Chapter 13

Twilight, Rainbow and Theory made their way into the small dining room that adjoined the kitchen.

“There he is; not even a stallion for a week and he manages to snag himself a mare.” Shadow chuckles ignoring the death glare she received from Rainbow “Who would have ever thought that little Sparkle needed to become a stallion in order to get laid?”

Twilight snorted and rolled his eyes. “I love you to Shadow.”

“Now now, Sparkle, I'm your cousin; so none of that.”

Twilight facehoofed while Storm, Umbra and Theory burst into laughter.

“What?” The dark mare asked innocently.

Twilight ignored the dark mare and trotted into the kitchen. “What did you do to my kitchen?”

“What do you mean?” Came Shadow's voice from the adjoining room.

“The kitchen is clean; the only time you clean anything is when you are covering something up.” The kitchen was, in fact, spotless; there wasn't a single apparent flaw in the entire kitchen. Twilight focused his magic and cast a simple dispel illusion spell and looked around again and sighed before trotting back into the dining room. “Okay, Umbra, I want my kitchen back in the state it was yesterday as soon as possible and no illusions this time.” Umbra made to argue before being cut off by Twilight. “You are just as much at fault for this mess as the other two, not to mention that you are supposed to be the responsible one.”

Twilight walked over to Shadow “I have half a mind to hang you from one of the castle's towers by your tail but I've decided to go for a less conventional punishment.”

“What?” Shadow said nervously.

“It's more fun not telling you.” Twilight spoke happily with a twisted smile. Shadow had a very vivid imagination and the fear of the unknown punishment would be much worse than anything Twilight could think up.

He then moved on to the pegasus Twilight. “Storm, I understand that you were planning on flying back to the manor soon, but it has come to my attention that the local weather team is woefully understaffed and that an extra pair of wings would be appreciated greatly. So until I say otherwise, you will report to Rainbow Dash every morning and assist her in whatever way she wishes.” Rainbow had oft complained about the state of her weather team and some contact with her own tribe would do Storm good, so it was essentially killing two griffons with one stone (Celestia had often told Twilight that such a metaphor was 'politically incorrect', but Twilight was as stubborn as, well, a Twilight).

Twilight turned to his friend “Rainbow, you should get going; you don't want to be late for today's light rain”

“Oh buck, I completely forgot.” Rainbow's eyes widened comically before she flew down a hall.

“Rainbow the exit's that way ...” Twilight pointed in the opposite direction before sighing. “She'll find her way out.”

Twilight turned back to Storm. “Well, what are you waiting for? Get going.”

Storm flew out of the room as fast as she could, following the chromatic mare.

“Umbra and Theory, carry on.” Twilight walked over to Shadow. “And Shadow, you're with me. I have some errands to do.”

“Okay, Spike, what is the next item on today's checklist?”

“Um,” Spike did a quick scan of the list “it looks like we need eight bushels of apples.”

“Eight? That seems awfully high.” Twilight eyed his surrogate-brother/son/number-one-assistant incredulously.

“Why don't you ask short, dark and nympho back there?” Spike motioned in the direction of Shadow. While he had none of the experience with magic required to detect the pseudo-invisibility charm, it was incredibly difficult to trick a dragon's eye. “Last week's apples didn't last three days, and that was before two more of those lunatics you call your family showed up”

Twilight sighed, and  “Spike”.

“What? They're all messed in the head.”

Twilight sighed again, “Spike, everyone – to a certain degree – is crazy, us Twilights just more so than most, but you can never forget that they, we, are your family.”

“Twilight, last time I was at the manor, your mother came running up to me with a look of terror on her face, picked me up by my head, stared straight into my eyes and asked me what blue, the colour, tasted like.”

“Lady Twilight Velvet is something else entirely.” Twilight shook his head, “I remember, several days after I hatched you and found my cutie mark, Princess Celestia was making the official announcement of my tutelage under her to the Council of Houses and – right in the middle of the Princess's speech and in front of the heads of the most powerful noble houses in Equestria – my mother stood up and asked in a clear tone whether or not alicorns are hermaphrodites; I don't think I have ever seen Celestia at such a loss for words since.” Twilight brought a hoof to his face. “To make it even worse, right after she asked that, she looked me straight in the eyes and winked!”

