A Hole in My Life

by tosety

Rating: everyone
Tags: Changelings, Original Character, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sad, Romance
Length: 2392

A stallion is tormented by dreams of the death of his wife.

What do you do when you believe you cannot live without the love of your life?

One stallion takes drastic measures upon the death of his wife, making "a deal with the devil".

Published 2013-06-19 00:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-06-19 00:20:02 UTC

Nightmares of death

(Wilted Oak)

Gentle Breeze lay there, Her once sleek, purple mane hung limp and grey on her pillow, almost matching her once silver coat. I sobbed uncontrollably as she weakly tried to comfort me.

“Hush now, my love-” A fit of coughing interrupted her feeble words. “I am at peace, I have had nine wonderful years with you. Please remember me fondly even as you find a new love.”

Just the effort of talking left her exhausted. Sweat formed on her brow and I wiped it away. I stifled my sobs, trying to make her feel better.

“I love you so much, my darling.” I ignored the tears rolling down my cheeks. “You will leave a hole in my heart.”

“Please, She needs her rest and we need to give her her medicine.” The nurse gently but firmly guided me out of the room.

I woke up crying as Gentle Breeze wrapped her wings around me and hummed comfortingly.

“You had that dream again, didn’t you?” She whispered, nuzzling my cheek.

“I-it felt so real, like it was a memory. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.” I hated feeling so weak, but it was all I could do to hold her and try to calm my ragged breathing. Even now, the emptiness felt so real, like she was dead and gone forever.

“I know, it’s like I can feel your emotions, just rest a while and it will pass like it always does.”

“I’m sorry for being so weak when it comes to these nightmares, you really shouldn’t have to be comforting me like this over these silly dreams.”

“Hey, my stallion can’t be strong and rugged all the time, can he?” She chuckled warmly and touched her nose to mine.

A green haze clouded my vision briefly and my anxiousness and heartache drained away.

“I think my stallion needs breakfast in bed. Wait right here and I’ll be back in no time.” She disengaged herself, trotting to the door with a flirtatious flick of her tail.

(Gentle Breeze)

“...What I am saying is that he is in pain. He was promised blissful ignorance, and I cannot remove his pain. His mind is rejecting our help.”

“He asked for us to give him this, and if we cannot give all that he hoped, we have at least given him some relief. If we had not helped him, you know as well as I that he would be dead.”

“We need to stop. His nightmares are getting worse and soon, they will destroy him.”

“Are you saying that we should just stop and not only give up a precious resource, but leave him to his waking nightmare? Would that not destroy him faster?”

“No, my queen, I am saying that we need to find an alternative. We need to research other approaches that his mind will not rebel against.”

“Fine, you have been given this position because of your gentle touch and ability to improvise. When you come up with an alternative, let me know. Now return to your duties.”

(Wilted Oak)

“I’m back, my dashing, young stallion.” Gentle Breeze whispered seductively in my ear.

I chuckled as I touched my greying muzzle. “You’re the young one. You’re a full winter younger than me.” I admired her lithe body and youthful, shimmering silver coat. “And you still look twenty.”

“Your love keeps me young.” She whispered as she laid my breakfast on the bed in front of me.

A searing headache blinded me.

“I’m so sorry.” She whispered hoarsely from the hospital bed. “I can’t hold on any longer. I need to sleep. Thank you for nine wonderful years, and please move on. You are-” She took a moment to catch her breath and it turned into a wheezing cough. “You are still so young and you deserve many more years of happiness.” She let out a shuddering breath and lay still.

My sobbing over her limp body was interrupted by a green glow.

“Hey, your food’s getting cold.” She said, wiping away a tear.

(Gentle Breeze)

I let out a heavy sigh. Wilted Oak was having more and more relapses. The memories of his wife’s death would not stay locked away. Now they were coming during the day.

I was interrupted from my thoughts by our arrival at Nick Knacks’ store.

“This cart always feels much lighter when we both pull it.” Oak commented.

