Felanthroid

by Zytharros

Rating: teen
Tags: Opalescence, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Tragedy, Human
Length: 12636

Llamas, house cats, insane dogs and humans. Just another day in the life of an Opalescent human.

So, yeah. I woke up as Opalescense this morning, and my day sucked. On top of losing my balls, my wife and kid don't recognize me, one of our barn cats has the hots for me, the dogs have it in for me, the llama mafia are trying to kill me, and the ferret seems to want me for lunch. Luckily I have a friend in the horse.

Sometimes.

Just read it. On second thought, don't. It's humiliating enough as it is...

Inspired by the PonyEarth universe.

Contains self-insertion.

Published 2013-06-13 20:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-24 17:09:53 UTC

The Man-Cat in a Barn

Thunder sounded outside my home, a steel pig barn converted to house horses. I huddled deeper into my little hole in between the hay bales. It was a cold fall night. The wind battered the shelter with all the fury of a thousand bricks, yet with the effectiveness of a dead duck hitting a trampoline with the intent of breaking through the mesh. The rain sounded a loud cacophony over my thoughts, the steel snare drum tashing away under the fastest drumsticks in the world. I shivered, my fur wet as a result of a very recent attempt on my life.

I didn't even know what to think. This transformation had cost me so much and left me feeling so vulnerable. I was so small, so weak. All I could do was run.

I missed my wife. I missed my kid. I missed having opposable thumbs. I wanted, longed, desired, yes, even lusted for my old life. Witha primal growl I hissed and screamed. I thrashed about in my tiny form. I wanted to cook again. I wanted a hug. I whirled and slashed with my claws. I wanted my balls back. I wanted, wanted, wanted...

A few dozen whirls of the claws later and a bale of hay nearly collapsed inward atop of me. I had sliced through the straw restraints that had bound it together, and one bale had not been pinned down by another on top of it. This allowed one side to begin a fall of possible assassination. I cocked my ears back and bolted just in time to avoid it. I leapt up to the rafters and shivered. One hundred pounds of grass almost killed me.

One hundred pounds.

One hundred...

"Frellin'..."

I used to outweigh these bales over two-and-a-half-to-one. At this point, I barely measured one-tenth their weight. Well, if Opalescence was a Maine Coon, a particularly large, long-haired breed of house cat, I could say about fifteen percent, considering I once owned a sixteen-pound kitty of the variety. You see, I was once human. I was relatively successful in life. I was happy. Had a loving family, a good job, a great direction, and some amazing hobbies and plans. Everything was finally going my way after three years of trials and angst.

Then...

Well, let me start from the top.

The Man-Cat Loses His Balls

I woke up to the sound of my alarm that morning. As usual, it rang bright and early at ten to five, just before the sun began to illuminate the sky in a brilliant sea-blue hue. On cue, I reached up over the alarm and swatted downward. Two odd things happened at that time: first, the hand hit pillow; second, my face was brushed with an arm of fur.

Damn clock, I thought. I brought a hand to my face and brushed a cat away. "Go away, Snarles."

Instantly, sharp strikes of pain wrought their damning path across my face. I woke instantly to our forest green bedroom with a snarl. This snapped my wife awake, and immediately she flipped over. Upon locking eyes with me, she froze.

"Stupid cat scratched me!" I said.

I saw the look of panic on her face. How did she get so tall?

"Uh, Rosebud?" I asked.

I saw anger. Sadness. Surprise.

"Rose?"

Then, a hand sent me careening off the bed and into the clothes with a painful yelp.

"Get away! Where did you come from? Where's Zytharros?"

"Rosebud! It's me! Don't you recogni-AIE!"

I leapt away from a second swing. In an attempt to escape, I naturally went for a two-legged run and fell flat on my face. I didn't have time to think about the pain, and tried scrambling to my feet again, with the same result. I understood innately, but without any time to truly register what led me to this deduction, that I was now some kind of four-legged creature. New knowledge in hand, er, paw as it were, I bolted past a few doors down a long corridor for the living room as my wife charged after me as fast as she could. I ran into the two-storey cat condo at the far corner of the house, located by the couch across from the TV, and came face-to-face with our butch gray-and-white cat Snarles.

"Get the fuck away from me, you strange mouse-hole!" she screeched.

I howled in panic as I was once again nearly struck with a clawed paw. I deftly dodged a kick as I passed between my wife's legs and noted the front door was open at the same time. I charged for it and broke out into the cold summer morning, leaving my home and family behind. I stopped at the top of the ramp on the deck as Rosebud closed the door behind me and gave me a dark scowl.

"Rosebud, it's me!" I cried. "It's Zytharros!"

I began pawing at the wooden door in desperation, but there was no answer. I tried for five minutes, doing everything I could, to get her attention, everything from crying as loud as I could to running into the door. I even tried acrobatically opening the door from the top of the bannister lining the deck, a mis-targeted wayward leap into a potted plant telling me 'fat chance, bozo' instantly. A few seconds of silence later, there were only tears, both mine and hers, the tears of two lovers torn apart by circumstances beyond our control. My ears flattened as I realized what was going through her mind.

She had always possesed a fear of being alone and abandoned. Although I was right there, I could not console her and tell her I was alright. She would not pay attention to a cat-perso-

My thought process froze as I came upon my reflection in the storm door's glass. I examined myself - big, fluffy body, eyes that looked like a sarcastic witch would be at home, a purple bow, and a jewel encrusted collar.

I gasped as I whirled around and noticed a distinct lack of gear. I panicked. I wasn't prepared for this. I wasn't interested. I didn't want to be anything but human. Here I was, though, in the body of a lush-furred feline. Not just a feline, but Rarity's prize cat.

I had become Opalescence.

Just as I became stunned from that revelation, among a few others that had crept into my mind for the briefest of seconds, a deep purr emerged from behind me. As I turned around a gray tabby of equal size to myself approached me. His form was strong. His poise was perfect. His cathood was ready. He was simply named Gray. And he was a playstud.

"Well hi there, pussymoney."

...Oh, fuck me...

The Man-Cat and the Horny Stud

...Wait! No, idiot! Not that way!!

I shook my head and glared at Gray as he attempted to hit on me further. Being that he was one of two cats on a hobby farm in a small town outside Abbotsford, BC, Canada, and that both those cats were male, I understood that I in my current form was an anomaly. I was the first female cat on the farm in months.

That didn't mean I was automatically open for business!

He curled his tail under my chin as he continued seducing me. I glared fiercely at him and began growling. All I could see was cat dick now. It was butt-ugly. I wanted none of it. None of his flattery. None of his Pepe le Peu-ness. None of his felinity. So, as soon as he turned his back once again, following a rather disturbing ball-rub to my arm and a clear view of his assets again... what's with guys and our balls?... I tried to run away. Anywhere but there. I flashed down the stairs and to my left, towards a small L-shaped orchard that wrapped its way around my house. I skimmed over the grass and betweeen the trees, figure-eighting a few times in a desperate attempt to lose him and diving in and out of the long grass along the edge of my lengthy gray abode. I blasted around the other side and up the driveway.

Ow ow ow ow ow! Damn gravel!

The loose rocks slipped every which way as I ran atop them, hoping to hide somewhere in the chaos that was our barn. A second set of rapid steps told me Gray was right behind me.

Pro'lly eyeing my ass like a prude... I thought, bitter elements clearly present.

