compromised. We will not be able to allow scrolls to pass through your dragon's wussy little burps again until you send us all the gems to be used for fueling transit flame so that we may inspect them in our mouths and tell what caused your compromise error. If you cannot revalidate your dragon, you will never receive a scroll again. Please do cooperate with us so that we may use your gems to better serve you and ourselves.

Thank you.

Garble, Scroll-Mail King!

And Twilight never let Spike eat griffon-made canned lunch meat again.