Reignite

I couldn’t get much sleep last night; I was tossing and turning in my usual manner. I was having that nightmare again, the one where I found myself alone amongst my friends and family only they treated me as if I was like I didn’t exist at all.

I guess you could say that was my greatest fear to be abandoned and ignored like that. What did Dr Weiss call it again, Monophobia? I guess I have my old man to thank for that, just thinking about him leaves a bitter taste.

Over the course of the night I felt something warm cuddle up to me, which put me at ease as I drifted off back to sleep for the rest of the night.

Gentle beams of sunlight shone through the windows of the room, a bit too brightly for my liking as they were shining down on my face irritating me.

“...Someone...turn off the light...too bright.” I mumbled tiredly, opening my eyes, “Okay, okay I'm awake already.” Groaning as I got up, I took a quick survey of my surroundings. “Ah that's right I'm in the hospital with that...poor...injured...filly...” I was staring directly at her bed which was now currently empty. “Where is she?!” I panicked.

I stopped for a moment when I heard the sound of light snoring coming from right next to me, turning round to face the source of the sound; I was greeted by the adorable sight of the filly curled up next to me asleep under the covers.

“Oh thank god!” I sighed in relief, lying back down I faced the sleeping filly. “You gave me quite the scare there.” The filly stirred a little as she woke up, her visible bright green eye lit up as she smiled at the sight of me.

“...!” She let out a small yawn, and gave me a warm smile has she gently rubbed one of the eyes with one her fore hooves. I guess some habits don’t change despite having a different body.

“Well good morning to you to Sunshine.” She giggled silently at the name, since she couldn't speak at the moment; I decided to call her Sunshine until she could tell me her proper name. I couldn't keep referring to her as 'filly' now could I?

“...!” She hugged me as her way of saying good morning; I hugged her gently being careful not to hurt her. Did I really make that much of an impression on her?

We were interrupted by the sound of somepony knocking on the door. Sunshine quickly hid back under the covers, she trembled a bit which I put off as discomfort around ponies she didn't know. My little brother and sister did the exact same thing at that age, so I’m more or less used to it after all these years.

“Hey it'll be alright, I won't let anyone hurt you remember?” I reassured her, and she nodded her head to say 'I know'. “Come in.” I said to whoever was on the other side of the door. Matt came in through the door, limping still from his injury and he looked a little sheepish.

“I didn't come at a bad time did I?” Matt looked at me, then at Sunshine and back to me.

“No not really.” I replied, “I was just getting up now, what brings you here anyway?”

“Nothing much really I just wanted to talk.” He lied. I mentally shook my head Matt has always been a terrible liar, he only does it when he’s nervous or worried about something.

“Matt...You’re a terrible liar, what’s wrong?” I asked, concern gracing my features. He sighed in defeat.

“Look I'm just worried about what the doctor said to me when he treated my leg.” He confessed.

“What did he say?” I asked, curious to what the doctor said to get him worried

“I asked him if there was any possibility to change back to how I was before.” Matt hesitated a little, “He said there wasn't any chance what so ever, every one changed is stuck like this for the rest of their lives.”

“Matt, Dr Weiss already told me that.” I gave him a sympathetic look, “I wasn't happy about that revelation either, but we have to accept that the situation is beyond anything we can do. So we're just going to have to tough it out and make do with what we have, okay?”

“But...” He interrupted.

“No buts Matt, we'll make it through just like always.” I comforted him. Sunshine finally pooped up from underneath the blanket and gave Matt a comforting look. Matt gave a confused look. “She's telling you it'll be alright.”

“How can you tell what's she saying?” Matt asked. Now that I thought about it I didn't know how, I guess it’s just intuition.

“I don't know.” I replied, “Instinct I guess. Your guess is as good as mine at this point.”

“I think the change has affected more than your body.” Matt stated, “It's very unlike you to be so...motherly, you normally just keep to yourself.”

“I decided to stop hiding.” Was all the reply I would give him. “If that is the case, I would imagine the psychologist would say something about that, when she arrives.”

The conversation was cut short by the sound of Sunshine's tiny stomach growling for food. Matt and I looked at her; she gave an awkward smile in response.

“Come on Sunshine, let’s get some breakfast.” Sunshine nodded her head shyly, “Do you want to tag along Matt?” I asked, Matt's stomach growled in response.

“Uh...yeah sure why not?” Matt stuttered out with embarrassment.