"Come with me to the other side of the Stream!" he shouted, making reference to the ditch that wound its way between the barn and our neighbours' land. "We will join as one and make beautiful sunsets together!"

Until you find some new tail, I thought again. I had enough experience with cats to learn monogamous relationships were about as real to them as their crap was appetizing to eat. I had no desire to commit bestiality with one.

I knew he had more intimate knowledge of the barn's many nooks and crannies than I did, but I still gathered that I could hide somewhere in the mess.

Or maybe lose him in the brambles.

A couple large blackberry growths lined the extended driveway, and one even larger one wormed its way halway around the large metal barn. I did something with my cat form I never would have done otherwise and slipped underneath a spiny branch, diving into the thicket. I wormed my way randomly around the sharp points and finally blasted out the other side. I made for the other much larger set of brambles on the other side of the barn and entered just as I heard Gray explode out of the other one.

"You can't hide forever, mademoiselle... I will find you, and I will make babies with you."

I gagged as I caught sight of him. He was sniffing the air, patiently waiting for the winds to carry my scent towards him. I flattened my ears and turned tail, again worming my way deeper into the second thicket, hoping to avoid the possibility of detection. I carefully watched for the giant pit around the back of the barn, used to empty out pig crap when it was a pork grow op, and readily spotted it in amongst the bushes. I pushed forward, avoiding the pit and winding my way through the foliage, taking extra care not to get hung up on the vines.

Five minutes later, I poked my nose out of the berries and surveyed the landscape. The open fields behind me were filled with coyotes and slashed up with miles of ditch, so there was no chance of going that way except via the main roadway. The food source close by was in the llama hutch, which doubled as a garage. There were a few holes I could get into if I bypassed the llamas, and the ultimate food treasure trove in a plastic bin inside the hutch. The barn next to me would make a fine sleeping place, especially the heated shop... if I didn't mind sharing the territory with a ferret known to eat cats and attack unfamiliar humans. I looked up at an open window to the barn in the brambles and knew that emptied into a locked storage room, so I could use that if push came to shove, maybe make a bed out of a box or three and some of the foam padding or spare cushions in the neighbouring locked storage room and a light blanket from a sweater if extra warmth was needed.

Actually, the horse corrals would make for a fine room as well if they didn't mind...

I had a lot of places to lay my head and think. But my gut began talking to me, and I soon realized I had yet to scrounge up some food.

What I wouldn't give for a couple pieces of peanut butter chocolate toast... but chocolate is toxic to cats. Damn. Well, cat food for now, until I can find a slab of meat.

So, with my next task assigned and a quick scan of my surroundings complete to check for any unwanted dicks or dickheads, I made for the llama paddock and food.

The Man-Cat and the Damned Knot from Hell

As I slinked my way through the thick foliage between a horse corral and an unused paddock, a gray shape caught my eye. It was the cat from before. The way he walked, he was totally full of himself today. I growled and let out a small hiss. I moved along the grass again, nearing my house. I froze when the storm door of the trailer slammed and an ever familiar wheelchair flew down the ramp connecting the deck to the earth below.

I flattened my ears and turned away. I didn't want to see her. Not yet.

I hissed and fought back the tears as I slinked forward, passing through thinning foliage, over hard gravel again - damned shoeless paws - around a protruding fence and into the soft grass of the orchard. I paused for a sniff of the lone fig in the orchard, a tree I had carefully selected and planted myself. I gave it a grin and tried moving along.

Gaah!

Not one step later, I felt a knot somewhere in my fur. I groaned and leaned in to try preening my fur for the first time. First, I stuck my tongue out and hesitated. I was about to willingly lick up hair! Yuck! I flinched back, determined not to touch tongue to fur. Yet when I tried moving again, I felt the same uncomfortable pull. I sighed. I was not getting out of this.

So, I plopped my plot down. I swallowed and after a couple flinches, took a slow, long, agonizing lick, collecting everything from dirt to grass to fur to water up into my mouth. I let the conglomeration hang there on my tongue as I fought the urge to dry heave. I could not have been more disgusted.

I went to wipe my tongue with a paw to avoid swallowing the mess. As soon as paw hit tongue, though, I heaved. I had tromped through a pile of llama feces behind the barn, in a manure pile left for fertilizer. Some of it had gotten wedged between the pinches of my paw-fingers, and now resided on my tongue.

I spat. I hissed. I heaved. I coughed. I wanted the vile taste off my tongue. I tried licking dirt. I walked back to the rocks through my discomfort and rolled a chalky pebble in my mouth. I sucked on a leaf from an apple tree nearby. Nothing worked. So, after trying to spit out what I could, which just spread the taste over the rest of the orifice, I resumed work on my fur. That knot was not going to best me now, especially after that fury-inducing battle with llama pellets. I kneaded that knot, slowly working the hairs into a straight line, then complete cleaning it with a few licks. It took me nearly half an hour to clear the knot from my back as I learned my fur and its patterns and how comfortable having it different ways was.

Finally, I felt comfortable.

I shook myself off and smirked. Finally...

After that was taken care of, I bolted for the food dish. I was ravenous, and I was looking forward to a good breakfast after my morning of hell. I was sure my day had gotten as bad as it could get.

Then I met the Llama Mafia.

And my day got a lot worse.

The Man-Cat and the Llama Thugs

I made my way to the fence separating the orchard from the llama paddock. I leapt up onto the fence.

"Funny lookin'."

I leapt down from the fence.

"Prissy pussy."

"What a cockhound."

I stopped and felt the earth mush under my feet. Agh... more llama crap. I shook it off.

"Who is she? Cat's got some serious balls bein' on our turf."

"It don't matter. Da damn sunmabitch's gonna git it. Shine! Git'n'r way!"

"Yes bawss..."

In my absentmindedness, I walked headlong into a tower made of black fibre. I stumbled backward, rubbing my head where I had walked right into a pole.

"Geez sunshine and picklesticks!" I exclaimed. "Where do you think you're-"

I froze and followed that black leg up, up, up to a pair of dark eyes, one gazing at the weeds to my right, the other somewhere in the sky to my left. They were filled with the intelligence of a hockey puck. I was staring at a jet-black cameloid, about six feet at the raised head, four at the shoulder, and ears trained on me. I cleared my throat.

"Ma'am, I haven't eaten all morning. I don't mean to cause any offence, but my food dish is that way. If you'll let me pass, I'll be out of your hair in no time."

She stared blankly, unmoving.

I looked back up at her, frowning. I tried stepping to the right. She followed my step. My frown deepened into a scowl, and I stepped twice to the left. The llama followed. I tried a quick three-step-two-step-one-step-dash deke. It only resulted with my face planting into the same leg I had run into earlier.

"Bloody money farts, llama!" I screamed. "Get the halo out of my way!"

"Nerp."

I facepawed and groaned. I tried to go for a leap when I felt a cloven hoof-claw stomp down on my tail. A catlike howl erupted from my lungs as my spine felt as if it was going to be torn from my neck. I crashed to the earth with an unceremonious thud and groaned again, this time in pain.

"Kitty kitty don't go nowhere. Kitty kitty stay until Bossllama arrive. Bossllama reward Shine and 'Legro-'legro. We captures kitty kitty. Yes yes yes."

I looked up. There, with a goofy and implacable smile, stood a llama whose blotchy coat ranged from creamy white to ash gray. He cackled again.

