Crazy Steve in Equestriaby Miss Dark AngelPre-read by Chessboard_Jack and Seven81493
Crazy Steve never went to work in the Premiere one day. Many people, from his boss, Helen, to his family that were scared to contact him until now, wondered where he was, or what happened to him. Multiple rumors swarmed, but none worked or lasted long enough. It finally seemed that he just disappeared out of thin air. After a while, most people were glad the psychopath was gone and let it go. Helen quickly got a calm replacement; sure, she talked to themselves, but she didn't scare customers too much and she kept to herself, never getting any angry about compliant about tilted seat cup holders. It was better than a screaming Crazy Steve.
But the question remained, albeit forgotten: where did he go? And how did he appear in such a place?
What story would this be if he didn't go into Equestria? But this time, there is no explanation. He is Crazy Steve. While he's no Pinkie Pie, logic and sense is kicked out the door and buried on the spot when he comes around. So when he suddenly popped into the center of Ponyville, he didn't think much of it. Instead, he got up and observed the town. Ponies as brilliantly colorful as pretty animation walked about, with eyes almost as big as their heads, and it looked like they lived in the houses and had jobs. Despite all of these interesting things to consider, one thing was on Crazy Steve's mind:
“IT'S SO COLORFUL!” he announced in an inappropriately loud voice; his custom voice that many back home were accustomed to. “IT'S SO PRETTY-FUL!”
The ponies here, however, were not the same in that aspect. His shouting caused most ponies to jump with their ears covered and stare at the source of the loud noise. The human was on everypony's gaze. Lyra wasn't there at the moment, but there was no doubt she'd have a fangasm at the sight of it. Because, you know, humans.
Many ponies had never witnessed the sight of a human, nor do many know what they are exactly. So most ponies do what they do best when experiencing something new and unknown; they panic and run in fear. While some ponies just walked away from the scene in fright, lots of ponies ran into one another and hid behind carts and trees. One pony hid in a garbage can, only to be taken away by garbageman without being aware that it was Wednesday. Oh, well.
Crazy Steve watched these rainbow colored equines gallop around, horror etched on their faces. He did not realize it was because of him that this chaos began. “WHAT ARE WE RUNNING FOR?” he asked, his voice remaining deafening as he walked around the town, moving around the running ponies. He had no idea where he was, so he might as well go around the town and see what there is. There better be a place to buy chili, because he was hungry.
The longer he walked around town, staring oddly at every little sight, from the chirping birds to the chatting ponies. Chatting, as in talking. It was amazing. It was like he was in an actual cartoon.
He'd rather be in Dora the Explorer, though. He could have finally told her where the banana tree was. She really wasn't that great of an explorer, but he'd help in any way he could.
He stopped his train of thought when a tiny creature of purple and green bumped into him. The lizard thing jumped up and asked, “Oh, hey, sorry—woah, I've never seen something like you before. Umm, what are are you, exactly?”
Granny Smith was walking past them, with her cane to make sure she didn't fall. This didn't help as Crazy Steve approached her, took her cane, and walked away. Granny Smith, without her cane, fell onto the ground face first. Once again, she could not get up.
“A... a little help, please?” she asked in a hoarse voice.
Crazy Steve made no acknowledgment of her and turned back to Spike, who felt a rush of fear at the sight of the tall something with a stick. He took a step back, which followed with Crazy Steve coming closer. Before Spike knew it, Crazy Steve rose the cane up in his grasp and shouted, “Do not ask personal questions, lizard thing!”
“Oh, c'mon, I'm not a lizard. I'm a dragon!” Spike corrected. Then he realized what was going on, and stopped. “What, are you insane? HELP!” Before he knew it, he was backed up against the wall. His big, green eyes were wide, as he realized he had nowhere to go. He shut his eyes so he wouldn't witness what happened to him.
“Hey! What are you doing?”
Spike's eyes opened. He saw a brush of purple magic atop of the cane the creature was holding. Meanwhile, Crazy Steve stopped and looked around, wondering what was stopping him from hitting the little lizard.
Three ponies trotted up to him; one was purple, another was yellow, and the one at the right was orange with a hat. The one purple pony with a horn on her head had a purple aura around it, the same color as the one on the cane. It fell from Crazy Steve's grasp.