“Many hooves make light work.” I answered, helping him unload his carvings and bring them into the store. “It only feels light because you’re so strong.” I carefully adjusted his attitude to keep him from getting suspicious.

“Hi Nick, I’ve got a really nice one today.” Oak hefted up a large carving of a mare and stallion sitting side by side and touching foreheads, while I unloaded the smaller ones of various woodland creatures.

After arranging payment, we trotted over to the fruit and vegetable stands to get supplies for the coming week.

“Watch out!”

“Runaway cart!”

I looked up in time to see a carriage barrelling towards us. There was no time for us to disengage from our carriage. I swung my side around so they’d get hit first. Oak tried to do the same, but was too old and weak to fight me. At the last minute, I used my magic to nudge the carriage sideways, but it was heavier than I anticipated and slammed into me.

~~~

I woke up lying on the ground with Oak and the townsponies staring at me in horror.

“Changeling” I heard repeated from all around me.

I quickly sent out my persuasion to muddle their minds. I thought quickly and set up an alternate memory of Oak shielding me as the carriage barrelled into us. I did a quick search of the atmosphere to make sure I caught all of them.

(Gentle Breeze)

“What happened yesterday, drone?” Queen Chrysalis’ voice was angry and fearful.

“We were hit by a runaway carriage and I lost my disguise for a moment. I quickly regained it and altered the townsponies’ memories, but if you are contacting me like this, I must have been unsuccessful in fixing my mistake.”

“You think?” My queen responded derisively. “I have been contacted by Princess Celestia, and we will both be paying you a visit this evening. You understand that if we cannot convince her of the truth of our arrangement with your charge, the consequences for you will be dire.”

“Yes, my queen, and I will accept it with the full honor of the Velavi Hive.”

“Yes, you will. Furthermore, a messenger drone is already his way to retrieve your harvest early.”

(Wilted Oak)

I was interrupted from my carving by my love coming in. She was stumbling and she looked weak.

“Are you okay? Were you hurt worse than we thought by that carriage?”

I was about ready to throw her in the back of our wagon and haul her to the hospital.

“No, I’m just really sad. I got some bad news today, and I just need to hold you.”

As we embraced each other, I felt her strength return and saw the color fill her mane again. Sadly, her mood didn’t improve. She sat sobbing in my arms for several minutes.

Finally she was able to recover her composure.

“We have company.” she said and we trotted outside to meet our guest.

(Wilted Oak)

A giant pegasus landed on the path. She was easily as tall as Princess Celestia, but was black with an electric green mane and tail

As we trotted up to greet her, Princess Celestia landed in front of her in a hostile posture.

“Drop the charade, Chrysalis!” She lowered her horn as multiple guardsponies of all three tribes entered the clearing.

“My, my, Celstia, aren’t we the height of manners. I was merely adopting this form to keep Wilted Oak from having a heart attack.” The black pegasus’ attitude went from condescending to bitter. “You know how you ponies react to our true form.”

“And you!” Celestia said, rounding on Gentle Breeze with murder in her eyes. “Drop the blasphemous appearance of the pony this stallion loves.”

Gentle Breeze bowed even lower.

“May I please do this in a way that will harm him as little as possible?”

Celestia backed off, looking almost as confused as I was.

Taking this as consent, Gentle turned to me, looking ashamed.

“My name is Anaptus, and I have been... trying to help you forget.”

I stood there, dumbfounded as I tried to process these revelations.

“Where is my wife?” I tried to sound angry.

I tried to feel angry.

Instead, I just sat there feeling hollow, like I expected this all along. I even felt like I knew the answer to my question, but would not let myself remember.

Gentle shuffled up to me with tears in her eyes.

“It is time for you to remember.” Gentle stepped forward.

“Wait.” Celestia ordered. Her voice was no longer angry, but rather cautious. “I will enter his mind to see firsthand what you show him.”

Gentle Breeze touched her black horn to my forehead and my vision went green.

~~~

Gentle Breeze lay limply in my arms as I sobbed.