"Little kitty kitty tells us name for Bossman. Yes, yes, little kitty kitty does."

I shot him a flat look and spat, "There's a gnat on your ear."

"KEEEEEEYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" 'Legro-legro shrieked before disappearing into the field. "GET THIS PELLET-LICKING BUGGY-BUG OFFA 'LEGRO-LEGRO'S BEAUTIFUL APPENDAGE!" The llama began beating his head into the wall. The gnat had long since flown off. 'BAD BAD GNAT GNAT MUST DIE UNTO DEATH AND TAXES! DEATH AND TAXXXXXEEEEESSSSSZZZZZ!!"

Finally, with a mighty bang, the llama finally knocked himself cold.

I simply stood, ramrod still and wide-eyed at the shock of the insanity that had just transpired.

"Yeah, he does that."

I jumped and whirled around I soon came face-to-shin with sixteen legs. Four were shaded nearly blue-gray and white. Four wrre red to white. The third four were black and white. The last four were brown. I flung my head skyward to meet their gazes, realizing I now had absolutely no way out. I was surrounded, four llamas on one side, one on the other, and forty cloven-hooved claws between them.

I pissed myself.

"Uh... h-hey... ah..." I'm boned.

The Man-Cat Meets the Mafia

I shivered under her gaze. The largest of all the llamas was the gray-blue one. Emily, we called her. She had a commanding air about her, and a straight-edge stare that, were it a weapon, could easily bisect a cat four times without a twitch of effort. She was one of the second three, a group of llamas we picked up from a kindly retired couple out East. The other two were her baby, the onyx and white mother mimic Ebony, and the red and white skittish energy ball named Rita. They stood, front to back, in that order.

Shine and Allegro, who apparently liked to call himself "Legro-Legro", were a part of the original six we had bought. Half of that party had met tragic ends, whether by infighting or illness, so only three were left. The last llama of this original group was a brown llama named Sunny. He was farthest to the back of the pack, standing just outside in the cloudy day.

"So, whadda ya doin' on our turf?" Emily asked.

I looked back at the door. My stomach let loose a frightful and ravenous growl. "I just want some food."

Emily frowned and whined. "Likely story. Tell us who y'are and whatcha doin'."

I gulped. "I'm Zytharros and I tell you the truth: I only want to pass into that little hole to eat something."

"Zytharros," Ebony stated flatly.

I nodded.

"And all you want is food."

Another nod. A new voice joined in.

"Did you not think to go around?"

All the llamas parted ways as the brown one at the back stepped forward. Sunny glared at me.

"There is a route outside of our territory," he stated. "I had hoped you would have asked someone before you got here what the lay of the land was. I guess not. Tell ya what. I'll letcha go with this warning."

He got down low and bunted me up against Shine's legs. "If you cross that fence again..."

He raised a cloven claw hoof to his neck and slowly dragged it across his throat. "Ca pie skee?"

I swallowed and nodded.

"Good. Toss him over the fence."

Shine bent over and grabbed me

"W-wait..."

All the llamas turned to look at cowardly Rita. The llama who looked like a living Canadian flag gulped and tried to talk. She had to gasp and clear her throat first.

"Isn't Zytharros... th-the one who... who cleans our barn?"

Emily glared at me. For several seconds, her eye-piercing glare, steadily joined by her compatriots', burned ten different holes into my soul. My ears flattened.I nearly wet myself. What were they going to do?

A snort. The entire barn lit up in laughter.

Ebony cackled, "It is! It is the Pelletpicker!"

"He's been turned into a cat!" Rita declared.

Emily's smile turned dark. "Looks like the 'high and mighty human' has been tossed into the world of animals. How about we throw a shovel at your head?"

Blanket fucking turd stomping...

Rita's laughter picked up, but not in the humorous ha ha way. It was more like an I'm going to kill you and eat your guts as a side dish ha ha. I was deeply disturbed by the affair. The look she gave me, pushing aside her friends and stepping forward almost sent me to an early litterbox.

"Oh stuff it, you overgrown rug."

Rita reeled back. I was shocked. Did I just say that?

"Yeah, that's right. And as for the rest of you, I wouldn't want you to get hurt. After all, I've put up with enough of your rat droppings to last me the rest of my life."

I began sweating. That was NOT me!

"After all, Ms. Fabulous would not like to get her coat dirty."

... Opal?

The Man and the Cat

Something that smelt like smoked salmon passed before my thought stream. I am never letting that purple Witch near my collar again.

Opal?

The salmon became burned. I swear, the next time I see that purple mouse hole, I will tear her to ribbons.

Opal.

I will take my claws and stab them into that stupid cutie mark and rip it clean off her-

OPAL!

I felt the internal char searing into my mind. WHAT!? I... AM... MONOLOGUING... HERE!

I sighed. Opal, you are not alone in your mind.

A loud rowr erupted from our body, drowning out any thoughts she was sharing. In between spins and flails, barbed with razor sharp claws, I caught glimpses of llamas backing off, Rita fleeing for her life, and Shine standing stone still with the exact same expression as when I first entered the domicile. I and Opal shared the pain of Opal's wild breakdown in an attempt to get the strange being out of her body. I fought for a while, but when I realized neither of our spirits were being damaged, nor could we separate until this mess had resolved itself, I relaxed and let the kitty vent.

For sixty.

Straight.

Minutes.

I should've stashed some emergency popcorn somewhere.

Eventually, energy spent, the kitty part of us cooled off. I took the time to observe the llamas had wisely moved on. I guess they decided they would rather put their time towards something not quite so volatile. I moved us to a safer place, just beyond the hole beside the door Shine had been guarding until recently. I spent a few minutes sifting through the debris until I had filled our gut at the cat dish, drank some water, and found a secluded spot. I plopped ourselves down and closed my eyes, intent on a serious discussion with my body mate.

"First things first - let's get the introductions down. No need to have this get as uncomfortable as we were earlier," I said. "We'll be in this body together, for better or for worse, until we can find a way to be rid of each other. I'm Zytharros. I'm still wondering how I became you."

Opal hissed. "Those damn ponies call me Opalescence-" she said the name in a near perfect imitation of Rarity's voice "-but I would much prefer my real name."

"Which is...?"

"Queen Pussysmash the Omnipotent!"

...

The air left behind by that statement filled with the distant sounds of birds chirping. So stunned was I at what she said that I could barely think. Of course, right at that moment, my mind went to a bad place. A dirty place.

A very perverse place.

"Pussy... smash."

Opal contorted our face just as I did. I slowly began to chuckle. She clearly became angry. The resulting look the outside shell took was something akin to a man who got sacked as part of a joke. Our voices became a mangled mess at this point as one half began laughing and the other, screaming. I could not help myself! Did cats actually name each other that!? Pussysmash! Ha! Seriously?

Anger erupted from Opal's side and she once again tailspun into a fit of rage. This time I laughed all the way through it.

Until I saw that we were headed straight into the bags of llama fibre our farm sold.

I began fighting Opal's control in her body. She fought to keep control. I think I burned through a couple brain cells and a few other nerves to control a leg. I guess the best way to explain a soul fight is much like playing a game of Settlers.

Basically, you get this island pieced together with hexagon-shaped parts. Each hex is a different resource, except for three dead duck hexes, two of which are desert, one is a solid water block. Each hex has a number placed on it, from 1 to 12, depending on how big the board is.