“Wait, are they?” the, up until now, silent mare asked.

“No, we aren't” If looks could kill, Shadow would have left the land of the living right then and there. “I'll have you know that alicorns adhere to binary gender just as much as any of the tribes.”

Shadow, for once, wisely made no retort.

“Twilight.”

“What is it, Spike?”

“We're here.” came Spikes annoyingly vague reply.

“We're where, Spike?” Twilight turned to see the familiar market stall containing apples, apple goods and apple accessories manned by a single large stallion

“G'morning Twilight, how have yeh been?”

“Very well, Big Mac, considering”

“How are yeh dealing with your changes? That kind of shock can't be easy.”

Twilight was surprised, never before had she ever gotten more than a sentence out of the large stallion. “Well, yeah, my body's different, larger wings, longer horn, taller stature, a completely different body type, and 'back there' of course.” he motioned his head towards his tail “Also, my hormones are rather unbalanced, so I can be rather moody, but that should balance out soon enough; I hope.”

The red stallion nodded, “Have yah planned fer when the mares go into heat?”

“Well, I have several spells that should make sure I'm safe from the pheromones and a couple that should make most mares show me little interest. Anyways, I'm the alicorn of magic, it's not like I can't protect myself. Also on the subject of shock, you seem awfully calm about this whole 'I accidentally turned myself into a stallion' thing.”

“Well, Pinkie told me when she was helping AJ, that mare don't seem to know how t' stahp talking. An' ah figured yeh would manage t' do something lahk this t' yourself eventually.”

“About that, how is Applejack”

“She's fine now, but whatever Pinkie gave 'er, really knocked 'er fer a loop.”

“I really need to talk to her about that, earth pony made dragon liquor is illegal for a reason.”

Big Mac responded with a snort.

The weather team worked as efficiently as usual (which is to say, not at all) and got the partly cloudy sky out only one hour behind schedule “Great work team, we're done for the morning, meet back here at sunset for cloud clearing duty.”

With a chorus of affirmatives the dozen pegasi the team scattered, including a certain deceitful grey waste of rations.

“Cloudchaser, get your sorry flank back here, I'm not finished with you.”

“Ya, sure boss, I'm coming.” the grey mare lazily flew over to Rainbow. “What is it?”

“It's about yesterday.” Rainbow gave the mare a scowl.

Cloudchaser smiled, “So how did you like his new look?”

Rainbow's scowl deepened even further, “How dare you! You not only lied to me and betrayed my trust, but your actions put both myself and Prince Twilight Sparkle in an extremely compromising situation. And you have the gall to think it's funny?”

“So you're angry because you didn't get laid?”

Rainbow made a very unponylike growl “This is nothing to do with whether I got 'laid' or not; this is to do with how you sent an unassuming mare in heat directly to the house of a stallion who was woefully unprepared to resist the effects of said heat. Did you know that there is a clause in Equestrian law called 'Rape by Circumstance' referring to intentionally putting one or more ponies in a situation where they are physically, emotionally or psychologically incapable of refusing their consent to acts of a sexual nature?”

Cloudchaser just floated there with a shocked look on her face.

“No, of course you didn't, and you didn't think either. You shouldn't need a law to see that your actions were completely unacceptable.” Rainbow sighed “Go, just go and think, truly think, about what you did and how lucky you are that this ended as well as it did for you.”

The grey mare dejectedly flew off towards Ponyville.

“And, Cloudchaser,” The grey pegasus turned her head to look at Rainbow   “if you ever, ever, do anything like this again, you will not get another chance.”

Rainbow watched the other mare until she had completely disappeared from her vision.

“Dayum filly, you're hot when you're angry.”

Rainbow could only stare as another particularly grey pegasus mare pulled herself off of one of the many clouds that dotted the sky.

“The only way you could be hotter is if you literally burst into flames, like Cuz Sparkles or Cuz Flare – although 'on fire' seems to be her default state – or Lady Velvet or pretty much every unicorn Twilight. Except Cuz Spark, she goes all electrical storm when she's pissed, it really wreaks havoc on that radio thing she likes playing around with. I'm rambling aren't I? Mother always said I ramble a lot. But then again mother isn't a Twilight, and I don't think she really understands us very well. Well, to be truly honest, I don't think even we understand us very well. Oh, damn it, I'm rambling again. I should probably stop rambling.” The sole pegasus Twilight took a deep breath “There I'm no longer rambling.” Storm looked at Rainbow “You look like you want to say something.”