We left with Matt showing us the way to the mess hall. I don't exactly know what to get, giving our drastic change in diet so I imagine fruit would be the best course for now. Didn't the ponies from the show eat things like baked goods, vegetables, and fruit without any ill effects, I don’t know if that applies to us though. As for drinks I guess natural fruit juices, water and milk would be okay, I did seem to recall one instance of tea being drunk.

The onsite café was busy, I noticed it was mostly ponies in the café, with the occasional human amongst the crowd which I assumed they were part of the staff if the uniform was any indication.

We sat down on the large chairs the provided to prevent us from slipping off. Matt raised a hoof to get some attention from the staff. A young woman wearing a pale blue waitress uniform came by to take our order.

“What will you all have? And we’ll bring it right over.” She asked cheerfully. I noticed Matt take a sigh of relief; I guess he’s had to deal with some of the negative attitude towards ponies, it would explain the limp.

“I'll have a vegetarian special.” Matt ordered politely, the waitress turned us.

“I'll have the same and a coffee, milk and two sugars. Sunshine here will have a glass of milk and some seedless apple slices.” The waitress took our order and left.

“How are you going to hold a cup of coffee?” Matt asked confused.

“Simple, with magic.” I replied, “Telekinesis to be exact. The way I figure it I have to visualise what I want it to move and concentrate, if I'm right the feeling will be like moving an invisible hand.”

“Are you sure that's wise?” Matt inquired looking a little worried, “From what I've seen already, it causes the brain quite a headache at first. How'd you figure that out anyway?”

“I thought about how the ability works, and broke it down.” I explained, “I'm pretty good with that sort of thing.”
“Ah...I see.” Matt gave look of surprise.

After a few minutes of waiting the waitress returned with our order, we said our thanks to her and began to eat. Sunshine quite happily drank her glass of milk by holding it between her hooves. I wait for my coffee to cool a bit. I concentrated on it, picturing the coffee cup being picked up by one of my hands. To my surprise and excitement the cup was covered in a gentle sky blue glow as it slowly floated up in the air towards me as I took a sip.

“Mark that was amazing!” Matt said impressed, “Feeling that headache yet?”

“Yeah a little, it feels like I'm using muscles I've never used before.” I stated.

“Oh I can imagine, you can be a little dozy from time to time.” Matt laughed as he joked.

“Oh ha-ha, very funny.” I laughed a bit too, we heard a little bit of commotion from some of the groups of ponies around the room. muttering of “Oh that's so sweet.” “What an adorable filly.” and “What a cute couple.” were heard, causing Matt and I to nearly choke on our food in embarrassment.

“...?” Sunshine just gave us both a confused look; we both said nothing and ate the rest of breakfast in an awkward silence. A trotting of hooves could be heard approaching us, Sunshine waved to the pony approaching us. I turned to see who it was.

“Good morning Antonia.” Matt and I greeted. Antonia gave a curt nod and looked at Sunshine.

“...?” Sunshine gave Antonia a confused look; I guess she didn’t understand the look Antonia was giving her.

“I was wondering where she scampered off to, I trust she hasn't been any trouble?” Antonia asked as she smiled warmly.

“Sunshine hasn't been any trouble at all, I take it you've came with news?” I replied, happy that Sunshine was comfortable around Antonia.

“I was just on my way to let you know that the psychologist was here to see you. She should be waiting for you in your room.” Antonia explained.

“I see, tell her I'm on my way.” I replied, Sunshine gave me sad look causing my heart to sink a little. “C-can I bring Sunshine with me, I don't want to leave her alone. No offence Matt but I don't she is completely comfortable around you yet.”

“No problem mate.” Matt replied.

“I don't see a problem with 'Sunshine' to come with you.” Antonia said warmly, “I wouldn't want to separate her from her adoptive 'mother'” She laughed a little.

“M-mother?!” I stuttered, Sunshine gave me a very happy look at Antonia's statement. “I-er...C-come on Sunshine let's go...” Matt was killing himself laughing at my embarrassment.

I didn't know what to say or think about that comment, I mean me Sunshine's mother of all things. I just wanted to cheer her up and keep her safe...So why does the thought of being her mother make me happy? Was this just part of my new gender, or was it something I genuinely desired?

My greatest wish was to be nothing like my father and to be a better person that n he ever was, I guess this was the world’s twisted way of granting that wish.

I felt really confused about this; I took a quick look at Sunshine as we walked to see to my psychologist Sunshine returned the look with a small smile. Maybe Dr Rio would have some answers...