Each person starts the game with three settlements that they can place at the junction of any three hexes. No two settlements can be placed in the surrounding immediate junctions once a settlement is placed. However, the next junctions up are fair game. The settlements allow you to collect resources from the connecting hexes and use them to expand your empire. Resources are first collected in accordance with where you have settlements, one for each hex you touch, and bonus material is collected with a dice roll. Once you've collected enough, you can settle new areas or build up existing settlements Iinto cities. One gets bonuses by satisfying a series of conditions, like having a certain amount of settlements along a stretch of road. The goal is to claim a certain number of points.

At least, that's how it felt.

Anyway, I battled enough to get some semblance of control and direct us away from the fibre using the one leg I seized. Unfortunately, my actions caused the furious feline to fling our forms into a pensive pussy petulantly perusng this crazy cat clawing itself to cut cucumber conflagrations. This other cat tumbled a couple times, seriously regretting his decision to interfere in the mental breakdown, and when he regained his footing he disappeared around a corner with a howl.

It was at this point I decided to end this.

"Opal, stop!"

The cat, now completely worn out, collapsed to the earth. I felt the weight of my tired form press upon me.

"We're not going to find out what's wrong with us if we freak out like that," I stated. "We have to think rationally about this."

"Stuff it, Man-Cat."

I bit my tongue. No remarks, Zy. Just say something to push this situation to a positive conclusion.

I can see what you think, too.

Damn.

The Desperation of the Man-Cat

After her big flame-out, the kitty and her body were exhausted. So, as we both allowed darkness to overtake us for the first catnap of the day, I remained awake and thinking. I pondered how I was going to get out of this scenario. I had been sharing this form for thel last two hours or so, and most of it had been dealing with a snyde cat-soul that was none too pleased about sharing her body. Add that to the nearly twelve hours I had been in this form, and I was just plain done with dealing with... all... this. I needed to be back home with my wife. I needed to cuddle with my child. I had to get out of this form.

But would I?

The one question nearly drowned me. I started sobbing as the implications hit me.

First, there was my family. My child would grow up thinking her father had simply left one day, abandoning her and her disabled mother to fend for themselves. She would likely become resentful, dreading a meeting with her restored father and angry that I didn't even say goodbye. The kicker, the nut-busting, ass-kicking resolution to it all would he the closeness I dreamt of having with my child like my parents had with me would not happen. I would be alone, with family that hated me.

That resentment would likely extend to my own parents, as well as hers. I groaned. My dad had already expressed displeasure at the idea of divorce, likening it to the concept of abandonment and declaring it "unthinkable". This was tantamount. One in the same. I knew how damaging this would be to him and Mom, never mind my sister, her husband, and my cousins. I was not the eldest of all of my generation, but I was certainly old enough to be influential to most of them. What would they think of me?

I choked on my spit.

There was also the farm to consider. Between retired in-laws, a wife on disability, and myself, I was the primary income-earner. If I was incapable of working, the critical vein of income would dry up. We had put a lot of work into the farm over the past three years. We put in the orchard: eight apple trees, three pears, three plums, two cheeries and a fig. We even got the llama operation to a point where we could process their fibre and get it moving at a good clip. We also fixed up the place to look half past decent. All we had to say was go, and after a few months we would be sitting pretty. Until then, we were always two months from losing it all as it was. I had that long to get the farm back together, to get me out of this form, to get Opal back to her world. Otherwise I would be homeless, I would have failed everyone, and I would be set to the road with a soul unwelcoming attached to me.

Not only that, but I couldn't even call myself at home in this body. Opal didn't want me, she had made that abundant and clear. So where was I to go? Was I to wander the void of Opal's mind as a consciousness dying of disuse? Was my destiny as an advisor? Where did we go from here? How did it disappear? It was hard to see through these foreign eyes...

Forget my dick. I wanted my family back, even if I had to become a damned eunuch to do so.

I tried rousing Opal, but it was useless. So, without much choice, I envisioned Rosebud's auburn hair, her pale skin, and her ever-changing hazel eyes, and I swore on everything I could legally and spiritually swear on that I would find a way to cure this as soon as possible. I had a timeline, and I had a goal.

After your nap, Opal, we're getting down to business, whether you like it or not.

I spent the rest of the nap coming up with ways to get to a television to watch the news, or at least one of my phones. I now had to know how many were like me, how many were transformed.

Where is Rarity?

The question smelt of hickory smoked salmon, one of my favourites. It was a question of love.

I smiled.

We may get through this yet, Opal.

Curiosity ...ed the Cat

As much as I wanted to pay attention to this insane creature in my head, I had better things to do. Like nap. So, while the background noise of Zytharros' mental breakdown was bound to be gut-wrenchingly entertaining and something I could laugh at, I was far more concerned with the nap I was diving into. I had blown all my energy on a temper tantrum that, in retrospect, had been the highlight of uselessness. Zytharros was right - we were not going to separate until whatever happened to us was resolved. I made a mental note to NEVER apologize and somehow in the future make it be his fault.

Ouch. Okay, maybe I'll admit I did it.

I forgot the mind reading cat plop business went both ways.

So while he had his breakdown, I settled into a nap. Barring any noise from withn my own head, I slowly retreated into my dreamscape.

That night, the dream that came to me was a scene of great familiarity, for it was of a being I never wished to see again.

The malevolent creature that had nearly stolen my Pet Pony away from me.

The beast that trapped me with this wretched human.

The one and only Discord.

Back in Ponyville, I had just settled into a nap like this one while the world turned cotton candy cloud and shattered landscapes. I was certain I had eaten too much catnip, and in my stupor was simply dreaming.

How wrong I was.

You see, while Discord was freed, he came to me. He, the undisputed master of insanity, came to Opalescence and asked me for help.

"Opalescence, I presume?"

I scoffed at the being interrupting my nap. "Who's asking? And how in Celestia's unholy plot do you know how to talk feline?"

"I am Discord, master of chaos and ruler over everything without order." He conjured up a glass of wine from erstwhile unknown places and took a sip. "That is all."

"Well, now, that makes me feel all peachy keen, does it not?" I snarled. "And that lets me trust you more, am I right?"

Discord sighed. "Oh, please. I've seen how unhappy you are at your mast-"

"She is not my master!" I snapped.

Discord gasped with a level of dramatics that would make Rarity proud. "I'm sorry, Princess Opal."

"Darn right," I muttered.

"But anyway, I know how unhappy you are at-" he cleared his throat "-Rarity's house. Soo I'm going to make you an offer."

I calmed down a little. My hackles were still raised. I did not trust this being with my favourite string, never mind the catnip I so loved. "Thirty seconds. Go."

The snakelike smiled. "What I am offering you is liberation. Help me and I will see to it that you have everything you could ever want. Catnip, salmon, meat, hunting grounds... anything you desire will be yours."

"What's the catch?"

"Just help me work a spell out." He licked his lips. "Sorry, they get dry around three in the afternoon."

I shook my head. "The pony called Twilight Sparkle has tried to magic me around enough, and Rarity carries me in the stuff. I want nothing to do with it." I turned myself around to emphatically state the conversation was over.

"I guess you choose Option Two."

"Yes. I will not be participating in your little games."