“Leave Spike alone!” the purple unicorn commanded.
“What in the name of Celestia is this thing, and why does he have Granny Smith's cane—GRANNY SMITH!” Applejack shouted and moved her attention to her grandmother, who was still on the ground, struggling to find something to keep her balanced. She walked over to her.
“The lizard invaded my personal bubble!” Crazy Steve pointed an accusing finger
“Wh—dragon. Dra... gon! How hard is that to explain?” Spike complained, now at Twilight's side, his arms crossed and with a pout.
“I'm sure he didn't mean to, and... you don't need to be so loud, mister,” Fluttershy piped up. She flew closer to him, much to her friend's horror, and approached him. His eyes grew at her, but he did nothing. “Now, why don't we just calm down and... and not hurt dragons and ponies?”
“But...”
Fluttershy shushed him and started patting him on the back. She then fully embraced him once she heard Crazy Steve sigh in relaxation. His muscles fell back, and she could feel his mood softening. She patted him twice again with a smile. Twilight and Applejack stared in amazement.
“There, there. You're just cranky, aren't you? Aren't you? There's no need to hurt anybody,” Fluttershy murmured in a gentle, calming voice as she lightened the embrace .
“Thank you so much!” he yelled, but it wasn't as loud as before, hugging her tighter. She squealed, but he didn't hear her well enough. “You're a good person!”
Fluttershy let him go, smiling. “That's good. Now, are you better now? Do you need anything?”
“Can I have a juice box?”
“Of course!”
“Yay!” He clapped.
“I'll be right back.” Fluttershy walked away from him and glanced at her friends. “See? I'm sure things'll be fine,” she assured her friends as she glided past them. She flew away to get a juice box somewhere for the juice depraved creature.
Twilight studied Crazy Steve, who had a strange expression as he looked around again. For her, it didn't matter. He seemed calmer now that Fluttershy helped. Maybe she could figure out what he was, and how he got here. She had never seen such creatures like him! Her enthusiasm to figure all these questions out was hard to miss in her voice as she asked, “Umm, excuse me, but—”
“Wow, you're a strange lookin' thing! What's your name?” a young voice with a southern drawl questioned somewhere.
Twilight gaped and turned. The Cutie Mark Crusaders were galloping over with excitement towards Crazy Steve, Twilight and Applejack, who had gotten an extra cane for Granny Smith. The light yellow pony looked up at the creature, a light in her eyes. Twilight, meanwhile, bit her lip and feared many things, from him yelling and scaring them, to them bothering the poor thing.
Crazy Steve bowed down to their eye level and said in a sweeter, much lighter tone, “Well, little ones, my name is Steve, and I happen to be a human. Do you know if there are any humans like me around here?”
“A human, huh?” the white one asked with a squeak at the end. “Umm, I don't think there are any humans here. Maybe Princess Celestia might know that! She is the princess after all, so she much know everything.”
“Thank you,” answered Crazy Steve. “Now, if you need me, I must—”
“Hey, you leave these yougin' alone!” called out an old voice from behind in an angry tone. Granny Smith worried for these girls' safety, being around this crazy human. Applejack's gaze shifted between her granny and the crazy human.
“DON'T INTERUPPT ME WHILE I'M TALKING TO THESE CHILDREN!” Crazy Steve turned around and bellowed in Granny Smith's face, enough to send the frail old pony a few feet away. Her second cane she used for cane emergencies flew at a far away distance, someplace she could never bother to get it from. Once again, she found herself without anything to balance her. The Cutie Mark Crusaders gaped and took a few steps back, followed by running away screaming.
“Aww, Granny!” Applejack groaned, walking over to her again.
“What's your problem, dude? Yelling at old ladies? Who do you think you are?” Spike demanded, tossing all restraint and caution into the wind.
“You're a mean lizard dragon thing,” Crazy Steve whined. He walked away with his arms flailing around. No one bothered to chase him and bring him back.
Fluttershy appeared, a box of apple juice in her grasp. She stopped at the scene, with the human gone and every single pony exasperated by what has happened, and her jaw fell slack. “Oh... my... should I have brought grape juice?”