As Antonia said Dr Rio was waiting for us in room 213, she was a slightly small petite looking woman around 5ft 3 inches in height with raven black hair and chocolate brown eyes. Her outfit suggested she was very professional and her black framed glasses gave her frosty look, but once you got to know her see was a very warm person.

She sat in the chair by the desk, with a very patient expression which turned into a look of mild curiosity when she noticed Sunshine.

“I see you have made a new friend, Mr Geary.” Dr Rio said warmly, I sighed slightly and shook my head.

“I told you already I'd rather be addressed by my first name Samantha; I've been seeing you for what just over a year now.” I stated, “I'd thought we'd be on a first name basis by now.” Dr Rio, or rather Samantha just laughed a little.

“Very well Mark. Now why don't you make yourself comfortable and we'll start.” Samantha asked, as I did Sunshine climbed on the chair beside the bed, then on to the bed and curled up beside me quickly falling asleep. “Now how are you taking the change Mark?” She asked.

“To be honest Samantha, I'm...worried how this will affect my personal life. I'm sure you've seen the news, all the abuse and torture...It's frightening not even a child like Sunshine was spared from it. For the first time in my life I'm completely and genuinely scared” I explained, without realising it my tail wrapped around Sunshine protectively. Samantha took a few notes on her clipboard, noting down my worries.

“I understand you've changed gender as well, how are you taking it?” She asked.

“I-I...don't know...really how to take it.” I confessed, “On one hoof I'll never be a man again or ever experience things only a man can enjoy...but on the other...” I hesitated.

“But what?” Samantha encouraged.

“I-it's like...a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.” I closed my eyes and tried to word how I felt, “It's like I'm free now, just free to be myself, free from my parent’s expectations just because I was their son...and I'm actually happy now that I'm a woman or more accurately a mare now.”

“I see.” Samantha said as she took more notes.

“My mother and stepfather as much as I love them are convinced that I'm a regular normal guy, but I realise that's far from the truth now isn't it. I'm not normal, but I'm not weird either I'm just...me.” I confessed further, my expression gave away my inner turmoil easily to Samantha.

“Is that what you really want Mark, just to be yourself?” Samantha inquired. “Or is there something else bothering you? I'll have you know that Antonia showed me her husband's notes.”

“I gathered you've seen them, and I know that this new form is based upon my personality and the like.” I confirmed, “I know fine well that I can't change back, even if I could I don't think I would want to.” Samantha took down more notes before placing her clipboard down on the desk.

“Mark...” She hesitated, “Just how long have you felt like this? I know you shown signs of G.I.D, but has it really gone that far, why didn't say anything until now?” I was at a loss for words by Samantha's concern.

“I guess I just began to believe the lies I was telling myself and my parents. I must have been like this since I was what 13-14 years old?” I was silent for a brief moment as I looked upon Sunshine's tiny sleeping form. “I'm 25 now, and here I am a unicorn mare with thoughts and feelings I don't understand or know how to handle.”

“What kind of feelings?” Samantha asked trying her best to understand.

“When I first met Sunshine here and found out what those inhuman monsters did to her, I wanted to do anything to make her happy and keep her safe.” I smiled at Sunshine, “To show her she was loved, she can't be older than 7 for god's sake.”

“I see, but there's more to it than that.” Samantha stated, I nodded to confirm her suspicion.

“Yes, before I came to see you some other ponies confused me for her mother. Even Matt, one of my closest friends made that comment.” I explained.

“And?” Samantha urged me to continue.

“And it just makes me ask myself, why does that thought make me happy?” I asked Samantha silently hoping she would have any sort of insight.

“I-I really don't know what to make of that Mark, this the first time I've been asked that.” Samantha admitted. I sighed at her answer; I guess this was something I'd have to figure out along the way then.

A quick knock on the door was heard disrupting the silence between us.

“Enter.” Samantha answered simply going back into her professional manner, the door open with Antonia and my mother entering the room. Mom took one look at Samantha and with a raised brow asked.

“Who are you?” Mom didn't mean to sound rude, but the surprise of seeing Samantha there made mom suspicious.

“I'm Dr Samantha Rio; I'm your daughter's psychologist.” Samantha introduced herself, I briefly got that unsettling feeling that some shouting would happen soon.

“YOUR MY SON'S WHAT?!” Mom shouted in disbelief. I frowned at my mother's volume as it was causing Sunshine some discomfort, and given my habit of speaking without thinking I dropped myself in it.

“Look mom, I don't appreciate the shouting.” I scolded, “If you don't mind my little Sunshine here is trying to sleep!” Mom, Antonia and Samantha just stared at me in shock; it took a moment to click what I just admitted to.