Discord's voice became infinitely more devious. "I never said you could say no. Option Two is this. In one month, the world will crack and you will arrive where I was going to send you willingly. Only this time, you will never be alone."

With a flash, he was gone.

I had sluffed him off then. I now wanted his head. The next dream that came to me was far more fitting than the last.

I was tearing Discord to shreds.

How gloriously bloody.

Mee hee hee haa haa ha ha hrowww...

Zytharros, you are going to help me kill Discord, or die trying. I am not happy.

The Man-Cat and the Thirst for Knowledge, Act One

I caught the tail end of the dream. Puzzlement flitted behind my thoughts for a moment, but I decided to let it and my host rest. I began thinking of ways to gather the information I was after.

So I have to sneak into my home and steal my Samsung phone and the plug from where the laptop rests. First, I'll need a bag to carry them in. I don't think I have anything I could use... except...

No. Absolutely not. That's a prize-winning woven bag Rosebud made - pale cream with a type of Celtic knot woven into it. I'm gong to have to think of something else...

Maybe a plastic container would work for now. Yes. I'll use one of the plastic Glad storage boxes and carry the cord and phone in that.

But it might mean two days... or one night. During summer we usually leave a window or two open. I could get in at night, find my way to the kitchen, pilfer a plastic, grab my phone and charge cable and get out before morning.

Now, I have to do that while she's asleep and also while both house cats, namely Snarles and Plaid, are asleep.

Blank.

I realized then that I had no idea what their nighttime routine was. I needed to at least gather some data on their movements before then.

And then I realized that I hadn't heard my wife's wheelchair leave her parents' house yet.

...Zytharros, you idiot. Do it now!

I roused our sleeping body and stretched. I put Opal in a safe corner, gave her what I hoped was a virtual pet, and left the garage by a broken window next to a table nearby. I looked around and dropped from the window into a non-crappy but muddy section of llama paddock. I ducked under the wire fence surrounding their land and mounted my in-laws' deck at a quick "cat"-ter. I passed over their deck and made use of the ramp heading down to avoid the gravel at the end of the walkway. I slinked back along the grass, around the house through the orchard, over a picnic table, and across a small zone of gravel. I mounted our deck, crossed the planks and mounted the bannister by the front door.

I then proceeded to examine how exactly I would open the door. I shuffled close to the handle and proceeded to try and swat at the handle. This seemed to garner a measure of success, in that I managed to dislodge the door from its moorings. It wasn't open, but with that down I wedged my paw into the space between the door and the jamb. I pushed open the storm door and dropped to the ground, instinctively searching for signs of other cats. The silence of my ears registered the absence of any approachments, and what I observed gave me peace. No cats either down the hall or in the living room.

"Well, here we go..."

I bolted for the kitchen. I leapt up onto the counter and swiped a plastic from the cupboard. I carried that plastic down from the counter and up to the computer desk. Some shuffling through bills and my sponsor kid's letters bore the fruit of a compatible cable jammed into a power bar.

"Oh, right."

A particularly stubborn power socket.

I sighed and observed my opponent.

"I forgot I could barely pull this out when I was a human," I muttered, "never mind as a cat."

I switched off the power bar before making my next move. I wasn't going to get electrocuted. I wrapped my teeth around the base of the cable, careful to only hold the cable and not actually bite in. Then, making use of the cat's natural flexibility, I lifted the power ball and placed both rear paws against the bar. With a mighty roar befitting a ferocious house cat, I pulled as hard as I could.

I had forgotten one important detail. The cable came in two pieces.

The part that connected the phone to the wall cleanly separated from the plug and sent me floundering frictionless off the desk, along with most of the table's contents. I landed badly, cracking my head cleanly against the floor with a loud shriek of pain. I groaned and sat up, rubbing my head with a paw.

"Ow. Okay, I deserved that."

I got up and shook my head to clear the mild headache before returning to the task at hand. Paw.

I've gotta get used to these cat euphemisms...

So after that cat-astrophe... did I really just think that? Ugh... I leapt back up to the desk and thought for a moment. I realized that this next bit, that of getting the plug half out of the socket, was going to be tough. I couldn't do it straight physically. The darn plug was super tight and made to stop an overload. I contemplated different tools and pressure points, my tail swishing left and right as it hung over the desk.

Eventually, I settled on using a common kitchen knife to fulcrum it out.

So, back to the kitchen I went. As I entered the eatery, another bout of short-sightedness called ke a moron and forced me to look at the closed drawer with a grimace. I asked myself how I was going to get the darn thing open.

I facepawed.

"This is going to be a long day..."

The Man-Cat and the Thirst for Knowledge, Act Two

I sat there, staring blankly for a few seconds, until Plaid, a thin half-Siamese calico cat, emerged from her little hidey-hole under the counter of the kitchen. We stared at each other for a bit as the wheels in my head registered what I had forgotten. When I remembered that Plaid could sneak between the cupboard and the wall where the exposed drawers were under the countertop, a part of my brain shut down.

A couple minutes, one scared cat and another headache later, I was on top of the shelf under the counter pushing away at the drawer. A couple minutes of fighting had it out about three inches before it stuck solid, as it was known to do on occasion. I cursed it, then went out from under back to the countertop to check if I could get a knife out. I pawed at the metal for a few seconds, arranging a metal butterknife so I could grip it with my teeth.

The drawer clattered to the ground, followed by a very angry and frustrated hiss, minutes later. The contents spilled all over the kitchen floor, allowing me to step on a knife and slide it along the ground. I braced it against the one step up into the living room and lifted it. A carefully balanced flip sent it halfway across the floor. I approached it, balanced on my hindquarters, picked it up with my paws and heaved it as hard as I could up to the desk. It hit the front of the desk and ricocheted back at me. With a shriek, I darted out of the way and barely missed being skewered by my vengeful tool.

"That was close."

I picked up the knife, shimmied over, and tried again. The knife hit the wall and landed with a slap on a precariously purched stack of paper still resting half on the desk. It teetered for a bit with the papers before settling back down.

I let the breath I was holding go and leapt on top of the desk. Again, I gripped the knife - So much harder without my opposable thumbs to keep a grip on the situation - and arranged it so it would wedge down between the plug end and the power bar. I carefully jimmied it down until it balanced by its handle within the small space. I then snaked my way between the knife and wall, placed one hindpaw on the power bar, and both front paws against the knife and pushed. For thirty seconds, it was a battle of man-cat ingenuity and the stubbornness of the plug. I strained and pushed, groaned and hissed, even muttered some obscenities to convince the power bar to give its hold on the plug up. Eventually, the plug popped off and I fell face first onto that last stack of papers, which inevitably slid off the desk and landed on the floor.

I lay there for a few minutes enjoying the pain. Every second of this day had been nothing but a comedy of errors, set up to give the clown in the middle of the ring nothing but laugh-at-me-I'm-in-pain-or-a-forgetful-loser moments.

I was gerting tired of them.

So, with a frustrated grunt, I picked up the plug and heaved it into the plastic. I then pushed the container from the living room into the kitchen, from the kitchen outside, from the deck to the gravel, and finally from the gravel into the main pig part of the barn in a corner with a plug isolated from everything else.

There I sat and stared at my prize - my Samsung Galaxy S2 LTE.

And cried.

I had just committed my first act of thievery, and it was against my own family.

I cried myself into my first nap of the day.