“I thought you'd figure out that yelling wouldn't help this guy see the voice of reason,” Twilight said flatly towards her assistant.
Spike chuckled with an embarrassed smile.
Twilight growled. “I need to report this to Celestia. Maybe she can figure out what to do with him?”
“Are you sure we can't handle 'im ourselves?” Applejack asked, her hooves pumped out, her body in a fighting stance in the air. “We got this; he nearly broke my Granny's back, and I won't take that sittin' down.”
“We don't need to resort to violence unless absolutely necessary... or if I say so, and I say no,” Twilight argued.
“I can't try to calm him down all the time. He's more of a problem than I realized,” murmured Fluttershy, her eyes wide. “I mean, sure, ponies can get upset sometimes, but why bother elder ponies like Granny Smith and innocent dragons? Maybe something's wrong with him?”
“Nopony can tell, especially because we don't know what he is. C'mon, Spike, I need to write a letter down—”
“Got it.” Spike held out a quill and parchment.
“Do you always carry that stuff around with you?” Rainbow asked.
“What's wrong with being prepared?”
***
They found Crazy Steve inspecting some of Roseluck's flowers, which had far from confused the earth pony. And almost immediately, he was taken to Canterlot, no questions asked and no demands made. The guards escorted him only when they promised him chilli afterward. He nearly skipped on the way into the castle upon landing. The ponies in Ponyville celebrated his departure with a party, only Pinkie Pie wasn't around to help with it. They just guessed she was working at Sugarcube Corner.
At the sight of the magnificent ponies, he smiled. They looked big and cool, with magical hair. They
had both wings and horns.
“HELLO, PRETTY HORSES!”
“Lower your tone in the throne room, if you will,” Celestia requested in a soft voice. She shut her eyes and levitated a note scrolled up. “We received the message from my student, Twilight Sparkle, explaining the situation down in Ponyville. I am not pleased to hear about your instant arrival here; not that I am not welcome to new creatures, but it's never a good sign for me to see messages talking about rude and unacceptable things you have done. However, if you can explain their predicament, I am more than willing to adapt. So what do you have to say for yourself?”
“... Why is your hair moving like that?!” he asked. "What kind of hair products do you use? Is it L'Oreal?"
“Answer the princess!” the guard to his left demanded.
“WE ARE TALKING ABOUT HAIR!” Crazy Steve shouted back.
“Enough!”
Celestia stamped a hoof on the ground, an vibration in the ground silencing him immediately. He could tell he upset someone high in position, which wasn't a good thing.
“Since you are clearly not of this world, and you have disrupted the harmony of Ponyville almost instantly upon your arrival, I'll ask you to either stop acting so foolishly and immaturely, or I'll find a way to send you back from where you came from,” was Princess Celestia's demand, her voice stone hard and somber, proving her patience was beginning to snap in seconds.
“Dear sister, we do not even know where he came from, so how can we even send him back to such a world.”
“I shall find a way. Normally, I welcome new creatures of all kinds to our kingdom, but when he disrupts the peace, I find a way to make sure there is no threat whatsoever,” Celestia argued with her sister, her body angled towards Luna with her eyebrows narrowed.
Luna nodded. “Very well You, good sir... what is your name?” She pointed at Crazy Steve, who had a blank face as the sisters discussed him.
“Steve.” It was a curt reply, quick and simple. This brought a smile to the royal sisters' faces, for they hoped maybe he was already progressing in becoming more civilized.
“Very well, then, Steve! We ask of you to no longer bother the citizens of Ponyville nor any other city in Equestria, and until we figure out how you got here, to remain in Ponyville to become accustomed to our society.”
“You like yelling, too?!” Crazy Steve responded, his voice rising again, the point of her question tossed into the wind, never to be found. His voice resonated loud enough to rival the Royal Canterlot Voice. “IT'S FUN, ISN'T IT?!”
Celestia sighed, while Luna just looked at him, bemused. “I simply don't think he's listening at all, nor does he care. What if he continues to act like this? What can we do? I don't want to take any risks, but to just send him away might be a bad message to my little ponies that strange creatures should be taken away if they aren't like us.”
