I lay on the hospital bed, chills coursing through my body. I was paralyzed in fear with what I saw standing in front of me. Tall. Thin. Wearing a black cloak. It could be none other than Death, the reaper of souls.
"Please... I haven't done any of the things I wanted to do... please spare me..." I managed to whisper to the ominous creature before me.
Death just stared at me with its empty sockets, showing me the endless void that was its dreadful mind. Suddenly, with a grumbling voice that grated on my ears, it spoke.
"Ccccccgggghhh... Ccccggh..."
I sat there wide-eyed, afraid of what it was trying to say. Was it damning me to an eternity of torture in hell? Was it going to remind me of every wrong I had ever done, never ceasing until I'm a shaking, sobbing mess lying in a puddle of my own tears?
"Ccccggghhh..." it grumbled, before raising its skeletal hand to its mouth and coughing. "Ah! That's better! Sorry about that, I had something in my throat," it said in a surprisingly feminine voice.
Well that was... unexpected. Unexpected but not unwelcome. "What do you want with me?" I asked it, a little more confidence bolstering my voice.
The skull underneath its hood somehow managed to look at me with a disbelieving look on its non-existent face. "Are you serious? God, you're stupid. I'm Death, what do you think I'm here for? Also, stop thinking of me as an 'it'. I am a 'she' and I expect you to refer to me as such!"
"Uh... okay..."
"So, anyway, I'm here to kill you and reap your soul."
I gasped. "But why? I'm only in the hospital because of a broken leg!" I shouted. This was an injustice that would not be stood for! I was going to fight for my rights if it was the last thing I did!
"It is the last thing you'll do."
Shut up, Death!
"Yes, you're only in here because of a broken leg. But it turns out the doctor who's going to be fixing you up is on his first day of the job, and you'll get an infection. Then you'll be stupid and ignore the signs of infection and die."
"But if you just told me, can't it be prevented?!"
"No."
"Why not?!"
"Because you touch yourself at night. Yeah, turns out there is a God, and he doesn't like that."
I'd like to say I stood strong in the face of my own death. I'd like to say I faced it fearlessly. But I didn't. I couldn't help it. I broke down and cried.
"Friggin' baby..." Death said before swinging her scythe at me. The blade sped straight through my body and exited through the other side.
Suddenly, I could feel myself floating. I looked down to see my body, tears streaking down my face. Oh God, I really am a baby...
"Can you at least move my body to make it look like I died doing something cool?"
"No. Because you touch yourself at night."
"You're a real jerk, Death."
____
I sat with Death in her office. I've gotta be honest here, I never really expected Death to have an office. The spirit in question was currently writing on an official looking document and asking me questions.
"Have you ever kicked a baby?"
"No."
"Punched an old lady?"
"Once, but she was mugging me."
Death looked up.
"Don't look at me like that! She was really fit for an old lady!"
Death snickered.
After a few more questions, Death looked up. "Well, you qualify to get into heaven. Good job!"
"Yay!" I exclaimed, bumping a fist in the air.
"But you touch yourself at night. So I can't let you go."
"What?! You're denying me entrance to heaven just because of that?!"
"Yup. Hey, look on the bright side, at least I'm not sending you to Hell."
I sighed. This was a major disappointment. A thought struck me. "Well... where are you sending me?"
Death shrugged her shoulders. "I dunno. Bye! Have a nice trip!"
With those parting words she snapped her bony fingers and I started to fall. I fell for what seemed like an eternity, through an endless tunnel of light and colour. Eventually, my back hit something solid and I blacked out...
___
I opened my eyes with a start and gasped. The sun was right above me, and I was blinded by its bright light. After quickly sitting up, I placed a hand on my head. That hurt... I probably shouldn't have gotten up so fast...
After the discomfort passed, I opened my eyes and looked around. Around me, dark green grass grew. In the distance, a castle. A very familiar castle...
After staring for a bit, I realized where I recognized it from. My Little Pony! That was Canterlot Castle! Being a proud brony, I was ecstatic at the fact that I was in Equestria. Maybe I could meet all my favourite characters! I could marry the princess! I could get turned into an alicorn and be great at magic and do a sonic rainboom, like in all the Human in Equestria stories!
I was getting ahead of myself. First, I need to find the ponies. I stood up and started to run towards the castle...
But something was wrong. As I stood up, the castle suddenly dipped very low in my field of vision... That meant that it had either suddenly fallen from the mountain it lay on or... Crap...
I knelt down and picked a handful of grass. Just as I suspected, it wasn't grass at all! They were trees! I was giant! I stood up and started to look around for anything that could help me. Maybe the ponies could make me normal sized?
I quickly started to sprint toward the castle. It was my only hope!
___
I stared in shock at the sight before me. Princess Celestia was flying right in front of my face! And she was pink! She had flown out of the castle when I approached, and started to hover in front of me, not saying a word.
"Um, hello?" I nervously said, excited to see my favourite princess.
"I love when you comb my hair!"
"I'm sorry?"
"You're my best friend!"
I blushed. "I like you too, princess!"
"My wings are so pretty!"
This was getting weird. I lowered my eye to Celestia and inspected her carefully. Wait a minute...
She was a toy!
"*Giggle* Flying is so much fun!"
I ran to the castle and touched it. Cheap plastic! No!
I was stuck in an Equestria where everything was a toy!
Author's Note
Be careful what you wish for.