The Man-Cat and the Thirst for Knowledge, Act Three

I woke up next to some translucent pile of cat droppings which contained some kind of glass panel in a long, thin black box. Beside it was a long cord of some kind, and on top of all that was a stupid little box with three sticks poking out of one end.

What was that damn human up to?

I heard him more than anything else. Music, I think Rarity called it. He looked like music in physical form, and yet he was also shapes. Letters, I think. They danced around the music, as if in eternal play. His still form moved with an unseen wind, capitulating in grand movements and punchy rock riffs.

Or some cat crap like that. I do not give a buck.

Anyway, I proceeded to try waking him up. We had some business to discuss and I wasn't about to let him sleep it off.

"Zytharros."

Nnnghhh...

Zytharros.

Mmmmrrrkkk...

Zy-tha-rros!!

Shunnup...

Oh, he wasn't making this easy. I considered supplying him with a great heaping can of cat claw, but I had tried that to free myself and it didn't work. It would only hurt me as well as him. I groaned and shoved his corporeal form over.

Get up, you lazy human!

The music droned into a cacophony of annoyance. I knew then that I had awakened him. A split second of silence and the feeling of a job well done were erased as the dissonance returned with a deafening vengeance. I instinctively covered our ears and howled in fury.

"Make... it... STO-O-O-O-OP!"

I've been asleep for all of five minutes. What the cotton-pickin' HELL DO YOU WANT!?

I shouted back, "Stop blowing that infernal racket in my mind!"

"Maybe if you let me sleep-"

"Don't be so damn lazy-"

"Well, it's not my fault-"

This kind of banter continued for a few minutes as a very angry cat and a grumpy human hashed out their very pleasant issues.

Eventually, Zytharros went silent as my tirade about his mom wore on. I heard a song pop up in my head loudly, drowning out my tirade. Every time I got louder, the music drowned me out. When I realized he had tuned me out, I just shut up and waited for the music to die.

It didn't.

In fact, it looped seventeen times.

I had long tried to move away in our mindspace, as far from the music as possible by the start of an eighteenth round that never came. I sighed in relief. Maybe we could talk like rational sentient beings now. Of course, being the far superior being, I would take command and he would be my servant.

Is that not how the world works?

So, once I got us to an isolated area, I marched up to him with a strut and gave a cat smile. "So-"

"Eat it, pussy."

I reeled, flustered and annoyed that one would speak to royalty that way. Maybe he just needs to be-

"Put in my place, right? That's what you want to say."

I had to admit he was good at reading my mind. I couldn't get the best grip on his, however.

"Let me tell you something, cat," he said, a flat tone in his voice, "I'm going to help you defeat Discord."

I sputtered. How did he know that?

"But we have to do it in two months, maybe sooner." The music turned somber. "I currrently have no home, and if I return to my human form after that, I won't have a home anywhere. I brought my phone out here so we could get some information about what's going on worldwide and see if this is happening to anyone else, maybe get some insight into Discord's plans. I have to have my family. I have to rejoin them. I don't know what I'd do without them."

I smirked. "So you need me as much as I need you at the moment," I said. "Good. From now on, you are under my command and we will do as I say."

Feeling confident, I puffed out my chest and smiled large and proud.

Zytharros simply leapt into the driver's seat and made for his phone again. "We work together or we die. Your choice."

My chest deflated and I glared hard. This human was trying to piss me off now!

"Hey! What do you think you're doing?" I demanded.

He smirked. "Going online."

On-what?

The Man-Cat Gets Trolled

"Online," I said, "is a place where humans exchange information. If you'll listen to what I say, you too will be able to read human."

"Pony, too?" Opal asked. "I have always wanted to know why they look at a paper of scribbles and laugh. It made no sense to me."

"Then watch and learn."

Before even touching my phone, I found myself a host plug away from the common use areas. I managed to fanagle a way to shove the plug into the socket. Afterwards, I connected the wire to the plug and the phone to the wire. I then put the phone down in front of me and poked the power button. The Samsung logo stirred upon the screen, followed by the brand mark. The lock screen emerged. I swiped my access password over my daughter's newborn face (they are so blessed adorable at that age!! *squee*) and promptly stomped on the Internet icon.

I could feel Opal's eyes grow wide.

"So that is what us cats miss without human eyes!?" She gasped. "It... it is like... catnip! And fresh meat! A-as one dish!" She smiled. "You will teach me what these things say?"

"To the best of my ability," I promised. "For now, let me work my magic and try to find news sources pertaining to our current situation."

She went quietly amazed as I manipulated the phone nearly as easily as I did with human fingers. I have to say, for being so small a cat paw is a lot like a human hand, minus the thumb and some flexibility around the finger areas. They can fold their paw up and grip some small objects, should they choose to.

I braced my phone against a wall and began tapping. Soon the address bar was filled with a search query: humans turning into ponies.

"What does that say?" Opal asked. After I read the phrase to her, she scoffed. "Why would anyone want to turn into a large servant animal? I would much rather think that they would be better transformed Iinto a cat."

"I don't know, really," I admitted. "Call it a hunch."

So I hit the search button. All I came up with was insults for bad fan fiction. There was nothing about anyone turnng into ponies, nothing about anyone even remotely having an experience close to mine, nothing even about... what??

There was a trollface on my Galaxy!

"Dammit, Discord! Stop toying with me!"

We looked at each other in our mind's eye when we realized we had said the same line together.

We looked back at the phone. The trollface began to speak with the voice of Discord.

"Thank you for the practice run. I have to get the rest of my plans in order. Until then, let them think I'm still a statue, and enjoy your stay in Hotel British Columbia, Opalescence!"

As the trollface disappeared, I got a sinking feeling in my gut. I shook my head and dared to hope I was wrong. My problem was that I had a pretty good accuracy rate when it came to these things, and if I was correct, that meant I would be stuck in this body, homeless, without my family, and would have to live like a cat. Not only that, but at some point in the future, others would turn out just like myself until we or they were able to beat Discord.

"What's more," Opal continued, sharing my thoughtstream, "even though I was the first, I would be inclined to bet some of my luxurious catnip at home that we will not be the ones to beat him." She growled with intensity. "Sweet Luna... this is THE. WORST. POSSIBLE. THING!"

I agreed. It appeared at this point we would not and could not do anything.

Thunder rolled and lightning struck as the gravity of our situation threatened to send us to the ditch Iin the back of the property.

In one night, my family had been taken away. My homes, my Rarity, my wife and kid, my catnip, my orchard... it had all been snatched away. Even worse, the bastard that did this to us was now back home, plotting the rest of his scheme, no doubt with the intent to lure the Elements of Harmony into this same situation I was in.

I moved over to my Facebook app and made a new page on a whim, calling it "Mancat Zytharropal". I hoped beyond hope that someone would find it and sympathize with me. Us. We.

Opal and I.

Dammit, I and I think we are losing it...

I... uh... Opal... ah... we w-w-...w-uh uh...

Blackness.

The Man and the Cat, Act Two

I awake. The sky is purple. Blue electricity shoots across the cloudscape at random intervals. The thunder never comes. It never comes with sheet lightning. I move on the wind, exploring this new area. The gray road I walk on twists and turns in all directions. The world itself does not appear to be completely round, more helmet-shaped. No, even that isn't true. It shifts, flowing slowly like boiling magma.