With a mental fortitude born of several years of friendship with Pinkie, Rainbow put much of what the other pegasus had said out of her mind. “What are you doing here Storm? You can go home now.”

“Bah, why would I go home? All that awaits there is errands and boredom, the two most evil things in the universe.  Maybe I want a performance evaluation, or maybe I want to spend some time with a member of my own tribe – did you know I am the not only the only pegasus Twilight, but I was the only pegasus who lived in the Twilight Manor? And while both thestrals and changelings have wings, neither truly live for the sky and simply don't understand flying for flying's sake – or maybe, just maybe, I think you're cool and I want to hang out with you.”

Rainbow was unsure what to say. “Do you really want a 'performance evaluation'?”

“Well, it's not like I have ever done this before, I mean, sure, I would clear a couple clouds if somepony wanted a clear sky or maybe collect a few for somepony to test a spell. Hay, I didn't even go to flight school; I learned pretty much everything I know on the subject from old books and ancient treatises on pegasus flight and magic.”

“That actually explains a lot. You use wind currents to move clouds instead of pushing the clouds with your hooves like modern weatherponies do. It takes significantly more skill, but isn't near as precise as using your hooves. It hasn't been used in ages. Hay, the last time I saw it used was pre-reunification.”

Much to Rainbow's surprise Storm burst into laughter. “Oh, Rainbow, You're hilarious. 'The last time [you] saw it used was pre-reunification'. As in before the reunification. As in before the Hearth's Warming Story. As in more than three to four thousand years ago. As in greater than a millennia before the princesses even showed up.” Storm broke down into laughter one again, wings barely holding her aloft. “Rainbow, I think I love you.”

“Um, it was just a slip of the tongue. Anyways I'm not interested in mares.”

Storm giggled, “Oh, not like that silly. And even if it was, I would never mess around with one of my cousin's mares. Especially when said cousin is a god.”

Rainbow snorted “Just because we slept together once does not mean I am his 'mare'.”

Storm looked Rainbow straight in the eye with a serious expression “You were Sparkle's mare long before you slept with him”

Before Rainbow could even ponder the meaning of that statement it hit her. Well it was less of an it and more of a her. A very non-metaphorical and very pink her moving at velocities that an earth pony shouldn't be able to achieve.

“Hiya Dashie, Hiya pony I don't know. I've been looking all over Ponyville for you. I mean you Dashie, why would I be looking for a pony I don't know. No offence pony I ...” Pinkie stared wide eyed at the now vacant airspace that had once been occupied by Storm. “Heh, must have been a hallucination.” Pinkie turned back to the pegasus from whom she was hanging. “Dashie, did you see where the hallucination pony went?”

“Uh, Storm just mumbled something like 'By Celestia's beard, it's the Pink Menace' and flew off.”

“Oh, silly hallucination pony, Celestia doesn't have a beard, I shaved it off.”

Pinkie put a hoof to her chin while hanging off Rainbow with one foreleg “I wonder if I should throw a 'Welcome to Ponyville' party for the hallucination pony. On one hoof” Pinkie took her hoof from her chin and held it in front of her “I throw welcome to Ponyville parties for every new pony in town, so why should I discriminate against hallucinations? And on the other hoof” Pinkie removed her other hoof from Rainbow Dash, seemingly floating with no visible support. “Pa was very serious when he said throwing parties for hallucinations makes me look like a crazy pony. I don't want to look like a crazy pony because then ponies won't want me throwing parties for them, but what if the hallucinations get sad because I won't throw them a party?” Pinkie threw her forelegs around Rainbow and started to sob. “Dashie, what do I do?”

“Uh, Pinkie?”

“You are right Dashie. Party related existential horror can wait, I'm on a top secret mission from Rarity to deliver you a message.”

“Okay, Pinkie, what's the message.”

Pinkie leaned up to Rainbow's ear and whispered in a conspiratorial tone “Eetmay tay Arousalcay Outiquebay”

“Um, 'meet at Carousal Boutique'?”