“I-I...but...what?!” Mom stammered out trying to make sense of what she just heard.

“I don't know how to explain it Mom but she is.” I said. Mom tried to make sense of it but was failing, the confusion was as clear as day on her face.

“And Dr Rio here is your psychologist.” Mom asked in disbelief, “How long?”

“I've been seeing Samantha for just over a year now.” I explained, trying to think carefully how to word this to Mom. “Mom...I've been trying to cope with...a lot of pressure and issues over the past few years.”

Mom took a moment, but before she would answer me Samantha interrupted mom's train of thought.

“Mark has been seeing me to cope with the pressure of being the person you and everyone else bar a few people wanted her to be, as well as dealing with issues regarding her new gender.” Samantha explained, “And from what I understand she's happier for the change in gender.” Mom was trying her best to understand my situation, as Samantha was trying to put it as gently as she could.

“But...my son...” Mom choked out, trying her best not to cry, “Why...did it have to be my son?”

“Mom...” I tried to speak without crying myself, “I tried so hard to be the man you wanted me to be, but I'm sorry, I can't...I-I just can't take the pressure anymore it's braking me down little by little.” Mom just broke down, crying over the fact she didn't realise how much pressure I was under. After a few moments had passed Mom began to calm down.

“I'm so sorry honey, I-I didn't know we were putting you under so much pressure I swear we just wanted what was best for you.” Mom said in between the occasional sob.

“Mom...its okay I know.” I reassured her, “It's not your fault, and you know how Dad is. It couldn't be helped you always did pushed me to do my best.” I hesitated for a moment, “But I'm sorry I can't be the kind of person you thought I was anymore.” Mom nodded her head trying to understand.

“Please be honest with me Mark, how bad was it really?” Mom asked.

“I was having emotional breakdowns mom, I tried to keep myself together I really did. For 13 years I wore a mask of a self-confident and reserved young man.” I confessed, “As I grew up I quickly learned that others looked up to the illusion of a man who would not give up no matter how many times he was beaten down.”

“...?” Sunshine gave a curious look and was listening in pretending to still be asleep.

“How many times did you tell me never to give in to people like that Mom?” I asked, leaving Mom speechless. “I often came home with cuts, bruises and on one occasion a couple of broken ribs and do you know what the kicker was?”

“W-what?” Mom looked horrified.

“It was so nice to know I had such wonderful friends at the time.” I spat out sarcastically, “Each time I was made fun of and beaten I would ask myself why they did this. To this day I still don't know why they still do it even after all these years.”

“...” Sunshine gave me reassuring look, and I smiled back at her.

“When I started college I found out first hand who my real friends were, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't keep up with them even though they helped me as much as they could. Despite that I was happy I had such wonderful friends.” I explained, “But you remember what happened when I ended up in hospital for protecting Matt from those bastards who bullied me.”

“I remember, you weren't even 17 when that happened.” Mom replied solemnly, “I got told what had happened by Shane, from what he said you could barely stand and muttering something to yourself as if it was a mantra.”

I remained silent at that particular memory.

“I won't fall, I won't give in, I won't give up, I have to be strong so I won't be rejected again.” Mom quoted that very mantra causing me to wince, Sunshine cuddled up to me in an effort to comfort me.

Samantha noted that mantra down with a now knowing look. Mom sighed at the revelation, knowing that this was going to hell to explain to my stepfather.

“I think it would be best if I took Mark home.” Mom stated. Sunshine looked distraught at the thought of me leaving.

“...!” She shook her head, trying not to cry.

“I'm sorry dear, but I have to take him home.” Mom apologised.

“...!!” Again Sunshine shook her head.

“Mom I'm sorry but I'm staying. The people here can help me much more than you can at the moment.” I looked at Sunshine who was pleading for me not to go, “Matt's here to, and I won't abandon my little Sunshine or Matt for that matter.”

“But you could always visit...” Mom pleaded with me. I gave her a stern look.

“Do you remember the last thing he taught me before he left?” I reminded her, Mom realised who I meant and nodded her head in defeat.

“I'm sorry Mom I really am, but you know better than anyone that I won't abandon the people I care about.” I explained.

“It's...okay honey I understand, even if I don't like it I understand.” Mom looked up at me with a sad smile, “It doesn't matter what species or gender you are just know I'm proud of you.”

“...” Sunshine smiled at Mom.

“She's saying she'll keep an eye on me for you.” I laughed a little, as she gave a mock salute.