Parts of the pathway burst into short-lived flame for a while, then die off and leave a black resin on the roadway. In seconds they break off from the gray and slowly float away over the horizon. The path then divides, filling up the empty space once more. The road is never perfect again, though. There is always a little bit more missing with each flare.

I walk along this path, slowly disintegrating even as it repairs. I see nothing familiar, and yet I'm not afraid. I know that at some point I will meet up with Her and everything will be fine. Yet, for now, I'm content to walk this road alone.

A shape appears on the horizon, a cannonball with a hundred spines, shaped like a Pacific salmon. She swims with the grace of a butterfly through the sky. But I pay no mind, engrossed in my whims and wants.

It looks like a winding path below me, but it is hard to make out through these clouds. I float in constant orbit around my own mind, evicted by an invader I do not want within me. I am a cat. I am independent. I shall not have Him in me.

Yet my will on the matter, even as He explores more of me, weakens. Like the clouds that now pervade my vision, He becomes more welcome every passing day. I know we will have to part one day. Part of me does not want this to happen. The other parts, however, cannot wait.

So I float, an Oddity in the Sky, and my brain begins to tear apart for it. I am essential to this world, and yet I cannot repair it.

Not until He lets me.

I walk along this landscape. The Fish has passed by three times now, and the Land has slipped away more and more. I sit down and ponder these events. What does it mean? Why does She remain distant, even as I rry to bridge the gap? I mean her no harm. If I am controlling this brain, I want Her to help.

But how do I do that?

Do I let Her change me? Do I allow Her access Iinto my deepest reservoirs and memories? No. That would reveal secrets about me I promised I would keep hidden forever. It isn't anything serious - just special moments with friends we swore to keep secret - but that's exactly it. I can't betray their trust.

Until then, She will have to be separated.

I'm sorry.

The Brain... it shrinks now. He has to let me back down there so I can repair it. It shall not last long like this. I hate to invade, but it is my Brain. He cannot have it. He shall not have it! I want my brain and body back.

Maybe that is my problem. Maybe I do not want to share. Cats do not share.

Maybe I should. He will be here for a while. The Music must play. Maybe that's why the Brain is burning out.

"Zytharros."

I hear a whisper on the wind. The Fish is next to me now, a ghostly apparition on a backdrop of chaos. She mouths something. My name, I think. Something in me knows there's trouble in these lands. I have invaded, though not of my own volition. I see the Fish fading. I see the Path dying. I see the Sky dimming.

And it all becomes clear.

We can't fight anymore. We need to help each other. Our fight is destroying us, destroying our home.

Soon BOTH will die.

I reconsider.

And I whisper.

"Opalescence."

WE.

WE need to work together.

WE have to.

If WE want to live, WE need to.

WE think WE are destroying OUR brain with OUR actions.

This must stop.

The Music wraps itself around the Fish. The Fish sings a lovely tune.

WE do not know how WE will cooperate.

But WE will.

WE will survive.

Whiteness.

The Man-Cat Versus the Ferret

I woke to the sound of thunder and the flash of lightning. I wasn't startled. In fact, I felt... well, I felt interesting. Like two consciousnesses at the start of a Vulcan mind meld. It was a little headache, coupled with the distinct feeling of having two souls. Arm that with a sledgehammer and a few Photon torpedoes and suddenly I felt like a cocky cat-man. I had it all. I could not tell where Zytharros ended and Opal began. Well, even that's not totally true.

Okay, imagine if you will a peanut. The shell is my body. The nuts within are the brain. That weird fragile brown matter that covers the inside of the shell is the link between the two consciousnesses.

Yet not.

I... I'm lost, yet I've never been better. Cat. Man. The lines are blurred. It seems as if I'm both Zytharros and Opal all at once, yet still two distinct individals.

I never thought I would get a glimpse at the perspective of the Triune God from the other side. No wonder He never included a description in the Bible - I was having a difficult time at this game with just two of us, and I was certain I... and I were losing at describing the phenomenon happening within this cat shape. It... it was as magical as it was frightening. As maddening as it was satiating. At once, it was restless and peaceful.

Opal was under the same awe. Things we once considered our own were no more. She felt defeated and victorious. Satiated and hungry. Harmonious and chaotic. She was revelling in this new sensation just as I was.

It was violating and securing.

I just...

...

Our reverie was broken by a snort. With a jump, we realized someone was bringing the horses in. We approached the door and watched for a brief second.

Pain.

The world spun.

And I was out in the rain, spinning in a circle and preparing to fight to the death.

The ferret had found me, and he looked hungry.

Frick...

I looked at the hideousness of my opponent. It looked like a giant rat. Half its teeth were missing. The other half were yellowed and rotten. Random flecks of meat and plant matter speckled themselves throughout the orifice. The smell was of death, as if he had just completed a fresh kill an hour or two ago.

"Shit," I muttered.

Opal managed a dry chuckle as we circled. "My sentiments exactly."

The ferret's chin dripped thick with saliva, and an almost serpentine tongue washed flecks of food clear of the dentistry. We both confirmed there was nothing but death in his eyes when Opal glared hard into them. The ferret leapt for me. I rolled out of the way. Opal took control of a paw and struck. A snarl of pain erupted from the ferret sailing clear over us, and a spray of crimson life splattered all over our pristine fur. The large rodent landed on all fours, whirlex around and leapt again. I rolled and, with a quick glance, ensured my tail sailed straight for his brain pan. I tried righting myself when a tear of pain swept my legs from under my body and a set of overpowering teeth clamped onto and pierced my flanks. I hissed and tried to fight, but it was useless. The ferret pulled on my body while stepping on my tail. I howled as the pain electrocuted my spine. In seconds I was a flailing fury of claws and teeth again. Opal matched my ferocity. We scratched a good-sized gash in the side of the ferret's face, slashing an eye in half in the process. This caused the ferret to drop us and dart. He barrelled headlong into a pile of timbers used for fencing. He flipped twice and disappeared into the brambles at the back of the barn.

I lay there, breathing, bleeding and saying thanks to God and Opal for surviving. This had been my first near-death experience. I had almost died. I just... it... i-it...

"It's okay."

Opal?

"If you have to, let it out."

I sniffled. "No. I'll... I'm good."

Opal remained silent. The smell told me she didn't believe me. I didn't care. Let her. I just wanted to get somewhere warm and comfortable so I could get over... this. When we began moving, I barely registered the change. Somewhere in the distance, Opal exchanged words with someone in the barn. We then wound up lying down on a hay bale.

From there, it was a blur.

And after a temper tantrum, I fell into the blissful peace of sleep.

Thank God there were no nightmares of imminent ferret death that night.

The Man-Cat, Twenty-Four Hours Old

So that was yesterday.

I awake this morning with two distinct senses - one of grumpiness, another of pain. I roll myself into a ball and proceed to look myself over. Two bites per flank, some straw and quite a bit of dirt mar an otherwise pristine white coat. I groan and close my eyes. Five more minutes, please...

A snort shocks me awake.

"You okay, child?"

Holly. The gentle beta.

"Leave him. He ain't got no food for us."

Chix. The alpha gelding.

"Ain't no reason for us to be mean, Chixy," the brown quarter horse says. "Looks like this poor cat got caught in a nasty scrap. She don't need any of your snippety attitude."

I glance between the pair. Chix huffs, then shoves his nose into his grain.

Grain. Mom-in-law has been here already. That means it's late morning at the earliest. What's the time, anyway?