“Shh, be quiet, 'they' might be listening.”

“Who? We're the only ponies here.”

“That's what 'they' want you to think”

Rainbow just rolled her eyes.

“Okay, last item on the list is banking.” Spike looked up from his scroll to see the large sign signifying the local branch of the Canterlot High Bank.

“This should be a quick in and out, I only need to withdraw a thousand bits.” Twilight giggled “I can't believe I just said that, only a thousand bits, I used to think that was a lot of money, back when I could live for several months on that much.”

“You probably still could if you got rid of the mare that keeps eating all your food and breaking everything.” Spike gave the dark unicorn a glare as the trio settled into the line.

“Aww, is the wittle puppy sad?”

Instead of answering, Spike just spit a burst of flame in Shadow's direction.

“Why can't the two of you just get along?”

“Because she is a psychopath that says really creepy things about all the stallions in this town and some of the mares.”

“Spike! Storm isn't a psychopath, she's not even close. Trust me I know several, and not all of them are bad ponies.”

“Frost?” Shadow asked.

“Yes, although he prefers to be called a 'high functioning sociopath'.”

“Let me guess, another one of your cousins”

“Actually, he's my uncle.”

Spike rolled his eyes, “Of course he is.”

“I can take the next customer now.” the unicorn teller announced.

“Okay, that's our cue.”

“How can I help you, sir?”

“May I withdraw 1000 bits please.” Twilight lit his horn and a small heavily enchanted single page document appeared in a purple flash and floated over to the teller.

The mare behind the counter accepted the bank note. “Do you have a co-signatory?”

Twilight raised an eyebrow “Why would I need a co-signatory? I am a legal adult.”

“Every stallion must have a mare as his co-signatory. It's our policy.”

“Hey, Twilight, I'll cosign for you.”

Twilight turned to glare at her cousin. “I'm not stupid, Shadow, I know exactly what co-signing on a bank account means and there's no way in Tartarus that I would ever let you get close to my money.”

“Hmph.”

Twilight turned back to the teller. “Would you please tell me why I have to give up the control of my account.”

“I don't dictate policy, I just follow it.”

“In that case, I need to talk to your manager.”

“I'm afraid that won't be possible.”

Twilight narrowed his eyes, “Why?”

“It's bank policy, if we just let anypony see the manager, she'd never get any work done.”

Twilight started to giggle, not the 'that's so cute/funny giggle' mind you, but rather the 'I'm a borderline-insane near-lunatic that's getting close to cracking giggle'. “Do you even know who I am?”

The teller rolled her eyes “Don't know, don't care. You're just some prick who thinks that the rules don't apply to him. Well I've got news for you, buddy, the rules are the same for everypony!”

Twilight cackled, “Except, you know, they're not.” Twilight's expression abruptly became serious. “If they were, I would have walked out of here, several minutes ago, and we wouldn't be having this conversation. And you really should care who I am” Twilight closed his eyes, flared his wings and lit his horn with an excessive amount of magic. “Because, you never know who you just pissed off.” He opened his eyes, showing the mare the glowing fields of white that had replaced his normal violet eyes.

The teller started to sweat in terror, feeling the waves of power flowing from the alicorn. “Uh, I'm sure a meeting can be arranged.”

Twilight closed his wings, cut off his magic and smiled sweetly. “See, was that so hard?”

As Twilight followed the terrified mare into the back of the building, he couldn't help but remember one of first lesson that Celestia had taught her:

“Twilight, you shouldn't ever hold your power over another ponies; while intimidation may get you many things, it looses you what is much more valuable. Using your power for your own personal gain is one of the fastest ways to lose yourself.”

“But mother does it all the time.”

“While your mother is an incredibly powerful and intelligent mare, she is not what I would call a model citizen. Nor should she be one you pattern yourself after.”

“So, what you mean to say is that 'she's completely bucking insane'?”

“Twilight, why would you say such a thing about your mother?”

“Because everypony knows it's true, anyways I don't hear you denying it.”

*sigh* “Let us end this lesson here, and talk about your mother no further.”

“Okay, Princess.”

“And Twilight ...”

“Yes, Princess.”

“I want a thousand words on why swearing is socially unacceptable by tomorrow morning.”

“Oh, buck.”