“There's a difference between being unlike us, and acting too unstable for our rule. How can we maintain control when we can't even keep order on this creature?” Luna countered with a wide gesture to Crazy Steve, who waved much too happily. They did not wave back, which he frowned at.
Celestia sighed. “Alright, but I don't like this.”
“Neither do I, but I don't see any other choice, other than to accept his arrival here and help him go through trials here. But honestly, why bother?” Luna asked, shrugging.
Celestia rubbed her forehead and said, “Luna and I will use a teleportation spell on you. While we don't know where you are from, we can try to send you back by using the spell to send you to the very last place you were, which is no doubt where you live. Sir Steve, can you tell us where you live?”
“Sir? THAT'S NICE!” he commented. “I don't usually get called that in San Diego.”
“San Diego? Is that a new town that occupies Equestria that was created while I was gone?” Luna asked curiously, already flaring her horn. Brilliant mists of blue encased her horn, some bits snaking towards the center between her and her sister.
“No, it is not a familiar name to me. Clearly, he is far from home. I doubt he'll return here once he arrives there.” Celestia shut her eyes, concentrating on the spell, Luna doing the same. Soon, the blue and yellow auras twirled and blended with one another in a swirl of magical beauty. Without any warning, a second later, a sphere appeared, made of both lights, and shot at Crazy Steve, who had no time to react.
A large cacophony bounced through their ears, as a pure white light shrouded around the crazy human. The light shaped into his body, appearing like a silhouette until it was too hard to look without being blinded. Both sisters looked away from the blaring whiteness.
It only lasted a second before they had the ability to turn back. In place of Crazy Steve was nothing but air, his presence amiss. It was like he was never there. Silence reigned for several minutes, as they felt relief that this mess was gone before anything severe started.
“Well, no doubt he has family and friends there who will be relieved that he has returned home, while we are all happy to return to the harmony that resides with my little ponies,” Celestia told Luna with a look to the outside that revealed the happy and lovely country she ruled, which was safe from the dissidence that arrived just as that man did.
***
He appeared as he did in Ponyville; out of nowhere, with no sort of warning or awareness. And like before, he didn't take long to even consider what had happened nor wonder how. It was not how he thought.
Crazy Steve knew he was in the Premiere, in the cornet behind the counter laying down, the exact same place and position he was before he disappeared and reappeared in that vibrant city. Would he ever go there again? He'd like that. They seemed nice... except for that stupid lizard and old lady.
“Oh, Crazy Steve.” Crazy Steve bounced back up and saw over the counter to see his boss, Helen, looking down at him. She took a step back, her face not even trying to feign how startled she was to see him, just when she was sure he had gone missing entirely. “I-I didn't know you were back,” Helen responded with the tiniest of stutters to show her shock. She didn't know what to think of him being back. Mariana was doing fine as his replacement.
“Well, I just took a vacation to a lovely, colorful place,” he answered with a smile that was peaceful to him, while beyond creepy to Helen, who stared at him with her eyebrows raised.
“That's... that's very nice to hear. Well, if you must know, I am actually going to leave my position to a senior member here at the Premiere. I've gotten a job at a school in L.A. for talented students,” she informed him, though she wondered why she bothered, because he was looking around, his attention no where near her.
“WHO TOOK MY OINTMENT?!” Crazy Steve demanded out of nowhere, making Helen blink twice in response, though she should have been used to it these days, even though he was gone for well over a week.
Helen turned around and saw a man with some papers, which he handed to her. She observed them and gave him a worried stare. “You're my replacement?” When the man, with an appearance barely passing thirty, nodded, she added, “Honey, you'll need more than luck. I'll be praying for you. Buh-bye.”
“I WANNA GO BACK TO THE WORLD WITH PONIES!” No one understood what that meant, nor did they think much of it, but little did they know, there was much more meaning to that. Not that the Princesses would ever let him back in.
“Me, too!”
Crazy Steve's head turned to the source of the sound, and he shouted, “OOOH MY GOD!”
Pinkie Pie giggled and grinned ear-to-ear at him. She jumped up and down. “Hello, funny face! Hey, how did I get here? Silly walls; they always have a trick up their sleeves. So, what movies are out this weekend?”