"You've gotta be hungry, child."

I jump again and look at the brown one. I blush and nod, unable to say much otherwise.

"Well, come here. Let's get you some grain."

I nod and make my way over. The horse, thirteen-and-a-half hands at the shoulder, smiles and tips over some of her grain. I take a couple tentative licks of the foodstuff and grimaced.

Opal, I know you don't like it, but we need to eat something.

I know, Z, but it's just too damn sweet.

I chuckle and take a bit in my mouth. A river of caramel washes over my tongue, coupled with some salty, cruchy, dry grass matter. I choke it down, hacking and coughing for the first few bites, but eventually I get enough in me to satiate my stomach until I can make it back to the food dish.

I sit back and rub my mouth with a paw. "Thank you."

"No problem, child," Holly says. "It's only polite."

"I didn't know horses knew of politeness. I thought you only thought about food and water," I say.

She laughs. "Darlin', you don't get far with humans by bein' all bossy. You gotta get in nice with the hand that feeds you. Otherwise you'll be flipped faster than flyin' toast on a fryin' pan."

I nod, thinking that the explanation makes sense, when a thought occurs to me. I turn to her. "How do you know of frying pans?"

"I'm the daughter of a prize-winning show horse named Katie," she stated in a matter-of-fact way. "She told me stories of her trophies and accomplishments."

She should see my trophy wall at home.

Opal! Be serious here.

Holly continues speaking around these thoughts.

"She would tell me of all her trophies, all the things she did, the shows she was a part of... and then she would go into all that Dad was a part of before he went lame."

"Do. NOT. Tell him."

A stern warning from Chix across the barn stalls Holly for a while before I chuckle.

"Don't worry. Grandpa has already told me of your adventures," I say. "It's nothing I haven't heard before."

"Still don't want to talk 'bout it."

"Okay, that's fine. I'm good for when you want to tell me."

Chix snorts. "Damn humans, tellin' other humans about what we do..." The rest of his words are lost to a mouthful of grain and a grunt that could also have been a fart.

Holly's eyes went wide. "You're a cat, child. Not a human."

"He's both cat and human. It's plain as day." Chix snorts. "Blind as a co..."

Holly's eyes derp for a second, something that gives me pause for thought as to how a real horse could do the Derpy. Her eyes return to normal and she sighs. "Chix, I don't know what hay you've been munchin', but that there's a cat. Ain't no human about him."

"Same hay as you, kid, and what I see there is both man and cat. They've been magicked together by a power that should make you wet your withers," Chix insists.

"J-just hold the holy hubris on here. How in the twelve hours of the afternoon do you know of these things?" I demand. "What are you, a psychic horse?"

He shot a look right at me. "First thing that gave me the hint was you passed our damn paddock with that plastic thing all humans seem to carry nowadays. That was a damn big thing for a cat to chase after. Second, you look like you stepped off the freak bus. I mean, how many cats do you know who have a... how do you say it... drawn body shape? Not too many. Third, and this was the bucker, you tried fighting a ferret as a cat. Felines worldwide fear ferrets. You stupidly battled one head on. You're braver than a cat." He snorted. "I'll bet my gray flank that I can guess exactly who you are."

I nodded. "Probably. I'm the only male on this property that comes over and talks to Holly frequently."

"Yup. I don't approve of cross-species relationships," Chix declared. "They're unnatural and wrong. Don't you be makin' any moves on my daughter."

I sputtered. "Jai n'interresant pas son fille! I'm married!"

Chix whinnied. "I know how you look at her!"

Holly neighed, a full-bellied, loud neigh. "Dad! Cat! Stop this! Please!"

I hissed. "I... just... ugh... I-I... shut up!"

"What, no retorts? No comebacks?" Chix laughed. "Get over yourself, stud. I know stallions. Stop before I make you stop."

My head droops. Yesterday was hell. I didn't need today to be that way as well. So I decided something.

"I will talk with whoever I please," I state. "If you want to stop me, then try me."

"Very well."

Chix whistles. The barn goes silent. I get a bad feeling in my gut.

"Get out of here."

I look at the horse I could call an ally. "Get out of here now. He's callin' that damn ferret, chld!"

I nodded to her and cut my losses. I wasn't about to become ferret lunch again..
So I disappeared down into a pig pit to await my potential pursuer's passing.

I wasn't going anywhere near that bloody ferret again.

The Man-Cat and the Actual Deadline

I managed to avoid the ferret on my way to the cat dish. After filling up my gut, I heard the familiar clatter of wheelchair on wooden deck. I perked an ear as my wife, sobbing beyond belief, closed the door behind her. I had to listen in, so I left the dish behind and ran around to a window on the south side of the house.

No sooner had I done so than I spotted a sign on our side of the road. It had a distinct red, white and blue balloon on a sky backdrop, and a large name in blue print.

Well fuck me up a river, I thought.

What's the problem? Opal asked.

I grimaced. That sign on the grass over there... They're selling right now!

So... That is relevant how?

If they sell, we're homeless. Like, we have to find a different place to live. That means no cat food, no shelter, no humans or ponies to pet us... it's all gone."

So we hide the sign.

It's not that simple. Let me try to put it in a nutshell. Yes, we use signs to communicate, but we use something else. There's a vast array of special string connecting many of those plastic phones I was using earlier. Each string connects with others and eventually reaches a bunch of boxes. In those boxes is information. We use these strings to access the information stored in those boxes. Likely, what they've done is put the knowledge that this place is for sale on the Internet, erm, that network of string, for anyone to access. Thousands of people already know that this farm's up for grabs.

I do not know what the hay you are talking about.

Basically, Twilight's dragon Spike, except billions of Spikes exchanging letters at blinding speed.

...you lost me.

Dig around in my mind a bit for the answers to those questions. I'm going to go and listen to the conversation.

I am too refined to dig anywhere. I shall take your word for it. What does all that confusing speech mean, anyway?

It means our timeline to cure this condition just got a hell of a lot shorter.

...Oh.

Yeah. They have a potential customer base of potentially two billion people through that network. They're bound to find someone who wants this place in a month or less.

So how do we go about this? Keeping this place, then?

I was about to think, but the thought stream simply stops there. For the life of me, I can't think of any way that could posibly save the place.

I don't know, Opal. We were talking about leaving in the next two years. I guess this... I gestured frantically between us ... was the straw that broke the camel's back.

We sigh from the same body.

I guess there are some things even trying to help with just won't cut it.

A look of determination crosses my face. Fire within my gut flares up. I'm determined to make this work.

"Opal, I don't know what we can do, but dammit, we'll get this farm as shipshape as we can," I declare. "Let's go talk to the horses. I'm sure we can rally them together to do the heavier stuff." I begin trekking our shared body toward the corrals. The rain has stopped.

"Zytharros, I am with you."

"You don't have much choice - we're in the same body."

"I know. I just thought you would like to know that I will not be providing resistance."

"Even if we get dirty?"

"If I must."

I smiled as we passed my house. Now that Opal's on side, I feel things will be alright.

"I'm not collecting dust with my fur, though."

There goes my plan of becoming a real life feather duster.

The Cat Does St00pid

"Screw this," Opalescence said, "We're finding a way out of this now."

And then we ran into the middle of the road where we got hit by a car and died.

Author's Note

...Yeah, I'm done with this story.