“How am I to move on? How can I forget your love? I’m sorry, but I can’t just forget you.”

~~~

The rain fell around us as I stared at her grave. I was done crying. I was done feeling. All that was left was emptiness. I curled up on her tombstone wishing I could just die right there.

Hours later, I was led numbly back to my house and spoon-fed some broth.

A voice pierced the haze of my emptiness.

“I haven’t seen anything like this since the Wedding Invasion.”

“I know. That was a nightmare, especially with those creatures impersonating our loved ones.”

~~~

I was standing before Chrysalis herself.

“This pony says he wants us to thrall him.” One of the drones announced to its queen.

“What have you to say, pony?” Chrysalis examined me with a curious expression.

“I-I want to forget...” I mumbled. “I want to forget my wife’s death. She was the world to me, and without her, there’s only emptiness.”

“What you are saying, little pony, is that you want us to put you under our thrall?”

(Wilted Oak)

The memories faded and a changeling stood before me. I looked back to the lie that was my last 21 years with my “wife”. I felt anger at the deception, shame at my weakness, and despair at the thought of living the remainder of my life alone.

She walked towards Chrysalis with her head down and her wings limp.

“Wait.” Princess Celestia commanded. “This was a breach of our armistice following your failed invasion of Canterlot. By impersonating a pony, you have negated our cessation of hostilities.”

The changeling, Anaptus, winced then turned to face the princess and her guards and closed her eyes

I thought back to this afternoon when she took my love.

No, I gave it willingly, and she seemed so sad... Did she know this was coming?

What about yesterday morning?

How much was harvesting me?

Was it all an act? All the compassion she showed? All the comfort she gave me?

“Anaptus... do you... love me?”

All three of them turned and stared at me like I just said the sun was dark.

After a long silence, Anaptus asked “What is love? I know what it tastes like, and I know how to share it with my hive-mates, but I don’t understand how to create it.”

“What did you feel as you were caring for Oak?” Princess Celestia asked.

“It was my job to keep him happy and healthy.”

“And?” She prompted.

“And I did it to the best of my ability.” Anaptus’ chest puffed out with pride... and something else.

“And?” The princess pushed the issue again.

This time, Anaptus took a while before responding.

Finally, she looked up with a smile. “And I felt good when I was successful. It is the best feeling I have ever experienced... “ Her head drooped slightly before she added “and it was the saddest feeling I’ve felt when I failed. I was so worried recently when his memories started coming back so frequently.” She turned to Princess Celestia again, this time with resignation. “And I am glad the deception has finally ended, though I will miss him and fear for his well-being.”

I took a deep breath, unsure if I was making the right decision.

“My princess,” I stepped forward, bowing low. “I had requested this, and while I do not want to go back to ignorance, could...” My confidence briefly failed me, but after rallying myself yet again, I continued. “could Anaptus stay with me?”

“Do you feel no anger for their impersonation of your late wife?” Princess Celestia asked, staring at me intently.

What do I feel?

“I do feel anger... as well as humiliation.” I chose my words carefully and spoke slowly. “But I... but I asked for it, and deserve what I got. No, I deserve less than what I got.” I choked back a sob. “I was given happiness and was cared for more than I would expect.”

I wanted to say more, but I ran out of strength and broke down in tears over my twice lost wife.

I felt a hoof on my neck.

“No magic.” Chrysalis commanded softly

I looked up to see Anaptus comforting me like Gentle Breeze did... No, like Gentle Breeze taught her to.

Princess Celestia smiled.

“I will reserve judgement on this until I can get my niece to make sure that Oak is acting fully in his own will, but I am convinced enough to allow Anaptus to stay here for now.”

Anaptus hugged me quickly, then ran to give her thanks to Princess Celestia.

As she turned, she added to Chrysalis “Do you have any other citizens of your empire that would be skilled in treating grief?”

Author's Note

Looking back after writing this, I feel I should give actual links to the stories I realize influenced this, namely An An Affliction of the Heart and, to a lesser extent, Harmony Theory